Comments on: alcohol, art, sobriety and escape

By: Evan

Evan — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 22:59:53 +0000

I hope you can get to rehab soon Lew.

By: Lew

Lew — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 15:36:33 +0000

Things are quite bad. Art is second to drinking. My sister doesn’t recognise me; I’m doing a bad job of looking after my father; my life is stagnant and stale. Oh, what’s the point?

I’m beginning to consider seriouslsy whether I’m bi-polar. I’ve had such a low period this year, then up until this morning, for about a week, I’ve been on an indescribable high – not insanity, but wackiness. I’ve filled this high in the same way I fill the lows, with booze. Loneliness is definitely a symptom of my ills. The only time I ever feel on the same level as other people is when drinking, caught in the bacchanalia of a night/day out. Needless to say, this is draining my funds and getting me into a debt that never lifts. I am out of control. I think rehab is the only answer, but I’m scared.

Oh, damn it, what is the point?

By: Lew

Lew — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 23:57:02 +0000

How’s it working out for you, Denise? It seems you asked me a question before I abruptly left the site, off to… well, you know how it is. And I didn’t want to start to get really negative, and that was how I was feeling, when you were doing so well.

Lew

By: Lew

Lew — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 23:53:10 +0000

I’m feeling fairly positive today. I finished drinking at 8:00 a.m. on Monday morning, slept for two hours, and since then I’ve been sober. You’ll have to excuse my writing; my sleeping pill is kicking in and it’s starting to take control of my limbs and my vision.

This recent series of bouts of drink – and cocaine – have been good ones. I’ve had some great times, socially. But physically my body is producing too much blood, and one morning, a week ago, it worried me so much I decided to go to the doctor’s. He ran all the necessary tests and yesterday told me I had raised levels of GGT and triglycerides in my blood, and albumin in my urine. He said they were better than expected, but needless to say, the only way of reducing these levels is to stop drinking. So I begin once again.

He told me that just because I had better news than expected, it doesn’t mean I should go out and get wasted. He didn’t need to say this of course, but it is the sort of thing that might give cause to continue, and has done in the past. Today, however, knowing the amount of alcohol and drugs I have put in my system – at times, finishing off an all day bender at home with a full bottle of vodka – I felt lucky that my body held out. It sort of soothes the macho-drinking side of me. I am still far from fit, of course, but I want to be.

And in the spaces in-between oblivion, before the sweet state of booze makes it seem right for me to drink until drop, I’ve been trying to prepare myself for abstinence. The one question I find myself asking above all is, should I continue with my art?

By: Denise

Denise — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:53:33 +0000

Hi Lew,
Although you went out Saturday night,you seem very aware of putting pen to paper. Your answers to my questions are very interesting and if you don’t mind me saying your reports strike me as very sober too. I say again I look forward to hearing from you and reading what you have to say on this subject. By the way well done. As I may assume you are still writing, which is a good sign.
I have been reading alot about my problem, which has been helping me.
The first steps I intend to take towards my goal are:-
1. Finding out more about my drinking problem.
2. Keeping a Journal or Diary, so I know what I am doing from one day to the next.
3. I must keep motorvaited to make these changes then I can achieve them.
I’ve have read I should give myself rewards for the above.
So I will reward myself, for example:-
1. A reward in its self, is that my whole body is changing for the better. i.e. health, energy, my brain is more aquired to cope I feel more assertive. My confidence is growing day by day.
2, I am saving more money, that I would not have when I’am drinking, which leads to:-
3. I can deposit money in to Bank, Plan a Holiday, (whereas I have one coming up in June to the UK). I also find pleasure in giving to others, which is a reward in its self.
I have read about Countering?
The actities I will use to divert my attention from alcohol are:-
1. I am going back to work next month (part time in a office, which I am really looking forward too.
2. I love to study, be it on the internet, books, or what ever I can get my hands on. I love learning, which also cuts down my smoking, as well as taking my mind off alcohol.
3. Last of course housework, I like the appearence of my flat once I’ve cleaned and had a sudden change around, the satisfaction I have is huge.
I’ve also read about exercising, So Iwill.
1. go to the GYM, as I love the buse I get when I come out, I could do almost anything, as I am on a high, it is also good for my diet too. So I’am killing two bird’s with one stone.
2. I like swimming, I have a very good friend I can go with, as she loves swimming too. So I will have company too.
3. I love to walk, especially along the beach, and climbing over the rocks even at my age, its great fun, cliff paths, and so on. as I walk everywhere. I would only take a bus to a part of the island I wanted to visit, and probabley walk back.
4. I used to cycle everywhere myself, I would’nt mind starting again.
I’ve read about relaxing. For me WHAT’S THAT?, I find relaxing hard, I’am more relaxed when I’am doing something! But I suppose I could.
1. reaed, I enjoy reading all sorts, from fiction to real life stories
2. I like music, I have my faviourites, like most people, (to tell you the truth If I’am on my own I start dancing I enjoy that too.)
3. shopping I think its very therapeutic, even if you don’t buy anything.
I’ve read about Environmental Control?
The situations, people, thought or emotions I most need to avoid are:-
1. Most people would say the obvious, having no alcohol in the house, so you are not tempted.
Whereas my Partner likes a drink, I can say at this moment in time, it does not bother me if he has a larger in the house. Although I have noticed he has cut done considerabley, since I have stopped drinking! He has said he will go out to the pub when he feels like a drink, but it’s very expensive these days.
2. I would say I would have to avoid my cousin, as she has no understanding at all of my problem. I think she goe’s out of her way to try and make me drink, but that’s what I see and think.
3. My thought and emotion’s I need to avoid are:- 1. This seems obvious to me to use all the above in oorder to keep my mind occuiped. (i.e. in order to not think totally about drinking),
2. My emotions, I must try not to worry about problem’s, that hav’ant arised yet . Take a step back and think. Will these really matter in a couple of year’s time.
There’s a saying “Growing old beats the alternative – dying young.
What would I do if someone offers me a drink:-
1. I think of time past, when people have and been persistent. I think thats were wilpower comes in.
2. Thinking about it now, I can say no to a drink, alternatively have orange juice or coffee, which I can drink one after the other.
3. Also do I won’t to go down that road again. NO! THINK of getting the balance right. I will be back at square one if I don’t:_
Way up my Needs and Wants which are:-
Needs:-
1. WORK
2. DEBTS
3. CHORES
4. FAMILY

Wants:-
1. PLAY
2. EXERCISE
3. RELAX
4. CREATIVITY

I’am told it is good to have a Contract:-

It seems I have one I feel much better when I have versed my opion’s to you, I hope I can continue to do so?

What do you think so far I value your oppion.

Don’t forget life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

Denise

By: isabella mori

isabella mori — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:03:18 +0000

lew, i’m still in europe, with limited internet access – looking after my mother, as you are with your father. just wanted to send a thank-you for your words. it just occurred to me that the way you phrase your “reports” tend to strike me as – sober. isn’t that interesting?
.-= isabella mori (@moritherapy)´s last blog ..Blog down? Up? Down? Up? =-.

By: Lew

Lew — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:43:57 +0000

I ended up drinking last night. I couldn’t have dealt with the social situation any other way. I went into it in a relatively good mood, but my general melancholy was obvious to my friend, despite my best efforts to be lively and jovial. I didn’t have much of a hangover – maybe I was still drunk, this morning – but I was very aware of the way the drink tampers with my resolve.

One night of it loosens the bolts of self-discipline. I start to fantisize about my image as a writer, which is just about one of the ugliest and most redundant aspects of my personality – I try to coax myself into drinking, convince myself a short life is not a bad thing. But today, I still remain firm despite it all; I fought past the sloth of my next-day-demeanour and fulfilled my responsibilites in the care of my father – one thing to be positive about.

But even without the increased anxiety, associated with a night of heavy drinking, life is very hard at the moment. I don’t want alcohol, not really, but the numerous situations that crop up are hard to escape, and escaping them at this stage is the unfortunate key to abstinence, for these situations invariably involve my poisonous foe.

Lew

By: Denise

Denise — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 19:16:57 +0000

Hi Lew,

You’ve mentioned that your friend’s & family know you have a problem. You are doing extremly well, considering your low mood, I’am not one to advise at all, but sureley it is you that must come first here. You can still see your friend whom is visting the UK. But in different surroundings. If she’s a real good friend she will understand. You have come this far since Lent, just think about when this book of your’s. You’ve got me interested, I would like to own one, once it is complete I should imagine its very interesting and most helpful, as I enjoy reading your Emails and lookforward to them

Denise

By: Lew

Lew — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 12:26:18 +0000

What might be in the way? A friend called me last night to arrange a meet up. She lives in Fuerteventura and she’s back in the UK for a couple of weeks. She sent me messages on Facebook and phoned me up a number of times, but I ignored it all – mainly because I’m feeling really down. After a few days I started to feel guilty about it; she’s a good friend and she’s been there for me, even though I’ve never really let her in. So I answered the phone and spoke to her. Within five minutes she got me organising a college reunion against my will – this is with people we haven’t seen for years in some cases. I sent out one of those facebook messages and now it looks like it’s going ahead on Saturday. Needless to say, I have two options here, 1. I don’t go to a reunion I’ve foolishly organised, 2. I drink. I really don’t want to drink.

This is what gets in the way. People.

I’ve been really depressed the last couple of weeks. In the hope to cope with the next 10 weeks I went to see the doctor. He prescribed me Citalopram. This was a probably a bad idea, the last time I took SSRI’s (10 years ago), I started cutting myself and eventually tried to kill myself. The last few days, these feelings of utter despair have returned. It’s made my life worse.

I can get through this. I’ve seen my fair share of depression and I know it will pass. I’ve had thoughts of suicide, but this is merely suicidal ideation, I won’t kill myself. But depression makes situations so much worse, constant stress and anxiety, as you know. I don’t even want to reach for the bottle; I can ride this blue out if people just leave me be, but I don’t have the ability to let people leave me be, because it causes all manner of stress. No matter how many times I explain this, as a last resort, to the many, many people I’ve come to know, no-one truly understands this. They say they get it, but then it’s ‘arr, come on, Lew.’ Perhaps the reason they don’t understand it is because I’ve done all in my power to shelter people from it. They know I’m not well some of the time, they know I have a drink problem, but I never let anybody see me when I’m staring into the void, once the tears have dried and it feels like there’s nothing left.

I just want to be well and healthy. I want to see the other side, but I’m so steeped in it this side. I can tell you now what will happen Saturday. If I feel like I feel now, I won’t go – and it will cause the corrosive guilt to eat at my gut – or I’ll feel slightly better and I will go. The latter will absolve me of the one guilt, but I will have let myself down.

The only line of clarity I can offer here, and it’s logic is almost irrelevant, is that this drudgery is purely a mood-influenced diatribe, and maybe things will seem better in the morning. Perhaps then I can consider your questions.

And good for you, Denise! I’m glad things are looking up and that you’re feeling healthier.

Lew

By: Denise

Denise — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:22:39 +0000

Hi Lew,
I am pleased for you, giving up alcohol for lent
You asked me about my TRIGGERS. My main ones are:-
1. Boredom
2. I can become very anxious about the simplest of things, which leads me to negitive thoughts, that leads me to go downhill.
3. My main TRIGGER. Is when I hav’ant had a drink for 3 to 5 months say. I start thinking well you’ve done well. ONE won’t hurt you, I actually convenience myself I’ll just have the ONE DRINK. But I don’t ofcourse

DISTRACTION or ALTERNATIVE BEHAVIOUR.

Keep a diary, i.e. Organizer, Planner. I can at least then plan a week or two ahead, and know what I am doing!
SAY:-
1. Three times a week at the gym (I feel great afterwards.)
2. I can go swimming with my mate, go for a coffee afterwards, catch up.
3. Housework, I don’t always like it, but the satisfaction I have when I’ve finished is HUGE.
4. Reading.
5. Relaxing, having time to myself to do what I want to do.

I THEN CAN SEE MY OUTCOME.

At this time:-
1. I feel much healthier.
2. My diet is healthier, I have the odd treat.
3. I’am more alert, both with other people, and to deal with life’s problen’s. That seemed to be HUGE when I was drinking.
4. The money I’ve saved. I can plan a holiday, treat myself, save for a rainy day.
5. I’am not drinking right now so that has to be good.

Now I have to have a GOAL in my life, I can work on for the next month or so. I need to take steps to make this change. I have to also think, what might get in my way of making my change.

What woulf your GOAL be and what steps would you take to make the change and what might be in the way.

Denise