julian and both parents are happy and healthy.

the support and love from everyone was – oh, i don’t even have any words for it. one of my closest friends, who has spent the last few years in a very hard battle with cancer, was there through pretty much all of it. no matter that she can’t walk more than four blocks, but staying up for 30, 40 hours to be there for the birth – no problem. then there was my mother, who came all the way from germany, to hold the little great-grandson but once before she had to fly back home – but it was worth it, she says! i’m also so greatful to a whole bunch of blogging and twittering friends, who kept sending messages of friendship, cheer and support.

and here he is. little julian. life will never be the same again. and that’s good.

whatever it is, it’s a darn good name. and the name of the baby-to-come! yes, we know the gender now! yesterday, i accompanied mindemoya on an ultrasound, and they showed us very clear evidence that the child is male.

today, when my mother and i were talking about the baby, i had my first experience of calling the baby “him”. it’s not “the baby” anymore, it’s a he! what a difference that makes. the “he” resonates so much more clearly and importantly than the “it.” the little person is starting to round out.

and talking about “out”: mindemoya is going to be induced on friday. first we thought it was going to be tomorrow but then it turned out that they had made a mistake regarding the date. yet another blip on the rollercoaster.

what an emotional four weeks it has been! yes, it’s been four weeks yesterday that her contractions first started. maybe the most nerve-wracking four weeks of my life. and that’s just me – imagine how taxing it is on mindemoya and ray. who, by the way, is keeping track of all of this on his blog (and who is waiting on tenterhooks right now to hear whether he got the position he’s been hankering for for years; poor, errr, bastard – an exciting job opportunity and a baby! wish him luck …)

the next granny post is going to be a birth announcement!!!

baby, come out! we all want to meet you!

in the meantime, mindemoya’s getting bigger and bigger. how is this possible?!? she’s attached to this massive belly and all she can do is waddle. she moves from chair to chair – every single one is uncomfortable, and the sofa is so deep, she needs someone to help her out of it. one minute she wants nothing but ice water, next minute she craves a tuna melt subway so bad, you can almost see a cartoon cloud of it hanging over her head.

“that’s one of the things that make a mother,” muses the great-grandmother-to-be, as the three of us go for a slow walk around memorial park, “this in-the-bones ability to wait things out, not because we particularly want to but because we know that we simply have no other choice.”

four generations of us, waiting – one moment patiently, one moment impatiently – to transform: from fetus to newborn, from daughter to mother, from mother to grandmother, from grandmother to great-grandmother.

well, what i can do, too, is enjoy the anticipation, and dream. i don’t know how many times during the day i imagine holding the little one in my arms for the first time, feeling its unspeakably soft skin, marvelling at the fragile weight of this new human being. every squeak, coo and grunt will seem like a revelation.

every time this tiny haley (if it’s a girl) or julian (if it’s a boy) opens their eyes will be a chance to look deeply into the waters of a soul that is clean of resentments, ugly memories, nagging doubts.

my, this sounds corny. but it’s true.

so i figured i’ll post some random stories/observations:

… really being aware of what community means. my friends from the vancouver bloggers meetup have sent all kinds of well-wishes. my daughter is surrounded by support people, including flora, a lovely student from the doula school at the university of british columbia. it takes a village to birth a child.

… the desire of all of us to contribute to my daughter’s, her partner’s and the baby’s well-being. heart-warming.

… at one point between contractions, my daughter said that while in the contractions, she felt connected to all the other women “over millions of years – or thousands, depending on your philosophy” who were giving birth. “and animals, too,” i said. so we talked about elephant midwives. (“depending on your philosophy” – she likes giving little nods to creationists).

… making my daughter comfortable made me think of an earlier about choice and zen. such a relief brought on by small comfort measures like the right amount of ice in the water, or taking her socks off when her feet got too hot. when we chase after small pleasures during “normal” times, is there some part of our brain that remembers how big of a difference these small pleasures can bring during times of stress, and we’re hoping for the same sort of relief? material for another post.

… yeah, so – no labour right now. what’s that all about? it’s all about the baby taking its own time. we don’t have control over it. “nature takes its course” – a cliche, and so true!

my daughter’s baby shower. big belly. lotza family. food everywhere!!!! and homemade wine. afterwards: canasta, hysterical laughter.

but maybe i’ll expand on that a bit here?

so this is granny post #2 (granny post #1 is here). am i used to this granny role yet? i’m not sure. one of the changes i’ve noticed, though, is that as soon as my daughter moved out to live with her boyfriend, my attitude towards her changed. i’ve turned from loving-but-no-nonsense to loving-and-solicitous, from, “hey! pick up your socks!” to, “are you comfortable? can i get you some more tea?”

it was great to see her there among all these people, a fertility queen presiding on her mother-to-be throne, graciously receiving gift after gift i was proud to be the queen mother.

and it was heart-warming and exciting to connect with a whole bunch of people who i had never met before. the boyfriend’s mother, equally delighted at the prospect of finally becoming a grandmother, had invited some of co-workers and family members, people who we otherwise probably would have never met (well, except for one the boyfriend’s relatives – sorry, couldn’t keep track who was an aunt, who was a great aunt and who was a cousin – who my husband thinks he’s met while volunteering at the jazz festival).

it feels like this child that is not even born yet is already reaching out, making new connections all of her/his own, already a little individual in her/his own right. is this like the original process of coming-to-be? an egg and a sperm meet, form one cell – but immediately the cell separates into two and starts building its own world.

maybe, too, i’m in the process of birthing into grandmotherhood? today it felt like i took a step out of being just my daughter’s mother towards truly becoming a mother-and-grandmother. took the step out of an old role and now i’m somewhere in mid-role, or in-between-role. an exhilarating, magical place to be.

well, the wait’s almost over. six weeks from today is the expected date of birth of my first grandchild!

many feelings, thoughts, ideas, hopes, fears come up as i contemplate this event – perhaps the most momentous event in my life right after the birth of my own three children.

“three children? but i’ve barely outgrown my teenage pimples!” – sometimes that thought crosses my mind; it probably comes from the same source that is surprised when she sees wrinkles and flabby skin in the mirror. apparently that part of me has missed out on catching up on a few decades. the thought of grandchildren just puts a completely bewildered look on her face.

then there is the part of me that fervently hopes that she will be a good grandmother, that all these years of pent-up hopes and dreams will not just go poof, and some evil magic wand will make me disinterested in my grandchild.

and the memories. the memories of spending time with my own grandparents – something that has shaped me tremendously. my grandfather teaching me to play the violin, taking us on long hikes, and making sure that we carry every last bit of eggshell to the compost heap. my grandmother playing schubert lieder with us and making endless jars of rosehip jam from the fruit that my grandfather would cart in with his trusted old bicycle. sitting on my opa’s lap, a man with beautiful white hair; a faint and magical memory. my oma stirring my voracious love of reading by indiscriminately heaping comic books, poetry and strange religious books on me; and showering her fierce maternal love on my firstborn even though he was, errr, born out of wedlock (an occasion of great sighing for her).

will i be able to bestow similar memories on my grandchild?

but most of all, i’m simply excited! my daughter’s belly is getting bigger and bigger (my god, how big WILL it get??), she and her partner are building a loving nest for this amazing new human being, the baby shower is next week, i’m going to be there when she gives birth – sometimes i feel like a hysterical housewife in one of those home makeover shows, i just want to cover my mouth and scream, “ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!”

after 27 years, a dream is finally coming true. maybe not such a bad occasion to go a bit overboard …

isabella mori
moritherapy
counselling in vancouver