This is a special new area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia. I know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.
However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.
Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.
This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).
So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.
(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)
Here are a few things you may want to start out with:
- Do you get enough support from people around you?
- How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
- Have you found a food plan that works for you?
- How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
- Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
- How long have you been in recovery?
- What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?
PLEASE NOTE:
Due to the great success of this page, I have now created a new page on this site, to make the large comment/talk section a bit easier to manage. Please continue your discussion here.
(And another note: Any message on this page that seems even remotely like spam will be deleted. This is NOT a place to advertise.)
Nature,
good for you for getting a tattoo next year.. it will give you plenty of time to think about it.. not impulsive. a hummingbird is perfect .. make sure it has nice bright colors that shine just like you do!!
Aliza I can relate to everything yoiu are saying it is like reliving the last 4 years and my heart bleeds for you .. but it will get better.. just dont give up.. I know it is very easy for me to say .. but you are talking to a person who has been hospitalzied twice.. three day programs and evening programs .. to beat this.. and there were many times I wanted to give up.. you have almost all of the same likes that I have .. running, drawing .. all good things .. when we can do them (running ) for the right purpose.
I remember when running changed from running for Laurie to running for ED.. then it wasn’t so fun anymore.. and Nature is right you will be a different person ..better stronger .. just give it time..
hang in there
Laurie
Hi guys !
Aliza dear stay strong. you are not alone!
… Lifehouse everything! A beautiul drama performance that brought tears to my eyes! Please watch it, even if you are not religous, i’m sure it will inspire!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVJqRLU3J0I&feature=related
ly all !! mwahh x
thank you all so much!! your words and thoughts mean so much to me. kayla, that vidoe was amazing! i watched it over and over again, and cried every single time. i feel like i was watching about myself, just up to a certian point tho.. because im still not there yet.
nature, the tatoo sound beautiful, i wish i could get one. most of my scars healed, but there are still alot visible. mostly on my arms. i dont know how to cover them. spring is coming up, and i dont know what im going to do. but im going to the counsler on tuesday, and im telling her EVERYTHING!
my friend couldnt come over today, whitch is prop better b/c all i did today was cry. i thought the last few days were hard, but today was really bad.
my mom tryed to give me a hug today and i really wanted to just fall into her arms, but i shyed away, and i dont know why, i feel so closed off.
i have so much on my mind right now, and i started writing this with alot of stuff that i wanted to share with you all, and i had questions. but im just so tired, im so broken, and my hands are shaking so much, i dont think i can physically write anymore.
tomorrow ill try this over again, and tell you whats on my mind.
thank youthankyouthankyou.<3xoxo
ok, i have one question that i really have no idea on. i have strech marks.! how can i be as skinny as everyone says i am and still have strech marks?
Aliza, strech marks are caused by skin either being stressed. When one gains or LOOSES a lot of weight quickly the mark appear to show the strain your skin has went through. Do not panic I have them under my arm and I don’t think that makes me fat. my bmi is 19.1 so I know I’m not fat. But I do not like them at all, believe me.
Aliza, I have stretch marks on my thighs, and yes, I find them unattractive, but I just can’t care anymore! There are creams out there that help to reduce the appearance of them, though. I might go look into that one day as odd as it seems for someone my age to go buy one! Whenever I think of stretch marks, I picture pregnant women, but there is nothing wrong with having stretchmarks! Lots of girls do.
Hello everyone!
I just have this one issue/ question that I have been struggling with for a while. I have been anorexic and bulimic sort of on and off since I was 13. In Feb. 2009 I tried recovery and didnt purge at all or restrict much until June. In june I started to slip, I purdged some of my meals up once a week or once every 12 days. Then in college, September 2009, the anorexia and bulimia really flared back up. Im saying this because Since December 29 2009 I have not vomitted at all and am at a healthy bmi of 19.1 or 19.2, so WHY HAVE I NOT GOTTEN MY PERIOD BACK??????!!!!!!!!! Iam so frustrated!!!! I feel my body is bloated and hard in the period area and I get periodic cramps. Also, I had bowel movement irregularities for 3 weeks- FUCK that was sooooooo hard not too barf as my stomach felt SOOOOOOO bad. But i did it.
All of these are symptoms of a period starting back up my mom said, that and one more symptom that happens that I dont really want to type online because its personal and kinda gross. So, Why have I not gotten it back? How long will it take? please help!
melissa- ur period will come back
im still waiting on mine! it will take a long time, and it depends one each persons body, but it will come back, because ur eating right now. Its just a case of our bodies trusting us and being healthy enough to give us a period.
theres lotsof foods that help with this such as figs, organges, lots of water, and fruit. So when u have it, eat that sort of food , shud help.
well done on not barfing even though you had bowel problems!! thats amazing, u shud be very proud
Aliza- hope u are feeling better today and are smiling. all here for you, and uno i used to find it hard to hug my mum. Its because in ana u close urself away from everyone and dont want anyone near u.
be brave and give her a hug, your not alone
Hi Everyonee !!
Aliyah, i took your advice and listened to my body and gave into the urges !! And Guess what !
! I guess thats why I’ve been feeling constantly hungry!
I got my period yesterdayy
And I had stretch marks on my thighs as well, but their gone now?
Its all good!
Ly All x
heyx
First time ive came on this but reading all your comments and seeing that im not the only one helps
I’m not long out of hospital, I was in hospital for about 6 months
I hated it but it was what I needed, it showed me that at my age thats not where I should be, before my life was great and because of ana everything disappeared!
Now that Im out ive just reached my healthy weight, my moods better and I can see everything coming back, slowly, but my lifes gettiing back to normal
xx
Kerry – you are doing really well =) Well done for fighting against ana!
Everyone on here is really lovely and supportive, they’ve all helped me a lot =)
x x
kerry- Im sooo hppy for you!! soo glad u beat this awful disease and are well on ur path to recovery and a normal relatonship with food!!
you saved ur life, and now you are not restricted by the demands of ana
i feel really bad today. the further along i get the fatter and fatter i feel. im having really strong urges to cut and to purge… i know that that wont do me any good. i just ate a 450 calorie supper, when i was expecting around 350. it scared me, and i couldnt enjoy it. my father tryed to sneak more food onto my plate, and i was so angrey that i made a big deal about scraping it off.
while im typing this up, im looking at my hands and i find them really fat and chubby. everywhere i look is fat now. and i dont know why a few weeks ago i decided that i was too skinny.
i cant cry now, because im going curling (this is not a stereotype, just bc im from canada) with my mom and i dont want to show her im in pain.
im going to the counsler 1st thing tomorrow. im so happy that im getting help and hopefully she’ll give me some advice, bc im really in need of it atm.
i want to cry so bad. i find myself thinking in my head, that i should escape now, and leave beofre i burst out in tears. i cant help myself anymore. i feel like im going backwards. im so scared to eat. im scared to talk, and the littlest things set me off. i have so many projects due, but im gonna have to try my hardest to concentrate.
all i can thinnk now is ,’i hate myself. your fat. your not a fighter.’ so its really hard for me to believe ppl when they say, ‘i love you. your beautiful, and you can beat this.’
i dont want to do these activities that i used to do. but i have to or people will think ive changed. im scared what the counsler will say about me. its coming up so close, and i dont want to think about what im going to say, i just want it to flow out. but all i can think about is whats going to happen to me afterwards.
im sorry, im straight from one topic to the next, so bluntly. but i just need to get my feeling out before i start to cry. and here comes the tears, so im sorry. ill tell you about my visit to the counsler tomorrow. im so scared..<3xxoo
aliza- what u see is the not the real you, our minds get distorted when we have ana, and it only goes away as u get better.
just remember feelings are not facts, so focus on getting better and being a fighter, which u are.
u r not fat in any way whatsoever, and one day u will see that dont worry.
i know it sounds weird but as u do eat more, ur mind will start to see the real you, you;ll see ur body for what it is.
good luck at the councelers, and just remember feelings are not facts xx
i went to the counslers today. she told me that shell try and help me through this..
but after everything that she told me, then i just couldnt believe it. she talked about staying strong, and how ill get better, but i feel like nnothing can ever help me. every compliment that someone tells me i think the oppostite. “beautiful ” – “ugly”, “fighter” – “you give up easily” i cant bring myself to believe that i can contribute to this world. i feel that all i do is take take take. i feel like im at the end, and no one can help me, ive hit rock bottom. i dont want to do this anymore. all those inspirational thoughts that you all tell me, i read them. but i can bring myself to believe them.. im sorry.
im letting everyone down.
ive screwed up my life so bad, i dont feel like i can repair it now.
aliza- ur not letting anyone down. we all have been where u are, and if u look at us now, we all got thru it and so will you.
The crucial thing though is tht u have to want to get better. do u want to live a life of ed, full of sdness, and problems and obsessions with food, hurting ur family? or do u want to regain back ur weight and gain back ur life, and get in control again.
recovery is not esy and it never iwll be, u have to fight to get there, but its completely possible.
I wud recommend u read some recovery books, its very uplifting and inspiring and will show u the thick and thin of recovery.
all the best aliza xx
i dont want to go back to the way i was. i really dont. i want to be strong, but i cant find it. everyone tells me to find a light in darkness, but i cant even find an ash, or ember, or any proof that there was ever a flame.
my life is falling apart. i feel horrible allll the time. like total shit, bc im bothering all of you, and my friend, and i was so upset withmyself today bc i felt i was bothering the counsler. i dont understand how anyone could come to love me or care for me whatsoever. if i cant love myself, how can i love someone else. it will just turn to envy. i try to socialize but i cant anymore. my motivation and will is deteriorating.
i feel like evryone is regreting trying to help me, like after i told them that i need help, and once they tryed to help me, then they just dont care anymore. the have their own lives and i shouldnt hold them back.
im going to die alone, unloved, and unhappy, i feel that even though ive been told a million times that im not alone, im loved, and i will become happier. how come i cant believe you all, and everyone else. i really want to…
Aliza hunny, my heart breaks for you,
.
I know how hard this is. You might believe me, but can’t believe that somebody is there to understand even if you want to, but that is okay. I myself have felt that way…. I understood some people really did want to help me and understood me, but I wasn’t able to bring myself to believe and understand that there were such good people for me that was so kind to me… I couldn’t believe that because I, like you, thought of myself as undeserving and horrible.
Aliza, you do NOT take from this world. The only place you are taking away from is yourself, and it’s hurting you. I know it’s really hard when you feel undeserving, but you have to know that you deserve as much as everyone else. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live, and you deserve to smile.
And you know, even after I’ve had enough of my depression and ED and got rid of it, it still is hard. It’s always trying to nag at you and begging you to come back to it. And although that nagging is getting less and less each day for me, I still have so much to work on emotionally. I have TERRIBLE self esteem and A LOT of abandonment issues. I have a very hard time trusting people. But now I came to understand that that is okay. This journey is mine, and I will take it day by day and put effort each day so I WILL reach the “better place” in my OWN time and pace. Everybody’s journey is different, and you will get there, no matter what, as long as you do keep trying. So do not give up… there is an end to this storm and darkness.
I couldn’t understand why anyone would love me either when I’ve done so much horrible things. I didn’t love myself, I hated life, and I didn’t know where to go, but I got through that phase. I had to, I had nowhere to go. It was either Death or Life, and at one point, I stupidly chose death, and I got saved by the ER crew. Life gave me another chance. I’m thankful because if that didn’t happen, I’d have died miserably. And it wasn’t only Life that gave me another chance. My boyfriend did, too, and from that day onward, I have tried my best. Yes, I slipped a lot back into my destructive behaviours, and sometimes, I just wanted to end it all. When I wanted to end it all, I cried… I cried because I couldn’t put my boyfriend through that again. That thought was unbearable. Love will always find a way to your heart Aliza, it’s something that comes to you… whether it be for a significant other, friends, or family.
What I’m trying to say is, there is always, ALWAYS somebody there for you. Somebody WILL miss you and cry for you when you’re gone. Somebody LOVES you with all their heart, and they will be devastated if they lost you.
You have NOT hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is death. You are still here, FIGHTING. You are SO strong to still be here. Your body hasn’t given up on you. Life hasn’t given up on you. We haven’t given up on you.
So smile, because you’re beautiful. Smile, because there is always tomorrow. Smile, because one day, it will get better.
You’re beautiful.
aliza- its hard to believe, i used to be the same. i used to think well just cause u recovered it doesnt mean i am.
like i said before u shud read a few recovery books, u can buy themr eally cheap on amazon.
Your not gna die alone and with no one, u have all us guys and ur famiyl loves you.
you gotta work to get rid of the thoughts, when u have a negative one, think of a positive memory.
and keep eating because u need to fuel ur body and ur mind, and things will get better
i know one day ur gna say , i feel so much better now.
i have faith in you
take each day as it comes, and try to make it as positive as you can. There are people in the world aliza, who are suffering, dying of starvation, orphaned, alone. Yet they still get thru life and can smile.
Mind is strongeer than the body, if u really work for something, you WILL get it.
x
im trying to socialize myself, but im scared to talk to people because i feel like one second later, ill just push them away. the friends that i had realized that i would always shoot them down whenthey asked me to do stuff, so they just stoppe bothering. they stopped caring. they gave me what i wanted, i wanted to be left alone. but does that mean that they were never really my friends, if they were willing to leave me…
im feeling so unloved. i want to believe in people when they tell me that they love and care about me. i want to so bad.
im scared of buying recovery books. what will people think of me buying those things, what if someone finds it?
i hung up a bunch of paintings that i painted a few years ago, they’re all of these inspirational things, and everyone tells me how good they are. i thought that theyd make me feel better, but everytime i look at them, i think that they’re ugly, just like the person who created them.
you guys are all so strong. you bet this. you\re fighters. im not a fighter. i feel like i want to go to sleep and never wake.
everything in my life is so twisted, and im just waiting for someone to come to me and tell me that im right, that i wont get better.
im sure you guys all feel like im just writing the same thing over and over again, and are wishing id just shut up, so im sorry. and im sorry bc your just going to say that your here for me andyoull support me, and im sorry for not believeing you, i wish i could.
I JUST WANT TO BELIEVE YOU ALL! I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL, I WANT TO STOP THINKING ALL THESE THINGS.
why cant i do it…
my
life
is
fucked
Aliza, recovery takes time. You cannot stop feeling shitty overnight in most cases, and I felt shitty for feeling shitty, too!
But what’s important is that you ARE still here, and that means you are still fighting. It takes A LOT of courage and strength to do this, and you haven’t given up yet! You have to give yourself credit for that. If you can’t believe us right now, that is okay. You have to forgive yourself for that. It is only the illness that is telling you that you can’t believe anybody. It is only the illness that hurt you to the point that you can’t believe good things are out there for you. You WILL heal, but you must forgive yourself for making some mistakes and let go of the past.
This is really hard, and I understand. Your life is not fucked. You have lots of years ahead of you, and you can work towards creating a better, happier future for yourself. You have to really want it. You must say NO to the negative thoughts, and instead of punishing yourself, try praising and treating yourself because you deserve that. You deserve love, happiness, and peace. If you can’t let yourself do that, let others into your life. Let others try and make yourself feel good.
Are you close to one of your friends or family members? Just try and talk to them. Apologize for pushing them away… I’ve done that to lots of people in my life, and tell them you need their help… genuinely. The people who care about you will always be there for you because they love you.
Keep your chin up. There is always somebody there for you, xoxo.
aliza- no one thinks ur just saying these things. we all want to help, but u have to help urself.
if u dnt wanna buy recovery books then have a look around on the internet for recvery sites, theres a few ive came across before.
You need to challenge urself, u have to push urself to get out of this, if u dont, your going to end up being forcefed in a hospital and u do not want that, so push urself eat and give it some time. this phase wil pass, and u are strong, because u have gotten urself this far !
xx
iv been in recovery actually tring to recover for the last 2 months
although i did everything in my power to try and go do inpatient for the last 7 yrs but because lack of money i couldnt get any help
i relapsed bad after seeing the man that molested me on oct 3 of 2009 im just now strting to eat but i have to smoke pot in order for me to eat otherwise i wont eat at all and right now i see myself has huge but my therepist stills say im liilte
god im so sorry to hear about ur story, its so sad. That man deserves to be in jail and i hope u can move on in time.
ur very strong, and i know u can pull thru and recover. Believe me its the best choice, and ur not gaining weight, u are just REgaining some weight.
u are defionetly not fat, when u dont eat enough, ur mind gets starved and this means u dont see urself for who u really are, u see a distortion and as u start to eat and get better u will see the real u, and u will see its not fat!
and in fact u need ALOT of food just to put on a pound, u may think a wee bit extra food will make u huge but its just not true. ur body stabalises .
all the best xx
hey everyone.
i guess im doing better in some areas, and worse in others. my body image is way down. i dont think ive ever felt so ugly before, i really dont want to put on weight.
my digestive track is messed up, and im getting alot of headaches and stomach aches, and im feeling so worn down. ive increased my calories even further and so far ive gained 5 lbs since i started eating again. i feel like im gaining it in fat.
i can socialize a bit. manage a smile, even laugh now and again. but i know that everythings going to come right back again. and i hate letting people down like this, they think,’oh yay shes back’ but im just gonna be the depressed weiredo in a matter of minutes.
i dont know if im doing worse or better. but all i know is that there is room for improvement.
my gym teacher told us all that we were going to start working reeeaaallllly hard in the next section. and that scares me. i dont want to start back into obsessive excersise, but i dont want to be scared of excersise.
i feel like there are a million different point of views in my head at once.
if i can destract myself with homework, it works for a little bit, before i get distravted from my homework. i entered in a course late and i really have to catch up.
and i feel bad complaining because i know that there are people suffering more than me out there.
aliza-hun ur doing amazing!! its soo good uve REgained back some weight, which trust me wont be notiveable. Women can flunatuate that much in a day
watever keeps u distracted is great, if its homework, then just focus on it.
the socialising bit is great aliza,! even if its jus a smile and a bit of chat with people, it makes a difference to them, and its not so bad is it?
being with others helps, makes u see its not all so bad, u have people there for u, and ur not alone.
just take each day as it goes, and intime u will get even beter.
Ur not feeling AS bad as u did before r u? since ur managing a bit more food and a bit of soclisation?
the headaches and digestive problems will go int ime, this is a period where ur body needs to learn to trust u, so be good to it and treat urself to tasty food, stuff u enjoy
Sara your story is so sad
, Listen to Aliyah, she knows a lot 
! x
Aliza your doin well, you should give yourself more credit :* ! .. I was kinda worried about exercise as well, becoz that was a big problem for me. But, I went a short run the other day with a friend
and took it easy. I made sure I was running for myself and not ana.If your going to be working reallyy hard in gym then maybe you should wait until your weights up a bit more, but if you think it is managable, I think you should do it, as long as you do it for yourself and enjoy it. BUT YOU NEED TO KEEP EATING.
xx
ok. this isnt right. i was feeling fine earlier today. i have the comment above to prove it. now, total turn around. now, i feel like i was my anorexia back, i know shes evil and dirty and bad. but why am i feeling this now? why does everything flip around like this?
ok, now i feel semi-good. this is weird. but who knws. in a few minutes im gonna feel horrible again. wow, i just realized that i have no life
aliza- its called mood swings, severe mood swings, and its because ur in recovery and ur in two mins. part of u wants to get better and eat and move on, but part of u is scared and ur just switching between the two.
u need to get the i want to really move on and get better side stronger and stronger and it will lessen.
keep eating hun, and stay motivated, remember why ur doing this! ur saving urself from death, its not just about food.
smile, xxx
ok…
i just was going to have breakfast and i ate alot last night and i usually dont have a big breakfast and i save all my calories to the end of the day because i dont know what im having for supper, so at the end of the day i eat alot and throughout the day i dont eat very much..
i think i told you that already
buttt, i was getting my breakfast and my dad saw what i was eating and he yelled and screamed at me. he called me inconsiderate and selfish and rude. i dont want to deal with this.
i thought i couldnt feel any worse about myself..
and now im sooo scared because i just ate like a 300 calorie breakfast. and i know hes gonna be watching me like a hawk now…
question- did you guys measure your food when you were in recovery? if you didnt how did you know that you were getting enough.? im scared of preparing my food around others because i dont want them to see me measuring it.
aliza- this is a phase in recovery where u like to exactly how much u eat, and measure everything and its a phase that pases.
The best thing to do is just eat till ur comfortable and every few hours. Thats how u know its enough.
never ever be hungry and never go for more than 4 hours without food even just a little snack.
why was ur dad mad? cause he thought it was too little?
i know it may seem scary but u need to try not restrict during the day and eat more, its only going to help you xx
Aliza, I measured food constantly when I had my ED, and I would freak when I didn’t exactly know how much I put out or whatever.
Once I started recovery, though, I didn’t allow myself to use a measuring cup or read calories from labels. Aliyah is right, you must eat at least every 4 hours, even if it’s a small amount. It will help you tremendously because then your body will get used to having food at the right time during the day and night.
Do you know why your dad yelled at you? Could you talk to him about it???
Hey Aliza- First off severe mood swings are the hardest part of recovery, that and just waiting for your body to fix its digestive system and balance out. I HATED waiting, it sucks sooooo bad when you know there’s nothing you can do to speed up the recovery process. I can be pretty inpatient, lol. My period is showing signs of coming back now and one of those signs is severe mood swings, one minute I will be all social and happy tand 3 minutes later I can be all down in the dumps and miserable for no reason at all. So I can relate to how hard mood swings are to cope with, but we have to cope with them to live for ourselves and our families that love us.
Maybe try a heart to heart talk one day, so your dad can better understand you and what goes on in your mind when he yells at you to try and ‘help’ you?
Secondly, my dad was also not the nicest person as I was recovering. When he first learned I was throwing up he called me an ‘inconsiderate and selfish bitch” and I am “ruining the family” “the reason for his marraige problems” and I needed to “get the fuck over myself”. So I get how terrible he makes you feel, and how you just want to get back and hurt yourself. But that wont help ANYONE, only hurt you and him and those who love you more. My dad also commented on all my food and gave ‘suggestions’ on what I should be eating and the amount. It fuckin stunk. I told my therapist about it and she said he’s just really terrified of losing me and will do anything it takes to keep me in his life. And becasue men cannot express emotions as well as women, they show love and care through yelling and being over protective. Again, its frustrating as hell, but your relationship will improve. Mine did.
Lastly, I measured food alot. Especially milk and peanut butter. I did this to ensure I was eating enough because anna tried to trick me and say a tablespoon was really a teaspoon. When my parents saw and got upset and asked why I was measuring I explained that. I said my proportions are really off and I just want to ensure I get enough calories and meet the serving. It wasn’t about loosing weight, but REgaining my life back. Maybe you could sya something like that?
Hope all that helps and sorry for the length and any typos! Love to all, and now I have to go do homework!
I , m, 57, would give so much to become aquainted to a female suffering from anorexia…I would like to stay in e-mail contact ore even become a friend is there anyone be interested in please give me a line…
DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!
PLEASE DONT DO IT!!!!
it will ruin your life, im telling you. its more than losing weight, so sooo much more.
ive lost most of my friends, and my family doesnt trust me anymore.
you dont want to become obsessed with food, measuring it and hiding it. i did soo much harm to my body and mind and self esteem, i have the worst eating habits now. i thought that id be able to stop myself when i got to my goal weight, but i just kept pushing it and pushing it. pleeeeaaaaaassssseeeee dont do it!! i wish there were some one there to tell me not to do it.
everyone else…
. dont be mad.. i feel so bad. im moving backwards.
im so ashamed today. i feel like im making no progress. i want to stop crying. there are some things that i want to tell my councler, and my friend. but these things…they would be obligated to tell my parents. i just want help, but i want my parents out of it.
my life has become so pathetic. i do the same thing day after day. i have no life.
ok, the thing is… i cut the other day, and almost threw up.
Aliza, no one is mad. I, and everyone else too probably, am VERY VERY proud of you for NOT throwing up. Chosing not to vomit when you so want to is very commendable, you are stronger than you think.
Recovery is NOT a straight path. you will gop forward, backward, left, right up, and down. My group therapy leader called it a never ending roller coaster. You will have your steady climb up and sometimes that really scary fall down. It’s ok. Like on the coaster you move up!
When I first started recovery there were days where I just beat myself, bruised my legs and everything, just to keep from vomitting. I felt shame and guilt like never before. Then my mom told me it was ok, not to beat myself up because that’s what ANNA WANTS! she wants you to hate yourself and feel helpless so you go back to her. DONT LET ANNA WIN! Tell her to fuck off, excuse my language.
What happens if you tell your parents that you are having a really real;ly hard time in recovery BUT still are DETERMINED to go on, and just would like more love and support? In the form of a psychologist or meds or just talking/ hanging out as a family. That way they know you will get better and will understand your thoughts better. DO NOT STAY ISOLATED! Isolation is how anna stays strong over you, you have to get out there aliza- talk do not be affraid of sharing your feelings, as long as you express a strong desire to recover, your counsleor, friends, and family will be there for you! No one will laugh at you, judge you, or abandon you. They CARE about you, anna doesn’t she wants you dead.
aliza u are making progress! It is a rollercoaster, u need to take it one day at a time, not give in and become stronger.
U need to have the motivaton to not give in, and feel like ur losing cause u are not.
treat urself do something u enjoy or like, eat somethign u havent in ages, spend time with the family, dont let ana into ur head…
xx
okay,
i feel like i do need to see a therapist. but in order to do that i need to ask my parents. and i really dont want them knowing ANYTHING. ive never had an open relationship with my parents. and if the therapist puts me on antideppressants then i really dont want my parents being affected by that. but i feel like thats what i need because nothing helps. ive tryed being social, and doing things that make me happy. writing in a journal. nothing helps.
but i dont want any more doctors. i already have 2, and i talk to the counsler, and occasionally talk to my vice princaple, and poor my heart out to my friend every day. i dont want another doctor because that will make me feel high matnence and crazy.
i cant ask my dotor about it because what ever i tell him he tells my parents everything. if i tell my counsler that i recently cut, will she tell my parents?
i wanted to go to this thing on thursday.. but i have a doctors appt, and i asked my mm if i could rescedule. she said no. she doesnt have the slightest idea that im having trouble staying happy and socializing, she doesnt realize that it might help
when i try and act happy, im just ACTING and then people ask me to do stuff. there expecting me to be back to normal..
i have to go to the bathroom in the middle of some classes now because i cry so much.
i have to take the beep test tomorow in gym ( a running test) im nervous..:(
i didnt cut today, but i had to pull the old rubber band trick..
i wish i could go to sleep and just take sleeping pills right when i wake up, so i could sleep through my entire life. i know that wont work.
Aliza, I sympathize with you so much. I sometimes had to go out of class, too, because I felt like crying. I used to cut, too, but you must congratulate yourself on not cutting that day.
There are rules of confidentiality in counselling, but it is different for each province in Canada, I believe. You can ask your school counsellor the confidentiality rules. In most cases, everything is confidential except if it’s information indicating harm to yourself or others.
You can always quit doctors. It’s your choice, really. Talk to your school counsellor about it. She should be able to give you an idea of what to do in your situation. Too many cooks spoil the broth, as they say.
I live in the province of British Columbia, and in my place, once you’re my age (16) you are allowed to make your own decisions in treatment.
aliza- hun please dont cut, its not going to make anything go away and it is not going to help . u dont deserve any pain
i really need think u need to try and be open with ur parents a bit more, im not saying pour ur heart out, but u see themeveryday and i think with their support u will feel better. Instead of it being tense and angry, it could be comforting and supportive.
No i dont think ur counceler would tell ur parents, usually everything between u and a counceler is strictly confidential, they are not allowed to tell anyone what goes on inside the room. Only if they thought u were putting urself at a serious danger and need urgent help.
could u not try to talk to ur mum or dad? just tell them what u tell us, that u feel sad and lonely and u want to get better but are struggling and u need comfort.
theres nothing likea mothers comfort.
hope ur bleep test went ok
x
Aliza- I am with Aliyah. Even though you do not want to open up to your parents out of fear of hat they might say or do and because you have not had an open relationship before, you MUST. Think of the PAIN and STRESS you endure every day trying to act all happy and unchanged. How long can you keep acting this way? How much of a burden is lying daily on you? It HURTS to lie and to hide. Share the bare minimum. Say you are struggling with mood swings and feel depressed alot but still are encouraged to recover because YOU HAVE COME SO FAR!
About cutting, yes it provides instant gratification. But, the scar remains as an ugly reminder for you for weeks to come. People can see and ask also, which I know will make you feel shame or guilt or embaressed. Do not do that to yourself! Cutting will only give into Anna- she wants you to suffer, fight her voice.
On an off note, there’s this song called ‘Courage’ its by a band lead by a woman who had anorexia. The song is about fighting toward the light of recovery and how it is hard and not everyday you are ok. You might like it, Courage makes me cry all the time. The band is Superchick.
I’m scared. I’ve never been fully anorexic but I can feel that I might be. I can’t stop thinking about food, i would say more but everyone here knows how it is. I have such a fear that everyone will look down on me if I don’t get skinnier. I’m 5″5 and I weigh 120. What can I do to stop the anorexic thoughts? I want to be happy and confident but I can’t and I feel stupid for asking for help because all of you have been through so much worse and it seems like I don’t have a place here. help me.
ilisa- First off, conradulations on coming here for help! You came to the right place to end anorexia. No one here judges, and that rule applies to you also.
Do you have a negative self esteem? Like are you always putting yourself down? That leads to you believing you are fat. In psychology I learned people sometimes place their thoughts or ideas onto others, so you may think you are not skinny enough so you believe everyone else thinks that too. NOT THE CASE. 5’5 and 120 is great. Its on the low side of the normal BMI spectrum so you have nothing to fear. No one sees fat but you. Maybe try focusing on self esteem building or body image building exercises to help you love yourself for who you are. Loving yourself is KEY in not falling into anorexia. Maybe talk to a friend or family memeber, keeping struggles inside creates major emotional stress and the feeling of unescapabel burden can manifest into anorexia, especially when the troubles are body image related.
I hope that helped and I really wish you well. Anorexia is not something I would wish upon even my WORST enemy.
Melissa~ thank you. It’s scary believing that everyone thinks the worst of me. I’m glad I came here before it got bad. What are some body image building exercises? by the way, I love psychology too. It’s my favorite thing to read about. Maybe so I can get to know myself better, I’m not sure. You’re awesome. It’s like you just welcomed me into this special home : )
ilisa- let me tell u now, if ur thinking about food obsessively all the time, you can make it stop
what u need to see is that if u deprive urself of food, your brain is starved and u cant actually percieve everything for what it is, especially ur body. and as u eat less and restrict certain behaviours will increase, such as obsessive about food related things like calorie. so what im tryin to say is, u need enough food, and that will partly rid of the thouhgts.
u also need to have moivation to get better, what do u want from life? what has ana taken away from you? you need to gain that perpective, and not let ana take anything from you.
and if theres someone u cud talk to, then go for it. even a teacher, or school counceler or anyone,. it does help to get the thoughts out, but trust me u ar enot fat.
u just percieve urself to be, and when u feel fat u need to counteract the thought, and be like, well what REAL evidence is there that i am fat? is my BMI over 25? do my clothes all feel tight? what do people say about my appearance? cause really there is no evidence u are fat, feelings are notfacts.
and remember recovery is about REgaining weight
be strong, xx
im pretty confused today. i dont know what i feeling. im just emotionally and physically drained. im trying to keep myself ocupied but its hard.
ok, there’s this guy in my gym class, and he has to be the best at EVERYTHING. and my class doesnt take gym very seriously, so everyone was walking the test except for me, i wanted to run. so i started off and i was going pretty fast, and when he saw i was running, he just ran as fast as he could, he just had to beat me. he passed me a couple times. it was obvious that he was trying to out shine me.and everyone was cheering for him as he passed me. i know its not a competition. but it made me feel so slow and lazy and just so many negative things. i felt horrible, mentally and physically. my chest burned. and eventually, i felt like i wasnt running because i liked it, or for a grade, or for ana..but for the pain. i wish i could go for a run every time i feel like cutting, but im not allowed. and aparently excersise helps with depression, but i felt so upset afterwards..so i guess that wont help if i continue feeling this way after i gain weight.
ok, the other night i really felt bad, so i made a pro con list of reasons i should be glad to be alive, and i thought that would cheer me up expecting that id get more pros then cons…but i got more cons.. i dont know where im leading myself
ilisa – i dont know if this is a body image exercise, but sometimes when i talk to my friend on the phone, she tells me to tell her 5 beautiful things inside and 5 beautiful things outside. and she tells me to tell myself that im beautiful. she gave me a button and a rock to keep in my pocket. and when ever i go in my pocket for something and notice the rock, i have to think of one thing i like about myself, no repeates. and if you look at yourself in a mirror, look at your face not your body. hope it helps.
ok. pork for supper tonight. i hate pork, its sooooo high calorie, thats so scary. its like, 400calories for one pork chop.! that is so scary.
thanks for listening..<3