This is a special new area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia. I know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.
However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.
Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.
This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).
So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.
(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)
Here are a few things you may want to start out with:
- Do you get enough support from people around you?
- How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
- Have you found a food plan that works for you?
- How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
- Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
- How long have you been in recovery?
- What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?
PLEASE NOTE:
Due to the great success of this page, I have now created a new page on this site, to make the large comment/talk section a bit easier to manage. Please continue your discussion here.
(And another note: Any message on this page that seems even remotely like spam will be deleted. This is NOT a place to advertise.)
roses are red
violets are blue
sugar is sweet
and so are all of you!
see? anyone could of written that..
well, i got weighed today. and i managed to get 9 pounds in artificial weight. (last time i got 12). dont ask how i did it, but i have a very strong batter! at least im slowley decreasing. so, it looks like i gained 4.5 lbs and everyone was pleased…i feel like a liar.
a few days ago, i got diagnosed with depression. im suppposed to take walks alone in the sunlight, trry to act happy even when im not, and do things i enjoy. ive been doing all of this, and it hasnet changed yet. they say if it doesnt change then i might be put on medication. im tryng so hard.
im going skiing tomorow, and i really dont wanna go. at times i feel like im holding people back from having fun. but then seconds later i feel like no one cares about me. everyone has given up trying to talk to me. because they know that im just all gloomy. that makes me feel like no one really cares.
thanks
Aliza they do care! When I went out for the first time in ages, I seen lots of friends that I hadn’t seen or spoke to in a long time. Someone said to me, that I scared them into not talking to me. I mean they didnt know what to say. Many people dont know how to react, but the ones who really care about you will be there waiting for you.
… I really like the poem idea !!! x
How can one pair of eyes
produce so many tears.
I’ve never cried so much in all my years.
Just when i start to believe
i can be rid of this pain.
There it is. Sadness. I’m crying again.
They tell me its possible, have hope
I say its too much.
I cannot cope.
I sit here crying on my bed.
So many thoughts
running through my head.
The voices are all that keep me from my goal.
Yet i cant let them go.
They make me feel whole.
Even though i do my best to ignore them each day.
Its no use, there still there.
They wont go away.
They stole my personality, my intelligence, my shine.
But now i’m eating.
Everyone thinks i’m fine
It doesn’t matter how much weight I gain.
Nothing
will ever stop the rain.
I build a shelter. It falls down
the rain wont stop.
Am I goin to drown?
I really need to die.
Why do i need to be here? Why?
There’s no end to the pain.
Its driving me insane.
All i want is relief. But
I have to spare others the grief.
Why do they love me anyway? Or
is that what they need to say?
A long life is what scares me the most.
What’s the point now, i’m already a ghost.
Why did i give up? I was nearly there.
I could feel it, i was ready. No more despair.
As i lay cold weak tears running down my face.
She told me its OK. Nearly the end of the race.
I smiled. I knew what she meant.
I was so sad. Yet somehow content.
I had a choice. Heaven or a ward?
Heaven seemed easier but
some things have to be hard.
Noone could save me.
Only myself.
So i told her, there’s a reason
God gave me good health.
I’m not giving it to you anymore,
it belongs to me.
And then it was clear,
i could finally see.
Noone
only you wants me dead.
That’s why you forced
your way into my head.
I cannot give up. I cannot die.
I turned to Anorexia and said
Goodbye.
Those poems are amazing, so much talent! I especially love how you turned to Anna and said good bye. And I can soooooo relate to being on the brink of death and not wanting to DIE really, but wanting the pain to END. Now that I look back I am so glad I had that one percent doubt; that small voice in the back of my head that was barely a whisper saying, “I’m not sure if dying is right, I’m scared.” I would not be here today with out it.
How was everyone’s saturday? OMG!!!! Mine was sooooooo totally AWESOME! Ok first 3 of my friends from SF State and I went down to the Union Square mall in downtown SF- 100s of stores, no joke! We shopped and then got starbucks- I love starbucks soooo much, and then had lunch. 2 of my friends went to cheesecake factory while Jessica and I shopped more. Then we met them later and just sat with them on the cheeese cake factory balcony and watched the famous San Francisco Chinese New Year Parade. It was sooooo cool in the end. The tiger costumes and float, floats from hella businesses, streamers, dancers, and of course the many dragons costumes. So cool.
Next we went to a large fun center in San Francisco near Union Square and Westfield Mall. There we played on the park and went ICE SKATING!!!!!!!!! I have never went before, ok well my mom said I did at 3 but I do not recall it so I do not count that time. Ice skatting rocks, I only fell 4 times in 90 minutes!!!! And one time was cause this guy ran into me, ouchy! Yea, I have 2 large bruises but I dont care skatting was so fun. I was all scared to leave the wall, my security blanket, and then by the time I left I was skatting in the center of the rink. lol.
Today was sooooooo much fun! I could never of had this day with my friends with anna in my mind. It is times like today I remember why I fight against her painful and stubborn voice on those really challenging days where I just want to give up and die.
Best of luck and hugs to all!!!!!!
mellisa- that is sooo amazing!!! well done you, so proud and glad u feel so positive and happy about it. sounds like a lovely day, and really life is so much better isnt it, when ur not obsessing about food and ana and body?!
my saturday was lvoely thanks, had lunch with my bf then we went into town, looked at holidays, want to book one soon, and im so excited lots of nice and new foods to try!
stay posiitve and happy.
love the poems, stay strong everyone x
I had a great Saturday tooo ! Crazy nite out clubbing! I’m really starting to get my life back
!
.. I know its scary when you look back and think how far was I willing to go
I could be dead rite now! But I’m not!!!
Eligo la vida!! x
my saturday wasnt bad. but i had to go … socialize *gasp!*
i didnt like it.
and i have to go curling today. im wondering if i should tell my friends what had happened, so theyll understand what things i can and cant do, and i dont have to lie anymore. but i dont wanna be treated differently.
i need a day of rest, but people just pile stuff on and on me.
Kayla~ hablas espanol? Yo tambien! : )
The poems are wonderful guys. I was at retreat this weekend. I was helping out through my Church so kids can get confirmed. We had group discussions and the first question was who you were going to dedicate the retreat to. I said to my best friend who had anorexia (which equals all of you but its just a lot easier than explaining to everyone lol). there was this girl there who was kind of chunky and she said she went through anorexia when a guy jus used her. She said she got better though and that she loves her body SOOO much! I loved her right away. She was so beautiful just because she was so confident. I was so proud of her and I wish we can all be like that soon. She sat there with a bag of hershey kisses and she was just so cute : ) it was inspirational.
Si ! Hablo un poco Espanol !! pero no muy bien! aha !
I had the worst spanish teacher ever so i’m not very good! But I did manage to get an A !
xxx
hey guys! sorry i haven’t been on here in so long!
Nature-
Yes, I have a hard time telling therapists my problems too. I don’t know why, I’m just not comfortable with people viewing me differently. Thanks so much for the support
The poems are great and all the stories are so inspirational! You all should be so proud of yourselves.
a tiny girl named ana found me one day
a tiny girl, so innocent, so small
she talked to me,
told me her thoughts
i listened,
the brainwashing begain
ana found me
a tiny girl named ana found me one day
she found me and stayed
ana was persuasive,
she made sence to me
and i believed everything she told me
that i should be different,
ana found me
a tiny gorl named ana found me one day
her words pushed and pushed me
ana was my life now
she was all i needed and all i wanted
her comments drilled in my mind
like my determination to do what she comanded
ana found me
a tiny girl named ana found me one day
she grew since i last saw her
along with her athority over me
along with her power to twist my mind
ana slapped me with my own hand
and stole me away from friends,family, myself
ana found me
a tiny girl named ana found me one day
she was strong and filled with life
a life which she stole from me
i stood, frail, and disease to beg her,
‘why did you find me?’
ana replied,
‘you found me.’
She stuffs her feelings
with goodies and food
to feel complete
to feel good
only to lead herself to the bathroom
and shut the door
she holds a razor
above her wrists
to let the pain
flow out in red
a tear falls,
but its relief
from the millions shed before
she clutches the bottles
of drugs and vodka
its time for the end
a last goodbye
scribbled down beside her
a broken, tortured heart’s rest about to come
she empties the bottles
she awakes in a hospital
hooked up to buzzing machines
a sigh of regret
thankful for the 2cd chance at life
as she looks at her past
of what she’s done
Oh wow, I wasn’t on for a while. Sounds like everyone had a rather decent weekend! I LOVE the poems. Keep them coming if you have more,
.
hey, all. i dont really have anything to say besides that i feel pretty down. but ive been searching the web and went on a favorite web site, and theres a blog, that i think could help you guys. its on twloha, a site that helps depression, suicide, eating disorders, etc. im sure you guys all heard the ‘write love on her arms before.’
http://www.twloha.com/blog/dear-body-letter-inspired-by-1
Hi everyone! had a bad day yesterday! My mum told me to pack my stuff and get out yesterday! Shes sick of me becoz i’m always pretty miserable! n we started arguing because I complained that there’s been no fruit in the house for ages aha ! Anywae I ended up staying with my bf and didn’t eat anything all day
! I’ve had breakfast and lunch today but I really didn’t want to! I CANT FALL INTO THIS AGAIN !! x
hey kayla- come on now dear if u have a bad day that does not mean u take it out on food, and restrict it will solve NOTHING and will make u feel worse cause ur body is not getting any lovely nutrition.
Its easy to skip meals, but u need to set out a mental mealplan, where ur tick off meals, breakfast lunh and dinner, eat something even if u dont feel that hungry, ur body needs it
and i know food related issues that seem small, like no fruit in the house is a big deal , so try to buy some urself? and have things around u always like, tasty stuff, and vary it.
like when i go out, even just poppin to the shops i take some stuff in my bag like sweets or if theres a new chcolate out or something try it!
dont deprive ur body, stay strong, xxx
ookkkaaayy
so, my dad just asked me if i wanted to go to toronto with him and my aunt for 5 days.. and i dont know if i should go. i wouldnt be able to count calories, and id have to do alot of socializing, bc wed be staying with family. should i tough it out? and try and ignore depression. will i be able to go that long without counting calories? im so confused!
aliza- hey, i think u ahud think about it carefully. it could b potentially a nice fun experience with ur dad n ull get the chance to not count calories nd hopefully take sumthing positive from it
but if u think its too much too soon then leave it, cause u dnt want to feel much worse.
but it sounds gd, if it were me id go
Aliza- the trip to toronto sounds like lots of fun and a good distraction from depression. If there’s a prt of you that is really excited anj eager to go then go. However if there’s a bigger part tha’s scared say no. Although you can go but prepare mentally for the trip. Tell yourself you will be ok, look up the types of food common their, bring a foof log- whemever i feel nervous visually seeing the food I ate and that its not too much helps, bring a diary etc. But its all up to you, do what you feel deep down is right.
Kayla- boy that was really harsh of your mom to tell you to get out just becasue you have been sad. Its like you needed love and ahe gives you the boot. Remember that your mom’s problem is not your body’s problem. If she wants to be cruel and selsfish fine, you can go live with your bf and be happy WITHOUT her. Do not let her problems become yours. Maybe she just needs time to cool down?
I think what aliyah said about buying yourself some fruit and treats to keep around for times when there’s little, is a good plan. That way, you willnot feel stressed about not having anything healthy to eat, and you can feel even more independent and in control that way! At my house I make sure to buy some groceries, like fruit, veggies, and soups that Iknow will always be there just incase.
kayla, im so sorry about what happened with your mom. she’s probably really stressed, bc of all the drama around. just remember that she really loves you, and maybe sometime apart will do you good.
i feel soooo…jedic nuoiundcd! i dont know how to explain how i feel atm, i just know that its not good. im so tired and worn out. i just want to QUIT! STOP! grrrrr…
i listen to people complain about ‘ohh my knees hurt. ohh my parents are so unfair.’ i just think, wow, you really dont know pain, do you?
i must sound like a really mean person.
i feel like just rolling around on the floor, like the crazy person i am mummbling on and on. then i feel like smashing stuff, and yelling. then i feel like curling in a ball to die. i think im nutz
Thanks everyone! I’m back in my house and my eatings been fine. Although I haven’t spoke to my mum yet!
Now and again I do buy myself things I know I’ll eat! But sometimes I cant! Its like I’ll go into a food shop and look around and come back out with nothing!!
Aliza, your not mean! And loads of people have thoughts like that! When my weight was low, I screamed and smashed things ! I wanted to curl up and die! I thought I was going crazy! But now I can feel my life coming back! You just have to ignore the thoughts!
I’m hoping to get back to dancing next week. I know that’ll help me a lot! I love it soo much!
You should do something you used to love. Or try something new to help take your mind off things ! x
okay, someone just shoot me already.
its about fucking time!
Aliza, no one is going to shoot you. There is no reason to. I myself drive myself crazy when I’m stressed, but it’s only negative thoughts. Not real, okay?
I still have a lot of struggle with my depression issues, but I came to understand how I feel when I’m in a bad mood is not logical or rational. I hardly eat when I’m stressed, too, and that is also not good for me, either.
It’s been five years since I started having personal issues, and I still have a lot to learn. It takes time, do not give up. Some days it seems like it ever won’t go away, but it will, I promise you. You just have to keep hanging on. I know it’s hard. It’s been hard for me. In five days’ time, it’ll be the day I chose death over Life. I was HORRIBLY depressed, but nonetheless, it was a VERY foolish thing to do, and I get anxiety attacks just thinking that that day is coming by. But you know what? It’s nothing to be afraid of. I should be happy that I was able to live for a year after such an incident. Not everyone does. Not everyone recovers from EDs. We’re lucky to be alive, Aliza. As long as you are still here, today, you ARE trying. You ARE strong for being here because Life IS harder than death. Life is difficult, but it is beautiful.
Hang on, xo.
im not lucky to be alive! id be lucky if someone ran over me with a truck! im being tourtured by myself! i dont want to do this anymore. i cant hang on anymore. i really want to die. ive been stashing pills and thinking of ways to kill myself. nature, i know that this is really hard to hear, but i just can take it anymore. i feel like im screaming out to the world for help, and they try, but nothing works, and then everyone gives up. i feel like veryone is against me, everyone deep down really hates me for all of this hit ive caused. im just taking up space on this earth, breathing other peoples air, eating other peoples food.
but sometimes, i feel like i dont want to die. but i just cant bring it out.i need it to grow, i cant find it!
i feel soooooo bad! ive been doing everything and nothings working. and i told my friend that i was going to stop bothering her all the time, and im finding i really hard not to call her or talk to her, because i realllllyyy want to. i need help and nothings working!
ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!:(
i cant do anything im so useless
im sorry for bothering you all! i should stop writing on here because i just making this site worse!!
aliza- dont stop writing on the site, we all love you! and want to help and support you so dont feel like that
u do not need to die! aliza hun u need to make life what u want it to be, u have to be positive and turn it around, and not let it beat u down so much.
who is there u can talk to physically?
now? my moms here, but i dont really want to talk to her. im not very open with my parents. the only people that i truely feel comftorble with is my friend, and my counsler, which im really trying not to talk to because im just making their life worse.
i just read an article on low seritoin levels, and i have the symptoms of severly low. i dont know what to do. i cant do this. its too hard. i have no one i can talk to. i cant talk to anyone because im just bothering them. i feel like everyone i talk to thinks i just want attention. i know im making their life worse!
aliza- did ur frend actually say, u were making her life worse?
also, low serotonin = depression.
certain foods can raise serotonin, such as nuts , bananas etc.
also if ur mood is severely low can u get antidepressants from doctor?
x
first, he said to just get sunshine, take walks, socialize, ect. but its not working whatsoever.
and, i know my friend is sick of me. she has to be. ive been bugging her for so long
Aliza, I’ve been there many times. Trust me, I know. I had clinical depression and depression for nearly five years now.
I dropped out of school. I just laid in my bed all day, miserable. I didn’t talk to anybody. I didn’t eat. I’d roam around my city if I couldn’t stand my house. I berated myself 24/7. I felt absolutely tired, disgusted, drained out. Numb. Empty. Like a throb going through my entire body. Aching. Emotionally? Physically? I don’t know.
Where am I now? Somewhat better, but lots of emotional scars and wounds to heal. Low self esteem, low self worth, low self love. I hated myself for such a long time, I don’t even know who I am anymore!
I did all the things my therapists told me to do, too. I wrote things down that I “liked” about myself. I couldn’t see it or believe it. I walked outside into the sunshine, everything seemed so washed out and pale. I had a storm inside of me. I couldn’t socialize either. I didn’t feel like I was worthy of having fun. I forbid myself from enjoying things and doing enjoyable things. I took medication, that didn’t work. Everything seemed so hopeless!
But through time, I was able to slowly feel better. I slowly stopped berating myself. I began to eat. I slipped here and there, of course, but that’s okay. Everyone does. It takes a lot of time, hun. It’s been almost a year in recovery for me, and I moved just an iny tiny bit! But that’s okay, I have lots more time to get better. I have to work on loving myself and feeling worthy. I have to work on feeling happy. I have to work on eating better, etc. etc. But I want to live. I don’t want to be living dead inside like I was when I was depressed.
Depression hurts, and it robs you from the people you care about, but most of all, it robs you from yourself. You can get this all back, hun. Life is where you left it.
Take care, xo.
Hey everyone,
I had a quick question, im recovering from anorexia and i have been putting on weight however my knees still are super boney…. did anyone here have issues with their weight distribution afterwards and does it ever even out again and go back to normal ? if it does how long did it take . Im getting frustrated and trying not to be discouraged!
hey heather, dont be discouraged!! this is completely normal, and i went thru the exaxt same, every ed patient will hun.
but stay strong and be proud of how far u have come!!!
It will take time, depends on ur body though anythinh from 6 months to a year but honesntly the best thing t do it keep eating and let ur body trust u and it mite speed up.
it will eventually spread and even out and ull feel better
try to wear clothes that flatter where u have regained some weight
Aliza~ I know what you mean. It feels like all i ever used to talk to my boyfriend about was food. How i felt, what I ate, what I couldn’t eat… it had to piss him off. I felt like such a loser. My moods would swing so drastically. I am happier now, though, and it only gets better with time. If i put my e-mail address on here, would you contact me? Im planning on getting a new e-mail for going to college in a few months anyway, and i think its worth it for you, and for me. You can ALL always be sure that I will never be annoyed with you no matter what you say, it will only help all of us. Im scared that this site will stop working again like it does sometimes. Do you think its Ok to put an email on here? I say its worth a try.
ilsa- put ur email up yeah
ive given mine away so dont worry.
stay strong girls.and honestly trust me when i say this but not eating enough = obsessive thoughts because ur brain is starved.
it DOES go away.
x
i think its a good idea if we exchanged email addresses. i hope we can help each other, (i know i need help). thank you soo much for offering! i think its a good idea. whats your email?
I gave out my address before as well. If anybody wants it, it’s fluffy235_181elf@hotmail.com.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
mine is:
pajamas_2@hotmail.com
i know its really dorky, i made it when i was littler : ) thats an underscore btw.
yay:)
okay, dont be mad, or dissapointed, but i wasnt too sure about this site..so i used one of my middle names..thats why it doesnt match my email
leahbennett15@hotmail.com
i hope you guys dont think that i dont trust you because i totally do, its just that i was really nervous the first time i wrote on here..
okay..so i talked to my counsler today, and she says that im doing alot better, but i feel worse and worse each day.. she told me that i should tell my parents about the cutting, asap,,
i dont really want to, i havent even told my friends (well there is really only one friend who i talk to bout this stuff), or my doctor.
ps. i think im gonna ask my parents for a puppy, even though i already have a dog, shes getting old. i read that puppies help with depression..
pss. i think your email’s cute:)
ooopps, sorry.
thats supposed to be
leahbennett14@hotmail.com
Lol, looks like we all made our emails when we were young! Mine is almost 7 years old!!!! Haha.
why would we ever be mad at you for using a middle name? My name is naomi. Ilisa is a take off the spanish word, “ilesa” which means safe and sound and unharmed. I want to name a kid that one day and show her how much the name means to me and how all of you helped me through this. You can all still can me ilisa if you want. I like it : ) Im going to keep using it to avoid confusion. leah’s a good name <3
btw i definately think fluffy wins. : D
fluffy is a pretty awesome name. leah means ‘tired and weary’….it suits me.
you can call me what ever you want, but ill keep using aliza to avoid confusion too.
i miss the old me sooo much today. i just wish i could go back to her and let her in, without feeling guilt or shame. im struggling to find her, but i know she’s there. she can help me.
ive been reading about depression, and about the cycling thoughts in my head. i fit the description to a T!! its crazy, they actually have quotes that ive used and said. like ‘i want out’ i wish my mind would shut up’ stuff like that..creepy
Well, my email address comes from me liking fluffy things as a child, but my real name is Eileen. I want to name my future daughter (if I have one) Nature or Dawn and her middle name Nature.
I definitely understand the depression and all that jazz that comes along with it. I felt that way many times, and I still do sometimes. It gets better, though. Happiness is all around you, you just have to allow yourself to embrace it.
Love,
Nature.
hey,
well. im supposed to be studying for a test tomorow, but i cant concentrate! concentration hasnt been one of the symptoms that has really affected me up until this point. ive actually used homework to distract me from myself. now im distracted from homework when i have to do it.
i really have to get to work! but my mind keeps wandering…
question- how do you deal with people that ask you, ‘were you sick?’ or say ‘ youve lost so much weight!’??
ive been getting those , and i just ignore them:S
I don’t know, I’ve ignored them as well. It’s not important, people shouldn’t be so nosy. If they keep insisting, I’d probably tell them I’m going through lots of stress, and would appreciate some room.
aliza- its up to you i guess, i just used to say ive been very stressed and had a lot of work and lost weight but im getting better now. but yeh the need some room thing is good , natures advice is good.
but remember dont close urself away from people, u need to see amounts other people r eating and make sure u get enough.
ur doing brill
xx
I have not been on here in a realllllly long time. i have missed you all and been thinking of you girls. Life has been just been busy with school and work. I have been writting multiple essays a week and feeling overwhelmed.
My period still has not started but I get all the symptoms, even the emotional mood swings. I was very depressed and sad fo no reason last week. I would just be siiting in front of my computer writing an essay or playing Fishdom on yahoo and I would break down and cry, uncontrolably. It was really hard to focus on school, and I was sick with a bad cough/cold making everything WORSE!!!!!! I am REALLY getting mad at my body!!!!! I HATE waiting for anything and am freaking pissed my body is taking forever to repair itself. I have been not thrrowing up since december 29th 2009, its been almost 3 months!!!!!! ARGGGHHH waiting sucks butt!
Anyways, I see you have been exchanging emails and I think that’s a wonderful idea. In case anyone wants mine it is: melbewitched@yahoo.com
Have a great night all!!!!!!!!!!