as you can see from one of the previous posts, we had to cancel mental health camp. both raul and i were just too deeply involved with our family lives. unfortunately, we both had some deaths. the support from people around this was, as usual, amazing! between raul and myself, we received over 70 comments on our facebook pages when we announced our decision. every single one of them was supportive.  just some examples:

kudos for you not to extend yourself so much.

unfortunate news, but the announcement embodies what the event is about (including finding out via facebook! ). my best to you both.

good for you that you are putting your own mental health first. It’s a great example for others to follow. wishing you healing and support.

i’m glad to hear you’re taking active steps in protecting and caring for your own mental health

take care of yourself, and yes, congratulations on knowing when to say No to responsibilities you put on yourself. the community AND you will be better served by you both coming back when you are in a better place.

sounds like the right decision. way to go. an inspiration for all women ♥

here was my reply

thanks again to all of you. right now it’s a bit hard to fight the little voice inside (i call it my “german general”) that says that i’m a lazy, whining sissy – surely, if i can go on facebook, i can also organize mental health camp! hah! but i’m outing it. the german general does not like to see his words repeated unless they have gone through his press corps i guess what’s good about this is that i have always felt very strongly about being up-front about one’s mental health, and here i get an opportunity to live this value – very much because of you and your support!

later …

but of course we’re not turning away from mental health camp, and definitely not from the idea behind it. the idea happens every day.

and later still:

this whole way in which i/we feel supported is starting to feel like an impromptu mental health camp in itself. maybe THIS is what was meant to happen. what can we learn from this? how can we take this further … ?

and then raul said, in his infinite wisdom:

isabella – don’t try to “take this further, or try to learn from this”. just enjoy the support, period. don’t make it more work for yourself! I’m just grateful that people understand that we are overwhelmed and over-committed as it stands.

all of this was two months ago. it is bittersweet – but more than that, truly wonderful to relive all this fabulous support. THIS is what we can do for each other! isn’t that mindbogglingly marvelous?!

next time i might just tell you about the workshop on recovering beauty that i ended up doing at gallery gachet anyways …

“often when we accept something we shouldn’t, we feel resignation, rather than serenity.”

the book, as you might have guessed, takes as its root the serenity prayer

grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change
courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

the quote above goes right to that difference. how do you know when to accept something and when to change it? the answer is often quite muddled, and so we need wisdom. one of the ways the wisdom can come to us is through feeling into a possible decision. acceptance, ideally, brings with it a feeling of relaxation, of a burden lifted. and no, resignation and serenity are absolutely not the same.

a propos differences, let’s talk about how eileen flanagan’s oeuvre is different from other self help books. flanagan, among other things, is active in the quaker community, and you can see the quiet friendliness that we tend to associate with quakers all over the book. she does not wield the heavy stick that i often find in self help books; rather, she tells stories and gives gentle suggestions. each chapter of the book ends with a few queries (another quaker tradition). i liked this one:

“if you were to translate the proverb, ‘trust in god, but tie up your camels’ for your own life, what would it say?”

good question. i like the idea of translating proverbs.

the book is also well-researched. for example, she cites another of my favourites, andrew greeley (a roman catholic super priest who churns out not only one bestselling novel after the other but is also a well-respected journalist and sociologist), who “has developed a tool he calls the ‘grace scale’ that measures a respondent’s image of god … how we conceive of and describe god has profound implications for how we live.” flanagan talks about this in a chapter entitled “the courage to question”.

the serenity prayer is most often associated with 12-step programs (alcoholics anonymous, overeaters anonymous, narcotics anonymous, etc.) interestingly enough, 12-step programs encourage their members to work on their image of god, even to manufacture one according to one’s needs. however, this is by no means a 12-step book; while it occasionally mentions concepts associated with “the program” and also tells the tale of someone in AA, these instances are just one among many. this is another thing i liked about “the wisdom to know the difference” – flanagan takes great care to present a diversity of experiences. the stories that populate self-help books often have a canned feel to it. there is always the 36-year old single female executive who is disillusioned with her career, right? flanagan uses those cliché sparingly; her illustrations seem a little more alive, for example when she traces the life of a middle class african american woman who is both bewildered and inspired by the history of her ancestors. this historical and cultural context is also something that sets flanagan apart.

i noticed that most of the sections i underlined where ones where flanagan cites others. a few more examples:

“we live in a culture [that encourages] people to pursue perfection and control. the result is inevitably frustration and angst.” in quoting another book i find quite helpful, the spirituality of imperfection, flanagan points out the “anxious determination to take control, to be in charge” engrained in our culture. replace that wilfulness with willingness, is the suggestion.

quoting st. teresa of avila:

“one day of humble self knowledge is better than a thousand days of prayer.”

and a quote from thomas keating’s invitation to love:

“the regular practice of contemplative prayer initiates a healing process that might be called ‘the divine therapy’.”

in the summer my energy dropped somewhere into the basement, and when i was assaulted by a bad back for the first time in my life, i knew i had to do something. so i sat down and asked myself what impinges on my energy, and what feels important for my energy. here are the questions i came up with:

- how hopeful am i that i will get through the day?
- are there any resentments or other gremlins crowding my mind?
- what’s my physical energy like?
- what’s my emotional energy like?
- how “buzzy” do i feel? (feeling ungrounded, or “buzzy” zaps my energy)

i put the whole thing on a spreadsheet and assign a number to each question. 1 means i feel lousy, 10 means i feel great. i also make little comments that explain some of the numbers. and because i like statistics, i like to pour over the numbers the way a tea leaf reader pours over a cup of darjeeling and glean some wisdom. for example, i’ve noticed that on some questions, i fluctuate a lot and on others only a little.

here is a screenshot of a recreated spreadsheet. what do you think? would this be useful for you? what questions would make sense to you?

17. Please rate these areas of your life on a scale of 1-10. 1 would be very poor, 5 would be acceptable and 10 very good.

a. Finances ___
b. Relationships ___
c. Work ___
d. Emotions ___
e. Motivation ___
f. Spirituality ___
g. Physical Health ___
h. Mental Health
i. Recreation / Down Time / Fun ___
j. Other ___

I. Change History
What has been your own response to change in the past?

18. Changing the way I DO things – e.g. a change how I do things at work, or a change from eating lots of carbohydrates to eating more vegetables.
a) No problem
b) A few difficulties but not many
c) Not so easy
d) Almost impossible
e) No experience with this kind of change

19. Changing the way I COMMUNICATE – e.g. how I communicate with my spouse, children, coworkers, relatives, friends, etc.
a) No problem
b) A few difficulties but not many
c) Not so easy
d) Almost impossible
e) No experience with this kind of change

20. Changing the way I THINK – e.g. how I talk to myself, how I think about others, etc.
a) No problem
b) A few difficulties but not many
c) Not so easy
d) Almost impossible
e) No experience with this kind of change

21. Changing ROLES – e.g. from single to married, from parent to empty nester, or a change in your role at work?
a) No problem
b) A few difficulties but not many
c) Not so easy
d) Almost impossible
e) No experience with this kind of change

22. A CAREER/WORK change – e.g. becoming unemployed, changing careers, starting work after university
a) No problem
b) A few difficulties but not many
c) Not so easy
d) Almost impossible
e) No experience with this kind of change

23. A change in _________________________________________________ (a significant change in your life)
a) No problem
b) A few difficulties but not many
c) Not so easy
d) Almost impossible
e) No experience with this kind of change

24. Have you experienced any changes which normally would have bothered you, but which did not disturb you? Describe what the change was, and what the factors were that made it worthwhile for you to change.

___________________________________________________________________

25. Rate your general readiness to change
a) Prepared to give all the time and energy it takes to succeed.
b) Prepared to put in quite a bit of time and energy to support the change.
c) Prepared to commit a modest amount of time and energy to support the change.
d) Prepared to support the change, but don’t have time to give.
0) Not prepared to actively support the change right now

26. Rate the readiness to support the change on the part of the important people in your life
a) Prepared to give the time and energy it takes to succeed.
b) Prepared to put in quite a bit of time and energy to support the change.
c) Prepared to commit a modest amount of time and energy to support the change.
d) Prepared to support the change, but don’t have time to give.
0) Not prepared to actively support the change right now

J. Dealing with the Stress, Loss and Trauma of Change
People often go through certain stages in dealing with change, sometimes even loss and trauma. By assessing where you stand with this, we can look at how best to support the change with the least pain

Difficulty accepting: Sometimes we find it hard to acknowledge that things need to change (or are already changing). We sometimes minimize the need for change or the fact that things are already changing. Sometimes people know things are or will be changing (e.g. at work, upcoming work shortages; in personal life, deteriorating health or relationships) but look the other way.

Disagreeing with change. E.g. We don’t take steps to prepare for change; fail to look at important signs, facts or information; search for even small evidence that “everything is ok”; actively resist change that is already occurring; react negatively to people associated with the change

In the pit: We acknowledge the inevitability of change and feel hit emotionally by
it. We don’t defend against the change anymore and may experience feelings of confusion, helplessness, lack of motivation, sadness, or perhaps even depression. The emotional and physical immune system is under a lot of stress. Sometimes we become ill; people tend to get more colds in these situations, or certain pre-existing physical or mental health conditions may flare up.

Coming to terms: Accepting the change emotionally, including the losses involved. The perception of the situation, maybe even of the “big picture” changes and begins to include the circumstances/feelings/actions which have changed. We begin to make the best of the change and look for alternate ways of meeting
our needs and become involved again. We become open to rational problem solving (thinking about/accepting alternatives, looking for/accepting information, etc.).

Adapting and coping: A stage of learning, growing, and active problem-solving. We mobilize energy and commitment to deal with the change, to overcome what problems and barriers are amenable to effort, and to develop the skills, attitudes, beliefs and perceptions helpful in dealing with the change.

27. Where are you in the change sequence? We go in and out of the different stages and are often in more than one stage at once. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 10 where you are in each stage.

a. Difficulty accepting change ___
b. Disagreeing with change ___
c. The Pit. ___
d. Coming to terms with the change ___
e. Actively adapting and coping with the change. ___

K. Change History 2
Your change history gives valuable clues to how you are likely to respond during the next change. If you have frequently undergone major change, you will probably deal with change more easily than someone whose life has been stable for a long time. On the other hand, if you have experienced a number of traumatic changes in the recent past, you may feel particularly vulnerable.

28. How frequently have you undergone significant change during the past five years?
a) Change is a way of life for me
b) Several major changes.
c) One or two major changes.
d) No major changes.

29. What has been the dominant effect of these changes on you?
a) The changes have been energizing and stimulating.
b) The changes have been coped with without overt effects on the people.
c) The changes have been stressful, physically and/or emotionally, but I have
recovered.
d) I can’t take any more change!

30. What lessons can you draw from your response to past change efforts? Give
attention to such areas as
• The way the change was introduced, the kind and amount of information given about the change.
• The degree to which you were able to participate and be involved in planning and implementing the change.
• The timing and pacing of the change.
• Other people involved in the change.

L. Assessing the Level of Pain
Optimum pain for change exists when people recognize that significant aspects of the way their life are not working; they believe that if they knew a better way to operate they could adopt it successfully; and you can find the resources of time, money, support and energy to invest in making improvements while at the same time continuing to meet current demands.

The level of pain is suboptimal for change when people generally feel things are working well enough. They perceive the costs of change to outweigh the gains.

When a person is in continual crisis, and is using all their resources just to meet current demands, they are probably in too much pain to undertake substantial change. Since change requires learning, nearly every significant change results in an initial decrement in “performance” while being “on the learning curve.” In such cases, diversion of resources to manage the change process may well reduce the current performance below the level required for survival. A person can only afford to adopt “quick fix” improvements which require little basic change. It “can’t win for losing.”

31. Rate your degree of pain
a) Little or none; relatively content
b) Some: low level unease and disquiet.
c) Substantial: definite unhappiness with the way things are.
d) Overwhelming: the organization is in crisis and can barely cope.

M. Picking the Right Place to Start Change
Many changes have failed because they got bogged down in the first place they were tried. It is important to choose the part of your life where the change is initiated carefully. Here are some factors to consider in making this choice.
• It is not normally a good idea to institute change “across the board.” Not only does it create a lot of stress, but the change resources are then spread too
thin. You lose the advantage of trying a change in one area, learning from your mistakes, and revising your approach the next time.
• Look for optimum pain (see above)
• Look for where the “free energy” is. This can be found in areas of your life that are not already overwhelmed by current demands and that have the resources necessary to take on the overload required by the change.

32. Given these considerations plus any other criteria that seem valid to you, what areas in your life seem like good candidates for beginning the change? Give your criteria for choosing them.

N. Looking at the Downside of Change
Even though the change may be desirable, there are inevitable losses and possible negative consequences to any change. It is important to be aware of these, so they may be planned for.

33. What do you personally stand to lose if the change takes place as proposed?

34. How would you deal with these losses?

35. What do you stand to lose if the change does not take place?

36. How would you deal with these losses?

37. If applicable: What do others in your life (work, family, etc.) stand to lose if the change takes place as proposed?

38. What do others in your life stand to lose if the change does not take place as proposed?

Now is a good time to return to your original formulation of your plan for change, and update it in the light of your work on the organization’s readiness for change. You may also want to reexamine and possibly revise your change goals.

i would love to have your thoughts.  are these useful questions?  what do they make you think of?  how might they help YOU make changes?

ok, here starts the adaptation  (in capital letters, of all things!  jan, are you reading this?)

The questionnaire is comprehensive and is intended to provide a way for people

desiring change to scan and evaluate the many factors that may influence

change readiness. It can be used to identify the factors that will support

and facilitate a given change, as well as to flag possible pitfalls and difficulties.

Some of the questions may not apply to you: leave them blank.  Some may seem to apply, but they seem “off” in some way, not phrased just right for your situation. Please answer these questions, but make a note as to how the question should be rephrased to apply to your situation.

A. This questionnaire assumes that you either see a need for change, or that someone else has proposed a change. Whichever is the case, take a moment to define for yourself what change you have in mind as you go through this questionnaire, and describe it very briefly below.

___________________________

___________________________

1. What is your likely relationship to the change? Check as many items as apply to you.

a. I want to change.

b. I think I should change but I am not 100% enthusiastic about it.

c. I have been told it would be good to change, or that I should change.

d. I have been forced to change.

e. I think there is some change happening in the future, and I think I should/want to prepare for it.

-

2. How much information do you have about the proposed change?

a) I am fully informed.

b) I have some information.

c) I have little information.

d) I have no information.

0) No change has yet been proposed.

-

B. The need for change.

3. Is there a need for change?

a) Yes, definitely.

b) Probably; I think so.

c) I’m not sure; I don’t know.

d) No, not at this time.

-

4. What circumstances tell you that there is or might be a need to change?

________________________________

________________________________

-

5. What are your personal experiences, thoughts or feelings that tell you there is or might be a need to change?

________________________________

________________________________

-

6. In relationship to the needed or proposed changes, which statement best reflects the current situation?

a) I know exactly what to do, have a plan for doing it, and am currently

implementing the plan.

b) I know exactly what to do, have a plan for doing it and haven’t begun to

implement the plan.

c) I know exactly what to do and have no plan for doing it yet.

d) I have a general idea of what to do, have a plan for doing it, and am currently

implementing the plan.

e) I have a general idea of what to do, have a plan for doing it and haven’t begun to implement the plan.

f) I have a general idea of what to do and have no plan for doing it yet.

g) I don’t know what to do but am experimenting with some things anyway, such as ___________________

h) I don’t know what to do.

i) Even if I knew what to do, I wouldn’t know how to plan or implement it.

-

C. The Approach to Change

7. How do you think you might go about making the needed changes?

________________________________

________________________________

-

D. The Urgency of Change

8. How urgent is the need for change?

a) It is imperative that I change now.

b) I need to change soon.

c) I will need to change in the foreseeable future.

d) The need is not urgent.

-

9. How long can the change be put off before it gets intolerable for me?

a) The current situation already has seriously impacted me

b) ___ Weeks.

c)____  Months.

d) A year or more.

-

10. How long can the change be put off before it gets intolerable for my family?

a) The current situation already has seriously impacted my family

b) ___ Weeks.

c)____  Months.

d) A year or more

e) It doesn’t matter because ______________________________________

-

E. Magnitude of Change Required:

11. What is the magnitude of change needed to make a substantial improvement in the current situation? (Check as many as apply.)

a. A small/medium/large amount of change in finances, most importantly from __________ to ____________

b. A small/medium/large amount of change in some/many/all of my relationships, most importantly from _________________ to ______________________

c. A small/medium/large amount of change at work, from __________ to ____________

d. A small/medium/large amount of change in my behaviour, most importantly from __________ to ____________

e.  A small/medium/large amount of change in my thoughts, most importantly from __________ to ____________

f.  A small/medium/large amount of change in my feelings, most importantly from __________ to ____________

g.  A small/medium/large amount of change in my motivation, most importantly from __________ to ____________

h.  A small/medium/large amount of change in my spiritual life, most importantly from __________ to ____________

i.  A small/medium/large amount of change in my physical health, most importantly from __________ to ____________

j.  A small/medium/large amount of change in  ___________________________, most importantly from __________ to ____________

-

F. Criteria of Successful Change

12. How will you know that the needed change has occurred? (Please give as concrete examples and indicators as you can.)

a. I will know ___________________________________________ has changed when ___________________________, _____________________________, and _______________________

-

G. Resources

Change sometimes requires extra resources. How available are the following resources for carrying out the change?

13. Support from people:

a) People who and are already supporting me or have indicated they are eager to support me, e.g. ____________________________________________  ________________________________________(list as many as you can think of)

b) People who I think are willing to support me, e.g.  ______________________  ________________________________________(list as many as you can think of)

c) People who could possibly support me, e.g.  ______________________  ________________________________________(list as many as you can think of)

d) No-one

-

14. Information

a) I have all the information I need.

b) I still need to find out more about ___________________ and I can get it from  ___________________________

b) I still need to find out more about ___________________ and don’t know where I can get it

c) I’m not sure whether I have all the information.  However, I do know ______________________________________________________________

d) There’s lots I don’t know and I have no idea where to start.

-

15. Skills

a) I have all the skills I need.

b) I need to beef up on  ___________________ and am already committed to doing  ___________________________________________________ about it

c) I need to beef up on  ___________________ and could do  _________________________________________________________ about it

d) I need to beef up on   ___________________and don’t know how to go about it

e) I need to learn how to   ___________________ and am already committed to doing  ___________________________________________________ about it

f) I need to learn how to   ___________________ and could do  _________________________________________________________ about it

g) I need to learn how to  ___________________and don’t know how to go about it

h) I don’t have a lot of skills to deal with the change.  One skill I DO have is ________________________________________________________________

i) I have no skills whatsoever to deal with the change.

j) I have a feeling there is/are skills that I need to deal with the change but I have no idea what it is/they are.

-

16. Money

a) Readily available.

b) Available if I work on it a bit

c) Pretty tight.

d) None whatsoever.

***

I will post part 2 very soon.

a characteristic of this book that stands out is how much ram dass talks about his guru, maharaj-ji.  the title of the book is “be love now – the path of the heart.”  so why does ram dass go on and on (and ON!) about his guru?  he mentions i don’t know how many times how his guru was able to read his mind or when he did or didn’t manage to see maharaj-ji in person.  and all those references to indian deities – ram, arjun, and for goodness sake, hanuman the monkey devotee.  this is all very faraway and weird-like stuff.  who in the west really wants to have a guru?  of course there are all these people who are called gurus, or like to call themselves gurus.  “the blogging guru” or “the guru of golf”, etc.  this doesn’t really make the idea of a guru more appealing.

and then …

… then there is all the love that shines through this book, the deep, caring, overarching, limitless love that emanates from ram dass.  if we let this work on us, then everything suddenly has a different meaning.  the going on and on stops being annoying and begins to take on the ever-deepening quality of repeating a mantra or saying the rosary.

like the st. john of the cross that i mentioned last week, ram dass is a mystic, a person who “dwells in the love of god.”  (please, let’s take “god” in the widest sense here.)  this dwelling might be one that we have consciously experienced here and there as a short vacation destination, but most of us do not call it our home (and let’s add a comforting “yet”.)  that means that many of the perspectives are unknown or at least unfamiliar – often uncomfortable – for us.  as a point in fact, i had help writing this article by having someone read the passage below to me for easier typing.  there was much sighing and eye-rolling and sarcastic intonation.

from this strange abode of dwelling in the love of god, ram dass says

i am loving awareness

i have a practice in which i say to myself, “i am loving awareness.”  to begin, i focus my attention in the muddle of my chest, on the heart-mind.  i may take a few deep breaths into my diaphragm to help me identify with it.  i breathe in love and breathe out love.  i watch of all the thoughts the create the stuff of my mind, and i love everything, everything i can be aware of.  i just love, just love, just love.

i love you.  no matter how rotten you are, i love you because you are part of the manifestation of god.  in that heart-mind i’m not richard alpert, i’m not ram dass – those are both roles.  i look at those roles from the deeper “i”.  in the heart-mind i’m not identified with my roles.  they’re like costumes or uniforms (^^^) hanging in my closet.  “i am a reader,” “i am a father,” “i am a yogi,” i am a man,” “i am a driver” – those are all roles.

all i am is loving awareness.  I AM LOVING AWARENESS.  it means that wherever i look, anything that touches my awareness will be loved by me.  that loving awareness is the most fundamental “i”.  loving awareness witnesses the incarnation from a place of consciousness different from the plane that we live on as egos, though it completely contains and interpenetrates everyday experiences.

when i wake up in the morning, i’m aware of the air, the fan on my ceiling, i’ve got to love them,  I AM LOVING AWARENESS.  but if i’m an ego, i’m judging everything as it relates to my own survival.  the air might give me a cold that might turn into pneumonia.  i’m always afraid of something in the world that i have to defend myself against.  if i’m identified with my ego, the ego is frightened silly because the ego knows that it is going to end at death.  but if i merge with love, there is nothing to be afraid of.  love neutralizes fear.

awareness and love, loving awareness, is the soul.  this practice of “i am loving awareness” turns you inward toward the soul.  if you dive deep enough into your soul, you will come to god.  in greek, it’s called agape, god love.  martin luther king jr said about agape, this higher love: “it’s an overflowing love which is pure, spontaneous, unmotivated, groundless and creative.  the love of god operating in a human condition.”

it’s the love maharaj-ji spreads around, the unconditional love.  he loves you just because, just because.  spontaneous, unmotivated, groundless. he’s not going to love you because you are an achiever or a devotee, or a yogi, or because you’re on the path.  he loves you just because.  can you accept it?  can you accept unconditional love?

when you can accept that kind of love, you can give that love.  you can give love to all you perceive, all the time.  i am loving awareness. you can be aware of your eyes seeing, your ears hearing, your skin feeling, and your mind producing thoughts, thought after thought after thought.  thoughts are terribly seductive, but you don’t have to identify with them.  you identify not with the thoughts, but with the awareness of the thoughts.  to bring loving awareness to everything you turn your awareness to is love.  this moment is love.  i am loving awareness.

if you put out love, then you immerse yourself in a sea of love.  you don’t put out love in order to get back love.  it’s not a transaction.  you just become a beacon of love for those around you.  that’s what maharaj-ji is.  then from the moment you wake to the moment you go to sleep, and maybe in dreams, too, you’re in a loving environment.

try using i’m loving awareness to become aware of your thought forms and to practice not identifying with them.  then you can identify with your soul, not your fears or anxieties.  once you identify with your spiritual being, you can’t help but be love.

it’s simple.  i start with the fact that i am aware, and then i love everything.  but that’s all in the mind, that’s a thought, and loving awareness is not a thought.  or if it is a thought, it’s pointing to a place that’s not a thought.  it’s pointing at a state of being, the way the concept of emptiness is pointing at emptiness, which is really fullness.

souls love.  that’s what souls do.  egos don’t, but souls do.  become a soul, look around, you’ll be amazed – all the beings around you are souls.  be one, see one.

when many people have this heart connection, then we will know that we are all one, we human beings all over the planet.  we will be one.  one love.

and don’t leave out the animals, and trees, and clouds, and galaxies – it’s all one.  it’s one energy.  it comes through in individual ways, but it’s one energy.  you can call it energy, or you can call it love.  i like to look at a tree and see that it’s love, don’t you?

from the site:

health month is all about designing your own health rules, and then trying to stick to them. we provide the points and the motivation.
here’s how it works:
before the game starts
1. choose your rules
2. make your bets and promises
3. choose how you want to play
o– games with 3 or fewer rules are free
o– games with 4 or more rules are either $5 per game, or $50 per year to become a member
o– if you can’t afford to pay, you can also seek sponsorship. every paying player can sponsor one person per month, or they can choose to pay for you
4. introduce yourself to the other players and wait for the game to start
after the game starts
1. mark off your rules every day
2. get points
3. share your progress

we all know how to be healthy. this game is about finding your limits, giving you incentives to make new habits stick, and helping you learn what works for you.

there’s much more to it, like how well your rule is aligned with your heart, how easy or hard it is to follow the rule, etc. you can choose from a variety of rules and then establish how often you’d like to follow them. many of the rules are about physical health (limit alcohol; cook dinner; eat fruit; limit soda, etc.); some are also about mental health, like

• list grateful things
• limit internet usage
• meditate
• limit television
• write in a private journal
• read
• relax
• get quality time alone
• quality time with kids

i’ve found it very useful, mostly because it helped me be more focused around things that i already do, more or less – and now i do them more. eating greens, for example, or flossing every day.

i was introduced to this by my twitter friend sameer vasta and am part of his little group at health month in october. but i’m thinking of maybe starting my own group. anyone care to join me? we could make it just a tad about mental health …

leave me a comment here or drop me a line if you’d like to participate. if i have three or more confirmed people by october 31 (hallowe’en!), it’s a go. it does cost $5 a month. great investment.

“what’s your mom’s name?” “mommy!”

“who’s that?” “that’s callan. he’s my sister. jaden is my friend.”

“grandma, who’s that in the picture?” “the father.” “what’s his name?” “i don’t know. jack, maybe?” “no, that’s not jack.” “michael?” “no, not michael.” “is his name gordon?” “noooo! not gordon!” (that went on for 10 minutes, to ever-increasing amusement)

and the most interesting one:

i poke him in the belly. he giggles.
me: “who’s that?”
him: “that’s my belly!”
me: “that’s fabian!”
him: “no, that’s not fabian. i’m fabian!”

he’s not his belly. that’s something i’ve been thinking about quite a bit these last few months. to what degree am i my body? my mind? my soul? my ideal version is that it’s all me. i am my mind and my toenail. but it’s so easy to split it all off, and especially from the body. when i say “my feelings” there is a different connotation, a different implication, a different understanding from when i say “my knee”. there is a tacit understanding, often, that i am indeed my feelings but my knee is something that is owned by me, subservient to me. which of course raises the question of who “me” is (that’s material for another post; suffice to say that i quite like what matthew says here, informed by buddhist thich nhat hanh).

these thoughts about identity come to the fore even more now that i am taking a course in focusing. part of this is to go inside and acknowledge/describe a “felt sense” – processes, feelings or sensations that are experienced in the body. a suggestion in focusing is to describe such a sense like in this example:

i notice there is something that feels sad.

what’s curious is how my body reacted to that distancing. there are a number of layers: “i notice”, “there”, “something that …”; even “feels.” it is very different from

i am sad.

my body didn’t like the distancing.  the challenge i see before me is to use the various distances, rather than judge them. i know how very useful it can be for my clients to distance themselves from their feelings, to contemplate the possibility that they are not their feelings, and/or that they are not dominated by their feelings. if that can be useful for them, then clearly i might find some use for it as well.

fortunately, one of the core philosophies of focusing is that wherever the focusser wants to go is right. so there is not party line for me to tow; i don’t HAVE to use the distancing, i CAN use it. that makes me much more amenable to playing with it …

and then of course my research brain got curious. what a great treasure trove to delve a little into to find out what specific things people are grateful for! i spent a few hours to analyze it a bit and cam up with a few surprises and a few things that were expected.

family was the biggest theme. i found 25 mentions of it. most of them were about children, e.g.

three wonderful children with their own uniqueness

and almost as many about spouses, e.g.

climbing into my warm bed, with my husband who loves me, and listening to the rain softly falling all night long……

then a surprise – the next category in “family” was dogs, before mothers, etc.:

for dogs who never tire of seeing me.

chitowngreg’s blog is a 12-step blog, so understandably, there were a lot (21) of expressions of gratitude about recovery and 12-step programs, like

i watched, “crazy heart”, last night. a story about an alcoholic country singer/ songwriter. made me very grateful for my sobriety and the second chance i was given.

indirectly, some of the comments where gratitude is expressed for those kinds of things would also fall into other categories such as spirituality and friends (because of the strong fellowship aspect of 12 steps). i found surprisingly few (5) for friends (“the companionship of friends”) and 4 for spirituality (e.g. “playing ave maria in a little while at mass this morning”).

i was also not necessarily surprised but perhaps “pleasantly confirmed” that those gratitudes contained none of the cultishness that 12-steppers are sometimes accused of.

another topic that came up frequently was basic needs, possibly inspired by greg’s intro to the post about how lucky most of us are. if your combined household income is over $ $26,400 a year, you’re in the top 10% of all income earners in the world. think about that. for many of us westerners, that’s mind boggling. when i think of how many people i know who are wringing their hands because they only make $25 an hour, it’s refreshing to hear this

thank god for running water!

and then there were more comments (14) about the weather/nature than there were about health (11)! that was perhaps the biggest surprise. i would have expected for health to be right up there with family. of course this is anything but a scientific research project – still, i find this remarkable, something i’m thinking of following up (maybe i’ll write one of my brainblogger articles about this sometime soon). loved this comment:

i’m grateful to have had a glorious weekend on the boat and that this afternoon there was a wonderful thunderstorm. we came back through the rain but were safe. nature in all its power!

another surprise: of all the gratitudes i looked at (about 140 altogether), this was the only one that explicitly mentioned nature.

here’s one about health:

i’m grateful today that i can think and speak in words. a dear friend is wordless after a brain hemorrhage, and it’s very hard.

other things that were mentioned more than once, with some examples, and in order of occurrence:

blogging

i’m grateful to have blogs that allow me to reconfirm i am doing the right thing in my life.

gratitude itself
people like you who remind me why i should be grateful when i’m grouchy just because its monday

personal growth

having the courage to ask “what am i going to do,” rather than sitting in pity saying “why”

mornings (that was another surprise – mentioned 7 times)

the possibilities of the whole day in front of me

also home, work, baseball (!!!) and peace.

the poem we start out with today is the famous shin jin mei poem

the perfect way knows no difficulties
except that it refuses to make preferences;
only when freed from hate and love,
it reveals itself fully and without disguise;
a tenth of an inch’s difference,
and heaven and earth are set apart;
if you wish to see it before your own eyes,
have no fixed thoughts either for or against it.
to set up what you like against what you dislike -
this is the disease of the mind:
when the deep meaning of the way is not understood
peace of mind is disturbed to no purpose.

thanks, tricycle!

right action and the death penalty

i’m including this one because the writer draws a (perhaps tentative) conclusion that is different from my own; it’s important to me look at a diversity of points of view. also, it’s fitting to start with this one because “do not kill” is almost always cited as the first exhortation in the teachings about right action. i like the simplicity of it, similar to hippocrates’ basic idea, “first do no harm”. here is an excerpt of the post dying for killing:

one of the most important things the buddha taught was “do not kill.” it’s commonly accepted as the first precept. so, buddhists clearly do not believe that it’s right to kill, to take life. as the buddha did not teach, “do not kill except in the following cases…”, it’s commonly accepted that all killing is wrong. this is why many buddhists are vegetarians, peace activists and conscientious objectors.

isn’t it amazing how something so straightforward can be treated with such confusion? because here’s where i start wavering.

right action and the body

here, in fact, is a translation offered by a buddhist from malaysia about the buddha’s teaching. it is interesting how in the west, the idea of right action is usually linked closely to ethics whereas this section clearly is concerned with what one does with one’s body:

and which, friends, are the 3 kinds of bodily moral behaviour in harmony with the dhamma? here someone, stop all killing of living beings, abstains from injuring living beings; with rod & weapon laid aside, gentle and kind, such one dwells sympathetic towards all living beings.

avoiding the taking of what is not given, one refrains from stealing,what is not freely give. one does not take by way of theft the wealth and property of others, neither in the village nor in the forest. abandoning abuse of sensual pleasures, such one gives up misuse in sensual pleasures. one does not have intercourse with partners, who are protected by their mother, or father, or mother and father, or brother, or sister, or relatives, who is married, betrothed to another, who are protected by law, in prison, or who are engaged to other side.

that is how there are three kinds of bodily moral behaviour in harmony with the dhamma… such is right action!

right action, teaching and fun
this excerpt here from back to buddhism illustrates why it can sometimes be difficult to find interesting posts about buddhism – many buddhists just don’t bother to stick the label “buddhism” onto all they write.

i really don’t think it’s necessary to categorize something as buddhism or not-buddhism; after all, there is really not much difference between the two. when i write about racism, i am writing about right mind. when i write about teaching, i am writing about right action.

so let’s see what he says about teaching.

in all my classes, whether they are english or computer science or meditation, i make a concerted effort to make sure it is fun. in fact, i try to make class silly. the class has to be fun for me and it has to be fun for my students. if we are not having fun, we are not learning.

… after lunch is the most difficult time to teach. to counteract the drowsiness of my students, i knew i would have to really knock the lesson out of the park.

it’s relatively easy to act out the verbs – walk, shout, am. it’s also not so hard to point to nouns and dress them up with adjectives. even adverbs are not so hard to impersonate

however, acting out through and at and with is a bit more of a challenge; toward was nearly impossible.
we made it through prepositions i had planned. salt played a big role in the lesson. the salt is on the table, above the table, under the table, with the glass, behind the glass. there was a combination of horror and laughter when the salt went in the glass.

right action, software and the mundane. oh, and green living

at first glance, this post on buddhism and software selection (first found on another malay buddhist blog, buddhist bugs) seemed a little lightweight. well, it is, just like the book they suggest, what would buddha do? nevertheless, there is something intriguing to seeing buddhist teachings applied to something so seemingly mundane (and yet very important for businesses, just like not stealing and not cheating). after all, if we don’t apply the teachings to the mundane, what’s the point?

and if you’re in the mood for more lightweight reading, go to mother nature news and read about the book what would the buddha recycle? once again, it’s easy to raise our highbrow eyebrows but let’s be honest – isn’t light and fluffy material like this that sometimes provides the entrance to more profound learnings?

right action and inaction
buddha’s pillow has a number of posts on right action, like this one on responsibility:

many of us choose inaction in stressful or frightening situations. this is not practice. inaction in the presence of conscious choices of right vs. wrong actions is irresponsible to oneself and one’s world.

right action and social responsibility
more on responsibility.  here`s an interview at shambala sun about social action:
goodman: kittisaro often quotes ajahn chah as saying, “if it shouldn’t be this way, it wouldn’t be this way.” yet we live in a world of great suffering. how do you reconcile ajahn chah’s teaching with the buddhist precepts of “right speech” and “right action”?

thanissara: at some level it’s obviously true—it can be no way other than it is right now. however our actions in the present condition the future.

buddha didn’t just sit there and say, “oh well, the world is at it is.” he acted. in fact he tried three times to prevent a war between those in his home country of kapilavastu and the king of kosala. yet he wasn’t able to stop the bloodshed. he had to accept that this was a karma he couldn’t alter, but it didn’t mean that he didn’t try. on leaving the area, it is recorded that his beloved attendant ananda asked him why he was so sad, to which the buddha replied that his people would be massacred within the week.

right action, therapy, living in the now and values

the smart buddhist, written by a therapist, has all kinds of choice morsels on offer. here he touches on a sensitive point for me, the idea of being value neutral as a therapist:

the experience of living in the present, paradoxically, can tempt us into experiential avoidance all over again, just in a new form. it’s quite possible to trade escape from the now for escape into the now. the recent enthusiasm for mindfulness and acceptance in the west needs to be channeled properly or we risk creating just another form of western self-indulgence. by themselves, mindfulness methods as they’re often used in western psychotherapy don’t give sufficient attention to the organizing influence of purpose in human life. in the spiritual traditions from which such practices were drawn, “right action” is specified through ethical principles. but western therapists are encouraged to take a value-neutral professional stance, and not direct our clients to any particular belief or “right action” enjoined by a religious or spiritual tradition. nevertheless, we still can help our clients gain access to their deepest aspirations and turn a life lived in the present moment into a life worth living.

right action and rightness

in the last little while, i’ve come across a number of situations where people understandably got a little itchy at the idea of rightness, for example in the comments on my post about trying to come up with a definition of mental health. what’s with this right action, right thought, etc.? part of this comes precisely from the doctrine of value neutrality that many of us been exposed to – in therapy for some of us, but definitely in science. historically, this is also (paradoxically) connected to the very fabric of democracy and human rights, for example when it comes to religious freedom. it is useful, then, to look at this idea of rightness. dogen sangha gives a bit of insight here:

there is none among the many kinds of right that fails to appear at the very moment of doing right. the myriad kinds of right have no set shape, but they converge on the place of doing right faster than iron to a magnet, and with a force stronger than the vairambhaka winds.

(even though each of milliaeds rights do never have any kinds of decisive form beforehand, and so there is no right, which exists before at the present moment, and at the same time there is no right, which continues its existence to the next moment. right is always exists just at the present moment, and such a present moment continue at every moment.)

right is a simple fact, which occurs just when it is done at the present moment, therefore it is perfectly impossible for right to exist at a different moment other than at the present moment at all.

right action and musicianship

we started with the art of poetry, let’s end with the art of trumpetry. here is a beautiful piece at macfune about musicians and right action

what, then, of the moral commitment of the musician? what is it to be a trumpet player? certainly we can differentiate between the hack who puts some plumbing to his lips every once in a while and the truest artist whose spiritual being is not separate from the physical processes inherent in performance. the difference is morality. the difference is how one lives one’s life, not how one thinks idly about right and wrong but how one acts.

(side note: nothing is still, nothing is constant, nothing exists from one instant to the next: all we are is action. there are no nouns in this universe, only verbs. all nouns are categorical statements that limit and defy the constantly changing nature of phenomenal existence. “i” should be understood as a verb, not a noun.)

right. so the musician is, like all artists, exploring the fundamental question of human existence: the moral question. when we listen to miles, coltrane, glenn gould, to the cleveland orchestra playing beethoven (!), or to any other great musician, if we pay attention we can hear a profound moral question posed.

i remember reading somewhere or other that the key to understanding jazz is to hear the hidden social message: in the softest, most intimate ballad are the seeds of a profound sadness, and in the most joyous, swinging celebratory bop number is wild rebellion, lurking just beneath the surface.

if you’ve made it this far, thank you! come again next month, on september 15, or read some of the other buddhist carnivals.