15 words of wisdom i’ve picked up over the last year or so:
- we grow in a climate of love, not a climate of judgment. that’s why we need to make sure we don’t judge ourselves and others.
- it takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a village to heal from our wounds.
- nobody owes you forgiveness.
- the only dependence that works is dependence on goodness.
- it’s ok to listen to what the dysfunctional parts of me say – i just don’t let them run the show.
- in healing your relationships, ask yourself: what do the people i my life want from me that i can give them, and that will bring them and myself joy?
- when in doubt, don’t say it – you can always add something but you can’t make something unsaid.
- when things get too crazy, i excuse myself, go to the washroom, and pray.
- guilt gets in the way of healing.
- setting boundaries does not mean imposing one’s will.
- how about moving from people pleasing to just being pleasant to people, including yourself?
- going from “i can’t!” to “really? i can’t?”
- people pleasing is a form of selfish manipulation. it’s trying to make them like me.
- she had enough trouble being kind to herself. she didn’t need to hang around people who were hostile to her on top of it.
- the answer is always: stay in the moment, and be loving.
isabella mori
counselling in vancouver
Hey – great to get back in touch via your blog (wonderful job, by the way). Regarding #9, total assent from me! One of my biggest roles in my money coaching is helping people let go of their guilt, sometimes deep shame, at how they handle their money. We get all these messages about how we should be awesome money managers, or have a certain amount set aside, and then we carry crazy baggage around if we don’t measure up … so we’re totally not inspired to do anything about it, which reinforces, etc. etc.
Hmmm…
But on the other hand, sometimes we ARE guilty. I’m not thinking so much about money here, as just in life. I am guilty of laying into people who don’t deserve it, simply because they didn’t meet my expectations. I’m as capable of subtle manipulations to assert my will on an issue as anyone. Isn’t acknowledging guilt a first step in healing, rather than something that gets in the way?
i think there is a big difference between feeling guilty on the one hand and on the other hand noticing our flaws and our responsibility for it.
feeling guilty often comes with telling ourselves that we are bad, with hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing – and then we get so busy with that that we forget about making amends. (or, worse, the guilt makes us feel awful, and we end up turning against the person who “made us” feel guilty in the first place – a “blame the victim” process that is well documented by research).
of course, to some degree this is a language problem. in the end, acknowledging responsibility and acknowledging guilt are very similar – but the english language carries so much unproductive baggage with concepts such as guilt and blame that for now, we’re probably better off not using them too much in our healing vocabulary.