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'yes')

shining a light on the demon

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← poem: the gutter queen we rise to meet in the air →

shining a light on the demon

July 9th, 2007 · 6 Comments

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i still believe i am the gutter queen,
green slime all over me,
long, torn red ribbons in my filthy hair.
i’m bobbing up and down in rain-drenched clothes
in my black ship up on a raging river in the sewer.
i’m comfortable thinking that i’ll never be up there,
competing with the humans for a nice, clean table,
i’m comfortable thinking that i’m different than they.

i’m comfortable on my black ship, i,
the gutter queen.

and i don’t want to think, “what if” …

that is the beginning of the poem i showed you yesterday.

i want to tell you a little bit about how it came about and what writing it did for me.

a few days before i had had a phone conversation where i felt accused of being unfair and arrogant. it was clear to me that any further conversation with that person would just make things worse for both him and myself, so i had not choice but to deal with it on my end.

i felt agitated and, well, simply bad. the old “me” would have had different versions of long conversations with that person – all in my head, of course. the new “me”, however, knew that the only person i could have these mental conversations with was myself.

so i started asking myself questions like

“what is it that makes me feel so agitated?”
“where do i feel that feeling in my body?”
“what memories come up as i experience these feelings?”
“what mental images go with all of this?”

the mental image that kept coming up was of being in the gutter. like so many other women – old or young, successful or not – i had this deep-seated fear of insecurity, thinking that any moment now i might end up a bag lady – in the gutter.

rather than chasing this image away, i painted it. and since i paint with words, i turned it into a poem. i was given the grace to look the demon right in the eye, rather than running away from it.

a few days later i wrote another poem. it was much lighter, much more hopeful.

and a few weeks later i noticed that that nagging little fear of becoming a bag lady that had always been with me had diminished to almost nothing. shining a light on it had faded it away.

isabella mori
moritherapy
counselling in vancouver

(this post has been included in the carnival for creative growth #11) 

Tags: creativity: poetry, art, etc. · emotional health

6 responses so far ↓

  • 1 MJ Ankenman // Jul 9, 2007 at 3:08 pm

    What a wonderful example of working through an issue with creativity and healing from it. Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing

  • 2 The Digerati Life // Jul 9, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    Your post is beautiful. Even if you were expressing difficult emotions, I found this piece beautiful. Thanks.

  • 3 poem: the gutter queen » change therapy - isabella mori // Jul 9, 2007 at 8:16 pm

    […] more about all of this tomorrow … […]

  • 4 Carnival of Creative Growth #11 | Energies of Creation // Aug 5, 2007 at 10:29 am

    […] isabella mori presents shining a light on the demon posted at change therapy, saying, “Using poetry to grow …” […]

  • 5 Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker // Aug 5, 2007 at 2:37 pm

    Isabella, what a beautiful name. Your poem and story of healing are beautiful too. I think you have addressed a deep-seated fear for a lot of us. Thanks for sharing the way that you also healed that issue for yourself. I am facing some of my own issues right now on my blog. Thanks for being the light at the end of the tunnel.

  • 6 isabella mori // Aug 5, 2007 at 4:26 pm

    thanks for all the lovely comments, everyone. it shows that when i speak from my heart, other hearts hear me …

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