anorexia talk – for people recovering from anorexia

This is a special new area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia. I know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.

However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.

Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.

This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).

So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.

(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)

Here are a few things you may want to start out with:

Do you get enough support from people around you?
How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
Have you found a food plan that works for you?
How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
How long have you been in recovery?
What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?

PLEASE NOTE:

Due to the great success of this page, I have now created a new page on this site, to make the large comment/talk section a bit easier to manage. Please continue your discussion here.

(And another note: Any message on this page that seems even remotely like spam will be deleted. This is NOT a place to advertise.)

1,847 Comments

1,847 responses so far ↓

1 Aliyah // Feb 11, 2008 at 9:05 am

heyyy
so tell me about urself and ur ED
2 please // Feb 16, 2008 at 9:53 pm

hello everybody…
i am a recovered anorexic. I am pretty young, in the low teen years and about 5 feet. my lowest weight was about 70 pounds. It started when i was overweight as a kid, my mom would always try to push me away from food. i hated it so one day i decided to get healthier. i did a great job and was losing weight in a very healthy way, but then it caught up with me. it was like a competition to lose more and more weight. i saw therapists and nutritionists…….didnt do a thing for me, but i somehow self recovered within a year. I DID IT! but now i am 2 years older and 115 pounds….i feel overweight, short (probobly because of my food deprivation as a child), and depressed. I am now experiencing all the things that went wrong in my body within that year and a half of starving myself. i feel fat and want to lose weight. its true once an anorexic always one. i still have all my past thoughts in the back of my head. i alwyas count calories and excercise excessivly…..but now i feel like i overeat and am unhealthy…. what do i do now?
3 Catherine // Feb 16, 2008 at 9:53 pm

to please,
You are so smart to come on here! I am a lot like you in that I did better once I went back to college and stopped seeing my therapists, although they had helped a lot and I recovered way quickly too. Right now, you need to tell yourself that you are not overweight. You are at a healthy weight and should fight to stay there.

I found that making meals as a part of normal life crucial in remaining recovered (I’ve been at a healthy weight for 6 months now)! I always tell myself that if I eat too little I could lose more bone mass (I have osteoporosis from anorexia), won’t be able to concentrate on school, will be depressed again, and

DUH DUH DUH lower my metabolism. Remember, if you don’t eat your body slows down, so eating often when you’re hungry keeps it up. It’s a very good thing. Your body does NOT want you to starve. That’s probably why you overeat. Or you don’t. ..those like us sometimes can’t tell the difference.

If you want, I can send you my email or a.i.m. sn and we can help each other stay recovered. I’m great now, but I’m always on guard like you.
Take care
4 please // Feb 16, 2008 at 9:54 pm

thanks Catherine
the whole support thing would be wonderful, i really want to feel like a normal person and not always have to think about it. i just want to be a healthy, happy teenager.
5 Catherine // Feb 16, 2008 at 9:54 pm

I would love to help you get through this! When I was recovering I wish I had someone to write to. Hmm I’m wondering how I can get you my email and whatnot without posting it. Any ideas guys? I’m 20 yrs. old and only got hit with this stuff last year, but I’m still a teen at heart! Plus, everyone deserves to be a healthy and happy teenager.
6 daisy // Feb 17, 2008 at 1:12 am

hey everybody…..this is “please”
i feel a little more comfortable about this now….well once again everday is a struggle and i just find myself dieting again beacuse now that i weigh like a normal teenager i feel fat. i just always have to feel like i am thinner than everyone else….even if its a bad thing. it eases all my troubles and makes me more confident
7 pat // Feb 17, 2008 at 9:59 am

I’m sitting in my livingroom watching my daughter sleep. She’s home from college for the weekend and is taking a nap. She is working so hard at recovery, but I can see at times it’s such a struggle. I asked her this morning if there was anything I could do to help her, but she said there was nothing. She tells me my love and support are enough, yet looking at her tiny body just is so difficult. I love her with my whole heart and soul and do my best never to make her feel my pain. I just hope I’m doing enough. I guess I need to know from you all… what is the most helpful thing a Mom can do? I don’t want to ignore the situation, but I also don’t want our whole relationship to focus on it. I just have days when I feel so helpless and alone. My daughter is an incredible young woman and makes me so proud. Thanks for listening!
Love to all of you!
Pat
8 Aliyah // Feb 17, 2008 at 11:48 am

awww you are, love is the way foward

my mums the same she does everything to help me along the way
nd i willll get to the healthy stage i hope
9 Aliyah // Feb 17, 2008 at 11:50 am

daisy, do you not maybe want to try a counceller or therapist, and get all your worries out , im im recovery, i dont know how it feels to be recovered
10 daisy // Feb 19, 2008 at 5:42 pm

to Aliyah, i tried the whole therapy thing it just makes me feel worst..i really hope you get through it, just really work on it….little by little…you’ll feel so amazing and free..it feels good to be able to have a normal life again. minor relapse is always going to be there for a person who once had anorexia…you just have to let it breeze by.

To Pat,
as a young daughter that went through this eating disorder…i know that my mom went through a lot of pain and nights of crying. please be strong for your daughter, understand that she has this as a mental issue too, its not just wanting to skip a few meals, give her time because the less you push her and let her open up the easier it will get for her.
11 isabella mori // Feb 19, 2008 at 7:33 pm

thanks for all the support you’re giving each other.

as a therapist, of course i’m curious to hear how therapy does and does not work for people. i’m really sorry that therapy made you feel worse.

if that therapist asked you what she or he could have done differently, what would you say?
12 Emiy // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:12 pm

Hi My Name is Emily.
I am a recovering anorexic. i have been home from my inpatient program now for almost two months. but, in that time my metabolism has shot up and lowered way down. at first it was over 2000 calories, and then we keep having to lower my meal plan and now it is around 1300, i know that is not normal for a teenager. Is that normal to fluctuate as an anorexic?… should i try to eat more? i am eating five meals a day, and exercising regularly. is there something wrong with me?
13 isabella mori // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:36 pm

hi emily, and welcome to this blog!

what are your doctor and/or nutritionist saying?

our nutritional needs vary very much with age, activity level, weight, etc. generally, 1,300 calories for a teenager is on the low side.

if your BMI is low (which it would be for many people who were in inpatient treatment for anorexia only 2 months ago), then it would make sense to eat more rather than less.
14 Aliyah // Feb 20, 2008 at 3:01 am

To daisy- aww thanks, its relaly hard. right now im on a basic meal plan, but i feel so fat and horrible and bloated a lot of the time. how long did it take for your metabolism to set in, and get faster? I think you should try to feel positiv about yourself, maybe write down a list of all your achievments, you;ve recovered anorexia, if you can do that you can do anything!
you should be proud of yourself, and every one feels fat, its normal, you just need to tell yourself, you’re not goin to let it get in the way, If you eat healthily and exercise regulary, you have nothing to worry about.

and u have everyones support on this
15 Aliyah // Feb 20, 2008 at 3:04 am

hey emily, forstly well done on sorting out anorexia
secondly, i think you should speak to your doctor/nutrionist about this, they will know best.
do u have a mealplan? if so make sure you stick to it.
you could try things like green tea, its supposed to help speed up metabolism.

x
16 starcat // Feb 20, 2008 at 10:02 pm

i actually don’t believe that i’ve been seriously anorexic, but i’ve been dealing with “disordered eating” for about three years now. i’m 5′7 and 110 lbs, which is low but not dangerously so. i don’t fixate on food, but when i’m nervous or upset, i don’t like eating. skipping meals makes me feel good, although i know that sounds weird. i’ve never engaged in the calorie-counting or weight-watching aspects of eating disorders.

i’m actually gaining weight now, which i’ve been trying to do for a long time. however, i’m finding that it’s making me upset in ways that i didn’t anticipate. while looking in the mirror i think i’d look better if i weighed a little more, it feels really weird to have fat on my stomach. when i’m gaining weight it seems to all end up there, which makes me…uncomfortable? i guess? i’m hoping that if i keep the weight, it’ll get more distributed around my body. and yeah, i guess i’m hoping that someone here who’s had to gain weight can tell me how they reacted to it, physically and emotionally. part of me wants to just stop eating and make it go away.

thanks so much for any help.
17 Aliyah // Feb 21, 2008 at 1:51 am

heyy starcat well well done for trying to recover first
and yeah ino how weight gain feels, right now im supposed to put on a pound a week, sometimes its more sometimes less. Its soo frustrating, all m weight has gone to my stomach, which just looks like a constant puffball!
but my nutrionist says, if you keep eating regulary, ur metablism will speed up and this phase will pass, so im sure it;ll be the same for you!

do you want to see a nutrionist or someone?
xx
18 princess1 // Feb 29, 2008 at 2:05 am

Hi
Um this is the first time ive tried to do something like this.
Im 5ft 8 and 116 pounds
My mom doesnt understand all she does is force food on me. I can manage 2 meals a day and up to 3 sugary teas a day.
But when i look in the mirror i still see an ugly worthless fat cow, im worried these thoughts will take over again and I dont want that to happen i know its not good for me
help
19 Aliyah // Feb 29, 2008 at 4:10 am

heyy princess

ino how you feel, my anorexia made me feel worthless and restcritced my eating. You have to see you are an unhealthy weight for your height. You will bring on so many risks like osteoporosis, and i bet you’re feeling cold a lot and unhappy.
and the only way to sort this, is get help. its the best thing i ever did!
its a scary thought, but even if you just go to your gp, or maybe tell your mum how you;re feeling, she is concerned about you

good luck x
20 princess1 // Feb 29, 2008 at 4:27 am

how can i tell my mum all this stuff that goes on in my head she wont understand and i dont want to upset her! she has enought to worry about at the moment.
when i look in the mirror i dont feel like i look unhealthy i feel fat and i try to push it away but then dinner or breakfast comes and i hate what im looking at and if i eat it i hate myself
21 Aliyah // Feb 29, 2008 at 5:05 am

ino exactly how you feel, i have had anorexia for a long time, and i still feel fat, everyt time i eat. But i realise theres more to life than sittin thinking im fat all the time.
if you feel you cant talk to your mum, which ino is really hard, you need to find someone close to you,you can tell. what your experiencing, every anorexia, or does. You are not alone.
and you have to think, and be honest, do i want to get better and be healthy and go out for meals and eat what i want, or do i want to restrict more and more then end up in hospital being fed through a tube.
im always here to help, but you do need to tell someone, even the doctor or a close friend?
22 daisy // Mar 1, 2008 at 4:46 pm

everybody i feel horrible again i want to cry…i cant live like this i have to do it id rather be thin..i dont know what to do
23 isabella mori // Mar 1, 2008 at 5:27 pm

breath, daisy, breathe …

i’m looking at your last post.

you know what it feels like to feel free. you know what it feels like to lead a normal life.

hold on to that memory.

you can have it again.

we’re here for you.
24 pincess1 // Mar 2, 2008 at 9:38 am

Hi Daisy
maybe we should help each other through this I am struggling with trying to be healthy to but we have to do it for our own sake, deep down we both know it will be worth it in the long run.
we both have to be strong ill help you stay stong if you help me.
25 daisy // Mar 2, 2008 at 10:21 am

princess1 i am so up for support and helping you get through this as well. theres just too much around, reminding me of what my mind is telling me to do ans what my body is. nobody understands what i am dealing with, my family and friends…they just want me to eat but its not as easy as just that
26 princess1 // Mar 4, 2008 at 1:06 am

I know how your feeling, there’s so much pressure my mum has been trying to watch me eat at the table now and all i can feel is eyes burning into me!
im trying to eat more but there is still something inside my head that wants me to punish myself for eating so much.
I went to see a concert on saturday and all my friends were drinking and eating and i wanted so much to just be happy like them but when i looked at the plate i just saw my thighs getting bigger etc
In the end I ended up saying i wasnt hungry as I was to excited and my friends finished off the meal.
I had a bad weekend and no amount of talking to any doctor can change the way my mind is working hmm maybe i need a new brain or something?
27 isabella mori // Mar 9, 2008 at 2:38 pm

hi princess1, just thought i’d check in. how are things going for you?

also a friendly wave to daisy, aliyah, starcat, pat catherine and please.
28 worried sister // Mar 9, 2008 at 3:41 pm

Hello everyone. i am the sister of a girl with anorexia. it is very scary and im pretty new to it. she just started to admit she has a problem and she has all the symptoms. since most people commenting on here have had eating disorders i think this is the best way for me to educate myself. how should i deal wiht her? should I try to talk to her about it? please help me!
29 worried sister // Mar 9, 2008 at 3:46 pm

well there has been news since i last posted a comment. we did talk but i just cant seem to convince her she is not fat and a little weight will not ruin her running career. she is a very very good runner and has even gone as far a federations. but she is not happy and i can tell. it hurts me to look at her and i just wish she could eat and be happy again. it has been so long i have forgotten when the last time she really had fun was and the last meal she has eaten. she says she just wants to be happy but not gain any weight but i am worried about what that could do to her. i realize she might have complications trying to get pregnent or she could get serioulsy ill. since most of you are going through wat she is can you give me advice and help me know what to tell her. i feel like she realizes how hurt i am and i am trying to stay strong and not cry infront of her but is that the right way to go about this. please help!
30 Aliyah // Mar 10, 2008 at 4:19 am

heyy just feel i need to express sumf eelings
i feel so bd just now,recovery seems impossible
its so draining and daunting.
mealtimes re suprislingly ok, its just i hate my body.
my body image seems to be gettin worse s i eat more
31 princess1 // Mar 10, 2008 at 8:40 am

help
i cant do this I want to be skinny and leaving this group I need to be skinny again. its all i can think about know one can convince me im not fat I can see it when i look in the mirror! a big fat cow
32 worried sister // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:32 am

lately it has been better. we talk but i still feel like im not getting through to her. she is not fat and i wish she would realze tht. since most of you are anorexic answer this. how come you feel like your fat when your not. and who is it you are worried would care if you looked what you think is fat but what everyone else sees as super skinny? helppppp.
33 worried sister // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:34 am

princess1 – you are not fat. you are not a cow. do not worry about how you look. i can tell just by your comment that you are unhappy. dont be unhappy please! i am a not skinny but healthy looking girl but i am happy. i can work out and eat without questioning myself to much and i am here to tell you there is hope. you will be okay and i am proof that being happy feels so good. i want my sister to be happy and i want you to also. you dont need to impress anyone as long as you are happy.
34 pincess1 // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:36 am

the person in my head tells me im fat!
it tells me to loose weight and shows me weight gain!
just one more pound it never stops!
every pound brings pleasure and pain as its not enough
your suster needs to be admitted to hospital she has a mental condition like most of us and it needs to be shut down!
35 pincess1 // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:40 am

i am fat
fat fat fat a big fat cow
36 isabella mori // Mar 10, 2008 at 12:33 pm

hi guys, it’s isabella.

i’d like to share something with you.

at a support group where i meet, there is a guideline: “when you share, please focus on recovery. focus on what will help you and others move forward.”

do you think that would work here, too?
37 Heather // Mar 10, 2008 at 4:01 pm

I am 20 years old and currently suffering from anorexia, its hard becaues i want to recover and i want to gain I just cant seem to do it. Everytime after i eat something that i wouldnt normally i feel guilty and awful … so bad that i get a burning feeling in my stomach. I want to recover so badly i am so thin right now that i cant even find a pair of jeans that arnt baggy. Does anyone have any suggestions to get over the fear that i am facing right now? i want to get better just cant seem to do it. Everyone in my life says just dont think about what your eating just eat it but they dont understand the mental aspect of eating for me. Any suggestions would help thanks.
38 Aliyah // Mar 11, 2008 at 8:11 am

yeah im recovering nd i still get guilty feelings
i strongly urge you to see your doctor n get councelling. thats what i did, and its helping me slowly.
slowly but surely i am gettin better. i could never find jeans or clothes to fit me, but slowly i am now, and its a hard struggle but ino its worth it.
and the eating but is the smallest part of recovery, the rest is the important. for me its my self image, and how ipercive myself. you need someone to talk it through and help you with

good luck! you cn do it
x
39 princess1 // Mar 11, 2008 at 8:24 am

i relapsed today i ate laods and felt so bad i threw it all up again now i feel crap
40 Aliyah // Mar 11, 2008 at 11:37 am

awww relapses are a normal and natural part of recovery
you should try to keep yourself occupied after a meal, for 40 mins or so in order to prevent yourself from purging. such as studying, goin for a walk or talkin on the fone to someone.

try not to feel bad, use the feelings its given you- makin u feel bad and crap to prevent you doing it from next time

i feel crappy cause i had a really big dinner, but i sat on the internet and read up the negative effects anorexia can have on my health and body to stop me from throwin up
and it worked
you should try it

xx
41 rynelle // Mar 11, 2008 at 10:54 pm

they say when you’re recovering you are supposed to be extra sure to eat many small meals a day right? but how do u manage that? i have such a hard time getting myself to eat that often and so i usually end up eating one meal a day…one that is way to large.
42 princess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 12:45 am

its a question of if you dont eat it you’ll be ill thats what I tell myself eating is making me better and beautiful like the thoughts from ana but reversed!
ana makes u feel fat if you eat i look at it like if i eat this ill be slim and healthy todday although i have to convince myself for about 45mins to eat something but i do end up eating it.

Aliyah, thaks for the advice i had breakfast and walked my dog for 30mins it took my mind off what i’d just eaten as i was running around with my dog and plating with him.

thanks for the advice x
43 Aliyah // Mar 12, 2008 at 7:59 am

princess 1- aww thats sooo good. keep it up!

ryanelle- you should try and see a nutrionist, mines helped me devise 3 small meals with snacks inbetween. so i have a small brekafast, lunch n dinner at set times, and snacks at set time

x
44 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:04 am

i know i have to eat to be healthy which is what i really want more than anything…im a dancer and if you dont eat right you can get seriously injured. bcuz of my disorder i have already had some minor injuries which i need to take care of properly…but every minute of life is a struggle against myself. sometiems its the hardest thing to go against what a huge part of me is saying which is to not eat. often if i have food infront of me that i know i should eat i will sit there forever looking at it, unable to do anything at all..i cant eat it but i cant not eat it..its so frustrating i dont know wat to do, i just feel myself wanting to cry
45 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:12 am

i also just started going to a dietition who specializes in eating disorders..she is really nice, i feel more open with her than my actual therapist.. we have only had one meeting so far though. the first goal she set for me was to drink at least 2 glasses of milk a day but i havent been able to do that bcuz since i started eating again my stomach seems to be really sensitive to alot of things, such as milk. i have been told it is all in my head but idk..
46 Aliyah // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:13 am

awwwww ino hpow you feel there, i had a time, where my anorexia was so bad i no i had to do something. and constantly i had two opposing voices in my head ”EAT ” and ”DNT EAT U FAT UGLY COW” . but isaw as i ate the voice calmed down, i thought of all the positive things i have to look foward too, for you think of ur dncing future nd how you dont want it ruined.
Would you rather be in hospital or at home sick, and injured and unable to dance, nd wishing you had ate, or be dancing ?

its hard, but you can do it!
47 princess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:16 am

wel maybe you should attempt half a glass of milk at least.
it doesnt matter who you feel close to as long as you are able to open up to some1 thats great
48 princess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:30 am

Aliyah has a point hun think positivly and it will be ok : )
we all have our good and shit days bu its worth it in the long run! if we carry on there are so many things that will go wrong you cant have kids your insides fail etc its worth eating to stay healthy better yet your saying a big FUCK U to the voice in your head!
49 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:02 am

yeah thankyou. one of the biggest reasons i started trying to recover was bcuz of the dancing…i was getting to a point where the teachers didnt feel comfortable with me dancing and doing jumping exersizes and things that involved alot of cardio..soon id be sitting out instead of dancing. those voices are exactly what is in my head but it seems as one gets louder saying i should eat, the other one comes right along with it screaming out how fat i am and that i dont deserve the things food can give me.
50 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:11 am

the half a glass idea is a good one.
my stomach is so wierd lately…i get these really severe pains. they sort of feel like hunger but im never sure bcuz they are really painful and sometimes its even after iv eaten something that it comes. i also get them sometimes only like two or three hours after eating, even if it was a good meal..size and nutrition wise. im never sure what to do. if its hunger i dont know why and i dont want to eat seeing as how i just did and i dont want to be over eating. any suggestions? has this ever happend to you?
51 princess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:19 am

take it slow hun it will all be ok we’ll get there x
52 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:22 am

thx. my patience is something i need to work on..
53 isabella mori // Mar 12, 2008 at 11:53 am

hey everyone

it’s really interesting to hear you talk about the voices in your heads.

i’d like to put together a post that talks about ideas on how to deal with those voices. would you people be interested in working together on that?

isabella mori’s last blog post..wordless wednesday morning
54 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 12:03 pm

i would forsure!
55 starcat // Mar 12, 2008 at 1:24 pm

congrats on eating rynelle! the stomach pains might partially be due to your body not being used to digesting food. your stomach shrinks when you don’t eat enough, so part of recovery is stretching it out again (lovely, i know…). that’s why they have you start by eating lots of small meals… it took me awhile to be able to distinguish between stomachaches and hunger, but the more you can eat on a regular schedule, the better you’ll get at it. when you get used to it, you’ll probably notice you start feeling hungry around meal times.

the hunger thing was actually what made me realize i was really messing with my system…when i realized i couldn’t tell whether i was hungry or not i was like eeek.

on a completely different note:
pretty much every woman in my family has struggled with eating disorders at some point. my little sister is doing okay so far, as far as i know. she’s 14, and she’s really interested in trying out dance, gymnastics, etc. my dad’s worried that she’ll end up with body image issues from this…i guess i kinda worry too but i also think she should get to try things. but then she told me she was interested in rhythmic gymnastics (search for it on youtube if you haven’t seen it before). when i looked at the video clips i was stunned by how tiny all the girls doing it are. she’s doing it with my mom and my dad doesn’t know about it so far. i def. don’t plan on telling him, but i’m sort of thinking i should maybe mention something to my sister, although at the same time i don’t know what to say. comments? ideas?

another odd thought:
after years of telling myself i wasn’t eating due to stress, blah, blah, blah, i’m finally acknowledging that i haven’t been eating because i don’t want to gain weight. i guess acknowledging that is kind of the first part of dealing with it, but it’s also pretty difficult emotionally. i’m trying really hard to focus on being healthy instead of being thin, but i’ve gotten used to being small and part of me doesn’t want to change.

and a final thought:
when girls in my dorm who are obviously healthy start complaining about how they gained 5 pounds, i get aggravated.
56 starcat // Mar 12, 2008 at 1:31 pm

wow, sorry i just posted an essay…
57 pincess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 1:50 pm

essay!!!!! might take me a while to answer all them
58 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:29 pm

thx starcat. ur probably right about the pains..i never know wheather im hungry or unable to deal with the food i last ate..its really messed up.
as for your sister as long as she is acting normal i wouldnt say anything to her..who knows if those thoughts might set off something..but be careful. the minute she starts acting strange(luckily u know wat to look for) u should talk to her.
i also know wat the wanting to stay small is like. at dance i stare at myself next to other ppl in a mirror for hours. im used to being the thin, smallest one next to everyone(eeven tho i didnt see it that way) and now im ..well normal sized but it doesnt feel or look right to me
59 starcat // Mar 12, 2008 at 11:34 pm

oh yeah, just for clarification, i’m at college across the country from my sister, and i won’t see her til june :/

rynelle, i totally know what you mean. not that i took dance. but just that i was used to being light when someone had to be picked up to reach something, and being able to fit in small places. and i used to think i’d be more attractive if i gained some weight, and my arms had a little fat on them, and i had like a butt lol, but now that i’m gaining weight it’s basically all on my stomach and hips, which is disappointing. oh well. i keep telling myself that being healthy is the top priority, which it is of course, although sometimes its hard to keep that in perspective.
60 Aliyah // Mar 13, 2008 at 4:59 am

heyy i just need a buit of support
recoverys so hard just now, its such a contant battle
im eatin more and more, and my weight is going up, and its scary. i used to always be the thinnest, and now im moving away from that role.
i just dont fee comfortable in my own skin
any tips?
61 princess1 // Mar 13, 2008 at 5:53 am

hey hey hey!
stop thinking that way right now!
its not about being the thinnest its about being healthy you know that I know you do!
put little post it notes around places where you go for food e.g the frige etc and write positive things today e.g if i drink this milk i will have srtong teeth today.
i know it sounds childish but its helped me when I have been looking into the fridge feeling sick because im scared of eating anything then I see a little positive note and I think hey this is good for me and it helps
try it and let me know what you think.
x
62 starcat // Mar 13, 2008 at 10:37 am

i find that when i start getting freaked out over not being thin it helps to write down things i want to do in life: sail around the world, have kids, go skydiving, learn to surf, have fun, make every day count. when i take a longer view like that, i realize that struggling with an eating disorder is really the last thing i want to be doing. i need my body to be healthy because its functionality is really way more important than its appearance. and i know that i’ll function better when i’m healthier.

the kid thing especially makes me think, because that’s one where you really need all the extra nutrition (especially calcium) that you can get. i want my body to be in good shape by the time i’m thinking about having kids.
63 rynelle // Mar 13, 2008 at 12:41 pm

i know how u feel. its like being a different person from what you were..one who u feel is too big. try not to focus on how the size of your body is making you a different person..think of how the things making you different are ur higher energy, ability to focus, better mood, ability to connect with ppl more, and ur over all health. these are the bigger more important things that will make you a different, HAPPIER person.

just keep on goin:) dont give up, you can do it!
64 Aliyah // Mar 13, 2008 at 2:17 pm

thanks guys!
i can do it, i had a big dinner and everything, and i enjoyed every bite
starcat yeah i wll try that thanks a lot!
65 princess1 // Mar 14, 2008 at 12:49 am

Well done Aliyah I knew you could do it!
66 Aliyah // Mar 14, 2008 at 8:14 am

thnks
i have one question to ask, like im on a mealplan, and its quite basic, and my nutrionist said when my weight stablises they will add more, but my weight is takin ages to stbalise. im jus wondering, does anyone have any ideas as to when it mite? its been about two months n im eating the same things every day yet puttin on weight
x
67 rynelle // Mar 14, 2008 at 11:50 am

im wondering the same thing aswell. its been about a month for me and it feels i couldnt possibly put on more weight..its come back sooo fast. its scary
68 isabella mori // Mar 14, 2008 at 12:16 pm

aliyah and rynelle – are you discussing these weight issues with your doctor, nutritionist and/or dietician? i wonder what they say …

it’s possible that your bodies have quite a bit of catching up to do. i know BMI is a very rough measure of healthy weight but still it might be interesting to see where your BMI stands.

oh and – what other things beside weight are interesting to you? what else could you be keeping an eye on?

happiness? contentment? number of smiles a day?
69 Aliyah // Mar 14, 2008 at 12:29 pm

my nutrionist sid its becuse my body is still getting used to food, she said it will eventually stop.
all my weights gone to my tummy though
my bmis about 16 i think
70 isabella mori // Mar 14, 2008 at 1:09 pm

if your BMI is 16 then you still have quite a ways to go to 18.5, which is considered the lower end of a healthy weight.

yeah, that’s a bit of a bummer when it all goes to the tummy. remember that from an evolutionary point of view, fat protects, in a number of ways. it protects against cold, damage and starvation (e.g. the long winters some people used to have to get through without much food). i recall reading somewhere that belly fat is a better energy storage than other types of fat; maybe your body is just sending it where it thinks it will most likely protect you from further starvation.
71 pincess1 // Mar 15, 2008 at 1:09 am

im sure it only feelslike the food is goin to our tummys in actual fact i think because we’vve starved outselves of fool so much most of it is being used as goodnes the rest i guess leaves when we go to the toilet!
72 worried sister // Mar 15, 2008 at 4:42 am

princess 1- it sounds like you are doing better and im happy! have you ever been admitted to the hospitol? SHe wont go. she has extmremely good grades and is one of the best runners in our section. my mom says its probably better if she goes because then they will feed her. she realizes she has a problem but my sister is to afraid to gain wait. did u go to the hospital by choice or were u forced. she is about 5′3 and a half and 97 pounds. its bad but im afraid for her to go. keep trying and you will better. ik its stupid coming from me but im excited for you to be happy and healthy. i know you can do it!
73 rynelle // Mar 15, 2008 at 2:28 pm

all the weight iv put on has gone to my tummy aswell. iv also been told that my weight will change around a bit as my metabolism gets back to normal. its really discouraging tho..even if i dont eat very much i feel like a fat blob. and yes..my stomach is the most frustrating thing for me
74 Aliyah // Mar 15, 2008 at 2:42 pm

ino how u feel ryanelle, but i try to think that in the end its going to be worth it. our bodies just need to learn to trust us, again. It so used to the restucting and starvation it has to know we wont be doing it again ( which we wont ! ) and then we can look foward to a more normal and faster metablism also for bloating, i eat activia yoghurt, and try not to drink fluid with my meals as this leads to bloating for me, i usually have it a while after.
xx
75 rynelle // Mar 15, 2008 at 11:30 pm

hmm yoghurt? i should try that. thanks. and yeah i often feel as though drinking water after i eat will make me feel less full but it always makes me feel really grose. how long do u have to wait?
76 worried sister // Mar 16, 2008 at 4:59 am

Yogurt also has protein which is a good way to get some protein w/o eating meat. my mom makes my sister eat it
77 Aliyah // Mar 16, 2008 at 11:14 am

ryanelle- usuallyabout a few hours
ive been reallly good followin my mp to the bone this week.
i dnt really feel hungry but i just eat. I feel better after ive eaten.
But yeah eat small bits regularly. it helps speed up the metabolism.
78 rynelle // Mar 16, 2008 at 1:41 pm

what are your meal plans like? i try to eat regularly but it can be pretty hard, especially when i dont have a mp and am really busy
79 Aliyah // Mar 16, 2008 at 1:44 pm

well try and have like carbohydrate and a protein for lunch, so like a sandwich or baked potato
dinner is the same, carbohydrate nd protein, so like rice and chicken or something.
breakfast i usually have one slice of toast nd orange juice with a yoghurt

and i have two sncks of my own choice, so usually like a cereal bar or fruit.

all healthy and spaced out
what kinda thing do u have?
x
80 princess1 // Mar 17, 2008 at 12:51 am

breakfast- usually a yoghurt or fruit
Lunch – sandwhich
dinner – something like a jacket potatoe or yea chicken n rice is v.good vegetable stir fry is also good.
(worried sister i’m doing a lot better thank you)
Aliyah how u doin?
81 worried sister // Mar 17, 2008 at 2:43 am

Is it nromal to gain back weight very fast?
82 princess1 // Mar 17, 2008 at 3:21 am

depends how fast you mean.
83 Aliyah // Mar 17, 2008 at 4:02 am

princess 1- yeah im ok. im puttin on like a pound and a half every week, cuse im eating more and reulgarly, which seems so fast but im ok, cause i want to get better.
how you doing?
x
84 princess1 // Mar 17, 2008 at 4:08 am

yea i’m doing well, I’m putting on about the same
bread and pasta are great gor helping weight gain!
85 Aliyah // Mar 17, 2008 at 8:02 am

awwww thats good
i feel a bit better cause i know im not alone.
ive done well today too, followed mp to the bone
i still feel negtive and fat a lot though. my jeans are fitting better, one part of me is proud, and the other is a bit annoyed for letting myself put on the weight.

x
86 worried sister // Mar 17, 2008 at 2:02 pm

she put ona pound in one day which comletly runined her day. she said shes the type of girl who is going to need to eat grapefruit nad carrots her whole life. she thinks she is diffrent but i dont think so. she is 5′5 and 97 pounds bt last night she gained to 98.5 is tht to soon? she said she didnt even eat alot yesterday.
87 starcat // Mar 17, 2008 at 3:02 pm

worried sister-

it’s totally normal to gain or lose a few pounds in a day, just depending on water retention and how much you eat and your menstrual cycle and that sort of thing. my ex boyfriend’s weight would actually fluctuate 8-9 lbs in a day. most people probably gain or lose 1-4 lbs. one of the problems with weighing yourself every day is that those small changes seem significant, when usually they aren’t.
88 isabella mori // Mar 17, 2008 at 4:47 pm

ever heard the expression, “scales are for fish, not humans”?
89 rynelle // Mar 17, 2008 at 8:46 pm

those plans look good. iv gained alot of weight in a short amount of time too..it can be discourageing. i dont have a meal plan ..everyone just sorta hands me a bunch of food they think i should eat. it makes things really unbalanced
90 worried sister // Mar 18, 2008 at 2:52 am

thnk you star cat. im glad.so the best thing to do is probably weigh in every other day? i hate the scale it ruins everything. how are you doing lately?
91 princess1 // Mar 18, 2008 at 3:17 am

worried sister- you know you may get more information out of your sister by just talking to her and telling her how you feel, for me I realised i was hurting my family and that was a turning point.
does she know your talking to us on here as if my sister had done something like that behind my back it would have made me worse at the time.
Your her family and by talking to her maybe you can swing it round as the only answers your going to find on here are our own personal experiences and they’re all going to be slightly different to what your sister is going through.
Every anorexic is different hun.
please, talk to your sister about how you feel.
92 Aliyah // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:06 am

weight flunctuates so much, you should try and weigh weekly, and get a rough indication of the weight. My weight flunctuates a lot due to water retention.
dont worry about it
Ryanelle you should make sure you have all the food groups included in your diet

im havin a bad dayy today, dont feel too good. we have lots of guests coing over, and i feel anxious. I get wary of people commenting me
93 rynelle // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:38 pm

..i feel the same way today..i cant seem to eat a whole lot. i saw my dietition today and she set some goals for me. it seems like a lot of food and things i need to think about.
aliyah i also know how it feels to be comented on and how wierd it feels..at dance its hard to get away from. just hold your head up high and remind yourself that you have what it takes to get through anything. confidence is everything! as long as you have that, no one will judge u.
good luck!
94 Aliyah // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm

thank you!
i feel like i can relate to you so much!
i felt really bad after dinner today, its just such a battle everyday, but i guess its one that needs to be won

what are your goals like? and just think of a days food as one meal at a time. Like when you get up think of breakfast only and not lunch or dinner. i find that helps me more
x
95 worried sister // Mar 18, 2008 at 2:08 pm

princess1- i try to talk to her about it but it just makes me upset and i feel like i have to be strong for her. i dont want to cry becasue ia m worried she will not be able to stay as strong. your making me feel rele guilty right now that she dosent no i am using this. i just dont want her to find out. your right. i think i jjust needed to talk to someone about it necasue i dont want to tell all my school friends cause we go to the same school and i dont want people looking at her diffrent.
96 rynelle // Mar 18, 2008 at 3:04 pm

i know. its a hard road. when i first decided i had to change what i was doing i didnt realize how difficult it would actually be. recovery can be harder than the actual disorder itsself. just keep pulling through…for u, for me, for everyone who loves you!
the goals are about certain things and the amount that i need to try and eat at certain times throughout the day. i am all about goals so i get very upset when i cant reach them…im not so sure i will be able to follow totally through with these goals, at least not right away which is pretty discouraging for me
97 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:38 am

just do your best.
try and break up the goals into little bits, to make it seem less. or do half a goal anf build your way up.
dont get upset, look how well youve done so far!
its a tough journey but you will get there
98 princess1 // Mar 19, 2008 at 3:00 am

I didnt mean to make you feel guilty hun
I just think its best you talk to her, My sister spoke to me about it and yes we both cryed and felt down, but at the end of the day it will bring you closer to each other and she’l respect you more for being honest. x
99 rynelle // Mar 19, 2008 at 11:58 am

yeah i have come a long way..just some days it feels like im going right back to square one.
100 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 12:03 pm

aww i know exacrtly how you feel
its like a vicious cycle.
your not alone though, always remember that, and you have the strength withing you to win.

i feel bloated nd ‘yucky’ 2day, just trying to ignore these negative feelings somehow…
101 Heather // Mar 19, 2008 at 1:09 pm

hey… just in need of some encouragment ive been trying to eat as much as i can but it seems to get me no where i just feel awful after i eat and find myself avoiding it more and more which is not good. when i do eat i feel bloated and disgusting i want to get over thinking and feeling like this. ive been tryin to get into see someone but im on waiting lists its horrible .. anybody have any suggestions to help me while im waitng for professional help
102 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 1:30 pm

yeah, its hard, but your not alone
make a list of all the things inur life u want to achieve like for me its going to uni, and thats not possible unless i get rod of anorexia
then every time u eat
think of these and you should feel better
also every time you eat, do something after to keep your mind of it, such as goin for a small walk or sittin on the internet

eat small bits regularly too, and just try to enjoy the taste
x
103 rynelle // Mar 19, 2008 at 1:55 pm

k im starting to get scared…those same thoughts are really taking over the last few days. it seems that im starting to listen to the anorexic voice more and more. i dont want to go back but yet my mind keeps telling me i do. im finding it alot harder to fight it too. the last few days i havent really talked to anyone about how i am feeling either. my closest friends are already kinda stressed with their own stuff and i hate being the extra burden, always complaining. what do i do?
104 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:34 pm

talk back
shout back
say to the voice i will eat! i need to eat! i need to eat to live! wy should i be miserable and hungry!
i am lookin fowrd to my lfie without you

just let it out
but eat. the mor eu eat the more the voices start to go awy
the voices have gotten less for me as i ignore it every day at every meal and snack

its not easy no, but its gott be done

you can do it!
105 worried sister // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:39 pm

your right and we have tlaked a littlte and she said thank you for being so cool about this right now im trying to eat healthy to get in better shape and she is constantly on my back about me eating and im not trying to loose any se4rious weight so idk why shes worried but i feel like since im trying not to eat rele bad foods i am showing her like well your making me eat more then you or shes like you didnt eat a big breakfast so i shouldnt either. i dont want to set a bad example for her and she isnt exactly one to talk about me eating alot or little. i wonder if she hears the voices people tlak about but she still pretty much denies being anorexic. she says she hass “disordered eating” ughh idkkkkk..
106 worried sister // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:39 pm

your right and we have tlaked a littlte and she said thank you for being so cool about this right now im trying to eat healthy to get in better shape and she is constantly on my back about me eating and im not trying to loose any serious weight so idk why shes worried but i feel like since im trying not to eat rele bad foods i am showing her like well your making me eat more then you or shes like you didnt eat a big breakfast so i shouldnt either. i dont want to set a bad example for her and she isnt exactly one to talk about me eating alot or little. i wonder if she hears the voices people tlak about but she still pretty much denies being anorexic. she says she hass “disordered eating” ughh idkkkkk…..
107 rynelle // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:51 pm

im trying to say those things and it works for a second but i cant seem to really over power the bad thoughts. and to get myself to eat is even harder
i dont wanna ruin things now. but now is also the time when ppl are thinking that things are better with me and they dont have to worry so much since im at a normal weight again. i hate being a burden but having ppl focusing does actually help weather i want it to or not.
108 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:54 pm

dont think about others just now, jus think bout how you feel just now
jus keep doing
picture urself, ill , hungry, cold n isolated
and say well if i dont eat thats how im goin to be forever.
theres are for us, only benefits to eating.
ino its so so hard, but just keep trying
each day at a time
it’ll get easier at it goes
uno theres books n stuff about peoples own journeys thru their recovery, mybe that will help?
x
109 rynelle // Mar 19, 2008 at 3:05 pm

okayy.. thanku so much
ill keep trying. i know i cant give up. and ur right, being that way isnt worth it. i just want the voice to go away and let me be me.
110 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 3:07 pm

it will eventually. just going to take its time, its goina fight hard
im goina get the name of the book that my counceller recomondedn i’lllet you know
its just about a womens own personal revoery story, but think it’ll be a gd help for both of us
sumtimes i just need to read, n feel tht imnot alone in this, and there are soo many people going thru the same thing.
x
111 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:51 am

Hey everyone! I just want to say how impressed I am with this website! As a 16 year old currently working on my recovery of anorexia, I can honestly say how great it is to find a website that is supporting recovery. That being said, I really do need some help, encouragement, and support in my own recovery. I have struggled with my eating disorder for about 3 years now, and this 3rd year has been completely focused on recovery. I never imagined how much stress, frustration, hopelessness, and unhappiness recovering would bring about. For about 6 months now, I really feel like I really come to a stand-still in my recovery. Physically, I am about half-way recovered, and mentally… well that can change from day to day if you know what I mean. I saw a therapist for a year, and that seemed to do NOTHING to help me. My biggest problem now is that I am CONSTANTLY thinking about food, calories, what I am eating, etc. It has become like ocd and consumes my life. I have strict schedules for eating and plan out my meals before I eat them. I feel so stuck and alone. My anorexia was mainly brought on by a rebelion towards my parents. I still feel like recovering would only be giving in to what they want. I am afraid of them seeing me recover since I know its want they want to see. I don’t feel comfortable at home and am basically miserable. I have no one to talk to about this other than my mom, and trust me, that’s not a good thing when she’s one of the reasons I’m hanging on to this. My environment (home) is such a block for me!! Please!! I need some help and support!! I just want to get rid of these thoughts!
112 Aliyah // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:54 am

heyy yeah it feels good to share ur story doesnt it
your doing well though,half way there all i think about is food, what im eating and how mny body looks too.
do u go to councelling or anything?
113 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:51 am

not anymore… that really didn’t seem to be helping me at all after going for one year. its just that ive been ‘halfway there’ for 6 months!! and my mental thoughts just seem all over the place! it gets so frustrating sometimes. and i really don’t trust my mom to talk to her and we really don’t get along, so its so hard to deal with everything without support.
114 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:54 am

ive heard that most people have at least one friend who they can talk to about this and trust and gives them support or whatever. but for me, i honestly don’t have ANYONE! augh! it gets really tough not having a friend in this!
115 Aliyah // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:57 am

heyy
i dont really have anyone
and half wy no matter what is a huge achievement, least u hve come this far!
i dont have one person i always go to for support, cause i dont feel anyone truely understands
you could maybe try a different counceller? it might be you just didnt click with the one you had.
what about the doctor, she was the person i first confided in, and helped me all along the way.
x
116 Heather // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:10 pm

im having such a hard time right now in need of someone to talk to it seems like all my head can think about it food and calories i hate it !! Is there a book anyone can recommend for me to read ive heard of some names but i cant remember them :S i just need some positive encouragement it sucks not having anyone to talk to about it!
117 Aliyah // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:18 pm

talk to anyone here.
i know what ur going through today, why dont u try writing down every day how you feel at all points of the day
try think of other things as much as you can, what hobbie do you have ? pay attention to them. go to the cinema with sumone for bit
also try the something fishy website, thats gd for tips and stuff
x
118 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 20, 2008 at 4:00 pm

thanks… yeah it gets soooo hard sometimes. well lets see, today i was just so frustrated and stressed out. my mom has become almost unbearable at times. she acts so stressed out about my problems, but doesn’t show me any support. i tell her that i need her to be strong for me, but i dont think she understands what i need. i tell her that this is my issue and my problem that im dealing with, and that it doesnt help to have her stressed out, but she definitely makes her frustrations obvious to me. im on spring break now, so that means ever longer days having to deal with this. my second oldest brother is also home from college, and he really never understood thing whole eating disorder. so having him thrown into the equation is a hindrance for me as well. i honestly make a huge effort not to say anything or complain about how difficult his presense makes things for me, but my mom fails to notice this and just focuses on how i spend way too much time in my room. she doens’t understand the sacrifices i have to make and how often i give in to make her happy. i get no empathy from anyone at home. today was pretty hard on me because i really felt bloated after lunch. i have a cold so im drinking a lot of fluids… add in my bagel for lunch and… waaahhlahh… you have a bloated and unhappy me!! that alone can ruin your day at times. luckily, ive gotten over being obsessed by the scale, but it seems like whenever i feel big/fat, i have the urge to weigh myself (i didnt, dont worry). but its really hard to remind myself that its just bloating, it doesnt matter, etc.

hmmm… hobbies… wweellll honestly? food/weight/eating/all that crud haha. so it seems… i think you probably understand where im coming from. but yeah, um i like reading, writing (not journals though omg ive tried), music, tennis, knitting, fashion, yoga, SHOPPING lol.
ya know, id love to go to the movies with someone… but i run into the problem that i actually don’t have anyone to go with.
augh, maybe you guys can help me sort out these thoughts
119 Aliyah // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:23 am

heyy
thts very insightful,. but you know i feel the exact same sometimes. my mum doesnt understand sometimes, im like im having a really bad day mum, and she jus says well do something to keep ur mind off it.
everytime u feel bad write it down, and write how u feel. sometimes reading it helps.you shouldnt weight urself, when i first started recovery, i weighed myself about 7 times a day, and it always flunctuated, with water and stuff and i used to freak out. now i dont weigh myself except for when my therapist does.
as with the social situation, anorexia isolated me, i became distant from most of my friends, but i can see as i am gettin better, i want to go out more n stuff so go online, make sum friends. something fishy website has chat rooms and stuff

i had a really filling lunch too, and i feel bloted but im keeping my mind of it, bycoming on this.
some of ur hobbies u dont need anyone, like kniting, listenin to music reading., lose yourself in music about ur family n stuff why dont u write a letter to ur mum, sumtimes its easier to say what u want in letter, i found that .

give it a shot, nd keep going, ur doingbrilliant!
x
120 rynelle // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:37 pm

hey heather..i TOTALLY understand where you’re coming from. i am 15 and recovering and i have that same home environment, except im an only child of a single mom, and the two of us do not get along, never have. it is definatly the biggest part of over coming this ed. sometimes being at home and having to deal with my mom just brings me back to phase one, u know? it sucks when u know that the most support should be coming from your family but yet thats just not happening.
with the bloating i find that it actually helps being around someone..someone you’re comfprtable with. if you can be around this person and feel happy and ..well the most like the real you without the ed, then it doesnt really matter if you’re a bit bloated bcuz they love you anyway and in the end it’s sorta worth it bcuz you may be bloated for a little while but you have energy! energy to be you!
we’re in the same boat..keep trying! seeing you succeed will help me and so many others do the same.
121 rynelle // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:39 pm

and aliyah..thanks so much, that book would be great! …my councellor doesnt seem to be helping me. i never feel i get anything out of the sessions
122 isabella mori // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:52 pm

rynelle, have you told your counsellor that the sessions don’t do much for you? maybe something to talk about?

i use a 5-point form with my face-to-face clients where i ask after each session whether it worked for them. wonder whether that might be helpful.
123 rynelle // Mar 21, 2008 at 6:04 pm

well i feel kinda wierd with my councellor, which probably doesnt help much, cuz my mom knows her through work so i feel like i have to be extra polite and act how i would with anyone else my mom has worked with..
124 isabella mori // Mar 21, 2008 at 9:47 pm

oh oh oh … have you talked to her about that? you know it would be totally and utterly unacceptable and unethical for her to talk to your mom about ANYTHING that goes in the session, right?

here in canada, a therapist who does not guard confidentiality could get a serious reprimand for that and in a lot of places, could lose a job over it.

even so it doesn’t sound like that’s a good fit for you. can you get a different counsellor?
125 rynelle // Mar 21, 2008 at 11:03 pm

well she told me that she is very careful with the file and with what she says to my mom, yes. but i think a lot of the underlying problems are to do with my mom and what has gone on with us. its hard for me to just say that to ppl who are counselling me, normally i just work off of the questions that they ask. since she has met my mom she wouldnt think to ask about our relationship bcuz on the outside it seems fine(even though my mom talks for me most of the times we are there together). i also dont think she would really hear and understand what i would be saying. i kinda feel as though she doesnt really take me seriously. i have also learned to just give up on tryin to explain to ppl how our relationship really is, after they have met my mom they dont think its possible.
my mom has also worked with all the other counsellors who work there..we had to search just to find one who she didnt know really really well..
but i agree. i feel like somethings not quite right for me
126 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 22, 2008 at 8:04 am

hey rynelle! omg yes, i know exactly what you mean about just being around my mom making me feel like im relasping in terms of mental thoughts!! it’s really hard because she always says like “how can you not know that i support you?” and “what do you mean, you don’t feel my support?” well how am i supposed to feel it if she never says it??? augh!! the only time we talk about it is when we need to change something in my recovery plan, and it always turns into a fight. i’ve tried just talking to her about this and voicing my feelings, but she gets REALLY stressed out and never seems to respond correctly to me. she doesn’t understand that all i need is someone to bounce my thoughts off of so i don’t go crazy. but she totally makes the whole deal her OWN issue, even after i tell her that the only way i’m going to recover is if it is purely my own issue and fought by me! i tend to use the words ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ a lot when it comes to my evironment and the people in it. when my mom is a ‘negative’ to me, it is sooo much harder for me to deal with this ed and feel comfortable with myself. the environment turns into a ‘negative’ as well. my dad is a whole other story that i really don’t want to get into. him and i don’t get along AT ALL!! i actually don’t talk to him anymore because it actually eases my mind, even though he lives in the same house as me. he did and said some terrible things to me during my eating disorder and refuses to take them back even now that i’m over that stage in my life. i guess i hold that against him, but it seriously is impossible not to. i tense up whenever he is around me, especially when im eating… i have actually almost gone into panic/aniexty attacks a couple of times. its so hard to figure out how to recover when everything is this difficult around me.

sorry to hear about your counselor too… to be honest, i never had luck with mine after a year and decided to quit it and am extremely glad i did. i felt that my physcologist was actually making me embrace the ed more than getting rid of it. after quitting, i noticed more and more advancements in my recovery. if things aren’t working out for you, id suggest stopping for a month or two and seeing how things go on ur own, and if nothing seems to be getting better, try another phycologist/therapist/counselor.
127 Aliyah // Mar 22, 2008 at 11:13 am

heyy hope everyones ok
im havina baddd day, my tumms sore, n i hardly had any lunch n jus had a big dinner now i feel fat n yucky

ryanelle, im seeing my counceller on thurs, so i;ll ask her about the book
how are you?x
128 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 22, 2008 at 7:48 pm

sorry to hear about your bad day aliyah… try going for a long walk with a friend or even an ipod. it will get your mind off ur tummy and make you feel a whole lot better
even try doing 20 sit-ups… i know that sounds weird, but it actually makes me feel a lot better sometimes. its obviously not excessive exercise or anything, yet it helps the whole ‘tummy issue’.
or take a long bath, give yourself a mani-pedi, etc. to relax! you deserve it!! don’t think of supper as a big meal… think of it as another step towards recovering. did you like what you ate?? then know that you had what you wanted and ENJOY it!! there is nothing wrong with eating a little more of what you like! thats NORMAL!! its a GOOD thing!! ur doing great! keep it up!!
129 Aliyah // Mar 23, 2008 at 2:20 pm

awww thx! i kinda needed that wee encuragement there
how r you?
xx
130 rynelle // Mar 23, 2008 at 10:38 pm

heather i totally understand! while reading what you said i cant stop nodding my head, i feel exactly the same way. i have had a couple anxiety attacks bcuz of the stress i feel from my mom..and its the same thing..she doesnt know how to react or deal with any of it. i know its hard for her aswell but it seems like our own mothers should know how to deal with their own daughters, right? its frustrating…i was really stressed out the other day and i got into a fight with my mom where she grabbed me by the arms and held me infront of her so i wouldnt walk away..totally making everything worse! sometimes i dont even want her support at all, i wish she could just not be a part of my life for a bit while i try to deal with this whole situation..i think i could accomplish a lot more if i didnt always have to come home to such a “negative” environment.

aliyah..i hope you’re okay, even though you feel your stomach is too full..the rest of your body is loving the extra food! especially if u didnt have much lunch. that is my problem alot..i spend all day trying to convince myself to eat but never actually eating and then by evening i have finally found enough reasons to eat so i eat too much and then feel grose.
and thanku..it would be nice to know of that book.
131 Aliyah // Mar 24, 2008 at 2:46 am

thx ryanelle, im feeling a bit better now
just need encouragement hope ur ok
x
132 rynelle // Mar 24, 2008 at 11:21 am

good. stay strong for the rest of us:)
i was just looking at some pictures of me and my friends from a couple months ago when i was skinnier…it makes me feel kinda crappy even though i know i wasnt happy when those pics were taken
133 Aliyah // Mar 24, 2008 at 11:58 am

ino what u mean
today when i was out, i can see that ive filled out a bit, i mean ive got a long way to go, but part of me isnt proud of it, uno what i mean?
its like why did u let urself fill out
but i suppose i want to be able to jus eat normally
and ryanelle, i guess we jus have to think how unhappy we were then.
but i guess when we;ve reached our goals and targets, we will look the best we ever have
and btw, used u had hard goals and stuff from the nutrionist? how are they going?
x
134 rynelle // Mar 24, 2008 at 2:21 pm

oh i know exactly what you mean. part of me is like why did u start eating when you did..you were doing so well, losing so much weight..i know the voice is wrong but its hard not to hear.
the goals are okay. some days it seems like no big deal and i’m proud when i eat what i am supposed to, but some days i just can’t eat no matter how much i want to want to …if that makes any sense
135 Aliyah // Mar 24, 2008 at 2:30 pm

yeah i totally get what you mean
butt your doing great
my diet still feels so limited, i mean its not like i can jus go out to a restaurant n order anything
everything has so much thought put into it. its so frustrating
but keep up the gd work u shud be proud no matter what
x
136 rynelle // Mar 24, 2008 at 4:14 pm

thanks you should be too! we have both come so far
137 Aliyah // Mar 26, 2008 at 3:00 am

heyy
im jus havin a crappy day i feel i need to vent out
my tummy feels all swollen, n the food im eating seems soo much
n i feel so large n big, n horrible. i feel soo fat i hate it.
my jeans are slowly becomin less n less loose. its not a nice feeling
138 rynelle // Mar 26, 2008 at 10:19 am

hey aliyah
feel free to vent as much as needed
the swollen tummy is something i know well..and no, it is not fun at all.
in this process feeling fat and grose is something that is bound to happen, but just know that you’re not! you are strong and amazing and wonderful! remind yourself of that. try (and i know it’s hard) to not think of your jeans getting tighter as u getting bigger, but becoming beautiful!
You matter to this world, aliyah. stay strong, i believe in you!
x
139 Aliyah // Mar 26, 2008 at 10:24 am

awww thank you
how are u coping just now?
what i hate is howim trying to hard to eat, and then like at lunch times, i see girls not eating anything or eating like an apple, n i jus wanna shout at them, nd say eat properly or your gonna end up worse!
i also hate how all my weights just gone to my tummy and waist

x
140 rynelle // Mar 26, 2008 at 5:01 pm

oh i know. when i see girls doing that i feel the exact same way! and when they are perfectly healthy and thin but are saying they are fat..ugghh it makes me really upset.
i am doing okay..today when i see myself i see a fat girl. hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.
141 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 27, 2008 at 6:43 am

augh! ik what you guys are talking about with the girls not eating lunch at school! it makes me feel terrible about myself sometimes!! its like OMG just EAT something! u are not fat and ur making me feel terrible for eating this huge lunch! that is definitely a stresser for me.

wow i have had an interesting week so far… omg my mom and i are just NOT getting along. things at home are just SO stressful and i just don’t feel like i have anyone to express my emotions and talk things out with! i feel like i am taking steps backwards every minute. my mom just has no idea what to do for me, and i don’t feel like i can trust her anymore. it makes it so hard to be in the same house as her. the two of us went on an overnight shopping trip for my 16th bday from monday until tuesday and i thought it would be a great way to destress and get away, but everything just ended up following me… mostly because my mom was with me, but still! its so hard sometimes!
142 isabella mori // Mar 27, 2008 at 7:37 am

hi everyone … just wondering … if you could say anything to your mom … what would it be? and in an ideal case scenario, how would she respond?
143 rynelle // Mar 27, 2008 at 10:40 am

i understand completely heather! being in my house with my mom is definatly the most stressful part of everything that is going on right now. actually..being around her has ALWAYS been the most stressful thing in my life. when i first decided to get help with this my mom didnt know and the ppl i feel closest to told me i had to tell her and that our relationship would get stronger bcuz of it..now my mom knows and our relationship is definatly NOT better! being with her makes me soo anxious and nervous. i wish she could just leave my life for a while until i have a handle on things and am ready to try and deal with her(sounds mean i know, i dont want to feel like that but i do)
144 Aliyah // Mar 27, 2008 at 10:52 am

awwww im not alone then in my thinking! that makes me feel so much beter.
my T sesstion was gd todaay, i got weighed an it was the exact same, meaning my weight has stabalised n now i have to get my mp increased. scarrrrry thought. and about ur mums, is trying to explain your situation and feelings not any help? like telling them How YOU want them to help and suport you, rather than them doing it their way which isnt seem to be helping.
My mum leaves me too it, and just asks every now an then how i am, how im eating, how im feeling… which i find the best way.
145 rynelle // Mar 27, 2008 at 9:26 pm

yeah i wouldnt mind it as much if she sorta stayed out of it and then asked once in a while. maybe then i might not mind talking about it more with her, but i hate always being watched and critisized…and alot of the things we fight about dont even have anything to do with eating, i know they are BECAUSE of it(though she says they’re not) but they arent ABOUT it
146 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 28, 2008 at 9:35 am

see the thing with me is that my mom kept asking what she could do to help me. so i told her… i said to listen when i want to talk, not to critisize, to not contradict me when i’m talking, to try to do things in the environment to make it more comfortable for me, to be someone i can just goof around with, etc… so she said YES i can handle each one of those every time i would ask her (i only asked one at a time and waited for her do each). but the thing is, she NEVER came through for me. id ask her ‘mom can you handle doing this for me?’ she’d say ‘yes i know i can. i can do this for you.’ but she NEVER does. she just stays with her old ways. so now i honestly have NO trust in her word. that makes it impossible for me to talk to her, if i don’t trust her. so now i asked her ‘ok mom, so what CAN you actually do for me? what CAN you handle?’ and she keeps telling me that she has no idea what i need. its like an endless circle of frustration. i feel like im getting no where in recovering from my eating disorder and only trying to fix things with my mom (which isn’t even working). at this point i am just so stressed and frustrated with her! ive had it!
so rynelle, i definitely understand where you’re coming from when you say about the fights ‘because’ of it, not ‘about’ it anymore!! its such a stress!
and aliyah… whats a mp? srry im not too good with termonology… hehe
and yes… i try to explain the situation to her alllll the time and tell her what she needs to be doing, but she just doesn’t understand. i dont know where to turn!
147 Aliyah // Mar 28, 2008 at 3:11 pm

hey a mp is a meal plan
148 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 28, 2008 at 5:39 pm

oh ok lol srry i didnt know. wow, that must be scarey for you! feel free to vent… ill listen ! ik how hard increasing can be, but just think, every time you increase, you’re that much closer to finishing this crap and getting on with your life!! ik it seems impossible, but try to think of it as an accomplishment. your doing great and staying in charge of those bad thoughts!! U ARE IN CHARGE! yay!! good luck and im here if you ever want to talk!
149 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2008 at 3:24 am

awwww thankss !
yeah im ok, i feel mor ein control as i get better n better
so far ove put on 8 pounds, and i feel better. still a long way to go yet!
what about you, like weight wise how far have u gotten? just keep reminding urself, of what ujust told me, when u have a bad day ok
hope ur having a gdday today, u deserve it
x
150 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 29, 2008 at 7:01 am

well to be honest… ive basically been half-way recovered weight-wise for almost a year now. i just can’t seem to push myself to keep going, especially with everything else going on that im struggling with mentally with this eating disorder and with my parents. for me, its a accomplishment right now just to be able to maintain. its not that i DON’T want to recover physically, its that it is too much for me to handle both mental and physical issues right now, so i guess i’m focusing on mental as long as my weight isn’t a health scare now. I was at 70 pounds just a year ago, so trust me, ive come a LONG way lol.
151 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2008 at 8:36 am

awww yeah i totally get you, its a longgg process, but like u sed uve come such a long way, n uve done AMAZING, just keep maintaining. u will get there one day
im always here for any time u need encouragement and that,
how are u today?
152 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 29, 2008 at 8:58 am

i guess im ok today. my parents are out of town so i’ve got the house to myself today. its such a relief. but honestly, i still feel their presence. that probably sounds weird, but it still feels like they’re here and i don’t want to do anything differently or work on anything for helping myself. its so hard to recover as a teenager because of having your parents constantly looming over you. more than anything, id just love to relax for once! but yeah, otherwise i guess today is an ok day for me… just dealing mainly with ‘mom’ problems right now.

how about you? everything going ok?
153 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2008 at 9:17 am

yeah ino what u mean, im a teen too, how old aare you?
im 17, nearly 18. i think u shud relax! just have a nicee long bath, use sum candles that kinda thing.
my day was fine yeah. feeling hungry quite a lot now, jus waiting to see dietician to get my mp increased.
154 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 29, 2008 at 11:48 am

yeah, i just turned 16 last week… and got my driver’s license hehe! dont worry about the feeling hungry… thats good!! it means ur body is adjusting correctly to the food! it honestly is a good sign. think of how our bodies acted before when we NEVER felt hunger or when we just started putting and weight and were CONSTANTLY stuffed. that was NOT good. but your body is obviously doing great in its recovery!! when do you see ur dietician? how often do you have to go to her?

and i think i just might try to relax! lol i think snuggling up with a good book and candles sounds perfect!

but now think of it this way… if your almost 18, that means u are almost out of ur parent’s shadow. think how great that will feel and how much that will help u!
155 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2008 at 12:03 pm

yeahh
ermm i see my dietician about once every two weeks, and same with my counceller. I dont find councelling a great help, but it gives me a wee motivation boost and stuff. I really have to keep getting better, cause i plan to go to uni this year, so i want to be fighting fit
hope u have a nice nite relaxing n stuff.
x
156 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 30, 2008 at 5:24 am

thats great that your so committed to recovering! trust me, with that attitude you will have NO problem fighting this and moving on with your life!

so what are you thinking about studying at uni?
157 Aliyah // Mar 30, 2008 at 10:57 am

awww thanks
im going to be doing Psychology, i wanted to do clinical and help other girls with eating disorders, but im not sure just now. psychology anyways

what about u, what ar u doing jus now?
x
158 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 30, 2008 at 11:36 am

im actually taking a psychology class this semester at my high school. the whole field is pretty interesting. and with having this disorder in your past, you will without a doubt do great in that area! ik how you feel with helping other girls with eating disorders… you really want to and think you could really help because you can obviously understand them, but it would be difficult to handle at times and you’re just not sure you want to put yourself through this again. id say just look deep into all the aspects of psychology and take advantage of all the psych classes your university offers and see what fits you best! maybe it will be eating disorders, but maybe you’ll find a whole new area you never even thought of!

for me, ik im definitely doing something with english/writing. personally, i’d love to be a fashion journalist, but they get paid like crap lol. im #1 in my sophmore class of 290 kids, so i keep hearing how im wasting my mind on something like journalism and how i should be a heart surgeon or go to harvard for law lol. it gets pretty tough to deal with that, but im hanging onto my gut feeling and sticking to my writing.

how are things going for you today?
159 Aliyah // Mar 30, 2008 at 12:31 pm

awww gd for you! stick to what ur good at, stick tyo what u wanna do!

yeh not bad, had a nice dinner n stuff. the thing with me is im so short, i dnt really look as thin, as maybe sumone really taall n my weight, so people dnt percieve me as anorexic sumtimes whoch is gd. but like my frend sed to me today u look lovely, dnt change.
and its like i have too…

what about you?
160 rynelle // Mar 30, 2008 at 8:23 pm

wow..its so great to see your guys goals for the future..or at least what you are thinking about. its motivating.
161 Aliyah // Mar 31, 2008 at 2:02 am

awww thats good
wht are ur goals and stuff for the future? how are you?
162 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 31, 2008 at 2:14 pm

wow… thats GOT to be hard on you to hear your friend tell you not to change!! but just stick to what you’re doing… u ARE doing the right thing by keeping going!! only YOU are going to know what’s right for yourself, so don’t let others get to you.

for me, i have people telling me that i am looking so much ‘better’ and so ‘healthy’. for me, that’s the hardest part… because i think there will always be a part of me that says ‘NO! you don’t want to be better or healthy! you don’t want to look like that again!’ its so hard because i really feel like have nothing going for me in my life at this point, whether i recover or not. i come from a VERY conservative town/school and this eating disorder has caused me to become a complete outcast. i will never get to experience a normal teenage life, whether i recover or not. so a lot of times, that just really seems to hold me back because this eating disorder has become a part of my life… without it, i would have NO life. and my family obviously knows all about this eating disorder, so i am so prejudged with them. it just really gets hard to deal with!
163 Aliyah // Mar 31, 2008 at 2:20 pm

omg ino what u mean about the voice. its liek if i put on a pound, i fel secretly anoyed an angry. like why why are u doin this

awwwwwwwww but uno deep inside, the thing that u have going for u is personal satisfaction.
to prove to urself u can do this, cause u can
jus think having a lif without an ED is what u have to look fwd too. so u can make new frends, be able to go out to dinner n stuff

im havina crappy day, ino this sounds so weird, but i had sum liek buble gum, like a a couple of bits, at nite , n i feel like ive eaten too much:S like omg extra calories for no reason. its not on the mp y are u havin it

its odd
hope ur havin a gd day
164 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 31, 2008 at 5:48 pm

don’t feel that way!! you aren’t alone!! trust me, its totally normal to feel like that! it CAN get overwhelming sometimes. thats why i HAD to stop will mp. now, all i do is on sunday write down my one main item for each meal/snack for every day for the week and allow myself to fill in with whatever i want to get in what i need when the time comes to have that meal. that way, i am being more normal about it, choosing what i want in the moment, and not hating myself for having want a actually want. maybe you should consider something like that. but yeah, i have definitely felt that way, and often. like ‘omg why did i stick that piece of gum in my mouth’ or ‘why did i have that mint’. its going to do absolutely NOTHING to me, but yet it BUGS me like CRAZY!! but TRY not to beat yourself up about it. seriously, just go for a walk, do some sit ups or jumping jacks, at then get busy with someone else or something else… distract yourself. ik how hard it can get, but thats just something we’re gonna have to deal with i guess. all we can do is make the best of it!

and thanx so much for the encouragement. its just so hard to find it in myself sometimes. and ya know what? we can be friends right now, AND when this is all over !

try to enjoy the rest of your night! what time zone are you in? lol im in central… i live in Wisconsin (augh i hate it here… we have a winter storm tonight… in APRIL!)
165 rynelle // Mar 31, 2008 at 9:31 pm

my goals? well its funny..im really into psychology as well but idk what kind of job i would do with that. theres also always a part of me that wants to do something with dance but its extremely hard to make a good career out of being a dancer so i cant really set my mind on that. there are tons of things i love and am interested in i just dont know wat kinda job i would be good at u know? im not sure what i am going to do
166 Aliyah // Apr 1, 2008 at 6:38 am

ohh err time zone i dunno! hahah
ermm i live in glasgow in scotland if thts anyhelp!
yeah defo, we can help eachg other n stuff
u have msn ?
ryanelle yeah ino what u mean, aree u more creatove or academic?
x
167 rynelle // Apr 1, 2008 at 8:53 am

both really..i have top grades but i’ve always had a thing for the arts. i love dancing, singing etc. but i have much less of a chance making a good career out of that. following through with academics seems like it makes the most sense.
168 Aliyah // Apr 1, 2008 at 9:09 am

yeah ino what u mean
but u can always have your creative arty bit on the side, like keep going to dance lessons n stuff. maybe teach them as en extra.
how have u been anyway?

i jus had dinner, feel soo fulllll. jus washin it down with sum tea, and writing on this, to help me feel a bit better
x
169 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 1, 2008 at 11:50 am

write away aliyah! lol wow… scotland!? guess we wont be running into each other any time soon hehe! but yup i DO have msn. my email for that is purplegirl149@hotmail.com don’t make fun lol i made that email when i was like 7. but yeah, definitely add me, itd be nice to have more of a conversation sometime! r u big into tea?? for me, my thing is starbucks… omg i am obsessed with their frappuccinos. lol when they came out with the bottled ones that you can buy in the grocery store, well lets just say i was totally in heaven. we had a snowday today so NO SCHOOL!! the weather here is just terrible! but what can you do… that’s wisconsin for ya! well be sure to add me! id love to talk online! have a great day!
170 Aliyah // Apr 1, 2008 at 12:28 pm

wow
we jus get a lot of rain
yeh ill add ye
x
171 rynelle // Apr 1, 2008 at 9:04 pm

im doing alright. the last week or so have been kinda tough. but im working through it..its minute by minute really lol
172 Aliyah // Apr 2, 2008 at 8:11 am

yeah just keep up the gd work though.
everyone has their bad days, jus make sure udont feel alone, cause u are not!
x
173 Aliyah // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:15 am

heyy sorry i need a rant
i feel so horrible today, i wentout to buy my bday dress n heardly nything fitted but i still feel so FAT. n i feel like i had wayyy to much at dinner, n its like all i can think about.
all my weights gone to my hips n tummy . n i can see a change in my legs. its gross
174 rynelle // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:35 am

stay strong..push through. i know how u feel. my legs have gained so much muscle from dance and i know its all muscle but it still looks aweful to me. and i have put the most weight on around my stomach..i dont like it at all! and lately i have noticed a change in my arms too:( some people are telling me i look better but i think i look fat
175 Aliyah // Apr 2, 2008 at 11:03 am

I know EXACTLY how u feel
my mum sed u look much better, now, much healthier
n i just smile
butt deep down inside im like aaaaaaargh i hte myself.
but we cant let anorexia wwin right!?
176 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 2, 2008 at 2:15 pm

NO! never let the anorexia take over again! YOU ARE STONG AND YOU ARE IN CONTROL!! you are NOT fat!!! all that your seeing is muscle and healthiness!!! you are beautiful and dont let anything make you think otherwise!! keep up your strength!! keep fighting!! you WILL win!!
177 Heather // Apr 3, 2008 at 4:13 am

hey guys been a while since ive posted anything … i kind of just read your guys conversation and get inspired to stay on track with my eating and realize im not alone .. let me just say that you guys are truly inspiratonational , reading what your going through lets me realize that im not alone and that what im feeling is not completley abnormal. just a question is there anything that you guys could recommend for rebuilding muscle ? ive lost so much muscle and need to do something to get it back i was thinking along the lines of yoga or pilates ? sound good or is there something better?
178 Aliyah // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:45 am

hey heather, sorry about msn last nite my internet cut me off, so n i culdnt get back on. just in cse u thought i was rude…

yeah defo just keep going, u are not alone, n u are in control!

no idea abot muscle though sadly, google it?
x
179 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 3, 2008 at 2:09 pm

hey heather! (like ur name hehe). about ur muscle question… your body definitely will have to build up muscle before you put on ANY fat. so some helpful hints are to eat lots of protein and HEALTHY fats which include the unsaturated fats polyunsatured and monounsaturated (avoid saturated whenever possible and cut out trans fats). some great sources are any nuts, cashews, peanut butter, and ensures (a nutritional drink).
as for exercising… yoga and pilates are both great (i actually did both of them) as long as you dont get too strenuous with them. if you get out of breath, you are working too hard and u actually will NOT be helping urself in ur situation. so in other words, cardio is not good right now. try lifiting weights (start with 3 or 5 pound dumb-bells), doing lunches, squats, crunches, donkey kicks, and going for walks!! all great!!
180 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 3, 2008 at 2:15 pm

i meant to say lunges at the end… not lunches lol
181 Debrah // Apr 3, 2008 at 6:37 pm

I am a fifty year old woman who has had an eating disorder for 36 years. I finally sought treatment two years ago.

I was always clinically depressed and my GP tried numerous medications from the Tricyclics to SSRI’s to SNRI’s. They worked somewhat, but I still felt I was swathed in cotton.

This feeling became the status quo for me.

When I started on Nardil, I had my doubts. After about five days, a sudden flicker, if only for a second, occurred.

Clarity. Then gone. The next day, a little more then a little more.

Within two weeks, I felt alive. And I cried for such a long time. It was as though all those feelings I had not ‘felt’ came out.

The side effects soon caught up with me. While the dietary restrictions I can live with, the medication caused edema. I was so frightened the Doctor was going to take me off the medication.

Instead, she dropped it in half and added L-Tryptophan to increase the effects but minimize the side effects.

I cannot recall the last time I purged. I do, however, struggle with Anorexic thinking. I am now aware of it, whereas before I was not.

I cannot be in a room with a lot of food still. It is not that I worry that I am going to binge. In fact, I lose my appetite (a learned behaviour that is difficult to change). I just think there is so much food and it is overwhelming to see.

I have social issues as well. I am a beautiful woman that looks very much like Betty Page and I get asked out on a frequent basis. However, I just cannot do it. I get anxious and worried and work myself up.

These are the things I am working on in therapy and I will be starting Group this month.

The other thing I do is give discussions to Med Students, Psych Students, Nursing students, Dental Students and Dietary students.
182 Aliyah // Apr 4, 2008 at 12:51 am

awwwwwwwww wow, thats amazing, u giving discussions, doing something so positive.
how about councelling?
I get anxious nd really worried soo esily too. Im just hoping its something thts going to gradually fade.
did you go through like bulimia and anoreixa?
183 rynelle // Apr 4, 2008 at 8:56 am

ugh today isnt such a good day..have no appetite at all. but somehow i keep managing to force myslef to eat. im getting stronger i think but sometimes i get sooo mad at myslef for it. its like i dont want to be able to fight it.
184 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 4, 2008 at 1:54 pm

hey rynelle… don’t get down on urself! think how far you’ve come!!! you’re doing AMAZING and you are WINNING!! you’re fighting and coming out STRONG!! you DO want to fight it!! think how horrible your life was before this! you DON’T want to go back to that!! you are SOOO strong!! no one but us can understand how strong and what we go through to fight this, but WE know. and we will continue to fight and get beyond all this. you’re doing amazing and dont back down!!
185 rynelle // Apr 4, 2008 at 8:54 pm

thankyou:) just that helps alot.
i feel like im about to break down and start crying all the time! i hate it soo much. i just want things to be fixed and for me to be able to live without this problem
186 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 5, 2008 at 6:37 am

augh! i COMPLETELY understand. i just want to be NORMAL!!! i dont WANT these thoughts anymore!!! i just want to move on with my life! but the only way we can do that is to KEEP FIGHTING! i DO break down crying all the time. its so frustrating!! i get anxiety issues just thinking of being in certain situations and missing a snack/meal or eating too much or whatever!! it takes time to recover and its going to be a LONNGGGG hard road. but we’re in this together and we can get through it!
187 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 5, 2008 at 6:44 am

rynelle… do you have msn or yahoo messenger?
188 rynelle // Apr 6, 2008 at 10:30 pm

oh i know..i get anxiety too! it makes it so much worse when you know that most ppl would never have that much trouble with something that seems so small. so then you’re mad at yourself for being so stressed out about it. and yes, i have msn its ryn114_@hotmail.com
189 Aliyah // Apr 7, 2008 at 3:11 am

hey guys
just keep holding on, keep going. you are al strong and caan do it.
i get anxious too, all the time. but if your worried about missing snacks cause say your going out, or something take something with you. i always have a ceral bar in my bag, in case i get caught up somewhere. just remember you not alone. u are both doing great, and deserve success!

I had a challenging weekend. my 18th birthday, nd i havent eaten properly in days. not intentionally, just because ive been out n about and at friends, and everyone has such different eating habits to mine.
i feel a bit deflated, and i am not lookin foward to being weighed, causei feel i have lost some. a long time ago, that would have thrilled me! but notnow .

x
190 *Heather* // Apr 8, 2008 at 2:04 pm

you guys can’t even imagine how glad i am that i’m not alone in the whole anxiety thing. it is such a problem for me. like eating at a different time or even thinking about missing a snack or meal just freaks me out! i sooooo hope that will change… like REALLY soon. people think its so weird and its so hard to explain something like that to anyone else. they just can’t understand how i feel.
191 Aliyah // Apr 9, 2008 at 10:10 am

i know hwow you feel dont worry
i jus had my bday and my food was ll over the place, but its like its never always goint o be perfect and its just a case of going ok so i will have to have the snack a bit later or eat a bit more to make up for it.
just do what feels right, n try not to panic.
its just how things go
x
192 Aliyah // Apr 10, 2008 at 11:54 am

im havin such a badd day
i feel as if i ate too much
i feel so fat
its like i can feel it all on my body
193 daisy // Apr 15, 2008 at 6:20 pm

hey everyone im back
well i recently developed a binge eating problom…no im not binging and purging…but i am excessivly eating and i cant control it. i need help please does anyone have any ideas???!??!?!
194 daisy // Apr 15, 2008 at 10:52 pm

okay so its 11:51 pm and i officialy had my LAST binge ever
im gonna take control
i dont know what is wrong with me
195 Aliyah // Apr 16, 2008 at 4:31 am

heyy
to stp bingeeing, only put out the food in front of you that you will eat. dnt put out more.
that wy you know what u have to eat, and bingeing behaviours wont develop.
how about also thinkin how bad you feel after bingeing and think, everything in moderation.

small bits of everything
x
196 daisy // Apr 16, 2008 at 10:16 am

yeaj i do feel really bad after a binge. thats a great idea and im going to do that. i think that its hard keeping up with myself. first going on th extream of one thing and now another. i really just want to be a healthy teenager. and im way too young to have gone through all of this

thanks aliyah
your always a help
197 Aliyah // Apr 16, 2008 at 11:34 am

ino what y mean
i used to binge n how i stopped was puttin out what i need to eat.
also jus to think about how bingeing has no benefits. as soon as u eat the calories are abosrbed.
good luck!
x
198 daisy // Apr 16, 2008 at 1:28 pm

i just wanted to say that i found this really meaningful song about anorexia by a band called superchick, its called courage…it was really emotional when i heard it…so i just thought maybe you wan to check it out.
:-]
199 rynelle // Apr 17, 2008 at 10:26 am

i know the feeling of going from one extreme to the other as well. for a short while when i first started trying to eat again thats what happend to me. it seemed to fade out after a while though. it might just have been my body wanting and needing all the food but i never felt satisfied. its not like that anymore but i do find that if im not careful about eating regularly throughout the day then at the end of the day when if i am able to eat i will deffinatly eat more than i should though its not really bingeing. its not nearly as much as i would eat before.
200 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2008 at 2:02 am

hey guys
justa wee motivatgional push!
uz are doing so so well
anytime u feel down and bad just remember its the ED talking.

you are in control of yourselves
201 daisy // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:22 am

im finding myself dieting again…
i hate this mess
:-[
202 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:33 am

no no no you dont need to diet
dieting isnt going to help
chaanging your eating habiits is
what makes u feel like u need to diet? question yourself.
think of how you want to recovered and have ‘normal’ eating haabits
203 daisy // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:33 am

okay so i was reading back at *Heather*s comment and i really understand where shes coming from. having my eating disorder is hard enough. on top of it i have a family that doesnt understand and cant give me some understanding. my mom, no matter how she “tires” cant relax. she always hurts and stresses about me. my older sister is the same way. then my brother, i know he obviously understands but he steers away from the issue and gets angry rather then help me out. suprisingly, my dad is the only one that can usually calm me down. and im a teenager, all of my friends lives revolve arounf eating and partying. and u cant do one without the other. i hope somone can give me some advice.
please :-I
204 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:36 am

i think you should write letters to them about how you feel
tht way you get it off your chest n you can let all your emotions out.

ino how u feel about your friends. the people around me go out get drunk, go out to places 2 eat, and im in my little routine of eating at certain times and feeling awful sometimes.

but you can overcome if you push yourself
life is worth so much more
205 daisy // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:44 am

i think no matter what im always goning to have something in the back of my head telling me i am overweight. i mean i am at an average healthy weight right now and i have been recovering for over a year. but sometimes i just want to turn around. and maybe just being at a healthy weight right now is just “fat” in my “anorexic daisy’s” head. idk it has to grow out of me. i just want to be normal -__-
206 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2008 at 10:45 am

i know what you mean
its jus the ed tryin to be mean! its trying to destroy what uve achieved n dont let it!
u need to say well actually im not fat im a healthy normal weight
argue back to it! u know deeeeep down you are not FAT. Healthy! n that is the way to be.
207 rynelle // Apr 18, 2008 at 11:14 pm

hey okay i was just wondering…has anyone else had really extreme mood swings? like i cant control it. if i used to be in a bad mood i could just find a way to suck it up and go on with whatever i was doing but now it interfears with everything! sometimes i can be really happy and positive but other times im either really sad and on the verge of tears for hours at a time or im mad at myself and everything around me..
208 Aliyah // Apr 19, 2008 at 1:15 am

yeah i get it ALOT ! I feel sorry for the people around me!
its like one minute im happy and feeling so good
then next minute i feel so annoyed and bad and just kinda take it out on everyone

i guess they would just go, as your body gets healthier?
209 *Heather* // Apr 19, 2008 at 6:58 am

yeah, i think the mood swings are pretty common. we have so much going on and so many emotions controlling us that i think it would be hard NOT to feel those ups and downs. it gets so hard sometimes, but we just have to keep our goals in mind and learn to deal with life as it comes.

daisy- ik how hard the whole ‘family’ issue can be. at least you have ur dad to somewhat rely on. i really have no one, but i still don’t let that get to me. i realize that this is the issue im dealing with, and at this point in time, my environment just isn’t going to magically change. im stuck where i am (at home) with the people around me (my family) for the next two years, so i just have to suck it up, knowing that my life will be a lot better once i can get out on my own. i think ive found that the more normal i act and talk around my family and the better i get, the more my family seems to trust me. therefore, they seem to step back, stop making it so much of an issue, and leave it more to me so i can focus completely on myself and my recovery. try telling your mom that it makes it SOOO much harder for you to recover knowing that she is making it into her OWN issue, rather than leaving it up to you to deal with. this is your issue and your concern, and as long as you are in control, she has no reason to turn it into her issue or to worry about you. try it! whats the worst she could say?
210 rynelle // Apr 19, 2008 at 8:43 am

okay so this is normal..good. some people must think im crazy or something! cuz yeah, all teenagers have mood swings but not like this! the emotions are so intense i cant even bare it sometimes. and i have no idea how to control them or get passed them. for that reason it seemed easier when i wasnt eating..cuz then i wasnt really aware of any feelings at all.
211 Aliyah // Apr 19, 2008 at 10:03 am

ino how you feel but its normal!
when do u feel ur moods are worst? when ur hungry? when uve eaten?

mines jus come and go
if i think i ate too much i get in a bad mood etc. i i havent eaten then my moods are all over the place.

i also want to tell everyone cause im prouddd that i made a list of my fear foods and one by one im going to conquer them.
today i ate a full fat sandwich i ddint go buy sum low fat version
n it was pretttty good
but i cnt help it but think omg ive put on loadsa weight but ino its jus anoreixa
x
212 rynelle // Apr 19, 2008 at 11:02 am

mine come and go like that too. i never know if my mood will actually be better if i eat bcuz that can sometimes make it worse.

good for you for being determined to stand up to your fear of certain foods! i find sandwhiches work well for me. they can have everything you need all bundled up together lol and i’ve gotten better at having just regular mayo..instead of light or none at all. it’s a;so really great that you can see when it’s the anorexia talking..that gives you alot more control
213 *Heather* // Apr 20, 2008 at 5:25 am

exactly! don’t think of it as loads of weight!! its NOT!!! all you are doing is fighting a horrible disease and getting control over yourself again! i am so proud of you for handling that sandwich! think how mad the anorexia is!! haha!! you’re doing great!!
214 Aliyah // Apr 20, 2008 at 10:33 am

thanks!
we can all do it!reaally i know we can

how are you?
215 Becca // Apr 22, 2008 at 8:52 am

Im doing a project on anorexia nervosa, do you know any recovered anorexics i could interview?

Please email me back, our project is due in 15 days and we need someone to interview.
216 Becca // Apr 22, 2008 at 8:53 am

Im doing a project on anorexia nervosa, do you know any recovered anorexics i could interview?

Please email me back, our project is due in 15 days and we need someone to interview. Any one interested

beccaschubert12@gmail.com
217 Aliyah // Apr 22, 2008 at 9:07 am

no sorry dont know any recovered ones.
but i dont mind helpin or anything, im currently RECOVERING.
x
218 rynelle // Apr 22, 2008 at 10:25 am

yeah same here. i would love to help out if i could. but again im not recovered, just recovering…will that work?
219 rachael // Apr 22, 2008 at 7:17 pm

hii i need help, i dont knwo if im truely anorexic but since ive been at college i have lost ten pounds and i still feel like im getting fatter….i also have gotten acid reflux because i lost wiehgt i think, i try to talk to my freinds and family but no one understands im so frustrated and confused i need help how do i know if i am truely anorexic and i want to gain wiehgt but i dont….its hard help me please
220 rachael // Apr 22, 2008 at 7:45 pm

hi again, i also wanted to add in that i am 5′5” 103 pounds, but i feel like everytime after i eat my stomach gets huge, i do eat b/c i know i have to but its just so hard and i get so frustrated at time i was wondering that if i start to gain wiehgt again will all the fat just go to my stomach or will it eventually get distributed throughout my boyd, if no one knows that doesnt matter im just looking for someone to talk to and help me and understand what im goign through i always try to talk to my boyfrined about it but he doesnt understand and just tells me to not worry about food and getting fat but thats all that is ever on my mind i think i want to get professional help but its hard for me to talk to people face to face and i dont think itll help,
please get abck to me… thank you
221 Aliyah // Apr 23, 2008 at 1:25 am

heyy rachel, it sounds like u have food isuues, no one can be sure if its anorexia or bulimia, but yeah u need to get help.
i was always always scared too, but i did and im wellll on my way to recovery.
not eating, is never going to solve any problems, and you probably see yourself as fat and you most certainly are not.
you dont want food thoughts to take over your life, so go to a doctor or maybe the school nurse? just someone you can confide in. check out somethingfishy wesbite too. lots of good info on that
x
222 isabella mori // Apr 23, 2008 at 5:34 am

hi rachael, this is isabella here, i’m a counsellor and run this web site. the support here among these people is wonderful, and i, too, encourage you to also check out somethingfishy.org.

agree with aliyah – for now it doesn’t matter what label you give to what you’re going through. what matters is that you’re reaching out – and it’s great to have you here!

making that first step to see a health professional can be scary. if you need support with that, we’re here for you.

i’ll also email you, if you want to talk some more privately.
223 rachael // Apr 23, 2008 at 3:16 pm

THank you both so much!i went on somethingfishy and read a bunch of those games and ill prob even do some, i was in a positive mood all day and did really good today!! ill prob keep posting here it has helped me a lot in just one day haha thank you everyone
224 Aliyah // Apr 24, 2008 at 12:56 am

just kee[ it upp wer all here for you, n u are not ALONE x
225 rynelle // Apr 24, 2008 at 8:09 am

hi rachael. this is a great place, i find it actually helps alot. it’s good you posted! it’s also really great that you have noticed there are some problems happening already and you want to fix them.
the reason your stomach feels huge and full when you eat is probably bcuz you havent been eating normally, or very much. your body isnt used to it right now. it’s definatly not fat though…it’s your stomach bloating. when i started eating again that happened to me aswell. in fact it still happens but not as often and not usually as bad. it will pass but you have to work through it. it sucks, i know but it is completely worth it
good luck
226 rachael // Apr 24, 2008 at 7:04 pm

Hi again, thank you all so much haha yea that bugs me about my stomach cause usually i get in an attitude wehre i go…i need to gain weight and im goign to do it so i usually am good for a coupel days but then my stomach is always huge after i eat like normal instead of nothing you know? so i get discouraged but by you telling me all this i will try to deal and ive been good for two days eating sooo ah i hope it all goes well and this has been helping mee thank you how is everyone else btw? haha
227 Aliyah // Apr 25, 2008 at 6:09 am

well donee!
eat small bits regularly, it works a TREAT. it stops bloating, well lessens it anyways. worked great for me n now i can eat much bigger bits without feelin too bloated. eat yogurts too like activia and that to help aid digestion, and dont drink with ur meals just now, try have some food, then a bit later to have a drink. i found when i did both i got wayy to bloated. and eat slow!

ur doingg greattt
228 rachael // Apr 25, 2008 at 5:38 pm

yea i will try smaller meals, the bloating makes me feel the same old feelings, im afraid im at a low right now….i ate well a whole lot today haha not good and my stomach right now feels hugee…and my attitude right now is that im “fat” and i dont need to gain wiehgt, i find myself a lot of times examining my body and contemplating whether i need to gain weight or loose it and right now i feel like i dont need to gain any and diet or eat less again :/ i mean the day is over so well see how i am tomorrow cause ill try eating smaller meals, i just dont understand why my stomach gets so huge and it doesnt distribute evenly to where it needs to be i want that perfect flat stomach and i dunno whyyy….but im on somethingfishy right now so hopefully it helps and i get in a better moood…if anyone is on and wants to chat i think ill be up for awhile
229 Aliyah // Apr 26, 2008 at 12:33 pm

yeahhh listen, at the beginning, n i guess im still at this stage, all my weights gone to my tummy n waist, it ssomething that passes in time. it will go!
just keep going, dont listen to the voices telling u are fat u re not
today i ate quite a lot too, n i feel fat, n i ws standing examining myself in the mirror n my dad camein and said aliyah u are not fat, only you cnt see it.

x
230 rynelle // Apr 27, 2008 at 10:07 pm

uggh lately i just want to cry..all the time. like i just wanna let everything go you know? but i dont know who to talk to about it cuz i hate putting my problems onto other ppl. its so frustrating! i keep alot of how i am really feeling to myself so its like no one really knows whats going on with me though alot of ppl seem to think they know..idk what to do
231 Aliyah // Apr 28, 2008 at 1:39 am

heyy listen everyone gets days like that, and everyone feels crap, like the world hates them.
write it down? write down ur feelings n thoughts can help sometimes.
why do u feel so down? what is making you want to cry?
teh other days i started cryig for no reason, n my aunt came n just hugged me, and sed crying means ur getting better, it means your on the recovery path, you need to let al ur emotions out.
just a big hug, can go a long way you know:)
232 rynelle // Apr 28, 2008 at 10:22 am

im not exactly sure what it is. i just feel anxious, worried and frustrated like all the time. i do think just letting my emotions out would help but i think maybe im scared that if i start crying around someone they wont care or something. and that would just make it worse
233 Aliyah // Apr 28, 2008 at 12:07 pm

yeah but they do care of course they do. cry or whtever with someone, your close to you. mum? dad? bro ? sis? best bud?
think of someone, and give them a hug.

xx
234 rynelle // Apr 29, 2008 at 11:44 am

thanks i think i will. i think it would help i just need to do it and have a little more trust in ppl..
235 Aliyah // Apr 29, 2008 at 12:02 pm

i just ate a huge dinner today.a fear food- chips n ketchup

i feel so bad and fat n gross but i know im over exagerting my feelings
comofrt me pleasee
236 rynelle // Apr 30, 2008 at 7:02 am

try not to think of it as if you ate something bad. but that you had the strength to fight against that voice in your head. think of all the advantages and great things in your life you get from fighting those fears. if you werent eating you wouldnt feel so full at a moment like this but you would be so miserable and miss out on so many great things. AND you would STILL feel as if you were grose. you’re an amazing person, dont let the voice tell you otherwise. this feeling is only temporary remember
goodluck you’re doing great
237 Jilly // May 5, 2008 at 6:33 pm

Hi
I am in the middle of finally recovering from anorexia. I started trying to about 4 years ago and thought that i had done it. However now i know i havent. I started to see a therapist 2 months ago and i am progressing well at times.
However lately i seem to be getting worse. Food is scaring me more than ever. I don’t know what to do anymore. My boyfriend (who i will be marrying shortly) gets frustrated and doesnt know what to do. He is scared and so am i. People are so supportive but I feel like they don’t know what they are talking about and they don’t appreciate anything i do to try and get better. Even the smallest steps like not purging for a day are a big deal to me but no one seems to understand. Is anyone going through this too?
Take care
x
238 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 7:38 am

yeh im about 5 mtonhs into my therapy, and i havent put on weight in about a month, and i just cant. its like im too scared to keep going.

but its a case of just putting the head down and going, dont let anorexia get to me.
food isnt scary, its neccessary. its not going to do anything, our thoughts are just overblown.
ino what u mean about the steps, for me adding yoghurt to a meal is such a huge thing, but no one acknowledges it.
but as long as you know its an achievement, be proud. be very very proud

xx
239 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 12:36 pm

heyy
i hve a question
currently im in councelling, but i wanna leave i dont find it helpful. my mum says that i dont have a choice, the counceller can decide for me, she has the right to.
is this true?
240 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 12:54 pm

hi aliyah

i will give you my point of view as a counsellor, ok?

when i meet with a client face to face, i ask them at the end of the session whether it has been helpful (i have 4, 5 questions i ask). if there’s a problem, we discuss it.

if the client truly feels i cannot help them, we interrupt or end the relationship. the client is in the driver’s seat. i usually try to see whether someone else can help them better.

in my (strong!) opinion, your counsellor should NOT decide for you, and she certainly does not have the right to do that.

if you’re underage, your parents may have SOME say.

what does your counsellor think?

most importantly, what do YOU think?
241 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 12:56 pm

i dont know, i just dont feel its been anyh help. ive been goin to her for a couple of months now.
i do everything on my own.
im 18, does she have a right?
i live in glasgow, and apparently she says she doesx
242 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 1:03 pm

i don’t know what the age of majority is in glasgow but at 18, pretty much no-one has a right over you.

what do you mean by “apparently”? has she said that to you directly, or has someone told you that?

is it possible for you to write down
- how you don’t find her that helpful
- how you imagine she COULD be helpful

and then share it with her?
243 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 1:06 pm

well you see she keeps saying, that u have to get physically better first,
but that jus does not work for me, i need to go at a really slow pace, n i dont need her to sit n talk to it about it . i dont know. ive never connected with her i guess.
my parents are on her side though
i cant just keep puttin on weight, cause my state of mind is the same as an anorexi mind, i’ll jus end up relapsing this way

what shud i do? my parents are going to think its jus anorexia telling me stop going
244 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 1:18 pm

i’m sorry that it looks like there are different sides.

you are so super supportive here, aliyah, i really enjoy that.

i don’t know if we’ve talked about this already but i wonder whether it would be useful for you to talk to other people with anorexia in your area. have you tried overeaters anonymous? as i’ve probably mentioned before, they are for EVERYONE with eating disorders, not just overeating. they may be able to get you in touch with other people who have been in your situation, and that may get you moving forward . (and it doesn’t mean you have to become part of OA)
245 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 1:22 pm

i feel more motiavted talking on this than a therapy sessions
i just dont think its for me

erm we dont have that here, my therapist told me before.i asked for group sessions with other anorexics but she said there are none here sadly

thanks for ur help though
i appreciate it
246 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 1:35 pm

here are the OA meetings in glasgow. if you don’t want to go to a meeting and just talk to someone, let me know, i can see if i can arrange that.
247 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 1:37 pm

thanks very much, over eaters though? is that for undereaters too?
and what happens here?

i wont be going just now, have exams but after i wil check it out i think definetly

x
248 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 1:49 pm

overeaters anonymous is for everyone who has problems with food – overeating, anorexia, bulimia, what have you.

the meetings themselves are not to everyone’s taste but it might be a good way to get to know others who are dealing with anorexia.

good luck with the exams!
249 Emily // May 7, 2008 at 4:28 pm

Hi! my name is Emily. i have now been home from an inpatient for 4 months now, and everything is going very well. except one thing. my metabolism is driving me and my nutritionist crazy. When i first got home i was eating like 4000 calories a day, and i was afraid i would have to eat that much for the rest of my life. but now it has gone down to like 800. It just does not seam right! does any one know what is going on with my body. will i always only be able to eat 800 calories a day for the rest of my life?!
250 Aliyah // May 8, 2008 at 3:37 am

firstly, how old and tall are you and weightwise do u still have a fair bit to regain?

your metabolism, will eventuallysettle dont worry
what does ur nutriionist say/
and 800 calories really dooes not sound like enoughxx
251 rynelle // May 8, 2008 at 11:00 am

hey i havent been on very much lately. but aliyah i know exactly how you feel with your counsellor, it’s the same for me. i feel so uncomfortable talking to her. i know that part of recovering is talking about the problem but its not that i cant talk about it. there are some ppl that i can completely open up to and i dont have any trouble saying where im at and how im doing. but when i talk to her my mind blanks out and i feel like i just want to go hide away somewhere. that feeling will last even after the session is over, i hate it! i thought that maybe after a while it would get easier to talk about it, and it has but only with other ppl, not her.
252 Aliyah // May 8, 2008 at 12:08 pm

yeah ino what u mean!
do u have to stay with your counceller though? or do u have the choice to leave when u want?
xx
253 rynelle // May 8, 2008 at 12:50 pm

i have to stay. i think she can tell that it’s not really working for me but she says that we have to keep going. and ive said to my mom that it doesnt seem like its getting me anywhere and that i feel better working on it by myself and having the ppl i trust helping me but she says that counselling is what needs to happen
254 Aliyah // May 8, 2008 at 12:52 pm

yeah same
i hate it
y cnt we make our own decisions?
i get more motivation and help from here than my counceller
but shes like no way ur stayin here till u reach ur final weight
n i have ages to go
hows the weigh regain a stuff coming?
x
255 *Heather* // May 8, 2008 at 4:25 pm

hey guys! its been a while since i posted on here, but i really need support and encouragement. im really having trouble psyching myself out enough to really want this. im so unhappy and i just don’t even want to put the effort into this. i guess i just need some motivation please
256 rynelle // May 9, 2008 at 8:14 am

my weight gain has happened so fast. im in the healthy range now. the ppl at my dance studio said that if i didnt get back to a good weight then i wouldnt be allowed to dance so that was a huge motivation for me! most of my weight is muscle and ppl say i still need some more body fat to be actually healthy. but idk i dont want anymore weight on me:(
257 rynelle // May 9, 2008 at 8:23 am

hi *heather* what’s going on? try to remember how horrible life is being trapped in the disorder. and i know recovery is hard(sometimes it seems harder than just living with the ed especially with all the emotions and everything) but it’s all nessisary in order to beat it. stay strong, you can do it. in the end you will be happy and it will be worth it
258 isabella mori // May 9, 2008 at 8:31 am

rynelle, that’s great that you were able to put some more weight on so fast. sure, it’d be nice if you got to the healthy body fat range soon but all in good time, huh? really cool that you can stay in the dance studio.
259 Aliyah // May 9, 2008 at 9:17 am

WELL DONE RYANELLE!
im proud
keep it up ur doing so so well!
260 rynelle // May 9, 2008 at 11:41 am

thanks guys! ur encouragement helps ALOT! dance has been my biggest motivation, i hope that everyone can find something that will do the same for them.
261 isabella mori // May 9, 2008 at 11:57 am

rynelle – you said it!!!

so here’s one thing that i think a good counsellor does: support people in finding what makes their heart sing, and then in doing it.

i’m not just saying that because i think it’s a good idea. research shows that even when someone is in counselling, 60% of the improvement happens outside therapy. it makes sense, then, that a counsellor should do everything to help someone with these 60%, no?
262 rynelle // May 9, 2008 at 1:36 pm

i agree completely. my counsellor never helped me find that..i knew i loved dance before, it just took some realization that if i kept going the way i was then soon i wouldnt be allowed or even able to dance at all. actually my counsellor thinks im TOO involved with dance and that i should cut some of it out. but i cant do that! its the reason i started getting help in the first place and the thing that helps me get through every single day.
263 Aliyah // May 9, 2008 at 1:38 pm

you do what ur heart tells you to!
in the end you know what motivates and drives you, and if its dance, just you dance!
264 *Heather* // May 9, 2008 at 2:02 pm

idk what’s going on really. i just have such a hard time seeing my life getting better when i am recovered. im still at home and im still dealing with the same issues that made me start this eating disorder. in 2 years i will be able to leave home, but until then, i find it so hard to get the motivation to recover! ik everyone says that just being healthy should be enough, but it really isnt for me. that sounds terrible, but maybe you guys understand what i mean. i just don’t know how to motivate myself anymore!

like rynelle has dance and that motivated her! i just feel like i need something maybe like that, something that i know will be able to make me happy and change my life.
265 Aliyah // May 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm

ino what u mean, but remember sumtimes its jus anorexia talking
i mean think back to when u didnt hve it, and all the weird n crazy food thoughts u never had. u dont want that for ever do you?

im sure there is something thta will motivate u.
leaving skool maybe? moving out n being more free?
266 Li-Li Star // May 13, 2008 at 2:31 am

Hi All
I’m a new visitor to this site and finding it has been a massive inspiration.
Rather than wishing I had found it before now, I am at a stage in recovery where I my view now is that I was meant to find this now not before as this is where I need to be right now.
I have been working on recovery for about a year and a half now and have had some pretty slow periods and setbacks in that time but from all the resources I have found (something fishy, beat, and other recovered sufferers) I know that this journey will be unique to me and take as long as it has to. At the moment I am finding that I have come to a bit of a platuea I am trying to gain weight and have had the support of a nutritionist to do this but my natural ED attitude is to try and do all the things she recommends perfectly thus giving myself a hard time when i don’t! I have discovered I love to eat the things that i avoided like the pleague before (i.e. chocolates, sweetes, ice cream) but then i worry that even though this is going to help me put on weight its not a good way to do it and i’m so scared that i’ll end up going back to old ways, so far it hasn’t happened and reading the posts on here has helped but i just think i need some more reassurance if thats ok?
267 Aliyah // May 13, 2008 at 3:02 am

hey wow
well done so far!
are u close to ur ideal weight now?
and ino it seemsscary eating, and especially eating foods we feared, but its amazing! its just showing that you are beating the anorexia.
i still am finding it to hard to eat certain foods, but im getting there, and will definetly use you as an inspiration.
keep it up
xx
268 Li-Li Star // May 13, 2008 at 3:13 am

I am still a way from a target weight but I am trying to focus on other things so i don’t get hung up on numbers again!
In the past 18 months i have done things i would never have thought possible when i was in the grip of this problem such as quiting the gym (i was over excercising like mad) and i no longer weigh myself, i though these were just token efforts but my friends and family have helped me realise how massive these achievements were in the context of my recovery.
Every day is a new battle but I have to keep my focus on the reasons to keep fighting.
If anyone can empathise with my fear/love dilema with the “unhealthy food” issue i could always do with a bit of gentle reassurance. and if i can help anyone too please ask me anything and i will be honest and as helpful as i can
xx

Thank you Aliyah for your kind and supportive words lets inspire each other on these sometimes lonley journeys
269 gigi // May 13, 2008 at 4:42 am

hi everyone. I’m from australia and i want to get better but i don’t know what to do. i cant do it at home on my one. I was wondering if any of you know of any good clinics where you can actually have a healthy meal plan and get good help because i can’t do it at home. i have been to one clinic but the food was horrible the dietitian would only let as have chips, chocolate, cakes or stuff like that for snacks and all the food was just really unhealthy. do you guys have any healthy meal plan and inpatient clinics where you can eat healthy food. i just want to be healthy and happy. please help me
270 Aliyah // May 13, 2008 at 5:55 am

well i dnt know any in australi, but fone up your doctor, as it ws my doctor who sent me to one in the first place

and ur right in gettin help, go for it and good luck
LI li star- yeh im the same as you in a way, still away from a target weight, but i dont want to focus on numbers either.
everyday i see as a new fight, and in that are baddays and gd days.

every achicvement, is a huge step. for me, i used to weigh myself continuously several times a day, and i feel better now that i stopped it.

keep it up
x
271 Aliyah // May 16, 2008 at 2:11 am

hey guysss
how is everyone?
i need sum encourgement, ive nt put on any weight in agess and i jus need sum motivating pushes.
im stuck in my food routine, n im to scared to break it
272 Li-Li Star // May 16, 2008 at 2:49 am

Hi Aliyah

I know this is not really going to help much but I am in exactly the same kind of boat! I start the week full of determination to eat regardless of the fears and thoughts my ED is throwing at me but as soon as I get to mid week I start looking ahead to the future, where i’m going on any given day if i’ll have to eat out etc and eventually i get stuck in familair food routines! I think perhaps we should start focusing on the present, living in the moment not the future (sorry this is really uselss advice if this isn’t soemthing you do) but i think one of the biggest hurdles i have to overcome is trying to live before my time, i miss the here and now because i’m constantly focusing on the next hour day week month!!
one tip that may be usefull…… I find watching you tube videos from people who have recovered are really motivational and reassuring so perhaps that might help.

Keep fightng you desrve to get better and be well, but don’t feel bad if things don’t always go perfectly this is a bumpy road we’re on but as long as your still driving you’ll get there
xxx
273 isabella mori // May 16, 2008 at 6:14 am

hey @aliyah – we’ve all been lucky to follow your journey here for a little while and i for one know that you can do it. maybe you’ve plateaued a bit – that happens!

one idea you might want to try if you’re stuck in your routine – is there one TINY bit you’d feel okay to change? like, eat one more spoonful of yogurt?

love what you say @li-li star. one day at a time (sometimes it’s one minute at a time). we get so entangled in the future, and it doesn’t really help at all.

one thing i noticed, you say “I start the week full of determination to eat regardless of the fears and thoughts my ED is throwing at me but as soon as I get to mid week I start looking ahead to the future” – what stood out for me that for a few days it sounds like you DO eat regardless of the fears and thoughts your ED is throwing at you. good for you!

it’s friday – have a great weekend, everyone!
274 Li-Li Star // May 16, 2008 at 6:38 am

Thank you Isabella I hadn’t actually looked at it like that before but now you point it out i suppose i should be proud that i am making an achievement for some of the week at least rather than getting hung up on the negatives! I think i’ll give myself a big thumbs up and aim to have a super weekend which i wish too you all too!!
xx
275 Aliyah // May 17, 2008 at 10:12 am

thanks guys and li li star definetly, i know what u mena, and it does help, cause i know im not alone.
i guess its better to day it a day at a time, rather than think, i shud be at this partyicular weight by now.

its not numbers thts important i guess

xx
276 Lise-Ann Brennan // May 18, 2008 at 8:23 am

One day at a time i think thats something we need to keep reminding ourselves of, otherwise who nows what we’re missing out on.

Aliyah I know ignoring all the usual habits of an eating disorder is easier said than done but i promise to give you motivation if ever you need it i think its all to easy to forget how much hearing encouragement from other can really help
xx
277 Aliyah // May 18, 2008 at 10:00 am

awwwwww thank u lisa
one dy at a time
278 rynelle // May 18, 2008 at 10:42 pm

hey guys. i need some support..
i feel as though i really really need to leave this house. it’s already extrememly hard just trying to fight this disorder day to day but trying to do it while living here makes it worse. it seems to be getting worse everyday and i’m afraid that the longer it goes on the more likely i am to relapse. ive been trying to make things work in the house but the feeling and the atmosphere doesnt change..just gets worse. idk what to do
279 Aliyah // May 20, 2008 at 12:15 am

aww ryanelle im so sorry to hear that
just remember it is normal, to feel; like this.
just take a deep breath, and remeber hw far you have come, and how much u have achieved.
now when a problem occurs, u need to NOT take it out on food, and find a diffferent way.
can u talk to sumone? mum? a friend?
whats so bad inm your house?

x
280 *Heather* // May 20, 2008 at 1:59 pm

rynelle- i know EXACTLY how you feel, and unfortunately, i have no idea how to deal with it either. i know for a fact that i cannot recover in this environment (my home). i keep telling my mom this and telling her things have to change, but she just doesnt get it! honestly, i have very little hope for the next two years, while im still living at home, for recovering. i am so overwhelmed and stressed here. it is so easy to get caught up in the e.d. and rely on it and stay with those habits here. plus, no one really gives me the support and whatnot that i need to feel here, yet i hate it because they are all totally aware that there is a problem, so i feel so watched and kinda like im under a microscope. honestly, my best advice is just to keep fighting. right now, thats the best i can do. how old are you?? im guessing you will soon be able to move out, so just keep fighting and keep looking to ur new life! let me know if you can think of anything else to help with this issue cuz im having the same problem!!
281 Sara // May 20, 2008 at 6:38 pm

I’m having an issue, and I wonder if anyone can relate…

I’m a recovered / recovering anorexic… it’s been almost eight years now. I think the central part of my recovery has been seeking God and not making a god out of my body… but anyway, it has helped to keep my eyes out of TV fashion magazines and my body out of the gym. This has always worked pretty well for me, as I used to do worship dance and live in the country where I could enjoy walking in nature without worrying about weight.

I recently left college, broke up with a boyfriend, and moved to the suburbs where walking isn’t a safe or pleasant option. My eating’s been fine, but robbed of exercise my weight just shot up and my mood has been all over the place. Out of desperation, I finally joined a gym, promising myself I would use the time to meditate on Scripture, not weigh myself, and never let it interfere with my social life.

In the three weeks since joining I’ve noticed myself breaking a whole lot of those promises. I did weigh myself, and was pleasantly surprised (bad!). Suddenly I started feeling guilty eating desserts again. Then I stopped covering up the calorie counter… and today I caught myself about to lie to my roommate when I was planning to go to the gym again, even though I knew it would make me late for church.

I feel torn and a scared… like I put my toe in it and now I might be in over my head. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, it helps just coming clean and getting my thoughts straightened out. I know one big mistake I made was to let physical activity crowd God out of my life. I don’t want to quit the gym because I feel normal again (as in healthy-normal, not depressed and lethargic), but I don’t want to make it a priority, either. I have lots more meaningful adventures to live for. Maybe this will help me get back into the worship dancing that I love. Best wishes to those of you who are struggling with this disease.
282 isabella mori // May 20, 2008 at 7:45 pm

thanks for joining our chat here, sara!

tell us more about worship dancing! (better yet – why not do some worship dancing and tell us how it went?)
283 isabella mori // May 20, 2008 at 7:52 pm

hey everyone there who’s having a hard time living at home …

first of all, thanks for supporting each other.

and i know, there is NO easy answer.

here’s a thought, maybe you have tried it already, maybe you haven’t:

you can write a letter to the people at home with whom you don’t get along so well and lay it all out, no holds barred. a letter that you WON’T send. at least it’s a way to get it all on paper. you can burn it afterwards, that way no-one will see it.

after that, you can also try to write a “civilized” letter and actually give it to the person(s) in question. sometimes seeing something in writing is easier for people to grasp.

whatever you do, good luck.

and reading this makes me so grateful that my daughter and i survived these difficult years (actually it was the pre-teens for us that were quite challenging). we are now really close friends. let’s see what my youngest one brings
284 Aliyah // May 21, 2008 at 12:38 am

sara- its ok to feel liek that, certain situations and stuff will make you more vulnerable.
just do not let it take over again. throw away the scales, its not about numbers.
if ur worried u cant go walking, why not buy a fitness dvd or something.
dont give into the ED
x
285 rynelle // May 21, 2008 at 9:58 pm

hi sara. i too am inlove with dance! and i know sometimes i would push myself too hard just for the exersize but in the end i really do just love it for what it is. i used to lie about doing extra exercising as well. i still sometimes will find myself planning out how i am going to fit an extra long run in without ppl knowing. its hard..i feel good and bad about it at the same time.
286 rynelle // May 21, 2008 at 10:04 pm

*heather*- yeah thats exactly how it is!
i feel anxious, stressed, overwhelmed..etc. and yeah..i feel watched too but without being understood if you know what i mean. like my mom for example knows how i have a problem but she really doesnt have a clue what its like. and i know i cant expect her to completely understand it all ..especially when i dont voice everything thats going on but its just frustrating. and im not close with her so i dont feel i can talk to her about it.
im 15 by the way..still have some time to go before i can leave
287 *Heather* // May 22, 2008 at 2:05 pm

rynelle- trust me, i know exactly what you mean. it probably doesnt make much sense to people who dont have this problem, but theres honestly not a lot we can do! im 16, so i know how frustrated you are. right now, ive basically given up hope with my mom. im really just consentrating on myself and doing as much as i can, realizing that recovering is a LONG process, so even these little baby steps i take now will help me later on when i am in the right environment. i think the most important thing for us is to keep with this frame of mind and thinking we have now and not to lose our recovery sort of thinking.
288 rynelle // May 22, 2008 at 8:55 pm

yeah i know what you mean and you’re right. just sometimes it seems easier to just go back to how it was before when i was alot more sick. it seemed like i could handle all the stress better..even though it was probably just bcuz i was so out of it that i was more numb than anything. it just is really hard to stay motivated when im in my house
289 *Heather* // May 23, 2008 at 2:07 pm

so, so true! but let’s stick together you and me will work through these next few years together and stay STRONG! we will defeat this sometime in the near future, and we just have to keep our spirits up!! maybe we could try to be each other’s support that we are lacking in our own homes. id be willing to try seriously recovering NOW with you if you want to try!! obviously we are in the same sort of situation, so maybe we could try this and see how it works my email is hrservi_14@yahoo.com … so if you want to try this, let me know and maybe we can be email-recovery pals hehe!
290 Saphire // May 24, 2008 at 7:21 am

I stumbled onto this website a few days ago when I was looking for support and info on eating disorders on the net. I just wanted to say that this is an amazing site and all of you who have submitted comments on here are very encouraging to me. I am dealing with this crappy ed for a year and a half now and am now in recovery for the second time. It has been almost two weeks since I started on this second road to recovery. I am so sick of living with this. I know I need to get healthy and live a normal life. A person can not be sick their entire life. The only option is to get better! It’s hard though. It seems like each day gets harder, especially when Ana (I call her) is constantly in my head. But anyway… I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on here. You are all trying to recover (and will recover) from this horrible disease and are all so positive! To all of you- we can do it! We can win!
291 Aliyah // May 24, 2008 at 9:59 am

aww thats so nice to hear
we can do it!

im always here if u need to talk or just express any worries
everyone is

good luck
292 Saphire // May 24, 2008 at 3:58 pm

Thanks Aliyah! Today was actually a surprise day for me. On Saturdays I usually go out with friends who eat whatever they want and of course don’t care, and then when and if I give in to a treat like say gelato ice cream (omg-so good:) ) I usually end up feeling guilty about it and then it seems like my whole day is ruined by this tiny bit of ice cream that really I should and NEED to eat! It’s so ridiculous! I know I should be eating stuff like that, I know I NEED to gain weight but its so hard! I have like this picture in my head of what I might look like when I gain some weight but then again, I know it’s not real. Its only the disease.
Anyway- today was the first Saturday in a long time that Ana was not in my head. I went about my day as any normal person not feeling any worry or regret about what I ate. Which is completely out of the ordinary! But the day isnt over so I guess we’ll see. Isnt it aweful how some days are so horrible? Like even the healthiest thing you eat or the smallest thing you eat weighs on you?! I hate that. I spend most of my time and energy trying to push that other voice OUT of my head!!!! But like I mentioned above, there is no other choice but to get healthy. Relapsing is NOT an option. But it’s sooo hard!!! This board of comments is really good though- everyone is on a positive road it seems
293 rachael // May 24, 2008 at 4:06 pm

hii everyone, its been awhile but i read all the time and i just wanted to say i undersatnd complately where your coming from saphire….i think im on the road to recovery finaly because my parents got wroried about me and i went to see a dr friday and she said i have to gain at least ten pounds. im so scared to though…the last two days ive been eating so much that i think i might stop eating good im just so scared to gain wieght i feel like the weight im at i look good…i hate the little voices inside m head because i know they are wrong!
294 Saphire // May 24, 2008 at 6:08 pm

I know Rachael! Its awful- those stupid voices. Sometimes they’re there and other times they’re not and you feel amazing and happy! I feel the same way as you. I sometimes (well often) look in the mirror and I like what I see. And then for a minute I do not want to gain a pound. BUT… then I take a better look and rationalize it in my mind and truly realize that what you and I see in the mirror sometimes (when Ana is strong) is only a lie. It is NOT real. We NEED to gain weight. It will only make us look better! And also, when we eat, we are happy and it radiates on our faces and THAT is truly beautiful. Be strong Rachael! We can do it! I KNOW you will win. All of us will. xx
295 Aliyah // May 25, 2008 at 10:43 am

omg i get that too!
right now, i like how i look n im finding it so hard to gain, but uz have made me realsise im not alone

oh its so hard. ino gaining weight is what i need to do. i want to be able to go out n socialise n nt worry about food.
what i put in my mouth shud not pry on my mind for a whole day! it drives me crazy
but it will go one day
its just puttin up a really gd fite!

xx
296 rachael // May 25, 2008 at 3:39 pm

ah im so glad everyone understands haha and guess what…i got my period today!! im so happy after 3 dyas of eating better and taking vitamins i already feel so healthy and i look in the mirror and dont see someone fat…i hope this lasts!!
297 Saphire // May 25, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Wow! Congrats rachael! That is really great! Im sooo proud of you! If you consistantly eat good food (and of course indulge when you want to ) throughout the day and EVERY single day, you will get healthy and stronger in your mind and I have no doubt it will last Remember- you are beautiful no matter what! If you are healthy and happy the world will see just how beautiful you are! Thank your body! It is strong and beautiful! Keep it up girl!!!
298 Aliyah // May 26, 2008 at 12:54 am

wowwww well doneee!!
keep up the good work ok!?!!
xx
299 Saphire // May 26, 2008 at 8:34 am

Hi guys! I know I’ve been pretty positive since posting on here but sometimes I feel myself slipping. Like this morning- I usually have oatmeal and a banana for breakfast, but this morning I skipped the banana. I know this is dumb. I knew that when I did it but yet I did it anyway. I started thinking about all the food I was going to have the rest of the day and I just skipped eating something that I need and is sooo healthy! this is lousy- I hate feeling like this. I want to eat something and I know I need to but geez- it just gets harder every day it seems….
300 isabella mori // May 26, 2008 at 8:46 am

hi saphire – here’s my two cents’ worth … yes, it would have been great to have eaten that banana but breakfast is over and hopefully you’ll eat more healthy next meal!

the crazy thing is that both not eating the banana and then criticizing yourself for not eating it are the disease in action.

so my suggestion: just move on … you ARE in recovery, that’s what counts!

enjoy the rest of your day everyone! let’s make this a good start of the week!
301 Aliyah // May 26, 2008 at 12:06 pm

hey listen ino how u feel
sumtimes im like that, leaving out parts of a meal
wer not perfect and you just need to push yourself to try and have it, make it more like a routine thing, that u are going to have it and thats it.
like i have set times usually to eat and stuff so i dnt try to skip anything

dnt worry its just a part of recovery
302 Saphire // May 26, 2008 at 2:07 pm

Thanks isabella mori and Aliyah! yeah it is part of recovery- the hard part! But ya routine is good! And I did have a better lunch today And felt really good eating it too like I was doing my body a great favor! xx
303 Shannon // May 26, 2008 at 2:19 pm

Hi,
I’m new to this site and over the last few days I’ve been reading all the entries everyone has posted. It has helped me so much to read through them and know that people are/have gone through the EXACT same things as me!!!

A little about me: I’m 20 years old and have been overweight for as long as I can remember (until recently). In October of 07 I started weight watcher’s with my mom, but only she went to the meetings (I just followed the program). I started losing weight but I was doing it the healthy way (making wiser food choices but still eating plenty). Then in January my family booked a tropical vacation scheduled for March. At this time I joined a gym and started working out obsessively. I quit following the weight watcher’s program and started counting calories instead. I kept reducing my calories each day…its almost like a game to see how low I can go. My initial weight loss goal was to weigh 130 (which is healthy for me…I’m 5′5″). When I was overweight I would have been thrilled to weigh 130 and now I feel like that is so much! Anyway, I got so obsessed with my diet/exercise that I even worked out everyday on vacation and didn’t take advantage of the wonderful buffets that were at our resort (I ate only lean meats/fruits/veggies). Food is all I can think about and I recently started therapy. I started seeing a man and didn’t have any connection with him so I switched therapists and have started seeing a new lady which I really like (I’ve only seen her once so far though). Since I started therapy I have quit working out (mostly because my gym membership expired) but I still restrict my food intake and count calories. I’m afraid that when I eat “normally” I’m going to binge eat and go out of control. I’ve never purged after a binge but I usually don’t eat the next day. My lowest weight (which I’m at right now is 103). I know I need to gain weight but part of me still doesn’t want to. My mom took the scale out of our house so I can’t weigh myself every morning anymore. But I have gone to friends’ houses specifically to weigh on their scales. Reading all these comments and posts has been very encouraging and comforting to me. Sorry for such a long post, hopefully I’ll get the hang of this site soon! I just wanted to say thanks!!!
304 Aliyah // May 26, 2008 at 2:22 pm

awwwww its nice to share ur story

dont worry about it, just take it one step at a time
are u gna get a nutrionist? i had one for a while, it does help, havin a meal plan and structure, cause at the start i found it hardest to eat as i had to go from eating next to nothing to 3 small meals and snacks.
305 Shannon // May 26, 2008 at 6:18 pm

I saw a nutritionist once but then she went on maternity leave and the place i go hasn’t got her replacement yet. i really look forward to seeing another one though because i think that will help me a lot. i just feel like i can’t have a normal day of eating. its either all of my safe foods and restricting or i feel like i eat too much and then binge (and feel awful about it later). today is my dads birthday and we had dinner (i had everything my family was eating) and then we had cake and ice cream. i didn’t have any ice cream and cut my piece of cake in half when no one was looking. i feel really guilty for eating a normal dinner and having cake (even though i didn’t even have that much). i just want to find a happy medium and be normal again! i’m so sick of food controlling my life!!!
306 Saphire // May 26, 2008 at 6:41 pm

Shannon, I know what you are going through. Im 20 as well and it all started out for me as ‘just losing some weight which then spiraled completely out of control.
Its a battle each day I know. But what helps me get through each day and really what changed my life around is knowing that what really truly matters in life is being healthy and happy. I mean there really are only two options- restrict/starve body and be miserable or eat normally and be healthy and happy.
I totally understand that it is so hard to break the cycle of restricting and binging. But you have to know that once you start consistantly eating normally, and yes, indulging in cake or ice cream is part of eating normally , you’re body’s needs and cravings will level out and stabalize and you will no longer feel the need to binge. You can have that happy medium!!! It is hard for a while, we ALL know that on here! There are ups and downs such as my ’skipping banana this morning.’
But a proper daily diet- NO restricting, is all part of recovery. 3 meals a day and snacks in between is the normal. Eat when you’re body is hungry! When you crave things, it’s just your body telling you you NEED those things. If you binge, dont feel bad. Your body obviously needed to eat afterall it is being starved.
You can do it! I know you can. Healthy and happy And do not feel guilty for eating some cake, think about how your body NEEDED that. It was probably saying ‘Thank you” I know that sounds corny but its true! You have to eat in order for your mind to become stronger and then you will beat this!!
I know this is incredibly long and Im sorry for that and if I sound like Im trying to ‘teach’ you something. But I know as a recovering anorexic, I keep all these things in mind and it does help me! I know I can beat this and you can too
307 Shannon // May 26, 2008 at 6:47 pm

Saphire,
Thank you for your reply! You have no idea how comforting it is to read that! I feel like no one that knows about my problem (my family) understands what I’m going through, even though they try their best. It feels so good to hear someone who has the same problem as me tell me its ok and encourage me!! I will take any tips I can get and am so grateful to hear them. I’m so happy I found this website…I think its going to help me out a ton! Thank you!!!!!
308 isabella mori // May 26, 2008 at 9:16 pm

hello people …

someone just left a comment on another part of this blog but i think it’s meant for you

here it is:

http://www.moritherapy.org/article/wordless-wednesday-morning/#comments
309 Saphire // May 27, 2008 at 8:16 am

No problem Shannon! We are all here to support one another and encourage one another to fight and beat this thing!!! xx
310 Sara // May 27, 2008 at 7:17 pm

oops, looks like I got left behind here…

Aliyah and Isabella, thanks for the encouragement. I decided to take the weekend off (from the gym) and feel so much better mentally. It also just helped to come out in the open and also to have a talk with my best friend about the weight/working-out/boys stuff. I realize I’ve been placing far too much value on other people’s opinions. So I took time out to go to a retreat and play my guitar which I’ve been neglecting for a while.

I used to do worship dance back in college. At first it was a recovery thing because I wanted some kind structured *healthy* exercise that I could just go to and not think about or count calories… then I fell in love with dancing and have used it as an outlet ever since. Right now, though, I haven’t been able to do it as there’s no troupe in our area. I love music, though.

***

Shannon, I can relate to what you’re going through. When I was in early recovery, we didn’t have ABA or support groups, it was my friends that helped me. I would go to the cafeteria with them and literally just eat whatever my best friend was eating. It sounds like a silly idea, but I was so used to restricting, I’d forgotten what “normal” was. My rationale was, this person eats pretty healthy and her weight is stable, so I’d just copycat off her. It worked. After a while of this autopilot eating, I started becoming more in tune to my body’s inner signals. I could feel when I was hungry and when I was starting to feel full… or when I really wanted another piece of chicken. Your body has hormones that regulates your appetite and metabolism to keep a constant body weight. It’s like an internal thermostat, so that even if your food and exercise intake is flexible, your weight will stabilize itself. So the human body isn’t meant to run on a calculated diet. God provided for things like cookouts and late-night chocolate chip cookies.
311 Shannon // May 27, 2008 at 8:25 pm

Sara,
Thanks for the tips! It is really hard for me to realize what a normal meal looks like, and gladly appreciate any ideas/tips on how to overcome eating a normal meal without feeling guilty. I think doing the copycat thing is a good idea and I’m going to try my best to do it. I’m happy to hear that you’re doing better! Its so encouraging to know that people can and do get over this stupid problem!!
312 isabella mori // May 27, 2008 at 8:39 pm

shannon, i like how you call this “a stupid problem” – puts the disease in its place
313 Aliyah // May 28, 2008 at 12:53 am

aww sara well done
just take things slowly, you know you can do it :d

im currenrtly worried just now, my prom i in 2 weeks, and im sooo worried about thehuge meal were gna get there, its 3 course :/
i dnt eat big dinners now, so im really concenrned about it, what people will say, how i’ll feel, i dont want to restrict before or after either i just want it to be a normal meal!
helppp
314 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 9:59 am

Aliyah!!! Awe- Im so envious about you going to prom! Id give anything to go back and do it again! You will have sooo much fun! Do not be concerned about the meal they will have there. It is usually a healthy meal anyway and healthy food is what you want! They aren’t going to serve burgers and fries lol but hey, even if they did, it wouldnt matter right? because you need to eat and gain weight and a person doesnt eat burgers and fries every single night. But you know what? I honestly think that the night will be so amazing and overwelming (in a good way) that you won’t even think about the food! Besides, you will need the energy from your meal to dance the night away!!!! I KNOW you will have the best time! xox
315 Aliyah // May 28, 2008 at 10:03 am

awwwww thanks! thats made me feel better!
but the only thing now is, uft my dad is bookin a holiday just before prom, so i have to deal with lots of food on holiday an restuarunts and then come bak and deal with prom.
ino im lucky to be going on this holiday but im just gna get so stressed, and my family dont understand how hard this is gna be for me

how is everyone else though?
316 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 10:10 am

Hey Aliyah! I know exactly what you are going through! My mom booked holidays for both of us in a couple of weeks and I know its stupid but like you, Im stressing about it a little! But the way I think of it, is I dont go on holidays often so I should really make the most of it when I do! And whatever I eat it will be normal anyways. I mean through recovery- thats what Im striving for- to just be like any other normal person- go on vacation and eat and ENJOY what I eat.
But I know how you feel. Its a battle! But we can get through it!!
317 Aliyah // May 28, 2008 at 11:01 am

thanks ino ino
im just over reacting, i need to calm down a bit
its just cause i have an exam next week to, and so much on my mind its like aaaahhh

yeah anyways where u goin on holiday?
u shud be excitedddddd
x
318 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 11:07 am

Hey Aliyah!!! Dont worry- you’re not overreacting! Its totally normal to feel like this. We all have our up moments and down moments! But hey- Im with ya all the way And I totally understand- exams are so stressful! I hate them!! But you’ll do fine! I know it!
As for my holidays- I live in Canada and Im going on a roadtrip across Canada- from BC (where I live) to probably Quebec! It should be fun! And yourself? where are you off to?
319 Aliyah // May 28, 2008 at 11:10 am

oo sounds fun
thanks so much for the support i really needed it

paris i think for a few nites, then come bak from prom of course
hw old are u sorry never caught ur age
im 18
x
320 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 4:36 pm

Paris sounds amazing!!!!! Im jealous It sounds like you have a couple of great weeks ahead of you! Im 20, going to be 21 in a few months. I wish I was 18 again tho haha just to go to prom! xx
321 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 4:41 pm

Paris sounds amazing! Im sooo jealous You have a couple of great weeks ahead of you! Im actually 20, going to be 21 in a few months but I wish I was 18 again just so I could go to prom again Hey, I was wondering, you mentioned a while ago that your therapist recommended a book to you, a book on a woman’s recovery… do you by any chance know the name of the book?
Im always looking for inspiration xx
322 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 4:43 pm

hey sorry that posted twice I dont know why
323 Aliyah // May 29, 2008 at 1:48 am

yeah she keeps saying shes gna tell me, but never does!! grrr
im gna go on amazon and have alook atthe book
there must be loadssssssssss!
u shud try the something fishy website too
its gt sum good stuff on that to keep u goiing

xx
324 Saphire // May 29, 2008 at 10:58 am

Hey guys! I’ve been feeling like I’ve been slipping abit these last couple of days. And it seems the less I eat the weaker I get mentally. I started restricting a little and I was somewhat happier that I ‘didnt eat this’ but then when I did eat something I felt sooo guilty about it. So I started rationalizing it and knew that I have to eat more to get stronger. So this morning after a looong battle (and I mean long!) with myself or ana, I finally listened to my body and had a sesame snack. I looove these and they;ve been sittin in my cupboard forever it seems and I just couldnt bring myself to eat one. But I did! I told that other voice to well, you know, and I ate it! and enjoyed it!!! You have no idea how proud I am of myself. Im sure all of you have your ’safe’ foods and the foods which are still of course so healthy but may geek you out kinda like the sesame snaps do for me. I dont know why but anyway…. I’m just feeling super happy about winning my battle and since no one is around to share in my happiness lol I wanted to share it with you
Oh and thanx Aliyah, I did check out the fishy website and actually spent quite a bit of time on it this morning getting some inspirational quotes and other stuff from it. xx Hope all of you have a GREAT day!!!!!
325 rachael // May 29, 2008 at 11:54 am

thats great saphire that you did eat them! ive been having the saem struggle for a couple of days now….when i dont eat im proud of myself and then i get hungry and i eat but i feel guilty for eating even tho i know my body needs the energy, i just dont know hwats wrong my whole attitude went downwards and i go to the dr;s again tomorrow so we’ll see if that goes well….but what i know so far is i have low potasium haha so ive been eating a lot in high potasium…ah idk i hope my “ana” goes awaaaay! haha
326 Saphire // May 29, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Hey Rachael! Isnt it a struggle? gosh I know what you mean when you say your attitude goes down. Its like when I eat Im proud for a minute and then I get down later thinking I shouldnt have eaten that… and then vica versa!!arggg!!! But ya, the whole potassium thing- I’m the same! Im eating a banana a day and then taking potassium supplements which are vital. Oh- and boost up on your B vitamins if you haven’t already. B vitamins are essential for moods and also to metabolize fat. And one more thing- I take the essential oils like Primrose oil and Flax seed oil and they are REALLY supposed to help with depressiona nd mood swings. haha I sound like a nutritionist. But I have noticed a difference- hope this helps. Your ana will go away!!! I know it!
Here’s a quote I found this morning on somethingfishy.org. It’s a great one:

“When I eat, I don’t gain back weight. I gain back my life.” Its true isnt it? xx
327 Aliyah // May 29, 2008 at 12:43 pm

omg sapphire well done!!
thats sooo amazing
im sooo proud
u shud be so happy, and enjoy whatever u want, cause u need it. u deserve it!
aww well done agen
Rachel its ok i get like that at times too, its just part of the fight. i get days where i eat less ifeel proud n when i eat more i feel annoyed buts its normal and it will be ok in the end
just keep it up
xx
328 rachael // May 29, 2008 at 2:17 pm

oooh good to know about the b-vitamin thing haha i go to the dr’s tomorrow and i think i wanna start seeing a nutritionist acuse i want to learn about what my body needs so when i eat something i feel good about it that im nourishing my body not bad that im gonna gain weihgt or w.e and my mom tells me to take flaxseed! haha i havent in awhile but since you reminded me i thnk im gonna start doing that
329 rachael // May 29, 2008 at 2:24 pm

oh and …. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ ….that is a site i go on every sunday when they post new postcarsds, it sounds silly but i love reading them and it starts my week off good so i thought i should share it with you all!!
330 rachael // May 29, 2008 at 2:54 pm

ooh and idk if you have all heard of this but postsecret.com is a great website haha i goon every sunday and look at the new postcards and it encourages me at the start of each week! its silly but you should check it out and tell me what you think
331 Saphire // May 29, 2008 at 5:14 pm

omg.. Im having such a hard day today grrrrr. okay- guys Im gonna ask you because Im not seeing a nutritionist at the moment.. I’m going to get referred by my doctor next week and I want to know now because Im having a real hard time lately. So Im just going to throw it out there. I’m 5′9 and I can’t tell you my weight because I threw out my scale last year but since I was 125 last June, Im guessing Im around 110 right now. Or lets say 115 give or take. Remember Im in recovery so of course I do NOT want to maintain that weight because obviously its toooo low! So does anyone know how many calories I should be consuming?
I know this is a totally loaded question because it varies from person to person but if someone could perhaps give me an approx I would be sooooo greatful!!! help pleeezzzz!!!! xxxx

Oh and to Rachael- I looove the website!! Its really great! Thanks for mentioning it!
332 isabella mori // May 29, 2008 at 9:58 pm

saphire – try this as a rough guideline:

http://www.marathonguide.com/FitnessCalcs/Caloricneeds.cfm
333 Aliyah // May 30, 2008 at 1:58 am

sapphire, also aim for 3 mediium sized meals and snacs inbetween. just keep eating every hfew hours, it keeps ur metabolism going and speeds it up.
when i started recovery at the start i gained quite a bit every week, but then as i ate my metablism sped up, and its now at a slower more comfortable pace.
but dont worry, keep strong. dont let it win!
x
334 Shannon // May 30, 2008 at 7:57 am

hey guys! i’m having a rough time these past couple of days. i know my mom wants to help me but i’m so tired of her trying to tell me how i feel. i know she loves me and means well but i seriously don’t know how to make her understand! no matter how i try to explain my feelings she just doesn’t get it. i’m going out to dinner with my friends tonight and we’re going to a restaurant that doesn’t have a “diet” menu. i’m pretty nervous about this and feel like i should restrict today to make up for what i eat at dinner…even though i know i need to eat all day long! any suggestions on how to feel better about eating or how i should order? i hate this!!
335 Aliyah // May 30, 2008 at 8:10 am

hey aww i totally feel for you
listen try and see this dinner with your friends as a new event that proves ur beating ur ed!
dont let the ed make it seem like a negative and worrying thing
u go there, socialise and enjoy urself like u shud.
why worry about the food? food is vital to life isnt it.just enjoy urself, u deserve to and show that ed whos winning!!
let us know how it goes:D
lots of luck, ino its a hard battle, but this will be one big step closer to winning
336 Saphire // May 30, 2008 at 5:30 pm

Thank you Isabella and Aliyah! The calculator at least gave me some idea of where I should be calorie wise- definitely a LOT more to get my weight up. And to Aliyah- thanx for your support! yeah, sometimes I lose sight of the most important thing in life- health and happiness and for brief moments I go back to calories and image which of course is anorexia talking. But we all need reminders sometimes. Its like I know I need to gain weight but at the same time I dont wanna- yeah thats DEFINITELY the disease talkin! So be strong- and we’ll beat it.
If you don’t mind me askin Aliyah… how long have you been in recovery? you are a bundle of support and positivity girl!!! Way to go
And Shannon- please dont restrict if you know you are eating something not on the diet menu. It will make you feel even worse than if you dont. I’ve done this off and on. I restrict and feel weak and moody all day and then even once I eat whatever I was ’saving’ up for, I dont feel better because I was just weakening my mind. Then I start putting myself down for restricting because I know that that was the disease controlling me. Its just a vicious cycle if you restrict. As Aliyah said- yeah prove to your ed that you are beating it. Tell ana to —- off and enjoy yourself!! Have fun tonight and I’ll be thinkin of you xx
337 Shannon // May 30, 2008 at 9:46 pm

hey girls! thanks for the encouragement…it really helps a lot!!! dinner went ok. we went to red lobster and i got salad, a half order of broiled tilapia, and asparagus. i didn’t have any of their cheddar biscuits and didn’t use hardly any of my salad dressing because they didn’t have anything fat free. i did however eat all my fish and asparagus and came home and had some broccoli, strawberries, and yogurt with a bit of cereal in it. i feel like i did restrict some throughout the day today but i tried really hard not to. i would have much rather had a pasta dish or something fried at dinner but i couldn’t bring myself to order it. my friends really upset me though by telling me how thin i am. it wasn’t like they said it once, they kept saying it over and over and telling me that i look gross. they were also making jokes about being anorexic/bulimic…but they don’t know about my ed. i’m not close enough to share that with them so i tried to just tell them i was working on gaining some weight but they just wouldn’t let up. it was super annoying! but anyway, i feel good about what i ate and don’t feel guilty for anything. oh and today i also made an effort to “munch” on a few different things during the day without writing it down or measuring/weighing it. i also didn’t drink as much water/other liquid as i normally do so i felt hungrier…which is a good thing! i think slowly but surely i’m going to get over this thing!

that online calculator also helped me! its comforting to know that you can eat so many calories and still maintain your weight, let alone what you need to gain! it definitely helps me rationalize eating so much! keep up the good work everyone!
338 Saphire // May 31, 2008 at 6:29 am

Shannon! Im so glad you had a good time- well eating something that at least sounded good, yum I love asparagus And I am the exact same way when it comes to restaurants. I would love nothing more than a nice bowl of pasta but I just can never bring myself to do it. But you know what? I realize how silly that is. I mean, a person does not go out to eat every single day so why not treat yourself to whatever you want. Haha, I know thats so easy to say- easier said than done right? But hey, you and I and all of us are recovering, we’re on the right path so why not challenge ourselves. To prove ed wrong, to challenge myself, I am going to eat what I would love to eat on the menu the next time I go out because I want to be normal and normal ppl do that! okay now that I’ve actually said it to all of you, you can ‘hold’ me to that. I’ll share it when I do
And don’t you just despise it when people comment on how thin you are? It hurts me every time. Its like they are judging you and they really have NO idea how hard it really is. But on a happier note, I am so glad you didnt feel guilty about eating out and its kinda great when you eat stuff throughout the day and are constantly hungry! That means the old metabolism is coming back So keep eating constantly to rev it up. And hey, I am totally a ‘measurer’ and a ‘weigher’ of food and its completely ridiculous! Lets both try and not do that okay? Im going to make a conscious effort to not measure anything anymore because honestly a person should just grab whatever and not weigh it or measure it and eat and enjoy it! Besides, its more fun that way

Have a good day all of you!!! Be strong everyone- lets win!!!!! xx
339 nikki // May 31, 2008 at 9:46 am

hi every1

im nikki and im 13….im 5′ 7” and currently 100lbs. I think im recovering but i might just b putting on weight. my lowest weight was 86lbs and that was only 2mnths ago, i really like how i am now and i reli want to stop putting on weight. i know ppl will say to exercise the amount i eat, but it doesnt seem to work! i realli need some advice??
340 Aliyah // May 31, 2008 at 10:03 am

saphhire – since about december. still got a way to go, but i’ll get there. I kind of have to before i start uni theres gna be a lot of socialising anf stuff and i have to get over this.

shannon- none of my friends know either only my bf. and yeah i get comments lot but uno what just ignore it, they have no idea what ur going thru. just say hey im eating, its not like im starving myself.

hey nikki, its the ED telling you to stop gaining weight. the ideal weight for you, is there for a reason.
have u been to the docotr? councelling?
341 Shannon // May 31, 2008 at 1:48 pm

How is everyone’s day going? Mine is going pretty good. I ate breakfast this morning, even though I didn’t want to (my mom made me), and I had some other snacks throughout the morning. I ate a decent lunch and have been snacking around in the kitchen this afternoon. I’m feeling more comfortable not counting/weighing the things I snack on so that’s a good sign! I’m also having dinner with my family tonight so I feel confident about that and eating quite a bit today.

Nikki-
I know its hard to look at when the scale goes up but just keep reassuring yourself that you NEED the weight!!
342 Aliyah // May 31, 2008 at 1:57 pm

shannon- wow that is such a good day really!
thats soo encouraging!
mines was ok, had my 3 meals bit of sncackin here and there
x
343 Saphire // May 31, 2008 at 2:27 pm

Hey guys! Hope your day is going good! Mine’s been alright I guess. I have my moments. I went out for lunch today. I had sushi and I feel like I had too much of it. But Im constantly argueing with myself that this is ridiculous. I did NOT have too much, heck I should have had more! Afterall, I was not full after I left. A person should eat until they are satisfied. But like I said- I have my moments.

Shannon! Congrats- your day does sound like its going good! Breakfast is hard for me too but what makes me want it is that the truth is, if you eat a good breakfast- and the bigger the better, your metabolism is revved up for the day and you feel pretty satisfied for a longer period of time Which is great! Gotta keep that metabolism up! And awesome for not weighing things! Its nice eh? more fun I think

Aliyah- wow December! Thats great! You’ve been doing so good and keeping so positive- you’re my role model girl! And definitely it is good to stop the nonsence before university! Ive been going to uni for three years now and let me tell you- its been VERY hard. This disgusting disease has ruined friendships, a social life, has taken away all my fun and even a close relationship. Thankfully Im on the right path now and can start fresh again come Fall! Have to gain my life back- its not the weight I gain back but my life!

Nikki- you have the support of all of us. This is a battle and I have faith you will beat it. You want to beat it remember- health and happiness is the most important thing in life- NOT what you look like. And I know its hard. It is such a struggle. You definitely NEED to gain weight. Your weight is far too low for your height. Like Aliyah said- it is anorexia talking telling you to stop putting on weight. You need to put on weight so your mind gets stronger and when it gets stronger you will have more strength to fight this and WIN!!! You want to win remember- you want to live life at its fullest and not worry about food and such. Be strong!
344 rachael // May 31, 2008 at 7:50 pm

i love hearing that al you guys are doing so well! today i did eat a lot but i feel like it was a bad day, i just feel so gross i ate like 3 full meals but my stomach feels hugeee ah i wanna go back to restricting but i just keep pushing myself becuase i want to gain the weight and just be healthy and back to what i used to be like last year

niki- i know how you feel good job for gaining wiehgt back but you need to keep it up, your 5′7 and weigh 100 im 5′5″ and weigh 103 and my dr is worried about me so you definatly need to keep gaining it is a struggle though im goign through the smae thing wehre i think i look fine and dont wanna gain but i just know that i have to!
345 isabella mori // May 31, 2008 at 8:04 pm

reading what you guys are saying about getting yourselves to eat even though in the moment it doesn’t feel so good because you know that long-term it’s going to get you better reminds me of something:

for years, i had gallbladder attacks. extremely painful. the first time i had one i thought i had a heart attack. in the beginning, when they hit me, i did what seemed the most comfortable thing to do in the moment: lie down.

but at some point i realized that if i kept moving during the attacks, they would go away much quicker. getting myself to move while in excrutiating pain always took a humongous effort, both physically and emotionally – but it always worked!
346 Shannon // May 31, 2008 at 8:23 pm

rachel and nikki,
i know how you both feel. i know i need to gain weight but i feel like its totally wrong. everytime i eat something i think about how i could just restrict instead but i try to repeat over and over in my head that i need to gain and that its normal and healthy. i have eaten quite a bit today but haven’t weighed or measured anything which is a huge accomplishment for me!! i also feel like i ate a lot but don’t have any urge to binge…which i think is a sign that i’m getting back to normal! when my ed starts to take over my thoughts and i feel like i should restrict i have been trying to think about how aweful it makes me feel when people use the words “gross” , “disgusting”, or “skeleton” to describe my appearance. that usually helps me feel better about eating. good luck everyone!!!!
347 Tasha // May 31, 2008 at 11:34 pm

Hey,

My name’s Tasha and I’m new here but I found this website last night and I’ve been reading through the comments and I was wondering if you guys had advice for how to eat to recover?

I honestly don’t know how much to eat anymore, food has become this thing I analyse constantly instead of just being simple nutrition and I really need to get better cos I got accepted into this really prestigious boarding school but they need a medical checkup in 3 months and I’m only 84 pounds at 5″3″ so I’m so messed up right now.

I really want to get better but I just can’t bring myself to do it. There’s no counseling where I live (anorexia is pretty much unheard of in Malaysia) so I don’t know who to ask when it comes to talking about anorexia.
348 Aliyah // Jun 1, 2008 at 1:33 am

Tasha- i think you should, visit your dcotor. apart from that eat 3 small meals a day and a snack inbetween whatever u like, just to get started agen. thats what i did, and it is the best way. mechanical eating, eat thise 3 meals no mater how u feel cause u need it.

saphhire- wow sushiii well done on yet another achievement:D
yeah hearing what you have to say about uni, i REALLY want to get over this. its like i wish i could just get to my ideal weight without all this struggle inbetween. but we will do it

Rachel i know how you feel i feel gross and horrible sometimes after i eat,. but you know you shud go and do something after to keep your mind off it, like read or talk to a friend online, or jus go on this and write hw you feel just to take your mind off it.

Nikki- as sapphire said you need to gain weight, think of it as your giving your body what it deserves. Dont weigh yourself, sometimes that helps, just eat and see how hw you feel. when u have a bad day do something to take your mind off the food.

x
349 Tasha // Jun 1, 2008 at 2:05 am

Thanks for that really quick reply. The ironic thing is my mum’s a doctor but I lied to her and told her I was heavier than what I actually am since I was afraid she would send me to Singapore. I do eat three main meals a day and snacks as well but the thing is I eat really low calorie or low fat food throughout the day and then I have a nice dessert like ice cream or a PBJ sandwich at night whilst maintaining in the 1350-1550 zone so that I don’t suddenly get cravings. I know I have to increase my intake for each meal and the only reason why I can eat all the low fat and calorie food is cos I usually cook for myself and my mum’s a health freak- we have steamed fish, veggies, some sort of chicken and brown rice every night.

Have you ever had the problem with bloating though? Because in the past 2 weeks, I’ve gone from 1250 to about 1500 and I get a really bloated stomach which makes me feel really uncomfortable.
350 rachael // Jun 1, 2008 at 4:32 am

hey tasha! i get that way too with a bloated stomach… but about the calorie thing the thing that helped me the most was not looking at the labels and trying not to count how many calories i ahd that day…it helps a lot becuase if i know how many i had and with me i tried to restrict my diet to 1000-1200 calories a day so if i had more than that i would freak out so i just try not to count the calories so i keep eating and not skip meals! haha its kinda hard but i would say try it for a day!
351 nikki // Jun 1, 2008 at 7:35 am

thanks guys, yea i have bn to my gp cos my mum forced me to, but he was rather gulliable and believed what i said (basically i managed to convince him i was healthy). Thing is a lot of ppl who used to say i was too thin now say i lk gr8 and my dad has started treting me like a little princess again. Thats y i want to stay this weight, because a lot of ppl like how i look now and so do i. and yes, i am having anorexia lapses, but i am able to eat without much guilt, although i still restrict.
352 Aliyah // Jun 1, 2008 at 7:49 am

hey tasha yah i understand i eat low calorie diet stuff to sometimes, but try not to like me. im slowly gettin rid of it one thing at a time.
yeah bloatedness is just part of it, i have special yoghurts for the dugestive system to help.

Nikki yeah i kinda get where ur comin from. im at this stage where i like where i am, but i tyr and say i mite like it even more when i get to my ideal weight! so just keep saying taht to yourself.

xx
353 Shannon // Jun 1, 2008 at 7:55 am

nikki,
people may tell you they like how you look now but its really about how YOU FEEL! you have to feel good about yourself and feel healthy. the ed is just telling you to stay thing because you think thats what will make you happy, but in reality you have to be healthy first. i know how hard it is to gain though, i feel like i look good the way i am right now but i know its not healthy and i know i’m only hurting myself.

tasha,
i know all about the eating low calorie and low fat food! i’m such a label freak and have the hardest time eating things without having the exact serving size so i know exactly how many calories and fat grams i’m getting by weighing it out and measuring it. it does help if you just grab whatever you feel like having and not look at the label…even though its really hard. on my “good” days (which are really actually the bad ones) i eat less than 800 calories…which i know is WAY too low. i feel like when i have over 1000 calories i freak out and think i’m going to gain a ton of weight, even though i know that i need a lot more calories than that to even maintain my weight, let alone gain. i know how hard it is though. like yesterday i didn’t weigh or measure anything, and ate 3 meals and snacked in between. i didn’t count calories during the day but last night when i was laying in bed trying to fall asleep i started adding up all the things i had eaten during the day and was trying to estimate how many calories it was. it was getting up there into numbers that i’m not use to and i started freaking out a bit and don’t really feel like eating much today but i know that is only going to start the process over again….so i’m going to go force myself to eat something right now! good luck to you!

sapphire,
awesome job on going out for sushi! its an accomplishment that you went out even though you didn’t eat as much as you could have. but its really good you recognized that you weren’t even satisfied when you left and that you should have eaten more, rather than felt guilty about what you did have. how is it going with not weighing/measuring your food? i did really good yesterday but feel like i need to go back to my old habits today…i’m not sure why. but i’m going to try my hardest to resist and just snack on whatever i FEEL like having. good luck today!
354 Aliyah // Jun 1, 2008 at 8:43 am

im going to have dinner, and im realllly going to try my best not to think of calories and just enjoy my mums cooking and not restrict
355 Saphire // Jun 1, 2008 at 9:05 am

Hello Tasha! You have the support of all of us. We are all going through this incredibly hard battle together and we can win it together too. You can NOT let anorexia win. It is a horrible thing to have and will take your life away.
Your body NEEDS food! You are very underweight and your body is probably screaming for nurishment! I know it is soooo hard to eat but you HAVE to. You need more than what you are consuming right now.
You want to gain your life back. You want to be healthy and HAPPY! Anorexia takes both health and happiness away and you do not want that. You want to enjoy life and LIVE it to the fullest
When you eat- you get stronger. I myself have to repeat this every single day because its hard. But I want to be stronger mentally and physically so I can win this fight!! You can too!! Be strong okay Tasha? And like Aliyah said- yogurt really does help for the bloating thing. It is soo healthy too. It give your body protein and calcium for your bones and teeth. Take care! We’re here with you xx
356 Tasha // Jun 1, 2008 at 10:16 pm

Hey,

Sorry this may sound really lame but honestly, I really appreciate all your replies, I never get to talk to anyone about anorexia and ever since anorexia hit, my social life has slowly swindled into a black hole so it’s kind of nice to have people to talk to who don’t judge me so yeah, thanks.

Aliyah and Shannon, I’ve lived off diet stuff for ages now, it’s sort of hard not to eat it sometimes. I have this habit of tracking my fat intake as well since I do this thing called SparkTeens where it tracks all your calories, carbs, proteins, fats, etc. so I think I might be more of a label freak. I’ll usually stay at a pretty low fat area, but get all the protein and carbs in which is something I SHOULD STOP but I don’t know, it’s like you feel out of control without it which again is stupid.

I don’t know why, I never used to get all bloated and I eat yogurt everyday, kind of a habit now since I’m freaked out about osteoporosis since I stopped having periods for like a year now which is REALLY BAD. Yeah I do that too Shannon, count the stuff in my head at night. It’s really annoying how food’s like your first thought in the morning and the last at night.

I know I’m really underweight Saphire and sometimes it does feel like a chore to even get up, especially when I have to go for tennis training and I get really little sleep- I think anorexia gives me insomnia.

The thing is I generally don’t know how much to eat cos I have quite a high metabolism, well I used to, not sure now. Even when I was on a 1800 calorie diet, I managed to stay at 92 pounds and I don’t think I underestimate since I track everything and measure stuff like Shannon. And I know it’s a good thing to have a high metabolism but I’m afraid if I eat too much, I’ll just get bigger and bigger and I’ll get too used to eating whatever I want to eat that I’ll keep gaining. I went to see a dietitian and she said for my height, I should eat 1800 calories which didn’t really help me much since I didn’t gain much weight anyway. No one in KL is knowledgeable about anorexia or how to deal with it so I don’t know who to ask either. I don’t know, feel really messed up.
357 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 12:55 am

hey listen i understand what u mean about diet food stuff, but u need to tell yourself you dontneed it!
cause udont. you have to take out one thing at a time. And i found bloatedness slowly lessens, it will. i dont usually drink when im eatin a meal as i find it too much.
x
358 Saphire // Jun 2, 2008 at 9:08 am

Good morning girls! How is everyone today so far? I really hope good
Shannon- thanks! The sushi and the not feeling guilty about it was the highlight of my Saturday! And I also go through times in the day where I return to my stupid habit of measuring. I think I should actually get rid of the measuring cups. That might be an idea now that I think of it, or make my mom hide them in her room or something because its sooo silly! And kind of tedious as well. And I still seem to be counting up every calorie. Gosh, its been three full weeks now since Ive been eating normally and now more than ever calorie counting has become an obsession. I have my cell phone with me at all times and even when Im out, I catch myself adding what Ive had and what Im going to have! Anyone have any suggestions or anything to help me with that? I cant stand myself doing it yet I do it anyway. It’s kind of putting my in a weird place mentally because I know that if this keeps up I might end up relapsing and I do NOT want to do that. Grrrr…..
359 Tasha // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:11 am

Hey,

Yeah, sorry I was totally freaking out on the last post cos I’m kind of short for time and my parents expect me to be 48kg before I leave and I’ve got 10kg to put on in 3 months. So I need to do this, and I’ll take your advice, taking out one thing at a time. I didn’t stop counting today but I made sure I ate more since I went for tennis.

Saphire, I know I may sound like a real hypocrite since I’m not exactly a good example but what I find helps sometimes to try to avoid counting is to go out with some friends and eat with them but make sure that you keep yourself busy and chat to them. That way you get slightly distracted and being around non anorexic people makes you feel like you should eat more if you’re restricting you know?

I think I should throw away my measuring cups too. And I agree, it is silly to fuss over numbers and carefully measure each and every thing you eat but yet, I won’t stop doing it most of the time.
360 Saphire // Jun 2, 2008 at 11:05 am

Tasha hun, – you def dont sound like a hypocrite. This disease only makes it like that. But thank you for your support and advice. I know I try to be positive and support everyone on here and then Im like- wow I really should take my own advice haha. But writing it down kind of reinforces it too!
And I have found that when I do go out with other people I dont care so much about food which is wonderful! So for all of you- this does work:)
Tasha- keep at it! You are doing great so far. Its a long hard road but we’re on the right one so lets fight and beat it! Happy and healthy!!!!! xx
361 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 12:11 pm

hey sapphire, yeah i know what u mean about calorie counting i cant help it sometimes, but just keep tellking yourself , do u want to be counting calories all your life, or do you just want to enjoy the food?

ive had a good few days actually , i feel like ive ate too much, but ive decided im just going to do my best to ignore it, and enjoy the food.

x
362 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:03 pm

Hi all,
I have been reading all your comments but haven’t had a chance to post.
Well i got married 2 weeks ago and actually had cake! There were lots of pictures of course and i was really nervous…i didnt want to see how i looked as i have been putting weight back on and i am about right (give or take). I managed to look at the pictures and actually appreciate that i looked good!

However i am now in London visiting family (i live in Florida) and i find myself restricting again and every time i look at the wedding pictures, i am seeing more and more flaws. The other night i had restricted all day but around 2am i decided i was hungry and starting eating everything i could see. i started off with fruit but then moved onto cereal, bagels and spaghetti hoops chocolate chips/crisps (whatever you want to call them),cake…etc etc. At the end i didnt feel full, just guilty and disgusting. I ended up purging. I know i am going down the wrong way again because i actually felt good about purging and the next day i only ate a cereal bar and drank coffee all day. I’ve really hit a bump in the road and it is so frustrating but at the same time i feel good about it. I want to “be normal” so my husband and i can have a baby but at the same time i am so scared about the weight i am just now let alone how i will be if i keep eating the way i am eating just now. I may be a decent enough weight but my mind does not match that. I really need to get over this part of it and i feel the only way i can do this is with inpatient care.
How is everyone else doing?

Take care
Jilly
x
363 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:12 pm

awww jilly congrats on ur wedding first of all.
listen your ED is telling you , you have flaws, when u deep down know you look good. u said it urself. enjoy the body you have, just ttry and think of your future, you dont want your kids to have eating difficulties like you, so dont let it get to you. you are at a weight that is good for your height, and that is so so soo good

if you think ur gna binge or something do something to keep your mind off it, read or just take 5 minutes and say to yourself, i dont need to purge, i dont need to binge eat. everything in moderation.
364 Shannon // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:36 pm

Saphire,
I do the same thing with my cell phone!! I’m always whipping it out and adding up my calories of what I’ve eaten and what I’m going to eat the rest of the day. Its so annoying! I haven’t had a very good day today…I’ve been restricting quite a bit and I quit the snacking thing and am back to measuring but I do plan on eating a normal meal for dinner. I have a big exam tomorrow that I need to focus on studying for but all I can think about is food. Its so annoying!!!

Aliyah,
Good job on not thinking about it! I bet in all reality you haven’t even eaten enough but I know how easy it is to freak out once you think you’ve eaten too much. Its encouraging that you’re just letting it go! Keep up the good work girl!

Jilly,
Congrats on getting married! Does your husband know about your ED? Like Aliyah said, just try to ignore the thoughts in your head about finding flaws because you know you actually look good! I find that when I restrict all day then I want to binge on anything and everything in sight at night. Eating normal meals during the day helps make me not want to binge. Also, just think about the future and how you need to be at a healthy weight so you can get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I haven’t had my period for 6 months now and even though its a hassle (I’m sure all of us girls feel that way), I can’t wait for it to come back because I know that I’ll be in the healthy range again. Its definitely a good thing that you’re recognizing the signs early so you can get your ED under control before it gets out of hand. Is there anyone you can talk to about it? Like your husband, friend, family, therapist, etc…? It definitely helps to talk about it, even if its only on this website. Since I’ve started posting and reading this site I feel a lot better. Good luck!!!
365 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:39 pm

aww thanks shanon i will keep doing my best to beat this
366 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Thanks!
Its just i know if i feel hungry i should eat. The thing is i always over do it. ALWAYS. Every pound i put on now i find myself getting bigger and bigger. My period started again a couple of monthhs ago and whenever i get it i just feel HUGE!!! I’m just so sick of feeling like this and i want to be “normal” so much. But as soon as i start getting anywhere, ana is back in my head telling me that i am only going to get fat again and do i really want that to happen. I know that the voice in my head doesnt know what it is talking about and every now and then i really do have moments of clarity but they are getting less and less common! I have enough inspiration to keep me going but the voice just seems to be stronger! argh!

Take care
Jilly
x
367 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:42 pm

awww its hard
just listen to your body and give it what it needs
if you feel hungry, EAT you need to
everyone feels yuck at their periods, your not alone justtell yourself that.
your ED is prolly making it seem 100 times worse wehen it really isnt. just say to yourself, its only a period its just a week or so then its done.
368 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Shannon – Thanks! I have been recovering from my eating disorder for about 4/5 years. It is a long and tedious process. I thought i had gotten over it but clearly haven’t. My husband does know about my eating disorder and he really is my rock. I have a wonderful therapist who i really can relate to and i feel comfortable talking to her about anything. I have been seeing here for just under 3 months and i notice the change. But with not being in Florida and being in London without my husband, it has been harder. I have even been lying to him about eating which i know is terrible especially as he is nothing but supportive and understands that i will have bad days.

Aliyah – I know it is just my period and i know that makes even “normal” people feel all yucky! The thing is when i feel hungry i eat and eat and eat and eat. I just don’t know when to stop and then i feel so bad! I know i need to get passed that way of thinking but i think that is one of the hardest things to do!
369 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:51 pm

yeah, have u ever tried councelling and stuff?
i used to have periods where i ate and ate and ate then pruged for like 2 years. an i got soo sick ofit, cause i wasnt enjoying the food, i used to get sore throats, sometimes bleeding and ulcers all the time.why dont u try like say at a meal time, only bringing out what u will eat and thats it. dnt leave stuff lying around that u cud binge on?
370 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:57 pm

Yeah i have a really great therapist just now and i have had inpatient care before and different therapists and psychiatrists. It just seems like i get to a point which is acceptable and i stay there for a while then my ED comes back! Drives me crazy! I am staying in my sisters apartment just now so i cant really say to her that while i am visiting she cant have anything lying about…i would feel like i was imposing myself too much! I know it will get better when i get back to FL but for just now (until Sunday) i am scared. Its strange, i am scared to eat but i am also scared not to eat, i really can’t explain it. I’m sure you know what i am talking about though. That whole kind of cross between the “sensible” voice in your head and the “ED” voice in your head!
371 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:59 pm

yeah its just a big long struggle isnt it.
but just try to tell yourself, you need to binge, it never makes u feel good, so just think of the negative feelings around it.
wish u luck though
372 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 2:11 pm

Thanks Aliyah.
This website is so great. It makes it a lot better to realise that i’m not the only one and there are people that you can say “you know what i mean” to and actually know that they do rather than just agreeing with you to stop you talking about it. It is still such a taboo subject.

Best of luck to everyone here!
373 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 2:13 pm

aww yeah i know.
it really helps to talk to others.
im away to my bed now anyways hope all goes well, keep updating n stuff n letting us know how ur doing
374 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Night night! Guess i should do the same!

xx
375 Saphire // Jun 2, 2008 at 7:14 pm

Hello everyone! Hope everyone had an okay day. Mine was pretty good, well I only say pretty good because I have bad moments all day long such as when I whip out my cell and start calculating or think of restricting so I can have a good dinner. Its such a big pain in the ass!

Good luck with your exam tomorrow Shannon! Remember- and Im sure you know this, but you need to eat a good breakfast and eat good so your brain can function at its best when you write your exam. Try a power bar or protein bar right before your exam! Trust me- this will make your mind sharper. I did this all the time when I used to write exams!!!

And to Jilly- yes, congrats on your wedding! I bet you looked just beautiful! I love weddings! And like Aliyah says- eat when you are hungry and eventually your body will stabalize and you will not feel the need to binge. Just have normal meals three times a day and snacks between- and Im sure you know this too and eat when your body is hungry. If you restrict, of course you will feel the need to binge once it gets some food in it! And even if you do binge now, dont feel lousy about it because your body wanted it and is probably thankful for the food. I know, I used to binge allll the time but only because I was depriving my body of regular consistant food. I know it is such a battle and a crappy one at that! It really sux. But if you do eat consistantly you wont feel the need to binge! The more we eat the stronger we get to tell Ana to **** off! And really- it is such a good thing that you have your period, the yucky feeling and all. I really badly want mine to come back because that will mean my body is somewhat normal again and healthy! Definitely keep us updated on how you are doing! We are all in this together. You have all of our strength with you okay? keep strong!!

And Aliyah- good job for the last couple of days. You say you have eaten too much although- you know you havent Your body is thanking you! And its great you are not listening to ed and enjoying your food. Food is really good- its really the medication for this disease.
Best wishes to all of you!! And good night x
376 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 1:12 am

hey thanks sapphire
throw ur calculater away!
ive not weighed myself in ages and i feel so good not knowing. it makes it easier, insteadof having a stupid number in my head all day

ive got an exam tomorow psychology ironically enough!

hope everyones well!
x
377 rachael // Jun 3, 2008 at 3:59 am

ah im glad everyone is doing good, i myself have been doing great till this morning…ive been eating 3 meals a day and at least 2 snacks but last night i just oculdnt stop snacking! and i didnt care last night i was proud of my self that i could kinda puush the little voice inside my head away for awhile but ah i had this horrible dream where i was huge and i couldnt fit into any of my clothes anymore and now im just sacred to gain wiehgt haha it sounds crazy but ive never had a dream like that and i just feel like it was a warning and im afraid im going to start restricting my food today and counting calories i have a graduation party to go to and its a cook out for dinner and im afraid to go becaus ill either skip lunch so i can eat at the cook out or im afraid ill just not eat there, im just freaking out cause i was doing so well and this dream was like since i ignore my voice it came to me in a dream….does anyone understand that?
378 rachael // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:03 am

oh and aliyah! good luck on your psych exam i bet youll do great…and once its over youll have nothing to stress about !
379 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:06 am

hey rahcel yeah i totaly do!
i get dreams like that but just tell youself, you need too!
you want to be able to go out to functuions and dinners and enjoy yourself, cause life is too short to worry about calloires 24/7
so eat a small healthy lunch, and just enjoy yourself at this place. tell yourself you will enjoy, it have fun socialising and dont let the voices get to you
u can win
380 Tasha // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:35 am

Hey everyone,

Yeah, I get that way too Rachael when there’s a party to go to, I do the same but I think Aliyah’s advice is good- small healthy lunch then you won’t be as hungry but you’ll still feel within control. As for the dream, just remind yourself that you’re in the control of what’s going to happen to you, the dream is not a reality- you make your own choices.

And Jilly, I know I’m new here and you don’t know me so this may seem too up front but maybe you should just keep thinking about trying to provide a healthy body for your baby to grow in every time you feel like restricting or when you want to binge, keep reminding yourself to eat not until you’re stuffed to the brim but eat until you’re not hungry anymore (like 8/10’s full) if that makes sense.

Aliyah, I really admire that you haven’t weighed yourself for a long time, so I think you should be really proud of yourself about what you’ve achieved so far. Good luck for your exam, thought this is sort of a late reply and hope it goes well. I find it so distracting to deal with anorexia and sit exams as well- it really drains you sometimes.

As for myself, I’m still restricting I don’t know why. I keep telling myself that if everyone else can eat normally and still maintain their healthy weights, why can’t I?
381 isabella mori // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:36 am

interesting about these “using” dreams – they happen quite frequently among people with an experience with obsession and addiction. interestingly enough, they seem to happen MORE among people who are recovering. so maybe they’re a sign that you’re on the right path? what do you think?

after i stopped smoking, i had dreams about taking up smoking again for over 10 years. unpleasant as those dreams may be, i’ll take them over smoking any time, thank you very much!

good luck on that exam, aliyah!
382 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:55 am

thanks isabella
yeah i think its anorexia tryint to fight again, trying to get to you again. it knows its losing so its cominh in your dreams
i guess it will pass

i feel so huge just now though, feel big and bloated and full and my mums making a big dinner.
tasha yeah defo just keep telling yourself that. restricing is part of recovery sometimes i dotn even realise im doing it. i guess it will slowly go, just try not to restrict too much of course

x
383 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:58 am

i have a query i guess i wanna challenge. most of my weight ive – regained so far has gone to my tummy. and im wondering, ive still got a long way to go, about a stone yet and will my weight stay i one place or distribute. and when anorexics get to their ideal weight, is it all in one place for a while and then distributes out or what
im just scared of how im going to llook,im so used to how i look just now. its a scary thought
384 Tasha // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:04 am

Hey Aliyah,

The weight that goes to your stomach might be due to a hormonal imbalance with your triglycerides. My friend who used to be anorexic, swung to the other side and kinda binged too much so now she has insulin problems which is why binging in not good. Maybe you should get a blood test to see your hormones and stuff cos anorexia really messes it up.

I sort of restricted too much today which is so annoying cos I have an exam tomorrow well today since it’s now midnight in my country and I know I’ve messed up. I honestly think the boarding school I’m going to is going to expel me or something when they see my med results. Which is why I’m going to get food. Argh. It’s like a never ending battle
385 Saphire // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:06 am

Hello all! Or Good Morning! It sounds like everyone is doing pretty good judging by the recent posts! Good luck on your exam Aliyah!!!! I love physcology! It is so interesting-hard, but interesting And yes, I do think I need to perhaps get rid of my cell phone for a while. I was giving it a lot of thought last night! Maybe give it to my mom or something so I dont use it!! And congrats on not weighing yourself!

And those stupid but SCARY dreams- I have them all the time! I wake up and I feel just so strange! But its true- like Tasha says- they’re NOT reality. We are in control of our reality so lets make it a good healthy one!

To Tasha, the reason other people can eat normally and maintain their weight is because they’re ‘bucket’ is full so to speak. They are at their normal healthy weight therefore they eat their required normal amount of calories for their age and height and they dont gain because they’re metabolism is working and everything is good. We are not at that normal yet. Our bucket is still empty and really, has a loooong way to go until it is full and we can eat normally and not gain a thing. See, by restricting, we are only doing our bodies a great diservice because then we are only pushing back and it will take much much longer for our bodies to be stable. Gosh- I hope that made some sense! Its such a fight with yourself not to restrict but remind yourself every time you think you want to restrict because ‘you will lose weight if you do’ this is NOT TRUE. If a person restricts they’re body will not get normal, they’re bucket will always be empty.

Hope everyone has a good day. Best wishes and luck to all of you xx
386 Saphire // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:12 am

Hey Aliyah! I forgot you are in a completely differnt timezone! here it is 9:00 in the morning so you already had your exam today! How did it go?! In regards to the redistribution of weight, I’ve read from numerous different sources that basically say the same thing- it goes to the stomach at first and then once the body is normal and has reached its ideal weight, it will redistribute to the other parts of the body. But of course, it is probably different for every person. But thats the main idea anyway. It won’t stay in the stomach forever thankfully
387 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:14 am

thanks sapphire, sometimes it feels better not knowing how many calories you consume. makes life easier for you, and you dont hve a STUPID number prying on your mind ALL day preveting you from going about your day normally.

Tasha- at least you are aware you are restricing. just keep telling yourself, write it down if u must in big letters i do not need to restrict. my body deserves food. sit down and write the reasons for restrcing and not. sometimes when u see it written in front of you it brings it home again.

good luck on ur exam !
388 Tasha // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:24 am

Hey,

Yeah I should really do that but maybe later today after my exam cos I must get some sleep. It does feel a lot nicer without those numbers, I find that it really takes a toll on you especially when you’re tired and stuff, it’s like a burden we carry everywhere, except it’s self inflicted so that sucks even more.

Saphire, it does make sense and I’m sure my body’s messed up, a year and 3 months without period, I really need to pull myself together. But the thing is I’m sure it’s not only me but we’ve been so used to analysing everything we eat that eating normal just doesn’t come that easily to us. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look at food as just food and nutrition. Some people say you never really do recover though. I wonder how much truth there is in that.
389 Saphire // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:55 am

Tasha, I do know what you mean. I dont think a person can 100 % ever truly recover from this. Of course Im only saying, I dont know for sure, I mean ya, we spend soooo much time analyzing everything it does make me wonder if one day I’ll be able to look at food and not even give it a thought. But I think that once we recover- and it will take a long time but once, we do, we’ll be able to deal with it better. We might think about the calories or whatever… but we’ll know and we’ll strongly know that it doesnt reeeally matter and we should eat it anyway. I mean , just keep those dark days of anorexia in your mind forever, do not ever block those memories out. In the future and even now when I think bad thoughts I do think back to December and then last month after a second relapse when I was practicaly on my deathbed, the most darkest days of my life and I think twice about whether to restrict or not. Of course, Im still in recovery so Im not 100 % strong enough to pull through sometimes and NOT restrict but once I get stronger, once all of us get stronger and recover more and more, I dont think we’ll see food as the enemy thaat much you know? I mean, I really dont want to be like 80 and think I just spent my whole life worrying about what I looked like or how many calories were in the pizza or whatever! haha.
Eating normally definitely does not come easy to any of us but I think it will get better as time and recovery goes on. Tasha- I wish you luck on your exam today!!!! You’ll ace it! xx
390 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 9:18 am

of course we can recover 100%
ittakes a while though
but you can go online and see that people do recover 100%
my aunt did, she used to have bulimia and she got over it. and she looks reallly good now, and eats loads!

WE WILL RECOVER
391 Angel // Jun 3, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Hi everyone~ I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. I found this site a few weeks ago and am looking for a smaller group for support, although it looks like I will be the old lady of the group! I’m 41 and in recovery. I returned home from an in patient treatment program after Christmas this year. I’ve had my ups and downs, but have been able for the most part to maintain my weight. I’m struggling a lot with the voice in my head that tells me to restrict. I’m uncomfortable with this new weight and have been restricting more every day. Does anyone know anything about anorexia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, because the thoughts are so obsessive. Is it a type of OCD?

Angel’s last blog post..Wendy Portillo Should Be Fired!
392 Saphire // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Aliyah! Hey! ya thats true- we can definitely recover 100 % and by god, we will!!! I am very happy to hear about your aunt! That is so wonderful! It makes me very happy to hear that, you have no idea! xx
393 Shannon // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:09 pm

Hey girls,
I haven’t been having the best day. I didn’t eat before my test today (but I think I did well…which is definitely a good thing)! And then I met my grandparents for lunch and I had a turkey “unwich” which is basically a turkey sandwich wrapped in a piece of bib lettuce. I would have much rather had a real sandwich with bread but I knew I would feel way too guilty. I also got chips with my “sandwich” because I knew my grandparents would think it was weird if I didn’t eat get them. However, I didn’t eat any of them and just pretended to have finished them and threw the bag away. I feel so stupid for doing this! Its a little bag of chips…I should be able to eat that and not feel guilty!! I have felt hungry all day and have been having only my safe food this evening. I don’t know what my problem is. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and am really nervous about it because I know I haven’t gained weight since my last appointment (I think I’ve actually lost weight). My mom’s best friend (who knows about my ED) hugged me tonight and told me how worried she is about me and that she can’t hardly stand to look at me. She had tears in her eyes and it made me so sad because I want to beat this so bad and I am worried about myself. I just can’t seem to get this stupid voice out of my head. I have been avoiding one of my best friends simply because I’m afraid to hear what she’s going to say about my weight. I get so emotional when people tell me how thin I am how bad I look (and I hate crying infront of people). My mom’s birthday is on June 5th and we are having a birthday party. I’ve been stressing about the dinner and icecream/cake we are going to have for a few days now. Its so stupid! I should be excited to have the ice cream and cake and a fancy meal out but I’m so nervous about it I feel like I should restrict in order to make up for the high calories that day is going to be. I just want to stop lying to my therapist (I’ve lied about my food logs and wore tons of layers/stuffed my pockets full of change when I go get weighed). I’m afraid though if I’m completely honest with her that I’ll be put into some inpatient program. I feel like this is the only place I can be 100% honest and not be judged. Anyway, I’ll let you all know how my appointment goes tomorrow. I hope you guys are doing better than I am. Good luck to everyone tomorrow!

Angel,
There is definitely a link between anorexia and OCD. I’m so obsessed with food its not even funny. I especially have a problem with weighing/measuring my food. I also cut all my food up into tiny bites to savor it. I HATE doing this. I wish I could just eat my food and enjoy it rather than think about it so much! Good luck and welcome to the site!!
394 Angel // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:23 pm

Inpatient treatment saved my life, but I did have to be the one to make the decision on my own to go. I know how hard that is. Unfortunately, I’m still ambivalent about recovery now that my weight has been restored. I can’t get the eating disordered thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I try, or at least I’m finding it hard to fight them anymore. It is so frustrating and disheartening. Good luck with your appointment!

Angel’s last blog post..Wendy Portillo Should Be Fired!
395 Tasha // Jun 4, 2008 at 2:22 am

Hey everyone,

I’m completely drained after my English Lit exam and it’s probably cos I slept really late but for the first time in a very long time, I ate until the minimum daily requirement for my height so I was really proud of myself but at the same time I felt guilty before sleeping but I didn’t purge or anything, I can’t purge for some reason, never been able to.

Aliyah, thanks for your advice, I was so frustrated, I finally got down to doing this and spent half an hour writing a long list of reasons why I HAVE TO RECOVER since my dad’s birthday was yesterday and he always thinks of me as his little angel even though I didn’t eat his cake (I understand exactly how you feel about your mum’s birthday Shannon) but I’m actually lying to him about my weight which makes me feel sooo guilty and I know the best birthday present I can give him is a healthy daughter so I NEED TO DO THIS.

Aliyah and Saphire, it’s great to how optimistic you both are but I’m a little but of a pessimist sometimes. It really makes me feel great that your aunt recovered though. BUT that doesn’t mean I’m not going to focus on recovering cos if I think I can’t recover, I know I’m doomed not to recover.

Shannon, I understand how you feel when people comment. One of my friends once told me that I was a ’shadow of the person I used to be’. I’ll never forget that since it really hit home cos now I don’t feel as sociable as before and I used to be in the ‘popular’ group, I’m a little bit distant now. I think you should use that as an incentive to get better though cos the we all know this- by delaying our recovering, we just hurt the people who care about us most.

I’ve done pretty well today I think, I craved a burger so I indulged, now I’m a little guilty but I’m trying not to think about it since I have my grad ball next week, I still haven’t found a dress and I’m stick thin. Anyone have any ideas how to ‘hide my thinness’? If I can even find a dress that fits…
396 Aliyah // Jun 4, 2008 at 1:58 pm

aww tasha i have problems with clothes too
i end up buying kids stuff. shoppin is a bit of a nightmare with friends. theyre all fitted into everything, and everythings hanging off me.
dont have any tips, but its nothing to be ashamed of.

my exam was ok, it was pretty hard but im freee of examsss and schoool. got a long summer holiday where im going to focus on recovery i guess.
feelin big today, feel like i ate too much when in reality i know i didnt.

Angel yeah ocd and anorexia are linked. i get obsessive about things such as ho wmuch ive eaten and all the calories. its a pain! but i guess its faulty thinking. we have to learn an extra calorie does not do anything o us, no matter how it may seem!
hope everyones alright
x
397 Saphire // Jun 4, 2008 at 4:56 pm

Hi everyone! Hope everyone had a good day today. Congrats on being done with your exams and school! and welcome to the holidays:) May this be a summer of recovery for you and a great one at that
I had a bad day today. All I did was restrict and I feel guilty about everything I ate even though I barely ate anything. Im trying to convince myself to have a good big dinner because thats what my body needs but Im fighting with myself. That other voice is saying just have a light soup or something when I know that that is definitely not good enough. grrrrr this is such a pain. This is definitely a bad day for me, I dont know why. I tried on some clothes from a couple of months ago and that didnt go so well. Thats probably why Im having such a bad day. Im probably just imagining myself being bigger when in actuality Im not. But I dont know…
398 Angel // Jun 4, 2008 at 5:12 pm

Saphire,
I’m sorry that you had a bad day. I’m struggling with clothes at the moment also. My summer clothes fit tighter than last summer. They still fit, just not the same, and it is really triggering. It’s not like I can afford a new wardrobe. I hope that you were able to eat a good dinner. Maybe if you decide to do a light dinner, you can have a snack later on in the evening. Let us know how your doing

Angel’s last blog post..Release Your Road Rage In A Healthy Way
399 Sara // Jun 4, 2008 at 5:46 pm

Saphire and company that are struggling with clothes…

I can relate to what you guys are saying, because clothes definitely can be triggering–especially if you were expecting something to fit and you dig it out only to find it’s way tight. I even struggle with that 7 years later. This evening I went to put on this blouse that I felt sure had fit me last summer, only to be uncomfortably disappointed. I didn’t really notice the poor fit until it was too late and I’m sitting in church for 3 hours tugging and squirming and feeling those tight lines–ugh!

I’ve had to get rid of most of last summer’s wardrobe–mostly because all my stuff is either too casual or too low-cut and I work in a prison now, but what does look decent doesn’t fit anyhow. I can’t afford new stuff either. I’ve been trying to plump up my wardrobe by shopping at Goodwill and have actually landed some decent finds.

One way I like to look at it is this:
Styles change.
(So do people.)
What you wore last summer is probably out of date anyway.
If you can’t alter it, get rid of it.
Pass it on to someone who can squeeze a little use out of it before it goes the way of all clothes.
Life is too short to hold onto anorexic jeans.

Think of how pretty and fresh you’ll feel in something new/different/stylish/so-totally-you!

Thanks for letting me share, it helps to remember I’m more than the clothes on my back.

**We are precious and unique individuals, so let’s not let L.E.I. squeeze us into it’s mold!**
400 Shannon // Jun 4, 2008 at 7:07 pm

Hi guys,
My appointment went okay today. My therapist suggested that I join the partial hospitalization program that they have. This would mean that I would have to be at the facility from 7:00 am-7:00 pm. I would be eating all my meals there and doing group activities and one on one sessions all day. In a way I think that I need to do it and that its the only way I will truely get better but on the other hand I am taking a summer class at nursing school and don’t want to have to drop it. But like my therapist said, school can wait. I talked to my mom about it and she seemed to agree. Another reason why I don’t want to do it is because then all my friends and family (only my imediate family knows about my ED) would know about it and I don’t want that either. I want to get better so bad though. So I’m almost thinking that it would be worth it. I don’t want to get behind in school but I also don’t want to slowly kill myself! Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday and I’m super nervous about having cake and ice cream. I know I’m going to have to have some because everyone will expect me to but I know afterwards I will either 1. feel really guilty for it and restrict the next day or 2. binge for the rest of the night and feel guilty for it. Wish me luck…

I have been having problems with my summer clothes too. Mine are all too big though. I went on vacation with my family 4 months ago and bought a bunch of summer clothes for that and now none of them fit. They are all way too big and don’t stay on. I also don’t like showing off my body (especially my arms) because I get so sick of the comments. They are really starting to get to me!!! I hope you all are doing better than I am. Good luck everyone!
401 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 1:20 am

awww saphire, im sorry to hear that.
dont worry about it, try to see it as you look better in your clothes now, a bit healthier.
enjoy your dinner, ask yoirself, what do you really want to eat a soup or a nice dinner that you actually enjoy.

i kno its hard i find it too likethat, when one of my jeans from last year doesnt fit, but just throw it away and forget about it

shannon- if you think it is going to be beneficial you just need to do it, put yourself first and try not to worry about what others need to say.#maybe if you want to tell a few you can, but what matters is you need to be healthy and fit so you can study proeprly and do your classeswith a clear head and not thoughts of food!

good luck
hope u all hav a good day.
im going shopping with my friend . i hope things fit!
x
402 Tasha // Jun 5, 2008 at 5:29 am

Hey,

I think the best thing I did when I couldn’t fit into my clothes last time before I relapsed was to throw them away. My parents allowed me to go on a shopping spree and it was fun though most clothes still couldn’t fit me. So maybe that’s what you guys should do?

Aliyah, I am ashamed of my thinness because it’s blindingly obvious- you can see the veins on my hands really clearly so it sucks that it’s constantly summer here and it’s a bit weird to go out in jeans and a long sleeve top so I understand what you mean about feeling self conscious about your arms, Shannon. And Shannon, I don’t know how serious your condition is but school can always wait, it’ll always be there to return to but your health and life is something you can never gain back once it’s gone.

What’s really scary is I just looked at my ‘Why I should recover list’ and it says:

“Anorexia is thought to have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder, with approximately 6% of those who are diagnosed with the disorder eventually dying due to related causes.”

It’s always a constant struggle. I had a really bad day because I restricted when I was doing fine two days ago and now I know have to eat to make up for it but my exam’s been changed to the morning so I have to sleep early. I’ve messed up again.
403 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:55 am

Thanks for all your support. And yes, today I am going through my closet and throwing a bunch of clothes away because what am I doing to myself if I just have them there? Like Sara says- ‘Life is too short to hold onto anorexic jeans’ very true!!! Very true.
And to Angel- I did only have my soup for dinner, however, I had a bowl of cereal for a snack- well 2 bowls cause I love cereal! I have such cravings for carbs- like breads and cereal! Its so weird. When my friends are like craving chocolate and sugar, Im in dire need of bread or pasta! I guess its because Ive deprived my body of carbs all these years.
Anyway… Shannon, I very much agree with Aliyah. I think it would be beneficial for you and yes, what truly matters is to be healthy and happy in life. You need to recover. I really want you to recover. If I was your friend back home and I know about your ed, I would MUCH rather see you recover than like you said ’slowly kill yourself’ which is really what this disease will do if help is not sought. This is such a hard thing to beat. Im seriously considering myself to go to intake at my hospital because I dont want to relapse and I reallllllly want to recover and live my life to the best of its potential Im wishing you the verrry very best! xx
Tasha- I read that stat actually recently and it scared me pretty bad! I cant believe it that I actually have this illness with the highest mortality rate!! Knowing this def makes me want to recover and not be a statistic! Im with ya when you have your bad days tho. I had one yesterday and have them all the time lol. I restrict and then feel bad about it and then binge when I have a moment of weakness. But thats all part of this I guess. I feel like Im getting stronger tho. I have to!! If I relapse, Im getting committed to the hospital and I dont want that. And besides, I want to get healthy so I can have a great life. Ya, I really dont want to worry about food for the rest of my life! xx
Have a good day the rest of you!!! Smile, be strong, be happy!!!
404 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 9:46 am

spahhire- you make me smile with your positiveness.
i went shoppig and NOTHING fiited and anything that did looked disgusting. so its definetly a boost to put on a bit of weight and fit into things.i dont want to wear kids clothes!
howveer i had a nice lunch with my friend but i was still hungry after my sandwich but i never ate anything else. i guess anorexia still has that big hold over me!!

but I DO not want any of us to be a statistic, so lets get better and get on with our lives. we dont want to regret this in the future

x
405 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 9:54 am

Hey Aliyah!!! Nice to hear about your day! Mine’s only starting- only about 11 in the morning here in BC! I do know exactly what you mean about fitting into things other than kids stuff! I hate trying on pants and the xxs in the normal women’s clothes just hang very unattractively on my hips. Its not pretty so ya, when I think about it, it will be nice to get curves. I mean, curves are beautiful! We are women and women have curves! haha.

Anyway… thats good you had a lunch with your friend! Its so great you are able to go out and eat amongst other people! I remember a couple months back, I just made excuses or got so mad whenever my grandma or dad wanted to take me for lunch! But now, Im happy that I can go out with a friend and eat lunch! Mind you- I still eat the minimum, like how you said, anorexia still has its hold on me as well. But hey- its a HUGE step in the right direction!!!!
Have a good evening Aliyah!! Good wishes for everyone else too!!! Im out for a job interview in an hour
406 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 10:20 am

Good luck in ur interview sapphire! what is it for?

and yeah it has a hold but it wont forever, we will beat it hehe
hope everyone else has a good day.

yeh i find it hard to eat with like people i dont know, and like at functions. I just avoid them. However a wee sandwich or cafe with a close friend or my bf is ok . but slowly i hope i can go out with all my friends and stuff

x
407 Jilly // Jun 5, 2008 at 12:13 pm

Hi all! Good luck with the interview Saphire and well done Aliyah for really pushing yourself to beat this.
I’m still not too great over in London! I have been resticting more and more and blaming it on “being too busy” or some other lame excuse. It is really bad when you stop and think and realise that you are lying to yourself! I went out for dinner last night with my mum and sister but barely ate anything. I had an avacado and chicken salad but barely ate it. My sister made comments on the texture of avacado and that really put me off. It seems that the slightest thing said about my food makes me not want to eat. I pushed things about my plate said things were over seasoned and too salty. Then today i just didn’t eat. I fell asleep in the car and fell asleep earlier on the couch. When i woke up my sister had made dinner because i didn’t have a chance to think about what i was eating i ate it all. I felt so much better but then felt bad that i had resticted all day again! I’m so scared incase i binge that i think i will have to have an early night.
I have made plans to go to inpatient care on the 7th of July. It is the only way to get better and stay better i think!
I have lost some weight since being in London and i find myself admiring it rather than realising that i need to be putting weight on not losing anymore!
Take care
Jilly
xx
408 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 1:18 pm

awww jilly, its good your going to thr inpatient care.
it’ll push u farr into the right direction!
i am proud of you, and wish u all the best.
still event though u didnt eat much at dinner, you stil went n its an achievement, so well done

hope u have a better less restricting day 2moro
x
409 Jilly // Jun 5, 2008 at 1:26 pm

Thanks! It is just hard over here. I really don’t feel comfortable in London. Can’t wait to get back to Florida! Although i have family here i just feel much better around the people i love in Florida and i miss my husband! (that still sounds funny!!) i’m sure tomorrow will be better i know what i have to do…it is just doing it that is the problem!
410 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 2:56 pm

well good luck! just take it a meal at a time
and enjoy london, i loveeeeeeeeeeeee it there!

x
411 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:36 pm

Hey everyone! Hope you all had a good day! I went for the job interview- its a clothing store in our mall- and I got the job! So I start next week and I think this will be really great in keeping my mind elsewhere rather than on my ed!! The only thing is- Im really going to have to try not to try things on for a while because well, Im going to change size and I dont really want it to be such a downer working there. but its all good

And Jilly! Deciding to go into Inpatient care is wonderful! Im very proud. That definitely is a step into the right direction and full recovery!!
412 Jilly // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:41 pm

Oh wow Saphire! That is so great! Congratulations! Another good point about the job is that you will see people of all different shapes and sizes and realise that you dont have to be skinny to be happy!
Yes the more you work the less you will be thinking about it! I am so happy for you! And wish you all the best
Jilly xx
413 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:48 pm

Thank you so much Jilly! You are very sweet! And I am just as happy for you as well and wish you the very best! xx Lets put an end to this ed nonsence!!!
414 Jilly // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:52 pm

Thanks! Everyone on here is amazing! Yes this whole stupid ED has been going on for way too long. IT has to get out of our lives now!
Jilly xx
415 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:56 pm

And it will get out of our lives!!! We just have to take the right measures to make sure it goes and stays gone- like going into Inpatient! Thats wonderful. Im actually thinking of doing the same. I want to get all the help I can get to it does not take control of my life again. Healthy and happy right xx
416 Tasha // Jun 5, 2008 at 5:56 pm

Hey everyone,

Jilly, it’s great to hear you’ve decided to take a positive step towards recovery, I wish there was inpatient care here cos I have the whole summer now since my exams are nearly over and it would be nice to get back the weight before going to boarding school. Best of luck for it and I hope it’ll be successful for you so you and your husband can be even happier.

Saphire, congrats on your new job and like Jilly said, it’s nice to see all the different types of women and I do love their curves but it’s strange how I know that I would love to be able to wear my old bras and yet I don’t want to gain. I miss the curves cos then we can wear dresses and not look like little girls.

I’m going shopping for my grad ball dress so hopefully something fits and I don’t drown in it. Good luck to everyone today or I hope your day went well and you did your best since my day’s just starting here, not sure about the time difference.
417 Shannon // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:48 pm

Saphire,
Congratulations on your job! Your positiveness (I think I made that word up ) is really enocouraging!!

Jilly,
I think it will definitely be a good thing doing the inpatient program. I am really considering it for myself because like you all have been saying, school and work can wait but I need to focus on myself and getting healthy. Congrats on taking a step in the right direction…I know you are well on your way to recovery girl!

For my mom’s birthday dinner tonight we had hamburgers on the grill. I almost got into an arguement with my mom about me having a boca burger instead of a real hamburger. She really wanted me to have a real one for her birthday…and this upset me so much. I almost started crying (which I know is stupid and pathetic)! I just kept thinking about how I couldn’t have a real burger because for one I was going to also have a bun (which I didn’t want), and I knew I would be having cake later. But my mom went ahead and let me have a boca burger so that made me feel better…and I did eat the bun. I just tried to tell myself that a burger is suppose to be eaten on a bun…that’s what NORMAL people do!!! I did also have a little bit of baked beans but no chips. We had grilled veggie skewers too (I did eat my fair share of those). I was still hungry after we got done eating dinner but I felt like I should restrict since I would be having cake. When it was time for cake I did have a small piece but no ice cream. If it were up to me I definitely would have chosen to go without the cake but I just kept trying to tell myself its just a little piece of cake…I know I need it! I was also really worried about binging after having that stuff tonight but right now I don’t feel like binging so that’s good. I also don’t feel too guilty about the things I ate today but I do feel like I restricted too much during the day in anticipation of the stuff tonight. I also told myself I would be able to restrict all day tomorrow as a way to justify the dinner and cake I had today but I am trying to be rational with myself and realize that that isn’t necessary. So I think I’m improving on my thinking somewhat. You guys and your comments help me so much!! I hope everyone keeps up the good work. We WILL beat this!!!!!
418 Shannon // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:50 pm

One more thing,
I also told one of my best friends about my ED today. I know she suspected it and was very understanding. It feels like a relief for me to tell her and let her know what’s going on with me. It was really hard for me to talk about it with her but she was really sweet about it. It is relieving to know that you have so much support to get better. Good luck everyone!
419 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:35 am

awww shannon well done, you were open about it, and youre gonna have atonee of extra support from your friend now which will be sooo goood Shannon well done on at least having the cake. its inspriring, i still find it too hard to eat things like that.
but just tell yourself, you dont need to restrict. You enjoyed the birthday and you deserve to enjoy the food as much as anyone. You have no reason to restict.

sapphire well done!! ever so proud. like everyone else said, it will be great to see people of all diffeent shapes and sizes. im sure it will really motivate you!
420 Saphire // Jun 6, 2008 at 9:56 am

Good morning everyone! Hope its a good day for all
Good job Shannon! First off on eating the cake, I know it was only a little piece but congrats on having some anyway! Step by step and pretty soon you’ll be having a real burger But no need to restrict before and today as a justification. I know you want to but remember- its anorexia talking. It wants its hold to get stronger on you. You know better and need to tell it to **** off! (Hugs) Sorry if that was harsh- I didnt mean it so harshly. But lets try super hard to defeat it! I know you can! You have a ton of strength in you! And it is obvious by your posts that your thinking is improving! That is amazing! Im really proud Shannon!! You deserved the cake and honestly deserve anything good!
And also well done on telling your friend. Like Aliyah said, now you will have more support! The more the better!
And Tasha- good luck dress shopping! You will look beautiful in no matter you buy!
421 rachael // Jun 6, 2008 at 10:54 am

ah i havent been able to write for awhile but i’ve been reading all the post, im glad all of you seem to be doing well and are going to incare to get help! i think its a great desicion! but bla i’ve been have a stressful weeek, i hate looking at the scale but i always do it and im getting depressed cause idk i know i ahve to gain so it should be a good thing i’m gaining wieght but its’s stresing me out and my “skinny” jeans have been too tight latley i wish i could just throw them away but yea i just feel like right now i hate how my body looks and im gaining wiehgt and its freaking me out, i had a horrible day yesterday and restricted to the point my boyfreind had to force me to eat at like 1030 last night because i just felt so gross i refused to eat all day. but thank god today has been better i;ve been keeping busy so i dont htink about it much and i’ve had two meals but no snacking but at least im eating…i hate that im stressed out about gaining wegiht though i should be excited but i just keep getting more down on myself
422 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:38 am

Rache-ino no matter what its never going to be an esy process, but we just need to stick by it.
this is the hard hard hardd bit, n in the end we are going yo come out stronger, and be ever so glad we did it.
And its soo nice ot hear youve got your boyfriend looking out for you. When u feel down and hrrible, just think how proud he would be of you

you are not alone in this battle
423 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:40 am

i just wanna add, i feel absoulteyl horrible today
i know how small and weak i look, but i just feel so huge

how i hate anorexia
424 Shannon // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:12 pm

Hey girls
Thank you so much for the encouragement! It helps so much!!

Aliyah,
I know exactly how you’re feeling. I feel like I have no energy and hate looking at all the veins in my arms…it makes me feel disgusting but yet, I still feel like a fat cow. Just keep pushing yourself to eat more to FEEL better. You are going to have so much more energy and feel alive again once you start getting the calories you need. I hope you feel better! Good luck!!

Rachel,
I know how easy it is to tell yourself to just restrict and that you don’t need to eat, especially when you have a lot of other things going on. I’m glad your boyfriend was there to make you eat and support you though! Even though you haven’t been having any snacks today it is still such a good thing that you had 2 meals. That’s definitely a big improvement over restricting all day long! Keep up the good work!!!

Saphire,
Thank you so much! You are so positive and its so encouraging for me to read your comments! They always brighten my day. How are you feeling today? And when do you get to start your new job? I bet you’re excited!

I have been restricting a little bit today but keep trying to tell myself that the meal and cake last night was completely normal and it was a GOOD thing. So I haven’t gone all day without food (like I would have use to)….so I think I’m starting to get on the right track of telling my mean, anorexic voice to f*** off!! I’m going out to dinner and to a movie with some friends tonight and will probably get something off the diet menu at dinner but I know I’ll eat it all and I also plan on having a snack when I get home tonight. I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Once again, thanks for the encouragement!
425 rachael // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Shannon- im gald you didnt starve yourself today that is so encouraging that you had cake last night and your not freaking out about it! i hope you have a good time at dinner tonight….ou should get something different you havent had and not on thediet menu! foods exciting try something new it should be fun to go out to dinner!
aliyah- your right im gald he was there to help me because i think i wouldnt have eatin at all i felt so weak yesterday but i also feltlike a huge cow idk how to even describe why we feel like that because everyone says i need to gain wiehgt but i just dont see it ah i dont even understand why i think like this i feel like whenever i eat im failing myself but thats the little voice in my head talking…and i think all women of every shape and size are beautiful so why cant i just not care? i dont know hwat it is with me because i dont judge people by looks at all so why should i assume they automatically judge me for how i look? i know i should just be healthy but its just hard
426 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:43 pm

shannon- thank u . i really needed to hear that, i DO wanna get better, but i just i dunno. i guess im just finding it hard to motivate myself.
rachel- yeah ino i cant see it too. when i look in the mirror i see fatness. its so weird.

but the fact is we all feel the same, so it is proof tht its all a delusion nd its all in our minds. cause in reality we are all realllllllllllllly slim and need to gain weight.

x
427 Jilly // Jun 6, 2008 at 4:27 pm

Hey guys. Good to hear that you are all doing well no matter what kind of day you are having today.
I feel so guilty.. Today i restricted because i knew i was going out for dinner with a friend. So all day i have had a yoghurt (and a lot of coffee). Anyways i fell asleep and was late meeting my friend. When i did i suggested that we just go for a drink rather than dinner “because eating is over rated”. I can’t believe i even said that. So a vodka later i felt really tipsy and spent the rest of the night on water! I can’t believe how far anorexia can get into your mind. I thought i was getting better and then i have a night like this that reminds me just how strong i have to be in order to get over it! It is so scary!

Take care
Jilly
xx
428 Saphire // Jun 6, 2008 at 5:13 pm

Hi everyone!
Thanx Shannon, I try to keep as positive as possible and take my own advice but its not easy. I wish I could say something really encouraging but anorexia gives us all good moments and bad ones.
I did not have a good day today. Fridays are always bad is seems because I know tomorrow is the weekend and Im usually out with my mom or with friends and then the whole eating out stuff, and I tend to restrict soo much on Fridays! And I made sure to take a very long walk today- and a power walk mind you to ‘burn’ off calories!!! That was NOT good. And the stupid thing was I knew I shouldnt be doing it but I did it anyway. But in a better light I was feeling hungry an hour ago, well not hungry but really wanting/craving some crackers so I fought that voice in my head and had them anyways so that was good. The walk not so much Anyway I guess its good I know that it was wrong, I dont have anything to exercise off anyway and if I want something to eat I should have it!!!! I should really treat everyday the same- not restrict on one day so I can ‘live’ for tomorrow. Thats really the wrong thing to think and that is just anorexia talking. So no, Im going to challenge myself and forget about the walk next friday because my body cant do it! Im going to have a good day tomorrow- I will do my best to make it a great day and not worry about food. Weekends are supposed to be great so ya I think I’ll make it that way.
Okay- this is getting a little long- welcome to another one of my essays

Everyone- please dont restrict. I restrict and feel so unbelievably crappy about it. Not only do I feel guilty for restricting but my mind gets weaker the more I restrict and I cant think clear and rational and then my body wants to binge and binge even more.
I too hate my veiny arms, they are really disgusting to me and seeing them in the mirror makes me realllly want to gain weight because I wont even go without long sleeves and I live in a desert city and its sooo hot here. I hate it!!!!

And I know, just like you said Aliyah, when I look in the mirror I see something very different than reality. I see fat- like you and the rest of us but its NOT true. Isnt it so weird how we see something that is not real?

Anyway- we just need to be strong and realize its only a lie what we see. We need to eat so we can get stronger so we can see whats really there. k- Im just rambling…
I hope everyone has a good rest of the day or night PS- Shannon- hope you have a good night, and ya try something new!!!! Life is all about trying new things and remember- doesnt revolve aroudn food and the size of our asses hehe xo
429 Tasha // Jun 6, 2008 at 9:10 pm

Hey everyone,

Saphire- it sounds like you have a lot on your mind. I used to over exercise a lot and one day I just decided to take a break and it felt really good though I did feel guilty. It’s easier to stop the exercise than to stop counting so I guess that’s one positive step so try to avoid the power walk next Friday and see how you feel. But it’s also easier said than done. I find that when I restrict, I just end up eating more at night.

When I was looking for my dress yesterday, I felt like crying so badly cos NOTHING COULD FIT ME and I was literally drowning in it. I felt especially bad in one shop where the mirror was outside and I heard girls making comments at my veins. For some reason, they always target the veins. Eventually I found a dress but it’s quite body hugging in it’s little black dress way but I don’t know. I feel like skipping my graduation when I shouldn’t.

It’s strange how we all see the veins we know we’re thin and yet, somehow we set fatness. But, I found a website yesterday which sort of made me a little more relieved about how much I eat- it said:

“To avoid bloating, abdominal upset, and fluid retention, those who are severely malnourished are started on a diet of 1,500 calories a day, gradually increasing to as much as 3,500 calories. Because anorexia triggers changes in metabolism, high caloric intake may be necessary to stimulate weight gain.”

So I’m guess under 1500 is unacceptable for any of us. =S
430 rachael // Jun 7, 2008 at 4:54 am

hi everyone, ah im not gdoing great i hate my body right now i feel so disgusted wtih the way i look, i was also wondering will our bodies ever go back to normal like if we increase our calories and i know well gain a lot at first but will it ever likeeven out? i im like freaking out cause i hate how my body looks right now and i feel like i should work out and restrict and those arent good ways to deal with this but i feel like i cant do nothing i look disgustinggg
431 Saphire // Jun 7, 2008 at 6:45 am

I know what you mean Rachael. Im not too pleased either when I look in the mirror sometimes. But our bodies will get back to normal if we increase our calories-and no 1500 is DEF not enough for any of us. My doctor told me if I was to go to inpatient he would put me on 3500 calories because the more calories you get the quicker the recovery and the quicker your body is to get back to normal. This sounds painful! But I can understand the truth to that. Doing recovery on my own right now, Im eating 2000-2500 a day and I feel like I am gettting stronger mentally and quickly aswell. I have way more good moments than bad ones. So I believe that statement posted by Tasha. We should all be eating from 2500-3500 calories right now so we can get out of our hole quicker and have our bodies even out quicker.

Tasha- Im glad you did find a dress!:) Ignore the comments, they have no idea what you are going through! And ‘little black dresses’ are very beautiful! Dont skip grad, please, you will probably regret it if you do. Its the funnest night of your life and you’ll miss out on so much if you dont go.
And remember too- how we hate how gross our veins look on our arms- well these veins will go away once we get better so let this be another motivition okay? Lets get better and beat this so we can have beautiful arms free of veins -that sounds funny but its true!
Hope everyone has a good day today! xx
432 Tasha // Jun 7, 2008 at 8:45 am

Hey,

Rachel- yes, we will go back to normal like Saphire said and Jamie Lynn Sigler was anorexic once and I think she looks wonderful now.

Thanks Saphire, your encouraging words make me feel so much better and less uneasy about Graduation. I know I shouldn’t skip it and I won’t, I’ve booked my hair and makeup appointment today, paid the my deposit and for my dress so no turning back now.

The only thing is I find that anorexia’s made me more antisocial, not sure if it’s the same as everyone else so big social events are usually a trouble nowadays.

But I agree, we have to beat this. No more veiny arms, no more comments, and no more starving ourselves. Well, one step at a time since it’s going to be a hard fight, that’s for sure.
433 Saphire // Jun 7, 2008 at 9:16 am

That is wonderful Tasha! I am so happy you are going to your grad! You will have so much fun! I remember getting my hair and makeup done for grad- you feel so pampered
And just wait- you may think it will be strang since anorexia has made you abit antisocial, but once you’re there, that will go away and you will really enjoy yourself
It will be a hard battle but one worth fighting! People survive this as will we! Happy and healthy!!!!! xx Later!
434 Aliyah // Jun 7, 2008 at 11:01 am

Tasha- awww no dont dare skip graduation. I have my prom on thurs and im soo scared for the big 3 course meal but i want to do it at the same time. Just keep eating, in the end its gna benefit YOU.Dont please anorexia.

Sapphire, its really good ur having more good moments. is it like the more u eat, the more u begin to feel better because ur winning? Ive been on the same sorta calorie ‘diet’ for ages. i dont eat enough, and some days i eat way to less, some days a bit more. but i know i need to eat more.
Rachel- yeah like the guys said, it will even out. It depends on edveryones own body how and when, buit just let it be natural. Dont try to make it fast or slow it by exercising and restricing anf stuff. Just let your body progress into its natural self.

im havin an ok day i suppose. didnt have a biig dinner or lunch i guess but i fel really full. I know i need to eat more n push myself. but im finding it hard too :/

x
435 Saphire // Jun 7, 2008 at 3:02 pm

Hey Aliyah- ya its kinda like that- the more I eat, the more I win. But really, food is a medication to this disease. The brain NEEDS food and not just a little, but a normal diet to function properly. When it functions properly it allows the mind to see things differently. When it is weak with no food, anorexia wins. Anorexia’s voice gets strong with no food, so feed the brain and we win! But yes, we all have our moments. I was never admitted to the hospital but my mom was strictly told by a doctor that if I was admitted, I would be put on a very high calorie diet- MUCH more than any of us can imagine right now and it would be a month and I would be recovered. This was a very good doctor who specializes in eds. And girls who have come from inpatient after a couple of months of high calorie diets are able to see clearly and recover quick. So it only makes sense- the more we eat, the quicker we recover! Thats why Im really giving serious consideration to admitting myself, because I really do want to recover. I dont want to prolong my recovery by you know, restricting here and there and then eating really good one week and such. But anyway… we will win this- we just have to eat more!! Food is medication remember! Im with ya Aliyah- fight hard!! xx Hope you had a good day!
436 heatherlynn // Jun 7, 2008 at 4:14 pm

hi I am going through a very rough time…I hv been out of partial hospitalization ed trtmnt for 3 wks now, I have gained weight but its all uneven and altogether I hv gained 50 lbs from where i was at I was 81 now I’m 130 at 5ft 7 24 yrs of age. Can anyone tell me how long it took them for their weight to redistribute evenly throughout their body. I am so uneven right now that I look pregnant and I hv a puffy face and I am miserable. I just wnna look normal … plz feel free 2 email me I am in a drk place in which their seems to be no end.
437 Sara // Jun 7, 2008 at 6:16 pm

Hi, Heatherlynn,

I hope you will get used to your new reflection even before your weight redistributes itself. (I have 1 or 2 pictures where I looked a little awkward, but not after that first summer.) It must give you a double-take to look in the mirror and see something other than what you’re used to. Even if that “other” is coming closer to the beautiful person you were created to be.

I like that term, “beautiful person” (such a hippie phrase!), because you are so much more than an outline. You are an intelligent person with a caring heart who deserves to be **loved**!

Here’s something to read that might help you…
http://www.velveteenprinciples.com/excerpt/index.htm
438 Shannon // Jun 7, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Hey everyone,
I felt like I had a pretty good day today. I think I restricted a little more than I should have but it wasn’t too bad all in all. I felt happier today and didn’t find myself focused on food so much which is definitely nice! Dinner with my friends last night was ok. We went to a mexican restaurant and I didn’t have any of the chips/dip appetizer because I thought that if I had one I would binge and not be able to stop. I ordered a grilled chicken taco salad and ate all of it (with salsa as dressing because they didn’t have fat free), but I didn’t eat the shell it came in. I did have a snack when I came home though so it wasn’t too bad. Tomorrow I am going swimming with my mom and some of her friends. I’m kind of nervous to be in my bathing suit because I don’t want to hear peoples’ comments! But I think most of the girls that are going to be there know about my ED and are concerned/worried about me so hopefully they will be understanding.

Saphire,
I love how you are referring to food as a medication! You are SO right. We all need it!!

Heatherlynn,
From what I’ve read and what my nutritionist has told me the weight will redistribute once we get back to eating normal again. It just takes awhile for our bodies to adjust and realize that we aren’t starving anymore. Don’t worry…just stay healthy. I’m sure you look amazing!!!

Aliyah,
I like the fact that you said that we all feel the same way, which just goes to prove its the ED and not reality. That made a lot of sense to me. Thanks!

Just curious, would anyone be interested in trading pictures? If not I completely understand, but it would just be nice to put a face with all you girls’ sweet comments and stories.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Keep up the good work girls…we WILL beat this!
439 Tasha // Jun 7, 2008 at 10:36 pm

Hey guys,

Shannon, you sound a lot more positive and happier than your previous posts so I’m really happy for you and keep it up cos then you’re well on your way to recovery. As for the pictures, I wouldn’t mind trading pictures but at the same time, I’m a bit reluctant to since do you think it’s wise for us to see other girls who are just as skinny as us? I don’t know, the ED voice might start to make us question whether we’re too fat or something.

Aliyah, best of luck for your prom, I think we all know how it feels to be scared of eating that much. I don’t even know how I’m going to eat at Grad, ours is a 5 course meal- any big school event in my school always is. And it’s a good thing that you ate your lunch and dinner till you were full. Even if you don’t think you ate enough, at least you were full so you didn’t restrict and eventually, your appetite will grow (in a healthy way) so don’t feel upset about it, take it as a positive step to recovery.

Saphire, yes, food is our medication. It’s amazing how the cure to our ED is something as simple as food when the ED itself is so complicated.

But the good thing is, summer’s starting and that means no more exams and school for a bit so we can all really focus on recovering and make it our priority so we can all feel healthy and give our body what is so desperately needs. For me, I found the stress of exams usually got in the way.

Hope everyone had a good day or will have a good day.
440 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2008 at 2:04 am

Shannon- hey yeah i wouldnt mind traind pics. you have an email addy or something like that?

Sapphire- thank u so much. that makes so much sense. i am definetly going totry and eat a bit more and win:D keep going too. i know there will always be dark, hard days, but there will always be good, sunny days and yeah food is our medication definetly. we need to have it no matter what and how we feel.

Tasha- thank you. i am going to use it as a big step fowars and not BACK as anorexia may like. you too, see it as a step in the right direction.
just enjoy the food, im partly looking fwd to it, and thats the old aliyah side coming bak.
Heathelynn- hey there. i dont know much about weight distribution. but so far all mine has gone to one place, so it is just a natural thing, and it will even out. Yur body needs to trust you again. when it does it will even out. its so used to being starved i gues, it needs to keep it in the places the body needs it most first. but keep with it, it may seem hard, well it IS hard, but its WORTH IT.

Keep your head up andbe proud youve come this far
441 Sara // Jun 8, 2008 at 4:46 am

I’m inclined to agree with Tasha on the trading pictures idea. I wouldn’t mind if people saw me, as I’m not skinny, I’m just me. But I wonder if it wouldn’t make us more focused on outward appearances than we are already?

When someone says to me, “I’m fat”, my gut reaction is to look them up and down and judge, “No, you’re not–you look fine.”

However, I remember that especially during early recovery, when I was having a “fat day”, there was usually something else bothering me, and feeling “fat” was just a way of putting it onto the surface. Even to this day, I think my struggle with the gym has been a surface way of covering up how I feel about this guy that I like…

I dated a guy recently for about 6 months. We eventually decided we weren’t right for each other, but part of it was the fact that I always felt pressured to *change* for him. He never really like me for me, he was always trying to measure me up to some ideal standard. At the same time, both my parents were heavily pressuring me to wear makeup, dye my hair, and dress up in ways that are totally NOT ME. I *never* wear makeup, and eventually I got tired of the charade. At that point, his interest waned and so did mine–I buried myself in novel-writing and tried to forget the fact that I was bored with him, too. Actually, I was the one who broke that off and I’m glad I did.

I’ve been single for over a year now, and there’s this guy in church that I think likes me. I quickly decided I like him too, and now I feel like I’m totally projecting a lot of my former boyfriend’s expectations onto him. It’s totally illogical. He’s never given any indication that he likes me for reasons other than my heart and my passion for Christ. But of course, I’m listening too much to my parents and not enough to reality, so I feel like, in order to “maintain” his interest (as if that’s something I could control!) I should get in shape and look nice for him. It’s totally messed up. I’m not sure what to do about it from here.

Wow, sorry this has waxed long. But anyway, yeah, I think that’s why body-image issues are coming out again after all these years.
442 Shannon // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:37 am

hey guys,
i totally understand about the pictures. its no big deal. my email addy is shanni0121@yahoo.com for anyone who does want to trade (even if its just a head shot). i hope everyone has a good day! my parents are planning a nice family dinner tonight so i know i’ll have a normal meal there and i’m going to try super hard to eat normal today and just not think about food. i’m off to the pool good luck everyone!!
443 Saphire // Jun 8, 2008 at 8:25 am

Good morning everyone! My day’s just started and Im hoping to make it a good one today I would love to trade pics with you Shannon but unfortunately my computer is incredibly stubborn and wont let me so easily However- Im getting a new one soon so def! And I would probably be a little more comfortable wiht just head shots because we are all still in the vulnerable triggering stages of anorexia so body shots might not be the best but I agree- I would for sure love to put a face to you wonderful words And I have to say, you seem a lot more positive in your last few posts! That is really wonderful! Im sooo happy for you, you have no idea. Fight hard- you are doing so great! And I love those taco salads! Lets go for the bowl next time though okay? We’ll both challenge ourselves because i usually skip the bowl too- but hey, its the best part

Heatherlynn, hello! I agree with Sara when she says we are more than an outline. We are all incredibly beautiful inside and outside. I know this disease makes it hard to see that but keep fighting okay? Keep strong. You want to win this and beat anorexia. I know you do- you want to LIVE life to its fullest and be happy and healthy. The weight does redistribute. I know girls who have recovered and their weight has redistributed. Its hard to believe that now but its true. Once you have been eating good food- a normal diet and consistantly, your body will stabalize. Your metabolism will start functioning at its best once again and yes, the weight will redistribute . Hang in there- keep fighting okay? You have come so far. Dont give in to anorexia, dont let it beat you! Like Aliyah said- be proud of what you have achieved so far and KEEP GOING!! xx
444 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2008 at 10:57 am

Sapphire- your posts so positive. i really hope u had a good day. udersever it so much,
your words froma previous post about how the more we eat the more our head becomes clear, made me finish off my soup today.
i was at my boyfriends, n i , yes ashamed to admit it, felt ike skipping dinner. so i settled for a light soup, and i didnt want it all, becuse i didnt know how many calories are in it. But i thought of your words and thought hey i need this, i shud enjoy it. i ate it all. so thnks sapphire!

I think al lot of the posts have been nice and postivie. its soo good 2 read. i always think about everyone throughout my day, wanting to share my gd news.. and bad when i have that!

Lastly before i go, i just wanna say, sometimes if anyones having a particulary bad day, and no ones online to reply, i found reading your own posts to urself, and pretend they are from someone else helps. u tell urself the advice u wud give them, and do it urself.u no what i mean?

Also uno i wish all of us, cud go out for a meal. A bunch of people WITH anorexia . We are not ANOREXIC. its something we have, not something we ARE.always remember that.
445 boywonder // Jun 8, 2008 at 12:06 pm

hi i am a recovering anorexic but i am finding it so hard and need some support from people who feel the way i do. i am 5 “1 and when i was let out of hospital i was 77 pounds. That was the last time i was weighed as i dont want scales 2 control my life anymore, and my therapist thought it wud be better 2 never weigh as long as i ate everything on my plan. I managed 2 do it for a while, but i reli cant deal with feeling full. Its not that i dont like food,i just feel completely fat and useless after eating, so i keep lying and not eating everything. I reli need some tips on how 2 convince me 2 eat, cuz my therapist told me he thought i was losing more, and if i countinue 2 look like im losin im gonna get hospitalised again. Do you have any tiips on how to motivate me 2 eat, cuz i reli dont want 2 go 2 hospital again, but this disease is so powerful..
446 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2008 at 12:13 pm

hey boywonder, allof us on this site are going thru/been thru what u have been.
ok firstl of all we all need food, if we dont have it, we cant function properlly. so if u find ur meals fill u up too much, have little often. like hve a small lunch, then something like 2 hours after.
the more u eat, the faster ur metabolism will speed up.
apart from that write down a list of the reasons of why u want to recover, think of all the wonderous places u can go out to eat and have WHATEVER you want on the menu. YOU deserve to enjoy food and why not eat? what do u gain ? the answer is NOTHING except a false sense of control.
Control the disease, dont let it control you.
Ypou are beautiful, no matter what anorexia may try to sau.
And someone really wisely said, food is medication for ur body. See it as medication, that u need to have it, and your body deserves it.

good luck, we are all here for you. keep posting and let is know how u do.
oh and a last wee thing, when u eat, a meal and feel quite full, do something else to keep ur mind of it. like reading, or watching a programme. before u know it, you feel beter
447 Shannon // Jun 8, 2008 at 4:42 pm

Hey everyone,
I think face shots are a good idea. There’s no need for any of us to focus on body…its about feeling healthy! I feel like I restricted during the day more than I should have but nobody said anything about my body at the pool so that was nice! I just ate dinner with my family and we had grilled fish, baked potatoes, salad, bread, and watermelon. I had all of the above and ate quite a bit. It was all really good and I feel pretty full. I will have a snack later once the fullness feeling from dinner goes away.

Boywonder,
Just keep trying to stay positive and eat all of your meals. I think it is easier to eat smaller amounts more often. That way you don’t feel like you are stuffing yourself but you’re still getting the calories you need to gain weight. Good luck and stay strong!!

Aliyah,
I think it does help to go back and read your own posts. It gives some insight on how you’ve been feeling in the past and how far you’ve come. Good idea!!

Saphire,
You are so sweet. Your comments always make me smile. I think its a good plan for both of us to have the taco salad shell next time because you’re right, that is the best part!! I hope you are doing well and staying strong. I think I can speak for everyone on this site in saying that you are such an encouraging and inspiring person! I wish you and everyone else struggling all the best!!!
448 Saphire // Jun 8, 2008 at 6:21 pm

Thank you Shannon, Aliyah! Your words are so sweet! as are you guys! And you always make me smile aswell!!!

Shannon- I am so glad to hear you had a good day at the pool! I love going swimming, but I havent gone to a public pool for such a long time because well, you know… the comments And I dont really enjoy showing off my arms. But I figure, Im going to go when I go on holidays next week because I love swimming and I shouldnt care about what other people think. Easier said than done true, but I need to challenge myself!! And that sounds like a wonderful meal you had!! Actually I had watermelon today aswell!! You are doing amazing Shannon! I know you still restrict- as do I, its all part of recovery. The crappy part, but at least we are getting stronger. That is obvious!

And Aliyah- it makes me soooo happy to know that you thought of my words when you were debating on whether or not to finish your soup! I actually think of you and your positivity and really, everyone on here when Im eating. It reminds me that I need to finish whatever it is Im eating and not throw it away because if I do- I’ll just be stepping back which is not good. You have come such a long way since December- like i said before- you’re my role model Its been 1 whole month today since I decided to turn my life around and you have been getting stronger and recovering for almost 6 months now- (I hope this is right)! This is so wonderful! you are doing great! And I so wish we could all go out together- that would be unbelievably great!!! A bunch of us-yes ‘with’ anorexia, NOT who are anorexic! you said it perfectly. We are in control- not the other way around!!

Keep positive Boywonder and strong. Keep eating consistantly and your metabolism will get back to speed and your mind will get stronger and you WILL beat this. Remember- if you think you look fat- it is only the LIE anorexia is telling you. Look anorexia in the face and tell it it is only a lie. The more you say that, the more you will believe it. You want to beat it! I know you do. Keep strong! We are all here in this together and will support you. Lets all stay on this road to recovery. Recovery is really the only road to life- and LIVING life- so to speak!
Hope everyone had a good day and I wish you all the very very best!!!! Talk to ya soon!! xo
449 Shannon // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:43 pm

Saphire,
You have made a lot of progress in just a month…I definitely know you will beat this!! I’m not sure if you have mentioned it before but do you or have you been seeing a therapist or nutritionist to help your recovery? I know exactly what you mean about your arms. Today when I was laying out next to my mom I made the comment that I hate how my arms look. She told me to use that as motivation to keep working hard to look healthier. Where are you going on your trip? And with who? I went to the Dominican Republic in March and it was AMAZING! I had a wonderful time! I love swimming so much too!! Don’t be afraid to be out in your bathing suit. I got some funny looks but just be confident in yourself and keep working to look healthier. I think its pretty good motivation to keep eating!

I just got my evening snack and I was going to have some strawberries and yogurt but I thought about this website and how I’m not going to let the anorexic bully win so instead I decided to have a bowl of cereal with milk! I haven’t had cereal with milk for so long (if I do eat cereal I just eat it dry) and its so good! I am not going to let myself feel guilty for it and might even have a little bit more!
450 Aliyah // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:31 am

Shannon- well done on your meal! it sounds really yummy tooo !omg well done on your snack. thats sooo good to hear seriously.
i havent had cereal in ages, but i really am going to soon. youve jus encouraged me here.
WELL DONE. keep it up . your winning you just kicked anoreixas butt there btw, by having the cereal instead of the fruit!

Spahhire- hope u have a gd day, and yeh u were right haha about 6 months. another 6 months n ill be free from this i hope!
eat your food, enjoy it, youve come soooo far too.
451 Saphire // Jun 9, 2008 at 9:07 am

Hi everyone!!
I hope everyone is feeling good today. Im not sure yet- my day’s just starting but Im gonna try and make it a good one!

Shannon- I actually have not been seeing a therapist or nutrionist yet. Im trying to find a therapist that I used to see a few years ago before I had this ed but I cant seem to get a hold of her. I think she might not be living in the city any longer. And I want to see a nutritionist- well I need to because it always seems like I need reassuring from my mom that this food or whatever isnt going to make me balloon lol. I have a doctors appointment after I come back from vacation and then I will be referred to one.

I would love to go somewhere like the Dominican- it looks so beautiful there! But Im going to be going on a road trip across Canada. I live in British Columbia and Im going probably to Quebec. Im looking forward to it but at the same time, Im realllly stressing about it because road trips consist of a lot of sitting and I wont be getting really any exercise and its really taking a toll on me worrying about it. Any suggestions anyone to put this worry at ease? Im going this Friday and will be gone for 5 days and Im stressin about it like crazy!!!!!! I’m not worried about the food or what Im going to eat because I’ll eat good and healthy anyway but just the not activity bit is killin me a bit! Help!!!

But Shannon- congrats on the cereal!! To be honest with you, I LOVE cereal and before I decided to kick anorexia in the ass, I only ate cereal on my ‘indulging’ or cheat days (Saturday and Sunday) but as of a month ago, I eat about two cups of cereal every night! and with some milk. I figure, if I want it, I should have it. If I dont let myself have something I really want, then Im letting ana win. Each time I do that, I step back one step in my recovery and I cant do that! So everyone- if you want something- because obviously your body needs it- have it! and enjoy it! Besides- cereal has carbs in it that we NEED- every person needs carbs so their brains can function. Honestly- after I have cerial- my mind is completly sharp. Its true! Ever since I put more carbs in my diet- oatmeal in the morning, sandwich at lunch, some kind of carbs for dinner and then cereal it has improved me sooo much!

Aliyah- you have come so far! And are doing so great! Dont give up! Keep on fighting! You’re gonna win as are all of us if we just keep going!

Have an amazing day everyone!!!!!! x0x
452 Saphire // Jun 9, 2008 at 9:11 am

wow- that is a long post- sorry guys! I tend to ramble on abit hehe
453 Aliyah // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:57 am

spahhire- dont worry about exercise, cause you know what. YOU DONT NEED IT. your going ot be on holiday so im sure you’ll be doing some waslking around and stuff.
but dont let it ruin your holiday. enjoy it . you deserve it.

ive had a good day today. even after dinner, i sat with my family. i never do taht, i usually stay in my room on my own. I just feel so much better these daays, and everyones comments and stuff really helps.
i appreciate ALL you guys soo sooo much.
454 Saphire // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:35 am

Awe thanks Aliyah, and we all appreciate you and your words of encouragment very very much!
I know I shouldnt worry about the exercise but that was a HUGE part of my ed almost bigger than food. And to even let it go for a few days, well its just kinda geeking me out a bit. But you are so right, I’m going to try my very hardest not to let it ruin my holiday.
Im so glad you had a good day today!! And your family must be just so incredibly happy that you are doing so well!
Have a good night Aliyah!
455 Aliyah // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:11 pm

sapphire- aww thanks yeah they said they can see a change in me, and its really down to ll yous. I dont find my counceller much help to be honest. i think i can open up easier to everyone on this cause i know your goin thru the same thing.

yeah i totally understand the exercise is hard, but uno ur on holidy im sure u’kk be wlking around n stuff.
if ur stayin in a hotel tehre maybe be a pool? do a bit of swimming. but enjoy it, its going to be great and new big step in the right direction eh
have a good day/night , dunno what time it is where u are. we r in diff time zones!
x
456 Sara // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:31 pm

Shannon,
Way to go girl! Each time you choose to listen to your body like that, you starve your disease and give more strength to your true self. You totally deserve it. (Doesn’t it feel great to sit down and eat exactly what you’ve been feeling like you want?)

Saphire,
That’s so awesome, I’ve always wanted to go to Quebec (and try out my little bit of French!) I think vacations can be stressful because our culture is so driven that we feel guilty just to kick back and relax, spend some “me-time,” eat out, or go to a spa. And sometimes that’s exactly what you need to do. As for your worries, you know it’s only your disease talking. You’re taking the week off, and you totally deserve it!

I’ve finally been taking my advice more about exercising. This week I’d planned to work out Monday and Tuesday, but as plans turned out, I’m at my mom’s house both days. So I was starting to feel disgruntled… and then I got my period. I totally can’t exercise because I get nightmare cramps, and my mom’s is the perfect place to just sack out on the couch with my guitar all evening. I felt it was like God’s way of reminding me He still knows what’s best for me.

Cheers, everybody!
457 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Aliyah,
That’s wonderful that you sat with your family after dinner!! I’m like you, after I eat a lot I usually like to be alone but I have been trying to be more social around food and not think about it so much so keep up the good work and I will too! I bet your family loved having your company and it also helps keep your mind off the food and anorexia. I know what you mean about your therapist. I was seeing one and I felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards so then I switched and like my new one so much better. But this site helps so much because you all know exactly what I’m going through. But just keep plugging along and keep up the good work…you’re doing so good! Well done girl!! And go ahead and have some cereal…it was so delicious (I think I’ll be having more tonight)!!!

Saphire,
I know what you mean about exercising! I was completely obsessed with going to the gym and working out for quite awhile. I even worked out for 2 hours everyday when I was in the Dominican on vacation. But at the end of April my gym membership expired and that’s when I made the decision that I had to beat this dumb disease. So I refused to let myself renew the membership and just quit going cold turkey (it was really tough the first week)! But of course I did other stuff like exercised outside instead but the weather wasn’t very nice at that time so I could only do that a few days a week. Eventually I started “working out” outside less and less and now I don’t do anything at all and its simply amazing!! None of us have the energy right now to exercise and we definitely don’t need to! But if you find yourself really worried about it while you’re gone just try to use the stairs whenever possible (that usually makes me feel like I’m atleast doing something) and go for walks when you get the chance (in the hotels or rest areas). Aliyah’s pool idea is also really good. Just stay out of the gym (if the hotel has one), because I think if I went back to the gym once I would get back into my exercise OCD mode and be doomed! I know you’ll be fine though…you are so strong and have come so far!! Road trips are so much fun. You’re going to have a blast!!
458 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:58 pm

Oh yeah,
I went shopping today because all of my summer clothes are too big and I was just going to get a few things (because I know I need to gain weight so no sense in buying a bunch of small clothes). And the sizes I was trying on were smaller than anything I ever expected myself to be. This was a real wake up call and motivation for me to EAT MORE and kick anorexia’s booty!!!
459 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 2:00 pm

Ah I keep forgetting things. Sorry for all the posts! But in a sick way being able to fit into the small sizes made me feel good at first. But then I talked myself through it and rationalized things in my head and know that was just the ED talking. I pushed those thoughts right out of my mind though and turned it into motivation to gain weight!
460 rachael // Jun 9, 2008 at 3:48 pm

Hey girls! im glad to hear you have all been doing wel i’ve been reading the post gah a lot! hahah but thats good i have had a rough couple of days thats why i ahvent been on but today was good, i ate pretty decent! and by reading your posts you all seem to be in a good positive mood im glad! btw i would be willinging to give a head shot too not body…i ten to still compare myself to everyone so it would prob discourage me you know?

shannon- im so gald you changed your mind about hte samll sizes…i was like that too when something small fit i was in a sick way happy about it but when my jeans stopped fitting and zeros wouldnt even fit i was so embarrassed i wouldnt waer jeans only sweats so im glad the small sized make you wanna gain! thats one thing that helped me was when i couldt even fit into a 0 and now i almost fit into a size two just right!

saphire- i hope oyu have a fun trip! that sounds excited i would love to go on a road trip…im actually going to the beach tomorrow till friday im excited and its with my best freind and shes one of the only ones that knows about my ed so i am not worried about how i look around her ! but yea the excersize thing dont sweat it b/c you dont need to wrok out it will be a fun break! and you will probably be busy with all the excitment you will eat well too!! i hope!]\\

aliyah- im so glad your doing well! its great you sat wtih your family aafter dinner i wish i could do that haha i cant even have dinner with my family…my sisters are too judgmental and really discourage me b.c they dont know about my ed only my mom and she told my dad so my sisters call me anorexic all the time not even knowing so it sucks i usually still eat alone, i wish i c=had the courage to sit with my family and have a big dinner like when i was younger

sara- thats good your at your moms place it sounds so fun haha i wish we could all like have a sleepover and talk about these things in person this site really helps me cause no one around me understands it you know? im glad your getting better it sounds like! and it probably is god’s way of helping you haha i totally believe in that!

well i hope everyones day is going welll and if not im here to talk!
461 Saphire // Jun 9, 2008 at 5:31 pm

Hey everyone!!
I hope everyone is doing well at this moment and had a good day. I felt kinda off mood wise. Im still constantly thinking about my upcoming holiday-ahhhh!! I should quit stressin tho. And all of you- you are right! I do not need to exercise. Its just that I was so obsessed with working out like 2 and a half hours each day prior to this month. And also as time goes by and Im eating so much (well a far leap from before) and the fear of gaining a whole bunch of weight gets bigger, I panic at the thought of no exercise for a whole week. But you guys are right, its not like I’ll be glued to the seat of my car the whole time! And of course like you said Aliyah, I’ll be walking around. So ya, I shouldnt stress. Reading everyones posts are so encouraging to me, they really are. You have no idea how glad I am to share my thoughts with all you guys. I dont really have anyone else. Theres my mom, but shes not dealing with it so she doesnt understand as you do. So thanks!

Rachael- Im glad you are doing better. Everyyone has their rough patches and yes, you dont feel like writing. I have been keeping a recovery journal since I started and its funny, when I have good days I can write essays but when Im not, I dont even want to do anything! But Im super happy you are doing better. I love that amazing feeling when you know you are on the right track and need to eat to get healthy and when ana is not in your head! So keep strong and fighting!!! And have fun at the beach tomorrow!!! Im envious! The weather has been so awful here the last week its just so gloomy. I wish it would get hot enough to go to the beach!

Sara! Its good to hear from you and you sound like your doing pretty good Have fun at your mom’s okay? that honestly does sound fun just lazin on the couch with your guitar. I play guitar as well. Its amazing how when Im feeling down I just pluck away at different tunes and get lost in the music.

And Shannon- I totally know what you mean with shopping. A few months back I was secretly happy I was so thin that double 0 wouldnt even fit me. Now I realize that no one should be that thin if its unnaturally thin like we are. I have a pair of capris in my closet and I am so wanting them to fit again. I want to fill them out because now they just hang and look awful! Curves are beautiful. I mean we are women not underdeveloped children- thats what Ive been told I look like- an underdeveloped child. And its true! I am able to see that now, and as I gain weight I realize that the curves I get eventually will be so beautiful and I strive for them! This is a moment when ana isnt talking- can you tell? haha but its true. When we see things hang on our bodies- it is a true reminder to kick ana in the ass big time!

Yup- I think this is another one of my essays lol. But anyway- I love to talk can ya tell? Good positive wishes and hugs to everyone! xx
462 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 3:17 am

sharron- thats really good about your rationalising about the sizes. i get that thought too, when i try on stuff and its the smallest size, and it doesnt fit. but at the same itme, part of me is annoyed cause it means it doesnt look nice on.
but i guess its proof, anoreixia plays with out thoughts and tries to alter them. So dont let it!

Rachel – sorry to hear uv had afew hard days, but its all part of the process isnt it. Hope its many good days though to come:D
sapphire- i can imgine how hard it is. i had my exercise obseesion too, but i stopped when i realised i dont need it. And like everyone said, your going to be having such a good time, enjoying your holiday you wont even notice about the lack of exercise. And remember dont let anorexia meddle with your thoguhts, if u think something like omg if i dont exercise all week im going to gain so much weight. just remember thats anorexia, thats not reality. Its more like, ok i may not be exercisisng, but its not going to make much difference cause my body needs the food for energy, and i will be doing some exercise.
enjoy it. its going to be a huge step in the right way:D

have a great day everyone!

x
463 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:21 pm

hey everyone. im sorry i havent been on in quite a while now. my life has been crazy busy!

i recently started throwing up again. i went through that a little before..before the anorexia got bad, then i just stopped throwing up but stopped eating. it seemed i was getting better and better but in the last month or so even my mindset seems to be different. for a while when someone would give me something to eat i would either eat it(at least some) or be upset that i couldnt get myself to. but no matter what there was some part of me that WANTED to eat. now when someone gives me something i dont WANT to at all. its like i completely hate food again. and then when i do want something and i eat it i throw up after. idk what to do.
i have a dance show in a couple days.. i just dont want to pass out on stage. i want to dance the best i can.
464 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:25 pm

www ryanelle im so sorry to heat youve been having a hard time.
you need to tell yourself, tht for dance you need to be fit n healthy.
you want to have a strong healhty body so you can dance the best u can.
you dont want to ruin your dance career do you? of course u dont, but anoreixa does, so dont let it!
be strong
x
465 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:38 pm

thanks:)
its just everytime i eat i feel so grose and i get sooo mad at myself so i just throw up. it never makes me feel better though so i dont really know why i do it.
i want a normal life. but i cant help wanting to lose weight too. and that voice is always telling me that i shouldnt have stopped dieting and now i have to start all over again. i know i shouldnt start over again though..
466 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:41 pm

after you eat u shud do something to keep ur mind off it like got for a walk, or read something.
purging has hprrible effects, it ruins ur throat, u can get affections and ulcers.
Think of all the horrible effects.
and u sed that u want a normal life, thats the REAL ryanelle, the but saying i want to lose weight is anorexia.
dont let it win.
ino how hard it is, but u did soo well, u got 2 ur ideal weight didnt u?
dont let anorexia take over agen1
x
467 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:48 pm

yeah you’re right.
okayy..im gunna really really try not throwing up again.
i think maybe i got to this weight too fast. i got sorta ahead of myself and now that im there its too much for me to handle, you know?
ima keep working though. thanku
how’s your recovery going? how far along are you?
468 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:52 pm

yeah just go at your own pace
ive been really good yeah, i found as i eat more n more my head is becoming clearer
today my friend offered me some of her chocolate yoghurt thing, n i normally wud have sed no. But i had a few bites, and in my mind i was like omg im gna put on weight. but i realised that was anorexia messing with my thoughts. I jus said to myself, no ur not, its a few bites its not going to do anything to u at all

yeah , are u still at ur target weight or have u lost due to pruging?
just think u dont want to spend ur life purging, its not pleasant . I dont want u to do it, i hated it when i used to. everytimg i felt soo crap after feeling hungry and sore.
not the life any of us deserve. Specially as there are starving people all over the world.
we’re so lucky.
x
469 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:11 pm

oh thats awesome! good for you! just keep trying to not feel guilty when you are able to do things like that. live in the moment and enjoy it:)

im hardly ever around a scale anymore so i havent weighed myself. i might have lost a couple pounds but not anything really noticeable or anything. there are still some days when i manage to eat. but its never more than two meals in a day.
470 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:15 pm

yeah its usually better not to weight yourself eh/
the number just ruins ur day.
u still seeing the counceller?
remember, if the brain is deprived of food, it wont function properly. U give it food, u will feel better.
someone sed to treat food like medicine, eat 3 meals no maatter how u feel. even if its jus a little, cause its better than nothing.

and thanks, yeh im jus taking it a day at a time. i have my prom on thurs, and its a 3 course meal and im pretty scared about it, but i need to be able to do these sorta things if i wanna go out n eat with friends and stuff.
weight wise, ive still got a bit to go, i havent gained any in a while, ive jus been maintaining i guess. but i need to up it, stil not had my period and stuf so i know i have to push myself.
x
471 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:34 pm

try to think of that meal at prom as more of a fact than a question if you know what i mean. you can do it. and when you do just keep a positive mind set as best you can. DO NOT feel guilty. its a great step towards not being afraid of food. think of how proud you will be with yourself after..ill be proud of you too!
gaining is important. but taking it at a good pace is too..try gaining some more, i think you can do it:) doesnt matter how slow, any step forward is awesome, no matter how small!
472 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:40 pm

I know
but the thoguth is scary, its such a big meal :/
but i think of my dress, i look soo weak in it, i dislike the way i look in my prom dress, i had to get it al fitted n i know people are just going to be staring at how gaunt i look i guess. But i need to try and get over it.

you can do it too
just get comfortable with food think of ur dance when u have a bad day, and write on this, it does help
xx
473 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:56 pm

eating the dinner will even help you look slightly healthier. it wont make you gain weight or anything but often when i havent eaten much for a couple days or even just one, the ppl im close to tell me i look sick. i have even gotten comments from ppl who dont know about any of this, asking if im sick or saying i dont look very well. but try not to worry too much. if you are thinking too much about food, weight and appearance then you wont enjoy yourself as much.

you’re right though, writing here does help alot!..i missed it
474 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 2:11 pm

awww i guess our bodies are so desperate for food, just depriving it makes it look unwell.
i wish i cud see myself for how i look. i look in the mirror nd ino i see myself as fat and big, but thats jus anorexia. i dont know what i look like.
my friends do make comments, caus ei eat really healthy and they all have crisps and stuff, and im still not comfortable with it. I just want to say sometimes PLEASE LEAVE ME BE i will get to the stage where i can have whatever i want, but let me get there yano?

as much as i hate to say it, ino on the day of prom, i will restrict a bit and probably have a relly small lunch so i can ‘eat more’ at prom.
i cant belive how much of an issue it becomes doing something like this. A few years ag it would have been nothing!
anywys i gta go, do reply, i’ll reply when i come on next.

take care, was nice speakin to u agen and thanks for listening. it helped
keep strong oki
x
475 Saphire // Jun 10, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Hey everyone! Hope everyone is doing good today!
Hi Rynelle! Do not give in to anorexia. It is being very bad, I can see that. Being a dancer- that is amazing! I’ve always wanted to dance professionally or in a class, you feel so free! But to dance your best, Aliyah is right when she says you have to be strong and fit and you need food to give you that energy to become strong and fit. Don’t let anorexia beat you. Stand up to it and fight like you’ve never fought before. Weightgain is a part of recovery- it is your goal and something to be proud of! Don’t let this disgusting disease beat you- be strong!
And Aliyah- your prom on Thursday! I am soooo excited for you! You’re going to have the best time and you will look so beautiful! Don’t restrict because you know you will eat at your prom dinner. Just treat it as a normal day and ENJOY every minute of it! You totally deserve it! If the food is amazing- have more! Eat a lot and enjoy it! Its all part of it and you will have so much fun. I so wish I could be there
Best wishes to everyone- stay strong! xx
476 Tasha // Jun 10, 2008 at 7:56 pm

Hey,

Rynelle- I’m sorry to hear that it’s beginning to take a toll on your dancing career but just look at this as a minor setback and move forward. I mean we all have our weak moments but what we decide do about it is really what counts. Don’t let anorexia compromise your potential because it eventually will and like you said, people can tell that we don’t look well- we always look tired, obvious eye bags and all. Though it’s really hard, just do it one step at a time but focus on moving forward.

Aliyah- I’m just as freaked out as you so I don’t know how to offer any advice. But one thing I found that helped was when I looked back at my prom photo in December, I looked so thin compared to my friends in their dresses and I told myself I wouldn’t be like that for Grad. Turns out I was wrong but I guess even if you see yourself as fat in the mirror, when you see your prom photos, you’ll probably realise that you’re not compared to everyone else. I think I’m going to print out a photo and stick it up so I can remind myself that I need to gain but it’s so hard- I don’t even know what to do about the 5 courses. I was panicking between chicken and fish for mains, cos I chose fish but now I’m worried that it comes with cream sauce which I shouldn’t be doing. But good luck for prom and hope you have a fantastic night, just try to focus on having fun with your friends and ignore their comments, they don’t understand what we go through, no one will until they go through it themselves.

Saphire- hope you have a great road trip and in terms of activity, I think you’ll probably find yourself to be doing enough. When I went for a road trip across the Rockies last summer, I was freaked out too but I found that when we weren’t driving, we were walking around and on our feet most of the time exploring stuff. I mean you’ll be on holiday with your family, having fun and stuff, not being cooped up in a car the whole day! So even though I know none of us need the extra exercise, but I suppose the thought that you will be doing enough is a little comforting and will prevent you from restricting.

Hope everyone has or had a good day.
477 Aliyah // Jun 11, 2008 at 1:30 am

sapphire- thanks. i really will try to enjoy it, i will. Its the alcohol too, and the pary after, so many calories. but i know i neeeed it. im going to kick anoreixas butt!
hope u have a great day, when is ur away on holiday?
like tasha sed you will have great time n u will be doing some exercise, so dont fret lovely!
you can enjoy urself, enjoy food, and be happy

Tasha- yeah ino how you feel. when is it?
mines is tomorrow so im going to be anxious now till the event!
just try to enjoy it though, u dnt have to eat every single thing, jus eat and see how u feel.
fish sounds yummy, and is healthy! just add a little sauce if u get it, uno, dont worry. i’ll be going thru the same thing, n we both have the same thoughts which just proves its anorexia playing with our minds agen.
i ordered the vegeterianis dish for prom, but i have no idea whats in it.
tomorrow will tell i guess.

x
478 Tasha // Jun 11, 2008 at 4:46 am

Hey,

Aliyah- My grad ball’s on Friday, a day after your prom but it’ll probably be on the same day since I’m about half a day ahead of you I think. I’m really anxious about it too, I’m even planning what to eat on the day itself like breakfast and lunch when I know I shouldn’t but the thought just seems to creep in. But yeah I agree with you, the fact that we’re both fretting about it is the anorexia voice, I mean the old me- LOVED food, I still do but two proms ago, I never cared about it, I just enjoyed it.

Well best of luck Aliyah, I’m sure you’ll look stunning and enjoy being pampered! Is this your last prom? If it is, make the most out of it and hope you have an amazing time.
479 Shannon // Jun 11, 2008 at 8:06 am

Tasha and Aliyah,
I know what you’re both going through. But like you’ve been telling eachother…just enjoy yourselves at your dances! You are going to have so much fun I bet the food won’t even be as big of an issue as you’re thinking it might be. Don’t worry about the sauce on the fish. If there even is any I’m sure it won’t be bad for you and you need it anyway girl! I bet you’re both going to look so beautiful in your dresses. I think seeing the pictures next to your friends will help you realize that you need the extra calories. I know I don’t see myself as too thin when I look in the mirror but when I see pictures of myself where I’m next to the friends that I think are “skinny” I look really gross. Its definitely good motivation to gain. So just eat until you’re full and eat what you want! I remember at my last prom (I’m a little older than you guys), the food was so delicious but honestly there was so much else going on (friends and dancing and pictures) that it wasn’t even that big of an issue. And you really don’t need to restrict before you go but I know how hard it is! So maybe when you are planning out what you’re going to have beforehand just plan to have some healthy things…but make sure you get enough calories. Get the right mindset…don’t think about restricting think about eating healthy. You are both strong and I know you can do it! You are both going to have so much fun!!! ENJOY YOURSELVES….you guys deserve it!!!!
480 Bob // Jun 11, 2008 at 7:28 pm

hey everybody, well…I’ll just jump right to it. One of my good friends has been battling anorexia for a little over a year now. She recently received treatment for a three month period over this past school year and she is doing very well getting back into the swing of things here at home. She is a very tough girl and very capable. Yet sometimes you can tell she gets frustrated with having to deal with anorexia constantly. I’ve been looking everywhere for tips or advice on anything I could do to help her. This girl means a lot to me and I would do anything to see her get better and I want to do all I can to prevent a relapse. I’m usually very good at pin pointing psychological problems and reasons for certain behavior (the girl I’m talking about has even said so herself) but I can’t get my mind around anorexia…I just can’t understand it. Which is why I feel so inadequately supplied to help her recover. If anyone could please tell me anything I could do to help her recover or provide any insight into why anorexia looks appeasing to anyone it would be greatly appreciated. I respect your right to not answer my questions as I don’t wish any of you to revisit any feelings you’ve experienced in your struggles.

I also just wanted to say that I believe that all of you have the strength and the courage to overcome this disease. You also have the love and support of others here at this very website that know exactly what you are going through. The road will be long and treacherous, but you don’t have to walk it alone.
481 Aliyah // Jun 12, 2008 at 12:11 am

hey guys well todays my big day! im so scared about the meal at prom.
yesterday we had a rehersal for prom, and graduation, and my friend sed she overheard people talking about how skinny i looked and that if i fell i wud break,
it was really hurtful, and i gues its telling me i need to eat this whole meal at prom caause i need it.

Bob hey there. Im glad to hear ur friends doing well. but anorexia is such a complex disease, everyones going to have bad days.
U need to keep in mind, people with anorexiaa have disordered thinking, and think negatively about anything. so if u find ur friend doing, that try to para[hrase it, for example if she sed i cnt eat this, i’ll put on weight say like this is a tiny little bit of food that u need, n uno ur not going to put on weight.
But I think just being realy understanding about things and knowing sumtimes she cant maybe finish things is important, and constant re assurance that she is doing really well.

Tasha best of luck too. im sure you will enjoy it, and the meal and look stunnung too.

x
482 Saphire // Jun 12, 2008 at 9:32 am

Aliyah! Your big day! Awe Im soo happy for you! and you too Tasha! You guys are going to have so much fun I just know it! And in your beautiful dresses, I can imagine how beautiful you will be. I really wish I could see both of you! Do NOT worry and fret about the meals. They are going to be healthy no matter what.
Tasha-fish is a GREAT choice! It is good and has everything you need -protein, HEALTHY fats (which we really really need) and will give you tons of energy! And dont worry about the cream sauce, it won’t do a thing to you! Enjoy it! you deserve it!
And the same for you Aliyah- you meal choice sounds wonderful too! Remember- eat enough, you dont want to be hungry because you will be dancing and expending so much energy- energy which really none of us have to expend. So eat until you are full and also enjoy it!
I hope everyone else is doing good! I worked my very first day yesterday. I was on my feet for 9 hours straight walking around getting clothes for people and putting things away. I now know that a month ago before I decided to turn things around, that I would never have survived doing a job like that. Being that I was sooo exhausted and spent after yesterday because I didnt eat hardly enough to give me enough energy, I would have surely passed out before! This just made me realize that in order to work my best at this job and anything in life, I need enough food to give me the energy I need, and to live! So this was quite a wake up call. I worked at this same place a few years ago before I had this crappy ed and I was very fine doing it but yesterday I realized that I need to get my ass in gear and really start getting stronger. And everyone on here too- we need to get stronger so we can LIVE!!
Hope everyone has an AMAZING day today!! Have so much fun Aliyah and Tasha! Take in every memory and imprint it because its going to be wonderful!
Hugs for everyone and best wishes xx
483 rynelle // Jun 12, 2008 at 11:17 am

hey thanks guys! there are three shows..first one tomorrow and then 2 the day after. im really hoping ill be able to get myself together and eat so i can really dance my best and ENJOY it, instead having no motivation and feeling like i’m going to pass out.

tasha and aliyah- good luck! you can both do this! i believe in you! don’t let other peoples words bring you down. you are beautiful people and you are working hard to be healthy. don’t think about appearance, it doesnt matter. the food that you will have will do your body a wonderful favor! it will taste good too so let yourselves enjoy it!
484 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 12, 2008 at 1:35 pm

hey guys!
im 15, 5′4 and 90 lbs. i know i have a problem but i don’t know what to do. one day i was so depressed I told my parents that i ate like 1 meal a day. they sent me to a counselor but he was weird…what he was telling me was against my beliefs (Christian) so we left him… i had to quit school cuz i know the pressure of other people around me was what was causing most of it, so now i sit at home like all day… i started eating like normal but just a few days ago i (realized or w/e) how fat i was getting… i eat like an apple and half a normal supper for a light eater…i don’t wanna die but im so scared to be fat…what do i do????
(oh, did i mention my dr said that as long as i eat one meal its okay??? i know thats not right and i know im just gonna get worse, no one is taking me seriously!!!!)
485 Saphire // Jun 12, 2008 at 4:50 pm

No SilentlyAwaits- That is most definitely NOT right!!your doctor does NOT know what he is talking about! You can not live on only 1 meal a day! Your body needs much more than that! For 5′4 and 90 pounds- you are very underweight. And not the least bit fat! You are NOT fat. This is just anorexia telling you you are fat and I really don’t think you want to listen to that other voice telling you that. Deep down you know that this is true and you need to gain weight. You want to be healthy and happy in life. In order to be healthy and make the most of your life you need to eat. Try three meals a day and snacks in between. I know this is incredibly hard, all of us on here are trying and will beat this disease as will you. But you need to get stronger mentally so you can see that indeed you are not fat and indeed a person needs to eat much more than one meal a day in order to function. To become stronger, you need to eat. We are all here to support you, Im really sorry if this post sounded harsh in any way, but your doctor was definitely not right in saying you can live on one meal a day and Im surprised he did. You need to fight! This is anorexia taking control of you and you really dont want that. None of us want that. We all need to stand up to this disease and fight our very hardest and win!! Be strong- you will win! Best wishes to you and hugs! I know you will win this thing. Keep posting and keep us updated, we are all here for you xx
486 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 12, 2008 at 6:24 pm

Thanks Saphire. I’m just so confused. No one is taking me seriously… i am an insane insomniac without my medication… like four hours a night of sleep, so my mom thinks thats why I had to leave school… even though i told her it was cuz i couldn’t be around people til i was better… i don’t know how to tell them its not about sleep, its that i dont eat. No one is taking me seriously. Today I totally freaked out and am currently bawling cuz my parents were about to make me go around people…but i KNOW i can’t handle it yet…. agh!!!! What steps Can i take when no one believes me… it started out with a friend shorter then me… we were always about the same weight and stuff… then i grew and became like 98 lbs..i was excited and told her, then i found out she was less, and she isnt the skinniest person in the world. I was so scared that i did what i had to to lose weight… i know i can’t be around people cuz it just makes me feel fat… plus, unlike most of you, i never had any friends tell me i was too skinny, no one seemed to care. Mind you this is all coming from me in my depressed moods but w/e…I’m just so confused..People are teasing me (in that joking way but u know they know its still true) that im just a high school drop out… i hate it, its so ridiculous. Oh, and when i quit school i was doing great…til I looked on the scale and noticed I was almost 100 lbs… thats the scariest thing for me cuz like…its a whole nother digit added on… i dont know what my issue is…
487 Sara // Jun 12, 2008 at 6:42 pm

Hey, Silently, welcome!
Yeah, your doctor is a bad source. Believe it or not, most medical professionals are not required to take a course in nutrition. They pick up bits and pieces by hearsay. Also, the medical field is indoctrinated with this radical notion that “People used to have to hunt and forage for food, so millions of years ago we operated on this feast-or-famine mentality….” Actually, almost all early human civilizations were farmers and knew how to ensure a constant food supply. Our bodies prompt us to eat every 3-4 hours, and we really should listen to them.

If your doctor himself only eats one meal a day, likely HE’S the one with the problem!

(End-rant. Ah, how I love doctors.)

So, I’m interested to hear about you. What’s going on in school that’s bothering you? It sounds like home life is doing you some good for the time being.

That’s how my e.d. started out, too, so I can relate. I’d go through spells of restricting, but then I’d try to eat normally and gain weight and, terrified of becoming fat, start the whole cycle again. It was misery. I came to realize that I would never break out of it if something didn’t give. And I didn’t want to live this way forever. What would I be doing 20, 30 years from now? Still trying to lose the same 10 pounds I lost when I was 15? That wasn’t God’s plan for my life, and it isn’t for yours. He has your name (not your weight!) written on the palm of His hand.

We’re all here for you, hon! Keep doing what you know you need to–keep eating normal like you have been. The feelings of fear of gaining weight will not grow stronger if you defy them–after all courage is facing what you fear head-on. Just take it one day at a time.
488 Tasha // Jun 12, 2008 at 8:22 pm

Hey there Silently Awaits, I was diagnosed with depression before my parents began to realise that I was actually anorexic so I can get what you mean by people not believing you. The thing that you have to do is to try and sit your parents down, tell them your true feelings, maybe print out a couple of symptoms of anorexia and prove to them that your eating behaviour really isn’t normal. If you don’t have your period right now, that is a clear indication that you have dropped to a very low weight. And maybe the reason why friends haven’t told you that you’re skinny is because you’ve been avoiding them. You have to try not to do that because then you’ll never realise that you aren’t fat and you need to gain the weight. Have you tried talking to someone else? Another counselor? Meanwhile, you have to stay strong and try to eat at least three main meals a day, you’ll feel so much better and it helps with the insomnia, I’m an insomniac too and I find that it does help since it pushes out the guilt feelings about whether you’ve eaten enough and stuff, if you have those kind of thoughts.

Aliyah, how was prom? Hope it went well and you enjoyed it. I would’ve wished you luck earlier but I had a bad day yesterday, sort of spent it binging cos I looked so thin in my dress and wanted to look good today- like it made any difference.

And thanks Aliyah, Shannon, Saphire and Rynelle for your encouraging words- I printed it out so that I could read through it in the car, I find that it really helps whenever I’m down to read through the posts. I’m going to try not to restrict today, I’ve had breakfast and lunch but I’m still quite nervous about the dinner.

Saphire- it’s so great to hear you’re enjoying your job and you’re managing to do it well as well! It definitely motivates me to eat more when I hear that you feel so much better now and that you’re in a better place.

Rynelle- best of luck for your dance shows. I know you’ll do well and you won’t pass out because food is your fuel and if you eat healthily you’ll be amazing. Keep strong and have fun!

Off to get my makeup and hair done. Have a great day/hope you guys had a great day.
489 Tasha // Jun 12, 2008 at 8:31 pm

Oh by the way SilentlyAwaits, this website has quite sufficient information about anorexia:

http://www.umm.edu/altmed/articles/anorexia-nervosa-000012.htm

It has a lot of stuff about symptoms, risks and diagnosis, etc. Hope it helps with convincing your parents.
490 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2008 at 2:04 am

hey guys!
ok prom waas amazing. it was so much fun, n the meal was nice n healthy and i ate quite a lot. There was fruit for starter, then vegetable lasagne and potatoes for main meal then ice cream, tablet and cream for desert. it was s good night, and thanks for all your encouragement.
i cant help but feel fat though, it was a much bigger meal than i would ever have, but i need to gain. I feel like skippin breakfast now, but i know i cant. Im going to go have it, after this blog

Sapphire- well done on ur first day! its really good, thats its motivating you to eat and not eat. I used to have a job in a clothes store, when i never used to eat, and i hated it. i was soo tired, n cold, and could barely do any of the tasks. So you do not want to be like that! You want to be fighting fit, and earn lots of money hehe
well done, hope u have a gd day now!

Tasha- awwww i looked soo thin in my dress and i felt so self concious. I looked at everyone else, all healthy bodies nd it motivated me to eat my dinner. you deserve to eat, and have a good time. do not let anorexia spoil your meal. lots of luck ! you will look amazing!

Silently awaits- im so sorry to hear about your doctor and all that and your parents.
But we are all hear for you. You need to eat, food is energy and if u weigh urself stop. Having a number in ur head is not helpful in any way. WEight flunctuates a lot so sometimes you may think uve gained or lost when u havnt.

Ryanelle- lots of luck!! Eat well. dance amazing. tell us how it went!
491 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 13, 2008 at 9:40 am

thanks guys, now im wondering another thing lol…what should i eat for breakfast? like…what is classified as enough cuz i never eat it…
and thanks everyone for your support:) I JUST joined yesterday and have already felt so encouraged:D I really appreciate it.
to answer Sara’s questions, being around school and all the teenagers that I saw as skinny (when I saw myself as fat) what what made me leave…I KNEW I had a problem, and the only way I could get rid of it was to leave the scene… I’ve always been underweight (just annorexic the last couple months)so no one ever noticed… I haven’t really lost anything, I just never gained anymore so when i WAS at school, no one noticed I guess. (The only time i’ve actually lost weight was when I was getting better…then relapse or w/e) but anyways, I don’t think anyone believes me because I’m still in the beginning stages and stuff… i still have my period…i just want to start it before its too hard you know? And doctors always wait til its actually very visible…. but yeah…
Thanks guys for everything:D
492 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2008 at 12:25 pm

hey well something light but filling even
something with starchy carbohydrates, so two slices of toast, or a bowl of cereal or if thts a bit too scary a yoghurt and aslice of toast
just something thats gna keep u going all morning . your body needs food first thing, to raise ur blood sugar level

x
493 rynelle // Jun 13, 2008 at 12:47 pm

hey everyone.
aliyah-i am sooo proud of you!:) im glad everything went so well. and good on you for still eating breakfast! i know it’s hard but hey, you just gave anorexia a huge slap in the face!

meanwhile i feel like a bit of a hypocrit… honestly i have barely eaten anything since monday other than half a plum on tuesday, an apple on wednesday, another apple thursday along with 7 grapes and 8 almonds that i was forced to eat. even after the almonds i was convinced that i had put on a bunch of weight. i havent eaten anything today. my show is in like 4 hours and im scared that if i eat anything i will just get all bloated since i havent eaten much in the last few days:( idk how tonight is going to go..

tasha good luck! post as soon as you get the chance and tell us how your night went.
silentlyawaits- keep posting, i was right where you are only 5 months ago. and im also 15.
saphire-im glad you found something to keep you motivated! keep it up!
494 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2008 at 12:51 pm

ryanelle- awww good luck in ur shows.
but uno thats not enough food for you at all. thats not enuff for a little baby.
i hope u can bring urself to eat more, cause ur body deserves it

x
495 Shannon // Jun 13, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Aliyah,
I’m SO happy for you!!!! I’m so glad you had fun at your prom and the food sounds delicious! That’s so good that you ate it and felt good about it! You are kicking anorexia’s booty!! I’m so proud of you for eating breakfast too! I know how hard it is to not restrict when you know you’re going to have to eat something big later but you went ahead and ate! That’s really inspiring! I’m really happy for you girl!

Rynelle,
That is such a tiny tiny amount of food that you’ve had all week. And now you’re going to go dance (exercise) and nothing is fueling your body. You really need to eat A LOT more even when you aren’t doing any physical activity and you need even more since you are a dancer! I hope your dance goes well though. Good luck and eat girly…food is fuel and medicine!!!

So I haven’t posted in awhile. I have been restricting quite a bit this week and had an appointment with my therapist today. We decided its best that I go into the Partial Hospitalization Program. This means that I’ll be at the facility from 7:30 am-6:30 pm on Monday-Friday. I’ll eat all my meals there (which they prepare for me) and will participate in a bunch of different group and therapy sessions throughout the day. I really don’t want to spend my summer doing this but I also don’t want my ED to control my life anymore. So I’m putting my health first and going to get this problem under control before its too late. I’m really nervous about how I’m going to feel about all the food and stuff so wish me luck. I won’t start next week but the following (June 23).
496 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2008 at 1:26 pm

awww thank u shannon
I am soo soo proud really thats so good.
your finally doing something, tht will get rid of this awful disease!
its going to be really good for you, and you’ll be a healthy fit person at the end.
its really inspiring and encouraging, well done
i really hope it all goes amazingly for you!
but just remmeber there will be hrd days aswel as good days
x
497 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 13, 2008 at 1:28 pm

You’ll do great Shannon. Our little town doesnt have anything like that so I’m kind of stuck in a pickle. but I’m glad youre getting one big step closer to a “normal” life…whatever that is lol. good luck and just remember, they’re gonna make you eat the food anyways, so enjoy it and eat lots:D
498 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 13, 2008 at 1:39 pm

oh, do you guys have msn? I can just put my email so you don’t have to… its faster on that then this lol…
at_hawtmayl_dot_com@hotmail.com
yeah lol… k xD
499 Saphire // Jun 13, 2008 at 2:49 pm

Hey guys! Not having the best day today. I ate a rather large carb breakfast and Im feeling really bad about it, especially since Im going on my roadtrip tomorrow. I really badly wanted the cereal so I had it. But Im trying to fight it out and convince myself that the breakfast I had this morning- a few bowls of cereal was actually the best breakfast I’ve had in weeks and you know what? my body has never felt as good as it does today. Its amazing what a good big breakfast will do. but Im still not feelin good about it mentally…
Anyway- Aliyah hun, I am so happy your night went good! I knew it would And Im very proud of you for eating breakfast and not restricting so much. You know how great that is?! Thats huge- way to go!! I am soo so proud of you!

Tasha- hope you have a good night tonight! Dont restrict in the daytime- and eat that amazing dinner and enjoy every minute of it!! Have so much fun okay? Best wishes!!

Rynelle- I know its so hard. I know what you are going through in your mind. Ive been there- convinced that a stick of gum made me gain weight. But really, if you really really think about it- you know its not true. Its just the ed telling you lies. You need to eat waaaayyy more than what you’ve had. Gosh, and to dance which expends so much energy- energy which you do not have, pleez please eat something before you dance your show. Im really hoping you will. You need to! You will dance your best if you fuel your body properly. Good luck okay? Im sending good thoughts your way xx

And Shannon!!!! That is sooo wonderful to hear. You have no idea how happy I am to hear you are taking the initiative to step up and look anorexia in the face and tell it to **** off. That is so great. Being in this program, I have no doubt whatsoever that you will beat this and fully recover and in a quick hurry as well! What you are doing is like Aliyah said inspiring and encouraging. You know, I was feeling guilty about having 6 cups cereal this morning and now, after thinking about your post, and everyone elses posts-Aliyah- your a wonderful inspiration and everyone too, I think Im okay about it. Like I said earlier- honestly, I have never felt better physically than I do today after my breakfast. I have so much strength and energy, its really quite something
I wish everyone the very best. Im always thinkin about each and everyone of you. xx
500 isabella mori // Jun 13, 2008 at 9:06 pm

hello beautiful people

i can’t believe it – this is comment #500!

you guys are absolutely fantastic. i am so deeply grateful for all the support and wisdom you share here with each other.

i’ve created a new page – basically the same as this one. 500 comments are a bit hard to read so i figured, let’s start a new page!

so please continue your wonderful conversation here – on the same site, just a new page.

(and on danger of sounding a little corny: all this talk about “new page” DOES make me think of you guys working furiously on turning a new page in YOUR life )
501 heatherlynn // Jun 22, 2008 at 1:03 pm

Thanks for ur support everyone… I have been in and out of er problems with my colon and stomach area, still trying to eat 3 meals a day can’t work much go to doctor’s again friday. Yesterday was an ok day I actually felt good enough to wrk my whole shift/ today however i was exhausted. Stay strong girls… !
502 Aliyah // Jun 22, 2008 at 1:04 pm

hey heather! ur doing great! keep it up keep trying ur best to eat 3 meals and rewarding ur body.
stay strong x
503 Jenny // Jun 27, 2008 at 5:39 am

Hello. For a long time I have wondered if I am annorexic but thats because I equated anorexic with super skinny and when I looked in the mirror I never saw super skinny so I was not annorexic. HOwever I have had a BAD relationship with food. It started with being sick and a borderline coeliac and then feeling so scared of eating because of the pain. When I started to lose weight I liked what was happening and then as Princess said nothing was enough- every pound I lost made me want to lose more. Now I have turned flabby and THINK i look fat, do not have the energy to work out and the metabolism is way low. I even did some laxatives and that was really stupid. Through it all the one thing constant have been the prayers of my parents and my husband. They have prayed me through this and the Still small voice of Jesus. I am not preaching but believe me my Bible and quiet times with God have helped me. Learning to take my mind and eyes off food and put them on Jesus and let Him be the important thing in my life has made me value myself, my family and my husband. I am learning to over come my obsession with my body. But it is taking time. I am so glad to see this page and know I am not alone and we are all attacked the same way by their feelings of guilt, heaviness and worthlessness. But God made us beautiful and for a purpose. I am learning I need to engage in what God wants to use me for – in my case it is working with abused people- and then I am not so focused on me and my needs. But whats best is that there is a God who loves me unconditionally and made me to make a difference in the world. I cannot do that if I am week and drained.
504 Megan // Jul 14, 2008 at 10:11 pm

Hi everyone,
My name is Megan I am a 17 year old girl that is currently struggling with annorexia. I was always chubby and wanted despertly 2 loose weight. So it started just this year in fact my weight loss. Once the first pound was gone there was no way in looking back. I would exercise constantly which would often mean hundered of situps and running up and down my stairs hunderds of times, obsesse about my calorie intake, and I was basicaly surviving on a diet of carrots and a yougart but was always made to eat dinner because it was hard to get away with, and I would even sometimes try and throw up but nothing ever would come out so I evantually just gave up. Allot of people friends, and family noticed how thin I was getting. But I wasn’t seeing it I was just wanting the “perfect body”. It was as if I was on a road, and just kept on driving. It was getting the best of me. And my doctor who I see regularly keeps on checking in on me and warning me that if I loose any more weight I will have 2 go to a eating disorders clinic. She has now pretty much diagnosed me with annorexia, but is watching me very closely because I show too many signs. I am constantly cold, I feel tired and weak, I get headaches, and sometimes am dizzy, I’m pale, theres peach fuzz all on my stomach, and my hair was starting to thin. I think I am starting to recover it is gradual and I finally see the reality of things that in the end it really isn’t worth it. There is real no such thing as “perfect”. You can really die of it and I am really scared so I am trying 2 eat. I still constantly weigh myself, and obsesse about the way I look. I weigh 132 and should apperantly weigh 140. But I know each day I will get better and annorexia isn’t gonna be apart of my life anymore. Don’t let annorexia be apart of you because it is basicaly like another person that lives inside you that haunts and taunts which can lead you down the wrong road. I feel great that I have lost all this weight, and everone says I look good. But now they are saying I am too thin you can see all my neck and collar bone. And I finally see that I was basicaly dying inside. To all those who are annorexics: Listen 2 your family and friends, because their the ones that truly love you and care about you and you’re really hurting them. I finally see that I was hurting my family, and friends because they were all trying 2 get me 2 eat and telling me the reality of annorexia. Annorexia kills!
505 Aliyah // Jul 15, 2008 at 12:44 am

megan- that is touching. i know just how u feel. anorexia is an obsesssive disorder, do not weigh urself! really, u r more trhan a number.
by eating, which i know is soo scary, u will feed ur brain, ur mind n ur body will start to recover. think to urself, what do i gain by not eating? NOTHING because u just feel miserable. When i realised this, i started eating, n i felt better. i had more energy, and weight REgain, is slow and i enjoyed food more n more. Its still hard, and u will always have bad days, but use support from your family, use them as a motivationt o slowly eat.
have small meals, to help ur tummy to get used to food agen. it is possible.
u shud also go to ur docotor, n mybe get a nutrionist n counceller cause it does help. I reaally needed it atthe begininning.
gd luck
x
506 Megan // Jul 15, 2008 at 10:06 pm

Hi Aliyah ,

Aw thanks for the support. I think my body is starting 2 stabilze it’s weight now. And I am starting to eat a little more, and not weighing myself as much. My exercises are pretty restricted now too. So slowly but surely I think I am getting better!! I still however calculate my calories in a day, and use my measuring cups. I am trying 2 get over it. I can’t even really eat normal portions without constantly checking the food labels. But sometimes my mind will say “no it’s ok you can have a little bit of that”. Or like you said there are bad days 2 where I don’t even feel like eating much at all and will restrict my diet as much as I can. Is it normal to feel really hungry at times? Just lately, as I am making my recovery I have been feeding my body as much as I can when I am hungry. I guess you can almost call it binge eating. Than I feel so bad after I eat it cause I am afraid I will gain a whole wack of weight. And that voice says “omg! what are you doing!? Look what you just did!! I can’t believe you!!” This food binging has been happeing late at night though and its such a bad time 2 be eating! But I just am sooo hungry that I will just eat a whole wack of food. Is this normal? Why am I feeling so hungry lately? I guess it is just the road to recovery? I’m just worried cause its like I am craving food all the time and I just hope I am not going compulsive eating, or bulmia. Maybe my bodys just really hungry? Lol. :S just confused
507 Aliyah // Jul 16, 2008 at 1:57 am

megain- ino EACTLY what ur going thru. See what u call ‘binge eating’? thats nt binge. thats ur body tellin u it needs food. it may feel like a lot but its not! ur body has been starved and it needs lots n lorts of food. see on saturday, i was haavin a snack, n i ended upo havin 3 yes 3 bag of sweets! n i didnt feel guilty or bad, coz i know i deserve it. we all deserve food.
ino what u mean about calories n labels, i still have that issue now. i find it hard to eat something without knowing whats in it, n how many calories. but the way to overcome it, is to just try stop readin labels, n when u eat something u say, i will stop eating when i feel full.
u feel so hungry just coz ur body needs the food, tio repair the damage and to grow. give it to ur body.the voices will start to go dont worry, mines were really strong at the start but after a while, if u keep eating, u start to beat it.
its a hard jounrey, BUT U CAN DO IT
508 Saphire // Jul 16, 2008 at 11:32 am

Megan, Hi! I want to congratulate you on recognizing you have a problem and wanting to recover.
The way you described how anorexia got a hold of you and the ways it did it, it sounds like we are the same person! I was exactly like you. With the overexersising, the measuring cups and really everything. I am on my third month of recovery after a major relapse and I am determined all the way to regain my life back. Anorexia took my life away which Im sure you know exactly about. I was dying a slow miserable death. I lived in front of my heat lamp for days on end. This is no way to live. Its discusting.
But now, I am eating consistantly good food, all day every day and whatever I want to eat. I DO NOT overexercise. When I exercise, its a light and I mean light walk for 30 minutes or a light bike ride for only 30 minutes. I have soo so much energy.
I still struggle with the measuring cups and have a struggle sometimes getting a box of craft dinner or something without looking at the label. But you know what? Its only food, and it really does not matter what and how much you eat. We on here, ALL NEED to eat and gain weight anyway to fully recover from this disease. It is a proven fact that the closer an anorexic person gets to their ideal weight, the higher the chance of FULL recovery! And its so true. The more you eat throughout the day, the sharper and more rational your mind is to think about how silly it really is to worry about calories and what we eat.
As for night binging, heck I still do that about once or twice a weak but you know what? its because my body needs the food. Three months is still not long enough for my body to have recovered. (Im not in a program but am doing this on my own) I recognize I need the food and I enjoy it now. Food is there for our bodies to take in and be fueled. We need it to live and survive its there for us to enjoy as well. And trust me, the more you eat throughout the day consistantly and the longer you keep this up and dont DARE restrict food intake, you will NOT feel the need to binge!
Eat a big breakfast! Thats what I do now. I eat three bowls of cerial, a banana and if Im still not satisfied I will eat until I am satisfied. The bigger the breakfast the bigger the boost for your metabolism and you will feel fuller and more satisfied the rest of the day and no more night binges. Of course, we on here always overexaggerate the word ‘binge’ anyways. A binge for normal people is like 5-10 thousand cals in one sitting or even more! If you want to eat Megan, you most definitely should and dont even think about dieting. The voice that tells you to restrict is a an ugly voice, a bad voice which really wants you to be sick and live a lifeless life. You dont want that. I know you dont. Just think about you always being cold, and miserable and moody and consumed about food. Dont ever let that memory go and keep it as a big motivator not to EVER to go back to that place. Because its an ugly place. A place where you do die a slow death. Live life to the fullest. You are so young and have so much going for you. You are beautiful. It does not matter how much you weigh. Beauty comes from within! Dont dare let anorexia win. Be strong and you can totally do it.

Aliyah! Hope you are doing well of course! How are you doing anyway? I have a feeling you are doing amazing- you have it in you I know you do. You are strong, keep going and keep having great successful days!
I am doing well, my job is good Thank you! My days are all wonderful. FOod is amazing. It astounds me everyday what it does to a person. When you eat, you feel good. Period. xoxox
509 Aliyah // Jul 16, 2008 at 11:45 am

thanks sapphire!
i feel really full just now, nd a bit uncomfortable, but ino its ok.
today everytime iate something, I was likie ideserve this, i can have what i want. when i waant.
So for my snack i had 2 rice cakes, some banana , raisins and strawberrys.
and it was so tasty.

sapphire- really keep going. feed your mind. YOU deserve it wel all do. Everyone else eats what and when they like, why cnt we do the same? well we can, anorexiaa is a big lie.

food is great.
510 Megan // Jul 16, 2008 at 10:55 pm

Thank you soooo much Aliyah & Saphire 4 your love and support. It was just fate that I found this website. I was really wanting 2 get my feelings about annorexia out there and what I was going through to see if others were the same. Today was my B-day and I went 2 a resturant I was just sooo hungry and I actually ate very little in the day in order 2 save up for the big meal, and cake later. I had thoughts about it “why am I eating all this? Omg I am gonna gain weight Im gonna get just sooo fat!!” But it was my B-day, and I wasn’t gonna let my annorexia ruin it for me! I have started 2 notice my appetite is coming back. I always get scared that when I eat a bunch of food that I will just gain a whole wack of weight. I guess annorexia is something that never does fully go away does it? It is a VERY hard disease to get over. But you guys have such a great support system here! I really can’t thank you enough!! Does any of you have MSN or facebook? If so I’d love to keep in touch! Thanks again for the support. xoxo Megan
511 Megan // Jul 16, 2008 at 11:17 pm

just a question.. why do you feel so cold like all the time? is it your bodys way of saying that it needs food? Or is it telling you that you are dying inside? :S I am just confused, and curious. I just hate this feeling! It really sucks! It will even hit me on these hot summer days and I basicaly will live in my house coat and dress in layers. I was even wearing my coat around school when my annorexia was at it’s worst for me. Another question… does any of your doctors tell you that you must drink at least 3 glasses of milk a day? My doctor is at me 2 drink milk consantly. I really haven’t been so I guess I should start.
512 Aliyah // Jul 17, 2008 at 1:20 am

megan- well done on ur bday! happy bday girl!
listen, anorexia will starat to go away belive me. Mines used to be soo strong, n now its much much better. Asu keep eating u destroy it. The thgouht u have ‘im gna get fat’ is one all o us have on this site. that tells u that anorexia is false because its plants it in everyones head!
the fact is we r not, by eating what our body needs, is not going to get us at. Ur body will crave a lot of food simply because it is hungry, just feed it!
the coldness was something i had, it goes away., because u have so little body fat, ur body is always cold, as it loses the at thats around our organs that keep us warm. Remember fat keeps us warm, everyone needs to have some.
as for the milk, im guessing its for your bones. your bones need calcium to get strong and its so u dont get oesteroporosis, which means u have weak bones and get bruised n hurt very easy.
see anorexia brings no benefits does it?
lETS RID OF IT!
513 Saphire // Jul 17, 2008 at 8:57 am

Megan hun, anorexia will totally go away. As long as you eat more food. The more you eat, the quicker you will recover because right now when you starve yourself, you are also starving your brain allowing that ugly voice to override any other rational thoughts. Do you know what I mean? The ONLY way to recover from anorexia is to eat. And not eat a little like 1500 calories. No, all of us on here NEED to eat like 2500-3000 + calories in order to recover. And dont restrict. Please please do NOT restrict. This will only make you lose to anorexia and I really dont think you want that. You need to be strong. Stronger. You will not gain a big whack of weight when you eat a lot of food. No, that does not happen. Its been three months for me, and Ive been eating 2500+ calories everyday and Ive barely noticed any difference on my body. That is the absolute truth. The only difference is that my face is more radiant and has some life to it instead of the dead hollow look I had before. The look like I was dying. That is the only difference. To be honest, I dont like the fact that I havent noticed a gain on me. I am a stick and its not attractive. I cant stand the fact that when I go boating next weekend Im going to have to cover up my matchstick veiny arms. We need to gain weight and we WANT to gain weight. Its not the weight you regain when you eat food Megan, its your life.
Please dont restrict. That is the worst thing any of us can do. I know we all do it, I do it too but restricting is just a victory for ana.
And of course, I do want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. I hope you had an amazing day! Are you 18? am I right? thinkin about you and hoping you are having a good day. Healthy and happy always remember that. Eat to be healthy and happy and to live life like its meant to be lived
Hope you are having a good one too Aliyah! Did you have good food today? I really hope so cause you totally deserve it! What have you been up to on your lovely time off? xx
514 Aliyah // Jul 17, 2008 at 12:24 pm

sapphire- i hope u have fun on ur boating trip!! ive ben job hunting. im going to france on sunday with the family. so i cannoy wait to try all the new foods anf stuff. im soo lookin fwd to it!!

yes i had good food today, just had a packet of crisps for my snack tried any new foods or nything lately? have u tried all the foods u used to fear?

hope ur well!

x
515 Megan // Jul 17, 2008 at 10:26 pm

Thanks so much for the B-day wishes! I feel like I am getting better. But my mom keeps on telling me that I’m getting skinner. I know it’s bad but it’s such a hard habit 2 break I keep weighting myself. And I have unfournantly lost weight. Just a few pounds. I don’t know how th0ugh!!?? I am eating. But I guess I haven’t been eating enought 4 breakfast and lunch. And I don’t really have any snacks. I really must try and gain a bit before Aug cause thats when I see my doctor again and if I have lost any more weight, I need 2 go 2 an eating disorders clinic. Which I don’t want to happen! So I am gonna try my best this summer 2 get well again. I hardly exercise any more. I am short I am, 5′2 and 132 punds but now I am down 2 129 I thinkk. My docotor wants me @ 140. She says thats my ideal weight. But when I do my BMI it says I am at a normal weight, so I guess it is just my body type? I don’t think I look like a stick, but you can see my collar and neck bones and my hipbones are starting 2 protrode as well as other bones you can feel. So I know I dont look annorexic cause im not that skinny, but I show the sympotoms of one. And if I loose any more weight I probably will look sick. My BMI used 2 be obses than I decided 2 loose all this weight and I do feel great now. But I guess enought is enough, and I just gotta stop with the whole weight loss thing. I know I have gone a long ways since I was restricting my food 2 just a yougart, and carrotts. But I would eat a big dinner. I guess that was the one meal that was mainly keeping me alive cause I would basicaly put all of my days calories into it. I would save up and starve myself in order 2 enjoy it. And when I was starving myself I felt stronger when I felt hunger pains, cause in my mind I knew I was winning and I was probably loosing just so much weight. Those days still sometimes hit me where I just want 2 starve myself and wonder “why eat?” but when I eat I feel better! And energized! Which is great! I also am getting my nice color back 2 my face! I was really pale and white b4 when I didnt eat. Yes I have been noticing allot of brusing on my body! I am not sure from what. Annorexia is deffinitly not a nice disease. I had never thought I would be one after even doing a project on it in school once. I’ve been looking @ videos, and pics and it scares me 2 think I could end up like that. So that’s whats forcing me 2 get better and 2 eat. I’m NOT gonna let annorexia consume me whole!! I am young, and have ambitons. There are lots of people who care and love me 2 much I know I would be missed. And by being annorexic, you are just hurting the ones that love you the most. Slowly but surely I WILL get over this!! Annorexia has ways of pulling you in and it can turn you and twist you into so many bends, and curves. Girls we gotta get off that road before it’s too late!! Thanks for all the love an support. I really love talking to you guys. It’s great 2 know other ppl going through the same thing.
516 Megan // Jul 17, 2008 at 10:34 pm

o ya i dont know if any of you knew this but, my cousin whos a nurse said that if you don’t eat than you have a weak heart and makes you more prone 2 a heart attack Just a little encouragement 2 you girls if you didnt know that. It scared me when I found it out! I didn’t realise how much eating was important. So we MUST eat! Don’t deprive your body or your organs WILL suffer!
517 Aliyah // Jul 18, 2008 at 1:17 am

megan- hey its ok ulost some weight, but dont let it happend agen. Yeah u must not be eating enuff, i eat something every 4hours. just try and do the same, that way u feed ur body, and ur metablism begings to speed up.
u will always have bad days, and just remeber its anorexia tryin to win and attack u. DO NOT LET IT.
life is to short to be obsessed with weight.
also try not to weigh urself, u r not a number.
if u must, do it once a week, but i find not weighing myself is easier, n i tend to eat more that way.
make sure u eat lots of carbs and protein, and keep ur energy up.
good luck
518 Saphire // Jul 18, 2008 at 5:12 pm

Hey girls

Megan, Aliyah is right- eat a lot of carbs and protein- your energy will go right up!!! And definitely I mean DEFINITELy eat every few hours or heck, once every hour- I do this, just to keep your metabolism up. Did you know that if a person (any person, anorexic or not) eats below 1200 calories, their body goes into starvation mode? and we do not want that. So let that be motivation enough for everyone of us to not even think of going below that number. Of course we on here need to be getting over 2000-3000 calories obviously now to recover but even if we restrict on that amount, our bodies will go into that starvation mode and our metabolisms will sloooooowwww down!

And yes, anorexics are very very prone to heart attacks. See I learned this months ago- even if we eat at a consistant rate and then restrict, it shocks the heart adn heart attacks are very very common which is very very scary. And its incredibly bad to be over exercising while undereating at the same time!!!!! Think of our poor hearts- struggling soo so much to pump blood through our starved body.

Anyways- you’re doing good Megan. eat and you will get healthy remember that. We want to win this. And yes totally- there is much much more to life than obsessing about food.

Best wishes to everyone!!!!! Healthy and happy
519 Megan // Jul 20, 2008 at 10:13 pm

hi again,

Well, thanks for more of the encoragement Alyiaha & Saphire. I think I am actually starting 2 realise the importance of eating now, and how I am actually looking. This weekend I went 2 a very good friends of mine that I hadn’t seen in a long time and he kept on telling me how skinny I am and we had a really long nice talk about annorexia. He really gave me allot of support, and I’m starting 2 really see how skinny I am getting. Annorexia also changes the person you used 2 be. I’ve apperantly changed allot, and I have allot of mood changes. Do any of you go through mood changes? Is it normal? Sometimes you just don’t realise these things, and you let them pass you by. All we are really doing is hurting the ones who love us the most. Their the ones who have 2 see us slowly fade away. I didn’t think it was hurting anyone, but it really does. It’s terrbible how it just grabs a hold of you! And I really am gonna try and gain some weight back. But everytime I say I am going 2 get better, than I just keep on going back 2 the same old routine I had of measureing, and restricting. But this time I am actually going 2 make it happen! I want 2 get better. Girls, WE MUST ALL STAY STRONG! And when you have annorexia, you need 2 tlk 2 someone who you can really trust and confide 2 because the ones you push first out of your life are actually the ones who you need the most!! And I really don’t want 2 go 2 an eating disorders clinic. I am going 2 try and eat more especially breakfast and lunch which are the 2 meals I don’t do well on. It’s just sooo hard 2 eat something and not look @ the label. It’s a hard habbit 2 break! And wow I didn’t know that about 12,000 calories or less puts your body in starvation mode , Saphire. I was doing that all along . And I still sometimes do that. But I’m starting to enjoy eating again! I am starting 2 have more little snacks, and a bit more for my meals. I just gotta get this weight up again! And I can happily say that I am not concerned about exercising any more. I still do it the odd time, but not as much. It’s too dangerous! I’ve been loosing weight and I gotta stop and if I get exercising again I’ll just loose more and more. I know I’m gonna beat this!!Keep staying strong 2 Annorexia girls! And talk to a trusted friend if you have 2 they can give you more support than you would of thought of. Don’t let yourself suffer in silence anymore!! We can beat this girls!!
520 Megan // Jul 20, 2008 at 10:33 pm

Got a question: Does anyone ever feel that they may just fantisise food or crave it but your not actually hungry? I’ve been eating allot of random food which I guess is good! But I don’t know wether I AM actually hungry or wether it’s just my mind saying “mmm that would taste good right now must have it!” than I just go into the kitchen and eat a bunch of random food. :S I guess it is just part of recovery right? I’m just getting such an appetite now! And it’s happening late at night which is one of the worst times 2 eat.
521 Saphire // Jul 21, 2008 at 1:26 pm

Hey Megan! Thats great you really realize you need to put on weight. I cant see you of course, but I know you are way underweight. We all are on here. And sorry- its not 12,000 cals or less that puts your body in starvation mode- its 1200 cals. I might have made a typo. But ya. I bet you definitely were eating under 1200 cals. Everyone of us does that Im sure. But stay strong, we can beat this and we will. Megan we need to be getting 2500+ calories in our diet every single day to recover. I know restricting is hard NOT to do but please understand that if you restrict your body will go into starvation mode and your metabolism will slow down even more. Cant do that.
And your question about craving something? even when not hungry. I guarantee you you are hungry. When a person craves something, it is their body telling them they need food even when your stomach is not growling. I had a hard time believing this for the longest time but its 100 % true. When you crave soomething- EAT IT!!!!! The only reason a person craves something is when they are depriving their body of something. And clearly since we are dealing with a disorder that makes us starve ourselves, we are all depriving our bodies of food.
And.. you know why you are hungry at night moreso? its because you dont eat enough throughout the day. I promise you- I do.. that if you eat a big breakfast- try 600 calories- have carbs, a fruit, and protein and glass of milk, and eat a good lunch- dont scrimp on the lunch either. And have snacks and then dinner, you will NOT feel the need to eat so much late at night because you have given your body the proper nutrition it needs.
And, even if after you do this- (please try it- please and then you will understand) you are still wanting something at night, have it anyway because we are RECOVERING from anorexia and it will be some time before our bodies will be completley back to normal.
xx
522 aliyah // Jul 23, 2008 at 1:09 am

hey girlsss
i, am on hoiliday in parissss. I am finding all the food hard n not eating as well as i shud.
i am goin to try harder though its my last day here n i dnt want to obsess over food.i had q cereal bar n fruit for breakfast n i will try n have a bigger lunch.
i hope uz r all doing well.
just like sapphire sed ,egan if u crave so,ething u r hungry so dnt deprive ur body of it; even if u have a little.
well i best get going: EAT WELL GIRLS kik anass butt

xxx
523 Pixie // Jul 23, 2008 at 4:22 pm

Wow. Thanks, all, for being so open here. You just don’t know how much this helps. I’m so proud of all of you! I’m especially proud of you younger ones…believe me, ana doesn’t get better with age if you don’t realize you have it. It just gets worse. I’m 26, and only just started realizing that everyone doesn’t have the voice saying how horrible, disgusting, etc. they are. Fancy that! I’ve had it since I was about 11. Had a very watchful mom, and didn’t want her to worry, so I’ve always just been thin, not dangerous. But a few months ago I dropped down to danger levels for the first time in a long time. I’m 5′10″, and I really don’t even want to say the weight I was because to me it still sounds ENORMOUS, sooo…yea. But anyway, my doctors started bringing it up when I’d go see them…I was sick all the time, so that was fairly often…I met a new guy, who’s amazing, when I was at my lowest weight since I reached my full height. And being around him, I started eating. I didn’t realize what was happening until one day I looked down and went S*%&T!! Where’d this gut come from??? Major panic attacks…followed by some research. Finally, everything my friends and family have always told me hit. I’m not fat. I never was. And it’s not normal or healthy to be cold all the time, to not be able to climb stairs, to be dizzy constantly…I crossed the line, you see, from being able to run every morning. I finally dropped so much weight I couldn’t run anymore.

Anyway…I just found this site tonight because I’ve reached my healthy weight, and I hate it. My sweetheart bought me gorgeous lingerie as a gift, and I feel disgusting and don’t even want him to look at me in it. And it just really helped me to read this thread, and see that this is normal and it will go away. And all the scientific facts were really cool, too cuz all the new weight does seem to be right there on the tummy. Sigh. Hope that changes.

It’s nice to run again (every other day, now, thank you). And it’s supercool to have boobs! WoW! I’d given up on those!!!

Anyway, please know that if I met you in person right now, each and every one of you, I’d see a beautiful woman. You’re not fat. Promise.
524 Megan // Jul 23, 2008 at 11:03 pm

Hi girls!
Well, I think I am getting ALLOT better!! My annorexia has come a long ways now. I am actually starting 2 stop obsessing over the numbers and just eat cause food is soo tasty now! When u starve ur self 4 so long u really miss those tastes u used 2 enjoy! I am even slowly starting 2 stop with the whole counting and obsessing over my calories. So I am making progress!! And I’m eating sooo much now. I just feel like I am going into obsessive eating it feels like. Ugg. And lately I have been hiding food than saving it up 2 eat later when I crave. It’s such a bad habbit! And I feel like such a pig cause when I do eat it’s just like non-stop almost. Ahhh!! But I have noticed I am not cold any more! YAY! I sometimes will be, but b4 it was constant. I HATED it! Ppl in my skool would look @ me like a freak cause I wore my coat everywhere when it was warm out. Wow I just can’t believe how much food I am eating now. I guess I really did deprive myself of stuff! Is anyone else just loving their food again? I guess it’s all good right?? I hope so!!
525 Megan // Jul 23, 2008 at 11:15 pm

ok I have a question I don’t know if any of you get this but lately and ever since I have had annorexia I have been breaking out in bruises all over my legs. And I dont know what their from?? :S Do any of you get bruises randomly? What does it mean? Just wondering..
526 Pixie // Jul 24, 2008 at 4:49 am

Megan, I think the bruising is part of it. I got them too, and looked into it, and found that several types of nutritional deficiency can result in random bruises. I’m on an iron/B12 supplement now, and they’re MUCH better. Obviously if you’re not taking in the nutrients your body needs, you’re going to get symptoms associated with deficiency, so it makes sense.
527 Aliyah // Jul 24, 2008 at 9:35 am

pixie- hey im aliyah . i just wanted to say, well done on reaching ur ideal weight. i am tryin to get to it, n belive me i dmire u soo much for getting to it. its a great achievement, n im sure ur boyfriend there loves u and is so happy for you too. show off ur beautiful body, its there to be admired!hw long did it take u to get to ur weight if u dnt mind me asking? ive been in proper revoery for about half a year n still have a way to go. i still have bad bad days but tehyre gettin soo much less and i am beginning to enjy food much more.

megan- i bruise really easy too, and i think its jus what pixie sed too, its deficiencies. im sure it wil get better as we get better!
im glad to hear its going so well! good on u girl, really. its so encouraging and ur doing so well. it motivates me to knpow ur doing so well.also u say u hide food, n have it later. dnt be ashamed, theres no need to hide. eat what u want and when u wnt. its not over eating remember, its ur body wantin all the food its been deprived of!
its part of recovery and just enjoy the food! ur doing amazing!

as for me, im bak from paris now whicjh was a gd holiday. it involved a lot of exercise n to be honest i belive i shud have ate more, the pastries n croissants scared me a bit, n i didnt have any at all
but i did enjoy their baguettes and stuff.
i reallly need to focus on sum regain, so im goin to try n introduce more food.
im also hvain non diet drinks a lot more now.
how is everyone/
x
528 Saphire // Jul 24, 2008 at 9:57 am

Pixie! Yes, well done on reaching your ideal weight! That is so so wonderful. And I am so proud of you. I like Aliyah am trying and trying to get there. I so would like to get my boobs back and my period for that matter. I am still so darn skinny and its not pretty at all. I dont have a boyfriend right now but I could have, its just I know that if I was going to wear lingerie I would look so bad and skeletal. So Im trying. But like you said, and I completly agree, we are all beautiful people. We are more than a number and we have just so much to offer the world.
And yes, the weight initially does go to the stomach for a while but then it does even out- yay!! Congratulations Pixie. I can imagine you look unbelievably beautiful. Wear your lingerie for your guy and know- really know that you are beautiful. You are not fat. Not at all.
Since you are healthier I am sure your face looks for radient and alive and that right there is true beauty.
xx
529 Megan // Jul 24, 2008 at 10:47 pm

hi girls
k thx 4 the info on the brusing than Pixi. I am taking some vitamins now. And am trying 2 eat allot of healthy foods so in time it should heal! I have noticed I’m not cold anymore! YAY! Thanks for all the encouragement advice and support. You girls make me feel strong! And together we WILL win this!! Aw, Aliyah u should of enjoyed the food in Paris it was a holiday. I always tell myself around Christmas, or special occasions , “ok I can have just a little, a little won’t hurt”. Because some foods you enjoy only once and a while. So you should just enjoy it and not worry about it. Cuase u derserve it!! But I am glad 2 hear u had a good time. I am really worried though, I haven’t gotten my period in such a long time. I am always irregular and am HOPING that it will come!! And I really wish I had my boobs back. I litterly am flat as a board!! Is anyone else like this 2? And it doesnt help that I’m only 5′2 cause without any boobs I look like a 9 yr old instead of 18 . Ahhh!! I hope in time those will come back!! Lol. Anyone else have this problem?? I have 2 go out and get refitted and measured cause I am falling out of all my bras. I don’t want 2 stuff becuase it will look 2 unnatural.
530 Aliyah // Jul 25, 2008 at 1:19 am

megain- yeh like i sed i am going to try n eat more n new foods coz iwant a more varied diet!
ino what u meanabout lookin young, im 18, and im only 5ft. anoreixia has stunted my growth coz ive had eating disorders since 12, and i look really young. on holiday a woman thought iwas 12!
but dont worry, as u eat more, u will get them bak, breast tissue is fat tissue so u need to eat to get them! try not to be self concious about it.
and periods too yeh ive not had mine in a long time, mines have been iregular since i had EDS but since recovery ive had about one period so one in six months which is not to good i gues!
but they do return once u get healthier and ur weight goes up.
see only good things come from eating eh?!

have a gd day! eat lots xxx
531 Megan // Jul 28, 2008 at 9:44 pm

well, I have always had irregular periods but now I am really worried cause I haven’t had one for the whole month of July ekk! And i dont know if you or anyone has this but my weight keeps ont jumping around! It will go up, than down again. This weekend for instance, I had a sleepover and ate a bunch of junk food. I felt SOO bad 4 doing it but I hardly ever eat junk so I thought u know what why not just splurge a little? I kept on getting those stupid thoughts about how much weight I would gain though, and what a pig I was for doing so. And I weight myself after this weekend and turns out I lost weight instead of gained. :S Which is just 2 weird! I really gotta gain a bit of weight though b4 I see my doctor on Aug 18th cause thats when she decides if she will put me in a clinic or not. So I’m TRYING SOOO hard 2 get over this! I know and think I can though. But I feel ALLOT better cause I’m eating more now. And I’m no longer feeling cold which is such a great feeling!! I’m also taking a whole bunch of vitamins which must be helping me as well. I’m pretty sure I am on the road 2 recovery. YAY! It’s hard but I know I can and will get through this!! You are such a great person 2 tlk 2 Aliyah. I hope you are doing well. How are you doing these days? Keep staying strong! We can beat this girl!! Talk to you later xoxo
532 Megan // Jul 28, 2008 at 9:50 pm

just a question… does anyone find how dull and dead their hair is with Annorexia? My hair I think is starting 2 get healthy again but it just looks so dead I guess with time it will come back again!
533 Aliyah // Jul 29, 2008 at 2:22 am

Megan- hey well done you! your doing well! really well. the junk food and stuff, u deserve it! u cn hve whtever u want remember!
i just had pancakes smothered with jam for breakfast and it was sooooooo yum! i ve been good, tryin to gain like you!

as for your weight, dont worry, its going to flunctuate a lot, mine did at one point, it was up, down up down, n then it will stablize eventually.
just mke sure u are eating as much as possible everyday.
my hair is really dead, its really dry, but thats cause its been denied protein and nutrients for so long!
just try good shampoos for your hair type . one thing thats really good for dry limpless hair is almond oil, so eat almonds nd buy sum almond oil! put it in ur hair once a week, then rinse it ou, n u will see a change!

im gna eat reallllly well today i just know it:D
keep up the good work

x
534 Aliyah // Aug 3, 2008 at 11:42 am

hey how is everyone?
ive had a good week, ive been tryin to eat a bit more, and I have. Today my boyfriend made me have 2 slices of bread with my soup and i ahd it all. still feel full from it, but it was yummy and im glad he made me!
how is everyone else?
i hope good!

keep eating, it makes u feel so good!
535 rachael // Aug 3, 2008 at 6:01 pm

hey everyone! aliyah you sound like your doing great thats aweomse!! im not doing too well i mean i am physically but not mentally…ive gained at least 8 pounds and i just feel huge and disgustedddd but like my chest and ribs are still bony loooking i feel like all the wieght is in my thighs and stomacha nd idk i just dunno if i can do it any longer im afraid that when i go back to school im gonna loose all the wiehgt i gained this summer even though it was only 8 pounds and i was supposed to gain at least a pound a week in three months ah idk im just lost and i have no one to talk to… i dont like how the weight isnt distributing yet i dont want my chest to be bony anymore you know?
536 Saphire // Aug 3, 2008 at 6:35 pm

Rachael, it is so nice to hear from you. I am exactly exactly where you are. I am fine physically because Ive been eating normally and all that but Im starting to have some difficulty with the fact that my arms, chest and really my whole upper body is still sooooo so bony and then the rest is well, getting bigger. But you know what? it takes time! The weight will 100 % redistribute!!!! It just takes time. I know the waiting game and the mental agony in the meantime is a pain but we just need to give our bodies time to even out. And also, we look in the mirror and see fat on our thighs and stomach- this is only one more lie this disease is throwing our way. Its not fat. Its muscle- our thighs are getting muscle which is good!!! Thats what we want because the more muscle the more bad fat it burns and so on, but not like we need to worry about any of that anyways!!!! And the stomach- well most of that is water weight which will take time to lessen too.
But you know what Rachael- we need to put on fat. We need need need to put on fat!!!! That is the only only way our bodies and our minds will fully recover from this illness. It is a proven fact that the higher % of fat we gain to our ideal weight (which includes body fat of course) the higher chance we have to say ByeBye to this unbelievable shitty murdering disease we have! And yes it is shitty- I hope I can say that because I am sick and tired (and I really know you are too) of dealing with it. With the obsessing about our looks. Its crap. There is more to life than what we look like, the number we have on our scales, and so on. There is much much more.
Keep going Rachael! This is hard Im with ya on that. Its hard but we can do it.

“Failure is not in falling down, it is failing in coming back up”

Best wishes to everyone!! Aliyah- you are doing sooo well. You are putting up a good battle and winning it!!! Remember- WE ALL NEED TO REMEMBER- the more we eat, the better we think and the better chance we have to recover and live life the way it is meant to be lived!!
537 Aliyah // Aug 4, 2008 at 1:32 am

Rachel- I know its hard, but youve regained some weight and that is soo good. really im so proud and its really motivating to hear that. About he weight, it does redistribute in time, when ur body fully trusts you, when it knows ur not going to starve it agen it will distribute. Im the same, my chest is bony, as is my back, but i feel like all my weight goes to my tummy. But i know its ok, and in time it will be ok. Just keep doing what your doing, if you go back, and lose the weight, you’l end up more bony and feel worse about yourself.
And why reverse all the hard work? you can keep going, the battle is long, but it can be done and i know 100% that the weight will redistribute. Your a girl, girls need extra weight round their stomach area for baby reasons!

sapphire- thank you. I am doing well, and i know how you fele. I have a bony chest and back and my weights gone to my tummy too. but look, we all have, that tells us that this is part of the process. its a waiting game, and keep going sapphire cause uhave come so so far and im so proud of you. Just keep on eating and regaining, and you will feel better.
Also, when you see girls who have recovered from anorexia you see their bodies seem normal, and thats because eventually it DID distrubute. and we all wi.ll get there.

have a good day of lots of food everyone, and lets try and beat thign disease!
538 rachael // Aug 4, 2008 at 4:10 am

saphire! ah that helps me a ton to know that you are at the exact same point, and that quote is really good haha i might steal it! but yea the thing i keep telling myself is that looks dont matterrr and the other day this kinda helped slash didnt idk but my freind hadnt seen me in awhile and she was like wow you look skinny and i was like im trying to gain wiehgt and she was like no you look good…haha it helped me in the fact that i can eat normal and still be skinny but it also made me want to stop and go back ah im glad im recoverin but i didnt know it would be this hard…

aliyah- im lad you are doing well and it is nice to know both o you are going through the same thing, it helps and summer is almost over for me so i think it;ll be easier to gain wieght becasue there wont be all that pressure to be in a bathingsuit…that was the hardest thing this summer for me is that i wanted to get better but i couldnt because i had to put my body out there for everyonet o see but i just tell myself..if im seeing all these dr’s and they say i need to gain wiehgt maybre i should haha i would always tell myself they didnt know anything and i looked fine, but looking back at pictures made me think of myself as sick it was gross and i think i look better now even though its hard my body even feels better!

thank you girls those comments really keeps me motivated! its nice to be able to talk to you all
539 Aliyah // Aug 4, 2008 at 4:15 am

Rachel recovery is a life long process, your rediscovering urself. u shud make a list of what u want to be, n what anorexia is, and go out and make each thing happen. its motivating!
but keep it up, the doctors are the experts, anorexias the false lie and you know that.
you are not fat at all, you need to re gain, and love your body.
keep it up!
540 Zoe from Think Pilates // Aug 4, 2008 at 3:37 pm

I just saw Heather’s question about types of exercise to rebuild muscles. That’s and excellent question and I’m excited that you are asking it. I would definitely say pilates is a good choice, not just because I’m a pilates instructor, but because it is a unique form of exercise that not only builds muscles and strength but ALSO focuses on healthy anatomical alignment. So… you build muscle in a way that is healthy for your body. There is also a lot of focus on the core (abdominal) muscles to help create that beautiful, strong, and healthy posture. Pilates is also unique in that it tends to not build bulky muscles but longer/more lean muscles.
I would suggest working with an instructor in privates to start but if you want to do it from your home – pilates videos work, too. Choosing a video can be tough (some are over-marketed and under-educated.) I have a list of pilates dvd reviews of amazon.com’s top selling pilates dvds. It might help you out.

Pilates DVD Reviews

Peace,
Zoe
541 Megan // Aug 4, 2008 at 10:51 pm

Hey girls
Longg time no tlk. So how is every 1 doing these days? Well, I am still doing good trying my best to not restrict and continuing 2 eat. It is nice 2 meet u Rachael. You have 2 try and stay strong through annorexia. I know what it’s like it really is a real force 2 try and get better. I know I’m going through recovery right now. The way I got annorexic is I was basicaly obese believe it or not and my goal was 2 loose weight. Well, I lost well over 100 lbs and now I am droping 2 a low body weight. I’m being closely monitered by my doctor because she still is saying I should weight about 140. But when I do my BMI I am at a good body weight. So idk :S But I learnt that by not eating all it’s good 4 is making you feel miserable, cold, and sick. There were days where I felt like passing out in class cause I ate so little and restricted. And I now know that when you crave something, you just gotta eat it! Your body needs food in order 2 survive. You may think that you are winning but in the process you are hurting others that love you. I didnt realise how many people I was hurting with my annorexia. It’s hard 2 get over I know but just try and stay strong!! And remember if you keep on going what are you gonna become or whats gonna result in it? NOTHING! You’re just gonna edge yourself closer and closer 2 death. That goes the same with all you girls STAY STRONG!! WE CAN BEAT THIS!!!
542 Megan // Aug 4, 2008 at 10:59 pm

hey again girls
Just some vitamins that are really good for Annorexia and are making me feel better and healthier!! Oh and add some color 2 ur face K there’s.. Zinc, Vitamin E (good for the hair!), Vitamin C, and Vitamin B and make sure you take a good multi vitamin like One A Day Womans (thats what I take) and Aliyah, thanks for the hair suggestion! I’ve been trying a milk, mayonase, egg, oil, almond, advocado mix in the blender than soaking my hair in it. Gross I know!! But it is working I think! Plus I used 2 iron my hair cause I hate my curls but have stopped that so I guess it’s all working! YAY!
543 Aliyah // Aug 5, 2008 at 12:57 am

megan- awwwww im glas to hear ur doing well! keep it up.
i jus found out my results, so im going to uni now, i got in! im so happy, and this is really motvating me, to get better faster. uni isone place i cnt afford to have anorexia!

so girls, eat eat eat till ur hearts content n dont dare feel guilty!
x
544 Saphire // Aug 5, 2008 at 10:27 am

Hey Aliyah- I hope you dont mind- I added you to my msn Hope you are doing good- healthy and happy! Eating whatever you wish cause you deserve it! We all do. Whenever we have a craving- go for it. It doesnt matter what it is, whether its ice cream or chocolate… lets have it and enjoy it
Have a great day everyone!!!!! Dont dare restrict girls- stand up to ana and choose to live! x
545 New To Recovery // Aug 5, 2008 at 5:35 pm

I’ve been away from home for 5 months. After about of week of being away I started to watch what I ate. I didn’t even notice I had lost any weight until I saw it in my clothes. People started making comments about how little I ate; That I picked at my food like a bird, but I still didn’t realize it. I’m 5′6 and at my low was 49 (now around 51) kilos. Which compared to some isin’t bad at all. Right now I’m on foreign exchange and If I don’t get better I will be sent home. Not to mention that blood tests have shown signs of calcium deficiency and that i’m aneimic (spelling???). I’m ready to get better because i’m sick of being tired, turning blue when it’s just a little bit cold outside, and having everyone stare at me. However now every time I eat I get horrible stomach pains and end up vomiting whatever I ate. It doesn’t seem to matter what or how much…anything at all sets my stomach off. Anything would be helpful at this point. -I feel sick, weak, I’m risking going home, and yet I still feel fat, bloated, and that i’m gaining weight. Ahhhh! Please help.
546 Aliyah // Aug 6, 2008 at 2:12 am

new to recovery- hey welcome to the site! we all know here how u feel, and wht ur goingt through.
belive me, the way to get better is the only way foward. by regaining any weight lost, u regain ur life. you dont want anorexia to ruin ur life, and you have the power to stop it.
i would say at the start u need to eat vert small portions of food, regularly like 5/6 times a day and slowly ur body will adjust to having food. also if ur vomiting a lot, then try eat slowly, one bite at a time, ur body is so used to little,s o ur stomach will have shrunk. but it does get better, and over time, you’ll feel more n more hungry.
try energy drinks and make sure u have nothing diet!
the fat feelings are ll false, its anorexia it will always plant false thoughts into ur mind, and u need to tel urself, well where is the evidence im fat?? and the answer is none, emotions and feelings are not facts.
the fact is you need to regain, and even going ot a doctor and gettin more advice is a good step u cud do.
also chek out the somethingfishy website, which has lots of extra help and suport.
good luck in beating this horrible disease, you caan do it!

x
547 New To Recovery // Aug 6, 2008 at 5:27 pm

Thanks for the response.

I ate a grapefruit today and fel horrible (physically) afterwords. I can’t even eat a stupid grapfruit in one sitting!

I’m going to try to take you advice starting friday (tomorrow I will let my stomach rest because it’s killing me.). I’m planning on eating SOMETHING ever 2 hours or so between 7am and 9pm. Hopefully i’ll be able to stomach it. Any suggestions as to what to eat? (P.S: i’m in a foreign country and don’t really have access to brand names, but general suggestions would be a HUGE help!)

Also. I weighed myself today and am currently 167cm and 53 kilograms, with a BMI of 19 (Normal). But I feel worse than ever….I feel like a failure for being over 18,5 and being “normal” That word just translates as FAT to me…no matter how I look at it. Not to mention I gained 3 kilos (6.5 pounds) in just 12 days. SCARY! And I still have a handful of problems. I’m anemic, have low blood pressure (70-40), my joints ache, I’m low on calcium, I breathe heavily, my metabolism is beyond messed up and i’m mentally exhausted. Sorry that was really random and I ended just venting….but thanks for reading and thanks in advance for the response… Hope everyone else had a better day.
548 Sara // Aug 6, 2008 at 9:22 pm

new to recovery – Hey girl! Congratulations on the first steps you are taking! I know you felt sick on the grapefruit, but that is still a huge first step, and even if you felt uncomfortable, the nutrients were a relief to your body.

I had a similar problem but not as bad in early recovery; I’d get abdominal cramps and my digestion was very slow after meals. For now, you need to focus on things that are easy to digest and won’t upset your stomach. When I had the flu, my mom would always make me drink milk or apple juice, and eat chicken soup, saltine crackers, bread & butter… anything that’s fairly bland. The grapefruit’s acid was probably too much for you right now. Take it slow. Treat yourself like you are sick and nursing yourself back to health; cause that’s actually what you are doing.

You also need to get some vitamins into your body. If you’re not doing so already, take a supplement–especially iron. This will help you feel less fatigued. And drink milk!

Hope this helps and you feel better. Really all it takes is time… time and STICKING IT OUT. What you described with your weight going up quickly is *totally normal*. As with anyone after a period of starvation, you gain a little quickly and then stabilize. In other words, you *will not* continue to gain weight at that rate for much longer, so just keep doing what you’re doing. In fact, you are better off throwing away the scales for now. Focus on keeping food down and feeling better.

*hugs!*
549 Sara // Aug 6, 2008 at 9:33 pm

sorry for the double post…

I also noticed something in your first post. You said the eating disorder started right after you went on foreign exchange?

I guess I picked up on that because my eating disorder got really bad right before and during my trip to Ukraine when I was 15. I was struggling with feeling really alone at home, and I felt like this was my chance to break away from the past and make some real friends. And of course I didn’t want to be perceived as the stereotypical fat American… (ironically, nobody said anything about my weight–which was normal, anyway–it was the fact that I wouldn’t eat their food that made people worried.)

Anything like that going on with you? Either way, you have a lot of guts to be studying abroad and adjusting to a new culture. Even after 5 months, I can imagine it must be a mixture of exciting and overwhelming.

-Sara
550 Aliyah // Aug 7, 2008 at 3:06 am

new to recovery- just like sara said, you should hve multi vitamins. your weight is not as important in this recovery as your state of mind is. if u fel fat, ugly gross and disgusted, the way to get rod of it, is to develop healthy eating habits. regular food, every few hours boosts your metablism, and if u try to have a cup of green tea every day that cud also help.
try and have a glass of milk eveery nit before bed, and for iron u need to eat veggies and red meat.
onw hat to eat maybe? well how about some toast? a baked potaot? theyr are nice n simple, yet filling, you may not be able to finish it, but have as much as u can. your body needs carbs and protein.
good luck!
dont worry u can get thru it, ana is tryint to detroy u, and dont let it, cause belvie me, the first stages of recovery are horrible, and hard, but they get better, nd see one, day your gna love eating!

x
551 rachael // Aug 7, 2008 at 6:48 am

hey everyone! it sounds like a lot of you are doing better, ive been struggling but i am doing so much better sometimes i cant believe it haha but im about to go back to school 5 hours from home and i wont have a therapists down tehre and im just worried that im gonna loose weight again and even if sometimes i want to i know that would be the worst thing for me, i dont wanna have to eg tpulled outta school or anything, and sometimes i have no one to talk to cause noone around me understands what we go through ya know? so i was wondering if any of you have a facebook or email or something like im maybe we could chat on there it might be helpfull! just let me know, and i hope you are all eating healthy and getting healthy
552 New To Recovery // Aug 7, 2008 at 10:25 am

Sara.

It’s so nice to hear from someone that really knows EXACTLY what I am going through. I was told by the volunteers from my program that the girls who go on foreign exchange usually gain anywhere from 5 to 10 kilos. (Like 11-22 pounds). I got really scared when I came, and (I didn’t notice this) but after about a week I really started watching what I ate…and it slowly spun out of control. I too wanted to represent my country in a way that it could be known for something besides fast food and obese people. After a month I had lost about 9-10 pounds and none of my clothes fit…which is a lot when I wasn’t fat to start with (132 pounds and 5′6″). It got worse and my host mom got really worried. I’ve been up and down ever since….but now that i’m ready to change my body is so messed up that it’s setting me back…Which is SOOO frusturating. I have a reallly great host mom who is helping me through this, which is what I really need. I haven’t told any of my friends back home….I just don’t think they would understand. Thanks for the food suggestions, I’m STARVING.
553 Sara // Aug 7, 2008 at 6:04 pm

You know, I think that’s really the unsung value of study-abroad programs… not only do you get to visit a foreign country, but they have a chance to meet you and break stereotypes they may have had of Americans. Which I’m sure you did… they got to meet you and get to know you for the special person you are.

(My roomates and I hosted a Netherlands exchange student in college… it was awesome to hang out with this girl and find that she was very much like the rest of us. She was really a breath of fresh air, too. The guys in their group all wore tight flare jeans, which made quite a scene on our backcountry campus!)

in other news…

I’ve been doing okay… went through a real rough week recently. I’ve been totally overwhelmed, preparing for a church kids’ camp, which turned out to be biting off way more than I could chew with all the songs, skits, and lessons and trying to translate everything from Russian so I can figure out what I’m teaching… aaaahhhhh!! *cries*

I think the confusion got to me more than I knew, because in the midst of all this I started getting really frustrated with the fact that my weight’s stayed the same since I joined the gym. Like a doofus, I tried restricting for a couple of days to see if it would change anything… even though someone who knew my situation warned me to *be very, very careful*. I didn’t feel any better, as a matter of fact I felt worse and started to feel lightheaded like I did when I was in my eating disorder. And a couple of people made comments, because my going around feeling hungry was interfering with stuff I had to do at church like practicing skits. I am thankful that lady did warn me, because it stuck and I finally decided this was the very sort of trap I need to avoid. So I’m back on track. I took my little sister out for her birthday tonight and we had a nice steak dinner. (And they had my favorite Saratoga mineral water that I used to drink when I lived in upstate New York! Brought back memories.)

I need to stop obsessing right now and just “fly casual”, as Han Solo so aptly put it. I don’t need to be worried about throwing off my exercise routine, I have more important things to do this weekend at camp. Besides, I’m going to be run off my feet. I’m playing in this skit where six other people totally *beat the crap out of me*. I already have bruises everywhere from rehearsing in the paved parking lot–ouch! It is fun, though. I never get to thrash anyone in real life, so this is actually pretty fun.

By the way, my facebook is Sara S Badaracco, and if you go on there, there is a video of the skit we’re doing…it’s like five minutes long and is SO powerful! (the link is done at another church, it’s not me).
554 Megan // Aug 9, 2008 at 8:39 am

Hi everyone,
Long time no tlk I know! Anyways, how is everyone doing? Well, this week wasn’t my best. I did allot of restricing, and was back 2 my exercise routine again. I also lost some more weight. Not good! And just when I thought the coldness went away, its come back agian. I guess it is just my bodys way of saying feed me! And I also have some new bruises. Probably from the exercising. My hair is getting healthy again though! Aliyah, thanks for the hair suggestion. I have been making my own mix up actually I put olive oil, milk, avacado, egg, almonds, and maynase in a blender and than let it sit in my hair for about half an hour than wash it out. It sounds weird and it is gross yes I know but yay its working! I’m really going 2 try my best and get better b4 summer ends because I really want 2 go 2 school normal without having these stupid annorexic thoughts in my head, and having 2 wear my coat 2 all my classes and have every 1 stare @ me. Aliyah, I just wanted 2 say congrats on getting into uni!! WAY 2 goooo girl! And don’t let annorexia get in the way of your dreams and ambitons! Stay strong!
If any of you are wanting 2 chat on MSN add me: crazyblonde16@hotmail.com I also have facebook! And email me any time! Hope 2 tlk soon. You girls are great to have love talking to you xoxo lots of love hugs and kisses
555 Aliyah // Aug 9, 2008 at 11:31 am

well firstly girls, i feel amaing these days. take it from me, when u eat more,ur mind becomes clearere and im hungry alll the time. all i wanna do it eat, and im starting to listen to my body more nd more.
Megan- you reallydont need to exercise u need to focus on gettin better and reganining. life is not worth it, when u just think abotu food and calories all the time, please try to eat. Honestly if u do u feel so much bettter even though i feel full n ikky sometimes, the feeling doesnt last long!
Megan u can see ana is affecting u , you feel cold and bruise easy, please try to see ur bidy is screaming out for nourishment. why are u depriving it, wht r u gaining? NOTHING. ana is all false fact, and dont fall under the trap.
please everyone, eat as much as uwant, ur bidy needs it, for keeping everyone strong.
Im eating more now, and ive gained a little bit of weight, but it doesnt bither me, i want to eat, i want to be more normal and i can do it. so can everyone.
Its amazing, see if u eat more, the horrible feelings last less, and ur mind becomes clearer, i wke up with energy and my skin i must say is lookin better.
lets bethe picture of good health. Megan! u have goal, to get better before school, now get out there and achieve it! seturself little targets , make sure u eat regularly, hav ehigh calorie drinks and enjoy all the food u can enjoy!when u feel really fullor bad, ignore it! keep ur mind of it, and keep urself occupied. it goes away! when ana relaies she is losing, she goes away.

lots of love to everyone!
xxxxxx
556 Aliyah // Aug 16, 2008 at 11:36 am

heyy how is everyone?
im doing soo good, i really just wanna regainall my weight as soon as i can, so i can be better. im eating more, snackin more, n i generally feel much better:)
honestly, food tastes soo much better, n im really tryn not to calorie count, caue u enjoy food more, when u dont know whats in it .

just wanna say to everyone on here, keep fighting, its going to be soo sooo worth it. your going to end up full of energy, n ok so what uve gained, thers more to life, n can enjoy all the social situation n go out to yummy restaurants all the time.
hope everyone is well!
x
557 confused // Aug 16, 2008 at 4:11 pm

hi
i am recovering from anorexia but i’m just so confused , i am doing it without the help of doctors and nutritionists but i do see a nurse every 2 weeks to be weighed. im 19 5ft4 and about 39kilos. the problem is i have binges where i just eat and eat even if im so full up i cant fit anything else in. i would say ive eaten about 3000 cals today where normally id stick to around 1000-1200. i feel awful and try and make myself sick but it never works!!!! why am i binging????? help please
558 Megan // Aug 16, 2008 at 10:22 pm

To confused,
I know excatly what you are going through!! I am currently recovering and I believe I am getting better but I feel the same way I am having ALLOt of binge eating! I don’t think about the thoughts of it @ the time cause it just tastes sooo good! But after words I feel terrible ! And feel the same way like I need 2 throw up, or will feel the need 2 start major exercising 2 work it all off. But I think of it as this way… we have reprived out body of certain foods 4 a long time and now we are enjoying those foods again! So I think we should just eat! It is our bodies way of saying “ok I haven’t had this in such a long time! please just keep feeding me!” Confused, we need 2 eat. Don’t think about it just eat! That is what I am trying 2 do right now. And all summer long I feel like I have just been a baking machine I’ve just been baking and baking and baking! My body has been craving sweet things non-stop! It’s sooo annoying! And when I bake I will literly binge eat. But don’t worry our body is just wanting certain foods I think. Just feed it. You will be fine. My weight has been up and down all summer long. But I know excatly what u are going through with the binge eating. You arn’t alone! xoxo
559 Megan // Aug 16, 2008 at 10:33 pm

hey everyone,:)
if any of u wanna chat add me to msn.. crazyblonde16@hotmail.com I also have facebook!!
560 Aliyah // Aug 17, 2008 at 1:36 am

Confued- hey there! well done on finally deciding to beat anorexia! The ”binges” r not really binges, our bodies hav been starved soo much, it needs ALOT of extra food to repair n mend the damage. its part of recovery, u shud be eating that much everyday. anything less than 2000 wud still be starvation, so keep eating! ino it may seem like a lot but its because ur body needs so much extra. if u went to an anorexia programme u wud be put on a 4000+ calorie diet! doctors belive for the brain n mind to fnction properly of anorexics we need a very high calorie n fat diet!so ur not bingeing, do not wory at all. just feed ur poor body n give in to ur cravings. the food tastes soo good doesnt it?
n the throwing up, dont do it, thtas just anarexia trying to get to you, you will not get fat from eating the way u are , u will slowly start to get better n healthier n that is the way to be! keep going! xx
561 Aliyah // Aug 17, 2008 at 1:40 am

Megan, well done on feedi ur body n not giving in to the ana thoughts of exercising or throwing up/ It is just ur poor body wanting more food to repair itself. dont worry, n dont feel guilty after u deerve it.u deserve freedom from this awful awful diseaase. always rememebr u gain nothing from starving urself n depriiving urself, but my feedin urself u gain ur life bak n feel energetic n happy!
well done keep going, im eating a lot at the moment too, but im enjoying it soo much. i love all the yummy foods!
xx
562 rachael // Aug 17, 2008 at 6:04 am

hey yall sorry i havent really been able to talk or read many posts ive ben so busy and i think im goign in a downward spiral, i was doing good gaining wiehgt but idk i just got sick of everything and i dunno my thinking isnt straight i havent been very good these alst days and i dunno nothing seems to be going great, i have anxiety attacks about certain things and latley i havent had them but i have been dreaming i have them idk it kinda sucks like im afraid they are gonna start coming back..im at an all time low right now
563 confused // Aug 17, 2008 at 11:27 am

hey everyone, thank you so much for ur comments you all really know how to make somebody feel better. nobody else understands what we go through and it is such a relief to know there are other people going through what we go through. i have added u on msn megan so hopefully will speak to you properly on there…but i still feel like im binging, and oh my god i love to bake too, i made some cakes yesterday i kinda have nearly demolished it all already!!!!
aliyah thankyou aswell for replying, yes food tastes soooo nice i cant believe i was ever starving myself!!! just curious i dont know whether you can help me but really how many calories should i be eating a day??? how many do you all eat? and when u do binge eat have u gained alot of weight quickly, as this is what im scared of id rather gain weight properly then all of a sudden just have this pot belly!!! thanks guys ur amazing and i hope your all doing well x x x x muchus love x
564 Aliyah // Aug 17, 2008 at 11:33 am

Confued-ur most welcome. its ok, its not bingring, its normal. cause our bodie have been soo starved they need ALOT of food to recover. u shud be eating at least 2500 to 4000. depends on how tall u are n how much u need to regain? But really 3 big meals n lots of snack. our bodies really need it, so give it lots of food! and when u binge, no u dont gain weight suddenly, alot of wht we eat, is used up quickly to repair the inside of our bodies n for storage. as u eat more ur metabolism gets faster n u need to eat more n more. dont wory about regain, in the beginning its a bit faster than later on.
you wont have a pot belly, all ur weight gained will even out. You know, were not even gaining weight, we r REGAINING what we lost! so really any fat thoughts are all ana trying to get u down!
dont let it!
keep going n keep posting!
xxx
565 Sara // Aug 18, 2008 at 7:56 pm

Sara here… I have really been struggling this week. I got back from camp and felt really good, but lately I feel like I am on a roller coaster with food. I am trying to just eat *healthy* (as in plenty, but natural foods / not junk or sugar that makes me feel tired). I feel immensely better mentally/physically when I eat well. But the flip side is that when I pay attention to what I’m eating, I tend to eat less. And so I’ve been going around feeling hungry, and it’s driving me crazy.

I don’t want to be obsessed with food or weight. I want to just be normal like usual. I just got back from the gym, I only worked out for like 30 minutes, but I feel more stressed than when I went in. And I’m trying to eat something before bed, but I think maybe the exercise is messing with my appetite. Idk. I’m eating it anyway. I can’t let something dead beat something alive.

I don’t even know what I’m stressed about, except that I have to teach a lesson on cocaine addiction at work (that I’m not prepared for). And the guy I like was being nice to me again. I wish he would just ignore me so I can get over him, because I know he doesn’t really like me for who I am. .
566 confused // Aug 19, 2008 at 12:52 pm

OMG HELP ME NOW!!!! tonight i got in and was starving so i ate 6 ryvitas with ham cucumber and tomato on top, then 3 big bowls of cereal and then some skinny cow chocolate icecream…..i cant stop im still hungry and i know i shouldnt feel bad because i need to put on weight but i feel sooo bad and i think im gunna wake up tomro and be massive and probably would have gained about 7lbs!! does anybody else binge like this? somebody please help me and make me feel better x x x x
567 Aliyah // Aug 19, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Confued- calm down, wht u did is soooooooo normal in recovery. we all do it, we all have moments where we eat loads! its cause our bodies have been so straved they need a lot of extra food. do not worry, u will not wake uo 2moro fat at all. I promise you. When u feel these urges just eat until ur full then stop.
our bodies need it for repair, it shows you how malnourished ur body is. plz dont worry at all, its a sign of achievement its a good thing, ana is tryin to makeu feel fat n horrible. dont listen to it!
n u r not alone! we all do it!

xxxxx
568 Megan // Aug 19, 2008 at 9:45 pm

Confused,
I know EXACTLY what u r going through! I am doing random binge eating 2. But it is all because we have deprived our selves of those certain foods for so long and our bodies are telling us enough is enough I want it!! Confused , don’t worry about what you are eating when u feel the need 2 u just gotta eat! That is what I am trying 2 do. We really are starving inside and need fuel in order 2 survive. About the weight gain, I have been doing the same thing as you randomly just binge eating but I haven’t gained any weight! That is because our bodies need it. So don’t deprive! Just enjoy food and enjoy every bite! Listen 2 Aliyah she gives really good advice. Hope ur doing ok too Aliyah!! And Aliyah is right annorexia is just an ugly voice almost like a demom that lives and torments inside us. We HAVE 2 beat this girls!!!
569 Aliyah // Aug 20, 2008 at 1:16 am

hey megan! yeh ive been realyyy good, eating lots, challenging myself n listening to my body, n its food needs. u feeel soo much better after eating dnt u?
how r u anyway?
x
570 confused // Aug 20, 2008 at 2:58 pm

hiya
thankyou megan for the comment, made me feel alot better…i think its cause im new to all of this recovery stuff and im doing it all by myself so im finding it hard to know what im doing is normal, and u guys are great ur really helping me and making me feel like im not going mad and gunna turn into this fat pig!!!
anorexia is horrible, we should be able to take some sort of tablet to get rid of the voices haha, god that makes us sound like we’re mad!!
how is everyone else? i feel like i just ramble on about myself on here, but im prob gunna be crap at advice because u guys have been going through it soo much longer then me and know all the ins and outs but if u ever wanna ask me anything at all im here for you all and lets do this altogether!! wahoo x x x x
571 isabella mori // Aug 20, 2008 at 8:03 pm

hi everyone – i haven’t been paying attention and just realized that you guys have been posting here. please do me a favour and continue the conversation over on “page 2″ of this chat area – here. thanks!
572 Megan // Aug 24, 2008 at 10:23 pm

hey girls,
how is everyone doing? Well, I’m getting really scared I go 2 my doctors on Tuesday and the last time I saw her if I lost more weight she said she was gonna send me 2 an eating disorders doctor. I have lost about 2 or 3 pounds since I have last seen her (July) and my weight is just constantly up and down! I just hope she will let me slide . But idk. My eating hasn’t been the best either. It was great in July but somehow it went down hill in the middle/end just when I thought I was getting better. But I’m not exercising as much as I used 2 though. I just keep on counting and restricting what I eat. And I also find that I am baking that eating allot of it! It’s sooo bad! Cause it just tastes soooo good and I keep on eating and eating it.:( Any one else finding they have a sweet tooth as well?? Confused, I am doing recovery by myself 2 my doctor is just watching my body weight so it doesn’t dip any lower. I sometimes wonder if I need counseling 2 deal with it but I believe that I can get through this! We are ALL STRONG! WE CAN BEAT THIS! And Aliyha, How are you doing these days? talk to you girls soon
megan xoxo
573 Aliyah // Aug 25, 2008 at 1:21 am

hey megan, sorry to hear uve had a ruff time. but honestly, you must focus on your eating, eat as much as u can every single day, its soo important. dnt calorie count or restrict, i dont do it anymore, n it helps me eat a lot more, and i feel freeer. we have the right to eat when we want and however much we want so we shud do it!
life is too short to worry about calories isnt it? regaining our weight is the only way out of this mess. ana will never go away if we restrict n calorie count, we must disobey ana and challenge ourselves.
a counceller is good , i see one every now and then, u get a lot of helpful tips and advice, so u shud definetly try it
im great thanks, just eating lots and trying to be ‘normal’ abot food i guess
x
574 Andre Dotseth // Aug 25, 2008 at 11:11 pm

I know anorexia is bad. I staved out for a week in the hospital after I was in an accident. Some smart alic psychetrist put me on remeron.

Everything they have me on causes weight gain. I ate two chicken legs and 5 pieces of cake and 4 l. of diet soda. I usually go thru a drive thru window and scarf a double cheese burger for the day or eat a carton of ice cream.

I know this isn’t good, but anything so I don’t obsess about diet and excersize. I am over weight actually. My low was 20 years ago at 166 and I’m almost 230 not in a good way. I think both of my roomates are anorexic although they haven’t done the starve and barf.

I think with men alcohol has calories. There is a part of me that thinks skin and bones are healthy
575 Megan // Aug 26, 2008 at 8:38 am

Alyiha,
Thanks. I know I’m trying my best 2 focus on my eating and 2 eat regular meals just like a normal person but I still can’t seem 2 eat an entire sandwhich or eat a bowl of ceral like I used 2. Dinner is one meal that is fine though! I will eat that! It’s just so stupid how we obsess over numbers. Annorexia is a deadly obsession. I am going 2 the doctors today and I know I have lost a few pounds and am really hoping she won’t make my parents put me in an eating disorder clinic. I’m sooo nervous and scared! And everytime I go she asks me what I eat 4 my meals. I’ll see how it goes and tell you about it later! Take care talk to you again soon. xoxo
576 hiding // Sep 1, 2008 at 5:47 pm

hello.
i am a recovering anorexic and the only people who know about my disorder are my friends and counselors from camp. i really dont want my parents to find out but the reason i cant tell them is because they are what caused my anorexia. they are constantly pushing me at everything i do until it becomes too much. i would probably still be anorexic if i hadnt gone to camp that year and opened up. i really dont think that i could stand to break their hearts by telling them something like that. any suggestions?
577 Aliyah // Sep 2, 2008 at 1:08 am

hiding- im so sorry to hear that, nt ,y parents partly caused my anoroexia with their high expectations and strictness, and uno by teling them, i am now in the best place i have ever been in recovery. of course it will hurt ur parents, but at the end of the day they love u no matter what, and they shud help and support u to get better. Do u live with them? cause if u do, its impossible not to tell them. im sure they must have sum idea u arent well. the only way for u to get out of anorexia is regain ur weight n life bak and face ur fears. its a a long and hard path but it must be done. u cud go to ur doctor n ask for the best way to tell them, maybe she cud sit with u or something?

Megan- heya. u sed u find it hard to finish meals, but uno when u are eating them, it is just anorexia screaming false ideas into ur head. u must be stronger than the vice and finish it of. whe u finish it, u have beat ana and proved to urself u can do it. its a great feeling! and when u have a meal u shud sit with the telly on, or sumone else, to distract u from the horrible voices!

good luck x
578 Megan // Sep 5, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Hi everyone,

How is everyone doing? Well, a couple of weeks ago I went 2 my doctor and I lost a few more pounds but I was shocked she didn’t send me away 2 that eating disorders clinic she just said as long as the weight loss isn’t drastic like 5 or 10 pounds than I will be fine. She is still keeping a close watch on me and she gave me a meal plan 2 try and eat 1800 calories at least a day. The thing is is that my annorexia has gotten bad again. I lost sooo much week within a week 6 punds which is not good! I guess it is because I still haven’t been eating allot. Than I gained some weight and started 2 freak out so I began 2 restrict and exercise agan. I really am trying not to fall back into my old habits again and its hard! But I have been eating a little more for breakfest and lunch because I have been feeling dizzy, and faint now that I am back in class and I’m trying to maintain my weight becasuse its always up and down! And than when I lost more weight I started 2 see more bones and see my ribs start to protrude and it’s not a pretty site 2 see. Aliyah, thanks the voices have started 2 stop but I still can’t stop counting calories!! It’s sooo annoying. I just wish I could eat normal without doing my whole calorie counting again. Annorexia is a dangerous habbit. But I’m gonna try and beat this! I keep on telling my self 2 stay strong. That goes for all you girls together we will beat this! Annorexia is just a voice, and a voice can so eaisly be turned to a whisper and in time a whisper can disapear.
579 Aliyah // Sep 5, 2008 at 1:54 pm

megan- anaorexia isjust a voice that can disapear. it will ony go, i f u truely want it to, u must fightit every sinlge day by eating , and thats the only wa to get stronger. u must overcome the fear and voice, and as u eat more u will feel more and mre hungry.
just think of a lovely life without it, and eventually u will win! i know u will.
calorie counting will go awa with it too, it takes time, like now i dnt calorie count as much, but i still do sumtimes it is so hard to stop completely.
im sorry to hear u had a bad time, but make it good, live ur life like u shud
good luk x
580 Megan // Sep 5, 2008 at 9:03 pm

Aliyah,
Thanks 4 the advice. You’re really making a difference in my life right now , and you always know the right things 2 say. You’re motivating me 2 stop my annorexia and try to get better. Thank you! Well, I don’t calorie count as much as I used 2 nor do I exercise as much either. But last night 4 instance I went 2 a run after dinner (bad I know!) And than that stupid voice kept on making me do more and more push my self further and further. You are right it’s just a voice and it will dissapear but it just takes time and patience I guess. I like baking allot but than I end up eating sooo much of it than I feel like a fat pig 4 it. Anyways, How are you doing these days? Are you getting better? Best of luck 2 you!! xoxo
581 Aliyah // Sep 6, 2008 at 11:08 am

megan- heya darling! ur soo sweet thats such a nice thing to say uno what, i just ate a huge dinner and im stuffed but theres no way in hell i wud go for a run and burn it off, do uno why? cause i enjoyed it, and i dnt think i shud feel guilty. yes im soo goodjust now thanks, im eating all the time, and i love it. im enjoying food and im tryin new things, im breaking my boundries and i fel energetic and strong and normal!
and uno what megan, u can do it too, next time that horrible voice comes into ur mind remind urself, u are real and human the voice isnt, so why shud u listen to it. by regainin weight u will get ur life back! honestly u will and u will be full of energy so when u hear the voice ignore it.
heres sumideas to keep ur mind off the voice- watch tv, fone a friend, listen to relaxing music, eat!, go to sleep medidtate or take a bath. just do sumthing u enjoy and like and it will take ur mind off it.
bakin is great! so yummy and u shud be enjying the gorgeous taste of cakes and it will give u lots of energy
keep going megan!!
xx
582 Megan // Sep 6, 2008 at 10:20 pm

Aliyah,

Thanks again for your great advice. You seem like such a confident person, and that motivates me to get better and defeat this!! I know I can. And I am trying my best. I really do enjoy food but than after I just find myself doing the same old stupid annorexic trick again.. calcualting how much I ate. I drives me nuts! But it isn’t as bad as last year sometimes when we would be doing a class not I would stop and start adding my calories up on my page. So I know that I am better than what I was. But still not totally over it. I guess it just all takes time! But do you ever find you weight is up and down? I lost about 4 more pounds this week. I always get low on the weekends than during the week it is higher. It’s sooo confusing. I really gotta just stop because if I get any lower annorexia is gonna try and take me away and I don’t want it 2. Right now I am baking for the fair I enter stuff each year. It’s lots of fun and helps keep my mind off of things. Take care and ttyl bye!
xoxo
And thanks!!
583 Aliyah // Sep 7, 2008 at 3:47 am

megan- heyy aww ur so sweet! and yeah it does take time, and then u realise, and u truely wanna get better and u just fight all the time against ana. Um no my weight is pretty stable, im finding it hard to gain, but im eating a lotof food so im gettin there, but i dnt exercise at all or anything. do u? focus on regain all teh time, u have to eat an extra 500 calories every day for a week jus to gain one pound! so u gta keep eating all the time, no matter how u feel hun, cause its gna be worth it at the end!

xx
584 struggling!!! // Sep 10, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Hey everyone!!! i am sooo surprised yet relieved to hear that i am not alone. I am trying so hard to recover from anorexia which i have had for over a year now but when i think i’m doing well…(put on a few pounds) i get petrified and don’t eat again for a few days. I’m 5ft 2 and about 83 pounds and all my friends and family comment on how skinny i am, but when i look in the mirror i just feel fat. i sooo want to change.. why does it have to be so hard arggghhh!! helppp!!!
585 Aliyah // Sep 10, 2008 at 3:29 pm

strgguling- heya, u are not alone! we all hear that horid voice too. but take it from me, ive been in recovery for nearly a year and the only way to get out of anorexia is to eat. u have to regain ur life back, by regainin ur weight. yes u will feel fat a lot, but thats just a stupid voice lying to u. learn to ignore it n challenge it.
try the something fishy website to get sum tips , but ur not alone, and jst kep fighting. keep ur mind off anorexia and food by keeping urself occupied after eating and also to rememer to eat regulary and often. this will help speed ur metablism up and get u used to food!

good luck
586 struggling!!! // Sep 11, 2008 at 5:17 am

Aliyah- thanks for the advice! i cant help but be amazed at how determind and strong u r, you are a very inspirational person and already i feel more determind to beat this. I no things won’t happen over night but i have decided that from today i’m goin to make areal effort to change. I am just glad i decided 2 be apart of this site because i seriously don’t no how 2 talk about it 2 other people. My mum has obviously noticed but i just get angry when she tries 2 bring it up! and my dad just has no idea that i am ill and actually very low, he just makes comments about me all the time which realllyy don’t help me feel better about myself.
Today is the first step in the right direction for me and u have been a big influence in my decision 2 take this step and i can’t thank u enough.Thankyouuu!!! =-)
x
587 Aliyah // Sep 11, 2008 at 5:23 am

struggling- aww thank u ur so sweet. ive just been suffering from this awful ed so long, i hate seeing other people going thru the same. i hate that horrid voice. just remember thers always gna be real hard time, and times when hat voice wont go away, but u have to fight, u have to eat, the more u eat, the faster the recovery. Face the fact, to get better u have to gain weight, which means a lot of food. when ur healthier, ur gna benefot so much from energy and vitality, and ull set a good example to ur partner AND can help them get better:)
why dont u tell ur parents? i told mine, and they are a great support dont hide it, they can help u get better. i sometimes need to speak to my mum for a comforting word.

xxxkeep posting
588 Aliyah // Sep 11, 2008 at 5:26 am

i dnt know why i sed partner there sorry, i was thinkin of sumone else :p x
589 struggling!!! // Sep 11, 2008 at 6:03 am

oh its ok ha =-) I don’t no what it is that stops me from just admitting 2 my parents that i have a problem. My mum tries 2 talk about it nearly everyday and i actually found out that she once suffered 2, which i admit made me feel better about myself as i no she will understand what i’m going through. I have admitted 2 her ive had issues with food and how i percieve myself but then i turn it around by telling her i am ok now and that i’m over it. I think the main reason i don’t want 2 admit it is that i feel like such a failure and i also don’t think my dad would understand either because he’s always seen me as some one who’s very strong and determind, and he expects me to do well in life.
You sound so happy and bubbly now and i am keeping that thought in my head as i can’t wait for the day i feel like that 2. Well done 2 u by the way =-)
xxx
590 Aliyah // Sep 11, 2008 at 6:58 am

a lot of anorexics are perfectionists, we want to be good at everything, and when we feel we cnt control sumthing we turn to food. the fact ur mum sufferred is a HUGE sign meanng for u to tell her, honestly it wil help so much, she can encourage and motivate u. this journey is to hard to do alone, u need family and friends support. No one is gna be ashamed of you, everyone wants to help u

and yes it has taken me agesss to get to the stage im at, i suffered anorexia twicwe and bulimia like 4 times, but im tryin to put it all behind me and look fwd to a life without any of it! eat and feel free. today when i ate too much at lunch – a burger, can of coke and biscuits i went for a drive and played music loud and sang along! i felt soo much better after, so try to do things that make u happy and smile

wishing u the best! im always here if u needa chat xx
591 struggling!!! // Sep 11, 2008 at 2:42 pm

after speaking 2 u on here i went down stairs and made myself sumfin 2 eat…it wasn’t easy and i couldn’t stop myself from reading how much fat and calories there were, but i stayed strong and i ended up with a tuna salad…not alot 2 the average peson but 2 me it was a start even though with each mouthfull i had i couldnt stop worrying about how fat i might get. I ate it tho and not long after i took the dog for a walk. This really helped me take my mind off feeling guilty and stopped the ‘voice’ haha so many people on here have said that keeping busy really helps with recovery and i sooo agree..looks like im just gonna have 2 keep veeerryy busy from now on, coz i will beat this damm thing i will haha keep strong people xx ohh and 1 more thing i think this site is gr8 its really amazin how just having people2 relate 2 can make u feel so much stronger, every person on here is so brave and strong well done! and thanks again for ur advice Aliyah! =-)
xx
592 Aliyah // Sep 11, 2008 at 3:27 pm

struggling- ahhhhhhh!! WELL DONE! im soo proud of u. u kicked ana in th ebutt there! heres a list of things to do to keep ur mind of ana ‘ read a book, run a bath and have a nice long one, talk to sumone, browse internet, watch a movie, fone a friend, write down a list of the horrible things ana makes u feel, listen to music, take a nap…..

keep posting! wer all here for u. ur not alone:)
593 Megan // Sep 12, 2008 at 10:17 pm

welcome 2 the sire struggling,

You have come 2 the right place. I just recently this year became annorexic. I guess there is no real explination how we become annorexic, how that stupid second evil sister (as I call it) just pops into our head. But I go by the quote I made up while struggling and trying 2 cope with this… A voice can eaisly be turned to a whisper, and in time a whisper will evantually disappear. The voice WILL dissapear! You just have 2 make sure you stay strong. And when you hear that stupid sister of yours inside your head taunting with you try your best of blocking it out by just grabbing something you want 2 eat and evantually it will disapear. The voices that I have been hearing for almost a year are slowly starting 2 fade away. But by eating you destroy it!! And what do we gain by not eating? NOTHING! Because by eating we are destroying our bodies, and it just makes us weaker letting annorexia get the best of us. Some days you will have your bad days but hey, we all do right? But do we really want 2 be counting calories the rest of our lives? I fear that this will never go away. My calorie counting is such an obsession! But it is getting ALLOT better. You can beat this we can all beat this!! You are in the right place. And Alyiha is such a great person 2 turn 2. She offers such great advice. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her! Thanks Alyiha you mean the world for me!! xoxoxo
594 struggling!!! // Sep 13, 2008 at 3:50 am

Hi megan, i like ur quote i will sure be keeping that 1 in mind thankyou! i guess being anorexic just becomes a routine for us, something we see as the norm, but all the advice i have been given upto now makes me realise this is not normal, however it has become a routine and one which i am determind to break..or should i say will break =-) I guess we just all have to stay positive and find something new to focus on from now on, then like u say that voice will fade. see im gettin the hang of it already hehe!
since becoming apart of this site i would say i’m doing ok, but i have also had some slip ups. One day i was able 2 eat something but then the next i felt so guilty and didn’t eat a thing. Since then ive tried to pick myself up again by making sure i’m in the room with others whilst i eat so they could distract me away from feeling guilty… from hearing that voice…and for me this was hard but something which became easier, as i finally felt apart of my family again instead of just feelingthat i was alone =-)
You sound like your doing really well and i wish you the best of luck because your right, we shouldnt let this horible, evil thing destroy us! stay strong i believe in you… well done! =-)
xxxx
595 Aliyah // Sep 13, 2008 at 11:17 am

struglling- heya well done so far! teh start is so hard, up and down all the time but ur doing amazing! very proud. its better to eat with people, it makes u eat more and thats only good! When ana gets to u ignore her, do sumthing to keep busy and dont not eat, try ur best not to restrict, ino its so hard and whenthe voices come they attack u. but really try ur best not too, feed your soul, and regain ur life back

xx well done xx
596 Megan // Sep 13, 2008 at 10:03 pm

Struggling,
I’m glad my quote helped! I write allot in my spare time and during my whole struggle with Annorexia I’ve made allot of quotes to try and come to terms with myself and what I am going through. Writing is another great way 2 get things off of your mind! Same with reading. But I totally know what you mean about the not being able 2 eat and feel guilty about it. I still go through that off and on! My annorexia isn’t as bad as it was, but I still have my bad days off an on. We all do! But we HAVE 2 stay strong! We must fight this!! I know we can beat this, it’s just it all takes time. But remember everything will evantualy get better in time. Nothing lasts forever. So stay positive!! If you ever want 2 tlk I have MSN and facebook. take care! xoxo megan
597 Krista // Sep 14, 2008 at 1:38 pm

I’m recovering from anorexia/bulimia. I’m 5′2″ and last time I was weighed, i was up to 95lbs. I feel so fat though. My clothes are feeling tighter and I’m becoming more and more depressed about it. i used to have so much control when it came to constriction, but now its as if I cant stop eating. I want everything and my binges are out of control. I just don’t know what to do….Its as if i’m going from one extreme to the other.
598 Aliyah // Sep 15, 2008 at 4:16 am

Krista – hiyaaa welcome to the site! ive had anorexia and bulimia i know how u feel, belive me. you shud have a structire in ur eatng, like make sure u have 3 big meals a day with say two snacks of whatever u like. that way it can help cntrol the binges. but bingeing is a normal part of recovery, its hard, very hard but u have to have the power and will power to overcome it and u can. recovery is about regaining ur life back, and havein g a healthy and happy life.
u cud maybe see a nutrionist?
599 Krista // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:05 pm

I’ve seen a nutritionist, shes wonderful actually. Its weird though, I learned to stay away from certain foods and had so much control of what I put in my body. Now its as though I can’t stop eatting. I’m afraid I’m going to gain too much too quickly. Every morning I wake up and tell myself “Krista, today is going to be a good day”…and it might start off fine, but I always seem to fall into binging and purging. I don’t want to do it, it just seems inevitable…I hate that part of myself. I always feel so out of control. I’m going to start seeing a psychologist that the nutritionist recommended. She has suposedly helped many people with eating disorders on both end of the spectrum.
I woke up feeling fat today. I just wish I could wake up and feel beautiful without forcefully telling myself I am.
I think this is agreat website by the way. Yesterday was really hard for me. I was searching the web to help keep myself out of the kitchen and came upon this site. It got me through the rest of the night. Thank you.
600 Aliyah // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Krista- u honestly shuldnt purge. ino how addictive it becomes, but one day ages ago i went to far and start brining up loads of blood. its so scary and horible and i dont want it to happen to u. just focus on eating well, try to have a routine, set food out , so u dnt binge. when u have a meal, have everythin ur gna have on the plate so u dnt go lookin for more.
good luck with the psychologist, im sure it will be great help to u.
the battle is long and hard but u can do it, if u want to love urself, u have to embace change andlearn to accept urself for who u are. and u are a beautiful person regardless of weight and size, be the true u, and that is a person without a voice
x
601 Megan // Sep 15, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Krista,

First off welcome 2 the site! I am 18 yrs old and I am currently recovering from annorexia. But just like you I am binge eating 2!! I know what u mean. The food that I am binging on is well, I LOVE 2 bake and will eat it as soon as I bake it. It’s soo bad! But I enjoy the taste so much. We shouldn’t have 2 restrict ourselves. We are destroying our bodies inside by doing that. I think we crave certain foods and binge because we have starved our selves of the foods we used 2 love 4 sooo long! Now that I am recovering, I notice that I enjoy food more and more now but I still sometimes find myself adding up the stupid calories. Krista, you shouldn’t purge I have tried that before but it has never worked. You need the food to recover and get your body healthy again. Eat as much as you want when you want it’s all apart of a healthy recovery! xoxo good luck
602 isabella mori // Sep 15, 2008 at 2:17 pm

hi all – this is isabella, the owner of this site. i’m going to close comments on this particular page. please continue the discussion here. see you there!
603 Shay // Sep 29, 2008 at 12:39 pm

Hi, I am currently trying to recover from anorexia. I find that I am binging and feeling bloated!!! I look in the mirror and hate what I see and think how long its going to take to get rid of all this extra weight. I am 5′5 and was down to 112 and now that I have gained some back I feel fat and disgusting! They keep telling me that its ok to eat and that the bloating will go away. Is this really true? Because I keep trying to find a new way to “diet” that won’t get me in trouble again. Please help me out with this!!!
Thanks
604 Aliyah // Sep 29, 2008 at 12:53 pm

shay- welcome! well done on decding to get better. recovery is about learning to love yourself and accepting ursel for who u are, yes the bloating does go away belive me, i went thru it. u have to stick by it, when ur body trust u agen it will get bettter! do not go on a diet, ur body has suffered enuff. U must eat a lot of food now, u need it, and anorexic voices get less asu eat more. its sounds crazy, but honestly the days i eat lots of food i get less ana. ANOREXIA IS A SLOW SUICIDE. we are damaging our bodies so much by not eating. please eat well, and look after ur body. u only live once, u do not wanna be older and regret it. u deserve to eat when u want and however much uwant. listen to the experrts, they are tellin u for a good reason! U may feel digusting, but if u think about it ur not even gaining weight, all ur doing is regainin weight u lost!
im beginin to like my body now, it look sbetter with sum skin on it! who wants to look weak and sick! lets enjoy food eh?

xx
605 Shay // Sep 29, 2008 at 3:37 pm

Thanks for responding! I have another question. What about exercises? What is the best to be doing, how long, or how much? I am starting to feel like I have a little more energy to exercise, but even just a little bit leaves me completely drained, any suggestions?
606 Aliyah // Sep 29, 2008 at 11:35 pm

shay- ur welcome! u shuldnt be doing any exercise at all yet. wait till uve regained weight first before u do any. it cud damage ur body and prolong the recovery process. it cud also become addictive. when i tried to recover the first time, i ended up doin so much exercise and then i ended up with ana agen! so once uve regained ur weight, then do light exercises like walking. nothing strenous. And honestly dnt fret about no exercise cause i dnt do any! and im nearly at my ideal weight.
just enoy food, the last thin any of us want is to be ill, cold, tired, unhappy and infertile!
ignore that voice!

xx
607 Shay // Sep 30, 2008 at 9:25 am

Thanks for the response! I missed my run this morning and was pretty upset with my self! How much weight should I be gaining? I gained ALOT in the first two weeks and tried doing measurements and totally freaked out!!! I feel that I have undone all that I have worked for. And has anyone experienced soreness or tenderness all over? My muscles just ache all the time and I am not even doing that much?
608 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 9:29 am

shay- ur welcome!ur muslces are sore cause u have put ur body thru too much . Dont exercise, at all, ur hurting ur muslces. and the scary thing? ur heart is a muscle. why do u think so many anorexics die of heart attacks? its cause they have exercised too much and the muscles cant take it. so seriously do not worry about exercise, u have a new goal now, to regain ur weight. focus on that, not losing or restricting intake at all. At the start of recovery u shud be puttin on about 2 pounds a week, till ur body gets used to food agen, then after it will level out, and u will have to increase ut intake, as ur metablism gets faster.

how much r u eating anyway? r u gna see a doctor at all?

xx
609 Shay // Sep 30, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Thanks for responding! I have been to a doctor and he was thrilled with the amount of weight I put on, it was seriously like 16 lbs in 3 weeks (he said it was mostly water and the bloating) is that true? I feel so fat and disgusting again! I tried to start my Weight Watchers program again today, but I find I start counting calories instead and I had only had 90 calories and it was nearly 1:00!!! I just feel that I need to do something or I will gain back everything that I have worked for!!!
610 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 12:55 pm

Shay- dont worry!yeah at the start its mostly water retention. I hated it too, i didnt feel good, but if u stick by it, it passes. it does take a gd wee while, it just depends on ur body i guess uno.mines took about 8 weeks or so but dont worry. just enjoy it, ud rather br gettin better and enjoying food!
whyr u doing a weigh watchers programme?and 9o calories is nothing. thats so little . u need to eat loads of calories. hundres and hundres. hell even thousands!
keep ur mind of food, go on this http://www.something-fishy.org. its got loads of hints and help and it has loads of oether people recovering on it too in forums.

are ur family all a great support? how long did u have ana? how old r u?
xx
611 Shay // Sep 30, 2008 at 2:58 pm

Oh trust me I ate some more calories and now I feel bad about it! The weight watchers program is what I had started doing a long time ago to lose weight and I wanted to try it again. I am now 27 and yea my family is a great support for me, they tell me how good I look but I really have a hard time believing them. My ana has went on for quite a while but I only started getting help within the last month or so. How about you?
612 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 3:02 pm

shay-but u dnt need to lose weight! dont let ana tell u that.. u need to regain ur weight and life back!
aww its gd u have ur family as a support/ i bet they all eat normal and thats how we wanna be!
ive had anorexia and bulimia on off for 6 years . finallly last year i decided to get better , now i am sooooooooo much better! not far from my ideal weigt and i actually like my body now, it looks better with skin on it!! my jeans fit properly!
what kinda foods do u eat? istheir any foods u wnt eat?

x
613 Shay // Sep 30, 2008 at 4:01 pm

What would be my ideal weight? I feel that I am way over and yes my jeans fit (ok my smallest ones don’t fit…..) I feel that I am getting way too big. My dad says that I look good but is the 16 lbs way too much? Or is it just water and will it go away? AS far as foods go, I like most normal foods, I really only crave sweet things such as sugary cereals. Any suggestions for a food plan?
614 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 11:35 pm

shay- well ur height and activity levels will determine how much u need to weigh. hw tall are u? if it helps im about 5ft ( small ino!) and my ideal weight is just under 7 stone.
nah tha 16 pounds isnt way too much cause most of it is water. it will go away and stop but u ave to keep at it and keep eating cause ur body has to get used to food agen and it has to trst u that u want starve it agen ( which u wnt!).
food plan? um why dont u see a nutrionist? but i wud say make sure u have 3 biggg meals! breakfast have cereal or toast, lunch whatever u like as long as it has protein and carbs so like a sandwich and dinner the same carbs and protein. and inbetwen have snacks. cerealbars, crisps, pancakes, fruit, breadsticks,… the list is endlesss.

x
615 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 8:49 am

Thanks for the response! I am about 5′5 and it said my ideal weight is between 114 and 150 (talk about a spread Thanks for the help and the ideas. I sure hope that this goes away becuase I keep wanting to diet and start starving myself again so I can fit into my “SKINNY” jeans. Do you know if there are any exercises just for toning muscles? I kinda look a little, well a lot flabby now?
616 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:02 am

shay- heyy no worries. firstly make sure ur at ur ideal weight! then if u are do light exercises like yoga. its supposed ot be good, not too streneous but helps tone.i bet u dont look flabby at all! i dont do any exerise, walkin around uni , and studying/recvising takes up enuff energy from me! I learnt in biology class today about nutrition and seriously to everyone on this site, being deficient in nutrients is so o dangerous. The really scary one is osteoroporsis, ( weak bones), if we dont have enuff calcium now in the fuutre our bones are gna become so weak and break so easily
lets prevent this everyone! please!
do not dfiet or starve urself, u only become miserable and sad this way, and losing weight is never enuff for an ed. stay strong and lov eur body!!

xx
617 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:30 am

Thanks for the advice!! Does anyone here go to a group therapy? I feel silly sitting there and feeling like I am by far the largest one present, but it seems to help (at least for the time I am there)
618 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:50 am

SHay0 nah i dont go to group therapy, but i see a couneller occasionaly and i used to see a nutrionist too but i dnt need one anymore haha.
honestly shay i bet ur are not big at all! u just feel it! so anyways are u at ur ideal weight? how do u feel energy wise and that? u had bulimia too u sed? how long for?

xx
619 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 10:29 am

I see a counselor usually once a week, and just started group therapy. I need to find a nutritionsit there just is not one down here. I am at about a size 7-9 in juniors and I was in a 2 so I feel that I am huge!!! As far as energy goes I feel ok, just wehn I try and to my 4 mile run or 12 mile bike ride I get really tired really fast not just physically but mentally as well. As far as bulimia I have done that on and off for quite a few years.
620 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 10:34 am

Shay- aww coool. gosh a 4 mile run and 12 mile bike ride! that realy is so much, u shudltn strain urself. ur muscles will get damaged really! be careful, dnt push urself to do exercise. exercise is an anorexic thing, it can become obsessive. i used to make myself go to he gym all the time and walk everywhere. n one nite my heart was beating really slowly. its soo scary, it freaked me out, then i woke up and blaked out
i feel as though i just wanna look after my body now uno? an dfeed it, im done hurting it
do u work and stuff? what do u do?

xx
621 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 11:43 am

Yes its had become obsessive for me, I can barley do a 3 mile run like 3 times a week and I haven’t clocked the bike miles for awhile. I work as a prison guard and then I have a 2 year old son that keeps me pretty busy. How about u? do you work?
622 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Shay- dnt let it become obssesive:( aww ur son, im sure u wanna get better for him?
me im a student im 18, study psychology and biology:)
623 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 2:20 pm

That is cool! Yea my son is the main reason that I am trying to get better is for him. so do you still have days that are hard?
624 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 2:25 pm

shay- awww u can do it! just keep eating lots!
erm yeah most of my days are good, i mean today for dinner i had chinese fried rice, roast chicken and chickpea curry! a few month sago i wud never have had that!
but yeah im good usually, ana now and then but i wanna study psychology at uni and help others wth anorexia. i dnt think anyone in the world shud have it. its awful
625 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Yeah I agree with you it is awful!! Ok when you say eat lots, like how much is lots? I really don’t want to overdo it….
626 Aliyah // Oct 2, 2008 at 1:30 pm

Shayy- well anything from 2500 upwards calories. we need a lot of food.
im just watching a programme called 8 year od anorexic, it ssoo sad, i hatehow this disease can affect anyone so young.

stupid stupid voice!
627 Shay // Oct 3, 2008 at 12:23 pm

really that many calories? That sounds like so much!!! I already feel fat and bloated (u sure that goes away?) sorry this is just driving me insane!!!!!
628 Aliyah // Oct 3, 2008 at 1:55 pm

shay- oh yes belive me, the more u eat the better. undernourishment leads to a unhealthy mind. the more we eat the clearer we see, the more we see life. u wnt see fatness, u wnt see such a bloated tummy, anorexia makes everythin seem worse. see today i was thinkin how when i gewt anorexia, i eat and then i feel better, and thats cause my brains had food and can see properly. Besides ur body needs a lot of extra calories to repair all the damage and it works hard to correct it! be good yo ur body, its the only one u have remember
629 Shay // Oct 3, 2008 at 8:15 pm

how much is too much weight to gain? I mean I am almost at the top end of my weight class (and its only been 2 1/2 weeks!!!) thats a LOT of weight in such a short time, will that come off as water weight so I can gain more steadily instead of rapidly?
630 Megan // Oct 3, 2008 at 9:23 pm

Hi everyone!

Sorry I haven’t been on in a while. I’ve just been drenched in school work!! And have had no time 2 get on this . Shay, welcome to the site!! I am also new 2 this 2. I am currently recovering from annorexia. My annorexia all started with my weight loss. Belive it or not, I actually was obesse. I ended up loosing about 100 lbs or more! But than it just got to be an obsession and evantually lead me down the wrong road of annorexia. Exercising, measuring, counting, and weighing myself all became an obsession. Annorexia deffinitly is NOT nice! It damages us both mentally and physically. It tries to make us strive towards perfection even if it means hurting our bodies. If I may ask how did your annorexia start? I hope you are doing well! Keep strong!! We can beat this!! And Aliyah, I hope you are doing well! How are you these days? Hope to talk to you guys soon! xoxo
631 Aliyah // Oct 4, 2008 at 1:57 am

shay- how much r u eating just now? and yes if its only been about 2 and ahalf week, weeks teh water rentention will stop after a while. until ur body is used to food uve gotta stick at it im afraid. but no worries ok! if it helps ive put on more weight , i guess our bodies go thru phases.

megain- hey im great thanks! ive put on more weight, so im gettin close to my ideal weight now! yahh. ive starte duni, so im always busy and stuff. and im going out to dinner tonight:) good chance to try new foods how r u keeping? and yes what u sed is soo right, anorexia damagges our mind and body. it can lead to so many problems, infertility, osteoroporsis and coldness, tiredness. we cant enjoy life with ana, so we must get rid of it!

good luck eveyrone! keep eating (lotss)
x
632 Megan // Oct 4, 2008 at 9:08 am

Aliyah,

Glad 2 hear thet you are doing well! I however haven’t. I had 2 go 2 the doctors this week cause I have been sick with a kidney, and ear infection along with a bad cold and had 2 get weighed. It turned out I lost 6 and a half pounds within a month. Ekk!! I am sitting now @ 124. I honestly don’t know how I lost the weight though becuase I have been eating all my meals, and I am sure what I am eating is enough becuase I feel full after! I also have stopped exercising. Just when I thought my weight had come to steady I loose more. It feels like I am never going 2 get over this. Does any one else have this problem you loose weight for no reason without exercising?? I am just sooo confused!! And now I got this new voice in my head that’s always telling me “no you need to eat that,” or “no that isn’t enough food you just ate eat more of it!” It’s as if I am going from one extreme to the other. :S Does any one else get voices like that? Well, I guess the voices are good cause than maybe I will get over this. I just really hope I can stop loosing weight I have like no control over my body any more.
633 Shay // Oct 4, 2008 at 9:58 am

Thanks for the response! Sorry I am just freaked out abut gaining too much weight I go to my doctor next week and I keep thinking I need to lose weight so I won’t be self consious when I have to weight in with him.
Hey Megan! nice to meet ya! I also have that voice now about needing to eat more, and then the other voice of not eatting it and needing to exercise!!! I feel as if I am going to go crazy when I listen to either one of them!! HELP!!!!!!
634 Sara // Oct 4, 2008 at 10:48 am

hi, Megan!

Don’t be too discouraged, some *temporary* weight loss is normal when you are sick. Part of it is that having a fever or an infection makes your weight drop, and you may also be dehydrated. I had the same thing happen to me–a bad flu last year with a fever that lasted 4 days–and I dropped 6 pounds in a week. Fortunately, I gained it right back over the next two of weeks.

Rest up, eat well, and don’t worry! Just stick to your recovery plan and treat yourself extra well as your body heals.

I’m doing really well the last several weeks and so haven’t had anything to write about. Keep up the good work, everybody!
635 Aliyah // Oct 4, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Megan- aww im so sorry to hear about ur kidney and weight lostt. do not worry abput it, you know u say u have that voice tlling u to eat more , thats just you. thats the real u. ana wud not tell u to eat more and finish off ur food. just like sara sed stick at it, dont lose hope. anorexia means we have like two minds. one part tells us not to eat and the oter tells us too. the one that does is just us, its us fighting ana! just keep eating, dont worry about it

shay good luck with the doc! dont worry just keep eating. stick at it!
i went to a resturant topday and ate a hugeeee main course. it was this cheesy pasta , and the plate was oo big but i ate it all! i culdnt stop once i started. we need food!!!!!
healthy and happy everyone!
x
636 Shay // Oct 4, 2008 at 5:30 pm

Ok does anyone have those days where all you crave is sweet things? its driving me nuts!!! I have a seriously pot belly going here and I feel disgusting! I keep trying to start counting calories again and sneaking in workouts to lose this extra weight that I have put on!
637 Megan // Oct 4, 2008 at 8:53 pm

Hi everyone,

Thanks 4 the support Sara & Alyiha. You guys are great and I don’t know what I would do without u!! I think I have been pretty sick like all month I haven’t been feeling like myself @ all! I sit in class and can’t concentrate cause I get dizzy all of a sudden than I start 2 feel like I am going 2 pass out. Does any 1 ever feel like this?? The doctor said it is probably cause I am just sick. I hope that all it is! And I am gonna try and teach my body 2 NOT loose any more weight. Ppl keep on telling me I look good, and not 2 go any lower cause I am really skinny. And sometimes I can’t even lie on my side because of my hip bones protruding. Shay, I totally get what you mean about craving sweet foods!!! I am the same! I am glad 2 know that someone else is having this problem 2. But I am eating it as soon as I crave it! My bad habbit is I will bake than can’t stop myself!! Uggg. But surprisingly I haven’t been gaining the weight by eating all the sweet foods. Have you?
638 Aliyah // Oct 5, 2008 at 2:16 am

Megan- ur so sweeet. listen, you know u need to put on weight, all u need to do is accept that ur body is gna change and then eat! and enjoy it, have whatever u want, and however much u want.just make sure u r eating a lot of food regulary, makin aur eu have 3 meals and lots of snacks. no diet stff . and also try havin like high calorie drinks like milkshakes just to give u an xtra help.
wishing u all the best!

im havin a little bad ana moment, cause i ate so muc at the dinner last nite, i wok eup and i felt all fat and gross, but ino its just ana. like the stupid thought in my head is ive gained so much weight, but ino i havent. i hate this stupid voice and no way am i gna listen to it. i just had a nice big brekkie cereal bar, banana, yoghurt grapes and coffee.

healthy n happpy !
639 Megan // Oct 5, 2008 at 8:08 am

Alyiha,

Thanks again!! You are so great I honestly don’t know how I would cope with this if I didn’t have u and others on this site because my parents are constantly at me and my doctor is 2. It just makes things worse!! They really don’t understand. But I just guess they are concerend. I have a question though.. is it normal for your weight to flucuate in a short amount of time?? Because one day I will be 124 than the next I will go up like 3 or 4 pounds. Ahh! It’s sooo sooo confusing!! Is this normal?? I just can’t seem 2 regulate! !
640 Aliyah // Oct 5, 2008 at 9:36 am

megan- dont worry my parents still get wary and it bugs me but its because they truely care sooo much and love us, and just want us to get better be lucky u have that love and support megan. and yes its totally normal for w8 to flunctuate! gosh even on a normal person it flunctuates up to 7 pounds a day! it just depends on the food and water and stuff. dnt even worry about it. mines does ino it does, were all on the same boat here!
when u weight urself or ur doc it sud be roughly the same time each time, to get a slighly more accurate reading but dnt worry abou tit like i sed. as long as u dnt weigh urself too much and worry urself over nothing. recovery is not just about weight regain but about feeling good and feeling energetic and alive!

healthyand happy!
641 Shay // Oct 5, 2008 at 10:23 am

Megan, I feel that I have gained weight from it but I am not sure I haven’t been able to weight for like 3 weeks and I am scarred to death of what the scale will say. I still feel bloated and gross!!! I have a question does anyone elses body just feel sore for no reason? not like a after a workout sore, just when you touch it it hurts? is that normal? I went for a run yesterday and everything hurts today…..
642 Aliyah // Oct 5, 2008 at 3:06 pm

shay- hey my body used to get sore , its just cause its soo fragile. and after a workopit ur body will have been strained wayyy too much. you shouldnt do anything streneous really.
and dont worry aboout the number on a scale. scales r for fish! ur worth way more than a number!
643 Shay // Oct 5, 2008 at 6:04 pm

thanks! does anyone do any type of exercises? I did really good today and was counting calories and had only like 300 and then I gave in an had a slice of pizza!!! Now I feel that I have blown the whole day and need to get up extra early and run!!!
644 confused // Oct 6, 2008 at 11:26 am

shay- can i just ask you a question….do you honestly want to get better and be free of this horrible illness? cause if you do you should really be eating more calories and if u do feel you’ve over eaten then you shouldnt be thinking of exercising as the way foward is to be eating and REGAINING !! i think u should try and wean yourself off all the exercising to be honest it’ll be hard but it’ll make u happier and healthier in the long run!
645 Shay // Oct 6, 2008 at 11:29 am

Dear confused, yes part of me wants to be free, but there is a small part that really liked the way that I looked and the way that I felt in control of my life. I am just battling back and forth and I am not really sure which side is winning.
646 Aliyah // Oct 6, 2008 at 11:23 pm

shay- i agree with confused you need to stop exercising and realise u are not fat at all.ive put on about a stone since recoivery, and ino im nt fat yet!
yes ur mind may be split between 2, but uno which one to choose shay. u dont want all the side effcts and danges of ana, and u wanna be a gd positive example for ur son. you need to get over it, u need to accept we regain is going to happen, and that ur body will change. but embrace it! u only have one life!
647 Shay // Oct 7, 2008 at 8:55 pm

ok silly question what is a stone? I weighed in today and have gained nearly 25 lbs in nearly 2 months? is that too much?
648 struggling!!! // Oct 9, 2008 at 4:45 pm

Hi everyone i havent wrote for a while.. the main reason bein that when i logged onto this website the advice i was given really motivated me to want 2 get better. i started eating more not enough as i should but so much more compared 2 my usual. Thn suddenly this week the whole cycle started again i felt fat, restricted, lost w8, felt happy/proud, and now i feel sooo miserable and low because i have no energy. I cant cope with this anymore its draining me and i really cant c a way out, everytime i feel im goin to beat this dam fing it always seems 2 cum rite back and beat me instead!!! i so badly want 2 get better i just don’t no how. Is this normal wen tryin 2 recover?
i’d just like 2 say well done 2 everyone who’s apart of this website u r all so strong, u all are really amazing…keep going and stay strong…well done=-)
xxx
649 Aliyah // Oct 9, 2008 at 11:29 pm

strugling-yeah its completly part of recovery! every sinlge on of us, goes thru good patches, and then bad ones. its just naorexia, trying to make u feel bad and bring u back into ur old ways. what u cannot ever do is restrict, thats going back to ana. ino its so hard and it seems easier to listent o the voice but thats the route to death
eat more, eat well, and everytime ana comes into ur mind, eat! it pisses her off, n u have to show her ur stronger.
not only that, if i go way back in time, my posts used to be just like urs, i used to go thru stages, and i stopped restricting, and realised i can win, cause i voice cannot control us!
just stick at it, be extra strong and eat more!
it mite help after eating sumthing to do sumthing like have a bath, reada book or watcha movie or sumthing to take ur mind off it
xx
650 Shay // Oct 10, 2008 at 9:15 am

Struggling– I have the same feelings as you do, I want to get better and do well for a week or two, then it seems to come back even stronger. I have tried taking the advice from this website and it has really helped (I still struggle with it at times) but it has made it a little easier.
651 struggling!!! // Oct 10, 2008 at 5:15 pm

Aliyah you really do give great advice and make me feelthat u really understand what i am saying which makes me feel so much better thankyou! what you say is also what i try to tell my self, that eventually if i carry on this WILL kill me. for a while this really hits home and makes me change my ways because realisically i do NOT want 2 die even if at times i feel that would be for the best! I feel horrible even saying that coz i no i should appreciate life and the body i have especially as there are so many people out there that have illnesses they are born with etc…and can do nothing about, but i still find this so hard 2 do.
After saying this however i have found 1 thing that’s helping me eat and that is going to uni which i started on monday. That’s because i see this as a fresh start n i don’t want my new friends 2 no me for having anorexia i want them 2 no me for me, plus i cant be BOTHERED with the whole routine of..’oh i ate a big lunch earlier’..lies…lies..lies!!, im fed up with all that! so today i managed 2 go 2 the canteen and have a small jacket potatoe it felt so strange, yet good to be eating out with friends for once, although i couldn’t stop trying to work out how many calories i’d consumed!
shay- thanks for your comment 2, im so glad im not alone, but i think it really is about time we kicked anas arse woo haha!! it isn’t going to be easy but realistically it’s not exactly easy or enjoyable when you feel dizzy or that ur going to faint due to starvation!!…healthy and happy has got 2 be the best feeling ever and we can do it.. we all can stay strong every1 =-)
xxx
652 Megan // Oct 10, 2008 at 9:48 pm

Hi Everyone!
How are you all doing?? I’ve been doing well but this week I have just been feeling like I’ve been eating soo much! I have even sometimes stopped counting calories. But I guess that is a good thing in order 2 recover!! I am trying. I’m just sooo scared 2 read the scale because I feel like I am putting on soo much weight. And 2 make things worse this weekend is thanksgiving. I just feel like I’m gonna end up gaining 5 more pounds because of it all. But I am trying 2 not focus on the weight and the numbers. We are all more than just numbers, and we need 2 eat in order 2 survive. Annorexia restricts us from those things. I’m gonna still try my best 2 eat just like I have been doing hoping I won’t gain a bunch of weight!!
653 Aliyahhhh // Oct 11, 2008 at 2:34 am

struggling- YAHHHHHHHHHH well done on the baled potatoe!! YUM. and yes ur postiive attitude will help so much uno! YOU CAN DO IT, you know u can, prove it to urself. always be true to urself, get urself out of this mess, ino its so hard sumtime, but always make sure no matter hw u feel u always eat lots, it really doe shelp, its taken me ages to realise that!
uni woweee, what u gna study? n yes it does help! i started uni 3 weeks ago, n i like socialising with ppl, n stuff, u can have n ed in unim, it will ruin the experience. use it as a new motivation n new start. start afresh by eating lots, u need to eat a lot to keep up enegy in uni for studying n stuff. but yahh well done!!!
gd luck for starttttingg good times, new start new life withtou ana ok?
healthy n happy
xxx
654 Aliyahhhh // Oct 11, 2008 at 2:39 am

struggling- btw in uni, take stuf with u to snack on like banans, crisps, sweets nuts or watever, its hard to get set times to eat so u shud always have sumting wit u, in case ana strikes u hard.

megan- im good thanks, im eating lots too , though i used to have the same thoughts as u, like if i keep eatinglike this, im gna get so fat n gain tons of weigt, n belive me its false!
ana will prolly make it seem what ur eating more than it actually is. enjoy it, u wnt gain a ton of weigt, tats a proven ana thought! enjoy thanksgiving, u deserve all the treats and ana wants to spoil it for u, dnt let her!!
ana- slow suicide!!
healthy n happy yes?

xxx
655 Megan // Oct 11, 2008 at 8:56 am

Alyiaha,
Thanks again. I honestly don’t know what I would do without u or this site!! I love Thanksgiving and Annorexia is NOT gonna ruin it for me! I have a question.. does any one find that their weight is always the lowest on the weekend (Saturday for me) than goes up again during the week? I know Alyiha said that ur weight is always flucuating. But when will it stop?? Because I am eating , and don’t really exercise like I used 2. And when my weight does go up than I freak out and will restrict again. But when it is low I also freak out. It is just a balancing act!! Grrr!! :@ Does anyone know how 2 maintain weight???
656 Aliyah // Oct 11, 2008 at 10:34 am

megan- ur weight will always flunctuatre, a normal persons does about 5 pounds a day or sumthinh. its all water weight though, its not real weight! and the way to make it maintain more is to not weigh urself to much n eat well, let ur body fully trust u agen, wen it does it will even out . mines did the exact same as urs , it does stop. promise. i bet mines flunctuates a lot during the week, but i dnt weigh myself, it helps to not weigh urself in a way,it means u wnt restrict, n u shuldnt cause it wnt solve anything
hw often do u weigh urself?

xxxxhealthy n hhhhhhhhaaaaaapyyyxxx
657 Megan // Oct 11, 2008 at 9:28 pm

Aliyah,

Well, that’s the thing. I still can’t go a day without getting up and weighing myself. Ahh it is such a bad bad habbit!! I know! And I am trying 2 get over the fact that I AM more than just a number. But the scale is just something that is so tempting and it comes 2 a daily routine as me I can’t live without it. But today I ate a really big dinner @ my grandparents and didn’t even bother with the voice! But when I got home I did 100 sit ups because I felt all awkard and weird thinking about what I did. I also keep on measuring out my food like when I go 2 make a sandwich I will measure the peanut butter and jelly. It is sooo stupid because normal people DO NOT do this! I just really wish that it would go away. But I do know I am much better than I was, which is good! I just have my good days , and my bad. But I guess everyone does right?
658 Aliyah // Oct 12, 2008 at 1:40 am

megan- aww hun, ino how u feel. its so frustrating isnt it. i used to be like that, weighing myself everyday and weighing out food portions. but uno im no tlike that now, no, when i make stuff i put in as much as i want! and i dont weigh myself, and guess what? im not fat! andd food tastes better and i feel more freee!
u shud try limit ur weigh ins, make it once every two days, then 3 then 4 and so on. ull see it gets easier. and about food, dnt make it urself if ur gna restrict or buy stuff like sandwiches made from shops so ana cant make u lessen te portions. megan, please get past this bit, cause life is soo much better without weighin our portions and havin weigh ins everyday!!

im sittin just now, avin pancakes with my cofee. do i feel bad? no, cause im not gna let a voice make me feel bad!
healthyyy n haaaaaapyy
659 Megan // Oct 12, 2008 at 9:32 am

Aliyah,

Wow it sounds like you are doing sooo well with ur Annorexia. Good job!! You are a really patient, and confident person. I am sure it took u such a long time did it? Well, I am not as bad with my food measuring and restricting, like last year was the worst! My parents would get sooo mad @ me 4 measuring out my cereal and other things. It is silly when u think about it really! But I am gonna stay strong and ignore the voices. I don’t want 2 live the rest of my life as an annorexic. I just want 2 feel normal again and get my life back straight. I know I can and I will!! Thanks again for the inspiration u mean so much 2 me. xoxo
660 Aliyah // Oct 12, 2008 at 10:37 am

megan-aww ur so sweet. yeah i mean it took me a while to get to the stage im at. for about half a year i measures out food, and weighed myself all the time. after a while i just got sick it uno. and ur paremts only got mad cause they love u so much
lets face it megan, were all underweight and we need to gain, our weight and lives bak!
keep up ur positive attitude, u will beat it listen to ur body not to ana, cause ana doesnt love u. anorexia is slow suicide always remember.
stay strong!!

xxx
661 Shannon // Oct 12, 2008 at 8:08 pm

Hi everyone!

Wow, it has been along time since I’ve posted! My last post was at the end of May, and since then my life has drastically changed! In the beginning of June I started a partial hospitalization program for my eating disorder. I would go to a clinic everyday during the week from 7am-6pm. I would eat all my meals/snacks there and also have many therapy sessions. In the beginning I was completely hopeless and thought recovery from anorexia was impossible. But I’m here to say it definitely IS possible! I stayed in the fulltime program for 8 weeks. While I was restoring weight I had to eat 4000 calories a day, and do absolutely NO activity (I even had to be dropped off at the door)! After 8 weeks of being in the program I decided to go to half days because I was close to my healthy weight range and I was so much happier, I wanted my life back. Its been exactly 8 weeks since I’ve been out of the program (so a total of 4 months), and I have gained 50 lbs, and the best part about it is, I feel wonderful. I went into the program at 80 lbs, tired, cold, depressed, obsessed with food and exercise, wornout, and apathetic to life in general…and I came out at a healthy 130 lbs, happy, energetic, 20 year old girl. Recovery was definitely hard, and it took awhile for things to “click” and get the ana thoughts out of my head, but I had wonderful support and I was so determined to beat that stupid disease I never gave up. It was a fight, but I won. I am so much happier now and can enjoy life so much more because its not consumed by food. Even though I quit posting on here, I visited everyday and appreciate all the positive messages because they helped to keep me going. Recovery IS possible and we can all beat this because life is so so so so much better without ana! Don’t give up, and you WILL win!
662 Megan // Oct 12, 2008 at 10:55 pm

Aliyah,
Thanks again for the inspiration. I am starting 2 come 2 terms more and more now with annorexia because I notice now that I AM getting 2 skinny and if I keep on following this road I’m on than I’ll come 2 a dead end and there will be no way back agian. I think of annorexia almost like a road we didn’t mean 2 follow. But I am just sooo worried about going bulmic now. Because I am eating in binges. it’s like uncontroled sometimes! And sometimes I will gain weight, sometimes I won’t. But like u said everyones weight flacuates. So I just have 2 remember that. And I still feel cold, off and on even if I do eat. But does anyone else find they eat in binges 2? And I find I always look 4 the sweet foods sooo bad!
663 Megan // Oct 12, 2008 at 11:15 pm

Shannon,

Good job on your recovery girl! Just always remember that annorexia is more less just a voice. And in time, a voice can turn to a whisper and evantually a whisper will dissapear. I am still trying 2 recover. It all takes time. But we just gotta Think positive!!! WE CAN BEAT THIS! best wishes xoxo megan
664 Aliyah // Oct 12, 2008 at 11:33 pm

megan- ”bingeing” is part of recovery, u need a lot of calories. look at shannon, she had 4000 everyday! u only get this urges cause ur bodies been starved for so long, u will not become bulimic, cause when ur body gets to its normal weight it will stop! i used to get them a lot, not so much now, but sumtimes i do the fact ur cold means ur body is still way too undernourished. my coldness went away as i ate more, its a gd feeling megan. stay strong!

shannon- wow!! im sooooooooooooooooooo happy for you! thats wonderful news! well done, im really proud! its soo good, you came out happy and strong, and now u can live ur life without ana!!
if u dont mind me asking, do u still get the voice sumtimes, or is it gone? welll done agen :d thts the best news ive heard in ages

xx
665 Megan // Oct 13, 2008 at 8:57 am

Aliyah,
Thanks again for the encouragement! It is just really confusing 4 me right now because I feel like I am going from one extreme 2 the other. Like I will get this new voice that forces me 2 eat it will be like “eat! eat more! eat! eat! eat!” and sometimes I end up eating sooo much that I either feel sick, or just really full and bloated. That is y I wonder if it is bulima? :S does any 1 else have this problem? As for the weighing myself everyday, I am gonna try 2 maybe go 2 once a week and evantually just down 2 once a month! I hope it works!!
666 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:06 am

megan-yeh please do try weighing urself les, weigin urself every day is not an accurate number belive me!
No bulimia will be wen u purposely eat loads n then throw it up, or taje laxatives. i had bulimia for ages, its horrendous, so please dnt ever let urself get into it. what ur experiencing is normal thru recovery, we have the real us tellin us to eat ( which is the one to listen to) then stinky old ana, who wants us dead!
but just eat eat eat! it solves everything, the more ur body and brain becomes nourished the more clearer u will see, and better u will feel belive me.
i know for a fact, eating food is the best thhing ever, we need to eat loads, dnt wory when u eat too much , ur body needs it sooo much. ur not gna get fat, thats a proven FALSE ana thought. u need to eat more, n ur metablism will get faster.

eating only has benefits, healthy and happy!
p.s. dont u think healthier people look better than sick looking gaunt, anorexics?

xx
667 Megan // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:28 am

Aliyah,
wow u sure have been through allot with ur eating! It is really hard 4 me 2 because I actually believe it or not used 2 be obese. So I guess I have had 2 eating disorders! That is y I am sooo scared that when I start eating again I will go back 2 being the old fat me. But I am beginning and starting 2 come 2 terms with myself that “no it’s not possible 2 gain like 100 pounds back”. My doctors were really happy I lost the weight and I am 2! But a part of me wants 2 keep going and apart of me wants 2 stop and gain the weight I should be at.
668 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:51 am

megan- aww ino, uve been thru a lot too, u deserve a nice normal attitude and relationship with food dont u think!
and ino ana is gna make u think, ur gna get really fat but ur not, ive been recovering for a year and ive put on like a stone or sumthing, its not gna be rapid fast weight i promise.
and ur doc is there to help u keep it controlled, u need to eat a lot o regain ur weight to a healthy level, ten u can eat a normal amount.
i guess we have to learn to love and eat food properly, and not throw ut up, or spit it out, or binge, but for now, we can eat as much as we like, so do it one step at a time.
u r not, n will not be fat! ull be free and healthy and so much happier. ull have energy an du wnt feel cold. youll make ur family n friends happy, and best of all ull truely be happy! the worlds a nicer place without ana!

xx
669 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:54 am

megan- te part of u that wnats to keep going is ana, i had it too, n i still get ana sumtimes, but ino ses rong, and i ALWAYS ignore her, its my body, if i want to eat i will, and i will have whatever and however much i want, its our right! we know our bodies, better than ana, and we know it needs food to function properly
stay strong meg! dt give in to the horrible voice

p.s. im jus gouing to have my dinner now, and i sure as hell am gna eat loads and now let ana get me!

xx
670 Shannon // Oct 13, 2008 at 10:05 am

Hey girls! Thanks for the encouragement and support!

Megan-I know exactly how you feel. I was once obese also so I was so afraid of going back to being fat. But the reality is that it won’t happen. I’ve been eating tons of food and I am now right in the middle of my healthy weight range, and I really like my body. Its nice to have curves and boobs and look like a girl! I know what you mean about binges too. I did, and still sometimes do binge on foods. When I was in treatment they told me that anorexics do that because they have starved their bodies for so long that once they do start eating again, their body gets “greedy” and wants to get as much food as possible in a short amount of time because it doesn’t know how long it will be until you feed it next. The most important thing is to NOT purge or use laxatives after you binge because that will throw your body off even more and it definitely won’t know what you’re doing to it. But since I’ve been eating consistantly my urges to binge have gotten less and less because my body is finally realizing that I’m not going to starve it anymore. So don’t worry about your binges, it’s a completely normal part of recovery.

You also need to quit weighing yourself! Once I quit doing that eating got so much easier because I wasn’t worried about what number would pop up on the scale.

Aliyah-I’m so glad to see that you’re doing so well! Keep up the good work, you are such an encouraging voice! As for your question, I do occasionally still have ana thoughts like when I go shopping and realize that I can no longer wear teeny tiny sizes (that no one should wear anyway), but the thoughts are very rare. I have eaten all of my fear foods and nothing freaks me out anymore.

If you guys have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask! I’m so thankful that I had such good support to recover, now I want to help everyone with an eating disorder because no one should have to suffer through this stupid disease!
671 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 10:25 am

shannon- aww im so glad to hear! wow yeah i bet life is so much better now?
do u eat less now than 4000 cals? do u even think about food alot, or is it just normal, and u dnt think about it?
xx
672 Shay // Oct 13, 2008 at 10:48 am

Shannon congrats on the recovery! That is so awesome and its really good to hear that it is possible to beat this. I have been cleared to go back to exercising again for about a half hour 5 days a week. i was so excited to hear that but now I am starting to feel that the half hour isn’t enough and I need to do more and eat less because it is not as much exercise as I was used to. Any suggestions?
673 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:10 am

shayy- nooo dont do anymore exercise than 30 mins! ur body is still fragile and u cant ever go back, and listen to ana. get over the voice, and get past it

you know u can, losing w8 doesnt solve anything ever, ur beautiful as u are love ur body as it is. dnt force it to be anything else

x
674 Shay // Oct 13, 2008 at 3:56 pm

Is 30 minutes enough? I am so afraid of what people will think if they see my and I have gained weight. I know that I should not care what people think of me, but it really bothers me and now its getting cold and I have to run on the treadmill and it does not seem that it burns enough calories.
675 Shannon // Oct 13, 2008 at 4:39 pm

Aliyah-Since I’ve gotten better I have completely stopped counting calories!! I have no desire to look at labels or weigh/measure anything. I don’t feel the need to know how many calories is in things…I just eat them! Its so amazing!! But I know I don’t eat 4000 calories anymore. I would guess I eat somewhere around 2000-2500 a day to maintain my weight. Somedays I’m sure I eat more than that and somedays I probably eat a little less but I just eat what I want, when I want…no restricting!!!

Shay-30 minutes 5 days a week is plenty of exercise! I’ve been released to exercise also, and my goal is to do 30 minutes 3 times a week. Sometimes I don’t even feel like doing that though, so I don’t. But I know what you mean when you say you feel like you should do more. Its tempting to push yourself once you’re working out to do “just a little more” but we all know that a little more turns into a lot more and everything spirals downhill. When I first started working out again I made sure I had a partner so that I couldn’t overdo things. Its really important to set limits for yourself and stick those limits!

I was also afraid of what people would say to me since I’ve gained weight. But the only things I’ve heard have been positive things. People only tell me how good and healthy I look now. And when I tell people that I’ve gained 50 lbs in the last 4 months, no one believes me! I’ve met a lot of new people in college that didn’t know me when I was really thin, and none of them can believe I’ve gained that much weight because I look “normal/thin” now. The weight you put on doesn’t make people say “oh she’s gained weight!” it just makes you look healthier and more energetic.
676 Shay // Oct 13, 2008 at 5:39 pm

What kind of exercises do you do? I am just really worried about gaining too much weight. I have to weight in at my doctors office on thursday and I am afraid that I will be way too fat and am afraid of what he will say. I have gained like 30 pounds in like 2 and a half months. I know that sounds like I am being an idiot but is that normal? I hate going to group and feeling as if I am a way too big and should not be there around such skinny and pretty girls.
677 Shannon // Oct 13, 2008 at 6:06 pm

Hey Shay! It is completely normal to gain that weight in that amount of time. When I first started recovery the weight gain was pretty slow but then it was like all of the sudden I started gaining and gaining, and at first it did freak me out because I didn’t know when it was going to stop. But it did stop! Don’t be nervous about your doctor appointment, he won’t tell you you’re fat because you’re not! Its all in your head. I know how you feel about going to support group and feeling like the biggest one there…I feel like that sometimes too. But I have to realize that I felt like that when I went into treatment at 80 lbs…I felt like I was the biggest person there and that the other girls would look at me and wonder why I was even there. But now I see that I was really thin and I did need to be there and that those thoughts were just irrational. Its really important you keep good support people around you. I met a lot of new friends at college and I’ve told quite a few of them about my eating disorder, and have even found a few that also had eating disorders. I find that the more people I tell, the better I do. Because once people know they are nothing but supportive and can help to keep an eye on you and give you some words of encouragement when you’re feeling down or silly (like when you think you’re fat). As for exerise, I haven’t gone back to the gym because I think that it would be too easy for me to fall into the overexercising routine again. So when I do exercise I usually go for a bike ride or roller blading, and sometimes I just go for a walk with my mom or a friend…nothing too intense. I do situps also, because as we all know the weight intially goes to the stomach. But really, those ana thoughts are all in your head. Keep fighting to block them out, and they WILL eventually go away
678 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:29 pm

shay- agree with shannon. dont worry about exercise, just do the 30 mins ur allowed andno maore. u dnt wanna reverse all the hard work u done do u! and ino u mite feel fat or whatever but ur not, and dnt compare urself to others, ur body is unique and you shud let it be its natural self!

shannon- wow im so glad to hear that. its really good news, i bet ur so glad u did it!
did u make lots of friends in there?
xx
679 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:32 pm

oh and i just wanted to say that im going thru such a gd patch just now! the tighter my clothes get the happier i feel, i just want to be normal and healthy. even in uni, i look at all the students doing their own things, nt worryin about food. i want to be like that, so its a big motivation
healthy n hhappppy

x
680 Shannon // Oct 14, 2008 at 3:53 am

Aliyah-Yes I’ve made quite a few friends…some better than others! Some of the girls you could tell did not want to be in treatment, or get better and would cut corners all the time (like hiding food in their napkins) or purging/exercising when they went home. But the close friends I’ve made and I get together about once a week and go out to dinner *hehe* together! Its a lot of fun…we don’t even talk about our eating disorders anymore, we’re just normal friends. I agree with you, going to college and seeing everyone be “normal” is such a motivation. The girls are normal and healthy looking and they just go about their lives, not worrying about food. I’m proud of your progress! You’ve come such a long way…keep up the good work!!
681 Megan // Oct 14, 2008 at 1:30 pm

Ailyah,
Thanks again for the encoragement. Well, good news! Last night I had Thanksgiving dinner and I ate loads!! And my daily morning rutine didn’t even happen this morning! It was becoming such an addiction and I knew that I had 2 get over it. I still really want 2 know that number but am telling myself “no!” Tryng 2 stay strong!! Because u r right I am more than just a number. I do feel like I’ve gained weight though. My stomch feels all gross and bloated. But am hoping it is just water weight! I really don’t want 2 know the number on the scale so am trying 2 stay away from it the best way I can!

Shannon,
It’s sooo good 2 know someone else that was also obese. It’s like living in 2 different worlds isn’t it? That’s what started my annorexia , I had a fear of regaining all my weight back so I slowly started 2 starve myself and restrict my food. I remember all last year my friends would laugh at me because all I ever ate were carrotts becasue I thought I wouldn’t get fat and it was a “safe” food. But now I am past that! I am eating sandwichs and not the super diet thin ones, and other great things 2. Some days I struggle but we all do! We have good days, and our bad ones. I know binging is all part of recovery but I have been binging on all sweet foods like baking, and chocolate. It’s so bad! When anyone else binges do they eat sweet foods 2? It seems like I am just always craving sweet things!!
682 Aliyah // Oct 14, 2008 at 1:37 pm

megan- well done!! im soo proud of u!! ur body needs it al, hun ur still very underw8 and need loads of food, dnt feel guilt, cause its ur right to eat! its gna give u energy and life!!

u wnt have gained! dnt worry, and itll be water weight, everyone gains water weight after a big meal!.

and i crave sweet things too, like crisps and choccie, just eat them dnt deprive ur poor body no more !
keep tellin urself ana is slow suicide! ur not alone, keep fightin, be stronger than the voice. im sooooo proud of u!!! well done onur meal, and breaking ur routine!!

keep it up! dnt restrict now cause uhad a big meal, listen to ur body!

xx
683 Shannon // Oct 14, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Megan-Awesome job on eating that meal! You deserve it, we all do! It is completely weird going from obese to anorexic because it seems like all my life I’ve always had the diet mentality since I was overweight and then to get that flip-flopped and being told to eat a lot of food seems totally backwards to me! I was also so afraid to go back to being overweight. It seemed like when I was obese and started losing weight I never really stayed at a “healthy” range very long, I just went from being fat to way too thin, so I had never experienced a healthy, normal body weight before. At first the weight gain was really scary because I didn’t know when it was ever going to stop, but trust me, it does! Intially, my weight got up to about 140 lbs but since I’ve been eating normally (listening to my body), I’ve dropped back down to about 130, which is perfect for my height. Your body will find a weight that it likes and you’ll even off there. Are you having your period? I quit having my period and still haven’t got it back even though I’m at a healthy weight, so that just goes to show that my body still isn’t quite right, and that ana is evil!

Now onto the binges! When I binge its always on sweet things (like chocolate, icecream and candy) or carbs (like bread, pasta and chips). When I was in treatment they told me that we binge on those types of things for 2 reasons.
The first reason is simple, those foods taste the best!!!!
The second reason is that since our bodies have been so starved, it makes us crave calorie-dense (stuff that has a lot of calories in a small amount)foods.
Its just your bodies way of telling you that you need food!!!!!

Dang, sorry I write so much girls! Keep up the good work!
684 confused // Oct 15, 2008 at 7:31 am

hi guys

megan-i too love to binge on home made baking and sweet things, it’s all part of the recovery and we just need to eat the things we are craving to regain the weight we lost so much and to get better and to live a happy healthy life!!

everyone else you are all doing soooo well im so proud and i always love reading all the posts on this site it helps me alot when im having a bad day it makes me realise that the only way out of this horrible mess is just to eat and be happy happy happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

keep on going girls we’re all doing amazing wahoo xxxxxxxx
685 Megan // Oct 15, 2008 at 4:47 pm

Shannon,

Wow we sound sooo much alike!! Lol. It’s really confusing isn’t it? Being told that u are overweight @ one point, than be told that u are underweight. Everyone is so shocked @ how much weight they are, and are trying 2 encorage me 2 stop loosing so much weight and just mainitn it. I am supposed 2 be about 140 and am down 2 124 – 129. I hate how it jumps around so much!! All I really want 2 do is just 2 tone my body because I feel all flabby and fat. Do u have toning problems 2? Unfourantly yes I have lost my period. I haven’t gotten it in months!! Why is that?? I really hope it comes back. And I wish I had boobs 2! Lol. My doctor said that protein like milk apperantly helps with that. I am 18 but look more like I am 14 lol. And it doesnt help how short I am either!! How old are you? And how long have u had annorexia for?
PS.. I don’t mind long writes I write long stuff 2 as u see! lol
686 Shannon // Oct 15, 2008 at 5:57 pm

Hey Megan! We don’t get our periods because we don’t have enough body fat. Women need a certain amount of fat to have their period…when we don’t have enough fat our body knows that there is no way we could have a successful pregnancy, so we no longer have our period to prevent getting pregnant. I know what you mean about feeling flabby! I feel that way too but honestly a lot of it is in our heads. I have been trying to do some light weight training to tone my body rather than cardio (because that will just shed the pounds…which is what we don’t want). Protein is definitely good for building muscle so make sure to get enough of that! And yes, milk is awesome for you! When I was in the eating disorder treatment we had to drink milk at every meal…and I still drink quite a bit of milk at home. Its really good for you so drink up!

I’m 20 years old. What about you? Also, where are you from? I live in Illinois.

Last October is when I began my diet (weight watchers), and I followed that until December and lost a healthy amount of weight. But then at the beginning of January is when I started restricting and joined the gym and would go for hours everyday of the week. I went into treatment in June, so fortunatly I only struggled with my eating disorder for about 6 months!

People told me when I was doing weight watcher’s that I was looking really good and that I didn’t need to lose anymore weight but of course I didn’t listen because I still saw myself as overweight. But anorexia is like a game to see how restrictive you can be, to see how low you can get that number on the scale, to see how hard you can push yourself to workout…but its a very very dangerous game that no one should play! Not weighing myself was such a hard thing to do in the beginning because that was part of my morning ritual, but I am so happy I no longer do that! If it would help you to stay away from the scale ask your parents to hide it….that’s what mine did. Do you have good support? My family is really supportive and so are all my friends…its such a help to have those positive people around!
687 Shadow // Oct 16, 2008 at 7:55 pm

Hey,

I’m 18 and have struggled with anorexia for over 4 years. Just this past year I had briefly gained weight then anorexia quickly took over again. I went of to college for my first year, this past september, and have been seriously struggling with my eating disorder. I am 5′7 and 100lbs.

I am still doing well in school, but i have definately noticed that my body is really messed up. I will eat a maximum of 150 calories a day…so i dont eat at all during the day then might have a piece of toast and jam for dinner. I’m exhausted, frozen, and feeling really ill.

A month and a half ago i noticed that i was starting into a bad relapse and booked myself into an outpatient eating disorder clinic. I just got a call for an appointment, but i am at the point now where i dont even want help. Yea i feel like i was hit by a truck a few times…but i feel so much security in my frailty… I’m so at a loss as to how to do this. Anyone get what I’m saying??
688 Aliyah // Oct 17, 2008 at 2:05 pm

hey welcome to the site!
ino how u feel i have had anorexia and bulimia for 6 years and now im so much better off . im healthier, and happuer more energy and i love life!!
ino how u feel, tired and ill and u just want the voice to go aeway. anorexia is slow suicide, u must start to get help and start getting better. u need to get out of it, ur not alone.. u may feel like u dnt need help, but going to an outpatient is great, just do it. u want ur life bak, where u feel freee and u can eat what u want when u want! tht is ur human right! dnt let a stupid voice hold u bak. not only that anorexia kills, it really does, why wud u want to die? u have no reason to.
does ur family/friends know?in college u need to work hard and focus, anorexia will hold u bak. im in uni now, and ino if i had anorexia as bad i used to i wud not cope at all!! but hey i wanna be successful and have money when im older so i got better. im nearly there, the voice is gettin less the more eat and the more i feel happier, weights comin bak on, and uno what? im not fat! far from it, and ur very very far from it.
start enjoyin food ! its the best thing ever

healthy and happy
x
689 struggling!!! // Oct 17, 2008 at 5:17 pm

hey evry1!!! Aliyah wt u say is so true and everytime u send me a post it really inspires me and makes me even more determind 2 carry on and beat this! i haven’t ate any where near what i should be eating at the most a few small meals in the day like- toast (no butter) sandwhich and things like that but i no that by thinking about what i’m eating means ana is still getting the better of me. what i find hard is when i begin to eat more, more regularly i feel like i am going to put on soo much weight and i think people are staring at me and thinking how much weight i have gained and that’s where the restricting comes in again.
im at uni studying sport development and i nooo i need to be really healthy to do a course like this, yet at the same time it scares me to think about gaining weight coz i hate the thought of being the fat girl doing sport =-s. I totally agree with u tho uni should be something i use to motivate me in my recovery and i reaaallyyy am goin 2 try.
Anyways enough about me lol hows you?? hope ur ok u seem to be doing soooo welll…well done!!! what are you studying at uni? are u enjoying it??
xxxx
690 Megan // Oct 17, 2008 at 8:17 pm

shannon,
Hi again. Well, this week I have been doing pretty good. And I actually haven’t weighed myself @ all! Although it is driving me nuts just 2 see the number on the scale. But I am trying 2 stay strong and keep telling myself “no it’s just a number”. It is EXTREMELY hard 2 go from obesse, to annorexic. I am like u 2 I only suffered annorexia for about 6 months maybe more it is more less on and off 4 me. But I don’t look extremely skinny, I look @ other girls and sometimes compare my bodies 2 them. It is soo bad 2 do! And it is a bad habbit. I was also like you I did the weight watchers diet. I was obsessed!! I only ate their bread and refused 2 eat regular bread. But I am over that! I now eat regular bread and it tastes soo good now!! You are right annorexia is a game we play. We do anything just 2 see how skinny we can get, or how low of a number we can get down 2. It’s crazy. But we HAVE 2 stay strong!! Oh, I am 18 btw and I live in Canada. do you have facebook or MSN by a chance? ttyl bye! xoxo ♥Megan
691 Aliyah // Oct 18, 2008 at 1:03 am

strulling- awww ur sweeet! but really ino how ufeel, i still feel like people r staring at me, and that im gn aget fat if i eat ceertain things.the difference is, i can ignore it and just eat now.it takes time,but u realllllly have to push urself. recovery is a long hard process. the last thing u want is, to be struggling in uni and feeling tired and ill. u need to be fighting fit! specially if ur doing sports. u shud make up a meal plan or sumthing and truely follow it. and add butter! it maks everything taste better!!
as for me im studying psychology with biology. i wanna study the mind and helps others wih eds when im older. idnt wanna make the post too long but struggling really u r not gna get fat, belive me! i always thought that, here i am, a year later nearly in recovery and im not fat! so r u defo not!!!
a healthy body always looks better
692 Aliyah // Oct 18, 2008 at 1:08 am

oh sorry guys i wanna say i got my period back! wellits the first one in ages so my body must be fucntioning right.
and a great tip for recovery, dnt spent it alone., be around people, eat with people. belive me it hels u eat more

megan-well done on not weighin urself, dnt give in. i used to compare my bodies too alll the time, but its so fickle. remmebe rur body is unique and urs, u have ur own distinct shape and size and u shud love it. i like my body now,l more than i did when i was at my lowest! ana is a decietful lyin voice never give in to it

xx
693 Megan // Oct 18, 2008 at 8:13 am

Aliyah,
Wow u r sooo lucky girl 2 finally have ur period back. I still haven’t gotten mine in ages! You must feel like a girl again! Hehe. Sometimes I get bad cramps and think it is comming back but unfourtantly it never does! I know I really have 2 start loving my body and stop obsessing about every little bad thing about myself becuase like they say “Nobodies perfect!” But perfection is an obsession that everyone of us strives 4 unfourantly. You are right eating around ppl helps! I notice that @ lunch when I am with my friends I tend 2 eat more. Same with dinner with my family. And the voices have pretty much stopped 2! But now i get these annoying voices that yell @ me 2 eat more, or eat this or that. It seems as if I am going from not eating 2 eating maybe 2 much?? Do u or anyone else get these voices 2?

question… i know this might be worthless asking but does anyone ever get lightheaded, dizzy, have an inability 2 concentrate, feeling as if ur gonna pass out, or shaky/off balance? I have been feeling like this 4 months now and it hits @ different times of the day and it’s really NOT pleasent. I am eating though so I dont think its that. I am just really worried about what it may be?? :S It could just be stressed because I have hard classes. Idk I just hope it isn’t something like an anxiety attack. I just wondered if these were part of annorexia??
694 Aliyah // Oct 18, 2008 at 10:33 am

megan- i used to feel lightheaded, couldnt concentrate and felt shaky and off balance all the time. its lack of food thats causing it. mines wetn away once i ate ALOT more.
hun theres only one way to get out of thiss mess, u have to regain ur life back, show urself u can get to a healthy stage.
thjat voice u here tellin u to eat more, is you. you truely want to get better . and thats means eating a lot.megan for an anorexic there is no ‘ thats too much food’. u need a hell of a lot of food, cause u have to make up for all thefood u deprived u body.

yeah ino we al strivr for perfection, but the thing is, we dnt need to! we shud just be us, go thru life enjoying it rther than worryin about if we did everything perfect uno. im startin to break free from my perfectionism, and lifes better i assure you.

healthy and happy x
695 Shannon // Oct 18, 2008 at 11:07 am

Megan-Yay! I’m so glad you haven’t weighed yourself! I know its really tough to stay away from the scale in the beginning but it gets easier and pretty soon you won’t have any desire to get on the scale because you know it doesn’t mean anything. I was obsessed with the weight watcher thing too…but just like you, I’m way over that now and so much happier! I do have facebook. You can search for me as “Shannon Reid” let me know if you can’t find me. Sometimes I compare myself to other girls too, but then I just tell myself that I’m my own person. I agree with you guys, it helps so much to eat around other people! When I first started that inpatient program I couldn’t eat by myself but now I do all the time and its no problem! Sometimes I get that voice in my head to eat a lot or eat fattening things but instead of ingnoring it, I just do it, because the more I ignore it the louder it gets. But when I what I’m really craving then it goes away and all is well. You won’t gain too much, I promise! Have you ever had your blood sugar checked? You might want to have that checked out for the shakiness and stuff. Let me know what you find out! Keep up the good work!

Aliyah-Congrats on getting your period back girl! That is WONDERFUL news!! You are treating your body so well and its finally realized you won’t starve it anymore. I’m so happy for you!!! Keep up the good work, you’re such an encouragement!
696 Megan // Oct 18, 2008 at 9:13 pm

Aliyah,
Thanks again. I guess that new voice I hear is just really me comming back again. So I guess that should be good right!? If u don’t mind me asking.. how much do u weigh? Because I weigh 124 and am 5′2 and according 2 my BMI I am in the healthy range but my doctor seems 2 think I should still weigh 14o. So my parents and everone else r constintly @ me 2 eat more. Ugg I hate it sometimes!! But I know I am getting better. For instance today, my family and I went out 2 dinner 2 a buffet and I had 2 big plate fulls of food and enjoyed it all! I’m really shocked at myself and can’t believe it! :O but I guess I deserved it!! If this was me a couple months ago, I would of probably been working up a sweat worrying about how much weight I would of gained. Annorexia is sooo unrealistic! It makes us picture ourselves becoming obesse just over night. When u think about it, annorexia makes urself feel stupid because u think unrealistic things!

Shannon,

Well, I actually felt the need 2 weigh myself today. But the weekend is always a good time 2 weigh myself because 4 some reason I am @ my lightest. But during the week my weight will flucuate. Do u find that 2? But I am promising myself only 1 weigh in a week. Than, evantually hopefully just every few weeks til evantualy a month. Well, I have had my blood sugar checked. I get it done every year or couple of months by the doctors because diabaties runs in my family. But my blood sugars are always normal! So, Idk whats happening. :S I just hope it goes away soon!! Do u get this 2 ever?? And thats great u have facebook! I will have 2 add u soon! ttyl bye!
697 Aliyah // Oct 19, 2008 at 1:32 am

megan- well done on ur buffett!!! wowweee way to go you eh!!!!!listent o ur doctor, im sure he has a valid and profeesional reason
as for my weight, well i dunnt know what it is in poiunds, im not far from my ideal weight thouhg. im rally short, so my ideal weight is not high if uno what i mean.ino ana is soo unrealistic, it gives u such stupid false thoughts and the thing is the are ALWAYS wrong no matter what. r u at uni or anything meg?

shannon- yeh everyones weight flunctuates! its normal, its supposed to. it flunctuates according to food and water, its not real weight so dnt fret!
698 Aliyah // Oct 21, 2008 at 7:38 am

heys guys how is everyone?
im just posting to say how ALIVE i feel. i have a social life again, and i can concentrate at uni! everything in life si going so good now, and its all cause i stoped listenin to ana.
belive me guys, just eat loads of food! ino its the hardest thing ever, but its sooo worth it, just eat well and see all the amazing changes in ur life!!

life is for living not for starving!

xx
699 Tracie // Oct 24, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Hello Everyone,
My name is Tracie,and i am 39 yrs old,and suffer with Anorexia.
I have been in recovery for 4 yrs,but have had it all my life.
Isn’t it amazing what WE see in the mirror.
I wear a size 16 in girls,and it is very hard to gain weight when you go under 100lbs.
I have been Hospitalized 1 time and i refuse to go back or relapse.(Better word useage)

The facility i was in put me on 3800 calories a day.My body would not gain weight because i starved myself for so long.
I am very open and honest with my eating -Disorder.
A great book to buy to help all of you out is (Life without ED).
It will help you when your struggling,but most of all WE can all relate.

If you want to ask me any questions feel free.
I currently weigh maybe 102lbs,but my lowest weight was 93lbs.

It took me 6 weeks in a hospital to gain 9 lbs before they would let me go home.

All i can say is take it one bite at a time.
I am also a vegitarian,cause i am allergic to protein.That certainly does not help.

But i refuse to give up.I have a beautiful daughter ,and a wonderful husband,but now they know what to look for in my sickness.

Take care all of you,and like i said you can ask me anything.

Tracie
700 Megan // Oct 24, 2008 at 9:03 pm

Tracie,
Hi! Welcome 2 the site. I am kinda new on here 2. Lol. I am curenntly recovering from Annorexia. I am 18 yrs old and it all started last year. I was never ever skinny in my life, I was actually obesse. And my annorexia started through my mission 2 loose weight. Well, I lost it but apperantly I lost 2 much. And Annorexia seemed 2 get the best of me. I started measuring out my food, over exercising, and sometimes starving myself even though I felt “stronger” by doing this. I am trying 2 get healthy, and regain my life back without having 2 measure my food and weigh my self constintly, but it’s really hard! We all have our good days and our bad though! But we HAVE 2 stay STRONG!!! Through my annorexia experience I made up a quote that has helped me somewhat here it goes… “Nothing lasts forever, a voice can evantually lead to a whisper, and in time that whisper can dissapear” Everything takes time, but evantually we will see the light! But we need 2 regain our lives back keep staying postitve we are all here 2 support each other and guide us through this dark tunnel we are in!!
701 Tracie // Oct 24, 2008 at 11:08 pm

Hi Meaagn,
Thank u for ur kind words,and the quote is aewsome.I wrote it down just so i don,t 4 get it.
I would have 2 say my Anorexia started when i had my daughter.My biggest weight was 180lbs.
It was something i just could not live with.

I started working all the time just 2 loose weight,and then just eventually cut out food.
I guess in my mind i would take a bite of something,and i thought (I’M GOOD FOR THE ENTIRE DAY).
I remember talking on the phone 2 my mom who lived a couple states away, and trying 2 eat a english muffin.It took me 2 hrs and i never finished it.
Thats probably when i new i needed help.
The Hosp. was not the best ,cause they put US in a mental ward!
I’m sorry,but WE may not eat,but were not crazy……
I remember the Drs. diagnosed me with an RBBB
(Right Bundle Branch Block)in the heart.
Thats when i asked them am i going 2 die?
They told me if i started 2 eat i could correct it.
So i did correct it.YIPPEE!!

I still have 2 be honest i struggle sometimes from day 2 day,and like most of us WE have our good days.
Sometimes i feel i have a split personality.
Or there is a war going on in my head.
Do u ever feel that way?or any of u?

I have never been in a sz 7 or 8 ever.
My biggest size was 16 in womens.
I was shocked when i saw a picture of myself.
That is when i put it up on my fridge,and said (I WILL NEVER LOOK THIS WAY AGAIN).
Boy did i go overboard!
But like u said WE actually felt better.

I never really noticed the weight drop off till my Ribs starting hitting my Hip bones when i bent over.
I do count calories,but i learned that in the Hosp.,and i have not been able 2 stop!
I still sometimes spit my food out before anyone notices in the bathroom,but now my Husband watches me more often.(I guess thats good).

I believe it is something i will always struggle with.I have never had a team of Drs. only at the Hosp.

So my therapy is crying in the shower.Or going almost into a trans to force myself 2 eat.

When i started eating again i started with baby food.Crazy huh!
Like u say WE all have our good days and bad!

Talk 2 me when ever u want ,and feel free 2 use my e-mail.
I believe the best therapy once again is talking about it.

I’m here 4 all of u.
Take care,
Your Friend,
Tracie
702 Tracie // Oct 24, 2008 at 11:15 pm

Hi girls,
Its Tracie again.
Please all of u feel free 2 use my e-mail if u want 2 talk.I am here for all of u.

Remeber (TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME OR IN OUR CASE ONE BITE AT A TIME)

Friends,
Tracie
703 Aliyah // Oct 25, 2008 at 1:44 am

tracie- hi! im so sorry to hear about ur struggles . gahh i hate naorexia. ive had it for about 6years and now, i have to say im the best ive ever been!! most of my days are always good, and its because i eat a lot. that is the cure, when u eat more, ur brain becomes nourishe sand healthy, and besides we all look better with sum curves! thats what wome are supposed to look like.
but honestly, i used to count calories obsessively, now its hardly ever, i just cant be bothered uno, and i say that to myself, when i feel like counting, i go why whats the point just eat it and enjoy it!

a mental ward? anorexia is a mental disorder, it doesnt mean ur crazy, its just because ur mind is not nearly functioning right.
i just got to a point where i eas so thin n weak and i was ruining my life. so now im in university, enjoying being a student, going out and havin fun an di have the concentration to be able to work and study! its great..

LIFE WITHOUT ANA IS SO MUCH BETTER. though im not at my ideal weight yet, i still have a wee bit to go, im close!!tracie keep fighting, dnt give in to the voice, ur not gna get fat, its guranteed! ana is all lies, she tells allof us on this site, and none of us are fat at all!!

u shud write a letter of hate to ana, like just lash out and it mite make u feel better.

be happy!! enjoy food!! its out basic need!

xoxo
704 Megan // Oct 25, 2008 at 9:37 am

Tracie,

Wow I am sooo sooo sorry 2 hear about ur tough struggle with annorexia. My annorexia never got 2 the point where I needed 2 go 2 the hospital. But my doctor would always wonder if I needed some type of therapy. I am proud 2 say that my annorexia is ALLOT better now. But the thing which I dont get is that according 2 my BMI my weight is fine! I am 5′2 and I weigh between 122-128. It flactuates ALL THE TIME!! Which drives me nuts. But, I am slowly started 2 step away from the scale and come 2 terms with myself that I am more than just a number. Because WE ARE MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER! (Alyiah told me that quote and it helps me allot!! I totally know what u mean with the whole 2 different worlds going in ur head. One minute I will eat a bunch of food and feel fat again, than the next annorexia will hit and I feel the need 2 suddenly resist. It’s sooo annoying. But we have 2 stop this! We NEED 2 STAY STRONG. Annorexia is a slow suicide and we need 2 listen carefully 2 our bodies signs like who wants 2 feel cold all the time?? It’s really unhealthy.
Aliyah,
u r really right writing a letter 2 annorexia is a great way 2 get ur feelings out and feel allot better!! I did this when I got diagnosed and it inspired me 2 change and get better. how are you doing anyways?
take care everyone and if u need support just ask 4 my email!
705 Aliyah // Oct 25, 2008 at 9:44 am

megan- hey love!! im doing amazing thanks!!! im going out soon to a gig, so excited i rememver when i had ana realy bad i wud never have the energy for this sorta stuff! but now thats over hehehe. how r u? keep fighting, ur not fat n u wnt be. its a lie ! ana is a slow suicide, everyday u gta fight, but uno its worth it

xx
706 Tracie // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:29 am

Hi Girls,
Thanks for all ur comments.
I remember a class i took @ the Hosp.
,and it helped me.
It was use ur left hand or the hand you do not write with,and write a letter to the little girl inside.
My little girl was starving.This is the letter i wrote to my Little girl(Inner child)
Dear Big Tracie,
Why don’t u feed me?
Big Tracie :I don’t know?
Little Tracie: I am hungry please feed me?
Big Tracie: iam so sorry i don’t mean to starve you.
Little Tracie:I need to grow i am crying inside, and so cold.please help me.
Big Tracie:I am so sorry for doing this too you.Please forgive me.
Little Tracie:I need food or iam going to die
will you please feed me?
Big Tracie:I will feed you.I promise!
Little Tracie :You swear youwill feed me?
Big Tracie :Yes i swear!
Little Tracie:Pinky Promise?
Big Tracie: Yes Sweetheart Pinky promise!!!!!!

This is the letter i refer too everytime i struggle.
Yes it has gotten me through some rough times.
Hopefully I don’t sound nuts to all of u?LOL

I am happy 2 say thi s am i ate breakfast:An Egg,and bisquits 1 1/2 w/gravy.
And about 5 cups of coffee.
I guess u can say i use coffee as a diaretic.(I’m sure i spelt that wrong).LOL
(Breakfast is the hardest meal 4 me 2 eat).

Thanks girls 4 all ur support.Today seems like it is going 2 be a good day.
Just being able 2 talk with all of u seems 2 be helping me out(Head wise).

Take care all of u,
Your Friend ,
Tracie
707 Tracie // Oct 25, 2008 at 6:33 pm

Hi Girls,
Okay guess what i am currently eating a avacado salad,and tomatoe soup w/crackers.
I know it sounds silly to tell u all this,but i find u all very inspirational.

Just thought i would share.LOL

Talk 2 u all soon,
Tracie
708 Megan // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:09 pm

Tracie,
Wow great job on the eating!! Keep up the great work I know u can beat annorexia. And btw what a great letter u wrote! I should show u mine but it is quite sad. :’( I wrote allot of poems and stuff during my struggle with my ED and I also do allot of writing in my spare time.
709 Tracie // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:24 pm

Megan,
Thanks for ur comments,but i cannot lie i find it hard to finish my plate.
Any advice on that one?
I ate majority of it ,but i get sooooooo full.

I actually feel extremely heavy this evening.
My head keeps saying (Damn u ate alot).

I hate that.
I would love 2 hear some of ur letters only if u are comfortable with it?

Take Care,

Tracie
710 Tracie // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:27 pm

Hey Megan,
Its Tracie again.
Would it be a good idea to keep a journal even though i’m not in clinic?

Just a thought.

Tracie
711 Megan // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:49 pm

Tracie,

Hi again! Aw I am sorry that u have such a hard time with eating a full meal. Sometimes I am like that 2. But remember ANNOREXIA IS JUST A VOICE!! It’s really not you! It’s just an evil sister who tried to be apart of you. I always say this because I think of annorexia as another sister but an evil one! Lol. But y dont u try little portions? Don’t take large portions because it will upset your stomach just gradually introduce new foods. I hope that works! I am not the best expert on annorexia becasue I just got it this year… I will deffintily share my writing with you! I have just been sooo busy but I have it somewhere so I will try 2 post it this weekend or next. Btw I am only really on this on the weekends due 2 the amount of school work I get. But I do have a break comming up soon yay!!! Lol. But just keep staying strong Tracie, I know u can do it!
712 Shannon // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:12 pm

Hey girls!!!!!

Tracie-Welcome to the site. I’ve read your posts and it seems like you’re definitely moving in the right direction! Beating anorexia is 110% possible! I think it would be a good idea for you to keep a journal, even if you’re the only one who ever sees it. When I was in inpatient treatment a lot of the girls found it really helpful to keep a journal and write down all their thoughts/feelings. I was one of the more outspoken ones so I didn’t find the journal very helpful (just because I’d rather talk about it), but I know that journaling can be a very positive thing. Something I did do for along time in treatment (and even for awhile after I got out) was write down everything I ate. I did this for a few reasons. The first reason was of course for the nutritionist at the eating disorder clinic. She would review it and make sure I was getting enough calories. But the other thing I wrote was all of my thoughts/feelings at the time about eating whatever I was eating. This was helpful for me because I could go back later and look at my food logs and see that at a time it felt like I was eating a lot, I actaully wasn’t. It made it easier for me to realize that my thoughts were irrational, because at the time when you’re sitting there with a plate full of food its hard to realize. So that’s just something that helped me. Is your family/friends supportive? My friends and family have been wonderful and I know have been a huge help in my recovery. I know what you mean about it being hard to gain weight. My lowest was 82 lbs and it took be ALONG time to get reach 100 (and I was eating 4000 calories a day)! But I’ve reached my target weight now and I feel better than ever. Keep up the good work! You can beat this!!!
713 Shannon // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:16 pm

Megan-How have you been doing girl? Did you ever find me on facebook?! I’m so proud of you and the progress you’ve made. Keep it up!

Aliyah-I’m SO SO SO happy to hear you’re doing well and feeling full of energy! I’m feeling the same way. I’m loving life right now and just enjoying being a normal college kid…not obsessed with food/weight/working out! Life is SOOOOOOO wonderful without ana!! Keep kickin her butt!!

Oh one more thing……..I LOVE HALLOWEEN CANDY!! hehehehe
714 Shannon // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:23 pm

Ok so I lied, I have a few more things I forgot to say! hehe sorry guys!

1. Going back and reading my old posts on this website (from before I went into treatment) really helps me realize how miserable I was when I was stuck in my eating disorder! I am NEVER going back to that!!

2. I saw some of my family members today that I haven’t seen for a few months and they couldn’t stop telling me how good I look. Even my little cousin, who knew I was having some health issues with weight and what not but not the whole extent of my eating disorder, gave me the biggest hug and told me how pretty I looked today. It made me feel really good to see my family not have to worry about me anymore. I really feel like I made them proud, and made myself proud.

Ok this time I’m really done posting for the night…maybe!
715 Megan // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:26 pm

Hi Shannon!

I am doing great thanks and am glad that u are doing well 2. I looked 4 u on facebook but there were many ppl who I found and didn’t know which 1 was u! Lol. :S But if u want u can add me my name is.. Megan Suggitt or just find my email perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com hope we can connect. Hehe. ttyl bye!
716 Shannon // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:30 pm

Hey Megan! I found ya. Yay! How do you like my picture? hahaha
717 Aliyah // Oct 26, 2008 at 2:56 am

hey girls!!

just to all of you, yous are all amazing, and wlel done on every single bite of food! its a step away frm ana!
shannon- stay n the right path dnt ever go bak!
tracie- well done on ur salad , ibet it was ded tasty?! enjoy it ok! u need it
none of uz are fat! im not fat! hell we need to all eat lots of food!

lets be free and enjoy life!

x
718 Tracie // Oct 26, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Hi Girls,
Its Tracie.Thanks for all ur advice ,and i will take it to heart.
As for my family,and friends.I have 3 sisters.
They actually thought i was doing all of this 4 attention.I get prejudged alot off of people.
They usually think i have a DRUG problem.OL

Heck i can’t even swallow pills(Tylenol).
That is why i tend to stay inside.

I have a job interview 2morrow.
I’m scared 2 see what they think when they look at me.Unfortunatly my husband doesn’t understand that part.
I normally end up getting drug tested.(Believe it or not)LOL
It does hurt.Just cause i am small doesn’t mean i am stupid!

Ya know whats funny its more of the religious crowd who judges me.
I’m pretty sure god said”Judge not yet ye be Judged).

Anyways had a good breakfast.
Egg/and fried potatoes w/toast.
With a crap load of coffee.
I just don’t know how to cut out coffee!
I refuse to let ANA get the bet of me,but its really hard when you have a small town pre-judge u.

May i ask where all of u live?
I live in Asotin WA.
Population 1100 people,and majority are children,which is awesome 4 halloween.

You all take care,and i will talk 2 u all later.

Your friend,
Tracie
xoxoxx
xooxox
719 Tracie // Oct 26, 2008 at 12:49 pm

Hey Girls,
Its me again.This is great therapy.Thank u all 4 listening.
I should have went a little further on my friends/family.

As for my sisters i don’t really talk 2 them at least not often.
My Mother-in-law i remember told me after when i had my daughter 10 yrs ago:
That i was getting fat.I wore a sz 16 in womens.
That is when i can truley say it all started 4 me.
As 4 friends i do not keep any just cause i do not trust them.I guess except u guys.LOL

I don’t mean to be a hermit,but its kind of embarrassing when i have 2 wear 2 pairs of jeans 2 stay warm or sweats under them or sweats/and sweatshirts in summertime.

I guess i am alot older than all of u,but i bet WE all look the same.(size wise)Just guessing.

May i ask when it all started 4 u?
What was ur choice of diet?(Starvation,vommitting,or exercise)
If iam getting 2 personel please just tell me.

I know how sensitive WE all can be to certain subjects.LOL

Talk 2 u all soon.
Friends,
Tracie
xoxoxoox
xooxoxox
720 Shannon // Oct 26, 2008 at 12:57 pm

Hey Tracie-I live in Peoria, IL. Its in the central part of the state…pretty boring! It all started for me with dieting. I became really restrictive on the things I would/would not eat and I started working out nonstop. I never purged or used laxatives, which is one thing I am thankful for! I would only eat a certain few things that I thought were “safe.” But now I’m over that and eat any and everything! Its hard for me to trust people too but I have found that the more people I tell about my eating disorder, the more support I get. My friends and family have been really helpful in my recovery but the first step was the hardest part for me. It took me along time to admit and say outloud that I had a problem and that I needed help, but once I spoke those words it all seemed to get easier. I know what you mean about having to wear layers…I am so much happier now that I’m not freezing all the time! I kind of forgot what it felt like to be hot hehe. Does your husband or kids know about your eating disorder? How old are your kids? I’m 20, but when I was in treatment there were a couple of moms in with me that I got really close to. Good job on your breakfast! Take it one meal at a time!
721 Aliyah // Oct 26, 2008 at 1:41 pm

tracie- it all started for me when i was 12years old, i got bulimia, tried to lose weight, got anorexia, recoered myself, but it didnt work, so i got bulimia, agen thenanorexia, then i got close to death an dnow im better!
its really good to talk about everything and get it off ur chest, recovery is about realsing who u really are, the non anorexic:)
the real you! stay strong eat well xx
722 Tracie // Oct 26, 2008 at 3:31 pm

Thanks girls,
My husband is supportive most of the time,and i only have 1 daughter.She is my Angel baby.(even though she’s 10).
I feel bad 4 my husband (Rob& Gabriella)
cause i know he does not have control over what i put in my mouth.He definitly notices when i’ve lost weight,and he will let me know.(sometimes it really P’s me off)But i know he is looking out for me!My daughter is amazing.When i was in hospital they were allowed to come visit when-ever they could,cause i was out of state.
I lived in Nevada,and went to Ca. for recovery.
I remember when they came 2 visit one time,and my daughter said 2 me “Mommy u can have my baby blanket 2 keep u safe at night”.
My heart broke,and from that point on i told myself”you will never relapse again”.

She was so strong,and beautiful.Yet very MAD at me for doing this 2 myself.

I told her she has every right 2 be mad and i let her yell at me ,and tell me how she felt.
I held her and hugged her ,then i had to let her leave with her daddy.We had group that night and all i could do was cry.From then on i new that what i was doing 2 myself was not only affecting me,but my Family as well.

She is my WORLD ,and I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!That alone is enough 4 me to live.
She is spoiled rotten i’m not going 2 lie.
Her bedroom is all in Hannah Montanna with a beautiful canopy of glowing butterflys above her bed.
I guess you could say i live life for my husband,and daughter.If i did not have them honestly i’m not 2 sure where i would be with Ana in my life.

My childhood was not good nor do i remember it,and i don’t think i want 2.

My focus is on the immediate future.

Thanks 4 listening AGAIN!LOL

Tracie
xoxxo
xoxoxoxo
723 Edgar // Oct 27, 2008 at 2:19 pm

Hi – I’m a 17 year old boy and I’ve had anorexia for the past four years. I see and feel the damage I’ve done to myself every day and it’s hard to deal with.
I don’t live at home anymore and I have to pay for my groceries, my money doesn’t go far, but because I buy wholesome, mainly organic food, I must consequently eat less. I have a pact to feed myself healthy foods, if I need to eat, then I will only eat something that can benefit my body.

the downside of this is that I find myself consistently buying little other than fruit, nuts, cereal, yoghurt, bread and dried fruit because the reality is, no matter how much I delude myself, I think I’m afraid of what would happen if i ate normally. I know I still have a problem, my whole family knows and knew but my parents never did anything or got me help, most likely because i’m a boy and they figured it wasn’t so serious. I still don’t understand how I was 90lbs at 5′8 and they still didn’t say anything.
724 Tracie // Oct 27, 2008 at 2:56 pm

Hi Edgar,
my name is Tracie ,and i can totally relate to you.
I am a strict vegitarian.I am allergic to all protien,and can only eat mainly fruits,veggies,and cheese.

May i ask Edgar how much u currently weigh?
Also where u live at?
I have noticed that there is alot of men out there who struggle w/Anorexia.
I think it is great that u are on here with us,and i welcome u.
I am (i think )the oldest on here.39 yrs old and have had Ana for 10 yrs.
I struggle from day to day just to finish a plate of food,but i refuse to let it get the best of me.

Please feel free to talk 2 me whenever u want,and the girls on this site are wonderful w/great advice.
How do u feel about Tortillas?
I make myself eat a egg/cheese burrito almost daily.

Read through my posts,and u will see what can happen 2 ur body when u don’t even realize it.
Do u have anyone u can confide in?
If not u can use me .(vent ,get PO’d,and yell at Ana).
The girls have taught me to talk as much as u can about her.(Ana)

I’m here 4 u.

Tracie
725 Aliyah // Oct 27, 2008 at 4:10 pm

edgar- i feel for you. i know exactly how u feel. ive been there, but uno what, u can get out. ino its so hard to eat other foods, but i did it one step at a time, its scary and yes u feel fat and gross, but after a while u realise, hey im not fat and im not going to get fat!
if you eat well, and eat a variety, ull feel better, ull have more energy and life will b ebetter.
maybe ur family are in denial, or they just dont know how to help, do u think u cud to and see a doctor, who cud help?
uno anorexia is slow suicide, your gna give urself a lot of risks, by not eating well. ur body needs food, that the only body u have, u shud not deprive it.
stay strong, and try to eat as much as u can, try sumthing different, even just a tiny amount. recovery is about discoveringurself, and the real you. dont let anorexia hold u bak.

xx
726 Tracie // Oct 29, 2008 at 7:34 pm

Hey Girls & Edgar,
Just wanted 2 check in with everyone,and see how ur week is going?
Mine is going pretty good.I have eaten all week so that is definitly a good thing.
Edgar i hope u are feeling a little better.I hope u come back 2 talk to us ,and let us know how ur doing.
Girls hows school going?I hope not to much homework.LOL
Do you all have plans for halloween?BOO…
Me i will be trick or treating with my daughter.
We will definitly score some candy!
Chocolate is my favorite..OOOOHHHHH BABY!!!

Talk 2 u all soon.

Tracie
727 Shannon // Oct 29, 2008 at 9:11 pm

Hey guys! Just dropping in to say hi and see how you’re all doing. My week is going really well, school has been keeping me super busy though! I’m so happy that I’ve gotten over my anorexia because I know there’s no way I would have been able to go through school if I were still stuck in my eating disorder! Now I’m healthy and strong and can function properly! I’m going to a Halloween party with some friends. What are you guys’ plans?

On a side note, when I was stuck in my eating disorder I can remember my mom telling me about my cousin’s birthday party that was coming up. For the whole week before the party I restricted big time and worked out nonstop because I was so freaked out about going to the party and having to eat cake/ice cream. Then I tried to think of every excuse possible as to why I couldn’t go. I look back on that and think how silly that was and how obsessed with my weight I was. I let something that should be fun (a little kid’s birthday party) ruin my entire week. How stupid right?! Tomorrow is another cousin’s birthday party and I’m excited about going and seeing my family because I know they’ll all be so proud of me because I’ve been able to kick anorexia’s booty! I’m not at all worried about the cake and ice cream and am actually excited for it! It feels so good to be able to just enjoy life again!

Edgar-I know its a lot tougher on guys because eating disorders are typically thought to be “a girl thing,” but they’re definitely not! I was in treatment with a 17 year old guy, just like you, and he was going through the exact same things all the girls were. Do you have a job or go to school? Also, do you have any roommates or live alone? Its really good and healthy that you eat all the organic stuff and fruits and veggies, but its ok to have other things too. You shouldn’t be worried about having all “good” things, all the time. There are no bad foods. Everything is perfectly acceptable and part of a healthy lifestyle in moderation.

I hope everyone has a good halloween and eats some candy! I know I will! hehehe
728 Edgar // Oct 29, 2008 at 10:27 pm

hey, thanks for your concerns, a little support goes a long way.

i live alone, making it much easier to indulge in my eating disorder i suppose – eating with others is much more enjoyable i’m learning, but it is possible at lunch or if i go out to dinner with friends, which I now do. I try, I walk in to the shop with the intent to buy something substantial and walk out with a bag of seeds and there’s no one around to press me about it. i don’t trust myself entirely to actually take care of my body, i feel my relationship with food has become so mangled and distorted that i can’t tell whats normal and healthy for me at all.

i’ve always been weird with food – i rejected most foods for years after being weaned, I remember having to go to the school kitchen at lunch and asking for bread and butter for years because i didn’t want the cooked food. i’d go through phases of eating the same things, i’ve always always been that way so i don’t know how it can suddenly change for me. I don’t know what to do about any of it, really.

hope you’re all doing well and are taking care.
729 Edgar // Oct 29, 2008 at 10:32 pm

oh, I think I’m around 112 lbs, tracie and i’m about 5′9 these days
730 Tracie // Oct 30, 2008 at 8:44 am

Hi Edgar,
Thats a great start on kicking Eds butt.(Eating Disorder).
Just remember don’t give in to that little voice inside ur head.That is one of my biggest problems.
Also i can relate 2 being alone.Even though iam married and have a 10 yr. old,they go 2 school and work,then i am alone,and that is hard 4 me.
Being that i starve myself it (ED) can really mess with ur head.
I try to think of the eating schedual i was on at the hospital,and i try to stay to that schedual.
Last night i ate a chefs salad 4 dinner it did feel good,but my hardest is breakfast.
I’m getting there.Edgar ya know how u say its easier to eat in front of people or friends!
My thing is i don’t want anyone to see me eat.
I’m getting use to eating in front of my family,but i perfer not to go out 2 eat.I feel as though people are staring at me.(I know sounds stupid)I refuse to relapse,and its not going 2 happen.

Take care,
We are all here 4 u.

Tracie
731 Megan // Oct 30, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Hi everyone!

I know long time no tlk. I have just been soooo busy with school work it’s crazy! And I have had no time @ all 2 get on here any more. But anyways.. how is everyone doing? Eating and staying healthy I hope!! It’s Halloween tmr yay!! Make sure u guys eat candy!! Yummy! I know that I will be! And I am also baking these really kool finger cookies tonight for a party at school tommorow. Any plans guys? Dressing up? I’m being a devil and just handing out candy. It’ll be fun though. Hope u all have a great Happy Halloween!!! xoxo stay strong!!

Edgar,
Welcome 2 our group! it’s a great warm place 2 be. And if u ever want to talk I have MSN, Email, and facebook. Just ask! Ok? Same goes with everyone else! xoxo
732 Tracie // Oct 30, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Hi Megan ,
It s tracie.
Just wondering if i could get ur e-mail just so i can keep in touch.
Have a great time at ur party.

I’m going trick or treating,and scoring some chocolate.
My weakness,but i love it.
Have fun and be safe.

Tracie
733 Megan // Oct 31, 2008 at 10:11 pm

hey everyone!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! hope u all got 2 enjoy some yummy treats well I sure did! And I didn’t let annorexia get in the way of spoiling my halloween! How was everyones night? Hope u had a good time what ever you did! I just wished there were some good halloween movies on or at least the simpsons halloween special… o well maybe this weekend! Lol

Tracie and others,
my email is: perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com
email whenever u like! i also have facebook and MSN but my MSN is a different address i will give it 2 u if u email me.
take care everyone xoxo!!!♥
734 Tracie // Oct 31, 2008 at 10:56 pm

Hi Megan,
Happy Halloween!!!!
My night was awesome,and ANA was not even thought of.
It felt great to go out 2 dinner,and eat a Greek Salad.It felt great,and filling too.LOL
Enjoyed alot of candy,and my daughter loved Trick or treating.
Left at 6:00,and didn’t get home till almost 9:00pm.
It was awesome.
How about everyone else?
Edgar how ya doin?
Girls i hope u all had a great night?I thought of all of u.
Talk to you soon.
Megan thanks for the e-mail,and i already sent u one.

Take care everyone!
Talk to you all very soon…
Tracie
xooxox
xoxoxox

MY GOAL (ANA WILL BE HISTORY)…..
735 Aliyah // Nov 1, 2008 at 4:03 pm

hery guys! happy late haloween!!
what did everyone do?
i went out to my student union and had soo much 2 drink and then the next day (2day) ive ate SO MUCH an di even had a greasy burger and chis for dinner.

no ana!! forget about her, none of us need her in our lives tellin us were fat or worthless or whatever cause were not!! were all ill and to get better we have to get to a healthy weight then we can function properly. its th eonly way!!

xx
736 Tracie // Nov 1, 2008 at 4:48 pm

Hi Aliyah,
I love ur name.So u had a blast awesome.
So did i and still paying for it.LOL
I ate so much,and enjoyed it as well.Yippee.

Don’t forget clocks go back tonight.
Hey question do you mind if i call u Ali for short?
Its ok to say no alright.

Talk to you later.
Bye Girls talk to u all soon,and Edgar i hope u had a great halloween.

Friends,
Tracie
737 Shadow // Nov 1, 2008 at 5:32 pm

Hey,

Thanks Aliyah for the comment. No my family doesnt know about my relapse…and to be honest, im ok with them not knowing. How are things going with everyone?
Well, the reason i am writing is because i am seriously freaking out… In my last post i stated that i dont eat anymore than 150 calories a day…well today i totally messed up. Over the coures of the day i ate about 500 calories…and im scared. I’m scared im going to get fat. I feel so angry and so out of control. I took a few pills for it…but im seriously thinking about my laxatives. I’m sick of all of this!
I went to my assessment at the clinic and the nurse there told me that she was putting me on her “high risk” list. She is urging me to go to an inpatient program in Ottawa because she feels that the program there wont help me. But I’m not that sick :S I’m not severely underweight. She wants me to quit my studies and go :S. I’m scared….seriously scared. I doubt i am going to go to the inpatient care because that would require me to pay back my loan and miss my year and pay back a couple of scholarships And i dont have the money for that :S.

I’m so tired of this….someone help?

Shadow
738 Tracie // Nov 1, 2008 at 6:02 pm

Hi Shadow,
I can totally relate to what u are saying.
I kept Ana from my entire family till they saw me when i visited them,and got off the plane,and passed out cold with my 2 yr old in my arms.
Sweetie i don’t want to scare u ,but ur Dr. or Nurse can 5150 u if u do not go in willingly.

That means they can keep u there under a program where u are on 24 hr watch.
That is exactly what happened 2 me.
I wish i could give u a hug right now.
I did exactly what u did,but did not even eat 150 cals a day.
I know its scary,but honey u have no idea what is going on with ur internal organs.
All i can say is because of Ana i cannot have anymore children,and that kills me.

I went to Sutter Hosp. in Ca.It seemed like for an eternity,but it was for 6 weeks.
Shadow you are worth it.Every bite,smile,and Heart beat.
Please don’t give up.
I’m here for you!!!!

Friends,
Tracie
xoxoox
oxoxox
739 Tracie // Nov 1, 2008 at 6:34 pm

Hey Shadow,
Its Tracie again.I just wanted to say that 500 is a great start.YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
Just take it one step at a time or in our case one bite at a time.
I’m not going to lie its hard,but u need to realize u are worth every bite,and ur not going to get fat.
May i ask how tall u are?Maybe how much u think u weigh?
I am very honest,and i am embarressed about my weight.
I think i weigh on a good day 102-105Lbs,and my problem is 3 digit #’s.
I am 39 yrs old,and i witnessed a 48 yr old in group/Hosp. w/me and she had a feeding tube in her nose. I’ll never forget it cause she was missing her daughters wedding.(that would kill me alone)
I cannot stress to u enough the damage that is being done to ur body.
I don’t make myself purge.I would starve myself,and the problems i now have has ruined my life.
My kidneys are bad,I have PKU(born with it),
Mood swings,Violent outrages(not recently).
Headaches beyond belief,and i take 60 pills to stay alive.
Believe me Sweetie its not worth it.
I am here for u.Talk 2 me when ever about what ever.
I know it gets old,and honestly 2day is probably a good day 4 me,but i struggle way 2 much.
I have not Kicked Anas butt yet,but i will be damned if she taking my life away……

If u have time look up Karen Carpenter on google,and see what happened 2 her.
She fought her whole life withAna,and when she thought she had her Over powered at 115lbs,
it was to late for the damage she already did 2 her body.
Just take some time 2 think okay.
Take care,Friends,
Tracie
xoxoox
oxoxox
PLease realize u are worth it.
740 Megan // Nov 1, 2008 at 11:39 pm

Shadow,

Annorexia is an evil villan that likes 2 take control of our head. It will tell us anything in order 2 get benifits 4 its self yet in the mean time, it is truly killing us! It’s just a voice. And a voice can so eaisly be turned to a whisper, and in time that whisper can dissapear. Everything takes time before it can get better. You have 2 stay strong though!! You can fight this!! We all can! You just need 2 keep yourself motivated constintly. Have you tried writing a letter to annorexia before? I did this and it really helped. It helped me see me and what I was really doing 2 myself. Annorexia just makes us feel cold, sick, irrtable, and misserable. Who wants 2 feel like this 4 the rest of our lives? I know I don’t! Try taking it through little steps at a time. When u eat your dinner lets say, just introduce a little more food than u usually would. Try this 4 over a week I know it is hard but trust me this helped me recover, than at the end of the week you wouldn’t of even gained a pound! This is what I did. Every week I introduced a little more food into my diet and 1, I felt better 2, I realized that by eating the “bad” foods I didn’t gain weight! I still have my bad days and good days but thats ok because NOBODY IS PERFECT!! Have u or any other ppl read the book “nobodys perfect”? It’s a book with eating disorder stories by girls. It helped me 2. But shadow, my doctor 2 wanted 2 send me 2 an eating disorder place so u just have 2 show her that u have the strength 2 get better. Think about ur friends and ur family u would be leaving behind. That is what motivated me 2 stay out of there. I didn’t want 2 leave them! And I was really scared like u 2! So see your friends/family as your mentors. Even ur doctor even though we hate them @ times. They are just trying 2 help us get better because if we don’t it will be 2 late and I’m afraid that once those doors close theres no way in ever comming back. You have your whole life ahead of u. Your young, beautiful, devoted, and strong. I know you and everyone else here can beat this. Your going 2 find yourself. It just takes time. if u want to email, MSN, or facebook just ask ok? I am always here 2 tlk if u need me.

Megan xoxoxo
741 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:54 am

Hi Shadow,
I know exactly how you feel. Over this past summer I started nursing school and was taking 1 summer class. I also had to begin inpatient treatment for my eating disorder. The therapy team obviously wanted me to drop my class and just focus on getting better but my school is really important to me so I was determined to do both, and I did…but it wasn’t easy, and that was only 1 class! I was in treatment all summer and then the team talked with my parents and I and tried to convince me to take a semester off so I could stay in treatment. I knew I didn’t want to do that, so I was SO motivated and determined to do well on my own. But in reality there is never going to be a “good” time to go into treatment. There’s always going to be something else going on in your life and some excuse you can make up as to why you can’t go right now. But you’ve got to realize that if you don’t put your health first then all of your efforts to stay in school and do well won’t even matter because you could wind up seriously damaging your body. It really is important to put yourself first, school can wait, your health cannot. I am so much happier and can do so much better in school this semester since I’ve gotten over my anorexia. I’m so thankful that I did decide to go to treatment because it helped me remember that there is SO much more to life than food and weight! I also forgot what it was like to have a “normal” meal and when I would eat a little more than I had planned I would freak out and think that I was going to gain weight even though I was still eating way too little. What I did when I first started treatment was write down everything I ate and how I felt when I ate it (like if I thought I ate too much, or if I was still hungry after I ate or if I felt fat…whatever), and then I would go back a few days later and read over it and see how silly I was being. I would have had the smallest bit of food to eat and I would write that I felt like such a pig because I ate “so much” when in reality it was hardly nothing. Doing that helped me see that ana was just taking over my head and making me be completely irrational.

Megan-Hey girl! I’m glad you had a good Halloween. I saw your pictures on facebook, you made a smokin hot devil!

Tracie-Yay! I’m glad you enjoyed your Halloween and your candy…I did too! If someone told me 6 months ago that I’d be chowing down on Halloween candy I would have thought they were crazy! But I enjoyed every bit of it, with no ana thoughts at all!

If anyone would like chat I have facebook (search under Shannon Reid) and my email address is shanni0121@yahoo.com

Keep up the good work everyone! We are all worth it!!!!
742 Megan // Nov 2, 2008 at 10:24 am

Shannon,
Hey! Haha thx 4 checking out the pics on facebook. There are lots more! But I have a really slow computer, and dial up and 4 some reason facebook isn’t working today 4 trying 2 add pics. Grr!! Its making me mad!! But you will have 2 check out my grandmas & grandpas house I decorated 4 Halloween. So you had a good Halloween? I hope everyone else did 2! And ate candy! Hehe. How is everyone else doing? Hope all is well!
xoxo
743 Aliyah // Nov 2, 2008 at 11:05 am

tracie- yeh call me ali!!! how u doing?

shadow- YOU WILL NOT GET FAT. ive had that thought fo years and im not fat now, and i wasnt fat then. Our mind blows everything our of propotions! really its true, anorexia is an illness just like depressions or schizophrenia. its an illness of the mind. you need to get past it, which is th ehardest thing ever to do ino.

eating 500 caloires is nothing ur body uses up like 75% of the calories u eat! ur body is getting nothing its gna start eating itself up, u need to eat more .:)
please try
744 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 1:27 pm

Thanks Ali,
How are u doing?
Me good.Megan i don’t own a scale anymore.
When i had one i was on it after every meal.(or in my case bite)
Its hard cause i really do not know what i weigh.
I’m dying to find out though,but none of my family will let me use there scale.

I did however realize something today.If i get mad at someone(usually in my family)I take it out on me.I wont eat and start calling myself names like (i’m not worth it or anything,Why live?).
See Shadow i still struggle,but what u need to do is realize that struggle ,and not let it Ana get the best of u.
I got angry last night when cooking dinner.I didn’t like what Rob said so instead of talking to him i threw out my dinner.(NOT GOOD)
I made up for it this morning,and ate a great breakfast around 11:00 am.
That is my biggest problem.

Over all i had a great halloween,and did eat tons of candy.(all kinds)
My daughter(gabby) had a blast too.

About my scale i guess i go with what clothes i fit into.Currently i can wear 16 in girls up to Size 0 in Jrs.(remember i’m 39 yrs old,and my ideal weight is suppose to be 140lbs).I’m not gonna lie that will never happen.
Maybe 120 tops,and i can’t even get to that.
Its hard Shadow,but u cannot give up.
You have got to eat,and if your having a hard time eating try nutritional drinks.
I remember begging the Nurses at the hospital(can i just drink my food?)That was a NO!
The first week in hospital i cried at breakfast everyday,then i met a young lady 19 yrs old.
She was adorable.She said to me one day”Tracie can i ask u a question?”I said “of Course”.She started crying ,and said “will i ever b able to eat like u do”?(At that time i was eating 3800 calories a day just to gain weight.)
I said to her Crying”Of course you can,but you have to want it,and no you are worth it”.
I’ll never forget her,and Shadow thats what i want to tell u.”YOU ARE WORTH IT,”and we all love u and support u to the very end.

Edgar i hope u are doing good?We miss u and look forward to talking to u real soon.
REMEMBER EVERYONE ONE DAY AT A TIME,ONE BITE AT A TIME….
WE ARE ALL WORTH IT!!!!!

Friends 4- Ever,and Forever Bonded Together,
Tracie
xoxoxo
0×00x0
745 Shay // Nov 2, 2008 at 4:22 pm

Hey its been awhile since I posted on here. I can honestly say that I have tried a lot harder to beat this, but I am not sure its worth it anymore. I have gained weight and look FAT!!! My so called boyfriend told me that he had a “weight class” and that if I went over it he would maybe still talk to me. I hate the way that I look and feel about myself. Life was so much easier to deal with back when i was counting calories!
746 Aliyah // Nov 2, 2008 at 4:36 pm

tracie yeah im goood thanks , ino anorexia can realy get to u, but u cant take it out on food, u need to learn to cope with emotions in a different way caus eu need food. and belive me ur only gna do ur body favour by gettin 2 ur ideal weight, u will never be 100% over anorexia until udo, its a fact. Ur brain wnt function properly until u do, so try to eat well. well done on ur brekkie!! good stuff!

shayy heyy! sorry to hear ur having a ruff time there. YOUR NOT FAT. anorexia tells us all that and its always a lie!! gosh, love life is NOT easier when ur counting calories, that is a sad and pathetic life, u were not put on earth to count calories! try to like urself, tell me what ur fave bits about urself are, and think hard. what assets do u get complimented on?
i bet u look awesome and ana wnt let u realise. fuck her!
747 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 4:59 pm

HI Shay & Ali,
Gosh dosen’t it feel like a split personality?
There’s always a battle going on ,and WE have to kick ANA’S ASS.
Shay sweetie u are never fat.Its amazing what WE see in the mirror,but that is just it WE cannot focus on the mirror.
Sometimes Rob (Hubby) catches me talking 2 myself,but really i’m talking to the controlling BITCH ANA inside my head,and a guy any age will not get that unless they r like US.Edgar for example.
Please don’t give up Shay u r worth every bite,and sweetie ur beautiful.NO MATTER WHAT THAT BITCH SAYS (ANA).
Don’t let her get the best of u.K

I’m here 4 u,and Ali thank u for your support.
Gosh one day it seems easy 2 deal with,and the next u want to give in to that little voice(THE BITCH).
Lets make a pact girls NONE OF US GIVE IN!!!
WE CAN DO THIS ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!

Shay i want u 2 become concieded:IE: YEAH I KNOW I LOOK GOOD SO BITE ME!!!!
Say that everyday in the mirror before u start ur day!!!!,annd i will try DO the same.K

Friends For-Ever,And For-Ever Connected.

Tracie
xoxoxox
xoxoxox

HI MEGAN:
I BET U LOOK HOT TOO!!!!!
SHANNON U TOO BABE.LOL
748 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 5:07 pm

Well said Aliyah!!!

Shay-You need to get rid of your boyfriend asap! He sounds like a douche he shouldn’t care what size you are, he should want to be with you for the person inside. And he should be concerned for your health and want you to be healthy and happy, not way too thin, cold, depressed, tired and emaciated!

Tracie-Hey girl! Aliyah is right, you’ll still have the Ana thoughts/voices until you reach your ideal weight. I was like you, and never thought I would let myself get up to my ideal weight. And the whole time I was gaining I felt fat and disgusting and blah blah blah. But now that I’ve reached my ideal weight I think I look really good and healthy and not fat at all, and I VERY rarely have ana thoughts anymore! So you’ve just got to keep pushing to get to your weight so your brain can function properly. It is a good idea to tell yourself you look good. I did that a lot during treatment. The counselors always gave me a hard time because they thought I was too optimistic and cheerful, but I thought that was much better than being down and sad all the time. I like to say, fake it til you make it. If you tell yourself that you look good and can reinforce those thoughts you’ll really start believing it. Keep it up!

Aliyah-I am so happy for you! You’ve been such great support throughout my whole recovery. The times that I felt like giving up you were there to keep pushing me forward and I’m so much happier today without ana. Its so nice to be able to live my life with school and friends and family and not have to worry or be completely consumed with ana! You’re my hero! hehe
749 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 5:37 pm

Hey Shannon& Ali,
I’m not going 2 lie.I m scared to death of that #.
How do u get rid of what us see in the mirror?
My biggest problem r my legs and thighs.
When i look in the mirror,if my legs/inner thighs touch i feel grosed out.I AM SICK OF FEELING THAT WAY,AND MY NECK I GET SOOOOO AFRAID OF A DOUBLE CHIN.
GOD I KNOW THAT SOUNDS SOOOO LAME!!!!
How can i get those thought or reflections out of my head?
I’m Serious on telling myself u look good keep it going.Is that how i do it?

Any words of encouragement or telling me where to go is fine too.
I’ll take what i can get,and work with it.

Talk 2 u all soon,
Tracie
xoxox
xoxox
750 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 5:40 pm

WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE LIKE ALI,AND SHANNON……..
TEACH ME HOW U DID IT…..

Friends for-ever& for -ever connected,
Tracie
xxoxox
xoxoxxo
751 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 5:55 pm

hey tracie! you can be like aliyah and I, you’ve just got to keep pushing! I felt the exact same way you did when I was gaining weight. I was so scared of the number they wanted me to get to and thought that there was no way, but I’m at it now (actually a few lbs more than that), and I’m completely fine with it. I think I look good now, plus all my friends and family tell me how great I look which helps a lot. When I went into treatment I thought that I looked “good” and I didn’t see myself as being too thin, but now when I look back on pictures of me from that time or think about how I weighed 55 lbs less than I do now, I know I looked disgusting back then. That just makes me see that my body image is distorted. It helped me to take pictures with my friends who I think are a “normal” size. Not fat, not too thin, just normal. Then that way I can see myself next to them and see that I’m no bigger than they are. Maybe you could try that? And you said you can wear a size 16 in girls? Think about that in your head….its not logical! You’re a grown WOMAN, not a little girl. You’re suppose to have curves. Before I went into treatment I was that size too and I was dating a guy (i broke up with him because i was embarassed of my ED), and he always use to tell me how I was way too skinny and blah blah blah. But I saw him the other day and he couldn’t believe how good I looked and even asked if we could start hanging out again. I actually look and feel like a woman again. I’ve got curves and I’ve got my boobs back. hehe. You can get to this point, I promise. You’ve just got to keep pushing yourself. It wasn’t easy, but it was SO SO SO worth it!!!
752 Shay // Nov 2, 2008 at 6:55 pm

I have tried to get rid of him but am afraid that he is the only one that will ever like me. He saw me at my smallest and I am teriffied that no one will like me if I gain weight *and trust me I have) I just started training for a marathon and I feel so gross and disgusting when I run because my things are touching and it is grossing me out!!!!
753 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 7:03 pm

Hey Shannon,
Thank you for the encouragement.
I wish it would just go away.I just got done eating dinner.Tomato soup/crackers (6)
And a veggie taco.
I’m just full.So i should try taking pictures?
K i will do it.I’m not gonna lie i haven’t had a picture done in 4 yrs.Ever since i got out of hospital.I feel as though i do not take them well.
I can see the Skinniness in my face and it groses me out.
At least u can’t see my ribs anymore.
Ya know the only time i feel normal is when my monthly comes cause i bloat,and my friends can’t even notice it,but i can.

Girl you are awesome thank u soooooo much for taking time out to talk,and help me thru this.
Hey did u ever feel as though u were in more control in the hospital?
Thats how i feel.Just cause it goes from day to day when ur out.

My mother-in law actually puts me on meal watch after i eat at her house can u believe that!
I told her i don’t puke so the meal watch does no good.Nor will she let me go to the bathroom during a meal.She found out later i was spitting the food out.
See it seems as though its all i think about especially when i’m full now!
Okay i will get family portraits done for the holidays,and see how i feel.Yes?

Talk to you soon.

Friends for-ever&for ever connected!

Tracie
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
754 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 7:14 pm

Hi Shay,
Its Tracie,i know exactly how u feel.
I cannot stand my thighs touching,and i have to tell myself (IT’S THE BITCH TALKING TO YOU).
As for ur boyfriend There is someone out there for you.Someone who will treat you right ,and love you for who you are.

Think of this would there be another girl you know who would put up with his BULL SHIT!
Hell no!!!You are worth more than that,and another thing he is probably scared,cause he knows u look good HELL GREAT,and that scares the SHIT OUT OF HIM!!!!
And it should.Your Romeo is out there,and its not the ASS ur with.

God Girl i wish i could take my own advice!!!
REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!

FRIENDS FOR-EVER&FOR-EVER CONNECTED.
Tracie
xoxoxox
xoxoxox
755 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 7:47 pm

Shay-There are plenty of guys out there for you! Don’t settle for your jerkoff boyfriend! You can do so much better babe!!!

Tracie-When I was in inpatient I did kind of get into a routine where I was comfortable. It was nice knowing exactly what I’d be doing during the day and having a set schedule on when I was going to eat and what I was going to eat, no arguements or negotiating about it. But then after 8 weeks of inpatient I started doing half days and at first I was scared to death because I didn’t know how I would do on my own, and at first I did struggle but with the help of my friends and family I got through it and now I NEVER want to go back to that place! Its so nice to be able to be spontaneous now and not have to have a set schedule to feel comfortable. Before, if I were going out to eat with my friends/family I would HAVE to know where we were going so I coulld look up the menu online and figure out what the lowest calorie thing I could get would be. But now I don’t care where we go and tell my friends to surprise me, because I know I’ll just get whatever I’m craving! The pictures are definitely a good idea. My aunt and uncle have a pool and over the summer I took a picture with my younger cousin (who is 13 and an average, healthy/fit weight) in our bathing suits by the pool. When my mom asked me I would compare myself to my cousin I said “oh we’re about the same weight” but then when I saw the picture I was MUCH thinner than she was and looked sick. So that just goes to show how distorted our body images are! My cousin and I took pictures throughout the summer with eachother in our bathing suits so I could see the progress I was making with my weight and see that even though I was gaining weight (and felt gross and fat), I was still thinner than my cousin. So if its possible take a picture with a friend that you think looks good, and that way you’ll be able to see that you’re no bigger, and even smaller than she is.

As for your mother in law…it sounds like she’s just concerned about you. Has your family been very involved in your treatment/recovery? That’s one reason I know I’ve done so well. I’ve had the best support from everyone around me. My parents and my older brother have been great, and so has my extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles)…everyone. At first I was embarassed to tell my friends about it but its not like they were clueless, they knew something was going on. But once I told them it felt like such a relief to not have to lie or hide things from them anymore. And they didn’t think badly of me…they have been so supportive and there to help me. At first it was so hard for me to eat alone and my friends would come over and eat with me even if they had already eaten…they were so wonderful! In my treatment center they had a family night, where your family members would come eat dinner with you and all the families would meet and talk with eachother. Then they had a seperate group just for the friends/families of people with eating disorders where they could learn to deal with their loved ones and learn what techniques worked best and what not. My mom and dad found that group to be really helpful. But you really need to have good support. My mom told me that the 2 key factors in getting better are 1. you have to be WILLING and ready and 2. you have to have good/positive support people all around you. Do your friends know about your eating disorder? Do you hang out with them often? Also, do you have a job? Since I’ve started nursing school my mind has been occupied with school and learning and all my new friends and it has taken my thoughts off food and my ana. Do you have any hobbies you really enjoy? Keep fighting. You can do it!!!!

I just got done eating dinner with my family. Its so nice to enjoy meals with them. We had cheeseburgers, french fries, grilled veggies, fruit salad, and ice cream cake for dessert! DELICIOUS!!!
756 Shay // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:13 pm

I know there are other guys out there, but I have gotten to fat for any of them to even look at me. I have reached my ideal weight and even a few pounds over and I hate it!!!! I have started to count calories again and started working out even more. I want to lose at least 30 pounds
757 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:21 pm

Hey Shannon,
Well for starters i don’t have a job.Being that i am PKU i take 60 pills just to stay alive.
It bites big time.My Hubby (Rob)wants me to go on SSI,cause i am not able to work.
At my last job i lost so much weight cause i didn’t eat at all.So he doesn’t think it would be a good idea till i get to a healthier weight.(Normal
Weight)

My family (sisters) are not really supportive,but i don’t really focus on them either.
My little sister is pretty good,but she has her own set of problems.
My mom bless her heart is dealing with my Dads death.Plus she just fell at work and broke her shoulder.So i am looking out for her alot.(even though she lives in CA,and i am in Wa.)
My dad was not a cool dad!!!
There is things i found out about my childhood,that now makes sense on why i don’t remember it at all.
Yea girl i had a rough childhood.
My dad blamed me for my PKU,cuse it cost him extra $.So they (parents )took me off my medcal diet,and now my brain and body has paid for it.

As for friends i am brand new to Asotin,Wa.
My neighbors are very judgemental,and think i am on some kind of drug.LOL

So they don’t talk to me.
My life is my Husband ,and daughter,and calling my mom everyday.
As long as i am eating Rob(hubby) thinks eveything is fine.
I know what u speak of w/family groups at hosp.
My family never came.Only my Hubby,and daughter(Gabriella).

Sometimes alot of the time i feel alone in this world,cause no-one really understands.

Hard to type when ur crying. Sorry!
That is why i do my own therapy just by talking to other girls.(Like U all)

I hope i didn’t depress u…..

Take care,
FRIENDS FOR-EVER&FOR-EVER CONNECTED!!!!!!!!
Tracie
758 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:24 pm

Shay-Do you want to be cold, miserable, tired, and completely obsessed with food and weight?! You must if you want to lose 30 lbs! You have to realize that your body image is messed up and tell yourself you are NOT fat, because you aren’t! Its such a good thing that you’ve reached your ideal weight!! And when I first got to my ideal weight I went a little bit over it, but then my body realized I wasn’t going to starve it anymore and I naturally lost a few lbs and have been staying right at my goal weight without trying/worrying about anything. I eat what I want, when I want and I’m so happy! Guys will look at you! I’m sure they do! Guys don’t want a stick thin girl that has no shape or body! The boyfriend I had when I was anorexic would tell me all the time that he wished I’d gain weight and that I was too skinny. He would also try to get me to eat “bad” food. At the time, I hate when he would say/do those things because I wasn’t ready to get better, and I ultimately broke up with him for it so I could stay miserable and stuck in my eating disorder (bad choice)! Now that I’ve gotten help and have recovered, I see that he was just worried and concerned about me because I wasn’t attractive when I was that skinny. I saw that same guy the other day and he told me how good I looked…and when I told him I had gained 55 lbs he said “no way, you’re still skinny!” even though sometimes I think Oh man, I’ve gained a lot of weight…its weight I NEEDED to gain…just like you! You do not need to lose any weight! Treat your body right. Live your life for YOU and what makes YOU happy, not for some guy, or any guy for that matter! Are you having your period? I still haven’t gotten my period back and I’ve been at my ideal weight for a few months now, so that just goes to show you how much we mess up our bodies! DO NOT GIVE IN TO ANOREXIA! You’ve come so far, don’t turn back now!!! YOU CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN YOU!
759 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:25 pm

Shannon,

PS
DINNER SOUNDED GREAT,AND YUMMY

Tracie
760 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:32 pm

Hey Tracie! I was in treatment with a lady that reminds me a lot of you. Her husband and children were supportive of her, but that was about it. She didn’t have many friends and didn’t really talk with her extended family much because they had some issues of their own. She couldn’t work either and she would spend most of the day sitting at home just “feeding” her eating disorder. Is there a local place you could go there that has a weekly support group? I know the treatment center I was in had a support group for anyone in the community with an eating disorder every Wednesday night…I still go sometimes to show the other girls that recovery is completely possible! Or are you a very religious person? Maybe you could find a church and get involved in a bible study or something like that…it would atleast be something to do. I find that when I just sit at home bored, that’s when I think about my weight or my eating disorder so I try to stay busy so I’m not thinking about it. I’m assuming when you were in treatment you talked aboit your childhood issues? Did you get any of those resolved? I know what you mean when people judge you and think you’re a druggie! I met some new people over the summer and I ended up telling them I had an eating disorder and they were almost relieved to hear that because they said they either thought I had an eating disorder or I was a meth addict. Who wants to look like that? Its not attractive on anyone!! Dinner was wonderful…I’m having some leftover halloween candy now hehehe
761 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:45 pm

Shannon,
U are so sweet!!!
I have looked into a program for out patient.
The closet place is 5 hrs away.
Where i live is in the boon docks.LOL
1100 people,and no support groups at all.
They are all in Seattle Wa.
I am religious in my own way,but the people who have judged me are VERY RELIGIOUS!!!!

Yes they think i am into Meth.Yea ok!
I have not a blemmish on my face,but for some reason that is no enough.

I am thinking about going to my daughters school,and high school just to speak with the Kids there.
1100 people in my town,but 500 are kids.
Crazy huh!

As ror group in Hosp. we touched the subject,and then told earlier on that day we were not allowed to speak about it anymore.Which has completley F’d me up……
I thought that is what group or individual counsling was for,but i was wrong!
So i have never spoken about my childhood,nor
do i remember much.

Enjoy ur Halloween candy.
I actually have a belly ache from eating it all-day.LOL

Talk to you soon.

Tracie
762 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:58 pm

Hey Tracie that is messed up about them telling you not to talk about your childhood in treatment! If you ever need to talk about it I’m here. I think you should get that stuff worked out and that would really help your eating disorder!
763 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 9:22 pm

Hi Shannon.
Thank you for the offer.
I am ashamedof what has happened,and it is very embarrassing for me to talk about.

Maybe if there was away to do it confidential?

Get back to me,and let me know.
Thanks for caring.Not many people do…..

FRIENDS FOR-EVER&FOR-EVER CONNECTED…..

Tracie
764 Shannon // Nov 3, 2008 at 5:39 am

Hey Tracie. You shouldn’t be ashamed or embarassed about what happened! We could talk through email or instant messenger? My email address is shanni0121@yahoo.com and my instant messenger screenname is shanni121. Just let me know! Have a good day!
765 Tracie // Nov 4, 2008 at 4:16 pm

Hi Shannon,
Its Tracie.How ya doing?
Shay ,and u,Megan,and Edgar.How is everyone?

I hope everyone was able to vote today!!!!
As for myself,i did,and i am haning in there.

I guess i’m just a little scatter brained today.
I got a job.YIPPEE!!!Ya know kinda take ur mind off of things.
Anyways i’m looking forward to starting it tomorrow,and at least it will keep me busy.

Take care,
Tracie
766 Megan // Nov 5, 2008 at 9:18 pm

Hey Tracie! (and everyone else!! lol)

How are you all doing? I am good thanks just been sooo busy and tired becasue I am touring colleges for next year with my family. So today I was on the road for 5 hrs! AHH! And have been up since 5. Surprisingly I am not that tired though! It will probably hit me sometime tommorow though.. lol. I am on my reading week so that’s why I am off. So what have u all been up to lately? I hope everyone is well!! Stay healthy and keep fighting!! xoxoxo
767 Tracie // Nov 6, 2008 at 11:56 am

Hi Megan,
Good to hear from u.
Wow u done alot of traveling.
It sounds exhausting.I’m doing ok.My daughter has been sick ,and out of school a couple days,but she’s getting better slowly,and now its my husbands turn.Great.LOL
Whats funny is my diet Vegitarian keeps me pretty healthy with not catching the flu.Knock on wood.LOL

Anyways i keep fighting the fight,and doing what i need to survive.It would just be nice to have support groups in my area.I’ve been in contact with NEDA,but of course there is nothing close to me.It definitly makes you feel like giving up.
I’m real close to that point,but trying to keep the faith!
Anyways good to talk with u.
Take care,
Tracie
768 Aliyah // Nov 6, 2008 at 3:18 pm

hey guys how is everyone?
i must say ive had sum ana today cause i ate soooooooooooooooo much, i cnt stop!!
but oh well, we need to eat lots, im not gna beta myself up about it or restrict cause im soo overthat!!
im going out to dinner 2moro and lunch lifes good when u try new things n go out to eat, its soo much fun!!!

welll take care everyone, beat ana, beat that voice cause uno its a lie!!!!

xx
769 Megan // Nov 6, 2008 at 9:50 pm

Aliyah,

Ahhh I feel the same way as you do!! I am eating soooo much lately its like I cant control it either! And I don’t even count my calories, or restrict. I guess that is a good thing because I am getting healthy now. But Annorexia gave me so much more control. It’s really hard not 2 have that little bit more of control in you life again. I believe that I am pretty much over my ED, but I do sometimes feel like going back but than it’s like ropes pull me back and try 2 get me 2 eat. It’s confusing isn’t it!?? Going from not eating, than 2 just pigging out again! :S I catch myself bingeeating soooo much now. Its crazy! And I am so afraid I will become fat again. But I keep on saying “No thats not possible. Megan you are NOT FAT!!” The other thing that is keeping me motivated from my annorexia is the fact that I am starting college next year and my parents even warned me if I get any skinner than they won’t be sending me off. So I guess this change i s all for the better eh? Hows every 1 else doing? Keep figting !! xoxo
770 Shannon // Nov 6, 2008 at 9:54 pm

hey guys. i’ve been doing okay the past week. i’ve been eating well but i have been feeling self concious in my clothes and today i made the mistake of weighing myself. i don’t know why i did it. it was such a dumb thing to do. i haven’t weighed myself in along time and it was kind of a shock…well not kind of, it was a big shock! i wish now that i wouldn’t have done it but i can’t take it back. i feel kind of like i’m getting out of control but on the opposite end. it feels like i’m having trouble finding the “middle” ground. its like i went from eating way too little to way too much. i’m feeling kind of discouraged and down right now, but i’m going to try to wake up tomorrow with a better attitude. on the bright side, i have a date tomorrow
771 Aliyah // Nov 7, 2008 at 10:16 am

shannon- you have come soooo far, do not let ana ever beat u down agen. ur more than a numver, wake up happy and say to urself, im not a number, cause ur not! ure a lot more than that, and uno it! enjoy ur dat, and have a gd time, bet he would not think for one second, you are fat!

megan- ino how u feel!!! but belive me, when we have ana we arent in control ana is. we cant give her control!! im going out to eat 2nite, and ino im gna end up havin so much, but oh wells. such is life, lifes more important than what we eat! lets just enjoy the food, were lucky to have it. and dont worry u will not get fat!!! when ur hungry eat, listen to ur body, if u feel like eating sumthing have it reward ut body, ino it must be scary, but were all here to help u!

xx
772 Lulu // Nov 7, 2008 at 7:25 pm

Hello everyone. I’m in recovery as well(I am five feet five and my lowest weight was eighty-nine pounds). Initially I did not admit to being anorexic because my weight loss stemmed from depression rather than body image issues. But now that I’m finally gaining weight I feel fat and out of control. I was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med and while it has helped with those issues, the weight gain is tough. Technically I’m still a bit underweight for my height,but I’m gaining so rapidly it’s only a matter of time before I’m overweight! Help!
773 Tracie // Nov 7, 2008 at 10:16 pm

Hi LuLu,and welcome to the recovery site.
My name is Tracie and i am and always will be a recovering anorexic.
My lowest weight has been 93lbs at 35 yrs old.
I have never relapsed,but i definitly have my bad days.The girls,and Edgar are wonderful to
talk to ,and offer some great advice.
I can offer lots of advice,but i need to listen to my own advice as well.
Hang in there u are worth every bite.
WE are not fat WE deserve every bite and worth it.It s all an allusion WE see in the mirror.Remember to make a car run u need gas!
To survive,and have our bodies healthy WE need to eat!
Our health all starts with what we put in our mouths,and if WE put nothing in there like a car WE will break down!

Take care Honey WE are all here for u.
Tracie
oxoxo
xoxoxo
774 Megan // Nov 7, 2008 at 10:49 pm

Lulu,

Welcome 2 the site! We are all here 2 help u and we all know EXACTLY what you are going through hun! My annorexia has never gotten 2 the point where I have gone under 80 or 90 pounds. It has always stayed within the 100 range. But its really difficult because I believe it or not used 2 weigh in at a whopping 245 lbs @ one time! It’s hard not 2 think about how fat I am going 2 get again. I’m always scared and worried about it. But you really have 2 tell yourself that you are soooo soooo much more than just a number Lulu!! And why worry about our weight because its not as if we walk around with a sticker on our foreheads telling us how much we weigh. And when u hear that mean ugly annorexic voice just think.. a voice can eaisly be turned to a whisper and in time that whisper can evantually dissapear. It all takes time. But who wants 2 live the rest of their life cold, sick, and unhealthy?? We are young and all beautiful both inside and out. If you ever want to talk I have email MSN and facebook. Just let me know! Keep fighting Lulu I know u can do it!! xoxoxo
775 Aliyah // Nov 8, 2008 at 3:02 am

Lulu hey welcome!1 what ur doing is amazing!! going thru recovery is hard, for every single person., but belive me its the right thing to do, keep going!! lifes better with food! i had / have anorexia for years and i find recovery hard sum days, but ino that inthe long run, this is what is bets for my body. yes weight gain is hard, but its not even gaining, its REGAIN ur just puttin bak on what u lost! anorexia leads to death, 10% of anorexics die, cause of the damage to their body, its serious, it snot just about weight and food. stay strong and keep eating, ur on the right path and ur a lucky one!!! dnt kill urself!!

xx
776 Lulu // Nov 8, 2008 at 9:27 am

Dear Tracie,Megan, and Aliyah,

Thank you so much for such kind words. I thought I’d read them again now because I’m about to eat and am stressing a little. It means a lot to see you girls in recovery and still having the desire and strength to reach out to another person-one you don’t even know! I hope I can be helpful to you all too. Like you say, we all have good days and bad days. I’m so glad I found this place.
777 Lulu // Nov 8, 2008 at 4:54 pm

Hello again,

Well my breakfast went smoothly but i received some bad news and now my appetite has vanished. I know I won’t eat for the rest of the day.
778 Aliyah // Nov 8, 2008 at 4:58 pm

lulu hey.
aw ino how hard it is to fcus on eating when u have bad news, but try to eat sumthing, it means ur in control:D tel ursef, by not eating, u r not benfiting urself in any way, cuse ur not, i mean ask urself, by not eating,w ha do u really feel? and ull prolly think well i feel in control n better, but how is not eating control? its not, so try to eat sumthing tasty mite make u feel better.
stay strong, dnt damage ur body anymore
x
779 Lulu // Nov 9, 2008 at 8:14 pm

Dear Sweet Girls,

Someone has done something terrible to me and I cannot eat. I cannot even swallow saliva. All I can do is cry and wish I were down to my ana weight because then I’d be closer to death. Ana is my only friend. I have no family. I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad. I can’t do this. Can’t stop crying. I can’t help it…..I need to control myself and it’s the only way. It sounds so cliche but cliches exist for a reason. When you have nothing else, ana is everything.
780 Aliyah // Nov 10, 2008 at 8:57 am

lulu – im so sorry to hear uve been having abad time, but belive me, anorexia is not the way. listenoin to that voice, and being closer to death is not good! u may think ur better of dead but ur not! ur really not.
shit happens, i lost both my granparents ina month, and i turned to ana, and i regretted it cause i nearly lost so much. now i wud never turn to ana. please try to be strong, ur an amazing person and u have so much to give, food is not the enemy, no one is angry at u.
do u want to talkl about what hapened? talking helps alot, so does crying, it lets all ur anger and sadness out. but not eating, doesnt do anything, so please try sumthing… anything…

xx
781 Tracie // Nov 10, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Dearest LULU,
I know exactly what you are talking about.
I too have had something sooooo bad happen to me that i have not told anyone.
I bet when something goes wrong you take it out on you?So do i.Its not a good way to take care of yourself.
Sometimes i cring at food or at something that just triggers my past.
My father passed away last year in sept.07,and honestly it was a part of a relief.ONLY PART!!!!
Sweetie i know its easier to just dwindle away,but you CANNOT LET ANA DO THAT TO YOU!!!!
Lulu, where do you live at?
Can you get into anykind of counsling?
That is exactly what i need to do,but i live in the middle of no-where.IT SUCKS!

Please feel free to use my e-mail if you want to talk quietly.tsykes@cableone.net
WE NEED YOU HERE WITH US!!!!
This group of girls are very special,and lets keep talking.K?

Depend on us/me and i will be there for you.
Take care honey,
Tracie
xoxoxo
xoxoxxo
782 bob // Nov 12, 2008 at 12:08 am

Hi, I know a very very close friend who has anorexia and i wanted to know more about the mental aspect of it? I read a lot about this terrible illness everyday and I admire all of your courage for fighting back.. Just one who wants to understand ..
783 Tracie // Nov 12, 2008 at 5:47 pm

Hi Bob,
First of all let me say its awesome that your taking time out to find out info on Anorexia.Aka ANA.
My name is tracie i am 39 yrs old and suffer with anorexia for about 10 plus years now.
I have been in recovery for 4 almost 5 yrs.
Hospitalized 1 time with no relapses.THANK GOD!
It is a huge mind trip.Almost like a split personality.For myself it has been taking everyting that happens negativaly in my life,and using it on my body.
IE: argument with family wont eat for 3 or so days.
As you can probably tell i starve myself.
I feel for your friend.It is a daily struggle.
Especially if she or he has had a trama in his or her life.
Its like a voice is telling you in your head (You don’t need food or you don’t deserve food,Your not worth it.)
Alot has to do with what WE see in the mirror.
My problem is none of my skin can touch one another.IE:Legs/thighs.I get scared of a double chin,and see that alot in the mirror.
I wear a size 16 in girls ,and on a good day 1 in juniors.
If you want to help your friend get him or her to talk about as much as he or she can.
Also if you read through some of the posts here i did one activity in group one day.Write a letter to the little girl or boy inside you.
It is posted.I ask you to read it.
Please just don’t give up on him or her.
That is what they or ANA wants.She wants to control every move internally.
May i ask if you know how much he or she weighs?
How long he or she has been suffering with it?
Its an illness that kills.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime to talk or any questions.
tsykes@cableone.net
I am here for you.
This is a real disease,and i am here to help.
I am very honest and open,and will answer all questions.

Hang in there,and don’t give up on him or her.

Tracie
784 charlotte // Nov 12, 2008 at 6:49 pm

hi every1!!! i have wrote on here before but i used to be under the name of struggling! i decided to use my real name because i am so desperate to just be ME again. since the last time i wrote ive bin tryin sooo hard to beat this dam thing but when i feel that i am on top of it i just suddenly lose control and here i am again back at suare 1. i tell myself yes u r better ur fine but now when i am in my own mind not(anas mind) i no that i f i was fine i would not be sat here cryin at this time wrapped in a huge coat to stay warm. i just feel so lost and rite now i cant c a way out. Recently i have bin puttin a front on- il eat and pretend im fine then il pretend ive got course work 2 do run off upstairs and purgee!! horrible i no but i cant stop! i hate this but i cant stop i dont no what to do. sorry about the essay but since i last wrote ive bin tryin 2 hold it in for so long and i feel like i need 2 explode. well done to evry1 on here tho each 1 of u are sooo gr8 and sooo strong keep it up =-)
xxxx
785 Charlotte // Nov 12, 2008 at 7:06 pm

hi every1, it has been a long time since i last wrote except i used to be under the name of struggling! i have now decided to use my own name because i am so desperate just to be ME again not this dumb bitch! that takes control of me, i keep tellin myself ‘your fine’ ‘your ok now’ but i no if i truly was i wouldnt be sat here now crying wrapped up in a huge coat just so i can keep warm! recently i have been putting on a huge front especially infront of my dad who keeps saying im to thin…but u c i have bin eatin infront of him but then il run upstairs and say ive got course work to do then yes il purge!!! i hate it yet i cant control what im doin. im so desperate to get better but rite now im on such a low and feel that the best fing for me is to carry on this way bcoz this way is the way which i feel i have the most control and the most power..strangely the most normal! i no its wrong but i cant stop… thin seems like the only way out for me at the moment.
however enuf about me for the moment i am sooo proud of evry1 on here, readin threw all ur posts just makes me so happy because it shows me that it is possible 2 kick anas arse lol well done girls and guys keep it up =-)
xxxx
786 Charlotte // Nov 12, 2008 at 7:10 pm

sori both of these are very similar but i thought 1 didnt send so i wrote another but both are still exactly how i feel still both show how much ana is kickin my arse at the moment! shit i no lol x
787 Tracie // Nov 12, 2008 at 7:53 pm

Hi Charlotte,
First of all u haven’t given up cause ur still comin back.So Kudos for that.
I know what u mean,but listen sweetie u are worth every bite.
I have struggled w/Ana for 10 plus yrs and still struggle,but u cannot give up.
U can do it.I know the relief u feel when u purge,but sweetheart the internal damage is life long.Believe me i know.I’ve had a Right Bundle Branch Block(RBBB),my kidneys are now bad,and i have done sooooooo much damage i cannot even have anymore children.IS THAT WHAT U REALLY WANT!!!!!!!!
Don’t let that Bitch take control over ur life.
Its like having a split personality,and u have to constantly (TELL HER TO GO TO HELL I’M WORTH IT!!!)
I want to ask you to write a letter with ur non writing hand,and write a letter to the little girl inside u.Let her speak,and u will be surprised at what she tells u.In a couple previous posts i let that little girl out to share with all of US on this site.
Please read it,then take a good look in the mirror,and tell ur self what u see.
Remember if a car does not have gas it wont run!
If WE don’t have food WE’ll DIE!!!!!!
Sweetie WE are just like a car,and we need food to survive.
You can do this YOU ARE BETTER THAN ana.
YOU HAVE CONTROL NOT HER!!!!!!

I am here for u feel free to write again.I’m on all the time for added support.
Take care ,and KEEP FIGHTING!!!!!!
Friends for-ever and for -ever connected!!!!!

Love,
Tracie
xoxoxox
xoxoxoxo
788 curious and confused // Nov 12, 2008 at 9:51 pm

Well, I thought I was recovered, but recently not so much. I still find myself mentally calculating how many calories I have eaten and burnt, visiting weight loss forums online, and starting to think that I need to start restricting calories again.

I am a division 1 distance runner. I am 5′6 and weigh about 108 now- I dont keep a scale, but last spring i weighed 101. I am roughly where I want to be weight wise, but find myself terrified of gaining weight. I find that this is completely ridiculous as I run over 50 miles a week, but I cannot help it. The main reason why I started restricting calories was to give myself a feeling of control, to be healthy, and to become faster. The motivation for getting myself out of it was to become stronger and have a healthy immune system for this upcoming cross country season. But now, as we approach the off season and the holidays, I find myself thinking that losing some weight might be a good idea. I saw a nutritionist at the start of the season who told me my caloric intake should be about 2300. This freaked me out because I had assumed that my intake should be well over 2500.
I also had some general questions regarding recovering from anorexia. How long does it take for periods to resume? And I have been having some massive digestive issues- bloating, gas, and diahhrea. Ive heard that this is not uncommon for reovering EDs- how long does that take to fix? and now, only after I have started to eat better has my hair started coming out at a ridiculous rate. It seems that I am pulling handfuls out in the shower- how long does this take to fix?
As I type this I feel so disappointed in what I have done to myself, but strangely, still think that cutting my calories in the future is not a bad idea. I dont know what to do. And it does not really help that both of my roommates are non athletes and may have ED themselves. I feel like the best thing would be a map of somesort- telling me what to eat and when to be healthy
789 Tracie // Nov 12, 2008 at 10:52 pm

My Dearest Curious & Confused,
I feel very bad for you.Realisticly it takes 2 to 4 yrs before your body can recover.
I have been a recovering anorexic for 4 yrs and still struggle.I am 39 yrs old and weigh maybe 105lbs on a good day.
Honey what i can tell you is the damage u may have done is already permanent.The reason i say that is cause i’ve done it to myself.
I had a RBBB in my heart,my kidneys are bad,and i can no longer have children.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!
Please for the love of god don’t.
I have had Ana for over 10 yrs,and it takes alot of determination,and support.
You need food to survive.I live for my family,but i still suffer.I don’t purge i starve myself.
It takes along time to fully recover.I don’t know if u have heard of Karen Carpenter?She thought she beat Ana,but at 115lbs she still already did the damage,and died.
Please google her name,and read her story!
If u want to talk feel free to e-mail me.
tsykes@cableone.net
I am here for u,and i will pray for u to make the right decision!

PS
Get Rogain it will help regrow ur hair.
Trust me it works…..

Friends forever&forever connected,

Tracie
xoxoxo
x0×0x0×0
790 Charlotte // Nov 13, 2008 at 6:02 am

Hi Tracie and evry1,

thank u for ur support, ur so kind and well done u for the strength u have found to kick Anas butt, u should be sooo proud =-)
The thing is i no that everything u r saying is the reality of what we are doing to are bodies if we listen to that evil voice..so why is it that she still seems to win the mental battle between the real me and her! i guess this is something we have all and all struggle with at times, but i do really want to change and i am going to keep on trying coz i no this could kill me and that is definately NOT what i want!
u seem like uve bin through it all with ana and u r such an inspiration-what u have said shows me that no matter how bad it gets it is possible to be the 1 that’s really in control.=-) ive already had a kidney infection which put me in hospital for a few weeks and left me in so much pain physically and mentally,this was a real turning point for me and for a whille i DID change my ways and managed to start regaining my life back. Now however i seem to be back at square 1! the letter writing seems like such a good idea i am definately gonna try this thankyou Tracie.
I am so glad i found this website, the support really is amazing, it shows just what a bit of talking can do for your state of mind.
Hope every1 is ok and staying strong.

love Charlotte XxXxXxXx
xXxXx
X
791 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 7:59 am

Hi Charlotte,
I am so proud of u not giving up.Just take it one day at a time.Just to let u know i’ve had no team of Drs. to support me,and my family are no where near where i live.I just keep telling myself u can do it!And u can.
Even if u go one bite at a time.Unfortunantly i have been through alot.Remembering how it feels to not eat.I’m not going to lie sometimes i miss it,then i think of the Hospital i was in,and its not worth it.
Your mind is a powerful tool!Just choose to do the right thing K!I thought about u last night,and i pray u were able to eat?Yes?
I did tomato soup w/rice,and crackers.
Its not much,but at this time in my life i have a misalligned jaw to where i cannot chew.So i eat mushy foods until i have surgery.
Every little bit of food helps.K
U can do sweetie ur not alone!!!!!

Take care,and talk to you soon!

Friends Forever&Forever Connected,

Tracie
xoxooxox
oxoxoxoox
792 Aliyah // Nov 13, 2008 at 4:23 pm

hey guys how is everyone?
just thought id come on and say i got weighed by my counceller the other day i have gained a pound and a half, and i got my period today the second time ! woopee my body is startin to function properly, and its only cause i eat properly and snack all day.
everyone keep fighting and pushing urselves, though u may feel bad and crap after, the end result is priceless.= LIFE.
anorexia is a lie, and it feeds on an unhealthy mind, th emor eu eat the better u will get belive me its true.
keep going girls!
x
793 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 4:47 pm

Congrats Ali,
I am soooooo proud of u.Getting ur period is definitly great news.Ur body is recovering,and that my love is awesome!!!
As i speak i am eating a fat bowl of popcorn drenched in butter and salt.Dang its good too!!!

Keep up the awesome job.Your doing it!!!!!

Friends ForEver&ForEver Connected,
Tracie
xoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxo
794 bob // Nov 13, 2008 at 5:38 pm

Hi i was just wondering if anyone has tried hypnotherapy at all? I hear they make changes with the root of the problem and the view of food in the subconscious and then the changes begin to become present in a conscious state..
795 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 5:49 pm

Hi Bob,
Its Tracie That is a great question,and ya know i am actually looking into that.
What u do is go to a pain managment Dr. They will refer,and find a Hynotherapyist.
That is exactly what i am doing,and they can make u love to eat,and enjoy food once again.

Or what ever u are wanting it for.

Take Care,
Tracie
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
796 Charlotte // Nov 13, 2008 at 6:45 pm

Hey every1,

Tracie, thankyou so much for all your advice it really is helping me stay strong ,even if im not doing so well at the moment the main thing is you are giving me all the encouragement not to give up and i reaally do thank u for that.
i feel like such a loser at the moment and i feel so weak and disappointed with myself because although i no what i should be doing i just cant seem to keep up a regular HEALTHY routine. today i woke up with a bad frame of mind the ‘bitch’ was in control telling me dont eat u dont want 2 get fat! i did listen 2 her for a while then i fort noo and quickly made a piece of toast (no butter tho) but a suppose somethings better than nothin. yes the guilty thoughts were there but i just sat with my dad and watched tele to keep my mind off it. 2 pieces ive had 2day in total i no i need ALOT more tho, and im just going to take each day as it cums!
do u think it is a gud idea to c a couciller or is support from my family enough? the onli fing being is i have only ever spoke 2 my mum and brother about it but now i tell them im better and avoid speakin 2 them about it. they dont have a full understanding of how i feel and of how extreme this is. i keep wanting to tell my mum but i just cant seem 2 get the words out..i feel embaressed almost like if i let the truth out i wil look weak and be seen as a failure.
damm i dont half woffle lol
how u doing at the moment Tracie, hope ur well? u have come so far and u should be sooo proud were much better than that other evil voice that trys to take over us, but together we will ALL beat this!!! =-) take care

speak soon xxxxx
797 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 7:13 pm

Hi Charlotte,
Ur Right something is better than nothing,and YES i do think a councler would be good 4 u.
The reason i say that is cause u will feel NOT JUDGED!!!She doesn’t know u from a Adam.
I know what u mean when u tell ur Mom I’M DOIN GOOD!!!But u know what sweetie they can still see it…..Even if u think ur hiding!!!!
When i was having ,(and still am) a hard time eating i started off with baby food.I know sounds crazy,but u actually might enjoy it,then progress to something bigger.
Also if it is easier for u to drink try a nutrional drink.That is what i do as well as yogurt drinks,and Fruit smoothies.
Remember its okay 2 take baby steps just keep making an improvment.
Hey Charlotte where r u from?I’m wanting to say
the UK?Or notLOL
I was born in Warrington ,England,and have duel citizenship due to my dad was in the military,and i was born on a Army base!!!
Just a little info on me.
Ya know u can get yogurt butter and its healthier 4 u,and u wont feel guilty.
I am a strict Veggie,and can’t eat protien of any kind.I’m PKU,and it BITES!!!!!
So i eat alot of veggies.Like Avacado salads,cucomber sandwiches,soups,and alot of bread.It s very hard 4 me to gain any weight.
I get threats all the time from my Drs. saying if i go under a certain weight they’ll hospitlize me.
NOT FUN!!!!They put u in a Mental Health Ward with a bunch of fruit cakes…..
That is always keeping puting something in my mouth!!!!!
Don’t give in.Thats what SHE wants u to do.
Be proud of who u are,and its ok to be scared.WE ALL ARE!!!!
That is what makes US real,and staying in recovery.
REMEMBER 1 BITE AT A TIME OR 1 DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!Sometimes it can even feel like 1 minute at a time.Remember i’m here 4 u,and if u have something u want to get off ur chest……
GO FOR IT!!!!!!
FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
xoxoxo
xoxooxox
798 bob // Nov 13, 2008 at 10:15 pm

Hi i was just wondering if anyone has ever tried hypnotherapy? I have heard that it is a treatment for eating disorders. I have heard the therapist gets to the root of the problem and helps to change your feelings about it and how everything started and begins to make changes in the subconscious that eventually become present in the everyday consciousness
799 Megan // Nov 13, 2008 at 10:21 pm

hi Everyone!

And welcome Charlotte! How is everyone doing these days? I hope ok!! Charlotte, just a suggestion.. have u tried writing urself a letter 2 annorexia? Or a poem or something 2 get your feelings off ur mind?? I did that when I first diagnosed and it HELPED ALLOT!! I am at the stage now where I am almost full recovery. I hardly count calories any more and don’t exercise really either. I hate not feeling in control again. I really do! But u know what? I feel healthy! And I think I finally have found myself along this road I have been traveling on. I think there’s a point that we come 2 where we must see the end , or we finally just decide 2 listen 2 our bodies. Charlotte, listen 2 ur body! It gives u little signs telling u that really, it’s dying inside!! Annorexia is a slow suicide our bodies try 2 commit. We need 2 fuel our bodies in order 2 live. We are young and have sooo much going 4 ourselves!! It’s just a stupid voice, and a voice can so eaisly be turned 2 a whisper and in time that whisper can evantually disappear. You just have 2 beieve in urself and let ur body trust YOU again!! I hope this helps? If you ever want 2 tlk I have email, facebook, and MSN!! take care xoxo
800 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 11:13 pm

Hi Megan,
U sound like ur doing great.That is AWESOME!!!,and ur right that little voice inside our heads will eventually go to a whisper,and it will disappear.WE just cannot give up.WE all deserve to eat ,and enjoy it.
As for being young though i may have to differ on that one.LOL
But hey i am young at heart,and always will be.

Take Care Honey.Keep up the great job.

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
xooxo
xoxoxo
801 Megan // Nov 14, 2008 at 9:14 am

Hey Tracie,
Well, the recovery process 4 me just seems soooo fast. And I can’t believe I am doing it all on my own without the help of a docotor. But I am really glad I have u guys for support because my parents just don’t understand AT ALL! Plus, the thing thats motivating me 2 get better is the fact that I am going 2 college next year and I want 2 prove 2 them that I am in fact ready , and am over my annorexia. But I am scared for college because I am worried it may come back again. And lately I am feeling as if I am going from one extreme 2 the other from Annorexia, to a binge eating disorder HELP!!! I can’t stop binging on sweet foods. I hate not feeling in control agian. And my weight is still flacuating up and down I HATE IT!! It will go up like 4 or 5 pounds than back down again. I just wish I would be balanced. And I am starting 2 weigh myself again. I know it’s a bad habbit. I am going 2 try and get out of this…
802 Shannon // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:30 am

Hey Everyone!

Megan-I am so proud of you! Its such an accomplishment that you have been able to beat ana on your own! Use your college as motivation, that has really helped me, because I know if I’m not healthy and strong then there’s no way I can do well in nursing school. And don’t weigh yourself…it’s not worth it! I made the mistake of weighing myself last week and it got me down for a little bit but then I realized that I’m more than a number and why do I even care about that? So don’t go back to weighing yourself, keep fighting! And don’t worry about the feelings of binging, those get less and less the farther along in recovery you get. I use to have those all the time because our bodies are so starved of food, but now that I’ve been doing well for quite awhile I don’t get them nearly as often. They told me in treatment that the reason we binge on things is because our bodies still aren’t sure that we’re going to eat on a regular basis, so when we do put something in our mouths, our brains are thinking “oh I’ve got to get as much as I can, because who knows how long it will be again before she feeds me again.” But once your brain and your body realize you are going to keep fueling it on a regular basis your urges to binge will get less. Don’t worry! Keep up the good work!

Bob-I think its wonderful that you’re trying to understand more about eating disorders for your friend! I haven’t tried hypnotherapy but it would be worth a shot? Has your friend had any treatment or does he/she even admit that they have an eating disorder? I know it was really tough for my friends and family to understand my eating disorder because you just don’t get it unless you’ve gone through it. Is your friend considering the hypnotherapy? It definitely couldn’t hurt!

Aliyah-Congrats on the weight and getting your period back! That is great news. You have been such an inspiration to me throughout all of this. You are so strong and positive, I definitely owe you a big THANK YOU!!!!!

Charolette-I know exactly how you feel. You know what you need to do to get better and healthy but you just can’t get yourself to do it. That’s how I was before I went into treatment. I knew that starving myself and working out so much was wrong, yet I couldn’t force myself to stop that behavior. I think it would be a good idea for you to see a counselor. But I really think that family/friend support is definitely a key thing to getting better. Another thing that was really hard for me was to admit that I couldn’t beat this on my own and that I needed help, because I’ve always been an independent person and able to fix my own problems. But it seemed like once I admitted I had a problem and that I needed help to fix it, things just got easier. It was such a relief to tell that to my mom, because I knew I was on the road to recovery. I think you should tell your family that you’re struggling. They won’t look at you as a failure, I promise! They will look at you as strong, for admitting that you need some help…it takes a big person (no pun intended) to be able to admit when they need help. Your family will do nothing but help you get better. And I bet you’ll feel better knowing that you have other people on your side, fighting with you, to beat Ana.

Tracie-Where is your new job at?

As for me, I’m doing much better. I got over the weight thing pretty quickly and moved on back to my happy, hungry self I’ve mentioned before that I’m in nursing school, so I see a lot of my counselors from the eating disorder program everyday at school. I love to see them so they can see how great I’m doing and how good I look. It really keeps me going to hear them tell me that I look great and that I’m doing well.
Keep up the good work everyone!!!!
803 Tracie // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:37 am

Hi Megan,
first of all congrats on going to college.U will do fine!!!!
Just remember to tell ur self u are better than that little voice inside.
I tend to have the same problem with sweet items too.This is what i do i actually will hide it from myself,and limit the sweet stuff.
Girl i can go to town ,and before i know it i have eaten a whole box of cookies.
I would say try to replace some of ur sweet tooths with fruit.That is exactly what i do ,cause i think then of getting a crap load of cavities.
So i’ll eat strawberries,peaches,and then if i want sugar i will go for toast w/butter(a little),and springle powdered sugar.Plus u don’t feel guilty,and its healthier than regular sugar.
Sweetie u should be VERY PROUD OF UR SELF!!!Ur doing a wonderful job.
Go into college kinda like owning the place.
I know sounds conceded,but when was the last time u flaunted just urself?
U have alot to be proud of ,and ur journey is expanding.Also u may want to talk w/other people @ ur college about ur experiences w/Ana.I know u would be an inspiration to alot if young people out there.

Keep Up The Great Job!!!!!

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
oxoxo
xooxox
804 Tracie // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:57 am

Hi Shannon,
How r u?U sound great!!!!
As for my new job.I did not take it ,cause my daughter needs me to help her with her schooling.We are brand new to our area,and she is having a hard time adjusting,and i just feel that she needs her Mom more than i need a job!
There has been a couple of girls at her school calling her FAT,and it breaks my heart,and i am the type of Mom to go to the school physically and take care of it.
My biggest fear is having her turn out like me!
WOW i didn’t realize how upset i actually am as i cry typing this to u all.
Please Keep her in ur prayers.I see no signs at this time plus i keep close tabs on her.
I just tell her God made us all different,and wouldn’t it be a boring place if we all looked the same!She’s 10 yrs old ,and the love of my life,and very impressionable.I wont allow anyone to talk down about her at all!
I get very involved w/every part of her childhood,and going into tween life.
Do i sound over protective girls?
If u guys have any words of encouragement
4 her please let me know!
This is one of my biggest fears…….

So i wont work.Not until she has graduated from high school,and goes to college.
I am actually going to her school today to speak to her classes about Anorexia,and the affects that name calling can have on someone.(internally).
Anyways Take care Shannon,and Thanks For Asking.

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,

Tracie
xoxoxo
x0xoxoxo
805 Aliyah // Nov 14, 2008 at 3:48 pm

megan- heyy ho wu been?? sounds really good to me!!!! ino how u feel, i mean i dnt relaly count or exercise, and my bodies chancged a lot, but i feel better , healthier, and happieer, and plus ilove food too much to ever give it up!! just to say keep fighting, and stay strong!!!

shannon awww well done!! yeah uve been a great inspiration to me too. i mean u did amazing!! just stay focused and strong too. anorexia can be completely cured!
im studyin psychology at uni and the mind, and it amazes me how powerful it is, anorexia just attacks it

keep going girls
806 Megan // Nov 14, 2008 at 9:53 pm

Tracie,
Thanks for giving me a little more confidence in myself. I think that through my struggle with Annorexia, I have gained more confidence than ever before. It has taught me allot!! So I guess the binging is just normal eh? I just wish it will stop!! Because I am sooo scared that I will gain a whole wack of weight. Before I was exercising it all off, but I don’t do that any more. So its hard!! Aw, I am really really sorry about your daughter. Reading your note reminded me of myself as a kid. I was ALWAYS made fun of and bullied. I was a chubby kid 2. It left scars on me. Some days I would even fake sick just 2 get away from it all. I HATED it! All I can suggest is keep on telling your daughter how everyone is unique and no one is the same. Just try and boost her confidence. And always tell her that it’s the inside that counts! I hope that works. I know EXACTLY what she is going through!! Girls are sooo cruel!! If it gets out of hands you might have 2 take it 2 the princible. I know thats what my parents always did. Or they would phone the kids parents. That usually solved the problem. But girls especially around that age, are going through allot. It’s just stages that’s all. It evantually will stop. Just stay strong!! xo

Aliyah,
I’ve been doing amazing thanks!! I just am over whelmed with how well the recovery is going 4 me. And instead of the stupid voice telling me to stop eating, or to not eat a certain thing it’s telling me now it’s ok to eat and it’s ok to be and feel normal again. I guess it’s good in a way. But I do wish I was more in control again!! Oh wow that’s awesome ur studying psychology!! I am currently taking that in highschool. I find it sooooo interesting 2! And right now I am doing an essay on Bulima. I was going 2 do it on Annorexia but I’ve had enough of that! Lol. hope all is well!! xo
807 Tracie // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:58 pm

Thanks Megan 4 ur kind words for my daughter.
She is my world,and these girls don’t realize what i woud actually do or say.So i went up to the school today,and had a little talk with the entire group.They looked a little scared of me.Probablly cause i told them”I am not from a cheesy little town with a bunch of homey kids!We are from the city ,and her dad,and i know how to handle girls like you .I know where u live ,and u don’t want me coming over 1 night when u least expect it do you ?”
They immediatly appologized to Gabby ,then Gab came home saying “Mom all those girls like me we played all day ,and at lunch time we ate together.”I told her see baby everyone is different,and that is a GOOD THING!!!
I also told the girls about myself,and how i suffer with Ana.They all looked surprised,and i told them “Watch ur words even if ur playing u can really damage someone inside for life”.Then i asked would that be ok to do to one of u girls?
No i don’t think so!!!!

I think i fixed the problem.Plus it is such a small
school 55- 5th graders total in entire school.
So everyone knows everyone,which is real good.

I keep telling Gabby she is soooo beautiful,and kind.We were talking this evening about different kinds of parents ,and how everyone parents differently.I told her some things about my dad,and my little Angel drew me a beautiful
Rose that was crying for you mom,she said.
God she’s sooooo loving,and believe me Megan my childhood sucked,and carried on until the birth of my daughter,and i left 4 good.

Also honey u r in control w/ur eating u know why,cause u see it but u don’t go over board.
Just like me.I may eat a box of cookies,but then i will realize it ,and eat some fruit,and it makes me mentally feel better.

2 nite i had a salad w/cucombers/carrots/onions/avacados w/ranch dressing,and pasta w/marinara sauce.
Don’t forget garlic bread too w/butter.

That has been 1 of my biggest dinners in a long time.Now i have to tell myself to eat 2morrow or
i will feel i have eaten enough 4 all weekend.(Cause of the calories) Still in the back of my head……

Have a great night Megan.Keep fightin’ the fight!!!!

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
oxooxx
xooxoxo
808 Aliyah // Nov 15, 2008 at 2:59 am

megan- aww im sooooo happy for u !!! ino recovery is the best when u ea lots and u feel better. honesntly i can feel my mind functionin properly agen!! its great isnt it?
oo and pyshcology, yeh its reall interesting!
but uno im readina book just now on eating habits and when we have ana we are not in control, cause were listenin to her! when we listen to ourselves and eat what we want, that is TRUE control
keep doing what ur doing!!
2days my first day of a new job, in a clothes shop! im excited, and i have the enegy and lif ein me to do it!!

lifes good

xx
809 Megan // Nov 15, 2008 at 11:16 pm

Tracie,
Aww I am sooo happy 4 ur daughter!! That’s great 2 hear the bullying has stopped. Girls seem 2 be like that especially in public school. Trust me, once your daughter hits highschool, she will most likely never be bullied again because all the immaturity stops. I am so free now from all the bullying!! Girls just evantually grow out of it and mature. So how are you doing? I am doing well thanks. O gosh I am in my baking mood again! AHH! I am baking choc. chip cookies. It seems like I am eating NON-STOP! Expecially on the weekends. Uggg!! HELPP!! I can’t control it!! But I am gonna try and subsitute my sweet tooth like u said, for some fruit maybe? I lovee fruit 2! Especially now that the little oranges are in!! yummy!

Aliyah,
Aww I’m sooooo happy 4 u 2!! :D:D And wow congrats on getting a job!! I still really need a job! Lol. But it is sooo hard for me because I live in a small town. And I don’t have my full drivers liscence yet so once I get that it will give me more oppurtunities. It does feel great 2 not hear the voices any more. Well, I some times do now and again but I try 2 ignore it the best way I can. But just this weekend I feel like it might be coming back again. I can’t stop weighing myself, and I am starting 2 exercise again. YIKES!! I’m also stairing @ my body wayy 2 much in the mirror. Well, I tend 2 everyday. Who can’t? And I look and feel sooo flabby and as if i am getting fat again. With all this eating, I am afraid I will make myself obese again. I know it probably isnt possible but even though I have gained a few pounds I am trying 2 keep my weight maintend hoping that it won’t go any higher!! Anyways, I hope all is well. Ttyl bye xoxo
810 Tracie // Nov 15, 2008 at 11:52 pm

Hi Megan,
Thanks for the comments on my daughter.
What was funny is after school the same group came up to gabby ,and said (Your Mom is so cool to Protect you like that We wish our moms did that).Megan i felt so bad for the girls who said that,and they did not realize i heard what they said.So i said to the girls(I protect all kids who need it,and my daughter is number 1 on that list just like you guys would be.)They didn’t know what to say..So i said Have a great weekend!!!
Ya know it made me a little sad,but i can protect when its needed too.
Now As for food and talking about Chocolate chip cookies.I made a plate of Salsa chips,and avcado w/top ramen&ketchup,then had Sugar cookies,then Sherbert.
I totally feel i over did it.OOOHHH,Then on top of that halloween candy.I actually had to hide the bag from myself.(IS THAT BAD?)

So i think you are doing awesome,and don’t tell ur self different.
REMEMBER WE DESERVE IT!!!!!!
I guess even if i get a belly ache.LOL

Take care Sweetie!!!!!Keep up the great work!!!
YOU ROCK!!!!!

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
xoxox
xoxoxox
811 Aliyah // Nov 16, 2008 at 3:33 am

megan- hey sweety . uno what, i feel like u sumtimes, like all flabby and horrible, ino my bodies changes butuno what, anything we see in the mirror is not a true reflection. iwas talkin to sumone about it last nite, anorexics see a MUCH bigger body than what it truely is. belive me, ur much thinner than u think u are, so dnt give in to that voice and start going bak to weighing and exercising, ur losing control that way.
eating and food is crucial to a healthy mind, when u have a healthy mind, ull begin to see ur body as it truely is, cause sumtimes i look in the mirrow n see a thin person, but sumtimes fat. that tells u that anorexia is still playin with us.
dont let her!!!

xxx
812 Megan // Nov 16, 2008 at 8:26 pm

Tracie,
Ur welcome. I hope your daughter is ok now. Like I said, I wouldn’t be 2 worried about it as girls her age tend 2 bully each other and vice versa. They’ll get over it sometime don’t worry! So how was ur weekend? Omg we got snow here today!! And it was perfect seeing as it was the santa clause parade in Toronto. All weekend long I have just been stuffing my face full of sweet stuff! AHHH!! Last night 4 instance I made choc. chip cookies and ended up eating most of them! I have a habit for baking. As soon as I bake something I just end up eating it! And now my weight I feel is cathing up! My weight keeps on going up. I just can’t control my cravings!! I guess its good that I am eating but it’s not normal eating it’s just like constint bingeeating. I do this late at night on the weekends when my parents r in bed. I just feel like I am going from one extreme to the other!!

Aliyah,
Ur right our mind is always playing tricks on us. Some days I will in fact see a really thin person if I am at my lowest weight and other days when my weight is high I will see myself as being fat and ugly. But than theres the days where I actually love my body and say “wow I am looking really good!” But all this weekend I feel terrible!! I have been baking and eating sooo much!! Do u ever get 2 the point where u eat sooo much when u feel like ur gonna be sick? Well, that’s how much eating i have been doing!! And it’s just constint binge eating even though I am full and feel sick a new voice comes along forcing me 2 eat more and more and more. I don’t know how 2 control it! I don’t want 2 become obese like I was b4 I am sooo afrad thats what my body is trying 2 do. I dont think its possible but I am just afraid.
813 Aliyah // Nov 17, 2008 at 8:48 am

megan- i no wxactly how uf eel, but uno we may think we have ‘fat days’ and days were we feel we look skinny and days we like what we see, but uno, our bodies just the same on all the days its jus our perception that changes. Binge eating is normal in recovery, its cause ur body has been so deprived, it does stop when ur body trusts u agen, so dnt panic about it. you wont become obese , when ur body trusts u agen, it wnt have urges to binge anymore. promise..dnt feel bad cause u ate ok hun. last nite i went out for a meal with my bf, i ate the whole plate, of this rice dish, and it was huge. i felt bad after, but after a while it passed and i ate later on! so honestly, just listen to ur body and feed it ok. and uno 80% of what u eat, gets used for repair and maintence of the body as well as makin it function well, u ower urbody lots of food seeing as we need sooo much repair!!

p.s. dnt weigh urself, ur more than a number!! and also feelings are not facts!
814 Lulu // Nov 17, 2008 at 9:40 am

Hello Everyone,

I’m sorry to have been out of touch. Just to touch on a few of your subjects-Traci, your love for your daughter is inspiring. I can really imagine it because you exhibit so much empathy and care for us here in this forum. And thanks for the info on Rogaine. I didn’t tell you guys but my hair is falling out in clumps. Megan-congrats on college! I’m jealous!

When I last wrote I was upset and had lost my appetite,but soon after it came back with a vengeance and for some reason all I wanted was junk food. Lots of it. I don’t purge(strictly ana) so it’s been pretty upsetting because the weight comes on. I weighed myself at a friend’s house last night and it said 106 but it HAS to be wrong. I must weigh at least 112-I can feel it.

For all you sweettooths and people who are feeling out of control, I know how hard it is. But keep coming here(don’t be like me and disappear for days!) Tracie, Megan and Aliyah have alot of wisdom to share. Just hearing that others crave junk made me feel less like a freak. I’ve managed to get things under control by making sure I treat myself really well when I eat,i.e. eating off of really lovely china as opposed to eating all of the donuts out of the box! Now if I want a donut I put just one on a little china plate and have tea or coffee with it. I also find drinking water with lemon helps. Duh! AND….I’ve adopted a kitten! She’s very scared and was traumatized so I am happy to be able to care for her and it’s therapeutic too!
Take care everyone. I will do yoga today and keep you all in my thoughts during the practice.
Lulu
815 Aliyah // Nov 17, 2008 at 12:01 pm

lulu heyy love! how u been? the fact is ur not fat! and u wnt get fat! u saw that ur weight isnt as high as u think, because of course that isnt gd enuff for ana, but ur more than anumber!! just eat lots and enjoy ur food! u have to have food for energy ive been studyin it in biology, its sooo important, food is not eaten so u get fat, its to make u work internally!! u need it! its good u treat urself, do it all the time i just had a huge dnner, and biscuits after and i got an ana thought, but i dnt care cause it was so tastty and i feel better now!! wooop!
healthy n happpyyy
816 Shay // Nov 17, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Hey girls! Its been awhile since I have posted. I have enjoyed reading your posts and they make so much sense when I am reading them, but after is when I start doubting myself. I have just started dating again after my divorce and I am so afraid that the weight that I gained is way way too much and that I need to start restricting again!! There are days when I feel ok and think that I can go back to what I was doing, but that only seems to last for a few days and then I BINGE!!! Then I hate myself afterwards and start over the next day. I have started training for a marathon and on the days of my really long runs it seems really hard not to eat. I try counting calories but if I go over 450 then I freak out and think that I have screwed the day up and its driving me crazy!!! I have gained back a ton of weight (I weighed in at my sisters) and I feel disgusting but eveyone is telling me that I look great. I hear them say it but I think they are saying that just because they don’t want to hurt my feelings saying “holy cow look how much weight you have gained!!!” HELP!!!!!!!!!
817 Aliyah // Nov 17, 2008 at 1:15 pm

shayy- 450 calories is noooooooothing! thats sooo little u need alot more than that!!!its really good ur bak to dating, doing normal things and guys pprefer anice normal girls with sum skin on them! not stick thin ill ones that wnt eat anything!!no one is thinkin u look fat, everyone is happy u are gaining and being the real you!!
enjoy it an enjoy food, and if ur trainin then u need ALOT of food!!

xx
818 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Hi Girls,
LuLu How ya doin?Remember sweetie put on about 4-5lbs if ur wearing clothes,and shoes.
But it doesn’t matter that is a great weight.
U girls are such an inspiration.it sweird i feel i connect more with ya’ll then my own age.
They just seem so old .LOL,and i,m not.At least inside i feel that way.
U guys enjoy ur food.Remember WE ARE WORTH EVERY BITE!!!!!
WE CAN DO IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!
We are all worth it,and and Ana is in the gonna be LONG GONE!!!!

Keep it goin’ girls!!!!!
WE ROCK ,AND LOVE FOOD!!!!!

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
819 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Hi Shay,
Sweetie first of all all the running u do u are burning off all the calories u have eaten .That is why u are hungry.You shouldn’t be worried on weight gain when ur running as much as u are.
If u don’t keep ur appetite up ur looking at passing out while running,and u don’t want that.

As for ur family commenting on ur weight gain.
Mine does the same thing,and i’m not gonna lie it pisses me off.
Sometimes i just don’t want to hear the comments,but what if they didn’t care at all?or
U looked invisible to them?
Wouldn’t that hurt more?
Ya know my dad just died 1 year ago in Sept.,and he never said I LOVE U TO ME.
I found out why,and he’s lucky hes not alive.
Don’t have anger like i do.It eats me up everday of my life!!!!!!

I was NEVER protected as a child off of my parents.Thats probablly why I LOVE MY DAUGHTER SO MUCH!!!!!
How can anyone treat a child the way mine did?

They LOVE YOU SWEETHEART!!!!!
LET THEM!!!!!

As always,
FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
820 Shay // Nov 17, 2008 at 2:32 pm

I currently weigh 131 pounds, I have gained about 30 all together. Its awful!!! I feel disgusting and look awful!!! I know that I have gained back way too much!!! I seem to have no more self control and I can’t stop eatting!!!
821 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 3:06 pm

Hi Shay,
Ur weight is a great weight.I would kill to be that weight.(Not litterally)
Now listen if ur not happy with what ur eating,then start eating friuts,and veggies more.
Also if u work out the weight u gained is muscle mass,and that love is good for u.
U arte rebuilding ur muscles in which u have damaged fromthe Bitch in ur head.
REMEMBER U ARE STRONGER THAN HER!!!!
U need the muscle mass in order not to get osteopersious.That disease will make ur bones break at the littlest thing u do.

What u are doing is good for u!!!!
Please don’t forget that.

As always,
FriendsForever&ForeerConnected,
Tracie
oxoxoox
xoxoxoox
822 Megan // Nov 17, 2008 at 4:49 pm

Hi everyone!!
How is everyone doing? I’m not doing so well. I weighed myself this morning (I know I gotta stop!) and after all the bingeeating I did this weekend I ended up gaining 7 pounds. AHH!! HELP ME!!! :(:( I almost burst into tears.I feel like my annorexia is comming back again, even though these past months have been going so well 4 me. But now I feel the need 2 restrict. I am hoping it is just water weight , or my weight flactuating agian like it goes 2-4 lbs in a week. Does this happen 2 any of you?? You can gain as much as 7 lbs? Will this go away? I want my weight back!! I even have been exercising again. I’m freaking out sooo much!! I feel like I am caught between becoming obese again or going annorexic. I just am hoping that this is just water weight or something?? uggg…
823 Charlotte // Nov 17, 2008 at 7:17 pm

Helllooo evry1! hows evry1 doing?gud i hope?
Tracie-yes the UK how u guess lol i live in England in a place called Manchester. ive heard of warrington..how long did u live there for then?
its sooo true wat u sed about my mum noing that im not FINE even tho i say i am, i can tell this just from the look on her face. I no she is really worried about me and i feel so selfish and wish that i wasnt putting her threw this…i think thats partly the rsn i find it hard 2 open up because i dont want 2 worry her even more! saying that, today i came 2 an agreement wiv myself..i had 2 let my mum in at least abit more on how i was feeling. thats wat i did, even tho i found it scary! i didnt go into huge detail i just let her no that i am still struggling and i have better days than others. she spoke 2 me about getting help elsewhere, if i didnt think i could do it with family support alone! i began to speak less n less..i think the reality of my problem was just getting to much 2 cope with. i told her i would think about it tho and she sed she would ask me again in a few days! my food intake has still been minimal however after the talk with my mum 2day i felt i had to eat not just for me but also for her..as i no it must be hard for a mum 2 watch her daughter destroy herself mentally and physically! so i actually made tea for both me and my mum (2 different meals) but my mum was just happy to see me have something! talking of mothers and daughters u sound like such a strong, loving mother and i am so proud of the way you stuckup for your daughter and spoke out 2 those other children..that takes guts girl!! so well done =-) try and think back to times like this when u are having bad ana moments..look how strong you were in the defense of your daughter, she needs u..the healthy you, your daughters the only girl you need in your life, ANA is just some bitch that is trying to suck the life from you and you/we cant let this happen! you have come so far, stay positive, stay healthy but most of all stay true to yourself.
im here if you want 2 talk
charlotte xxx
824 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 7:45 pm

Hi Charlotte,
I kew it.My Nan (may she rest in piece)Lived in Manchester,and had a sweet shop.
I lived in Warrington a short time.When i was born i was born with PKU,and the UK didn’t know much about it sooooo my parents moved to the US when i was just days old.
I’ve had my Dr(for PKU) since 1969,and i still see him.Crazy HUH!!LOL

I have my Cousins and Uncle in York.So i try to go back often to visit.
I actually miss it alot.I remember going to Rylands Wreck as a kid w/my Cousin and getting into alot of trouble.(The good Ole days)
Can i ask u Charlotte how old u are?
Yeah our Mums can read and see straight thru us,but i saw what i was doing to my Mum.Emotionally ,and that killed me more.
So that is when i went inpatient at a hospital in Sacramento Ca.Between my Mum,Husband,and The love of my Daughter i knew i had to fight this inner Bitch.
I’m not gonna lie somedays seem alot easier than others.Today is one of the hard days.
I found out i need to go to the doctors tomorrow.
My PKU Dr. Thinks my brain is swelling.Great huh!!!
How do u hide tears from ur daughter!!!!
I,ve been crying all day and i tell her i have a headache,which i do.
Right now she is brushing my hair to relax my head. Ya see even when i’m not fighting Ana i feel like theres something else in my life i have to deal with.
What the HELL is swelling in the brain anyways.
I DON’T GET IT WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN.I wonder how long i’m gonna live…..
If i will live to see my daughter graduate,go to college,and get married,and have kids.

SEE GIRLS YOUU HAVE ALOT TO LIVE FOR,AND I ACTUALLY DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I’VE GOTTEN LEFT….

PLEASE TAKE EVERDAY LIKE A MIRACLE…
BE HAPPY TO BE ALIVE…..
YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHEN IT WILL ALL END,AND I’M ONLY 40 YRS OLD.

Take Care,and Always,

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
oxoxoxo
xoxoxoxo
825 Charlotte // Nov 17, 2008 at 7:47 pm

hi megan how u doing, hope ur staying strong and kicking ANAS BUT!
Thanks for your encouragement and all your kind words they really do inspire me to beat this damm thing!!! you seem like you have been doing really well so DO NOT go back and start restricting. you have made all the right steps so far, your body is becoming stronger..dont let ana pull you back down, dont let her win! i understand how you feel when u gain a few pounds because i go threw exactly the same thing, but we need 2 stay strong, dont look at it as gaining extra weight look at it as gaining your life back, your OWN mind back and getting shut of the BITCH FOR GOOD!!. Then u really will be in control! as for yourweight fluctuating, this is completely normal,not just for those struggling with anorexia but for everyone, many things can determine how much you weigh from day to day, water weight,clothing etc…but at the end of the day you wasnt happy when the number on that scale was higher or when it was lower, this just shows how ana seriously plays mind games and just how evil and controlling she is! dont live your life as a number, just live and be free, life is there to be lived and enjoyednot to be restricted and controlled so go enjoy it girl! dammm y cant i listen 2 my own advice lol funny how clued up we all are on what she is doing to us yet we still find it hard to walk away from without a struggle, for now tho i am just trying to stay strong for myself and allthose who care about me in the hope that 1 day i will be totally free of THIS! right now full recovery will seem like so far away but with each step we take we are steadily getting closer. although for me at the moment it seems like im takin 1 step forward and 2 steps back =-s the though of any extra weight just scares the life out of me, at the moment im at the bottom of a very deep hole and cant seem 2 find any way of getting myself out =-(
ifyou want 2 chat dont hesitate im here..stay strong. Charlotte xxx
826 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 10:57 pm

I THINK I PUT EVERYONE IN SHOCK!!!!!!
SORRY…….

T
827 Aliyah // Nov 18, 2008 at 8:49 am

megan- its water weight. uc ant put on a real 7 pounds in such little time!! belive me, its not a true reflection. thats how much weight flunctuares naturally in a day!!! so sewriously, relax about it, and keep eating ur not gna get obese! ino thats a scary thing for u but stay strong. scales are for fish!it used to ha[[en to me, and i used to freak out and want to break down, but now i dont do it! i get weighe dlike once a month and thats because thats a more true and accurate number than if i did it once a week!

dnt restrict thats ana, keep eating normally its not real weight hun

xx
828 Megan // Nov 18, 2008 at 8:05 pm

Charlotte,
Thank you soo much 4 ur sweet kind words of encoragement. I was doing sooo well. But this week ever since I did the stupid idea of weighing myself I ended up falling back into anas trap again. I’ve been restricitng and cutting back on my food and everyday after school I’ve been exercising. The stupid voice has come back saying “Omg! Look what youve done! You have gained weight! WE HAVE 2 do something about it!!” Ugg. I’m trying 2 listen 2 the real me and my real voice. 7 lbs does feel like allot 2 put on so I am hoping it is just water weight!! I just feel so terrible!!! But I know I will get through this. I really don’t wanna loose myself again…But its really hard 4 me cause b4 annorexia hit I was obese. That’s really what started it all 4 me. Anyways, thx again. Your so kind 4 listening. And I am always here 4 u 2!! xoxo

Aliyah,
Thanks for making me feel better. I thought 7 lbs was a little too much as well. And I’m soo stupid 4 weiging myself constintly. I was so upset with myself how much weight I had gained that I let that stupid voice come back 2 me agan. Like I was telling Charoltte, I’ve been restriscing and exercising trying 2 loose it again. I just hate it how much we flacuate. Ugg.
When does ur weight generaly stop flactuating?? Do you find u have a steady number now?? Anyways, thx again. I’ll try 2 stay strong and realise that I AM MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER!!! xoxo
829 Aliyah // Nov 19, 2008 at 9:00 am

megan- uno what, that voice comes to me when i weigh myself too and i hate it. and i realised im happier and eat more when i dnt do it, so honestly jus thrw he scales away or put them away and weigh urself ocasionaly if at all. Normal people flunctuate that much! uno when a wman get sher perid she can ‘put on’ up to 7 pounds, and no one notices cause its really so little!! we will always flunctuate with food and water . its natural so it wnt stop, but it helps to not weigh urself. i mean im sure mines does, but weighin myself once a month
just try it hehe

xx
830 Sarah Marie // Nov 23, 2008 at 9:03 am

Hey!
How is everyone doing? I hope well.
Give me the latest update please.

As for me, I’m on the right track.
This past week I was able to add two snacks. One in between breakfast and lunch and another between lunch and dinner. And of course my evening snack like always.
For some reason adding the snacks have always been a real struggle for me. But I finally just decided one morning, what the heck, im gonna do it.
And ya know what?
It wasn’t bad at all.
It felt soooo good to give my body the extra calories and nutrients it needs.
So if any of you are still debating on adding in your snacks during the day just try it one day and i promise you your body will thank you and love you so much for it!
Tell me how it goes..

Turkey day next week. I’m sooo excited =D
How is everyone feeling about that?

I know I will eat well because I just can’t resist all the good food. Yumm. I just hope I don’t feel the need to restrict or exercise before the big meal
Wish you all luck.

-SarahMarie
831 Lulu // Nov 23, 2008 at 4:32 pm

Hello Sarah Marie,

Congrats with your addition of snacks. That’s great. And don’t worry if you get o a point where you think you’re eating too much. You’ll reach a point where your body will become comfortable finally and you’ll feel more in control. That’s where I am. For a while I was very scared about gaining too much.

I don’t really have family for Thanksgiving this year so I’m thinking of volunteering somewhere locally. I’m not really nervous about eating. Actually,something stressful happened a couple of nights ago and my appetite vanished. These days I’m more afraid of not eating than eating!

Take care and have a wonderful holiday. You’re on the right track.
Lulu
832 Aliyah // Nov 24, 2008 at 9:05 am

sarah marie- hey well done on ur snacks!!! eating regulary is so good for u, and uno what, it will help speed ur metabolism up!! i used to find adding snacks really hard, but now i snack all the time keep adding and eating

lulu- try not to let stress or anthing upset ur appetite. its something u must overcome, the body is so fragile it needs food all the time.

as for me , im great guys! hope everyone else is good. just been at uni, being more social and life is good. i love food, i cud never deprive myself agen!! way to tasty lol

xx
833 Megan // Nov 28, 2008 at 10:12 pm

Hey Everyone!!
How are you all doing? If your American than I hope u had a very Happy Thanksgiving and didn’t deprive urselves @ all and ate all the yummy foods u could!! Hehe. I have some really really exciting news 2 tell u all!! I’ve been published!!!!!! I entered a poem I wrote (about Annoerxia actually!) 2 a contest and it got choosen 2 be published out of thousands in a book called “Midnight Song” in bookstores this spring!! Isn’t that amazing!?? I’ll post the poem here 4 u guys 2 see cause it sends a strong message and kind of gives u hope 2 fight this!! I’ve been writing since I was 6 and dreaming of this ever since as well. It finally has come true!! I can’t believe it !!!! :D:D ok here it is tell me what ya think!!

Unattainable Beauty

Staring within the mirror, is a feeble stick thin girl.
Staring within the mirror, is an image so translucent that it’s barely even there.
Staring within the mirror, is a walking breathing corpse.
Staring within the mirror, is a girl with dull red hair.
Staring within the mirror, are her faded emerald eyes.
Staring within the mirror, are the artificial words which invade her soul and mind.
Staring within the mirror, is a girl still searching for perfection.
Staring within the mirror, is the wholesome truth she sees as lies.
Staring within the mirror, is the beauty that is held abyss.
Staring within the mirror, is the demon in which had led her there.
Unattainable Beauty
834 Aliyah // Nov 29, 2008 at 2:50 am

megan- heyy !! aww well done on gettin ur beautiful peom published!! it great! did u have a gd thanksgiving? i dnt celebrate it but ive been doing really well, eating lots and enjoyinglife. exams soon though
hows college going?

xxx
835 Megan // Dec 4, 2008 at 10:07 pm

Aliyah,:)

Thanks for reading and glad u liked my poem! Oh no I didnt celebrate thanksgiving cause I am Canadian and we have ours in oct! Oh and I’m not in college yet I am still in my last year of highschool. Hehe. But just applied 4 college!! So how are you doing these days? Still staying strong I hope? Keep fighting and staying strong. xoxo!!
836 hemp88 // Dec 4, 2008 at 11:50 pm

hi guys this is my first time to post here…ive been restricting for about 2 years and have just finally admitted to myself the problem and i just started an out patient group. how much more helpful is an in patient than out patient?
837 hemp88 // Dec 4, 2008 at 11:52 pm

hi guys this is my first time to post here…ive been restricting for about 2 years and have just finally admitted to myself the problem and i just started an out patient group. how much more helpful is an in patient than an out patient?
838 Aliyah // Dec 5, 2008 at 2:36 pm

hey hemp 88.
well don eon getting better, its the best thing u will ever ever ever do in ur life. getting better has made me a stronger person and i LOVE FOOD. its the best thing ever. just stay strong eat anything u want and never feel bad the voice is a lie.
i never went to in or oupatient, im doing it myself with support from everyone.

i can imagine they wud both be great help

xx
839 Aliyah // Dec 5, 2008 at 2:51 pm

megan- heyy dear!well done on applying to college then hop eu get in!!
ive been good!! exams are soon so been stressed but apart from that life is good with food! next weekend is my bfs bday so were all going out for a meal like his family too, so a big celebration and ill ave a big meal in front of everyone, which i was kinda scared about, bu uno what, who cares! its only food. and i feel sooo much better after eating dnt u?:D

how u beeen? eating well?
xx
840 help // Dec 6, 2008 at 1:00 am

Aliyah-
your words are so motivating! reading your posts are helping me so much to have faith and believe in my self. im so new to opening up to others about my real thoughts-about having an ED and about recovering from ana…i see a great therapist twice a week who i like very much and i know she can help i just find sometimes its tought to be open with her. was it hard for you to open up about the voice you had in ur head? also, i feel like now i have recovered a lot from the restricting part…i pretty much eat whenever i want…but the big problem is that i am sooooo picky. there is such a small variety of food i like and i eat the same things every day and find myself not liking anything else. i think ive tricked myself into thinking its bad for me. i havnt had any flour in sooo long and i seriously have to eat the same thing every day. i dont know how to change this behavior. helppppp please!!!!!! i cant go on like this but yet it seems impossible to try and change this habit

help’s last blog post..By: help
841 Aliyah // Dec 6, 2008 at 2:46 am

help- aww no bother ino what its like. its realllly hard at the start, but uno i was pickkky like really pivky too. and then i just though fuk this, i wanna eat more than just these few types of foods and i did, and i didnt get fat, and neither wil u!
ok theres still foods i find hard to eat or dont eat, but its about taking a fear food one at a time, and going why am i scared to eat this, and proving urself wrong, in that ull get fat cause u wont!
and remember any weight u gain, is not real weight, firstly a lot of it will be water and secondly, ur only REGANINING the weight u lost!

enjooy the food and live ur life, its way too short to be caught up in what to eat, lifes about moree

stay positive, and happy and enjoy ur meals ok?
xx
842 help // Dec 6, 2008 at 10:01 am

hey aliyah-
thanks your advice really means a lot. i have been trying lately and definately have regained almost all my weight which is great news althogh sometimes her voice in my head tells me to loose weight and restrict…..after going to group therapy for the first time i try to tell myself its her voice and not to listen and it has been helping a lot. the big problem is still the rigidity….its just the voice is sooo strong in my head right now about what to eat and when. i dont want it to control my life anymore. i feel like the more i push myself to eat other foods with people and eat a normal amount this will help. cause sometimes if i have been restircting..then start to eat anything….i eat wayyyy to much and get so bloated and then go back to bein rigid cause i think the new foods made me feel sick but really it was the massive amount at once.

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
843 Shannon // Dec 6, 2008 at 11:59 am

Hey girls!
Help-That’s so good to hear that you have regained your weight back!!! I have to and feel better than ever. Yes I was just like you and would eat, but only very few things. I would eat the exact same things everyday and had only a few “safe foods.” I would wander around grocery stores looking at all the things I really wanted, but knew I couldn’t force myself to eat. After awhile I tricked myself into thinking the healthy things were the only things that tasted good. When friends and family would offer me things like desserts or candy I would tell them I didn’t like that stuff, and I think I actually believed it for awhile myself, but it was just ana talking…because I LOVE desserts and candy and all the good stuff. I think Aliyah’s idea of making a list of foods that you haven’t had in a really long time and that you use to love is a really good idea! Also, something that helped me was that after I told my family about my eating disorder they started to recognize all the signs and my mom would just quit buying my “safe foods” from the store, and would sit with me while I ate my meals at home. At first I would get really upset and frustrated because I was eating my fear foods, but after awhile you just get use to it and realize that there’s really nothing wrong with eating all the good stuff, you’ve just got to keep pushing yourself. Now I don’t even eat my old “safe foods” and have no desire to because the truth is, they sucked!! There’s so much better food out there that I love now! It helped me a lot to have my friends and family there so I could see that they were eating the same stuff as me, and they aren’t fat. Maybe you could try to add in one or two things off your “fear food” list each day and cross off one thing from your safe food list. That way it would be smaller changes and not so overwhelming, but eventually you would be able to get rid of all your safe foods and try all your fear foods. There are still some things that I have a tough time eating, but there’s really not many at all. I know I could never go back to being anorexic because I love food so much now!!! Even when ana is trying to sneak back in my head and tell me I shouldn’t eat something, I can’t resist the delicious food and kick ana’s ass out of my head and eat it!!!! I was also so rigid with my “meals” like you! I woudl weigh/measure everything and would write down all the calories in everything before I ate it and would cut things up into a zillion pieces. I would always have to prepare my own food so I knew exactly what was in it and could have it the way I wanted it. It was all so stupid, and pointless but I felt like I had to do it so I could be in control. Now I don’t do any of that and I don’t miss it one bit! While I was anorexic I forgot what a “normal” meal even looked like. I would think that what was a really small amount to a normal person was really big for me, so I would go out to eat with my friends and usually atleast one of them would make sure to order the same thing as I would so I could see that my meal was the same size as theirs, and that it was normal. I owe a lot of my recovery to my friends and family, they were, and still are great support!! It was so hard for me to tell my friends at first. I remember when I told my best friend that I was just going to outpatient therapy. She did have an idea that something was going on with me but I think she was also too afraid to confront me about it. She knew that I needed to gain weight and one day when she asked I told her that no I hadn’t gained any weight because I’ve been having some issues with food but that I’m getting help for it. She was so sweet about it and willing to do anything she could to get me better. Then I ended up in the hospital and my other friends found out that way. My mom told my family members for me, which made it easier on me because that way I could still talk about things with them without actually having to say to all of them, “I’m anorexic.” I’ll be your friend has some idea that something is going on with you and I know she’ll be very understanding and supportive. Sorry I wrote so much, keep fighting and let us know how it goes when you tell your friend! Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!
844 Aliyah // Dec 6, 2008 at 1:13 pm

help- well done on regainig weight bak. and ino the voice can be so bad sumtimes, but uno what. it gets less!! belive me it does, and uno how? u have to not listen to it and eat and never retrict and it goes. i dnt get the voice like i used too, and its because i decided im not listenin to it, and i ate what i wanted. and u will not ever ever get fat from it, so enjoy life! remember theres more to life than ur size!!
the voice will go, as ur mind becomes healthy and nourished. lack of food, and the right foods, will make the voice stronger, thats why when an anorexic is at their thinnest, they feel so fat, and horribl, cause the voice is gna get stronger the less u eat.

xx
x
845 help // Dec 8, 2008 at 12:05 am

thanks girls! your advice and support helps soooo much. tomorrow is my first long day at IOP and it will be my first meal with people in a very very long time—2 years actually. im soooo nervous ahhh omg im terrified they will put something on the plate and i will freak. but i know i will sit there and eat it. and i will keep telling myself what u guys told me! i need to do this so her voice will fade away.
shannon- great idea! i took one of my safe foods out yesterday and today—- a bag of brussel sprouts….its a problem cause im pretty much addicted to them. i dont know if i like them cause they are a safe food or if i actually like the taste. right now i honestly dont really know what i like and what ana likes. i also added something new yesterday…..french onion soup with some bread. i hadnt had that in a while……..
i spent time with other girls from the IOP on saturday and for the first time in 2 years i actually kinda felt like i fit in and i enjoyed myself. when ana was at her strongest with u guys did u become really antisocial?? cause for the last 2 years i havnt really wanted to do anything. i mean occasionally ill have the desire to do something…..but other than going to buy food or makin food or working out i basically didnt wanna do anything. when u guys started to and did recover from ana did u become more social or were u always social even wit ana?
i just feel like sometimes around people without EDs its hard for me to connect because there is this other voice in my head that i feel like they cant understand and im afraid to tell them. if any of u guys did out patient did u get pretty close to the girls u were in ur group? i feel like the peers in my group could really help

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
846 Aliyah // Dec 8, 2008 at 3:17 am

help- i wish u lots of luck!! just go there and eat, it will make u better and think about a future with no ana. if u work extra hard now, ull reap the benefits!!

and no i became very unsocial when ig ot ana, cause i nver wanted to go out incase i encountered food, but im not like that anymore, cause ino ihad to overcome it.

but if u think about it, life is about going out socialising and eating different and new foods, dont deprive urself anymore, one ste at a time, get better and go at ur own slow pace . slowly but steady and u will get better.

good luck

xx
847 Shannon // Dec 8, 2008 at 11:10 am

Help-Awesome job on cutting out the brussel sprouts!!! I use to be that way with broccoli, I would eat it everyday and convinced myself that I LOVE it, which I do like it but its not anything great! Before I had anorexia I was very social and I was the one always joking around and making people laugh, and then when I got my ED I didn’t want to do anything besides look at food, work out, and sleep. I had no energy to do anything and I was scared to go out with my friends because I knew it would always involved food, and they were sick of hearing my excuses as to why I was eating. But I’m soooo glad to say that I’m back to my old self and love hanging out with my friends and being with my family. I felt so grouchy and not like myself when I had my ED. And yes, I got SO close to the girls in my group. We all knew exactly how the other was feeling and were all going through the same struggles. I feel like the girls in my group helped me recover more than the actual therapy did. They don’t judge you or put you down if you have a bad day, they just encourage you to do better and sympathize with you. I still talk to almost all the girls in my group and we all get together and go out to eat!!! Haha! Although I did have to quit hanging out with one of the girls because she was still stuck in her eating disorder and was really triggering for me, so I had to tell her that I couldn’t hang around her right now because I’m still so vulnerable and do NOT want to go back to that. So just make sure you surround yourself with positive people. And awesome job on the soup and bread, that’s wonderful!!! You are doing so well, keep it up girl!!!
848 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 12:17 am

thanks so much for sharing shannon. i feel the exact same as you used to with ED. i am trying to force myself to go out and distract myself from thinking about food but its so difficult. no matter where i am, who im with, or what im doin, after about an hour or two at the most i start to think about food again and i cant get it out of my head! i dont know how. how did you get the thoughts out? the positive thing is that i am at a normal weight- the only thing is i havnt had my period is over 2 years and it scares me…

help’s last blog post..By: help
849 Megan // Dec 20, 2008 at 11:08 am

help,
Hey! My name is Megan, I am 18 yrs old and curenttly am recovering from Anorexia. The thing for me is that I am at a healthy body weight as well, but I just tend to have it psychologically. My head will just keep on saying restrict! u need 2 exercise! what started mine is that I was at one time obese and what started out as a slow weight loss, just turned into an obsession! I started measuring, and counting all the calories I had eaten. I would exercise non-stop. Anorexia is not nice at all!! But I think I am getting over it! I have my good days and bad of course. I still get the thoughts 2! Have u tried writing? That always helps me! And I haven’t gotten my period in over a year either! But I am sure it will come back it just takes time!
If u ever wanna tlk I have facebook & msn or email any time! I’m always happy 2 tlk!
perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com
xoxo stay strong Help! we can beat this!!! :D:D
850 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 1:55 pm

Hey Megan! thanks for writing. ya the problem is same with me….its more psychological. i had the same thing as you with exercising and restritcting. i always have been active with sports…and then in 2006 i became obsessed with getting low body fat..and i restricted sooo much for about a year and a half intermittently and also exercised as much as a good. what is really bothering me though are my phsyical feelings….i started getting panic attacks about 9 months ago…and since then i freak out anytime i feel some physical pain. also some days i wake up and really really dont want to do anything or see anyone…and i feel sooo exhausted some times. it is soo strange cause ill be able to run 5 miles in less than 40 min for like 3weeks and then ill just crash. for the past month ive been havin an extra hard time…and feel tired a lot….do you experience this?

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
851 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 1:58 pm

also megan…. now its soo annoying cause i feel like i dont have the “power or control” that ana wants to restrict because i get so hungry. so even when i try..i cant…. but i just wanna be able to eat normal meals and not graze eating “my food” throughout the day…

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
852 Aliyah // Dec 20, 2008 at 3:22 pm

help- u have the power belive me! dont restrict, because it wil make u eat more ad then ull feel bad about urself. just eat 3 meals a day and snack inbetween, have a little routine and make sure u stick to it, and learn to listen to when ur body is hungry. dont deprive urself. lifes too short…

x
853 Shannon // Dec 20, 2008 at 6:49 pm

Help,
I know what you mean about not having the power to restrict, even if you wanted to. Sometimes ana tries to creep into my head and tell me I should restrict or not eat dessert but I get so hungry I just give in and can’t even restrict anything anymore. But that is really a good thing, whether we like to admit it or not. Ana no longer has the control over us. Those thoughts will go away with time, the more regularly you eat, the less Ana will try to get in your head. I have been eating really normal and everything now for a good 6 months and I rarely have Ana thoughts so I’m definitely on the right track. I started working out again too (not too much, just a healthy amount) and it is really making me feel better about myself. AND, after a year and a half of no periods I finally got my period back the other day! It is something that seems so little to everyone else but to us it is a big deal! My body is finally realizing I’m not going to starve it anymore. When I told my mom I thought she was going to cry. It made me feel so good to have beat this stupid ED! There is so much more to life. I love all the new friends and boyfriend I have now that I don’t have my ED. When I had it I just wanted to workout and be alone all the time, plus I was always so tired. So just keep eating and do what you need to do and Ana will go away, I promise. Good luck girls! Everyone have a Merry Christmas!!!!! I’m baking cookies as we speak
854 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 10:29 pm

Thanks so much for ur support and marry christmas to everyone as well!
that is awsome shannon about gettin ur period back! wow congradulations. any tips for me on how i can get my period back? i want to ask you…when you first got back to a normal weight did you still have the thoughts in your head for a little while? cause my situation is that i sometimes cant stop thinking about food and what to go get and its soooo annoying cause i dont wanna be thinking about that! im sooo proud of both you megan and aliyah for your strong recovery and for believeing in yourself so much and for having the faith in others to fully recover. also, i know at in patient they do not allow an exercise…i love activity and today i ran 2 miles..but then after got soooo tired and anxious all day long i was a bundle of anxiety and fatigue…i finally had to take an ativan cause i couldntn take it anymore…and the ativan always really really helps….thats how i know its anxiety. but when u guys were recovering…and when u exercised…did u ever get super exhausted….
cause before when i was restricting i could run 5 miles so fast and now that im eating much much more after 1 mile i get soo tired! it doesnt make any sense…..any thoughts?

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
855 Megan // Dec 20, 2008 at 11:49 pm

Help,
I’m really sorry 2 hear about ur Anorexia struggle. But like all of us on this site we all are suffering from this terrible illness! But please you gotta remember anorexia is just a voice! And a voice can so eaisly be turned into a whisper with time, that whisper will dissapear. So anorexia dosnet last forever you just have to believe in yourself and let your friends and family help u 2!! My best friend was the one who helped me on the path to recovery. So dont lock ur feelings inside! It just makes things worse. Believe me! So many ppl love and care about u! And really, ur just hurting urself by starving. You feel sick, dizzy, cold, and miserable! I remember when I was starving myself even in the summer I was cold! I HATED it! I even wore my jacket around to class to class. And all I ever ate for my lunch was carrotts. Cause I thought they were “safe” and would keep me from getting fat. Ugg I think back and Anorexia took away soo much of my time and life! It was sooo time consuming and controling! Don’t let it interfere with what u love 2 do best. Ur young and u deserve all the best in ur life. xoxo keep fighting!! Oh ya about ur anxiety… I recently got anxiety 2! I dont know if its from stress or what. I get it so bad that I feel like I am going 2 pass out all the time. Its just like a cold sweat and u start freaking out kind of. Is that what its like 4 u? I hope it stops soon! I wonder if I need medication like u do..
856 Aliyah // Dec 21, 2008 at 4:37 am

help they came back after i ate consistenly. no restricting even if i ate a lot more one day . my body trusts me now, it knows it gna get food and so it gives me back my period. be good to ur body
u will get it soon, u may be at ur ideal weight, but make sure u eat enuff and healthily and consistenly.
and exercise!! i never exercise. i love bing lazy. and u DO NOT NEED TO EXERCISE. if u strain urself out, thats one of the reasons u wont get ur period . if u must exercise make sure its realllllly light. exercise is all anorexia, dont let her win!

xx
857 Shannon // Dec 21, 2008 at 10:16 am

Help,
When I was in Inpatient we weren’t allowed to exercise either because it takes too much energy when you are trying to recover your body and muscles, so for now just take it easy. When I was in recovery I would get SOOOOO tired just walking up a flight of stairs. I thought it was weird too because when I would restrict I could work out all the time and now that I eat right I can’t do anything. They told me in treatment that its just your body using all its energy to fix the damage that we did to it by not eating, so there’s not energy left for anything else (like exercise). Even once I got back to my healthy weight I still had thoughts about food and all that but its been going away, and I hardly notice it anymore. Megan is right though, my friends have been great too! Whenever I’m feeling down they are always there to help me and tell me that my thoughts are irrational and that my body image is distorted and all that, plus they can always make me laugh. I’m really not sure on how to get your period back. I have been at a healthy weight for months now and I just now got it. My doctor told me that its because my body still was recovery from all the damage I did to it by not eating, and still wasn’t strong enough to carry a baby (the whole point of periods). But now that I’ve been eating consistently and not starving myself anymore my body trusts me and was able to repair all the internal damage I did to my muscles. So just keep eating lots and doing well and yours will come back too! Keep up the good work, you’re doing so well! Where are you from??
858 help // Dec 23, 2008 at 6:53 pm

Thanks sooo much all of you guys. im 20 and im from southern california. how old are ya and where are you from? actually the thoughts about food have started to decrease….but i still wanna restrict and ana feels so much better about my body when i do restrict. its a problem. the last few days have been terible….i have been havin lot of anxiety and panic attacks. usually the ativan works but today it didnt really. i went to a heated yoga class today…and about noon started to feel hard core fatigure, confusion, dizzy, anxious, major headache, and terrible weakness. i took .5mg of ativan and tylenol and aspirin and so far nothing has helped too much. i dont know what to do. seriously i wanna go to the doctor right now…even though my dads an ER doctor and he is here…
i jsut feel so weak and maybe the yoga was too much? im not sure…
any advice with this? and also its soo hard for me cause i have a 16 yr old very slim brother and he does not eat hardly anything compared to me and he just doesnt care at all about what he eats and its soo tough for me to see him live such a normal life and look fine and stuff. does anyone have this problem?
also, to those who get anxiety, any other things that maybe i can try that have helpef you. i feel miserable right now and my family was suppose to go caroling tonight but now my parents cant cause they are here watching me. =(. no fun =(
do you think i should take more ativan? i dont know if anyone here is familiar with the milligramns and stuff. thanks you guys i really really appreciate your support encouragement and advice

help’s last blog post..By: help
859 Shannon // Dec 23, 2008 at 7:22 pm

help-it is frustrating to see other people around be so normal with food and just eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. but the longer and harder you try to be like that, eventually you will really be able to just listen to your body and give it what it needs…so don’t give up! i’m from central illinois and i’m 20 as well. i am going to nursing school so i’m very familiar with the ativan and other drugs. if i were you i would try other anxiety reducing things and try as hard as possible to not rely on the ativan, but if you need it then definitely take it. you should talk to your doctor or your dad to see if you need a stronger dose. when i feel anxious or like i can’t relax i usually try to do soemthing to take my mind off of food and my ed….usually something with my hands. i even resorted back to coloring, but it really does help and gets your mind busy on something else. i also started building those little model cars, weird i know…but its something to do when i’m fe

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