This is a special new area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia. I know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.
However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.
Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.
This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).
So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.
(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)
Here are a few things you may want to start out with:
- Do you get enough support from people around you?
- How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
- Have you found a food plan that works for you?
- How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
- Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
- How long have you been in recovery?
- What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?
PLEASE NOTE:
Due to the great success of this page, I have now created a new page on this site, to make the large comment/talk section a bit easier to manage. Please continue your discussion here.
(And another note: Any message on this page that seems even remotely like spam will be deleted. This is NOT a place to advertise.)
im 110 lbs at 5’9, and 15 years old. i realized i never told you guys tht before. my lowest weight was 98 lbs, and i thought that that was the most beautiful i ever looked, even though my hair was falling out by the handfulls, with dark bags under my eyes, and skin like sand paper.
i have no faith, no love for myself. i wish i could trade lives with someone dieing of cancer or in africa or something so they could live this one right and i could die..
ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
I’m sorry, wasn’t here for a while…
To everyone that’s having a hard time, I understand. I’m not doing all that great emotionally either and it’s affecting my eating habits as well… I don’t count or anything, or have food on my mind for that matter, but my appetite is down and I can’t say I’m eating enough.
UGHHH, just so stressed!!!! I wish I had a hobby or something. It feels like I lost all my interests and joy of life from all the things I’ve been through, and I don’t know what makes me happy in the sense of something I can do myself… Am I supposed to live all my life through others making me content enough to live? This seems like a nightmare. I want to be able to be happy myself. I’m sorry if it sounds mean.
Laurie, you have come such a long long way, much further than I have, and I wish I could be at a position where I am strong enough to not let things affect me so greatly. You have inspired me so much, and it is so unfortunate that there are many people out in this world who are judgmental or inconsiderate. It is good that you are standing up for yourself and finding out who your true friends are, though. We are always here for you whenever you need us.
Aliza take a big, big breath. You are worthy and lovable. I know what it feels like to have no love for yourself and no faith, but you must remember each and all of us are very special and unique. We are all different, and there is no other like you. You are here because you DO have a purpose in life. You are the only one in this few billion people Earth holds. You are SO special. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to love yourself.
Nature- how do you do it? how do you not count calories?
Most days i can stop counting, but today i cant. My dads coming tomorrow to see me for the 1st time in 8 years. I visit him every summer but he moved 2,000 miles away when I was 8. I was at my worst last summer when I saw him, and he’s always been proud of how skinny I am. What if he comments? What if he says something about me gaining weight? I know ill stop eatin as much. The thing is, though, I’ve gained 7 pounds and my boyrfriend says he cant notice a difference. IM probably exaggerating it in my mind…
anyway, My boyfriend is sick. He cant eat. He eats like a cliff bar or breadsticks for dinner. He has no idea what calories are really lol so its not like hes trying to eat less… but its really hard to eat and love myself when I know he isnt eating as much (it doesnt matter for what reason we dont work like that : (. What should I do? Im under a lot of stress with school. Im not sleeping enough at all and Im ready to just pass out and lay down in the middle of everything going on around me.
i have an anatomy test. Did you know that our skin has acid on it that is toxic to bacteria? pretty cool how we work huh? I wish we could let ourselves see that. A college that wants me to go there literally sent me a novel in the mail today. A legitimate adolescent story. I find it hysterical.
aliyah-
Thanks for the advice. I try to drink a lot of water. Yes I’m a healthy BMI. well i mean I’m on the border of underweight bmi. But I don’t feel like I’m almost underweight, I feel way fatter than I was before. I must have gained 20 pounds from what I was before. Its just hard because I always restrict a lot the next day after a binge, and that makes me binge again. I don’t know why I’m so messed up.
Kayla-
Thanks for understanding! I wish I had never gotten this either. But I think that everything happens for a reason, and I think that having these EDs have made all of us stronger people. I can say that I am starting to appreciate my body more now. Thanks for the support, i love when eating fits into my schedule too!
Ilisa-
Thank you so much! The encouragement pushes me to try harder to get better. I’ve had a lot of trouble with binging during my recovery. I’m trying to exercise a lot more and live healthier without depriving myself of food entirely.
You have just done amazing, and youve gotten so far, it’s great to have people that can relate to me <3
Good job to everyone! I look forward to hearing more from you all
Aliza- recovery is very challenging. Even when you have been in recovery for months. The only way the emotional pain lessens is with TIME> I know it sucks hellllla (Northern California word ingrained in my vocab.) badly. Learning to accept, like, and even love yourself if the KEY to recovery. You will never have the strength to beat anna if she can play off your self hate. The disorder voice feed on hate. Trust me. I relapsed because I never loved myself and was always degrading myself for every little thing. I strongly suggest self esteem boosting activities and maybe for everything negative you say or think, say 3 things good about you. Sounds silly, but IT WORKS!!!!
Today I went to an ASU meeting- asian students union- becasue 3 of my friends are asian and have been saying how fun the club is. I’m white just an fyi. So I went and had a blast, all the members were really warm and welcoming and the activity todays was enjoyable. Its just, gish I feel so racist and stupid for thinking this, many asians are naturally stick or near stick then. It is their genees and how they are raised. Being in a rrom with many thin women was VERRRRRRY hard for me. But i did it and had a lot of fun!
It’s just now I wish I was skinnier like them, why am I not made genetically built to be skinny. Sometimes lifes is mean and crule and unfair!!!!!
Carrie- I am in the same boat! My Bmi is 19.2 or maybe 19.1 now, I do not like scales at all. I hate them. But I feel fatter than I used to be. I have found myself oddly missing being so thin, of having the false and being the thinnest one in the room.
Silly thought I know,but I just cant help it. This semester is stressful with trying to find a summer job, housing for next year, school, and work, it’s all crashing down on me!!!! Eating is very hard for me when i feel so stressed and out of control. I’m sure you guys can understand that. 
Ilisa, I was just dead emotionally the time I decided to get recovered (emotionally). I had really bad depression (clinic) and already attempted to take my life, so I really saw nowhere else to go. Seeing as death really wasn’t the answer, I HAD to get better.
Let’s face it… the ED only bring death in the end. We all deserve to live…
Whenever the numbers came in, I just said no, no, no and forced myself to not think about it. I’d go for walks or read or watch tv…. distract myself. Talk to people on MSN if I couldn’t handle going out. I told myself that there is more to food than just calories. It was going to let me live again, and I needed it. Everyone needs food to live, after all, so it’s illogical to think that eating more than x amount (a low amount we consider too much when having an ED) was going to make me fat when everyone else ate more than that. It takes time. I think the key is repetition and being consistent.
You can do it, xx.
Woah, brain not working at 1AM in the morning. Ignore the emotionally in the brackets and I meant clinical in the second brackets…
And ED only brings*
Oh btw, does anyone suffer from insomnia?
carrie- i do psychology, ive done lots of reading on ed’s, and by restricing and purging u enter a cycle, that is continous. u binge because ur bodies been starved, and then ur emotions are everywhere cause mixed eating like that, seriously messes up ur hormone levels.
i used to the same as u, and once i stopped and it gets better! so u need to try and eat similar anounts everyday without the restricting and bingeing and u will feel better. all the best
Ilsa- i used to be like that with my bf!! i used to be like if he doesnt eat a snack at this timeor whatever i aint either, but thats not fair because u are different from ur bf, ur body has different needs, and hes ill his body needs more fluid and rest. ur body though, needs FOOD, so get eating missy and no exuses
melissa- being skiny doesnt mean anything, it doesnt give anyone more worhtiness or make them prettier. who u really are is what matters, and a feminine body is wayyyyyy better, and guys prefer it, and it really does look better, thnk of all the stars that are not stick thin like beyonce, and scarlet johanson and so on, they are beautiful but not stick thin. dotn be harsh on urself, we all love the person u are, we dont love tha ana part x
x
i get sooo jealous when i see people eating less than me. i feel like i always have to be the person eating the least amount. its not very hard for me, except when im with a certian group of people. most of my friends eat alot, and its also hard because they’re always pressuring me to eat more, even though they dont know that ive been through this.
the other day i was shopping with my friend,( the one that knows about my ed.) and she caught me just staring in a mirror in a daze. then she caught me again staring at a realllyyyy skinny asian girl. i was SOOO jealous, so i get where your coming from.
nature, i feel exactly the same all the time. i dont suffer from insomnia, but my sleeping patterns have certianly changed. i wake up in the middle of the night at about 4. sometimes at 3 and 5. but it happens in sets. like, for 2 or 3 nights ill sleep all through the night, but for the next week ill have broken sleep.
i still count calories, but not as intesly. i used to cry for hours if i ate something that i didnt know the calorie content in.. but i came up with a good idea. i eat 1800 calories right? well i eat about 1400 calories that i count, but then the extra 400 calories i estimate. i dont measure that 400 calories. and its good for ocations, like i your gonna have bday cake or something. i just has to be something you dont know the calories in. i started off with 100 calories unknown first, then expanded. i guess i dont think about food as much becuase i already know everything. i know what im going to eat, and thats not going to change, that isnt very good. i need some more variaty..
i cant stop thinking. i want out of this!! i want to be done. i want it to be over. i sorry to all of you who are having a hard time.
im so depressed. i lost 2 lbs within the past few days. and i thought i was eating too much.:(
i need someone to save me. i need out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyJChP-mzqw
aliza- its really good that on top of ur emotional stress, you are trying to eat more, and 1800 cals is a good start! be proud !
variety u say? variety is good, u need it, so u shud try and make it things u like, what have u not had in ages, that u really enjoy? i used to not eat stuff like pizza and chips, and lasagnas but now they are some of my fave foods. how about nice choccie that u havent had in a while, even if u cant manage it all, a few bites of something u enjoy is good
u really r not easting enough, and thats affecting ur sleep too, u need to try REgain those 2 pounds back, and hopefully ull see improvements.
you can save urself, u bought urself here, u will bring urself out, u need to challenge and fight. u thought u were fat, but u actually lost weight, what does that tell you? it means ur not seeing urself as u really are, and the image usee in the mirror is not true, so u need to eat and get a healthier perspective.
xx
Whyy did I let myself get so fatt! I know I shouldn’t but I really need to losee weight!!
kayla- jsut because ur bmi is nearly healthy, ur still at the lowest end of a healthy body weight, that is not fat in any way shape or foem, and if ur comparing urself to skinny models or whatever thats not fair because they are EXTREMELY and grossly and dangerously underweight, and they are all suffering. they arent happier and better off in any way at all. plus they look gross, walking skeletons, why wud u want to look like that?
i know at my lowest weight, i felt fat, but being at a larger one, i dont feel fat, i feel healthier.
remember, emotions are not facts hun. proud of you, stay strong and eat well. x
I know Aliyah:( ! Its just the way the weight has came on tho! Like I’m not toned. Its just flabby and I hate it! I’m back at dancing now so hopefully it’ll sort itself out! .. To be honest It’s not always my weight that puts me down, its mostly the feeling of eatin too much. Greed. Lack of control. Gaining weight is really just the outcome I suppose. It’s the thing that shows you are recovered….Thats how I used to explain my reason for losing weight. I didn’t really want to be thin. I knew I looked terrible. But it was like my trophy I suppose. I wanted to be in control. Feel empty. Feel superior. It just so happened that that causes the weight to come off, therefore it’s the proof that you have done it. I mean, If I danced and won a trophy, the trophy is not the reason I took part in the competition, but its always good to have it as proof that you worked hard and reached your goal. I’m babblin again sorry.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is, I dont think thin is a nice look at all, but it was my trophy, and I gave it away. I really dont want to put anyone else down. But sometimes I miss ana. And I know what your all going to say … Its not real happiness, its not real control, it’s all false and it’ll only kill me! But sometimes I wish I didn’t let it go. “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” Its a horrible saying, but its true in my mind. I wish it wasn’t.
Everyone else stay strong. I know you all probably like to come on here for motivation and stuff. But you’re the only people who understand. Thanks x
im gonna be gone for a while.. toronto trip.
kayla, i feel the same way, being anorexic was more than being skinny, but a sence that you accomplished something, that you were strong enouggh for it. i used it as a competition. like, if i went 5 days without eating, i got the gold. but you can use it to your advantage now too. use this competitive spriit for recovery. the more positive you are, then the bigger trophy you get.
i feel like shit.
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i cant take my own advice.
btw: the above is my face. half of them are frowns and the other half are double chins.
ive been freaking about my scars lately. what am i gonna do? its getting pretty warm lately… i was thinking about maybe laser scar surgury..but it costs like 1000 dollars. i was wondering if i could get one giant tatoo covering my entire arm, just being my natural skin color. would that work? i have the scars of my weight carved into my leg. its pretty scary:( from what i can see it goes from 181 to 98.
i used to be addicted to collecting recipies and baking for people. but now, i cant stop searching up suicide stories and depression articles.
bye, heading out tomorow. this is gonna be awful.:(
okay, that face didnt turn out. lemmie try that again.
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see? i fail at everything i try.
Melissa-
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I loved being the thinnest in the room. I used to feel like my body was perfect and that’s where all my confidence came from. Now I just don’t know…
aliyah-
That actually makes a lot of sense. My hormones are definitely not at normal levels. I get bad migraines too, and this might be one of the causes. I know I need to stop the cycle, but it’s so hard. When I was anorexic, I would fast all day and eat a lot of vegetables for dinner. I would eat until i was stuffed. Now, i try to eat more throughout the day, but Im still stuck in the habit of eating a whole lot at night, until im stuffed. I think this is where the binging comes from, because instead of binging on vegetables, I binge on sweet foods.
You guys I’m trying so hard, but it’s not working. I’ve been going to the gym a lot. It makes me feel better about myself. Today I did so well. I burned 450. I felt good. I went to dinner with my dad and ate so healthy, and then I came home and binged on brownies my mom had made. I freaked out and took a laxative. I had been doing so well! I havent taken laxatives in a couple weeks and my progress was destroyed within one minute. I just feel like crying. I don’t know what to do, I just feel like the biggest failure.
Carrie- You are NOT a failure!!!!!!!!!!!! Recover is ups and downs, the good and the bad,. You do not go straight froward, at times you can take bounds an leaps forwards and the next day degress twenty steps back. One tip I learned in group therapy was recovery is SUPPOSED toi be hard, you will mess up. Recovery is like life, no one does it perfectly! However use how you feel RIGHT NOW! You are mad at yourself for taking that laxative, it was NOT worth it! Slip ups will occur less and less often you use ur feelings of anger and shame when you want to take another laxative. In group I slipped up BAD! I bingedand purged so badly I did not eat all day then had a normal portioned dinner- then binged for an hour and vomitted till my nose bled, and I mean poured! It did that alot at the end when I would not use my hands to vomit.
Gosh I was so sick, I used to think I was COOOOL becasue I had this incredible talent of making myself throw up. I trained my stomach muscles to throw up independently, it was faster and quieter. Wow, my mind was so messed up. lol
Carrie- i know its very hard to break the cycle, throw away the laxatives, and dont push urself too much ine xercise. the problem is ur hormones are controlling your binge-purge cycles, ive read up a lot on this, and it only makes u feel worse, and then that pushes u to do it agen to try and get ‘control’. but really uare not in control here its ana, telling u to do these things.
i used to be the exact same, and i got so sick of the cycle i just stopped gradually, i was tired of feeling rubbish 24/7, plus bingeing and purging makes ur metbaolism slower, so u need to really stop.
the best way, and if u follow this it will help is to eat more during the day so u dont go for a binge at night, usually when u binge it means u are hungry. Also u need a lot of food inr ecovery, so some days ur goin to want to eat a lot, and u need to let urself, if u take a laxative after,. ur back to stage one, and ull end up bingeing again.
its not easy and it takes time, but it can be done, u need to be really strong.
u shud come on and write on this more , get ur meotions out, but dnt let them control you.
and u will see a difference, all the best x
kayla- i know that feeling, the t hinness gives u the sense of control as if u have achieved something, but really u havent. all u have done is make urself closer to death!
just try to look at it from a different viewpoint, your recovering, and ur doing so well, that is a huge achievemenet, but along the way u have reapired ur body a lot, and uve let urself enjoy some food! that is amazing, u havent let urself become a statistic ,to be one of the many anorexics who die. no u have reversed that, and yes u will feel bad some days, but dont let the emotions control you.
im sure u see urself as bigger than u really are, and dont be hard on how u look , buy things to flatter u, its a great exuse for shopping!
theres nothing to gain from losing weight, theres a woman on this site who through all the years of food control, has serious kidney problems now, and has to wait for a transplant!
would u not rather be healthy, and remembr ur at the LOWEST end of healthy, than stick thin and at risk for death?
i know where i stand on that arguement!
x
carrie- can i also say exercise, laxatives, bineging = serious metabolism slow down.
make it, eating every few hours with snacks + a little bit of very light exercise or none at all + eating when u feel urges and when u want to= fast metabolism. and a stable weight + stable emotions.
hey, just to say to everyone keep on staying strong to beat ana, i know i am trying really hard,
i hate it, ive had to do that since about September 
. And got really upset in school about the whole thing, but i talked to my mum and she told me to stay positive and look how far i have come, and then on wednesday and thursday i tried to stay as positive as i could and i got on so much better 
, i know i will still have down days 
but i will just need to take it as it comes.
for monday and tuesday of this week i got so upset, i still need to sit out in p.e and just watch everyone else play and have fun
I am still working on tackling “forbidden foods” it was a big step for me just trying a few bites of pizza, and maybe next time i will manage a few bites more.
I am managing to eat in the lunch hall twice a week at the moment and i got into a room, away from everyone with maybe just one friend the other days, and i know it is just a progress and i will then increase my days in the lunch hall
it makes me happy seeing how far i have come, but i know sometimes i do still get upset it i feel my legs are fat or i am greedy
, because i do sometimes feel like that, and i dont like when my clothes feel tighter on me, but everyone is saying just stay strong nicola, you are doing so well and you have lovely colour in your face now.
Now its just time until my periods come back..then hopefully i will be off this menu plan that consits of soo much :/ xxx
nicola- u are doing very well! be proud, and take each day as it comes. ur meal plan may feel like a lot but thats what ur body really needs, itrs crying for it, so dont deprive it. It will speed up ur metabolism, and ull get to a stage where ur weight will stabalise and remain there
i used to feel the same like all my clothes are getting tighter, but its actually partly ana, like if i ate a large meal id be like omg my clothes are all too tight, and they actually werent its just anas way to get u to eat less.
stay strong try some tasty foods u like, nice choccies and sweets and stuff and stick in some healthy thingsand u will be fine, its fabb u have ur mums support.
all the best , x
thanks aliyah yeah it is good my mum is there, but when i feel like i am feeling now, i cant talk to her.
I just feel regaining makes you feel fat, its scary now because i can actually feel my own body..if that makes sense
and if i say to my mum this way i know she cant understand
i think i am probably getting stressed because i am getting weighed tomorrow :O
and if i dont put on some, i ament allowed to go out with my friends this weekend :’(
i hate feeling this way
nicola- yes i know, its hard for people to understand how u feel of course, such as ur mum but u shud try ur best to talk as much as u can, and sometimes it helps to make u see that ur thinking is sometimes irrational.
fore example ages ago when i was really thin, i ate three little sweets and felt bad all day. my bf asked me whats up and i said ‘i ate loads of sweets’ and he went ‘ how many is loads?’ and i went 3. and then as i said i realised how ridiculus it is, how can 3 sweets make me fat? it cannot, and it never will, not even 30 sweets.
so just try to keep strong,and good luck on ur weigh in. i used to hate them, but just think the sooner u get ur weight REgained the sooner u wont have to do this.
and if u resort to any ana, it will hold u back and pro long this agony.
good luck! ull be alright dont worry x
hey
my weigh in wasnt great, i lost 0.4 kg
but the people at the clinic still allowed me to go out this weekend because they feel that i have done so well up to now, i so far have only had 2 drops since christmas.. and i am pretty proud of that, but they do want me to put on some next week.
but i feel alot happier i am much less isolated now in my friends and i used to never really talk to one of my friends alot and we were kinda akward around each other but it is much better now
and they have been saying that everyone has been saying how nice i look now 
but you always still do have ana thoughts :/, like last night
, but ive just been told to look on the positive side. I am still trying new foods and everything but am definetly getting there
keep going everyone xxx
nicola- ur doing really well love! ok u lost a little, but really what does that show u? it means the amount ur eating isnt enough to maintain ur current weight, so if ur ever feeling fat, this is evidence basically saying no ur not.
so yeah try to eat a bit more, small things really help, like an extra few bites at dinner and lunch, a few extra pieces of choccie, a biscuit with ur tea or whatever.
yes ur very positive, and thats good, u are getting there. actually i think ur doing amazing, i mean u can still feel confident with ur frends and try some new foods, thats really good.
i used to compltetly isolate myself and hardly see my frends. took me a long time to get some confidence back, but u seem to be doing really well, so dont let ana thoughts get u down. THEYRE LIESSS.
Nicola I am so happy for you!!!!! How was it hanging out with your friends again??? If Ana tries to take control of your thoughts again just remeber how isolated you were and how happy friends and a LIFE makes you!
Obviously if you lost weight, like aliyah said, you are not fat or eating enough. Ana tries to trick you into believing terrible things, like you are fat or ugly, to let the disorder back in your life.
I can relate. The thoughts are there constantly, you just get better and better at telling the voice to shut the f*** up!
hey, thanks for the advice,
and it was great to hang out with my friends again
one of my friends even changed her fb status to saying ” glad me my bestfriend is getting back to normal”
which made me really happy, and i felt accepted again
i know it will take time until i can be totally comfortable around food again and stop these thoughts but they are becoming less now
and yeah i do think back and see how isolated i was, i spent alot of time just in my room, couldnt go out at the weekend, and was barley ever there at school and i was even told i might need to go to hospital, then i would NEVER see my friends
but now i have got so much back and just going to the cinema at the weekend and being invited places makes me sooo thankful now xx
So the weekend is over, back to school again on Monday.
I have soooooooo much to do. This weekend alone I read 2 chapters and wrote 4 essays, all atleast 2 pages. During the week I still have atleast 1 midterm and 3 short essays left to worie. GRRRRRRRRR Sometimes I hate college. PLus, I have a job to worry about. Not all my time can be devoted to school. Gosh professors are so arogant and think all a student’s time is allocated to THEIR class, it’s not like we have lives, jobs, and other classes!!!! Teachers suck.
I love my mom she always knows what to say to calm me down, its just I dont always tell her when I have disorder thoughts or feel fat because I dont want to nag or bug her. She has problems too, and I dont want to burdern her with mine all the time, you know?
Sorry, I just needed to vent my frustrations because I have been under a lot of stress with work and school and planning classes fro the summer at a community college- way cheaper than to saty at my university and take summer school.
Does anyone else feel when times get very stressful and you just feel overwhemed and do not know what to do, the disorder starts to come back?????? Ana started really talking in my head lately and I just couldn’t shut her up for the last 3 days!!! I have eaten less, but thankfully have not starved completely or vomitted, although I came close.
Today I finally told my mom how trapped and stressed I felt and she really helped me see the situation will pass, I can do the work one assignment at a time, and I will have spring break starting on March 26th.
Anyways, I hope you guys had more fun weekends!!!! YAY spring break in 5 days!!!
Take care all!
hey mellisa- yea lots of work, and yes under stress its easy to turn to food, but thats what u need to NOT do, u need the food for energy , brain power!
if ur stressed i find the best thing to do is write a list of everything u need to do, then do them one by one, list all ur assinments and homework etc and tick them off, but at the same time next to each one write ‘brekfast, lunch dinner snacks’ and tick them off too.
u can do all ur work, and not let ana get to you. be strong and just think not long till ur spring break.
I too have tons of uni work and exams, but the one thing i have a lot of is food, it does help and keeps me going. And i sleep lots too
good luck just do ur best xx
at school. trying to hide this website.
im just really angry right now. my friends lied to me and like they’re the only thing keeping me eating. they lied to me then gave me a gift. i jsut found out. and i im going ot make myself throwup the food i just ate. never done it before. jeeze. thanks “friends”
woah. gagging yourself is intense. i got so into it. i can see my self being bulemic. that’s scary. i did it for like then minutes. nothing came out. idk why. ughh. im really lost. :[ someone walked in so i had to stop. i think they heard me. i’ll just say i was sick. but i came out half crying.
i want to go back into the bathroom but i think i cut up my thorat a lil with my findernails.
Jenn- calm down!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Breathe.
I know you are pissed and angry and HURTING INSIDE! But throwing up will NOT make that feeliongof betrayl and pain go away. You are throwing up to get back at your firends, but that does not make sense. The only one you are hurting is YOU! If you thorw up how does that hurt them or teach them a lesson? They will be just like oh you threw up becuase of me, ok I feel bad you did that but I cant do anything. I did the same thing, and my friend left me. Because I was a ‘freak, ‘ Buts she was an ignorant and selfish person, who had no idea the damage words can do.
Talk to your ‘friends’ about how you feel!!!! Tell them hey I know you lied, why did you do that??? Do NOT let them get away with that! They hurt you by lying to you and then you hurt you more by vomitting, that doesn’t make sense??!!!!! Stop helping them and confront them! Express your feelings and you will fill an emotional releease much stronger than throwing up EVER will!
Thanks for the advice aliyah! I made myself a calendar and assigned each day to specific homework. Like Monday is Child and Adolescent Development class day. I do my hw for all 3 my Cad classes today. Tomorrow is Latino Government essay and Ethnic studies hw day, after work that is. Bright side??? The work makes the week go by fast and I do not have time to spend anymore money, meaing extra money for spring break shoppiong!!!!
Hey girls.. I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I know I haven’t posted for a while, but I do read everything here.
Nicola, I know you haven’t really talked to me, but I just want to say I’m so proud of you. It’s so great you were able to hang out with friends again. That is a BIG step, keep it up darling.
Melissa, I think you’re doing an AWESOME job albeit all the things you have going on right now! It takes SOO much strength to not go back to your old behaviours, especially at a time when it’s so stressful. So happy to see you’re pulling through and going on,
. Keep it up!
Jenn, I had ONE night where I threw up, and I ended up crying in the shower, shaking. It is SO not worth it. Melissa’s advice is so solid. There is NOTHING throwing up will do but hurt you more. Go speak a piece of your mind to it. We all tend to keep our feelings inside, but you have to let them out. It’s all right to feel down here and there again, we’re all human… but you deserve to be happy. So smile, you’re beautiful.
jenn- dont throw up, i used to do it its a horrible cycle of negative emotions and a sense of rellief when u throw up but its horrible at the same time. u are damaging ur throat and it actually slows down ur metabolism. its not worthg it, whatever u eat keep it in, its ur medicine.
dont listen to ana, trust me i used to throw up 4/5 times a day, it gets worse over time, and it reallllly messes with ur emotions, dont do this to urself.and Melissa is right ur hurting urself, and damaging ur body.
Melissa- ooo cool thats a good idea, thats what i do too, i write down a list of things i need to do in a day and do it, and if i do it all i usually treat myself to something nice, like a bar of choccie or something im craving
u shud try something similar. and remember the food is going to help u achieve the work u have to do, give u energy and help u concentrate. without food i used to have a low attention span now its much better, which means more work done 
Today was sooooo much fun!!!!
I went to a talent show at school and watched 2 of myfriends perform and then we went out to Olive Garden for dinner to celebrate. I had coffee withou looking at the calories in the creamer and I had salad without looking at the calories in the dressing! Eventhough the calorie book was right infron of me!!!!! First time I have ever eaten at a restaurant with firiends and eaten a meal without looking at calories one time. It was my treat fro working so hard.
I even ate some of the’ forbidden’ crutons on my salad. I never used to eat them because they were “extra calories for no extra reason” I used to say. But hey they taste good. 
And here I thought I hated them, lol. Ana told lots of lies I never knew about until recovery.
Now back to my last assignment before I go to bed!!!!!
Bye all, remember a life with anorexia is no life at all.
Melisaa- YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH so so sooo proud of you, that is fab news and yes ana is a big lie! theres so many nice foods out there, we shud be eating them
glad u had a good nite, hope the rest of the week and everything goes just as wel..
be positive and smile
HI all,
This website is really a wonderful safenet to have. a place where we can all come and feel understood and welcome without judgement. Something I have felt in the past few weeks at school (still) I know I am good at my job. I am fairly easy going (normally) but now I question every move I make (in my head)
I have such anxiety attacks Sunday nights at the thoughts of just returning.
I worry about people looking at me and seeing “thin” or thinking is she losing.. will she leave work AGAIN. I try to make it possible for people to see me eat but that goes against my nature of every thing I have just learned in not people pleasing. I can feel the depression setting in. as my achillies is hurting and I can’t run for that positive coping skill.. However I do know and realize Ana is a time bomb and the clock is ticking every time I play her game.
This summer I am going to teach art/drawing lessons to kids. and hopefully get back into teaching karate maybe that will help..
oh well thanks for listening ..you guys are awesome..
Laurie
oops.. I meant safety net.. and .. I have felt “judged” at school.. sorry it’s early
Laurie
hey laurie,wish u all the best in recovery. it is achievable and its the best thing u will ever do
honestly the anxiety and way u monitor behaviour changes, so just keep eating reminding urself this is ur medicine and that u are saving urself from death
all the best x
-came back from toronto
-feel like shit
-ate constantly
-socialized, when no one knows what i was really thinking
-suicidal
-no one cares
-want to starve
-i dont contribute to anything
-if anyone cared, they wouldnt of let this happen to me
WHY THE FUCK AM I LIVING LIFE? IM USELESS
- the friend i told this about isnt answering my texts
- i want to try out for track. fear of: socializing with people i dont know, failure, being tired, eating more.
- i feel fat. i KNOW that im getting slightly fatter, and no, its not ana thoughts.
- its getting warm, and i dont know what to do about the scars on my arms. tryed oils, and rubs already.
- i want to run..for the pain
- discovered that my aunt suffered from low self esteem(not too sure if she had an ed though)
- muchh much much more shit floating around in my head, but i cant get it out.
- i want to call my friend really bad right now, but i dont want to seem clingy and im afraid that she’ll leave me.
- random : my mood ring is always black
- thinking too much
- i cant stand this
- i need some encouragement. i need some love. i need a solution. i need some love:(
ps: ilisa wanted me to tell you all that he dad is having kidney problems, so she wount be writing on here in a while. she’s really stressed:(
ps. i feel like i cant stop eating. even when im not hungrey, even when im STUFFED. my fear is coming true. they told me that wouldnt happen. they lied. why should i trust them anymore if they lied about this?
Hey Laurie- Feeling like your every move is being watched and everyone is judging is veryy difficult. But the only one judging you is Ana, that disorder voice in your head. My mom used to always tell me, “Melissa everybody has better things to do than sit and stare at you all day.” That helped me, after I got over the ‘what did you just say’ feeling. lol. She is right, people glance at you and naturally wonder how you are Laurie, but its only because they do not want you to leave again and want you to be healthy.
If you catch someone really staring at you and you feel akward about it, confront them. Ask why they are staring at you, maybe they want to talk to you but do not know how??? That was the case for me with one of my guy friends now. He wanted to tell me I looked thin and cute but did not know how to tell me, hahaha
Lastly, the best way to show people you wont leave again and are healthy is with time. As time goes on and you are still there, colleagues will see you are better and know you are there to stay. Waiting sucks but there’s not much else you can do, just keep going to work and school and do your best! You are your worst critic.
Hope that helped!!!!!!!
Aliza – Hun, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so shitty, but you’re doing so well. Listen to me, it WON’T be this way forever and you just have to stick it out.
Weight gain is inevitable in recovery, but you need to remember that you NEED to gain this weight ok? Your body needs to recover and to function properly it needs the weight. Your body is clever it knows what it needs to function best at, and despite what you think right now it WILL stop eventually.
As for feeling like you can’t stop eating, this is normal too. Your body needs the food and nutrition right now, and this is also what happens when binges occur. You WANT to stop and you FEEL full, but your body won’t let you because it needs the food.
I can completely understand how awful you feel because of the amount you’re eating, but you need to tell yourself that thses are ED thoughts. You musn’t listen to them, you’re better than that and you’ve come so far.
As for your friend, don’t assume that she doesn’t want to know or help you. Perhaps she has no credit, or her phone has ran out of battery. When did you tell her about your ED and stuff? If you told her reccently, she might not know how to respond to it, it’s hard to understand when you haven’t been through it. Don’t assume she’s given up on you, if she’s a god friend she’ll be there through thick and thin.
No one said recovery is easy. You’re going through some tough changes that are really hard to accept. But, as bad as you feel right now, consider how your life would be if you went back to your ED. It destroys your life. It will kill you. Try and remember the reasons why you wanted to recover.
We’re all here for you hun, don’t give up! It will get so much better, just hang in there.
*Hugs*
x x
aliza- ur body needs food, u need t udnerstand that it has been deprived so much it has to compensate, but this is just a period it will get better dont worry!
we all on this site have been thru it/ are going thru it, and u n=shud listen and trust us, i went thru a period in recovery of eating a lot of food, lots of snackin but its not a bad thing, my body needed it and now its at a healthy even weight, that is stable.