anorexia talk – for people recovering from anorexia

This is a special new area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia. I know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.

However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.

Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.

This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).

So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.

(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)

Here are a few things you may want to start out with:

Do you get enough support from people around you?
How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
Have you found a food plan that works for you?
How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
How long have you been in recovery?
What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?

PLEASE NOTE:

Due to the great success of this page, I have now created a new page on this site, to make the large comment/talk section a bit easier to manage. Please continue your discussion here.

(And another note: Any message on this page that seems even remotely like spam will be deleted. This is NOT a place to advertise.)

2,644 Comments

2,644 responses so far ↓

1 Aliyah // Feb 11, 2008 at 9:05 am

heyyy
so tell me about urself and ur ED
2 please // Feb 16, 2008 at 9:53 pm

hello everybody…
i am a recovered anorexic. I am pretty young, in the low teen years and about 5 feet. my lowest weight was about 70 pounds. It started when i was overweight as a kid, my mom would always try to push me away from food. i hated it so one day i decided to get healthier. i did a great job and was losing weight in a very healthy way, but then it caught up with me. it was like a competition to lose more and more weight. i saw therapists and nutritionists…….didnt do a thing for me, but i somehow self recovered within a year. I DID IT! but now i am 2 years older and 115 pounds….i feel overweight, short (probobly because of my food deprivation as a child), and depressed. I am now experiencing all the things that went wrong in my body within that year and a half of starving myself. i feel fat and want to lose weight. its true once an anorexic always one. i still have all my past thoughts in the back of my head. i alwyas count calories and excercise excessivly…..but now i feel like i overeat and am unhealthy…. what do i do now?
3 Catherine // Feb 16, 2008 at 9:53 pm

to please,
You are so smart to come on here! I am a lot like you in that I did better once I went back to college and stopped seeing my therapists, although they had helped a lot and I recovered way quickly too. Right now, you need to tell yourself that you are not overweight. You are at a healthy weight and should fight to stay there.

I found that making meals as a part of normal life crucial in remaining recovered (I’ve been at a healthy weight for 6 months now)! I always tell myself that if I eat too little I could lose more bone mass (I have osteoporosis from anorexia), won’t be able to concentrate on school, will be depressed again, and

DUH DUH DUH lower my metabolism. Remember, if you don’t eat your body slows down, so eating often when you’re hungry keeps it up. It’s a very good thing. Your body does NOT want you to starve. That’s probably why you overeat. Or you don’t. ..those like us sometimes can’t tell the difference.

If you want, I can send you my email or a.i.m. sn and we can help each other stay recovered. I’m great now, but I’m always on guard like you.
Take care
4 please // Feb 16, 2008 at 9:54 pm

thanks Catherine
the whole support thing would be wonderful, i really want to feel like a normal person and not always have to think about it. i just want to be a healthy, happy teenager.
5 Catherine // Feb 16, 2008 at 9:54 pm

I would love to help you get through this! When I was recovering I wish I had someone to write to. Hmm I’m wondering how I can get you my email and whatnot without posting it. Any ideas guys? I’m 20 yrs. old and only got hit with this stuff last year, but I’m still a teen at heart! Plus, everyone deserves to be a healthy and happy teenager.
6 daisy // Feb 17, 2008 at 1:12 am

hey everybody…..this is “please”
i feel a little more comfortable about this now….well once again everday is a struggle and i just find myself dieting again beacuse now that i weigh like a normal teenager i feel fat. i just always have to feel like i am thinner than everyone else….even if its a bad thing. it eases all my troubles and makes me more confident
7 pat // Feb 17, 2008 at 9:59 am

I’m sitting in my livingroom watching my daughter sleep. She’s home from college for the weekend and is taking a nap. She is working so hard at recovery, but I can see at times it’s such a struggle. I asked her this morning if there was anything I could do to help her, but she said there was nothing. She tells me my love and support are enough, yet looking at her tiny body just is so difficult. I love her with my whole heart and soul and do my best never to make her feel my pain. I just hope I’m doing enough. I guess I need to know from you all… what is the most helpful thing a Mom can do? I don’t want to ignore the situation, but I also don’t want our whole relationship to focus on it. I just have days when I feel so helpless and alone. My daughter is an incredible young woman and makes me so proud. Thanks for listening!
Love to all of you!
Pat
8 Aliyah // Feb 17, 2008 at 11:48 am

awww you are, love is the way foward

my mums the same she does everything to help me along the way
nd i willll get to the healthy stage i hope
9 Aliyah // Feb 17, 2008 at 11:50 am

daisy, do you not maybe want to try a counceller or therapist, and get all your worries out , im im recovery, i dont know how it feels to be recovered
10 daisy // Feb 19, 2008 at 5:42 pm

to Aliyah, i tried the whole therapy thing it just makes me feel worst..i really hope you get through it, just really work on it….little by little…you’ll feel so amazing and free..it feels good to be able to have a normal life again. minor relapse is always going to be there for a person who once had anorexia…you just have to let it breeze by.

To Pat,
as a young daughter that went through this eating disorder…i know that my mom went through a lot of pain and nights of crying. please be strong for your daughter, understand that she has this as a mental issue too, its not just wanting to skip a few meals, give her time because the less you push her and let her open up the easier it will get for her.
11 isabella mori // Feb 19, 2008 at 7:33 pm

thanks for all the support you’re giving each other.

as a therapist, of course i’m curious to hear how therapy does and does not work for people. i’m really sorry that therapy made you feel worse.

if that therapist asked you what she or he could have done differently, what would you say?
12 Emiy // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:12 pm

Hi My Name is Emily.
I am a recovering anorexic. i have been home from my inpatient program now for almost two months. but, in that time my metabolism has shot up and lowered way down. at first it was over 2000 calories, and then we keep having to lower my meal plan and now it is around 1300, i know that is not normal for a teenager. Is that normal to fluctuate as an anorexic?… should i try to eat more? i am eating five meals a day, and exercising regularly. is there something wrong with me?
13 isabella mori // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:36 pm

hi emily, and welcome to this blog!

what are your doctor and/or nutritionist saying?

our nutritional needs vary very much with age, activity level, weight, etc. generally, 1,300 calories for a teenager is on the low side.

if your BMI is low (which it would be for many people who were in inpatient treatment for anorexia only 2 months ago), then it would make sense to eat more rather than less.
14 Aliyah // Feb 20, 2008 at 3:01 am

To daisy- aww thanks, its relaly hard. right now im on a basic meal plan, but i feel so fat and horrible and bloated a lot of the time. how long did it take for your metabolism to set in, and get faster? I think you should try to feel positiv about yourself, maybe write down a list of all your achievments, you;ve recovered anorexia, if you can do that you can do anything!
you should be proud of yourself, and every one feels fat, its normal, you just need to tell yourself, you’re not goin to let it get in the way, If you eat healthily and exercise regulary, you have nothing to worry about.

and u have everyones support on this
15 Aliyah // Feb 20, 2008 at 3:04 am

hey emily, forstly well done on sorting out anorexia
secondly, i think you should speak to your doctor/nutrionist about this, they will know best.
do u have a mealplan? if so make sure you stick to it.
you could try things like green tea, its supposed to help speed up metabolism.

x
16 starcat // Feb 20, 2008 at 10:02 pm

i actually don’t believe that i’ve been seriously anorexic, but i’ve been dealing with “disordered eating” for about three years now. i’m 5’7 and 110 lbs, which is low but not dangerously so. i don’t fixate on food, but when i’m nervous or upset, i don’t like eating. skipping meals makes me feel good, although i know that sounds weird. i’ve never engaged in the calorie-counting or weight-watching aspects of eating disorders.

i’m actually gaining weight now, which i’ve been trying to do for a long time. however, i’m finding that it’s making me upset in ways that i didn’t anticipate. while looking in the mirror i think i’d look better if i weighed a little more, it feels really weird to have fat on my stomach. when i’m gaining weight it seems to all end up there, which makes me…uncomfortable? i guess? i’m hoping that if i keep the weight, it’ll get more distributed around my body. and yeah, i guess i’m hoping that someone here who’s had to gain weight can tell me how they reacted to it, physically and emotionally. part of me wants to just stop eating and make it go away.

thanks so much for any help.
17 Aliyah // Feb 21, 2008 at 1:51 am

heyy starcat well well done for trying to recover first
and yeah ino how weight gain feels, right now im supposed to put on a pound a week, sometimes its more sometimes less. Its soo frustrating, all m weight has gone to my stomach, which just looks like a constant puffball!
but my nutrionist says, if you keep eating regulary, ur metablism will speed up and this phase will pass, so im sure it;ll be the same for you!

do you want to see a nutrionist or someone?
xx
18 princess1 // Feb 29, 2008 at 2:05 am

Hi
Um this is the first time ive tried to do something like this.
Im 5ft 8 and 116 pounds
My mom doesnt understand all she does is force food on me. I can manage 2 meals a day and up to 3 sugary teas a day.
But when i look in the mirror i still see an ugly worthless fat cow, im worried these thoughts will take over again and I dont want that to happen i know its not good for me
help
19 Aliyah // Feb 29, 2008 at 4:10 am

heyy princess

ino how you feel, my anorexia made me feel worthless and restcritced my eating. You have to see you are an unhealthy weight for your height. You will bring on so many risks like osteoporosis, and i bet you’re feeling cold a lot and unhappy.
and the only way to sort this, is get help. its the best thing i ever did!
its a scary thought, but even if you just go to your gp, or maybe tell your mum how you;re feeling, she is concerned about you

good luck x
20 princess1 // Feb 29, 2008 at 4:27 am

how can i tell my mum all this stuff that goes on in my head she wont understand and i dont want to upset her! she has enought to worry about at the moment.
when i look in the mirror i dont feel like i look unhealthy i feel fat and i try to push it away but then dinner or breakfast comes and i hate what im looking at and if i eat it i hate myself
21 Aliyah // Feb 29, 2008 at 5:05 am

ino exactly how you feel, i have had anorexia for a long time, and i still feel fat, everyt time i eat. But i realise theres more to life than sittin thinking im fat all the time.
if you feel you cant talk to your mum, which ino is really hard, you need to find someone close to you,you can tell. what your experiencing, every anorexia, or does. You are not alone.
and you have to think, and be honest, do i want to get better and be healthy and go out for meals and eat what i want, or do i want to restrict more and more then end up in hospital being fed through a tube.
im always here to help, but you do need to tell someone, even the doctor or a close friend?
22 daisy // Mar 1, 2008 at 4:46 pm

everybody i feel horrible again i want to cry…i cant live like this i have to do it id rather be thin..i dont know what to do
23 isabella mori // Mar 1, 2008 at 5:27 pm

breath, daisy, breathe …

i’m looking at your last post.

you know what it feels like to feel free. you know what it feels like to lead a normal life.

hold on to that memory.

you can have it again.

we’re here for you.
24 pincess1 // Mar 2, 2008 at 9:38 am

Hi Daisy
maybe we should help each other through this I am struggling with trying to be healthy to but we have to do it for our own sake, deep down we both know it will be worth it in the long run.
we both have to be strong ill help you stay stong if you help me.
25 daisy // Mar 2, 2008 at 10:21 am

princess1 i am so up for support and helping you get through this as well. theres just too much around, reminding me of what my mind is telling me to do ans what my body is. nobody understands what i am dealing with, my family and friends…they just want me to eat but its not as easy as just that
26 princess1 // Mar 4, 2008 at 1:06 am

I know how your feeling, there’s so much pressure my mum has been trying to watch me eat at the table now and all i can feel is eyes burning into me!
im trying to eat more but there is still something inside my head that wants me to punish myself for eating so much.
I went to see a concert on saturday and all my friends were drinking and eating and i wanted so much to just be happy like them but when i looked at the plate i just saw my thighs getting bigger etc
In the end I ended up saying i wasnt hungry as I was to excited and my friends finished off the meal.
I had a bad weekend and no amount of talking to any doctor can change the way my mind is working hmm maybe i need a new brain or something?
27 isabella mori // Mar 9, 2008 at 2:38 pm

hi princess1, just thought i’d check in. how are things going for you?

also a friendly wave to daisy, aliyah, starcat, pat catherine and please.
28 worried sister // Mar 9, 2008 at 3:41 pm

Hello everyone. i am the sister of a girl with anorexia. it is very scary and im pretty new to it. she just started to admit she has a problem and she has all the symptoms. since most people commenting on here have had eating disorders i think this is the best way for me to educate myself. how should i deal wiht her? should I try to talk to her about it? please help me!
29 worried sister // Mar 9, 2008 at 3:46 pm

well there has been news since i last posted a comment. we did talk but i just cant seem to convince her she is not fat and a little weight will not ruin her running career. she is a very very good runner and has even gone as far a federations. but she is not happy and i can tell. it hurts me to look at her and i just wish she could eat and be happy again. it has been so long i have forgotten when the last time she really had fun was and the last meal she has eaten. she says she just wants to be happy but not gain any weight but i am worried about what that could do to her. i realize she might have complications trying to get pregnent or she could get serioulsy ill. since most of you are going through wat she is can you give me advice and help me know what to tell her. i feel like she realizes how hurt i am and i am trying to stay strong and not cry infront of her but is that the right way to go about this. please help!
30 Aliyah // Mar 10, 2008 at 4:19 am

heyy just feel i need to express sumf eelings
i feel so bd just now,recovery seems impossible
its so draining and daunting.
mealtimes re suprislingly ok, its just i hate my body.
my body image seems to be gettin worse s i eat more
31 princess1 // Mar 10, 2008 at 8:40 am

help
i cant do this I want to be skinny and leaving this group I need to be skinny again. its all i can think about know one can convince me im not fat I can see it when i look in the mirror! a big fat cow
32 worried sister // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:32 am

lately it has been better. we talk but i still feel like im not getting through to her. she is not fat and i wish she would realze tht. since most of you are anorexic answer this. how come you feel like your fat when your not. and who is it you are worried would care if you looked what you think is fat but what everyone else sees as super skinny? helppppp.
33 worried sister // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:34 am

princess1 – you are not fat. you are not a cow. do not worry about how you look. i can tell just by your comment that you are unhappy. dont be unhappy please! i am a not skinny but healthy looking girl but i am happy. i can work out and eat without questioning myself to much and i am here to tell you there is hope. you will be okay and i am proof that being happy feels so good. i want my sister to be happy and i want you to also. you dont need to impress anyone as long as you are happy.
34 pincess1 // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:36 am

the person in my head tells me im fat!
it tells me to loose weight and shows me weight gain!
just one more pound it never stops!
every pound brings pleasure and pain as its not enough
your suster needs to be admitted to hospital she has a mental condition like most of us and it needs to be shut down!
35 pincess1 // Mar 10, 2008 at 10:40 am

i am fat
fat fat fat a big fat cow
36 isabella mori // Mar 10, 2008 at 12:33 pm

hi guys, it’s isabella.

i’d like to share something with you.

at a support group where i meet, there is a guideline: “when you share, please focus on recovery. focus on what will help you and others move forward.”

do you think that would work here, too?
37 Heather // Mar 10, 2008 at 4:01 pm

I am 20 years old and currently suffering from anorexia, its hard becaues i want to recover and i want to gain I just cant seem to do it. Everytime after i eat something that i wouldnt normally i feel guilty and awful … so bad that i get a burning feeling in my stomach. I want to recover so badly i am so thin right now that i cant even find a pair of jeans that arnt baggy. Does anyone have any suggestions to get over the fear that i am facing right now? i want to get better just cant seem to do it. Everyone in my life says just dont think about what your eating just eat it but they dont understand the mental aspect of eating for me. Any suggestions would help thanks.
38 Aliyah // Mar 11, 2008 at 8:11 am

yeah im recovering nd i still get guilty feelings
i strongly urge you to see your doctor n get councelling. thats what i did, and its helping me slowly.
slowly but surely i am gettin better. i could never find jeans or clothes to fit me, but slowly i am now, and its a hard struggle but ino its worth it.
and the eating but is the smallest part of recovery, the rest is the important. for me its my self image, and how ipercive myself. you need someone to talk it through and help you with

good luck! you cn do it
x
39 princess1 // Mar 11, 2008 at 8:24 am

i relapsed today i ate laods and felt so bad i threw it all up again now i feel crap
40 Aliyah // Mar 11, 2008 at 11:37 am

awww relapses are a normal and natural part of recovery
you should try to keep yourself occupied after a meal, for 40 mins or so in order to prevent yourself from purging. such as studying, goin for a walk or talkin on the fone to someone.

try not to feel bad, use the feelings its given you- makin u feel bad and crap to prevent you doing it from next time

i feel crappy cause i had a really big dinner, but i sat on the internet and read up the negative effects anorexia can have on my health and body to stop me from throwin up
and it worked
you should try it

xx
41 rynelle // Mar 11, 2008 at 10:54 pm

they say when you’re recovering you are supposed to be extra sure to eat many small meals a day right? but how do u manage that? i have such a hard time getting myself to eat that often and so i usually end up eating one meal a day…one that is way to large.
42 princess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 12:45 am

its a question of if you dont eat it you’ll be ill thats what I tell myself eating is making me better and beautiful like the thoughts from ana but reversed!
ana makes u feel fat if you eat i look at it like if i eat this ill be slim and healthy todday although i have to convince myself for about 45mins to eat something but i do end up eating it.

Aliyah, thaks for the advice i had breakfast and walked my dog for 30mins it took my mind off what i’d just eaten as i was running around with my dog and plating with him.

thanks for the advice x
43 Aliyah // Mar 12, 2008 at 7:59 am

princess 1- aww thats sooo good. keep it up!

ryanelle- you should try and see a nutrionist, mines helped me devise 3 small meals with snacks inbetween. so i have a small brekafast, lunch n dinner at set times, and snacks at set time

x
44 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:04 am

i know i have to eat to be healthy which is what i really want more than anything…im a dancer and if you dont eat right you can get seriously injured. bcuz of my disorder i have already had some minor injuries which i need to take care of properly…but every minute of life is a struggle against myself. sometiems its the hardest thing to go against what a huge part of me is saying which is to not eat. often if i have food infront of me that i know i should eat i will sit there forever looking at it, unable to do anything at all..i cant eat it but i cant not eat it..its so frustrating i dont know wat to do, i just feel myself wanting to cry
45 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:12 am

i also just started going to a dietition who specializes in eating disorders..she is really nice, i feel more open with her than my actual therapist.. we have only had one meeting so far though. the first goal she set for me was to drink at least 2 glasses of milk a day but i havent been able to do that bcuz since i started eating again my stomach seems to be really sensitive to alot of things, such as milk. i have been told it is all in my head but idk..
46 Aliyah // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:13 am

awwwww ino hpow you feel there, i had a time, where my anorexia was so bad i no i had to do something. and constantly i had two opposing voices in my head ”EAT ” and ”DNT EAT U FAT UGLY COW” . but isaw as i ate the voice calmed down, i thought of all the positive things i have to look foward too, for you think of ur dncing future nd how you dont want it ruined.
Would you rather be in hospital or at home sick, and injured and unable to dance, nd wishing you had ate, or be dancing ?

its hard, but you can do it!
47 princess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:16 am

wel maybe you should attempt half a glass of milk at least.
it doesnt matter who you feel close to as long as you are able to open up to some1 thats great
48 princess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 8:30 am

Aliyah has a point hun think positivly and it will be ok : )
we all have our good and shit days bu its worth it in the long run! if we carry on there are so many things that will go wrong you cant have kids your insides fail etc its worth eating to stay healthy better yet your saying a big FUCK U to the voice in your head!
49 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:02 am

yeah thankyou. one of the biggest reasons i started trying to recover was bcuz of the dancing…i was getting to a point where the teachers didnt feel comfortable with me dancing and doing jumping exersizes and things that involved alot of cardio..soon id be sitting out instead of dancing. those voices are exactly what is in my head but it seems as one gets louder saying i should eat, the other one comes right along with it screaming out how fat i am and that i dont deserve the things food can give me.
50 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:11 am

the half a glass idea is a good one.
my stomach is so wierd lately…i get these really severe pains. they sort of feel like hunger but im never sure bcuz they are really painful and sometimes its even after iv eaten something that it comes. i also get them sometimes only like two or three hours after eating, even if it was a good meal..size and nutrition wise. im never sure what to do. if its hunger i dont know why and i dont want to eat seeing as how i just did and i dont want to be over eating. any suggestions? has this ever happend to you?
51 princess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:19 am

take it slow hun it will all be ok we’ll get there x
52 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:22 am

thx. my patience is something i need to work on..
53 isabella mori // Mar 12, 2008 at 11:53 am

hey everyone

it’s really interesting to hear you talk about the voices in your heads.

i’d like to put together a post that talks about ideas on how to deal with those voices. would you people be interested in working together on that?

isabella mori’s last blog post..wordless wednesday morning
54 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 12:03 pm

i would forsure!
55 starcat // Mar 12, 2008 at 1:24 pm

congrats on eating rynelle! the stomach pains might partially be due to your body not being used to digesting food. your stomach shrinks when you don’t eat enough, so part of recovery is stretching it out again (lovely, i know…). that’s why they have you start by eating lots of small meals… it took me awhile to be able to distinguish between stomachaches and hunger, but the more you can eat on a regular schedule, the better you’ll get at it. when you get used to it, you’ll probably notice you start feeling hungry around meal times.

the hunger thing was actually what made me realize i was really messing with my system…when i realized i couldn’t tell whether i was hungry or not i was like eeek.

on a completely different note:
pretty much every woman in my family has struggled with eating disorders at some point. my little sister is doing okay so far, as far as i know. she’s 14, and she’s really interested in trying out dance, gymnastics, etc. my dad’s worried that she’ll end up with body image issues from this…i guess i kinda worry too but i also think she should get to try things. but then she told me she was interested in rhythmic gymnastics (search for it on youtube if you haven’t seen it before). when i looked at the video clips i was stunned by how tiny all the girls doing it are. she’s doing it with my mom and my dad doesn’t know about it so far. i def. don’t plan on telling him, but i’m sort of thinking i should maybe mention something to my sister, although at the same time i don’t know what to say. comments? ideas?

another odd thought:
after years of telling myself i wasn’t eating due to stress, blah, blah, blah, i’m finally acknowledging that i haven’t been eating because i don’t want to gain weight. i guess acknowledging that is kind of the first part of dealing with it, but it’s also pretty difficult emotionally. i’m trying really hard to focus on being healthy instead of being thin, but i’ve gotten used to being small and part of me doesn’t want to change.

and a final thought:
when girls in my dorm who are obviously healthy start complaining about how they gained 5 pounds, i get aggravated.
56 starcat // Mar 12, 2008 at 1:31 pm

wow, sorry i just posted an essay…
57 pincess1 // Mar 12, 2008 at 1:50 pm

essay!!!!! might take me a while to answer all them
58 rynelle // Mar 12, 2008 at 9:29 pm

thx starcat. ur probably right about the pains..i never know wheather im hungry or unable to deal with the food i last ate..its really messed up.
as for your sister as long as she is acting normal i wouldnt say anything to her..who knows if those thoughts might set off something..but be careful. the minute she starts acting strange(luckily u know wat to look for) u should talk to her.
i also know wat the wanting to stay small is like. at dance i stare at myself next to other ppl in a mirror for hours. im used to being the thin, smallest one next to everyone(eeven tho i didnt see it that way) and now im ..well normal sized but it doesnt feel or look right to me
59 starcat // Mar 12, 2008 at 11:34 pm

oh yeah, just for clarification, i’m at college across the country from my sister, and i won’t see her til june :/

rynelle, i totally know what you mean. not that i took dance. but just that i was used to being light when someone had to be picked up to reach something, and being able to fit in small places. and i used to think i’d be more attractive if i gained some weight, and my arms had a little fat on them, and i had like a butt lol, but now that i’m gaining weight it’s basically all on my stomach and hips, which is disappointing. oh well. i keep telling myself that being healthy is the top priority, which it is of course, although sometimes its hard to keep that in perspective.
60 Aliyah // Mar 13, 2008 at 4:59 am

heyy i just need a buit of support
recoverys so hard just now, its such a contant battle
im eatin more and more, and my weight is going up, and its scary. i used to always be the thinnest, and now im moving away from that role.
i just dont fee comfortable in my own skin
any tips?
61 princess1 // Mar 13, 2008 at 5:53 am

hey hey hey!
stop thinking that way right now!
its not about being the thinnest its about being healthy you know that I know you do!
put little post it notes around places where you go for food e.g the frige etc and write positive things today e.g if i drink this milk i will have srtong teeth today.
i know it sounds childish but its helped me when I have been looking into the fridge feeling sick because im scared of eating anything then I see a little positive note and I think hey this is good for me and it helps
try it and let me know what you think.
x
62 starcat // Mar 13, 2008 at 10:37 am

i find that when i start getting freaked out over not being thin it helps to write down things i want to do in life: sail around the world, have kids, go skydiving, learn to surf, have fun, make every day count. when i take a longer view like that, i realize that struggling with an eating disorder is really the last thing i want to be doing. i need my body to be healthy because its functionality is really way more important than its appearance. and i know that i’ll function better when i’m healthier.

the kid thing especially makes me think, because that’s one where you really need all the extra nutrition (especially calcium) that you can get. i want my body to be in good shape by the time i’m thinking about having kids.
63 rynelle // Mar 13, 2008 at 12:41 pm

i know how u feel. its like being a different person from what you were..one who u feel is too big. try not to focus on how the size of your body is making you a different person..think of how the things making you different are ur higher energy, ability to focus, better mood, ability to connect with ppl more, and ur over all health. these are the bigger more important things that will make you a different, HAPPIER person.

just keep on goin:) dont give up, you can do it!
64 Aliyah // Mar 13, 2008 at 2:17 pm

thanks guys!
i can do it, i had a big dinner and everything, and i enjoyed every bite
starcat yeah i wll try that thanks a lot!
65 princess1 // Mar 14, 2008 at 12:49 am

Well done Aliyah I knew you could do it!
66 Aliyah // Mar 14, 2008 at 8:14 am

thnks
i have one question to ask, like im on a mealplan, and its quite basic, and my nutrionist said when my weight stablises they will add more, but my weight is takin ages to stbalise. im jus wondering, does anyone have any ideas as to when it mite? its been about two months n im eating the same things every day yet puttin on weight
x
67 rynelle // Mar 14, 2008 at 11:50 am

im wondering the same thing aswell. its been about a month for me and it feels i couldnt possibly put on more weight..its come back sooo fast. its scary
68 isabella mori // Mar 14, 2008 at 12:16 pm

aliyah and rynelle – are you discussing these weight issues with your doctor, nutritionist and/or dietician? i wonder what they say …

it’s possible that your bodies have quite a bit of catching up to do. i know BMI is a very rough measure of healthy weight but still it might be interesting to see where your BMI stands.

oh and – what other things beside weight are interesting to you? what else could you be keeping an eye on?

happiness? contentment? number of smiles a day?
69 Aliyah // Mar 14, 2008 at 12:29 pm

my nutrionist sid its becuse my body is still getting used to food, she said it will eventually stop.
all my weights gone to my tummy though
my bmis about 16 i think
70 isabella mori // Mar 14, 2008 at 1:09 pm

if your BMI is 16 then you still have quite a ways to go to 18.5, which is considered the lower end of a healthy weight.

yeah, that’s a bit of a bummer when it all goes to the tummy. remember that from an evolutionary point of view, fat protects, in a number of ways. it protects against cold, damage and starvation (e.g. the long winters some people used to have to get through without much food). i recall reading somewhere that belly fat is a better energy storage than other types of fat; maybe your body is just sending it where it thinks it will most likely protect you from further starvation.
71 pincess1 // Mar 15, 2008 at 1:09 am

im sure it only feelslike the food is goin to our tummys in actual fact i think because we’vve starved outselves of fool so much most of it is being used as goodnes the rest i guess leaves when we go to the toilet!
72 worried sister // Mar 15, 2008 at 4:42 am

princess 1- it sounds like you are doing better and im happy! have you ever been admitted to the hospitol? SHe wont go. she has extmremely good grades and is one of the best runners in our section. my mom says its probably better if she goes because then they will feed her. she realizes she has a problem but my sister is to afraid to gain wait. did u go to the hospital by choice or were u forced. she is about 5’3 and a half and 97 pounds. its bad but im afraid for her to go. keep trying and you will better. ik its stupid coming from me but im excited for you to be happy and healthy. i know you can do it!
73 rynelle // Mar 15, 2008 at 2:28 pm

all the weight iv put on has gone to my tummy aswell. iv also been told that my weight will change around a bit as my metabolism gets back to normal. its really discouraging tho..even if i dont eat very much i feel like a fat blob. and yes..my stomach is the most frustrating thing for me
74 Aliyah // Mar 15, 2008 at 2:42 pm

ino how u feel ryanelle, but i try to think that in the end its going to be worth it. our bodies just need to learn to trust us, again. It so used to the restucting and starvation it has to know we wont be doing it again ( which we wont ! ) and then we can look foward to a more normal and faster metablism also for bloating, i eat activia yoghurt, and try not to drink fluid with my meals as this leads to bloating for me, i usually have it a while after.
xx
75 rynelle // Mar 15, 2008 at 11:30 pm

hmm yoghurt? i should try that. thanks. and yeah i often feel as though drinking water after i eat will make me feel less full but it always makes me feel really grose. how long do u have to wait?
76 worried sister // Mar 16, 2008 at 4:59 am

Yogurt also has protein which is a good way to get some protein w/o eating meat. my mom makes my sister eat it
77 Aliyah // Mar 16, 2008 at 11:14 am

ryanelle- usuallyabout a few hours
ive been reallly good followin my mp to the bone this week.
i dnt really feel hungry but i just eat. I feel better after ive eaten.
But yeah eat small bits regularly. it helps speed up the metabolism.
78 rynelle // Mar 16, 2008 at 1:41 pm

what are your meal plans like? i try to eat regularly but it can be pretty hard, especially when i dont have a mp and am really busy
79 Aliyah // Mar 16, 2008 at 1:44 pm

well try and have like carbohydrate and a protein for lunch, so like a sandwich or baked potato
dinner is the same, carbohydrate nd protein, so like rice and chicken or something.
breakfast i usually have one slice of toast nd orange juice with a yoghurt

and i have two sncks of my own choice, so usually like a cereal bar or fruit.

all healthy and spaced out
what kinda thing do u have?
x
80 princess1 // Mar 17, 2008 at 12:51 am

breakfast- usually a yoghurt or fruit
Lunch – sandwhich
dinner – something like a jacket potatoe or yea chicken n rice is v.good vegetable stir fry is also good.
(worried sister i’m doing a lot better thank you)
Aliyah how u doin?
81 worried sister // Mar 17, 2008 at 2:43 am

Is it nromal to gain back weight very fast?
82 princess1 // Mar 17, 2008 at 3:21 am

depends how fast you mean.
83 Aliyah // Mar 17, 2008 at 4:02 am

princess 1- yeah im ok. im puttin on like a pound and a half every week, cuse im eating more and reulgarly, which seems so fast but im ok, cause i want to get better.
how you doing?
x
84 princess1 // Mar 17, 2008 at 4:08 am

yea i’m doing well, I’m putting on about the same
bread and pasta are great gor helping weight gain!
85 Aliyah // Mar 17, 2008 at 8:02 am

awwww thats good
i feel a bit better cause i know im not alone.
ive done well today too, followed mp to the bone
i still feel negtive and fat a lot though. my jeans are fitting better, one part of me is proud, and the other is a bit annoyed for letting myself put on the weight.

x
86 worried sister // Mar 17, 2008 at 2:02 pm

she put ona pound in one day which comletly runined her day. she said shes the type of girl who is going to need to eat grapefruit nad carrots her whole life. she thinks she is diffrent but i dont think so. she is 5’5 and 97 pounds bt last night she gained to 98.5 is tht to soon? she said she didnt even eat alot yesterday.
87 starcat // Mar 17, 2008 at 3:02 pm

worried sister-

it’s totally normal to gain or lose a few pounds in a day, just depending on water retention and how much you eat and your menstrual cycle and that sort of thing. my ex boyfriend’s weight would actually fluctuate 8-9 lbs in a day. most people probably gain or lose 1-4 lbs. one of the problems with weighing yourself every day is that those small changes seem significant, when usually they aren’t.
88 isabella mori // Mar 17, 2008 at 4:47 pm

ever heard the expression, “scales are for fish, not humans”?
89 rynelle // Mar 17, 2008 at 8:46 pm

those plans look good. iv gained alot of weight in a short amount of time too..it can be discourageing. i dont have a meal plan ..everyone just sorta hands me a bunch of food they think i should eat. it makes things really unbalanced
90 worried sister // Mar 18, 2008 at 2:52 am

thnk you star cat. im glad.so the best thing to do is probably weigh in every other day? i hate the scale it ruins everything. how are you doing lately?
91 princess1 // Mar 18, 2008 at 3:17 am

worried sister- you know you may get more information out of your sister by just talking to her and telling her how you feel, for me I realised i was hurting my family and that was a turning point.
does she know your talking to us on here as if my sister had done something like that behind my back it would have made me worse at the time.
Your her family and by talking to her maybe you can swing it round as the only answers your going to find on here are our own personal experiences and they’re all going to be slightly different to what your sister is going through.
Every anorexic is different hun.
please, talk to your sister about how you feel.
92 Aliyah // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:06 am

weight flunctuates so much, you should try and weigh weekly, and get a rough indication of the weight. My weight flunctuates a lot due to water retention.
dont worry about it
Ryanelle you should make sure you have all the food groups included in your diet

im havin a bad dayy today, dont feel too good. we have lots of guests coing over, and i feel anxious. I get wary of people commenting me
93 rynelle // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:38 pm

..i feel the same way today..i cant seem to eat a whole lot. i saw my dietition today and she set some goals for me. it seems like a lot of food and things i need to think about.
aliyah i also know how it feels to be comented on and how wierd it feels..at dance its hard to get away from. just hold your head up high and remind yourself that you have what it takes to get through anything. confidence is everything! as long as you have that, no one will judge u.
good luck!
94 Aliyah // Mar 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm

thank you!
i feel like i can relate to you so much!
i felt really bad after dinner today, its just such a battle everyday, but i guess its one that needs to be won

what are your goals like? and just think of a days food as one meal at a time. Like when you get up think of breakfast only and not lunch or dinner. i find that helps me more
x
95 worried sister // Mar 18, 2008 at 2:08 pm

princess1- i try to talk to her about it but it just makes me upset and i feel like i have to be strong for her. i dont want to cry becasue ia m worried she will not be able to stay as strong. your making me feel rele guilty right now that she dosent no i am using this. i just dont want her to find out. your right. i think i jjust needed to talk to someone about it necasue i dont want to tell all my school friends cause we go to the same school and i dont want people looking at her diffrent.
96 rynelle // Mar 18, 2008 at 3:04 pm

i know. its a hard road. when i first decided i had to change what i was doing i didnt realize how difficult it would actually be. recovery can be harder than the actual disorder itsself. just keep pulling through…for u, for me, for everyone who loves you!
the goals are about certain things and the amount that i need to try and eat at certain times throughout the day. i am all about goals so i get very upset when i cant reach them…im not so sure i will be able to follow totally through with these goals, at least not right away which is pretty discouraging for me
97 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:38 am

just do your best.
try and break up the goals into little bits, to make it seem less. or do half a goal anf build your way up.
dont get upset, look how well youve done so far!
its a tough journey but you will get there
98 princess1 // Mar 19, 2008 at 3:00 am

I didnt mean to make you feel guilty hun
I just think its best you talk to her, My sister spoke to me about it and yes we both cryed and felt down, but at the end of the day it will bring you closer to each other and she’l respect you more for being honest. x
99 rynelle // Mar 19, 2008 at 11:58 am

yeah i have come a long way..just some days it feels like im going right back to square one.
100 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 12:03 pm

aww i know exacrtly how you feel
its like a vicious cycle.
your not alone though, always remember that, and you have the strength withing you to win.

i feel bloated nd ‘yucky’ 2day, just trying to ignore these negative feelings somehow…
101 Heather // Mar 19, 2008 at 1:09 pm

hey… just in need of some encouragment ive been trying to eat as much as i can but it seems to get me no where i just feel awful after i eat and find myself avoiding it more and more which is not good. when i do eat i feel bloated and disgusting i want to get over thinking and feeling like this. ive been tryin to get into see someone but im on waiting lists its horrible .. anybody have any suggestions to help me while im waitng for professional help
102 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 1:30 pm

yeah, its hard, but your not alone
make a list of all the things inur life u want to achieve like for me its going to uni, and thats not possible unless i get rod of anorexia
then every time u eat
think of these and you should feel better
also every time you eat, do something after to keep your mind of it, such as goin for a small walk or sittin on the internet

eat small bits regularly too, and just try to enjoy the taste
x
103 rynelle // Mar 19, 2008 at 1:55 pm

k im starting to get scared…those same thoughts are really taking over the last few days. it seems that im starting to listen to the anorexic voice more and more. i dont want to go back but yet my mind keeps telling me i do. im finding it alot harder to fight it too. the last few days i havent really talked to anyone about how i am feeling either. my closest friends are already kinda stressed with their own stuff and i hate being the extra burden, always complaining. what do i do?
104 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:34 pm

talk back
shout back
say to the voice i will eat! i need to eat! i need to eat to live! wy should i be miserable and hungry!
i am lookin fowrd to my lfie without you

just let it out
but eat. the mor eu eat the more the voices start to go awy
the voices have gotten less for me as i ignore it every day at every meal and snack

its not easy no, but its gott be done

you can do it!
105 worried sister // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:39 pm

your right and we have tlaked a littlte and she said thank you for being so cool about this right now im trying to eat healthy to get in better shape and she is constantly on my back about me eating and im not trying to loose any se4rious weight so idk why shes worried but i feel like since im trying not to eat rele bad foods i am showing her like well your making me eat more then you or shes like you didnt eat a big breakfast so i shouldnt either. i dont want to set a bad example for her and she isnt exactly one to talk about me eating alot or little. i wonder if she hears the voices people tlak about but she still pretty much denies being anorexic. she says she hass “disordered eating” ughh idkkkkk..
106 worried sister // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:39 pm

your right and we have tlaked a littlte and she said thank you for being so cool about this right now im trying to eat healthy to get in better shape and she is constantly on my back about me eating and im not trying to loose any serious weight so idk why shes worried but i feel like since im trying not to eat rele bad foods i am showing her like well your making me eat more then you or shes like you didnt eat a big breakfast so i shouldnt either. i dont want to set a bad example for her and she isnt exactly one to talk about me eating alot or little. i wonder if she hears the voices people tlak about but she still pretty much denies being anorexic. she says she hass “disordered eating” ughh idkkkkk…..
107 rynelle // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:51 pm

im trying to say those things and it works for a second but i cant seem to really over power the bad thoughts. and to get myself to eat is even harder
i dont wanna ruin things now. but now is also the time when ppl are thinking that things are better with me and they dont have to worry so much since im at a normal weight again. i hate being a burden but having ppl focusing does actually help weather i want it to or not.
108 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 2:54 pm

dont think about others just now, jus think bout how you feel just now
jus keep doing
picture urself, ill , hungry, cold n isolated
and say well if i dont eat thats how im goin to be forever.
theres are for us, only benefits to eating.
ino its so so hard, but just keep trying
each day at a time
it’ll get easier at it goes
uno theres books n stuff about peoples own journeys thru their recovery, mybe that will help?
x
109 rynelle // Mar 19, 2008 at 3:05 pm

okayy.. thanku so much
ill keep trying. i know i cant give up. and ur right, being that way isnt worth it. i just want the voice to go away and let me be me.
110 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2008 at 3:07 pm

it will eventually. just going to take its time, its goina fight hard
im goina get the name of the book that my counceller recomondedn i’lllet you know
its just about a womens own personal revoery story, but think it’ll be a gd help for both of us
sumtimes i just need to read, n feel tht imnot alone in this, and there are soo many people going thru the same thing.
x
111 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:51 am

Hey everyone! I just want to say how impressed I am with this website! As a 16 year old currently working on my recovery of anorexia, I can honestly say how great it is to find a website that is supporting recovery. That being said, I really do need some help, encouragement, and support in my own recovery. I have struggled with my eating disorder for about 3 years now, and this 3rd year has been completely focused on recovery. I never imagined how much stress, frustration, hopelessness, and unhappiness recovering would bring about. For about 6 months now, I really feel like I really come to a stand-still in my recovery. Physically, I am about half-way recovered, and mentally… well that can change from day to day if you know what I mean. I saw a therapist for a year, and that seemed to do NOTHING to help me. My biggest problem now is that I am CONSTANTLY thinking about food, calories, what I am eating, etc. It has become like ocd and consumes my life. I have strict schedules for eating and plan out my meals before I eat them. I feel so stuck and alone. My anorexia was mainly brought on by a rebelion towards my parents. I still feel like recovering would only be giving in to what they want. I am afraid of them seeing me recover since I know its want they want to see. I don’t feel comfortable at home and am basically miserable. I have no one to talk to about this other than my mom, and trust me, that’s not a good thing when she’s one of the reasons I’m hanging on to this. My environment (home) is such a block for me!! Please!! I need some help and support!! I just want to get rid of these thoughts!
112 Aliyah // Mar 20, 2008 at 6:54 am

heyy yeah it feels good to share ur story doesnt it
your doing well though,half way there all i think about is food, what im eating and how mny body looks too.
do u go to councelling or anything?
113 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:51 am

not anymore… that really didn’t seem to be helping me at all after going for one year. its just that ive been ‘halfway there’ for 6 months!! and my mental thoughts just seem all over the place! it gets so frustrating sometimes. and i really don’t trust my mom to talk to her and we really don’t get along, so its so hard to deal with everything without support.
114 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:54 am

ive heard that most people have at least one friend who they can talk to about this and trust and gives them support or whatever. but for me, i honestly don’t have ANYONE! augh! it gets really tough not having a friend in this!
115 Aliyah // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:57 am

heyy
i dont really have anyone
and half wy no matter what is a huge achievement, least u hve come this far!
i dont have one person i always go to for support, cause i dont feel anyone truely understands
you could maybe try a different counceller? it might be you just didnt click with the one you had.
what about the doctor, she was the person i first confided in, and helped me all along the way.
x
116 Heather // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:10 pm

im having such a hard time right now in need of someone to talk to it seems like all my head can think about it food and calories i hate it !! Is there a book anyone can recommend for me to read ive heard of some names but i cant remember them :S i just need some positive encouragement it sucks not having anyone to talk to about it!
117 Aliyah // Mar 20, 2008 at 1:18 pm

talk to anyone here.
i know what ur going through today, why dont u try writing down every day how you feel at all points of the day
try think of other things as much as you can, what hobbie do you have ? pay attention to them. go to the cinema with sumone for bit
also try the something fishy website, thats gd for tips and stuff
x
118 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 20, 2008 at 4:00 pm

thanks… yeah it gets soooo hard sometimes. well lets see, today i was just so frustrated and stressed out. my mom has become almost unbearable at times. she acts so stressed out about my problems, but doesn’t show me any support. i tell her that i need her to be strong for me, but i dont think she understands what i need. i tell her that this is my issue and my problem that im dealing with, and that it doesnt help to have her stressed out, but she definitely makes her frustrations obvious to me. im on spring break now, so that means ever longer days having to deal with this. my second oldest brother is also home from college, and he really never understood thing whole eating disorder. so having him thrown into the equation is a hindrance for me as well. i honestly make a huge effort not to say anything or complain about how difficult his presense makes things for me, but my mom fails to notice this and just focuses on how i spend way too much time in my room. she doens’t understand the sacrifices i have to make and how often i give in to make her happy. i get no empathy from anyone at home. today was pretty hard on me because i really felt bloated after lunch. i have a cold so im drinking a lot of fluids… add in my bagel for lunch and… waaahhlahh… you have a bloated and unhappy me!! that alone can ruin your day at times. luckily, ive gotten over being obsessed by the scale, but it seems like whenever i feel big/fat, i have the urge to weigh myself (i didnt, dont worry). but its really hard to remind myself that its just bloating, it doesnt matter, etc.

hmmm… hobbies… wweellll honestly? food/weight/eating/all that crud haha. so it seems… i think you probably understand where im coming from. but yeah, um i like reading, writing (not journals though omg ive tried), music, tennis, knitting, fashion, yoga, SHOPPING lol.
ya know, id love to go to the movies with someone… but i run into the problem that i actually don’t have anyone to go with.
augh, maybe you guys can help me sort out these thoughts
119 Aliyah // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:23 am

heyy
thts very insightful,. but you know i feel the exact same sometimes. my mum doesnt understand sometimes, im like im having a really bad day mum, and she jus says well do something to keep ur mind off it.
everytime u feel bad write it down, and write how u feel. sometimes reading it helps.you shouldnt weight urself, when i first started recovery, i weighed myself about 7 times a day, and it always flunctuated, with water and stuff and i used to freak out. now i dont weigh myself except for when my therapist does.
as with the social situation, anorexia isolated me, i became distant from most of my friends, but i can see as i am gettin better, i want to go out more n stuff so go online, make sum friends. something fishy website has chat rooms and stuff

i had a really filling lunch too, and i feel bloted but im keeping my mind of it, bycoming on this.
some of ur hobbies u dont need anyone, like kniting, listenin to music reading., lose yourself in music about ur family n stuff why dont u write a letter to ur mum, sumtimes its easier to say what u want in letter, i found that .

give it a shot, nd keep going, ur doingbrilliant!
x
120 rynelle // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:37 pm

hey heather..i TOTALLY understand where you’re coming from. i am 15 and recovering and i have that same home environment, except im an only child of a single mom, and the two of us do not get along, never have. it is definatly the biggest part of over coming this ed. sometimes being at home and having to deal with my mom just brings me back to phase one, u know? it sucks when u know that the most support should be coming from your family but yet thats just not happening.
with the bloating i find that it actually helps being around someone..someone you’re comfprtable with. if you can be around this person and feel happy and ..well the most like the real you without the ed, then it doesnt really matter if you’re a bit bloated bcuz they love you anyway and in the end it’s sorta worth it bcuz you may be bloated for a little while but you have energy! energy to be you!
we’re in the same boat..keep trying! seeing you succeed will help me and so many others do the same.
121 rynelle // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:39 pm

and aliyah..thanks so much, that book would be great! …my councellor doesnt seem to be helping me. i never feel i get anything out of the sessions
122 isabella mori // Mar 21, 2008 at 5:52 pm

rynelle, have you told your counsellor that the sessions don’t do much for you? maybe something to talk about?

i use a 5-point form with my face-to-face clients where i ask after each session whether it worked for them. wonder whether that might be helpful.
123 rynelle // Mar 21, 2008 at 6:04 pm

well i feel kinda wierd with my councellor, which probably doesnt help much, cuz my mom knows her through work so i feel like i have to be extra polite and act how i would with anyone else my mom has worked with..
124 isabella mori // Mar 21, 2008 at 9:47 pm

oh oh oh … have you talked to her about that? you know it would be totally and utterly unacceptable and unethical for her to talk to your mom about ANYTHING that goes in the session, right?

here in canada, a therapist who does not guard confidentiality could get a serious reprimand for that and in a lot of places, could lose a job over it.

even so it doesn’t sound like that’s a good fit for you. can you get a different counsellor?
125 rynelle // Mar 21, 2008 at 11:03 pm

well she told me that she is very careful with the file and with what she says to my mom, yes. but i think a lot of the underlying problems are to do with my mom and what has gone on with us. its hard for me to just say that to ppl who are counselling me, normally i just work off of the questions that they ask. since she has met my mom she wouldnt think to ask about our relationship bcuz on the outside it seems fine(even though my mom talks for me most of the times we are there together). i also dont think she would really hear and understand what i would be saying. i kinda feel as though she doesnt really take me seriously. i have also learned to just give up on tryin to explain to ppl how our relationship really is, after they have met my mom they dont think its possible.
my mom has also worked with all the other counsellors who work there..we had to search just to find one who she didnt know really really well..
but i agree. i feel like somethings not quite right for me
126 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 22, 2008 at 8:04 am

hey rynelle! omg yes, i know exactly what you mean about just being around my mom making me feel like im relasping in terms of mental thoughts!! it’s really hard because she always says like “how can you not know that i support you?” and “what do you mean, you don’t feel my support?” well how am i supposed to feel it if she never says it??? augh!! the only time we talk about it is when we need to change something in my recovery plan, and it always turns into a fight. i’ve tried just talking to her about this and voicing my feelings, but she gets REALLY stressed out and never seems to respond correctly to me. she doesn’t understand that all i need is someone to bounce my thoughts off of so i don’t go crazy. but she totally makes the whole deal her OWN issue, even after i tell her that the only way i’m going to recover is if it is purely my own issue and fought by me! i tend to use the words ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ a lot when it comes to my evironment and the people in it. when my mom is a ‘negative’ to me, it is sooo much harder for me to deal with this ed and feel comfortable with myself. the environment turns into a ‘negative’ as well. my dad is a whole other story that i really don’t want to get into. him and i don’t get along AT ALL!! i actually don’t talk to him anymore because it actually eases my mind, even though he lives in the same house as me. he did and said some terrible things to me during my eating disorder and refuses to take them back even now that i’m over that stage in my life. i guess i hold that against him, but it seriously is impossible not to. i tense up whenever he is around me, especially when im eating… i have actually almost gone into panic/aniexty attacks a couple of times. its so hard to figure out how to recover when everything is this difficult around me.

sorry to hear about your counselor too… to be honest, i never had luck with mine after a year and decided to quit it and am extremely glad i did. i felt that my physcologist was actually making me embrace the ed more than getting rid of it. after quitting, i noticed more and more advancements in my recovery. if things aren’t working out for you, id suggest stopping for a month or two and seeing how things go on ur own, and if nothing seems to be getting better, try another phycologist/therapist/counselor.
127 Aliyah // Mar 22, 2008 at 11:13 am

heyy hope everyones ok
im havina baddd day, my tumms sore, n i hardly had any lunch n jus had a big dinner now i feel fat n yucky

ryanelle, im seeing my counceller on thurs, so i;ll ask her about the book
how are you?x
128 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 22, 2008 at 7:48 pm

sorry to hear about your bad day aliyah… try going for a long walk with a friend or even an ipod. it will get your mind off ur tummy and make you feel a whole lot better
even try doing 20 sit-ups… i know that sounds weird, but it actually makes me feel a lot better sometimes. its obviously not excessive exercise or anything, yet it helps the whole ‘tummy issue’.
or take a long bath, give yourself a mani-pedi, etc. to relax! you deserve it!! don’t think of supper as a big meal… think of it as another step towards recovering. did you like what you ate?? then know that you had what you wanted and ENJOY it!! there is nothing wrong with eating a little more of what you like! thats NORMAL!! its a GOOD thing!! ur doing great! keep it up!!
129 Aliyah // Mar 23, 2008 at 2:20 pm

awww thx! i kinda needed that wee encuragement there
how r you?
xx
130 rynelle // Mar 23, 2008 at 10:38 pm

heather i totally understand! while reading what you said i cant stop nodding my head, i feel exactly the same way. i have had a couple anxiety attacks bcuz of the stress i feel from my mom..and its the same thing..she doesnt know how to react or deal with any of it. i know its hard for her aswell but it seems like our own mothers should know how to deal with their own daughters, right? its frustrating…i was really stressed out the other day and i got into a fight with my mom where she grabbed me by the arms and held me infront of her so i wouldnt walk away..totally making everything worse! sometimes i dont even want her support at all, i wish she could just not be a part of my life for a bit while i try to deal with this whole situation..i think i could accomplish a lot more if i didnt always have to come home to such a “negative” environment.

aliyah..i hope you’re okay, even though you feel your stomach is too full..the rest of your body is loving the extra food! especially if u didnt have much lunch. that is my problem alot..i spend all day trying to convince myself to eat but never actually eating and then by evening i have finally found enough reasons to eat so i eat too much and then feel grose.
and thanku..it would be nice to know of that book.
131 Aliyah // Mar 24, 2008 at 2:46 am

thx ryanelle, im feeling a bit better now
just need encouragement hope ur ok
x
132 rynelle // Mar 24, 2008 at 11:21 am

good. stay strong for the rest of us:)
i was just looking at some pictures of me and my friends from a couple months ago when i was skinnier…it makes me feel kinda crappy even though i know i wasnt happy when those pics were taken
133 Aliyah // Mar 24, 2008 at 11:58 am

ino what u mean
today when i was out, i can see that ive filled out a bit, i mean ive got a long way to go, but part of me isnt proud of it, uno what i mean?
its like why did u let urself fill out
but i suppose i want to be able to jus eat normally
and ryanelle, i guess we jus have to think how unhappy we were then.
but i guess when we;ve reached our goals and targets, we will look the best we ever have
and btw, used u had hard goals and stuff from the nutrionist? how are they going?
x
134 rynelle // Mar 24, 2008 at 2:21 pm

oh i know exactly what you mean. part of me is like why did u start eating when you did..you were doing so well, losing so much weight..i know the voice is wrong but its hard not to hear.
the goals are okay. some days it seems like no big deal and i’m proud when i eat what i am supposed to, but some days i just can’t eat no matter how much i want to want to …if that makes any sense
135 Aliyah // Mar 24, 2008 at 2:30 pm

yeah i totally get what you mean
butt your doing great
my diet still feels so limited, i mean its not like i can jus go out to a restaurant n order anything
everything has so much thought put into it. its so frustrating
but keep up the gd work u shud be proud no matter what
x
136 rynelle // Mar 24, 2008 at 4:14 pm

thanks you should be too! we have both come so far
137 Aliyah // Mar 26, 2008 at 3:00 am

heyy
im jus havin a crappy day i feel i need to vent out
my tummy feels all swollen, n the food im eating seems soo much
n i feel so large n big, n horrible. i feel soo fat i hate it.
my jeans are slowly becomin less n less loose. its not a nice feeling
138 rynelle // Mar 26, 2008 at 10:19 am

hey aliyah
feel free to vent as much as needed
the swollen tummy is something i know well..and no, it is not fun at all.
in this process feeling fat and grose is something that is bound to happen, but just know that you’re not! you are strong and amazing and wonderful! remind yourself of that. try (and i know it’s hard) to not think of your jeans getting tighter as u getting bigger, but becoming beautiful!
You matter to this world, aliyah. stay strong, i believe in you!
x
139 Aliyah // Mar 26, 2008 at 10:24 am

awww thank you
how are u coping just now?
what i hate is howim trying to hard to eat, and then like at lunch times, i see girls not eating anything or eating like an apple, n i jus wanna shout at them, nd say eat properly or your gonna end up worse!
i also hate how all my weights just gone to my tummy and waist

x
140 rynelle // Mar 26, 2008 at 5:01 pm

oh i know. when i see girls doing that i feel the exact same way! and when they are perfectly healthy and thin but are saying they are fat..ugghh it makes me really upset.
i am doing okay..today when i see myself i see a fat girl. hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.
141 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 27, 2008 at 6:43 am

augh! ik what you guys are talking about with the girls not eating lunch at school! it makes me feel terrible about myself sometimes!! its like OMG just EAT something! u are not fat and ur making me feel terrible for eating this huge lunch! that is definitely a stresser for me.

wow i have had an interesting week so far… omg my mom and i are just NOT getting along. things at home are just SO stressful and i just don’t feel like i have anyone to express my emotions and talk things out with! i feel like i am taking steps backwards every minute. my mom just has no idea what to do for me, and i don’t feel like i can trust her anymore. it makes it so hard to be in the same house as her. the two of us went on an overnight shopping trip for my 16th bday from monday until tuesday and i thought it would be a great way to destress and get away, but everything just ended up following me… mostly because my mom was with me, but still! its so hard sometimes!
142 isabella mori // Mar 27, 2008 at 7:37 am

hi everyone … just wondering … if you could say anything to your mom … what would it be? and in an ideal case scenario, how would she respond?
143 rynelle // Mar 27, 2008 at 10:40 am

i understand completely heather! being in my house with my mom is definatly the most stressful part of everything that is going on right now. actually..being around her has ALWAYS been the most stressful thing in my life. when i first decided to get help with this my mom didnt know and the ppl i feel closest to told me i had to tell her and that our relationship would get stronger bcuz of it..now my mom knows and our relationship is definatly NOT better! being with her makes me soo anxious and nervous. i wish she could just leave my life for a while until i have a handle on things and am ready to try and deal with her(sounds mean i know, i dont want to feel like that but i do)
144 Aliyah // Mar 27, 2008 at 10:52 am

awwww im not alone then in my thinking! that makes me feel so much beter.
my T sesstion was gd todaay, i got weighed an it was the exact same, meaning my weight has stabalised n now i have to get my mp increased. scarrrrry thought. and about ur mums, is trying to explain your situation and feelings not any help? like telling them How YOU want them to help and suport you, rather than them doing it their way which isnt seem to be helping.
My mum leaves me too it, and just asks every now an then how i am, how im eating, how im feeling… which i find the best way.
145 rynelle // Mar 27, 2008 at 9:26 pm

yeah i wouldnt mind it as much if she sorta stayed out of it and then asked once in a while. maybe then i might not mind talking about it more with her, but i hate always being watched and critisized…and alot of the things we fight about dont even have anything to do with eating, i know they are BECAUSE of it(though she says they’re not) but they arent ABOUT it
146 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 28, 2008 at 9:35 am

see the thing with me is that my mom kept asking what she could do to help me. so i told her… i said to listen when i want to talk, not to critisize, to not contradict me when i’m talking, to try to do things in the environment to make it more comfortable for me, to be someone i can just goof around with, etc… so she said YES i can handle each one of those every time i would ask her (i only asked one at a time and waited for her do each). but the thing is, she NEVER came through for me. id ask her ‘mom can you handle doing this for me?’ she’d say ‘yes i know i can. i can do this for you.’ but she NEVER does. she just stays with her old ways. so now i honestly have NO trust in her word. that makes it impossible for me to talk to her, if i don’t trust her. so now i asked her ‘ok mom, so what CAN you actually do for me? what CAN you handle?’ and she keeps telling me that she has no idea what i need. its like an endless circle of frustration. i feel like im getting no where in recovering from my eating disorder and only trying to fix things with my mom (which isn’t even working). at this point i am just so stressed and frustrated with her! ive had it!
so rynelle, i definitely understand where you’re coming from when you say about the fights ‘because’ of it, not ‘about’ it anymore!! its such a stress!
and aliyah… whats a mp? srry im not too good with termonology… hehe
and yes… i try to explain the situation to her alllll the time and tell her what she needs to be doing, but she just doesn’t understand. i dont know where to turn!
147 Aliyah // Mar 28, 2008 at 3:11 pm

hey a mp is a meal plan
148 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 28, 2008 at 5:39 pm

oh ok lol srry i didnt know. wow, that must be scarey for you! feel free to vent… ill listen ! ik how hard increasing can be, but just think, every time you increase, you’re that much closer to finishing this crap and getting on with your life!! ik it seems impossible, but try to think of it as an accomplishment. your doing great and staying in charge of those bad thoughts!! U ARE IN CHARGE! yay!! good luck and im here if you ever want to talk!
149 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2008 at 3:24 am

awwww thankss !
yeah im ok, i feel mor ein control as i get better n better
so far ove put on 8 pounds, and i feel better. still a long way to go yet!
what about you, like weight wise how far have u gotten? just keep reminding urself, of what ujust told me, when u have a bad day ok
hope ur having a gdday today, u deserve it
x
150 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 29, 2008 at 7:01 am

well to be honest… ive basically been half-way recovered weight-wise for almost a year now. i just can’t seem to push myself to keep going, especially with everything else going on that im struggling with mentally with this eating disorder and with my parents. for me, its a accomplishment right now just to be able to maintain. its not that i DON’T want to recover physically, its that it is too much for me to handle both mental and physical issues right now, so i guess i’m focusing on mental as long as my weight isn’t a health scare now. I was at 70 pounds just a year ago, so trust me, ive come a LONG way lol.
151 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2008 at 8:36 am

awww yeah i totally get you, its a longgg process, but like u sed uve come such a long way, n uve done AMAZING, just keep maintaining. u will get there one day
im always here for any time u need encouragement and that,
how are u today?
152 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 29, 2008 at 8:58 am

i guess im ok today. my parents are out of town so i’ve got the house to myself today. its such a relief. but honestly, i still feel their presence. that probably sounds weird, but it still feels like they’re here and i don’t want to do anything differently or work on anything for helping myself. its so hard to recover as a teenager because of having your parents constantly looming over you. more than anything, id just love to relax for once! but yeah, otherwise i guess today is an ok day for me… just dealing mainly with ‘mom’ problems right now.

how about you? everything going ok?
153 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2008 at 9:17 am

yeah ino what u mean, im a teen too, how old aare you?
im 17, nearly 18. i think u shud relax! just have a nicee long bath, use sum candles that kinda thing.
my day was fine yeah. feeling hungry quite a lot now, jus waiting to see dietician to get my mp increased.
154 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 29, 2008 at 11:48 am

yeah, i just turned 16 last week… and got my driver’s license hehe! dont worry about the feeling hungry… thats good!! it means ur body is adjusting correctly to the food! it honestly is a good sign. think of how our bodies acted before when we NEVER felt hunger or when we just started putting and weight and were CONSTANTLY stuffed. that was NOT good. but your body is obviously doing great in its recovery!! when do you see ur dietician? how often do you have to go to her?

and i think i just might try to relax! lol i think snuggling up with a good book and candles sounds perfect!

but now think of it this way… if your almost 18, that means u are almost out of ur parent’s shadow. think how great that will feel and how much that will help u!
155 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2008 at 12:03 pm

yeahh
ermm i see my dietician about once every two weeks, and same with my counceller. I dont find councelling a great help, but it gives me a wee motivation boost and stuff. I really have to keep getting better, cause i plan to go to uni this year, so i want to be fighting fit
hope u have a nice nite relaxing n stuff.
x
156 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 30, 2008 at 5:24 am

thats great that your so committed to recovering! trust me, with that attitude you will have NO problem fighting this and moving on with your life!

so what are you thinking about studying at uni?
157 Aliyah // Mar 30, 2008 at 10:57 am

awww thanks
im going to be doing Psychology, i wanted to do clinical and help other girls with eating disorders, but im not sure just now. psychology anyways

what about u, what ar u doing jus now?
x
158 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 30, 2008 at 11:36 am

im actually taking a psychology class this semester at my high school. the whole field is pretty interesting. and with having this disorder in your past, you will without a doubt do great in that area! ik how you feel with helping other girls with eating disorders… you really want to and think you could really help because you can obviously understand them, but it would be difficult to handle at times and you’re just not sure you want to put yourself through this again. id say just look deep into all the aspects of psychology and take advantage of all the psych classes your university offers and see what fits you best! maybe it will be eating disorders, but maybe you’ll find a whole new area you never even thought of!

for me, ik im definitely doing something with english/writing. personally, i’d love to be a fashion journalist, but they get paid like crap lol. im #1 in my sophmore class of 290 kids, so i keep hearing how im wasting my mind on something like journalism and how i should be a heart surgeon or go to harvard for law lol. it gets pretty tough to deal with that, but im hanging onto my gut feeling and sticking to my writing.

how are things going for you today?
159 Aliyah // Mar 30, 2008 at 12:31 pm

awww gd for you! stick to what ur good at, stick tyo what u wanna do!

yeh not bad, had a nice dinner n stuff. the thing with me is im so short, i dnt really look as thin, as maybe sumone really taall n my weight, so people dnt percieve me as anorexic sumtimes whoch is gd. but like my frend sed to me today u look lovely, dnt change.
and its like i have too…

what about you?
160 rynelle // Mar 30, 2008 at 8:23 pm

wow..its so great to see your guys goals for the future..or at least what you are thinking about. its motivating.
161 Aliyah // Mar 31, 2008 at 2:02 am

awww thats good
wht are ur goals and stuff for the future? how are you?
162 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 31, 2008 at 2:14 pm

wow… thats GOT to be hard on you to hear your friend tell you not to change!! but just stick to what you’re doing… u ARE doing the right thing by keeping going!! only YOU are going to know what’s right for yourself, so don’t let others get to you.

for me, i have people telling me that i am looking so much ‘better’ and so ‘healthy’. for me, that’s the hardest part… because i think there will always be a part of me that says ‘NO! you don’t want to be better or healthy! you don’t want to look like that again!’ its so hard because i really feel like have nothing going for me in my life at this point, whether i recover or not. i come from a VERY conservative town/school and this eating disorder has caused me to become a complete outcast. i will never get to experience a normal teenage life, whether i recover or not. so a lot of times, that just really seems to hold me back because this eating disorder has become a part of my life… without it, i would have NO life. and my family obviously knows all about this eating disorder, so i am so prejudged with them. it just really gets hard to deal with!
163 Aliyah // Mar 31, 2008 at 2:20 pm

omg ino what u mean about the voice. its liek if i put on a pound, i fel secretly anoyed an angry. like why why are u doin this

awwwwwwwww but uno deep inside, the thing that u have going for u is personal satisfaction.
to prove to urself u can do this, cause u can
jus think having a lif without an ED is what u have to look fwd too. so u can make new frends, be able to go out to dinner n stuff

im havina crappy day, ino this sounds so weird, but i had sum liek buble gum, like a a couple of bits, at nite , n i feel like ive eaten too much:S like omg extra calories for no reason. its not on the mp y are u havin it

its odd
hope ur havin a gd day
164 *HeAtHeR* // Mar 31, 2008 at 5:48 pm

don’t feel that way!! you aren’t alone!! trust me, its totally normal to feel like that! it CAN get overwhelming sometimes. thats why i HAD to stop will mp. now, all i do is on sunday write down my one main item for each meal/snack for every day for the week and allow myself to fill in with whatever i want to get in what i need when the time comes to have that meal. that way, i am being more normal about it, choosing what i want in the moment, and not hating myself for having want a actually want. maybe you should consider something like that. but yeah, i have definitely felt that way, and often. like ‘omg why did i stick that piece of gum in my mouth’ or ‘why did i have that mint’. its going to do absolutely NOTHING to me, but yet it BUGS me like CRAZY!! but TRY not to beat yourself up about it. seriously, just go for a walk, do some sit ups or jumping jacks, at then get busy with someone else or something else… distract yourself. ik how hard it can get, but thats just something we’re gonna have to deal with i guess. all we can do is make the best of it!

and thanx so much for the encouragement. its just so hard to find it in myself sometimes. and ya know what? we can be friends right now, AND when this is all over !

try to enjoy the rest of your night! what time zone are you in? lol im in central… i live in Wisconsin (augh i hate it here… we have a winter storm tonight… in APRIL!)
165 rynelle // Mar 31, 2008 at 9:31 pm

my goals? well its funny..im really into psychology as well but idk what kind of job i would do with that. theres also always a part of me that wants to do something with dance but its extremely hard to make a good career out of being a dancer so i cant really set my mind on that. there are tons of things i love and am interested in i just dont know wat kinda job i would be good at u know? im not sure what i am going to do
166 Aliyah // Apr 1, 2008 at 6:38 am

ohh err time zone i dunno! hahah
ermm i live in glasgow in scotland if thts anyhelp!
yeah defo, we can help eachg other n stuff
u have msn ?
ryanelle yeah ino what u mean, aree u more creatove or academic?
x
167 rynelle // Apr 1, 2008 at 8:53 am

both really..i have top grades but i’ve always had a thing for the arts. i love dancing, singing etc. but i have much less of a chance making a good career out of that. following through with academics seems like it makes the most sense.
168 Aliyah // Apr 1, 2008 at 9:09 am

yeah ino what u mean
but u can always have your creative arty bit on the side, like keep going to dance lessons n stuff. maybe teach them as en extra.
how have u been anyway?

i jus had dinner, feel soo fulllll. jus washin it down with sum tea, and writing on this, to help me feel a bit better
x
169 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 1, 2008 at 11:50 am

write away aliyah! lol wow… scotland!? guess we wont be running into each other any time soon hehe! but yup i DO have msn. my email for that is purplegirl149@hotmail.com don’t make fun lol i made that email when i was like 7. but yeah, definitely add me, itd be nice to have more of a conversation sometime! r u big into tea?? for me, my thing is starbucks… omg i am obsessed with their frappuccinos. lol when they came out with the bottled ones that you can buy in the grocery store, well lets just say i was totally in heaven. we had a snowday today so NO SCHOOL!! the weather here is just terrible! but what can you do… that’s wisconsin for ya! well be sure to add me! id love to talk online! have a great day!
170 Aliyah // Apr 1, 2008 at 12:28 pm

wow
we jus get a lot of rain
yeh ill add ye
x
171 rynelle // Apr 1, 2008 at 9:04 pm

im doing alright. the last week or so have been kinda tough. but im working through it..its minute by minute really lol
172 Aliyah // Apr 2, 2008 at 8:11 am

yeah just keep up the gd work though.
everyone has their bad days, jus make sure udont feel alone, cause u are not!
x
173 Aliyah // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:15 am

heyy sorry i need a rant
i feel so horrible today, i wentout to buy my bday dress n heardly nything fitted but i still feel so FAT. n i feel like i had wayyy to much at dinner, n its like all i can think about.
all my weights gone to my hips n tummy . n i can see a change in my legs. its gross
174 rynelle // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:35 am

stay strong..push through. i know how u feel. my legs have gained so much muscle from dance and i know its all muscle but it still looks aweful to me. and i have put the most weight on around my stomach..i dont like it at all! and lately i have noticed a change in my arms too:( some people are telling me i look better but i think i look fat
175 Aliyah // Apr 2, 2008 at 11:03 am

I know EXACTLY how u feel
my mum sed u look much better, now, much healthier
n i just smile
butt deep down inside im like aaaaaaargh i hte myself.
but we cant let anorexia wwin right!?
176 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 2, 2008 at 2:15 pm

NO! never let the anorexia take over again! YOU ARE STONG AND YOU ARE IN CONTROL!! you are NOT fat!!! all that your seeing is muscle and healthiness!!! you are beautiful and dont let anything make you think otherwise!! keep up your strength!! keep fighting!! you WILL win!!
177 Heather // Apr 3, 2008 at 4:13 am

hey guys been a while since ive posted anything … i kind of just read your guys conversation and get inspired to stay on track with my eating and realize im not alone .. let me just say that you guys are truly inspiratonational , reading what your going through lets me realize that im not alone and that what im feeling is not completley abnormal. just a question is there anything that you guys could recommend for rebuilding muscle ? ive lost so much muscle and need to do something to get it back i was thinking along the lines of yoga or pilates ? sound good or is there something better?
178 Aliyah // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:45 am

hey heather, sorry about msn last nite my internet cut me off, so n i culdnt get back on. just in cse u thought i was rude…

yeah defo just keep going, u are not alone, n u are in control!

no idea abot muscle though sadly, google it?
x
179 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 3, 2008 at 2:09 pm

hey heather! (like ur name hehe). about ur muscle question… your body definitely will have to build up muscle before you put on ANY fat. so some helpful hints are to eat lots of protein and HEALTHY fats which include the unsaturated fats polyunsatured and monounsaturated (avoid saturated whenever possible and cut out trans fats). some great sources are any nuts, cashews, peanut butter, and ensures (a nutritional drink).
as for exercising… yoga and pilates are both great (i actually did both of them) as long as you dont get too strenuous with them. if you get out of breath, you are working too hard and u actually will NOT be helping urself in ur situation. so in other words, cardio is not good right now. try lifiting weights (start with 3 or 5 pound dumb-bells), doing lunches, squats, crunches, donkey kicks, and going for walks!! all great!!
180 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 3, 2008 at 2:15 pm

i meant to say lunges at the end… not lunches lol
181 Debrah // Apr 3, 2008 at 6:37 pm

I am a fifty year old woman who has had an eating disorder for 36 years. I finally sought treatment two years ago.

I was always clinically depressed and my GP tried numerous medications from the Tricyclics to SSRI’s to SNRI’s. They worked somewhat, but I still felt I was swathed in cotton.

This feeling became the status quo for me.

When I started on Nardil, I had my doubts. After about five days, a sudden flicker, if only for a second, occurred.

Clarity. Then gone. The next day, a little more then a little more.

Within two weeks, I felt alive. And I cried for such a long time. It was as though all those feelings I had not ‘felt’ came out.

The side effects soon caught up with me. While the dietary restrictions I can live with, the medication caused edema. I was so frightened the Doctor was going to take me off the medication.

Instead, she dropped it in half and added L-Tryptophan to increase the effects but minimize the side effects.

I cannot recall the last time I purged. I do, however, struggle with Anorexic thinking. I am now aware of it, whereas before I was not.

I cannot be in a room with a lot of food still. It is not that I worry that I am going to binge. In fact, I lose my appetite (a learned behaviour that is difficult to change). I just think there is so much food and it is overwhelming to see.

I have social issues as well. I am a beautiful woman that looks very much like Betty Page and I get asked out on a frequent basis. However, I just cannot do it. I get anxious and worried and work myself up.

These are the things I am working on in therapy and I will be starting Group this month.

The other thing I do is give discussions to Med Students, Psych Students, Nursing students, Dental Students and Dietary students.
182 Aliyah // Apr 4, 2008 at 12:51 am

awwwwwwwww wow, thats amazing, u giving discussions, doing something so positive.
how about councelling?
I get anxious nd really worried soo esily too. Im just hoping its something thts going to gradually fade.
did you go through like bulimia and anoreixa?
183 rynelle // Apr 4, 2008 at 8:56 am

ugh today isnt such a good day..have no appetite at all. but somehow i keep managing to force myslef to eat. im getting stronger i think but sometimes i get sooo mad at myslef for it. its like i dont want to be able to fight it.
184 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 4, 2008 at 1:54 pm

hey rynelle… don’t get down on urself! think how far you’ve come!!! you’re doing AMAZING and you are WINNING!! you’re fighting and coming out STRONG!! you DO want to fight it!! think how horrible your life was before this! you DON’T want to go back to that!! you are SOOO strong!! no one but us can understand how strong and what we go through to fight this, but WE know. and we will continue to fight and get beyond all this. you’re doing amazing and dont back down!!
185 rynelle // Apr 4, 2008 at 8:54 pm

thankyou:) just that helps alot.
i feel like im about to break down and start crying all the time! i hate it soo much. i just want things to be fixed and for me to be able to live without this problem
186 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 5, 2008 at 6:37 am

augh! i COMPLETELY understand. i just want to be NORMAL!!! i dont WANT these thoughts anymore!!! i just want to move on with my life! but the only way we can do that is to KEEP FIGHTING! i DO break down crying all the time. its so frustrating!! i get anxiety issues just thinking of being in certain situations and missing a snack/meal or eating too much or whatever!! it takes time to recover and its going to be a LONNGGGG hard road. but we’re in this together and we can get through it!
187 *HeAtHeR* // Apr 5, 2008 at 6:44 am

rynelle… do you have msn or yahoo messenger?
188 rynelle // Apr 6, 2008 at 10:30 pm

oh i know..i get anxiety too! it makes it so much worse when you know that most ppl would never have that much trouble with something that seems so small. so then you’re mad at yourself for being so stressed out about it. and yes, i have msn its ryn114_@hotmail.com
189 Aliyah // Apr 7, 2008 at 3:11 am

hey guys
just keep holding on, keep going. you are al strong and caan do it.
i get anxious too, all the time. but if your worried about missing snacks cause say your going out, or something take something with you. i always have a ceral bar in my bag, in case i get caught up somewhere. just remember you not alone. u are both doing great, and deserve success!

I had a challenging weekend. my 18th birthday, nd i havent eaten properly in days. not intentionally, just because ive been out n about and at friends, and everyone has such different eating habits to mine.
i feel a bit deflated, and i am not lookin foward to being weighed, causei feel i have lost some. a long time ago, that would have thrilled me! but notnow .

x
190 *Heather* // Apr 8, 2008 at 2:04 pm

you guys can’t even imagine how glad i am that i’m not alone in the whole anxiety thing. it is such a problem for me. like eating at a different time or even thinking about missing a snack or meal just freaks me out! i sooooo hope that will change… like REALLY soon. people think its so weird and its so hard to explain something like that to anyone else. they just can’t understand how i feel.
191 Aliyah // Apr 9, 2008 at 10:10 am

i know hwow you feel dont worry
i jus had my bday and my food was ll over the place, but its like its never always goint o be perfect and its just a case of going ok so i will have to have the snack a bit later or eat a bit more to make up for it.
just do what feels right, n try not to panic.
its just how things go
x
192 Aliyah // Apr 10, 2008 at 11:54 am

im havin such a badd day
i feel as if i ate too much
i feel so fat
its like i can feel it all on my body
193 daisy // Apr 15, 2008 at 6:20 pm

hey everyone im back
well i recently developed a binge eating problom…no im not binging and purging…but i am excessivly eating and i cant control it. i need help please does anyone have any ideas???!??!?!
194 daisy // Apr 15, 2008 at 10:52 pm

okay so its 11:51 pm and i officialy had my LAST binge ever
im gonna take control
i dont know what is wrong with me
195 Aliyah // Apr 16, 2008 at 4:31 am

heyy
to stp bingeeing, only put out the food in front of you that you will eat. dnt put out more.
that wy you know what u have to eat, and bingeing behaviours wont develop.
how about also thinkin how bad you feel after bingeing and think, everything in moderation.

small bits of everything
x
196 daisy // Apr 16, 2008 at 10:16 am

yeaj i do feel really bad after a binge. thats a great idea and im going to do that. i think that its hard keeping up with myself. first going on th extream of one thing and now another. i really just want to be a healthy teenager. and im way too young to have gone through all of this

thanks aliyah
your always a help
197 Aliyah // Apr 16, 2008 at 11:34 am

ino what y mean
i used to binge n how i stopped was puttin out what i need to eat.
also jus to think about how bingeing has no benefits. as soon as u eat the calories are abosrbed.
good luck!
x
198 daisy // Apr 16, 2008 at 1:28 pm

i just wanted to say that i found this really meaningful song about anorexia by a band called superchick, its called courage…it was really emotional when i heard it…so i just thought maybe you wan to check it out.
:-]
199 rynelle // Apr 17, 2008 at 10:26 am

i know the feeling of going from one extreme to the other as well. for a short while when i first started trying to eat again thats what happend to me. it seemed to fade out after a while though. it might just have been my body wanting and needing all the food but i never felt satisfied. its not like that anymore but i do find that if im not careful about eating regularly throughout the day then at the end of the day when if i am able to eat i will deffinatly eat more than i should though its not really bingeing. its not nearly as much as i would eat before.
200 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2008 at 2:02 am

hey guys
justa wee motivatgional push!
uz are doing so so well
anytime u feel down and bad just remember its the ED talking.

you are in control of yourselves
201 daisy // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:22 am

im finding myself dieting again…
i hate this mess
:-[
202 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:33 am

no no no you dont need to diet
dieting isnt going to help
chaanging your eating habiits is
what makes u feel like u need to diet? question yourself.
think of how you want to recovered and have ‘normal’ eating haabits
203 daisy // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:33 am

okay so i was reading back at *Heather*s comment and i really understand where shes coming from. having my eating disorder is hard enough. on top of it i have a family that doesnt understand and cant give me some understanding. my mom, no matter how she “tires” cant relax. she always hurts and stresses about me. my older sister is the same way. then my brother, i know he obviously understands but he steers away from the issue and gets angry rather then help me out. suprisingly, my dad is the only one that can usually calm me down. and im a teenager, all of my friends lives revolve arounf eating and partying. and u cant do one without the other. i hope somone can give me some advice.
please :-I
204 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:36 am

i think you should write letters to them about how you feel
tht way you get it off your chest n you can let all your emotions out.

ino how u feel about your friends. the people around me go out get drunk, go out to places 2 eat, and im in my little routine of eating at certain times and feeling awful sometimes.

but you can overcome if you push yourself
life is worth so much more
205 daisy // Apr 18, 2008 at 9:44 am

i think no matter what im always goning to have something in the back of my head telling me i am overweight. i mean i am at an average healthy weight right now and i have been recovering for over a year. but sometimes i just want to turn around. and maybe just being at a healthy weight right now is just “fat” in my “anorexic daisy’s” head. idk it has to grow out of me. i just want to be normal -__-
206 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2008 at 10:45 am

i know what you mean
its jus the ed tryin to be mean! its trying to destroy what uve achieved n dont let it!
u need to say well actually im not fat im a healthy normal weight
argue back to it! u know deeeeep down you are not FAT. Healthy! n that is the way to be.
207 rynelle // Apr 18, 2008 at 11:14 pm

hey okay i was just wondering…has anyone else had really extreme mood swings? like i cant control it. if i used to be in a bad mood i could just find a way to suck it up and go on with whatever i was doing but now it interfears with everything! sometimes i can be really happy and positive but other times im either really sad and on the verge of tears for hours at a time or im mad at myself and everything around me..
208 Aliyah // Apr 19, 2008 at 1:15 am

yeah i get it ALOT ! I feel sorry for the people around me!
its like one minute im happy and feeling so good
then next minute i feel so annoyed and bad and just kinda take it out on everyone

i guess they would just go, as your body gets healthier?
209 *Heather* // Apr 19, 2008 at 6:58 am

yeah, i think the mood swings are pretty common. we have so much going on and so many emotions controlling us that i think it would be hard NOT to feel those ups and downs. it gets so hard sometimes, but we just have to keep our goals in mind and learn to deal with life as it comes.

daisy- ik how hard the whole ‘family’ issue can be. at least you have ur dad to somewhat rely on. i really have no one, but i still don’t let that get to me. i realize that this is the issue im dealing with, and at this point in time, my environment just isn’t going to magically change. im stuck where i am (at home) with the people around me (my family) for the next two years, so i just have to suck it up, knowing that my life will be a lot better once i can get out on my own. i think ive found that the more normal i act and talk around my family and the better i get, the more my family seems to trust me. therefore, they seem to step back, stop making it so much of an issue, and leave it more to me so i can focus completely on myself and my recovery. try telling your mom that it makes it SOOO much harder for you to recover knowing that she is making it into her OWN issue, rather than leaving it up to you to deal with. this is your issue and your concern, and as long as you are in control, she has no reason to turn it into her issue or to worry about you. try it! whats the worst she could say?
210 rynelle // Apr 19, 2008 at 8:43 am

okay so this is normal..good. some people must think im crazy or something! cuz yeah, all teenagers have mood swings but not like this! the emotions are so intense i cant even bare it sometimes. and i have no idea how to control them or get passed them. for that reason it seemed easier when i wasnt eating..cuz then i wasnt really aware of any feelings at all.
211 Aliyah // Apr 19, 2008 at 10:03 am

ino how you feel but its normal!
when do u feel ur moods are worst? when ur hungry? when uve eaten?

mines jus come and go
if i think i ate too much i get in a bad mood etc. i i havent eaten then my moods are all over the place.

i also want to tell everyone cause im prouddd that i made a list of my fear foods and one by one im going to conquer them.
today i ate a full fat sandwich i ddint go buy sum low fat version
n it was pretttty good
but i cnt help it but think omg ive put on loadsa weight but ino its jus anoreixa
x
212 rynelle // Apr 19, 2008 at 11:02 am

mine come and go like that too. i never know if my mood will actually be better if i eat bcuz that can sometimes make it worse.

good for you for being determined to stand up to your fear of certain foods! i find sandwhiches work well for me. they can have everything you need all bundled up together lol and i’ve gotten better at having just regular mayo..instead of light or none at all. it’s a;so really great that you can see when it’s the anorexia talking..that gives you alot more control
213 *Heather* // Apr 20, 2008 at 5:25 am

exactly! don’t think of it as loads of weight!! its NOT!!! all you are doing is fighting a horrible disease and getting control over yourself again! i am so proud of you for handling that sandwich! think how mad the anorexia is!! haha!! you’re doing great!!
214 Aliyah // Apr 20, 2008 at 10:33 am

thanks!
we can all do it!reaally i know we can

how are you?
215 Becca // Apr 22, 2008 at 8:52 am

Im doing a project on anorexia nervosa, do you know any recovered anorexics i could interview?

Please email me back, our project is due in 15 days and we need someone to interview.
216 Becca // Apr 22, 2008 at 8:53 am

Im doing a project on anorexia nervosa, do you know any recovered anorexics i could interview?

Please email me back, our project is due in 15 days and we need someone to interview. Any one interested

beccaschubert12@gmail.com
217 Aliyah // Apr 22, 2008 at 9:07 am

no sorry dont know any recovered ones.
but i dont mind helpin or anything, im currently RECOVERING.
x
218 rynelle // Apr 22, 2008 at 10:25 am

yeah same here. i would love to help out if i could. but again im not recovered, just recovering…will that work?
219 rachael // Apr 22, 2008 at 7:17 pm

hii i need help, i dont knwo if im truely anorexic but since ive been at college i have lost ten pounds and i still feel like im getting fatter….i also have gotten acid reflux because i lost wiehgt i think, i try to talk to my freinds and family but no one understands im so frustrated and confused i need help how do i know if i am truely anorexic and i want to gain wiehgt but i dont….its hard help me please
220 rachael // Apr 22, 2008 at 7:45 pm

hi again, i also wanted to add in that i am 5’5” 103 pounds, but i feel like everytime after i eat my stomach gets huge, i do eat b/c i know i have to but its just so hard and i get so frustrated at time i was wondering that if i start to gain wiehgt again will all the fat just go to my stomach or will it eventually get distributed throughout my boyd, if no one knows that doesnt matter im just looking for someone to talk to and help me and understand what im goign through i always try to talk to my boyfrined about it but he doesnt understand and just tells me to not worry about food and getting fat but thats all that is ever on my mind i think i want to get professional help but its hard for me to talk to people face to face and i dont think itll help,
please get abck to me… thank you
221 Aliyah // Apr 23, 2008 at 1:25 am

heyy rachel, it sounds like u have food isuues, no one can be sure if its anorexia or bulimia, but yeah u need to get help.
i was always always scared too, but i did and im wellll on my way to recovery.
not eating, is never going to solve any problems, and you probably see yourself as fat and you most certainly are not.
you dont want food thoughts to take over your life, so go to a doctor or maybe the school nurse? just someone you can confide in. check out somethingfishy wesbite too. lots of good info on that
x
222 isabella mori // Apr 23, 2008 at 5:34 am

hi rachael, this is isabella here, i’m a counsellor and run this web site. the support here among these people is wonderful, and i, too, encourage you to also check out somethingfishy.org.

agree with aliyah – for now it doesn’t matter what label you give to what you’re going through. what matters is that you’re reaching out – and it’s great to have you here!

making that first step to see a health professional can be scary. if you need support with that, we’re here for you.

i’ll also email you, if you want to talk some more privately.
223 rachael // Apr 23, 2008 at 3:16 pm

THank you both so much!i went on somethingfishy and read a bunch of those games and ill prob even do some, i was in a positive mood all day and did really good today!! ill prob keep posting here it has helped me a lot in just one day haha thank you everyone
224 Aliyah // Apr 24, 2008 at 12:56 am

just kee[ it upp wer all here for you, n u are not ALONE x
225 rynelle // Apr 24, 2008 at 8:09 am

hi rachael. this is a great place, i find it actually helps alot. it’s good you posted! it’s also really great that you have noticed there are some problems happening already and you want to fix them.
the reason your stomach feels huge and full when you eat is probably bcuz you havent been eating normally, or very much. your body isnt used to it right now. it’s definatly not fat though…it’s your stomach bloating. when i started eating again that happened to me aswell. in fact it still happens but not as often and not usually as bad. it will pass but you have to work through it. it sucks, i know but it is completely worth it
good luck
226 rachael // Apr 24, 2008 at 7:04 pm

Hi again, thank you all so much haha yea that bugs me about my stomach cause usually i get in an attitude wehre i go…i need to gain weight and im goign to do it so i usually am good for a coupel days but then my stomach is always huge after i eat like normal instead of nothing you know? so i get discouraged but by you telling me all this i will try to deal and ive been good for two days eating sooo ah i hope it all goes well and this has been helping mee thank you how is everyone else btw? haha
227 Aliyah // Apr 25, 2008 at 6:09 am

well donee!
eat small bits regularly, it works a TREAT. it stops bloating, well lessens it anyways. worked great for me n now i can eat much bigger bits without feelin too bloated. eat yogurts too like activia and that to help aid digestion, and dont drink with ur meals just now, try have some food, then a bit later to have a drink. i found when i did both i got wayy to bloated. and eat slow!

ur doingg greattt
228 rachael // Apr 25, 2008 at 5:38 pm

yea i will try smaller meals, the bloating makes me feel the same old feelings, im afraid im at a low right now….i ate well a whole lot today haha not good and my stomach right now feels hugee…and my attitude right now is that im “fat” and i dont need to gain wiehgt, i find myself a lot of times examining my body and contemplating whether i need to gain weight or loose it and right now i feel like i dont need to gain any and diet or eat less again :/ i mean the day is over so well see how i am tomorrow cause ill try eating smaller meals, i just dont understand why my stomach gets so huge and it doesnt distribute evenly to where it needs to be i want that perfect flat stomach and i dunno whyyy….but im on somethingfishy right now so hopefully it helps and i get in a better moood…if anyone is on and wants to chat i think ill be up for awhile
229 Aliyah // Apr 26, 2008 at 12:33 pm

yeahhh listen, at the beginning, n i guess im still at this stage, all my weights gone to my tummy n waist, it ssomething that passes in time. it will go!
just keep going, dont listen to the voices telling u are fat u re not
today i ate quite a lot too, n i feel fat, n i ws standing examining myself in the mirror n my dad camein and said aliyah u are not fat, only you cnt see it.

x
230 rynelle // Apr 27, 2008 at 10:07 pm

uggh lately i just want to cry..all the time. like i just wanna let everything go you know? but i dont know who to talk to about it cuz i hate putting my problems onto other ppl. its so frustrating! i keep alot of how i am really feeling to myself so its like no one really knows whats going on with me though alot of ppl seem to think they know..idk what to do
231 Aliyah // Apr 28, 2008 at 1:39 am

heyy listen everyone gets days like that, and everyone feels crap, like the world hates them.
write it down? write down ur feelings n thoughts can help sometimes.
why do u feel so down? what is making you want to cry?
teh other days i started cryig for no reason, n my aunt came n just hugged me, and sed crying means ur getting better, it means your on the recovery path, you need to let al ur emotions out.
just a big hug, can go a long way you know:)
232 rynelle // Apr 28, 2008 at 10:22 am

im not exactly sure what it is. i just feel anxious, worried and frustrated like all the time. i do think just letting my emotions out would help but i think maybe im scared that if i start crying around someone they wont care or something. and that would just make it worse
233 Aliyah // Apr 28, 2008 at 12:07 pm

yeah but they do care of course they do. cry or whtever with someone, your close to you. mum? dad? bro ? sis? best bud?
think of someone, and give them a hug.

xx
234 rynelle // Apr 29, 2008 at 11:44 am

thanks i think i will. i think it would help i just need to do it and have a little more trust in ppl..
235 Aliyah // Apr 29, 2008 at 12:02 pm

i just ate a huge dinner today.a fear food- chips n ketchup

i feel so bad and fat n gross but i know im over exagerting my feelings
comofrt me pleasee
236 rynelle // Apr 30, 2008 at 7:02 am

try not to think of it as if you ate something bad. but that you had the strength to fight against that voice in your head. think of all the advantages and great things in your life you get from fighting those fears. if you werent eating you wouldnt feel so full at a moment like this but you would be so miserable and miss out on so many great things. AND you would STILL feel as if you were grose. you’re an amazing person, dont let the voice tell you otherwise. this feeling is only temporary remember
goodluck you’re doing great
237 Jilly // May 5, 2008 at 6:33 pm

Hi
I am in the middle of finally recovering from anorexia. I started trying to about 4 years ago and thought that i had done it. However now i know i havent. I started to see a therapist 2 months ago and i am progressing well at times.
However lately i seem to be getting worse. Food is scaring me more than ever. I don’t know what to do anymore. My boyfriend (who i will be marrying shortly) gets frustrated and doesnt know what to do. He is scared and so am i. People are so supportive but I feel like they don’t know what they are talking about and they don’t appreciate anything i do to try and get better. Even the smallest steps like not purging for a day are a big deal to me but no one seems to understand. Is anyone going through this too?
Take care
x
238 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 7:38 am

yeh im about 5 mtonhs into my therapy, and i havent put on weight in about a month, and i just cant. its like im too scared to keep going.

but its a case of just putting the head down and going, dont let anorexia get to me.
food isnt scary, its neccessary. its not going to do anything, our thoughts are just overblown.
ino what u mean about the steps, for me adding yoghurt to a meal is such a huge thing, but no one acknowledges it.
but as long as you know its an achievement, be proud. be very very proud

xx
239 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 12:36 pm

heyy
i hve a question
currently im in councelling, but i wanna leave i dont find it helpful. my mum says that i dont have a choice, the counceller can decide for me, she has the right to.
is this true?
240 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 12:54 pm

hi aliyah

i will give you my point of view as a counsellor, ok?

when i meet with a client face to face, i ask them at the end of the session whether it has been helpful (i have 4, 5 questions i ask). if there’s a problem, we discuss it.

if the client truly feels i cannot help them, we interrupt or end the relationship. the client is in the driver’s seat. i usually try to see whether someone else can help them better.

in my (strong!) opinion, your counsellor should NOT decide for you, and she certainly does not have the right to do that.

if you’re underage, your parents may have SOME say.

what does your counsellor think?

most importantly, what do YOU think?
241 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 12:56 pm

i dont know, i just dont feel its been anyh help. ive been goin to her for a couple of months now.
i do everything on my own.
im 18, does she have a right?
i live in glasgow, and apparently she says she doesx
242 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 1:03 pm

i don’t know what the age of majority is in glasgow but at 18, pretty much no-one has a right over you.

what do you mean by “apparently”? has she said that to you directly, or has someone told you that?

is it possible for you to write down
- how you don’t find her that helpful
- how you imagine she COULD be helpful

and then share it with her?
243 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 1:06 pm

well you see she keeps saying, that u have to get physically better first,
but that jus does not work for me, i need to go at a really slow pace, n i dont need her to sit n talk to it about it . i dont know. ive never connected with her i guess.
my parents are on her side though
i cant just keep puttin on weight, cause my state of mind is the same as an anorexi mind, i’ll jus end up relapsing this way

what shud i do? my parents are going to think its jus anorexia telling me stop going
244 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 1:18 pm

i’m sorry that it looks like there are different sides.

you are so super supportive here, aliyah, i really enjoy that.

i don’t know if we’ve talked about this already but i wonder whether it would be useful for you to talk to other people with anorexia in your area. have you tried overeaters anonymous? as i’ve probably mentioned before, they are for EVERYONE with eating disorders, not just overeating. they may be able to get you in touch with other people who have been in your situation, and that may get you moving forward . (and it doesn’t mean you have to become part of OA)
245 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 1:22 pm

i feel more motiavted talking on this than a therapy sessions
i just dont think its for me

erm we dont have that here, my therapist told me before.i asked for group sessions with other anorexics but she said there are none here sadly

thanks for ur help though
i appreciate it
246 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 1:35 pm

here are the OA meetings in glasgow. if you don’t want to go to a meeting and just talk to someone, let me know, i can see if i can arrange that.
247 Aliyah // May 6, 2008 at 1:37 pm

thanks very much, over eaters though? is that for undereaters too?
and what happens here?

i wont be going just now, have exams but after i wil check it out i think definetly

x
248 isabella mori // May 6, 2008 at 1:49 pm

overeaters anonymous is for everyone who has problems with food – overeating, anorexia, bulimia, what have you.

the meetings themselves are not to everyone’s taste but it might be a good way to get to know others who are dealing with anorexia.

good luck with the exams!
249 Emily // May 7, 2008 at 4:28 pm

Hi! my name is Emily. i have now been home from an inpatient for 4 months now, and everything is going very well. except one thing. my metabolism is driving me and my nutritionist crazy. When i first got home i was eating like 4000 calories a day, and i was afraid i would have to eat that much for the rest of my life. but now it has gone down to like 800. It just does not seam right! does any one know what is going on with my body. will i always only be able to eat 800 calories a day for the rest of my life?!
250 Aliyah // May 8, 2008 at 3:37 am

firstly, how old and tall are you and weightwise do u still have a fair bit to regain?

your metabolism, will eventuallysettle dont worry
what does ur nutriionist say/
and 800 calories really dooes not sound like enoughxx
251 rynelle // May 8, 2008 at 11:00 am

hey i havent been on very much lately. but aliyah i know exactly how you feel with your counsellor, it’s the same for me. i feel so uncomfortable talking to her. i know that part of recovering is talking about the problem but its not that i cant talk about it. there are some ppl that i can completely open up to and i dont have any trouble saying where im at and how im doing. but when i talk to her my mind blanks out and i feel like i just want to go hide away somewhere. that feeling will last even after the session is over, i hate it! i thought that maybe after a while it would get easier to talk about it, and it has but only with other ppl, not her.
252 Aliyah // May 8, 2008 at 12:08 pm

yeah ino what u mean!
do u have to stay with your counceller though? or do u have the choice to leave when u want?
xx
253 rynelle // May 8, 2008 at 12:50 pm

i have to stay. i think she can tell that it’s not really working for me but she says that we have to keep going. and ive said to my mom that it doesnt seem like its getting me anywhere and that i feel better working on it by myself and having the ppl i trust helping me but she says that counselling is what needs to happen
254 Aliyah // May 8, 2008 at 12:52 pm

yeah same
i hate it
y cnt we make our own decisions?
i get more motivation and help from here than my counceller
but shes like no way ur stayin here till u reach ur final weight
n i have ages to go
hows the weigh regain a stuff coming?
x
255 *Heather* // May 8, 2008 at 4:25 pm

hey guys! its been a while since i posted on here, but i really need support and encouragement. im really having trouble psyching myself out enough to really want this. im so unhappy and i just don’t even want to put the effort into this. i guess i just need some motivation please
256 rynelle // May 9, 2008 at 8:14 am

my weight gain has happened so fast. im in the healthy range now. the ppl at my dance studio said that if i didnt get back to a good weight then i wouldnt be allowed to dance so that was a huge motivation for me! most of my weight is muscle and ppl say i still need some more body fat to be actually healthy. but idk i dont want anymore weight on me:(
257 rynelle // May 9, 2008 at 8:23 am

hi *heather* what’s going on? try to remember how horrible life is being trapped in the disorder. and i know recovery is hard(sometimes it seems harder than just living with the ed especially with all the emotions and everything) but it’s all nessisary in order to beat it. stay strong, you can do it. in the end you will be happy and it will be worth it
258 isabella mori // May 9, 2008 at 8:31 am

rynelle, that’s great that you were able to put some more weight on so fast. sure, it’d be nice if you got to the healthy body fat range soon but all in good time, huh? really cool that you can stay in the dance studio.
259 Aliyah // May 9, 2008 at 9:17 am

WELL DONE RYANELLE!
im proud
keep it up ur doing so so well!
260 rynelle // May 9, 2008 at 11:41 am

thanks guys! ur encouragement helps ALOT! dance has been my biggest motivation, i hope that everyone can find something that will do the same for them.
261 isabella mori // May 9, 2008 at 11:57 am

rynelle – you said it!!!

so here’s one thing that i think a good counsellor does: support people in finding what makes their heart sing, and then in doing it.

i’m not just saying that because i think it’s a good idea. research shows that even when someone is in counselling, 60% of the improvement happens outside therapy. it makes sense, then, that a counsellor should do everything to help someone with these 60%, no?
262 rynelle // May 9, 2008 at 1:36 pm

i agree completely. my counsellor never helped me find that..i knew i loved dance before, it just took some realization that if i kept going the way i was then soon i wouldnt be allowed or even able to dance at all. actually my counsellor thinks im TOO involved with dance and that i should cut some of it out. but i cant do that! its the reason i started getting help in the first place and the thing that helps me get through every single day.
263 Aliyah // May 9, 2008 at 1:38 pm

you do what ur heart tells you to!
in the end you know what motivates and drives you, and if its dance, just you dance!
264 *Heather* // May 9, 2008 at 2:02 pm

idk what’s going on really. i just have such a hard time seeing my life getting better when i am recovered. im still at home and im still dealing with the same issues that made me start this eating disorder. in 2 years i will be able to leave home, but until then, i find it so hard to get the motivation to recover! ik everyone says that just being healthy should be enough, but it really isnt for me. that sounds terrible, but maybe you guys understand what i mean. i just don’t know how to motivate myself anymore!

like rynelle has dance and that motivated her! i just feel like i need something maybe like that, something that i know will be able to make me happy and change my life.
265 Aliyah // May 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm

ino what u mean, but remember sumtimes its jus anorexia talking
i mean think back to when u didnt hve it, and all the weird n crazy food thoughts u never had. u dont want that for ever do you?

im sure there is something thta will motivate u.
leaving skool maybe? moving out n being more free?
266 Li-Li Star // May 13, 2008 at 2:31 am

Hi All
I’m a new visitor to this site and finding it has been a massive inspiration.
Rather than wishing I had found it before now, I am at a stage in recovery where I my view now is that I was meant to find this now not before as this is where I need to be right now.
I have been working on recovery for about a year and a half now and have had some pretty slow periods and setbacks in that time but from all the resources I have found (something fishy, beat, and other recovered sufferers) I know that this journey will be unique to me and take as long as it has to. At the moment I am finding that I have come to a bit of a platuea I am trying to gain weight and have had the support of a nutritionist to do this but my natural ED attitude is to try and do all the things she recommends perfectly thus giving myself a hard time when i don’t! I have discovered I love to eat the things that i avoided like the pleague before (i.e. chocolates, sweetes, ice cream) but then i worry that even though this is going to help me put on weight its not a good way to do it and i’m so scared that i’ll end up going back to old ways, so far it hasn’t happened and reading the posts on here has helped but i just think i need some more reassurance if thats ok?
267 Aliyah // May 13, 2008 at 3:02 am

hey wow
well done so far!
are u close to ur ideal weight now?
and ino it seemsscary eating, and especially eating foods we feared, but its amazing! its just showing that you are beating the anorexia.
i still am finding it to hard to eat certain foods, but im getting there, and will definetly use you as an inspiration.
keep it up
xx
268 Li-Li Star // May 13, 2008 at 3:13 am

I am still a way from a target weight but I am trying to focus on other things so i don’t get hung up on numbers again!
In the past 18 months i have done things i would never have thought possible when i was in the grip of this problem such as quiting the gym (i was over excercising like mad) and i no longer weigh myself, i though these were just token efforts but my friends and family have helped me realise how massive these achievements were in the context of my recovery.
Every day is a new battle but I have to keep my focus on the reasons to keep fighting.
If anyone can empathise with my fear/love dilema with the “unhealthy food” issue i could always do with a bit of gentle reassurance. and if i can help anyone too please ask me anything and i will be honest and as helpful as i can
xx

Thank you Aliyah for your kind and supportive words lets inspire each other on these sometimes lonley journeys
269 gigi // May 13, 2008 at 4:42 am

hi everyone. I’m from australia and i want to get better but i don’t know what to do. i cant do it at home on my one. I was wondering if any of you know of any good clinics where you can actually have a healthy meal plan and get good help because i can’t do it at home. i have been to one clinic but the food was horrible the dietitian would only let as have chips, chocolate, cakes or stuff like that for snacks and all the food was just really unhealthy. do you guys have any healthy meal plan and inpatient clinics where you can eat healthy food. i just want to be healthy and happy. please help me
270 Aliyah // May 13, 2008 at 5:55 am

well i dnt know any in australi, but fone up your doctor, as it ws my doctor who sent me to one in the first place

and ur right in gettin help, go for it and good luck
LI li star- yeh im the same as you in a way, still away from a target weight, but i dont want to focus on numbers either.
everyday i see as a new fight, and in that are baddays and gd days.

every achicvement, is a huge step. for me, i used to weigh myself continuously several times a day, and i feel better now that i stopped it.

keep it up
x
271 Aliyah // May 16, 2008 at 2:11 am

hey guysss
how is everyone?
i need sum encourgement, ive nt put on any weight in agess and i jus need sum motivating pushes.
im stuck in my food routine, n im to scared to break it
272 Li-Li Star // May 16, 2008 at 2:49 am

Hi Aliyah

I know this is not really going to help much but I am in exactly the same kind of boat! I start the week full of determination to eat regardless of the fears and thoughts my ED is throwing at me but as soon as I get to mid week I start looking ahead to the future, where i’m going on any given day if i’ll have to eat out etc and eventually i get stuck in familair food routines! I think perhaps we should start focusing on the present, living in the moment not the future (sorry this is really uselss advice if this isn’t soemthing you do) but i think one of the biggest hurdles i have to overcome is trying to live before my time, i miss the here and now because i’m constantly focusing on the next hour day week month!!
one tip that may be usefull…… I find watching you tube videos from people who have recovered are really motivational and reassuring so perhaps that might help.

Keep fightng you desrve to get better and be well, but don’t feel bad if things don’t always go perfectly this is a bumpy road we’re on but as long as your still driving you’ll get there
xxx
273 isabella mori // May 16, 2008 at 6:14 am

hey @aliyah – we’ve all been lucky to follow your journey here for a little while and i for one know that you can do it. maybe you’ve plateaued a bit – that happens!

one idea you might want to try if you’re stuck in your routine – is there one TINY bit you’d feel okay to change? like, eat one more spoonful of yogurt?

love what you say @li-li star. one day at a time (sometimes it’s one minute at a time). we get so entangled in the future, and it doesn’t really help at all.

one thing i noticed, you say “I start the week full of determination to eat regardless of the fears and thoughts my ED is throwing at me but as soon as I get to mid week I start looking ahead to the future” – what stood out for me that for a few days it sounds like you DO eat regardless of the fears and thoughts your ED is throwing at you. good for you!

it’s friday – have a great weekend, everyone!
274 Li-Li Star // May 16, 2008 at 6:38 am

Thank you Isabella I hadn’t actually looked at it like that before but now you point it out i suppose i should be proud that i am making an achievement for some of the week at least rather than getting hung up on the negatives! I think i’ll give myself a big thumbs up and aim to have a super weekend which i wish too you all too!!
xx
275 Aliyah // May 17, 2008 at 10:12 am

thanks guys and li li star definetly, i know what u mena, and it does help, cause i know im not alone.
i guess its better to day it a day at a time, rather than think, i shud be at this partyicular weight by now.

its not numbers thts important i guess

xx
276 Lise-Ann Brennan // May 18, 2008 at 8:23 am

One day at a time i think thats something we need to keep reminding ourselves of, otherwise who nows what we’re missing out on.

Aliyah I know ignoring all the usual habits of an eating disorder is easier said than done but i promise to give you motivation if ever you need it i think its all to easy to forget how much hearing encouragement from other can really help
xx
277 Aliyah // May 18, 2008 at 10:00 am

awwwwww thank u lisa
one dy at a time
278 rynelle // May 18, 2008 at 10:42 pm

hey guys. i need some support..
i feel as though i really really need to leave this house. it’s already extrememly hard just trying to fight this disorder day to day but trying to do it while living here makes it worse. it seems to be getting worse everyday and i’m afraid that the longer it goes on the more likely i am to relapse. ive been trying to make things work in the house but the feeling and the atmosphere doesnt change..just gets worse. idk what to do
279 Aliyah // May 20, 2008 at 12:15 am

aww ryanelle im so sorry to hear that
just remember it is normal, to feel; like this.
just take a deep breath, and remeber hw far you have come, and how much u have achieved.
now when a problem occurs, u need to NOT take it out on food, and find a diffferent way.
can u talk to sumone? mum? a friend?
whats so bad inm your house?

x
280 *Heather* // May 20, 2008 at 1:59 pm

rynelle- i know EXACTLY how you feel, and unfortunately, i have no idea how to deal with it either. i know for a fact that i cannot recover in this environment (my home). i keep telling my mom this and telling her things have to change, but she just doesnt get it! honestly, i have very little hope for the next two years, while im still living at home, for recovering. i am so overwhelmed and stressed here. it is so easy to get caught up in the e.d. and rely on it and stay with those habits here. plus, no one really gives me the support and whatnot that i need to feel here, yet i hate it because they are all totally aware that there is a problem, so i feel so watched and kinda like im under a microscope. honestly, my best advice is just to keep fighting. right now, thats the best i can do. how old are you?? im guessing you will soon be able to move out, so just keep fighting and keep looking to ur new life! let me know if you can think of anything else to help with this issue cuz im having the same problem!!
281 Sara // May 20, 2008 at 6:38 pm

I’m having an issue, and I wonder if anyone can relate…

I’m a recovered / recovering anorexic… it’s been almost eight years now. I think the central part of my recovery has been seeking God and not making a god out of my body… but anyway, it has helped to keep my eyes out of TV fashion magazines and my body out of the gym. This has always worked pretty well for me, as I used to do worship dance and live in the country where I could enjoy walking in nature without worrying about weight.

I recently left college, broke up with a boyfriend, and moved to the suburbs where walking isn’t a safe or pleasant option. My eating’s been fine, but robbed of exercise my weight just shot up and my mood has been all over the place. Out of desperation, I finally joined a gym, promising myself I would use the time to meditate on Scripture, not weigh myself, and never let it interfere with my social life.

In the three weeks since joining I’ve noticed myself breaking a whole lot of those promises. I did weigh myself, and was pleasantly surprised (bad!). Suddenly I started feeling guilty eating desserts again. Then I stopped covering up the calorie counter… and today I caught myself about to lie to my roommate when I was planning to go to the gym again, even though I knew it would make me late for church.

I feel torn and a scared… like I put my toe in it and now I might be in over my head. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, it helps just coming clean and getting my thoughts straightened out. I know one big mistake I made was to let physical activity crowd God out of my life. I don’t want to quit the gym because I feel normal again (as in healthy-normal, not depressed and lethargic), but I don’t want to make it a priority, either. I have lots more meaningful adventures to live for. Maybe this will help me get back into the worship dancing that I love. Best wishes to those of you who are struggling with this disease.
282 isabella mori // May 20, 2008 at 7:45 pm

thanks for joining our chat here, sara!

tell us more about worship dancing! (better yet – why not do some worship dancing and tell us how it went?)
283 isabella mori // May 20, 2008 at 7:52 pm

hey everyone there who’s having a hard time living at home …

first of all, thanks for supporting each other.

and i know, there is NO easy answer.

here’s a thought, maybe you have tried it already, maybe you haven’t:

you can write a letter to the people at home with whom you don’t get along so well and lay it all out, no holds barred. a letter that you WON’T send. at least it’s a way to get it all on paper. you can burn it afterwards, that way no-one will see it.

after that, you can also try to write a “civilized” letter and actually give it to the person(s) in question. sometimes seeing something in writing is easier for people to grasp.

whatever you do, good luck.

and reading this makes me so grateful that my daughter and i survived these difficult years (actually it was the pre-teens for us that were quite challenging). we are now really close friends. let’s see what my youngest one brings
284 Aliyah // May 21, 2008 at 12:38 am

sara- its ok to feel liek that, certain situations and stuff will make you more vulnerable.
just do not let it take over again. throw away the scales, its not about numbers.
if ur worried u cant go walking, why not buy a fitness dvd or something.
dont give into the ED
x
285 rynelle // May 21, 2008 at 9:58 pm

hi sara. i too am inlove with dance! and i know sometimes i would push myself too hard just for the exersize but in the end i really do just love it for what it is. i used to lie about doing extra exercising as well. i still sometimes will find myself planning out how i am going to fit an extra long run in without ppl knowing. its hard..i feel good and bad about it at the same time.
286 rynelle // May 21, 2008 at 10:04 pm

*heather*- yeah thats exactly how it is!
i feel anxious, stressed, overwhelmed..etc. and yeah..i feel watched too but without being understood if you know what i mean. like my mom for example knows how i have a problem but she really doesnt have a clue what its like. and i know i cant expect her to completely understand it all ..especially when i dont voice everything thats going on but its just frustrating. and im not close with her so i dont feel i can talk to her about it.
im 15 by the way..still have some time to go before i can leave
287 *Heather* // May 22, 2008 at 2:05 pm

rynelle- trust me, i know exactly what you mean. it probably doesnt make much sense to people who dont have this problem, but theres honestly not a lot we can do! im 16, so i know how frustrated you are. right now, ive basically given up hope with my mom. im really just consentrating on myself and doing as much as i can, realizing that recovering is a LONG process, so even these little baby steps i take now will help me later on when i am in the right environment. i think the most important thing for us is to keep with this frame of mind and thinking we have now and not to lose our recovery sort of thinking.
288 rynelle // May 22, 2008 at 8:55 pm

yeah i know what you mean and you’re right. just sometimes it seems easier to just go back to how it was before when i was alot more sick. it seemed like i could handle all the stress better..even though it was probably just bcuz i was so out of it that i was more numb than anything. it just is really hard to stay motivated when im in my house
289 *Heather* // May 23, 2008 at 2:07 pm

so, so true! but let’s stick together you and me will work through these next few years together and stay STRONG! we will defeat this sometime in the near future, and we just have to keep our spirits up!! maybe we could try to be each other’s support that we are lacking in our own homes. id be willing to try seriously recovering NOW with you if you want to try!! obviously we are in the same sort of situation, so maybe we could try this and see how it works my email is hrservi_14@yahoo.com … so if you want to try this, let me know and maybe we can be email-recovery pals hehe!
290 Saphire // May 24, 2008 at 7:21 am

I stumbled onto this website a few days ago when I was looking for support and info on eating disorders on the net. I just wanted to say that this is an amazing site and all of you who have submitted comments on here are very encouraging to me. I am dealing with this crappy ed for a year and a half now and am now in recovery for the second time. It has been almost two weeks since I started on this second road to recovery. I am so sick of living with this. I know I need to get healthy and live a normal life. A person can not be sick their entire life. The only option is to get better! It’s hard though. It seems like each day gets harder, especially when Ana (I call her) is constantly in my head. But anyway… I just wanted to say thank you to everyone on here. You are all trying to recover (and will recover) from this horrible disease and are all so positive! To all of you- we can do it! We can win!
291 Aliyah // May 24, 2008 at 9:59 am

aww thats so nice to hear
we can do it!

im always here if u need to talk or just express any worries
everyone is

good luck
292 Saphire // May 24, 2008 at 3:58 pm

Thanks Aliyah! Today was actually a surprise day for me. On Saturdays I usually go out with friends who eat whatever they want and of course don’t care, and then when and if I give in to a treat like say gelato ice cream (omg-so good:) ) I usually end up feeling guilty about it and then it seems like my whole day is ruined by this tiny bit of ice cream that really I should and NEED to eat! It’s so ridiculous! I know I should be eating stuff like that, I know I NEED to gain weight but its so hard! I have like this picture in my head of what I might look like when I gain some weight but then again, I know it’s not real. Its only the disease.
Anyway- today was the first Saturday in a long time that Ana was not in my head. I went about my day as any normal person not feeling any worry or regret about what I ate. Which is completely out of the ordinary! But the day isnt over so I guess we’ll see. Isnt it aweful how some days are so horrible? Like even the healthiest thing you eat or the smallest thing you eat weighs on you?! I hate that. I spend most of my time and energy trying to push that other voice OUT of my head!!!! But like I mentioned above, there is no other choice but to get healthy. Relapsing is NOT an option. But it’s sooo hard!!! This board of comments is really good though- everyone is on a positive road it seems
293 rachael // May 24, 2008 at 4:06 pm

hii everyone, its been awhile but i read all the time and i just wanted to say i undersatnd complately where your coming from saphire….i think im on the road to recovery finaly because my parents got wroried about me and i went to see a dr friday and she said i have to gain at least ten pounds. im so scared to though…the last two days ive been eating so much that i think i might stop eating good im just so scared to gain wieght i feel like the weight im at i look good…i hate the little voices inside m head because i know they are wrong!
294 Saphire // May 24, 2008 at 6:08 pm

I know Rachael! Its awful- those stupid voices. Sometimes they’re there and other times they’re not and you feel amazing and happy! I feel the same way as you. I sometimes (well often) look in the mirror and I like what I see. And then for a minute I do not want to gain a pound. BUT… then I take a better look and rationalize it in my mind and truly realize that what you and I see in the mirror sometimes (when Ana is strong) is only a lie. It is NOT real. We NEED to gain weight. It will only make us look better! And also, when we eat, we are happy and it radiates on our faces and THAT is truly beautiful. Be strong Rachael! We can do it! I KNOW you will win. All of us will. xx
295 Aliyah // May 25, 2008 at 10:43 am

omg i get that too!
right now, i like how i look n im finding it so hard to gain, but uz have made me realsise im not alone

oh its so hard. ino gaining weight is what i need to do. i want to be able to go out n socialise n nt worry about food.
what i put in my mouth shud not pry on my mind for a whole day! it drives me crazy
but it will go one day
its just puttin up a really gd fite!

xx
296 rachael // May 25, 2008 at 3:39 pm

ah im so glad everyone understands haha and guess what…i got my period today!! im so happy after 3 dyas of eating better and taking vitamins i already feel so healthy and i look in the mirror and dont see someone fat…i hope this lasts!!
297 Saphire // May 25, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Wow! Congrats rachael! That is really great! Im sooo proud of you! If you consistantly eat good food (and of course indulge when you want to ) throughout the day and EVERY single day, you will get healthy and stronger in your mind and I have no doubt it will last Remember- you are beautiful no matter what! If you are healthy and happy the world will see just how beautiful you are! Thank your body! It is strong and beautiful! Keep it up girl!!!
298 Aliyah // May 26, 2008 at 12:54 am

wowwww well doneee!!
keep up the good work ok!?!!
xx
299 Saphire // May 26, 2008 at 8:34 am

Hi guys! I know I’ve been pretty positive since posting on here but sometimes I feel myself slipping. Like this morning- I usually have oatmeal and a banana for breakfast, but this morning I skipped the banana. I know this is dumb. I knew that when I did it but yet I did it anyway. I started thinking about all the food I was going to have the rest of the day and I just skipped eating something that I need and is sooo healthy! this is lousy- I hate feeling like this. I want to eat something and I know I need to but geez- it just gets harder every day it seems….
300 isabella mori // May 26, 2008 at 8:46 am

hi saphire – here’s my two cents’ worth … yes, it would have been great to have eaten that banana but breakfast is over and hopefully you’ll eat more healthy next meal!

the crazy thing is that both not eating the banana and then criticizing yourself for not eating it are the disease in action.

so my suggestion: just move on … you ARE in recovery, that’s what counts!

enjoy the rest of your day everyone! let’s make this a good start of the week!
301 Aliyah // May 26, 2008 at 12:06 pm

hey listen ino how u feel
sumtimes im like that, leaving out parts of a meal
wer not perfect and you just need to push yourself to try and have it, make it more like a routine thing, that u are going to have it and thats it.
like i have set times usually to eat and stuff so i dnt try to skip anything

dnt worry its just a part of recovery
302 Saphire // May 26, 2008 at 2:07 pm

Thanks isabella mori and Aliyah! yeah it is part of recovery- the hard part! But ya routine is good! And I did have a better lunch today And felt really good eating it too like I was doing my body a great favor! xx
303 Shannon // May 26, 2008 at 2:19 pm

Hi,
I’m new to this site and over the last few days I’ve been reading all the entries everyone has posted. It has helped me so much to read through them and know that people are/have gone through the EXACT same things as me!!!

A little about me: I’m 20 years old and have been overweight for as long as I can remember (until recently). In October of 07 I started weight watcher’s with my mom, but only she went to the meetings (I just followed the program). I started losing weight but I was doing it the healthy way (making wiser food choices but still eating plenty). Then in January my family booked a tropical vacation scheduled for March. At this time I joined a gym and started working out obsessively. I quit following the weight watcher’s program and started counting calories instead. I kept reducing my calories each day…its almost like a game to see how low I can go. My initial weight loss goal was to weigh 130 (which is healthy for me…I’m 5’5″). When I was overweight I would have been thrilled to weigh 130 and now I feel like that is so much! Anyway, I got so obsessed with my diet/exercise that I even worked out everyday on vacation and didn’t take advantage of the wonderful buffets that were at our resort (I ate only lean meats/fruits/veggies). Food is all I can think about and I recently started therapy. I started seeing a man and didn’t have any connection with him so I switched therapists and have started seeing a new lady which I really like (I’ve only seen her once so far though). Since I started therapy I have quit working out (mostly because my gym membership expired) but I still restrict my food intake and count calories. I’m afraid that when I eat “normally” I’m going to binge eat and go out of control. I’ve never purged after a binge but I usually don’t eat the next day. My lowest weight (which I’m at right now is 103). I know I need to gain weight but part of me still doesn’t want to. My mom took the scale out of our house so I can’t weigh myself every morning anymore. But I have gone to friends’ houses specifically to weigh on their scales. Reading all these comments and posts has been very encouraging and comforting to me. Sorry for such a long post, hopefully I’ll get the hang of this site soon! I just wanted to say thanks!!!
304 Aliyah // May 26, 2008 at 2:22 pm

awwwww its nice to share ur story

dont worry about it, just take it one step at a time
are u gna get a nutrionist? i had one for a while, it does help, havin a meal plan and structure, cause at the start i found it hardest to eat as i had to go from eating next to nothing to 3 small meals and snacks.
305 Shannon // May 26, 2008 at 6:18 pm

I saw a nutritionist once but then she went on maternity leave and the place i go hasn’t got her replacement yet. i really look forward to seeing another one though because i think that will help me a lot. i just feel like i can’t have a normal day of eating. its either all of my safe foods and restricting or i feel like i eat too much and then binge (and feel awful about it later). today is my dads birthday and we had dinner (i had everything my family was eating) and then we had cake and ice cream. i didn’t have any ice cream and cut my piece of cake in half when no one was looking. i feel really guilty for eating a normal dinner and having cake (even though i didn’t even have that much). i just want to find a happy medium and be normal again! i’m so sick of food controlling my life!!!
306 Saphire // May 26, 2008 at 6:41 pm

Shannon, I know what you are going through. Im 20 as well and it all started out for me as ‘just losing some weight which then spiraled completely out of control.
Its a battle each day I know. But what helps me get through each day and really what changed my life around is knowing that what really truly matters in life is being healthy and happy. I mean there really are only two options- restrict/starve body and be miserable or eat normally and be healthy and happy.
I totally understand that it is so hard to break the cycle of restricting and binging. But you have to know that once you start consistantly eating normally, and yes, indulging in cake or ice cream is part of eating normally , you’re body’s needs and cravings will level out and stabalize and you will no longer feel the need to binge. You can have that happy medium!!! It is hard for a while, we ALL know that on here! There are ups and downs such as my ‘skipping banana this morning.’
But a proper daily diet- NO restricting, is all part of recovery. 3 meals a day and snacks in between is the normal. Eat when you’re body is hungry! When you crave things, it’s just your body telling you you NEED those things. If you binge, dont feel bad. Your body obviously needed to eat afterall it is being starved.
You can do it! I know you can. Healthy and happy And do not feel guilty for eating some cake, think about how your body NEEDED that. It was probably saying ‘Thank you” I know that sounds corny but its true! You have to eat in order for your mind to become stronger and then you will beat this!!
I know this is incredibly long and Im sorry for that and if I sound like Im trying to ‘teach’ you something. But I know as a recovering anorexic, I keep all these things in mind and it does help me! I know I can beat this and you can too
307 Shannon // May 26, 2008 at 6:47 pm

Saphire,
Thank you for your reply! You have no idea how comforting it is to read that! I feel like no one that knows about my problem (my family) understands what I’m going through, even though they try their best. It feels so good to hear someone who has the same problem as me tell me its ok and encourage me!! I will take any tips I can get and am so grateful to hear them. I’m so happy I found this website…I think its going to help me out a ton! Thank you!!!!!
308 isabella mori // May 26, 2008 at 9:16 pm

hello people …

someone just left a comment on another part of this blog but i think it’s meant for you

here it is:

http://www.moritherapy.org/article/wordless-wednesday-morning/#comments
309 Saphire // May 27, 2008 at 8:16 am

No problem Shannon! We are all here to support one another and encourage one another to fight and beat this thing!!! xx
310 Sara // May 27, 2008 at 7:17 pm

oops, looks like I got left behind here…

Aliyah and Isabella, thanks for the encouragement. I decided to take the weekend off (from the gym) and feel so much better mentally. It also just helped to come out in the open and also to have a talk with my best friend about the weight/working-out/boys stuff. I realize I’ve been placing far too much value on other people’s opinions. So I took time out to go to a retreat and play my guitar which I’ve been neglecting for a while.

I used to do worship dance back in college. At first it was a recovery thing because I wanted some kind structured *healthy* exercise that I could just go to and not think about or count calories… then I fell in love with dancing and have used it as an outlet ever since. Right now, though, I haven’t been able to do it as there’s no troupe in our area. I love music, though.

***

Shannon, I can relate to what you’re going through. When I was in early recovery, we didn’t have ABA or support groups, it was my friends that helped me. I would go to the cafeteria with them and literally just eat whatever my best friend was eating. It sounds like a silly idea, but I was so used to restricting, I’d forgotten what “normal” was. My rationale was, this person eats pretty healthy and her weight is stable, so I’d just copycat off her. It worked. After a while of this autopilot eating, I started becoming more in tune to my body’s inner signals. I could feel when I was hungry and when I was starting to feel full… or when I really wanted another piece of chicken. Your body has hormones that regulates your appetite and metabolism to keep a constant body weight. It’s like an internal thermostat, so that even if your food and exercise intake is flexible, your weight will stabilize itself. So the human body isn’t meant to run on a calculated diet. God provided for things like cookouts and late-night chocolate chip cookies.
311 Shannon // May 27, 2008 at 8:25 pm

Sara,
Thanks for the tips! It is really hard for me to realize what a normal meal looks like, and gladly appreciate any ideas/tips on how to overcome eating a normal meal without feeling guilty. I think doing the copycat thing is a good idea and I’m going to try my best to do it. I’m happy to hear that you’re doing better! Its so encouraging to know that people can and do get over this stupid problem!!
312 isabella mori // May 27, 2008 at 8:39 pm

shannon, i like how you call this “a stupid problem” – puts the disease in its place
313 Aliyah // May 28, 2008 at 12:53 am

aww sara well done
just take things slowly, you know you can do it :d

im currenrtly worried just now, my prom i in 2 weeks, and im sooo worried about thehuge meal were gna get there, its 3 course :/
i dnt eat big dinners now, so im really concenrned about it, what people will say, how i’ll feel, i dont want to restrict before or after either i just want it to be a normal meal!
helppp
314 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 9:59 am

Aliyah!!! Awe- Im so envious about you going to prom! Id give anything to go back and do it again! You will have sooo much fun! Do not be concerned about the meal they will have there. It is usually a healthy meal anyway and healthy food is what you want! They aren’t going to serve burgers and fries lol but hey, even if they did, it wouldnt matter right? because you need to eat and gain weight and a person doesnt eat burgers and fries every single night. But you know what? I honestly think that the night will be so amazing and overwelming (in a good way) that you won’t even think about the food! Besides, you will need the energy from your meal to dance the night away!!!! I KNOW you will have the best time! xox
315 Aliyah // May 28, 2008 at 10:03 am

awwwww thanks! thats made me feel better!
but the only thing now is, uft my dad is bookin a holiday just before prom, so i have to deal with lots of food on holiday an restuarunts and then come bak and deal with prom.
ino im lucky to be going on this holiday but im just gna get so stressed, and my family dont understand how hard this is gna be for me

how is everyone else though?
316 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 10:10 am

Hey Aliyah! I know exactly what you are going through! My mom booked holidays for both of us in a couple of weeks and I know its stupid but like you, Im stressing about it a little! But the way I think of it, is I dont go on holidays often so I should really make the most of it when I do! And whatever I eat it will be normal anyways. I mean through recovery- thats what Im striving for- to just be like any other normal person- go on vacation and eat and ENJOY what I eat.
But I know how you feel. Its a battle! But we can get through it!!
317 Aliyah // May 28, 2008 at 11:01 am

thanks ino ino
im just over reacting, i need to calm down a bit
its just cause i have an exam next week to, and so much on my mind its like aaaahhh

yeah anyways where u goin on holiday?
u shud be excitedddddd
x
318 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 11:07 am

Hey Aliyah!!! Dont worry- you’re not overreacting! Its totally normal to feel like this. We all have our up moments and down moments! But hey- Im with ya all the way And I totally understand- exams are so stressful! I hate them!! But you’ll do fine! I know it!
As for my holidays- I live in Canada and Im going on a roadtrip across Canada- from BC (where I live) to probably Quebec! It should be fun! And yourself? where are you off to?
319 Aliyah // May 28, 2008 at 11:10 am

oo sounds fun
thanks so much for the support i really needed it

paris i think for a few nites, then come bak from prom of course
hw old are u sorry never caught ur age
im 18
x
320 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 4:36 pm

Paris sounds amazing!!!!! Im jealous It sounds like you have a couple of great weeks ahead of you! Im 20, going to be 21 in a few months. I wish I was 18 again tho haha just to go to prom! xx
321 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 4:41 pm

Paris sounds amazing! Im sooo jealous You have a couple of great weeks ahead of you! Im actually 20, going to be 21 in a few months but I wish I was 18 again just so I could go to prom again Hey, I was wondering, you mentioned a while ago that your therapist recommended a book to you, a book on a woman’s recovery… do you by any chance know the name of the book?
Im always looking for inspiration xx
322 Saphire // May 28, 2008 at 4:43 pm

hey sorry that posted twice I dont know why
323 Aliyah // May 29, 2008 at 1:48 am

yeah she keeps saying shes gna tell me, but never does!! grrr
im gna go on amazon and have alook atthe book
there must be loadssssssssss!
u shud try the something fishy website too
its gt sum good stuff on that to keep u goiing

xx
324 Saphire // May 29, 2008 at 10:58 am

Hey guys! I’ve been feeling like I’ve been slipping abit these last couple of days. And it seems the less I eat the weaker I get mentally. I started restricting a little and I was somewhat happier that I ‘didnt eat this’ but then when I did eat something I felt sooo guilty about it. So I started rationalizing it and knew that I have to eat more to get stronger. So this morning after a looong battle (and I mean long!) with myself or ana, I finally listened to my body and had a sesame snack. I looove these and they;ve been sittin in my cupboard forever it seems and I just couldnt bring myself to eat one. But I did! I told that other voice to well, you know, and I ate it! and enjoyed it!!! You have no idea how proud I am of myself. Im sure all of you have your ‘safe’ foods and the foods which are still of course so healthy but may geek you out kinda like the sesame snaps do for me. I dont know why but anyway…. I’m just feeling super happy about winning my battle and since no one is around to share in my happiness lol I wanted to share it with you
Oh and thanx Aliyah, I did check out the fishy website and actually spent quite a bit of time on it this morning getting some inspirational quotes and other stuff from it. xx Hope all of you have a GREAT day!!!!!
325 rachael // May 29, 2008 at 11:54 am

thats great saphire that you did eat them! ive been having the saem struggle for a couple of days now….when i dont eat im proud of myself and then i get hungry and i eat but i feel guilty for eating even tho i know my body needs the energy, i just dont know hwats wrong my whole attitude went downwards and i go to the dr;s again tomorrow so we’ll see if that goes well….but what i know so far is i have low potasium haha so ive been eating a lot in high potasium…ah idk i hope my “ana” goes awaaaay! haha
326 Saphire // May 29, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Hey Rachael! Isnt it a struggle? gosh I know what you mean when you say your attitude goes down. Its like when I eat Im proud for a minute and then I get down later thinking I shouldnt have eaten that… and then vica versa!!arggg!!! But ya, the whole potassium thing- I’m the same! Im eating a banana a day and then taking potassium supplements which are vital. Oh- and boost up on your B vitamins if you haven’t already. B vitamins are essential for moods and also to metabolize fat. And one more thing- I take the essential oils like Primrose oil and Flax seed oil and they are REALLY supposed to help with depressiona nd mood swings. haha I sound like a nutritionist. But I have noticed a difference- hope this helps. Your ana will go away!!! I know it!
Here’s a quote I found this morning on somethingfishy.org. It’s a great one:

“When I eat, I don’t gain back weight. I gain back my life.” Its true isnt it? xx
327 Aliyah // May 29, 2008 at 12:43 pm

omg sapphire well done!!
thats sooo amazing
im sooo proud
u shud be so happy, and enjoy whatever u want, cause u need it. u deserve it!
aww well done agen
Rachel its ok i get like that at times too, its just part of the fight. i get days where i eat less ifeel proud n when i eat more i feel annoyed buts its normal and it will be ok in the end
just keep it up
xx
328 rachael // May 29, 2008 at 2:17 pm

oooh good to know about the b-vitamin thing haha i go to the dr’s tomorrow and i think i wanna start seeing a nutritionist acuse i want to learn about what my body needs so when i eat something i feel good about it that im nourishing my body not bad that im gonna gain weihgt or w.e and my mom tells me to take flaxseed! haha i havent in awhile but since you reminded me i thnk im gonna start doing that
329 rachael // May 29, 2008 at 2:24 pm

oh and …. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ ….that is a site i go on every sunday when they post new postcarsds, it sounds silly but i love reading them and it starts my week off good so i thought i should share it with you all!!
330 rachael // May 29, 2008 at 2:54 pm

ooh and idk if you have all heard of this but postsecret.com is a great website haha i goon every sunday and look at the new postcards and it encourages me at the start of each week! its silly but you should check it out and tell me what you think
331 Saphire // May 29, 2008 at 5:14 pm

omg.. Im having such a hard day today grrrrr. okay- guys Im gonna ask you because Im not seeing a nutritionist at the moment.. I’m going to get referred by my doctor next week and I want to know now because Im having a real hard time lately. So Im just going to throw it out there. I’m 5’9 and I can’t tell you my weight because I threw out my scale last year but since I was 125 last June, Im guessing Im around 110 right now. Or lets say 115 give or take. Remember Im in recovery so of course I do NOT want to maintain that weight because obviously its toooo low! So does anyone know how many calories I should be consuming?
I know this is a totally loaded question because it varies from person to person but if someone could perhaps give me an approx I would be sooooo greatful!!! help pleeezzzz!!!! xxxx

Oh and to Rachael- I looove the website!! Its really great! Thanks for mentioning it!
332 isabella mori // May 29, 2008 at 9:58 pm

saphire – try this as a rough guideline:

http://www.marathonguide.com/FitnessCalcs/Caloricneeds.cfm
333 Aliyah // May 30, 2008 at 1:58 am

sapphire, also aim for 3 mediium sized meals and snacs inbetween. just keep eating every hfew hours, it keeps ur metabolism going and speeds it up.
when i started recovery at the start i gained quite a bit every week, but then as i ate my metablism sped up, and its now at a slower more comfortable pace.
but dont worry, keep strong. dont let it win!
x
334 Shannon // May 30, 2008 at 7:57 am

hey guys! i’m having a rough time these past couple of days. i know my mom wants to help me but i’m so tired of her trying to tell me how i feel. i know she loves me and means well but i seriously don’t know how to make her understand! no matter how i try to explain my feelings she just doesn’t get it. i’m going out to dinner with my friends tonight and we’re going to a restaurant that doesn’t have a “diet” menu. i’m pretty nervous about this and feel like i should restrict today to make up for what i eat at dinner…even though i know i need to eat all day long! any suggestions on how to feel better about eating or how i should order? i hate this!!
335 Aliyah // May 30, 2008 at 8:10 am

hey aww i totally feel for you
listen try and see this dinner with your friends as a new event that proves ur beating ur ed!
dont let the ed make it seem like a negative and worrying thing
u go there, socialise and enjoy urself like u shud.
why worry about the food? food is vital to life isnt it.just enjoy urself, u deserve to and show that ed whos winning!!
let us know how it goes:D
lots of luck, ino its a hard battle, but this will be one big step closer to winning
336 Saphire // May 30, 2008 at 5:30 pm

Thank you Isabella and Aliyah! The calculator at least gave me some idea of where I should be calorie wise- definitely a LOT more to get my weight up. And to Aliyah- thanx for your support! yeah, sometimes I lose sight of the most important thing in life- health and happiness and for brief moments I go back to calories and image which of course is anorexia talking. But we all need reminders sometimes. Its like I know I need to gain weight but at the same time I dont wanna- yeah thats DEFINITELY the disease talkin! So be strong- and we’ll beat it.
If you don’t mind me askin Aliyah… how long have you been in recovery? you are a bundle of support and positivity girl!!! Way to go
And Shannon- please dont restrict if you know you are eating something not on the diet menu. It will make you feel even worse than if you dont. I’ve done this off and on. I restrict and feel weak and moody all day and then even once I eat whatever I was ‘saving’ up for, I dont feel better because I was just weakening my mind. Then I start putting myself down for restricting because I know that that was the disease controlling me. Its just a vicious cycle if you restrict. As Aliyah said- yeah prove to your ed that you are beating it. Tell ana to —- off and enjoy yourself!! Have fun tonight and I’ll be thinkin of you xx
337 Shannon // May 30, 2008 at 9:46 pm

hey girls! thanks for the encouragement…it really helps a lot!!! dinner went ok. we went to red lobster and i got salad, a half order of broiled tilapia, and asparagus. i didn’t have any of their cheddar biscuits and didn’t use hardly any of my salad dressing because they didn’t have anything fat free. i did however eat all my fish and asparagus and came home and had some broccoli, strawberries, and yogurt with a bit of cereal in it. i feel like i did restrict some throughout the day today but i tried really hard not to. i would have much rather had a pasta dish or something fried at dinner but i couldn’t bring myself to order it. my friends really upset me though by telling me how thin i am. it wasn’t like they said it once, they kept saying it over and over and telling me that i look gross. they were also making jokes about being anorexic/bulimic…but they don’t know about my ed. i’m not close enough to share that with them so i tried to just tell them i was working on gaining some weight but they just wouldn’t let up. it was super annoying! but anyway, i feel good about what i ate and don’t feel guilty for anything. oh and today i also made an effort to “munch” on a few different things during the day without writing it down or measuring/weighing it. i also didn’t drink as much water/other liquid as i normally do so i felt hungrier…which is a good thing! i think slowly but surely i’m going to get over this thing!

that online calculator also helped me! its comforting to know that you can eat so many calories and still maintain your weight, let alone what you need to gain! it definitely helps me rationalize eating so much! keep up the good work everyone!
338 Saphire // May 31, 2008 at 6:29 am

Shannon! Im so glad you had a good time- well eating something that at least sounded good, yum I love asparagus And I am the exact same way when it comes to restaurants. I would love nothing more than a nice bowl of pasta but I just can never bring myself to do it. But you know what? I realize how silly that is. I mean, a person does not go out to eat every single day so why not treat yourself to whatever you want. Haha, I know thats so easy to say- easier said than done right? But hey, you and I and all of us are recovering, we’re on the right path so why not challenge ourselves. To prove ed wrong, to challenge myself, I am going to eat what I would love to eat on the menu the next time I go out because I want to be normal and normal ppl do that! okay now that I’ve actually said it to all of you, you can ‘hold’ me to that. I’ll share it when I do
And don’t you just despise it when people comment on how thin you are? It hurts me every time. Its like they are judging you and they really have NO idea how hard it really is. But on a happier note, I am so glad you didnt feel guilty about eating out and its kinda great when you eat stuff throughout the day and are constantly hungry! That means the old metabolism is coming back So keep eating constantly to rev it up. And hey, I am totally a ‘measurer’ and a ‘weigher’ of food and its completely ridiculous! Lets both try and not do that okay? Im going to make a conscious effort to not measure anything anymore because honestly a person should just grab whatever and not weigh it or measure it and eat and enjoy it! Besides, its more fun that way

Have a good day all of you!!! Be strong everyone- lets win!!!!! xx
339 nikki // May 31, 2008 at 9:46 am

hi every1

im nikki and im 13….im 5′ 7” and currently 100lbs. I think im recovering but i might just b putting on weight. my lowest weight was 86lbs and that was only 2mnths ago, i really like how i am now and i reli want to stop putting on weight. i know ppl will say to exercise the amount i eat, but it doesnt seem to work! i realli need some advice??
340 Aliyah // May 31, 2008 at 10:03 am

saphhire – since about december. still got a way to go, but i’ll get there. I kind of have to before i start uni theres gna be a lot of socialising anf stuff and i have to get over this.

shannon- none of my friends know either only my bf. and yeah i get comments lot but uno what just ignore it, they have no idea what ur going thru. just say hey im eating, its not like im starving myself.

hey nikki, its the ED telling you to stop gaining weight. the ideal weight for you, is there for a reason.
have u been to the docotr? councelling?
341 Shannon // May 31, 2008 at 1:48 pm

How is everyone’s day going? Mine is going pretty good. I ate breakfast this morning, even though I didn’t want to (my mom made me), and I had some other snacks throughout the morning. I ate a decent lunch and have been snacking around in the kitchen this afternoon. I’m feeling more comfortable not counting/weighing the things I snack on so that’s a good sign! I’m also having dinner with my family tonight so I feel confident about that and eating quite a bit today.

Nikki-
I know its hard to look at when the scale goes up but just keep reassuring yourself that you NEED the weight!!
342 Aliyah // May 31, 2008 at 1:57 pm

shannon- wow that is such a good day really!
thats soo encouraging!
mines was ok, had my 3 meals bit of sncackin here and there
x
343 Saphire // May 31, 2008 at 2:27 pm

Hey guys! Hope your day is going good! Mine’s been alright I guess. I have my moments. I went out for lunch today. I had sushi and I feel like I had too much of it. But Im constantly argueing with myself that this is ridiculous. I did NOT have too much, heck I should have had more! Afterall, I was not full after I left. A person should eat until they are satisfied. But like I said- I have my moments.

Shannon! Congrats- your day does sound like its going good! Breakfast is hard for me too but what makes me want it is that the truth is, if you eat a good breakfast- and the bigger the better, your metabolism is revved up for the day and you feel pretty satisfied for a longer period of time Which is great! Gotta keep that metabolism up! And awesome for not weighing things! Its nice eh? more fun I think

Aliyah- wow December! Thats great! You’ve been doing so good and keeping so positive- you’re my role model girl! And definitely it is good to stop the nonsence before university! Ive been going to uni for three years now and let me tell you- its been VERY hard. This disgusting disease has ruined friendships, a social life, has taken away all my fun and even a close relationship. Thankfully Im on the right path now and can start fresh again come Fall! Have to gain my life back- its not the weight I gain back but my life!

Nikki- you have the support of all of us. This is a battle and I have faith you will beat it. You want to beat it remember- health and happiness is the most important thing in life- NOT what you look like. And I know its hard. It is such a struggle. You definitely NEED to gain weight. Your weight is far too low for your height. Like Aliyah said- it is anorexia talking telling you to stop putting on weight. You need to put on weight so your mind gets stronger and when it gets stronger you will have more strength to fight this and WIN!!! You want to win remember- you want to live life at its fullest and not worry about food and such. Be strong!
344 rachael // May 31, 2008 at 7:50 pm

i love hearing that al you guys are doing so well! today i did eat a lot but i feel like it was a bad day, i just feel so gross i ate like 3 full meals but my stomach feels hugeee ah i wanna go back to restricting but i just keep pushing myself becuase i want to gain the weight and just be healthy and back to what i used to be like last year

niki- i know how you feel good job for gaining wiehgt back but you need to keep it up, your 5’7 and weigh 100 im 5’5″ and weigh 103 and my dr is worried about me so you definatly need to keep gaining it is a struggle though im goign through the smae thing wehre i think i look fine and dont wanna gain but i just know that i have to!
345 isabella mori // May 31, 2008 at 8:04 pm

reading what you guys are saying about getting yourselves to eat even though in the moment it doesn’t feel so good because you know that long-term it’s going to get you better reminds me of something:

for years, i had gallbladder attacks. extremely painful. the first time i had one i thought i had a heart attack. in the beginning, when they hit me, i did what seemed the most comfortable thing to do in the moment: lie down.

but at some point i realized that if i kept moving during the attacks, they would go away much quicker. getting myself to move while in excrutiating pain always took a humongous effort, both physically and emotionally – but it always worked!
346 Shannon // May 31, 2008 at 8:23 pm

rachel and nikki,
i know how you both feel. i know i need to gain weight but i feel like its totally wrong. everytime i eat something i think about how i could just restrict instead but i try to repeat over and over in my head that i need to gain and that its normal and healthy. i have eaten quite a bit today but haven’t weighed or measured anything which is a huge accomplishment for me!! i also feel like i ate a lot but don’t have any urge to binge…which i think is a sign that i’m getting back to normal! when my ed starts to take over my thoughts and i feel like i should restrict i have been trying to think about how aweful it makes me feel when people use the words “gross” , “disgusting”, or “skeleton” to describe my appearance. that usually helps me feel better about eating. good luck everyone!!!!
347 Tasha // May 31, 2008 at 11:34 pm

Hey,

My name’s Tasha and I’m new here but I found this website last night and I’ve been reading through the comments and I was wondering if you guys had advice for how to eat to recover?

I honestly don’t know how much to eat anymore, food has become this thing I analyse constantly instead of just being simple nutrition and I really need to get better cos I got accepted into this really prestigious boarding school but they need a medical checkup in 3 months and I’m only 84 pounds at 5″3″ so I’m so messed up right now.

I really want to get better but I just can’t bring myself to do it. There’s no counseling where I live (anorexia is pretty much unheard of in Malaysia) so I don’t know who to ask when it comes to talking about anorexia.
348 Aliyah // Jun 1, 2008 at 1:33 am

Tasha- i think you should, visit your dcotor. apart from that eat 3 small meals a day and a snack inbetween whatever u like, just to get started agen. thats what i did, and it is the best way. mechanical eating, eat thise 3 meals no mater how u feel cause u need it.

saphhire- wow sushiii well done on yet another achievement:D
yeah hearing what you have to say about uni, i REALLY want to get over this. its like i wish i could just get to my ideal weight without all this struggle inbetween. but we will do it

Rachel i know how you feel i feel gross and horrible sometimes after i eat,. but you know you shud go and do something after to keep your mind off it, like read or talk to a friend online, or jus go on this and write hw you feel just to take your mind off it.

Nikki- as sapphire said you need to gain weight, think of it as your giving your body what it deserves. Dont weigh yourself, sometimes that helps, just eat and see how hw you feel. when u have a bad day do something to take your mind off the food.

x
349 Tasha // Jun 1, 2008 at 2:05 am

Thanks for that really quick reply. The ironic thing is my mum’s a doctor but I lied to her and told her I was heavier than what I actually am since I was afraid she would send me to Singapore. I do eat three main meals a day and snacks as well but the thing is I eat really low calorie or low fat food throughout the day and then I have a nice dessert like ice cream or a PBJ sandwich at night whilst maintaining in the 1350-1550 zone so that I don’t suddenly get cravings. I know I have to increase my intake for each meal and the only reason why I can eat all the low fat and calorie food is cos I usually cook for myself and my mum’s a health freak- we have steamed fish, veggies, some sort of chicken and brown rice every night.

Have you ever had the problem with bloating though? Because in the past 2 weeks, I’ve gone from 1250 to about 1500 and I get a really bloated stomach which makes me feel really uncomfortable.
350 rachael // Jun 1, 2008 at 4:32 am

hey tasha! i get that way too with a bloated stomach… but about the calorie thing the thing that helped me the most was not looking at the labels and trying not to count how many calories i ahd that day…it helps a lot becuase if i know how many i had and with me i tried to restrict my diet to 1000-1200 calories a day so if i had more than that i would freak out so i just try not to count the calories so i keep eating and not skip meals! haha its kinda hard but i would say try it for a day!
351 nikki // Jun 1, 2008 at 7:35 am

thanks guys, yea i have bn to my gp cos my mum forced me to, but he was rather gulliable and believed what i said (basically i managed to convince him i was healthy). Thing is a lot of ppl who used to say i was too thin now say i lk gr8 and my dad has started treting me like a little princess again. Thats y i want to stay this weight, because a lot of ppl like how i look now and so do i. and yes, i am having anorexia lapses, but i am able to eat without much guilt, although i still restrict.
352 Aliyah // Jun 1, 2008 at 7:49 am

hey tasha yah i understand i eat low calorie diet stuff to sometimes, but try not to like me. im slowly gettin rid of it one thing at a time.
yeah bloatedness is just part of it, i have special yoghurts for the dugestive system to help.

Nikki yeah i kinda get where ur comin from. im at this stage where i like where i am, but i tyr and say i mite like it even more when i get to my ideal weight! so just keep saying taht to yourself.

xx
353 Shannon // Jun 1, 2008 at 7:55 am

nikki,
people may tell you they like how you look now but its really about how YOU FEEL! you have to feel good about yourself and feel healthy. the ed is just telling you to stay thing because you think thats what will make you happy, but in reality you have to be healthy first. i know how hard it is to gain though, i feel like i look good the way i am right now but i know its not healthy and i know i’m only hurting myself.

tasha,
i know all about the eating low calorie and low fat food! i’m such a label freak and have the hardest time eating things without having the exact serving size so i know exactly how many calories and fat grams i’m getting by weighing it out and measuring it. it does help if you just grab whatever you feel like having and not look at the label…even though its really hard. on my “good” days (which are really actually the bad ones) i eat less than 800 calories…which i know is WAY too low. i feel like when i have over 1000 calories i freak out and think i’m going to gain a ton of weight, even though i know that i need a lot more calories than that to even maintain my weight, let alone gain. i know how hard it is though. like yesterday i didn’t weigh or measure anything, and ate 3 meals and snacked in between. i didn’t count calories during the day but last night when i was laying in bed trying to fall asleep i started adding up all the things i had eaten during the day and was trying to estimate how many calories it was. it was getting up there into numbers that i’m not use to and i started freaking out a bit and don’t really feel like eating much today but i know that is only going to start the process over again….so i’m going to go force myself to eat something right now! good luck to you!

sapphire,
awesome job on going out for sushi! its an accomplishment that you went out even though you didn’t eat as much as you could have. but its really good you recognized that you weren’t even satisfied when you left and that you should have eaten more, rather than felt guilty about what you did have. how is it going with not weighing/measuring your food? i did really good yesterday but feel like i need to go back to my old habits today…i’m not sure why. but i’m going to try my hardest to resist and just snack on whatever i FEEL like having. good luck today!
354 Aliyah // Jun 1, 2008 at 8:43 am

im going to have dinner, and im realllly going to try my best not to think of calories and just enjoy my mums cooking and not restrict
355 Saphire // Jun 1, 2008 at 9:05 am

Hello Tasha! You have the support of all of us. We are all going through this incredibly hard battle together and we can win it together too. You can NOT let anorexia win. It is a horrible thing to have and will take your life away.
Your body NEEDS food! You are very underweight and your body is probably screaming for nurishment! I know it is soooo hard to eat but you HAVE to. You need more than what you are consuming right now.
You want to gain your life back. You want to be healthy and HAPPY! Anorexia takes both health and happiness away and you do not want that. You want to enjoy life and LIVE it to the fullest
When you eat- you get stronger. I myself have to repeat this every single day because its hard. But I want to be stronger mentally and physically so I can win this fight!! You can too!! Be strong okay Tasha? And like Aliyah said- yogurt really does help for the bloating thing. It is soo healthy too. It give your body protein and calcium for your bones and teeth. Take care! We’re here with you xx
356 Tasha // Jun 1, 2008 at 10:16 pm

Hey,

Sorry this may sound really lame but honestly, I really appreciate all your replies, I never get to talk to anyone about anorexia and ever since anorexia hit, my social life has slowly swindled into a black hole so it’s kind of nice to have people to talk to who don’t judge me so yeah, thanks.

Aliyah and Shannon, I’ve lived off diet stuff for ages now, it’s sort of hard not to eat it sometimes. I have this habit of tracking my fat intake as well since I do this thing called SparkTeens where it tracks all your calories, carbs, proteins, fats, etc. so I think I might be more of a label freak. I’ll usually stay at a pretty low fat area, but get all the protein and carbs in which is something I SHOULD STOP but I don’t know, it’s like you feel out of control without it which again is stupid.

I don’t know why, I never used to get all bloated and I eat yogurt everyday, kind of a habit now since I’m freaked out about osteoporosis since I stopped having periods for like a year now which is REALLY BAD. Yeah I do that too Shannon, count the stuff in my head at night. It’s really annoying how food’s like your first thought in the morning and the last at night.

I know I’m really underweight Saphire and sometimes it does feel like a chore to even get up, especially when I have to go for tennis training and I get really little sleep- I think anorexia gives me insomnia.

The thing is I generally don’t know how much to eat cos I have quite a high metabolism, well I used to, not sure now. Even when I was on a 1800 calorie diet, I managed to stay at 92 pounds and I don’t think I underestimate since I track everything and measure stuff like Shannon. And I know it’s a good thing to have a high metabolism but I’m afraid if I eat too much, I’ll just get bigger and bigger and I’ll get too used to eating whatever I want to eat that I’ll keep gaining. I went to see a dietitian and she said for my height, I should eat 1800 calories which didn’t really help me much since I didn’t gain much weight anyway. No one in KL is knowledgeable about anorexia or how to deal with it so I don’t know who to ask either. I don’t know, feel really messed up.
357 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 12:55 am

hey listen i understand what u mean about diet food stuff, but u need to tell yourself you dontneed it!
cause udont. you have to take out one thing at a time. And i found bloatedness slowly lessens, it will. i dont usually drink when im eatin a meal as i find it too much.
x
358 Saphire // Jun 2, 2008 at 9:08 am

Good morning girls! How is everyone today so far? I really hope good
Shannon- thanks! The sushi and the not feeling guilty about it was the highlight of my Saturday! And I also go through times in the day where I return to my stupid habit of measuring. I think I should actually get rid of the measuring cups. That might be an idea now that I think of it, or make my mom hide them in her room or something because its sooo silly! And kind of tedious as well. And I still seem to be counting up every calorie. Gosh, its been three full weeks now since Ive been eating normally and now more than ever calorie counting has become an obsession. I have my cell phone with me at all times and even when Im out, I catch myself adding what Ive had and what Im going to have! Anyone have any suggestions or anything to help me with that? I cant stand myself doing it yet I do it anyway. It’s kind of putting my in a weird place mentally because I know that if this keeps up I might end up relapsing and I do NOT want to do that. Grrrr…..
359 Tasha // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:11 am

Hey,

Yeah, sorry I was totally freaking out on the last post cos I’m kind of short for time and my parents expect me to be 48kg before I leave and I’ve got 10kg to put on in 3 months. So I need to do this, and I’ll take your advice, taking out one thing at a time. I didn’t stop counting today but I made sure I ate more since I went for tennis.

Saphire, I know I may sound like a real hypocrite since I’m not exactly a good example but what I find helps sometimes to try to avoid counting is to go out with some friends and eat with them but make sure that you keep yourself busy and chat to them. That way you get slightly distracted and being around non anorexic people makes you feel like you should eat more if you’re restricting you know?

I think I should throw away my measuring cups too. And I agree, it is silly to fuss over numbers and carefully measure each and every thing you eat but yet, I won’t stop doing it most of the time.
360 Saphire // Jun 2, 2008 at 11:05 am

Tasha hun, – you def dont sound like a hypocrite. This disease only makes it like that. But thank you for your support and advice. I know I try to be positive and support everyone on here and then Im like- wow I really should take my own advice haha. But writing it down kind of reinforces it too!
And I have found that when I do go out with other people I dont care so much about food which is wonderful! So for all of you- this does work:)
Tasha- keep at it! You are doing great so far. Its a long hard road but we’re on the right one so lets fight and beat it! Happy and healthy!!!!! xx
361 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 12:11 pm

hey sapphire, yeah i know what u mean about calorie counting i cant help it sometimes, but just keep tellking yourself , do u want to be counting calories all your life, or do you just want to enjoy the food?

ive had a good few days actually , i feel like ive ate too much, but ive decided im just going to do my best to ignore it, and enjoy the food.

x
362 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:03 pm

Hi all,
I have been reading all your comments but haven’t had a chance to post.
Well i got married 2 weeks ago and actually had cake! There were lots of pictures of course and i was really nervous…i didnt want to see how i looked as i have been putting weight back on and i am about right (give or take). I managed to look at the pictures and actually appreciate that i looked good!

However i am now in London visiting family (i live in Florida) and i find myself restricting again and every time i look at the wedding pictures, i am seeing more and more flaws. The other night i had restricted all day but around 2am i decided i was hungry and starting eating everything i could see. i started off with fruit but then moved onto cereal, bagels and spaghetti hoops chocolate chips/crisps (whatever you want to call them),cake…etc etc. At the end i didnt feel full, just guilty and disgusting. I ended up purging. I know i am going down the wrong way again because i actually felt good about purging and the next day i only ate a cereal bar and drank coffee all day. I’ve really hit a bump in the road and it is so frustrating but at the same time i feel good about it. I want to “be normal” so my husband and i can have a baby but at the same time i am so scared about the weight i am just now let alone how i will be if i keep eating the way i am eating just now. I may be a decent enough weight but my mind does not match that. I really need to get over this part of it and i feel the only way i can do this is with inpatient care.
How is everyone else doing?

Take care
Jilly
x
363 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:12 pm

awww jilly congrats on ur wedding first of all.
listen your ED is telling you , you have flaws, when u deep down know you look good. u said it urself. enjoy the body you have, just ttry and think of your future, you dont want your kids to have eating difficulties like you, so dont let it get to you. you are at a weight that is good for your height, and that is so so soo good

if you think ur gna binge or something do something to keep your mind off it, read or just take 5 minutes and say to yourself, i dont need to purge, i dont need to binge eat. everything in moderation.
364 Shannon // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:36 pm

Saphire,
I do the same thing with my cell phone!! I’m always whipping it out and adding up my calories of what I’ve eaten and what I’m going to eat the rest of the day. Its so annoying! I haven’t had a very good day today…I’ve been restricting quite a bit and I quit the snacking thing and am back to measuring but I do plan on eating a normal meal for dinner. I have a big exam tomorrow that I need to focus on studying for but all I can think about is food. Its so annoying!!!

Aliyah,
Good job on not thinking about it! I bet in all reality you haven’t even eaten enough but I know how easy it is to freak out once you think you’ve eaten too much. Its encouraging that you’re just letting it go! Keep up the good work girl!

Jilly,
Congrats on getting married! Does your husband know about your ED? Like Aliyah said, just try to ignore the thoughts in your head about finding flaws because you know you actually look good! I find that when I restrict all day then I want to binge on anything and everything in sight at night. Eating normal meals during the day helps make me not want to binge. Also, just think about the future and how you need to be at a healthy weight so you can get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I haven’t had my period for 6 months now and even though its a hassle (I’m sure all of us girls feel that way), I can’t wait for it to come back because I know that I’ll be in the healthy range again. Its definitely a good thing that you’re recognizing the signs early so you can get your ED under control before it gets out of hand. Is there anyone you can talk to about it? Like your husband, friend, family, therapist, etc…? It definitely helps to talk about it, even if its only on this website. Since I’ve started posting and reading this site I feel a lot better. Good luck!!!
365 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:39 pm

aww thanks shanon i will keep doing my best to beat this
366 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Thanks!
Its just i know if i feel hungry i should eat. The thing is i always over do it. ALWAYS. Every pound i put on now i find myself getting bigger and bigger. My period started again a couple of monthhs ago and whenever i get it i just feel HUGE!!! I’m just so sick of feeling like this and i want to be “normal” so much. But as soon as i start getting anywhere, ana is back in my head telling me that i am only going to get fat again and do i really want that to happen. I know that the voice in my head doesnt know what it is talking about and every now and then i really do have moments of clarity but they are getting less and less common! I have enough inspiration to keep me going but the voice just seems to be stronger! argh!

Take care
Jilly
x
367 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:42 pm

awww its hard
just listen to your body and give it what it needs
if you feel hungry, EAT you need to
everyone feels yuck at their periods, your not alone justtell yourself that.
your ED is prolly making it seem 100 times worse wehen it really isnt. just say to yourself, its only a period its just a week or so then its done.
368 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Shannon – Thanks! I have been recovering from my eating disorder for about 4/5 years. It is a long and tedious process. I thought i had gotten over it but clearly haven’t. My husband does know about my eating disorder and he really is my rock. I have a wonderful therapist who i really can relate to and i feel comfortable talking to her about anything. I have been seeing here for just under 3 months and i notice the change. But with not being in Florida and being in London without my husband, it has been harder. I have even been lying to him about eating which i know is terrible especially as he is nothing but supportive and understands that i will have bad days.

Aliyah – I know it is just my period and i know that makes even “normal” people feel all yucky! The thing is when i feel hungry i eat and eat and eat and eat. I just don’t know when to stop and then i feel so bad! I know i need to get passed that way of thinking but i think that is one of the hardest things to do!
369 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:51 pm

yeah, have u ever tried councelling and stuff?
i used to have periods where i ate and ate and ate then pruged for like 2 years. an i got soo sick ofit, cause i wasnt enjoying the food, i used to get sore throats, sometimes bleeding and ulcers all the time.why dont u try like say at a meal time, only bringing out what u will eat and thats it. dnt leave stuff lying around that u cud binge on?
370 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:57 pm

Yeah i have a really great therapist just now and i have had inpatient care before and different therapists and psychiatrists. It just seems like i get to a point which is acceptable and i stay there for a while then my ED comes back! Drives me crazy! I am staying in my sisters apartment just now so i cant really say to her that while i am visiting she cant have anything lying about…i would feel like i was imposing myself too much! I know it will get better when i get back to FL but for just now (until Sunday) i am scared. Its strange, i am scared to eat but i am also scared not to eat, i really can’t explain it. I’m sure you know what i am talking about though. That whole kind of cross between the “sensible” voice in your head and the “ED” voice in your head!
371 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 1:59 pm

yeah its just a big long struggle isnt it.
but just try to tell yourself, you need to binge, it never makes u feel good, so just think of the negative feelings around it.
wish u luck though
372 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 2:11 pm

Thanks Aliyah.
This website is so great. It makes it a lot better to realise that i’m not the only one and there are people that you can say “you know what i mean” to and actually know that they do rather than just agreeing with you to stop you talking about it. It is still such a taboo subject.

Best of luck to everyone here!
373 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2008 at 2:13 pm

aww yeah i know.
it really helps to talk to others.
im away to my bed now anyways hope all goes well, keep updating n stuff n letting us know how ur doing
374 Jilly // Jun 2, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Night night! Guess i should do the same!

xx
375 Saphire // Jun 2, 2008 at 7:14 pm

Hello everyone! Hope everyone had an okay day. Mine was pretty good, well I only say pretty good because I have bad moments all day long such as when I whip out my cell and start calculating or think of restricting so I can have a good dinner. Its such a big pain in the ass!

Good luck with your exam tomorrow Shannon! Remember- and Im sure you know this, but you need to eat a good breakfast and eat good so your brain can function at its best when you write your exam. Try a power bar or protein bar right before your exam! Trust me- this will make your mind sharper. I did this all the time when I used to write exams!!!

And to Jilly- yes, congrats on your wedding! I bet you looked just beautiful! I love weddings! And like Aliyah says- eat when you are hungry and eventually your body will stabalize and you will not feel the need to binge. Just have normal meals three times a day and snacks between- and Im sure you know this too and eat when your body is hungry. If you restrict, of course you will feel the need to binge once it gets some food in it! And even if you do binge now, dont feel lousy about it because your body wanted it and is probably thankful for the food. I know, I used to binge allll the time but only because I was depriving my body of regular consistant food. I know it is such a battle and a crappy one at that! It really sux. But if you do eat consistantly you wont feel the need to binge! The more we eat the stronger we get to tell Ana to **** off! And really- it is such a good thing that you have your period, the yucky feeling and all. I really badly want mine to come back because that will mean my body is somewhat normal again and healthy! Definitely keep us updated on how you are doing! We are all in this together. You have all of our strength with you okay? keep strong!!

And Aliyah- good job for the last couple of days. You say you have eaten too much although- you know you havent Your body is thanking you! And its great you are not listening to ed and enjoying your food. Food is really good- its really the medication for this disease.
Best wishes to all of you!! And good night x
376 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 1:12 am

hey thanks sapphire
throw ur calculater away!
ive not weighed myself in ages and i feel so good not knowing. it makes it easier, insteadof having a stupid number in my head all day

ive got an exam tomorow psychology ironically enough!

hope everyones well!
x
377 rachael // Jun 3, 2008 at 3:59 am

ah im glad everyone is doing good, i myself have been doing great till this morning…ive been eating 3 meals a day and at least 2 snacks but last night i just oculdnt stop snacking! and i didnt care last night i was proud of my self that i could kinda puush the little voice inside my head away for awhile but ah i had this horrible dream where i was huge and i couldnt fit into any of my clothes anymore and now im just sacred to gain wiehgt haha it sounds crazy but ive never had a dream like that and i just feel like it was a warning and im afraid im going to start restricting my food today and counting calories i have a graduation party to go to and its a cook out for dinner and im afraid to go becaus ill either skip lunch so i can eat at the cook out or im afraid ill just not eat there, im just freaking out cause i was doing so well and this dream was like since i ignore my voice it came to me in a dream….does anyone understand that?
378 rachael // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:03 am

oh and aliyah! good luck on your psych exam i bet youll do great…and once its over youll have nothing to stress about !
379 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:06 am

hey rahcel yeah i totaly do!
i get dreams like that but just tell youself, you need too!
you want to be able to go out to functuions and dinners and enjoy yourself, cause life is too short to worry about calloires 24/7
so eat a small healthy lunch, and just enjoy yourself at this place. tell yourself you will enjoy, it have fun socialising and dont let the voices get to you
u can win
380 Tasha // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:35 am

Hey everyone,

Yeah, I get that way too Rachael when there’s a party to go to, I do the same but I think Aliyah’s advice is good- small healthy lunch then you won’t be as hungry but you’ll still feel within control. As for the dream, just remind yourself that you’re in the control of what’s going to happen to you, the dream is not a reality- you make your own choices.

And Jilly, I know I’m new here and you don’t know me so this may seem too up front but maybe you should just keep thinking about trying to provide a healthy body for your baby to grow in every time you feel like restricting or when you want to binge, keep reminding yourself to eat not until you’re stuffed to the brim but eat until you’re not hungry anymore (like 8/10′s full) if that makes sense.

Aliyah, I really admire that you haven’t weighed yourself for a long time, so I think you should be really proud of yourself about what you’ve achieved so far. Good luck for your exam, thought this is sort of a late reply and hope it goes well. I find it so distracting to deal with anorexia and sit exams as well- it really drains you sometimes.

As for myself, I’m still restricting I don’t know why. I keep telling myself that if everyone else can eat normally and still maintain their healthy weights, why can’t I?
381 isabella mori // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:36 am

interesting about these “using” dreams – they happen quite frequently among people with an experience with obsession and addiction. interestingly enough, they seem to happen MORE among people who are recovering. so maybe they’re a sign that you’re on the right path? what do you think?

after i stopped smoking, i had dreams about taking up smoking again for over 10 years. unpleasant as those dreams may be, i’ll take them over smoking any time, thank you very much!

good luck on that exam, aliyah!
382 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:55 am

thanks isabella
yeah i think its anorexia tryint to fight again, trying to get to you again. it knows its losing so its cominh in your dreams
i guess it will pass

i feel so huge just now though, feel big and bloated and full and my mums making a big dinner.
tasha yeah defo just keep telling yourself that. restricing is part of recovery sometimes i dotn even realise im doing it. i guess it will slowly go, just try not to restrict too much of course

x
383 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:58 am

i have a query i guess i wanna challenge. most of my weight ive – regained so far has gone to my tummy. and im wondering, ive still got a long way to go, about a stone yet and will my weight stay i one place or distribute. and when anorexics get to their ideal weight, is it all in one place for a while and then distributes out or what
im just scared of how im going to llook,im so used to how i look just now. its a scary thought
384 Tasha // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:04 am

Hey Aliyah,

The weight that goes to your stomach might be due to a hormonal imbalance with your triglycerides. My friend who used to be anorexic, swung to the other side and kinda binged too much so now she has insulin problems which is why binging in not good. Maybe you should get a blood test to see your hormones and stuff cos anorexia really messes it up.

I sort of restricted too much today which is so annoying cos I have an exam tomorrow well today since it’s now midnight in my country and I know I’ve messed up. I honestly think the boarding school I’m going to is going to expel me or something when they see my med results. Which is why I’m going to get food. Argh. It’s like a never ending battle
385 Saphire // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:06 am

Hello all! Or Good Morning! It sounds like everyone is doing pretty good judging by the recent posts! Good luck on your exam Aliyah!!!! I love physcology! It is so interesting-hard, but interesting And yes, I do think I need to perhaps get rid of my cell phone for a while. I was giving it a lot of thought last night! Maybe give it to my mom or something so I dont use it!! And congrats on not weighing yourself!

And those stupid but SCARY dreams- I have them all the time! I wake up and I feel just so strange! But its true- like Tasha says- they’re NOT reality. We are in control of our reality so lets make it a good healthy one!

To Tasha, the reason other people can eat normally and maintain their weight is because they’re ‘bucket’ is full so to speak. They are at their normal healthy weight therefore they eat their required normal amount of calories for their age and height and they dont gain because they’re metabolism is working and everything is good. We are not at that normal yet. Our bucket is still empty and really, has a loooong way to go until it is full and we can eat normally and not gain a thing. See, by restricting, we are only doing our bodies a great diservice because then we are only pushing back and it will take much much longer for our bodies to be stable. Gosh- I hope that made some sense! Its such a fight with yourself not to restrict but remind yourself every time you think you want to restrict because ‘you will lose weight if you do’ this is NOT TRUE. If a person restricts they’re body will not get normal, they’re bucket will always be empty.

Hope everyone has a good day. Best wishes and luck to all of you xx
386 Saphire // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:12 am

Hey Aliyah! I forgot you are in a completely differnt timezone! here it is 9:00 in the morning so you already had your exam today! How did it go?! In regards to the redistribution of weight, I’ve read from numerous different sources that basically say the same thing- it goes to the stomach at first and then once the body is normal and has reached its ideal weight, it will redistribute to the other parts of the body. But of course, it is probably different for every person. But thats the main idea anyway. It won’t stay in the stomach forever thankfully
387 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:14 am

thanks sapphire, sometimes it feels better not knowing how many calories you consume. makes life easier for you, and you dont hve a STUPID number prying on your mind ALL day preveting you from going about your day normally.

Tasha- at least you are aware you are restricing. just keep telling yourself, write it down if u must in big letters i do not need to restrict. my body deserves food. sit down and write the reasons for restrcing and not. sometimes when u see it written in front of you it brings it home again.

good luck on ur exam !
388 Tasha // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:24 am

Hey,

Yeah I should really do that but maybe later today after my exam cos I must get some sleep. It does feel a lot nicer without those numbers, I find that it really takes a toll on you especially when you’re tired and stuff, it’s like a burden we carry everywhere, except it’s self inflicted so that sucks even more.

Saphire, it does make sense and I’m sure my body’s messed up, a year and 3 months without period, I really need to pull myself together. But the thing is I’m sure it’s not only me but we’ve been so used to analysing everything we eat that eating normal just doesn’t come that easily to us. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look at food as just food and nutrition. Some people say you never really do recover though. I wonder how much truth there is in that.
389 Saphire // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:55 am

Tasha, I do know what you mean. I dont think a person can 100 % ever truly recover from this. Of course Im only saying, I dont know for sure, I mean ya, we spend soooo much time analyzing everything it does make me wonder if one day I’ll be able to look at food and not even give it a thought. But I think that once we recover- and it will take a long time but once, we do, we’ll be able to deal with it better. We might think about the calories or whatever… but we’ll know and we’ll strongly know that it doesnt reeeally matter and we should eat it anyway. I mean , just keep those dark days of anorexia in your mind forever, do not ever block those memories out. In the future and even now when I think bad thoughts I do think back to December and then last month after a second relapse when I was practicaly on my deathbed, the most darkest days of my life and I think twice about whether to restrict or not. Of course, Im still in recovery so Im not 100 % strong enough to pull through sometimes and NOT restrict but once I get stronger, once all of us get stronger and recover more and more, I dont think we’ll see food as the enemy thaat much you know? I mean, I really dont want to be like 80 and think I just spent my whole life worrying about what I looked like or how many calories were in the pizza or whatever! haha.
Eating normally definitely does not come easy to any of us but I think it will get better as time and recovery goes on. Tasha- I wish you luck on your exam today!!!! You’ll ace it! xx
390 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2008 at 9:18 am

of course we can recover 100%
ittakes a while though
but you can go online and see that people do recover 100%
my aunt did, she used to have bulimia and she got over it. and she looks reallly good now, and eats loads!

WE WILL RECOVER
391 Angel // Jun 3, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Hi everyone~ I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. I found this site a few weeks ago and am looking for a smaller group for support, although it looks like I will be the old lady of the group! I’m 41 and in recovery. I returned home from an in patient treatment program after Christmas this year. I’ve had my ups and downs, but have been able for the most part to maintain my weight. I’m struggling a lot with the voice in my head that tells me to restrict. I’m uncomfortable with this new weight and have been restricting more every day. Does anyone know anything about anorexia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, because the thoughts are so obsessive. Is it a type of OCD?

Angel’s last blog post..Wendy Portillo Should Be Fired!
392 Saphire // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Aliyah! Hey! ya thats true- we can definitely recover 100 % and by god, we will!!! I am very happy to hear about your aunt! That is so wonderful! It makes me very happy to hear that, you have no idea! xx
393 Shannon // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:09 pm

Hey girls,
I haven’t been having the best day. I didn’t eat before my test today (but I think I did well…which is definitely a good thing)! And then I met my grandparents for lunch and I had a turkey “unwich” which is basically a turkey sandwich wrapped in a piece of bib lettuce. I would have much rather had a real sandwich with bread but I knew I would feel way too guilty. I also got chips with my “sandwich” because I knew my grandparents would think it was weird if I didn’t eat get them. However, I didn’t eat any of them and just pretended to have finished them and threw the bag away. I feel so stupid for doing this! Its a little bag of chips…I should be able to eat that and not feel guilty!! I have felt hungry all day and have been having only my safe food this evening. I don’t know what my problem is. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and am really nervous about it because I know I haven’t gained weight since my last appointment (I think I’ve actually lost weight). My mom’s best friend (who knows about my ED) hugged me tonight and told me how worried she is about me and that she can’t hardly stand to look at me. She had tears in her eyes and it made me so sad because I want to beat this so bad and I am worried about myself. I just can’t seem to get this stupid voice out of my head. I have been avoiding one of my best friends simply because I’m afraid to hear what she’s going to say about my weight. I get so emotional when people tell me how thin I am how bad I look (and I hate crying infront of people). My mom’s birthday is on June 5th and we are having a birthday party. I’ve been stressing about the dinner and icecream/cake we are going to have for a few days now. Its so stupid! I should be excited to have the ice cream and cake and a fancy meal out but I’m so nervous about it I feel like I should restrict in order to make up for the high calories that day is going to be. I just want to stop lying to my therapist (I’ve lied about my food logs and wore tons of layers/stuffed my pockets full of change when I go get weighed). I’m afraid though if I’m completely honest with her that I’ll be put into some inpatient program. I feel like this is the only place I can be 100% honest and not be judged. Anyway, I’ll let you all know how my appointment goes tomorrow. I hope you guys are doing better than I am. Good luck to everyone tomorrow!

Angel,
There is definitely a link between anorexia and OCD. I’m so obsessed with food its not even funny. I especially have a problem with weighing/measuring my food. I also cut all my food up into tiny bites to savor it. I HATE doing this. I wish I could just eat my food and enjoy it rather than think about it so much! Good luck and welcome to the site!!
394 Angel // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:23 pm

Inpatient treatment saved my life, but I did have to be the one to make the decision on my own to go. I know how hard that is. Unfortunately, I’m still ambivalent about recovery now that my weight has been restored. I can’t get the eating disordered thoughts out of my head no matter how hard I try, or at least I’m finding it hard to fight them anymore. It is so frustrating and disheartening. Good luck with your appointment!

Angel’s last blog post..Wendy Portillo Should Be Fired!
395 Tasha // Jun 4, 2008 at 2:22 am

Hey everyone,

I’m completely drained after my English Lit exam and it’s probably cos I slept really late but for the first time in a very long time, I ate until the minimum daily requirement for my height so I was really proud of myself but at the same time I felt guilty before sleeping but I didn’t purge or anything, I can’t purge for some reason, never been able to.

Aliyah, thanks for your advice, I was so frustrated, I finally got down to doing this and spent half an hour writing a long list of reasons why I HAVE TO RECOVER since my dad’s birthday was yesterday and he always thinks of me as his little angel even though I didn’t eat his cake (I understand exactly how you feel about your mum’s birthday Shannon) but I’m actually lying to him about my weight which makes me feel sooo guilty and I know the best birthday present I can give him is a healthy daughter so I NEED TO DO THIS.

Aliyah and Saphire, it’s great to how optimistic you both are but I’m a little but of a pessimist sometimes. It really makes me feel great that your aunt recovered though. BUT that doesn’t mean I’m not going to focus on recovering cos if I think I can’t recover, I know I’m doomed not to recover.

Shannon, I understand how you feel when people comment. One of my friends once told me that I was a ‘shadow of the person I used to be’. I’ll never forget that since it really hit home cos now I don’t feel as sociable as before and I used to be in the ‘popular’ group, I’m a little bit distant now. I think you should use that as an incentive to get better though cos the we all know this- by delaying our recovering, we just hurt the people who care about us most.

I’ve done pretty well today I think, I craved a burger so I indulged, now I’m a little guilty but I’m trying not to think about it since I have my grad ball next week, I still haven’t found a dress and I’m stick thin. Anyone have any ideas how to ‘hide my thinness’? If I can even find a dress that fits…
396 Aliyah // Jun 4, 2008 at 1:58 pm

aww tasha i have problems with clothes too
i end up buying kids stuff. shoppin is a bit of a nightmare with friends. theyre all fitted into everything, and everythings hanging off me.
dont have any tips, but its nothing to be ashamed of.

my exam was ok, it was pretty hard but im freee of examsss and schoool. got a long summer holiday where im going to focus on recovery i guess.
feelin big today, feel like i ate too much when in reality i know i didnt.

Angel yeah ocd and anorexia are linked. i get obsessive about things such as ho wmuch ive eaten and all the calories. its a pain! but i guess its faulty thinking. we have to learn an extra calorie does not do anything o us, no matter how it may seem!
hope everyones alright
x
397 Saphire // Jun 4, 2008 at 4:56 pm

Hi everyone! Hope everyone had a good day today. Congrats on being done with your exams and school! and welcome to the holidays:) May this be a summer of recovery for you and a great one at that
I had a bad day today. All I did was restrict and I feel guilty about everything I ate even though I barely ate anything. Im trying to convince myself to have a good big dinner because thats what my body needs but Im fighting with myself. That other voice is saying just have a light soup or something when I know that that is definitely not good enough. grrrrr this is such a pain. This is definitely a bad day for me, I dont know why. I tried on some clothes from a couple of months ago and that didnt go so well. Thats probably why Im having such a bad day. Im probably just imagining myself being bigger when in actuality Im not. But I dont know…
398 Angel // Jun 4, 2008 at 5:12 pm

Saphire,
I’m sorry that you had a bad day. I’m struggling with clothes at the moment also. My summer clothes fit tighter than last summer. They still fit, just not the same, and it is really triggering. It’s not like I can afford a new wardrobe. I hope that you were able to eat a good dinner. Maybe if you decide to do a light dinner, you can have a snack later on in the evening. Let us know how your doing

Angel’s last blog post..Release Your Road Rage In A Healthy Way
399 Sara // Jun 4, 2008 at 5:46 pm

Saphire and company that are struggling with clothes…

I can relate to what you guys are saying, because clothes definitely can be triggering–especially if you were expecting something to fit and you dig it out only to find it’s way tight. I even struggle with that 7 years later. This evening I went to put on this blouse that I felt sure had fit me last summer, only to be uncomfortably disappointed. I didn’t really notice the poor fit until it was too late and I’m sitting in church for 3 hours tugging and squirming and feeling those tight lines–ugh!

I’ve had to get rid of most of last summer’s wardrobe–mostly because all my stuff is either too casual or too low-cut and I work in a prison now, but what does look decent doesn’t fit anyhow. I can’t afford new stuff either. I’ve been trying to plump up my wardrobe by shopping at Goodwill and have actually landed some decent finds.

One way I like to look at it is this:
Styles change.
(So do people.)
What you wore last summer is probably out of date anyway.
If you can’t alter it, get rid of it.
Pass it on to someone who can squeeze a little use out of it before it goes the way of all clothes.
Life is too short to hold onto anorexic jeans.

Think of how pretty and fresh you’ll feel in something new/different/stylish/so-totally-you!

Thanks for letting me share, it helps to remember I’m more than the clothes on my back.

**We are precious and unique individuals, so let’s not let L.E.I. squeeze us into it’s mold!**
400 Shannon // Jun 4, 2008 at 7:07 pm

Hi guys,
My appointment went okay today. My therapist suggested that I join the partial hospitalization program that they have. This would mean that I would have to be at the facility from 7:00 am-7:00 pm. I would be eating all my meals there and doing group activities and one on one sessions all day. In a way I think that I need to do it and that its the only way I will truely get better but on the other hand I am taking a summer class at nursing school and don’t want to have to drop it. But like my therapist said, school can wait. I talked to my mom about it and she seemed to agree. Another reason why I don’t want to do it is because then all my friends and family (only my imediate family knows about my ED) would know about it and I don’t want that either. I want to get better so bad though. So I’m almost thinking that it would be worth it. I don’t want to get behind in school but I also don’t want to slowly kill myself! Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday and I’m super nervous about having cake and ice cream. I know I’m going to have to have some because everyone will expect me to but I know afterwards I will either 1. feel really guilty for it and restrict the next day or 2. binge for the rest of the night and feel guilty for it. Wish me luck…

I have been having problems with my summer clothes too. Mine are all too big though. I went on vacation with my family 4 months ago and bought a bunch of summer clothes for that and now none of them fit. They are all way too big and don’t stay on. I also don’t like showing off my body (especially my arms) because I get so sick of the comments. They are really starting to get to me!!! I hope you all are doing better than I am. Good luck everyone!
401 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 1:20 am

awww saphire, im sorry to hear that.
dont worry about it, try to see it as you look better in your clothes now, a bit healthier.
enjoy your dinner, ask yoirself, what do you really want to eat a soup or a nice dinner that you actually enjoy.

i kno its hard i find it too likethat, when one of my jeans from last year doesnt fit, but just throw it away and forget about it

shannon- if you think it is going to be beneficial you just need to do it, put yourself first and try not to worry about what others need to say.#maybe if you want to tell a few you can, but what matters is you need to be healthy and fit so you can study proeprly and do your classeswith a clear head and not thoughts of food!

good luck
hope u all hav a good day.
im going shopping with my friend . i hope things fit!
x
402 Tasha // Jun 5, 2008 at 5:29 am

Hey,

I think the best thing I did when I couldn’t fit into my clothes last time before I relapsed was to throw them away. My parents allowed me to go on a shopping spree and it was fun though most clothes still couldn’t fit me. So maybe that’s what you guys should do?

Aliyah, I am ashamed of my thinness because it’s blindingly obvious- you can see the veins on my hands really clearly so it sucks that it’s constantly summer here and it’s a bit weird to go out in jeans and a long sleeve top so I understand what you mean about feeling self conscious about your arms, Shannon. And Shannon, I don’t know how serious your condition is but school can always wait, it’ll always be there to return to but your health and life is something you can never gain back once it’s gone.

What’s really scary is I just looked at my ‘Why I should recover list’ and it says:

“Anorexia is thought to have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder, with approximately 6% of those who are diagnosed with the disorder eventually dying due to related causes.”

It’s always a constant struggle. I had a really bad day because I restricted when I was doing fine two days ago and now I know have to eat to make up for it but my exam’s been changed to the morning so I have to sleep early. I’ve messed up again.
403 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:55 am

Thanks for all your support. And yes, today I am going through my closet and throwing a bunch of clothes away because what am I doing to myself if I just have them there? Like Sara says- ‘Life is too short to hold onto anorexic jeans’ very true!!! Very true.
And to Angel- I did only have my soup for dinner, however, I had a bowl of cereal for a snack- well 2 bowls cause I love cereal! I have such cravings for carbs- like breads and cereal! Its so weird. When my friends are like craving chocolate and sugar, Im in dire need of bread or pasta! I guess its because Ive deprived my body of carbs all these years.
Anyway… Shannon, I very much agree with Aliyah. I think it would be beneficial for you and yes, what truly matters is to be healthy and happy in life. You need to recover. I really want you to recover. If I was your friend back home and I know about your ed, I would MUCH rather see you recover than like you said ‘slowly kill yourself’ which is really what this disease will do if help is not sought. This is such a hard thing to beat. Im seriously considering myself to go to intake at my hospital because I dont want to relapse and I reallllllly want to recover and live my life to the best of its potential Im wishing you the verrry very best! xx
Tasha- I read that stat actually recently and it scared me pretty bad! I cant believe it that I actually have this illness with the highest mortality rate!! Knowing this def makes me want to recover and not be a statistic! Im with ya when you have your bad days tho. I had one yesterday and have them all the time lol. I restrict and then feel bad about it and then binge when I have a moment of weakness. But thats all part of this I guess. I feel like Im getting stronger tho. I have to!! If I relapse, Im getting committed to the hospital and I dont want that. And besides, I want to get healthy so I can have a great life. Ya, I really dont want to worry about food for the rest of my life! xx
Have a good day the rest of you!!! Smile, be strong, be happy!!!
404 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 9:46 am

spahhire- you make me smile with your positiveness.
i went shoppig and NOTHING fiited and anything that did looked disgusting. so its definetly a boost to put on a bit of weight and fit into things.i dont want to wear kids clothes!
howveer i had a nice lunch with my friend but i was still hungry after my sandwich but i never ate anything else. i guess anorexia still has that big hold over me!!

but I DO not want any of us to be a statistic, so lets get better and get on with our lives. we dont want to regret this in the future

x
405 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 9:54 am

Hey Aliyah!!! Nice to hear about your day! Mine’s only starting- only about 11 in the morning here in BC! I do know exactly what you mean about fitting into things other than kids stuff! I hate trying on pants and the xxs in the normal women’s clothes just hang very unattractively on my hips. Its not pretty so ya, when I think about it, it will be nice to get curves. I mean, curves are beautiful! We are women and women have curves! haha.

Anyway… thats good you had a lunch with your friend! Its so great you are able to go out and eat amongst other people! I remember a couple months back, I just made excuses or got so mad whenever my grandma or dad wanted to take me for lunch! But now, Im happy that I can go out with a friend and eat lunch! Mind you- I still eat the minimum, like how you said, anorexia still has its hold on me as well. But hey- its a HUGE step in the right direction!!!!
Have a good evening Aliyah!! Good wishes for everyone else too!!! Im out for a job interview in an hour
406 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 10:20 am

Good luck in ur interview sapphire! what is it for?

and yeah it has a hold but it wont forever, we will beat it hehe
hope everyone else has a good day.

yeh i find it hard to eat with like people i dont know, and like at functions. I just avoid them. However a wee sandwich or cafe with a close friend or my bf is ok . but slowly i hope i can go out with all my friends and stuff

x
407 Jilly // Jun 5, 2008 at 12:13 pm

Hi all! Good luck with the interview Saphire and well done Aliyah for really pushing yourself to beat this.
I’m still not too great over in London! I have been resticting more and more and blaming it on “being too busy” or some other lame excuse. It is really bad when you stop and think and realise that you are lying to yourself! I went out for dinner last night with my mum and sister but barely ate anything. I had an avacado and chicken salad but barely ate it. My sister made comments on the texture of avacado and that really put me off. It seems that the slightest thing said about my food makes me not want to eat. I pushed things about my plate said things were over seasoned and too salty. Then today i just didn’t eat. I fell asleep in the car and fell asleep earlier on the couch. When i woke up my sister had made dinner because i didn’t have a chance to think about what i was eating i ate it all. I felt so much better but then felt bad that i had resticted all day again! I’m so scared incase i binge that i think i will have to have an early night.
I have made plans to go to inpatient care on the 7th of July. It is the only way to get better and stay better i think!
I have lost some weight since being in London and i find myself admiring it rather than realising that i need to be putting weight on not losing anymore!
Take care
Jilly
xx
408 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 1:18 pm

awww jilly, its good your going to thr inpatient care.
it’ll push u farr into the right direction!
i am proud of you, and wish u all the best.
still event though u didnt eat much at dinner, you stil went n its an achievement, so well done

hope u have a better less restricting day 2moro
x
409 Jilly // Jun 5, 2008 at 1:26 pm

Thanks! It is just hard over here. I really don’t feel comfortable in London. Can’t wait to get back to Florida! Although i have family here i just feel much better around the people i love in Florida and i miss my husband! (that still sounds funny!!) i’m sure tomorrow will be better i know what i have to do…it is just doing it that is the problem!
410 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2008 at 2:56 pm

well good luck! just take it a meal at a time
and enjoy london, i loveeeeeeeeeeeee it there!

x
411 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:36 pm

Hey everyone! Hope you all had a good day! I went for the job interview- its a clothing store in our mall- and I got the job! So I start next week and I think this will be really great in keeping my mind elsewhere rather than on my ed!! The only thing is- Im really going to have to try not to try things on for a while because well, Im going to change size and I dont really want it to be such a downer working there. but its all good

And Jilly! Deciding to go into Inpatient care is wonderful! Im very proud. That definitely is a step into the right direction and full recovery!!
412 Jilly // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:41 pm

Oh wow Saphire! That is so great! Congratulations! Another good point about the job is that you will see people of all different shapes and sizes and realise that you dont have to be skinny to be happy!
Yes the more you work the less you will be thinking about it! I am so happy for you! And wish you all the best
Jilly xx
413 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:48 pm

Thank you so much Jilly! You are very sweet! And I am just as happy for you as well and wish you the very best! xx Lets put an end to this ed nonsence!!!
414 Jilly // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:52 pm

Thanks! Everyone on here is amazing! Yes this whole stupid ED has been going on for way too long. IT has to get out of our lives now!
Jilly xx
415 Saphire // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:56 pm

And it will get out of our lives!!! We just have to take the right measures to make sure it goes and stays gone- like going into Inpatient! Thats wonderful. Im actually thinking of doing the same. I want to get all the help I can get to it does not take control of my life again. Healthy and happy right xx
416 Tasha // Jun 5, 2008 at 5:56 pm

Hey everyone,

Jilly, it’s great to hear you’ve decided to take a positive step towards recovery, I wish there was inpatient care here cos I have the whole summer now since my exams are nearly over and it would be nice to get back the weight before going to boarding school. Best of luck for it and I hope it’ll be successful for you so you and your husband can be even happier.

Saphire, congrats on your new job and like Jilly said, it’s nice to see all the different types of women and I do love their curves but it’s strange how I know that I would love to be able to wear my old bras and yet I don’t want to gain. I miss the curves cos then we can wear dresses and not look like little girls.

I’m going shopping for my grad ball dress so hopefully something fits and I don’t drown in it. Good luck to everyone today or I hope your day went well and you did your best since my day’s just starting here, not sure about the time difference.
417 Shannon // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:48 pm

Saphire,
Congratulations on your job! Your positiveness (I think I made that word up ) is really enocouraging!!

Jilly,
I think it will definitely be a good thing doing the inpatient program. I am really considering it for myself because like you all have been saying, school and work can wait but I need to focus on myself and getting healthy. Congrats on taking a step in the right direction…I know you are well on your way to recovery girl!

For my mom’s birthday dinner tonight we had hamburgers on the grill. I almost got into an arguement with my mom about me having a boca burger instead of a real hamburger. She really wanted me to have a real one for her birthday…and this upset me so much. I almost started crying (which I know is stupid and pathetic)! I just kept thinking about how I couldn’t have a real burger because for one I was going to also have a bun (which I didn’t want), and I knew I would be having cake later. But my mom went ahead and let me have a boca burger so that made me feel better…and I did eat the bun. I just tried to tell myself that a burger is suppose to be eaten on a bun…that’s what NORMAL people do!!! I did also have a little bit of baked beans but no chips. We had grilled veggie skewers too (I did eat my fair share of those). I was still hungry after we got done eating dinner but I felt like I should restrict since I would be having cake. When it was time for cake I did have a small piece but no ice cream. If it were up to me I definitely would have chosen to go without the cake but I just kept trying to tell myself its just a little piece of cake…I know I need it! I was also really worried about binging after having that stuff tonight but right now I don’t feel like binging so that’s good. I also don’t feel too guilty about the things I ate today but I do feel like I restricted too much during the day in anticipation of the stuff tonight. I also told myself I would be able to restrict all day tomorrow as a way to justify the dinner and cake I had today but I am trying to be rational with myself and realize that that isn’t necessary. So I think I’m improving on my thinking somewhat. You guys and your comments help me so much!! I hope everyone keeps up the good work. We WILL beat this!!!!!
418 Shannon // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:50 pm

One more thing,
I also told one of my best friends about my ED today. I know she suspected it and was very understanding. It feels like a relief for me to tell her and let her know what’s going on with me. It was really hard for me to talk about it with her but she was really sweet about it. It is relieving to know that you have so much support to get better. Good luck everyone!
419 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:35 am

awww shannon well done, you were open about it, and youre gonna have atonee of extra support from your friend now which will be sooo goood Shannon well done on at least having the cake. its inspriring, i still find it too hard to eat things like that.
but just tell yourself, you dont need to restrict. You enjoyed the birthday and you deserve to enjoy the food as much as anyone. You have no reason to restict.

sapphire well done!! ever so proud. like everyone else said, it will be great to see people of all diffeent shapes and sizes. im sure it will really motivate you!
420 Saphire // Jun 6, 2008 at 9:56 am

Good morning everyone! Hope its a good day for all
Good job Shannon! First off on eating the cake, I know it was only a little piece but congrats on having some anyway! Step by step and pretty soon you’ll be having a real burger But no need to restrict before and today as a justification. I know you want to but remember- its anorexia talking. It wants its hold to get stronger on you. You know better and need to tell it to **** off! (Hugs) Sorry if that was harsh- I didnt mean it so harshly. But lets try super hard to defeat it! I know you can! You have a ton of strength in you! And it is obvious by your posts that your thinking is improving! That is amazing! Im really proud Shannon!! You deserved the cake and honestly deserve anything good!
And also well done on telling your friend. Like Aliyah said, now you will have more support! The more the better!
And Tasha- good luck dress shopping! You will look beautiful in no matter you buy!
421 rachael // Jun 6, 2008 at 10:54 am

ah i havent been able to write for awhile but i’ve been reading all the post, im glad all of you seem to be doing well and are going to incare to get help! i think its a great desicion! but bla i’ve been have a stressful weeek, i hate looking at the scale but i always do it and im getting depressed cause idk i know i ahve to gain so it should be a good thing i’m gaining wieght but its’s stresing me out and my “skinny” jeans have been too tight latley i wish i could just throw them away but yea i just feel like right now i hate how my body looks and im gaining wiehgt and its freaking me out, i had a horrible day yesterday and restricted to the point my boyfreind had to force me to eat at like 1030 last night because i just felt so gross i refused to eat all day. but thank god today has been better i;ve been keeping busy so i dont htink about it much and i’ve had two meals but no snacking but at least im eating…i hate that im stressed out about gaining wegiht though i should be excited but i just keep getting more down on myself
422 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:38 am

Rache-ino no matter what its never going to be an esy process, but we just need to stick by it.
this is the hard hard hardd bit, n in the end we are going yo come out stronger, and be ever so glad we did it.
And its soo nice ot hear youve got your boyfriend looking out for you. When u feel down and hrrible, just think how proud he would be of you

you are not alone in this battle
423 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:40 am

i just wanna add, i feel absoulteyl horrible today
i know how small and weak i look, but i just feel so huge

how i hate anorexia
424 Shannon // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:12 pm

Hey girls
Thank you so much for the encouragement! It helps so much!!

Aliyah,
I know exactly how you’re feeling. I feel like I have no energy and hate looking at all the veins in my arms…it makes me feel disgusting but yet, I still feel like a fat cow. Just keep pushing yourself to eat more to FEEL better. You are going to have so much more energy and feel alive again once you start getting the calories you need. I hope you feel better! Good luck!!

Rachel,
I know how easy it is to tell yourself to just restrict and that you don’t need to eat, especially when you have a lot of other things going on. I’m glad your boyfriend was there to make you eat and support you though! Even though you haven’t been having any snacks today it is still such a good thing that you had 2 meals. That’s definitely a big improvement over restricting all day long! Keep up the good work!!!

Saphire,
Thank you so much! You are so positive and its so encouraging for me to read your comments! They always brighten my day. How are you feeling today? And when do you get to start your new job? I bet you’re excited!

I have been restricting a little bit today but keep trying to tell myself that the meal and cake last night was completely normal and it was a GOOD thing. So I haven’t gone all day without food (like I would have use to)….so I think I’m starting to get on the right track of telling my mean, anorexic voice to f*** off!! I’m going out to dinner and to a movie with some friends tonight and will probably get something off the diet menu at dinner but I know I’ll eat it all and I also plan on having a snack when I get home tonight. I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Once again, thanks for the encouragement!
425 rachael // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Shannon- im gald you didnt starve yourself today that is so encouraging that you had cake last night and your not freaking out about it! i hope you have a good time at dinner tonight….ou should get something different you havent had and not on thediet menu! foods exciting try something new it should be fun to go out to dinner!
aliyah- your right im gald he was there to help me because i think i wouldnt have eatin at all i felt so weak yesterday but i also feltlike a huge cow idk how to even describe why we feel like that because everyone says i need to gain wiehgt but i just dont see it ah i dont even understand why i think like this i feel like whenever i eat im failing myself but thats the little voice in my head talking…and i think all women of every shape and size are beautiful so why cant i just not care? i dont know hwat it is with me because i dont judge people by looks at all so why should i assume they automatically judge me for how i look? i know i should just be healthy but its just hard
426 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2008 at 12:43 pm

shannon- thank u . i really needed to hear that, i DO wanna get better, but i just i dunno. i guess im just finding it hard to motivate myself.
rachel- yeah ino i cant see it too. when i look in the mirror i see fatness. its so weird.

but the fact is we all feel the same, so it is proof tht its all a delusion nd its all in our minds. cause in reality we are all realllllllllllllly slim and need to gain weight.

x
427 Jilly // Jun 6, 2008 at 4:27 pm

Hey guys. Good to hear that you are all doing well no matter what kind of day you are having today.
I feel so guilty.. Today i restricted because i knew i was going out for dinner with a friend. So all day i have had a yoghurt (and a lot of coffee). Anyways i fell asleep and was late meeting my friend. When i did i suggested that we just go for a drink rather than dinner “because eating is over rated”. I can’t believe i even said that. So a vodka later i felt really tipsy and spent the rest of the night on water! I can’t believe how far anorexia can get into your mind. I thought i was getting better and then i have a night like this that reminds me just how strong i have to be in order to get over it! It is so scary!

Take care
Jilly
xx
428 Saphire // Jun 6, 2008 at 5:13 pm

Hi everyone!
Thanx Shannon, I try to keep as positive as possible and take my own advice but its not easy. I wish I could say something really encouraging but anorexia gives us all good moments and bad ones.
I did not have a good day today. Fridays are always bad is seems because I know tomorrow is the weekend and Im usually out with my mom or with friends and then the whole eating out stuff, and I tend to restrict soo much on Fridays! And I made sure to take a very long walk today- and a power walk mind you to ‘burn’ off calories!!! That was NOT good. And the stupid thing was I knew I shouldnt be doing it but I did it anyway. But in a better light I was feeling hungry an hour ago, well not hungry but really wanting/craving some crackers so I fought that voice in my head and had them anyways so that was good. The walk not so much Anyway I guess its good I know that it was wrong, I dont have anything to exercise off anyway and if I want something to eat I should have it!!!! I should really treat everyday the same- not restrict on one day so I can ‘live’ for tomorrow. Thats really the wrong thing to think and that is just anorexia talking. So no, Im going to challenge myself and forget about the walk next friday because my body cant do it! Im going to have a good day tomorrow- I will do my best to make it a great day and not worry about food. Weekends are supposed to be great so ya I think I’ll make it that way.
Okay- this is getting a little long- welcome to another one of my essays

Everyone- please dont restrict. I restrict and feel so unbelievably crappy about it. Not only do I feel guilty for restricting but my mind gets weaker the more I restrict and I cant think clear and rational and then my body wants to binge and binge even more.
I too hate my veiny arms, they are really disgusting to me and seeing them in the mirror makes me realllly want to gain weight because I wont even go without long sleeves and I live in a desert city and its sooo hot here. I hate it!!!!

And I know, just like you said Aliyah, when I look in the mirror I see something very different than reality. I see fat- like you and the rest of us but its NOT true. Isnt it so weird how we see something that is not real?

Anyway- we just need to be strong and realize its only a lie what we see. We need to eat so we can get stronger so we can see whats really there. k- Im just rambling…
I hope everyone has a good rest of the day or night PS- Shannon- hope you have a good night, and ya try something new!!!! Life is all about trying new things and remember- doesnt revolve aroudn food and the size of our asses hehe xo
429 Tasha // Jun 6, 2008 at 9:10 pm

Hey everyone,

Saphire- it sounds like you have a lot on your mind. I used to over exercise a lot and one day I just decided to take a break and it felt really good though I did feel guilty. It’s easier to stop the exercise than to stop counting so I guess that’s one positive step so try to avoid the power walk next Friday and see how you feel. But it’s also easier said than done. I find that when I restrict, I just end up eating more at night.

When I was looking for my dress yesterday, I felt like crying so badly cos NOTHING COULD FIT ME and I was literally drowning in it. I felt especially bad in one shop where the mirror was outside and I heard girls making comments at my veins. For some reason, they always target the veins. Eventually I found a dress but it’s quite body hugging in it’s little black dress way but I don’t know. I feel like skipping my graduation when I shouldn’t.

It’s strange how we all see the veins we know we’re thin and yet, somehow we set fatness. But, I found a website yesterday which sort of made me a little more relieved about how much I eat- it said:

“To avoid bloating, abdominal upset, and fluid retention, those who are severely malnourished are started on a diet of 1,500 calories a day, gradually increasing to as much as 3,500 calories. Because anorexia triggers changes in metabolism, high caloric intake may be necessary to stimulate weight gain.”

So I’m guess under 1500 is unacceptable for any of us. =S
430 rachael // Jun 7, 2008 at 4:54 am

hi everyone, ah im not gdoing great i hate my body right now i feel so disgusted wtih the way i look, i was also wondering will our bodies ever go back to normal like if we increase our calories and i know well gain a lot at first but will it ever likeeven out? i im like freaking out cause i hate how my body looks right now and i feel like i should work out and restrict and those arent good ways to deal with this but i feel like i cant do nothing i look disgustinggg
431 Saphire // Jun 7, 2008 at 6:45 am

I know what you mean Rachael. Im not too pleased either when I look in the mirror sometimes. But our bodies will get back to normal if we increase our calories-and no 1500 is DEF not enough for any of us. My doctor told me if I was to go to inpatient he would put me on 3500 calories because the more calories you get the quicker the recovery and the quicker your body is to get back to normal. This sounds painful! But I can understand the truth to that. Doing recovery on my own right now, Im eating 2000-2500 a day and I feel like I am gettting stronger mentally and quickly aswell. I have way more good moments than bad ones. So I believe that statement posted by Tasha. We should all be eating from 2500-3500 calories right now so we can get out of our hole quicker and have our bodies even out quicker.

Tasha- Im glad you did find a dress!:) Ignore the comments, they have no idea what you are going through! And ‘little black dresses’ are very beautiful! Dont skip grad, please, you will probably regret it if you do. Its the funnest night of your life and you’ll miss out on so much if you dont go.
And remember too- how we hate how gross our veins look on our arms- well these veins will go away once we get better so let this be another motivition okay? Lets get better and beat this so we can have beautiful arms free of veins -that sounds funny but its true!
Hope everyone has a good day today! xx
432 Tasha // Jun 7, 2008 at 8:45 am

Hey,

Rachel- yes, we will go back to normal like Saphire said and Jamie Lynn Sigler was anorexic once and I think she looks wonderful now.

Thanks Saphire, your encouraging words make me feel so much better and less uneasy about Graduation. I know I shouldn’t skip it and I won’t, I’ve booked my hair and makeup appointment today, paid the my deposit and for my dress so no turning back now.

The only thing is I find that anorexia’s made me more antisocial, not sure if it’s the same as everyone else so big social events are usually a trouble nowadays.

But I agree, we have to beat this. No more veiny arms, no more comments, and no more starving ourselves. Well, one step at a time since it’s going to be a hard fight, that’s for sure.
433 Saphire // Jun 7, 2008 at 9:16 am

That is wonderful Tasha! I am so happy you are going to your grad! You will have so much fun! I remember getting my hair and makeup done for grad- you feel so pampered
And just wait- you may think it will be strang since anorexia has made you abit antisocial, but once you’re there, that will go away and you will really enjoy yourself
It will be a hard battle but one worth fighting! People survive this as will we! Happy and healthy!!!!! xx Later!
434 Aliyah // Jun 7, 2008 at 11:01 am

Tasha- awww no dont dare skip graduation. I have my prom on thurs and im soo scared for the big 3 course meal but i want to do it at the same time. Just keep eating, in the end its gna benefit YOU.Dont please anorexia.

Sapphire, its really good ur having more good moments. is it like the more u eat, the more u begin to feel better because ur winning? Ive been on the same sorta calorie ‘diet’ for ages. i dont eat enough, and some days i eat way to less, some days a bit more. but i know i need to eat more.
Rachel- yeah like the guys said, it will even out. It depends on edveryones own body how and when, buit just let it be natural. Dont try to make it fast or slow it by exercising and restricing anf stuff. Just let your body progress into its natural self.

im havin an ok day i suppose. didnt have a biig dinner or lunch i guess but i fel really full. I know i need to eat more n push myself. but im finding it hard too :/

x
435 Saphire // Jun 7, 2008 at 3:02 pm

Hey Aliyah- ya its kinda like that- the more I eat, the more I win. But really, food is a medication to this disease. The brain NEEDS food and not just a little, but a normal diet to function properly. When it functions properly it allows the mind to see things differently. When it is weak with no food, anorexia wins. Anorexia’s voice gets strong with no food, so feed the brain and we win! But yes, we all have our moments. I was never admitted to the hospital but my mom was strictly told by a doctor that if I was admitted, I would be put on a very high calorie diet- MUCH more than any of us can imagine right now and it would be a month and I would be recovered. This was a very good doctor who specializes in eds. And girls who have come from inpatient after a couple of months of high calorie diets are able to see clearly and recover quick. So it only makes sense- the more we eat, the quicker we recover! Thats why Im really giving serious consideration to admitting myself, because I really do want to recover. I dont want to prolong my recovery by you know, restricting here and there and then eating really good one week and such. But anyway… we will win this- we just have to eat more!! Food is medication remember! Im with ya Aliyah- fight hard!! xx Hope you had a good day!
436 heatherlynn // Jun 7, 2008 at 4:14 pm

hi I am going through a very rough time…I hv been out of partial hospitalization ed trtmnt for 3 wks now, I have gained weight but its all uneven and altogether I hv gained 50 lbs from where i was at I was 81 now I’m 130 at 5ft 7 24 yrs of age. Can anyone tell me how long it took them for their weight to redistribute evenly throughout their body. I am so uneven right now that I look pregnant and I hv a puffy face and I am miserable. I just wnna look normal … plz feel free 2 email me I am in a drk place in which their seems to be no end.
437 Sara // Jun 7, 2008 at 6:16 pm

Hi, Heatherlynn,

I hope you will get used to your new reflection even before your weight redistributes itself. (I have 1 or 2 pictures where I looked a little awkward, but not after that first summer.) It must give you a double-take to look in the mirror and see something other than what you’re used to. Even if that “other” is coming closer to the beautiful person you were created to be.

I like that term, “beautiful person” (such a hippie phrase!), because you are so much more than an outline. You are an intelligent person with a caring heart who deserves to be **loved**!

Here’s something to read that might help you…
http://www.velveteenprinciples.com/excerpt/index.htm
438 Shannon // Jun 7, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Hey everyone,
I felt like I had a pretty good day today. I think I restricted a little more than I should have but it wasn’t too bad all in all. I felt happier today and didn’t find myself focused on food so much which is definitely nice! Dinner with my friends last night was ok. We went to a mexican restaurant and I didn’t have any of the chips/dip appetizer because I thought that if I had one I would binge and not be able to stop. I ordered a grilled chicken taco salad and ate all of it (with salsa as dressing because they didn’t have fat free), but I didn’t eat the shell it came in. I did have a snack when I came home though so it wasn’t too bad. Tomorrow I am going swimming with my mom and some of her friends. I’m kind of nervous to be in my bathing suit because I don’t want to hear peoples’ comments! But I think most of the girls that are going to be there know about my ED and are concerned/worried about me so hopefully they will be understanding.

Saphire,
I love how you are referring to food as a medication! You are SO right. We all need it!!

Heatherlynn,
From what I’ve read and what my nutritionist has told me the weight will redistribute once we get back to eating normal again. It just takes awhile for our bodies to adjust and realize that we aren’t starving anymore. Don’t worry…just stay healthy. I’m sure you look amazing!!!

Aliyah,
I like the fact that you said that we all feel the same way, which just goes to prove its the ED and not reality. That made a lot of sense to me. Thanks!

Just curious, would anyone be interested in trading pictures? If not I completely understand, but it would just be nice to put a face with all you girls’ sweet comments and stories.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Keep up the good work girls…we WILL beat this!
439 Tasha // Jun 7, 2008 at 10:36 pm

Hey guys,

Shannon, you sound a lot more positive and happier than your previous posts so I’m really happy for you and keep it up cos then you’re well on your way to recovery. As for the pictures, I wouldn’t mind trading pictures but at the same time, I’m a bit reluctant to since do you think it’s wise for us to see other girls who are just as skinny as us? I don’t know, the ED voice might start to make us question whether we’re too fat or something.

Aliyah, best of luck for your prom, I think we all know how it feels to be scared of eating that much. I don’t even know how I’m going to eat at Grad, ours is a 5 course meal- any big school event in my school always is. And it’s a good thing that you ate your lunch and dinner till you were full. Even if you don’t think you ate enough, at least you were full so you didn’t restrict and eventually, your appetite will grow (in a healthy way) so don’t feel upset about it, take it as a positive step to recovery.

Saphire, yes, food is our medication. It’s amazing how the cure to our ED is something as simple as food when the ED itself is so complicated.

But the good thing is, summer’s starting and that means no more exams and school for a bit so we can all really focus on recovering and make it our priority so we can all feel healthy and give our body what is so desperately needs. For me, I found the stress of exams usually got in the way.

Hope everyone had a good day or will have a good day.
440 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2008 at 2:04 am

Shannon- hey yeah i wouldnt mind traind pics. you have an email addy or something like that?

Sapphire- thank u so much. that makes so much sense. i am definetly going totry and eat a bit more and win:D keep going too. i know there will always be dark, hard days, but there will always be good, sunny days and yeah food is our medication definetly. we need to have it no matter what and how we feel.

Tasha- thank you. i am going to use it as a big step fowars and not BACK as anorexia may like. you too, see it as a step in the right direction.
just enjoy the food, im partly looking fwd to it, and thats the old aliyah side coming bak.
Heathelynn- hey there. i dont know much about weight distribution. but so far all mine has gone to one place, so it is just a natural thing, and it will even out. Yur body needs to trust you again. when it does it will even out. its so used to being starved i gues, it needs to keep it in the places the body needs it most first. but keep with it, it may seem hard, well it IS hard, but its WORTH IT.

Keep your head up andbe proud youve come this far
441 Sara // Jun 8, 2008 at 4:46 am

I’m inclined to agree with Tasha on the trading pictures idea. I wouldn’t mind if people saw me, as I’m not skinny, I’m just me. But I wonder if it wouldn’t make us more focused on outward appearances than we are already?

When someone says to me, “I’m fat”, my gut reaction is to look them up and down and judge, “No, you’re not–you look fine.”

However, I remember that especially during early recovery, when I was having a “fat day”, there was usually something else bothering me, and feeling “fat” was just a way of putting it onto the surface. Even to this day, I think my struggle with the gym has been a surface way of covering up how I feel about this guy that I like…

I dated a guy recently for about 6 months. We eventually decided we weren’t right for each other, but part of it was the fact that I always felt pressured to *change* for him. He never really like me for me, he was always trying to measure me up to some ideal standard. At the same time, both my parents were heavily pressuring me to wear makeup, dye my hair, and dress up in ways that are totally NOT ME. I *never* wear makeup, and eventually I got tired of the charade. At that point, his interest waned and so did mine–I buried myself in novel-writing and tried to forget the fact that I was bored with him, too. Actually, I was the one who broke that off and I’m glad I did.

I’ve been single for over a year now, and there’s this guy in church that I think likes me. I quickly decided I like him too, and now I feel like I’m totally projecting a lot of my former boyfriend’s expectations onto him. It’s totally illogical. He’s never given any indication that he likes me for reasons other than my heart and my passion for Christ. But of course, I’m listening too much to my parents and not enough to reality, so I feel like, in order to “maintain” his interest (as if that’s something I could control!) I should get in shape and look nice for him. It’s totally messed up. I’m not sure what to do about it from here.

Wow, sorry this has waxed long. But anyway, yeah, I think that’s why body-image issues are coming out again after all these years.
442 Shannon // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:37 am

hey guys,
i totally understand about the pictures. its no big deal. my email addy is shanni0121@yahoo.com for anyone who does want to trade (even if its just a head shot). i hope everyone has a good day! my parents are planning a nice family dinner tonight so i know i’ll have a normal meal there and i’m going to try super hard to eat normal today and just not think about food. i’m off to the pool good luck everyone!!
443 Saphire // Jun 8, 2008 at 8:25 am

Good morning everyone! My day’s just started and Im hoping to make it a good one today I would love to trade pics with you Shannon but unfortunately my computer is incredibly stubborn and wont let me so easily However- Im getting a new one soon so def! And I would probably be a little more comfortable wiht just head shots because we are all still in the vulnerable triggering stages of anorexia so body shots might not be the best but I agree- I would for sure love to put a face to you wonderful words And I have to say, you seem a lot more positive in your last few posts! That is really wonderful! Im sooo happy for you, you have no idea. Fight hard- you are doing so great! And I love those taco salads! Lets go for the bowl next time though okay? We’ll both challenge ourselves because i usually skip the bowl too- but hey, its the best part

Heatherlynn, hello! I agree with Sara when she says we are more than an outline. We are all incredibly beautiful inside and outside. I know this disease makes it hard to see that but keep fighting okay? Keep strong. You want to win this and beat anorexia. I know you do- you want to LIVE life to its fullest and be happy and healthy. The weight does redistribute. I know girls who have recovered and their weight has redistributed. Its hard to believe that now but its true. Once you have been eating good food- a normal diet and consistantly, your body will stabalize. Your metabolism will start functioning at its best once again and yes, the weight will redistribute . Hang in there- keep fighting okay? You have come so far. Dont give in to anorexia, dont let it beat you! Like Aliyah said- be proud of what you have achieved so far and KEEP GOING!! xx
444 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2008 at 10:57 am

Sapphire- your posts so positive. i really hope u had a good day. udersever it so much,
your words froma previous post about how the more we eat the more our head becomes clear, made me finish off my soup today.
i was at my boyfriends, n i , yes ashamed to admit it, felt ike skipping dinner. so i settled for a light soup, and i didnt want it all, becuse i didnt know how many calories are in it. But i thought of your words and thought hey i need this, i shud enjoy it. i ate it all. so thnks sapphire!

I think al lot of the posts have been nice and postivie. its soo good 2 read. i always think about everyone throughout my day, wanting to share my gd news.. and bad when i have that!

Lastly before i go, i just wanna say, sometimes if anyones having a particulary bad day, and no ones online to reply, i found reading your own posts to urself, and pretend they are from someone else helps. u tell urself the advice u wud give them, and do it urself.u no what i mean?

Also uno i wish all of us, cud go out for a meal. A bunch of people WITH anorexia . We are not ANOREXIC. its something we have, not something we ARE.always remember that.
445 boywonder // Jun 8, 2008 at 12:06 pm

hi i am a recovering anorexic but i am finding it so hard and need some support from people who feel the way i do. i am 5 “1 and when i was let out of hospital i was 77 pounds. That was the last time i was weighed as i dont want scales 2 control my life anymore, and my therapist thought it wud be better 2 never weigh as long as i ate everything on my plan. I managed 2 do it for a while, but i reli cant deal with feeling full. Its not that i dont like food,i just feel completely fat and useless after eating, so i keep lying and not eating everything. I reli need some tips on how 2 convince me 2 eat, cuz my therapist told me he thought i was losing more, and if i countinue 2 look like im losin im gonna get hospitalised again. Do you have any tiips on how to motivate me 2 eat, cuz i reli dont want 2 go 2 hospital again, but this disease is so powerful..
446 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2008 at 12:13 pm

hey boywonder, allof us on this site are going thru/been thru what u have been.
ok firstl of all we all need food, if we dont have it, we cant function properlly. so if u find ur meals fill u up too much, have little often. like hve a small lunch, then something like 2 hours after.
the more u eat, the faster ur metabolism will speed up.
apart from that write down a list of the reasons of why u want to recover, think of all the wonderous places u can go out to eat and have WHATEVER you want on the menu. YOU deserve to enjoy food and why not eat? what do u gain ? the answer is NOTHING except a false sense of control.
Control the disease, dont let it control you.
Ypou are beautiful, no matter what anorexia may try to sau.
And someone really wisely said, food is medication for ur body. See it as medication, that u need to have it, and your body deserves it.

good luck, we are all here for you. keep posting and let is know how u do.
oh and a last wee thing, when u eat, a meal and feel quite full, do something else to keep ur mind of it. like reading, or watching a programme. before u know it, you feel beter
447 Shannon // Jun 8, 2008 at 4:42 pm

Hey everyone,
I think face shots are a good idea. There’s no need for any of us to focus on body…its about feeling healthy! I feel like I restricted during the day more than I should have but nobody said anything about my body at the pool so that was nice! I just ate dinner with my family and we had grilled fish, baked potatoes, salad, bread, and watermelon. I had all of the above and ate quite a bit. It was all really good and I feel pretty full. I will have a snack later once the fullness feeling from dinner goes away.

Boywonder,
Just keep trying to stay positive and eat all of your meals. I think it is easier to eat smaller amounts more often. That way you don’t feel like you are stuffing yourself but you’re still getting the calories you need to gain weight. Good luck and stay strong!!

Aliyah,
I think it does help to go back and read your own posts. It gives some insight on how you’ve been feeling in the past and how far you’ve come. Good idea!!

Saphire,
You are so sweet. Your comments always make me smile. I think its a good plan for both of us to have the taco salad shell next time because you’re right, that is the best part!! I hope you are doing well and staying strong. I think I can speak for everyone on this site in saying that you are such an encouraging and inspiring person! I wish you and everyone else struggling all the best!!!
448 Saphire // Jun 8, 2008 at 6:21 pm

Thank you Shannon, Aliyah! Your words are so sweet! as are you guys! And you always make me smile aswell!!!

Shannon- I am so glad to hear you had a good day at the pool! I love going swimming, but I havent gone to a public pool for such a long time because well, you know… the comments And I dont really enjoy showing off my arms. But I figure, Im going to go when I go on holidays next week because I love swimming and I shouldnt care about what other people think. Easier said than done true, but I need to challenge myself!! And that sounds like a wonderful meal you had!! Actually I had watermelon today aswell!! You are doing amazing Shannon! I know you still restrict- as do I, its all part of recovery. The crappy part, but at least we are getting stronger. That is obvious!

And Aliyah- it makes me soooo happy to know that you thought of my words when you were debating on whether or not to finish your soup! I actually think of you and your positivity and really, everyone on here when Im eating. It reminds me that I need to finish whatever it is Im eating and not throw it away because if I do- I’ll just be stepping back which is not good. You have come such a long way since December- like i said before- you’re my role model Its been 1 whole month today since I decided to turn my life around and you have been getting stronger and recovering for almost 6 months now- (I hope this is right)! This is so wonderful! you are doing great! And I so wish we could all go out together- that would be unbelievably great!!! A bunch of us-yes ‘with’ anorexia, NOT who are anorexic! you said it perfectly. We are in control- not the other way around!!

Keep positive Boywonder and strong. Keep eating consistantly and your metabolism will get back to speed and your mind will get stronger and you WILL beat this. Remember- if you think you look fat- it is only the LIE anorexia is telling you. Look anorexia in the face and tell it it is only a lie. The more you say that, the more you will believe it. You want to beat it! I know you do. Keep strong! We are all here in this together and will support you. Lets all stay on this road to recovery. Recovery is really the only road to life- and LIVING life- so to speak!
Hope everyone had a good day and I wish you all the very very best!!!! Talk to ya soon!! xo
449 Shannon // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:43 pm

Saphire,
You have made a lot of progress in just a month…I definitely know you will beat this!! I’m not sure if you have mentioned it before but do you or have you been seeing a therapist or nutritionist to help your recovery? I know exactly what you mean about your arms. Today when I was laying out next to my mom I made the comment that I hate how my arms look. She told me to use that as motivation to keep working hard to look healthier. Where are you going on your trip? And with who? I went to the Dominican Republic in March and it was AMAZING! I had a wonderful time! I love swimming so much too!! Don’t be afraid to be out in your bathing suit. I got some funny looks but just be confident in yourself and keep working to look healthier. I think its pretty good motivation to keep eating!

I just got my evening snack and I was going to have some strawberries and yogurt but I thought about this website and how I’m not going to let the anorexic bully win so instead I decided to have a bowl of cereal with milk! I haven’t had cereal with milk for so long (if I do eat cereal I just eat it dry) and its so good! I am not going to let myself feel guilty for it and might even have a little bit more!
450 Aliyah // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:31 am

Shannon- well done on your meal! it sounds really yummy tooo !omg well done on your snack. thats sooo good to hear seriously.
i havent had cereal in ages, but i really am going to soon. youve jus encouraged me here.
WELL DONE. keep it up . your winning you just kicked anoreixas butt there btw, by having the cereal instead of the fruit!

Spahhire- hope u have a gd day, and yeh u were right haha about 6 months. another 6 months n ill be free from this i hope!
eat your food, enjoy it, youve come soooo far too.
451 Saphire // Jun 9, 2008 at 9:07 am

Hi everyone!!
I hope everyone is feeling good today. Im not sure yet- my day’s just starting but Im gonna try and make it a good one!

Shannon- I actually have not been seeing a therapist or nutrionist yet. Im trying to find a therapist that I used to see a few years ago before I had this ed but I cant seem to get a hold of her. I think she might not be living in the city any longer. And I want to see a nutritionist- well I need to because it always seems like I need reassuring from my mom that this food or whatever isnt going to make me balloon lol. I have a doctors appointment after I come back from vacation and then I will be referred to one.

I would love to go somewhere like the Dominican- it looks so beautiful there! But Im going to be going on a road trip across Canada. I live in British Columbia and Im going probably to Quebec. Im looking forward to it but at the same time, Im realllly stressing about it because road trips consist of a lot of sitting and I wont be getting really any exercise and its really taking a toll on me worrying about it. Any suggestions anyone to put this worry at ease? Im going this Friday and will be gone for 5 days and Im stressin about it like crazy!!!!!! I’m not worried about the food or what Im going to eat because I’ll eat good and healthy anyway but just the not activity bit is killin me a bit! Help!!!

But Shannon- congrats on the cereal!! To be honest with you, I LOVE cereal and before I decided to kick anorexia in the ass, I only ate cereal on my ‘indulging’ or cheat days (Saturday and Sunday) but as of a month ago, I eat about two cups of cereal every night! and with some milk. I figure, if I want it, I should have it. If I dont let myself have something I really want, then Im letting ana win. Each time I do that, I step back one step in my recovery and I cant do that! So everyone- if you want something- because obviously your body needs it- have it! and enjoy it! Besides- cereal has carbs in it that we NEED- every person needs carbs so their brains can function. Honestly- after I have cerial- my mind is completly sharp. Its true! Ever since I put more carbs in my diet- oatmeal in the morning, sandwich at lunch, some kind of carbs for dinner and then cereal it has improved me sooo much!

Aliyah- you have come so far! And are doing so great! Dont give up! Keep on fighting! You’re gonna win as are all of us if we just keep going!

Have an amazing day everyone!!!!!! x0x
452 Saphire // Jun 9, 2008 at 9:11 am

wow- that is a long post- sorry guys! I tend to ramble on abit hehe
453 Aliyah // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:57 am

spahhire- dont worry about exercise, cause you know what. YOU DONT NEED IT. your going ot be on holiday so im sure you’ll be doing some waslking around and stuff.
but dont let it ruin your holiday. enjoy it . you deserve it.

ive had a good day today. even after dinner, i sat with my family. i never do taht, i usually stay in my room on my own. I just feel so much better these daays, and everyones comments and stuff really helps.
i appreciate ALL you guys soo sooo much.
454 Saphire // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:35 am

Awe thanks Aliyah, and we all appreciate you and your words of encouragment very very much!
I know I shouldnt worry about the exercise but that was a HUGE part of my ed almost bigger than food. And to even let it go for a few days, well its just kinda geeking me out a bit. But you are so right, I’m going to try my very hardest not to let it ruin my holiday.
Im so glad you had a good day today!! And your family must be just so incredibly happy that you are doing so well!
Have a good night Aliyah!
455 Aliyah // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:11 pm

sapphire- aww thanks yeah they said they can see a change in me, and its really down to ll yous. I dont find my counceller much help to be honest. i think i can open up easier to everyone on this cause i know your goin thru the same thing.

yeah i totally understand the exercise is hard, but uno ur on holidy im sure u’kk be wlking around n stuff.
if ur stayin in a hotel tehre maybe be a pool? do a bit of swimming. but enjoy it, its going to be great and new big step in the right direction eh
have a good day/night , dunno what time it is where u are. we r in diff time zones!
x
456 Sara // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:31 pm

Shannon,
Way to go girl! Each time you choose to listen to your body like that, you starve your disease and give more strength to your true self. You totally deserve it. (Doesn’t it feel great to sit down and eat exactly what you’ve been feeling like you want?)

Saphire,
That’s so awesome, I’ve always wanted to go to Quebec (and try out my little bit of French!) I think vacations can be stressful because our culture is so driven that we feel guilty just to kick back and relax, spend some “me-time,” eat out, or go to a spa. And sometimes that’s exactly what you need to do. As for your worries, you know it’s only your disease talking. You’re taking the week off, and you totally deserve it!

I’ve finally been taking my advice more about exercising. This week I’d planned to work out Monday and Tuesday, but as plans turned out, I’m at my mom’s house both days. So I was starting to feel disgruntled… and then I got my period. I totally can’t exercise because I get nightmare cramps, and my mom’s is the perfect place to just sack out on the couch with my guitar all evening. I felt it was like God’s way of reminding me He still knows what’s best for me.

Cheers, everybody!
457 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Aliyah,
That’s wonderful that you sat with your family after dinner!! I’m like you, after I eat a lot I usually like to be alone but I have been trying to be more social around food and not think about it so much so keep up the good work and I will too! I bet your family loved having your company and it also helps keep your mind off the food and anorexia. I know what you mean about your therapist. I was seeing one and I felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards so then I switched and like my new one so much better. But this site helps so much because you all know exactly what I’m going through. But just keep plugging along and keep up the good work…you’re doing so good! Well done girl!! And go ahead and have some cereal…it was so delicious (I think I’ll be having more tonight)!!!

Saphire,
I know what you mean about exercising! I was completely obsessed with going to the gym and working out for quite awhile. I even worked out for 2 hours everyday when I was in the Dominican on vacation. But at the end of April my gym membership expired and that’s when I made the decision that I had to beat this dumb disease. So I refused to let myself renew the membership and just quit going cold turkey (it was really tough the first week)! But of course I did other stuff like exercised outside instead but the weather wasn’t very nice at that time so I could only do that a few days a week. Eventually I started “working out” outside less and less and now I don’t do anything at all and its simply amazing!! None of us have the energy right now to exercise and we definitely don’t need to! But if you find yourself really worried about it while you’re gone just try to use the stairs whenever possible (that usually makes me feel like I’m atleast doing something) and go for walks when you get the chance (in the hotels or rest areas). Aliyah’s pool idea is also really good. Just stay out of the gym (if the hotel has one), because I think if I went back to the gym once I would get back into my exercise OCD mode and be doomed! I know you’ll be fine though…you are so strong and have come so far!! Road trips are so much fun. You’re going to have a blast!!
458 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:58 pm

Oh yeah,
I went shopping today because all of my summer clothes are too big and I was just going to get a few things (because I know I need to gain weight so no sense in buying a bunch of small clothes). And the sizes I was trying on were smaller than anything I ever expected myself to be. This was a real wake up call and motivation for me to EAT MORE and kick anorexia’s booty!!!
459 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 2:00 pm

Ah I keep forgetting things. Sorry for all the posts! But in a sick way being able to fit into the small sizes made me feel good at first. But then I talked myself through it and rationalized things in my head and know that was just the ED talking. I pushed those thoughts right out of my mind though and turned it into motivation to gain weight!
460 rachael // Jun 9, 2008 at 3:48 pm

Hey girls! im glad to hear you have all been doing wel i’ve been reading the post gah a lot! hahah but thats good i have had a rough couple of days thats why i ahvent been on but today was good, i ate pretty decent! and by reading your posts you all seem to be in a good positive mood im glad! btw i would be willinging to give a head shot too not body…i ten to still compare myself to everyone so it would prob discourage me you know?

shannon- im so gald you changed your mind about hte samll sizes…i was like that too when something small fit i was in a sick way happy about it but when my jeans stopped fitting and zeros wouldnt even fit i was so embarrassed i wouldnt waer jeans only sweats so im glad the small sized make you wanna gain! thats one thing that helped me was when i couldt even fit into a 0 and now i almost fit into a size two just right!

saphire- i hope oyu have a fun trip! that sounds excited i would love to go on a road trip…im actually going to the beach tomorrow till friday im excited and its with my best freind and shes one of the only ones that knows about my ed so i am not worried about how i look around her ! but yea the excersize thing dont sweat it b/c you dont need to wrok out it will be a fun break! and you will probably be busy with all the excitment you will eat well too!! i hope!]\\

aliyah- im so glad your doing well! its great you sat wtih your family aafter dinner i wish i could do that haha i cant even have dinner with my family…my sisters are too judgmental and really discourage me b.c they dont know about my ed only my mom and she told my dad so my sisters call me anorexic all the time not even knowing so it sucks i usually still eat alone, i wish i c=had the courage to sit with my family and have a big dinner like when i was younger

sara- thats good your at your moms place it sounds so fun haha i wish we could all like have a sleepover and talk about these things in person this site really helps me cause no one around me understands it you know? im glad your getting better it sounds like! and it probably is god’s way of helping you haha i totally believe in that!

well i hope everyones day is going welll and if not im here to talk!
461 Saphire // Jun 9, 2008 at 5:31 pm

Hey everyone!!
I hope everyone is doing well at this moment and had a good day. I felt kinda off mood wise. Im still constantly thinking about my upcoming holiday-ahhhh!! I should quit stressin tho. And all of you- you are right! I do not need to exercise. Its just that I was so obsessed with working out like 2 and a half hours each day prior to this month. And also as time goes by and Im eating so much (well a far leap from before) and the fear of gaining a whole bunch of weight gets bigger, I panic at the thought of no exercise for a whole week. But you guys are right, its not like I’ll be glued to the seat of my car the whole time! And of course like you said Aliyah, I’ll be walking around. So ya, I shouldnt stress. Reading everyones posts are so encouraging to me, they really are. You have no idea how glad I am to share my thoughts with all you guys. I dont really have anyone else. Theres my mom, but shes not dealing with it so she doesnt understand as you do. So thanks!

Rachael- Im glad you are doing better. Everyyone has their rough patches and yes, you dont feel like writing. I have been keeping a recovery journal since I started and its funny, when I have good days I can write essays but when Im not, I dont even want to do anything! But Im super happy you are doing better. I love that amazing feeling when you know you are on the right track and need to eat to get healthy and when ana is not in your head! So keep strong and fighting!!! And have fun at the beach tomorrow!!! Im envious! The weather has been so awful here the last week its just so gloomy. I wish it would get hot enough to go to the beach!

Sara! Its good to hear from you and you sound like your doing pretty good Have fun at your mom’s okay? that honestly does sound fun just lazin on the couch with your guitar. I play guitar as well. Its amazing how when Im feeling down I just pluck away at different tunes and get lost in the music.

And Shannon- I totally know what you mean with shopping. A few months back I was secretly happy I was so thin that double 0 wouldnt even fit me. Now I realize that no one should be that thin if its unnaturally thin like we are. I have a pair of capris in my closet and I am so wanting them to fit again. I want to fill them out because now they just hang and look awful! Curves are beautiful. I mean we are women not underdeveloped children- thats what Ive been told I look like- an underdeveloped child. And its true! I am able to see that now, and as I gain weight I realize that the curves I get eventually will be so beautiful and I strive for them! This is a moment when ana isnt talking- can you tell? haha but its true. When we see things hang on our bodies- it is a true reminder to kick ana in the ass big time!

Yup- I think this is another one of my essays lol. But anyway- I love to talk can ya tell? Good positive wishes and hugs to everyone! xx
462 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 3:17 am

sharron- thats really good about your rationalising about the sizes. i get that thought too, when i try on stuff and its the smallest size, and it doesnt fit. but at the same itme, part of me is annoyed cause it means it doesnt look nice on.
but i guess its proof, anoreixia plays with out thoughts and tries to alter them. So dont let it!

Rachel – sorry to hear uv had afew hard days, but its all part of the process isnt it. Hope its many good days though to come:D
sapphire- i can imgine how hard it is. i had my exercise obseesion too, but i stopped when i realised i dont need it. And like everyone said, your going to be having such a good time, enjoying your holiday you wont even notice about the lack of exercise. And remember dont let anorexia meddle with your thoguhts, if u think something like omg if i dont exercise all week im going to gain so much weight. just remember thats anorexia, thats not reality. Its more like, ok i may not be exercisisng, but its not going to make much difference cause my body needs the food for energy, and i will be doing some exercise.
enjoy it. its going to be a huge step in the right way:D

have a great day everyone!

x
463 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:21 pm

hey everyone. im sorry i havent been on in quite a while now. my life has been crazy busy!

i recently started throwing up again. i went through that a little before..before the anorexia got bad, then i just stopped throwing up but stopped eating. it seemed i was getting better and better but in the last month or so even my mindset seems to be different. for a while when someone would give me something to eat i would either eat it(at least some) or be upset that i couldnt get myself to. but no matter what there was some part of me that WANTED to eat. now when someone gives me something i dont WANT to at all. its like i completely hate food again. and then when i do want something and i eat it i throw up after. idk what to do.
i have a dance show in a couple days.. i just dont want to pass out on stage. i want to dance the best i can.
464 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:25 pm

www ryanelle im so sorry to heat youve been having a hard time.
you need to tell yourself, tht for dance you need to be fit n healthy.
you want to have a strong healhty body so you can dance the best u can.
you dont want to ruin your dance career do you? of course u dont, but anoreixa does, so dont let it!
be strong
x
465 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:38 pm

thanks:)
its just everytime i eat i feel so grose and i get sooo mad at myself so i just throw up. it never makes me feel better though so i dont really know why i do it.
i want a normal life. but i cant help wanting to lose weight too. and that voice is always telling me that i shouldnt have stopped dieting and now i have to start all over again. i know i shouldnt start over again though..
466 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:41 pm

after you eat u shud do something to keep ur mind off it like got for a walk, or read something.
purging has hprrible effects, it ruins ur throat, u can get affections and ulcers.
Think of all the horrible effects.
and u sed that u want a normal life, thats the REAL ryanelle, the but saying i want to lose weight is anorexia.
dont let it win.
ino how hard it is, but u did soo well, u got 2 ur ideal weight didnt u?
dont let anorexia take over agen1
x
467 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:48 pm

yeah you’re right.
okayy..im gunna really really try not throwing up again.
i think maybe i got to this weight too fast. i got sorta ahead of myself and now that im there its too much for me to handle, you know?
ima keep working though. thanku
how’s your recovery going? how far along are you?
468 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:52 pm

yeah just go at your own pace
ive been really good yeah, i found as i eat more n more my head is becoming clearer
today my friend offered me some of her chocolate yoghurt thing, n i normally wud have sed no. But i had a few bites, and in my mind i was like omg im gna put on weight. but i realised that was anorexia messing with my thoughts. I jus said to myself, no ur not, its a few bites its not going to do anything to u at all

yeah , are u still at ur target weight or have u lost due to pruging?
just think u dont want to spend ur life purging, its not pleasant . I dont want u to do it, i hated it when i used to. everytimg i felt soo crap after feeling hungry and sore.
not the life any of us deserve. Specially as there are starving people all over the world.
we’re so lucky.
x
469 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:11 pm

oh thats awesome! good for you! just keep trying to not feel guilty when you are able to do things like that. live in the moment and enjoy it:)

im hardly ever around a scale anymore so i havent weighed myself. i might have lost a couple pounds but not anything really noticeable or anything. there are still some days when i manage to eat. but its never more than two meals in a day.
470 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:15 pm

yeah its usually better not to weight yourself eh/
the number just ruins ur day.
u still seeing the counceller?
remember, if the brain is deprived of food, it wont function properly. U give it food, u will feel better.
someone sed to treat food like medicine, eat 3 meals no maatter how u feel. even if its jus a little, cause its better than nothing.

and thanks, yeh im jus taking it a day at a time. i have my prom on thurs, and its a 3 course meal and im pretty scared about it, but i need to be able to do these sorta things if i wanna go out n eat with friends and stuff.
weight wise, ive still got a bit to go, i havent gained any in a while, ive jus been maintaining i guess. but i need to up it, stil not had my period and stuf so i know i have to push myself.
x
471 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:34 pm

try to think of that meal at prom as more of a fact than a question if you know what i mean. you can do it. and when you do just keep a positive mind set as best you can. DO NOT feel guilty. its a great step towards not being afraid of food. think of how proud you will be with yourself after..ill be proud of you too!
gaining is important. but taking it at a good pace is too..try gaining some more, i think you can do it:) doesnt matter how slow, any step forward is awesome, no matter how small!
472 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:40 pm

I know
but the thoguth is scary, its such a big meal :/
but i think of my dress, i look soo weak in it, i dislike the way i look in my prom dress, i had to get it al fitted n i know people are just going to be staring at how gaunt i look i guess. But i need to try and get over it.

you can do it too
just get comfortable with food think of ur dance when u have a bad day, and write on this, it does help
xx
473 rynelle // Jun 10, 2008 at 1:56 pm

eating the dinner will even help you look slightly healthier. it wont make you gain weight or anything but often when i havent eaten much for a couple days or even just one, the ppl im close to tell me i look sick. i have even gotten comments from ppl who dont know about any of this, asking if im sick or saying i dont look very well. but try not to worry too much. if you are thinking too much about food, weight and appearance then you wont enjoy yourself as much.

you’re right though, writing here does help alot!..i missed it
474 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2008 at 2:11 pm

awww i guess our bodies are so desperate for food, just depriving it makes it look unwell.
i wish i cud see myself for how i look. i look in the mirror nd ino i see myself as fat and big, but thats jus anorexia. i dont know what i look like.
my friends do make comments, caus ei eat really healthy and they all have crisps and stuff, and im still not comfortable with it. I just want to say sometimes PLEASE LEAVE ME BE i will get to the stage where i can have whatever i want, but let me get there yano?

as much as i hate to say it, ino on the day of prom, i will restrict a bit and probably have a relly small lunch so i can ‘eat more’ at prom.
i cant belive how much of an issue it becomes doing something like this. A few years ag it would have been nothing!
anywys i gta go, do reply, i’ll reply when i come on next.

take care, was nice speakin to u agen and thanks for listening. it helped
keep strong oki
x
475 Saphire // Jun 10, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Hey everyone! Hope everyone is doing good today!
Hi Rynelle! Do not give in to anorexia. It is being very bad, I can see that. Being a dancer- that is amazing! I’ve always wanted to dance professionally or in a class, you feel so free! But to dance your best, Aliyah is right when she says you have to be strong and fit and you need food to give you that energy to become strong and fit. Don’t let anorexia beat you. Stand up to it and fight like you’ve never fought before. Weightgain is a part of recovery- it is your goal and something to be proud of! Don’t let this disgusting disease beat you- be strong!
And Aliyah- your prom on Thursday! I am soooo excited for you! You’re going to have the best time and you will look so beautiful! Don’t restrict because you know you will eat at your prom dinner. Just treat it as a normal day and ENJOY every minute of it! You totally deserve it! If the food is amazing- have more! Eat a lot and enjoy it! Its all part of it and you will have so much fun. I so wish I could be there
Best wishes to everyone- stay strong! xx
476 Tasha // Jun 10, 2008 at 7:56 pm

Hey,

Rynelle- I’m sorry to hear that it’s beginning to take a toll on your dancing career but just look at this as a minor setback and move forward. I mean we all have our weak moments but what we decide do about it is really what counts. Don’t let anorexia compromise your potential because it eventually will and like you said, people can tell that we don’t look well- we always look tired, obvious eye bags and all. Though it’s really hard, just do it one step at a time but focus on moving forward.

Aliyah- I’m just as freaked out as you so I don’t know how to offer any advice. But one thing I found that helped was when I looked back at my prom photo in December, I looked so thin compared to my friends in their dresses and I told myself I wouldn’t be like that for Grad. Turns out I was wrong but I guess even if you see yourself as fat in the mirror, when you see your prom photos, you’ll probably realise that you’re not compared to everyone else. I think I’m going to print out a photo and stick it up so I can remind myself that I need to gain but it’s so hard- I don’t even know what to do about the 5 courses. I was panicking between chicken and fish for mains, cos I chose fish but now I’m worried that it comes with cream sauce which I shouldn’t be doing. But good luck for prom and hope you have a fantastic night, just try to focus on having fun with your friends and ignore their comments, they don’t understand what we go through, no one will until they go through it themselves.

Saphire- hope you have a great road trip and in terms of activity, I think you’ll probably find yourself to be doing enough. When I went for a road trip across the Rockies last summer, I was freaked out too but I found that when we weren’t driving, we were walking around and on our feet most of the time exploring stuff. I mean you’ll be on holiday with your family, having fun and stuff, not being cooped up in a car the whole day! So even though I know none of us need the extra exercise, but I suppose the thought that you will be doing enough is a little comforting and will prevent you from restricting.

Hope everyone has or had a good day.
477 Aliyah // Jun 11, 2008 at 1:30 am

sapphire- thanks. i really will try to enjoy it, i will. Its the alcohol too, and the pary after, so many calories. but i know i neeeed it. im going to kick anoreixas butt!
hope u have a great day, when is ur away on holiday?
like tasha sed you will have great time n u will be doing some exercise, so dont fret lovely!
you can enjoy urself, enjoy food, and be happy

Tasha- yeah ino how you feel. when is it?
mines is tomorrow so im going to be anxious now till the event!
just try to enjoy it though, u dnt have to eat every single thing, jus eat and see how u feel.
fish sounds yummy, and is healthy! just add a little sauce if u get it, uno, dont worry. i’ll be going thru the same thing, n we both have the same thoughts which just proves its anorexia playing with our minds agen.
i ordered the vegeterianis dish for prom, but i have no idea whats in it.
tomorrow will tell i guess.

x
478 Tasha // Jun 11, 2008 at 4:46 am

Hey,

Aliyah- My grad ball’s on Friday, a day after your prom but it’ll probably be on the same day since I’m about half a day ahead of you I think. I’m really anxious about it too, I’m even planning what to eat on the day itself like breakfast and lunch when I know I shouldn’t but the thought just seems to creep in. But yeah I agree with you, the fact that we’re both fretting about it is the anorexia voice, I mean the old me- LOVED food, I still do but two proms ago, I never cared about it, I just enjoyed it.

Well best of luck Aliyah, I’m sure you’ll look stunning and enjoy being pampered! Is this your last prom? If it is, make the most out of it and hope you have an amazing time.
479 Shannon // Jun 11, 2008 at 8:06 am

Tasha and Aliyah,
I know what you’re both going through. But like you’ve been telling eachother…just enjoy yourselves at your dances! You are going to have so much fun I bet the food won’t even be as big of an issue as you’re thinking it might be. Don’t worry about the sauce on the fish. If there even is any I’m sure it won’t be bad for you and you need it anyway girl! I bet you’re both going to look so beautiful in your dresses. I think seeing the pictures next to your friends will help you realize that you need the extra calories. I know I don’t see myself as too thin when I look in the mirror but when I see pictures of myself where I’m next to the friends that I think are “skinny” I look really gross. Its definitely good motivation to gain. So just eat until you’re full and eat what you want! I remember at my last prom (I’m a little older than you guys), the food was so delicious but honestly there was so much else going on (friends and dancing and pictures) that it wasn’t even that big of an issue. And you really don’t need to restrict before you go but I know how hard it is! So maybe when you are planning out what you’re going to have beforehand just plan to have some healthy things…but make sure you get enough calories. Get the right mindset…don’t think about restricting think about eating healthy. You are both strong and I know you can do it! You are both going to have so much fun!!! ENJOY YOURSELVES….you guys deserve it!!!!
480 Bob // Jun 11, 2008 at 7:28 pm

hey everybody, well…I’ll just jump right to it. One of my good friends has been battling anorexia for a little over a year now. She recently received treatment for a three month period over this past school year and she is doing very well getting back into the swing of things here at home. She is a very tough girl and very capable. Yet sometimes you can tell she gets frustrated with having to deal with anorexia constantly. I’ve been looking everywhere for tips or advice on anything I could do to help her. This girl means a lot to me and I would do anything to see her get better and I want to do all I can to prevent a relapse. I’m usually very good at pin pointing psychological problems and reasons for certain behavior (the girl I’m talking about has even said so herself) but I can’t get my mind around anorexia…I just can’t understand it. Which is why I feel so inadequately supplied to help her recover. If anyone could please tell me anything I could do to help her recover or provide any insight into why anorexia looks appeasing to anyone it would be greatly appreciated. I respect your right to not answer my questions as I don’t wish any of you to revisit any feelings you’ve experienced in your struggles.

I also just wanted to say that I believe that all of you have the strength and the courage to overcome this disease. You also have the love and support of others here at this very website that know exactly what you are going through. The road will be long and treacherous, but you don’t have to walk it alone.
481 Aliyah // Jun 12, 2008 at 12:11 am

hey guys well todays my big day! im so scared about the meal at prom.
yesterday we had a rehersal for prom, and graduation, and my friend sed she overheard people talking about how skinny i looked and that if i fell i wud break,
it was really hurtful, and i gues its telling me i need to eat this whole meal at prom caause i need it.

Bob hey there. Im glad to hear ur friends doing well. but anorexia is such a complex disease, everyones going to have bad days.
U need to keep in mind, people with anorexiaa have disordered thinking, and think negatively about anything. so if u find ur friend doing, that try to para[hrase it, for example if she sed i cnt eat this, i’ll put on weight say like this is a tiny little bit of food that u need, n uno ur not going to put on weight.
But I think just being realy understanding about things and knowing sumtimes she cant maybe finish things is important, and constant re assurance that she is doing really well.

Tasha best of luck too. im sure you will enjoy it, and the meal and look stunnung too.

x
482 Saphire // Jun 12, 2008 at 9:32 am

Aliyah! Your big day! Awe Im soo happy for you! and you too Tasha! You guys are going to have so much fun I just know it! And in your beautiful dresses, I can imagine how beautiful you will be. I really wish I could see both of you! Do NOT worry and fret about the meals. They are going to be healthy no matter what.
Tasha-fish is a GREAT choice! It is good and has everything you need -protein, HEALTHY fats (which we really really need) and will give you tons of energy! And dont worry about the cream sauce, it won’t do a thing to you! Enjoy it! you deserve it!
And the same for you Aliyah- you meal choice sounds wonderful too! Remember- eat enough, you dont want to be hungry because you will be dancing and expending so much energy- energy which really none of us have to expend. So eat until you are full and also enjoy it!
I hope everyone else is doing good! I worked my very first day yesterday. I was on my feet for 9 hours straight walking around getting clothes for people and putting things away. I now know that a month ago before I decided to turn things around, that I would never have survived doing a job like that. Being that I was sooo exhausted and spent after yesterday because I didnt eat hardly enough to give me enough energy, I would have surely passed out before! This just made me realize that in order to work my best at this job and anything in life, I need enough food to give me the energy I need, and to live! So this was quite a wake up call. I worked at this same place a few years ago before I had this crappy ed and I was very fine doing it but yesterday I realized that I need to get my ass in gear and really start getting stronger. And everyone on here too- we need to get stronger so we can LIVE!!
Hope everyone has an AMAZING day today!! Have so much fun Aliyah and Tasha! Take in every memory and imprint it because its going to be wonderful!
Hugs for everyone and best wishes xx
483 rynelle // Jun 12, 2008 at 11:17 am

hey thanks guys! there are three shows..first one tomorrow and then 2 the day after. im really hoping ill be able to get myself together and eat so i can really dance my best and ENJOY it, instead having no motivation and feeling like i’m going to pass out.

tasha and aliyah- good luck! you can both do this! i believe in you! don’t let other peoples words bring you down. you are beautiful people and you are working hard to be healthy. don’t think about appearance, it doesnt matter. the food that you will have will do your body a wonderful favor! it will taste good too so let yourselves enjoy it!
484 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 12, 2008 at 1:35 pm

hey guys!
im 15, 5’4 and 90 lbs. i know i have a problem but i don’t know what to do. one day i was so depressed I told my parents that i ate like 1 meal a day. they sent me to a counselor but he was weird…what he was telling me was against my beliefs (Christian) so we left him… i had to quit school cuz i know the pressure of other people around me was what was causing most of it, so now i sit at home like all day… i started eating like normal but just a few days ago i (realized or w/e) how fat i was getting… i eat like an apple and half a normal supper for a light eater…i don’t wanna die but im so scared to be fat…what do i do????
(oh, did i mention my dr said that as long as i eat one meal its okay??? i know thats not right and i know im just gonna get worse, no one is taking me seriously!!!!)
485 Saphire // Jun 12, 2008 at 4:50 pm

No SilentlyAwaits- That is most definitely NOT right!!your doctor does NOT know what he is talking about! You can not live on only 1 meal a day! Your body needs much more than that! For 5’4 and 90 pounds- you are very underweight. And not the least bit fat! You are NOT fat. This is just anorexia telling you you are fat and I really don’t think you want to listen to that other voice telling you that. Deep down you know that this is true and you need to gain weight. You want to be healthy and happy in life. In order to be healthy and make the most of your life you need to eat. Try three meals a day and snacks in between. I know this is incredibly hard, all of us on here are trying and will beat this disease as will you. But you need to get stronger mentally so you can see that indeed you are not fat and indeed a person needs to eat much more than one meal a day in order to function. To become stronger, you need to eat. We are all here to support you, Im really sorry if this post sounded harsh in any way, but your doctor was definitely not right in saying you can live on one meal a day and Im surprised he did. You need to fight! This is anorexia taking control of you and you really dont want that. None of us want that. We all need to stand up to this disease and fight our very hardest and win!! Be strong- you will win! Best wishes to you and hugs! I know you will win this thing. Keep posting and keep us updated, we are all here for you xx
486 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 12, 2008 at 6:24 pm

Thanks Saphire. I’m just so confused. No one is taking me seriously… i am an insane insomniac without my medication… like four hours a night of sleep, so my mom thinks thats why I had to leave school… even though i told her it was cuz i couldn’t be around people til i was better… i don’t know how to tell them its not about sleep, its that i dont eat. No one is taking me seriously. Today I totally freaked out and am currently bawling cuz my parents were about to make me go around people…but i KNOW i can’t handle it yet…. agh!!!! What steps Can i take when no one believes me… it started out with a friend shorter then me… we were always about the same weight and stuff… then i grew and became like 98 lbs..i was excited and told her, then i found out she was less, and she isnt the skinniest person in the world. I was so scared that i did what i had to to lose weight… i know i can’t be around people cuz it just makes me feel fat… plus, unlike most of you, i never had any friends tell me i was too skinny, no one seemed to care. Mind you this is all coming from me in my depressed moods but w/e…I’m just so confused..People are teasing me (in that joking way but u know they know its still true) that im just a high school drop out… i hate it, its so ridiculous. Oh, and when i quit school i was doing great…til I looked on the scale and noticed I was almost 100 lbs… thats the scariest thing for me cuz like…its a whole nother digit added on… i dont know what my issue is…
487 Sara // Jun 12, 2008 at 6:42 pm

Hey, Silently, welcome!
Yeah, your doctor is a bad source. Believe it or not, most medical professionals are not required to take a course in nutrition. They pick up bits and pieces by hearsay. Also, the medical field is indoctrinated with this radical notion that “People used to have to hunt and forage for food, so millions of years ago we operated on this feast-or-famine mentality….” Actually, almost all early human civilizations were farmers and knew how to ensure a constant food supply. Our bodies prompt us to eat every 3-4 hours, and we really should listen to them.

If your doctor himself only eats one meal a day, likely HE’S the one with the problem!

(End-rant. Ah, how I love doctors.)

So, I’m interested to hear about you. What’s going on in school that’s bothering you? It sounds like home life is doing you some good for the time being.

That’s how my e.d. started out, too, so I can relate. I’d go through spells of restricting, but then I’d try to eat normally and gain weight and, terrified of becoming fat, start the whole cycle again. It was misery. I came to realize that I would never break out of it if something didn’t give. And I didn’t want to live this way forever. What would I be doing 20, 30 years from now? Still trying to lose the same 10 pounds I lost when I was 15? That wasn’t God’s plan for my life, and it isn’t for yours. He has your name (not your weight!) written on the palm of His hand.

We’re all here for you, hon! Keep doing what you know you need to–keep eating normal like you have been. The feelings of fear of gaining weight will not grow stronger if you defy them–after all courage is facing what you fear head-on. Just take it one day at a time.
488 Tasha // Jun 12, 2008 at 8:22 pm

Hey there Silently Awaits, I was diagnosed with depression before my parents began to realise that I was actually anorexic so I can get what you mean by people not believing you. The thing that you have to do is to try and sit your parents down, tell them your true feelings, maybe print out a couple of symptoms of anorexia and prove to them that your eating behaviour really isn’t normal. If you don’t have your period right now, that is a clear indication that you have dropped to a very low weight. And maybe the reason why friends haven’t told you that you’re skinny is because you’ve been avoiding them. You have to try not to do that because then you’ll never realise that you aren’t fat and you need to gain the weight. Have you tried talking to someone else? Another counselor? Meanwhile, you have to stay strong and try to eat at least three main meals a day, you’ll feel so much better and it helps with the insomnia, I’m an insomniac too and I find that it does help since it pushes out the guilt feelings about whether you’ve eaten enough and stuff, if you have those kind of thoughts.

Aliyah, how was prom? Hope it went well and you enjoyed it. I would’ve wished you luck earlier but I had a bad day yesterday, sort of spent it binging cos I looked so thin in my dress and wanted to look good today- like it made any difference.

And thanks Aliyah, Shannon, Saphire and Rynelle for your encouraging words- I printed it out so that I could read through it in the car, I find that it really helps whenever I’m down to read through the posts. I’m going to try not to restrict today, I’ve had breakfast and lunch but I’m still quite nervous about the dinner.

Saphire- it’s so great to hear you’re enjoying your job and you’re managing to do it well as well! It definitely motivates me to eat more when I hear that you feel so much better now and that you’re in a better place.

Rynelle- best of luck for your dance shows. I know you’ll do well and you won’t pass out because food is your fuel and if you eat healthily you’ll be amazing. Keep strong and have fun!

Off to get my makeup and hair done. Have a great day/hope you guys had a great day.
489 Tasha // Jun 12, 2008 at 8:31 pm

Oh by the way SilentlyAwaits, this website has quite sufficient information about anorexia:

http://www.umm.edu/altmed/articles/anorexia-nervosa-000012.htm

It has a lot of stuff about symptoms, risks and diagnosis, etc. Hope it helps with convincing your parents.
490 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2008 at 2:04 am

hey guys!
ok prom waas amazing. it was so much fun, n the meal was nice n healthy and i ate quite a lot. There was fruit for starter, then vegetable lasagne and potatoes for main meal then ice cream, tablet and cream for desert. it was s good night, and thanks for all your encouragement.
i cant help but feel fat though, it was a much bigger meal than i would ever have, but i need to gain. I feel like skippin breakfast now, but i know i cant. Im going to go have it, after this blog

Sapphire- well done on ur first day! its really good, thats its motivating you to eat and not eat. I used to have a job in a clothes store, when i never used to eat, and i hated it. i was soo tired, n cold, and could barely do any of the tasks. So you do not want to be like that! You want to be fighting fit, and earn lots of money hehe
well done, hope u have a gd day now!

Tasha- awwww i looked soo thin in my dress and i felt so self concious. I looked at everyone else, all healthy bodies nd it motivated me to eat my dinner. you deserve to eat, and have a good time. do not let anorexia spoil your meal. lots of luck ! you will look amazing!

Silently awaits- im so sorry to hear about your doctor and all that and your parents.
But we are all hear for you. You need to eat, food is energy and if u weigh urself stop. Having a number in ur head is not helpful in any way. WEight flunctuates a lot so sometimes you may think uve gained or lost when u havnt.

Ryanelle- lots of luck!! Eat well. dance amazing. tell us how it went!
491 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 13, 2008 at 9:40 am

thanks guys, now im wondering another thing lol…what should i eat for breakfast? like…what is classified as enough cuz i never eat it…
and thanks everyone for your support:) I JUST joined yesterday and have already felt so encouraged:D I really appreciate it.
to answer Sara’s questions, being around school and all the teenagers that I saw as skinny (when I saw myself as fat) what what made me leave…I KNEW I had a problem, and the only way I could get rid of it was to leave the scene… I’ve always been underweight (just annorexic the last couple months)so no one ever noticed… I haven’t really lost anything, I just never gained anymore so when i WAS at school, no one noticed I guess. (The only time i’ve actually lost weight was when I was getting better…then relapse or w/e) but anyways, I don’t think anyone believes me because I’m still in the beginning stages and stuff… i still have my period…i just want to start it before its too hard you know? And doctors always wait til its actually very visible…. but yeah…
Thanks guys for everything:D
492 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2008 at 12:25 pm

hey well something light but filling even
something with starchy carbohydrates, so two slices of toast, or a bowl of cereal or if thts a bit too scary a yoghurt and aslice of toast
just something thats gna keep u going all morning . your body needs food first thing, to raise ur blood sugar level

x
493 rynelle // Jun 13, 2008 at 12:47 pm

hey everyone.
aliyah-i am sooo proud of you!:) im glad everything went so well. and good on you for still eating breakfast! i know it’s hard but hey, you just gave anorexia a huge slap in the face!

meanwhile i feel like a bit of a hypocrit… honestly i have barely eaten anything since monday other than half a plum on tuesday, an apple on wednesday, another apple thursday along with 7 grapes and 8 almonds that i was forced to eat. even after the almonds i was convinced that i had put on a bunch of weight. i havent eaten anything today. my show is in like 4 hours and im scared that if i eat anything i will just get all bloated since i havent eaten much in the last few days:( idk how tonight is going to go..

tasha good luck! post as soon as you get the chance and tell us how your night went.
silentlyawaits- keep posting, i was right where you are only 5 months ago. and im also 15.
saphire-im glad you found something to keep you motivated! keep it up!
494 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2008 at 12:51 pm

ryanelle- awww good luck in ur shows.
but uno thats not enough food for you at all. thats not enuff for a little baby.
i hope u can bring urself to eat more, cause ur body deserves it

x
495 Shannon // Jun 13, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Aliyah,
I’m SO happy for you!!!! I’m so glad you had fun at your prom and the food sounds delicious! That’s so good that you ate it and felt good about it! You are kicking anorexia’s booty!! I’m so proud of you for eating breakfast too! I know how hard it is to not restrict when you know you’re going to have to eat something big later but you went ahead and ate! That’s really inspiring! I’m really happy for you girl!

Rynelle,
That is such a tiny tiny amount of food that you’ve had all week. And now you’re going to go dance (exercise) and nothing is fueling your body. You really need to eat A LOT more even when you aren’t doing any physical activity and you need even more since you are a dancer! I hope your dance goes well though. Good luck and eat girly…food is fuel and medicine!!!

So I haven’t posted in awhile. I have been restricting quite a bit this week and had an appointment with my therapist today. We decided its best that I go into the Partial Hospitalization Program. This means that I’ll be at the facility from 7:30 am-6:30 pm on Monday-Friday. I’ll eat all my meals there (which they prepare for me) and will participate in a bunch of different group and therapy sessions throughout the day. I really don’t want to spend my summer doing this but I also don’t want my ED to control my life anymore. So I’m putting my health first and going to get this problem under control before its too late. I’m really nervous about how I’m going to feel about all the food and stuff so wish me luck. I won’t start next week but the following (June 23).
496 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2008 at 1:26 pm

awww thank u shannon
I am soo soo proud really thats so good.
your finally doing something, tht will get rid of this awful disease!
its going to be really good for you, and you’ll be a healthy fit person at the end.
its really inspiring and encouraging, well done
i really hope it all goes amazingly for you!
but just remmeber there will be hrd days aswel as good days
x
497 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 13, 2008 at 1:28 pm

You’ll do great Shannon. Our little town doesnt have anything like that so I’m kind of stuck in a pickle. but I’m glad youre getting one big step closer to a “normal” life…whatever that is lol. good luck and just remember, they’re gonna make you eat the food anyways, so enjoy it and eat lots:D
498 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 13, 2008 at 1:39 pm

oh, do you guys have msn? I can just put my email so you don’t have to… its faster on that then this lol…
at_hawtmayl_dot_com@hotmail.com
yeah lol… k xD
499 Saphire // Jun 13, 2008 at 2:49 pm

Hey guys! Not having the best day today. I ate a rather large carb breakfast and Im feeling really bad about it, especially since Im going on my roadtrip tomorrow. I really badly wanted the cereal so I had it. But Im trying to fight it out and convince myself that the breakfast I had this morning- a few bowls of cereal was actually the best breakfast I’ve had in weeks and you know what? my body has never felt as good as it does today. Its amazing what a good big breakfast will do. but Im still not feelin good about it mentally…
Anyway- Aliyah hun, I am so happy your night went good! I knew it would And Im very proud of you for eating breakfast and not restricting so much. You know how great that is?! Thats huge- way to go!! I am soo so proud of you!

Tasha- hope you have a good night tonight! Dont restrict in the daytime- and eat that amazing dinner and enjoy every minute of it!! Have so much fun okay? Best wishes!!

Rynelle- I know its so hard. I know what you are going through in your mind. Ive been there- convinced that a stick of gum made me gain weight. But really, if you really really think about it- you know its not true. Its just the ed telling you lies. You need to eat waaaayyy more than what you’ve had. Gosh, and to dance which expends so much energy- energy which you do not have, pleez please eat something before you dance your show. Im really hoping you will. You need to! You will dance your best if you fuel your body properly. Good luck okay? Im sending good thoughts your way xx

And Shannon!!!! That is sooo wonderful to hear. You have no idea how happy I am to hear you are taking the initiative to step up and look anorexia in the face and tell it to **** off. That is so great. Being in this program, I have no doubt whatsoever that you will beat this and fully recover and in a quick hurry as well! What you are doing is like Aliyah said inspiring and encouraging. You know, I was feeling guilty about having 6 cups cereal this morning and now, after thinking about your post, and everyone elses posts-Aliyah- your a wonderful inspiration and everyone too, I think Im okay about it. Like I said earlier- honestly, I have never felt better physically than I do today after my breakfast. I have so much strength and energy, its really quite something
I wish everyone the very best. Im always thinkin about each and everyone of you. xx
500 isabella mori // Jun 13, 2008 at 9:06 pm

hello beautiful people

i can’t believe it – this is comment #500!

you guys are absolutely fantastic. i am so deeply grateful for all the support and wisdom you share here with each other.

i’ve created a new page – basically the same as this one. 500 comments are a bit hard to read so i figured, let’s start a new page!

so please continue your wonderful conversation here – on the same site, just a new page.

(and on danger of sounding a little corny: all this talk about “new page” DOES make me think of you guys working furiously on turning a new page in YOUR life )
501 heatherlynn // Jun 22, 2008 at 1:03 pm

Thanks for ur support everyone… I have been in and out of er problems with my colon and stomach area, still trying to eat 3 meals a day can’t work much go to doctor’s again friday. Yesterday was an ok day I actually felt good enough to wrk my whole shift/ today however i was exhausted. Stay strong girls… !
502 Aliyah // Jun 22, 2008 at 1:04 pm

hey heather! ur doing great! keep it up keep trying ur best to eat 3 meals and rewarding ur body.
stay strong x
503 Jenny // Jun 27, 2008 at 5:39 am

Hello. For a long time I have wondered if I am annorexic but thats because I equated anorexic with super skinny and when I looked in the mirror I never saw super skinny so I was not annorexic. HOwever I have had a BAD relationship with food. It started with being sick and a borderline coeliac and then feeling so scared of eating because of the pain. When I started to lose weight I liked what was happening and then as Princess said nothing was enough- every pound I lost made me want to lose more. Now I have turned flabby and THINK i look fat, do not have the energy to work out and the metabolism is way low. I even did some laxatives and that was really stupid. Through it all the one thing constant have been the prayers of my parents and my husband. They have prayed me through this and the Still small voice of Jesus. I am not preaching but believe me my Bible and quiet times with God have helped me. Learning to take my mind and eyes off food and put them on Jesus and let Him be the important thing in my life has made me value myself, my family and my husband. I am learning to over come my obsession with my body. But it is taking time. I am so glad to see this page and know I am not alone and we are all attacked the same way by their feelings of guilt, heaviness and worthlessness. But God made us beautiful and for a purpose. I am learning I need to engage in what God wants to use me for – in my case it is working with abused people- and then I am not so focused on me and my needs. But whats best is that there is a God who loves me unconditionally and made me to make a difference in the world. I cannot do that if I am week and drained.
504 Megan // Jul 14, 2008 at 10:11 pm

Hi everyone,
My name is Megan I am a 17 year old girl that is currently struggling with annorexia. I was always chubby and wanted despertly 2 loose weight. So it started just this year in fact my weight loss. Once the first pound was gone there was no way in looking back. I would exercise constantly which would often mean hundered of situps and running up and down my stairs hunderds of times, obsesse about my calorie intake, and I was basicaly surviving on a diet of carrots and a yougart but was always made to eat dinner because it was hard to get away with, and I would even sometimes try and throw up but nothing ever would come out so I evantually just gave up. Allot of people friends, and family noticed how thin I was getting. But I wasn’t seeing it I was just wanting the “perfect body”. It was as if I was on a road, and just kept on driving. It was getting the best of me. And my doctor who I see regularly keeps on checking in on me and warning me that if I loose any more weight I will have 2 go to a eating disorders clinic. She has now pretty much diagnosed me with annorexia, but is watching me very closely because I show too many signs. I am constantly cold, I feel tired and weak, I get headaches, and sometimes am dizzy, I’m pale, theres peach fuzz all on my stomach, and my hair was starting to thin. I think I am starting to recover it is gradual and I finally see the reality of things that in the end it really isn’t worth it. There is real no such thing as “perfect”. You can really die of it and I am really scared so I am trying 2 eat. I still constantly weigh myself, and obsesse about the way I look. I weigh 132 and should apperantly weigh 140. But I know each day I will get better and annorexia isn’t gonna be apart of my life anymore. Don’t let annorexia be apart of you because it is basicaly like another person that lives inside you that haunts and taunts which can lead you down the wrong road. I feel great that I have lost all this weight, and everone says I look good. But now they are saying I am too thin you can see all my neck and collar bone. And I finally see that I was basicaly dying inside. To all those who are annorexics: Listen 2 your family and friends, because their the ones that truly love you and care about you and you’re really hurting them. I finally see that I was hurting my family, and friends because they were all trying 2 get me 2 eat and telling me the reality of annorexia. Annorexia kills!
505 Aliyah // Jul 15, 2008 at 12:44 am

megan- that is touching. i know just how u feel. anorexia is an obsesssive disorder, do not weigh urself! really, u r more trhan a number.
by eating, which i know is soo scary, u will feed ur brain, ur mind n ur body will start to recover. think to urself, what do i gain by not eating? NOTHING because u just feel miserable. When i realised this, i started eating, n i felt better. i had more energy, and weight REgain, is slow and i enjoyed food more n more. Its still hard, and u will always have bad days, but use support from your family, use them as a motivationt o slowly eat.
have small meals, to help ur tummy to get used to food agen. it is possible.
u shud also go to ur docotor, n mybe get a nutrionist n counceller cause it does help. I reaally needed it atthe begininning.
gd luck
x
506 Megan // Jul 15, 2008 at 10:06 pm

Hi Aliyah ,

Aw thanks for the support. I think my body is starting 2 stabilze it’s weight now. And I am starting to eat a little more, and not weighing myself as much. My exercises are pretty restricted now too. So slowly but surely I think I am getting better!! I still however calculate my calories in a day, and use my measuring cups. I am trying 2 get over it. I can’t even really eat normal portions without constantly checking the food labels. But sometimes my mind will say “no it’s ok you can have a little bit of that”. Or like you said there are bad days 2 where I don’t even feel like eating much at all and will restrict my diet as much as I can. Is it normal to feel really hungry at times? Just lately, as I am making my recovery I have been feeding my body as much as I can when I am hungry. I guess you can almost call it binge eating. Than I feel so bad after I eat it cause I am afraid I will gain a whole wack of weight. And that voice says “omg! what are you doing!? Look what you just did!! I can’t believe you!!” This food binging has been happeing late at night though and its such a bad time 2 be eating! But I just am sooo hungry that I will just eat a whole wack of food. Is this normal? Why am I feeling so hungry lately? I guess it is just the road to recovery? I’m just worried cause its like I am craving food all the time and I just hope I am not going compulsive eating, or bulmia. Maybe my bodys just really hungry? Lol. :S just confused
507 Aliyah // Jul 16, 2008 at 1:57 am

megain- ino EACTLY what ur going thru. See what u call ‘binge eating’? thats nt binge. thats ur body tellin u it needs food. it may feel like a lot but its not! ur body has been starved and it needs lots n lorts of food. see on saturday, i was haavin a snack, n i ended upo havin 3 yes 3 bag of sweets! n i didnt feel guilty or bad, coz i know i deserve it. we all deserve food.
ino what u mean about calories n labels, i still have that issue now. i find it hard to eat something without knowing whats in it, n how many calories. but the way to overcome it, is to just try stop readin labels, n when u eat something u say, i will stop eating when i feel full.
u feel so hungry just coz ur body needs the food, tio repair the damage and to grow. give it to ur body.the voices will start to go dont worry, mines were really strong at the start but after a while, if u keep eating, u start to beat it.
its a hard jounrey, BUT U CAN DO IT
508 Saphire // Jul 16, 2008 at 11:32 am

Megan, Hi! I want to congratulate you on recognizing you have a problem and wanting to recover.
The way you described how anorexia got a hold of you and the ways it did it, it sounds like we are the same person! I was exactly like you. With the overexersising, the measuring cups and really everything. I am on my third month of recovery after a major relapse and I am determined all the way to regain my life back. Anorexia took my life away which Im sure you know exactly about. I was dying a slow miserable death. I lived in front of my heat lamp for days on end. This is no way to live. Its discusting.
But now, I am eating consistantly good food, all day every day and whatever I want to eat. I DO NOT overexercise. When I exercise, its a light and I mean light walk for 30 minutes or a light bike ride for only 30 minutes. I have soo so much energy.
I still struggle with the measuring cups and have a struggle sometimes getting a box of craft dinner or something without looking at the label. But you know what? Its only food, and it really does not matter what and how much you eat. We on here, ALL NEED to eat and gain weight anyway to fully recover from this disease. It is a proven fact that the closer an anorexic person gets to their ideal weight, the higher the chance of FULL recovery! And its so true. The more you eat throughout the day, the sharper and more rational your mind is to think about how silly it really is to worry about calories and what we eat.
As for night binging, heck I still do that about once or twice a weak but you know what? its because my body needs the food. Three months is still not long enough for my body to have recovered. (Im not in a program but am doing this on my own) I recognize I need the food and I enjoy it now. Food is there for our bodies to take in and be fueled. We need it to live and survive its there for us to enjoy as well. And trust me, the more you eat throughout the day consistantly and the longer you keep this up and dont DARE restrict food intake, you will NOT feel the need to binge!
Eat a big breakfast! Thats what I do now. I eat three bowls of cerial, a banana and if Im still not satisfied I will eat until I am satisfied. The bigger the breakfast the bigger the boost for your metabolism and you will feel fuller and more satisfied the rest of the day and no more night binges. Of course, we on here always overexaggerate the word ‘binge’ anyways. A binge for normal people is like 5-10 thousand cals in one sitting or even more! If you want to eat Megan, you most definitely should and dont even think about dieting. The voice that tells you to restrict is a an ugly voice, a bad voice which really wants you to be sick and live a lifeless life. You dont want that. I know you dont. Just think about you always being cold, and miserable and moody and consumed about food. Dont ever let that memory go and keep it as a big motivator not to EVER to go back to that place. Because its an ugly place. A place where you do die a slow death. Live life to the fullest. You are so young and have so much going for you. You are beautiful. It does not matter how much you weigh. Beauty comes from within! Dont dare let anorexia win. Be strong and you can totally do it.

Aliyah! Hope you are doing well of course! How are you doing anyway? I have a feeling you are doing amazing- you have it in you I know you do. You are strong, keep going and keep having great successful days!
I am doing well, my job is good Thank you! My days are all wonderful. FOod is amazing. It astounds me everyday what it does to a person. When you eat, you feel good. Period. xoxox
509 Aliyah // Jul 16, 2008 at 11:45 am

thanks sapphire!
i feel really full just now, nd a bit uncomfortable, but ino its ok.
today everytime iate something, I was likie ideserve this, i can have what i want. when i waant.
So for my snack i had 2 rice cakes, some banana , raisins and strawberrys.
and it was so tasty.

sapphire- really keep going. feed your mind. YOU deserve it wel all do. Everyone else eats what and when they like, why cnt we do the same? well we can, anorexiaa is a big lie.

food is great.
510 Megan // Jul 16, 2008 at 10:55 pm

Thank you soooo much Aliyah & Saphire 4 your love and support. It was just fate that I found this website. I was really wanting 2 get my feelings about annorexia out there and what I was going through to see if others were the same. Today was my B-day and I went 2 a resturant I was just sooo hungry and I actually ate very little in the day in order 2 save up for the big meal, and cake later. I had thoughts about it “why am I eating all this? Omg I am gonna gain weight Im gonna get just sooo fat!!” But it was my B-day, and I wasn’t gonna let my annorexia ruin it for me! I have started 2 notice my appetite is coming back. I always get scared that when I eat a bunch of food that I will just gain a whole wack of weight. I guess annorexia is something that never does fully go away does it? It is a VERY hard disease to get over. But you guys have such a great support system here! I really can’t thank you enough!! Does any of you have MSN or facebook? If so I’d love to keep in touch! Thanks again for the support. xoxo Megan
511 Megan // Jul 16, 2008 at 11:17 pm

just a question.. why do you feel so cold like all the time? is it your bodys way of saying that it needs food? Or is it telling you that you are dying inside? :S I am just confused, and curious. I just hate this feeling! It really sucks! It will even hit me on these hot summer days and I basicaly will live in my house coat and dress in layers. I was even wearing my coat around school when my annorexia was at it’s worst for me. Another question… does any of your doctors tell you that you must drink at least 3 glasses of milk a day? My doctor is at me 2 drink milk consantly. I really haven’t been so I guess I should start.
512 Aliyah // Jul 17, 2008 at 1:20 am

megan- well done on ur bday! happy bday girl!
listen, anorexia will starat to go away belive me. Mines used to be soo strong, n now its much much better. Asu keep eating u destroy it. The thgouht u have ‘im gna get fat’ is one all o us have on this site. that tells u that anorexia is false because its plants it in everyones head!
the fact is we r not, by eating what our body needs, is not going to get us at. Ur body will crave a lot of food simply because it is hungry, just feed it!
the coldness was something i had, it goes away., because u have so little body fat, ur body is always cold, as it loses the at thats around our organs that keep us warm. Remember fat keeps us warm, everyone needs to have some.
as for the milk, im guessing its for your bones. your bones need calcium to get strong and its so u dont get oesteroporosis, which means u have weak bones and get bruised n hurt very easy.
see anorexia brings no benefits does it?
lETS RID OF IT!
513 Saphire // Jul 17, 2008 at 8:57 am

Megan hun, anorexia will totally go away. As long as you eat more food. The more you eat, the quicker you will recover because right now when you starve yourself, you are also starving your brain allowing that ugly voice to override any other rational thoughts. Do you know what I mean? The ONLY way to recover from anorexia is to eat. And not eat a little like 1500 calories. No, all of us on here NEED to eat like 2500-3000 + calories in order to recover. And dont restrict. Please please do NOT restrict. This will only make you lose to anorexia and I really dont think you want that. You need to be strong. Stronger. You will not gain a big whack of weight when you eat a lot of food. No, that does not happen. Its been three months for me, and Ive been eating 2500+ calories everyday and Ive barely noticed any difference on my body. That is the absolute truth. The only difference is that my face is more radiant and has some life to it instead of the dead hollow look I had before. The look like I was dying. That is the only difference. To be honest, I dont like the fact that I havent noticed a gain on me. I am a stick and its not attractive. I cant stand the fact that when I go boating next weekend Im going to have to cover up my matchstick veiny arms. We need to gain weight and we WANT to gain weight. Its not the weight you regain when you eat food Megan, its your life.
Please dont restrict. That is the worst thing any of us can do. I know we all do it, I do it too but restricting is just a victory for ana.
And of course, I do want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. I hope you had an amazing day! Are you 18? am I right? thinkin about you and hoping you are having a good day. Healthy and happy always remember that. Eat to be healthy and happy and to live life like its meant to be lived
Hope you are having a good one too Aliyah! Did you have good food today? I really hope so cause you totally deserve it! What have you been up to on your lovely time off? xx
514 Aliyah // Jul 17, 2008 at 12:24 pm

sapphire- i hope u have fun on ur boating trip!! ive ben job hunting. im going to france on sunday with the family. so i cannoy wait to try all the new foods anf stuff. im soo lookin fwd to it!!

yes i had good food today, just had a packet of crisps for my snack tried any new foods or nything lately? have u tried all the foods u used to fear?

hope ur well!

x
515 Megan // Jul 17, 2008 at 10:26 pm

Thanks so much for the B-day wishes! I feel like I am getting better. But my mom keeps on telling me that I’m getting skinner. I know it’s bad but it’s such a hard habit 2 break I keep weighting myself. And I have unfournantly lost weight. Just a few pounds. I don’t know how th0ugh!!?? I am eating. But I guess I haven’t been eating enought 4 breakfast and lunch. And I don’t really have any snacks. I really must try and gain a bit before Aug cause thats when I see my doctor again and if I have lost any more weight, I need 2 go 2 an eating disorders clinic. Which I don’t want to happen! So I am gonna try my best this summer 2 get well again. I hardly exercise any more. I am short I am, 5’2 and 132 punds but now I am down 2 129 I thinkk. My docotor wants me @ 140. She says thats my ideal weight. But when I do my BMI it says I am at a normal weight, so I guess it is just my body type? I don’t think I look like a stick, but you can see my collar and neck bones and my hipbones are starting 2 protrode as well as other bones you can feel. So I know I dont look annorexic cause im not that skinny, but I show the sympotoms of one. And if I loose any more weight I probably will look sick. My BMI used 2 be obses than I decided 2 loose all this weight and I do feel great now. But I guess enought is enough, and I just gotta stop with the whole weight loss thing. I know I have gone a long ways since I was restricting my food 2 just a yougart, and carrotts. But I would eat a big dinner. I guess that was the one meal that was mainly keeping me alive cause I would basicaly put all of my days calories into it. I would save up and starve myself in order 2 enjoy it. And when I was starving myself I felt stronger when I felt hunger pains, cause in my mind I knew I was winning and I was probably loosing just so much weight. Those days still sometimes hit me where I just want 2 starve myself and wonder “why eat?” but when I eat I feel better! And energized! Which is great! I also am getting my nice color back 2 my face! I was really pale and white b4 when I didnt eat. Yes I have been noticing allot of brusing on my body! I am not sure from what. Annorexia is deffinitly not a nice disease. I had never thought I would be one after even doing a project on it in school once. I’ve been looking @ videos, and pics and it scares me 2 think I could end up like that. So that’s whats forcing me 2 get better and 2 eat. I’m NOT gonna let annorexia consume me whole!! I am young, and have ambitons. There are lots of people who care and love me 2 much I know I would be missed. And by being annorexic, you are just hurting the ones that love you the most. Slowly but surely I WILL get over this!! Annorexia has ways of pulling you in and it can turn you and twist you into so many bends, and curves. Girls we gotta get off that road before it’s too late!! Thanks for all the love an support. I really love talking to you guys. It’s great 2 know other ppl going through the same thing.
516 Megan // Jul 17, 2008 at 10:34 pm

o ya i dont know if any of you knew this but, my cousin whos a nurse said that if you don’t eat than you have a weak heart and makes you more prone 2 a heart attack Just a little encouragement 2 you girls if you didnt know that. It scared me when I found it out! I didn’t realise how much eating was important. So we MUST eat! Don’t deprive your body or your organs WILL suffer!
517 Aliyah // Jul 18, 2008 at 1:17 am

megan- hey its ok ulost some weight, but dont let it happend agen. Yeah u must not be eating enuff, i eat something every 4hours. just try and do the same, that way u feed ur body, and ur metablism begings to speed up.
u will always have bad days, and just remeber its anorexia tryin to win and attack u. DO NOT LET IT.
life is to short to be obsessed with weight.
also try not to weigh urself, u r not a number.
if u must, do it once a week, but i find not weighing myself is easier, n i tend to eat more that way.
make sure u eat lots of carbs and protein, and keep ur energy up.
good luck
518 Saphire // Jul 18, 2008 at 5:12 pm

Hey girls

Megan, Aliyah is right- eat a lot of carbs and protein- your energy will go right up!!! And definitely I mean DEFINITELy eat every few hours or heck, once every hour- I do this, just to keep your metabolism up. Did you know that if a person (any person, anorexic or not) eats below 1200 calories, their body goes into starvation mode? and we do not want that. So let that be motivation enough for everyone of us to not even think of going below that number. Of course we on here need to be getting over 2000-3000 calories obviously now to recover but even if we restrict on that amount, our bodies will go into that starvation mode and our metabolisms will sloooooowwww down!

And yes, anorexics are very very prone to heart attacks. See I learned this months ago- even if we eat at a consistant rate and then restrict, it shocks the heart adn heart attacks are very very common which is very very scary. And its incredibly bad to be over exercising while undereating at the same time!!!!! Think of our poor hearts- struggling soo so much to pump blood through our starved body.

Anyways- you’re doing good Megan. eat and you will get healthy remember that. We want to win this. And yes totally- there is much much more to life than obsessing about food.

Best wishes to everyone!!!!! Healthy and happy
519 Megan // Jul 20, 2008 at 10:13 pm

hi again,

Well, thanks for more of the encoragement Alyiaha & Saphire. I think I am actually starting 2 realise the importance of eating now, and how I am actually looking. This weekend I went 2 a very good friends of mine that I hadn’t seen in a long time and he kept on telling me how skinny I am and we had a really long nice talk about annorexia. He really gave me allot of support, and I’m starting 2 really see how skinny I am getting. Annorexia also changes the person you used 2 be. I’ve apperantly changed allot, and I have allot of mood changes. Do any of you go through mood changes? Is it normal? Sometimes you just don’t realise these things, and you let them pass you by. All we are really doing is hurting the ones who love us the most. Their the ones who have 2 see us slowly fade away. I didn’t think it was hurting anyone, but it really does. It’s terrbible how it just grabs a hold of you! And I really am gonna try and gain some weight back. But everytime I say I am going 2 get better, than I just keep on going back 2 the same old routine I had of measureing, and restricting. But this time I am actually going 2 make it happen! I want 2 get better. Girls, WE MUST ALL STAY STRONG! And when you have annorexia, you need 2 tlk 2 someone who you can really trust and confide 2 because the ones you push first out of your life are actually the ones who you need the most!! And I really don’t want 2 go 2 an eating disorders clinic. I am going 2 try and eat more especially breakfast and lunch which are the 2 meals I don’t do well on. It’s just sooo hard 2 eat something and not look @ the label. It’s a hard habbit 2 break! And wow I didn’t know that about 12,000 calories or less puts your body in starvation mode , Saphire. I was doing that all along . And I still sometimes do that. But I’m starting to enjoy eating again! I am starting 2 have more little snacks, and a bit more for my meals. I just gotta get this weight up again! And I can happily say that I am not concerned about exercising any more. I still do it the odd time, but not as much. It’s too dangerous! I’ve been loosing weight and I gotta stop and if I get exercising again I’ll just loose more and more. I know I’m gonna beat this!!Keep staying strong 2 Annorexia girls! And talk to a trusted friend if you have 2 they can give you more support than you would of thought of. Don’t let yourself suffer in silence anymore!! We can beat this girls!!
520 Megan // Jul 20, 2008 at 10:33 pm

Got a question: Does anyone ever feel that they may just fantisise food or crave it but your not actually hungry? I’ve been eating allot of random food which I guess is good! But I don’t know wether I AM actually hungry or wether it’s just my mind saying “mmm that would taste good right now must have it!” than I just go into the kitchen and eat a bunch of random food. :S I guess it is just part of recovery right? I’m just getting such an appetite now! And it’s happening late at night which is one of the worst times 2 eat.
521 Saphire // Jul 21, 2008 at 1:26 pm

Hey Megan! Thats great you really realize you need to put on weight. I cant see you of course, but I know you are way underweight. We all are on here. And sorry- its not 12,000 cals or less that puts your body in starvation mode- its 1200 cals. I might have made a typo. But ya. I bet you definitely were eating under 1200 cals. Everyone of us does that Im sure. But stay strong, we can beat this and we will. Megan we need to be getting 2500+ calories in our diet every single day to recover. I know restricting is hard NOT to do but please understand that if you restrict your body will go into starvation mode and your metabolism will slow down even more. Cant do that.
And your question about craving something? even when not hungry. I guarantee you you are hungry. When a person craves something, it is their body telling them they need food even when your stomach is not growling. I had a hard time believing this for the longest time but its 100 % true. When you crave soomething- EAT IT!!!!! The only reason a person craves something is when they are depriving their body of something. And clearly since we are dealing with a disorder that makes us starve ourselves, we are all depriving our bodies of food.
And.. you know why you are hungry at night moreso? its because you dont eat enough throughout the day. I promise you- I do.. that if you eat a big breakfast- try 600 calories- have carbs, a fruit, and protein and glass of milk, and eat a good lunch- dont scrimp on the lunch either. And have snacks and then dinner, you will NOT feel the need to eat so much late at night because you have given your body the proper nutrition it needs.
And, even if after you do this- (please try it- please and then you will understand) you are still wanting something at night, have it anyway because we are RECOVERING from anorexia and it will be some time before our bodies will be completley back to normal.
xx
522 aliyah // Jul 23, 2008 at 1:09 am

hey girlsss
i, am on hoiliday in parissss. I am finding all the food hard n not eating as well as i shud.
i am goin to try harder though its my last day here n i dnt want to obsess over food.i had q cereal bar n fruit for breakfast n i will try n have a bigger lunch.
i hope uz r all doing well.
just like sapphire sed ,egan if u crave so,ething u r hungry so dnt deprive ur body of it; even if u have a little.
well i best get going: EAT WELL GIRLS kik anass butt

xxx
523 Pixie // Jul 23, 2008 at 4:22 pm

Wow. Thanks, all, for being so open here. You just don’t know how much this helps. I’m so proud of all of you! I’m especially proud of you younger ones…believe me, ana doesn’t get better with age if you don’t realize you have it. It just gets worse. I’m 26, and only just started realizing that everyone doesn’t have the voice saying how horrible, disgusting, etc. they are. Fancy that! I’ve had it since I was about 11. Had a very watchful mom, and didn’t want her to worry, so I’ve always just been thin, not dangerous. But a few months ago I dropped down to danger levels for the first time in a long time. I’m 5’10″, and I really don’t even want to say the weight I was because to me it still sounds ENORMOUS, sooo…yea. But anyway, my doctors started bringing it up when I’d go see them…I was sick all the time, so that was fairly often…I met a new guy, who’s amazing, when I was at my lowest weight since I reached my full height. And being around him, I started eating. I didn’t realize what was happening until one day I looked down and went S*%&T!! Where’d this gut come from??? Major panic attacks…followed by some research. Finally, everything my friends and family have always told me hit. I’m not fat. I never was. And it’s not normal or healthy to be cold all the time, to not be able to climb stairs, to be dizzy constantly…I crossed the line, you see, from being able to run every morning. I finally dropped so much weight I couldn’t run anymore.

Anyway…I just found this site tonight because I’ve reached my healthy weight, and I hate it. My sweetheart bought me gorgeous lingerie as a gift, and I feel disgusting and don’t even want him to look at me in it. And it just really helped me to read this thread, and see that this is normal and it will go away. And all the scientific facts were really cool, too cuz all the new weight does seem to be right there on the tummy. Sigh. Hope that changes.

It’s nice to run again (every other day, now, thank you). And it’s supercool to have boobs! WoW! I’d given up on those!!!

Anyway, please know that if I met you in person right now, each and every one of you, I’d see a beautiful woman. You’re not fat. Promise.
524 Megan // Jul 23, 2008 at 11:03 pm

Hi girls!
Well, I think I am getting ALLOT better!! My annorexia has come a long ways now. I am actually starting 2 stop obsessing over the numbers and just eat cause food is soo tasty now! When u starve ur self 4 so long u really miss those tastes u used 2 enjoy! I am even slowly starting 2 stop with the whole counting and obsessing over my calories. So I am making progress!! And I’m eating sooo much now. I just feel like I am going into obsessive eating it feels like. Ugg. And lately I have been hiding food than saving it up 2 eat later when I crave. It’s such a bad habbit! And I feel like such a pig cause when I do eat it’s just like non-stop almost. Ahhh!! But I have noticed I am not cold any more! YAY! I sometimes will be, but b4 it was constant. I HATED it! Ppl in my skool would look @ me like a freak cause I wore my coat everywhere when it was warm out. Wow I just can’t believe how much food I am eating now. I guess I really did deprive myself of stuff! Is anyone else just loving their food again? I guess it’s all good right?? I hope so!!
525 Megan // Jul 23, 2008 at 11:15 pm

ok I have a question I don’t know if any of you get this but lately and ever since I have had annorexia I have been breaking out in bruises all over my legs. And I dont know what their from?? :S Do any of you get bruises randomly? What does it mean? Just wondering..
526 Pixie // Jul 24, 2008 at 4:49 am

Megan, I think the bruising is part of it. I got them too, and looked into it, and found that several types of nutritional deficiency can result in random bruises. I’m on an iron/B12 supplement now, and they’re MUCH better. Obviously if you’re not taking in the nutrients your body needs, you’re going to get symptoms associated with deficiency, so it makes sense.
527 Aliyah // Jul 24, 2008 at 9:35 am

pixie- hey im aliyah . i just wanted to say, well done on reaching ur ideal weight. i am tryin to get to it, n belive me i dmire u soo much for getting to it. its a great achievement, n im sure ur boyfriend there loves u and is so happy for you too. show off ur beautiful body, its there to be admired!hw long did it take u to get to ur weight if u dnt mind me asking? ive been in proper revoery for about half a year n still have a way to go. i still have bad bad days but tehyre gettin soo much less and i am beginning to enjy food much more.

megan- i bruise really easy too, and i think its jus what pixie sed too, its deficiencies. im sure it wil get better as we get better!
im glad to hear its going so well! good on u girl, really. its so encouraging and ur doing so well. it motivates me to knpow ur doing so well.also u say u hide food, n have it later. dnt be ashamed, theres no need to hide. eat what u want and when u wnt. its not over eating remember, its ur body wantin all the food its been deprived of!
its part of recovery and just enjoy the food! ur doing amazing!

as for me, im bak from paris now whicjh was a gd holiday. it involved a lot of exercise n to be honest i belive i shud have ate more, the pastries n croissants scared me a bit, n i didnt have any at all
but i did enjoy their baguettes and stuff.
i reallly need to focus on sum regain, so im goin to try n introduce more food.
im also hvain non diet drinks a lot more now.
how is everyone/
x
528 Saphire // Jul 24, 2008 at 9:57 am

Pixie! Yes, well done on reaching your ideal weight! That is so so wonderful. And I am so proud of you. I like Aliyah am trying and trying to get there. I so would like to get my boobs back and my period for that matter. I am still so darn skinny and its not pretty at all. I dont have a boyfriend right now but I could have, its just I know that if I was going to wear lingerie I would look so bad and skeletal. So Im trying. But like you said, and I completly agree, we are all beautiful people. We are more than a number and we have just so much to offer the world.
And yes, the weight initially does go to the stomach for a while but then it does even out- yay!! Congratulations Pixie. I can imagine you look unbelievably beautiful. Wear your lingerie for your guy and know- really know that you are beautiful. You are not fat. Not at all.
Since you are healthier I am sure your face looks for radient and alive and that right there is true beauty.
xx
529 Megan // Jul 24, 2008 at 10:47 pm

hi girls
k thx 4 the info on the brusing than Pixi. I am taking some vitamins now. And am trying 2 eat allot of healthy foods so in time it should heal! I have noticed I’m not cold anymore! YAY! Thanks for all the encouragement advice and support. You girls make me feel strong! And together we WILL win this!! Aw, Aliyah u should of enjoyed the food in Paris it was a holiday. I always tell myself around Christmas, or special occasions , “ok I can have just a little, a little won’t hurt”. Because some foods you enjoy only once and a while. So you should just enjoy it and not worry about it. Cuase u derserve it!! But I am glad 2 hear u had a good time. I am really worried though, I haven’t gotten my period in such a long time. I am always irregular and am HOPING that it will come!! And I really wish I had my boobs back. I litterly am flat as a board!! Is anyone else like this 2? And it doesnt help that I’m only 5’2 cause without any boobs I look like a 9 yr old instead of 18 . Ahhh!! I hope in time those will come back!! Lol. Anyone else have this problem?? I have 2 go out and get refitted and measured cause I am falling out of all my bras. I don’t want 2 stuff becuase it will look 2 unnatural.
530 Aliyah // Jul 25, 2008 at 1:19 am

megain- yeh like i sed i am going to try n eat more n new foods coz iwant a more varied diet!
ino what u meanabout lookin young, im 18, and im only 5ft. anoreixia has stunted my growth coz ive had eating disorders since 12, and i look really young. on holiday a woman thought iwas 12!
but dont worry, as u eat more, u will get them bak, breast tissue is fat tissue so u need to eat to get them! try not to be self concious about it.
and periods too yeh ive not had mine in a long time, mines have been iregular since i had EDS but since recovery ive had about one period so one in six months which is not to good i gues!
but they do return once u get healthier and ur weight goes up.
see only good things come from eating eh?!

have a gd day! eat lots xxx
531 Megan // Jul 28, 2008 at 9:44 pm

well, I have always had irregular periods but now I am really worried cause I haven’t had one for the whole month of July ekk! And i dont know if you or anyone has this but my weight keeps ont jumping around! It will go up, than down again. This weekend for instance, I had a sleepover and ate a bunch of junk food. I felt SOO bad 4 doing it but I hardly ever eat junk so I thought u know what why not just splurge a little? I kept on getting those stupid thoughts about how much weight I would gain though, and what a pig I was for doing so. And I weight myself after this weekend and turns out I lost weight instead of gained. :S Which is just 2 weird! I really gotta gain a bit of weight though b4 I see my doctor on Aug 18th cause thats when she decides if she will put me in a clinic or not. So I’m TRYING SOOO hard 2 get over this! I know and think I can though. But I feel ALLOT better cause I’m eating more now. And I’m no longer feeling cold which is such a great feeling!! I’m also taking a whole bunch of vitamins which must be helping me as well. I’m pretty sure I am on the road 2 recovery. YAY! It’s hard but I know I can and will get through this!! You are such a great person 2 tlk 2 Aliyah. I hope you are doing well. How are you doing these days? Keep staying strong! We can beat this girl!! Talk to you later xoxo
532 Megan // Jul 28, 2008 at 9:50 pm

just a question… does anyone find how dull and dead their hair is with Annorexia? My hair I think is starting 2 get healthy again but it just looks so dead I guess with time it will come back again!
533 Aliyah // Jul 29, 2008 at 2:22 am

Megan- hey well done you! your doing well! really well. the junk food and stuff, u deserve it! u cn hve whtever u want remember!
i just had pancakes smothered with jam for breakfast and it was sooooooo yum! i ve been good, tryin to gain like you!

as for your weight, dont worry, its going to flunctuate a lot, mine did at one point, it was up, down up down, n then it will stablize eventually.
just mke sure u are eating as much as possible everyday.
my hair is really dead, its really dry, but thats cause its been denied protein and nutrients for so long!
just try good shampoos for your hair type . one thing thats really good for dry limpless hair is almond oil, so eat almonds nd buy sum almond oil! put it in ur hair once a week, then rinse it ou, n u will see a change!

im gna eat reallllly well today i just know it:D
keep up the good work

x
534 Aliyah // Aug 3, 2008 at 11:42 am

hey how is everyone?
ive had a good week, ive been tryin to eat a bit more, and I have. Today my boyfriend made me have 2 slices of bread with my soup and i ahd it all. still feel full from it, but it was yummy and im glad he made me!
how is everyone else?
i hope good!

keep eating, it makes u feel so good!
535 rachael // Aug 3, 2008 at 6:01 pm

hey everyone! aliyah you sound like your doing great thats aweomse!! im not doing too well i mean i am physically but not mentally…ive gained at least 8 pounds and i just feel huge and disgustedddd but like my chest and ribs are still bony loooking i feel like all the wieght is in my thighs and stomacha nd idk i just dunno if i can do it any longer im afraid that when i go back to school im gonna loose all the wiehgt i gained this summer even though it was only 8 pounds and i was supposed to gain at least a pound a week in three months ah idk im just lost and i have no one to talk to… i dont like how the weight isnt distributing yet i dont want my chest to be bony anymore you know?
536 Saphire // Aug 3, 2008 at 6:35 pm

Rachael, it is so nice to hear from you. I am exactly exactly where you are. I am fine physically because Ive been eating normally and all that but Im starting to have some difficulty with the fact that my arms, chest and really my whole upper body is still sooooo so bony and then the rest is well, getting bigger. But you know what? it takes time! The weight will 100 % redistribute!!!! It just takes time. I know the waiting game and the mental agony in the meantime is a pain but we just need to give our bodies time to even out. And also, we look in the mirror and see fat on our thighs and stomach- this is only one more lie this disease is throwing our way. Its not fat. Its muscle- our thighs are getting muscle which is good!!! Thats what we want because the more muscle the more bad fat it burns and so on, but not like we need to worry about any of that anyways!!!! And the stomach- well most of that is water weight which will take time to lessen too.
But you know what Rachael- we need to put on fat. We need need need to put on fat!!!! That is the only only way our bodies and our minds will fully recover from this illness. It is a proven fact that the higher % of fat we gain to our ideal weight (which includes body fat of course) the higher chance we have to say ByeBye to this unbelievable shitty murdering disease we have! And yes it is shitty- I hope I can say that because I am sick and tired (and I really know you are too) of dealing with it. With the obsessing about our looks. Its crap. There is more to life than what we look like, the number we have on our scales, and so on. There is much much more.
Keep going Rachael! This is hard Im with ya on that. Its hard but we can do it.

“Failure is not in falling down, it is failing in coming back up”

Best wishes to everyone!! Aliyah- you are doing sooo well. You are putting up a good battle and winning it!!! Remember- WE ALL NEED TO REMEMBER- the more we eat, the better we think and the better chance we have to recover and live life the way it is meant to be lived!!
537 Aliyah // Aug 4, 2008 at 1:32 am

Rachel- I know its hard, but youve regained some weight and that is soo good. really im so proud and its really motivating to hear that. About he weight, it does redistribute in time, when ur body fully trusts you, when it knows ur not going to starve it agen it will distribute. Im the same, my chest is bony, as is my back, but i feel like all my weight goes to my tummy. But i know its ok, and in time it will be ok. Just keep doing what your doing, if you go back, and lose the weight, you’l end up more bony and feel worse about yourself.
And why reverse all the hard work? you can keep going, the battle is long, but it can be done and i know 100% that the weight will redistribute. Your a girl, girls need extra weight round their stomach area for baby reasons!

sapphire- thank you. I am doing well, and i know how you fele. I have a bony chest and back and my weights gone to my tummy too. but look, we all have, that tells us that this is part of the process. its a waiting game, and keep going sapphire cause uhave come so so far and im so proud of you. Just keep on eating and regaining, and you will feel better.
Also, when you see girls who have recovered from anorexia you see their bodies seem normal, and thats because eventually it DID distrubute. and we all wi.ll get there.

have a good day of lots of food everyone, and lets try and beat thign disease!
538 rachael // Aug 4, 2008 at 4:10 am

saphire! ah that helps me a ton to know that you are at the exact same point, and that quote is really good haha i might steal it! but yea the thing i keep telling myself is that looks dont matterrr and the other day this kinda helped slash didnt idk but my freind hadnt seen me in awhile and she was like wow you look skinny and i was like im trying to gain wiehgt and she was like no you look good…haha it helped me in the fact that i can eat normal and still be skinny but it also made me want to stop and go back ah im glad im recoverin but i didnt know it would be this hard…

aliyah- im lad you are doing well and it is nice to know both o you are going through the same thing, it helps and summer is almost over for me so i think it;ll be easier to gain wieght becasue there wont be all that pressure to be in a bathingsuit…that was the hardest thing this summer for me is that i wanted to get better but i couldnt because i had to put my body out there for everyonet o see but i just tell myself..if im seeing all these dr’s and they say i need to gain wiehgt maybre i should haha i would always tell myself they didnt know anything and i looked fine, but looking back at pictures made me think of myself as sick it was gross and i think i look better now even though its hard my body even feels better!

thank you girls those comments really keeps me motivated! its nice to be able to talk to you all
539 Aliyah // Aug 4, 2008 at 4:15 am

Rachel recovery is a life long process, your rediscovering urself. u shud make a list of what u want to be, n what anorexia is, and go out and make each thing happen. its motivating!
but keep it up, the doctors are the experts, anorexias the false lie and you know that.
you are not fat at all, you need to re gain, and love your body.
keep it up!
540 Zoe from Think Pilates // Aug 4, 2008 at 3:37 pm

I just saw Heather’s question about types of exercise to rebuild muscles. That’s and excellent question and I’m excited that you are asking it. I would definitely say pilates is a good choice, not just because I’m a pilates instructor, but because it is a unique form of exercise that not only builds muscles and strength but ALSO focuses on healthy anatomical alignment. So… you build muscle in a way that is healthy for your body. There is also a lot of focus on the core (abdominal) muscles to help create that beautiful, strong, and healthy posture. Pilates is also unique in that it tends to not build bulky muscles but longer/more lean muscles.
I would suggest working with an instructor in privates to start but if you want to do it from your home – pilates videos work, too. Choosing a video can be tough (some are over-marketed and under-educated.) I have a list of pilates dvd reviews of amazon.com’s top selling pilates dvds. It might help you out.

Pilates DVD Reviews

Peace,
Zoe
541 Megan // Aug 4, 2008 at 10:51 pm

Hey girls
Longg time no tlk. So how is every 1 doing these days? Well, I am still doing good trying my best to not restrict and continuing 2 eat. It is nice 2 meet u Rachael. You have 2 try and stay strong through annorexia. I know what it’s like it really is a real force 2 try and get better. I know I’m going through recovery right now. The way I got annorexic is I was basicaly obese believe it or not and my goal was 2 loose weight. Well, I lost well over 100 lbs and now I am droping 2 a low body weight. I’m being closely monitered by my doctor because she still is saying I should weight about 140. But when I do my BMI I am at a good body weight. So idk :S But I learnt that by not eating all it’s good 4 is making you feel miserable, cold, and sick. There were days where I felt like passing out in class cause I ate so little and restricted. And I now know that when you crave something, you just gotta eat it! Your body needs food in order 2 survive. You may think that you are winning but in the process you are hurting others that love you. I didnt realise how many people I was hurting with my annorexia. It’s hard 2 get over I know but just try and stay strong!! And remember if you keep on going what are you gonna become or whats gonna result in it? NOTHING! You’re just gonna edge yourself closer and closer 2 death. That goes the same with all you girls STAY STRONG!! WE CAN BEAT THIS!!!
542 Megan // Aug 4, 2008 at 10:59 pm

hey again girls
Just some vitamins that are really good for Annorexia and are making me feel better and healthier!! Oh and add some color 2 ur face K there’s.. Zinc, Vitamin E (good for the hair!), Vitamin C, and Vitamin B and make sure you take a good multi vitamin like One A Day Womans (thats what I take) and Aliyah, thanks for the hair suggestion! I’ve been trying a milk, mayonase, egg, oil, almond, advocado mix in the blender than soaking my hair in it. Gross I know!! But it is working I think! Plus I used 2 iron my hair cause I hate my curls but have stopped that so I guess it’s all working! YAY!
543 Aliyah // Aug 5, 2008 at 12:57 am

megan- awwwww im glas to hear ur doing well! keep it up.
i jus found out my results, so im going to uni now, i got in! im so happy, and this is really motvating me, to get better faster. uni isone place i cnt afford to have anorexia!

so girls, eat eat eat till ur hearts content n dont dare feel guilty!
x
544 Saphire // Aug 5, 2008 at 10:27 am

Hey Aliyah- I hope you dont mind- I added you to my msn Hope you are doing good- healthy and happy! Eating whatever you wish cause you deserve it! We all do. Whenever we have a craving- go for it. It doesnt matter what it is, whether its ice cream or chocolate… lets have it and enjoy it
Have a great day everyone!!!!! Dont dare restrict girls- stand up to ana and choose to live! x
545 New To Recovery // Aug 5, 2008 at 5:35 pm

I’ve been away from home for 5 months. After about of week of being away I started to watch what I ate. I didn’t even notice I had lost any weight until I saw it in my clothes. People started making comments about how little I ate; That I picked at my food like a bird, but I still didn’t realize it. I’m 5’6 and at my low was 49 (now around 51) kilos. Which compared to some isin’t bad at all. Right now I’m on foreign exchange and If I don’t get better I will be sent home. Not to mention that blood tests have shown signs of calcium deficiency and that i’m aneimic (spelling???). I’m ready to get better because i’m sick of being tired, turning blue when it’s just a little bit cold outside, and having everyone stare at me. However now every time I eat I get horrible stomach pains and end up vomiting whatever I ate. It doesn’t seem to matter what or how much…anything at all sets my stomach off. Anything would be helpful at this point. -I feel sick, weak, I’m risking going home, and yet I still feel fat, bloated, and that i’m gaining weight. Ahhhh! Please help.
546 Aliyah // Aug 6, 2008 at 2:12 am

new to recovery- hey welcome to the site! we all know here how u feel, and wht ur goingt through.
belive me, the way to get better is the only way foward. by regaining any weight lost, u regain ur life. you dont want anorexia to ruin ur life, and you have the power to stop it.
i would say at the start u need to eat vert small portions of food, regularly like 5/6 times a day and slowly ur body will adjust to having food. also if ur vomiting a lot, then try eat slowly, one bite at a time, ur body is so used to little,s o ur stomach will have shrunk. but it does get better, and over time, you’ll feel more n more hungry.
try energy drinks and make sure u have nothing diet!
the fat feelings are ll false, its anorexia it will always plant false thoughts into ur mind, and u need to tel urself, well where is the evidence im fat?? and the answer is none, emotions and feelings are not facts.
the fact is you need to regain, and even going ot a doctor and gettin more advice is a good step u cud do.
also chek out the somethingfishy website, which has lots of extra help and suport.
good luck in beating this horrible disease, you caan do it!

x
547 New To Recovery // Aug 6, 2008 at 5:27 pm

Thanks for the response.

I ate a grapefruit today and fel horrible (physically) afterwords. I can’t even eat a stupid grapfruit in one sitting!

I’m going to try to take you advice starting friday (tomorrow I will let my stomach rest because it’s killing me.). I’m planning on eating SOMETHING ever 2 hours or so between 7am and 9pm. Hopefully i’ll be able to stomach it. Any suggestions as to what to eat? (P.S: i’m in a foreign country and don’t really have access to brand names, but general suggestions would be a HUGE help!)

Also. I weighed myself today and am currently 167cm and 53 kilograms, with a BMI of 19 (Normal). But I feel worse than ever….I feel like a failure for being over 18,5 and being “normal” That word just translates as FAT to me…no matter how I look at it. Not to mention I gained 3 kilos (6.5 pounds) in just 12 days. SCARY! And I still have a handful of problems. I’m anemic, have low blood pressure (70-40), my joints ache, I’m low on calcium, I breathe heavily, my metabolism is beyond messed up and i’m mentally exhausted. Sorry that was really random and I ended just venting….but thanks for reading and thanks in advance for the response… Hope everyone else had a better day.
548 Sara // Aug 6, 2008 at 9:22 pm

new to recovery – Hey girl! Congratulations on the first steps you are taking! I know you felt sick on the grapefruit, but that is still a huge first step, and even if you felt uncomfortable, the nutrients were a relief to your body.

I had a similar problem but not as bad in early recovery; I’d get abdominal cramps and my digestion was very slow after meals. For now, you need to focus on things that are easy to digest and won’t upset your stomach. When I had the flu, my mom would always make me drink milk or apple juice, and eat chicken soup, saltine crackers, bread & butter… anything that’s fairly bland. The grapefruit’s acid was probably too much for you right now. Take it slow. Treat yourself like you are sick and nursing yourself back to health; cause that’s actually what you are doing.

You also need to get some vitamins into your body. If you’re not doing so already, take a supplement–especially iron. This will help you feel less fatigued. And drink milk!

Hope this helps and you feel better. Really all it takes is time… time and STICKING IT OUT. What you described with your weight going up quickly is *totally normal*. As with anyone after a period of starvation, you gain a little quickly and then stabilize. In other words, you *will not* continue to gain weight at that rate for much longer, so just keep doing what you’re doing. In fact, you are better off throwing away the scales for now. Focus on keeping food down and feeling better.

*hugs!*
549 Sara // Aug 6, 2008 at 9:33 pm

sorry for the double post…

I also noticed something in your first post. You said the eating disorder started right after you went on foreign exchange?

I guess I picked up on that because my eating disorder got really bad right before and during my trip to Ukraine when I was 15. I was struggling with feeling really alone at home, and I felt like this was my chance to break away from the past and make some real friends. And of course I didn’t want to be perceived as the stereotypical fat American… (ironically, nobody said anything about my weight–which was normal, anyway–it was the fact that I wouldn’t eat their food that made people worried.)

Anything like that going on with you? Either way, you have a lot of guts to be studying abroad and adjusting to a new culture. Even after 5 months, I can imagine it must be a mixture of exciting and overwhelming.

-Sara
550 Aliyah // Aug 7, 2008 at 3:06 am

new to recovery- just like sara said, you should hve multi vitamins. your weight is not as important in this recovery as your state of mind is. if u fel fat, ugly gross and disgusted, the way to get rod of it, is to develop healthy eating habits. regular food, every few hours boosts your metablism, and if u try to have a cup of green tea every day that cud also help.
try and have a glass of milk eveery nit before bed, and for iron u need to eat veggies and red meat.
onw hat to eat maybe? well how about some toast? a baked potaot? theyr are nice n simple, yet filling, you may not be able to finish it, but have as much as u can. your body needs carbs and protein.
good luck!
dont worry u can get thru it, ana is tryint to detroy u, and dont let it, cause belvie me, the first stages of recovery are horrible, and hard, but they get better, nd see one, day your gna love eating!

x
551 rachael // Aug 7, 2008 at 6:48 am

hey everyone! it sounds like a lot of you are doing better, ive been struggling but i am doing so much better sometimes i cant believe it haha but im about to go back to school 5 hours from home and i wont have a therapists down tehre and im just worried that im gonna loose weight again and even if sometimes i want to i know that would be the worst thing for me, i dont wanna have to eg tpulled outta school or anything, and sometimes i have no one to talk to cause noone around me understands what we go through ya know? so i was wondering if any of you have a facebook or email or something like im maybe we could chat on there it might be helpfull! just let me know, and i hope you are all eating healthy and getting healthy
552 New To Recovery // Aug 7, 2008 at 10:25 am

Sara.

It’s so nice to hear from someone that really knows EXACTLY what I am going through. I was told by the volunteers from my program that the girls who go on foreign exchange usually gain anywhere from 5 to 10 kilos. (Like 11-22 pounds). I got really scared when I came, and (I didn’t notice this) but after about a week I really started watching what I ate…and it slowly spun out of control. I too wanted to represent my country in a way that it could be known for something besides fast food and obese people. After a month I had lost about 9-10 pounds and none of my clothes fit…which is a lot when I wasn’t fat to start with (132 pounds and 5’6″). It got worse and my host mom got really worried. I’ve been up and down ever since….but now that i’m ready to change my body is so messed up that it’s setting me back…Which is SOOO frusturating. I have a reallly great host mom who is helping me through this, which is what I really need. I haven’t told any of my friends back home….I just don’t think they would understand. Thanks for the food suggestions, I’m STARVING.
553 Sara // Aug 7, 2008 at 6:04 pm

You know, I think that’s really the unsung value of study-abroad programs… not only do you get to visit a foreign country, but they have a chance to meet you and break stereotypes they may have had of Americans. Which I’m sure you did… they got to meet you and get to know you for the special person you are.

(My roomates and I hosted a Netherlands exchange student in college… it was awesome to hang out with this girl and find that she was very much like the rest of us. She was really a breath of fresh air, too. The guys in their group all wore tight flare jeans, which made quite a scene on our backcountry campus!)

in other news…

I’ve been doing okay… went through a real rough week recently. I’ve been totally overwhelmed, preparing for a church kids’ camp, which turned out to be biting off way more than I could chew with all the songs, skits, and lessons and trying to translate everything from Russian so I can figure out what I’m teaching… aaaahhhhh!! *cries*

I think the confusion got to me more than I knew, because in the midst of all this I started getting really frustrated with the fact that my weight’s stayed the same since I joined the gym. Like a doofus, I tried restricting for a couple of days to see if it would change anything… even though someone who knew my situation warned me to *be very, very careful*. I didn’t feel any better, as a matter of fact I felt worse and started to feel lightheaded like I did when I was in my eating disorder. And a couple of people made comments, because my going around feeling hungry was interfering with stuff I had to do at church like practicing skits. I am thankful that lady did warn me, because it stuck and I finally decided this was the very sort of trap I need to avoid. So I’m back on track. I took my little sister out for her birthday tonight and we had a nice steak dinner. (And they had my favorite Saratoga mineral water that I used to drink when I lived in upstate New York! Brought back memories.)

I need to stop obsessing right now and just “fly casual”, as Han Solo so aptly put it. I don’t need to be worried about throwing off my exercise routine, I have more important things to do this weekend at camp. Besides, I’m going to be run off my feet. I’m playing in this skit where six other people totally *beat the crap out of me*. I already have bruises everywhere from rehearsing in the paved parking lot–ouch! It is fun, though. I never get to thrash anyone in real life, so this is actually pretty fun.

By the way, my facebook is Sara S Badaracco, and if you go on there, there is a video of the skit we’re doing…it’s like five minutes long and is SO powerful! (the link is done at another church, it’s not me).
554 Megan // Aug 9, 2008 at 8:39 am

Hi everyone,
Long time no tlk I know! Anyways, how is everyone doing? Well, this week wasn’t my best. I did allot of restricing, and was back 2 my exercise routine again. I also lost some more weight. Not good! And just when I thought the coldness went away, its come back agian. I guess it is just my bodys way of saying feed me! And I also have some new bruises. Probably from the exercising. My hair is getting healthy again though! Aliyah, thanks for the hair suggestion. I have been making my own mix up actually I put olive oil, milk, avacado, egg, almonds, and maynase in a blender and than let it sit in my hair for about half an hour than wash it out. It sounds weird and it is gross yes I know but yay its working! I’m really going 2 try my best and get better b4 summer ends because I really want 2 go 2 school normal without having these stupid annorexic thoughts in my head, and having 2 wear my coat 2 all my classes and have every 1 stare @ me. Aliyah, I just wanted 2 say congrats on getting into uni!! WAY 2 goooo girl! And don’t let annorexia get in the way of your dreams and ambitons! Stay strong!
If any of you are wanting 2 chat on MSN add me: crazyblonde16@hotmail.com I also have facebook! And email me any time! Hope 2 tlk soon. You girls are great to have love talking to you xoxo lots of love hugs and kisses
555 Aliyah // Aug 9, 2008 at 11:31 am

well firstly girls, i feel amaing these days. take it from me, when u eat more,ur mind becomes clearere and im hungry alll the time. all i wanna do it eat, and im starting to listen to my body more nd more.
Megan- you reallydont need to exercise u need to focus on gettin better and reganining. life is not worth it, when u just think abotu food and calories all the time, please try to eat. Honestly if u do u feel so much bettter even though i feel full n ikky sometimes, the feeling doesnt last long!
Megan u can see ana is affecting u , you feel cold and bruise easy, please try to see ur bidy is screaming out for nourishment. why are u depriving it, wht r u gaining? NOTHING. ana is all false fact, and dont fall under the trap.
please everyone, eat as much as uwant, ur bidy needs it, for keeping everyone strong.
Im eating more now, and ive gained a little bit of weight, but it doesnt bither me, i want to eat, i want to be more normal and i can do it. so can everyone.
Its amazing, see if u eat more, the horrible feelings last less, and ur mind becomes clearer, i wke up with energy and my skin i must say is lookin better.
lets bethe picture of good health. Megan! u have goal, to get better before school, now get out there and achieve it! seturself little targets , make sure u eat regularly, hav ehigh calorie drinks and enjoy all the food u can enjoy!when u feel really fullor bad, ignore it! keep ur mind of it, and keep urself occupied. it goes away! when ana relaies she is losing, she goes away.

lots of love to everyone!
xxxxxx
556 Aliyah // Aug 16, 2008 at 11:36 am

heyy how is everyone?
im doing soo good, i really just wanna regainall my weight as soon as i can, so i can be better. im eating more, snackin more, n i generally feel much better:)
honestly, food tastes soo much better, n im really tryn not to calorie count, caue u enjoy food more, when u dont know whats in it .

just wanna say to everyone on here, keep fighting, its going to be soo sooo worth it. your going to end up full of energy, n ok so what uve gained, thers more to life, n can enjoy all the social situation n go out to yummy restaurants all the time.
hope everyone is well!
x
557 confused // Aug 16, 2008 at 4:11 pm

hi
i am recovering from anorexia but i’m just so confused , i am doing it without the help of doctors and nutritionists but i do see a nurse every 2 weeks to be weighed. im 19 5ft4 and about 39kilos. the problem is i have binges where i just eat and eat even if im so full up i cant fit anything else in. i would say ive eaten about 3000 cals today where normally id stick to around 1000-1200. i feel awful and try and make myself sick but it never works!!!! why am i binging????? help please
558 Megan // Aug 16, 2008 at 10:22 pm

To confused,
I know excatly what you are going through!! I am currently recovering and I believe I am getting better but I feel the same way I am having ALLOt of binge eating! I don’t think about the thoughts of it @ the time cause it just tastes sooo good! But after words I feel terrible ! And feel the same way like I need 2 throw up, or will feel the need 2 start major exercising 2 work it all off. But I think of it as this way… we have reprived out body of certain foods 4 a long time and now we are enjoying those foods again! So I think we should just eat! It is our bodies way of saying “ok I haven’t had this in such a long time! please just keep feeding me!” Confused, we need 2 eat. Don’t think about it just eat! That is what I am trying 2 do right now. And all summer long I feel like I have just been a baking machine I’ve just been baking and baking and baking! My body has been craving sweet things non-stop! It’s sooo annoying! And when I bake I will literly binge eat. But don’t worry our body is just wanting certain foods I think. Just feed it. You will be fine. My weight has been up and down all summer long. But I know excatly what u are going through with the binge eating. You arn’t alone! xoxo
559 Megan // Aug 16, 2008 at 10:33 pm

hey everyone,:)
if any of u wanna chat add me to msn.. crazyblonde16@hotmail.com I also have facebook!!
560 Aliyah // Aug 17, 2008 at 1:36 am

Confued- hey there! well done on finally deciding to beat anorexia! The ”binges” r not really binges, our bodies hav been starved soo much, it needs ALOT of extra food to repair n mend the damage. its part of recovery, u shud be eating that much everyday. anything less than 2000 wud still be starvation, so keep eating! ino it may seem like a lot but its because ur body needs so much extra. if u went to an anorexia programme u wud be put on a 4000+ calorie diet! doctors belive for the brain n mind to fnction properly of anorexics we need a very high calorie n fat diet!so ur not bingeing, do not wory at all. just feed ur poor body n give in to ur cravings. the food tastes soo good doesnt it?
n the throwing up, dont do it, thtas just anarexia trying to get to you, you will not get fat from eating the way u are , u will slowly start to get better n healthier n that is the way to be! keep going! xx
561 Aliyah // Aug 17, 2008 at 1:40 am

Megan, well done on feedi ur body n not giving in to the ana thoughts of exercising or throwing up/ It is just ur poor body wanting more food to repair itself. dont worry, n dont feel guilty after u deerve it.u deserve freedom from this awful awful diseaase. always rememebr u gain nothing from starving urself n depriiving urself, but my feedin urself u gain ur life bak n feel energetic n happy!
well done keep going, im eating a lot at the moment too, but im enjoying it soo much. i love all the yummy foods!
xx
562 rachael // Aug 17, 2008 at 6:04 am

hey yall sorry i havent really been able to talk or read many posts ive ben so busy and i think im goign in a downward spiral, i was doing good gaining wiehgt but idk i just got sick of everything and i dunno my thinking isnt straight i havent been very good these alst days and i dunno nothing seems to be going great, i have anxiety attacks about certain things and latley i havent had them but i have been dreaming i have them idk it kinda sucks like im afraid they are gonna start coming back..im at an all time low right now
563 confused // Aug 17, 2008 at 11:27 am

hey everyone, thank you so much for ur comments you all really know how to make somebody feel better. nobody else understands what we go through and it is such a relief to know there are other people going through what we go through. i have added u on msn megan so hopefully will speak to you properly on there…but i still feel like im binging, and oh my god i love to bake too, i made some cakes yesterday i kinda have nearly demolished it all already!!!!
aliyah thankyou aswell for replying, yes food tastes soooo nice i cant believe i was ever starving myself!!! just curious i dont know whether you can help me but really how many calories should i be eating a day??? how many do you all eat? and when u do binge eat have u gained alot of weight quickly, as this is what im scared of id rather gain weight properly then all of a sudden just have this pot belly!!! thanks guys ur amazing and i hope your all doing well x x x x muchus love x
564 Aliyah // Aug 17, 2008 at 11:33 am

Confued-ur most welcome. its ok, its not bingring, its normal. cause our bodie have been soo starved they need ALOT of food to recover. u shud be eating at least 2500 to 4000. depends on how tall u are n how much u need to regain? But really 3 big meals n lots of snack. our bodies really need it, so give it lots of food! and when u binge, no u dont gain weight suddenly, alot of wht we eat, is used up quickly to repair the inside of our bodies n for storage. as u eat more ur metabolism gets faster n u need to eat more n more. dont wory about regain, in the beginning its a bit faster than later on.
you wont have a pot belly, all ur weight gained will even out. You know, were not even gaining weight, we r REGAINING what we lost! so really any fat thoughts are all ana trying to get u down!
dont let it!
keep going n keep posting!
xxx
565 Sara // Aug 18, 2008 at 7:56 pm

Sara here… I have really been struggling this week. I got back from camp and felt really good, but lately I feel like I am on a roller coaster with food. I am trying to just eat *healthy* (as in plenty, but natural foods / not junk or sugar that makes me feel tired). I feel immensely better mentally/physically when I eat well. But the flip side is that when I pay attention to what I’m eating, I tend to eat less. And so I’ve been going around feeling hungry, and it’s driving me crazy.

I don’t want to be obsessed with food or weight. I want to just be normal like usual. I just got back from the gym, I only worked out for like 30 minutes, but I feel more stressed than when I went in. And I’m trying to eat something before bed, but I think maybe the exercise is messing with my appetite. Idk. I’m eating it anyway. I can’t let something dead beat something alive.

I don’t even know what I’m stressed about, except that I have to teach a lesson on cocaine addiction at work (that I’m not prepared for). And the guy I like was being nice to me again. I wish he would just ignore me so I can get over him, because I know he doesn’t really like me for who I am. .
566 confused // Aug 19, 2008 at 12:52 pm

OMG HELP ME NOW!!!! tonight i got in and was starving so i ate 6 ryvitas with ham cucumber and tomato on top, then 3 big bowls of cereal and then some skinny cow chocolate icecream…..i cant stop im still hungry and i know i shouldnt feel bad because i need to put on weight but i feel sooo bad and i think im gunna wake up tomro and be massive and probably would have gained about 7lbs!! does anybody else binge like this? somebody please help me and make me feel better x x x x
567 Aliyah // Aug 19, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Confued- calm down, wht u did is soooooooo normal in recovery. we all do it, we all have moments where we eat loads! its cause our bodies have been so straved they need a lot of extra food. do not worry, u will not wake uo 2moro fat at all. I promise you. When u feel these urges just eat until ur full then stop.
our bodies need it for repair, it shows you how malnourished ur body is. plz dont worry at all, its a sign of achievement its a good thing, ana is tryin to makeu feel fat n horrible. dont listen to it!
n u r not alone! we all do it!

xxxxx
568 Megan // Aug 19, 2008 at 9:45 pm

Confused,
I know EXACTLY what u r going through! I am doing random binge eating 2. But it is all because we have deprived our selves of those certain foods for so long and our bodies are telling us enough is enough I want it!! Confused , don’t worry about what you are eating when u feel the need 2 u just gotta eat! That is what I am trying 2 do. We really are starving inside and need fuel in order 2 survive. About the weight gain, I have been doing the same thing as you randomly just binge eating but I haven’t gained any weight! That is because our bodies need it. So don’t deprive! Just enjoy food and enjoy every bite! Listen 2 Aliyah she gives really good advice. Hope ur doing ok too Aliyah!! And Aliyah is right annorexia is just an ugly voice almost like a demom that lives and torments inside us. We HAVE 2 beat this girls!!!
569 Aliyah // Aug 20, 2008 at 1:16 am

hey megan! yeh ive been realyyy good, eating lots, challenging myself n listening to my body, n its food needs. u feeel soo much better after eating dnt u?
how r u anyway?
x
570 confused // Aug 20, 2008 at 2:58 pm

hiya
thankyou megan for the comment, made me feel alot better…i think its cause im new to all of this recovery stuff and im doing it all by myself so im finding it hard to know what im doing is normal, and u guys are great ur really helping me and making me feel like im not going mad and gunna turn into this fat pig!!!
anorexia is horrible, we should be able to take some sort of tablet to get rid of the voices haha, god that makes us sound like we’re mad!!
how is everyone else? i feel like i just ramble on about myself on here, but im prob gunna be crap at advice because u guys have been going through it soo much longer then me and know all the ins and outs but if u ever wanna ask me anything at all im here for you all and lets do this altogether!! wahoo x x x x
571 isabella mori // Aug 20, 2008 at 8:03 pm

hi everyone – i haven’t been paying attention and just realized that you guys have been posting here. please do me a favour and continue the conversation over on “page 2″ of this chat area – here. thanks!
572 Megan // Aug 24, 2008 at 10:23 pm

hey girls,
how is everyone doing? Well, I’m getting really scared I go 2 my doctors on Tuesday and the last time I saw her if I lost more weight she said she was gonna send me 2 an eating disorders doctor. I have lost about 2 or 3 pounds since I have last seen her (July) and my weight is just constantly up and down! I just hope she will let me slide . But idk. My eating hasn’t been the best either. It was great in July but somehow it went down hill in the middle/end just when I thought I was getting better. But I’m not exercising as much as I used 2 though. I just keep on counting and restricting what I eat. And I also find that I am baking that eating allot of it! It’s sooo bad! Cause it just tastes soooo good and I keep on eating and eating it.:( Any one else finding they have a sweet tooth as well?? Confused, I am doing recovery by myself 2 my doctor is just watching my body weight so it doesn’t dip any lower. I sometimes wonder if I need counseling 2 deal with it but I believe that I can get through this! We are ALL STRONG! WE CAN BEAT THIS! And Aliyha, How are you doing these days? talk to you girls soon
megan xoxo
573 Aliyah // Aug 25, 2008 at 1:21 am

hey megan, sorry to hear uve had a ruff time. but honestly, you must focus on your eating, eat as much as u can every single day, its soo important. dnt calorie count or restrict, i dont do it anymore, n it helps me eat a lot more, and i feel freeer. we have the right to eat when we want and however much we want so we shud do it!
life is too short to worry about calories isnt it? regaining our weight is the only way out of this mess. ana will never go away if we restrict n calorie count, we must disobey ana and challenge ourselves.
a counceller is good , i see one every now and then, u get a lot of helpful tips and advice, so u shud definetly try it
im great thanks, just eating lots and trying to be ‘normal’ abot food i guess
x
574 Andre Dotseth // Aug 25, 2008 at 11:11 pm

I know anorexia is bad. I staved out for a week in the hospital after I was in an accident. Some smart alic psychetrist put me on remeron.

Everything they have me on causes weight gain. I ate two chicken legs and 5 pieces of cake and 4 l. of diet soda. I usually go thru a drive thru window and scarf a double cheese burger for the day or eat a carton of ice cream.

I know this isn’t good, but anything so I don’t obsess about diet and excersize. I am over weight actually. My low was 20 years ago at 166 and I’m almost 230 not in a good way. I think both of my roomates are anorexic although they haven’t done the starve and barf.

I think with men alcohol has calories. There is a part of me that thinks skin and bones are healthy
575 Megan // Aug 26, 2008 at 8:38 am

Alyiha,
Thanks. I know I’m trying my best 2 focus on my eating and 2 eat regular meals just like a normal person but I still can’t seem 2 eat an entire sandwhich or eat a bowl of ceral like I used 2. Dinner is one meal that is fine though! I will eat that! It’s just so stupid how we obsess over numbers. Annorexia is a deadly obsession. I am going 2 the doctors today and I know I have lost a few pounds and am really hoping she won’t make my parents put me in an eating disorder clinic. I’m sooo nervous and scared! And everytime I go she asks me what I eat 4 my meals. I’ll see how it goes and tell you about it later! Take care talk to you again soon. xoxo
576 hiding // Sep 1, 2008 at 5:47 pm

hello.
i am a recovering anorexic and the only people who know about my disorder are my friends and counselors from camp. i really dont want my parents to find out but the reason i cant tell them is because they are what caused my anorexia. they are constantly pushing me at everything i do until it becomes too much. i would probably still be anorexic if i hadnt gone to camp that year and opened up. i really dont think that i could stand to break their hearts by telling them something like that. any suggestions?
577 Aliyah // Sep 2, 2008 at 1:08 am

hiding- im so sorry to hear that, nt ,y parents partly caused my anoroexia with their high expectations and strictness, and uno by teling them, i am now in the best place i have ever been in recovery. of course it will hurt ur parents, but at the end of the day they love u no matter what, and they shud help and support u to get better. Do u live with them? cause if u do, its impossible not to tell them. im sure they must have sum idea u arent well. the only way for u to get out of anorexia is regain ur weight n life bak and face ur fears. its a a long and hard path but it must be done. u cud go to ur doctor n ask for the best way to tell them, maybe she cud sit with u or something?

Megan- heya. u sed u find it hard to finish meals, but uno when u are eating them, it is just anorexia screaming false ideas into ur head. u must be stronger than the vice and finish it of. whe u finish it, u have beat ana and proved to urself u can do it. its a great feeling! and when u have a meal u shud sit with the telly on, or sumone else, to distract u from the horrible voices!

good luck x
578 Megan // Sep 5, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Hi everyone,

How is everyone doing? Well, a couple of weeks ago I went 2 my doctor and I lost a few more pounds but I was shocked she didn’t send me away 2 that eating disorders clinic she just said as long as the weight loss isn’t drastic like 5 or 10 pounds than I will be fine. She is still keeping a close watch on me and she gave me a meal plan 2 try and eat 1800 calories at least a day. The thing is is that my annorexia has gotten bad again. I lost sooo much week within a week 6 punds which is not good! I guess it is because I still haven’t been eating allot. Than I gained some weight and started 2 freak out so I began 2 restrict and exercise agan. I really am trying not to fall back into my old habits again and its hard! But I have been eating a little more for breakfest and lunch because I have been feeling dizzy, and faint now that I am back in class and I’m trying to maintain my weight becasuse its always up and down! And than when I lost more weight I started 2 see more bones and see my ribs start to protrude and it’s not a pretty site 2 see. Aliyah, thanks the voices have started 2 stop but I still can’t stop counting calories!! It’s sooo annoying. I just wish I could eat normal without doing my whole calorie counting again. Annorexia is a dangerous habbit. But I’m gonna try and beat this! I keep on telling my self 2 stay strong. That goes for all you girls together we will beat this! Annorexia is just a voice, and a voice can so eaisly be turned to a whisper and in time a whisper can disapear.
579 Aliyah // Sep 5, 2008 at 1:54 pm

megan- anaorexia isjust a voice that can disapear. it will ony go, i f u truely want it to, u must fightit every sinlge day by eating , and thats the only wa to get stronger. u must overcome the fear and voice, and as u eat more u will feel more and mre hungry.
just think of a lovely life without it, and eventually u will win! i know u will.
calorie counting will go awa with it too, it takes time, like now i dnt calorie count as much, but i still do sumtimes it is so hard to stop completely.
im sorry to hear u had a bad time, but make it good, live ur life like u shud
good luk x
580 Megan // Sep 5, 2008 at 9:03 pm

Aliyah,
Thanks 4 the advice. You’re really making a difference in my life right now , and you always know the right things 2 say. You’re motivating me 2 stop my annorexia and try to get better. Thank you! Well, I don’t calorie count as much as I used 2 nor do I exercise as much either. But last night 4 instance I went 2 a run after dinner (bad I know!) And than that stupid voice kept on making me do more and more push my self further and further. You are right it’s just a voice and it will dissapear but it just takes time and patience I guess. I like baking allot but than I end up eating sooo much of it than I feel like a fat pig 4 it. Anyways, How are you doing these days? Are you getting better? Best of luck 2 you!! xoxo
581 Aliyah // Sep 6, 2008 at 11:08 am

megan- heya darling! ur soo sweet thats such a nice thing to say uno what, i just ate a huge dinner and im stuffed but theres no way in hell i wud go for a run and burn it off, do uno why? cause i enjoyed it, and i dnt think i shud feel guilty. yes im soo goodjust now thanks, im eating all the time, and i love it. im enjoying food and im tryin new things, im breaking my boundries and i fel energetic and strong and normal!
and uno what megan, u can do it too, next time that horrible voice comes into ur mind remind urself, u are real and human the voice isnt, so why shud u listen to it. by regainin weight u will get ur life back! honestly u will and u will be full of energy so when u hear the voice ignore it.
heres sumideas to keep ur mind off the voice- watch tv, fone a friend, listen to relaxing music, eat!, go to sleep medidtate or take a bath. just do sumthing u enjoy and like and it will take ur mind off it.
bakin is great! so yummy and u shud be enjying the gorgeous taste of cakes and it will give u lots of energy
keep going megan!!
xx
582 Megan // Sep 6, 2008 at 10:20 pm

Aliyah,

Thanks again for your great advice. You seem like such a confident person, and that motivates me to get better and defeat this!! I know I can. And I am trying my best. I really do enjoy food but than after I just find myself doing the same old stupid annorexic trick again.. calcualting how much I ate. I drives me nuts! But it isn’t as bad as last year sometimes when we would be doing a class not I would stop and start adding my calories up on my page. So I know that I am better than what I was. But still not totally over it. I guess it just all takes time! But do you ever find you weight is up and down? I lost about 4 more pounds this week. I always get low on the weekends than during the week it is higher. It’s sooo confusing. I really gotta just stop because if I get any lower annorexia is gonna try and take me away and I don’t want it 2. Right now I am baking for the fair I enter stuff each year. It’s lots of fun and helps keep my mind off of things. Take care and ttyl bye!
xoxo
And thanks!!
583 Aliyah // Sep 7, 2008 at 3:47 am

megan- heyy aww ur so sweet! and yeah it does take time, and then u realise, and u truely wanna get better and u just fight all the time against ana. Um no my weight is pretty stable, im finding it hard to gain, but im eating a lotof food so im gettin there, but i dnt exercise at all or anything. do u? focus on regain all teh time, u have to eat an extra 500 calories every day for a week jus to gain one pound! so u gta keep eating all the time, no matter how u feel hun, cause its gna be worth it at the end!

xx
584 struggling!!! // Sep 10, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Hey everyone!!! i am sooo surprised yet relieved to hear that i am not alone. I am trying so hard to recover from anorexia which i have had for over a year now but when i think i’m doing well…(put on a few pounds) i get petrified and don’t eat again for a few days. I’m 5ft 2 and about 83 pounds and all my friends and family comment on how skinny i am, but when i look in the mirror i just feel fat. i sooo want to change.. why does it have to be so hard arggghhh!! helppp!!!
585 Aliyah // Sep 10, 2008 at 3:29 pm

strgguling- heya, u are not alone! we all hear that horid voice too. but take it from me, ive been in recovery for nearly a year and the only way to get out of anorexia is to eat. u have to regain ur life back, by regainin ur weight. yes u will feel fat a lot, but thats just a stupid voice lying to u. learn to ignore it n challenge it.
try the something fishy website to get sum tips , but ur not alone, and jst kep fighting. keep ur mind off anorexia and food by keeping urself occupied after eating and also to rememer to eat regulary and often. this will help speed ur metablism up and get u used to food!

good luck
586 struggling!!! // Sep 11, 2008 at 5:17 am

Aliyah- thanks for the advice! i cant help but be amazed at how determind and strong u r, you are a very inspirational person and already i feel more determind to beat this. I no things won’t happen over night but i have decided that from today i’m goin to make areal effort to change. I am just glad i decided 2 be apart of this site because i seriously don’t no how 2 talk about it 2 other people. My mum has obviously noticed but i just get angry when she tries 2 bring it up! and my dad just has no idea that i am ill and actually very low, he just makes comments about me all the time which realllyy don’t help me feel better about myself.
Today is the first step in the right direction for me and u have been a big influence in my decision 2 take this step and i can’t thank u enough.Thankyouuu!!! =-)
x
587 Aliyah // Sep 11, 2008 at 5:23 am

struggling- aww thank u ur so sweet. ive just been suffering from this awful ed so long, i hate seeing other people going thru the same. i hate that horrid voice. just remember thers always gna be real hard time, and times when hat voice wont go away, but u have to fight, u have to eat, the more u eat, the faster the recovery. Face the fact, to get better u have to gain weight, which means a lot of food. when ur healthier, ur gna benefot so much from energy and vitality, and ull set a good example to ur partner AND can help them get better:)
why dont u tell ur parents? i told mine, and they are a great support dont hide it, they can help u get better. i sometimes need to speak to my mum for a comforting word.

xxxkeep posting
588 Aliyah // Sep 11, 2008 at 5:26 am

i dnt know why i sed partner there sorry, i was thinkin of sumone else :p x
589 struggling!!! // Sep 11, 2008 at 6:03 am

oh its ok ha =-) I don’t no what it is that stops me from just admitting 2 my parents that i have a problem. My mum tries 2 talk about it nearly everyday and i actually found out that she once suffered 2, which i admit made me feel better about myself as i no she will understand what i’m going through. I have admitted 2 her ive had issues with food and how i percieve myself but then i turn it around by telling her i am ok now and that i’m over it. I think the main reason i don’t want 2 admit it is that i feel like such a failure and i also don’t think my dad would understand either because he’s always seen me as some one who’s very strong and determind, and he expects me to do well in life.
You sound so happy and bubbly now and i am keeping that thought in my head as i can’t wait for the day i feel like that 2. Well done 2 u by the way =-)
xxx
590 Aliyah // Sep 11, 2008 at 6:58 am

a lot of anorexics are perfectionists, we want to be good at everything, and when we feel we cnt control sumthing we turn to food. the fact ur mum sufferred is a HUGE sign meanng for u to tell her, honestly it wil help so much, she can encourage and motivate u. this journey is to hard to do alone, u need family and friends support. No one is gna be ashamed of you, everyone wants to help u

and yes it has taken me agesss to get to the stage im at, i suffered anorexia twicwe and bulimia like 4 times, but im tryin to put it all behind me and look fwd to a life without any of it! eat and feel free. today when i ate too much at lunch – a burger, can of coke and biscuits i went for a drive and played music loud and sang along! i felt soo much better after, so try to do things that make u happy and smile

wishing u the best! im always here if u needa chat xx
591 struggling!!! // Sep 11, 2008 at 2:42 pm

after speaking 2 u on here i went down stairs and made myself sumfin 2 eat…it wasn’t easy and i couldn’t stop myself from reading how much fat and calories there were, but i stayed strong and i ended up with a tuna salad…not alot 2 the average peson but 2 me it was a start even though with each mouthfull i had i couldnt stop worrying about how fat i might get. I ate it tho and not long after i took the dog for a walk. This really helped me take my mind off feeling guilty and stopped the ‘voice’ haha so many people on here have said that keeping busy really helps with recovery and i sooo agree..looks like im just gonna have 2 keep veeerryy busy from now on, coz i will beat this damm thing i will haha keep strong people xx ohh and 1 more thing i think this site is gr8 its really amazin how just having people2 relate 2 can make u feel so much stronger, every person on here is so brave and strong well done! and thanks again for ur advice Aliyah! =-)
xx
592 Aliyah // Sep 11, 2008 at 3:27 pm

struggling- ahhhhhhh!! WELL DONE! im soo proud of u. u kicked ana in th ebutt there! heres a list of things to do to keep ur mind of ana ‘ read a book, run a bath and have a nice long one, talk to sumone, browse internet, watch a movie, fone a friend, write down a list of the horrible things ana makes u feel, listen to music, take a nap…..

keep posting! wer all here for u. ur not alone:)
593 Megan // Sep 12, 2008 at 10:17 pm

welcome 2 the sire struggling,

You have come 2 the right place. I just recently this year became annorexic. I guess there is no real explination how we become annorexic, how that stupid second evil sister (as I call it) just pops into our head. But I go by the quote I made up while struggling and trying 2 cope with this… A voice can eaisly be turned to a whisper, and in time a whisper will evantually disappear. The voice WILL dissapear! You just have 2 make sure you stay strong. And when you hear that stupid sister of yours inside your head taunting with you try your best of blocking it out by just grabbing something you want 2 eat and evantually it will disapear. The voices that I have been hearing for almost a year are slowly starting 2 fade away. But by eating you destroy it!! And what do we gain by not eating? NOTHING! Because by eating we are destroying our bodies, and it just makes us weaker letting annorexia get the best of us. Some days you will have your bad days but hey, we all do right? But do we really want 2 be counting calories the rest of our lives? I fear that this will never go away. My calorie counting is such an obsession! But it is getting ALLOT better. You can beat this we can all beat this!! You are in the right place. And Alyiha is such a great person 2 turn 2. She offers such great advice. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her! Thanks Alyiha you mean the world for me!! xoxoxo
594 struggling!!! // Sep 13, 2008 at 3:50 am

Hi megan, i like ur quote i will sure be keeping that 1 in mind thankyou! i guess being anorexic just becomes a routine for us, something we see as the norm, but all the advice i have been given upto now makes me realise this is not normal, however it has become a routine and one which i am determind to break..or should i say will break =-) I guess we just all have to stay positive and find something new to focus on from now on, then like u say that voice will fade. see im gettin the hang of it already hehe!
since becoming apart of this site i would say i’m doing ok, but i have also had some slip ups. One day i was able 2 eat something but then the next i felt so guilty and didn’t eat a thing. Since then ive tried to pick myself up again by making sure i’m in the room with others whilst i eat so they could distract me away from feeling guilty… from hearing that voice…and for me this was hard but something which became easier, as i finally felt apart of my family again instead of just feelingthat i was alone =-)
You sound like your doing really well and i wish you the best of luck because your right, we shouldnt let this horible, evil thing destroy us! stay strong i believe in you… well done! =-)
xxxx
595 Aliyah // Sep 13, 2008 at 11:17 am

struglling- heya well done so far! teh start is so hard, up and down all the time but ur doing amazing! very proud. its better to eat with people, it makes u eat more and thats only good! When ana gets to u ignore her, do sumthing to keep busy and dont not eat, try ur best not to restrict, ino its so hard and whenthe voices come they attack u. but really try ur best not too, feed your soul, and regain ur life back

xx well done xx
596 Megan // Sep 13, 2008 at 10:03 pm

Struggling,
I’m glad my quote helped! I write allot in my spare time and during my whole struggle with Annorexia I’ve made allot of quotes to try and come to terms with myself and what I am going through. Writing is another great way 2 get things off of your mind! Same with reading. But I totally know what you mean about the not being able 2 eat and feel guilty about it. I still go through that off and on! My annorexia isn’t as bad as it was, but I still have my bad days off an on. We all do! But we HAVE 2 stay strong! We must fight this!! I know we can beat this, it’s just it all takes time. But remember everything will evantualy get better in time. Nothing lasts forever. So stay positive!! If you ever want 2 tlk I have MSN and facebook. take care! xoxo megan
597 Krista // Sep 14, 2008 at 1:38 pm

I’m recovering from anorexia/bulimia. I’m 5’2″ and last time I was weighed, i was up to 95lbs. I feel so fat though. My clothes are feeling tighter and I’m becoming more and more depressed about it. i used to have so much control when it came to constriction, but now its as if I cant stop eating. I want everything and my binges are out of control. I just don’t know what to do….Its as if i’m going from one extreme to the other.
598 Aliyah // Sep 15, 2008 at 4:16 am

Krista – hiyaaa welcome to the site! ive had anorexia and bulimia i know how u feel, belive me. you shud have a structire in ur eatng, like make sure u have 3 big meals a day with say two snacks of whatever u like. that way it can help cntrol the binges. but bingeing is a normal part of recovery, its hard, very hard but u have to have the power and will power to overcome it and u can. recovery is about regaining ur life back, and havein g a healthy and happy life.
u cud maybe see a nutrionist?
599 Krista // Sep 15, 2008 at 12:05 pm

I’ve seen a nutritionist, shes wonderful actually. Its weird though, I learned to stay away from certain foods and had so much control of what I put in my body. Now its as though I can’t stop eatting. I’m afraid I’m going to gain too much too quickly. Every morning I wake up and tell myself “Krista, today is going to be a good day”…and it might start off fine, but I always seem to fall into binging and purging. I don’t want to do it, it just seems inevitable…I hate that part of myself. I always feel so out of control. I’m going to start seeing a psychologist that the nutritionist recommended. She has suposedly helped many people with eating disorders on both end of the spectrum.
I woke up feeling fat today. I just wish I could wake up and feel beautiful without forcefully telling myself I am.
I think this is agreat website by the way. Yesterday was really hard for me. I was searching the web to help keep myself out of the kitchen and came upon this site. It got me through the rest of the night. Thank you.
600 Aliyah // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Krista- u honestly shuldnt purge. ino how addictive it becomes, but one day ages ago i went to far and start brining up loads of blood. its so scary and horible and i dont want it to happen to u. just focus on eating well, try to have a routine, set food out , so u dnt binge. when u have a meal, have everythin ur gna have on the plate so u dnt go lookin for more.
good luck with the psychologist, im sure it will be great help to u.
the battle is long and hard but u can do it, if u want to love urself, u have to embace change andlearn to accept urself for who u are. and u are a beautiful person regardless of weight and size, be the true u, and that is a person without a voice
x
601 Megan // Sep 15, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Krista,

First off welcome 2 the site! I am 18 yrs old and I am currently recovering from annorexia. But just like you I am binge eating 2!! I know what u mean. The food that I am binging on is well, I LOVE 2 bake and will eat it as soon as I bake it. It’s soo bad! But I enjoy the taste so much. We shouldn’t have 2 restrict ourselves. We are destroying our bodies inside by doing that. I think we crave certain foods and binge because we have starved our selves of the foods we used 2 love 4 sooo long! Now that I am recovering, I notice that I enjoy food more and more now but I still sometimes find myself adding up the stupid calories. Krista, you shouldn’t purge I have tried that before but it has never worked. You need the food to recover and get your body healthy again. Eat as much as you want when you want it’s all apart of a healthy recovery! xoxo good luck
602 isabella mori // Sep 15, 2008 at 2:17 pm

hi all – this is isabella, the owner of this site. i’m going to close comments on this particular page. please continue the discussion here. see you there!
603 Shay // Sep 29, 2008 at 12:39 pm

Hi, I am currently trying to recover from anorexia. I find that I am binging and feeling bloated!!! I look in the mirror and hate what I see and think how long its going to take to get rid of all this extra weight. I am 5’5 and was down to 112 and now that I have gained some back I feel fat and disgusting! They keep telling me that its ok to eat and that the bloating will go away. Is this really true? Because I keep trying to find a new way to “diet” that won’t get me in trouble again. Please help me out with this!!!
Thanks
604 Aliyah // Sep 29, 2008 at 12:53 pm

shay- welcome! well done on decding to get better. recovery is about learning to love yourself and accepting ursel for who u are, yes the bloating does go away belive me, i went thru it. u have to stick by it, when ur body trust u agen it will get bettter! do not go on a diet, ur body has suffered enuff. U must eat a lot of food now, u need it, and anorexic voices get less asu eat more. its sounds crazy, but honestly the days i eat lots of food i get less ana. ANOREXIA IS A SLOW SUICIDE. we are damaging our bodies so much by not eating. please eat well, and look after ur body. u only live once, u do not wanna be older and regret it. u deserve to eat when u want and however much uwant. listen to the experrts, they are tellin u for a good reason! U may feel digusting, but if u think about it ur not even gaining weight, all ur doing is regainin weight u lost!
im beginin to like my body now, it look sbetter with sum skin on it! who wants to look weak and sick! lets enjoy food eh?

xx
605 Shay // Sep 29, 2008 at 3:37 pm

Thanks for responding! I have another question. What about exercises? What is the best to be doing, how long, or how much? I am starting to feel like I have a little more energy to exercise, but even just a little bit leaves me completely drained, any suggestions?
606 Aliyah // Sep 29, 2008 at 11:35 pm

shay- ur welcome! u shuldnt be doing any exercise at all yet. wait till uve regained weight first before u do any. it cud damage ur body and prolong the recovery process. it cud also become addictive. when i tried to recover the first time, i ended up doin so much exercise and then i ended up with ana agen! so once uve regained ur weight, then do light exercises like walking. nothing strenous. And honestly dnt fret about no exercise cause i dnt do any! and im nearly at my ideal weight.
just enoy food, the last thin any of us want is to be ill, cold, tired, unhappy and infertile!
ignore that voice!

xx
607 Shay // Sep 30, 2008 at 9:25 am

Thanks for the response! I missed my run this morning and was pretty upset with my self! How much weight should I be gaining? I gained ALOT in the first two weeks and tried doing measurements and totally freaked out!!! I feel that I have undone all that I have worked for. And has anyone experienced soreness or tenderness all over? My muscles just ache all the time and I am not even doing that much?
608 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 9:29 am

shay- ur welcome!ur muslces are sore cause u have put ur body thru too much . Dont exercise, at all, ur hurting ur muslces. and the scary thing? ur heart is a muscle. why do u think so many anorexics die of heart attacks? its cause they have exercised too much and the muscles cant take it. so seriously do not worry about exercise, u have a new goal now, to regain ur weight. focus on that, not losing or restricting intake at all. At the start of recovery u shud be puttin on about 2 pounds a week, till ur body gets used to food agen, then after it will level out, and u will have to increase ut intake, as ur metablism gets faster.

how much r u eating anyway? r u gna see a doctor at all?

xx
609 Shay // Sep 30, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Thanks for responding! I have been to a doctor and he was thrilled with the amount of weight I put on, it was seriously like 16 lbs in 3 weeks (he said it was mostly water and the bloating) is that true? I feel so fat and disgusting again! I tried to start my Weight Watchers program again today, but I find I start counting calories instead and I had only had 90 calories and it was nearly 1:00!!! I just feel that I need to do something or I will gain back everything that I have worked for!!!
610 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 12:55 pm

Shay- dont worry!yeah at the start its mostly water retention. I hated it too, i didnt feel good, but if u stick by it, it passes. it does take a gd wee while, it just depends on ur body i guess uno.mines took about 8 weeks or so but dont worry. just enjoy it, ud rather br gettin better and enjoying food!
whyr u doing a weigh watchers programme?and 9o calories is nothing. thats so little . u need to eat loads of calories. hundres and hundres. hell even thousands!
keep ur mind of food, go on this http://www.something-fishy.org. its got loads of hints and help and it has loads of oether people recovering on it too in forums.

are ur family all a great support? how long did u have ana? how old r u?
xx
611 Shay // Sep 30, 2008 at 2:58 pm

Oh trust me I ate some more calories and now I feel bad about it! The weight watchers program is what I had started doing a long time ago to lose weight and I wanted to try it again. I am now 27 and yea my family is a great support for me, they tell me how good I look but I really have a hard time believing them. My ana has went on for quite a while but I only started getting help within the last month or so. How about you?
612 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 3:02 pm

shay-but u dnt need to lose weight! dont let ana tell u that.. u need to regain ur weight and life back!
aww its gd u have ur family as a support/ i bet they all eat normal and thats how we wanna be!
ive had anorexia and bulimia on off for 6 years . finallly last year i decided to get better , now i am sooooooooo much better! not far from my ideal weigt and i actually like my body now, it looks better with skin on it!! my jeans fit properly!
what kinda foods do u eat? istheir any foods u wnt eat?

x
613 Shay // Sep 30, 2008 at 4:01 pm

What would be my ideal weight? I feel that I am way over and yes my jeans fit (ok my smallest ones don’t fit…..) I feel that I am getting way too big. My dad says that I look good but is the 16 lbs way too much? Or is it just water and will it go away? AS far as foods go, I like most normal foods, I really only crave sweet things such as sugary cereals. Any suggestions for a food plan?
614 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 11:35 pm

shay- well ur height and activity levels will determine how much u need to weigh. hw tall are u? if it helps im about 5ft ( small ino!) and my ideal weight is just under 7 stone.
nah tha 16 pounds isnt way too much cause most of it is water. it will go away and stop but u ave to keep at it and keep eating cause ur body has to get used to food agen and it has to trst u that u want starve it agen ( which u wnt!).
food plan? um why dont u see a nutrionist? but i wud say make sure u have 3 biggg meals! breakfast have cereal or toast, lunch whatever u like as long as it has protein and carbs so like a sandwich and dinner the same carbs and protein. and inbetwen have snacks. cerealbars, crisps, pancakes, fruit, breadsticks,… the list is endlesss.

x
615 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 8:49 am

Thanks for the response! I am about 5’5 and it said my ideal weight is between 114 and 150 (talk about a spread Thanks for the help and the ideas. I sure hope that this goes away becuase I keep wanting to diet and start starving myself again so I can fit into my “SKINNY” jeans. Do you know if there are any exercises just for toning muscles? I kinda look a little, well a lot flabby now?
616 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:02 am

shay- heyy no worries. firstly make sure ur at ur ideal weight! then if u are do light exercises like yoga. its supposed ot be good, not too streneous but helps tone.i bet u dont look flabby at all! i dont do any exerise, walkin around uni , and studying/recvising takes up enuff energy from me! I learnt in biology class today about nutrition and seriously to everyone on this site, being deficient in nutrients is so o dangerous. The really scary one is osteoroporsis, ( weak bones), if we dont have enuff calcium now in the fuutre our bones are gna become so weak and break so easily
lets prevent this everyone! please!
do not dfiet or starve urself, u only become miserable and sad this way, and losing weight is never enuff for an ed. stay strong and lov eur body!!

xx
617 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:30 am

Thanks for the advice!! Does anyone here go to a group therapy? I feel silly sitting there and feeling like I am by far the largest one present, but it seems to help (at least for the time I am there)
618 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:50 am

SHay0 nah i dont go to group therapy, but i see a couneller occasionaly and i used to see a nutrionist too but i dnt need one anymore haha.
honestly shay i bet ur are not big at all! u just feel it! so anyways are u at ur ideal weight? how do u feel energy wise and that? u had bulimia too u sed? how long for?

xx
619 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 10:29 am

I see a counselor usually once a week, and just started group therapy. I need to find a nutritionsit there just is not one down here. I am at about a size 7-9 in juniors and I was in a 2 so I feel that I am huge!!! As far as energy goes I feel ok, just wehn I try and to my 4 mile run or 12 mile bike ride I get really tired really fast not just physically but mentally as well. As far as bulimia I have done that on and off for quite a few years.
620 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 10:34 am

Shay- aww coool. gosh a 4 mile run and 12 mile bike ride! that realy is so much, u shudltn strain urself. ur muscles will get damaged really! be careful, dnt push urself to do exercise. exercise is an anorexic thing, it can become obsessive. i used to make myself go to he gym all the time and walk everywhere. n one nite my heart was beating really slowly. its soo scary, it freaked me out, then i woke up and blaked out
i feel as though i just wanna look after my body now uno? an dfeed it, im done hurting it
do u work and stuff? what do u do?

xx
621 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 11:43 am

Yes its had become obsessive for me, I can barley do a 3 mile run like 3 times a week and I haven’t clocked the bike miles for awhile. I work as a prison guard and then I have a 2 year old son that keeps me pretty busy. How about u? do you work?
622 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Shay- dnt let it become obssesive:( aww ur son, im sure u wanna get better for him?
me im a student im 18, study psychology and biology:)
623 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 2:20 pm

That is cool! Yea my son is the main reason that I am trying to get better is for him. so do you still have days that are hard?
624 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 2:25 pm

shay- awww u can do it! just keep eating lots!
erm yeah most of my days are good, i mean today for dinner i had chinese fried rice, roast chicken and chickpea curry! a few month sago i wud never have had that!
but yeah im good usually, ana now and then but i wanna study psychology at uni and help others wth anorexia. i dnt think anyone in the world shud have it. its awful
625 Shay // Oct 1, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Yeah I agree with you it is awful!! Ok when you say eat lots, like how much is lots? I really don’t want to overdo it….
626 Aliyah // Oct 2, 2008 at 1:30 pm

Shayy- well anything from 2500 upwards calories. we need a lot of food.
im just watching a programme called 8 year od anorexic, it ssoo sad, i hatehow this disease can affect anyone so young.

stupid stupid voice!
627 Shay // Oct 3, 2008 at 12:23 pm

really that many calories? That sounds like so much!!! I already feel fat and bloated (u sure that goes away?) sorry this is just driving me insane!!!!!
628 Aliyah // Oct 3, 2008 at 1:55 pm

shay- oh yes belive me, the more u eat the better. undernourishment leads to a unhealthy mind. the more we eat the clearer we see, the more we see life. u wnt see fatness, u wnt see such a bloated tummy, anorexia makes everythin seem worse. see today i was thinkin how when i gewt anorexia, i eat and then i feel better, and thats cause my brains had food and can see properly. Besides ur body needs a lot of extra calories to repair all the damage and it works hard to correct it! be good yo ur body, its the only one u have remember
629 Shay // Oct 3, 2008 at 8:15 pm

how much is too much weight to gain? I mean I am almost at the top end of my weight class (and its only been 2 1/2 weeks!!!) thats a LOT of weight in such a short time, will that come off as water weight so I can gain more steadily instead of rapidly?
630 Megan // Oct 3, 2008 at 9:23 pm

Hi everyone!

Sorry I haven’t been on in a while. I’ve just been drenched in school work!! And have had no time 2 get on this . Shay, welcome to the site!! I am also new 2 this 2. I am currently recovering from annorexia. My annorexia all started with my weight loss. Belive it or not, I actually was obesse. I ended up loosing about 100 lbs or more! But than it just got to be an obsession and evantually lead me down the wrong road of annorexia. Exercising, measuring, counting, and weighing myself all became an obsession. Annorexia deffinitly is NOT nice! It damages us both mentally and physically. It tries to make us strive towards perfection even if it means hurting our bodies. If I may ask how did your annorexia start? I hope you are doing well! Keep strong!! We can beat this!! And Aliyah, I hope you are doing well! How are you these days? Hope to talk to you guys soon! xoxo
631 Aliyah // Oct 4, 2008 at 1:57 am

shay- how much r u eating just now? and yes if its only been about 2 and ahalf week, weeks teh water rentention will stop after a while. until ur body is used to food uve gotta stick at it im afraid. but no worries ok! if it helps ive put on more weight , i guess our bodies go thru phases.

megain- hey im great thanks! ive put on more weight, so im gettin close to my ideal weight now! yahh. ive starte duni, so im always busy and stuff. and im going out to dinner tonight:) good chance to try new foods how r u keeping? and yes what u sed is soo right, anorexia damagges our mind and body. it can lead to so many problems, infertility, osteoroporsis and coldness, tiredness. we cant enjoy life with ana, so we must get rid of it!

good luck eveyrone! keep eating (lotss)
x
632 Megan // Oct 4, 2008 at 9:08 am

Aliyah,

Glad 2 hear thet you are doing well! I however haven’t. I had 2 go 2 the doctors this week cause I have been sick with a kidney, and ear infection along with a bad cold and had 2 get weighed. It turned out I lost 6 and a half pounds within a month. Ekk!! I am sitting now @ 124. I honestly don’t know how I lost the weight though becuase I have been eating all my meals, and I am sure what I am eating is enough becuase I feel full after! I also have stopped exercising. Just when I thought my weight had come to steady I loose more. It feels like I am never going 2 get over this. Does any one else have this problem you loose weight for no reason without exercising?? I am just sooo confused!! And now I got this new voice in my head that’s always telling me “no you need to eat that,” or “no that isn’t enough food you just ate eat more of it!” It’s as if I am going from one extreme to the other. :S Does any one else get voices like that? Well, I guess the voices are good cause than maybe I will get over this. I just really hope I can stop loosing weight I have like no control over my body any more.
633 Shay // Oct 4, 2008 at 9:58 am

Thanks for the response! Sorry I am just freaked out abut gaining too much weight I go to my doctor next week and I keep thinking I need to lose weight so I won’t be self consious when I have to weight in with him.
Hey Megan! nice to meet ya! I also have that voice now about needing to eat more, and then the other voice of not eatting it and needing to exercise!!! I feel as if I am going to go crazy when I listen to either one of them!! HELP!!!!!!
634 Sara // Oct 4, 2008 at 10:48 am

hi, Megan!

Don’t be too discouraged, some *temporary* weight loss is normal when you are sick. Part of it is that having a fever or an infection makes your weight drop, and you may also be dehydrated. I had the same thing happen to me–a bad flu last year with a fever that lasted 4 days–and I dropped 6 pounds in a week. Fortunately, I gained it right back over the next two of weeks.

Rest up, eat well, and don’t worry! Just stick to your recovery plan and treat yourself extra well as your body heals.

I’m doing really well the last several weeks and so haven’t had anything to write about. Keep up the good work, everybody!
635 Aliyah // Oct 4, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Megan- aww im so sorry to hear about ur kidney and weight lostt. do not worry abput it, you know u say u have that voice tlling u to eat more , thats just you. thats the real u. ana wud not tell u to eat more and finish off ur food. just like sara sed stick at it, dont lose hope. anorexia means we have like two minds. one part tells us not to eat and the oter tells us too. the one that does is just us, its us fighting ana! just keep eating, dont worry about it

shay good luck with the doc! dont worry just keep eating. stick at it!
i went to a resturant topday and ate a hugeeee main course. it was this cheesy pasta , and the plate was oo big but i ate it all! i culdnt stop once i started. we need food!!!!!
healthy and happy everyone!
x
636 Shay // Oct 4, 2008 at 5:30 pm

Ok does anyone have those days where all you crave is sweet things? its driving me nuts!!! I have a seriously pot belly going here and I feel disgusting! I keep trying to start counting calories again and sneaking in workouts to lose this extra weight that I have put on!
637 Megan // Oct 4, 2008 at 8:53 pm

Hi everyone,

Thanks 4 the support Sara & Alyiha. You guys are great and I don’t know what I would do without u!! I think I have been pretty sick like all month I haven’t been feeling like myself @ all! I sit in class and can’t concentrate cause I get dizzy all of a sudden than I start 2 feel like I am going 2 pass out. Does any 1 ever feel like this?? The doctor said it is probably cause I am just sick. I hope that all it is! And I am gonna try and teach my body 2 NOT loose any more weight. Ppl keep on telling me I look good, and not 2 go any lower cause I am really skinny. And sometimes I can’t even lie on my side because of my hip bones protruding. Shay, I totally get what you mean about craving sweet foods!!! I am the same! I am glad 2 know that someone else is having this problem 2. But I am eating it as soon as I crave it! My bad habbit is I will bake than can’t stop myself!! Uggg. But surprisingly I haven’t been gaining the weight by eating all the sweet foods. Have you?
638 Aliyah // Oct 5, 2008 at 2:16 am

Megan- ur so sweeet. listen, you know u need to put on weight, all u need to do is accept that ur body is gna change and then eat! and enjoy it, have whatever u want, and however much u want.just make sure u r eating a lot of food regulary, makin aur eu have 3 meals and lots of snacks. no diet stff . and also try havin like high calorie drinks like milkshakes just to give u an xtra help.
wishing u all the best!

im havin a little bad ana moment, cause i ate so muc at the dinner last nite, i wok eup and i felt all fat and gross, but ino its just ana. like the stupid thought in my head is ive gained so much weight, but ino i havent. i hate this stupid voice and no way am i gna listen to it. i just had a nice big brekkie cereal bar, banana, yoghurt grapes and coffee.

healthy n happpy !
639 Megan // Oct 5, 2008 at 8:08 am

Alyiha,

Thanks again!! You are so great I honestly don’t know how I would cope with this if I didn’t have u and others on this site because my parents are constantly at me and my doctor is 2. It just makes things worse!! They really don’t understand. But I just guess they are concerend. I have a question though.. is it normal for your weight to flucuate in a short amount of time?? Because one day I will be 124 than the next I will go up like 3 or 4 pounds. Ahh! It’s sooo sooo confusing!! Is this normal?? I just can’t seem 2 regulate! !
640 Aliyah // Oct 5, 2008 at 9:36 am

megan- dont worry my parents still get wary and it bugs me but its because they truely care sooo much and love us, and just want us to get better be lucky u have that love and support megan. and yes its totally normal for w8 to flunctuate! gosh even on a normal person it flunctuates up to 7 pounds a day! it just depends on the food and water and stuff. dnt even worry about it. mines does ino it does, were all on the same boat here!
when u weight urself or ur doc it sud be roughly the same time each time, to get a slighly more accurate reading but dnt worry abou tit like i sed. as long as u dnt weigh urself too much and worry urself over nothing. recovery is not just about weight regain but about feeling good and feeling energetic and alive!

healthyand happy!
641 Shay // Oct 5, 2008 at 10:23 am

Megan, I feel that I have gained weight from it but I am not sure I haven’t been able to weight for like 3 weeks and I am scarred to death of what the scale will say. I still feel bloated and gross!!! I have a question does anyone elses body just feel sore for no reason? not like a after a workout sore, just when you touch it it hurts? is that normal? I went for a run yesterday and everything hurts today…..
642 Aliyah // Oct 5, 2008 at 3:06 pm

shay- hey my body used to get sore , its just cause its soo fragile. and after a workopit ur body will have been strained wayyy too much. you shouldnt do anything streneous really.
and dont worry aboout the number on a scale. scales r for fish! ur worth way more than a number!
643 Shay // Oct 5, 2008 at 6:04 pm

thanks! does anyone do any type of exercises? I did really good today and was counting calories and had only like 300 and then I gave in an had a slice of pizza!!! Now I feel that I have blown the whole day and need to get up extra early and run!!!
644 confused // Oct 6, 2008 at 11:26 am

shay- can i just ask you a question….do you honestly want to get better and be free of this horrible illness? cause if you do you should really be eating more calories and if u do feel you’ve over eaten then you shouldnt be thinking of exercising as the way foward is to be eating and REGAINING !! i think u should try and wean yourself off all the exercising to be honest it’ll be hard but it’ll make u happier and healthier in the long run!
645 Shay // Oct 6, 2008 at 11:29 am

Dear confused, yes part of me wants to be free, but there is a small part that really liked the way that I looked and the way that I felt in control of my life. I am just battling back and forth and I am not really sure which side is winning.
646 Aliyah // Oct 6, 2008 at 11:23 pm

shay- i agree with confused you need to stop exercising and realise u are not fat at all.ive put on about a stone since recoivery, and ino im nt fat yet!
yes ur mind may be split between 2, but uno which one to choose shay. u dont want all the side effcts and danges of ana, and u wanna be a gd positive example for ur son. you need to get over it, u need to accept we regain is going to happen, and that ur body will change. but embrace it! u only have one life!
647 Shay // Oct 7, 2008 at 8:55 pm

ok silly question what is a stone? I weighed in today and have gained nearly 25 lbs in nearly 2 months? is that too much?
648 struggling!!! // Oct 9, 2008 at 4:45 pm

Hi everyone i havent wrote for a while.. the main reason bein that when i logged onto this website the advice i was given really motivated me to want 2 get better. i started eating more not enough as i should but so much more compared 2 my usual. Thn suddenly this week the whole cycle started again i felt fat, restricted, lost w8, felt happy/proud, and now i feel sooo miserable and low because i have no energy. I cant cope with this anymore its draining me and i really cant c a way out, everytime i feel im goin to beat this dam fing it always seems 2 cum rite back and beat me instead!!! i so badly want 2 get better i just don’t no how. Is this normal wen tryin 2 recover?
i’d just like 2 say well done 2 everyone who’s apart of this website u r all so strong, u all are really amazing…keep going and stay strong…well done=-)
xxx
649 Aliyah // Oct 9, 2008 at 11:29 pm

strugling-yeah its completly part of recovery! every sinlge on of us, goes thru good patches, and then bad ones. its just naorexia, trying to make u feel bad and bring u back into ur old ways. what u cannot ever do is restrict, thats going back to ana. ino its so hard and it seems easier to listent o the voice but thats the route to death
eat more, eat well, and everytime ana comes into ur mind, eat! it pisses her off, n u have to show her ur stronger.
not only that, if i go way back in time, my posts used to be just like urs, i used to go thru stages, and i stopped restricting, and realised i can win, cause i voice cannot control us!
just stick at it, be extra strong and eat more!
it mite help after eating sumthing to do sumthing like have a bath, reada book or watcha movie or sumthing to take ur mind off it
xx
650 Shay // Oct 10, 2008 at 9:15 am

Struggling– I have the same feelings as you do, I want to get better and do well for a week or two, then it seems to come back even stronger. I have tried taking the advice from this website and it has really helped (I still struggle with it at times) but it has made it a little easier.
651 struggling!!! // Oct 10, 2008 at 5:15 pm

Aliyah you really do give great advice and make me feelthat u really understand what i am saying which makes me feel so much better thankyou! what you say is also what i try to tell my self, that eventually if i carry on this WILL kill me. for a while this really hits home and makes me change my ways because realisically i do NOT want 2 die even if at times i feel that would be for the best! I feel horrible even saying that coz i no i should appreciate life and the body i have especially as there are so many people out there that have illnesses they are born with etc…and can do nothing about, but i still find this so hard 2 do.
After saying this however i have found 1 thing that’s helping me eat and that is going to uni which i started on monday. That’s because i see this as a fresh start n i don’t want my new friends 2 no me for having anorexia i want them 2 no me for me, plus i cant be BOTHERED with the whole routine of..’oh i ate a big lunch earlier’..lies…lies..lies!!, im fed up with all that! so today i managed 2 go 2 the canteen and have a small jacket potatoe it felt so strange, yet good to be eating out with friends for once, although i couldn’t stop trying to work out how many calories i’d consumed!
shay- thanks for your comment 2, im so glad im not alone, but i think it really is about time we kicked anas arse woo haha!! it isn’t going to be easy but realistically it’s not exactly easy or enjoyable when you feel dizzy or that ur going to faint due to starvation!!…healthy and happy has got 2 be the best feeling ever and we can do it.. we all can stay strong every1 =-)
xxx
652 Megan // Oct 10, 2008 at 9:48 pm

Hi Everyone!
How are you all doing?? I’ve been doing well but this week I have just been feeling like I’ve been eating soo much! I have even sometimes stopped counting calories. But I guess that is a good thing in order 2 recover!! I am trying. I’m just sooo scared 2 read the scale because I feel like I am putting on soo much weight. And 2 make things worse this weekend is thanksgiving. I just feel like I’m gonna end up gaining 5 more pounds because of it all. But I am trying 2 not focus on the weight and the numbers. We are all more than just numbers, and we need 2 eat in order 2 survive. Annorexia restricts us from those things. I’m gonna still try my best 2 eat just like I have been doing hoping I won’t gain a bunch of weight!!
653 Aliyahhhh // Oct 11, 2008 at 2:34 am

struggling- YAHHHHHHHHHH well done on the baled potatoe!! YUM. and yes ur postiive attitude will help so much uno! YOU CAN DO IT, you know u can, prove it to urself. always be true to urself, get urself out of this mess, ino its so hard sumtime, but always make sure no matter hw u feel u always eat lots, it really doe shelp, its taken me ages to realise that!
uni woweee, what u gna study? n yes it does help! i started uni 3 weeks ago, n i like socialising with ppl, n stuff, u can have n ed in unim, it will ruin the experience. use it as a new motivation n new start. start afresh by eating lots, u need to eat a lot to keep up enegy in uni for studying n stuff. but yahh well done!!!
gd luck for starttttingg good times, new start new life withtou ana ok?
healthy n happy
xxx
654 Aliyahhhh // Oct 11, 2008 at 2:39 am

struggling- btw in uni, take stuf with u to snack on like banans, crisps, sweets nuts or watever, its hard to get set times to eat so u shud always have sumting wit u, in case ana strikes u hard.

megan- im good thanks, im eating lots too , though i used to have the same thoughts as u, like if i keep eatinglike this, im gna get so fat n gain tons of weigt, n belive me its false!
ana will prolly make it seem what ur eating more than it actually is. enjoy it, u wnt gain a ton of weigt, tats a proven ana thought! enjoy thanksgiving, u deserve all the treats and ana wants to spoil it for u, dnt let her!!
ana- slow suicide!!
healthy n happy yes?

xxx
655 Megan // Oct 11, 2008 at 8:56 am

Alyiaha,
Thanks again. I honestly don’t know what I would do without u or this site!! I love Thanksgiving and Annorexia is NOT gonna ruin it for me! I have a question.. does any one find that their weight is always the lowest on the weekend (Saturday for me) than goes up again during the week? I know Alyiha said that ur weight is always flucuating. But when will it stop?? Because I am eating , and don’t really exercise like I used 2. And when my weight does go up than I freak out and will restrict again. But when it is low I also freak out. It is just a balancing act!! Grrr!! :@ Does anyone know how 2 maintain weight???
656 Aliyah // Oct 11, 2008 at 10:34 am

megan- ur weight will always flunctuatre, a normal persons does about 5 pounds a day or sumthinh. its all water weight though, its not real weight! and the way to make it maintain more is to not weigh urself to much n eat well, let ur body fully trust u agen, wen it does it will even out . mines did the exact same as urs , it does stop. promise. i bet mines flunctuates a lot during the week, but i dnt weigh myself, it helps to not weigh urself in a way,it means u wnt restrict, n u shuldnt cause it wnt solve anything
hw often do u weigh urself?

xxxxhealthy n hhhhhhhhaaaaaapyyyxxx
657 Megan // Oct 11, 2008 at 9:28 pm

Aliyah,

Well, that’s the thing. I still can’t go a day without getting up and weighing myself. Ahh it is such a bad bad habbit!! I know! And I am trying 2 get over the fact that I AM more than just a number. But the scale is just something that is so tempting and it comes 2 a daily routine as me I can’t live without it. But today I ate a really big dinner @ my grandparents and didn’t even bother with the voice! But when I got home I did 100 sit ups because I felt all awkard and weird thinking about what I did. I also keep on measuring out my food like when I go 2 make a sandwich I will measure the peanut butter and jelly. It is sooo stupid because normal people DO NOT do this! I just really wish that it would go away. But I do know I am much better than I was, which is good! I just have my good days , and my bad. But I guess everyone does right?
658 Aliyah // Oct 12, 2008 at 1:40 am

megan- aww hun, ino how u feel. its so frustrating isnt it. i used to be like that, weighing myself everyday and weighing out food portions. but uno im no tlike that now, no, when i make stuff i put in as much as i want! and i dont weigh myself, and guess what? im not fat! andd food tastes better and i feel more freee!
u shud try limit ur weigh ins, make it once every two days, then 3 then 4 and so on. ull see it gets easier. and about food, dnt make it urself if ur gna restrict or buy stuff like sandwiches made from shops so ana cant make u lessen te portions. megan, please get past this bit, cause life is soo much better without weighin our portions and havin weigh ins everyday!!

im sittin just now, avin pancakes with my cofee. do i feel bad? no, cause im not gna let a voice make me feel bad!
healthyyy n haaaaaapyy
659 Megan // Oct 12, 2008 at 9:32 am

Aliyah,

Wow it sounds like you are doing sooo well with ur Annorexia. Good job!! You are a really patient, and confident person. I am sure it took u such a long time did it? Well, I am not as bad with my food measuring and restricting, like last year was the worst! My parents would get sooo mad @ me 4 measuring out my cereal and other things. It is silly when u think about it really! But I am gonna stay strong and ignore the voices. I don’t want 2 live the rest of my life as an annorexic. I just want 2 feel normal again and get my life back straight. I know I can and I will!! Thanks again for the inspiration u mean so much 2 me. xoxo
660 Aliyah // Oct 12, 2008 at 10:37 am

megan-aww ur so sweet. yeah i mean it took me a while to get to the stage im at. for about half a year i measures out food, and weighed myself all the time. after a while i just got sick it uno. and ur paremts only got mad cause they love u so much
lets face it megan, were all underweight and we need to gain, our weight and lives bak!
keep up ur positive attitude, u will beat it listen to ur body not to ana, cause ana doesnt love u. anorexia is slow suicide always remember.
stay strong!!

xxx
661 Shannon // Oct 12, 2008 at 8:08 pm

Hi everyone!

Wow, it has been along time since I’ve posted! My last post was at the end of May, and since then my life has drastically changed! In the beginning of June I started a partial hospitalization program for my eating disorder. I would go to a clinic everyday during the week from 7am-6pm. I would eat all my meals/snacks there and also have many therapy sessions. In the beginning I was completely hopeless and thought recovery from anorexia was impossible. But I’m here to say it definitely IS possible! I stayed in the fulltime program for 8 weeks. While I was restoring weight I had to eat 4000 calories a day, and do absolutely NO activity (I even had to be dropped off at the door)! After 8 weeks of being in the program I decided to go to half days because I was close to my healthy weight range and I was so much happier, I wanted my life back. Its been exactly 8 weeks since I’ve been out of the program (so a total of 4 months), and I have gained 50 lbs, and the best part about it is, I feel wonderful. I went into the program at 80 lbs, tired, cold, depressed, obsessed with food and exercise, wornout, and apathetic to life in general…and I came out at a healthy 130 lbs, happy, energetic, 20 year old girl. Recovery was definitely hard, and it took awhile for things to “click” and get the ana thoughts out of my head, but I had wonderful support and I was so determined to beat that stupid disease I never gave up. It was a fight, but I won. I am so much happier now and can enjoy life so much more because its not consumed by food. Even though I quit posting on here, I visited everyday and appreciate all the positive messages because they helped to keep me going. Recovery IS possible and we can all beat this because life is so so so so much better without ana! Don’t give up, and you WILL win!
662 Megan // Oct 12, 2008 at 10:55 pm

Aliyah,
Thanks again for the inspiration. I am starting 2 come 2 terms more and more now with annorexia because I notice now that I AM getting 2 skinny and if I keep on following this road I’m on than I’ll come 2 a dead end and there will be no way back agian. I think of annorexia almost like a road we didn’t mean 2 follow. But I am just sooo worried about going bulmic now. Because I am eating in binges. it’s like uncontroled sometimes! And sometimes I will gain weight, sometimes I won’t. But like u said everyones weight flacuates. So I just have 2 remember that. And I still feel cold, off and on even if I do eat. But does anyone else find they eat in binges 2? And I find I always look 4 the sweet foods sooo bad!
663 Megan // Oct 12, 2008 at 11:15 pm

Shannon,

Good job on your recovery girl! Just always remember that annorexia is more less just a voice. And in time, a voice can turn to a whisper and evantually a whisper will dissapear. I am still trying 2 recover. It all takes time. But we just gotta Think positive!!! WE CAN BEAT THIS! best wishes xoxo megan
664 Aliyah // Oct 12, 2008 at 11:33 pm

megan- ”bingeing” is part of recovery, u need a lot of calories. look at shannon, she had 4000 everyday! u only get this urges cause ur bodies been starved for so long, u will not become bulimic, cause when ur body gets to its normal weight it will stop! i used to get them a lot, not so much now, but sumtimes i do the fact ur cold means ur body is still way too undernourished. my coldness went away as i ate more, its a gd feeling megan. stay strong!

shannon- wow!! im sooooooooooooooooooo happy for you! thats wonderful news! well done, im really proud! its soo good, you came out happy and strong, and now u can live ur life without ana!!
if u dont mind me asking, do u still get the voice sumtimes, or is it gone? welll done agen :d thts the best news ive heard in ages

xx
665 Megan // Oct 13, 2008 at 8:57 am

Aliyah,
Thanks again for the encouragement! It is just really confusing 4 me right now because I feel like I am going from one extreme 2 the other. Like I will get this new voice that forces me 2 eat it will be like “eat! eat more! eat! eat! eat!” and sometimes I end up eating sooo much that I either feel sick, or just really full and bloated. That is y I wonder if it is bulima? :S does any 1 else have this problem? As for the weighing myself everyday, I am gonna try 2 maybe go 2 once a week and evantually just down 2 once a month! I hope it works!!
666 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:06 am

megan-yeh please do try weighing urself les, weigin urself every day is not an accurate number belive me!
No bulimia will be wen u purposely eat loads n then throw it up, or taje laxatives. i had bulimia for ages, its horrendous, so please dnt ever let urself get into it. what ur experiencing is normal thru recovery, we have the real us tellin us to eat ( which is the one to listen to) then stinky old ana, who wants us dead!
but just eat eat eat! it solves everything, the more ur body and brain becomes nourished the more clearer u will see, and better u will feel belive me.
i know for a fact, eating food is the best thhing ever, we need to eat loads, dnt wory when u eat too much , ur body needs it sooo much. ur not gna get fat, thats a proven FALSE ana thought. u need to eat more, n ur metablism will get faster.

eating only has benefits, healthy and happy!
p.s. dont u think healthier people look better than sick looking gaunt, anorexics?

xx
667 Megan // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:28 am

Aliyah,
wow u sure have been through allot with ur eating! It is really hard 4 me 2 because I actually believe it or not used 2 be obese. So I guess I have had 2 eating disorders! That is y I am sooo scared that when I start eating again I will go back 2 being the old fat me. But I am beginning and starting 2 come 2 terms with myself that “no it’s not possible 2 gain like 100 pounds back”. My doctors were really happy I lost the weight and I am 2! But a part of me wants 2 keep going and apart of me wants 2 stop and gain the weight I should be at.
668 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:51 am

megan- aww ino, uve been thru a lot too, u deserve a nice normal attitude and relationship with food dont u think!
and ino ana is gna make u think, ur gna get really fat but ur not, ive been recovering for a year and ive put on like a stone or sumthing, its not gna be rapid fast weight i promise.
and ur doc is there to help u keep it controlled, u need to eat a lot o regain ur weight to a healthy level, ten u can eat a normal amount.
i guess we have to learn to love and eat food properly, and not throw ut up, or spit it out, or binge, but for now, we can eat as much as we like, so do it one step at a time.
u r not, n will not be fat! ull be free and healthy and so much happier. ull have energy an du wnt feel cold. youll make ur family n friends happy, and best of all ull truely be happy! the worlds a nicer place without ana!

xx
669 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:54 am

megan- te part of u that wnats to keep going is ana, i had it too, n i still get ana sumtimes, but ino ses rong, and i ALWAYS ignore her, its my body, if i want to eat i will, and i will have whatever and however much i want, its our right! we know our bodies, better than ana, and we know it needs food to function properly
stay strong meg! dt give in to the horrible voice

p.s. im jus gouing to have my dinner now, and i sure as hell am gna eat loads and now let ana get me!

xx
670 Shannon // Oct 13, 2008 at 10:05 am

Hey girls! Thanks for the encouragement and support!

Megan-I know exactly how you feel. I was once obese also so I was so afraid of going back to being fat. But the reality is that it won’t happen. I’ve been eating tons of food and I am now right in the middle of my healthy weight range, and I really like my body. Its nice to have curves and boobs and look like a girl! I know what you mean about binges too. I did, and still sometimes do binge on foods. When I was in treatment they told me that anorexics do that because they have starved their bodies for so long that once they do start eating again, their body gets “greedy” and wants to get as much food as possible in a short amount of time because it doesn’t know how long it will be until you feed it next. The most important thing is to NOT purge or use laxatives after you binge because that will throw your body off even more and it definitely won’t know what you’re doing to it. But since I’ve been eating consistantly my urges to binge have gotten less and less because my body is finally realizing that I’m not going to starve it anymore. So don’t worry about your binges, it’s a completely normal part of recovery.

You also need to quit weighing yourself! Once I quit doing that eating got so much easier because I wasn’t worried about what number would pop up on the scale.

Aliyah-I’m so glad to see that you’re doing so well! Keep up the good work, you are such an encouraging voice! As for your question, I do occasionally still have ana thoughts like when I go shopping and realize that I can no longer wear teeny tiny sizes (that no one should wear anyway), but the thoughts are very rare. I have eaten all of my fear foods and nothing freaks me out anymore.

If you guys have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask! I’m so thankful that I had such good support to recover, now I want to help everyone with an eating disorder because no one should have to suffer through this stupid disease!
671 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 10:25 am

shannon- aww im so glad to hear! wow yeah i bet life is so much better now?
do u eat less now than 4000 cals? do u even think about food alot, or is it just normal, and u dnt think about it?
xx
672 Shay // Oct 13, 2008 at 10:48 am

Shannon congrats on the recovery! That is so awesome and its really good to hear that it is possible to beat this. I have been cleared to go back to exercising again for about a half hour 5 days a week. i was so excited to hear that but now I am starting to feel that the half hour isn’t enough and I need to do more and eat less because it is not as much exercise as I was used to. Any suggestions?
673 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:10 am

shayy- nooo dont do anymore exercise than 30 mins! ur body is still fragile and u cant ever go back, and listen to ana. get over the voice, and get past it

you know u can, losing w8 doesnt solve anything ever, ur beautiful as u are love ur body as it is. dnt force it to be anything else

x
674 Shay // Oct 13, 2008 at 3:56 pm

Is 30 minutes enough? I am so afraid of what people will think if they see my and I have gained weight. I know that I should not care what people think of me, but it really bothers me and now its getting cold and I have to run on the treadmill and it does not seem that it burns enough calories.
675 Shannon // Oct 13, 2008 at 4:39 pm

Aliyah-Since I’ve gotten better I have completely stopped counting calories!! I have no desire to look at labels or weigh/measure anything. I don’t feel the need to know how many calories is in things…I just eat them! Its so amazing!! But I know I don’t eat 4000 calories anymore. I would guess I eat somewhere around 2000-2500 a day to maintain my weight. Somedays I’m sure I eat more than that and somedays I probably eat a little less but I just eat what I want, when I want…no restricting!!!

Shay-30 minutes 5 days a week is plenty of exercise! I’ve been released to exercise also, and my goal is to do 30 minutes 3 times a week. Sometimes I don’t even feel like doing that though, so I don’t. But I know what you mean when you say you feel like you should do more. Its tempting to push yourself once you’re working out to do “just a little more” but we all know that a little more turns into a lot more and everything spirals downhill. When I first started working out again I made sure I had a partner so that I couldn’t overdo things. Its really important to set limits for yourself and stick those limits!

I was also afraid of what people would say to me since I’ve gained weight. But the only things I’ve heard have been positive things. People only tell me how good and healthy I look now. And when I tell people that I’ve gained 50 lbs in the last 4 months, no one believes me! I’ve met a lot of new people in college that didn’t know me when I was really thin, and none of them can believe I’ve gained that much weight because I look “normal/thin” now. The weight you put on doesn’t make people say “oh she’s gained weight!” it just makes you look healthier and more energetic.
676 Shay // Oct 13, 2008 at 5:39 pm

What kind of exercises do you do? I am just really worried about gaining too much weight. I have to weight in at my doctors office on thursday and I am afraid that I will be way too fat and am afraid of what he will say. I have gained like 30 pounds in like 2 and a half months. I know that sounds like I am being an idiot but is that normal? I hate going to group and feeling as if I am a way too big and should not be there around such skinny and pretty girls.
677 Shannon // Oct 13, 2008 at 6:06 pm

Hey Shay! It is completely normal to gain that weight in that amount of time. When I first started recovery the weight gain was pretty slow but then it was like all of the sudden I started gaining and gaining, and at first it did freak me out because I didn’t know when it was going to stop. But it did stop! Don’t be nervous about your doctor appointment, he won’t tell you you’re fat because you’re not! Its all in your head. I know how you feel about going to support group and feeling like the biggest one there…I feel like that sometimes too. But I have to realize that I felt like that when I went into treatment at 80 lbs…I felt like I was the biggest person there and that the other girls would look at me and wonder why I was even there. But now I see that I was really thin and I did need to be there and that those thoughts were just irrational. Its really important you keep good support people around you. I met a lot of new friends at college and I’ve told quite a few of them about my eating disorder, and have even found a few that also had eating disorders. I find that the more people I tell, the better I do. Because once people know they are nothing but supportive and can help to keep an eye on you and give you some words of encouragement when you’re feeling down or silly (like when you think you’re fat). As for exerise, I haven’t gone back to the gym because I think that it would be too easy for me to fall into the overexercising routine again. So when I do exercise I usually go for a bike ride or roller blading, and sometimes I just go for a walk with my mom or a friend…nothing too intense. I do situps also, because as we all know the weight intially goes to the stomach. But really, those ana thoughts are all in your head. Keep fighting to block them out, and they WILL eventually go away
678 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:29 pm

shay- agree with shannon. dont worry about exercise, just do the 30 mins ur allowed andno maore. u dnt wanna reverse all the hard work u done do u! and ino u mite feel fat or whatever but ur not, and dnt compare urself to others, ur body is unique and you shud let it be its natural self!

shannon- wow im so glad to hear that. its really good news, i bet ur so glad u did it!
did u make lots of friends in there?
xx
679 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:32 pm

oh and i just wanted to say that im going thru such a gd patch just now! the tighter my clothes get the happier i feel, i just want to be normal and healthy. even in uni, i look at all the students doing their own things, nt worryin about food. i want to be like that, so its a big motivation
healthy n hhappppy

x
680 Shannon // Oct 14, 2008 at 3:53 am

Aliyah-Yes I’ve made quite a few friends…some better than others! Some of the girls you could tell did not want to be in treatment, or get better and would cut corners all the time (like hiding food in their napkins) or purging/exercising when they went home. But the close friends I’ve made and I get together about once a week and go out to dinner *hehe* together! Its a lot of fun…we don’t even talk about our eating disorders anymore, we’re just normal friends. I agree with you, going to college and seeing everyone be “normal” is such a motivation. The girls are normal and healthy looking and they just go about their lives, not worrying about food. I’m proud of your progress! You’ve come such a long way…keep up the good work!!
681 Megan // Oct 14, 2008 at 1:30 pm

Ailyah,
Thanks again for the encoragement. Well, good news! Last night I had Thanksgiving dinner and I ate loads!! And my daily morning rutine didn’t even happen this morning! It was becoming such an addiction and I knew that I had 2 get over it. I still really want 2 know that number but am telling myself “no!” Tryng 2 stay strong!! Because u r right I am more than just a number. I do feel like I’ve gained weight though. My stomch feels all gross and bloated. But am hoping it is just water weight! I really don’t want 2 know the number on the scale so am trying 2 stay away from it the best way I can!

Shannon,
It’s sooo good 2 know someone else that was also obese. It’s like living in 2 different worlds isn’t it? That’s what started my annorexia , I had a fear of regaining all my weight back so I slowly started 2 starve myself and restrict my food. I remember all last year my friends would laugh at me because all I ever ate were carrotts becasue I thought I wouldn’t get fat and it was a “safe” food. But now I am past that! I am eating sandwichs and not the super diet thin ones, and other great things 2. Some days I struggle but we all do! We have good days, and our bad ones. I know binging is all part of recovery but I have been binging on all sweet foods like baking, and chocolate. It’s so bad! When anyone else binges do they eat sweet foods 2? It seems like I am just always craving sweet things!!
682 Aliyah // Oct 14, 2008 at 1:37 pm

megan- well done!! im soo proud of u!! ur body needs it al, hun ur still very underw8 and need loads of food, dnt feel guilt, cause its ur right to eat! its gna give u energy and life!!

u wnt have gained! dnt worry, and itll be water weight, everyone gains water weight after a big meal!.

and i crave sweet things too, like crisps and choccie, just eat them dnt deprive ur poor body no more !
keep tellin urself ana is slow suicide! ur not alone, keep fightin, be stronger than the voice. im sooooo proud of u!!! well done onur meal, and breaking ur routine!!

keep it up! dnt restrict now cause uhad a big meal, listen to ur body!

xx
683 Shannon // Oct 14, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Megan-Awesome job on eating that meal! You deserve it, we all do! It is completely weird going from obese to anorexic because it seems like all my life I’ve always had the diet mentality since I was overweight and then to get that flip-flopped and being told to eat a lot of food seems totally backwards to me! I was also so afraid to go back to being overweight. It seemed like when I was obese and started losing weight I never really stayed at a “healthy” range very long, I just went from being fat to way too thin, so I had never experienced a healthy, normal body weight before. At first the weight gain was really scary because I didn’t know when it was ever going to stop, but trust me, it does! Intially, my weight got up to about 140 lbs but since I’ve been eating normally (listening to my body), I’ve dropped back down to about 130, which is perfect for my height. Your body will find a weight that it likes and you’ll even off there. Are you having your period? I quit having my period and still haven’t got it back even though I’m at a healthy weight, so that just goes to show that my body still isn’t quite right, and that ana is evil!

Now onto the binges! When I binge its always on sweet things (like chocolate, icecream and candy) or carbs (like bread, pasta and chips). When I was in treatment they told me that we binge on those types of things for 2 reasons.
The first reason is simple, those foods taste the best!!!!
The second reason is that since our bodies have been so starved, it makes us crave calorie-dense (stuff that has a lot of calories in a small amount)foods.
Its just your bodies way of telling you that you need food!!!!!

Dang, sorry I write so much girls! Keep up the good work!
684 confused // Oct 15, 2008 at 7:31 am

hi guys

megan-i too love to binge on home made baking and sweet things, it’s all part of the recovery and we just need to eat the things we are craving to regain the weight we lost so much and to get better and to live a happy healthy life!!

everyone else you are all doing soooo well im so proud and i always love reading all the posts on this site it helps me alot when im having a bad day it makes me realise that the only way out of this horrible mess is just to eat and be happy happy happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

keep on going girls we’re all doing amazing wahoo xxxxxxxx
685 Megan // Oct 15, 2008 at 4:47 pm

Shannon,

Wow we sound sooo much alike!! Lol. It’s really confusing isn’t it? Being told that u are overweight @ one point, than be told that u are underweight. Everyone is so shocked @ how much weight they are, and are trying 2 encorage me 2 stop loosing so much weight and just mainitn it. I am supposed 2 be about 140 and am down 2 124 – 129. I hate how it jumps around so much!! All I really want 2 do is just 2 tone my body because I feel all flabby and fat. Do u have toning problems 2? Unfourantly yes I have lost my period. I haven’t gotten it in months!! Why is that?? I really hope it comes back. And I wish I had boobs 2! Lol. My doctor said that protein like milk apperantly helps with that. I am 18 but look more like I am 14 lol. And it doesnt help how short I am either!! How old are you? And how long have u had annorexia for?
PS.. I don’t mind long writes I write long stuff 2 as u see! lol
686 Shannon // Oct 15, 2008 at 5:57 pm

Hey Megan! We don’t get our periods because we don’t have enough body fat. Women need a certain amount of fat to have their period…when we don’t have enough fat our body knows that there is no way we could have a successful pregnancy, so we no longer have our period to prevent getting pregnant. I know what you mean about feeling flabby! I feel that way too but honestly a lot of it is in our heads. I have been trying to do some light weight training to tone my body rather than cardio (because that will just shed the pounds…which is what we don’t want). Protein is definitely good for building muscle so make sure to get enough of that! And yes, milk is awesome for you! When I was in the eating disorder treatment we had to drink milk at every meal…and I still drink quite a bit of milk at home. Its really good for you so drink up!

I’m 20 years old. What about you? Also, where are you from? I live in Illinois.

Last October is when I began my diet (weight watchers), and I followed that until December and lost a healthy amount of weight. But then at the beginning of January is when I started restricting and joined the gym and would go for hours everyday of the week. I went into treatment in June, so fortunatly I only struggled with my eating disorder for about 6 months!

People told me when I was doing weight watcher’s that I was looking really good and that I didn’t need to lose anymore weight but of course I didn’t listen because I still saw myself as overweight. But anorexia is like a game to see how restrictive you can be, to see how low you can get that number on the scale, to see how hard you can push yourself to workout…but its a very very dangerous game that no one should play! Not weighing myself was such a hard thing to do in the beginning because that was part of my morning ritual, but I am so happy I no longer do that! If it would help you to stay away from the scale ask your parents to hide it….that’s what mine did. Do you have good support? My family is really supportive and so are all my friends…its such a help to have those positive people around!
687 Shadow // Oct 16, 2008 at 7:55 pm

Hey,

I’m 18 and have struggled with anorexia for over 4 years. Just this past year I had briefly gained weight then anorexia quickly took over again. I went of to college for my first year, this past september, and have been seriously struggling with my eating disorder. I am 5’7 and 100lbs.

I am still doing well in school, but i have definately noticed that my body is really messed up. I will eat a maximum of 150 calories a day…so i dont eat at all during the day then might have a piece of toast and jam for dinner. I’m exhausted, frozen, and feeling really ill.

A month and a half ago i noticed that i was starting into a bad relapse and booked myself into an outpatient eating disorder clinic. I just got a call for an appointment, but i am at the point now where i dont even want help. Yea i feel like i was hit by a truck a few times…but i feel so much security in my frailty… I’m so at a loss as to how to do this. Anyone get what I’m saying??
688 Aliyah // Oct 17, 2008 at 2:05 pm

hey welcome to the site!
ino how u feel i have had anorexia and bulimia for 6 years and now im so much better off . im healthier, and happuer more energy and i love life!!
ino how u feel, tired and ill and u just want the voice to go aeway. anorexia is slow suicide, u must start to get help and start getting better. u need to get out of it, ur not alone.. u may feel like u dnt need help, but going to an outpatient is great, just do it. u want ur life bak, where u feel freee and u can eat what u want when u want! tht is ur human right! dnt let a stupid voice hold u bak. not only that anorexia kills, it really does, why wud u want to die? u have no reason to.
does ur family/friends know?in college u need to work hard and focus, anorexia will hold u bak. im in uni now, and ino if i had anorexia as bad i used to i wud not cope at all!! but hey i wanna be successful and have money when im older so i got better. im nearly there, the voice is gettin less the more eat and the more i feel happier, weights comin bak on, and uno what? im not fat! far from it, and ur very very far from it.
start enjoyin food ! its the best thing ever

healthy and happy
x
689 struggling!!! // Oct 17, 2008 at 5:17 pm

hey evry1!!! Aliyah wt u say is so true and everytime u send me a post it really inspires me and makes me even more determind 2 carry on and beat this! i haven’t ate any where near what i should be eating at the most a few small meals in the day like- toast (no butter) sandwhich and things like that but i no that by thinking about what i’m eating means ana is still getting the better of me. what i find hard is when i begin to eat more, more regularly i feel like i am going to put on soo much weight and i think people are staring at me and thinking how much weight i have gained and that’s where the restricting comes in again.
im at uni studying sport development and i nooo i need to be really healthy to do a course like this, yet at the same time it scares me to think about gaining weight coz i hate the thought of being the fat girl doing sport =-s. I totally agree with u tho uni should be something i use to motivate me in my recovery and i reaaallyyy am goin 2 try.
Anyways enough about me lol hows you?? hope ur ok u seem to be doing soooo welll…well done!!! what are you studying at uni? are u enjoying it??
xxxx
690 Megan // Oct 17, 2008 at 8:17 pm

shannon,
Hi again. Well, this week I have been doing pretty good. And I actually haven’t weighed myself @ all! Although it is driving me nuts just 2 see the number on the scale. But I am trying 2 stay strong and keep telling myself “no it’s just a number”. It is EXTREMELY hard 2 go from obesse, to annorexic. I am like u 2 I only suffered annorexia for about 6 months maybe more it is more less on and off 4 me. But I don’t look extremely skinny, I look @ other girls and sometimes compare my bodies 2 them. It is soo bad 2 do! And it is a bad habbit. I was also like you I did the weight watchers diet. I was obsessed!! I only ate their bread and refused 2 eat regular bread. But I am over that! I now eat regular bread and it tastes soo good now!! You are right annorexia is a game we play. We do anything just 2 see how skinny we can get, or how low of a number we can get down 2. It’s crazy. But we HAVE 2 stay strong!! Oh, I am 18 btw and I live in Canada. do you have facebook or MSN by a chance? ttyl bye! xoxo ♥Megan
691 Aliyah // Oct 18, 2008 at 1:03 am

strulling- awww ur sweeet! but really ino how ufeel, i still feel like people r staring at me, and that im gn aget fat if i eat ceertain things.the difference is, i can ignore it and just eat now.it takes time,but u realllllly have to push urself. recovery is a long hard process. the last thing u want is, to be struggling in uni and feeling tired and ill. u need to be fighting fit! specially if ur doing sports. u shud make up a meal plan or sumthing and truely follow it. and add butter! it maks everything taste better!!
as for me im studying psychology with biology. i wanna study the mind and helps others wih eds when im older. idnt wanna make the post too long but struggling really u r not gna get fat, belive me! i always thought that, here i am, a year later nearly in recovery and im not fat! so r u defo not!!!
a healthy body always looks better
692 Aliyah // Oct 18, 2008 at 1:08 am

oh sorry guys i wanna say i got my period back! wellits the first one in ages so my body must be fucntioning right.
and a great tip for recovery, dnt spent it alone., be around people, eat with people. belive me it hels u eat more

megan-well done on not weighin urself, dnt give in. i used to compare my bodies too alll the time, but its so fickle. remmebe rur body is unique and urs, u have ur own distinct shape and size and u shud love it. i like my body now,l more than i did when i was at my lowest! ana is a decietful lyin voice never give in to it

xx
693 Megan // Oct 18, 2008 at 8:13 am

Aliyah,
Wow u r sooo lucky girl 2 finally have ur period back. I still haven’t gotten mine in ages! You must feel like a girl again! Hehe. Sometimes I get bad cramps and think it is comming back but unfourtantly it never does! I know I really have 2 start loving my body and stop obsessing about every little bad thing about myself becuase like they say “Nobodies perfect!” But perfection is an obsession that everyone of us strives 4 unfourantly. You are right eating around ppl helps! I notice that @ lunch when I am with my friends I tend 2 eat more. Same with dinner with my family. And the voices have pretty much stopped 2! But now i get these annoying voices that yell @ me 2 eat more, or eat this or that. It seems as if I am going from not eating 2 eating maybe 2 much?? Do u or anyone else get these voices 2?

question… i know this might be worthless asking but does anyone ever get lightheaded, dizzy, have an inability 2 concentrate, feeling as if ur gonna pass out, or shaky/off balance? I have been feeling like this 4 months now and it hits @ different times of the day and it’s really NOT pleasent. I am eating though so I dont think its that. I am just really worried about what it may be?? :S It could just be stressed because I have hard classes. Idk I just hope it isn’t something like an anxiety attack. I just wondered if these were part of annorexia??
694 Aliyah // Oct 18, 2008 at 10:33 am

megan- i used to feel lightheaded, couldnt concentrate and felt shaky and off balance all the time. its lack of food thats causing it. mines wetn away once i ate ALOT more.
hun theres only one way to get out of thiss mess, u have to regain ur life back, show urself u can get to a healthy stage.
thjat voice u here tellin u to eat more, is you. you truely want to get better . and thats means eating a lot.megan for an anorexic there is no ‘ thats too much food’. u need a hell of a lot of food, cause u have to make up for all thefood u deprived u body.

yeah ino we al strivr for perfection, but the thing is, we dnt need to! we shud just be us, go thru life enjoying it rther than worryin about if we did everything perfect uno. im startin to break free from my perfectionism, and lifes better i assure you.

healthy and happy x
695 Shannon // Oct 18, 2008 at 11:07 am

Megan-Yay! I’m so glad you haven’t weighed yourself! I know its really tough to stay away from the scale in the beginning but it gets easier and pretty soon you won’t have any desire to get on the scale because you know it doesn’t mean anything. I was obsessed with the weight watcher thing too…but just like you, I’m way over that now and so much happier! I do have facebook. You can search for me as “Shannon Reid” let me know if you can’t find me. Sometimes I compare myself to other girls too, but then I just tell myself that I’m my own person. I agree with you guys, it helps so much to eat around other people! When I first started that inpatient program I couldn’t eat by myself but now I do all the time and its no problem! Sometimes I get that voice in my head to eat a lot or eat fattening things but instead of ingnoring it, I just do it, because the more I ignore it the louder it gets. But when I what I’m really craving then it goes away and all is well. You won’t gain too much, I promise! Have you ever had your blood sugar checked? You might want to have that checked out for the shakiness and stuff. Let me know what you find out! Keep up the good work!

Aliyah-Congrats on getting your period back girl! That is WONDERFUL news!! You are treating your body so well and its finally realized you won’t starve it anymore. I’m so happy for you!!! Keep up the good work, you’re such an encouragement!
696 Megan // Oct 18, 2008 at 9:13 pm

Aliyah,
Thanks again. I guess that new voice I hear is just really me comming back again. So I guess that should be good right!? If u don’t mind me asking.. how much do u weigh? Because I weigh 124 and am 5’2 and according 2 my BMI I am in the healthy range but my doctor seems 2 think I should still weigh 14o. So my parents and everone else r constintly @ me 2 eat more. Ugg I hate it sometimes!! But I know I am getting better. For instance today, my family and I went out 2 dinner 2 a buffet and I had 2 big plate fulls of food and enjoyed it all! I’m really shocked at myself and can’t believe it! :O but I guess I deserved it!! If this was me a couple months ago, I would of probably been working up a sweat worrying about how much weight I would of gained. Annorexia is sooo unrealistic! It makes us picture ourselves becoming obesse just over night. When u think about it, annorexia makes urself feel stupid because u think unrealistic things!

Shannon,

Well, I actually felt the need 2 weigh myself today. But the weekend is always a good time 2 weigh myself because 4 some reason I am @ my lightest. But during the week my weight will flucuate. Do u find that 2? But I am promising myself only 1 weigh in a week. Than, evantually hopefully just every few weeks til evantualy a month. Well, I have had my blood sugar checked. I get it done every year or couple of months by the doctors because diabaties runs in my family. But my blood sugars are always normal! So, Idk whats happening. :S I just hope it goes away soon!! Do u get this 2 ever?? And thats great u have facebook! I will have 2 add u soon! ttyl bye!
697 Aliyah // Oct 19, 2008 at 1:32 am

megan- well done on ur buffett!!! wowweee way to go you eh!!!!!listent o ur doctor, im sure he has a valid and profeesional reason
as for my weight, well i dunnt know what it is in poiunds, im not far from my ideal weight thouhg. im rally short, so my ideal weight is not high if uno what i mean.ino ana is soo unrealistic, it gives u such stupid false thoughts and the thing is the are ALWAYS wrong no matter what. r u at uni or anything meg?

shannon- yeh everyones weight flunctuates! its normal, its supposed to. it flunctuates according to food and water, its not real weight so dnt fret!
698 Aliyah // Oct 21, 2008 at 7:38 am

heys guys how is everyone?
im just posting to say how ALIVE i feel. i have a social life again, and i can concentrate at uni! everything in life si going so good now, and its all cause i stoped listenin to ana.
belive me guys, just eat loads of food! ino its the hardest thing ever, but its sooo worth it, just eat well and see all the amazing changes in ur life!!

life is for living not for starving!

xx
699 Tracie // Oct 24, 2008 at 2:33 pm

Hello Everyone,
My name is Tracie,and i am 39 yrs old,and suffer with Anorexia.
I have been in recovery for 4 yrs,but have had it all my life.
Isn’t it amazing what WE see in the mirror.
I wear a size 16 in girls,and it is very hard to gain weight when you go under 100lbs.
I have been Hospitalized 1 time and i refuse to go back or relapse.(Better word useage)

The facility i was in put me on 3800 calories a day.My body would not gain weight because i starved myself for so long.
I am very open and honest with my eating -Disorder.
A great book to buy to help all of you out is (Life without ED).
It will help you when your struggling,but most of all WE can all relate.

If you want to ask me any questions feel free.
I currently weigh maybe 102lbs,but my lowest weight was 93lbs.

It took me 6 weeks in a hospital to gain 9 lbs before they would let me go home.

All i can say is take it one bite at a time.
I am also a vegitarian,cause i am allergic to protein.That certainly does not help.

But i refuse to give up.I have a beautiful daughter ,and a wonderful husband,but now they know what to look for in my sickness.

Take care all of you,and like i said you can ask me anything.

Tracie
700 Megan // Oct 24, 2008 at 9:03 pm

Tracie,
Hi! Welcome 2 the site. I am kinda new on here 2. Lol. I am curenntly recovering from Annorexia. I am 18 yrs old and it all started last year. I was never ever skinny in my life, I was actually obesse. And my annorexia started through my mission 2 loose weight. Well, I lost it but apperantly I lost 2 much. And Annorexia seemed 2 get the best of me. I started measuring out my food, over exercising, and sometimes starving myself even though I felt “stronger” by doing this. I am trying 2 get healthy, and regain my life back without having 2 measure my food and weigh my self constintly, but it’s really hard! We all have our good days and our bad though! But we HAVE 2 stay STRONG!!! Through my annorexia experience I made up a quote that has helped me somewhat here it goes… “Nothing lasts forever, a voice can evantually lead to a whisper, and in time that whisper can dissapear” Everything takes time, but evantually we will see the light! But we need 2 regain our lives back keep staying postitve we are all here 2 support each other and guide us through this dark tunnel we are in!!
701 Tracie // Oct 24, 2008 at 11:08 pm

Hi Meaagn,
Thank u for ur kind words,and the quote is aewsome.I wrote it down just so i don,t 4 get it.
I would have 2 say my Anorexia started when i had my daughter.My biggest weight was 180lbs.
It was something i just could not live with.

I started working all the time just 2 loose weight,and then just eventually cut out food.
I guess in my mind i would take a bite of something,and i thought (I’M GOOD FOR THE ENTIRE DAY).
I remember talking on the phone 2 my mom who lived a couple states away, and trying 2 eat a english muffin.It took me 2 hrs and i never finished it.
Thats probably when i new i needed help.
The Hosp. was not the best ,cause they put US in a mental ward!
I’m sorry,but WE may not eat,but were not crazy……
I remember the Drs. diagnosed me with an RBBB
(Right Bundle Branch Block)in the heart.
Thats when i asked them am i going 2 die?
They told me if i started 2 eat i could correct it.
So i did correct it.YIPPEE!!

I still have 2 be honest i struggle sometimes from day 2 day,and like most of us WE have our good days.
Sometimes i feel i have a split personality.
Or there is a war going on in my head.
Do u ever feel that way?or any of u?

I have never been in a sz 7 or 8 ever.
My biggest size was 16 in womens.
I was shocked when i saw a picture of myself.
That is when i put it up on my fridge,and said (I WILL NEVER LOOK THIS WAY AGAIN).
Boy did i go overboard!
But like u said WE actually felt better.

I never really noticed the weight drop off till my Ribs starting hitting my Hip bones when i bent over.
I do count calories,but i learned that in the Hosp.,and i have not been able 2 stop!
I still sometimes spit my food out before anyone notices in the bathroom,but now my Husband watches me more often.(I guess thats good).

I believe it is something i will always struggle with.I have never had a team of Drs. only at the Hosp.

So my therapy is crying in the shower.Or going almost into a trans to force myself 2 eat.

When i started eating again i started with baby food.Crazy huh!
Like u say WE all have our good days and bad!

Talk 2 me when ever u want ,and feel free 2 use my e-mail.
I believe the best therapy once again is talking about it.

I’m here 4 all of u.
Take care,
Your Friend,
Tracie
702 Tracie // Oct 24, 2008 at 11:15 pm

Hi girls,
Its Tracie again.
Please all of u feel free 2 use my e-mail if u want 2 talk.I am here for all of u.

Remeber (TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME OR IN OUR CASE ONE BITE AT A TIME)

Friends,
Tracie
703 Aliyah // Oct 25, 2008 at 1:44 am

tracie- hi! im so sorry to hear about ur struggles . gahh i hate naorexia. ive had it for about 6years and now, i have to say im the best ive ever been!! most of my days are always good, and its because i eat a lot. that is the cure, when u eat more, ur brain becomes nourishe sand healthy, and besides we all look better with sum curves! thats what wome are supposed to look like.
but honestly, i used to count calories obsessively, now its hardly ever, i just cant be bothered uno, and i say that to myself, when i feel like counting, i go why whats the point just eat it and enjoy it!

a mental ward? anorexia is a mental disorder, it doesnt mean ur crazy, its just because ur mind is not nearly functioning right.
i just got to a point where i eas so thin n weak and i was ruining my life. so now im in university, enjoying being a student, going out and havin fun an di have the concentration to be able to work and study! its great..

LIFE WITHOUT ANA IS SO MUCH BETTER. though im not at my ideal weight yet, i still have a wee bit to go, im close!!tracie keep fighting, dnt give in to the voice, ur not gna get fat, its guranteed! ana is all lies, she tells allof us on this site, and none of us are fat at all!!

u shud write a letter of hate to ana, like just lash out and it mite make u feel better.

be happy!! enjoy food!! its out basic need!

xoxo
704 Megan // Oct 25, 2008 at 9:37 am

Tracie,

Wow I am sooo sooo sorry 2 hear about ur tough struggle with annorexia. My annorexia never got 2 the point where I needed 2 go 2 the hospital. But my doctor would always wonder if I needed some type of therapy. I am proud 2 say that my annorexia is ALLOT better now. But the thing which I dont get is that according 2 my BMI my weight is fine! I am 5’2 and I weigh between 122-128. It flactuates ALL THE TIME!! Which drives me nuts. But, I am slowly started 2 step away from the scale and come 2 terms with myself that I am more than just a number. Because WE ARE MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER! (Alyiah told me that quote and it helps me allot!! I totally know what u mean with the whole 2 different worlds going in ur head. One minute I will eat a bunch of food and feel fat again, than the next annorexia will hit and I feel the need 2 suddenly resist. It’s sooo annoying. But we have 2 stop this! We NEED 2 STAY STRONG. Annorexia is a slow suicide and we need 2 listen carefully 2 our bodies signs like who wants 2 feel cold all the time?? It’s really unhealthy.
Aliyah,
u r really right writing a letter 2 annorexia is a great way 2 get ur feelings out and feel allot better!! I did this when I got diagnosed and it inspired me 2 change and get better. how are you doing anyways?
take care everyone and if u need support just ask 4 my email!
705 Aliyah // Oct 25, 2008 at 9:44 am

megan- hey love!! im doing amazing thanks!!! im going out soon to a gig, so excited i rememver when i had ana realy bad i wud never have the energy for this sorta stuff! but now thats over hehehe. how r u? keep fighting, ur not fat n u wnt be. its a lie ! ana is a slow suicide, everyday u gta fight, but uno its worth it

xx
706 Tracie // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:29 am

Hi Girls,
Thanks for all ur comments.
I remember a class i took @ the Hosp.
,and it helped me.
It was use ur left hand or the hand you do not write with,and write a letter to the little girl inside.
My little girl was starving.This is the letter i wrote to my Little girl(Inner child)
Dear Big Tracie,
Why don’t u feed me?
Big Tracie :I don’t know?
Little Tracie: I am hungry please feed me?
Big Tracie: iam so sorry i don’t mean to starve you.
Little Tracie:I need to grow i am crying inside, and so cold.please help me.
Big Tracie:I am so sorry for doing this too you.Please forgive me.
Little Tracie:I need food or iam going to die
will you please feed me?
Big Tracie:I will feed you.I promise!
Little Tracie :You swear youwill feed me?
Big Tracie :Yes i swear!
Little Tracie:Pinky Promise?
Big Tracie: Yes Sweetheart Pinky promise!!!!!!

This is the letter i refer too everytime i struggle.
Yes it has gotten me through some rough times.
Hopefully I don’t sound nuts to all of u?LOL

I am happy 2 say thi s am i ate breakfast:An Egg,and bisquits 1 1/2 w/gravy.
And about 5 cups of coffee.
I guess u can say i use coffee as a diaretic.(I’m sure i spelt that wrong).LOL
(Breakfast is the hardest meal 4 me 2 eat).

Thanks girls 4 all ur support.Today seems like it is going 2 be a good day.
Just being able 2 talk with all of u seems 2 be helping me out(Head wise).

Take care all of u,
Your Friend ,
Tracie
707 Tracie // Oct 25, 2008 at 6:33 pm

Hi Girls,
Okay guess what i am currently eating a avacado salad,and tomatoe soup w/crackers.
I know it sounds silly to tell u all this,but i find u all very inspirational.

Just thought i would share.LOL

Talk 2 u all soon,
Tracie
708 Megan // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:09 pm

Tracie,
Wow great job on the eating!! Keep up the great work I know u can beat annorexia. And btw what a great letter u wrote! I should show u mine but it is quite sad. :’( I wrote allot of poems and stuff during my struggle with my ED and I also do allot of writing in my spare time.
709 Tracie // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:24 pm

Megan,
Thanks for ur comments,but i cannot lie i find it hard to finish my plate.
Any advice on that one?
I ate majority of it ,but i get sooooooo full.

I actually feel extremely heavy this evening.
My head keeps saying (Damn u ate alot).

I hate that.
I would love 2 hear some of ur letters only if u are comfortable with it?

Take Care,

Tracie
710 Tracie // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:27 pm

Hey Megan,
Its Tracie again.
Would it be a good idea to keep a journal even though i’m not in clinic?

Just a thought.

Tracie
711 Megan // Oct 25, 2008 at 10:49 pm

Tracie,

Hi again! Aw I am sorry that u have such a hard time with eating a full meal. Sometimes I am like that 2. But remember ANNOREXIA IS JUST A VOICE!! It’s really not you! It’s just an evil sister who tried to be apart of you. I always say this because I think of annorexia as another sister but an evil one! Lol. But y dont u try little portions? Don’t take large portions because it will upset your stomach just gradually introduce new foods. I hope that works! I am not the best expert on annorexia becasue I just got it this year… I will deffintily share my writing with you! I have just been sooo busy but I have it somewhere so I will try 2 post it this weekend or next. Btw I am only really on this on the weekends due 2 the amount of school work I get. But I do have a break comming up soon yay!!! Lol. But just keep staying strong Tracie, I know u can do it!
712 Shannon // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:12 pm

Hey girls!!!!!

Tracie-Welcome to the site. I’ve read your posts and it seems like you’re definitely moving in the right direction! Beating anorexia is 110% possible! I think it would be a good idea for you to keep a journal, even if you’re the only one who ever sees it. When I was in inpatient treatment a lot of the girls found it really helpful to keep a journal and write down all their thoughts/feelings. I was one of the more outspoken ones so I didn’t find the journal very helpful (just because I’d rather talk about it), but I know that journaling can be a very positive thing. Something I did do for along time in treatment (and even for awhile after I got out) was write down everything I ate. I did this for a few reasons. The first reason was of course for the nutritionist at the eating disorder clinic. She would review it and make sure I was getting enough calories. But the other thing I wrote was all of my thoughts/feelings at the time about eating whatever I was eating. This was helpful for me because I could go back later and look at my food logs and see that at a time it felt like I was eating a lot, I actaully wasn’t. It made it easier for me to realize that my thoughts were irrational, because at the time when you’re sitting there with a plate full of food its hard to realize. So that’s just something that helped me. Is your family/friends supportive? My friends and family have been wonderful and I know have been a huge help in my recovery. I know what you mean about it being hard to gain weight. My lowest was 82 lbs and it took be ALONG time to get reach 100 (and I was eating 4000 calories a day)! But I’ve reached my target weight now and I feel better than ever. Keep up the good work! You can beat this!!!
713 Shannon // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:16 pm

Megan-How have you been doing girl? Did you ever find me on facebook?! I’m so proud of you and the progress you’ve made. Keep it up!

Aliyah-I’m SO SO SO happy to hear you’re doing well and feeling full of energy! I’m feeling the same way. I’m loving life right now and just enjoying being a normal college kid…not obsessed with food/weight/working out! Life is SOOOOOOO wonderful without ana!! Keep kickin her butt!!

Oh one more thing……..I LOVE HALLOWEEN CANDY!! hehehehe
714 Shannon // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:23 pm

Ok so I lied, I have a few more things I forgot to say! hehe sorry guys!

1. Going back and reading my old posts on this website (from before I went into treatment) really helps me realize how miserable I was when I was stuck in my eating disorder! I am NEVER going back to that!!

2. I saw some of my family members today that I haven’t seen for a few months and they couldn’t stop telling me how good I look. Even my little cousin, who knew I was having some health issues with weight and what not but not the whole extent of my eating disorder, gave me the biggest hug and told me how pretty I looked today. It made me feel really good to see my family not have to worry about me anymore. I really feel like I made them proud, and made myself proud.

Ok this time I’m really done posting for the night…maybe!
715 Megan // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:26 pm

Hi Shannon!

I am doing great thanks and am glad that u are doing well 2. I looked 4 u on facebook but there were many ppl who I found and didn’t know which 1 was u! Lol. :S But if u want u can add me my name is.. Megan Suggitt or just find my email perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com hope we can connect. Hehe. ttyl bye!
716 Shannon // Oct 25, 2008 at 11:30 pm

Hey Megan! I found ya. Yay! How do you like my picture? hahaha
717 Aliyah // Oct 26, 2008 at 2:56 am

hey girls!!

just to all of you, yous are all amazing, and wlel done on every single bite of food! its a step away frm ana!
shannon- stay n the right path dnt ever go bak!
tracie- well done on ur salad , ibet it was ded tasty?! enjoy it ok! u need it
none of uz are fat! im not fat! hell we need to all eat lots of food!

lets be free and enjoy life!

x
718 Tracie // Oct 26, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Hi Girls,
Its Tracie.Thanks for all ur advice ,and i will take it to heart.
As for my family,and friends.I have 3 sisters.
They actually thought i was doing all of this 4 attention.I get prejudged alot off of people.
They usually think i have a DRUG problem.OL

Heck i can’t even swallow pills(Tylenol).
That is why i tend to stay inside.

I have a job interview 2morrow.
I’m scared 2 see what they think when they look at me.Unfortunatly my husband doesn’t understand that part.
I normally end up getting drug tested.(Believe it or not)LOL
It does hurt.Just cause i am small doesn’t mean i am stupid!

Ya know whats funny its more of the religious crowd who judges me.
I’m pretty sure god said”Judge not yet ye be Judged).

Anyways had a good breakfast.
Egg/and fried potatoes w/toast.
With a crap load of coffee.
I just don’t know how to cut out coffee!
I refuse to let ANA get the bet of me,but its really hard when you have a small town pre-judge u.

May i ask where all of u live?
I live in Asotin WA.
Population 1100 people,and majority are children,which is awesome 4 halloween.

You all take care,and i will talk 2 u all later.

Your friend,
Tracie
xoxoxx
xooxox
719 Tracie // Oct 26, 2008 at 12:49 pm

Hey Girls,
Its me again.This is great therapy.Thank u all 4 listening.
I should have went a little further on my friends/family.

As for my sisters i don’t really talk 2 them at least not often.
My Mother-in-law i remember told me after when i had my daughter 10 yrs ago:
That i was getting fat.I wore a sz 16 in womens.
That is when i can truley say it all started 4 me.
As 4 friends i do not keep any just cause i do not trust them.I guess except u guys.LOL

I don’t mean to be a hermit,but its kind of embarrassing when i have 2 wear 2 pairs of jeans 2 stay warm or sweats under them or sweats/and sweatshirts in summertime.

I guess i am alot older than all of u,but i bet WE all look the same.(size wise)Just guessing.

May i ask when it all started 4 u?
What was ur choice of diet?(Starvation,vommitting,or exercise)
If iam getting 2 personel please just tell me.

I know how sensitive WE all can be to certain subjects.LOL

Talk 2 u all soon.
Friends,
Tracie
xoxoxoox
xooxoxox
720 Shannon // Oct 26, 2008 at 12:57 pm

Hey Tracie-I live in Peoria, IL. Its in the central part of the state…pretty boring! It all started for me with dieting. I became really restrictive on the things I would/would not eat and I started working out nonstop. I never purged or used laxatives, which is one thing I am thankful for! I would only eat a certain few things that I thought were “safe.” But now I’m over that and eat any and everything! Its hard for me to trust people too but I have found that the more people I tell about my eating disorder, the more support I get. My friends and family have been really helpful in my recovery but the first step was the hardest part for me. It took me along time to admit and say outloud that I had a problem and that I needed help, but once I spoke those words it all seemed to get easier. I know what you mean about having to wear layers…I am so much happier now that I’m not freezing all the time! I kind of forgot what it felt like to be hot hehe. Does your husband or kids know about your eating disorder? How old are your kids? I’m 20, but when I was in treatment there were a couple of moms in with me that I got really close to. Good job on your breakfast! Take it one meal at a time!
721 Aliyah // Oct 26, 2008 at 1:41 pm

tracie- it all started for me when i was 12years old, i got bulimia, tried to lose weight, got anorexia, recoered myself, but it didnt work, so i got bulimia, agen thenanorexia, then i got close to death an dnow im better!
its really good to talk about everything and get it off ur chest, recovery is about realsing who u really are, the non anorexic:)
the real you! stay strong eat well xx
722 Tracie // Oct 26, 2008 at 3:31 pm

Thanks girls,
My husband is supportive most of the time,and i only have 1 daughter.She is my Angel baby.(even though she’s 10).
I feel bad 4 my husband (Rob& Gabriella)
cause i know he does not have control over what i put in my mouth.He definitly notices when i’ve lost weight,and he will let me know.(sometimes it really P’s me off)But i know he is looking out for me!My daughter is amazing.When i was in hospital they were allowed to come visit when-ever they could,cause i was out of state.
I lived in Nevada,and went to Ca. for recovery.
I remember when they came 2 visit one time,and my daughter said 2 me “Mommy u can have my baby blanket 2 keep u safe at night”.
My heart broke,and from that point on i told myself”you will never relapse again”.

She was so strong,and beautiful.Yet very MAD at me for doing this 2 myself.

I told her she has every right 2 be mad and i let her yell at me ,and tell me how she felt.
I held her and hugged her ,then i had to let her leave with her daddy.We had group that night and all i could do was cry.From then on i new that what i was doing 2 myself was not only affecting me,but my Family as well.

She is my WORLD ,and I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!That alone is enough 4 me to live.
She is spoiled rotten i’m not going 2 lie.
Her bedroom is all in Hannah Montanna with a beautiful canopy of glowing butterflys above her bed.
I guess you could say i live life for my husband,and daughter.If i did not have them honestly i’m not 2 sure where i would be with Ana in my life.

My childhood was not good nor do i remember it,and i don’t think i want 2.

My focus is on the immediate future.

Thanks 4 listening AGAIN!LOL

Tracie
xoxxo
xoxoxoxo
723 Edgar // Oct 27, 2008 at 2:19 pm

Hi – I’m a 17 year old boy and I’ve had anorexia for the past four years. I see and feel the damage I’ve done to myself every day and it’s hard to deal with.
I don’t live at home anymore and I have to pay for my groceries, my money doesn’t go far, but because I buy wholesome, mainly organic food, I must consequently eat less. I have a pact to feed myself healthy foods, if I need to eat, then I will only eat something that can benefit my body.

the downside of this is that I find myself consistently buying little other than fruit, nuts, cereal, yoghurt, bread and dried fruit because the reality is, no matter how much I delude myself, I think I’m afraid of what would happen if i ate normally. I know I still have a problem, my whole family knows and knew but my parents never did anything or got me help, most likely because i’m a boy and they figured it wasn’t so serious. I still don’t understand how I was 90lbs at 5’8 and they still didn’t say anything.
724 Tracie // Oct 27, 2008 at 2:56 pm

Hi Edgar,
my name is Tracie ,and i can totally relate to you.
I am a strict vegitarian.I am allergic to all protien,and can only eat mainly fruits,veggies,and cheese.

May i ask Edgar how much u currently weigh?
Also where u live at?
I have noticed that there is alot of men out there who struggle w/Anorexia.
I think it is great that u are on here with us,and i welcome u.
I am (i think )the oldest on here.39 yrs old and have had Ana for 10 yrs.
I struggle from day to day just to finish a plate of food,but i refuse to let it get the best of me.

Please feel free to talk 2 me whenever u want,and the girls on this site are wonderful w/great advice.
How do u feel about Tortillas?
I make myself eat a egg/cheese burrito almost daily.

Read through my posts,and u will see what can happen 2 ur body when u don’t even realize it.
Do u have anyone u can confide in?
If not u can use me .(vent ,get PO’d,and yell at Ana).
The girls have taught me to talk as much as u can about her.(Ana)

I’m here 4 u.

Tracie
725 Aliyah // Oct 27, 2008 at 4:10 pm

edgar- i feel for you. i know exactly how u feel. ive been there, but uno what, u can get out. ino its so hard to eat other foods, but i did it one step at a time, its scary and yes u feel fat and gross, but after a while u realise, hey im not fat and im not going to get fat!
if you eat well, and eat a variety, ull feel better, ull have more energy and life will b ebetter.
maybe ur family are in denial, or they just dont know how to help, do u think u cud to and see a doctor, who cud help?
uno anorexia is slow suicide, your gna give urself a lot of risks, by not eating well. ur body needs food, that the only body u have, u shud not deprive it.
stay strong, and try to eat as much as u can, try sumthing different, even just a tiny amount. recovery is about discoveringurself, and the real you. dont let anorexia hold u bak.

xx
726 Tracie // Oct 29, 2008 at 7:34 pm

Hey Girls & Edgar,
Just wanted 2 check in with everyone,and see how ur week is going?
Mine is going pretty good.I have eaten all week so that is definitly a good thing.
Edgar i hope u are feeling a little better.I hope u come back 2 talk to us ,and let us know how ur doing.
Girls hows school going?I hope not to much homework.LOL
Do you all have plans for halloween?BOO…
Me i will be trick or treating with my daughter.
We will definitly score some candy!
Chocolate is my favorite..OOOOHHHHH BABY!!!

Talk 2 u all soon.

Tracie
727 Shannon // Oct 29, 2008 at 9:11 pm

Hey guys! Just dropping in to say hi and see how you’re all doing. My week is going really well, school has been keeping me super busy though! I’m so happy that I’ve gotten over my anorexia because I know there’s no way I would have been able to go through school if I were still stuck in my eating disorder! Now I’m healthy and strong and can function properly! I’m going to a Halloween party with some friends. What are you guys’ plans?

On a side note, when I was stuck in my eating disorder I can remember my mom telling me about my cousin’s birthday party that was coming up. For the whole week before the party I restricted big time and worked out nonstop because I was so freaked out about going to the party and having to eat cake/ice cream. Then I tried to think of every excuse possible as to why I couldn’t go. I look back on that and think how silly that was and how obsessed with my weight I was. I let something that should be fun (a little kid’s birthday party) ruin my entire week. How stupid right?! Tomorrow is another cousin’s birthday party and I’m excited about going and seeing my family because I know they’ll all be so proud of me because I’ve been able to kick anorexia’s booty! I’m not at all worried about the cake and ice cream and am actually excited for it! It feels so good to be able to just enjoy life again!

Edgar-I know its a lot tougher on guys because eating disorders are typically thought to be “a girl thing,” but they’re definitely not! I was in treatment with a 17 year old guy, just like you, and he was going through the exact same things all the girls were. Do you have a job or go to school? Also, do you have any roommates or live alone? Its really good and healthy that you eat all the organic stuff and fruits and veggies, but its ok to have other things too. You shouldn’t be worried about having all “good” things, all the time. There are no bad foods. Everything is perfectly acceptable and part of a healthy lifestyle in moderation.

I hope everyone has a good halloween and eats some candy! I know I will! hehehe
728 Edgar // Oct 29, 2008 at 10:27 pm

hey, thanks for your concerns, a little support goes a long way.

i live alone, making it much easier to indulge in my eating disorder i suppose – eating with others is much more enjoyable i’m learning, but it is possible at lunch or if i go out to dinner with friends, which I now do. I try, I walk in to the shop with the intent to buy something substantial and walk out with a bag of seeds and there’s no one around to press me about it. i don’t trust myself entirely to actually take care of my body, i feel my relationship with food has become so mangled and distorted that i can’t tell whats normal and healthy for me at all.

i’ve always been weird with food – i rejected most foods for years after being weaned, I remember having to go to the school kitchen at lunch and asking for bread and butter for years because i didn’t want the cooked food. i’d go through phases of eating the same things, i’ve always always been that way so i don’t know how it can suddenly change for me. I don’t know what to do about any of it, really.

hope you’re all doing well and are taking care.
729 Edgar // Oct 29, 2008 at 10:32 pm

oh, I think I’m around 112 lbs, tracie and i’m about 5’9 these days
730 Tracie // Oct 30, 2008 at 8:44 am

Hi Edgar,
Thats a great start on kicking Eds butt.(Eating Disorder).
Just remember don’t give in to that little voice inside ur head.That is one of my biggest problems.
Also i can relate 2 being alone.Even though iam married and have a 10 yr. old,they go 2 school and work,then i am alone,and that is hard 4 me.
Being that i starve myself it (ED) can really mess with ur head.
I try to think of the eating schedual i was on at the hospital,and i try to stay to that schedual.
Last night i ate a chefs salad 4 dinner it did feel good,but my hardest is breakfast.
I’m getting there.Edgar ya know how u say its easier to eat in front of people or friends!
My thing is i don’t want anyone to see me eat.
I’m getting use to eating in front of my family,but i perfer not to go out 2 eat.I feel as though people are staring at me.(I know sounds stupid)I refuse to relapse,and its not going 2 happen.

Take care,
We are all here 4 u.

Tracie
731 Megan // Oct 30, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Hi everyone!

I know long time no tlk. I have just been soooo busy with school work it’s crazy! And I have had no time @ all 2 get on here any more. But anyways.. how is everyone doing? Eating and staying healthy I hope!! It’s Halloween tmr yay!! Make sure u guys eat candy!! Yummy! I know that I will be! And I am also baking these really kool finger cookies tonight for a party at school tommorow. Any plans guys? Dressing up? I’m being a devil and just handing out candy. It’ll be fun though. Hope u all have a great Happy Halloween!!! xoxo stay strong!!

Edgar,
Welcome 2 our group! it’s a great warm place 2 be. And if u ever want to talk I have MSN, Email, and facebook. Just ask! Ok? Same goes with everyone else! xoxo
732 Tracie // Oct 30, 2008 at 4:55 pm

Hi Megan ,
It s tracie.
Just wondering if i could get ur e-mail just so i can keep in touch.
Have a great time at ur party.

I’m going trick or treating,and scoring some chocolate.
My weakness,but i love it.
Have fun and be safe.

Tracie
733 Megan // Oct 31, 2008 at 10:11 pm

hey everyone!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! hope u all got 2 enjoy some yummy treats well I sure did! And I didn’t let annorexia get in the way of spoiling my halloween! How was everyones night? Hope u had a good time what ever you did! I just wished there were some good halloween movies on or at least the simpsons halloween special… o well maybe this weekend! Lol

Tracie and others,
my email is: perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com
email whenever u like! i also have facebook and MSN but my MSN is a different address i will give it 2 u if u email me.
take care everyone xoxo!!!♥
734 Tracie // Oct 31, 2008 at 10:56 pm

Hi Megan,
Happy Halloween!!!!
My night was awesome,and ANA was not even thought of.
It felt great to go out 2 dinner,and eat a Greek Salad.It felt great,and filling too.LOL
Enjoyed alot of candy,and my daughter loved Trick or treating.
Left at 6:00,and didn’t get home till almost 9:00pm.
It was awesome.
How about everyone else?
Edgar how ya doin?
Girls i hope u all had a great night?I thought of all of u.
Talk to you soon.
Megan thanks for the e-mail,and i already sent u one.

Take care everyone!
Talk to you all very soon…
Tracie
xooxox
xoxoxox

MY GOAL (ANA WILL BE HISTORY)…..
735 Aliyah // Nov 1, 2008 at 4:03 pm

hery guys! happy late haloween!!
what did everyone do?
i went out to my student union and had soo much 2 drink and then the next day (2day) ive ate SO MUCH an di even had a greasy burger and chis for dinner.

no ana!! forget about her, none of us need her in our lives tellin us were fat or worthless or whatever cause were not!! were all ill and to get better we have to get to a healthy weight then we can function properly. its th eonly way!!

xx
736 Tracie // Nov 1, 2008 at 4:48 pm

Hi Aliyah,
I love ur name.So u had a blast awesome.
So did i and still paying for it.LOL
I ate so much,and enjoyed it as well.Yippee.

Don’t forget clocks go back tonight.
Hey question do you mind if i call u Ali for short?
Its ok to say no alright.

Talk to you later.
Bye Girls talk to u all soon,and Edgar i hope u had a great halloween.

Friends,
Tracie
737 Shadow // Nov 1, 2008 at 5:32 pm

Hey,

Thanks Aliyah for the comment. No my family doesnt know about my relapse…and to be honest, im ok with them not knowing. How are things going with everyone?
Well, the reason i am writing is because i am seriously freaking out… In my last post i stated that i dont eat anymore than 150 calories a day…well today i totally messed up. Over the coures of the day i ate about 500 calories…and im scared. I’m scared im going to get fat. I feel so angry and so out of control. I took a few pills for it…but im seriously thinking about my laxatives. I’m sick of all of this!
I went to my assessment at the clinic and the nurse there told me that she was putting me on her “high risk” list. She is urging me to go to an inpatient program in Ottawa because she feels that the program there wont help me. But I’m not that sick :S I’m not severely underweight. She wants me to quit my studies and go :S. I’m scared….seriously scared. I doubt i am going to go to the inpatient care because that would require me to pay back my loan and miss my year and pay back a couple of scholarships And i dont have the money for that :S.

I’m so tired of this….someone help?

Shadow
738 Tracie // Nov 1, 2008 at 6:02 pm

Hi Shadow,
I can totally relate to what u are saying.
I kept Ana from my entire family till they saw me when i visited them,and got off the plane,and passed out cold with my 2 yr old in my arms.
Sweetie i don’t want to scare u ,but ur Dr. or Nurse can 5150 u if u do not go in willingly.

That means they can keep u there under a program where u are on 24 hr watch.
That is exactly what happened 2 me.
I wish i could give u a hug right now.
I did exactly what u did,but did not even eat 150 cals a day.
I know its scary,but honey u have no idea what is going on with ur internal organs.
All i can say is because of Ana i cannot have anymore children,and that kills me.

I went to Sutter Hosp. in Ca.It seemed like for an eternity,but it was for 6 weeks.
Shadow you are worth it.Every bite,smile,and Heart beat.
Please don’t give up.
I’m here for you!!!!

Friends,
Tracie
xoxoox
oxoxox
739 Tracie // Nov 1, 2008 at 6:34 pm

Hey Shadow,
Its Tracie again.I just wanted to say that 500 is a great start.YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
Just take it one step at a time or in our case one bite at a time.
I’m not going to lie its hard,but u need to realize u are worth every bite,and ur not going to get fat.
May i ask how tall u are?Maybe how much u think u weigh?
I am very honest,and i am embarressed about my weight.
I think i weigh on a good day 102-105Lbs,and my problem is 3 digit #’s.
I am 39 yrs old,and i witnessed a 48 yr old in group/Hosp. w/me and she had a feeding tube in her nose. I’ll never forget it cause she was missing her daughters wedding.(that would kill me alone)
I cannot stress to u enough the damage that is being done to ur body.
I don’t make myself purge.I would starve myself,and the problems i now have has ruined my life.
My kidneys are bad,I have PKU(born with it),
Mood swings,Violent outrages(not recently).
Headaches beyond belief,and i take 60 pills to stay alive.
Believe me Sweetie its not worth it.
I am here for u.Talk 2 me when ever about what ever.
I know it gets old,and honestly 2day is probably a good day 4 me,but i struggle way 2 much.
I have not Kicked Anas butt yet,but i will be damned if she taking my life away……

If u have time look up Karen Carpenter on google,and see what happened 2 her.
She fought her whole life withAna,and when she thought she had her Over powered at 115lbs,
it was to late for the damage she already did 2 her body.
Just take some time 2 think okay.
Take care,Friends,
Tracie
xoxoox
oxoxox
PLease realize u are worth it.
740 Megan // Nov 1, 2008 at 11:39 pm

Shadow,

Annorexia is an evil villan that likes 2 take control of our head. It will tell us anything in order 2 get benifits 4 its self yet in the mean time, it is truly killing us! It’s just a voice. And a voice can so eaisly be turned to a whisper, and in time that whisper can dissapear. Everything takes time before it can get better. You have 2 stay strong though!! You can fight this!! We all can! You just need 2 keep yourself motivated constintly. Have you tried writing a letter to annorexia before? I did this and it really helped. It helped me see me and what I was really doing 2 myself. Annorexia just makes us feel cold, sick, irrtable, and misserable. Who wants 2 feel like this 4 the rest of our lives? I know I don’t! Try taking it through little steps at a time. When u eat your dinner lets say, just introduce a little more food than u usually would. Try this 4 over a week I know it is hard but trust me this helped me recover, than at the end of the week you wouldn’t of even gained a pound! This is what I did. Every week I introduced a little more food into my diet and 1, I felt better 2, I realized that by eating the “bad” foods I didn’t gain weight! I still have my bad days and good days but thats ok because NOBODY IS PERFECT!! Have u or any other ppl read the book “nobodys perfect”? It’s a book with eating disorder stories by girls. It helped me 2. But shadow, my doctor 2 wanted 2 send me 2 an eating disorder place so u just have 2 show her that u have the strength 2 get better. Think about ur friends and ur family u would be leaving behind. That is what motivated me 2 stay out of there. I didn’t want 2 leave them! And I was really scared like u 2! So see your friends/family as your mentors. Even ur doctor even though we hate them @ times. They are just trying 2 help us get better because if we don’t it will be 2 late and I’m afraid that once those doors close theres no way in ever comming back. You have your whole life ahead of u. Your young, beautiful, devoted, and strong. I know you and everyone else here can beat this. Your going 2 find yourself. It just takes time. if u want to email, MSN, or facebook just ask ok? I am always here 2 tlk if u need me.

Megan xoxoxo
741 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:54 am

Hi Shadow,
I know exactly how you feel. Over this past summer I started nursing school and was taking 1 summer class. I also had to begin inpatient treatment for my eating disorder. The therapy team obviously wanted me to drop my class and just focus on getting better but my school is really important to me so I was determined to do both, and I did…but it wasn’t easy, and that was only 1 class! I was in treatment all summer and then the team talked with my parents and I and tried to convince me to take a semester off so I could stay in treatment. I knew I didn’t want to do that, so I was SO motivated and determined to do well on my own. But in reality there is never going to be a “good” time to go into treatment. There’s always going to be something else going on in your life and some excuse you can make up as to why you can’t go right now. But you’ve got to realize that if you don’t put your health first then all of your efforts to stay in school and do well won’t even matter because you could wind up seriously damaging your body. It really is important to put yourself first, school can wait, your health cannot. I am so much happier and can do so much better in school this semester since I’ve gotten over my anorexia. I’m so thankful that I did decide to go to treatment because it helped me remember that there is SO much more to life than food and weight! I also forgot what it was like to have a “normal” meal and when I would eat a little more than I had planned I would freak out and think that I was going to gain weight even though I was still eating way too little. What I did when I first started treatment was write down everything I ate and how I felt when I ate it (like if I thought I ate too much, or if I was still hungry after I ate or if I felt fat…whatever), and then I would go back a few days later and read over it and see how silly I was being. I would have had the smallest bit of food to eat and I would write that I felt like such a pig because I ate “so much” when in reality it was hardly nothing. Doing that helped me see that ana was just taking over my head and making me be completely irrational.

Megan-Hey girl! I’m glad you had a good Halloween. I saw your pictures on facebook, you made a smokin hot devil!

Tracie-Yay! I’m glad you enjoyed your Halloween and your candy…I did too! If someone told me 6 months ago that I’d be chowing down on Halloween candy I would have thought they were crazy! But I enjoyed every bit of it, with no ana thoughts at all!

If anyone would like chat I have facebook (search under Shannon Reid) and my email address is shanni0121@yahoo.com

Keep up the good work everyone! We are all worth it!!!!
742 Megan // Nov 2, 2008 at 10:24 am

Shannon,
Hey! Haha thx 4 checking out the pics on facebook. There are lots more! But I have a really slow computer, and dial up and 4 some reason facebook isn’t working today 4 trying 2 add pics. Grr!! Its making me mad!! But you will have 2 check out my grandmas & grandpas house I decorated 4 Halloween. So you had a good Halloween? I hope everyone else did 2! And ate candy! Hehe. How is everyone else doing? Hope all is well!
xoxo
743 Aliyah // Nov 2, 2008 at 11:05 am

tracie- yeh call me ali!!! how u doing?

shadow- YOU WILL NOT GET FAT. ive had that thought fo years and im not fat now, and i wasnt fat then. Our mind blows everything our of propotions! really its true, anorexia is an illness just like depressions or schizophrenia. its an illness of the mind. you need to get past it, which is th ehardest thing ever to do ino.

eating 500 caloires is nothing ur body uses up like 75% of the calories u eat! ur body is getting nothing its gna start eating itself up, u need to eat more .:)
please try
744 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 1:27 pm

Thanks Ali,
How are u doing?
Me good.Megan i don’t own a scale anymore.
When i had one i was on it after every meal.(or in my case bite)
Its hard cause i really do not know what i weigh.
I’m dying to find out though,but none of my family will let me use there scale.

I did however realize something today.If i get mad at someone(usually in my family)I take it out on me.I wont eat and start calling myself names like (i’m not worth it or anything,Why live?).
See Shadow i still struggle,but what u need to do is realize that struggle ,and not let it Ana get the best of u.
I got angry last night when cooking dinner.I didn’t like what Rob said so instead of talking to him i threw out my dinner.(NOT GOOD)
I made up for it this morning,and ate a great breakfast around 11:00 am.
That is my biggest problem.

Over all i had a great halloween,and did eat tons of candy.(all kinds)
My daughter(gabby) had a blast too.

About my scale i guess i go with what clothes i fit into.Currently i can wear 16 in girls up to Size 0 in Jrs.(remember i’m 39 yrs old,and my ideal weight is suppose to be 140lbs).I’m not gonna lie that will never happen.
Maybe 120 tops,and i can’t even get to that.
Its hard Shadow,but u cannot give up.
You have got to eat,and if your having a hard time eating try nutritional drinks.
I remember begging the Nurses at the hospital(can i just drink my food?)That was a NO!
The first week in hospital i cried at breakfast everyday,then i met a young lady 19 yrs old.
She was adorable.She said to me one day”Tracie can i ask u a question?”I said “of Course”.She started crying ,and said “will i ever b able to eat like u do”?(At that time i was eating 3800 calories a day just to gain weight.)
I said to her Crying”Of course you can,but you have to want it,and no you are worth it”.
I’ll never forget her,and Shadow thats what i want to tell u.”YOU ARE WORTH IT,”and we all love u and support u to the very end.

Edgar i hope u are doing good?We miss u and look forward to talking to u real soon.
REMEMBER EVERYONE ONE DAY AT A TIME,ONE BITE AT A TIME….
WE ARE ALL WORTH IT!!!!!

Friends 4- Ever,and Forever Bonded Together,
Tracie
xoxoxo
0x00x0
745 Shay // Nov 2, 2008 at 4:22 pm

Hey its been awhile since I posted on here. I can honestly say that I have tried a lot harder to beat this, but I am not sure its worth it anymore. I have gained weight and look FAT!!! My so called boyfriend told me that he had a “weight class” and that if I went over it he would maybe still talk to me. I hate the way that I look and feel about myself. Life was so much easier to deal with back when i was counting calories!
746 Aliyah // Nov 2, 2008 at 4:36 pm

tracie yeah im goood thanks , ino anorexia can realy get to u, but u cant take it out on food, u need to learn to cope with emotions in a different way caus eu need food. and belive me ur only gna do ur body favour by gettin 2 ur ideal weight, u will never be 100% over anorexia until udo, its a fact. Ur brain wnt function properly until u do, so try to eat well. well done on ur brekkie!! good stuff!

shayy heyy! sorry to hear ur having a ruff time there. YOUR NOT FAT. anorexia tells us all that and its always a lie!! gosh, love life is NOT easier when ur counting calories, that is a sad and pathetic life, u were not put on earth to count calories! try to like urself, tell me what ur fave bits about urself are, and think hard. what assets do u get complimented on?
i bet u look awesome and ana wnt let u realise. fuck her!
747 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 4:59 pm

HI Shay & Ali,
Gosh dosen’t it feel like a split personality?
There’s always a battle going on ,and WE have to kick ANA’S ASS.
Shay sweetie u are never fat.Its amazing what WE see in the mirror,but that is just it WE cannot focus on the mirror.
Sometimes Rob (Hubby) catches me talking 2 myself,but really i’m talking to the controlling BITCH ANA inside my head,and a guy any age will not get that unless they r like US.Edgar for example.
Please don’t give up Shay u r worth every bite,and sweetie ur beautiful.NO MATTER WHAT THAT BITCH SAYS (ANA).
Don’t let her get the best of u.K

I’m here 4 u,and Ali thank u for your support.
Gosh one day it seems easy 2 deal with,and the next u want to give in to that little voice(THE BITCH).
Lets make a pact girls NONE OF US GIVE IN!!!
WE CAN DO THIS ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!

Shay i want u 2 become concieded:IE: YEAH I KNOW I LOOK GOOD SO BITE ME!!!!
Say that everyday in the mirror before u start ur day!!!!,annd i will try DO the same.K

Friends For-Ever,And For-Ever Connected.

Tracie
xoxoxox
xoxoxox

HI MEGAN:
I BET U LOOK HOT TOO!!!!!
SHANNON U TOO BABE.LOL
748 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 5:07 pm

Well said Aliyah!!!

Shay-You need to get rid of your boyfriend asap! He sounds like a douche he shouldn’t care what size you are, he should want to be with you for the person inside. And he should be concerned for your health and want you to be healthy and happy, not way too thin, cold, depressed, tired and emaciated!

Tracie-Hey girl! Aliyah is right, you’ll still have the Ana thoughts/voices until you reach your ideal weight. I was like you, and never thought I would let myself get up to my ideal weight. And the whole time I was gaining I felt fat and disgusting and blah blah blah. But now that I’ve reached my ideal weight I think I look really good and healthy and not fat at all, and I VERY rarely have ana thoughts anymore! So you’ve just got to keep pushing to get to your weight so your brain can function properly. It is a good idea to tell yourself you look good. I did that a lot during treatment. The counselors always gave me a hard time because they thought I was too optimistic and cheerful, but I thought that was much better than being down and sad all the time. I like to say, fake it til you make it. If you tell yourself that you look good and can reinforce those thoughts you’ll really start believing it. Keep it up!

Aliyah-I am so happy for you! You’ve been such great support throughout my whole recovery. The times that I felt like giving up you were there to keep pushing me forward and I’m so much happier today without ana. Its so nice to be able to live my life with school and friends and family and not have to worry or be completely consumed with ana! You’re my hero! hehe
749 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 5:37 pm

Hey Shannon& Ali,
I’m not going 2 lie.I m scared to death of that #.
How do u get rid of what us see in the mirror?
My biggest problem r my legs and thighs.
When i look in the mirror,if my legs/inner thighs touch i feel grosed out.I AM SICK OF FEELING THAT WAY,AND MY NECK I GET SOOOOO AFRAID OF A DOUBLE CHIN.
GOD I KNOW THAT SOUNDS SOOOO LAME!!!!
How can i get those thought or reflections out of my head?
I’m Serious on telling myself u look good keep it going.Is that how i do it?

Any words of encouragement or telling me where to go is fine too.
I’ll take what i can get,and work with it.

Talk 2 u all soon,
Tracie
xoxox
xoxox
750 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 5:40 pm

WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE LIKE ALI,AND SHANNON……..
TEACH ME HOW U DID IT…..

Friends for-ever& for -ever connected,
Tracie
xxoxox
xoxoxxo
751 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 5:55 pm

hey tracie! you can be like aliyah and I, you’ve just got to keep pushing! I felt the exact same way you did when I was gaining weight. I was so scared of the number they wanted me to get to and thought that there was no way, but I’m at it now (actually a few lbs more than that), and I’m completely fine with it. I think I look good now, plus all my friends and family tell me how great I look which helps a lot. When I went into treatment I thought that I looked “good” and I didn’t see myself as being too thin, but now when I look back on pictures of me from that time or think about how I weighed 55 lbs less than I do now, I know I looked disgusting back then. That just makes me see that my body image is distorted. It helped me to take pictures with my friends who I think are a “normal” size. Not fat, not too thin, just normal. Then that way I can see myself next to them and see that I’m no bigger than they are. Maybe you could try that? And you said you can wear a size 16 in girls? Think about that in your head….its not logical! You’re a grown WOMAN, not a little girl. You’re suppose to have curves. Before I went into treatment I was that size too and I was dating a guy (i broke up with him because i was embarassed of my ED), and he always use to tell me how I was way too skinny and blah blah blah. But I saw him the other day and he couldn’t believe how good I looked and even asked if we could start hanging out again. I actually look and feel like a woman again. I’ve got curves and I’ve got my boobs back. hehe. You can get to this point, I promise. You’ve just got to keep pushing yourself. It wasn’t easy, but it was SO SO SO worth it!!!
752 Shay // Nov 2, 2008 at 6:55 pm

I have tried to get rid of him but am afraid that he is the only one that will ever like me. He saw me at my smallest and I am teriffied that no one will like me if I gain weight *and trust me I have) I just started training for a marathon and I feel so gross and disgusting when I run because my things are touching and it is grossing me out!!!!
753 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 7:03 pm

Hey Shannon,
Thank you for the encouragement.
I wish it would just go away.I just got done eating dinner.Tomato soup/crackers (6)
And a veggie taco.
I’m just full.So i should try taking pictures?
K i will do it.I’m not gonna lie i haven’t had a picture done in 4 yrs.Ever since i got out of hospital.I feel as though i do not take them well.
I can see the Skinniness in my face and it groses me out.
At least u can’t see my ribs anymore.
Ya know the only time i feel normal is when my monthly comes cause i bloat,and my friends can’t even notice it,but i can.

Girl you are awesome thank u soooooo much for taking time out to talk,and help me thru this.
Hey did u ever feel as though u were in more control in the hospital?
Thats how i feel.Just cause it goes from day to day when ur out.

My mother-in law actually puts me on meal watch after i eat at her house can u believe that!
I told her i don’t puke so the meal watch does no good.Nor will she let me go to the bathroom during a meal.She found out later i was spitting the food out.
See it seems as though its all i think about especially when i’m full now!
Okay i will get family portraits done for the holidays,and see how i feel.Yes?

Talk to you soon.

Friends for-ever&for ever connected!

Tracie
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
754 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 7:14 pm

Hi Shay,
Its Tracie,i know exactly how u feel.
I cannot stand my thighs touching,and i have to tell myself (IT’S THE BITCH TALKING TO YOU).
As for ur boyfriend There is someone out there for you.Someone who will treat you right ,and love you for who you are.

Think of this would there be another girl you know who would put up with his BULL SHIT!
Hell no!!!You are worth more than that,and another thing he is probably scared,cause he knows u look good HELL GREAT,and that scares the SHIT OUT OF HIM!!!!
And it should.Your Romeo is out there,and its not the ASS ur with.

God Girl i wish i could take my own advice!!!
REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!

FRIENDS FOR-EVER&FOR-EVER CONNECTED.
Tracie
xoxoxox
xoxoxox
755 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 7:47 pm

Shay-There are plenty of guys out there for you! Don’t settle for your jerkoff boyfriend! You can do so much better babe!!!

Tracie-When I was in inpatient I did kind of get into a routine where I was comfortable. It was nice knowing exactly what I’d be doing during the day and having a set schedule on when I was going to eat and what I was going to eat, no arguements or negotiating about it. But then after 8 weeks of inpatient I started doing half days and at first I was scared to death because I didn’t know how I would do on my own, and at first I did struggle but with the help of my friends and family I got through it and now I NEVER want to go back to that place! Its so nice to be able to be spontaneous now and not have to have a set schedule to feel comfortable. Before, if I were going out to eat with my friends/family I would HAVE to know where we were going so I coulld look up the menu online and figure out what the lowest calorie thing I could get would be. But now I don’t care where we go and tell my friends to surprise me, because I know I’ll just get whatever I’m craving! The pictures are definitely a good idea. My aunt and uncle have a pool and over the summer I took a picture with my younger cousin (who is 13 and an average, healthy/fit weight) in our bathing suits by the pool. When my mom asked me I would compare myself to my cousin I said “oh we’re about the same weight” but then when I saw the picture I was MUCH thinner than she was and looked sick. So that just goes to show how distorted our body images are! My cousin and I took pictures throughout the summer with eachother in our bathing suits so I could see the progress I was making with my weight and see that even though I was gaining weight (and felt gross and fat), I was still thinner than my cousin. So if its possible take a picture with a friend that you think looks good, and that way you’ll be able to see that you’re no bigger, and even smaller than she is.

As for your mother in law…it sounds like she’s just concerned about you. Has your family been very involved in your treatment/recovery? That’s one reason I know I’ve done so well. I’ve had the best support from everyone around me. My parents and my older brother have been great, and so has my extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles)…everyone. At first I was embarassed to tell my friends about it but its not like they were clueless, they knew something was going on. But once I told them it felt like such a relief to not have to lie or hide things from them anymore. And they didn’t think badly of me…they have been so supportive and there to help me. At first it was so hard for me to eat alone and my friends would come over and eat with me even if they had already eaten…they were so wonderful! In my treatment center they had a family night, where your family members would come eat dinner with you and all the families would meet and talk with eachother. Then they had a seperate group just for the friends/families of people with eating disorders where they could learn to deal with their loved ones and learn what techniques worked best and what not. My mom and dad found that group to be really helpful. But you really need to have good support. My mom told me that the 2 key factors in getting better are 1. you have to be WILLING and ready and 2. you have to have good/positive support people all around you. Do your friends know about your eating disorder? Do you hang out with them often? Also, do you have a job? Since I’ve started nursing school my mind has been occupied with school and learning and all my new friends and it has taken my thoughts off food and my ana. Do you have any hobbies you really enjoy? Keep fighting. You can do it!!!!

I just got done eating dinner with my family. Its so nice to enjoy meals with them. We had cheeseburgers, french fries, grilled veggies, fruit salad, and ice cream cake for dessert! DELICIOUS!!!
756 Shay // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:13 pm

I know there are other guys out there, but I have gotten to fat for any of them to even look at me. I have reached my ideal weight and even a few pounds over and I hate it!!!! I have started to count calories again and started working out even more. I want to lose at least 30 pounds
757 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:21 pm

Hey Shannon,
Well for starters i don’t have a job.Being that i am PKU i take 60 pills just to stay alive.
It bites big time.My Hubby (Rob)wants me to go on SSI,cause i am not able to work.
At my last job i lost so much weight cause i didn’t eat at all.So he doesn’t think it would be a good idea till i get to a healthier weight.(Normal
Weight)

My family (sisters) are not really supportive,but i don’t really focus on them either.
My little sister is pretty good,but she has her own set of problems.
My mom bless her heart is dealing with my Dads death.Plus she just fell at work and broke her shoulder.So i am looking out for her alot.(even though she lives in CA,and i am in Wa.)
My dad was not a cool dad!!!
There is things i found out about my childhood,that now makes sense on why i don’t remember it at all.
Yea girl i had a rough childhood.
My dad blamed me for my PKU,cuse it cost him extra $.So they (parents )took me off my medcal diet,and now my brain and body has paid for it.

As for friends i am brand new to Asotin,Wa.
My neighbors are very judgemental,and think i am on some kind of drug.LOL

So they don’t talk to me.
My life is my Husband ,and daughter,and calling my mom everyday.
As long as i am eating Rob(hubby) thinks eveything is fine.
I know what u speak of w/family groups at hosp.
My family never came.Only my Hubby,and daughter(Gabriella).

Sometimes alot of the time i feel alone in this world,cause no-one really understands.

Hard to type when ur crying. Sorry!
That is why i do my own therapy just by talking to other girls.(Like U all)

I hope i didn’t depress u…..

Take care,
FRIENDS FOR-EVER&FOR-EVER CONNECTED!!!!!!!!
Tracie
758 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:24 pm

Shay-Do you want to be cold, miserable, tired, and completely obsessed with food and weight?! You must if you want to lose 30 lbs! You have to realize that your body image is messed up and tell yourself you are NOT fat, because you aren’t! Its such a good thing that you’ve reached your ideal weight!! And when I first got to my ideal weight I went a little bit over it, but then my body realized I wasn’t going to starve it anymore and I naturally lost a few lbs and have been staying right at my goal weight without trying/worrying about anything. I eat what I want, when I want and I’m so happy! Guys will look at you! I’m sure they do! Guys don’t want a stick thin girl that has no shape or body! The boyfriend I had when I was anorexic would tell me all the time that he wished I’d gain weight and that I was too skinny. He would also try to get me to eat “bad” food. At the time, I hate when he would say/do those things because I wasn’t ready to get better, and I ultimately broke up with him for it so I could stay miserable and stuck in my eating disorder (bad choice)! Now that I’ve gotten help and have recovered, I see that he was just worried and concerned about me because I wasn’t attractive when I was that skinny. I saw that same guy the other day and he told me how good I looked…and when I told him I had gained 55 lbs he said “no way, you’re still skinny!” even though sometimes I think Oh man, I’ve gained a lot of weight…its weight I NEEDED to gain…just like you! You do not need to lose any weight! Treat your body right. Live your life for YOU and what makes YOU happy, not for some guy, or any guy for that matter! Are you having your period? I still haven’t gotten my period back and I’ve been at my ideal weight for a few months now, so that just goes to show you how much we mess up our bodies! DO NOT GIVE IN TO ANOREXIA! You’ve come so far, don’t turn back now!!! YOU CAN DO IT, I BELIEVE IN YOU!
759 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:25 pm

Shannon,

PS
DINNER SOUNDED GREAT,AND YUMMY

Tracie
760 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:32 pm

Hey Tracie! I was in treatment with a lady that reminds me a lot of you. Her husband and children were supportive of her, but that was about it. She didn’t have many friends and didn’t really talk with her extended family much because they had some issues of their own. She couldn’t work either and she would spend most of the day sitting at home just “feeding” her eating disorder. Is there a local place you could go there that has a weekly support group? I know the treatment center I was in had a support group for anyone in the community with an eating disorder every Wednesday night…I still go sometimes to show the other girls that recovery is completely possible! Or are you a very religious person? Maybe you could find a church and get involved in a bible study or something like that…it would atleast be something to do. I find that when I just sit at home bored, that’s when I think about my weight or my eating disorder so I try to stay busy so I’m not thinking about it. I’m assuming when you were in treatment you talked aboit your childhood issues? Did you get any of those resolved? I know what you mean when people judge you and think you’re a druggie! I met some new people over the summer and I ended up telling them I had an eating disorder and they were almost relieved to hear that because they said they either thought I had an eating disorder or I was a meth addict. Who wants to look like that? Its not attractive on anyone!! Dinner was wonderful…I’m having some leftover halloween candy now hehehe
761 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:45 pm

Shannon,
U are so sweet!!!
I have looked into a program for out patient.
The closet place is 5 hrs away.
Where i live is in the boon docks.LOL
1100 people,and no support groups at all.
They are all in Seattle Wa.
I am religious in my own way,but the people who have judged me are VERY RELIGIOUS!!!!

Yes they think i am into Meth.Yea ok!
I have not a blemmish on my face,but for some reason that is no enough.

I am thinking about going to my daughters school,and high school just to speak with the Kids there.
1100 people in my town,but 500 are kids.
Crazy huh!

As ror group in Hosp. we touched the subject,and then told earlier on that day we were not allowed to speak about it anymore.Which has completley F’d me up……
I thought that is what group or individual counsling was for,but i was wrong!
So i have never spoken about my childhood,nor
do i remember much.

Enjoy ur Halloween candy.
I actually have a belly ache from eating it all-day.LOL

Talk to you soon.

Tracie
762 Shannon // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:58 pm

Hey Tracie that is messed up about them telling you not to talk about your childhood in treatment! If you ever need to talk about it I’m here. I think you should get that stuff worked out and that would really help your eating disorder!
763 Tracie // Nov 2, 2008 at 9:22 pm

Hi Shannon.
Thank you for the offer.
I am ashamedof what has happened,and it is very embarrassing for me to talk about.

Maybe if there was away to do it confidential?

Get back to me,and let me know.
Thanks for caring.Not many people do…..

FRIENDS FOR-EVER&FOR-EVER CONNECTED…..

Tracie
764 Shannon // Nov 3, 2008 at 5:39 am

Hey Tracie. You shouldn’t be ashamed or embarassed about what happened! We could talk through email or instant messenger? My email address is shanni0121@yahoo.com and my instant messenger screenname is shanni121. Just let me know! Have a good day!
765 Tracie // Nov 4, 2008 at 4:16 pm

Hi Shannon,
Its Tracie.How ya doing?
Shay ,and u,Megan,and Edgar.How is everyone?

I hope everyone was able to vote today!!!!
As for myself,i did,and i am haning in there.

I guess i’m just a little scatter brained today.
I got a job.YIPPEE!!!Ya know kinda take ur mind off of things.
Anyways i’m looking forward to starting it tomorrow,and at least it will keep me busy.

Take care,
Tracie
766 Megan // Nov 5, 2008 at 9:18 pm

Hey Tracie! (and everyone else!! lol)

How are you all doing? I am good thanks just been sooo busy and tired becasue I am touring colleges for next year with my family. So today I was on the road for 5 hrs! AHH! And have been up since 5. Surprisingly I am not that tired though! It will probably hit me sometime tommorow though.. lol. I am on my reading week so that’s why I am off. So what have u all been up to lately? I hope everyone is well!! Stay healthy and keep fighting!! xoxoxo
767 Tracie // Nov 6, 2008 at 11:56 am

Hi Megan,
Good to hear from u.
Wow u done alot of traveling.
It sounds exhausting.I’m doing ok.My daughter has been sick ,and out of school a couple days,but she’s getting better slowly,and now its my husbands turn.Great.LOL
Whats funny is my diet Vegitarian keeps me pretty healthy with not catching the flu.Knock on wood.LOL

Anyways i keep fighting the fight,and doing what i need to survive.It would just be nice to have support groups in my area.I’ve been in contact with NEDA,but of course there is nothing close to me.It definitly makes you feel like giving up.
I’m real close to that point,but trying to keep the faith!
Anyways good to talk with u.
Take care,
Tracie
768 Aliyah // Nov 6, 2008 at 3:18 pm

hey guys how is everyone?
i must say ive had sum ana today cause i ate soooooooooooooooo much, i cnt stop!!
but oh well, we need to eat lots, im not gna beta myself up about it or restrict cause im soo overthat!!
im going out to dinner 2moro and lunch lifes good when u try new things n go out to eat, its soo much fun!!!

welll take care everyone, beat ana, beat that voice cause uno its a lie!!!!

xx
769 Megan // Nov 6, 2008 at 9:50 pm

Aliyah,

Ahhh I feel the same way as you do!! I am eating soooo much lately its like I cant control it either! And I don’t even count my calories, or restrict. I guess that is a good thing because I am getting healthy now. But Annorexia gave me so much more control. It’s really hard not 2 have that little bit more of control in you life again. I believe that I am pretty much over my ED, but I do sometimes feel like going back but than it’s like ropes pull me back and try 2 get me 2 eat. It’s confusing isn’t it!?? Going from not eating, than 2 just pigging out again! :S I catch myself bingeeating soooo much now. Its crazy! And I am so afraid I will become fat again. But I keep on saying “No thats not possible. Megan you are NOT FAT!!” The other thing that is keeping me motivated from my annorexia is the fact that I am starting college next year and my parents even warned me if I get any skinner than they won’t be sending me off. So I guess this change i s all for the better eh? Hows every 1 else doing? Keep figting !! xoxo
770 Shannon // Nov 6, 2008 at 9:54 pm

hey guys. i’ve been doing okay the past week. i’ve been eating well but i have been feeling self concious in my clothes and today i made the mistake of weighing myself. i don’t know why i did it. it was such a dumb thing to do. i haven’t weighed myself in along time and it was kind of a shock…well not kind of, it was a big shock! i wish now that i wouldn’t have done it but i can’t take it back. i feel kind of like i’m getting out of control but on the opposite end. it feels like i’m having trouble finding the “middle” ground. its like i went from eating way too little to way too much. i’m feeling kind of discouraged and down right now, but i’m going to try to wake up tomorrow with a better attitude. on the bright side, i have a date tomorrow
771 Aliyah // Nov 7, 2008 at 10:16 am

shannon- you have come soooo far, do not let ana ever beat u down agen. ur more than a numver, wake up happy and say to urself, im not a number, cause ur not! ure a lot more than that, and uno it! enjoy ur dat, and have a gd time, bet he would not think for one second, you are fat!

megan- ino how u feel!!! but belive me, when we have ana we arent in control ana is. we cant give her control!! im going out to eat 2nite, and ino im gna end up havin so much, but oh wells. such is life, lifes more important than what we eat! lets just enjoy the food, were lucky to have it. and dont worry u will not get fat!!! when ur hungry eat, listen to ur body, if u feel like eating sumthing have it reward ut body, ino it must be scary, but were all here to help u!

xx
772 Lulu // Nov 7, 2008 at 7:25 pm

Hello everyone. I’m in recovery as well(I am five feet five and my lowest weight was eighty-nine pounds). Initially I did not admit to being anorexic because my weight loss stemmed from depression rather than body image issues. But now that I’m finally gaining weight I feel fat and out of control. I was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med and while it has helped with those issues, the weight gain is tough. Technically I’m still a bit underweight for my height,but I’m gaining so rapidly it’s only a matter of time before I’m overweight! Help!
773 Tracie // Nov 7, 2008 at 10:16 pm

Hi LuLu,and welcome to the recovery site.
My name is Tracie and i am and always will be a recovering anorexic.
My lowest weight has been 93lbs at 35 yrs old.
I have never relapsed,but i definitly have my bad days.The girls,and Edgar are wonderful to
talk to ,and offer some great advice.
I can offer lots of advice,but i need to listen to my own advice as well.
Hang in there u are worth every bite.
WE are not fat WE deserve every bite and worth it.It s all an allusion WE see in the mirror.Remember to make a car run u need gas!
To survive,and have our bodies healthy WE need to eat!
Our health all starts with what we put in our mouths,and if WE put nothing in there like a car WE will break down!

Take care Honey WE are all here for u.
Tracie
oxoxo
xoxoxo
774 Megan // Nov 7, 2008 at 10:49 pm

Lulu,

Welcome 2 the site! We are all here 2 help u and we all know EXACTLY what you are going through hun! My annorexia has never gotten 2 the point where I have gone under 80 or 90 pounds. It has always stayed within the 100 range. But its really difficult because I believe it or not used 2 weigh in at a whopping 245 lbs @ one time! It’s hard not 2 think about how fat I am going 2 get again. I’m always scared and worried about it. But you really have 2 tell yourself that you are soooo soooo much more than just a number Lulu!! And why worry about our weight because its not as if we walk around with a sticker on our foreheads telling us how much we weigh. And when u hear that mean ugly annorexic voice just think.. a voice can eaisly be turned to a whisper and in time that whisper can evantually dissapear. It all takes time. But who wants 2 live the rest of their life cold, sick, and unhealthy?? We are young and all beautiful both inside and out. If you ever want to talk I have email MSN and facebook. Just let me know! Keep fighting Lulu I know u can do it!! xoxoxo
775 Aliyah // Nov 8, 2008 at 3:02 am

Lulu hey welcome!1 what ur doing is amazing!! going thru recovery is hard, for every single person., but belive me its the right thing to do, keep going!! lifes better with food! i had / have anorexia for years and i find recovery hard sum days, but ino that inthe long run, this is what is bets for my body. yes weight gain is hard, but its not even gaining, its REGAIN ur just puttin bak on what u lost! anorexia leads to death, 10% of anorexics die, cause of the damage to their body, its serious, it snot just about weight and food. stay strong and keep eating, ur on the right path and ur a lucky one!!! dnt kill urself!!

xx
776 Lulu // Nov 8, 2008 at 9:27 am

Dear Tracie,Megan, and Aliyah,

Thank you so much for such kind words. I thought I’d read them again now because I’m about to eat and am stressing a little. It means a lot to see you girls in recovery and still having the desire and strength to reach out to another person-one you don’t even know! I hope I can be helpful to you all too. Like you say, we all have good days and bad days. I’m so glad I found this place.
777 Lulu // Nov 8, 2008 at 4:54 pm

Hello again,

Well my breakfast went smoothly but i received some bad news and now my appetite has vanished. I know I won’t eat for the rest of the day.
778 Aliyah // Nov 8, 2008 at 4:58 pm

lulu hey.
aw ino how hard it is to fcus on eating when u have bad news, but try to eat sumthing, it means ur in control:D tel ursef, by not eating, u r not benfiting urself in any way, cuse ur not, i mean ask urself, by not eating,w ha do u really feel? and ull prolly think well i feel in control n better, but how is not eating control? its not, so try to eat sumthing tasty mite make u feel better.
stay strong, dnt damage ur body anymore
x
779 Lulu // Nov 9, 2008 at 8:14 pm

Dear Sweet Girls,

Someone has done something terrible to me and I cannot eat. I cannot even swallow saliva. All I can do is cry and wish I were down to my ana weight because then I’d be closer to death. Ana is my only friend. I have no family. I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad. I can’t do this. Can’t stop crying. I can’t help it…..I need to control myself and it’s the only way. It sounds so cliche but cliches exist for a reason. When you have nothing else, ana is everything.
780 Aliyah // Nov 10, 2008 at 8:57 am

lulu – im so sorry to hear uve been having abad time, but belive me, anorexia is not the way. listenoin to that voice, and being closer to death is not good! u may think ur better of dead but ur not! ur really not.
shit happens, i lost both my granparents ina month, and i turned to ana, and i regretted it cause i nearly lost so much. now i wud never turn to ana. please try to be strong, ur an amazing person and u have so much to give, food is not the enemy, no one is angry at u.
do u want to talkl about what hapened? talking helps alot, so does crying, it lets all ur anger and sadness out. but not eating, doesnt do anything, so please try sumthing… anything…

xx
781 Tracie // Nov 10, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Dearest LULU,
I know exactly what you are talking about.
I too have had something sooooo bad happen to me that i have not told anyone.
I bet when something goes wrong you take it out on you?So do i.Its not a good way to take care of yourself.
Sometimes i cring at food or at something that just triggers my past.
My father passed away last year in sept.07,and honestly it was a part of a relief.ONLY PART!!!!
Sweetie i know its easier to just dwindle away,but you CANNOT LET ANA DO THAT TO YOU!!!!
Lulu, where do you live at?
Can you get into anykind of counsling?
That is exactly what i need to do,but i live in the middle of no-where.IT SUCKS!

Please feel free to use my e-mail if you want to talk quietly.tsykes@cableone.net
WE NEED YOU HERE WITH US!!!!
This group of girls are very special,and lets keep talking.K?

Depend on us/me and i will be there for you.
Take care honey,
Tracie
xoxoxo
xoxoxxo
782 bob // Nov 12, 2008 at 12:08 am

Hi, I know a very very close friend who has anorexia and i wanted to know more about the mental aspect of it? I read a lot about this terrible illness everyday and I admire all of your courage for fighting back.. Just one who wants to understand ..
783 Tracie // Nov 12, 2008 at 5:47 pm

Hi Bob,
First of all let me say its awesome that your taking time out to find out info on Anorexia.Aka ANA.
My name is tracie i am 39 yrs old and suffer with anorexia for about 10 plus years now.
I have been in recovery for 4 almost 5 yrs.
Hospitalized 1 time with no relapses.THANK GOD!
It is a huge mind trip.Almost like a split personality.For myself it has been taking everyting that happens negativaly in my life,and using it on my body.
IE: argument with family wont eat for 3 or so days.
As you can probably tell i starve myself.
I feel for your friend.It is a daily struggle.
Especially if she or he has had a trama in his or her life.
Its like a voice is telling you in your head (You don’t need food or you don’t deserve food,Your not worth it.)
Alot has to do with what WE see in the mirror.
My problem is none of my skin can touch one another.IE:Legs/thighs.I get scared of a double chin,and see that alot in the mirror.
I wear a size 16 in girls ,and on a good day 1 in juniors.
If you want to help your friend get him or her to talk about as much as he or she can.
Also if you read through some of the posts here i did one activity in group one day.Write a letter to the little girl or boy inside you.
It is posted.I ask you to read it.
Please just don’t give up on him or her.
That is what they or ANA wants.She wants to control every move internally.
May i ask if you know how much he or she weighs?
How long he or she has been suffering with it?
Its an illness that kills.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime to talk or any questions.
tsykes@cableone.net
I am here for you.
This is a real disease,and i am here to help.
I am very honest and open,and will answer all questions.

Hang in there,and don’t give up on him or her.

Tracie
784 charlotte // Nov 12, 2008 at 6:49 pm

hi every1!!! i have wrote on here before but i used to be under the name of struggling! i decided to use my real name because i am so desperate to just be ME again. since the last time i wrote ive bin tryin sooo hard to beat this dam thing but when i feel that i am on top of it i just suddenly lose control and here i am again back at suare 1. i tell myself yes u r better ur fine but now when i am in my own mind not(anas mind) i no that i f i was fine i would not be sat here cryin at this time wrapped in a huge coat to stay warm. i just feel so lost and rite now i cant c a way out. Recently i have bin puttin a front on- il eat and pretend im fine then il pretend ive got course work 2 do run off upstairs and purgee!! horrible i no but i cant stop! i hate this but i cant stop i dont no what to do. sorry about the essay but since i last wrote ive bin tryin 2 hold it in for so long and i feel like i need 2 explode. well done to evry1 on here tho each 1 of u are sooo gr8 and sooo strong keep it up =-)
xxxx
785 Charlotte // Nov 12, 2008 at 7:06 pm

hi every1, it has been a long time since i last wrote except i used to be under the name of struggling! i have now decided to use my own name because i am so desperate just to be ME again not this dumb bitch! that takes control of me, i keep tellin myself ‘your fine’ ‘your ok now’ but i no if i truly was i wouldnt be sat here now crying wrapped up in a huge coat just so i can keep warm! recently i have been putting on a huge front especially infront of my dad who keeps saying im to thin…but u c i have bin eatin infront of him but then il run upstairs and say ive got course work to do then yes il purge!!! i hate it yet i cant control what im doin. im so desperate to get better but rite now im on such a low and feel that the best fing for me is to carry on this way bcoz this way is the way which i feel i have the most control and the most power..strangely the most normal! i no its wrong but i cant stop… thin seems like the only way out for me at the moment.
however enuf about me for the moment i am sooo proud of evry1 on here, readin threw all ur posts just makes me so happy because it shows me that it is possible 2 kick anas arse lol well done girls and guys keep it up =-)
xxxx
786 Charlotte // Nov 12, 2008 at 7:10 pm

sori both of these are very similar but i thought 1 didnt send so i wrote another but both are still exactly how i feel still both show how much ana is kickin my arse at the moment! shit i no lol x
787 Tracie // Nov 12, 2008 at 7:53 pm

Hi Charlotte,
First of all u haven’t given up cause ur still comin back.So Kudos for that.
I know what u mean,but listen sweetie u are worth every bite.
I have struggled w/Ana for 10 plus yrs and still struggle,but u cannot give up.
U can do it.I know the relief u feel when u purge,but sweetheart the internal damage is life long.Believe me i know.I’ve had a Right Bundle Branch Block(RBBB),my kidneys are now bad,and i have done sooooooo much damage i cannot even have anymore children.IS THAT WHAT U REALLY WANT!!!!!!!!
Don’t let that Bitch take control over ur life.
Its like having a split personality,and u have to constantly (TELL HER TO GO TO HELL I’M WORTH IT!!!)
I want to ask you to write a letter with ur non writing hand,and write a letter to the little girl inside u.Let her speak,and u will be surprised at what she tells u.In a couple previous posts i let that little girl out to share with all of US on this site.
Please read it,then take a good look in the mirror,and tell ur self what u see.
Remember if a car does not have gas it wont run!
If WE don’t have food WE’ll DIE!!!!!!
Sweetie WE are just like a car,and we need food to survive.
You can do this YOU ARE BETTER THAN ana.
YOU HAVE CONTROL NOT HER!!!!!!

I am here for u feel free to write again.I’m on all the time for added support.
Take care ,and KEEP FIGHTING!!!!!!
Friends for-ever and for -ever connected!!!!!

Love,
Tracie
xoxoxox
xoxoxoxo
788 curious and confused // Nov 12, 2008 at 9:51 pm

Well, I thought I was recovered, but recently not so much. I still find myself mentally calculating how many calories I have eaten and burnt, visiting weight loss forums online, and starting to think that I need to start restricting calories again.

I am a division 1 distance runner. I am 5’6 and weigh about 108 now- I dont keep a scale, but last spring i weighed 101. I am roughly where I want to be weight wise, but find myself terrified of gaining weight. I find that this is completely ridiculous as I run over 50 miles a week, but I cannot help it. The main reason why I started restricting calories was to give myself a feeling of control, to be healthy, and to become faster. The motivation for getting myself out of it was to become stronger and have a healthy immune system for this upcoming cross country season. But now, as we approach the off season and the holidays, I find myself thinking that losing some weight might be a good idea. I saw a nutritionist at the start of the season who told me my caloric intake should be about 2300. This freaked me out because I had assumed that my intake should be well over 2500.
I also had some general questions regarding recovering from anorexia. How long does it take for periods to resume? And I have been having some massive digestive issues- bloating, gas, and diahhrea. Ive heard that this is not uncommon for reovering EDs- how long does that take to fix? and now, only after I have started to eat better has my hair started coming out at a ridiculous rate. It seems that I am pulling handfuls out in the shower- how long does this take to fix?
As I type this I feel so disappointed in what I have done to myself, but strangely, still think that cutting my calories in the future is not a bad idea. I dont know what to do. And it does not really help that both of my roommates are non athletes and may have ED themselves. I feel like the best thing would be a map of somesort- telling me what to eat and when to be healthy
789 Tracie // Nov 12, 2008 at 10:52 pm

My Dearest Curious & Confused,
I feel very bad for you.Realisticly it takes 2 to 4 yrs before your body can recover.
I have been a recovering anorexic for 4 yrs and still struggle.I am 39 yrs old and weigh maybe 105lbs on a good day.
Honey what i can tell you is the damage u may have done is already permanent.The reason i say that is cause i’ve done it to myself.
I had a RBBB in my heart,my kidneys are bad,and i can no longer have children.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!
Please for the love of god don’t.
I have had Ana for over 10 yrs,and it takes alot of determination,and support.
You need food to survive.I live for my family,but i still suffer.I don’t purge i starve myself.
It takes along time to fully recover.I don’t know if u have heard of Karen Carpenter?She thought she beat Ana,but at 115lbs she still already did the damage,and died.
Please google her name,and read her story!
If u want to talk feel free to e-mail me.
tsykes@cableone.net
I am here for u,and i will pray for u to make the right decision!

PS
Get Rogain it will help regrow ur hair.
Trust me it works…..

Friends forever&forever connected,

Tracie
xoxoxo
x0x0x0x0
790 Charlotte // Nov 13, 2008 at 6:02 am

Hi Tracie and evry1,

thank u for ur support, ur so kind and well done u for the strength u have found to kick Anas butt, u should be sooo proud =-)
The thing is i no that everything u r saying is the reality of what we are doing to are bodies if we listen to that evil voice..so why is it that she still seems to win the mental battle between the real me and her! i guess this is something we have all and all struggle with at times, but i do really want to change and i am going to keep on trying coz i no this could kill me and that is definately NOT what i want!
u seem like uve bin through it all with ana and u r such an inspiration-what u have said shows me that no matter how bad it gets it is possible to be the 1 that’s really in control.=-) ive already had a kidney infection which put me in hospital for a few weeks and left me in so much pain physically and mentally,this was a real turning point for me and for a whille i DID change my ways and managed to start regaining my life back. Now however i seem to be back at square 1! the letter writing seems like such a good idea i am definately gonna try this thankyou Tracie.
I am so glad i found this website, the support really is amazing, it shows just what a bit of talking can do for your state of mind.
Hope every1 is ok and staying strong.

love Charlotte XxXxXxXx
xXxXx
X
791 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 7:59 am

Hi Charlotte,
I am so proud of u not giving up.Just take it one day at a time.Just to let u know i’ve had no team of Drs. to support me,and my family are no where near where i live.I just keep telling myself u can do it!And u can.
Even if u go one bite at a time.Unfortunantly i have been through alot.Remembering how it feels to not eat.I’m not going to lie sometimes i miss it,then i think of the Hospital i was in,and its not worth it.
Your mind is a powerful tool!Just choose to do the right thing K!I thought about u last night,and i pray u were able to eat?Yes?
I did tomato soup w/rice,and crackers.
Its not much,but at this time in my life i have a misalligned jaw to where i cannot chew.So i eat mushy foods until i have surgery.
Every little bit of food helps.K
U can do sweetie ur not alone!!!!!

Take care,and talk to you soon!

Friends Forever&Forever Connected,

Tracie
xoxooxox
oxoxoxoox
792 Aliyah // Nov 13, 2008 at 4:23 pm

hey guys how is everyone?
just thought id come on and say i got weighed by my counceller the other day i have gained a pound and a half, and i got my period today the second time ! woopee my body is startin to function properly, and its only cause i eat properly and snack all day.
everyone keep fighting and pushing urselves, though u may feel bad and crap after, the end result is priceless.= LIFE.
anorexia is a lie, and it feeds on an unhealthy mind, th emor eu eat the better u will get belive me its true.
keep going girls!
x
793 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 4:47 pm

Congrats Ali,
I am soooooo proud of u.Getting ur period is definitly great news.Ur body is recovering,and that my love is awesome!!!
As i speak i am eating a fat bowl of popcorn drenched in butter and salt.Dang its good too!!!

Keep up the awesome job.Your doing it!!!!!

Friends ForEver&ForEver Connected,
Tracie
xoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxo
794 bob // Nov 13, 2008 at 5:38 pm

Hi i was just wondering if anyone has tried hypnotherapy at all? I hear they make changes with the root of the problem and the view of food in the subconscious and then the changes begin to become present in a conscious state..
795 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 5:49 pm

Hi Bob,
Its Tracie That is a great question,and ya know i am actually looking into that.
What u do is go to a pain managment Dr. They will refer,and find a Hynotherapyist.
That is exactly what i am doing,and they can make u love to eat,and enjoy food once again.

Or what ever u are wanting it for.

Take Care,
Tracie
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
796 Charlotte // Nov 13, 2008 at 6:45 pm

Hey every1,

Tracie, thankyou so much for all your advice it really is helping me stay strong ,even if im not doing so well at the moment the main thing is you are giving me all the encouragement not to give up and i reaally do thank u for that.
i feel like such a loser at the moment and i feel so weak and disappointed with myself because although i no what i should be doing i just cant seem to keep up a regular HEALTHY routine. today i woke up with a bad frame of mind the ‘bitch’ was in control telling me dont eat u dont want 2 get fat! i did listen 2 her for a while then i fort noo and quickly made a piece of toast (no butter tho) but a suppose somethings better than nothin. yes the guilty thoughts were there but i just sat with my dad and watched tele to keep my mind off it. 2 pieces ive had 2day in total i no i need ALOT more tho, and im just going to take each day as it cums!
do u think it is a gud idea to c a couciller or is support from my family enough? the onli fing being is i have only ever spoke 2 my mum and brother about it but now i tell them im better and avoid speakin 2 them about it. they dont have a full understanding of how i feel and of how extreme this is. i keep wanting to tell my mum but i just cant seem 2 get the words out..i feel embaressed almost like if i let the truth out i wil look weak and be seen as a failure.
damm i dont half woffle lol
how u doing at the moment Tracie, hope ur well? u have come so far and u should be sooo proud were much better than that other evil voice that trys to take over us, but together we will ALL beat this!!! =-) take care

speak soon xxxxx
797 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 7:13 pm

Hi Charlotte,
Ur Right something is better than nothing,and YES i do think a councler would be good 4 u.
The reason i say that is cause u will feel NOT JUDGED!!!She doesn’t know u from a Adam.
I know what u mean when u tell ur Mom I’M DOIN GOOD!!!But u know what sweetie they can still see it…..Even if u think ur hiding!!!!
When i was having ,(and still am) a hard time eating i started off with baby food.I know sounds crazy,but u actually might enjoy it,then progress to something bigger.
Also if it is easier for u to drink try a nutrional drink.That is what i do as well as yogurt drinks,and Fruit smoothies.
Remember its okay 2 take baby steps just keep making an improvment.
Hey Charlotte where r u from?I’m wanting to say
the UK?Or notLOL
I was born in Warrington ,England,and have duel citizenship due to my dad was in the military,and i was born on a Army base!!!
Just a little info on me.
Ya know u can get yogurt butter and its healthier 4 u,and u wont feel guilty.
I am a strict Veggie,and can’t eat protien of any kind.I’m PKU,and it BITES!!!!!
So i eat alot of veggies.Like Avacado salads,cucomber sandwiches,soups,and alot of bread.It s very hard 4 me to gain any weight.
I get threats all the time from my Drs. saying if i go under a certain weight they’ll hospitlize me.
NOT FUN!!!!They put u in a Mental Health Ward with a bunch of fruit cakes…..
That is always keeping puting something in my mouth!!!!!
Don’t give in.Thats what SHE wants u to do.
Be proud of who u are,and its ok to be scared.WE ALL ARE!!!!
That is what makes US real,and staying in recovery.
REMEMBER 1 BITE AT A TIME OR 1 DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!Sometimes it can even feel like 1 minute at a time.Remember i’m here 4 u,and if u have something u want to get off ur chest……
GO FOR IT!!!!!!
FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
xoxoxo
xoxooxox
798 bob // Nov 13, 2008 at 10:15 pm

Hi i was just wondering if anyone has ever tried hypnotherapy? I have heard that it is a treatment for eating disorders. I have heard the therapist gets to the root of the problem and helps to change your feelings about it and how everything started and begins to make changes in the subconscious that eventually become present in the everyday consciousness
799 Megan // Nov 13, 2008 at 10:21 pm

hi Everyone!

And welcome Charlotte! How is everyone doing these days? I hope ok!! Charlotte, just a suggestion.. have u tried writing urself a letter 2 annorexia? Or a poem or something 2 get your feelings off ur mind?? I did that when I first diagnosed and it HELPED ALLOT!! I am at the stage now where I am almost full recovery. I hardly count calories any more and don’t exercise really either. I hate not feeling in control again. I really do! But u know what? I feel healthy! And I think I finally have found myself along this road I have been traveling on. I think there’s a point that we come 2 where we must see the end , or we finally just decide 2 listen 2 our bodies. Charlotte, listen 2 ur body! It gives u little signs telling u that really, it’s dying inside!! Annorexia is a slow suicide our bodies try 2 commit. We need 2 fuel our bodies in order 2 live. We are young and have sooo much going 4 ourselves!! It’s just a stupid voice, and a voice can so eaisly be turned 2 a whisper and in time that whisper can evantually disappear. You just have 2 beieve in urself and let ur body trust YOU again!! I hope this helps? If you ever want 2 tlk I have email, facebook, and MSN!! take care xoxo
800 Tracie // Nov 13, 2008 at 11:13 pm

Hi Megan,
U sound like ur doing great.That is AWESOME!!!,and ur right that little voice inside our heads will eventually go to a whisper,and it will disappear.WE just cannot give up.WE all deserve to eat ,and enjoy it.
As for being young though i may have to differ on that one.LOL
But hey i am young at heart,and always will be.

Take Care Honey.Keep up the great job.

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
xooxo
xoxoxo
801 Megan // Nov 14, 2008 at 9:14 am

Hey Tracie,
Well, the recovery process 4 me just seems soooo fast. And I can’t believe I am doing it all on my own without the help of a docotor. But I am really glad I have u guys for support because my parents just don’t understand AT ALL! Plus, the thing thats motivating me 2 get better is the fact that I am going 2 college next year and I want 2 prove 2 them that I am in fact ready , and am over my annorexia. But I am scared for college because I am worried it may come back again. And lately I am feeling as if I am going from one extreme 2 the other from Annorexia, to a binge eating disorder HELP!!! I can’t stop binging on sweet foods. I hate not feeling in control agian. And my weight is still flacuating up and down I HATE IT!! It will go up like 4 or 5 pounds than back down again. I just wish I would be balanced. And I am starting 2 weigh myself again. I know it’s a bad habbit. I am going 2 try and get out of this…
802 Shannon // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:30 am

Hey Everyone!

Megan-I am so proud of you! Its such an accomplishment that you have been able to beat ana on your own! Use your college as motivation, that has really helped me, because I know if I’m not healthy and strong then there’s no way I can do well in nursing school. And don’t weigh yourself…it’s not worth it! I made the mistake of weighing myself last week and it got me down for a little bit but then I realized that I’m more than a number and why do I even care about that? So don’t go back to weighing yourself, keep fighting! And don’t worry about the feelings of binging, those get less and less the farther along in recovery you get. I use to have those all the time because our bodies are so starved of food, but now that I’ve been doing well for quite awhile I don’t get them nearly as often. They told me in treatment that the reason we binge on things is because our bodies still aren’t sure that we’re going to eat on a regular basis, so when we do put something in our mouths, our brains are thinking “oh I’ve got to get as much as I can, because who knows how long it will be again before she feeds me again.” But once your brain and your body realize you are going to keep fueling it on a regular basis your urges to binge will get less. Don’t worry! Keep up the good work!

Bob-I think its wonderful that you’re trying to understand more about eating disorders for your friend! I haven’t tried hypnotherapy but it would be worth a shot? Has your friend had any treatment or does he/she even admit that they have an eating disorder? I know it was really tough for my friends and family to understand my eating disorder because you just don’t get it unless you’ve gone through it. Is your friend considering the hypnotherapy? It definitely couldn’t hurt!

Aliyah-Congrats on the weight and getting your period back! That is great news. You have been such an inspiration to me throughout all of this. You are so strong and positive, I definitely owe you a big THANK YOU!!!!!

Charolette-I know exactly how you feel. You know what you need to do to get better and healthy but you just can’t get yourself to do it. That’s how I was before I went into treatment. I knew that starving myself and working out so much was wrong, yet I couldn’t force myself to stop that behavior. I think it would be a good idea for you to see a counselor. But I really think that family/friend support is definitely a key thing to getting better. Another thing that was really hard for me was to admit that I couldn’t beat this on my own and that I needed help, because I’ve always been an independent person and able to fix my own problems. But it seemed like once I admitted I had a problem and that I needed help to fix it, things just got easier. It was such a relief to tell that to my mom, because I knew I was on the road to recovery. I think you should tell your family that you’re struggling. They won’t look at you as a failure, I promise! They will look at you as strong, for admitting that you need some help…it takes a big person (no pun intended) to be able to admit when they need help. Your family will do nothing but help you get better. And I bet you’ll feel better knowing that you have other people on your side, fighting with you, to beat Ana.

Tracie-Where is your new job at?

As for me, I’m doing much better. I got over the weight thing pretty quickly and moved on back to my happy, hungry self I’ve mentioned before that I’m in nursing school, so I see a lot of my counselors from the eating disorder program everyday at school. I love to see them so they can see how great I’m doing and how good I look. It really keeps me going to hear them tell me that I look great and that I’m doing well.
Keep up the good work everyone!!!!
803 Tracie // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:37 am

Hi Megan,
first of all congrats on going to college.U will do fine!!!!
Just remember to tell ur self u are better than that little voice inside.
I tend to have the same problem with sweet items too.This is what i do i actually will hide it from myself,and limit the sweet stuff.
Girl i can go to town ,and before i know it i have eaten a whole box of cookies.
I would say try to replace some of ur sweet tooths with fruit.That is exactly what i do ,cause i think then of getting a crap load of cavities.
So i’ll eat strawberries,peaches,and then if i want sugar i will go for toast w/butter(a little),and springle powdered sugar.Plus u don’t feel guilty,and its healthier than regular sugar.
Sweetie u should be VERY PROUD OF UR SELF!!!Ur doing a wonderful job.
Go into college kinda like owning the place.
I know sounds conceded,but when was the last time u flaunted just urself?
U have alot to be proud of ,and ur journey is expanding.Also u may want to talk w/other people @ ur college about ur experiences w/Ana.I know u would be an inspiration to alot if young people out there.

Keep Up The Great Job!!!!!

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
oxoxo
xooxox
804 Tracie // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:57 am

Hi Shannon,
How r u?U sound great!!!!
As for my new job.I did not take it ,cause my daughter needs me to help her with her schooling.We are brand new to our area,and she is having a hard time adjusting,and i just feel that she needs her Mom more than i need a job!
There has been a couple of girls at her school calling her FAT,and it breaks my heart,and i am the type of Mom to go to the school physically and take care of it.
My biggest fear is having her turn out like me!
WOW i didn’t realize how upset i actually am as i cry typing this to u all.
Please Keep her in ur prayers.I see no signs at this time plus i keep close tabs on her.
I just tell her God made us all different,and wouldn’t it be a boring place if we all looked the same!She’s 10 yrs old ,and the love of my life,and very impressionable.I wont allow anyone to talk down about her at all!
I get very involved w/every part of her childhood,and going into tween life.
Do i sound over protective girls?
If u guys have any words of encouragement
4 her please let me know!
This is one of my biggest fears…….

So i wont work.Not until she has graduated from high school,and goes to college.
I am actually going to her school today to speak to her classes about Anorexia,and the affects that name calling can have on someone.(internally).
Anyways Take care Shannon,and Thanks For Asking.

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,

Tracie
xoxoxo
x0xoxoxo
805 Aliyah // Nov 14, 2008 at 3:48 pm

megan- heyy ho wu been?? sounds really good to me!!!! ino how u feel, i mean i dnt relaly count or exercise, and my bodies chancged a lot, but i feel better , healthier, and happieer, and plus ilove food too much to ever give it up!! just to say keep fighting, and stay strong!!!

shannon awww well done!! yeah uve been a great inspiration to me too. i mean u did amazing!! just stay focused and strong too. anorexia can be completely cured!
im studyin psychology at uni and the mind, and it amazes me how powerful it is, anorexia just attacks it

keep going girls
806 Megan // Nov 14, 2008 at 9:53 pm

Tracie,
Thanks for giving me a little more confidence in myself. I think that through my struggle with Annorexia, I have gained more confidence than ever before. It has taught me allot!! So I guess the binging is just normal eh? I just wish it will stop!! Because I am sooo scared that I will gain a whole wack of weight. Before I was exercising it all off, but I don’t do that any more. So its hard!! Aw, I am really really sorry about your daughter. Reading your note reminded me of myself as a kid. I was ALWAYS made fun of and bullied. I was a chubby kid 2. It left scars on me. Some days I would even fake sick just 2 get away from it all. I HATED it! All I can suggest is keep on telling your daughter how everyone is unique and no one is the same. Just try and boost her confidence. And always tell her that it’s the inside that counts! I hope that works. I know EXACTLY what she is going through!! Girls are sooo cruel!! If it gets out of hands you might have 2 take it 2 the princible. I know thats what my parents always did. Or they would phone the kids parents. That usually solved the problem. But girls especially around that age, are going through allot. It’s just stages that’s all. It evantually will stop. Just stay strong!! xo

Aliyah,
I’ve been doing amazing thanks!! I just am over whelmed with how well the recovery is going 4 me. And instead of the stupid voice telling me to stop eating, or to not eat a certain thing it’s telling me now it’s ok to eat and it’s ok to be and feel normal again. I guess it’s good in a way. But I do wish I was more in control again!! Oh wow that’s awesome ur studying psychology!! I am currently taking that in highschool. I find it sooooo interesting 2! And right now I am doing an essay on Bulima. I was going 2 do it on Annorexia but I’ve had enough of that! Lol. hope all is well!! xo
807 Tracie // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:58 pm

Thanks Megan 4 ur kind words for my daughter.
She is my world,and these girls don’t realize what i woud actually do or say.So i went up to the school today,and had a little talk with the entire group.They looked a little scared of me.Probablly cause i told them”I am not from a cheesy little town with a bunch of homey kids!We are from the city ,and her dad,and i know how to handle girls like you .I know where u live ,and u don’t want me coming over 1 night when u least expect it do you ?”
They immediatly appologized to Gabby ,then Gab came home saying “Mom all those girls like me we played all day ,and at lunch time we ate together.”I told her see baby everyone is different,and that is a GOOD THING!!!
I also told the girls about myself,and how i suffer with Ana.They all looked surprised,and i told them “Watch ur words even if ur playing u can really damage someone inside for life”.Then i asked would that be ok to do to one of u girls?
No i don’t think so!!!!

I think i fixed the problem.Plus it is such a small
school 55- 5th graders total in entire school.
So everyone knows everyone,which is real good.

I keep telling Gabby she is soooo beautiful,and kind.We were talking this evening about different kinds of parents ,and how everyone parents differently.I told her some things about my dad,and my little Angel drew me a beautiful
Rose that was crying for you mom,she said.
God she’s sooooo loving,and believe me Megan my childhood sucked,and carried on until the birth of my daughter,and i left 4 good.

Also honey u r in control w/ur eating u know why,cause u see it but u don’t go over board.
Just like me.I may eat a box of cookies,but then i will realize it ,and eat some fruit,and it makes me mentally feel better.

2 nite i had a salad w/cucombers/carrots/onions/avacados w/ranch dressing,and pasta w/marinara sauce.
Don’t forget garlic bread too w/butter.

That has been 1 of my biggest dinners in a long time.Now i have to tell myself to eat 2morrow or
i will feel i have eaten enough 4 all weekend.(Cause of the calories) Still in the back of my head……

Have a great night Megan.Keep fightin’ the fight!!!!

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
oxooxx
xooxoxo
808 Aliyah // Nov 15, 2008 at 2:59 am

megan- aww im sooooo happy for u !!! ino recovery is the best when u ea lots and u feel better. honesntly i can feel my mind functionin properly agen!! its great isnt it?
oo and pyshcology, yeh its reall interesting!
but uno im readina book just now on eating habits and when we have ana we are not in control, cause were listenin to her! when we listen to ourselves and eat what we want, that is TRUE control
keep doing what ur doing!!
2days my first day of a new job, in a clothes shop! im excited, and i have the enegy and lif ein me to do it!!

lifes good

xx
809 Megan // Nov 15, 2008 at 11:16 pm

Tracie,
Aww I am sooo happy 4 ur daughter!! That’s great 2 hear the bullying has stopped. Girls seem 2 be like that especially in public school. Trust me, once your daughter hits highschool, she will most likely never be bullied again because all the immaturity stops. I am so free now from all the bullying!! Girls just evantually grow out of it and mature. So how are you doing? I am doing well thanks. O gosh I am in my baking mood again! AHH! I am baking choc. chip cookies. It seems like I am eating NON-STOP! Expecially on the weekends. Uggg!! HELPP!! I can’t control it!! But I am gonna try and subsitute my sweet tooth like u said, for some fruit maybe? I lovee fruit 2! Especially now that the little oranges are in!! yummy!

Aliyah,
Aww I’m sooooo happy 4 u 2!! :D:D And wow congrats on getting a job!! I still really need a job! Lol. But it is sooo hard for me because I live in a small town. And I don’t have my full drivers liscence yet so once I get that it will give me more oppurtunities. It does feel great 2 not hear the voices any more. Well, I some times do now and again but I try 2 ignore it the best way I can. But just this weekend I feel like it might be coming back again. I can’t stop weighing myself, and I am starting 2 exercise again. YIKES!! I’m also stairing @ my body wayy 2 much in the mirror. Well, I tend 2 everyday. Who can’t? And I look and feel sooo flabby and as if i am getting fat again. With all this eating, I am afraid I will make myself obese again. I know it probably isnt possible but even though I have gained a few pounds I am trying 2 keep my weight maintend hoping that it won’t go any higher!! Anyways, I hope all is well. Ttyl bye xoxo
810 Tracie // Nov 15, 2008 at 11:52 pm

Hi Megan,
Thanks for the comments on my daughter.
What was funny is after school the same group came up to gabby ,and said (Your Mom is so cool to Protect you like that We wish our moms did that).Megan i felt so bad for the girls who said that,and they did not realize i heard what they said.So i said to the girls(I protect all kids who need it,and my daughter is number 1 on that list just like you guys would be.)They didn’t know what to say..So i said Have a great weekend!!!
Ya know it made me a little sad,but i can protect when its needed too.
Now As for food and talking about Chocolate chip cookies.I made a plate of Salsa chips,and avcado w/top ramen&ketchup,then had Sugar cookies,then Sherbert.
I totally feel i over did it.OOOHHH,Then on top of that halloween candy.I actually had to hide the bag from myself.(IS THAT BAD?)

So i think you are doing awesome,and don’t tell ur self different.
REMEMBER WE DESERVE IT!!!!!!
I guess even if i get a belly ache.LOL

Take care Sweetie!!!!!Keep up the great work!!!
YOU ROCK!!!!!

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
xoxox
xoxoxox
811 Aliyah // Nov 16, 2008 at 3:33 am

megan- hey sweety . uno what, i feel like u sumtimes, like all flabby and horrible, ino my bodies changes butuno what, anything we see in the mirror is not a true reflection. iwas talkin to sumone about it last nite, anorexics see a MUCH bigger body than what it truely is. belive me, ur much thinner than u think u are, so dnt give in to that voice and start going bak to weighing and exercising, ur losing control that way.
eating and food is crucial to a healthy mind, when u have a healthy mind, ull begin to see ur body as it truely is, cause sumtimes i look in the mirrow n see a thin person, but sumtimes fat. that tells u that anorexia is still playin with us.
dont let her!!!

xxx
812 Megan // Nov 16, 2008 at 8:26 pm

Tracie,
Ur welcome. I hope your daughter is ok now. Like I said, I wouldn’t be 2 worried about it as girls her age tend 2 bully each other and vice versa. They’ll get over it sometime don’t worry! So how was ur weekend? Omg we got snow here today!! And it was perfect seeing as it was the santa clause parade in Toronto. All weekend long I have just been stuffing my face full of sweet stuff! AHHH!! Last night 4 instance I made choc. chip cookies and ended up eating most of them! I have a habit for baking. As soon as I bake something I just end up eating it! And now my weight I feel is cathing up! My weight keeps on going up. I just can’t control my cravings!! I guess its good that I am eating but it’s not normal eating it’s just like constint bingeeating. I do this late at night on the weekends when my parents r in bed. I just feel like I am going from one extreme to the other!!

Aliyah,
Ur right our mind is always playing tricks on us. Some days I will in fact see a really thin person if I am at my lowest weight and other days when my weight is high I will see myself as being fat and ugly. But than theres the days where I actually love my body and say “wow I am looking really good!” But all this weekend I feel terrible!! I have been baking and eating sooo much!! Do u ever get 2 the point where u eat sooo much when u feel like ur gonna be sick? Well, that’s how much eating i have been doing!! And it’s just constint binge eating even though I am full and feel sick a new voice comes along forcing me 2 eat more and more and more. I don’t know how 2 control it! I don’t want 2 become obese like I was b4 I am sooo afrad thats what my body is trying 2 do. I dont think its possible but I am just afraid.
813 Aliyah // Nov 17, 2008 at 8:48 am

megan- i no wxactly how uf eel, but uno we may think we have ‘fat days’ and days were we feel we look skinny and days we like what we see, but uno, our bodies just the same on all the days its jus our perception that changes. Binge eating is normal in recovery, its cause ur body has been so deprived, it does stop when ur body trusts u agen, so dnt panic about it. you wont become obese , when ur body trusts u agen, it wnt have urges to binge anymore. promise..dnt feel bad cause u ate ok hun. last nite i went out for a meal with my bf, i ate the whole plate, of this rice dish, and it was huge. i felt bad after, but after a while it passed and i ate later on! so honestly, just listen to ur body and feed it ok. and uno 80% of what u eat, gets used for repair and maintence of the body as well as makin it function well, u ower urbody lots of food seeing as we need sooo much repair!!

p.s. dnt weigh urself, ur more than a number!! and also feelings are not facts!
814 Lulu // Nov 17, 2008 at 9:40 am

Hello Everyone,

I’m sorry to have been out of touch. Just to touch on a few of your subjects-Traci, your love for your daughter is inspiring. I can really imagine it because you exhibit so much empathy and care for us here in this forum. And thanks for the info on Rogaine. I didn’t tell you guys but my hair is falling out in clumps. Megan-congrats on college! I’m jealous!

When I last wrote I was upset and had lost my appetite,but soon after it came back with a vengeance and for some reason all I wanted was junk food. Lots of it. I don’t purge(strictly ana) so it’s been pretty upsetting because the weight comes on. I weighed myself at a friend’s house last night and it said 106 but it HAS to be wrong. I must weigh at least 112-I can feel it.

For all you sweettooths and people who are feeling out of control, I know how hard it is. But keep coming here(don’t be like me and disappear for days!) Tracie, Megan and Aliyah have alot of wisdom to share. Just hearing that others crave junk made me feel less like a freak. I’ve managed to get things under control by making sure I treat myself really well when I eat,i.e. eating off of really lovely china as opposed to eating all of the donuts out of the box! Now if I want a donut I put just one on a little china plate and have tea or coffee with it. I also find drinking water with lemon helps. Duh! AND….I’ve adopted a kitten! She’s very scared and was traumatized so I am happy to be able to care for her and it’s therapeutic too!
Take care everyone. I will do yoga today and keep you all in my thoughts during the practice.
Lulu
815 Aliyah // Nov 17, 2008 at 12:01 pm

lulu heyy love! how u been? the fact is ur not fat! and u wnt get fat! u saw that ur weight isnt as high as u think, because of course that isnt gd enuff for ana, but ur more than anumber!! just eat lots and enjoy ur food! u have to have food for energy ive been studyin it in biology, its sooo important, food is not eaten so u get fat, its to make u work internally!! u need it! its good u treat urself, do it all the time i just had a huge dnner, and biscuits after and i got an ana thought, but i dnt care cause it was so tastty and i feel better now!! wooop!
healthy n happpyyy
816 Shay // Nov 17, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Hey girls! Its been awhile since I have posted. I have enjoyed reading your posts and they make so much sense when I am reading them, but after is when I start doubting myself. I have just started dating again after my divorce and I am so afraid that the weight that I gained is way way too much and that I need to start restricting again!! There are days when I feel ok and think that I can go back to what I was doing, but that only seems to last for a few days and then I BINGE!!! Then I hate myself afterwards and start over the next day. I have started training for a marathon and on the days of my really long runs it seems really hard not to eat. I try counting calories but if I go over 450 then I freak out and think that I have screwed the day up and its driving me crazy!!! I have gained back a ton of weight (I weighed in at my sisters) and I feel disgusting but eveyone is telling me that I look great. I hear them say it but I think they are saying that just because they don’t want to hurt my feelings saying “holy cow look how much weight you have gained!!!” HELP!!!!!!!!!
817 Aliyah // Nov 17, 2008 at 1:15 pm

shayy- 450 calories is noooooooothing! thats sooo little u need alot more than that!!!its really good ur bak to dating, doing normal things and guys pprefer anice normal girls with sum skin on them! not stick thin ill ones that wnt eat anything!!no one is thinkin u look fat, everyone is happy u are gaining and being the real you!!
enjoy it an enjoy food, and if ur trainin then u need ALOT of food!!

xx
818 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Hi Girls,
LuLu How ya doin?Remember sweetie put on about 4-5lbs if ur wearing clothes,and shoes.
But it doesn’t matter that is a great weight.
U girls are such an inspiration.it sweird i feel i connect more with ya’ll then my own age.
They just seem so old .LOL,and i,m not.At least inside i feel that way.
U guys enjoy ur food.Remember WE ARE WORTH EVERY BITE!!!!!
WE CAN DO IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!
We are all worth it,and and Ana is in the gonna be LONG GONE!!!!

Keep it goin’ girls!!!!!
WE ROCK ,AND LOVE FOOD!!!!!

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
819 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Hi Shay,
Sweetie first of all all the running u do u are burning off all the calories u have eaten .That is why u are hungry.You shouldn’t be worried on weight gain when ur running as much as u are.
If u don’t keep ur appetite up ur looking at passing out while running,and u don’t want that.

As for ur family commenting on ur weight gain.
Mine does the same thing,and i’m not gonna lie it pisses me off.
Sometimes i just don’t want to hear the comments,but what if they didn’t care at all?or
U looked invisible to them?
Wouldn’t that hurt more?
Ya know my dad just died 1 year ago in Sept.,and he never said I LOVE U TO ME.
I found out why,and he’s lucky hes not alive.
Don’t have anger like i do.It eats me up everday of my life!!!!!!

I was NEVER protected as a child off of my parents.Thats probablly why I LOVE MY DAUGHTER SO MUCH!!!!!
How can anyone treat a child the way mine did?

They LOVE YOU SWEETHEART!!!!!
LET THEM!!!!!

As always,
FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
820 Shay // Nov 17, 2008 at 2:32 pm

I currently weigh 131 pounds, I have gained about 30 all together. Its awful!!! I feel disgusting and look awful!!! I know that I have gained back way too much!!! I seem to have no more self control and I can’t stop eatting!!!
821 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 3:06 pm

Hi Shay,
Ur weight is a great weight.I would kill to be that weight.(Not litterally)
Now listen if ur not happy with what ur eating,then start eating friuts,and veggies more.
Also if u work out the weight u gained is muscle mass,and that love is good for u.
U arte rebuilding ur muscles in which u have damaged fromthe Bitch in ur head.
REMEMBER U ARE STRONGER THAN HER!!!!
U need the muscle mass in order not to get osteopersious.That disease will make ur bones break at the littlest thing u do.

What u are doing is good for u!!!!
Please don’t forget that.

As always,
FriendsForever&ForeerConnected,
Tracie
oxoxoox
xoxoxoox
822 Megan // Nov 17, 2008 at 4:49 pm

Hi everyone!!
How is everyone doing? I’m not doing so well. I weighed myself this morning (I know I gotta stop!) and after all the bingeeating I did this weekend I ended up gaining 7 pounds. AHH!! HELP ME!!! :(:( I almost burst into tears.I feel like my annorexia is comming back again, even though these past months have been going so well 4 me. But now I feel the need 2 restrict. I am hoping it is just water weight , or my weight flactuating agian like it goes 2-4 lbs in a week. Does this happen 2 any of you?? You can gain as much as 7 lbs? Will this go away? I want my weight back!! I even have been exercising again. I’m freaking out sooo much!! I feel like I am caught between becoming obese again or going annorexic. I just am hoping that this is just water weight or something?? uggg…
823 Charlotte // Nov 17, 2008 at 7:17 pm

Helllooo evry1! hows evry1 doing?gud i hope?
Tracie-yes the UK how u guess lol i live in England in a place called Manchester. ive heard of warrington..how long did u live there for then?
its sooo true wat u sed about my mum noing that im not FINE even tho i say i am, i can tell this just from the look on her face. I no she is really worried about me and i feel so selfish and wish that i wasnt putting her threw this…i think thats partly the rsn i find it hard 2 open up because i dont want 2 worry her even more! saying that, today i came 2 an agreement wiv myself..i had 2 let my mum in at least abit more on how i was feeling. thats wat i did, even tho i found it scary! i didnt go into huge detail i just let her no that i am still struggling and i have better days than others. she spoke 2 me about getting help elsewhere, if i didnt think i could do it with family support alone! i began to speak less n less..i think the reality of my problem was just getting to much 2 cope with. i told her i would think about it tho and she sed she would ask me again in a few days! my food intake has still been minimal however after the talk with my mum 2day i felt i had to eat not just for me but also for her..as i no it must be hard for a mum 2 watch her daughter destroy herself mentally and physically! so i actually made tea for both me and my mum (2 different meals) but my mum was just happy to see me have something! talking of mothers and daughters u sound like such a strong, loving mother and i am so proud of the way you stuckup for your daughter and spoke out 2 those other children..that takes guts girl!! so well done =-) try and think back to times like this when u are having bad ana moments..look how strong you were in the defense of your daughter, she needs u..the healthy you, your daughters the only girl you need in your life, ANA is just some bitch that is trying to suck the life from you and you/we cant let this happen! you have come so far, stay positive, stay healthy but most of all stay true to yourself.
im here if you want 2 talk
charlotte xxx
824 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 7:45 pm

Hi Charlotte,
I kew it.My Nan (may she rest in piece)Lived in Manchester,and had a sweet shop.
I lived in Warrington a short time.When i was born i was born with PKU,and the UK didn’t know much about it sooooo my parents moved to the US when i was just days old.
I’ve had my Dr(for PKU) since 1969,and i still see him.Crazy HUH!!LOL

I have my Cousins and Uncle in York.So i try to go back often to visit.
I actually miss it alot.I remember going to Rylands Wreck as a kid w/my Cousin and getting into alot of trouble.(The good Ole days)
Can i ask u Charlotte how old u are?
Yeah our Mums can read and see straight thru us,but i saw what i was doing to my Mum.Emotionally ,and that killed me more.
So that is when i went inpatient at a hospital in Sacramento Ca.Between my Mum,Husband,and The love of my Daughter i knew i had to fight this inner Bitch.
I’m not gonna lie somedays seem alot easier than others.Today is one of the hard days.
I found out i need to go to the doctors tomorrow.
My PKU Dr. Thinks my brain is swelling.Great huh!!!
How do u hide tears from ur daughter!!!!
I,ve been crying all day and i tell her i have a headache,which i do.
Right now she is brushing my hair to relax my head. Ya see even when i’m not fighting Ana i feel like theres something else in my life i have to deal with.
What the HELL is swelling in the brain anyways.
I DON’T GET IT WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN.I wonder how long i’m gonna live…..
If i will live to see my daughter graduate,go to college,and get married,and have kids.

SEE GIRLS YOUU HAVE ALOT TO LIVE FOR,AND I ACTUALLY DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I’VE GOTTEN LEFT….

PLEASE TAKE EVERDAY LIKE A MIRACLE…
BE HAPPY TO BE ALIVE…..
YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHEN IT WILL ALL END,AND I’M ONLY 40 YRS OLD.

Take Care,and Always,

FriendsForever&ForeverConnected,
Tracie
oxoxoxo
xoxoxoxo
825 Charlotte // Nov 17, 2008 at 7:47 pm

hi megan how u doing, hope ur staying strong and kicking ANAS BUT!
Thanks for your encouragement and all your kind words they really do inspire me to beat this damm thing!!! you seem like you have been doing really well so DO NOT go back and start restricting. you have made all the right steps so far, your body is becoming stronger..dont let ana pull you back down, dont let her win! i understand how you feel when u gain a few pounds because i go threw exactly the same thing, but we need 2 stay strong, dont look at it as gaining extra weight look at it as gaining your life back, your OWN mind back and getting shut of the BITCH FOR GOOD!!. Then u really will be in control! as for yourweight fluctuating, this is completely normal,not just for those struggling with anorexia but for everyone, many things can determine how much you weigh from day to day, water weight,clothing etc…but at the end of the day you wasnt happy when the number on that scale was higher or when it was lower, this just shows how ana seriously plays mind games and just how evil and controlling she is! dont live your life as a number, just live and be free, life is there to be lived and enjoyednot to be restricted and controlled so go enjoy it girl! dammm y cant i listen 2 my own advice lol funny how clued up we all are on what she is doing to us yet we still find it hard to walk away from without a struggle, for now tho i am just trying to stay strong for myself and allthose who care about me in the hope that 1 day i will be totally free of THIS! right now full recovery will seem like so far away but with each step we take we are steadily getting closer. although for me at the moment it seems like im takin 1 step forward and 2 steps back =-s the though of any extra weight just scares the life out of me, at the moment im at the bottom of a very deep hole and cant seem 2 find any way of getting myself out =-(
ifyou want 2 chat dont hesitate im here..stay strong. Charlotte xxx
826 Tracie // Nov 17, 2008 at 10:57 pm

I THINK I PUT EVERYONE IN SHOCK!!!!!!
SORRY…….

T
827 Aliyah // Nov 18, 2008 at 8:49 am

megan- its water weight. uc ant put on a real 7 pounds in such little time!! belive me, its not a true reflection. thats how much weight flunctuares naturally in a day!!! so sewriously, relax about it, and keep eating ur not gna get obese! ino thats a scary thing for u but stay strong. scales are for fish!it used to ha[[en to me, and i used to freak out and want to break down, but now i dont do it! i get weighe dlike once a month and thats because thats a more true and accurate number than if i did it once a week!

dnt restrict thats ana, keep eating normally its not real weight hun

xx
828 Megan // Nov 18, 2008 at 8:05 pm

Charlotte,
Thank you soo much 4 ur sweet kind words of encoragement. I was doing sooo well. But this week ever since I did the stupid idea of weighing myself I ended up falling back into anas trap again. I’ve been restricitng and cutting back on my food and everyday after school I’ve been exercising. The stupid voice has come back saying “Omg! Look what youve done! You have gained weight! WE HAVE 2 do something about it!!” Ugg. I’m trying 2 listen 2 the real me and my real voice. 7 lbs does feel like allot 2 put on so I am hoping it is just water weight!! I just feel so terrible!!! But I know I will get through this. I really don’t wanna loose myself again…But its really hard 4 me cause b4 annorexia hit I was obese. That’s really what started it all 4 me. Anyways, thx again. Your so kind 4 listening. And I am always here 4 u 2!! xoxo

Aliyah,
Thanks for making me feel better. I thought 7 lbs was a little too much as well. And I’m soo stupid 4 weiging myself constintly. I was so upset with myself how much weight I had gained that I let that stupid voice come back 2 me agan. Like I was telling Charoltte, I’ve been restriscing and exercising trying 2 loose it again. I just hate it how much we flacuate. Ugg.
When does ur weight generaly stop flactuating?? Do you find u have a steady number now?? Anyways, thx again. I’ll try 2 stay strong and realise that I AM MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER!!! xoxo
829 Aliyah // Nov 19, 2008 at 9:00 am

megan- uno what, that voice comes to me when i weigh myself too and i hate it. and i realised im happier and eat more when i dnt do it, so honestly jus thrw he scales away or put them away and weigh urself ocasionaly if at all. Normal people flunctuate that much! uno when a wman get sher perid she can ‘put on’ up to 7 pounds, and no one notices cause its really so little!! we will always flunctuate with food and water . its natural so it wnt stop, but it helps to not weigh urself. i mean im sure mines does, but weighin myself once a month
just try it hehe

xx
830 Sarah Marie // Nov 23, 2008 at 9:03 am

Hey!
How is everyone doing? I hope well.
Give me the latest update please.

As for me, I’m on the right track.
This past week I was able to add two snacks. One in between breakfast and lunch and another between lunch and dinner. And of course my evening snack like always.
For some reason adding the snacks have always been a real struggle for me. But I finally just decided one morning, what the heck, im gonna do it.
And ya know what?
It wasn’t bad at all.
It felt soooo good to give my body the extra calories and nutrients it needs.
So if any of you are still debating on adding in your snacks during the day just try it one day and i promise you your body will thank you and love you so much for it!
Tell me how it goes..

Turkey day next week. I’m sooo excited =D
How is everyone feeling about that?

I know I will eat well because I just can’t resist all the good food. Yumm. I just hope I don’t feel the need to restrict or exercise before the big meal
Wish you all luck.

-SarahMarie
831 Lulu // Nov 23, 2008 at 4:32 pm

Hello Sarah Marie,

Congrats with your addition of snacks. That’s great. And don’t worry if you get o a point where you think you’re eating too much. You’ll reach a point where your body will become comfortable finally and you’ll feel more in control. That’s where I am. For a while I was very scared about gaining too much.

I don’t really have family for Thanksgiving this year so I’m thinking of volunteering somewhere locally. I’m not really nervous about eating. Actually,something stressful happened a couple of nights ago and my appetite vanished. These days I’m more afraid of not eating than eating!

Take care and have a wonderful holiday. You’re on the right track.
Lulu
832 Aliyah // Nov 24, 2008 at 9:05 am

sarah marie- hey well done on ur snacks!!! eating regulary is so good for u, and uno what, it will help speed ur metabolism up!! i used to find adding snacks really hard, but now i snack all the time keep adding and eating

lulu- try not to let stress or anthing upset ur appetite. its something u must overcome, the body is so fragile it needs food all the time.

as for me , im great guys! hope everyone else is good. just been at uni, being more social and life is good. i love food, i cud never deprive myself agen!! way to tasty lol

xx
833 Megan // Nov 28, 2008 at 10:12 pm

Hey Everyone!!
How are you all doing? If your American than I hope u had a very Happy Thanksgiving and didn’t deprive urselves @ all and ate all the yummy foods u could!! Hehe. I have some really really exciting news 2 tell u all!! I’ve been published!!!!!! I entered a poem I wrote (about Annoerxia actually!) 2 a contest and it got choosen 2 be published out of thousands in a book called “Midnight Song” in bookstores this spring!! Isn’t that amazing!?? I’ll post the poem here 4 u guys 2 see cause it sends a strong message and kind of gives u hope 2 fight this!! I’ve been writing since I was 6 and dreaming of this ever since as well. It finally has come true!! I can’t believe it !!!! :D:D ok here it is tell me what ya think!!

Unattainable Beauty

Staring within the mirror, is a feeble stick thin girl.
Staring within the mirror, is an image so translucent that it’s barely even there.
Staring within the mirror, is a walking breathing corpse.
Staring within the mirror, is a girl with dull red hair.
Staring within the mirror, are her faded emerald eyes.
Staring within the mirror, are the artificial words which invade her soul and mind.
Staring within the mirror, is a girl still searching for perfection.
Staring within the mirror, is the wholesome truth she sees as lies.
Staring within the mirror, is the beauty that is held abyss.
Staring within the mirror, is the demon in which had led her there.
Unattainable Beauty
834 Aliyah // Nov 29, 2008 at 2:50 am

megan- heyy !! aww well done on gettin ur beautiful peom published!! it great! did u have a gd thanksgiving? i dnt celebrate it but ive been doing really well, eating lots and enjoyinglife. exams soon though
hows college going?

xxx
835 Megan // Dec 4, 2008 at 10:07 pm

Aliyah,:)

Thanks for reading and glad u liked my poem! Oh no I didnt celebrate thanksgiving cause I am Canadian and we have ours in oct! Oh and I’m not in college yet I am still in my last year of highschool. Hehe. But just applied 4 college!! So how are you doing these days? Still staying strong I hope? Keep fighting and staying strong. xoxo!!
836 hemp88 // Dec 4, 2008 at 11:50 pm

hi guys this is my first time to post here…ive been restricting for about 2 years and have just finally admitted to myself the problem and i just started an out patient group. how much more helpful is an in patient than out patient?
837 hemp88 // Dec 4, 2008 at 11:52 pm

hi guys this is my first time to post here…ive been restricting for about 2 years and have just finally admitted to myself the problem and i just started an out patient group. how much more helpful is an in patient than an out patient?
838 Aliyah // Dec 5, 2008 at 2:36 pm

hey hemp 88.
well don eon getting better, its the best thing u will ever ever ever do in ur life. getting better has made me a stronger person and i LOVE FOOD. its the best thing ever. just stay strong eat anything u want and never feel bad the voice is a lie.
i never went to in or oupatient, im doing it myself with support from everyone.

i can imagine they wud both be great help

xx
839 Aliyah // Dec 5, 2008 at 2:51 pm

megan- heyy dear!well done on applying to college then hop eu get in!!
ive been good!! exams are soon so been stressed but apart from that life is good with food! next weekend is my bfs bday so were all going out for a meal like his family too, so a big celebration and ill ave a big meal in front of everyone, which i was kinda scared about, bu uno what, who cares! its only food. and i feel sooo much better after eating dnt u?:D

how u beeen? eating well?
xx
840 help // Dec 6, 2008 at 1:00 am

Aliyah-
your words are so motivating! reading your posts are helping me so much to have faith and believe in my self. im so new to opening up to others about my real thoughts-about having an ED and about recovering from ana…i see a great therapist twice a week who i like very much and i know she can help i just find sometimes its tought to be open with her. was it hard for you to open up about the voice you had in ur head? also, i feel like now i have recovered a lot from the restricting part…i pretty much eat whenever i want…but the big problem is that i am sooooo picky. there is such a small variety of food i like and i eat the same things every day and find myself not liking anything else. i think ive tricked myself into thinking its bad for me. i havnt had any flour in sooo long and i seriously have to eat the same thing every day. i dont know how to change this behavior. helppppp please!!!!!! i cant go on like this but yet it seems impossible to try and change this habit

help’s last blog post..By: help
841 Aliyah // Dec 6, 2008 at 2:46 am

help- aww no bother ino what its like. its realllly hard at the start, but uno i was pickkky like really pivky too. and then i just though fuk this, i wanna eat more than just these few types of foods and i did, and i didnt get fat, and neither wil u!
ok theres still foods i find hard to eat or dont eat, but its about taking a fear food one at a time, and going why am i scared to eat this, and proving urself wrong, in that ull get fat cause u wont!
and remember any weight u gain, is not real weight, firstly a lot of it will be water and secondly, ur only REGANINING the weight u lost!

enjooy the food and live ur life, its way too short to be caught up in what to eat, lifes about moree

stay positive, and happy and enjoy ur meals ok?
xx
842 help // Dec 6, 2008 at 10:01 am

hey aliyah-
thanks your advice really means a lot. i have been trying lately and definately have regained almost all my weight which is great news althogh sometimes her voice in my head tells me to loose weight and restrict…..after going to group therapy for the first time i try to tell myself its her voice and not to listen and it has been helping a lot. the big problem is still the rigidity….its just the voice is sooo strong in my head right now about what to eat and when. i dont want it to control my life anymore. i feel like the more i push myself to eat other foods with people and eat a normal amount this will help. cause sometimes if i have been restircting..then start to eat anything….i eat wayyyy to much and get so bloated and then go back to bein rigid cause i think the new foods made me feel sick but really it was the massive amount at once.

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
843 Shannon // Dec 6, 2008 at 11:59 am

Hey girls!
Help-That’s so good to hear that you have regained your weight back!!! I have to and feel better than ever. Yes I was just like you and would eat, but only very few things. I would eat the exact same things everyday and had only a few “safe foods.” I would wander around grocery stores looking at all the things I really wanted, but knew I couldn’t force myself to eat. After awhile I tricked myself into thinking the healthy things were the only things that tasted good. When friends and family would offer me things like desserts or candy I would tell them I didn’t like that stuff, and I think I actually believed it for awhile myself, but it was just ana talking…because I LOVE desserts and candy and all the good stuff. I think Aliyah’s idea of making a list of foods that you haven’t had in a really long time and that you use to love is a really good idea! Also, something that helped me was that after I told my family about my eating disorder they started to recognize all the signs and my mom would just quit buying my “safe foods” from the store, and would sit with me while I ate my meals at home. At first I would get really upset and frustrated because I was eating my fear foods, but after awhile you just get use to it and realize that there’s really nothing wrong with eating all the good stuff, you’ve just got to keep pushing yourself. Now I don’t even eat my old “safe foods” and have no desire to because the truth is, they sucked!! There’s so much better food out there that I love now! It helped me a lot to have my friends and family there so I could see that they were eating the same stuff as me, and they aren’t fat. Maybe you could try to add in one or two things off your “fear food” list each day and cross off one thing from your safe food list. That way it would be smaller changes and not so overwhelming, but eventually you would be able to get rid of all your safe foods and try all your fear foods. There are still some things that I have a tough time eating, but there’s really not many at all. I know I could never go back to being anorexic because I love food so much now!!! Even when ana is trying to sneak back in my head and tell me I shouldn’t eat something, I can’t resist the delicious food and kick ana’s ass out of my head and eat it!!!! I was also so rigid with my “meals” like you! I woudl weigh/measure everything and would write down all the calories in everything before I ate it and would cut things up into a zillion pieces. I would always have to prepare my own food so I knew exactly what was in it and could have it the way I wanted it. It was all so stupid, and pointless but I felt like I had to do it so I could be in control. Now I don’t do any of that and I don’t miss it one bit! While I was anorexic I forgot what a “normal” meal even looked like. I would think that what was a really small amount to a normal person was really big for me, so I would go out to eat with my friends and usually atleast one of them would make sure to order the same thing as I would so I could see that my meal was the same size as theirs, and that it was normal. I owe a lot of my recovery to my friends and family, they were, and still are great support!! It was so hard for me to tell my friends at first. I remember when I told my best friend that I was just going to outpatient therapy. She did have an idea that something was going on with me but I think she was also too afraid to confront me about it. She knew that I needed to gain weight and one day when she asked I told her that no I hadn’t gained any weight because I’ve been having some issues with food but that I’m getting help for it. She was so sweet about it and willing to do anything she could to get me better. Then I ended up in the hospital and my other friends found out that way. My mom told my family members for me, which made it easier on me because that way I could still talk about things with them without actually having to say to all of them, “I’m anorexic.” I’ll be your friend has some idea that something is going on with you and I know she’ll be very understanding and supportive. Sorry I wrote so much, keep fighting and let us know how it goes when you tell your friend! Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!
844 Aliyah // Dec 6, 2008 at 1:13 pm

help- well done on regainig weight bak. and ino the voice can be so bad sumtimes, but uno what. it gets less!! belive me it does, and uno how? u have to not listen to it and eat and never retrict and it goes. i dnt get the voice like i used too, and its because i decided im not listenin to it, and i ate what i wanted. and u will not ever ever get fat from it, so enjoy life! remember theres more to life than ur size!!
the voice will go, as ur mind becomes healthy and nourished. lack of food, and the right foods, will make the voice stronger, thats why when an anorexic is at their thinnest, they feel so fat, and horribl, cause the voice is gna get stronger the less u eat.

xx
x
845 help // Dec 8, 2008 at 12:05 am

thanks girls! your advice and support helps soooo much. tomorrow is my first long day at IOP and it will be my first meal with people in a very very long time—2 years actually. im soooo nervous ahhh omg im terrified they will put something on the plate and i will freak. but i know i will sit there and eat it. and i will keep telling myself what u guys told me! i need to do this so her voice will fade away.
shannon- great idea! i took one of my safe foods out yesterday and today—- a bag of brussel sprouts….its a problem cause im pretty much addicted to them. i dont know if i like them cause they are a safe food or if i actually like the taste. right now i honestly dont really know what i like and what ana likes. i also added something new yesterday…..french onion soup with some bread. i hadnt had that in a while……..
i spent time with other girls from the IOP on saturday and for the first time in 2 years i actually kinda felt like i fit in and i enjoyed myself. when ana was at her strongest with u guys did u become really antisocial?? cause for the last 2 years i havnt really wanted to do anything. i mean occasionally ill have the desire to do something…..but other than going to buy food or makin food or working out i basically didnt wanna do anything. when u guys started to and did recover from ana did u become more social or were u always social even wit ana?
i just feel like sometimes around people without EDs its hard for me to connect because there is this other voice in my head that i feel like they cant understand and im afraid to tell them. if any of u guys did out patient did u get pretty close to the girls u were in ur group? i feel like the peers in my group could really help

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
846 Aliyah // Dec 8, 2008 at 3:17 am

help- i wish u lots of luck!! just go there and eat, it will make u better and think about a future with no ana. if u work extra hard now, ull reap the benefits!!

and no i became very unsocial when ig ot ana, cause i nver wanted to go out incase i encountered food, but im not like that anymore, cause ino ihad to overcome it.

but if u think about it, life is about going out socialising and eating different and new foods, dont deprive urself anymore, one ste at a time, get better and go at ur own slow pace . slowly but steady and u will get better.

good luck

xx
847 Shannon // Dec 8, 2008 at 11:10 am

Help-Awesome job on cutting out the brussel sprouts!!! I use to be that way with broccoli, I would eat it everyday and convinced myself that I LOVE it, which I do like it but its not anything great! Before I had anorexia I was very social and I was the one always joking around and making people laugh, and then when I got my ED I didn’t want to do anything besides look at food, work out, and sleep. I had no energy to do anything and I was scared to go out with my friends because I knew it would always involved food, and they were sick of hearing my excuses as to why I was eating. But I’m soooo glad to say that I’m back to my old self and love hanging out with my friends and being with my family. I felt so grouchy and not like myself when I had my ED. And yes, I got SO close to the girls in my group. We all knew exactly how the other was feeling and were all going through the same struggles. I feel like the girls in my group helped me recover more than the actual therapy did. They don’t judge you or put you down if you have a bad day, they just encourage you to do better and sympathize with you. I still talk to almost all the girls in my group and we all get together and go out to eat!!! Haha! Although I did have to quit hanging out with one of the girls because she was still stuck in her eating disorder and was really triggering for me, so I had to tell her that I couldn’t hang around her right now because I’m still so vulnerable and do NOT want to go back to that. So just make sure you surround yourself with positive people. And awesome job on the soup and bread, that’s wonderful!!! You are doing so well, keep it up girl!!!
848 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 12:17 am

thanks so much for sharing shannon. i feel the exact same as you used to with ED. i am trying to force myself to go out and distract myself from thinking about food but its so difficult. no matter where i am, who im with, or what im doin, after about an hour or two at the most i start to think about food again and i cant get it out of my head! i dont know how. how did you get the thoughts out? the positive thing is that i am at a normal weight- the only thing is i havnt had my period is over 2 years and it scares me…

help’s last blog post..By: help
849 Megan // Dec 20, 2008 at 11:08 am

help,
Hey! My name is Megan, I am 18 yrs old and curenttly am recovering from Anorexia. The thing for me is that I am at a healthy body weight as well, but I just tend to have it psychologically. My head will just keep on saying restrict! u need 2 exercise! what started mine is that I was at one time obese and what started out as a slow weight loss, just turned into an obsession! I started measuring, and counting all the calories I had eaten. I would exercise non-stop. Anorexia is not nice at all!! But I think I am getting over it! I have my good days and bad of course. I still get the thoughts 2! Have u tried writing? That always helps me! And I haven’t gotten my period in over a year either! But I am sure it will come back it just takes time!
If u ever wanna tlk I have facebook & msn or email any time! I’m always happy 2 tlk!
perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com
xoxo stay strong Help! we can beat this!!! :D:D
850 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 1:55 pm

Hey Megan! thanks for writing. ya the problem is same with me….its more psychological. i had the same thing as you with exercising and restritcting. i always have been active with sports…and then in 2006 i became obsessed with getting low body fat..and i restricted sooo much for about a year and a half intermittently and also exercised as much as a good. what is really bothering me though are my phsyical feelings….i started getting panic attacks about 9 months ago…and since then i freak out anytime i feel some physical pain. also some days i wake up and really really dont want to do anything or see anyone…and i feel sooo exhausted some times. it is soo strange cause ill be able to run 5 miles in less than 40 min for like 3weeks and then ill just crash. for the past month ive been havin an extra hard time…and feel tired a lot….do you experience this?

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
851 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 1:58 pm

also megan…. now its soo annoying cause i feel like i dont have the “power or control” that ana wants to restrict because i get so hungry. so even when i try..i cant…. but i just wanna be able to eat normal meals and not graze eating “my food” throughout the day…

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
852 Aliyah // Dec 20, 2008 at 3:22 pm

help- u have the power belive me! dont restrict, because it wil make u eat more ad then ull feel bad about urself. just eat 3 meals a day and snack inbetween, have a little routine and make sure u stick to it, and learn to listen to when ur body is hungry. dont deprive urself. lifes too short…

x
853 Shannon // Dec 20, 2008 at 6:49 pm

Help,
I know what you mean about not having the power to restrict, even if you wanted to. Sometimes ana tries to creep into my head and tell me I should restrict or not eat dessert but I get so hungry I just give in and can’t even restrict anything anymore. But that is really a good thing, whether we like to admit it or not. Ana no longer has the control over us. Those thoughts will go away with time, the more regularly you eat, the less Ana will try to get in your head. I have been eating really normal and everything now for a good 6 months and I rarely have Ana thoughts so I’m definitely on the right track. I started working out again too (not too much, just a healthy amount) and it is really making me feel better about myself. AND, after a year and a half of no periods I finally got my period back the other day! It is something that seems so little to everyone else but to us it is a big deal! My body is finally realizing I’m not going to starve it anymore. When I told my mom I thought she was going to cry. It made me feel so good to have beat this stupid ED! There is so much more to life. I love all the new friends and boyfriend I have now that I don’t have my ED. When I had it I just wanted to workout and be alone all the time, plus I was always so tired. So just keep eating and do what you need to do and Ana will go away, I promise. Good luck girls! Everyone have a Merry Christmas!!!!! I’m baking cookies as we speak
854 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 10:29 pm

Thanks so much for ur support and marry christmas to everyone as well!
that is awsome shannon about gettin ur period back! wow congradulations. any tips for me on how i can get my period back? i want to ask you…when you first got back to a normal weight did you still have the thoughts in your head for a little while? cause my situation is that i sometimes cant stop thinking about food and what to go get and its soooo annoying cause i dont wanna be thinking about that! im sooo proud of both you megan and aliyah for your strong recovery and for believeing in yourself so much and for having the faith in others to fully recover. also, i know at in patient they do not allow an exercise…i love activity and today i ran 2 miles..but then after got soooo tired and anxious all day long i was a bundle of anxiety and fatigue…i finally had to take an ativan cause i couldntn take it anymore…and the ativan always really really helps….thats how i know its anxiety. but when u guys were recovering…and when u exercised…did u ever get super exhausted….
cause before when i was restricting i could run 5 miles so fast and now that im eating much much more after 1 mile i get soo tired! it doesnt make any sense…..any thoughts?

help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah
855 Megan // Dec 20, 2008 at 11:49 pm

Help,
I’m really sorry 2 hear about ur Anorexia struggle. But like all of us on this site we all are suffering from this terrible illness! But please you gotta remember anorexia is just a voice! And a voice can so eaisly be turned into a whisper with time, that whisper will dissapear. So anorexia dosnet last forever you just have to believe in yourself and let your friends and family help u 2!! My best friend was the one who helped me on the path to recovery. So dont lock ur feelings inside! It just makes things worse. Believe me! So many ppl love and care about u! And really, ur just hurting urself by starving. You feel sick, dizzy, cold, and miserable! I remember when I was starving myself even in the summer I was cold! I HATED it! I even wore my jacket around to class to class. And all I ever ate for my lunch was carrotts. Cause I thought they were “safe” and would keep me from getting fat. Ugg I think back and Anorexia took away soo much of my time and life! It was sooo time consuming and controling! Don’t let it interfere with what u love 2 do best. Ur young and u deserve all the best in ur life. xoxo keep fighting!! Oh ya about ur anxiety… I recently got anxiety 2! I dont know if its from stress or what. I get it so bad that I feel like I am going 2 pass out all the time. Its just like a cold sweat and u start freaking out kind of. Is that what its like 4 u? I hope it stops soon! I wonder if I need medication like u do..
856 Aliyah // Dec 21, 2008 at 4:37 am

help they came back after i ate consistenly. no restricting even if i ate a lot more one day . my body trusts me now, it knows it gna get food and so it gives me back my period. be good to ur body
u will get it soon, u may be at ur ideal weight, but make sure u eat enuff and healthily and consistenly.
and exercise!! i never exercise. i love bing lazy. and u DO NOT NEED TO EXERCISE. if u strain urself out, thats one of the reasons u wont get ur period . if u must exercise make sure its realllllly light. exercise is all anorexia, dont let her win!

xx
857 Shannon // Dec 21, 2008 at 10:16 am

Help,
When I was in Inpatient we weren’t allowed to exercise either because it takes too much energy when you are trying to recover your body and muscles, so for now just take it easy. When I was in recovery I would get SOOOOO tired just walking up a flight of stairs. I thought it was weird too because when I would restrict I could work out all the time and now that I eat right I can’t do anything. They told me in treatment that its just your body using all its energy to fix the damage that we did to it by not eating, so there’s not energy left for anything else (like exercise). Even once I got back to my healthy weight I still had thoughts about food and all that but its been going away, and I hardly notice it anymore. Megan is right though, my friends have been great too! Whenever I’m feeling down they are always there to help me and tell me that my thoughts are irrational and that my body image is distorted and all that, plus they can always make me laugh. I’m really not sure on how to get your period back. I have been at a healthy weight for months now and I just now got it. My doctor told me that its because my body still was recovery from all the damage I did to it by not eating, and still wasn’t strong enough to carry a baby (the whole point of periods). But now that I’ve been eating consistently and not starving myself anymore my body trusts me and was able to repair all the internal damage I did to my muscles. So just keep eating lots and doing well and yours will come back too! Keep up the good work, you’re doing so well! Where are you from??
858 help // Dec 23, 2008 at 6:53 pm

Thanks sooo much all of you guys. im 20 and im from southern california. how old are ya and where are you from? actually the thoughts about food have started to decrease….but i still wanna restrict and ana feels so much better about my body when i do restrict. its a problem. the last few days have been terible….i have been havin lot of anxiety and panic attacks. usually the ativan works but today it didnt really. i went to a heated yoga class today…and about noon started to feel hard core fatigure, confusion, dizzy, anxious, major headache, and terrible weakness. i took .5mg of ativan and tylenol and aspirin and so far nothing has helped too much. i dont know what to do. seriously i wanna go to the doctor right now…even though my dads an ER doctor and he is here…
i jsut feel so weak and maybe the yoga was too much? im not sure…
any advice with this? and also its soo hard for me cause i have a 16 yr old very slim brother and he does not eat hardly anything compared to me and he just doesnt care at all about what he eats and its soo tough for me to see him live such a normal life and look fine and stuff. does anyone have this problem?
also, to those who get anxiety, any other things that maybe i can try that have helpef you. i feel miserable right now and my family was suppose to go caroling tonight but now my parents cant cause they are here watching me. =(. no fun =(
do you think i should take more ativan? i dont know if anyone here is familiar with the milligramns and stuff. thanks you guys i really really appreciate your support encouragement and advice

help’s last blog post..By: help
859 Shannon // Dec 23, 2008 at 7:22 pm

help-it is frustrating to see other people around be so normal with food and just eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. but the longer and harder you try to be like that, eventually you will really be able to just listen to your body and give it what it needs…so don’t give up! i’m from central illinois and i’m 20 as well. i am going to nursing school so i’m very familiar with the ativan and other drugs. if i were you i would try other anxiety reducing things and try as hard as possible to not rely on the ativan, but if you need it then definitely take it. you should talk to your doctor or your dad to see if you need a stronger dose. when i feel anxious or like i can’t relax i usually try to do soemthing to take my mind off of food and my ed….usually something with my hands. i even resorted back to coloring, but it really does help and gets your mind busy on something else. i also started building those little model cars, weird i know…but its something to do when i’m feeling all anxious. have you ever tried deep breathing or guided imagery? we learned all about those things when i was in inpatient. they seem to help a lot of people, but i do better when i can just keep busy with something else. let me know if you want more info on that. i hope everyone has a wonderful christmas!!!!!
860 Aliyah // Dec 24, 2008 at 3:58 am

help- lovely, the thoughts will keep decreasing if u eat well. honestly it is the ONLY way. i have tried the whole restrciting, eating less one day, or for one meal and that, and it does not work! u have to feed ur soul and ur mind, foodis ur medicine now.
dont exercise, obviously the yoga did not benefit u ina gd way, and u felt dizzy and unwell. exercise is supposed to make u feel better remember! keep u healthy. u know what u have to do, focus on YOU and ur health and get well oh and boys are supposed to be naturally thinner than girls, its a biological fact. my brothers the same, dont feel threatened by it, its natural, its nature. u cant fight nature, so be yourself!

x
861 Aliyah // Dec 24, 2008 at 4:02 am

help- oh i get anxiety a lot, i find social situations hard sumtimes, but i find the best way to deal with it, is to just do it, and deal with any of the feelings cause they do eventually pass. but if u have any advice then id love to hear?!
x
862 Megan // Dec 24, 2008 at 9:45 am

Hey girls,
Ok, I hear u guys are talking about anxiety. For the past semester now I have all of a sudden developed what I guess is anxiety… all of a sudden in class I will feel all nervous and a cold sweat will come than I will start 2 feel dizzy as if I am going 2 pass out and I’ll start 2 freak out which makes things even worse! It makes me feel sooo uncomfortable. I don’t know how 2 control it!? Should I see a doctor? And why is is a acciated with anorexia? Just wondering. I’ve never had this b4. I’m usually sooo comfortable in class. But now I find it hard 2 even write notes. I dont know what 2 do!! Any good suggestions?? I think I’m just stressed or something..
863 Tracie // Dec 24, 2008 at 10:13 am

Hey Girls,
Long time no here.I have been extrmely busy.
Okay i have gained alot of weight.
I am weighing in at 114 lbs.OMG
I can barely deal with that number.
I hate 3 digits.I try my hardest not to let it control me,but damn its hard.

Is everyone ready for Christmas?
As ffor Aniexty wow it can feel like your heart is jumping out of your chest.
If you can’t take medication like myself try to acknowledge when it is creeping up on you.
I breath real deep ,and stop what i am doing so i can take control of it.
Tell yourself You can do it,and breath your way through it.
I tend to tremor with it as well,but you can do it.
Its all in your head.

Take care Girls TTYL.

Tracie
oxoxox
xoxoxo
864 Shannon // Dec 24, 2008 at 12:33 pm

Tracie-Ok, I hope this doesn’t come off as rude or harsh but I think you need some tough love. When I was reading your last post and saw that you’re upset with yourself because you don’t like 3 digit numbers?? Come on, only little kids are suppose to be under 100 lbs. When you said that you’ve gained a lot of weight and that you now weigh 114…I weigh much more than that and I’m not fat. So seriously, you need a reality check. How tall are you? Unless you’re a midget, 114 is still very thin! You need to get better for your daughter. What if she grows up to think that the size you are is what’s normal for women? (which it is NOT, its way too thin). Then what if she tries to be that thin and develops and eating disorder too. Don’t let Ana ruin your holidays and more importantly, anymore of your life.
865 Tracie // Dec 24, 2008 at 12:46 pm

Hey Shannon,
I know what you are saying is true.
How do i change what i see in the mirror?
I feel as though i am having an argument with myself,and i want to change that.
And your not being harsh its what us Anorexics need.
I am 5 foot 4 in. ,and i know in my heart its a start in the right direction,but sometimes i feel i gain it too fast.
What is too fast for us?

I would die if my daughter followed in my eating habit footsteps.
I guess i will take it from day to day.

Thanks Shannon its what i needed to hear.

Tracie
866 Aliyah // Dec 24, 2008 at 1:25 pm

tracie- shannon is right. u are more than a number! u are a real human, with real feelings, and a life. u need to learn to accept ur body for what it is. and love it.
i find it hard to like my body sumtimes, but uno what , i want to enjoy life, not being consumed by my image. everytime i feel bad about my body i think of how lucky i am to have food, a family and friends and education and everything so many people dont have.
just realise how blessed u are, and now when u look in the mirror say ‘ so what parts do i like’ and dress to flatter them!i find gaining hard too, everyone does, but dont weigh urself often and just try to like ur body. and think, ur regaining weight u lost, ur not actually putting any on.

xx
867 Aliyah // Dec 24, 2008 at 1:29 pm

megan- anxiety is part of anorexia because we find social situations hard, and because we usually care to much about how people perceive us , that sort of thing. i get it too sumtimes. u shud go to a doctor, how have u been with ana? if anas been bad, then anxiety will probably be higher.
and yeh it may be stress, ive been very stressed and had anxiety, but not to the extent u did. just try to relax, take long baths, and stuff. look after ur body and most of all eat well!

how u been ana wise?

xx
868 Shannon // Dec 24, 2008 at 5:54 pm

Tracie-I’m glad you didn’t take that the wrong way! I know that when I was really bad with my eating disorder I needed to hear stuff like that to get the point through my thick head. It is hard to gain, but definitely stop weighing yourself like Aliyah said. For awhile it was tough for me to break my morning routine of getting on the scale but my mom just took the scale away and out of our house so it wasn’t even an option for me, and now I have NO desire to step on the scale. Maybe you could ask your husband to hide it so even if you are tempted to get on it, it won’t be t here. I also gained weight very quickly, but its what your body needs. You will get to a point where you will stop gaining, even though you continue to eat properly (a lot). That’s where I’m at right now. At first I just thought I would keep gaining and gaining, but I was wrong. I still eat the same (tons of food I love), and I haven’t gained anymore weight since I reached my “set point.” 114 lbs is much too small for being 5’4”! I’m only 1 inch taller than you and I weigh much more, and I look and feel wonderful. Aliyah is so right, you’re WAY more than a number. Everytime I start to feel unhappy with my body I just stop and think about how much my weight does NOT matter in my life. My friends and family loved me when I was overweight, they loved me when I was way too thin, and they love me now that I’m just perfect. The only difference is when I was so thin they were all worried to death about me. I had all the exact same friends at all my different weights, so really our body size doesn’t matter. I actually had much fewer friends when I was at my thinnest. So just keep trying and get that scale out of your house!!! I just celebrated Christmas with my dad’s side of the family and I am so stuffed full of delicious food, and I feel great. I’m so thankful that I was able to really enjoy my family and food this year at Christmas now that I’m over my ED. I hope everyone can do the same. Good luck all!
869 Megan // Dec 25, 2008 at 10:33 am

Hey everyone Merry Christmas!!!
hope every 1 had a good day. & got everything they wished 4!! Aliyah, thx 4 the anxiety tips. I feel that baths and music as well as reading really help 2. Tea is also very calming. For Christmas I got some yoga and meditation videos so I hope those help! I just am blaming it on a heavy semester cause I am just SOOO stressed out with school lately!! I’m like a perfectionist and I am always getting high 9o’s or 80′s and if I get anything lower I freak out! And this year is tough because I really must concontarte on my grades for college next yr eek!
Tracie,
Just remember like Aliyah said you are more than just a number!! My weight flacuates all the time. It drives me insane!! We all know what ur going through. But 114 is really way 2 low!! Try and eat more proten and carbs that will help bring ur weight up. I know it’s hard. But u can do it!! we all believe in u cause we’re in this together! xoxo ♥
870 Tracie // Dec 31, 2008 at 12:10 pm

Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to say Have an awesome NEW YEAR!!!!!!!
My New Year resolution is to kick Anas butt out the door.
I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone on this site for your kind words of encouragement,and even sometimes givin to me straight.(Shannon)LOL

I will be talkin to you all NEXT YEAR……
So everyone have fun,becareful,and remember
WERE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER………

Love,and Friends,
Tracie

SEE YA IN 2009………
871 Aliyah // Dec 31, 2008 at 6:17 pm

happpy neww year to everyone!
make it ana free! dont listen to a stupid lying voice this year and be the realll you!#

xx
872 Tracie // Dec 31, 2008 at 6:31 pm

ALI,
Knows how to start the NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Yippeeeee!!!!!!

SEE YA ‘LL NEXT YEAR

Tracie
873 Megan // Jan 1, 2009 at 11:48 am

Hey girls!!
Happy New year!! How are you all doing? Aliyah u r so right girl, just enjoy all this lovely holiday food as much as u can and don’t let the stupid false voice invade you. I have made the new years resolution of not weighing myself for an entire year or… maybe just once a week or once a month 2 start! than if I am doing well, I can try once a yr. I know it will be hard but I think I can do it!! I’ve been eating like a pig lately. I literly cant stop binging!! AHH!! Any one else having this problem 2? And I feel like I’ve gained a bunch of weight like 10 lbs! I know this is true because my pants are tighter, and I feel allot flabber and bigger. I am hoping it is just water weight! Ugg I gotta stop freaking out but I just help but cant! anyway, hope every 1 had a good new year! xoxo
874 Aliyah // Jan 1, 2009 at 11:56 am

hey megan! dont be hard on urself, and trust me when i say u have not put on sumthing like ten poiunds. no matter what, anorexia will always always exgarate how u feel about urself. it will always make u think uve eaten more than u have , put on more weight than u have and look bigger than u are, but its a lie! ive learnt that now
great resolution, really try not to weigh urself, it makes eating more fun , not sitting with a stupid numer in ur head!
i went out to eat last nite for new year and it was soo good and tasty such a gd time, and i sed to myself i deserve it all, ana can piss off!!

healthy n happy everyone!
x
875 Lulu // Jan 1, 2009 at 12:25 pm

@Megan,

I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t worry too much. I have gained weight (no idea how much) but know it’s at least 8 lbs due to the fit of my clothes but remember,we were underweight for so long that healthy feels “fat”. Good NY resolution!
Lulu
876 Megan // Jan 1, 2009 at 8:11 pm

Hey Lulu,
Thanks for your strong words of encouragement. But I just feel sooo out of control cause I have been binge eating and cant stop! AHH! :O! But am starting 2 notice that my bones arn’t showing as much as they used 2 which is good I guess. I’m just trying 2 stay strong. And hope u will 2! All the best of luck! xoxo
PS do u have facebook or msn?
877 Tracie // Jan 1, 2009 at 10:45 pm

Hi Megan& Ali,
Ya know we all feel at this time of the year that we all got (OUT OF CONTROL),But say to
yourself “Isn’t it great not to have bulging veins or your fingers look so skinny or even when you bend over your rib bone does not hit your hip bones”(That is what would happen to me all the time)
Girls we are getting HEALTHIER not sicker,and we should be very proud of ourselves.
I know i am proud of all of u not giving in to the EVIL voice within us all.

Lets make a pact for 2009 that WE CAN DO THIS.Heck we are doing this,and it is normal to struggle from time to time or i think we aren’t being real with ourselves.
So Megan Ur awesome and keep up the great job.
I am here for each and everyone of you .
Day or night.

Lulu doesn’t it feel grea to go out and not be stared at or someone commenting on “Wow ur so skinny”.
I hated that saying,and then my sis-n-law accused me of doing drugs,and i laughed in her face.Now she says i look so much better.
Honestly i told her i didn’t want to hear anything she has to say.I know OUCH,but i stood up 4 myself for ONCE,and we all can do that in our own way.
Keep up the awesome job Lulu,and ur words of encouragment,and experiences help more than u even know.

TTYL EVERYONE,
Love,
Tracie
878 Aliyah // Jan 2, 2009 at 4:48 am

megan- tracie is right
and uno ur not out of control!ana is out of control and thats why u feel bad, she is making u! anytime u listen to ur own body and ignore ana, ana willl freak out and ake u think ur fat. we all exaggerte how big we are, i know for a fact u are smaller than u think u ar, slimmer than u think u are, so hun forget a stupid voice and eat what YOU want, be the real megan not what ana wants you to be!

xx
879 Lulu // Jan 2, 2009 at 9:39 am

Thanks Tracie! Yes, I’ve received the “are you on drugs” question as well. So frustrating yet almost funny if you know me and what a square I am. Thanks for the encouragement.

And for everyone else…YES. 2009 will be great. It’s so much better not to feel the incessant panic and anxiety that comes along with being underweight. I know some of us get a little anxious when we feel we’ve eaten too much, but as Aliyah says, we are slimmer than we think. Plus just keep remembering that you were UNDER weight to begin with. I for one want to be healthy and beautiful-so the work and frustration that comes with recovery is worth it to me.

We can all do it and I’m not just saying that. I sure wish we could all meet!
Be well and keep your chin up everyone.
Lulu xoxo
880 Tracie // Jan 2, 2009 at 11:16 am

Hi Girls,
How are all of you feeling?
You guys all ROCK,and we’ve come along way.

Lets not give in now……
My daughter just asked what are you talking about to ur friends?
I kind of explained it to her and she understood.
She remembers when i was hospitalized,and she said i was keeping my promise to her.
That made me feel great,and worth living all the much more.

Ya know Rob(Hubby) said you are gaining and it looks good.I told him on the number that i didn’t really care for it.His comment was”Tracie yuo are at the weight i married you at 15 years ago.
Wow i didn’t realise how long it has been.

Oh Lulu i wish we all could meet to.
Ya know when girls say “Yeah this is my Posse”.
You guys are all my POSSE.LOL

I feel closer to all of you than any friend i have .
I think it is more of a sisterhood,cause we know and feel what each one of us are going through.

In a way i am glad i had(See that HAD )Ana or i wouldn’t have met such a great group of girls.

Thank you sooooooo much for ur friendship.

May i ask where everyone lives at?
I’m In Asotin WA.

Just wondering how far we all are from one another.

TTYL&Love,
Tracie
xoxooxox
xoxooxox
881 Megan // Jan 2, 2009 at 9:37 pm

Hey girls!
Aw thx soo much 4 all ur support! I honestly don’t know what I would do without you or the fact that I had even found this site!! You deffinitly keep me strong!! Ana is just sooo confusing because @ one point u were starving and now it feels like I am overeating! Ugg. And I’m always sooo scared that I am going 2 go back 2 being obese again. It just really scares me! But hey it’s just a stupid voice! Right?? Oh I wish we could all meet 2!! I live in Canada, ON btw where do u all come from? hope all is well xoxo
882 melissa m // Jan 2, 2009 at 10:58 pm

Hi everybody- happy new year to all!!!!!!! 2009 looks alot brighter than 2008 already, positivity really helps in recovery I’ver learned. (The hard way unfortunately) But yeah, just wanted to wish every body the best of luck with recovery and email me at melbewitched@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk or sopmething. I’m a recovering anorexic- been struggling with bulimia and anorexia and low self esteem/ body image since 13 or so. So I wont judge, and would like a friend to just talk openly with. Name is Melissa, 18 years, Elk Grove Ca.
883 Aliyah // Jan 3, 2009 at 4:58 am

megan- it is just a stupiddddddd voice and the more u eat the higher chance of it going away. when ur brain works properly the voice lessens, so keep fighting and do not deprive urself AT ALL or ever. even though u may feel crap sumtimes, its just part of recovery we all feel overweight sumtimes when we are clearly not!

healthy and happy, be positive and just enjoy ur food ok?

xx
884 Aliyah // Jan 3, 2009 at 5:09 am

megan- oh and i come fromscotland, sooo far away from you ! do u like where u stay? do u have msn?
xx
885 Megan // Jan 3, 2009 at 10:58 am

Aliyah,
Thanks so much 4 the encoragement! It means just sooo much 2 me. And thanks 2 everyone else as well! When ever I talk about that ana voice I think back 2 my poem “The artificial words which invade her soul & mind” That is EXACTLY what Ana does 2 us!! It just invades!! I know that the voice is pretty well gone 4 me, cause I’ve just been eating sooo much! Like I feel as if I am done well, almost! With Ana! It is a great feeling of eating! But lately my eating habits have been quite bad. Like seeing as there are sweets in the house I have been substituting breakfast for sweets and lunch and stuff. Its sooo bad! Anyone else doing the same? Like I’ve never had such a sweet tooth b4 but all of a sudden it’s just soooo bad now! Like I can’t control it! I eat anything that tasts an looks sweet!?? :S! Its quite annoying!
Aliyah,
Wow ur from scotland!?? Omg!! WOW! :O! That is far. haha. Yepp I have MSN! It is : crazyblonde16@hotmail.com so add me if u like! ttys take care every 1! xoxo
886 Aliyah // Jan 3, 2009 at 1:27 pm

megan- aww ino what u mean about subsitution, its like u want the sweets but u dnt wanna have it on top of ur breakfast so u opt for one, otherwise u think u have had too many calories. u shud defo try to eat a proper breakfast, thats good for u and will give u energy and have sweets later! think of it like, snacking, snak on the sweets and sweet things ur craving and eat lots of carbs inbetween. usually if u crave lots of sugar, having starchy carbs helps
dont give in to ana and skip meals or anything

and ya ill add u on msn, but i dunt know what time differecen there is we may never catch each other!

your doing brill though keep it up. theres so much junk food inmy house just now i want it all, but ino if i go have a huge binge i wnt fel good, so im jus gna have a little bit of everything! yum

xx
887 Aliyah // Jan 3, 2009 at 1:31 pm

megan- oh uno how u sed u are eating so much? what are u having like in a day roughly? cause sumtimes i feel i have too much when i know its prolly really ana fooling me…
888 Shannon // Jan 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Hey girls! i hope everyone had a great new years…i know i sure did.
I’m 20 (almost 21….my birthday is January 21…yaaaay), and i live in central Illinois. Its so cool that we are from all over the world and still can relate to the exact same thing.

Megan-I know what you mean about wanting sweet stuff all the time. I’m the same way! I joke with my mom about having my “breakfast cookies” they told me at the eating disorder place that we crave the sweet stuff because that is what we restricted the most. it should go away in time. but try to eat a normal breakfast and all other meals so you wont be as hungry for the sweets…but definitely still eat those too! when i started gaining weight back i was soooo scared taht id go back to being obese too and that my gaining would never stop. but it has! i’m at a normal weight and have been staying at the same weight for probably 2 months now, and eating WHATEVER i want! your body will find a weight it likes and you’ll quit gaining. you wont go back to being overweight i promise! i had the same fear as you and i’m fine. keep it up you’ve done so well!

Aliyah-how are you doing?? scotland?! i’m so jealous!!!!
889 Aliyah // Jan 3, 2009 at 2:44 pm

shannon- hey aw wow what u gna do for ur bday? my new years was gd thank u went out to dinner with my bf for it im going out to dinner 2moro too! i love fooodd .
how are u?
890 Tracie // Jan 3, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Hey Shannon,
You are so right on the weight gaining.
Your body will eventually level off at gaining weight when it knows you are at a healthy number.
So you don’t worry.Remember Ana wants you to panick,and think ur to big,and ur not.Its all a mind game.

I told my Dr. last week that if u were in my house u would think i was crazy,cause sometimes it takes saying out loud ITS ALL IN UR MIND.DON’T LET THAT B–CH TAKE CONTROLL.I actually get mad at myself 4 letting it happen.So you remember its US IN CONTROL not Ana.

Hang in there girls.I’m here for u all.

Friends&Love,
Tracie
xooxxo
xoxoxox
891 Tracie // Jan 3, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Hey Ali,
You live in a beautiful Country.
How fortunante.
I was born in Warrington, England.
So you are a little distance away,but it is so nice to have a friend who can connect with all of us.
Thank you for finding this site,and taking time out to come on and share your experiences,and knowledge.
What part of Ireland do you live in?

Take care,&
TTYL,
Tracie
xoxoxox
xoxoxo
892 Aliyah // Jan 3, 2009 at 4:40 pm

tracie- heyy i live in scotland not ireland in a city called glasgow.
where do u stay agen? how have u been?
893 Tracie // Jan 3, 2009 at 4:42 pm

Hi Melissa,
Welcome to our online group.LOL
More like sisters,and family.
We are all here to support you.
We all have the same struggles,and worries with
Ana,but together WE CAN OVERCOME>

We hope to hear from you again real soon.
Ask any questions.These young adults on here give some great advice,and i’m sure u can share some experiences as well.

TTYL&LOVE,
Tracie
894 Tracie // Jan 3, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Sorry Ali,
My daughter was talking to me.
Scottland just as nice.
Your accent must be great.I love the accent.
I’m actaully trying to talk it right now.

I am from Asotin Washington in the USA,but born in Warrington England in UK.
What time is it there?Are u 8 hrs ahead of US.
Just curious.

How is ur weather?

TTYL&LOVE,
Tracie
895 Aliyah // Jan 3, 2009 at 4:51 pm

tracie- haha yeh i do have an accent its not that strong though hehe. erm its nearly midnight just going to bed now, what times it there?
weather is very very cold! it always is, what about there?
x
896 Tracie // Jan 3, 2009 at 5:02 pm

Hey Ali,
It is 400pm,and our weather is pretty cold and rainy here too.

I live in a part called the green belt.
Its beautiful,and i have a view of a river front home looking at a place called Hells canyon.
Nothing evil though.Just sounds kind of weird.

Well u stay warm,and dry if its raining.
Is Glasgow a big city?
U don’t have to write back being its that late.
Get some rest.
I wont be in bed till midnight my time,and probablly 400am ur time.

TTYL&LOVE,
Tracie
897 Megan // Jan 4, 2009 at 12:03 am

Hey girls!
Aliyah,
thx so much 4 the advice. I feel like my ana is comming back because as soon as it feels like I have gained weight she says “Ok as soon as all the sweets are gone we shall start our restricting”. But I know that voice is fake. And when I start resricting it does nothing but harm my body and make me feel miserable, tired, & sick. I start back 2 school on monday and I feel sooo big! Like I’m worried about my anxiety as I feel like ppl are always stairing @ me, and I get really nervous in class. I HATE it! I dont know how 2 control it I am wondering if a new year might just make it go away perhaps? I hope so!! Oh and I got ur MSN add thx!! hope 2 speak soon!
Hope everyone else is doing well! stay strong!! xoxo
PS how much is the usual weight gain supposed 2 be?? Like I know I would loose like a pound or 2 a week is that the same with weight gain? Cause I am hoping that in reality I just gained a few pounds cause it seems unrealistic 2 gain like 20 within a short period like 2 weeks. Would that be right? Or is it just water weight?? :S
898 Tracie // Jan 4, 2009 at 12:12 am

Hi Megan,
Realisticlly it is only about 2 lbs a week.
u are just gaining water weight which will go away or youir gonna pee it out.LOL

That is what i was told off of my nutritionist.
We all feel like we are being stared at especially when we go out.
Now remember that i swhat Ana wants you to think that everyone is staring at you,and there NOT.Girl you look good.Damn lets say GREAT,and Anas pissed over it.
You go back to school with ur head held high.
Tell Ana to kiss ur Ass.

I know its hard and nervewracking,but u can do it.I BELIEVE IN U…….

Let me know how Monday goes.
TTYL.
Love,
Tracie
899 Aliyah // Jan 4, 2009 at 4:25 am

megan- tracie is so right! we all feel anxiety like everyone i slookin at us, when in truth uno wht? they really are not, its all ana. my counceller told me that. its all in the mind and its false hun. also dont focus too much on weight ok? u will be fine when u go back to skool. look at is as a nice new healthier megan!
and yeh most of that will definetly be water weight, u wnt ever gain 20 pounds in two weeks, its impossible! no weighing, just try to like ur body

you ar enot alone… i have faith too!

tracie- glasgow is not a hugee city but its quite big. i had a gd sleep thx. going out for a meal tonight yahh so xcited how r u?

xx
900 HEATHERR // Feb 10, 2009 at 3:24 pm

hey everyone
ive been on here before and made a couple comments but not recently now im dead serious about recovering because one my health is in jepordy and two i hateeeeee the way i look and wanna go out and have fun like i use to .. my names heather and im 21 years old 5’6 and 77lbs :S i was wondering if any of you guys have any advice for gaining .. im tryin but i get so full and my parents are now threatning to put me into the hospital if i dont gain fast … any suggestions would help thnx
901 Megan // Feb 12, 2009 at 10:12 pm

Hi heather,
First off, welcome! You made a really great choice when you joined this group as we are all like family here and support every one. Well, it sounds like you are on the road 2 recovery already as you said you have realised that you hate the way you look and you wish to recover from this. YAY! You go girl! As Who wants to look like a skeleton?? With the gaining weight part, don’t start eating a bunch of junk food in order to gain. All that does is put bad fat on you , and it is also just temporary water weight 2. What I suggest is, try to eat a little more in your diet. Do you like baking like cakes and muffins and stuff? Those I find make you gain weight. Also, bagels, breads, and pasta. Anything with lots of carbs help gain faster. hope that helps? xoxo Megan
902 HEATHERR // Feb 13, 2009 at 2:22 pm

Thanks so much for your suggestions … thats whats so hard because my family is like just eat mc donalds and chocolate youll gain in no time but i dont want to be putting unhealthy fat in my body i want to gain healthfully (lol is that a word :s) muffins are a good idea i guess its really just about bumpin everything up and eating more .. thanks for the advice tho anything right now helps
903 Aliyah // Feb 13, 2009 at 3:03 pm

heather- hey. ino what u mean you want to eat healthy and gain weight nice and slowly and steadily an dbelive me you will!!! just make sure u treat urself. just eat small amounts very regularly, honestly that helps. and alwayssss have breakfast a big one, to kick start ur metabolism. remember ur body has a natural set point it works best at , once it gets there it wnt keep gaining, unless you ate like looooooads extra but u wont. u will naturally ajust.

but yeah, eat whatever u like!! variey is the spice of life. lots of carbs proteins and wee treats!!

good luck x
904 Aliyah // Feb 13, 2009 at 3:05 pm

p.s. heather u wanna loook like a beautyiful ladyy not a skinny girl trapped in a little girls body. recovery is about accepting that:) love yourself, tell urself each time u look in the mirror and remind urself numbers r trivial, they are not important u are a person not a number ok?!!!

xx
905 Megan // Feb 13, 2009 at 9:09 pm

heather,
Alyiha is right, in order to recover u first must accept the fact YOU ARE MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER!! If you keep on staying strong and verbally telling urself that in ur mind than u will evantually stop weighing urself and starving. That is what evantually happened to me, I came 2 terms with that voice and realsed it was just fake and all it was trying 2 do was invade my body and make me feel sick and weak inside. YOU CAN CONTROL IT!! I don’t even look at the scale anymore, and you know what? I’m happy! Because we arn’t just a number, We are sooooooo much more!! stay strong beautiful xoxo and if u ever wanna tlk I have email , msn, and facebook!!
906 Tracie // Feb 13, 2009 at 9:46 pm

HeyGirls,
Its Tracie.How is everyone doing?
Heather remember what Megan says (We are more than a number)
You can do this.We are all here to support you.
The girls on this site are awesome.We all honestly care,and Ya know what were doing it.
(Kicken Anas Ass)Sometimes 1 day is better than the others,but thats okay.What is going to get you through is being honest with yourself.

I’m here for you.Just like all the girls.
Take care,and talk to you soon.
Feel free to ask me any questions.I am pretty honest.

Tracie
xoxoxox
907 HEATHERR // Feb 14, 2009 at 2:14 pm

thanks everyone .. its really nice to have support from ppl who know what im going through … the last couple days have been tough ive been making myself eat but i feel so terrible afterwards like actually sick to my stomach… ii feel gross and fat and ive been tryna tell myself its all in my head and that im not gunna get enormous but its soooo hard i just wish i could get back to where i use to be happy healthy and not worrying about what my next meal will be … do any of u have like extreme aniexty when it comes to eating something “new” that u wouldnt normally eat? if so what do u do to cope with it?
908 Aliyah // Feb 14, 2009 at 4:03 pm

heather- its part of recovery we all find it hard and we all feel fat and horrible sum days, but rememver anorexia is slow suicide, eating is soooo important, you need to do it. see it is as medicine, u must must must have no matter what and lotssss of it. i promise u wnt get fat.
and yes i get anxierty with new foods, but im gettin so much better at it. the only way is to tell urself, this is food its nt gna kill me,an to eat it and enjy it and think why deprive myself?!

like tonight i went out to eat and i got pasta with loads of cheese, and i enjoyed it so much i was like im nt gna let anorexia hold me back!!

stay strong x
909 Tracie // Feb 14, 2009 at 4:08 pm

Hi Heather,
I totally know what u are saying about Aniexty.
I have it so bad it feels as though my heart is jumpin out of my chest.
My docrtor put me on Cymbalta,and Ativan,but i haven’t really noticed a difference yet.I’m tryin to be patient.
As for eating just take it 1 bite at a time.Tell urself its all in my head.It takes alot of reptition.
You need the food sweetie it is what makes ur body keep fuctioning.

We can all relate to what u are saying,and the best thing u can do is keep talking out loud about it.
Be real with urself.Acknowledge what you see in the mirror,and except urself for who u are.
Your a beautiful young woman who deserves to nurioush ur body.
Remember a car can’t go without gas,and we can live without food.

I’m here for u sweetie.
DON’T GIVE UP WERE IN THIS TOGETHER!!!!

Love,
Tracie
910 Lulu // Feb 14, 2009 at 4:24 pm

Heather,

Tracie knows what she’s talking about. I don’t post often here but I read what she says and it really rings true.

I had TERRIBLE anxiety when I was starving. A doc put me on klonopin but it had me so drowsy all I did was sleep and not eat. I think ativan is better. I was on it for a while and it was very helpful. Just breathe and know that you are indeed not alone in this. The anxiety will pass. I know it feels unbearable at times,but it WILL pass.
Lulu
911 Tracie // Feb 14, 2009 at 7:58 pm

Thank u Lulu for ur kind words.
I think its because i am ALOT older than all of u.LOL
Don’t get me wrong i still struggle,but its knowing u can pull out of the depression,and aniexty.(just ask Megan.LOL)
Its all possible you will get better,and like i said we are all here for u.
I believe that this site has drawn us together for a reason.U all are Angels in my eyes,and i am so pleased with all of the advice i get from all of u.

Remember Heather God wouldn’t put u through all these challenges unless he new u could,and will pull through.
Once u start recovery it is about 2 years to be realistic before u actually gain real weight.
I’ll be 40 in July i can honestly say i am now gaining whole heartedly.Yes its still real hard to look at my weight.I haven’t been over 100lbs for at least 10 yrs.Now i am well over a 100lbs,and just still trying to get used to it.

It takes a hell of alot to battle anorexia.I’ll never
be fully recovered just from thoughts alone.
I blind weigh myself at Drs.(So I Don’t Freak)

See so it doesn’t matter how long in recovery
We all have our moments.

I’m Here for You.
Tracie xoxoxo
912 Aliyah // Feb 15, 2009 at 3:50 am

tracie- i think ur doing an amazing job. it is hard to accept ourselves, but think of what life has and whats its about. we dnt have time to waste on how we look. its sooo trivial. be happy inside, and be healthy cause being skinny and skelteal, doesnt make us achieve anything at all! it just takes us one step closer to death..

keep fighting ok!?!

xx
913 Tracie // Feb 15, 2009 at 10:59 am

AWWW Ali,
Ur such a sweetheart.I will keep fighting the fight.
I’m fighting for all of us,cause we all deserve to Live,Love,and be Healthy.

See Heather what i am talking about.
We are all here for one another.

Love,
Tracie
oxooxoxoxoxo
914 HEATHERR // Feb 15, 2009 at 5:06 pm

You girls are honestly amazing .. the support and love i see posted is so great .. i know ive come to a good place and that you girls are a positive reinforcment for me .. today has been a good day for me ive actually eaten a little bit more than usual and didnt feel really really bad ( i did have a little bit of guilt but not as bad as other days ) i know im on the right path and cant wait till i can look back and laugh at ana
915 Aliyah // Feb 17, 2009 at 1:09 pm

yes u are on the right path stick with it! and honestly, we all know how you feel, u have those days u just want to not eat or skip this or that, but fight it and just eat. its for ur own good ok? never give in to ana, ur losing control that way.

Laugh at ana, how pathetic the stupid things shes saying is. i mean who wants to be hungry?! we are so lucky to have food yet here we are avoiding it. forget that life and leave it behind. u can be YOU now!

x
916 hi :) my story // Feb 20, 2009 at 2:30 pm

hi my name is bekki and im 17.

i dont have many close friends because of my currant circumstances but i would like to share what has happened to me.
i got diagnosed with anorexia when i was 14, despite being seriously underweight my doctor originally told me i might hav a thyroid problem (my mum was contsantly draggin me to the surgery!) i went along with this so no one would know. big mistake, i got really ill.

i was admitted nto hospital for hypothermia and heart problems, at 5’5 i was 75 pounds and was fed on a glucose drip, it was AWFUL. none of my friends came to visit me, they were scared and with in a few weeks i lost contact with all of them.

i was admitted to a psyciatric ward, i had to eat 3500 calories a day, hav daily blood tests and i wasnt alowed to walk anywhere or even go to the toilet on my own for 5 weeks. it was a secure unit so the door was always locked. i stayed here for over a year, but they eventually decided they couldn’t ‘help’ me so i got tranfered to another unit. i was discharged from these units every few months only to be readmitted in days later. i was taking overdoses all the time, i did anything to get the paracetamol, i often stole it or raided through peoples draws. i self harmed a lot and needed stitches a lot.
then last year, in june, i was admitted to the priory, a private rehab clinic funded by the nhs. i was told that this was my last time to get better. the staff were so kind and caring compared to the meany fish wives id come across in other units, and slowly i started to eat food that wasnt my safe foods (weightwatchers soup and sugarfree veggie jelly) and i did put on weight, but slowly not rushed like at the other hospitals. it took a lot of work, but i started to accept my body. the first time i went out for a meal was so scary but i told myself ‘i will do this, i will NOT let ana control me. I am my own person’ i didnt go back to my mum’s house for a visit for 4 months because i was scared of eating at home, but when i did it i felt so good because it had taken me years to do it and everyone was proud of me

i left the priory in january, unfortunatly i have gone into a house for homeless teens becasue my mum struggles with my behaviours (along with anorexia i suffer from bipolar disorder) but im doing well with my eating. i now weigh 107 pounds and eat a balanced diet, i do admit i still calorie count but ive gotten over so many of my food fears. i even ate some pizza today, somthing i would never hav dreamed of half a year ago. im so happy that im nearly recovered now, life is a million times better that when i was ill, now i can walk down the street by myself without clinging on to my mums arm!im loads stronger physically and emotinally, and i will continue to fight my battle until i have won xx
917 Aliyah // Feb 20, 2009 at 4:59 pm

hey i think thats amazing. i think its rong to go and force people with anorexia to put on weight, and then decide they’ cnt help u’. its sad. anorexia is more than just being about food. you need to love urself and accept urself, and thats what gettin gbetter is.

keep fighting! your a real inspiration

x
918 Tracie // Feb 20, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Hi Bekki,
Let me first say congrats on maintaining a weight.
I too can relate to being hospitalized,On 24hr watch,and on lockdown with no runningor any type of excercise at all.

I am probably one of the older girls on here.
I’ve been a recovering Anorexic for 5 years in recovery,and 11 years total.
My choice of diet was starvation.
You have found a wonderful site.All of us girls are in this together,and WE are here for you.

Ana is like a split personality.Constantly getting you to count calories,over exercise,judging yourself,and doing ur daily rituals with food.

Just take it one day at a time.or even 1 bite at a time.It will be a constant battle in ur head,BUT u can overcome this.
If u have any questions do not hesitate to ask.
Like i said WE all of us are in this together.
No one is judged WE are a great big group of sisters that finally WERE NOT ALONE!!

Take care of urself,and i will talk to u soon.

WELCOME&I AM SO GLAD YOUR ON HERE WITH US.

Tracie
xoxooxoxox
919 HEATHERR // Feb 20, 2009 at 7:52 pm

hey girls …. just checkin in and seein how you girls are … had a hard day today .. i want so badly to get out of my routine of when i eat my meals but i cant like this morning i woke up and was starving but instead of getting something to eat i had tea (i have tea every morning ) its hard to break the routines ive made with my meals … have any of u had to deal with this ???
920 Tracie // Feb 20, 2009 at 10:56 pm

Hi Heather,
Can i ask if ur tea is Herbal or regular?
I do have rituals with food.
I only eat the center of bread.I got to have 1 egg a day,and the worst is i drink about 6-8 cups of mocha coffee.
So yes i can totally relate.What i try to do is just add something to the meal.
For example the egg i will add fruit or toast.
The coffee i try to eat like a donut or toast w/jam.
When u have ur morning tea add just a little to it.
You can work ur way up in portions later.

Pick out something that might sound good to only u.

Oh and another i like to do is eat by myself.
I don’t like people or even my family watching me eat,cause i feel i am gorging myself,when really i’m not.
Its just that little voice inside saying “We don’t deserve to eat”,but WE DO.

I’m here 4 u Heather.You are doing a great job
it takes alot to get over Ana.
She’s been there when others haven’t.(RIGHT)
But now you do have people who care.(ALL OF US)
So push that BITCH to the side and let ur real friends in.

TTYL,
Tracie
xoxooxo
921 Aliyah // Feb 21, 2009 at 3:39 am

heather – oh yeah! its really hard to break out of a routine at first. ill tell u how it helped me, what to do is set a time for breakfast lunch and dinner and at that time roughly u must eat sumthing no matter how u feel. that will make sure ur eatin regularly, when i realise tha u feel better n have more energy u can then start not having a routine, so from now on sumthin gmust accompany ur tea!!!

and belive me u wnt get fat at all!!! this is the hard bit, but push urself, if u do this u will have energy and life in u!

xx
922 bekki // Feb 21, 2009 at 2:36 pm

thanks to everyone here for bein so supportive i find that havin set meal times really helps at the mo and havin similar things everday. i still get confused by things like cereal i dont know how much to put in the bowl but im going to keep trying. hopefully ill get somewhere better to live soon, things seem more posetive now i hav more support. ill help in any way i can, iv bin through the shit n back, slowly im rebuilding my life. xx
923 Tracie // Feb 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Hi Bekki,
U are definitly headed in the right direction.
I can relate to ur ups and downs.

Hey can u believe they actually put us in a mental health ward in the hospitals,but i tell u i am not mental.Its just a mind game,and learning how to ignore Ana.
When i was in patient i would mess with my Dr. just because i could.LOL( kind of mean though).

I know i learned alot of different ways off of the other girls on how to do certain things with food to get away with it.
Now i realise i was only hurting myself.
Don’t beat urself up over not getting the right amount food intake just get it in you.
You have been through alot,and i am here if u wanna talk.

TTYL,
Tracie
xoxoxoxo
924 Aliyah // Feb 21, 2009 at 3:43 pm

bekki- ino its hard sumtimes to know how much to eat, but honestly, right now, eat as much as u can. u wil not get fat. stay true to urself, its so important and dnt deprive urself. remember anorexia is slow suicide.

and yh uno set urself, routine times for now if it helps and learn to feel comofrtable with food. but always eat it no matter what, its for ur good. its ur MEDICINE.

x
925 Megan // Feb 21, 2009 at 11:19 pm

hey Bekki,

We all on this site know how 2 relate 2 portion sizes. All last year when Ana was at it’s worse for me, I would freak out about measuring my food. In the morning, I would literaly measure EVERYTTHING!! I would even measure how much jam or butter to put on a piece of toast. It was horrible!! Ana can get SOOO controlable. So, in order to sync youself back to normal again you gotta slowly find the true voice (I know it’s hidden deep inside you) and listen to it NOT ANA!! Ana WANTS you to feel sick, and feel like you are winning when really u arn’t!! It’s all just a fake lie. And in order to make this lie dissapear you just gotta try your best to eat. Trust me, I know it’s hard but in time that evil voice does dissapear! The more you eat the less you will hear it!! Good luck hun! And if you ever wanna talk I have email, MSN, & facebook!! we are all here for you girl!!!! I BELIEVE YOU CAN FIGHT THIS ENEMY!!! xoxoxox♥
926 bekki // Feb 24, 2009 at 3:06 pm

hi every1!
thanks for bein so nice im really glad i finally hav support for something that has been brushed under the carpet by family, friends and my psyciatric team. theyre just tell me im slipping or im doin well n thats it. iv had an ace day!after bein in hospital so long, no college wud take me (bin refused 5 times!)but iv found 1 thats near my residential home n im startin a hairdressin course on friday!bought some vegan pancake mix n had a pancake for the first time in years.its bin a good day, its as if ana has been quietened a little cheers u guys xx
927 Tracie // Feb 24, 2009 at 7:05 pm

OMG Bekki,
U are Vegan so am i.
Unfortunantly not by choice,but i have learned to live with it.

For everyone who doesn’t know i am PKU.
Easy way to explain i am allergic to ALL protein.
I was born this way so i guess weight gain has always been a problem with me.
When i was inpatient they (Drs.) made me eat 4800 calories a day,cause i wouldn’t gain nothing.
Needless to say i don’t eat 4800 anymore thank god.

Anyways Bekki u are doing wonderful.
Congrats on a Beautician.That is such a craft in my eyes.
Keep up the great job.

Love,
Tracie
928 bekki // Feb 27, 2009 at 4:12 pm

hi tracie
it must be really difficult bein alergic to protein, i find it quite difficult bein vegan sometimes cos where i live is northen england, where people eat meat with every meal and stick two fingers up to animal rights. they always look at me funny but im stickin to my beliefs its gud that u dont hav 2 eat that many calories anymore, i know weightgainin diets are awful when ur an impatient.
my first day at college was a bit stressful, went to meet my class and was doin ok until someone said ‘errr your a goth, i hate goths’ which was stupid cos the beautician uniform is all black and my hairs naturally black cos my family are from a travelling backgroud. but it still knocked my confidence, i can never seem to be accepted people r always pickin my faults. ill keep on trying though, really enjoy the work side of things.
how are you guys doin anyway, iv talked about myself for ages lol xx
929 Lulu // Feb 27, 2009 at 5:09 pm

I lost all of my weight due to a heartbreak. After 2 and 1/2 years hovering between 79 and 102, I finally gained weight this fall.

Now the same man has broken my heart again. He’s very abusive but I truly feel that there is no one else for me. For a while, he blamed my weight loss saying that if I were at a normal weight he would be more attracted to me,things would be easier,etc. Now that I’m there he’s found other things to have trouble with and I feel that all my hard work gaining weight was for naught. Now I can feel myself slowly losing my appetite and I’m holed up in my apartment. I just want to die. I have no family and only one other person besides him who cares about me and that person leads a very busy life and does not have much time for me.

I know I’m going to die this time. I just didn’t think I would die alone like this.
Lulu
930 Aliyah // Feb 27, 2009 at 5:12 pm

bekkie- u may feel people dnt accept u, but uno on this u are, you are what u are, lfe is to short to care what others say, just enjoy urself and eat well. have energy to live ur life!!

just keep telling urself, anorexia is slow suicide, dnt use food as a control for feeling like ur not accepted. be in control by eating what u like and focusin on the what u like about u! bet ur such an amazing person and u dnt give urself any credit

happppyinesss!!
931 Aliyah // Feb 27, 2009 at 5:17 pm

lulu- im so sorry to heard about ur heart ache and abusive past. u dnt deserve this, but do uno what u deserve? a happy life, and uno what else? u can get it, do uno how? by eating well. if ur going thru an emotioaly hard time and stop eating, your body cant cope. come on be strong, and eat, give ur body strenght to overcome ur awful situation.
have u gt anyone close u can go to? please dnt stop eating you dont want to die, that is all anorexia speaking.

life can hold so much for you, get strong and get over what happened, go to counceling, talk to someone, and ull feel happy, so much happier and free. that sound better than , death doesnt it?

ino u can do it

xxx
932 isabella mori // Mar 7, 2009 at 11:54 pm

hi everyone – it’s isabella, the owner of this blog. haven’t said hello for quite a while. just want to let you know that i’m always thinking about you, and wishing you well, with all my heart.

i’ve also gotten in touch with lulu – want to make sure she’s ok …
933 bex // Mar 10, 2009 at 11:28 am

hi,im bex im 14 im finding it very hard to recover from anorexia my councillor has given me 3 weeks to gain weight or ill be admitted to hospital.im taking him seriously but i just cant get the exercise obsession out of my head and im terrified that im likely to be hospitalised but it doesnt help with the obsession all i want to do is be like everyone else and enjoy life and think differently towards weight and food but i feel as though knowone can help me so they just admitt me to a hospital can anybody help me? ive only got a week left until he asseses me and i just cant bear the thought of gaining any weight
934 Tracie // Mar 10, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Hi Bex,
My name is Tracie,and i have been in recovery for 5 years now.
I understand on what ur Therapyist is saying.
I have been hospitalized for my Anorexia,and it is not fun.
Sweetheart food scares you,and it scared me too.As with all the girls on this site.
Make a suggestion to your Therapyist on a medication called Clonidine.It helps u gain weight.That is what i am on.
Ana(Anorexia)is a mind game.Its like having an evil twin who is slowly killing you.
The head games are very intense,but you can overcome this Disease.
You have too honestly WANT IT!
Sometimes getting hospitlized is the best thing.(It was for me).
Do u Binge and Purge?Or just restrict ur self?
Here is an example of myself.
I starved myself.I would take 1 bite of something,and in my head i was good for the day!I loved the FEELING of being hungry,but after awhile those hunger pains went away,and i was never hungry.
So when i entered inpatient i wasn’t gainging weight so they (Drs)increased all food intake.
I went from maybe 25-30 calories aday to 4800 calories aday. You are watched 24 hrs aday.
When u eat ,have to go to bathroom,showering.
No exercise at all.I cried my entire first week i was there.I begged my nutritionist to liquify all my food.Of course answer is always NO!
U could try it this way start with babyfood,and work ur way back to solids.Thats also what i did.
Don’t let this other side of u take control sweetie you are stronger than that.

Do me a favor!One time when ur alone use ur oppsite hand u write with and write a letter to that little girl inside.It might surprise on how SHE FEELS.

I’m here for u Bex!Don’t give up.YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
All the girls on this site are awesome,and will have some great advice for u.
I am probably the oldest on here,but i am very open to my recovery.
You can ask me any question.I am here for u.

Love,
Tracie xxxxxx
935 Megan // Mar 10, 2009 at 2:49 pm

Hi there Bex!
First off I would like 2 welcome you to the site & introduce myself… hehe! Well, my name is Megan I am 18 years old, and am currently recovering from Anorexia myself. I’m not however super thin, I’m moreless suffering from it pysychologicaly because I’m at a healthy weight but I hear the voice that tells me 2 restrict, and exercise but I’ve noticed that in time it dissapears. Mine all started when I was obese. Yes believe it or not I was weighing in at about 245! So many people would tell me how good I looked, and it pushed me 2 loose more and more. I liked the strength that it gave me, the less I ate the more I thought I was “winning”. Bex, truth is UR NOT WINNING! You are letting Ana control YOU , and the more you listen to it the stronger it becomes and the more it deprives you of yourself identity. It’s a horrible nasty disease that just keeps you driving on a road the leads to NO WHERE! Although it makes you believe you are going somewhere. I was like that 4 a long time. I believed by listening 2 my “evil sister” she would lead me to where I should belong. Ana is just a voice, and a voice can so eaisly be turned to a whisper and in time that whisper can dissapear. I know it’s really really hard to come to terms with it, but you just have to believe that change will and does happen! Who wants to feel dizzy, sick, and cold all the time? We ARE young and we have sooooo much 2 live 4. Ana just ends up taking our lives away from what we love doing the most. I was obsessed with exercising as well, I thought that by not doing it I would end up gaining like 5 lbs that day… But really, Its natural for our weights 2 flactuated. Everyones does! And you also have 2 belive you are MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER!!! I hardly ever weigh myself any more, you just learn to slowly let go. I know it’s a shock when you see the numbers go up but as long as you look healthy than you are fine! And if you gain really fast, it’s basicaly just water weight. Your weight in time will even out. I and everyone else is here 4 you hun. We’re in this together. We can fight THIS!!! STAY STRONG!! I am always here and am open 2 any conversation. So if you have facebook/email/MSN let me know and am always happy 2 talk. Take care your in my thoughts!! xoxoxoxox
my email…. perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com
936 Kelly // Mar 13, 2009 at 10:55 am

Hey everybody-

I came to this site because i am recovering from anorexia and bulimia. I had had this disease since i was in the 7th grade, and now i am a freshman in college so its going on 6 years now- which sickens me and makes my heart break. At my worst i was 88 pounds and i am 5″0′ , my period stopped and i was always light headed and my joints would shake. This disease sucked me in and took over my life. Little my little i got sick of the stares and the rumers at school- i actually quit my job because of rumers of me having a eating disorder and my boss confronting me about it. whenever someone brought it up i would run away. I got sick of being by myself, stuck in this adiction and i dont know how but little by little i started to gain weight. Now i weigh 95 pounds which i feel good at, but many other people still think im too thin. I dont know what to do because i want to be better but i keep getting sucked back in and ill skip meals. the worst part is is that one of my best friends is suffering from anorexia and she is getting to the point where i was at my worst and instead of helping her i am jealous of her and i wish i was back there with her. she is coming to visit me at school today so all week i have been “dieting”. i am a aweful friend, and im hurting the both of us by letting this happen. if anyone has ne advice i would really really appreicate it.

One last thought- when i went through and read these post, i cried. i cried because i feel for each and everyone of you, because i know how hard it is, and because it felt so freeing to know that you all have experiences like mine. i thank you all for sharing because it just feels so right to talk about my past and present issues. i know this will help us. good luck everyone. god bless.
937 Michelle // Mar 13, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Hi my name is michelle and i’m turning 18 in less than a month. i’ve been struggling with restricting for about 2 years and have really bad body image thoughts. every time i eat something, i think i gain weight. I cut out as much fats as possible. I can not stand using butter. butter is my biggest fear. Everytime i look in the mirror, all i see is fat. fat, fat, and more fat. I just can’t seem to get over how i look.
I am currently in my second treatment. Last time i got down to 90lbs and im 5’5 1/2. This time i’m down to 104lb but i see myself as huge. Is this considered a low weight? because i don’t really see it as low. Right now at treatment, they want me to stay there until i hit 114 at the least, but they want me to gain more. I am TERRIFIED of gaining that much weight. weighing that much will just make me go crazy. I hate to think that i will have to gain that much weight. I want to get rid of my eating disorder, but can’t seem to get rid of these thoughts. Anyone have any ideas? i’m kind of at a loss right now. but i REALLY do want to be normal and eat normal again.
938 Tracie // Mar 13, 2009 at 4:57 pm

Hi Michelle,
Welcome!My name is Tracie,and i am a recovering Anorexic of 5 years now.
Are u currently Hospitalized?
I am the same height as you,and my team of Drs. tell me i need to be at 145lb.OUCH!!!!
Are u inpatient?Its hard huh?
I too have been hospitalized.My lowest weight was 93lbs,and 35 years old.I left the hospital at 104lb.It took me realisticly 5 years to actually gain the correct weight.They put me on a weight gain medication called Clonidine.
it did its job,but now i want to stop taking that medication,but the Drs. wont let me.GREAT!!!

I know what u mean on being afraid to eat a certain food.I have a ritual with breakfast,and at lunch i try to takein as much food as i can,cause i don’t like to eat at night.
I am a Vegan.Not by choice.I am allergic to all protein.FUN!!!!
The one thing you need to know is YOU CAN BEAT THIS!!!!She (Ana)is beatable.She is just that little voice in our heads telling us you don’t need it,but in reality WE do.

This is how i justfy my food intake:
A car needor s gas to run or it will die!WE need food oe WE WILL DIE!!!!
Sweetie this is a quiet disease that kills u from the inside out!
I’ve had a heart problem from Ana,my entire mouth is rotten,and need ALOT of work.

Let me ask u something?Don’t u not want to be talked about anymore?
Don’t u want to wear shorts during summer?
Don’t u want to not feel the chills ALL THE TIME!!!?
You can do this and be healthy.
You are more than a number.You are more then the reflection in the mirror.You are more than the number on the scale!

We are all here for u,and WE will all conqer this together.Dont let that B*%CH control ur life.
You deserve to Live,and Love Life.

I am always here for u.
For-Ever Connected,
Trace xxxxx
939 Aliyah // Mar 14, 2009 at 3:13 am

bex- i was 14 when i first had ana. ino how u feel its not nice at all, everyone stellin u must get better and u feel like u dnt want to. but hun you NEED TO. u r not gaining weight, u r regaining what u lost. and belive me, u will eventually feel better for it, it may seem like im just sayin that but im not, you realy must eat and win and beat anorexia. ino in your heart of hearts you know that too

michelle- guess what? URNOT FAT. every person with anorexia thinks theyre fat and they are not, they never wil be dony worry. all ur doing is regainin weight u lost, and uno what? all thats comin out of gettin better, is that u will have u heath back, and u will be able to go and eat and enjoy urself and be social!!! ino we all have food fears, i used to be scared of butter, but slowly,, add a tiny bit to ur toast, then the next day a little more, and uno what?! the toast tastes better, u enjoy it, and that much butter wud never make u fat! ino what the thoughts r like, and uno what? they get better as u eat more, thats what always happens cause u realise that ur happier feeling healthy and looking well. try it, it works. stick in there and eat regulary small meals it keeps ur metabolism going
ANOREXIA IS SLOW SUICIDE.
940 Aliyah // Mar 14, 2009 at 3:19 am

kelly- i had anorexia and bulimia for years, and ill tell u now, i ruined my periods, i still havent had them back properly, and i hope im not gn ab einfertile. also, my bones are weaker and im not how i used to be and i regret it all. right now, im th ehappiest i have been cause i have gained weight, i look better, i look healthy and i feel better. i have realised there is noting to gain from losing weight, were not in control then. i can imagine hw u feel about ur friend but thats all anorexia talking. you must help her, anorexua is a big killer, its slow suicide so please eat, get ur frend help and learn to love urself. ino how u feel trapped and unhappy but u dont have to be, theres so much more to life than food and u r more thana number!!dont diet ur harmin ur body and by eatin u wnt get fat tell urself u must regain what u lost ok?
i think u and ur frend shud get help, go to counceling it does help and help each other eat.
in ur heart of hearts uno u must nt let her get worse, u dnt want to lose her foreveer. whats more important here now? a frend and life or being skinny?
anorexia wil say skinny, but she wants u to die.
stay strong, and eat. its the way out of this horrible hell. and its the only way
941 Tracie // Mar 14, 2009 at 9:03 pm

Hi Bekki,
As for people making comments on the way u look.Think of this “they are just ignorent,because they obviously have no idea what goth is”.
I get that alot with being a Vegan.Where i live hunting is very big.There is parts of our town where people still live off the land,and here i come asking for veggies,and rice..LOL
I laugh at them,cause honestly there All over weight.
At least i eat healthy,and i know i can look at myself in the mirror,and be proud of what i see.
That is what i want u to do Bekki…
Be proud of who u are,and what WE all try to accomplish on a daily basis.
I will write again soon.

ForEver Connected,
Trace xxxxx
942 bekki // Mar 15, 2009 at 8:20 am

hi bex
i really hope you can manage at home, being an impatient has caused me a lot of problems, socially and mentally
i hav few friends left cos i was in for over 2 years
they made me eat meat when im a VEGAN!!
they watched me in the bath/ on the toilet
they took my cigs off me (aaaaaaggghhhh!!!)
i now live in a homeless shelter with people who break everything and shout and swear. im heare til im 18. FUN!!!
so please, keep trying girl, i wish i’d knew how bad hospital would be then i could have pushed myself a little more. i know you can do this, you want and deserve better xx
943 bex // Mar 15, 2009 at 12:25 pm

hi everyone,thank you for your replies i feel so relieved that i can finally talk to someone that knows what im going through its given me a little more of a push ill let u all know how it goes when i go 4 my next oppointment xx
944 Megan // Mar 15, 2009 at 9:28 pm

Hey girls,
Seeing as everyone else is giving a new update I may as well do the same as I haven’t in a while! Haha.. omg I’ve gained sooo much weight since Christmas 2 be exact… About 15 lbs in total. I’m scared 2 set foot on the scale any more. Which I guess in a way is a good thing? I just find myself eating sooo much sweet things (cookies r my weakness and penut butter!) I’m just enjoying sooo many foods that I guess I didn’t get enough of before. I don’t even hear the voices as much as I used 2! But I feel as if I am just letting myself go… I look sooo flabby now. And I have hardly been exercising. I used 2 be able 2 restrict myself and feel ana grab a hold of me yelling in my ear telling me what to eat and what not to. I do miss her, in a way cause it made me feel IN CONTROL. I’m trying 2 stay strong and tell myself “no ur at a healthy weight now, she’s all fake don’t listen”. I hope she doesn’t come back, but I’m gaining sooo much weight like mad right now. I can hardly fit in my clothes and I hate the way my flab hangs out 2. Ughh maybe it is just ana? Idk anymore… it just feels like I am going from one extreme to the other. any one else feel the same things?
945 Aliyah // Mar 16, 2009 at 8:42 am

megan- hey i think ur doing amazing!!! putting on weight is normal, and ur enjoying it so dont hold back. ino u mite feel uncofortable sumtimes, but come on, do u really wanna go bak to hell and starvation? nope didnt think so. make urself feel good, so what r ur good parts of ur body u like? what aspects of ur persoanlity do u like?
remember, ur not in control when anas there, she is controlling u, and that is not a good thing!
i have days where i eat a lot more than usual or whatever, but i just tell myself, ok so what, i need it, i want to eat it so i will!

were more than numbers
946 isabella mori // Mar 16, 2009 at 2:13 pm

here is a message from tracie in response to kelly:

Hi Kelly,
Let me first say WELCOME to our amily.
My name is Tracie,and i am a recovering Anorexic of 5 years now.
First and for most you are starting in the right direction.You haven’t given up….
I can relate to all that you are saying.I was 35 yrs old,and 93lbs at 5ft 4in. when i got hospitalized.
Now i am at a healthy weight of 30lbs,and 40 yrs old.
This disease is beatable.You can do this. I do have a team of Drs.,and i am a Vegan. (Not by Choice)
Sweetheart what it comes down to is DO U WANT TO GET BETTER?
I think i can answer for all of us on here WE DO!
I’m sure ur sick of being cold during summer.The stares are unreal that i
became a home body.I secluded myself from the world,and it was just ME,and
ANA.I felt safe with her,in control of my life,when really i was withering
away.
Just an FYI-at 5 ft ur ideal weight is 125lbs,and ur at 95lbs.
I know its scarey gaining weight.I am still scared to this day,and want to
lose weight,but have to realize that is the voice in my head.(Ana)Don’t let
that voice take control.You are slowly killing yourself.
You deserve to eat,and feel beautiful.Sweetie think of ur car.A car needs gas to start.WE need food to live.If not u die.Just like the car wont
start.
Take it one step at a time or even one bite at a time.
The girls on here are very knowledgable, and we truly sometimes get through
the day with one another.
Megan is a sweetheart,and will give u great advice.
As for rmyself i can tell u what i did to my body.
I was diagnosed with a heart problem Right Bundle Branch Block.I think that
is when reality really checked in for me.
Being hospitalized for 6 weeks,and on 24 hr. watch.
My work of place gave mea nickname skinny minnie,and that was because i
wore a size 12 in girls in my 30′s.
I thought i looked good,but instead i looked like a corpse.
I wrote a letter to the little girl inside, and found out she was starving, and i needed to feed her.
I couldn’t let her down nor my husband, and daughter.

I am always here for you,and if u have any questions i am very honest with
my addiction.

Feel free to ask me anything.

For-Ever Connected,
Trace
xxxxxxxxxx
947 Megan // Mar 16, 2009 at 8:16 pm

Hey Aliyah!
Aw, it was so good 2 hear from u again!! Long time noo tlk. I guess its hard that we live in different time zones cause we never seem 2 be on MSn @ the same time eh? Lol! Yeah I think I am pretty well Ana free now.. but I still get the thoughts u know what I mean? And when I think back I can’t believe how much hell I put my body through. AHH! How are u doing? How is Ana? I hope u r still ok!! Ahh I totally know what u mean about eating more than some days. I do that ALLOT! I will jus randomly binge eat…
Um, I guess the best part of my body is my upper stomach part. I still HATe my hips 2 my legs. Lol. Excepy my calves r small. hehe. And my personality has pretty well stayed the same, I think. But I’m not as “bitchy” I guess u would say!! haha. how are u like now?
948 Tracie // Mar 16, 2009 at 8:39 pm

Hi Girls,
How r all of u doing?I’m good.I think i have beaten Ana or at least right now i have.
My Dr. did a weigh in,and i am at a decent weight.As the Drs. say a” healthy weight”.I don’t know about all of u,but healthy weight to me is another word for Fat.
I can’t stand that word “Healthy”.I know lame huh!So i can’t lie i have put myself back on a diet.
I eat yogurt,and 1 piece of fruit for breakfast,and another yogurt for lunch,then a salad for dinner.
Does that sound too bad?

TTYL,
Trace xxxxxx
949 Megan // Mar 17, 2009 at 8:52 am

Ahh I can so realte 2 Tracy. I’ve been restricting and going back 2 Ana somewhat 2. My breakfast consits of a banna or a yougrat, than I have plain lettuce with a bit of low fat dressing for lunch or just some baby carrotts, but come dinner time I end up eating more. I feel the same way my family keeps on saying “I look better”, and that just tells me that I’ve just thrown everything away….
950 Aliyah // Mar 17, 2009 at 11:39 am

megan- heyaaa!! yeha ino its been so long
ive beeen good thanks, eating loads, but uno what i feel happy and i like it, and sum days i get no ana thoughts its sooo goood!
its achievable, just dont focus on food so much, there is so much else going on in the world cept what we are eating! ( or not as the case may be).

but im also gettin acupuncture, i wud recomment it to any recocering anorexic. it helps to relax me and bring my body into harmony, helpin me feel more at ease with myself.

oo u like ur thighs! see how as soon as u sed sumthing, that was positive u immediately added a negative comment. no negativeity ok! ur beautiful! do not restrict u have come sooooo far , never go back ever!
r u at college? what else u been doing with urself?

xx
951 Megan // Mar 17, 2009 at 9:46 pm

aww thats great 2 hear Aliyah!! Ur doing sooo well. Keep it up girl!! Do u still weigh urself do u find? I’m actually scared of the scale now, cause I know I’ve gained weight so I would rather not know my weight any more. It’s also a way 2 recover 2. Wow acupunture? Ive always wondered about that stuff… lol. Um, haven’t been up 2 much lately well on march break now just relaxing though and enjoying our nice spring weather. Nope not in college yet next year I will though can’t wait!! How is school going with you ??
952 Aliyah // Mar 19, 2009 at 1:04 pm

megan- heyyyy! nah i dnt really weigh myself, i dont care im not a number im aliyah! and u megan are megan not a stinky number!
yeah dnt weight urself! keep going as ur going and just enjoy food. life is tooooo short!
aww coool, yeah im at uni, studying psychology, harddd work but ilike it what u gna do at college?

xx
953 alienz // Mar 19, 2009 at 8:28 pm

hello, good post

alienz’s last blog post..Graffiti Photos
954 Megan // Mar 19, 2009 at 8:31 pm

Hey Aliyah!!
Aw that’s sooo good that u r over Ana! WOOTS!! I’m trying my best NOT 2 weigh myself, but sometimes I just feel the urge 2. Do you ever get that way still? Or get the odd voices? Omg that sounds awesome about taking psych!! I took that course last semester and found it really really interesting!! But yes I agree LOTS of hard work.. I am going to be studying journalism. I loveee writing and it’s jus something I can’t give up! So y not try and do something with your skills? Lol. If it doesn’t work out.. I will transfer to a social work course cause I wanna be a councelor a little bit 2!! Esp. for those suffering from Ana!
955 Nature // Mar 19, 2009 at 10:17 pm

Hello everybody.

I thought I’d join the group if you would welcome me, hehe…

I’m a 15 year old girl turning 16 this year, and I have suffered with an ED for almost two years now. Right now I weigh about 99 pounds, and although it is a healthy weight for my height (5’2″) and age, it is rather on the low side. I also suffer from depression, and have been doing nothing but sitting on my bum for the past few months, and amazingly, still lost weight! I was even put into the mental ward on March 12th, good god, -.-.

At the moment, I am trying to eat healthily. I seem to have slipped, though. I ate about 1.2-1.5k calories the past few days and now I’m just stuck at 850-950 this night. Btw, I’m just giving that range since I *always* over evaluate my intake. This is my first try at getting recovered. The other few times I just made myself eat due to the fact that I felt real weak, but it was just feeding a body with an anorexic mind. I’m trying to cure my mind AND body, but it seems difficult. I mean, I don’t even feel that it’s wrong to just eat only 900 calories even though it’s bad for my body. Like god, do these “took a step back” days get less common? Also, did anybody else have a problem with drinking fluids, whether it be water, juice, or other beverages? I can hardly drink a liter a day, and I know I need more. If any of you could offer me some insight it would be much appreciated.

Take care, and let’s keep fighting!
956 Aliyah // Mar 20, 2009 at 2:45 am

Megan- awwww . yeah of course get the voices sumtimes, and sumtimes i wanna weight myself, but i can overcome it, and u can too! i just say what good is it gna be weighingmyself! NONE. what good is it listenin to a stupid lying voice? NONE. so with that in mind, just enjoy life!
wow journalism! my uncles a journalist, im sure ull do great just dont let ana ever get in the way of ur dream ok?

nature- hey there, ok yeah ino how u feel, its hard to eat properly. i reccomend very strongly eating lots of food in small bits, so eat like 6 times a day but small amounts, it helps ur digestive system and ur metabolism. about the drinks, it mite get bloated alot easier to just try t drink little amounts regularly, and defo try to have energy drinks and stuff it really helps trust me.
dont lower ur intake, recovering anorexics need to have like 3000 cals, so honestly cutting ur intake is not good at all. and as u said u have depression and ino whats thats like, but have u seen a counceler and doctor? it will help. try to be positive, write down all the happy thoughts and write down what u have to look fwd to in ur life. show urself you deserve happiness cause u do!
957 Tracie // Mar 20, 2009 at 9:12 am

Welcome Nature,
U are at a wonderful site with alot of young women,and older(Me) who can give u great advice or just coping techniques.

When i first read ur post i wanted to give u the biggest hug!
I too have been hospitalised in the Mental ward(MHU),but yet were not crazy.
We have a war going on in our heads.Good thoughts vs Evil thoughts.
Ana(Anorexia)will always tell u ur too big,but deep down u know u need to eat.
Like Ali suggested start with small meals several times aday.
It seems difficult to drink a large amt. of anything.I can relate to that as well.
Think of what soundds good to u.
Fruit,salad,or even ice cream.
You can do this,and we will help u see the light at the end of the tunnel.
It wont be over night this will take awhile,but know everyday u put some type of food in ur mouth ur 1 step closer to a stronger recovery.
As like all the girls say on this site”YOU ARE MORE THAN A NUMBER”.
Your Nature,and you deserve to be happy,and healthy.

Sweetie i am here for u,and Megan,and Ali can give u wonderful advice as well.
U will also hear from LuLu.
She is wonderful with strength,and courage for all of us.

Please come back to talk.
Take care,and remember 1 bite at a time.

Love,
Trace xxxxxx
958 Megan // Mar 21, 2009 at 10:04 am

Aliyah,
Thanks girl!! Ur such an inspiration 2 follow and have helped me soooo much. Thanks SOOO much!! I can’t thank you enough. And I’m DEFFINTLY not gonna let Ana destroy my dream cause she’s all a fake.

Nature,

Welcome to the site!! My name is Megan, I am 18 yrs old and have been recovring from Ana since last year. I’m not a terribly low weight , but am more less just boarderline to Ana. I just give in psychologically and listen to the fake voice and can restrict allot and over exercise. I know how easy it is 2 give into the lie because she catches you and tries to trap you ever which way she can. But girl, YOU ARE HUMAN!! Youre young , and beautiful and you just deserve to live. Who wants to live a life where you are always feeling week and sick?? NOT ME! So you have to tell your self this, and think of all the time that you have missed because of that stupid voice always telling you what to do. She’s controlling. And you deserve to live your life the way YOU WANT TO!! And always remember like trace and everyone else says, YOU ARE MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER! I know we can fight this! We are all in here together!! WE DESERVE TO LIVE!! I am always here 4 u just like any of the other girls on this site. We are all like sisters hehe. Their really great so listen to Trace and Aliyah cause their sooo inspirational. And are like my shining stars. If you ever need me don’t hesitate to email. I also have facebook. Do you ? I hope to hear from you soon keep fighting nature!!
xoxo megan
email me! perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com
959 Tracie // Mar 21, 2009 at 11:36 am

Hey Girls,
Just checking in.Awwww Megan such sweet words thank u,but i think all of us on this site definitly help one another out when we are struggling.You and Ali are like a breath of fresh air knowing that u both experience the same struggles as myself as well as all of us on this site.
Thank u for being here for me.

I am doing ok w/Ana.I have been restricting a bit.I weigh a god awful number that i can’t even say out loud.
I feel like i can’t even capris.
Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.
See even being in recovery for over 4 years now i still feel i can fall at any moment.

Love Ya All,
Trace xxxxxxx
960 Aliyah // Mar 21, 2009 at 11:46 am

megan- aww ur sooooo sweeet ! iur most welcome, we all need constant reminder, that we have to fight the voice, were all fighting it, but none of us are going to lose ok?! stay strong, remember ur not a number, ur megan!

tracie- thank u ur sweet. stay strong and win. dont restrict, you dont need too and u shouldnt. when our brains and bodies are deprived we cant think straight. i used to find when i restricted the voices got worse, and when i didnt and i ate alot they gradually go away. your not a number! scales are for fish, your tracie, and you have so much to give. your a help to so many people on the site, but you must stay strong and fight too, just like you tell us all too :D

much loveeeeee

BE POSITIVE EVERYONE
961 Nature // Mar 26, 2009 at 10:17 pm

Hey, guys!

How are you all? By the way, thank you for the warm welcome and encouraging posts, . It made me feel better today.

It’s been exactly two weeks since I was at the psych (mental) ward, and when I got weighed there, I was actually 45.8kg so 100 pounds, almost 101. Now I’m being taken care of at CART (Child and Adolescent Response Team), which is like an emergency response team in my area until I get put into the ED clinic, woohoo! I got weighed today and I was at 98 pounds, . I actually felt disappointed that I lost weight – for the first time, too!

I just hope there isn’t too long of a waiting list for the ED clinic… I have to hang in tight until then.
962 Aliyah // Mar 29, 2009 at 2:58 am

nature- heyy! glad uve been good! i hope u are eating well and stayin strong. please try to put on weight and when u do, dont fee bad ok? i remember when i was at that stage, and i was puttin on weight every week i felt horrible, but after a while its over and ur healthier and u do honestly feel happier so well done:) hang in there !
963 Nature // Mar 31, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Thanks Aliyah!

I have actually been eating well for the past three-four days. I thought I binged, LOL, but when I looked back and thought deeply, it was quite a normal amount since I never exceeded 2k calories a day.

Also, did any of you have phases in which you didn’t feel hungry but also didn’t feel full when you ate either? I heard it’s your body’s hunger and fullness cues being messed up due to the restriction, but I get uncomfortable when I do experience them since my mind goes, “Oh em gee, what if I don’t feel full? What if I keep on eating and eating?” However, right now they’re starting to balance out, and my panic didn’t send me into restriction (even though I felt like having the control) so hooray for that!

Right now I’m quite free from the thought of food, and don’t think about what to have for breakfast and such the night before. Instead I’m starting to eat like I used to before – grabbing or making what I feel like at that moment although I do cater towards the healthy side.

I just hope that I won’t relapse or anything since when I had a few of these stages before, the ED grabbed me back down once again.

I’m doing okay today, I suppose. I’m not restricting myself or anything, but it’s already mid-noon here, and I didn’t really eat that much now to think of it. I also didn’t have any fluids besides the milk in the cereal. Did any of you experience not eating enough although you didn’t have restriction in your intentions? I think I’ll go shopping for groceries since I’m running out on cereal, XD. It’s good and rather weird and funny at the same time to see it not sitting in the cupboard for months, haha. I’ll make tea with milk for sure once I come back, .

Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well. Take care, and lots of love to you all!
964 Aliyah // Apr 1, 2009 at 2:00 am

NATURE- hey!! wow look at you!! im so proud of you, even just listenin to how ue been is amazing! u sound so much better, dont u feel happier?
and yes dont restrict. and yes at one point i wud eat whats on my plate but still feel hungry, if u ever feel hungry eat ok? ur still in a crucial phase where u have to eat a lot extra ok?
if you make sure u eat regularly and eat a lot, and make sure its a varied diet u wont relapse. if u start to restrict , ur body will be starved of nutrients and its not gna help.
and yep ur right ur cues are a bit messed up, but they get better u have to eat regularly and eat enuff and they balance out. ur body will only want u to eat what it needs, it will tell u , ur full when it has enuff food. trust ur body, dont trust ana!

keep eating and being free! and if u ever feel down, just remember its gna have hard and good days, just make sure u remember and think about the good days and the benefits of getting better when u feel down.

xx
965 Nature // Apr 1, 2009 at 5:10 pm

Egad, thanks once again Aliyah.

I’m not doing too well today. I should try to stop counting calories. I hate it when I start panicking.

The people at CART told me that it’s most likely going to take until June to get into the ED clinic, . That’s two months of waiting! I hope I don’t relapse or anything although I feel as if I’m going to. They said they would refer me into the mental health clinic, though, until I do get into the ED (they know how to deal with ED’s as well, or so they said). Hopefully I’ll make it through all of this.
966 Tracie // Apr 1, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Hi Nature,
I am so proud of u on ur beginning stages.
Keep telling urself u can do it.
Just take it one day at a time.

I am having a hard time right now.I have reached a decent weight,but my reality i FEEL LIKE A FAT COW!!!!!
My legs are larger,thighs,and stomache.I am having a REAL HARD TIME!!!!
I actually have been so ashamed i was afraid to come on here.
See Nature,and i have been in recovery for 4 years,and i will always be a recovery anorexic.

I kind of wish i was inpatient,but more to lose weight.

I wish all of u complete success.This is a daily process and challenge to overcome.
I know tomorrow will be better.(I HOPE).

Tracie xxxxxxxx
967 Aliyah // Apr 2, 2009 at 2:08 am

nature- u will make it thru!! i know it! you have done very wlel so far and you need to stay motivated ok? write down a list of lal the benefits of getting better it does help. and i used to calorie count all the time, it takes a long time for it to stop, i still do it sumtimes. th ebest way, is to eat thing that doesnt havethe nutriotnal value. it makes it easier to eat it all.

good luck, and keep eating. 2 months for the clinic will go by in no time!

x
968 Megan // Apr 3, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Nature,
Aww I am sooo proud of u girly!! Keep staying strong! And remember “Anorexia is just a voice, and in time a voice can evantually be led to a whisper, and in time a whisper will evantually disappear forever”. It’s just a little quote I made up and try to live by each day. Hehe! Hope it helped?
Trace,
You are going through the exact same thing as me right now!! Ahh it’s crazy how ALIKE we r!! Lol. Kool eh? I am at my normal healthy weight right now but I still keep on binging and its all cathing up 2 me as all my clothes r tight. And I hate how my stomach protrudes and thighs and legs are bigger. I feel like all my hard work just went 2 a waste. It’s really annoying right now too, because I gain weight wayy 2 eaisly!! Like my weight is still up and down. Is this normal? Any of u girls have this 2? Like one day u are really flabby and like 5 lbs heaveir, than the next the weight will go down a little? Also, do u have those days where u are at ur lightest weight? Like sat. is usually my light day I’ll wake up and find myself like 5 lbs light but than by the end of the weekend I will pile it on again. I HATE IT!! I’m just sooo fusterated with my weight because it won’t stay the same!!
969 Aliyah // Apr 3, 2009 at 3:15 pm

megan- heya sorry to hear ur frustrated but remember, no one else sees it, honestly, its all going to be overexageratedin ur mind, just ignore ana! how often do u weigh urself? naturally everyones body flunctuates upto 7 pounds in a day so its natural just depending on food and water its not real weight. thats why ur not supposed to weigh urself too often, it sets mixed unreal messages.

i dont weigh myself well hardlyy ever it helps and i just njoy what i eat i culdnt care less about ana! i am not letting her ruin my day and make me feel like shit and u shuldnt either megan!

be strong, forget thescales an just enjoy ur life. u look alot healthier and bettwe and normal, ur not a walkin skeleton that is something to be proud of. anorexia is just slow suicide. be strong xx
970 Tiff // Apr 3, 2009 at 7:00 pm

Hey my name is Tiff and I am 18 years old and I weight 118 pounds and I am 5’8″.
I struggle with what I eat and how much I eat, I am sick of counting calories I write down each thing I eat and calculate each food item except fruits and veggies. Everyday I range between 400-600 calories a day. And when I go over 600 I feel terrible. Today I went way over and crashed and ate over 1,300 calories I feel like crap and I just really need some help and advice. I know I need help but I still cant get over how much I ate today I deff. think I have a problem.
971 Tiff // Apr 3, 2009 at 7:23 pm

Hey my name is Tiff and I am 18 years old and I weight 118 pounds and I am 5’8″.
I struggle with what I eat and how much I eat, I am sick of counting calories I write down each thing I eat and calculate each food item except fruits and veggies. Everyday I range between 400-600 calories a day. And when I go over 600 I feel terrible. Today I went way over and crashed and ate over 1,300 calories I feel like crap and I just really need some help and advice. I know I need help but I still cant get over how much I ate today I deff. think I have a problem. I also face the problem where I cant talk to anyone about this because I just moved to the area and I cant seem to make friend because I never want to go out to eat because I dont want to gain weight and I dotn want to go out to eat and have people judge me for my ocd about what I eat. My mom is like my best friend but I cant tell her because I dont want her upset.

Also like I have a set eating amount each day
everyday I eat 1 cup of fiber1 cereal… an apple… 60 calorie pudding another cup of fiber 1 cereal =120 calories… then for dinner some brocolli and progresso soup= 60 calories thats a good day anything more then that and I feel HORRIBLE. I just still cant get over how much I ate today I just want to scream I really need some HELP
972 Tracie // Apr 3, 2009 at 7:29 pm

Hey Girls,
Welcome Tiff you are at a great site where we can all relate to one another.
Latley i have been struggling,and calling myself names,which is not good.Rob noticed,and he made alot of sense.He said”Think about when u were hospitalized,and all the other girls,as well as the team of Drs u saw dailey.”How do u think they would feel if they saw u today”?
I went in my room(Safe Place),and thought about it!
This is what i came up with.To be able to get up in the morning,and not feel tired or cold or even too weak to play with my daughter.That is what i love most in life.Too talk to all of u and share my dailey experiences hoping that all of u will see “THE BEAUTY INSIDE EACH ONE OF YOU”.That is worth living for.Too know that there is a group of girls who WE can all rely on when WE DO STRUGGLE.That is worth living for.
I guess what i am trying to say is GOD has made us all different shapes,sizes,and colors.Too except who we are is the biggest challenge,but i have FAITH in all of u too make the right decisions,Because in the long run WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER!!!!

Tiff u can do this 1300 is not alot of calories.
For a young woman today it would be 2100 calories.
Remember Hun u need food to survive.
Don’t let the mind game win.I know Ana is strong,but Damn It WE ARE STRONGER…
We are all here for U,and Nature as well.

ONE DAY AT A TIME GIRLS!!!!!ONE DAY AT A TIME!!

For ever Connected,
Trace xxxxxxxx
973 Tiff // Apr 3, 2009 at 8:03 pm

That is true when I wake up I do feel very cold and weak but I force myself to work out so not only do i lose weight but i keep my body tone.. But I feel like since I have always eatin 600 calories or less eating 1,300 calories is a HUGE difference and I am scared how it will effect my body changin my calorie intake so derastically.

See I relaly want to eat more and be healthy and have energy to go on but i m so scared to gain weight because all through high school I weighted 155-165 which was horrible and now that i lost weight and everyone complemented me about it I am so scared to gain it all back. See in 8th grade i was small then gained weight and i dont want the ongoing cycle to happen again.
974 Tracie // Apr 3, 2009 at 8:58 pm

Hi Tiff,
I can totally relate to what u are saying.
Okay before i got Hospitalized in 06′
i was only taking in maybe 50 to 75 calories a day.When i went into the ED Clinic i was begging the staff to let me Drink my food,and that was a big fat no.
So i had to learn how to eat all over again.
I cried through every meal for 1 week straight.
On top of that i am allergic to all Protein so i had
to get all my calorie intake from fruits and veggies,and rice/potatoes.
It was very difficult.
I had to eat 4800 calories a day just to start gaining weight,and the staff never let me go down.I think it was because i was so under weight.
I went into Hosp. at 93 lbs at 28 years old,and left 6 weeks later at 102 lbs.
It honestly took me getting on a weight gain medicine called Clonidine.It works to well,but my current wont let me come off of it.

Now the reason i am telling u this is because u don’t ever want to go below 100lbs it is way to hard to gain back.
I was 36 yrs old,and i could wear my 9 year olds clothes.

Sweetie u don’t want to work out,and warm ur self up.You will eventually have a siezure,and pass out.That also happened to me (At least i was in the hosp. at that time)

If you want to eat healthy thats fine.I am a vegan,and i still get all my nutrients.
do ur fruits and veggies just maybe add some rice,and baked doritos.
Also a great help are the Boost Nutritional drinks.There alot of calories,but just start off slow.
I’m telling you Honey u DO NOT WANT TO BE HOSPITALIZED!!!It is the worst.
Counting calories,taking suppliments,being on 24 hour watch even when u have to go to the bathroom,and shower.
I know what u mean on counting calories.I can do that with my eyes shut.I have them aal memorized,and its hard t change ur ways.
I’m here for u Tiff.Any questions unfortunatly i have gone through more than my share whenit comes to Ana.
ALL OF US TOGETHER CAN OVER COME THE EVIL VOICE INSIDE!!!!!
Like everyone on here say”WE/U ARE MORE THAN A NUMBER!!!!!

ForEver Connected,
Trace xxxxxx
975 Aliyah // Apr 4, 2009 at 2:43 am

Tiff- hi. like tracie said ur on a site where we can all help you and all work together to beat ana! can i just say hw much ur eating is not enuff and thats why ur struggling with the voice. i had anorexia for 6 years, ive been thru it all, counties caloes, exercise, hating myself, not being to be social, not eating well, upsetin my loved ones.
you need to tell yourself, once and for all, you are going to beat this! you can, you just need to stay focused and positive. eat three healthy meals with snacs, and make sure u eat at least 2000 calories. scary it may seem, but as you REGAIN weight( your not even gaining any), you will see the voice gets less. so now if i have a bad day i eat more, the voice gets less. that is one of the keys to getting better, no restriction and lots of food.
we all had the same fear when we had to REGAIN our weight tha it wud keep going on and on and never stop, i used to be terrified, but iit doesnt happen, once u get to a healthy weight ur weight stabalises. i can see ur sick to death of ana, dont let ana be the death of you.
a child of 8 years old needs 1800 calories. Look how much ur undereating, u cannot ever gain weight with the amount u are. Feelings are not facts. ditch the scales, and stay truely motivated and true to yourself! you can win this, aboslutely we all did, we all fought and you can too. get in control girl!!
xx
976 Megan // Apr 4, 2009 at 8:46 am

Tiff,
First of a warm welcome to this site!! This is the place to be. Think of all of us like ur sisters we ALL ARE IN THIS TOGETHER!! And will help you through what ever way possible. I am also 18 too! Hehe. It sounds like we can relate ALLOT! I was a heavy girl in highschool, and that’s when my ana hit me. I wanted DESPERTLY to loose weight, and I didn’t care however I did it it , I just wanted to be “perfect” and fit in. I started exercising like mad, and restricted myself to eating as little as I could. I felt cold all the time, tired, and dizzy. But I didn’t care cause Ana was giving me strength 2 realise I was doing something good. I also went mad over my calories, I would calculate them sometimes even at school when ever there were breaks in between notes! Crazy eh? And like most anorexics, the scale became my best friend. I weighed myself over and over again. It got to be my daily obsessive habbit. Ana is like a drive, once we get in the drivers seat there is no way out. We just keep on driving on that misled road. But Tiff, you gotta fight!! Remember, Ana is just a stupid voice it’s not the real you! And remember, all voices can lead to whispers and in time a whisper can evantually disappear forever. Everything takes time. I’m here for you, along with all the other girls. And if you ever want to contact me I also have facebook, and MSN!! ok? take care ur in my thoughts xoxo Megan
977 Tiff // Apr 4, 2009 at 11:58 am

Thanks everyone for the advice but how do I go about fixing this I mean should I start eating 1,200 a day cause I doubt I can go over that considering I usually only eat 500 a day. Also I dont want to be scared away by eating so much more and gaining it all back ehh i just dont know how to go about this.
978 Tracie // Apr 4, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Hi Tiff,
Yes i would start at 1200 calories a day.
The Hospital would start u off at 1200,and monitor u.So go for it,and let us know how u feel when u do eat.Get the emotions out,and it will become easier.
On a lighter note:I went on a 2 mile bike ride today,and yes i hurt from head to toe,but at least i haven’t cut out food.
I am currently eating a salad.Lettuce,Cucomber,and 1 tbsp of cheese.
On my bike ride i also ate a PB&J.
Those are my favorite.So i feel great!(Today at least).

U can do it Tiff!!!!!!

ForEver Connected,
Trace xxxxxxxx
979 Aliyah // Apr 4, 2009 at 12:28 pm

tiff- yeah tracies right, start with what u can, do calorie count like crazy have set times that u have to eat no matter what. having a little routine i sgna help u just now and make sure u eat carbs, fats, proteins , fruit and veg and enjoy it. i wud also say try to eat with others and do sumthing like watch telly when ur eating so ur not thinkin about the food. good luck!

tracie- how r u? great job on the salad and eating the food on the bike i am going out to dinner 2moro, yahh for my bday. gna ave a huge plate of pasta i think yummm. ive not had ana for days, cause im eating lots. stick with it, dont calorie count and eat till ur hearts content ok? lifes too short

x
980 Tracie // Apr 4, 2009 at 1:06 pm

HI Ali,
I am doing good.Not letting Ana take control,but making healthier food choices.
Happy Birthday.Eat lots,and have a big piece of cake.You deserve it.
I am soooooo proud of u not thinking about Ana.
I have good days as well as bad,but just trying to keep it real.If Ya know what i mean.

Have fun tomorrow….:)

TTYL,
Trace xxxxxxxxx
981 bekki // Apr 4, 2009 at 3:15 pm

hi its bekki
nt havin a great time at the mo. i have nowhere to live again my mum n dad see me sometimes n they say i look ill, i cant weigh myself because i am scared. im trying to eat but i find it so much easier getting my calories through drinks like cappuchinos or vodkas. im plannin on runnin away to my cousins soon, so i can escape from all of this. im sick of doin what im told, takin the bipolar meds and eating ‘properly’ n stayin away from drugs. i am a misfit, and i am a bit of a tearaway bt its how i want to be, i dont care anymore xxx i want to escape from this pain the only way i can do it is through alchol calories and other substances i feel so guilty
982 Tracie // Apr 4, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Bekki,
Don’t give up or in to all what is around u.
I know what u mean on just numbing the pain away.I did the same thing!
Between Vodka like u ,and smoking sooooo much weed,and taking pain pills.
When i went in hospital they were very surprised i could function on how high my THC level was.
I was 93 lbs,and my levels were close to 1000 THC.
I’m not proud of it,but at the moment that it was i needed or so i thought.I don’t know where u live at,but i went to Sutter Hosp. In ca and i lived in Reno.
Sweetheart instead of giving up,and in i reccommend you call the closets Phyciatric Hosp. They will help u.I was at least able to take 1 pain pill a night so it would help me sleep,and the classes u take will help u in the long run.

Tell me where u are,and i can see what i can do 4 u?
I ‘m here 4 u Bekki all of us are.We can help u.
Give it a CHANCE!!!!!

Love,
Trace xxxxxx
983 Aries // Apr 7, 2009 at 11:09 am

I have a dear friend who is recovering from anorexia and she is at a self loathing place right now. I need to know how long this phase lasts. She is eating more to nourish herself but she has also injured her leg excercising too much so she can’t even do that. The combination of eating and not working out is making her hate herself to a dangerous level. What do I do????
984 Aliyah // Apr 7, 2009 at 12:03 pm

aries- hey, motivate and support her. self loathing, is just part of anorexia, i still feel it sumtimes. remind her of the positive things of gettin gbetter, make her think of a happy time when she liked herself. remind, her all shes doing is REgaining weight that she lost, shes not actually puttin any on.
i absolutel loathed myself at regainin stage, but after a while i got used to the fact my body was changing, i was reminded all the time of the posiitve , so just keep motivating and reminding her that way.

be patient, your a great friend, anorexia can be really frustrating for the loved ones, but stick with ur friend and if things get reallybad, take her to the doctor, cause counceling or something may help.

x
985 bekki // Apr 7, 2009 at 12:10 pm

hi every1
thanks tracie for your kind words, its so good to have people here for me, cos nt really many people are where i live in darlo
am feeling a lot better today hav bin out and bought a really nice dress n talked 2 my social worker about moving to sheffield where im originally from, hopefully itll b in a few weeks. i didnt get much sleep last night though, a close friend told me i should maybe stop bein vegan cos iv lost a weight since i left hospital in january n all i do is sleep all the time. i guess living off apples, rice cakes n beans cant b 2 healthy. she also said i should try and break the cycle of eatin the same thing everyday.so today i bought a veggie (nt vegan) ready meal n had it for tea.it took a lot of willpower bt i did it i actually feel a lot better than i thought i would.
986 Aliyah // Apr 7, 2009 at 12:14 pm

bekki- hey tht is so good! and yeah u definetly need to try n widen ur diet theres so many amazing foods out there very prud u had the veggie meal! so healthy too!! use that as a motivater and keep challenging urself and tryin newer foods like once every week.
and yeah u feel better when uve had proper food, not low calories stuff all day, because ur actually nourishing and looking after ur body!

i went out to eat today at dinner , had a whole plate of chicken and chips ! was so funny after but i felt happy and warm inside after, theres so much more to life than food eh? we shud not deprive ourselves! ever! im gna have sum chcolate in a minute actually

xox
987 Tracie // Apr 7, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Aries,
First of all ur friend is very LUCKY to have someone like u!
For recovery process WE are never fully Ana free.I have been in recovery since 2006.
I still struggle with the reflection WE see in the mirror.As for ur Friend talk with her gently.
There is some real health problems u get when struggling with Ana.
As for myself i got a Heart condition,aniexty,and siezures.
Please Just don’t give up on her.When she is ready,and she wants to talk or even vent tell her about this site.All of us girls actually care.
We are all like sisters,and give it to oneanother
straight.(If need be).
Alli,and Megan are wonderful,and can offer some great advice.As for myself i can offer the TRUTH on what will happen to ur body if WE keep Ana in control.

Please come back to the site,and keep us informed.

Trace xxxxxx
988 rynelle // Apr 7, 2009 at 10:51 pm

hey everyone. idk if anyone who has been posting on hear for a while remembers me… its been a loongg time, months, close to a year actually! i haven’t posted on here since last june :S so ill just say, im almost 16, and a little over a year ago i began my fight to recover from ana. this year has gone up and down, and i am now basically just one big mess. i’ve been having problems in every aspect of my life, all because of depression i think. i’ve been suicidal, and have had other self-harming behaviors. while i was getting help with ana it seems that i was developing more and more symptoms of bulimia. now i guess it’s a mixture of both… its complicated and confusing.
i just don’t know what to do anymore things are so out of hand. i’m sorry i stopped writing here, i’m not sure why i did. i have isolated myself from everything and everyone this past year or so, and now i’m paying the price and am wanting things back.
this is longer than i meant it to be… i guess i just wanted to say I’m back and am open to any suggestions i can get.. thx and hope everyone is doin alright and working hard! xo
989 Aliyah // Apr 8, 2009 at 2:17 am

ryenlle- hey remember me ??! i remember u and im so sorry to hear uve had a bad time! that sucks, ino how u feel though. i had anrexia and bulimia, and its very hard to break out the cycle. uisolated urself because u let anorexia control you.
can u go to the doctor , and get referred to a counceler?
and honestly, let me tellyou. REgain ur weight, eat 3 normal meals, and snacks, set times for it even and just stick with it no matter how u feel. once ur weight is normal, ur mind will function better, ana will be less, and ur hormones wnt be all over the place. life gets better, without an eating disorder belive me! i can go out to eat, have fun, and be me again, not sit worried about calories.
i think u shud sit, write down all the gains of getting better, and then focus on full recovery with NO restrciting whatso ever. if u eat more one day u cannot eat less the next day.

how does that sound? do u still weigh urself?

xx
990 rynelle // Apr 8, 2009 at 8:06 am

hey aliyah, i def remember u and im glad to hear you are doing so much better! im proud of u!
i don’t weigh myself… the scale was taken out of my house last year. and i try not to be tempted into weighing myself when i go somewhere where there is a scale, partly cuz i kno i wont be able to weight myself everyday and that would eat me up inside.. my weight isnt really that low, no where near as bad as it was last year when i started getting help. now my weight is just constantly up and down. at dance i know im one of the smaller girls my age. but not by a whole lot, im sure my weight is in the healthy range. it fluctuates AlOT tho i know that even tho my weight isnt extremely low and unhealthy looking, my body IS unhealthy and doesnt react normally to food. its messed up
im not sure what to do about counseling… last year when i went it didnt help at all. partly cuz i had/have a lot of trouble opening up, even when i really tried and wanted to i just wasnt able to really let everything out…i just felt akward and froze. having my mom involved in all of it i think contributed to that… the more she knew and the more involved she got, the harder it became for me to be honest with myself and everyone else, and the worse the bulimia got. also, she knows most of the counselors in schools, and mental health centers, etc. bcuz of her job, so that makes everything really uncomfortable, especially when i don’t want her involved. i dont even want her to know… im “fine” now in her eyes. a few of the teachers at my dance studio tho know that im struggling. i know they want to help me but they arent sure what to do and i dont think they understand me not being able to get my mom involved..
991 Aliyah // Apr 8, 2009 at 8:11 am

hey
yeah ino u need to make sure u eat regularly and healthy for ur body to react normally. Nnd i know that is hard but really try.

honestly is a key issue here, counceling is a 2 way thing, if u cant open up its nt gna help. if u cant do counceling, it hink u shud write down how u feel, like say u dont wanna eat a meal, write down why, and how u feel. having a little thought diary can help u see when ur being irrational. but honestly, its so easy to get into habits agen, i think u shud definetly, every day speak to someone, do u have msn or hotmail? u can mail mne hw u feel, anything at all, and it may just help yout o express urself a bit better.its really important cause ino u wanna break free once and for all. u want that healthy body, but remember a normal body flunctuates a lot so flunctuation is normal, dotn worry.

xx
992 rynelle // Apr 8, 2009 at 8:37 am

thought journal sounds like a good plan. and yea it is veerrryyy easy to go back to the habits. it seems that anytime i try to fix things i dont do it right and end up right where i started, or worse. when it comes to talking to ppl i feel like im such a burden and i just hold it in. the ppl who i trust the most are a few dancers/teachers but i dont really know what they can do to help.
id love to be able to message u, thanks aliyah! u can add me.. its ryn114_@hotmail.com
993 Nature // Apr 9, 2009 at 11:43 am

Ahh, haven’t posted here in a while.

How are you all doing? I hope everything is going O.K. for you guys.

I just don’t like where I’m at right now. I hate the waiting time to be put into the clinic. It’s like I’m eating just to be alive. I could eat tasteless muck and not give a damn. Jesus, I don’t enjoy food, and I am so scared of becoming a fat lump of lard. I lost so much muscle, flexibility, strength, etc. because of this damn disease.

If I could just sleep and wake up on the day that I’m able to be put into the ED clinic, I’ll gladly do that. Too bad there isn’t a magic fairy in this cold, cold world.

God, I’m scared of myself.
994 Aliyah // Apr 9, 2009 at 2:33 pm

nature- hey! ino ur scared of becoming fat, ever anorexic is, but it doesnt and wont happen, TRUST ME. ive been thru it all. i eat what i want pretty much, an di am not fat. you jyst have to learn to listen to ur body and feed your soul. ino u said u dnt enjoy food, i didnt when i first started eating age, but i LOVE it now and i look fwd to my meals. so i guess what im tryin to say is, stay strong, and eat, try to enjoy it, because life is too short. i know, there are sum foods u like, what tastes do u like?i know, we all wish recovery cud be quck and easy but its not, so put the hard work in now, get ur body bak, get ur health back and be free from anorexia!

stay positive and keep smiling!! your blessed, u have so much in life, you cnt let a disease ruin it for you

x
995 DeEtta // Apr 9, 2009 at 5:29 pm

My daughter is recovering and has gained most of the weight back. However she is now hungry constantly and complains that it has interfered with her college activities/classes. She gets anxiety if she can’t get to food when she is hungry. She is trying to eat every hour to keep the anxiety lower. She eats apples and cereal a lot. This seems healthy, but what is going on? She says she is sick of being hungry all the time. She left her band rehearsal the other day to eat. This isn’t normal. What can we do?

DeEtta’s last blog post..By: DeEtta
996 Aliyah // Apr 10, 2009 at 3:57 am

deetta- how long was she ill for? because recovering anorexics have to eat ALOT. like double the normal amount for a long time, and i guess thats her body just wanting as much as possible, becauseit was starved for long. it will pass, as long as she keeps eating and thats the most important thing just now.
make sure she eats lots of carbs, like pasta, bread and stuff, and i promise it passes. her body has to learn to trust her again. tell her to stay strong,her health is more important, once she has it back, properly, ( and recovery takes quite a while,) she’ll be ok.

and also just because shes nearly at a normal weight, or at it, doesnt mean shes recovered, it takes a long time.

x
997 Tracie // Apr 10, 2009 at 7:09 am

DeEtta,
Hello my name is Trace i am probably one of the older ones on this site who is recovering from Ana.
It is normal that she is hungry all the time.Like Ali said her body has had no nutrients for a long time.I eat alot,and now after being in recovery for over 6 years i am at my normal weight.
For me Cereal was a safe food.Like Ali said get her too eat something that is more solid.
When i first got out of Hospital like ur daughter i was hungry so when i got a job i ate all the time as i was working.
Your daughter mey be burning as much as shes trying to eat just with normal actvity.That is why she needs to take in more than 2100 calories a day.I started with 4800 just to gain weight.
Stay positive,and let her know shes doing a great job,but lets just increase ur food intake.
Maybe if she feels comfortable she can come on this site,and we can all talk.

STAY STRONG!!!!!

Forever Connected,
Trace xxxxxxx
998 Megan // Apr 10, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Rynelle,
Hi! It’s nice 2 meet another new person 2 tlk 2!My name is Megan and I am 18 yrs old. I am a recovering Anorexic and have been for about a year and a half now. And I am also a little new 2 this site as I just came across it this summer. And it’s helped me soooo much!! I guess I should tell u a bit about how my eating disorder started. It all started when I was overweight and in a desperate attempt I tried dieting and exercising. When I started sheding a few pounds ppl would tell me “megan u look great!” and this voice would come in my head telling me how much more exercising I needed to do, and how much food I should be eating. Well, it ended up I listened to this voice and would end up loosing as much as 5 lbs a week sometimes. Anorexia was like a drug for me I just couldn’t resist it. I loved the feeling it gave me. I loved feeling hungry cause I always thought that had ment I was winning. I never did get too low in weight, just on the boarderline and it was more psychological than physical for me. When my friends and family saw how low in weight I was getting, and after the doctor finding out really how much I ate I decided I really did need 2 change and it wasn’t normal what I was doing. It took all summer before I was able 2 start eating and not exercise as much. It was hard but I am still on the road of recovery as I still get the thoughts and the urge 2 feel that large part of control I once had in my life. As I feel as if I’ve lost it all and my lifes outta control now. I also feel as if I’ve gained sooo much weight as I am at a better weight now, but feel allot flabber and large. And it doesn’t help that every day my weight flactuates all the time just like urs too! Its SOOO fusturating!! I wish it would stop. And sometimes I find myself binging 2. But that is comming 2 an end now I think. Anyway, I just thought I would tell u about myself so there ya go. Hehe. If u ever need anything @ all don’t hesitate 2 ask as I am always here! Oh I saw ur email so I added u hope u don’t mind? Btw I love dancing 2!! I used 2 dance for about 6 yrs than had 2 quit due to the cost, and school was more important. I miss it soooo much!! It’s amazing how great it make u feel eh?

DeEtta,
Welcome 2 the site! It’s sweet that u r doing this 4 ur daughter. It sounds like she is going through the same thing as me right now! I’m recovering as well, and find that I have allot more of an appetite and can’t stop binging!! And it seems as if I am always looking 4 something 2 eat sometimes. I get anxiety 2. I hate it. But really, ur daughter is just trying 2 get on track again as she has lost allot of time due to Anorexia and her body is crying for some good nutrients to help her heal. And also make sure that she is taking her vitamins, as that is VERY important! I am off 2 college next year, and my parents are worried about wether I will eat or not. I’m gonna try my best and not let Anorexia into my life again. Keep figting 4 ur daugher she needs u!!
999 Shay // Apr 13, 2009 at 6:09 pm

I haven’t posted in a while. I thought that I had this thing beat. i had gained back the weight I needed. But it still feels like I am hungry all the time! I will binge and then I have started purging! I am so afraid of getting fat that I go back to restricting and my body rebels, and then its the binge and purge! HELP!!!
1000 Aliyah // Apr 14, 2009 at 2:14 am

shay- i know its scary but its normal, its partof recovery. what u have to do is just eat, and never restrict, and it goes awau after ur body trusts u! trust m,e ur body stops, its just takin in alll the food it missed out on before. be strong and eat, and dont restrict cause if u do, u will end up bingeing.
it happened to me, and lots of other ppl on the site, its just part of revocery. the sooner u dont restrict and just eatm the sooner it will stop and u wnt feel hungry all the time.

just make sure ur diet is ell balances- carbs proetins, fats fruit and veg ok?

xx
1001 Aliyah // Apr 14, 2009 at 2:45 am

hey, its normal, this is part of recovery, u have to not restrict and just eat, even if u feel like ur eatin all the time. u wont get fat, if u purge, and restucr u will eat a lot more. u need to just accept its part of recovery, eat and ur body will trust u and stop bingring when its had enuff food. this happened to me, and i got scared but it stops after a while, onceur body knows its always gna get food. trust ur body, and dont give in ok?!

i promiseeee it stops, it really does

x
1002 Megan // Apr 15, 2009 at 2:25 pm

shay,
I totally know what u r going through right now. As I am 2 at my “healthy weight”. And I really can’t come 2 terms with that number, and how I look as I wish I was thinner and I hate how snug my clothes r 2 get on as I gained all around my hips and legs. I’ve still been going through the restrict/binge stage 2. My body used 2 beable 2 handle going hours without food, but now I really can’t because I feel 2 sick and weak and than I just end up binging. And I hate how my weight still flactuates up/down. Grrr!! But Shay, you have to train your body to eat and feel “regular” again. I know it’s hard but you will feel better and you won’t have 2 binge anymore. I am going to try and start eating regular meals, so I won’t binge and stay at the proper weight. Remember, our bodies are like cars they need food as our fuel!! So if you feel the urge to eat more that day than just do it because it’s ur bodies way of saying it just needs a little extra boost of gas! hehe. I’m here for you girl. As we all are. xoxo Megan
1003 Aliyah // Apr 16, 2009 at 1:53 am

hi megan-ino ur at urideal weight, but that is really sumthing to celebrate!!! ur not a bag of bones, weak and ill!! ur body is much healthier and ur mind. i said b4 its normal for a normal body to flunctuate a lot, and remember that number isnt u, ur not a number!
please do eat regular meals, and snacks, n love urself, because ur an amazing person, and u cant let anorexia take anything away from you ok?

xox
1004 Megan // Apr 17, 2009 at 2:50 pm

Aliyah,
Thanks again 4 the encouragement. But it seems as if I don’t even know what normal is anymore.
I’ve been restricting to a banana or a crumpet for breakfast, than some baby carrotts for lunch, and than for dinner I find myself binging as it’s my one main meal for the day. It’s sooo bad I know, but in my mind I see myself becoming fat and I don’t like how flabby my body looks so I am trying 2 get back in shape again. The voice is also starting 2 come back as soon as I start restricting, as I feel scared 2 eat regular meals like I used 2 as it reminds me of what I used 2 weigh when I was obese. My parents keep telling me that there is no way that I can ever become obese again, but I feel as if it is all comming back again because I’ve gained sooo much weight just this past winter and my pants are all tight. My mom keeps on telling me “its the winter pounds” and I will loose it as soon as summer comes again. I hope shes right!! Because I’ve gained 15-20 lbs this winter. EKK!!
1005 Aliyah // Apr 17, 2009 at 2:58 pm

hey megan-
do u want to go bak to old ana ways, where ur weak and ill and hurting ur body and the others around u ? no, nothing is worth that, life is not about ur weight, ino how hard it is, and how its not nice to feel uncomfortable in ur body. i think u need to be really strong, do sum exercise jus sumthing u enjoy, and eat healthy. megan, eating healthily will never make u fat its true, and if u keep a stable eating habit, of 3 meals, not one, but 3, and a few snacks, ur body will get used to it. if u mess up ur eating like u are , eating too little then too much, ur body will flunctuate more because it doesnt know when its gna get food, and if u starve it, it wil begin to store everything u eat as fat because thats the bodies natural reaction.

i think if u ate, regularly ud probably lose weight, n ur body wont flunctuate as much. u wnt lose it by eating the way u are though, and ino u know that deep down. ana ways are never right ways.

stay strong, the battle is not easy but u can do it!

xx
1006 Megan // Apr 18, 2009 at 7:33 am

Aliyah,

Ur so true. I really don’t want 2 go back 2 feeling like a bag of bones, and sick and weak. I have 2 admit though I do miss the feeling of control,and how I thought “I was winning” by feeling hunger. But I know that’s just the false ideas Ana gives 2 us. I just really hate myself 4 forgetting Ana and gaining some weight. Ughh! I just feel disgusting. I was doing so well with eating my regular meals, but than once I found out how much weight I gained it freaked me out into going into Ana mode again. Or sometimes this other stupid voice comes into my head that makes me go binging saying “ur thin! eat ! eat! eat! eat more! eat that and that!” and it seems even if I AM FULL 2 the point of feeling sick, the stupid voice wants 2 reverse my feelings by making me eat. And than the end result is I just feel even more crappy about myself because I just ate a bunch of crap I didn’t need! Ughh! Its sooo confusing at times! But really, it’s like my body is warning me about going back 2 my old ways again because I can’t restrict as well as I used 2 as I feel dizzy , weak, and lightheaded. But thanks 4 the suggestions. Your such a help!! xoxoxo
1007 Aliyah // Apr 18, 2009 at 1:08 pm

megan- hey i dont think u shud weigh urself, it clearly affects u. u shud try to eat normally and not weigh urself, n see how u truely feel. not how nan amakes u feel, cause sumtimes we feel fat when we look the exact same as yday, everyone has bad days, u just need to do sumthing to distract urself. and like u sed , u feel dizzy and weak when u restrict, that is ur body screaming out to u sayin please dont go bak, ur damaging me. what if this tim,e u harm ur body so much it becomes irrevirsable? u dont wanna regret it for ur whole life do u?

write down a meal plan, 3 decent meals, with snacks, and stick to it no matter hw u feel. remind urself this is for ur future, and its only gna benefit u. then when ur body trusts u whatevr ur natural body shape is embrace it!

today, i had family over , and we had a hugeee meal, rice, chicken kebabs and yoghurt and then ice cream for desert. i ate loads but i didnt feel bad because i thought hey, everyone else is eating more, why cant i? why shud i deprive myself? and there was no valid reason except, ‘anorexia says’ and that is not gd enuff!

so be strong stay happy xx
1008 laurie // Apr 18, 2009 at 9:09 pm

I am in my 40′s and believe my friend “Aries” has written earlier this month. I have been struggling with anorexia for the past 3 years and haven’t had many issues before hand since college. However .. I am finally maintaining a healthy weight but having a terrible time with the head games that go along with it. This web site is like reading my mind, thoughts feelings and fears all rolled into one. I have been restricting for three years and now that the
weight is on I feel so out of control and can’t handle the body changes. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning . I have a husband and two teenage boys and three sisters and could relate to Tracie. this roller coaster of emotions is exhausting . All I want to do is go back to losing the weight .. however I can’t exercise or run (something I love and have done for 20 yrs) due to an injury from overuse and am very fearful that it is permanent due to my own stupidity. How do I get past this?
Laurie
1009 Tracie // Apr 19, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Hi Laurie,
First and foremost WELCOME.
You are at a wonderful site,and we are all like sisters.
Yes i feel i am you.I will be 40 in July.
I have struggled with Ana for over 10 plus years.
I know what you mean by saying the damage is permanant to ur body,but WE don’t realise that till its too late.
I am at a healthy weight,but i can’t stand being this big,then i think back to my daughter,and Husband ,and family.Everything i put them through.Ana consumes everyone u are in contact with.
For me it is a constant mind game,and knowing ANA IS NOT GOING TO WIN AGAIN!
It has been hard,and honestly still is.
Its hard getting use to being the size ur suppose to be,but i take it one day at a time,and sometimes one bite at a time.
I will always be recovering over Ana.
Now i live to the fullest of each day as if it is my last.I know that sounds weird,but having my daughter who was 6 years old at the time i got hospitalized leave on visitation days scarred me for life,and i swore to myself that i would never do that to her again,and I HAVEN’T!!!!

It is a day to day battle.(But i am determined to win).
I am always on here.Feel free to ask me anything i am very open,and honest with my recovery,

The girls on here are great.They offer great support right when u feel ur falling apart.
Ali,and Megan are wonderful,and offer great advice.

Remember Laurie YOU ARE MORE THAN A NUMBER.YOU DESERVE TO EAT AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.

Who wants to feel cold,and weak all the time!
DON’T LET ANA TAKE CONTROL.

I am always here for you.

Friends Forever & Forever Connected….

Tracie xxxxxxxx
1010 isabella mori // Apr 20, 2009 at 9:14 am

hello wise people – this is isabella, the blog owner.

once again, thank you for all the help you give each other here! every time i see one of your comments, i am humbled and honoured that this place can serve to hold all the wonderful love and encouragement you give each other!

there is a comment from what i believe is a new person in the other section http://www.moritherapy.org/anorexia-talk-for-people-recovering-from-anorexia-2/ – could someone perhaps reply? thanks so much!
1011 honey // Apr 20, 2009 at 3:40 pm

Im not officially recovered of my anorexia but when i am and i start eating normally again will my weight just go back up again?
im still so confused.
1012 Tracie // Apr 20, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Hi Honey,
Your weight will not go right back up.
Your body has been deprived of alot of nutrients,and therefore will need to gradually regain strength ,and start to replace before actual gaining.
I have been in recovery for over 3 years,and have had Ana for over 11 years.
Once you start to gain weight ur body will level off,and stay at a healthy weight.
I am at a healthy weight,but i feel i will always be a recovering Anorexic.
Ya know the mind games,and the evil voice you hear inside you,but it is possible to GET UR LIFE BACK.
What ever you do DON’T GIVE UP!
Please feel free to ask me any questions i am very open about my recovery,and what brought me to choose to restrict to begin with.

Take Care.
For Ever Connected,
Tracie
xxxxxxxxx
1013 Aliyah // Apr 21, 2009 at 2:39 pm

laurie- hey, eveything tracie says is true. you have to try n think of your family and ask yourself, what will u really gan from being thin? if you think about it, being thin doesnt mean anything, it just means were weak, and feeble. and thats not the way to be. think of ur positive features, physical and internal, and try ur best to accept urself. also, restrcting makes it harder to seet straight, if ur not feeding ur body well, ur dmaging it and thats not good, for ur mind. i find when i eat more, and eat well, i feel great, and healthy n happy. all the best, maybe u shud see a counceler?

honey- yeah everything tracie said is true, start to increase ur food intake slowly, and make sure ur eating enuff. ur gna have times u eat loads of food like, literally loads but dont worry because thats a stage of recovery, ur body has to learn to trust u agen. once its trusts u, ur body will stabalise and be at a normal healthy weight. make sure diet is varied, and ur eating abit of everything. if u feel down, please write on here or talk to someone though dnt keep ur feelings in.

tracie- hiii how r u doing? hope all is well xx
1014 Tracie // Apr 21, 2009 at 6:56 pm

Hi Ali ,
How r u?I am doing good.Just trying to get use to the new weight gain.(Yikes)
Girl u are such an inspiration in all ur words u use for all us girls on here.(Thank You)

Hows Ana treating u?
I hope she’s in the back burner?
I know mine is right now.I actually went out today and bought new clothes.Way bigger szes,but as i see women my age(Ouch!)LOL
I new i was doing the right things with my body.
KIT&TTYL,

Traceeee xxxxxxx
1015 Angela // Apr 23, 2009 at 3:42 am

Hi people I am angela dalton.
I am sorry if this seems unbelieveably selfish and it’s not to offend but I am doing a project for college and I was wondering if I could have some e-mail address and a short interview with a person with anorexia.
I am an art student at the oldham college and I have been through anorexia as a young child, developing from fussy eating and refusing to eat foods that I didnt like. Still effecting me today and people telling me I am to thin really gets to me and I wanted to base my art project on something close to me.
I just wondered if you could send me your e-mail addresses and tell me how you got into this lifestyle. Its ok if you dont want to and your name will not be mentioned. Just wanted to make people understand through my artwork that it is a horrible thing and I need the information to continue further.

If you accept to do so then my e-mail is-
amcdalton1@hotmail.co.uk

Feel free to e-mail
thanks
Angela x
1016 Laurie // Apr 24, 2009 at 4:53 am

Tracie and all,
Thanks for making me feel so welcome to this site. I have some questions. When someone gives you a compliment like you look “good” or your face is filling out. I believe they mean it as a compliment but to me it means that I am failing for some twisted reason and that I am becoming fat likeI am failing in the sense of willpower. I know it doesn’t make sense. How do I deal with these comments.?
Next,is while I was in inpatient/residential program they put me on an anti-depressant etc. and now after 3 yrs. I’ve decided to taper off of them (before I was on nothing) but am having a terrible time. Has anyone out there successfully withdrawn from this stuff without the emotional rollercoaster and weight gain? It scares me of the thought of putting on more weight.
Last question is how long do people on average see a nutritionist and or therapist? Is it ongoing?
I was hoping I was at the tail end of Ana but am realizing thru all of you an me that just because the weight comes on the struggle is still there.
Thanks for listening.
Laurie

Laurie’s last blog post..living authentically
1017 Laurie // Apr 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm

Tracie and everyone,
Thanks for making me feel so welcome to this site.I do have a few questions. When someone gives you a compliment like you look “good” or your face is filling out . I believe they mean it as a compliment but to me it means that I am failing for some twisted reason and that I am becoming weak and fat in the sense of willpower. I know it doesn’t make sense. How do you deal/respond to those comments?
Next is while I was in inpatient/residential they put me on anti depressants and topomax and now after 3yrs have decided to taper off of them. (before I was on nothing) but am having a terrible time. Has anyone out there successfully withdrawn from this stuff with out the emotional rollercoaster and weight gain? It scares me at the thought of putting on more weight.
Last question, How long do people on average see a nutritionist or therapist? Is it ongoing? I was hoping I was at the end of Ana but am realizing that just because the weight is on the struggle is still there in my head. Its hard to explain that although I might look fine on the outside I can be in worse shape on the inside than I was when I was thinner. Go figure.
Thanks for listening
Laurie
1018 Megan // Apr 24, 2009 at 9:42 pm

hey girls,
And welcome Laurie!! This is a really great site, think of us all like sisters. Hehe! And if u ever feel the need 2 talk email me … perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com btw Aliyah, my email got hacked on MSN so I gotta get ur email again! Lol. So how are u all doing? Well, I’m good and bad in one respect. I did FINALLY get my period back YAY!! So that was a shock and a relief as I haven’t had it in almost a yr. But in the bad respect… I feel ANA getting stronger again. I’ve been restricting breakfest and lunch. I can’t help but feel the need 2 after winter. I’ve gained sooo much weight that I can’t squeeze into my summer clothes. I really wish I could loose it I just feel horrible like I let myself go! I don’t even want 2 weigh myself anymore as I hate knowing that number. But in one respect, that is good right? That I am overcoming the whole number thing?
1019 Nature // Apr 24, 2009 at 10:57 pm

Thanks so much for the help guys, . I know I haven’t posted in a while, so I hope you’re all doing okay.

I get weighed every week, seems like my docs don’t trust me, lol.. I haven’t gained any weight, but I haven’t lost any.. so that seems okay..

Right now I don’t even plan to restrict, but end up having really low days. The past few days I only ate about 800-900… that’s no good. My boyfriend is scared that I’m going back to the starvation cycle, and to be honest, I’m not trying to!

My parents bought some low fat crackers, and that seems to be like a safe food for me. I have some few granola bars that I bought today and some medium-ripe bananas. I suppose I can snack on those from time to time. I don’t really eat big meals that much.. *sigh*. The most difficult thing is that I don’t know what’s supposed to be “normal”. I mean, I had 3 bananas today.. do people even eat 3 bananas a day? I thought normally people only have one.. gah, I don’t know. Today was all right, had about 1.4k calories or so. I’ll have to try to keep it above 1k for this week or something. Darn, this is hard.
1020 Aliyah // Apr 26, 2009 at 1:11 pm

nature- heyy how u doing?firstly, yes it is normal to eat 2 bananas a day, its so healthy and gd for you, and 3 of ur 5 a day eh? ino its hard sumtimes to judge, how much food is normal, or how much is enuff, but see it like this. a normal person needs at least 2000 calories, u need about double. so eat as much as u can, making sure u have 3 meals, or maybe 5 small ones, if u find it hard to eat big ones jus now , and eat sumthing every 2 hours, anything, any snack.
yeah, its not ur doctors dont trust, you, but we all know to well, how caniving ana can be, and its easy to listen to it, so make sure u eat well, everyone loves you and they want you to get better.
1021 Aliyah // Apr 26, 2009 at 1:19 pm

megan- heyyy! firstly congrats on gettin ur period back, now girl that is the best thing ever! that is just a sign that u are stronger and u are in control. secondly, dont restrict, ino its hard to face weight gain, no one feels great about it, bt u have to alter that thinking. ok so u gained a little, bet u dnt look much different, bet u look great, bet everyone thinks u look great and healthy. and guess what? restricting and skipping meals, wnt make u thin, thats the worst thing to do, cause that messes up ur metabolism. you know what u have to do, and its nt gna be east, ur gna have to have 3 meals, snacks and eat normal . forget the scales, forget that number. you were not born as a number! it doesnt mean anything at all. what matters is how u feel inside, and you have to say, ok this is me, this is how i am, why is this the end of the world? its not, every woman has different shapes and sizes in their body, and im one of them! embrace it. buy new clothes that make u feel better, throw away the old ones. no time to dwell, life goes on, you know u dnt need a life with ana

emails alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com- mail me anytime u want btw:)

if it makes u feel any better, today i ate loads of chcolate and two dinners, ha yes two! do i care ? nooooooooooooo way. edveryone eats as they please why shuldnt i?
1022 Aliyah // Apr 26, 2009 at 1:27 pm

tracie- im great thanks!! and yeah dont worry about ur body, ur beautiful, dont class yourself as a number. youve got a lot more to give. keep eating and fighting!! and thanks, ur an inspiration to, to everyone!

laurie- hey im aliyah. ino what a hard struggle recovery can be. i had anorexia and bulimia for over 6 years and now i can honestly say im soooooo much btter. yes the gain is hard, but its not even gaining, your just’REGAINING weight you lost. emotions are going to be everywhere, and i have learnt the best way to deal with it, is firstly to keep eating, makin sur eu eat enuff, and vary ur diet, because lack of food, can mess up ur hormones. secondly, write down ur feelings and thoughts, cause sometimes, once u see it written down u can see its irrational . compliments, yeah ive been there, but reallly when sumone says u look better they mean ‘thank god u really have sum colour in ur face and sum life in you’. everytime sumone gives u a compliment, reword it, and rethink it to sumthing positive inur mind.
counceler and nutrioist, i used to see counceler every week until i felt better and my weight was stable. nutrionst i saw a few times, and got a food plan from so definetly, make sure u see both. theyre all there to help you

xx
1023 frustrated // Apr 29, 2009 at 1:20 am

hello evryone!! im so glad to have found some people who who whole-heartedly share their experiences and willingly give out a helping hand without hesitation im proud of you who are in the road to recovery.. always remember that the beauty inside you counts more than a 20 inch waistline!

let us not put much importance on my name as i wish to remain anonymous. im from the philippines.. i am now 20 years old and i develepod the eating disorder two years ago.. im 5’2 and i reached as low as 81 pounds but still i was never satisfied i still saw a pudgy hog in the mirror the disease itself actually eats you up..
uptil your last breath i tell you it’s really hell coz it’s as it is a day to day mental struggle over the lies in your head.. the more you lose weight the more you’ll never want to gain any more weight.. i’m having a hard time recovering coz nobody including me can actually distinguish the cause but as for me I generally say that the main and primary cause is the MEDIA yes…
evryday you see skinny women being glorified on television now what would happen if young girls like us would always watch TV not being able to screen those beauty ideals coz there are plentiful of them.. they get stored subconsciously then the next day a girl looks into a mirror not talking about just any other girl A NORMAL HEALTHY LOOKING girl would see them selves differently because of all the conditions the media implies for being an attractive women.. ok so back to me,, i sought help well i actually got more and more lost in the process coz.. i really had a hard time understanding my condition. what to do???
all they told me is i should eat or my body will just shut down they the reason they couldnt get it coz they told me im attractive and im not ugly.. soo i shouldnt be worrying about it..
well in recovery for me its really important that you keep the people dear to you near you it may not necessarilly be your family it cud be just someone who cares and understands you and loves you as you are coz that way you’d feel good about yourself and you’ll feel appreciated!!
the easier you’ll find who you really are the real beauty in you!! right now im still recovering im actully eating three meals a day which is alot compared to before and im avoiding weighing myself in the scale coz it will surely make me upset an put me back on my screwed regimen..
it really helps distinguishing reality from fiction.. ladies what we see in TV is pure fantasy and i think you do not want to be a clone.. youd want to be your own version of beauty am i right?? well im here for those who are recovering lets work together..

xxxooo,

MCL!!
1024 laurie // Apr 29, 2009 at 2:45 am

Aliyah,
thanks for the advice, I have been writing down my thoughts/feeling/fears and drilling into my head hundreds of times a day as I walk down the hallway at school (i am a teaching assistant with kindergarteners) that I am more than a number.. it doesn’t matter to these 5yr olds what I weigh .. now if it would only not matter to me .. working on it though.
I have been doing alot of reading on this site and cant believe the amount of positive support and advice you give . I don’t think you realize when a new person finds this site the relief they feel that they aren’t alone anymore. At least that’s how I felt. So Ana doesn’t discriminate with age or location . I just want to be done so I can enjoy my boys. They so deserve all of me. As I am sure all of you want your life back .. I have been thru alot .. but this is the hardest thing I have ever done. so I agree with MCL lets work together.
Laurie
1025 Aliyah // Apr 29, 2009 at 6:07 am

Laurie- Hey! aww your so sweet thank you. and ino how amazing this site is, i first came on it, and since then, im over ana!
and let me tell you, it is a hard journey but it is possible. i dont have issues with food like i used to, i can eat, if i feel like sumthing extra i have it. i dont deprive myself, i feel happier, i look better ( not fat) and ino im healthier.
aw thats lovely, you work with little children. Just think of how you want to be a good role model for them, happy and showing them image is not everything. you will get through it, keep the thoughts written down, read them to urself, and ull realise they are irrational. imagine, the thoughts that you get, is what pretty much every anorexic gets. andif they told you, thats the thoughts they have, you would say, its lies, its false, your not fat, your not a number, so listen to your own advice. the voice will get less. keep eating, and keep urself busy, dont let those thoughts get a chance to win . EVER!. and tell yourself.
anorexia is slow suicide.
1026 Nature // Apr 29, 2009 at 11:11 am

Hi guys, and a welcome to MCL! I’m sure you’ll find everybody here to be wonderful people, ^^. I’ve only posted a few times, and they’ve helped me so much!

I am SO happy that I am finally getting into the ED clinic on May 13th for evaluations and tests. It’s just blood work, brain scans, etc. to see if the restriction did any major damage to my body. Then, I’ll be seeing other doctors to figure out the mental side of anorexia. They said it would be an all-day process. I’m just so glad that I’m finally getting somewhere!

Yesterday I had my weekly appointment with one of my other doctors, and as usual, I got weighed again. And WTF, I lost two pounds in one week?! HOW THE HECK! I didn’t even calorie count or restrict my meals, >.<. It makes no sense! They said that it’s probably because my body is starting to run better again since I’ve been eating regularly, and also I have enough energy to attend one class in the morning for school now. So attending school and my metabolism shooting up is probably making me require more energy to go through the day. I’ll just have to see how my weight is next week. If it goes down again, I better junk up, LOL.
1027 Aliyah // Apr 29, 2009 at 11:35 am

nature- heya!! dont worry about the little bit of weight loss, what the doctor said is true. just make sure u dont restict or calorie count, and make sure you eat enuff. this always happens in recovery, ur metabolism is gna get faster and faster, and ur gna need to eat a lot of food. and i mean alot! so enjoy it, eat the foods u like, and give in to all ur cravings !

frustrated-hey im so glad your well on your way to recovery, it is the best thing youll ever do, moving away from your death! anorexia is just slow suicide, and yes what we see in the mirror is usualy lies. but weirdly enuff, when i wasnt eating, and felt fat, i saw a fat person in the mirror. now, im pretty much recovered, i eat what i want, and i dont se a fat person i see a healthy happy one.
keep strong, keep fighting, and keep eating.
1028 Megan // May 1, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Aliyah,
Ah thx so much girl. Ur such an inspirational help!!! And I am really starting 2 realize that I AM MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER!! I hardly even weigh myself any more. Plus it’s really NOT GONNA BE THE SAME NUMBER cause our weight flactuates alll the time. When I think back 2 last year, and how obsessed I was with the scale like it was my best friend I think of all the time I wasted. :’( But I have 2 admit it really is difficult 2 find the perfect way 2 balance my meals out evenly. Cause somedays I let ANA into my life a bit and will restrict. Others, I can’t stand hunger and just end up binging. So I really gotta try and stop that and just eat proper like u said. All this week I’ve been experimenting by trying 2 eat a little more 4 breakfast instead of just a weesly bannana! I’ve been having yummy honey/peanut butter toast! And it is soooo good!! Do u ever find u crave the simplist things? Like I find I CANT STOP eating bread with margrine, honey, and peanut butter. It’s ridiculas how much I can eat of that stuff. When I think of all I eat, it makes me sick. But I guess it is cause I restricted such simple little foods like bread, for sooo long. And it really does feel great. o btw I added u on MSN feel free 2 email me anytime as well! perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com
xoxo take care and thx sooo much again!!!
1029 Tracie // May 1, 2009 at 10:07 pm

Hi Girls,
Hows it goin?
Me i’m okay.I went to the Drs. the other day,and got weighed,and needless to say i started restricting fully.
I ‘ve eatin 5 chips,and 1/2 cup of salad,and about 6 cups of coffee.
I feel sooooo Fat it is unreal.I’m getting to the point i don’t want to look in a mirror!

HELP!!!
I’m slowly starting it all over again…..:(

Trace xxxx
1030 Laurie // May 2, 2009 at 6:01 am

tracie,
I’m sorry you’re struggling . remember your daughter and all the reasons that kept you going the last time . don’t give Ana the control.. keep it for yourself. you are not that number.. you are more than that. keep thinking of all the positive things that you’ve done with your family without Ana. you deserve it.
stay strong
Laurie

Laurie’s last blog post..blogging yourself home
1031 Aliyah // May 2, 2009 at 2:42 pm

megan- hey yeah i got ur invite on msn hopefuly ull be on when im on! but i hardlyyy use it. thats so good u can go have the peanut butter jelly toast !! and yeah i crave carbs a lot sumtimes, and eat tons. but just go for it, its just ur body tellin u it needs it. why deprive it? ur not gna get fat. its realy good ur experimenting, with foods, keep doing it, show urself you can do it, u can eat what u feel like . cause yeah a banana is not breakfast, thats just a snack, a tinyyy snack not enuff. the mor eu eat the better, so forget all numbers, push them away and just focus on ur self

tracie- ino its hard to accept sumtimes, when u get weighed, but maybe u shud do a blind one, where only the doctor sees and u dont? because , look as soon as u see a number it plagues u and takes u bak. break out, do not restrict ur only going bak a horrible path. uno that is not enuff food, so increase it! no exuses, no nothing, you have to get better, mentally and physically. think of the food as medicine, and just go for it. ur such an inspiration to everyone here and no one wants to see u struggle, u dont deserve it. kill the demon and be free x
1032 Tracie // May 2, 2009 at 3:53 pm

Thank u Laurie,and Ali for ur kind words.
Its so hard to look at myself in the mirror.
I’m not happy with my reflection.

I’m starting to hybernate,and just stay in my room.
If i can pinch more than an inch that is when it starts all over again.
I’m also afraid for July!My mom-in-law is coming to visit,and she was the one in the beginning of Ana would say not good things about my weight.
If she does that again.I don’t know how i will react.

PLEASE GOD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO MOVE FORWARD,and LEAVE THE EVIL BEHIND!!!!(Easier said then done).

TTYL,
Trace xxxxxx
1033 laurie // May 2, 2009 at 6:00 pm

tracie,
I totally understand the mirror thing. I too have put on what seems like ALOT of weight.. the number is overwhelming. I don’t want to go out in public or even see my best friends let alone co-workers. I somehow feel ashamed of the weight gain. However,, I am listening to your advice.. andtrying to
be more than a number and living for my boys. ( i am even looking into a day program just to get past the “head games” so that I can leave the EVIL behind once and for all. I have to do something besides hide.
Lets not give your mother in law the power or control to trigger you. Your daughter , your health and you are worth more that that..
I’ll pray to God with you to give you strengh to move forward.. to help us all leave this evil behind. k? (ya,, i know easier said than done.. but we never .. never give up trying.. for our kids)
Hugs
Laurie
1034 Megan // May 3, 2009 at 9:14 am

Aliyah,
Thanks again 4 the advice. U have helped me sooo much girl! I can’t thank u enough!! But now I feel like all this eating is catching up 2 me. Like my metabalism is changing, and I’ve been eating soooooo much. It is really scaring me because it is like what I used 2 eat when I was obbese. And I am sooo scared that I’m gonna become huge again. Do u find ur weight flacuates allot when u eat more than u usually do? It fusturates me soooo much because in a week I can eaisly gain 5-10 lbs and my pants won’t even beable 2 do up and I’ll feel all flabby. Right now, I am just gonna try 2 eat. But than once the summer comes I’m not gonna lie, I feel like ANA is gonna have her way and take over my life like last year, and make me restrict ALLOT cause she knows how big i’ve gotten. I know I’m not as anorexic as I used 2. I don’t measure or count calories really. I just feel more addicted 2 exercise like I’ve been going 4 hour long walks and doing various strength exercises cause I know by eating all this food, I have 2 loose it some how!!
1035 Aliyah // May 3, 2009 at 12:56 pm

megan- aww ur so sweet! weight flunctuates a lot, its normal and to be honest mist of it will be water weight from the food and fluids, so its not fat or anything, and everyone has that its natural. but honestly the best thing to do is not weigh urself too much, because it effects how u feel in a bad way. if u dnt know how much u weight, its easier, try that? also, its really good ur makin so much effort to eat more, and that shows how strong u are, but dont burn it off by exercise, ur undoin all ur hard work, and its gna affect u in the long term, cause it messes up ur metabolism. ive been where u are, it snot nice, and honestly sumtimes i just wanted to give up, but i didnt and in the end its sooo much better, healthier and freer.
u can mail me, btw about anything, we can have a chat. once u break down all your ana barriers, life is better.

im now pretty much at a normal weight, i eat what i want, and i actually dnt exercise at all. my metabolism is normal, and i eat when i feel hungry. right now u need a lot of food, but it will stop once ur body trusts u. its crieing out to u. and in the summer, u will not take a step back, u will take one foward and enjoy an ana free summer. life is amazing without her!

x
1036 Teddy // May 3, 2009 at 1:23 pm

hi (:
my name’s teri and about a year ago i was anorexic and weighed around 6 and a half stone at 5″6, but that’s just an average weight, cause i could lose or put on up to half a stone within a day, which was really unnatural :S
anyway, i recovered and am where i am now. i’m 14 and am 5″7 and weigh 9 stone. but, recently i’ve been craving starving myself again.. it’s just like all the feelings of feeling fat and imperfect are coming back to haunt me, and lately i’ve found myself eating nothing for a day or two and then binging for the next 4 days. when i was anorexic, though, i never went on any pro-ana sites as (it seems pretty strange now that i think about it) i just don’t think i ever knew they existed xD. but now i know about them… i’m ashamed to say i’m going on them and am finding it tempting to go back to my old ways. i think it’s great that people all going through the same thing can talk about this, and was just wondering if anyone else recovering is experiencing any major temptation to go back and lose all the weight they’ve put on?
i’d find advice or comments really helpful and would appreciate them (:
if i’ve offended anyone in this, i’m very sorry and please say!
thankyou, good luck to everyone (:
<3
1037 Tracie // May 3, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Hi Teri,
Welcome!
I can totally relate to what u are saying.
I have gained a healthy weight,but i can’t stand to look in the mirror at myself.
3 digit numbers are my problem.My lowest weight was 93lbs at 35 yrs old.
It is so hard to try to overcome,and that is why this site is so special to me.
All the girls on here truley care,and when ur going through a hard time(Like myself right now)
The girls always know what to say.

For me its like a split personality.Ana vs Me.
Should i eat today,and then Ana buts in and says “U don’t need it you’ve already gained a shit load of weight”.
That is what i hear everyday in my head.
I just go from day to day.

Hang in there honey.We are all here for you.

Friends forever & Forever Connected,
Trace xxxxxx
1038 Megan // May 4, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Aliyah,
Really girl. I can’t thank u enough!! U have done miracles. Well, every one on this site I have talked 2 has. Ur all like sisters 2 me. Hehe. xoxoxoxo!!!!!! The whole eating more thing is because my body really can’t handle starving 4 long periods anymore like it did last year. I have 2 force myself 2 eat now so I can concentrate in school, and not feel so dizzy as if I am gonna pass out. I also find that my heart will start 2 pulsate which isn’t a good sign 4 annorexics at all. Does anyone else have the heart problem? I sometimes wonder if it is just anxiety though. Cause all this year I feel sooooo much anxiety.
Cause when I start 2 restrict my body just seems 2 scream out 2 me forcing me 2 eat. I guess it is all good though that I am starting 2 eat again. But I seem more addicted 2 exercising than eating. I really feel like I am bulimic sometimes! As I end up binging , but instead of purging I will restrict a little bit or, just exercise like 4 instnace yesterday I went 4 a 2 hr walk!! :O I just feel sooo flabby and outta shape from winter and it fusturates me that I cant fit into some of my clothes any more. But thanks again Aliyah 4 listening, I will email u 4 sure sometime. u dont have facebook do u?? ttys!
xoxoxo Megan
1039 Nature // May 4, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Hey guys, and a welcome to Teri!

Yeah, I get what you mean totally, Teri. I’ve had my ED for almost 2 years now, and finally sought help. It is the best thing you can do, girl!!! Anything that can help you to recover and beat this evil inside is a GOOD thing. Whether it be coming to this site to talk to all the lovely people here, seeing a counselor, nutritionist, or going to an ED clinic.. anything that can help you is great because I believe deep down inside you know that life is so much more than eating and thinking about how you look.

And yes, I am tempted to start restricting again. I am tempted to have that incompetent schedule of eating stupid, small meals, but I have come to realize that it is not “I” who wants it but Ana that wants it.

And as everybody here says, you are beautiful, strong, and worth it. You are so much more than a number!
1040 Nature // May 4, 2009 at 6:29 pm

And I forgot to say something important. Thank you to all of you here, you’ve helped me so much!

I’m finally getting into the ED clinic, and I can’t wait to beat this devil inside of me! It is such a mental struggle, and ALL of you are so strong that you’re still going through this and trying to recover! Never, ever give up! You can get through this, and many people have! Look at Aliyah, she is a true survivor, and is a great inspiration to everybody here! She is so kind and strong! I wish I could be recovered like her, and I’m working on it!

And Tracie, you are working so hard!! You’ve already come so far, and I know that deep down inside you want to get recovered. You have soooo much in life for you. You have your daughter, your husband, friends, family… and everybody loves you and cares about you. You are such a kind person, and welcomed me warmly when I came here. You’ve helped me, and I hope I can be a support for you, too, when you’re having struggles. You deserve sooo much more than Ana. You don’t deserve Ana at all. Keep strong, and remember, your daughter, husband, family, and everybody else wants you to be better.. they want to be with you. Remember all the reasons why you wanted to get better, hun, and keep hacking at it like you are doing everyday! I’m sure you want to see your daughter grow up, marry, and have children of her own! You are so strong!! Take care!!!

Megan, I can totally sympathize with you!! I know how stressful it is when you eat large amounts of food, and later on feel guilty. But girl, your body needs that food. And I’ve been through the cycle of binging and starving and binging and starving… it feels awful, I know, and I still do struggle with it. However, it’s a natural trait we all have.. after restricting food intake for even a day or two, your body will panic and try to take in as much food as it can. The only way to stop this cycle is to eat and let your body do what it wants. Don’t restrict!

And hun, you are so much more than just a number! And like Aliyah said to you before, buy some new clothes that looks good on you. To hell with the clothes you had during anorexia, they’re not a part of you! To be honest with you, I too, panic when my clothes feel a bit tighter or something. But hun, you are not getting fat! Your weight fluctuates within the day a lot, and on some days, your clothes will feel a bit tighter and on some days a bit looser. It’s easier said than done, but don’t worry about it! You deserve sooo much more than Ana. You are strong, beautiful, and a very lovely person! Keep at it!
1041 Megan // May 5, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Nature,
Omg girl u r soooo sweet!! Ur words helped allot thank you!! All of u girls r so nice on this site and am so glad that I found out about it. Cause honestly, I have no one 2 talk to and that can relate. And I always know where 2 turn 2 when I need help. Even though it’s virtual. Hehe. I am really starting 2 get over the whole number thing which is great!! I don’t even really bother 2 weigh myself, and if I do that number doesn’t bother me as much and I don’t end up going nuts over it. Cause “I AM MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER!!” I know the whole clothes thing is still hard, but on the bright side I got my prom dress. I just hope I can still fit into it without my weight flacuating tooo much. Grr!! :@ Lol. But I love it and feel really great about my body in it. But Nature, I am like u I will still eat tiny little meals in the day well more like snacks as meals… than end up binging at dinner and night. My biggest binge food right now is bread with lots of butter and peanut butter. When I think about how much of it I eat. I feel soooo sick! But like u said, my body just deprives it and guess it needs it right? thanks 4 listening nature! And keep fighting the demon!! xoxo ur all in my thoughts as always <3333333
1042 Aliyah // May 5, 2009 at 3:08 pm

megan-yeh i have facebook hardlyy use it though, erm i dunno what my username or anything is haha. erm Aliyah Rehman search that i guess.
what u said about bulimia is saddening, i went trhough that and honestly it messed up my metabolism so much, its the worst thing u cud do to ur body, please dnt overexercise its honestly honestly harming ur body inside so much.and the heart stuff, megan is serious. anorexia, has a lot of deaths, and a lot of it is due to heart failure, because the body doesnt get enuff food, and enuff energy to pump blood around ur body, thats why a lot of anorexics feel cold and stuff. if u over exercise and binge ur not lettin ur body take anything in, but it also makes ur weight flunctuate a lot more. anxiey is normal part of anorexia, it gets less, dont worry, you have to keeo pushin and challengin urself

nature- thank u are so sweet! and i wish u all the best for the clinic. i can seeur motivated and ready to beat this. just stay as strong as ur mentality seems to be, keep tellin urself, this is the way foward, ur gna get this disease out of ur life, and ur gna feel so good about it. you can then do what u want and eat when and what u want, and that is the start of a healthuer and hapier life. ull enjoy life more, wont have body complications and feel beter in social situations. so much to look foward to !

x
1043 Nature // May 5, 2009 at 9:53 pm

Thanks, Aliyah! You keep me motivated, ^^. I am excited and a little scared going into the ED clinic. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to expect or what I am going to receive as help. I hope all goes well because I know that deep down inside, I don’t want to live with this disease.

I’m glad I was able to make you feel better, Megan, ^^. I can totally sympathize with the stress and fear you feel of the number on the scale, but now I realized that weight fluctuates soo much. Even my doctor said weight fluctuates ridiculously.

Take this for an example. Two weeks ago (April 21st), I was 46.85kg, and a week later (April 28th), I dropped to a whopping 45.9kg. I didn’t even restrict or anything. That’s a two pound loss in a week! Theoretically, that means I burned 1000 calories more than I consumed each day, and that is CRAZY. I attend only one class in the morning at my school, and once I come home, I take a 3-5 hour nap and I don’t even exercise. There is NO way for me to burn that much! Today (May 5th), which is a week after April 28th, I got weighed again, and my weight was 46.65kg. I always get weighed in the afternoon so it is always after I have breakfast and lunch and stuff like that. The weight that I lost and gained is just water weight, and I have maintained my weight for two months now. Wow, I didn’t even realize that my weight has been stable, and my ED told me that I was a fat monster, but I am no fatter than before, LOL. 4-5 weeks ago, I was around 46.35kg or so. I’m only a cup of water heavier than a month ago, LOL. It’s crazy how a pound or so seems to be a “huge” thing when you have an ED, doesn’t it? And more than likely, that cup of water will come out as pee in the morning, haha!

Megan, you shouldn’t worry about your weight fluctuation, and yeap.. it’s easier said than done. If I let Ana take a hold of me, I would have restricted tonight over that weight gain, which is just water weight. And to be honest with you, I too, get scared when I eat “a lot”. I got my ED clinic package in the mail and they asked me if I could record my food intake before I go into the clinic for the program. I’ve been doing it and I was surprised that I wasn’t eating as much as I had thought. Most likely Ana is telling you that you’re eating more than you actually are. It might help if you record what you eat because it’s on paper, and it’ll perhaps make you think more clearly about food. Just a thought, hun, ^^. I’m sure the fluctuation in your weight is only water weight, and each time when you go to the toilet, your weight will drop, LOL.

Take care everybody!!! <3333
1044 Tracie // May 7, 2009 at 8:52 pm

Hey All,
I’m back trying to keep myself from restricting,but easier said then done.
Sometimes it gets soooooooo draining,irritating,frustrating,disgusting,and I WANT TO SCREAM.
Any of u guys feel that way?
Went to Drs.,and they weighed me YET AGAIN,but at least i lost 4 lbs.THANK GOD!!!!!

Lets put it like this in some of my older posts when i was just starting to gain;needless to say i would KILL to be 114 lbs.
At least my F*%#EN clothes would fit.

Okay enough of my bitch fit.
How is everyone.
Ali how r u doin?
Megan are u still stressin over ur test?Try not to honey it will be over before u know it.
Nature so ur in a program now right?
How do u like it?
And Teri update me sweetie on how ur doing ,and feeling?
I must sound like a fruit cake to some of u,but i’m not just venting a bit,and all of u can do that too.WE DON’T JUDGE!!!Whtat we go through is VERY REAL,and sometimes we just need to SCREAM IT OUT,AND KEEP ON GOING.

TTYL & Forever Friends & Forever Connected,
Trace xxxxxxxxx
1045 Nature // May 7, 2009 at 9:50 pm

It’s good to hear from you, Tracie, ^^.

And yeah, yelling it out loud helps me, too! Ana is such a physically and mentally exhausting and draining battle. You sometimes need to have a place to let it all out, and everybody here is sooo wonderful, ^^.

I’m not actually in the program yet, but I’m getting into it on the 27th. I was supposed to go on the 13th, but they had to reschedule it. In a way I am glad since I wasn’t really prepared for it. I’m not sure what to expect, and to be honest, I am scared. I’m doing okay.. I think. If I were to be honest with everybody here and myself, I think I’m restricting a bit. Needless to say, I decided to go for a walk today, and that became a one mile run. Totally messed up my energy and body. *Sigh*, I just wish there was an easy way out! For dinner I just had a plate of vegetables, and now to think of it, that is ABSURD. I suppose it can’t be helped since it’s already quite late at night, and I really can’t eat anymore….

I feel so bad when I restrict. It’s like I’m letting down all these people that support me, . I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend that I ended up running and restricting today..

God, I can’t make my effing ED shut up. I feel like I’m going to be a fat monster by the 27th, and that they won’t even accept me in. Curse this disease; I’m moving forward even though I’m struggling.
1046 Teddy // May 8, 2009 at 8:14 am

hi again, everyone!
i just want to say thanks for being so welcoming, i really wasn’t expecting to be accepted so easily!
i have only left about 2 comments and already you’re all so supportive, it’s so nice of you all ^^
since my last post, i’ve lost 3 pounds, and am quite ashamed to say i fasted for the last two days :\ (which is probably why i lost it), but, as you all know, it’s so ridiculously hard to get yourself out of restricting yourself after being obsessed with calorie counting and over-exercising for so long. my friend, helen, isn’t helping at all, either :S even though we’re friends, everything’s always really been a silent competition between us both and the other day when we went to try dresses on in town, she tried this one on and it didn’t zip all the way up but she said it would have done if the zip wasn’t broke, so then i was really distrought when i tried a UK size 6 on (i live in england, btw xD) and it also didn’t zip all the way up. but even though i know she was just making an excuse for hers not zipping up cause she wanted to make out that she was skinnier than me, it still got to me a lot that she was suggesting i’d put weight on :S if any of that makes sense… i don’t know, maybe it’s just little things that are weight related getting to me but it just seems like i’m getting noticeably bigger. and my dad the other day just said to me ‘what happened to you? you’re not a stick anymore ._.’ and i was just like …. ooookay? :S thanks? anyway, i’m going on holiday soon and am hoping to get to about 8 and a half stone by exercising and eating healthily (: thanks everyone! and sorry i’m not being much help at the moment.. when i get to know names better and stuff i’ll actually get round to responding to people xD
again, thanks so much and i’ll be visitng again soon (:
<333
1047 Aliyah // May 9, 2009 at 1:46 pm

tracie- hey hun. how r u ? im great thanks, just stuffin my face as i write to u come on, hun u no its nt gd to lose 4 pounds, that 4 pounds makes no difference , 4 pounds is not a lot, not physically noticeable, and u shud not restrict. u are stronger than that and i know that. u shud throw ur clothes away that dnt fit and buy ones that do, thats what i did it feels good, like ur throwin away the old anorexic u and that is a gd feeling! im eatin what i want when i want and not one single bit of ana.

nature- all the best for the programme, do let us know how it goes. but yeah a plate of veg? come on, thats not fit for a baby. thats nothing, and its all ana, that is not enuff to fill up anyone, and u need to eat extra to make up for it. every meal shud have protein and carbs. and especially if u went out running. like u sed, u feel bad when u restrict, and u shud rally hold onto that thought when u feel like restricing, think ‘i have to eat properly, for me, for my bf, who will be so proud..’ itll make it easier when u go to the programme. at the begiinin when i started REGAINING, my mum n dad used to sit with me, to make sure i ate enuff, u shud do sumthing similar, yes its hard and not pleasant, but its for ur own good. ull reap the benefits later.

tedyy- u live in england!!! woppe, i live in scotland, size 6 is small yeah. where abouts do u live? honestly, u shud really stick to ur healthy weight, and eat well. lve urself, its clear though that u are gettin all these thoughts n theyre gettin to u agen, and that is not good. write them all down, and read them bak to urself, and pretend it was sumone else, and see what advice u wud give. im sure u wud say sumthing sensible, and thats what u need to do urself

xx
1048 Nature // May 9, 2009 at 8:21 pm

Thank you so much, Aliyah. You’re such a help, you really are, ^^.

I don’t know, it seems like I’m taking a few steps back. I am not comfortable eating over 1.5k, :S. Hopefully I don’t come to the point where I can’t eat more than 900…

I just hope my weight is stable until I reach the ED clinic, and I have no idea what I’m getting into. I’m not comfortable with anything, xD… I suppose having a lack of control is what we’re not used to, eh?

I also don’t really understand why I’m not getting my monthly girl’s thing, LOL. My weight is in the healthy range, and heck, I’ve had my period even when I was a few pounds lighter. Hopefully I haven’t done too much damage in that department there, *sigh*. Like oh boy, how messed up can I get? >.<, I have to keep going forward!
1049 Aliyah // May 10, 2009 at 3:21 am

nature-1500 is considered starvation mode, ur gna get a lot more than that at the clinic so i wud make sure ur eating, at least 1500 – 2000 no mater how hard it is. if u do the hard horrible things now, and just eat and not restrict and not give in and u will feel the benefit. and its worthit.
ino u feel out of control but ur not when u listen to a voice, sayin dnt eat ths or dnt eat that, thats not control thats losing control. only when u feel like u can eat sumthing if u feel like it without fear and that, ur in control. ino it sounds ironi, if u chose for example to eat an extra bit of toast in themornin cause u felt like it, tats actually u being in control. think about it, it makes sense hehe
ur period wont come back until u eat properly, 3 propoer meals enuff food. if ur only havin 1500 u wnt get ur period bak, u need to eat more than that. ur body still is recovering inside.
1050 Nature // May 10, 2009 at 9:03 am

Oh my god, Aliyah, thanks so much. I suppose I really am blind to all the issues I have.

Yesterday, when I told my friend I had some strawberries for breakfast, he was like, “What the heck? Fruit and only fruit for breakfast?” I was a bit surprised since I thought it was normal, but after looking back at it, I suppose five strawberries isn’t really breakfast, :X.

It’s really difficult to know what’s right and wrong, but you’ve helped me so much in seeing. 1.5k seems like a binge when you’re anorexic, and even now it seems like a hefty amount to me. I really want my period back since I want to have kids… I suppose I need to start eating more. Thanks for making me see, Aliyah, =). Take care hun, and I have to keep fighting, >.<.
1051 Aliyah // May 10, 2009 at 1:08 pm

nature- dont mention it., i honestly have been where u re, and its not easy. i used to be blind too, not realising that a tiny bit of food is not enuff, i mean i used to be scared of eating an extra bite more than normal, and that makes no difference whatsoever. it took me a while to learn, and honestly the more u start to restrict and not eat enuff, the worse it gets.i mean 5 strawberries is nothing , thats honestly not even a snack, so please make sure ur eating more at brekkie ok?
now, i am so much happier , an di love eatin an enjoyin food and i can focus on the important thing in my life, like my educationmy boyfriend and my frends and my family.

can i ask, how old u are agen? sorry i forget. also what in ur life is most special to u?
x
1052 Nature // May 11, 2009 at 7:50 am

Thanks once again, Aliyah, ^^. I am trying my best to eat, and yesterday I did a good job of eating over 1.5k, haha. I’ll have to see how today goes.

I’m turning 16 in August, and what’s special in my life? My family, friends, and last but not least, my boyfriend, =).
1053 Aliyah // May 11, 2009 at 8:12 am

nature- glad u are tryin ur best to eat well keep it up.
ah nearly 16, u still have so much ahead of you, dont let ana ruin it. i ruined alotof my younger teengae years, being cooped up in the house, avoiding food and i wish i didnt.
aww uno, anytime u find recovery or food hard just think of ur bf, and how proud he is gna be
how long have u been going out?

xx
1054 Megan // May 11, 2009 at 12:56 pm

Sorry Aliyah 4 the late reply!! I’ve just been quite bogged down with school work. :’( It really does seem like I am going through bulimia/annorexic stages. Like it’s as if I can’t even find myself at times any more. Sometimes I find myself eating normaly, and than the next day ana comes 2 face me again and tells me what 2 eat. I have a bad habit now of chewing gum 2 hide my hunger, and drinking lots of water. I know not eating regular meals is bad, but I still can’t seem 2 mouth eating 3 meals like I used 2 because it makes me feel obess again and I know how much weight I’ve gained this past winter. U really are a help Aliyah, and I’m scared about the heart thing so I will just try 2 keep challenging myself like u said thanks again girls!! xoxo
1055 Aliyah // May 11, 2009 at 1:13 pm

megan- heyif three rehular meals is too hard have 5 small ones, just to make it easier. and yeah i mean, have a wee read at this http://adam.about.com/reports/000049_4.htm

dont worry abut gain, forget about it, every girl goes through it, and its honestly not as bad as u think. ive put on sum just now, ive been eatin loads extra but im not bothered, because there are more important things in life besides my weight.
im sure a nice hleathy mind would help with ur school work too

eat well, xx
1056 Nature // May 11, 2009 at 6:13 pm

Hey Megan and Aliyah, ^^.

Megan, I’m sad to hear that you’re having difficulties, . However, it sucks to be in the cycle of starving and eating, to feel worthless, tired, and crappy all the time. What we really don’t want is to be in that cycle. I know you want to be happy and recovered deep down inside. But hey, I have difficulties, too. I’m sure every recovering person has. Back in March, I came to the point where I couldn’t handle it. My mother is very degrading and negative towards me. She suffers from depression, too. My brother is a gambling addict, and my father is very biased and protective towards my mother. He thought it was all right for everyone to suffer and be negatively affected from my mother’s actions. Everyday I would come to a home where my mother was either lying in bed depressed, or to her saying, “Nobody loves me. I don’t want to live anymore. There is no point for me in living.” It hurt. She was like that since 2005. All of that and the ED I had for nearly two years made it overwhelming for me. So this March, I felt like I couldn’t take it. I chugged down about 30 pills my dad takes for his diabetes. I got rushed to the Emergency Room, got stuck to an IV, had to choke down 60 grams of charcoal, and ended up staying at the hospital for about a week. That made my family realize how much I was really suffering deep down inside. Even after such a horrible thing I have done, I still have family, friends, and a boyfriend who loves and cares about me. It’s amazing that they’re still with me after all the hurt I’ve put them through, .

Thanks for being a help as always, Aliyah, ^^. I’ve known my boyfriend since 2007, so two years. I’ve met him a bit before I had my ED, but I don’t know the date exactly, LOL. It’s just amazing how patient he is, and he’s come to understand the disease more. Yes, at times it has been rough, and we have fought about it before, but we still have the same goal: for me to get better, and to have a life together although that may sound silly since we’re still young, haha. It’s just amazing that he’s still with me after I’ve done all that.

And the ED clinic phoned me back, and they rescheduled again, back to the 13th so I can get in faster now! I’m happy! I’m still a little worried, hehe. I hope everything goes smoothly.

Take care everyone! <33.
1057 Tracie // May 11, 2009 at 6:31 pm

Hey Girls,
Its Trace.Just tryin to deal with the reality of gaining weight.
In a way Nature i wish i was back in clinic.
Theres so many girls there who understand how u feel from day to day.
I guess right now i feel grose,and alone.
I’ve put myself on a fruit,and yogurt diet for all of summer.
I can see a double chin coming in,and that scares the SHIT out of me.
Why do we go through so much turmoil just to eat food?
I don’t feel i’m lazy,but maybe i am!

Anyways I’m glad to hear that u go in sooner Nature.Do u know if it is a hospital or an actual clinic?Hopefully an actual clinic.
You will do great.It will be nice to have that physical support around u 24/7.
Ali u sound like ur kicken Ass.
You go girl!Megan SweetPea hang in there.I know easier said then done.
I’m here for all of u.
Don’t let school get the best of ya!
Half the stuff u learn in school u don’t even use in the work world.

Love to u all,
Trace xxxxxx
1058 Nature // May 11, 2009 at 6:52 pm

Hey Tracie!! Good to hear from you, hun.

It is an actual clinic, ^^. It’s actually a whole department kinda thing in this big hospital in my city dedicated to eating disorders. They have an inpatient program, a day patient program, and an outpatient program. They have psychiatrists, counsellors, pediatricians (since it’s a youth’s and children’s ED place, there’ an adult one downtown), nutritionists/dietitians, nurses, and a whole bunch of other staff, hehe. All my other doctors say they’re great support and wonderful people. I’ve talked to the head coordinator and nurse on the phone, and she was really nice, ^^.

From what I heard, the inpatient, which, as the name states, is inpatient. You live there with other girls who have eating disorders, have meals together, meet with a doctor, nurse, and other staff confidentially everyday and such. They also do outings, so they all might go to the movies together or to the park. Once you get better, they do light exercise such as yoga together, too.

Day patient is the same thing as inpatient except you just go there for the day and come home after dinner.

Out patient is where you go to the clinic every other day, two times a week, once a week, or however much the docs and you think you need to. You just go to talk and have support and to recover.

In a way I want to do the day patient since that way I won’t have an excuse for not eating, and would have to eat at certain times everyday. However, I’m scared of eating, LOL, so I don’t know how I’m going to bring myself to that program, xD.
1059 Tracie // May 11, 2009 at 7:20 pm

HI Nature,
It sounds very familar to the setting i was in.
I was inpatient for 5 weeks,then after when u hit a certain weight i went to outpatient.I had to stay in a hotel,and walk to clinic.
I was like u in the beginning.I starved myself,and ate maybe on a good day 40 calories,and a crap load of coffee.
I thought for sure”They’ll never get me to eat”.
I was wrong i cried my first week inpatient,and by the weekend i was eating 4800 calories a day,and still barely gaining weight.
The staff i had were not the friendliest.
Plus it didn’t help being in an ED group,but on a mental health floor.
Just stay strong,and be open.Let ur feelings flow,and u will be amazed at what u accomplish.

I wish u the best of luck.
I’ll be thinking about u,and praying.
Let me know if u have a address where ur staying.Letters are a world of help when u seem locked away from the world.

All My Love,
Trace xxxxxx
1060 Nature // May 11, 2009 at 8:29 pm

Sure, Tracie!

If I do get into inpatient, I’ll definitely give you the address, but I’m most likely doing day patient or outpatient. Either way, if you want to contact me you can email me, perhaps? My email is ef_112@hotmail.com. I have MSN, too. Anybody else can email me there, so if any of you girls feel like it, go right on!

Take care everyone, <333.
1061 Aliyah // May 12, 2009 at 5:34 am

nature- hey there no problem agen and aw that is so sweet about ut bf, its the same with mine, we both have the same goal, and he was alway sso happy everytime i achieved sumthing like going out for a meal and stuff. good luck for ur clinic!! yahhh, gettin bettter faster eh? what more cud u ask for? ur clinic sounds great, ull havr tones of support, and im sure ull make some great friends on the way. xx

tracie- lovely, please dont go on such a silly diet. uno starvation is not the way foward, and all ur doing is messing up ur whole body inside, and the longer u do it, the worse it is gna get and you will end up with irrevisrable consequences. i bet only you can seee the double chin no one else. because its not really there, u r not a number! u really arent, ur a person with a family and friends and a life. i really hope u can stay strong and eat properly, because its the only way out of this hell. its the harder way but it is the only way, because going bak and starvin uself or not eating is never gna move u foward only closer to a grave.
1062 bekki // May 12, 2009 at 7:25 am

hi its bekki xx
im at college at the moment, i havent had internet access lately.
bin struggling a little, iv iv been trying to eat regular meals but i still feel faint quite a lot and am havin sleeping problems. tbh iv not really bin takin my mood stabelisers all the time so iv bin VERY manic and this has caused me not to sleep.i do stupid things like spend too much money, trust complete strangers and talk about the most random things, i apparently told my social worker there was a dwaf hiding in his laptop bag… some people think its funny but others just think its crazy then i come down. awful.everyone at college is on about diets constantly and its stressing me out sometimes i wud just like to shout at them and tell them how it really is to be ill. how it is to be in an impatient unit for TWO AND A HALF YEARS.then being shoved in to homeless land how fkin fun!!!seriously im cracking up and people are begining to notice aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggghhh
1063 Aliyah // May 12, 2009 at 8:18 am

bekki- i dont think its crazy or funny at all, this is ur life and ur time and ur feelings and emotions matter. u shud definetly have ur mood stabalizers? then u wont have manic moments and deprrisve ones, well not as much i wud think? y r u not takin them anyway?
oh and ino i used to find it really hard to deal wtih girls on diets, it was like u have no idea what ur doing to urself!! but honesntly, just look past it, thats their life , their problem and dnt concern urself with it.

u need a gd sleep, its amazing what a good nites sleep does, so i hope u try to eat more, and take ur tablets, its not nice to have ur emotions and feelings all over the place.

x
1064 Megan // May 12, 2009 at 9:56 am

Aliyah,
OMG that link u gave me thanks so much! It scared the crap outta me! Like I knew Ana was dangeraous, but I really didn’t realise all the other things associated with it. And it is scary that I belong in allot of those categories. Like I know last summer, my dr. took a bunch of blood work but they found nothing wrong which is a good thing!! But just all of a sudden, my heart has started to act up at random times. I know when I was a kid, I had a bit of a heart mumor though. But my cousin who is a nurse at sick kids, who knew I was having problems eating told me the same thing that if I let this thing get 2 far I will end up dying of a heart attack. It really is scary. And it’s stupid that all us girls let ANA get the best of us. But I am happy 2 let u know I haven’t weighed myself in god knows when! And I am starting 2 come 2 terms now that IT IS NORMAL 2 have a flactuating weight. Although it fusturates me that’s just life lol. Thanks again Aliyah.
Nature,
You are a great inspiration and a help too!! But I honestly didn’t realise that you have gone through sooo much. I’m a really good listner, and I help allot of my friends who have depression and problems. So if you would ever like 2 talk I would be more than happy 2! I think I added ur right email, I saw it up on here. If you would like to talk email me at perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com that goes 4 any others 2!! xoxo

Trace,
Thanks 4 listening again girl. As I am always more than happy 2 help u too! I’m gonna try not 2 let this weight flacuation get a hold of me .

love you all!! xoxoxo
1065 Nature // May 12, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Hey everybody!

Tomorrow is my big, big day! I’m excited and worried, but I’m sure I’ll live, LOL.

Thanks Megan for your kind words, ^^. Support is sooo wonderful when we’re struggling, and every little bit counts!

And as usual, Tracie and Aliyah, thanks a bunch as well! You guys are really kind and wonderful people!

I just hope everything goes smoothly, and I wish all of you to keep fighting and be truly happy!

Bekki, taking medications everyday constantly must be very tiring, but hun, as Aliyah said, it might be better for you. Then you wouldn’t have to deal with the constant mood swings and the manic moments. I hope you consider what Aliyah said, and I truly wish for you to take care!

Love to all <3333,

Nature
1066 Laurie // May 13, 2009 at 2:15 am

Hi everyone Tracie Aliyah,Megan,

Well I just got out of inpatient for 6 days . ended up having to stay in the mental health floor due to alcohol and depression. so they regulated my meds. needless to say I will not be coming off of them for a bit. They wanted to get me into the residential but the insurance wouldn’t so I start the partial (day program) today. until they feel as though i need a higher level of care. am a bit nervous.. of course I will be the oldest and being where I am with my weight (not low)and feeling depressed ..well I am doing it for my boys .. because Matthew ..my oldest son was my motivation to go in… his words were “mom please don’t die on me” you have no idea how much I love you and you made a promise to dance with me at my wedding.. (no plans he’s still in h.s.) enough said ..so i guess it was worth spending mothers day in the hospital …gave away my scale .. but there is still that nagging sick feeling in my stomach when my pants are too tight and I can feel my thighs.. I just try to thing of what Matthew said.. wish me luck for today.. I am going to need it.
Laurie
1067 Aliyah // May 13, 2009 at 4:19 am

nature- all the best! im thinking of you, stay strong and remember this is for your good

laurie- thats realy heartbreaking, the words from your son come from the heart. just keep thinking of them, you need to get better, you have a duty to be there and be healthy and well for your children, i have every faith in you.
the most helpful thing for you to do is keep a positive attitude, which may be hard i know but do try and think of positive things, what u look foward to, and forget about unimportant things like a scale, who cares about ur weight? ur not a number.
x
1068 bekki // May 13, 2009 at 3:18 pm

hi everyone
feeling a bit better today, iv got my own apartment now and im moving out of this shelter in 2 weeks eating has been a bit of a stress tho tbh, i was doing so well but nowi can feel myself going back to the old habits.i want to live my life but theres always tht voice niggling in my head telling me to cut a few kcals here and there until i end up really resricting myself :s im really scared i want controll but i know that all ill get out of ana is lack of it.
laurie- what you said about your son really touched me, it made me think that i want to be there for my mum and shes so much more important than this illness.thankyou v much, stay strong xx
1069 laurie // May 13, 2009 at 6:03 pm

everyone..
made it thru the first day of partial, Aliyah ..you’re right i was thinking of my boys all day when they gave me my meal plan which was overwhelming. but i really want to stay out of residential. The groups were actually very good. Now if i can just get past the fear of putting on MORE weight. Matt’s actually given me his class ring to wear so when I get sad I can think of him.. needless to say.. i’m not sad anymore.. who needs meds ..when i have those boys to come home to. ( still taking meds which are helping)
thanks for all of the support and help
Laurie
1070 Nature // May 13, 2009 at 7:52 pm

Keep fighting Bekki and Laurie!!! You deserve happiness, love, and life! And guess what, you have people who love you and care for you all around you, <333, but I’m sure you know that already, hehe.

We all deserve more than ana!

Today I went to the ED clinic, and needless to say, I was anxious, worried, and nervous. My heart rate was on the low side due to the restriction, and I’m at a lower weight than they want me to be at, :S. They made me take some psychological tests and it clearly showed that I had an eating disordered mind, egh. Some of the tests were for depression and OCD, too. And yeap, I’m still depressed at times. Thank god I don’t have OCD, though. One less thing to worry about.

I was there for the whole day meeting with various psychologists, pediatricians, and such from 9 AM to 4:30 PM. What a day! They said that they’ll definitely help me, and I’m going into the outpatient program starting next week. However, they really want me to go into the inpatient or day patient program when there is a spot available ASAP. They told me that they wanted me to really consider it, but I’m so scared of going there! I’m scared of meeting girls and boys with EDs, whether it be bulimia, compulsive eating, or anorexia since I know there are kids/youths there all with different types of EDs. And I’m so worried about eating the food, . They told me that I could just go on the waiting list, and say no if I really don’t feel comfortable with it when a spot pops up. I don’t know what to do. They told me the inpatient/day patient will speed up my recovery, but ahh, I’m so scared of the food!!!! What do you think guys, :X????
1071 Tracie // May 13, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Hey Girls,
Hows it going?
Nature honey i am soooooo proud of you.You are taking a major step towards recovery.If u are able go inpatient.The structure is what WE all need.The constant 24/7 support will pull u through,and get u started on the right foot.
Now this is going to sound crazy,but my insurance was the same way.They thought i didn’t need inpatient,and wanted only 2 pay for out,but my Dr. saw a scar on my arm,and asked if i was suicidial?Of course i said no,but he told my insurance i was,and already tried once.IT WORKED!!!
When ur desperate you’ll do desperate things.
I’m not saying cut urself (No Way in Hell),but if u think u need to be,and really need to be inpatient tell them you’ve had thoughts,and that will get u in ASAP.
In the beginning its hard to gain weight then u get to a point like me,and u want to start losing again,when u (I) know thats Ana talking.
U know u mentioned ur son giving u his class ring.Thats his way of being with u when he can’t.My daughter was 6 years old when i went inpatient she came to visit one evening,and she had her baby blanket(Ya know the ones with name ,and day of birth),and she said to me”Mommy i can’t be here with u but my blankey can,and it will help u get better.”
Gosh children are soooooo smart.Doesn’t matter what age they see what is going on.Just like my Mom saw my ED before i did.
I have FAITH in u Nature.U are POWERFULL,and YOU CAN DO THIS.

Just remember when the going gets tough you have all of us here.
Ali,Megan,Bekki,Laurie,and Me(Trace).
WE LOVE U,AND ARE VERY PROUD OF U!!!!!

ForEver Connected!!!!!!!!
Trace xxxxxx
1072 Nature // May 13, 2009 at 10:05 pm

Awww, Tracie! Thanks so much! You got me more motivated, ^^.

It’s not that they don’t want to put me in inpatient. They WANT TO put me in inpatient, but I’m scared…. should I go for it? My mind is so muddled, I’m scared of the food structure, and meeting other kids/youths will all types of EDs, :S.

They said I can say no to the program once they find me a spot since there is a waiting list, but should I say yes? :X. During the waiting, I am going to the outpatient. They strongly suggest and ask me to consider going into intensive care or day patient once a spot is available, but I’m so anxious, worried, and nervous. It’s just the though of eating six meals a day… and seeing all the other kids having EDs…. ahhhh!!!! Do you think it’s a good idea going into inpatient? :X. I’m really confused, >.<, but thanks a bunch for all your support and kind words!!!!

Lots of love,

Nature
1073 Tracie // May 13, 2009 at 10:19 pm

Hi Nature,
I say YES YES,and YES again.Go into inpatient.
Just remember all of the other girls are just like us.They all have the same aniexty,and eating fears as well.
Are group was in a Mental ward,and we would tell the MHU patients not to look at us when we ate our meals.The Drs. are there to help.If u have certain feelings they’ll make sure u have ur meds.Also maybe think of a muscle relaxer.Thats what my Dr. did it would relax ur stomache muscles so ur food would digest,and just a little hint “If u rub ur stomache counter clockwise it helps digest food faster”.That is the way our intestines sit inside us,but remember you’ll probably be on meal watch for 1 hour.It takes that long to digest any food.So no bathroom or they(Staff) will go with u.

Definitly go inpatient.You will feel safer,and ur son can come see u there too.

I’m here for u honey.
GoodNight,and Sweet Dreams.

ForEver Connected.
Trace xxxxxxxx
1074 Nature // May 13, 2009 at 10:35 pm

Haha, thanks Tracie!!!

I will go on the waiting list for sure, and see how the outpatient system goes then decide. I still have the wait.. so I do have time to think over my options, hehe. But I do think I will say yes, ^^.

And just to let you know, I think you got me confused with Laurie. I’m only turning 16, and I am in no state to have a baby, LOL. She’s the one who has a son, and yeap, her son is sure supportive of her! You guys are lucky to have such a wonderful child! I wish I can be a mother some day!
1075 Laurie // May 14, 2009 at 1:42 am

Nature,
You should definitely go inpatient .I know the thought of it is sooo scary but it will do wonders for you. When I went the first time I was so nervous I thought for sure that it would put me over the edge ..but it just taught me to eat consistantly which is what I am looking for now and if i cant to it in the day program then i will go into residential.. dont let fear or Ana win.. you so deserve better than that.. at 16 you have so much living to do.. i know easier said than done.. because the very reason you dont want to go in is the very same reason i dont want to go in is the structure.. ha ironic .. thats what i am looking for but it is also what i fear.. sometimes i get so confused with even my own thoughts.
yes Tracie..it’s so true kids see more than we think.. which keep me honest sometimes.
stay strong.. enjoy the day..and dont set that “bar” too high do the best you can !!
Hugs
Laurie
1076 Aliyah // May 14, 2009 at 2:53 am

nature- go for it, go in. ino its scary, but its gna do u a world of good, and ur so lucky to have the backin of so many psychologists! definetly, because maybe one day inb the future u regret not going into it. just do it, and be strong. yes people will be there of all kinds of eds, but this is about you not them, and u need to lean what is enuff food also. you still have an ed mind, so go for it! you have nothing to lose.

laurie- glad u made it thru the daym u have lovely sons that obviously think the world of you, im sure u want to be there for them, all their lives seeing them grow up, please be a healthy mother for them. i just read a book about a girl with anorexia, and she had a terrible relatioship with her mother, and it ruined her life, its why she got ill, and she just wanted her mum to be there for her and love her. and ino obviously its a different situation with you, but just think of ur sons, you dont want to go to an early deathbed, it will break their hearts. also when ur thinkin of putting on weight, think of it to be regaining, weight u lost, cause it is, ur not gaining, ur just tryin to get to a healthy stable weight. thats all it is, its nothing! but ana will make a big deal of it as always.

bekkie- glad ull be in a flat soon, things are looking up eh? oh ino, that voice is gna say, restrict eat a bit less, but jst try ur hardest to push it away from you. i found that when i did that, and ate what i wanted, yes ai felt sum guilt after, but it goes away. and when i wanted to eat sumthing like a bar of chcolate i wud shout in my mind, i want this so i am going to have it! and if u do fancy sumthing but cant have it all, have sum half half, andhave the other half later but dont deprive urself, dont give in to that voice, the only way to get ur life bak on track fullly is to be healthy and fit enuff to make ur own decisions and focus on more important things than food. the disroder is about chaning thinking but also our behaviour.

x
1077 Nature // May 14, 2009 at 7:03 am

Thank you, everybody!

I think I’m seeing more clearly, haha. While I’m in the outpatient I’ll go on the waiting list for sure for inpatient/day patient, and see where I’m standing at when a spot does open. But yes, I do think I’ll go into inpatient or day patient.

I think day patient would be better and more comfortable for me since I’m still going there for the whole day so I would get the support, and I wouldn’t miss my family or my boyfriend. I live quite close so getting there is not an issue. Day patient is the same program as inpatient except you go home in the evening. So yes, I’d have to face my fears of structure, food, and all things new!

I have the first appointment for my outpatient program next week so I’ll see how that goes.

I wish everybody luck in their recovery, and yes, we all will be recovered in time!!

Lots of love and care,

Nature
1078 Rachel // May 16, 2009 at 4:56 am

I was recovering so well I dont know whats hapened but I feel so fat I had been eating normally for about a month just with no carbs
but I cant anymore Im hiding food again and drinking vinegar I haven’t had a drink for 2 days I cant stop thinking about the calories they have.
I dont want to tell anyone Ive relapsed because Im too fat to be forced to eat help me
1079 Aliyah // May 16, 2009 at 5:47 am

rachel- hi im aliyah. regaining the weight isa hard part of anorexia, and having no carbs is one of the worst things u cud do. you need to confont this, and realise that starving is not going to get you anywhere. it really isnt trust me.
eating normally for one month doesnt mean ur recovered, recovery takes months, years or whatever. its a long process and your not fat. thats anorexia talking.
can u go to a doctor n get counceling or sumthing? im sure u do not wanna get worse and ill agen like before, u know well how horrible it is.

x
1080 Megan // May 16, 2009 at 9:54 am

Rachel,
My name is Megan, and I’ve been off and on recovering from Ana 4 about a year now. Everyone on this site knows exactly how hard recovery can be. But internally, ur body is wanting u 2 get better. It’s screaming out 4 food. When u deprive it of the stuff it needs, it’s just gonna be like a car breaking down and needing a repair again. Like Aliyah said, depriving youself of carbs is the WORSE thing ever!! I know it’s scary 2 think eating carbs and I unfourtantly after depriving myself binged soooo much on bread and other stuff with carbs. But its good because I lacked it 4 so long. Why don’t you try just eating a little in moderation? That’s what I try and do, than work up the ladder until ur body gets used 2 “eating normal” again. And the viniger thing girl I’m sorry but that’s just gross! Lol. How can u even stand drinking it!? And not all drinks have cals. Why don’t you try diet drinks they have 0 cals, or even tea or coffee black? I find that drinking tea fills u up as well as release stress 2. if u ever wanna tlk email me at:perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com I am always here 4 u!!
1081 bekki // May 17, 2009 at 5:57 am

hi everyone
getting back on track now a bit, i think i was just haveing a few down days. thanks for being so supportive, i dont want to fall back into my old ways i really want to move on this time and make it work
nature- being an inpatient is scary at first but it really does help once you get more settled. iv been in 3 diffrent inpatient units and have been seeing nurses and OTs from outpatients for 6 years now without them i wouldnt be where i am they hav really made a difference.most of the other patients are usually nice, there is the odd few that arent but for the majority of the time iv been in units everyone has got on and i have made a lot of friends who helped me too. im going on holiday with my friend melissa who i met as an inpatient we were both at our very worst stages but together we have got through it good luck chicka xxxxx
1082 Nature // May 17, 2009 at 8:49 am

Thank you, Bekki, .

I keep on hopping back from deciding to go and deciding not to go. It’s just that I’m so anxious and worried about it, but I know it is now worth it and that I should go into it from what everybody has told me here. I suppose I’ll have to hold my breath and jump into the dark waters!
1083 Megan // May 17, 2009 at 9:03 am

nature,
hehe I know we already tlk allot on MSN already but… thought I would blab a lil more here 2. HEHE! I totally can relate 2 what you are feeling about the ED clinic. When my doctor diagnosed me, every time I went back and forth for check-ups she was constintly threatening 2 send me to an eating disorder clinic if I didn’t change my ways. I was sooo freaked!! I guess that helped me change my ways, and recover cause I thought of all the stuff I would be missing such as friends, school, family , etc. And I didn’t want that 2 happen! So I promised myself I would try and get better. Girl, u just gotta keep on pushing! I know u can do it! And even if u do go 2 the ED clinic, I am sure that it will be 4 the best cause they will help u recover for life. Think of it as a fresh start to a new life. keep staying strong and eating!! xoxo
1084 bonnie // May 17, 2009 at 5:17 pm

Hi everyone, im bonnie. im fourteen years old, im really young. im in recovery from my eatingdisorder. my eating disorder has switched back and forth between anorexia and bulimia. my lowest weight was pounds. i went into renfrew inpatient, then intesive outpatient for 8weeks. im doing better now, but im still having really strong voices in my head to restrict! and i wanna lose weight again its really hard..but im trying. goodluck<3 everyone
1085 Megan // May 17, 2009 at 8:35 pm

Bonnie,
Welcome! My name is Megan I am 18 yrs old and have been on and off recovering from Ana for about a year now. Everyone on here knows exactly what recovery is like. But remember thats what we are here 4! We are in this all together! So what ever comes our way, we can help each other pull ourseelves through it. I totally know what u mean about the battle of voices. But you gotta remember that voice isnt you! It’s fake! Ana tries 2 get inside our heads and mess with us. Life is 2 short 2 listen 2 a fake. Live life the way YOU want to, not the way Ana wants to live it 4 u. I hope that helps! xoxo
Megan email me any time!… perfectangel14_16@hotmail.com
1086 Nature // May 17, 2009 at 10:23 pm

Hehe, thanks everyone once again.

A big welcome to Bonnie! Please, recovery is the way to go. I know you don’t want to live life with an eating disorder. It never gives us anything. It constantly takes away from us, and eventually, it will take your life, :/.

And hehe, I’m sure you bumped into this site by typing in recovery or something of the sort, so you do want to get better! I can totally relate with you. Restricting seems waaay simpler and easier than to eat, but really, it does no good for us. You’re so young, and you have a lot ahead of you. Don’t let an eating disorder ruin it. You’re beautiful, strong, and lovely. As everybody here says, you are more than a number!
1087 Aliyah // May 18, 2009 at 4:03 am

bonnie- hiiya lovely. i was 14 too when i was got my first eating disorder- bulimia, then anorexia and now im 19 and finally, i can put it aside from my life. the hourney is not easy, and it can be really long, but u need support, motivation, will power and you need to keep remindsing urself, life is not just about food and our own food pre occupations. u shud read some recovery books, theyll give u a great boost theres ‘to die for’ by carol lee, i reccoment it. itll give u great hpe and insight. just like nature said, restricing is not the way to go, we feel were in control then but wer not anorexia is, were only in control when we can ignore the voice and overcome it

nature- how u been doing? its sooo good to hear u giving advice on hwow bad restricting is, and how recovery is the way to go. ur frame of mind is positive and focused on recovery and that makes me happpy! yahhh keep eating, keep wining , keep getting ur life back, and dont ever be afraid to ask for help
1088 Nature // May 18, 2009 at 12:27 pm

Hey, thank you Aliyah!

You made me feel good, I didn’t realize I was being positive, LOL. Making others happy, makes me happy, . Thank you for the positive insight on me, ^^.

I am trying my best, and tomorrow, I will have my first appointment at the ED clinic to meet with a nutritionist and one of the doctors. I hope she can come up with a meal plan because I have no idea if what, how, and when I’m eating is right, xDD. I have no idea how to eat, when to eat, and what to eat! Recovering from anorexia is like learning how to eat again. Hopefully she/he can help me with it. I get so confused over food, :X. But yeah, I’m keeping at it with all the support I’m receiving from you guys and the people around me! Thank you so much, everyone!
1089 bekki // May 19, 2009 at 2:32 pm

hi
welcome to bonnie youv come 2 the rite place everyone is lovely and supportive here. i can totally relate to wat your saying, iv been in ED clinics as an inpatient for very long periods of time and even though iv been out for 5 months i still get really off days.
had a pretty shitty (ha that rhymes) day, hav tryed soooo hard lately bt im slipping a little.got a bit ill today…had a long chat with my support worker who made me feel a lot better, even if she did threaten me with the whole sectioning thing. i know iv heard it a million times but i need to start my new life and the last thing i want is to end up in a secure under the mental health act :s
i really need a decent nites sleep, havent had one in ages!strange cos usually when i lose weight i sleep all the time but now i cant at all.im so tired but i cant sleep its doin my head in!!!!
good luck tommoro nature, i hope it goes very well for you
xxxxxxxxxxxx
1090 Nature // May 19, 2009 at 8:01 pm

Thank you Bekki dear.

I went today, and I did get a meal plan. It’s quite basic and whatnot, but it did give a solid blueprint as to what and when I should be eating.

I need to gain some weight and I should be eating more as well. *Sigh*, it’s hard, but I’m keeping at it for everything that is left for me in my life: my family, friends, and my boyfriend. Gotta keep going!
1091 Aliyah // May 20, 2009 at 4:09 am

nature- heya! ur not gaining weight, your REGAINING. that is it, simple as that, but while ur regaining ur weight, ur regaining ur life back! yahhh, and u shud be so proud of urself.
remember stick to the meal plan and if u still feel hungry u can eat on top of it

bekkie- heya . sorry to hear u dont feel great about urself, but honestly ino how hard the journey is, sumtimes u just wanna give up, stop and want to be alone with the ed, as the comfort. but thats not real life, and you have to not use food as ur safety place. the place u feel u have control. think of th good things in life, what u have going for u, what u cud achieve, what u can do, and then do it, get to where u wanna be. i mean u dnt wanna be like this, 5, ten years down the line?
and sleeping, well eating well= good sleep, i culdnt ever sleep wehn i was restricing and losr weight, i was too cold and my mind was functioning. try spraying sum lavender, and have sumthing like a banana and milk before bed.

x
1092 Nature // May 20, 2009 at 11:31 am

Thank you Aliyah, as always!

I am trying my best to keep going, and the nutritionist I met was a very lovely lady! I still don’t have my period, and she said it’s a very good possibility that I’m underweight for it and suggested me to gain some weight. She said she’ll tell me the weight range that I should actually be in at my next appointment, which is some time next week.

The thing is, I was at around 105 pounds when I was 14. I have always been on the slim side, but I was about two inches shorter when I was 14, as well. Now I’m a bit taller, and I’m at a 100. As my nutritionist said, people gain weight until they’re around 19 – early 20′s, so I should be weighing more than when I was at 14, . I have the weight that I lost to regain + whatever amount I need to gain to be in the weight range that she recommended. I hope I get my period back, >.<.
1093 bex // May 20, 2009 at 12:00 pm

hi everyone sorry i havent been on a while,ive recently been to the hospital again and they said that im a normal weight now yey! i feel so glad for once,though im still being really strict just to maintain my weight.
i was wondering if anybody knows about the “period” situation and have symptoms like dry skin spots loss of appetite sikky feeling headache fatigue depression and sorry to be full on but i get dripping feeling down below but theres nothing there could this be a sign of my period ? i havent had one for two years has anybody got experiences of starting theres again thanlk you! btw: hope ur all doing great and stay strong!
1094 Aliyah // May 20, 2009 at 12:16 pm

bex heya, my periods come and go, theyre not normal, but i find just making sur ei have a balanced diet, and that means enuff, protein carbs and fruit nad veg was when it came back. but u shud try to have iron and protein especially, because u need to have strong bones, otherwise ur period wont come back. also go to ur doctor if it doesnt come back soon, because u can maybe go on the pill to bring it back. but sumtimes it just takes a long time, so give it time. but CONGRATS and wlel done on gettin to ur weight, u shud be estatic. i hope u feel good about it.u saved ur own life!
nature- yea thats gd wha ur nutrionist said and its good u are taking it al into account, uve got lots of reagaining to do, and ur period will come back once ur body and mind is healthier

stay positive! xx
1095 Nature // May 20, 2009 at 6:42 pm

Congratulations Bex on achieving a healthy weight!!!! Keep eating healthy, but everything in moderation is good, . Take a light, short walk at times if you need to keep your mind off things, that helps me at times. As long as it doesn’t become a run or something, it’s all good.

And once again girl, congratulations! Keep eating, and be happy, .
1096 Nature // May 21, 2009 at 3:41 am

Oh thank you once again, Aliyah!

It’s just sooo frustrating since even though I eat a piece of junk every day, I still don’t gain anything, :S. I mean, I’d have like a big cookie or a giant muffin during the day, and I’d have ice cream for breakfast or full fat yogurt for the calcium.. I even started eating some chips, and yeuck, they’ve never been my liking. It’s too greasy and leaves my stomach upset, :X. I bought some dried fruit and nuts instead as a replacement for the chips…. but I’m getting TIRED of eating junk EVERY single day, but not gain a pound, -_________-.

Also, the nutritionist said that my stomach has to get used to getting dairy intake again since if I’ve not been having it for a long time, my body would be low on the enzymes for digesting it. Needless to say, I made myself drink a chocolate milk for the calcium + calories a week before her visit, and I felt real sick, LOL. I’ll just have to keep experimenting with food. I really like healthy foods naturally, so I’d probably just stick to my baked goodies such as muffins and banana loafs as well as fruits + nuts. And, I’ll buy some skim milk + those chocolate/cacao powders to add into it. Hopefully that will work. Do you have any more ideas as to what I can do? :S, I have no idea in what I’m doing, LOL. I compare what I eat to what my boyfriend eats as a guideline. He assures me it’s normal to eat junk every day, and he does so as well, but he’s slim and super tall so he has a lot to worry about, LOL. Lucky bloke! .

Take care girls! Keep fighting!
1097 Aliyah // May 21, 2009 at 4:06 am

nature- ur doning really well! honestly, im so proud, i think its great u can go out and try different types of food, and experiment with it, i was too scared to do that at first for a long time. but yeah firstly u need to eat an extra 500 cals a day extra than what u normally eat, everyday to gain one pound, then to gain another have another 500 cals per day extra on top of everything u have also.
it seems a lot but im like u, i prefer healthy foods. what i did was have loads of fruit and nut mixes, theyre packed with cals, and healthy too. and have high energy drinks, make sure theres no diet stuff, eat regularly, lots of snacks all the time, an extra biscuit, with ur tea type thing.
dont do it all through junk food, cause the last thing u want is horrible teeth and tons of fillings so, yeah i mean eat the chcolate and chips but more importantly have big meals, that have enuff carbs fat and protein, so u know ur getting enuff food.

all the best! ur doing greatm keep us updated!
x
1098 Nature // May 21, 2009 at 11:12 am

Thanks, Aliyah!

I really am trying my best, haha. So yeah, I’ll listen to you since you’ve “been there and done that,” LOL. I guess I’ll dunk the junk, and add healthier choices.

The problem with me is that I can’t eat sweet stuff such as cakes, candies, chocolates, and doughnuts as well as fried chips. I just don’t like them, and they leave my stomach really, really upset with my heart throbbing, :X. I suppose I’ll stick to muffins and banana loafs since they aren’t super sweet, and they’re on the healthier side. I also like them, haha. I wonder what I’m going to do with my ice cream, though, :X. I guess I’ll have to eat it throughout the months…
1099 Aliyah // May 21, 2009 at 12:33 pm

nature- dont eat what u dont like! honestly, u need to enjoy the foods, not be sitting there forcing urself to eat sumthing. n yeah i mean try all diff types of muffins and stuff and u cud maybe have bagels? pancakes, popcorn or whatever if u like them. u dont like ice cream?!! ill eat it! haha. i used to have weird cravings, and eat things like banana spread on pancakes, and yoghurt on toast ( dnt ask!) but yeah combine diff things and eat things u enjoy:D
just make sure ur eating regulary ( at least every 4 hours), eating lots and no diet stuff.

keep us updated
x
1100 Nature // May 21, 2009 at 1:30 pm

LOL, Aliyah, when I have cereal, I dump yoghurt on it, haha! I totally get what you mean! I think we have similar tastes, too, because I used to make banana pancakes, xDD.

And I like ice cream, but it’s just that I have been having it waaaaaaay too often now (almost every day) for the calcium and calories, but if you lived close by, I would for sure share some with you, ^^! I just don’t like chips and sweets, although I occasionally have it (every couple of months or even half a year).

I think you made me realize an important part in recovery: finding foods I enjoy! Now that you mentioned it, it makes no sense in shoving food that I don’t like into my body, LOL. I think I’ll go buy more dried fruit and nuts soon. I’ll make some muffins when I feel like them, haha.

Once again, thank you, girl, for helping me!

Lots of love, and take care everybody,

Nature
1101 Aliyah // May 21, 2009 at 2:16 pm

nature- omg ahahha im not alone in my weird cravings then!! but yeah ice cream is good, if u want it everyday i dnt see why not, try diff flavours, try addings toppings to it, and stuff, so its not like ur hain the same thing everyday.
keep motivated! its lovely to hear u sounding happy and enjoying wat ur eating.

lots of love and ur wwelcome btw! i am here to help

x
1102 Nature // May 21, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Hehe, you go girl!

You’re so strong, and I hope I can get recovered as much as you. And you spend SO much time helping others here even after you are recovered, you’re unbelievably kind!!! Everybody wouldn’t know what to do without you here, Aliyah!

Take care hun! And I wish everybody good luck in their recovery!

-Nature
1103 Megan // May 23, 2009 at 7:40 am

Nature & Aliyah,
Ahh gosh I can soooo relate 2 those weird food cravings 2!! :S At 1 point my parents thought I was even pregant YIKESS! Lol. Cause I was just craving the oddest things! Right now, I am going through what Natures going through. It really feels like Bulima. I literaly am stuffing my face with carbs and stuff that I don’t really feel like eating but I eat it anyways. :S For months now, I have been binging on bread loaded with peanut butter and margrine and sometimes honey. I go through sooo much of it!! And the binging can get carried away, and I will end up gaining a wack of weight from it. I just wish I could stop the cycle of binging and eating when I am not even hungry. But maybe I am hungry because I know I don’t eat enough in the day but come night I eat. And dinner really is the 1 main meal I eat.
1104 Nature // May 23, 2009 at 11:58 am

Hey Megan!

I totally understand what you mean. Aliyah made me realize that I have to find foods that my body naturally can handle + like. I didn’t binge at all on the junk I had the last few weeks, but I was just having it in moderate amounts throughout the day for the calories. Those foods kept me from losing weight, and I have no idea how I’m going to keep my weight the same let alone gain some without those types of food, which I can’t even eat!

I replaced the chips and such with nuts since I like them, and the ice cream is slooowly going away. I have full fat yogurt instead. They both have the same calories per serving. Well, in my brand, lol. I stopped buying chips because I literally hate them, and tbh, I’ve never been much of a snack person since I was around 10 years old. It’s hard to snack for me, but I do anyway since I know it’s good for my body.

I know I talk to you on MSN and stuff, too Megan, hehe, but why not start out with something that you like for breakfast? In a way, I started out with ice cream for calcium + the calories and also because it was easier for me to eat since it’s like liquid. However, the nutritionist wants me to go back to solid food slowly, and that’s quite hard for me, =(. When I was anorexic, (and I don’t see myself as an anorexic anymore because I’m in recovery) I would basically have a small amount of cereal with a tablespoon of yogurt on top of it, some really watery fruit throughout the day, and soup for dinner, if I even had dinner. So yeah, I barely had “solid food”.

These few days have been *very* uncomfortable for me since my stomach was protesting with the increase of solid food. It hurts like heck, :/, but my nutritionist said it’s normal to experience that. Gahh, it’ll take time to get used to this recovery business, xD.

I wish you good luck in recovery, Megan! And how is life for you, Aliyah? I hope it isn’t super busy for you!

Lots of love girls,

Nature
1105 Teddy // Jun 3, 2009 at 12:17 pm

hi everybody (:
sorry i’ve not been on here for ages.. our computer broke for weeks and then when it finally got fixed, we went on holiday xD
actually, when we were away we stayed at this hotel that had a buffet for breakfast and tea everyday, and the desserts were SO tempting.. i think i stuffed myself every night xD it was strange, though. i don’t remember ever being so tempted by stupid things like cakes and ice cream but i couldn’t resist! when i got back home, though, for some reason i hadn’t put on any weight :S which confused me cause i was expecting to have gained about half a stone or something x’D

i don’t know whether i’m neccesarily going the right way, though. even though i did stuff myself and enjoyed it while i was eating it, i felt AWFUL seconds afterwards and was very tempted to throw it up back at the hotel room a few times. one night i actually just burst out into tears right after tea and had to tell my mum i just felt really sick, but i just hated the thought that i’d just ate so much :S

i feel awful because now that i’m back home i’m tempted to stick to just soup a day for the next few months so i can feel better and look as thin as my friend, beth (who is really thin cause she has a VERY fast metabolism but can eat anything she wants :’) )

anyway, how is everyone else doing? glad to know i’m not the only one having weird cravings ^^;; good luck, everyone (:

<3 xx
1106 Nature // Jun 5, 2009 at 11:42 am

Awww, Teddy!

It’s good that you were able to eat. Your body needs it definitely. I, too, at the beginning of my recovery ate quite a bit of junky food. It’s only your body’s natural instinct after it has been starved for so long. It wants food, lol. And hun, you won’t gain weight because your body has been deprived so much. It’s using it all up to repair itself.

Also, everybody has a different body size, and each of our bodies are so unique and work differently. I go to an ED clinic, and the docs there told me that each one of us have a natural potential weight range like our potential height. If we eat well, our body will go to that weight naturally. If we try to fight it (like anorexia), our body will lower its metabolism to try to not lose weight. If we eat a bit more than usual, it will increase our metabolism to burn it off. Mother Nature made us this way so we can have late night cookies and treats, .

For my part, I was never, ever happy when I was losing weight. As soon as a pound was lost, I wanted to lose even more. I isolated myself from others, lost relationships with friends, and I just had me and my ED. I had no life. You want to be truly happy, don’t you?

I came to realize that “me” wanting to lose weight to be happy really wasn’t me. It was my anorexic thinking. Happiness is so much more than weight, calories, and food.

You are so much more than a number on the scale, dear. Don’t be tempted. Take good care of yourself emotionally and physically.

Lots of love,

Nature.
1107 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:52 pm

teddy- im glad u enjoyed and stuffed urself every nite! u didnt put on weight because ur body needs it, do not get down about it. u can clearly see its nt gna make u fat or anything, and u can afford to eat a lot of food.
do not go back to just livin on soup now, u need a lot more nutrition than that, and its the worst thing u can do to ur body. u need good solid food, im not saying stuff ur face every nite and eat till u feel sick, im tryin ti say, eat till u feel comfortable and enjoy the food ur eating. u need 2000 + cals, every day, dont compare urself to ur friend. ur not her, ur you. we all are unique, and have different body shapes and sizes.
embrace who u rea;lly are, not copy sumone else. like nature said, hapiness is not weight loss calories and diets, happiness is accepting who u are. no matter what, or how much weight u try to lose or lose, u will not be happy ever.
its time to move on from ana, and the thoguhts and feelins will go away eventually, when ur mind is healthy.

all the best x
1108 Amanda Panda // Aug 9, 2009 at 9:22 pm

Hi, My name is Amanda…and I guess you could say I’m a recovering Annorexic. The reason for the questioning myself would be; I keep having thoughts of going back. It all started in 2006 when I was 17. I was in a terrible relationship and he would call me a cow and fat,etc. At that time I was normal weight. I was 5’7″ and weighed 130lbs, plus I did sports so I was musclular. But he kept on pushing me to lose weight. It was a hard year for me,becuase I lost my Pappap and I was vonrable. I did everything I could to lose the weight and I got down to 90lbs wet. The entire time I became very sick in the head and looked in the mirror and saw a huge fatty…when I was literraly bones. I left him over a year ago and went to therapy. They put me on prozac which completely altered my thoughts on food. Since I had starved myself so long…I gained weight very quickly. Now I am considered over weight since i doubled my weight to 180lbs. I hate my body more than ever now. I stopped taking prozac aout 6months ago,becuase I was having some weird side effects. And now I just have an unhealthy obssesion with sitting my my room on my laptop,looking at old pics of me when I was thin. I would love to have a healthy body..not rail thin but Im so scared to diet becuase I know I’ll just stop eating once I do [its a pattern].
I don’t know what to do and it drives me out of my mind. I am now 20 years old and I dont want to live with this for the rest of my life….HELP.
1109 saphire // Aug 9, 2009 at 9:52 pm

Amanda, hunny, I know where you’re at, exactly. Im in the same boat as you. Im 22 now, had anorexia for about 2 and a half years prior to this one, got down to a dying weight and when I began my road to recovery I gained all my weight back and then some. And yes, I am technically overweight now. Im the same as you- exactly. But you know why we are at this insane weight right now? Because we starved our poor bodies for sooo long! of course we had to gain alot. A person who is starved and they start eating will quickly gain a LOT of weight, but they will lose it again. Your body is not meant to be 180. You were a perfectly perfect size and weight at 130, 5’7. Your ex is a dick. He is a shallow immature person who is very insecure himself, therefore he hurts people to make himself feel more power. You were never fat, never, you were a perfect normal size, and slim at that if you were toning while doing sports.
This starving your body has thrown it in a loop right now as you started eating a while ago and it is going to hold on to the weight a little bit. This is totally normal, but trust me when I say, it will go. It just takes time
You’re a beautiful person inside and out. I know that when someone else tells us otherwise, even its not true, it breaks us down, but you have to be stronger than that. Don’t let your ex boyfriend win. He will win if you go back. Don’t go back sweetie. Think of all the hard work and huge accomplishment you have from recovering. People die all the time from anorexia. You have proven you can beat it. So please dont go back there. YOu werent happy- you said so yourself. You were miserable. Anorexia is hell.
Sure I look at old pics sometimes thinking about how thin I was and sometimes I fleetingly wish I was that thin again. But then I remember what a sad, cold lonely miserable life I was living under anorexia’s grip. Dont give up. You have the strength in you. I know that- you know that, you have shown that.
Keep your head up high and believe it yourself. Say it- “I am beautiful” its true. Say it and believe it. You have come along way, be proud of yourself. Im so proud of you for making it in recovery this far. Keep right on going hun. I know you can do it! xx
1110 aliyah // Aug 10, 2009 at 2:41 am

amanda- everything saphhire says is so true. ur ex is a dick, and you cannot let him win. everyone wants to look ‘thin and happy’ but you know fine well,starvation and restricting, does not lead to a healthy life. it just leads to unhealthy obsession. your body is healthy now at least, its just howits meant to be. its something thats hard to accept, but you must try to push past it, and focus on the more important things in life.

you have come a long way, and i admire you for getting so far in recovery. look 2 a life without anorexia and that is honestly a happier life. recovery is about acceptance of yourself, and everything u are too, so tell urself u love you, and admire the parts of your body you like now, and forget what ur ex said. hes not worth it!

xx
1111 Amanda Panda // Aug 10, 2009 at 12:35 pm

Thank you guys above….That really did make me feel alot better… WHen I started eating again…i wasnt pigging out,just eating aout 1500-2000cal/daily at max…but then again my body was used to 0-50 cal/daily. I read when you do that you’re body goes into starvation mode and packs on alottt of weight fast =/
What ive done now is just cut down on the cal just some. I took about 500 out a day on empty calories=] i just hope it works even a little. i know its all a time game. >.< thanks bunches
1112 Nature // Aug 10, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Amanda, I am so proud of you for sticking through it all and letting your body naturally do what it wanted to do.

You really have come a long way, and you should give yourself a lot of credit for that! What Saphire and Aliyah said is so true. Don’t let yourself be engulfed by negative people and their opinions. They’re false and negative. It is what it is, crap, and nobody deserves that.

Look forward to your new life. You’re a beautiful individual, and you deserve the best!
1113 tiffany // Aug 10, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Hello, my names Tiffany So I was anorexic for about eight months and went down to 108 and i m 5″8 but now in like less then a month i went up to 120 cuz i m eating so much everyday i think i m binge eating now. has anyone threw this how can i fix this i dont wanna be anorexic but i dont want to compulsivly eat anymoer either!!
1114 aliyah // Aug 11, 2009 at 3:05 am

amanda- glad u feel better. and 1500- 2000 cals isnt a binge, realy when ur recovering they say u shud eat 3000 cals to get ur body to a higher weight faster, so dont feel uve binged out and overate.
your body may still distribute weight, who knows, but just focus on sustaiing a healthy weight, and being yourself!
your not a number and you shud focus on other things in life now, you have no time for an eating disorder all the best xxx

tiffany-, firstly well done on taking the route to recovery. its the best decision ull ever make trust me and yes regaining weight is a toughpart, but remember ur only regaining the weight u lost, not actually gaining any weight. plus, when u first start to eat again, your body will put on weight a lot faster, until ur metabolism speeds up again. fast weight regain is one stage, after that it will stabailise, and weight wont come on so fast. itll become harder to regain as u eat more and more.
theres only one proper way thru the stage, and that is to eat alot of cals, and to eat regularly,at least every 4 hours cause this helps ur metabolism.

stay strong, and in the times u feel bad or horrible, just write a list of everything u have to look foward to when u get to a healthy weight, and dont have an unhealthy mind. ull be able to go out and eat and not feel bad when u eat certain foods, and not feel fat and horrible… etc.

remember ur not binge eating, u have a lot of cals to make up for all the ones u lost out on, and lots goes to repair of body so feed ur body and feed ur mind!

xxx
1115 tiffany // Aug 11, 2009 at 7:15 am

heyy yeah i understand but the past three days i have been binge eating like 4000 calories. its really bad, and I am putting on weight really super fast and all i eat is junk food and i start a good day of eating and then at like one in the morning i eat like 3,000 or more calories in ONE sitting!
1116 tiffany // Aug 11, 2009 at 7:17 am

has this happen to anyone? how do u fix it?
1117 aliyah // Aug 11, 2009 at 9:10 am

tiffany its happened to me! its part of recovery, honestly it is. and it passes. right now, ur body just wants food, all sorts of food, all kinds and it craves it, and u just need to give into it. after a while it will stop, just remember how much u deprived ur body and this is paying it back in a way. dont panic, ur body is amazing too, it will know when too much is too much and itll send signals.

just bear with it, and give it time.
x
1118 Nature // Aug 11, 2009 at 1:07 pm

Oh Tiffany, I’m so proud of you for choosing recovery!

I have went through similar experiences. When I first started eating again, I would constantly eat “junk” food such as cookies, potato chips, scones, muffins, etc. etc. That went on for a month or so until my eating finally stabilized. You just have to let your body do what it wants because it’s been starved for so long, it needs the food. It’s your body’s natural instinct for after it’s been starved for so long because it’s afraid it’s not going to get food again.

It is really hard to accept that. It takes time, but honestly, your body will stabilize as long as you let it do what it wants. When I first started “binging” I was so afraid that I’ll never stop. As soon as I finished a scone or a cookie, I’ll sit for a while and go, “okay, I had one, I don’t need another,” but my body told me otherwise so I said to heck with it and had another, lol. I probs had like three raspberry white chocolate scones at once, a muffin for breakfast, and I’d eat like almost every two hours or something since my body kept on going, “I want food”.

After about 3-4 months though, I am finally eating well. I was really surprised a few days ago when I had half a scone and didn’t have the urge to eat the other half!

It just takes time, but I know you’re very strong and you’ll get through this for sure. Keep on fighting!
1119 Teddy // Aug 11, 2009 at 2:22 pm

Omggg, i’ve just sent a really long comment and it didn’t send xD :’) but i think it went something like this, if i remember right…
Hi everyone! sorry i haven’t commented in ages… my computer wouldn’t let me comment or even view the site D; but anyway! How’s everyone doing? (: tiffany, i’m in the same boat |: i feel like i’ve been craving so much junk food lately, my parents have even been saying ‘you’re eating like a bloody pig’ and ‘if this carries on you’ll explode’ xD it feels so wrong to have that craving to eat constantly.. and i’m really really scared because i’ve put on quite a lot of weight and it’s like… some days i’ll just not care at all and eat anything i want because i can’t resist, but then i may feel AWFUL about it the next day and just… i dunno, i’d resort to eating as little as possible and exercising as much as possible the next day for as long as it lasts until i get that ‘not caring’ feeling again. But there’s been a lot of other things going on that have got me down about things lately as well, though, so it’s really hard for me to make a final decision on what i really want. Then again, it’s really hard for me to be able to limit how much food i eat recently because, you see, we’re on our summer break from school now and a few weeks before we broke up for the holidays, someone in my school (i still have no idea who, no one would tell me :S..) told our headteacher that i had been skipping lunch and not eating in school, so she took it very seriously and when she confronted me about it, i ended up bursting into tears and begging her not to tell my parents – but she did anyway and, well… they knew i’d been eating as little as possible at home on most days as well so they were fuming at me about it \: they’re still deciding whether they want to send me to counselling now, and i think the only thing stopping them is the fact my mum’s scared that if it goes on my records then it may wreck my chances for a good future… it’s really scary thinking i’ve caused all this, but something still wants me to always resort back to not eating. Either way, it feels like i can’t win because i feel judged by everyone when i eat too much because they point it out and think i’m possibly faking my ED? :S which just makes me feel awful to think that people could expect that from me. But if i don’t eat enough then people are always telling me ‘omg, why can’t you just eat like normal people? ¬¬’ so i’m just really confused right now >< has anyone else had this? Does it stop at all? ): i really miss being mega thin, but.. i just don’t know how i can make things right. This has torn my relationship with my parents and my best friend and i feel awful for it, but i feel like it’s still got a grip on me. And my friend who suffers from the same thing told me that she’s been to counselling and it doesn’t help \: can anyone help at all? Oh, and i am now 15 as of yesterday morning xD love you all, thanks so much
xxx
1120 aliyah // Aug 12, 2009 at 2:43 am

teddy- hello! nice to hear from you, im well thanks

recoverry is not easy, theres a lot to it, theres regain as well as building relations and learning to love urself.
one of the things u must do, and this is hard is eat consistently, and not restrict becausse that is anan winning. u have to eat 3 meals a day with snacks, in recovery u shud be eating a lot of calories, at least 2000- 3000, because its the only way to increase ur metabolism and let ur body trust u again.

your parents are worried about you, they want u to be at a healthy weight and be happy, and not have to worry about if ur eating properly, and it is hard for you i know. its also hard for the parents too though, they want to help you, so they encourage you to eat, and they find it hard to trust u to eat properly. u have to rebuild that trust, and theres only one way to do it, regain ur weight and eat, eat with them, eat well and try to talk to them, if ur having a bad day, tell them, sumtimes a hug is all you need.

you absolutely can make things right! ur 15 now, and now its time to take control, by eating well, and learning that food is not the enemy.
counceling does help, it helps if u go and be completely honest and open up to anything thats bothering you, and if u do that it can help. but really, its about self motivation, you have to want to get better. and then keep that in ur head at all times.

so write down everything u will gain from recovering properly, – a healthy body, mind, better relations, the abilty to go out and eat what u want… for example last nite i went to my frends house and we ordered pizza and then had ice cream. now a while ago, i wouldnt have been able to do it, and i probably would have restricted the next day or on the day, but i didnt, and i im not, because what do i gain from that? nothing! life is too short to be in the grips of your eating disorder.

all the stress of the relations spilliting up, makes u want to go back to ana because thats the only way u know to cope. u have to find another way to cope, that doesnt control food, u have to regain the trust of others and eat well. start eating school lunch, and start to try and talk to ur parents or do things with them. they will learn to trust you i promise.

also take my email alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com- mail me anytime! ive been thru it all, and nowim healthy and happier!

have a wee read at this too – http://www.something-fishy.org/dangers/dangers.php

and remember ur not alone!

xx
1121 Teddy // Aug 13, 2009 at 9:10 am

guys,
i really don’t know if i can do this anymore..
a load of crap has went on with me lately and it’s really making me question what the point is in anything. And i’m fed up with people telling me ‘stop being dramatic’ or ‘you’re just being a typical teenager, you know that, right?’ i’m not convinced that how i feel right now is ‘normal’ in any way. I’ve messed up my life and can’t do anything about it. I’m seeing things like i’ve never seen them before and it’s terrifying me because i feel like i hate everybody. I hate my parents and i can’t trust anyone my age to even be the slightest bit loyal, let alone be friends with them and be able to trust them. I’ve learnt that even when you’re ABSOLUTELY convinced you can trust someone and that they care for you, you’re wrong, and what they’re saying is just words, and i’ve had that proven to me more than once. And people saying they understand? Really, how can they? They have no idea – them telling me they understand is clearly just words as well because if they understood then they’d do the right things to show it and to help, NOT make things worse. Even the idea of having trust in a diary is out the window now because i’ve had to get rid of it on account of the fact my family can’t be trusted in that department. I don’t know what to do anymore, i’ve just lost all meaning to everything. I just feel like there’s no hope anymore, and the world is against me, and is an awful place ><
xx
1122 Teddy // Aug 13, 2009 at 9:19 am

and no matter what i do, i’m going to get judged constantly and harshly by the people who claim they ‘love’ me and it wouldn’t matter what i do anyway, because i’m not anything special, there’s too many people in the world to make me important, i’m just like everyone else. And it’s a state of mind that i just can’t bare with anymore… i’ve already isolated myself from everyone, and it’s better than having them constantly watching me but it’s still not helping. I can’t stand to look at myself anymore and i just don’t want to have to deal.
I don’t know what to do, it looks like i’m out of options ><
xx
1123 Laurie // Aug 13, 2009 at 10:29 am

First off.. let me tell you my heart is breaking for you. I have been there .. I think we all have. When I was in college I felt as though I was faking it because I wanted to eat but feared it. Then my relationship with parents fell apart.. it took years to regain their trust. but it did happen.

I married & had kids ..and it wasn’t until 3 yrs ago that I had a relapse and almost ended up dying . You are 15 and I know you feel you are being judged by everyone but that is fear on their part not judgement. I used to think that everyone was judging me but realized I was judging myself. I also know how it feels to be so isolated that you feel there is no one that understands but all of us here do understand and you are special !
You are 15 and when these chains that ED has on you are finally broken you will see what a wonderful future you have because it is limitless. I know you don’t see it now but hang in there and don’t give up. The only way you are out of options is if you do give up. Been there many times .. at the end of that rope…but hang on tight ..You can do this ..even if it is minute by minute..

I know I am rambling Teddy ,, but for some reason you hit a cord with me and I have so much to say to you.. maybe you remind me of me when I was your age.
Find someone to connect with even if it isn’t your parents .. just one person to trust .. I dont even know if you have a therapist , they can be a lifeline at times.
I’ll definitely say a prayer that you stay strong!!
Hugs
Laurie
1124 Teddy // Aug 13, 2009 at 10:54 am

Thanks, laurie..
No, i don’t have a therapist… my dad wants me to go to counselling but my mum hates the idea because it may go on school records and stop me from getting into a good university and a good job etcetc. I just feel so numb – about everything. It’s easy to just put on a smile for your ‘friends’ and family every day, and make them believe that you’ve not constantly got crap on your mind and you’re not constantly doubting yourself or questioning why you matter at all or how you could possibly be worth anything when you’ve wrecked everything for more than just yourself. It’s easy to tell everyone you’re fine when you’re not, and it appears i’ve got a good knack for lying seeing as it seems to pass everyone by so easily. Then, even if they do question what’s wrong, or aren’t convinced, it doesn’t make a difference. It just makes it worse to know that they’re curious and to know that they’re desperate to get inside my mind and for me to spill out everything to them that is impossible to put into words. When it comes to that, it just makes me feel even more awful. And what’s worse is that i feel like i hate them now. Everything everyone does irritates me SO much that i’ve come to just constantly put on an act with them and make them believe that i trust them and would tell them anything if i felt the want to. But, really, it’s all just building on more lies, isn’t it? Lies that i’ve promised myself i will not let them find out are lies. I know they think they can’t trust me, and they can’t. I can’t even trust me. My best friend and the only person i ever thought *actually* cared and understood slightly has went and proved my views of her to be the COMPLETE opposite. She’s went round telling people things i’ve told her that are meant to be private and a sworn secrecy, and news spreads fast around here. Maybe she didn’t consider that when she was telling these people that she’s known for only a few months and not expecting me to ever find out it was her, then when i do find out, coming back to me with a ‘sincere’ apology, only to betray my trust in another lovely way over and over and over until we end up fighting at least 20 times in the space of a month or so. Now i feel like i can’t trust anyone and i hope she’s happy about that, because she thinks i’ve forgiven her now, and that everything is forgotten because, once again, i have to deal with putting on an act around everyone who claims they ‘care’ about me. Finding out that everyone who says that have absolutely no intention of proving it and / or must therefore be just lying to your face about it is quite tough. But i don’t even have enough self-respect to pity myself for that, either. Just nothing seems like it’s going to work. Human beings have proven themselves to be quite shit, and i’m no exception. Of course, i know there are many exceptions, like all of you who are doing so well and are so strong, but it’s nothing when you put it against the comparison. I try to hang on, laurie, really. But it’s these people who are so intent on bringing me back down that it just makes me believe that there really isn’t a point to any of it. I need to know that someone understands, otherwise i’m just alone. And as much as i deserve to be alone, i hate feeling like i am. I don’t know what to do anymore.

xx
1125 Nature // Aug 13, 2009 at 12:36 pm

Teddy, you don’t deserve this. At all.

I feel for you so much because I read your post and I can look back at a time where I was like that. I was clinically depressed at one point. It feels so, so awful to constantly berate yourself over small things you do wrong and push yourself even further if you do something successfully, and that success seems so insignificant to us. It’s so draining to your well being when you’re constantly calling yourself pathetic, a whiny bitch, a failure, and all that and telling yourself that you don’t deserve to be better or that you won’t get better; that you deserve to be starved, deserve to feel pain, and deserve to be forever in this state.

The truth is that those things we say to ourselves is not true. It’s hard to believe that it’s not true, but deep down inside, we know it isn’t.

I, too, felt like nobody understood me or that nobody really cared. I didn’t give a damn as to what happened with myself. I don’t want to scare you or anything, but I don’t want you to go through what I did where I chugged down a bottle of pills and got rushed to the ER. When I hit that point, I said to myself, “Wow, I really messed myself up,” and to be honest with you, I did mess myself up. We all fell through the cracks, but you know what? That’s the past. It’s been done, and we can’t do anything to change it. What we can change is our present day and make choices to step towards a brighter future. I’ll be honest with you and tell you that it’s not going to be easy to let go of the past, but it’s a vital step to moving forward.

Teddy, this is your life. Everybody on this planet is always going to have people that won’t support them, but it’s not about them, it’s about you. You’re doing this for yourself.

Right now I know it feels like there is no way out for you, but you have to keep on moving. You only have one life to spend, so you should spend it in a fulfilling way. I still struggle with it, too, but it is possible.

You can always come back to us. We will be here for you. Take good care, and lots of love.

-Nature.
1126 Laurie // Aug 13, 2009 at 1:19 pm

Teddy, I think all of us at one point felt like we were at a breaking point.. maybe more than once and like Nature said.. sometimes we’ve made poor choices. But learn from our mistakes.

I know that you put on that fake smile because it is easier. I wore what I called a “mask” and let everyone see the happy Laurie.. until one day driving to work I pulled over and called my therapist and told him I couldn’t wear it anymore that I wanted off of the ride. I guess you could call it a break down.. he understood what I was saying.

As for a therapist .. your mum shouldn’t be so worried about your school records as she should for your recovery for without that, there might not be a school to be going to . I had to drop out after 2yrs of college. (because of bad choices) and I wasn’t in therapy.

I am sorry you feel betrayed by your friend. Dont give her the power or control to bring you down..keep it for yourself… and let us bring you up because we do “get it”

I can tell you that in time it does get better and the hard days happen less frequently.
Someone once told me that emotions and feelings are like a storm.. they are fierce when you are in the middle of them … but then they pass and the sun comes out.

Once again Teddy ..hang on .. this storm will pass.
Laurie
1127 Tracie // Aug 13, 2009 at 10:21 pm

Hey Girls,
Its been awhile.I have had family in town.My mom visited my family for the first time in 15 years.My mom cried when she saw me ,cause i have actually gained a decent amount of weight.

You know how we are when we gain,and if i hear 1 more person say i look healthy i am going to crack or freak out completley.
Now that my mom is gone i now have my mother in law here.
I wish i could say the visit is going well,but she has made a couple comments on my weight gain.
She told me today i am getting a double chin.:(

I feel like shit,cause i know she is right.
Thats what she said to me after i had my daughter 11 years ago,and in 6 months i dropped over 70lbs.
I am disgusted with the way i look,and needless to say the mother inlaw is validating it.

I’m done eating for awhile.Its no use.I’m lost ,mad,and confused.

Hope you guys are doing better.

Love U all,
Tracie
xxxxx
1128 Tracie // Aug 13, 2009 at 10:26 pm

Doesn’t she realize words do damage?
Are people that STUPID?
I’m so done right now!
I fell like shit i look like shit,and so i’m not eating SHIT!!!!!
1129 saphire // Aug 13, 2009 at 10:40 pm

Tracie,

I can feel your pain because I’ve been there. But you need to know and understand that other people’s comments mean shit. You’re mother in law has never had anorexia. She has no idea what it is like to recover. You should be thanking your stars that you are recovered to the point where you have a somewhat noticeable weight gain. Gosh, Im so proud of you. I was beginning to wonder if you’d come back on here, I was going to call out “tracie where are you” haha. I was worried, but Im so happy to hear you’ve been gaining some weight! Thats the goal here. This is recovery. You don’t want to die do you?
I know you have a daughter. Your daughter needs her mother. Please, if you don’t want to recover for yourself, do it for her. She needs you, she really does. Please live to see her graduate, to see her get married, to see her have her own child. You have the power to see all these beautiful things, the ONLY thing you have to do, is fight and beat anorexia. You need to survive. I know you have it in you.
People’s words do damage and no, not all realize that. But you can be the stronger person. You can stand up to her and when she says something, say, “yes, I am gaining weight because I am choosing to live!”.
Please Tracie, chose to live. Don’t go back there. My heart aches when I think of you, when I think about what you are thinking right at this moment. If I were there, Id hug you and encourage you to fight. Youve had this shit disease for so long, please dont give up your fight. You’re a mother, please live to fulfill that.
Thinking about you, please stay in touch. xoxox
1130 saphire // Aug 13, 2009 at 10:43 pm

So please, go eat something. The ONLY way out of this mess, is to seriously eat your way out of it. And I mean that literally. Don’t fall victim to other peoples words, I know you are stronger and BETTER than them. Believe that. Have something to eat Tracie, I know you are hungry, you are not anything close to looking like shit- only if you don’t eat maybe. So please, ignore negativity and stay positive. BIG hugs, I know you’re a fighter! Give it all you’ve got. Chose to live <3 xoxox
1131 Tracie // Aug 13, 2009 at 10:54 pm

Saphire,
Sometimes i wish it was all so easy,but as i read ur comments all i can do is tear up,and cry.
Isn’t it crazy i wish right now that i was in clinic.

Its awful i feel like food right now is the enemy.
I am seriously thinking about a facelift?

My thoughts right now are all over the place.

I feel like Dorothy in the wizard of oz.
Lost spinning out of control.With strangers faces looking at me!
Maybe i can disappear with the click of my ruby slippers?
1132 aliyah // Aug 14, 2009 at 2:54 am

tracie- everything sapphire said is true. you have come so far now, and you cannot let someones silly comment get u down.
going back, is not going tosolve anything, not eating is not going to solve anything. all its going to do is mess up your metabolism, and spoil all ur hard work.

you do not need a facelift, and you are not fat. you are tracie! and whatever ur mother in law says, u need to brush off, and focus on important things like spending time with ur kids and being their role models.

please eat, and stay strong. healthy and happy

xx
1133 Laurie // Aug 14, 2009 at 5:08 am

Tracie you were the first person I connected with on the site because you had a child and you told me to fight because of that. To this day I think of that .. dancing with my boys at their wedding. Now you need to remind yourself of your own wise word of wisdom.

Your mother in law said some nasty things..I am curious. what was your response? My grandmother always said “if you cant say something nice then don’t say anything at all!!” you might need to remind her of that.

I know words can be powerful and it seems like a re-run to you or a deja vu.. but you have come so far and learned so much. Health wise is another reason you really don’t want to mess with fire. I understand the desire to go back to being thin to think you will be in control , I am having the same thoughts about returning to teaching. BUT what purpose will it serve? will it impact you or your family positively? who will suffer.. surely not your mother in law.. just you and the ones dearest to you.. I am so not trying to give you a guilt trip .. I just want you to see that you are worth much much more than a comment from a woman who obviously is insensitive.

What is your husbands take in all of this? Could he be a “buffer” for you? Maybe speak to his mother? Tell her to take a hike?? oops my thoughts got away from me for a moment..

Honestly I will be thinking and praying for you to have strength during and after her visit!!
Laurie
1134 Teddy // Aug 15, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Sorry, but… can i ask something? A bit off topic? Okay, ahem…
(anyone who doesn’t want to read a rant with strong language from an emotionally unstable teenager, please stop here ^^;; )
WHY THE FUCKING HELL ARE PEOPLE SUCH TWATS!!!!??? I MEAN, REALLY?!!!! WHAT THE HELL MAKES PEOPLE THINK THAT THEY CAN GO AROUND WRECKING PEOPLE’S LIVES BEHIND THEIR BACKS BUT EXPECT THOSE PEOPLE TO BE ALL FINE AND DANDY WITH THEM TO THEIR FACES?!! ESPECIALLY AFTER FOOLING THEM INTO MAKING YOU THINK THEY ACTUALLY *CARED* FOR YOU AND WERE *LISTENING* AND *UNDERSTANDING* ALL THAT YOU WERE TELLING THEM WHEN THEY TRICKED YOU INTO BELIEVEING THAT YOU COULD SPILL A LOT OF YOUR SECRETS OUT TO THEM?!! THEN AFTER TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU *AGAIN*, THEY MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT THEY’RE TRULY SORRY FOR WHAT THEY’VE DONE, AND IT ALL OCCURED BECAUSE OF A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, AS SOON AS YOU START TO RECOVER FROM THE HEARTBREAK THAT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE BETRAYED BY THE ONLY PERSON YOU BELIEVE TO ACTUALLY, SINCERELY CARE FOR YOU, THEN YOU FIND OUT YOU ONLY SUFFERED THAT TO GO INTO ISOLATION FOR WELL OVER TWO MONTHS, AND WHEN YOU FINALLY ARE FORCED TO FORGIVE THEM BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU SEE THEIR FACE OR HEAR THEM, YOU FEEL SICK TO THE POINT YOU WANT TO RIP YOUR HAIR OUT AND GO AND CRY ON THEIR SHOULDER AND BELIEVE THAT NONE OF IT HAPPENED, THEN YOU BEGIN TO FEEL THAT MAYBE IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING… THEN, THEY GO AND DO IT AGAIN *PLUS* MORE!!!!!! I MEAN WTF?!!! ><;;
Teddy xxx
1135 Teddy // Aug 15, 2009 at 2:49 pm

THEN, SOMEHOW, THEY MANAGE TO GET EVERYONE ELSE WHO YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ACTUALLY DEPEND ON IN THE SLIGHTEST TO GO ON THEIR SIDE AND BACK THEM UP BECAUSE THEY’RE OBVIOUSLY WORTH SO MUCH MORE IN EVERYONE’S EYES ><;;
Teddy xxx
1136 aliyah // Aug 16, 2009 at 3:38 am

teddy, ino u are angry and u feel hopeless, and its great u get all these feelings out, u do need somewhere to let and vent all your anger out but really u need to look at th ebigger picture.
you need to take control of your life, and start making things happen. stop controlling your food, and start eating well, you will not get fat, every person on this site has had this thought at some point, and we al know its not true.

you need to find someone to talk to, ino u dont trust most people, but isthere anyone at all? or could you go to the school nurse or your doctor or something? you need care and support just now, and you have to find some.

stay strong, theres a light at the end of every tunnel, and u can get there. i know u can, have faith x
1137 Tracie // Aug 16, 2009 at 9:49 am

I don’t know u guys,but i’m ready to disappear!!!!
Laurie a answer to ur question how i delt w/what she said.I knew i was just getting validation for all i all ready saw:(
1138 Tracie // Aug 16, 2009 at 10:18 am

Why are People such LIARS!!!!
Teddy i know how u feel.I want to go hide under a rock permanatly….
I HATE REFLECTIONS THAT I SEE!!!!!!
ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!!
1139 tiffany // Aug 16, 2009 at 11:33 am

so this morning I just ate 3 french toast, two big bowls of cereal, and some oatmeals. It is just the morning I m scared to see what else i eat today!! Why am I eating SOOO much now. Its been liek this for a month ever since I started eating more. Has this ever happen to any one? When does this crazy eating STOP?
1140 aliyah // Aug 16, 2009 at 12:41 pm

tiffany- a part of recovery is rapid eating, you will get lots of times where u eat loads in one go, and trust me its good! its actually a good sign, because it means ur going the right way, and your body is doing what its supposed to. its making up for all the food you deprived your body of.
It will stop, once your body trusts you, and is satisfied that you have enough nutrition. see food as ur medicine, the more you have just now the better. Give it a few months, your ‘binges’ will stop, and you wont get cravings. but trust me its normal, it happened to me, it happens to everyone in recovery and its just a phase.

dont restrict, let ur body do what it naturally needs to. healthy and happy

xxx
1141 Teddy // Aug 16, 2009 at 12:50 pm

(just a quick one)
aliyah – thank you, you’re always so positive but i don’t know how it can help me right now… things are getting worse and i’m not willing to trust anyone.

tracie – believe me, you’re not the only one who feels like this now ): i don’t know what’s happened with you but it’s shit when things go wrong and you’re in this state >< it just makes you go bad down a bad road but please try not to. i'll try not to if you do and i'm extremely tempted as of late..

tiffany – don't worry… it's an up and down rollercoaster and none of it is straightforward… i've been told that it's very common for it to happen and it happened with me for a short period as well. it's hard but don't forget you're not the only one who's experienced it so please, don't worry

thanks everyone xxx
1142 Teddy // Aug 16, 2009 at 12:57 pm

(just a quick one)
Aliyah – thank you – you’re always so positive and you’re a real inspiration but i just… don’t see how it’s going to help me right now. Things are getting worse by the hour and it’s so hard to not think badly all the time…
Tracie – don’t worry, i can promise you that you’re not the only one feeling like that right now… i don’t know what’s happened with you but when things mess up when you’re in this state then it’s really bad and unfair and i know that you just feel like giving up… but you need to try to not give up, okay? You’re worth so much more, and i’ll try to keep going if you will, we need to support eachother.
Tiffany – no, it’s not uncommon, don’t worry (: i know, it feels awful and uncontrollable when it’s happening… i’ve been told it happens with mostly everyone when they’re in recovery, and this isn’t a straight forward path, it’s definitely like a roller coaster and it won’t last too long (:
Thanks everyone
Sorry about my rants as well, i really hope you all don’t mind me just getting some things out… i’m not looking for attention or advice or anything, really, i just genuinely need someway to get it off my chest ^^;; sorry again
xxx
1143 Laurie // Aug 16, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Tracie,
Are u telling me that because you “feel” that way that it’s ok for someone to speak to you like that? It’s not. You didn’t answer my question by the way (in answering her? )

I myself want to hide under a rock today like everyone else on this blog.. nothing seems to be helping. Distraction, radical acceptance. etc.

Tiffany the very same thing happened to me and it does stop ..I was so afraid I was going to go way down the other side and be huge but in reality I am not. Hang in there..

Tracie I am not a violent person at all ..but if I ever meet your mother in law .. I have learned some assertive skills ..not to mention I am (was)training for my brown belt.. and I wouldn’t be proud of the way I would handle things with her.
Come to think of it … we could do some role playing here… I could be your mother in law and you could tell me how you really feel… and all of the things you should/want to say to her..
I am serious .. tell me off.. etc. I wont be the least offended. It would be my honor. Think about it. It just might enpower you. Just a thought. Hang in there.. don’t give up.
Hugs
Laurie
1144 Nature // Aug 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm

Teddy and Tracie, it’s good to hear from you again, but I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult patch right now, .

What Laurie and Aliyah have said so far is so true. This world is really filled with sick, dirty people, but that’s something we can’t change. I have come across some nasty ones, too. I just told myself that those are the type of people that I don’t respect and don’t need in my life so therefore their opinions are worthless to me. It still does hurt, but changing your mindset/thinking can sometimes do the trick.

Remember, this dark phase is only temporary. I wish you two all the luck this world can offer.

Tiffany, what you’re going through is common. It happened to me to. It is scary, but you just have to keep listening to your body and eat. It will even out eventually, it just takes some time. You’ve done a really good job letting yourself have breakfast. Let’s not take a step backward. I know you can get through this.

The best to you all,

Nature.
1145 Laurie // Aug 17, 2009 at 5:28 am

I find I like looking over this blog in the morning with my morning coffee. It is a boost and reminder that I can get thru another day. That I don’t choose to restrict even though I can’t run or exercise. Because there is alot more to me than that.

I took my boys school shopping and then to the movies and actually had popcorn!! a first for me. Normally I would restrict today ..but no .. I am going to work past the ” puffy feelings in my hands”
I am at weight goal and remind myself that when I was thinner I did not have the same personality that people liked me for. Tough realization.

Hang in there people.
Laurie
1146 aliyah // Aug 17, 2009 at 5:32 am

laurie- u are absolutely right. being at a weight that is healthy for you , was the right decision, and the best one

well done on that popcorn! u deserve the treat, and u do not for any reason have to restrict, so dont let urself. thats just giving in to that stupid voice and u are worth so much more. Your being a gd rolemodel to your children, showing them, how to have a gd relationship with food.

your not a number, your a person

your a true inspiration, all the best x
1147 Laurie // Aug 17, 2009 at 5:38 am

Thanks Aliyah ..but you seem to be the inspiration to all of us here. !! Keep up the good work of giving wonderful words of wisdom to people who really need it.!!
1148 Nature // Aug 17, 2009 at 12:56 pm

Aww Laurie, I am so happy for you! You must have enjoyed the time you spent with your boys without a stupid ED’ed voice going through your head. Must have been fun, !

And it is SO true that we have different personalities when we’re stuck with something awful like an ED. I was more irritable, grumpy, depressed, and everything yeuck.

It’s my birthday today, and I’m officially 16, hahaha. I feel really young compared to all of you. My family and I went to my birthday dinner yesterday, and it was yummm, . We had Greek food, and I got full before I could finish it all, but it was yummm. Lol, I’ve said yumm like twice now. However, I had cheesecake for dessert, .

I, too, check this blog in the morning with a cup ‘o coffee, . ‘Tis going to be a good day. Enjoy the rest of your summer, everyone!

Lots of love,

Nature.
1149 aliyah // Aug 17, 2009 at 1:17 pm

nature- happy birthday
think of this age, 16, as a new start for you without ana, no holding back, no deprivation, just treating ur body with respect and giving it the foodit needs and when itneeds it.

Youve come so far, no more ana ever
lifes to short, to lose any of it to a voice.

xx
1150 Nature // Aug 17, 2009 at 8:44 pm

Aww, thanks Aliyah.

I really should look at it as a new starting point. No more EDs, no more depression, no more anxiety, lol. I’ll try my best to keep going forward. I feel more at peace recently, I suppose. I just have to take things day by day, and keep thinking positively.
1151 megan // Aug 23, 2009 at 7:15 pm

hey girls,
How r u all doing? How is ana? Ugh I feel like I am still plunging back and forth between ana & bulima. All summer I have been trying to let Ana gain some control as I feel really fat after gaining 25 lbs over winter… So I did manage to loose about 5-10 lbs this summer but it still flactuates. Btw is it normal to flactuate 10 lbs in a week!?? :S I know it doesnt sound 2 healthy. And just recently I feel like I am converting to bulima as I am really super stressed with college comming up this week so I’ve been eating anything and everything!! Ugh! Sometimes 2 the point where I feel sooo full I am gonna burst. But my body crazily manages to stay around the same weight. I am just worried I will gain like 20 lbs from all this stressful eating. Anyone who can relate?? :S
1152 Tracie // Aug 23, 2009 at 9:35 pm

Hi Megan,and all the Girls,

Well i feel like u could play checkers on my ass!!
I am so completley disgusted on the way i look.
Sometimes i wish i was back to being skinny.
I know that sounds bad,but i feel as though i had more control then,and now i am out of control.

So YES Megan i know what u feel.
I am embarrassed to even go out in public,and now that winter is approaching that is always FUN!!
1153 aliyah // Aug 24, 2009 at 3:27 am

megan- I canrelate, i used to be the same. I used to go thru bulimia periods, then anorexia, and uno what megan? i got sooo sick of it, i hated it! i felt awful, my weight flunctuated and i hated how i felt and looked.
U need to learn to find another way to deal with ur stres, without using these controlling methods. U cant afford to mess up ur body. everyones body has a weight, an ideal weight, and it always strives to get to it.By starving and bingeing, your body becomes confused, and your going to mess up your metabolism so much.
What u need is some routine, in the way u eat. so make sure for example every single day no matter how u feel, u must eat 3 meals and two snacks. And if u feel like eating more thats fine, go for it. ifur body is hungry, IT NEEDS FUEL and ENERGY.
Food is ur medicine. Its quite normal for weight to flunctuate by about 10 pounds, if ur usingmethods like controlling ur food too much, and eating way too much one day, or way to little the next day. when u get routine in ue eating patterns, it wont flunctuate as much. weight will always always flunctuate though, thats just natural.

I know you are strong enough to fight any eating disorder. You are not a number, you are a person! and you cannot affford to let your life be ruined, ur body be damaged by such an awful disease.
Lastly, I get stressed to very easily. and i had to find other ways of dealing with it. its too easy to go and use food. But now, i write down my thoughts and feelings, I talk to others, iwriting on the forum, and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. for example if u think ‘ im so stressed, everyones going to think im so fat and horrible, so i must eat less’ think ‘ im going back to college, and im going to meet so many people, i dont want an eating disorder to ruin my experiences, I want to be able to go out and eat with them .

all the best! x
1154 aliyah // Aug 24, 2009 at 3:31 am

tracie- You are not horrible! you are an inspirational, wonderful amazing woman, who helps so many people on this site. you have a family, that adores you.
You cannot let an eating disorder run this for you;being skinny doesnt mean anything, it will give u nothing. if u went and controlled again, you would feel miserable, tired, cold, and still feel fat!
Theres only one way to not feel fat, and its not thru control and ana. Its thru accepting your body and youself for who u are and what it is.

You are not a number tracie, embrace ur feminine body! woman are not supposed to be skinny sticks, theyre supposed to have a little curves, and feminine look.

stay posiitve trace, we are all here for support
1155 Tracie // Aug 24, 2009 at 10:29 am

Hi Girls,
Laurie i guess i didn’t answer her.I stayed quiet,and said nothing.
Nature how am i suppose to embrace my feminine body when i don’t feel feminine?

I am thankful she is gone,and back in the bay area.
I left a couple sayings on my facebook about what happened,and she actually called me “asking what did i say”.Inlaw.
I told her if u don’t know just drop it.
Did i handle it wrong?
1156 Giegi // Aug 26, 2009 at 12:05 am

Hello! I just want to tell everybody that there is a cance for everybody to get well! I had anorexia for over four years. I got sick when i was twelwe and there the hell started. I spent most of those years in a hospital with no sins of getting better, i just was getting sicker and sicker. It was like a nightmare. it took over my hole life. Im sure you all no what its like. anyway bit over a year ago, i was near deth my weight was 24 kg and my high was 164 cm, i tought nobody could help me, I would just be stuck in this nightmare for my hole life or then i would die soon. I was so scared. Then we diseded i should go to this clinic in finland, we where living in autralia, im half finnish and half australian. so i went there. at first it was really hard, i did not want to eat but some hour i i did, i just made my self do it, i kept on sasyn it was the only way out of this, i had to commit to the tretment, thats the only way i could start my life again, get to start dancing and all the other things i loved doing. So i kept doing what i was so poused to do, kept talking with my nurse, who was prilliant, i kept talking about my feelings even thou it was hard. everyday i was proooving. I was in that clinic for over a year. There where a lot of ups and downs, but most of me tratment was going really well, i just really wanted to get well, so i bushed my self no mater how hard it was. Im so greatful for the clinic, they saved me. I weihg 50 kg and im 166 cm and im at home, going to scool, doing acting clases and i started dancing, im quit well and happy, shour i do have hard days, but most all im happy that i got over an illness like that and got my life back. so girls anyone can do it and it is worth it! It will be hard but you will be so much happyer without anorexia or any other eating desoder!
1157 lisa // Aug 28, 2009 at 3:06 pm

Hi all. Just found this wesite. its nice to know other people don’t think i’m weird coz believe me no one else understands. do u find that? I’m now 31 with 2 children. I think about my weight every day altho i’m not like i used to be. I became anorexic at 16 . I’m 5’9” and my weight went down to 5st 9lb. I now weigh 9st 4lb but feel fat. I know i’ve had 2 kids but i can’t seem to get myself to realise i’m older and have had kids. It scares me to put on weight and i weigh myself every day. I just want some support please coz i keep wanting to starve but stop myself for my babies sake
1158 Tracie // Aug 28, 2009 at 4:34 pm

Hi Lisa,
Welcome this is a great support group.
I too are on the older side of Ana.I am struggling
right now due too a gaining wieght,and not being happy being a The CORRECT SIZE.As we all hear.
I turned 40 yrs just this previous July.
I have been in recovering from Ana for about 3 yrs now.

I was diagnosed with her in 2003,and hospitalized.
I too enjoyed starving myselk,and fight the urge everyday.
The young ladies on this site are wonderful.We are honestly like a group of sisters.Its wonderful!

If u have any questions please feel free to ask.
I am very open,and honest.

Until we speak again…….

Friends ForEver & ForEver Connected

Trace
xxxxx
1159 Nature // Aug 28, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Tracie, I think if it would have caused more problems if you answered her questions, etc, you did the right thing in choosing to dropping it. Nobody wants additional stress!

People who’ve never been through this don’t understand/has only limited understanding. My own father called me a pig for taking some time to pick blackberries from the prickly bushes. Hell, if only he knew how many calories 5 blackberries had!!! And I’ve received other comments from him as well. You just have to try to tell yourself that they don’t understand, and you can’t control what they say either way. I myself am having a hard time right now, but I know that everyone on here can get through this! We are very, very strong people.

Lisa, nice to meet you. I’m a 16 year old girl, and got anorexia back when I was 14. I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling after many years of living free from it. However, you have come really, really far and you have achieved so much!

Your children needs you and wants you. I’m sure you want to be there for them, too. I’m sure you know that anorexia only takes away from you, and it will slowly kill you. You want to see your children grow up and become strong, caring, and nice people. They need you to show them how. You’ve been through so much, and you can teach them valuable things in life. With anorexia you can’t do this. You can do this. You’ve beat it before, you can beat it again!
1160 aliyah // Aug 29, 2009 at 3:24 am

Lisa- well done for not giving in, and finding the strenght to do this for your children. I can imagine how hard its been for you, conquering anorexia, regaining weight and now you have the thoughts again.
One of the best things you can do is, use your children to motivate you, you are their role model and the last thing you want is your children to have unhealthy relations with food, so eat well, healthy, and enjoy the food. Food is the medicine, its the friend, not the enemy.
You should stop weighing urself everyday, its obsessive, and I used to, but i got so obsessed with it, I had to stop. Your weight is going to fluntuate a little every day , its natural, so dont think of it as weight gain or weight loss. its just a natural flunctuation.

Im sure if you think back to your time of anorexia, when you wer at your lowest weight. You werent happy then. You were probably cold, sad, obsessed with food and im sure u worried all your friends and family.
You do not want to go thru that again, you were strong enough to regain back your weight, and with that you gained so much in life, a family, beautiful children, and now you should look to a happy posiitve future with your children. If you went back to ana, you could jeprodise all that.

Throw away ur scales. Eat well. You are not defined by a number, women arent meant to be stick thin, it doesnt look nice. We are supposed to have some curves and some shape to our bodies.
Embrace it, you are beauitful, dont let ana take anything away from you. Be positive!

x
1161 aliyah // Aug 29, 2009 at 3:26 am

nature- keep fighting . Just like lise said, if you have a tiny appetite just now, high cals food is the way to go, things u like. Ice cream, chcolate, nuts etc.
This phase will pass, but at this time, dont slip into any ana behaviours.

stay positive
1162 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:37 am

hi everyone (:
you all okay? sorry it’s been a while – we went on a mini getaway around england for a few days XD ah.. but we did an awful lot of walking… like, i’d say about at least 6 miles a day :S ‘cuz we basically had to walk everywhere we went, and we were walking all day every day. Umm.. i found out when i got home i’ve lost almost half a stone :S and i felt reeeeaaaalllllyyyy good about it ><;; any advice, anyone? \: i feel just sooooooo huge it’s unreal !
Teddy xxxxxxx
1163 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:38 am

(ugh, it’s cutting my post into little sections for some reason xD)

and i kinda still do \: and i don’t know what to do because i want this to carry on SO much it’s unbelievable, it feels like losing weight is the air i breathe atm ><;; any advice, anyone? \: i feel just sooooooo huge it’s unreal !
Teddy xxxxxxx
1164 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:39 am

omg it’s just repeated the same thing!! D: wth? it won’t let me post my whole post! xD
oh wellz, it’ll work eventually :’)
xxxxx
1165 Tracie // Aug 31, 2009 at 8:23 am

Hi Teddy,
I am probably not the one to try and give u advice cuz i feel the same way u do.
I long to be skinny again,but i can’t say that to no one,cause they all will over react.
I have started limiting,but i see no difference.

Hang in there girl.We’ll come through this!!!
1166 aliyah // Aug 31, 2009 at 11:54 am

teddy- You say u lost weight, yet u feel fat.
Thats ana thoughts. Remember when i spoke to u, and u said u wuldnt let urself get to a stage where u need to be hospitalized, and clearly, your going to keep going down and down.

Youll end up, causing so much irrevisable damage to your body, and ruining your young life.
As you deprive ur body more and more, the anan thoughts gets stronger. Only a nourished mind, can think clearly, and know whats the right thing to do, and that is to eat.
Losing weight, what do u get from it, except a sense of control? Nothing, i bet you dont like how u look, i bet u dont feel good about urself. So if thats the case , im sure u can see this is not what u shud be doing to ur body.

You can eat and not be fat.
my advice to you, is mechanical eating, just eating at certain times of the day every day, even though u may not be hungry, because thats how ur metabolism will get faster, and its how you will gurantee your body food.

Feelings are not facts, and u are not a number.. I hope u can be strong enough, to fight the voice and eat. Regain your life back. Th emotivation u put into not eating, channel it to eating, swap it over.
Anorexia is slow suicide.
dont let it kill you , cause inside your bod y is suffering.
1167 aliyah // Aug 31, 2009 at 11:57 am

tracie- I know u want to look skinny, but u gain nothing from it.
You are a real woman, and real women arenot meant to be sticks.
You are a role model for your children, and for us on this site, and we love you for who u really are, nt who a voice things u shud be.

Embrace ur body, the parts u like, treat urself to nice clothes, and stuff like getting ur hair done. Itll give u a confidence boost.dont restrict, u will only give in to a stupid voice. You have NOTHING to gain through restricting, except confusing ur body and messing up ur metabolism.

You are not a number, you are a person

x
1168 Tracie // Aug 31, 2009 at 12:34 pm

Alli,
I know and ur right.It is just so hard looking in the mirror lately.Why do i let things what my in-law affect me sooooo much?

Megan left for school,and i am sure she will do great with Ana.
If you had 3 wishes what would they be?

For myself:
1. Be able to meet eveyone on this sight face to face:)
2.Not to have body imagine distortion.
3.Be happy with myself inside and out.

Tell me what all of urs would be if u want?

Trace
xxxxxxxx
1169 Tracie // Aug 31, 2009 at 12:46 pm

Hey Girls,
Lets play a game.
15 things u may not know about me:

1.recovering Anorexic(Duh!!!)
2.i am allergic to all protien.(PKU)
3.there are 11 girls ,and 1 boy in my family.
4.my favorite food is fruit.(anykind)
5.love to do laundry.(crazy huh?)
6.my daughter comes first in my life,then hubby,then me!
7.i love rainy days.
8.i stink at cooking.(lol)
9.my favorite holiday is holloween.(chocolate baby!)
10.i have tried 1 illegal drug.(straight edge now)
11.my daughter got me to quite smoking 2 years ago.(thanks Gabby)
12.i live in Asotin Wa.
13.born in the UK.
14.i love everything about the supernatural.
15.i am 40 years old,but feel 20..LOL

Anyone else want to try?
Its kinda theraputic…lol
1170 aliyah // Aug 31, 2009 at 12:57 pm

tracie i think the reason u let ur in laws opinions affect u so much is because u have low self esteem and you take her opinions to heart.
Atthe end of the day, she does not know what she is talkin about, and its very insenitive and horrible.
But thats one persons comment, so many otehr people think differently. I also think, ana strikes hard when it hears comments from your inlaw, it knows thats a weak spot for you, so whatever she says, wil make u feel a lot worse than it shud.

Ur wishes are lovely, thanks for sharing them I wud love to meet u too, but i am thinking of you. My opinion of you is that u are a fantastic, beautiful woman, and u dont deserve ana in ur life,u deserve to enjoy food and live a happy life. SO next time ur inlaw says something, think of what i think of you ok?

Eat well, eat the foods u like the taste of. Dont mess up ur body, its the only body u have, and it has to last u till u die. You know u can fight it.

My wishes-
1.Have a successful, happy future, get through uni and into a job I like
2. a cure for anorexia- recovery is tough, n if there was a magic way to cure it, i wish it was possible and easily available.
3. Not sure but i think all my loved ones, have a happy and nice future, no bad accidents or money problems.
1171 aliyah // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:05 pm

haha ok y not.
15 things…

1. Im extremely short
2. Im really young looking, so even though im 19, people usually think im 15
3. I love green tea
4. I have a bf of over 2 and a half years
5. I live in scotland- glasgow
6. I work for 2 charities
7. I love miilk chcolate- i cud eat a whole huge bar to myself
8.my fave food is chciken- I cud eat it everyday, and not get bored of it
9.I loove reading
10. I dont see myself as anorexic- i see myself as a recovering one, who now LOVES food
11.I only recently learned how to use a washing machine
12. I love everything- im really unorganised
13. I can drive and have my own car
14. Im not a girly girl- not into make up, hair styles, talkin about celebs etc
15. I have tiny feet- i hate shoe shoopping because of them!

x
1172 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:05 pm

that 15 things is such a good idea, tracie – i’ll have a go!
okay… here goes…
1173 Laurie // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:32 pm

Ok Tracie .. this is a great idea..
1. my first would be for you to have a thick enough skin to withstand your inlaws comments.
2.I have 2 teenage boys who are my very much my hearts!
3. I am afraid to be seen as anything as but athletic.
4. I was always afraid to grow up and never thought of myself in the “adult club” even though I am in my 40′s
5. I don’t like going outside my “box” but am learning that it gets smaller when you don’t.
6. Bermuda is my favorite place to go .. my “happy place”
7. Washing and waxing my car is my favorite chore to do.. ( I know .it happens when you have a family with 3 sisters!)
8.I am a coffee snob.
9. I am such a morning person.. my boys call me “cranky pants” if I am up past 10pm.
10. I live 15 minutes from the beginning of the Boston Marathon (Hopkinton Ma) my town is Mendon.
11.I have a tattoo of the “Life is good” Runner on my ankle ..(a girl of course) didnt get it until 2 yrs ago after I have been running for 22yrs.
12. I am allergic to gluten almonds and hazelnuts
13. my friends and sons have been more supportive than my husband.
14. I am an artist as a side job and draw peoples houses for gifts.
15. my birthday is the day after christmas , for you English that is Boxing day ..I believe.
1174 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:40 pm

1.i have one older brother (10) and a younger brother (17)
2.my ears are shaped like elf ears with a point at the tip xD
3.i’m double jointed in my legs and can do the splits and put both legs behind my neck at the same time :’)
4.i have done ballet since the age of 2, and i’m now 15 (: and i LOVE it!
5.i’ve had my natural brown hair, then dirty blonde, then peroxide blonde, and now brown/black hair in the past year and a half, and while i’ve had all those colours, a LOT of people have said to me that my face looks a lot like luna lovegood’s from the 6th harry potter movie xD
6.i’ve never actually met in person the one who is the most important being alive to me – but i don’t care AT ALL, it doesn’t mean we can’t be the closest people to eachother that either of us have (:
7.my favourite foods are jelly and fruit (: but mosty fruit xD and my weakness is ice cream (i LOVELOVELOVE very cold food) (:
8.i’ve fell in love with the new movie – Coraline (maybe you’ve seen it ) and i think i’m the only one i know who’s actually intrigued and amazed by it because of my overly-active imagination xD
9.i would rather live in a cold country than a hot one (: (that means i’d also rather have rain and snow than sun )
10.my little brother has ADHD
11.my favourite colour is actually grey! it’s a lovely colour ^^
12.i love being underwater.. in the sea, a private pool – i just love the feeling of floating (:
13.i was born in Liverpool, but do not have a liverpudlian accent WHAT-SO-EVER XD (actually, i sound quite posh :’) )
14.my favourite songs at this current moment are eyesore by maria mena, courage by superchick, our farewell by within temptation, breathe no more by evanescence, hit that by the offspring, stricken by disturbed, forgiven and jillian by within temptation.. but my favourite songs change every few days xD
15.i am 15, and my birthday is the 10th of august. That makes me one of the youngest in my school year (:
16.i LOVE Christmas
17.i would love to become a writer/actress if possible and achieve something that’ll help make the world a better place (:
18.i love drawing and i’ve been told i’m a good drawer and i would love to post some drawings to you all sometime ^^ has anyone got deviantart?
19. i’m 5”8 and weigh 8 stone 6 – my lowest weight was 6 stone.
20. i always have a vase of white roses in my bedroom (:

(i added an extra five xD) xxxxxxxxxx
1175 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Mehhh, guys i went to a festival today and i’ve only had an apple all day Dx
But i’m really not hungry can anyone give any wise words or positive thinking at all? >< i’m in a right mood and rage with my friends and family and schoolwork atm \:
xxxxxxxxxx
1176 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Oooo!! There’s some more i want to add
21. i’m a vegetarian
22. i’ve never had a boyfriend or been kissed – which i don’t mind, and people say it’s fine ‘cuz i’m still young, but the fact most girls in my school have kinda makes me feel conscience about it :S
23. i HATE small spaces
24. i’d say my most often worn clothes item is chiffon type dresses (:
25. i love the smell of coffee but HATE the taste xD
26. I JUST FOUND OUT I GOT AN A* FOR MY ENGLISH GCSE!!!!!!!! =DDD
1177 aliyah // Aug 31, 2009 at 2:01 pm

teddy- was nice to learn about you :):)

Well done on your A
Tht is your motivation to eat- you deserve a present for doing so well, and i think u shud have somthing nice and cold that u said u like

An apple is nothing, go on, get a smile onur face ad go eat sum tasty food! Its your medicine, dont starve urself xx
1178 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 2:05 pm

Thanks aliyah ^^
But i don’t even know whether we’ve got any ‘treat’ kinda food in our house atm xD apart from crisps… but i HATE crisps \:
Mum needs to go shopping :’) but thanks ^^ i’m made up because it’ll help with the whole writing career xD
How’s your day been? sorry, i’m just in some mood for nice conversation right now ^^;;
xxxxxxxx
1179 aliyah // Aug 31, 2009 at 2:10 pm

teddy- Excellent, see a future is being created in front of you- a writing careere. Dont let ana take it away, u need to be strong, and most of all u need ur brain working, so get that food in you ok?!

Its a shame u have no treats but eat smthing- anything, dinner, toast, cereal, anything. Your body needs food.

My day has been good, i just got bak today froma music festival in leeds- shattered now. Lots of drinking and music haha. My msn is not workin just now,or else id chat to you on it.

please try to eat a bit tonight and eat more than just an apple 2moro. Your posts have been really positive today, so keep that up, and stay happy

x
1180 Teddy // Aug 31, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Haha, sounds like all the festivals have been on today xD
Sorry i’ve taken to long to reply – i was getting into this movie on tv and i had some cheese on crackers (:
I know, i’m just really anxious about school coming back up, though Dx for a few reasons, but some i don’t really want to post on the internet :S if you all think it’s safe though, i trust you all and i will… it’s okay, i know how it is to have a dodgy msn xD
You still okay to chat? (: i’m not keeping you from anything i hope, i am? ^^;;
xxxxxxx
1181 Tracie // Aug 31, 2009 at 3:25 pm

Okay i have a couple more FACTS about me:

16. i am terrified of water.
17. haven’t worn a swimsuit in 14 yrs.
18.i have never worn a dress (except wedding)
19.i am so pale in color an albino person looks darker than i do.lol
20.oh my entire family is scared of spiders (hubby too)soooo i kill all bugs in home.
21.i am part russian,german,english.(so yes i am a mutt)lol

Trace xxxxx
1182 Nature // Aug 31, 2009 at 4:21 pm

Oh boy, I’ve missed the fun with listing facts and such!

My Three Wishes

1. Recover from my problems: depression, eating disorder, anxiety, etc.
2. Find self acceptance, love, happiness, and peace (love myself, have a happy future with my boyfriend, strengthen family relationships, etc).
3. Last but not least, for every person on this entire planet who suffers from mental illnesses to recover, even for a brief moment, if not, forever!

Facts About Me (Oh dear.)

1. I am European/Aboriginal/Japanese. Woohoo.
2. I was born in Japan and lived there for twelve years.
3. I look very young as well.
4. I have a boyfriend who I’ve known for nearly three years, and I love him to death. Probably the same time span that Aliyah has known hers, hehe.
5. I don’t have much of a relationship with my family members.
6. I have brown hair and brown eyes.
7. I’m just barely 5’3″, hahaha.
8. I’m at a healthy weight.
9. I try my best every day to eat well.
10. I feel guilty that one of my friends started to copy my eating habits + felt self conscious about her weight.
11. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well.
12. I have horrible self esteem.
13. I feel guilty that I am cold towards people that I am close with at times due to my mood.
14. I am a grammar and spelling freak.
15. I love literature.
16. I wish I had the courage to let go of the past.
17. I love nature.
18. I’ve learned to not give up on myself.
1183 aliyah // Sep 1, 2009 at 2:13 am

teddy- Glad u had the cheese and crackers. Sorry i took so long to reply, i ended up turnin offmy laptop n watching telly.
Yeah festival season nearly over now, i had to go to firs aid there haha, cause i had too much alcohol. it was a gd laugh though.
How r u today? Eat more than yday, just eat a little more each day if that is easier for you

tracie- your such an interesting person! The fact thing was really good. But uno wat , it highlights so many things about you, that are not physical. How u look isnt important, how u are and how u feel, and how u live ur life is. Never give up on urself , you are stronger than ana

x
1184 Nature // Sep 1, 2009 at 10:03 am

Hey everyone.

Tracie, the fact game was really fun, and it is interesting to read everybody’s. What Aliyah said is so true, there is SO much more to an emotional side of a person than the physical! Emotional is so much more important! You are a great person, and your daughter + husband loves you. Never, ever give up!

Teddy, if you want to post something up, but don’t want it to be seen by the World Wide Web (lol) you can always contact us by email or msn.

My address is: ef_112@hotmail.com or fluffy235_181elf@hotmail.com

Either one is fine, but I go on the fluffy one for msn. Hope to hear from you soon, and keep up the good effort hun.
1185 Teddy // Sep 5, 2009 at 5:22 pm

Omgggg >>;; that means nothing with gluten or wheat… and that means no bread, pasta, biscuits, cake of any sort, pastry, cereal.. basically, a LOT of things. So what ever, guess school’s gonna be a blast, just staying in the corner being silent as usual while everyone else goes off with their ‘normal’ lives and attitudes. God why do i have to be the way i am? ><;; i’m losing hope in reality.
xxx
1186 Teddy // Sep 5, 2009 at 5:25 pm

(ignore that last post, it doesn’t send the whole post properly \:.. )
Omgggg >< so i have no one. That’s it, i didn’t even do anything wrong – not for her to do that out of nowhere. Nothing that no one’s done themself, either! Can anyone tell me if it’s a crime to put your mood on your facebook status? \: cuz, in doing that, i just got picked out on by the last person i had a bit of hope in, and now she’s gone too :’D wtf is with people? It must be just me.
1187 Teddy // Sep 5, 2009 at 5:26 pm

OMG IT’S NOT SENDING THE WHOLE POST ><;;;
1188 Teddy // Sep 5, 2009 at 5:29 pm

guys, it’s official – all my friends have abandoned me and i don’t have a freaking clue why ><;; i’d already lost one of my two best friends because she broke promises and betrayed trust for no reason and now has decided she has a new group of friends that she can go off to, and things were patchy with my other best friend (my last hope) anyway. Now, she’s went and sided with her along with the rest of the world
1189 Teddy // Sep 5, 2009 at 5:30 pm

And i have to go on a celiac diet for 2 weeks at the least now ‘cuz i’m suffering from the symptoms of being celiac >>;; that means nothing with gluten or wheat… and that means no bread, pasta, biscuits, cake of any sort, pastry, cereal.. basically, a LOT of things. So what ever, guess school’s gonna be a blast, just staying in the corner being silent as usual while everyone else goes off with their ‘normal’ lives and attitudes. God why do i have to be the way i am? ><;; i’m losing hope in reality.
xxx
1190 Teddy // Sep 5, 2009 at 5:31 pm

sorry, i had to send it in bit by bit >>;; that’s the whole post, i suppose.. but it didn’t let me send it in al at once so it’s not in the right order, i’m afraid :’) i think you can all pick up on what i’m saying, anyway..
1191 Laurie // Sep 5, 2009 at 7:38 pm

Teddy,
I am sorry to hear that you are showing signs of celiac .. I myself have a gluten intolerance and it isn’t easy. My eating disorder has messed up my system to the point that I have IBS and had my GalBladder out . I tried to ignore it for so long, telling the nutritionist that I was fine. Why was I ok before and had this now? But ED can trigger alot of problems/trama in your system.
I know it is hard and reality is difficult. However if you can improvise with an eating disorder you can improvise with celiac disease.
I am not sure where you live but there are Whoe f0od stores and organic stores that sell lots of Gluten free stuff.
Good Luck
Laurie
1192 megan // Sep 5, 2009 at 10:01 pm

hey everyone!
How are u all doing? Well, I am all moved into college atm. But I’ve been finding it sooo hard & stressful! I also don’t know how 2 describe my eating now. Like I am cooking all crap now none of moms homemade nice meals. I really miss that! Lol. And my eating routines have been out of wack 2. I am bouncing between ana and bulima. I find I don’t eat as much as I used 2 when it comes to meals. But than at night I sit in my room and just bingee on all my junk food! I’m really freaking out that I’ll gain a wack of weight! I haven’t binged in such a long time 2. I’m really worried! I think it’s stress? And I’m eating smaller meals. I just hope my body will stablize all these calories. I don’t wanna look like a cow! Anyone go through the same thing when stressed?
1193 aliyah // Sep 6, 2009 at 4:06 am

teddy- sorry to hear lifeis tough on you just now.
Being a celiac does not mean the end of the world, my aunt has it, and she still enjoys food and eat the same things as everyone. Just buy wheat free food, – wheat free pasta, bread, rye bread etc. Its actually tasty and you can still have a healthy balanced diet with it, so dont give in!

As for your friends i know it must be hard , and u feel abonidded sad and lonely, but only you can change things.
Remember how hppy uwere when u got ur grades and ur a in english and u said u cud look foward in life, and see a career. Thats what u need to focus on, that is what u have in life, and u can make it everything u want to be, have a sicessfull career and comfortable life.
Think of that, and how ull make new friends in life as u move on.
If u say goodbye to an ed, u say goodbye to a lot of things, like sad feelings, bad relations and obsessions with food.
Look past that now, and see that is something more out there in life.
Ill try to come on msn one day soon, and chat to u properly. until then eat well, and try to be positive.

xx
1194 aliyah // Sep 6, 2009 at 4:12 am

megan- hi there. Ana and bulimia mess up your metablism so much, your weight is going to flunctuate so much and ur moods will suffer.
I know first hand what thats like and its horrible.
Student life is hard but what u need to do is get a balance and a little routine.
Have a good big breakfast everyday- porridge, cereal, toast etc, which will kick start ur metabolism. Take snacks with u to eat during the day, nuts, sum sweets, then always have lunch- and a hearty dinner.
If u make sure u do that every single day, ur metabolism will speed up, and u dotn gain weight in unstaural ways. With bulimia specially, ur weight can increase very fast, but also decrease very fast, and for ur bodythats detrimental and can cause a lotof damage,
If aat night, u still feel very much like sncackin and haveing a little binge go for it! In college times, it is stressful, and i personally, always snack quite a lot at night, and trust me u wont gain cause of it.

Are u at a heatlthy weight just now?

im ure ur missinf ur mums meals,and student meals can be quite plain and simple but try to vary it as much as u can, ready mmeals, and u can always buy like nice pastas and pizzas and stuff from supermarkets.
At a stressful time like this ur body needs good food and plenty of it.
If u go on the way u are, ull regret it, i promise u that. Live student life like u shud!
Oh and go out and socialise when u can, bars and stuff, its good fun, and itll take ur mind of food

alll the best x
1195 megan // Sep 7, 2009 at 9:50 am

Aliyah,
thanks 4 ur support girl. I always know where 2 turn 2 when times r tough. Ugh idk I just feel sooo confused. Like one minute I am ana the next I am over eating… I find it really hard! But I think once I start into a routine I will eat a little better. It’s only the beg. and it’s just really stressful atm. So I am hoping I will get better! thx again! xoxo
1196 aliyah // Sep 7, 2009 at 12:34 pm

Routine will really help, trying to have three meals a day with a couple of snacks.
Just remember that variations in the amount u eat is natural, and no one is supposed to eat the exact same amoutn every day.
Recoverry is about learning to eat normally, and that is hard, and it is hard to learn to listen to ur body and learn its signals but take it one step at a time, and dont deprive urself of anything.

depriving ur body, willl make it more hungry and then when u do actually go to eat, ull end up eating a lot more, so conistent meals and snackin will help without a doubt.

good luck x
1197 megan // Sep 7, 2009 at 8:56 pm

Aliyah,
thx sooo much again girl! I just feel soo out of control I’ve been eating tonss at night like out of control eating I don’t even listen 2 see if my body is hungry or not I just binge! I hope 2 get in routine soon?
1198 aliyah // Sep 8, 2009 at 3:15 am

megan- its ok . You need to start to establish a little routine, so whatever time u read this, eat the meal for that time, wheter its dinner breakkie or lunch, and have a good decent size. sometimes we tend to binge if we dnt eat enough during the day or the day before etc, and since u may restrict some days ur body all of a sudden wants to catch up on it.
so eat 3 meals a day and2 or 3 snacks, bertween the meals, one before sleep and u shud aim for saumthing filling like a glass of milk and a banana and a slice of toast.
Nature posted something about normal eating once, and it said that normal eating includes eating just because u feel like it, so sometimes u mite fancy something, just eat it! Thats part of establishing a normal relationship with food.

Ino its hard to read ur bodies signals, but if u keep a routine, maybe some mechanical eating, im sure the binges will lessen and ull feel better. moods will stabalise, and u wnt feel so out of control.
But binges are normal in recovery, and usually for a stage, a lot of bingeing is done , a few times a week, maybe nearly every nite, but its a stage that passes, and it is in addition to normal eating during the day.
So the key is to eat regulry and often, and eat well.
and drink lots of water, sometimes if u feel hungry its just thirst,

ull be fine , taeit one step at a time it mite help to write down a little routine for ur body, so u have somethine to follow everyday

xxx
1199 megan // Sep 9, 2009 at 4:00 pm

Aliyah,
Well, I think for the most part it was just “stress” and I needed 2 deal with it in my own way through binging on junk food yuckyy! But I think I am starting 2 slowly get back in routine! And my friends know about my ED so their always checking on me which is nice to have. At least I know they care. But I really hope college won’t bring Ana back…
I’m gonna try 2 get in a good routine once things start getting in shape agian. Lol. It;s all still new 2 me! thanks again though! xoxo
1200 aliyah // Sep 10, 2009 at 3:08 am

a bit of junk food is alwyays good though!
its good u hav ur friends there for support, and yes it takes a little time to establish routine. your doing really well though

ur aware of how stress canbring ana behaviours back,and as long as u no that, u can fight not to let urself ease into them.it will only make college harder, ur brain and body needs food at this time!

xx
1201 Teddy // Sep 10, 2009 at 11:32 am

Hi everyone (:
just wanted to drop in and say hi.. thanks to aliyah and nature so much for speaking to me, i really appreciate it, and i know i’m difficult to speak to, and i’m stubborn and i’m very sorry for that, and the negativity i bring to everyone ^ ^;; actually… i was very proud with myself the other day. My parents were out for the night, and left tea up to us. Now, so far in the day i’d only had a bit of rice, and that’s it \: and my brothers were gonna order pizza (as they always do when mum’s not around to cook for them xD) and i could do whatever i wanted… in fact, if i wanted to, i could have had nothing at all. But, i decided not to i had soup – which, for me (considering the fact i had the choice to restrict), was very good ^^
but, uhmm.. ya’see, i was on youtube yesterday watching this ballet dancer/gymnast. I think she was in the Olympics one year.. i can’t remember which xD but yeah, she was sooo thin ><
How is everyone else doing? \:
Love you all xxxxxx
1202 Teddy // Sep 10, 2009 at 11:34 am

i felt awful when i looked in the mirror after watching her dance ): i’ve danced for 12 years now, but she’s an inspiration. I feel like i would be sooo much better if i was like her ><
1203 megan // Sep 10, 2009 at 12:19 pm

Aliyah,
Hehe ya I always binge once and a while on junk… It’s just I am afraid that once I get into the habbit I won’t stop!! And it seems ever since college started I am snacking more & more. I like never do that!! :S So I am just confused! But I want 2 make sure I don’t go back 2 my old behaviours cause I know how I feel and I can’t pass out when I am covering a news story! My job needs loadss of energy!! My friends r sooo helpful, same with my parents, but the college life is hard there is like not enough time 2 make a decent “homemade” meal! sighs,…
1204 aliyah // Sep 10, 2009 at 2:00 pm

megan ino how tuff it can be. just try ur best, if u feel the need to binge just do it, but make sure its not cause ur depriving urself. sometimes its just a stage u go thru, and itll pass.

and like u said, u cant pass out on ur job, and whilst ur working, u need ahealthy strong body to get u thru so look after it and dont give in to ana behaviours

u can still buy good food, mite not be as good as home, but supermarkets all have good and healthy ready meals and what not so do a bitof shopping and buy some tasty things

xx
1205 aliyah // Sep 10, 2009 at 2:02 pm

teddy- ur welcome for the help and advice. ino the way u are is ana talking and i used to be the exact same as u.
well done on having the soup! soup is tasty and good for you, so yeah u defo made the right choice

Proud of you.
Dont comapre urself to others though, being skinny doesnt gurantee happiness. U saiduve lost weight, yet u still feel the same, maybe worse so dont let ana fool u

xx
1206 Laurie // Sep 10, 2009 at 3:38 pm

can anyone tell me when does your weight levels off after you have put on the “required” weight and hit goal weight?.. I have surpassed it and am beginning to worry. For some reason I am craving the junk foods and now that I cant exercise I feel even worse. I am thinking it is the beginning of another bad phase that won’t stop.
I have started teaching back at school and am very self conscious as none of my “goal weight” clothes fit. I miss the days of baggy pants and loose fitting clothes and resortng back to self destructive behaviors to cope. Have I come full circle? Will this nightmare ever end?
Laurie
1207 saphire // Sep 10, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Hi Laurie,
Yes, it does end. This is coming from someone who surpassed that stage. I went through exactly what you are going thru- the binging, the craving junk food and I was went to actually being too lazy to work out all the time because my body finally had enough! I gained about 30 pounds over my ideal weight. This was noticed in April and I can tell you now, in Sept, I no longer crave junk foods and feel the need to binge on whatever. I am also losing the excess weight and my body is changing shape to what its supposed to be. So yes. A recovering anorexic NEEDS to go thru this stage to get better- its fact, ive talked to doctors and am going thru it. So keep doing what you’re doing and don’t worry about it, it will stop Be proud of yourself, this is a huge accomplishment. Much love xx
1208 Nature // Sep 10, 2009 at 7:11 pm

Teddy, you’re always welcome to come talk to us. Sorry that my time zone is so different and that I couldn’t reply to you when you left some messages! I was at school, lols.

But keep on going, you’re doing very well! Don’t give up now, all right?

Laurie, like Saphire said, it’s not unusual for people to go through that. It’s different for everybody, and I gained weight really fast, like 12 pounds in 3-4 weeks to reach my healthy weight, and it has now stabilized. I’ve been at my healthy weight for about 3 months now, and yeah, sometimes I worry that I’m going to get fat, but each time I go to clinic (every two weeks now) my weight is always about the same, some days lighter, some days heavier.

It’s hard, but the best thing to do would be to trust your body. Keep on going, you’ve come a long way!
1209 Nature // Sep 10, 2009 at 7:19 pm

Sorry Aliyah, I’m having difficulty posting on the other message board!

Ugh, I know the feeling, and it just makes me feel so terrible, you know? It works as a kick ass motivator, though, haha. I’m going to try my best to eat well because I don’t like seeing my hunny sad/frustrated in the inside.

Today the alarm clock ran out of batteries so yet again I couldn’t have breakfast!!! It’s like I’m cursed, >..<.

I have curry cooking for my dinner, and I looooveeee curry, haha. Going to do my best, ^^.
1210 aliyah // Sep 11, 2009 at 3:17 am

nature- aww thats gd try ur best! and do take something to snack on or eat later like a big cereal bar.
enjoy your currry

Laurie- everything sapphire said its so true, it will come to an end. its just another phase of recovery and you will come out of it. Itllbe worth it. stay strong and be proud of urself xx
1211 Nature // Sep 11, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Oh wow, I got my period back, but it was at school. I never thought I’d be THIS glad to have it!Even though it’s still a bit funky if you get what I mean… I think that it’s just my body breaking up the old lining and stuff, so it doesn’t seem like there’s too much blood. Sorry if I’m too descriptive, lol.

But yeah, it finally came, .
1212 aliyah // Sep 11, 2009 at 2:25 pm

WELL DONEE

so happy for you!
1213 Nature // Sep 11, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Thanks Aliyah!

Now I just hope to have a more “normal” one after this one is over, and to keep having it monthly!
1214 aliyah // Sep 11, 2009 at 2:51 pm

np

Ur so luck to have it, keep up the good work and eating, and aim for that brekkie!

xxx
1215 Nature // Sep 11, 2009 at 5:22 pm

Hehe, I hope I do continuously have it, but I won’t be surprised if it goes away again, >.<. It probably will take time to regulate, lol.
1216 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 15, 2009 at 8:11 am

Erhh, hiaa
I dont really know what to say on this, im used to the opposite kind of websites i suppose.
I dont think i have an eating disorder, i can control it, it doesnt control me but im sick of everyone saying i do. Im as fat as fat can get!
Ive supposidly had bulimia for 4 years, and after my mam found out she made me go see a therapist. She didnt do anything. I was comming home crying all the time cos she just made everything worse, and basically made me sick even more.
But now im deciding to get better.
Please will someone help me, i dont know where to start, all i see if a fat greedy cow “/
.xxxx
1217 Tracie // Sep 15, 2009 at 8:43 am

Hi Emilie,
Welcome to our little FAMILY.
What u will find on this site is ALL of us have the same feelings as you.I am 40 yrs old,and i am still in recovery mode.
Sweetie this is just the beginning of the rest of ur recovery.
I’ve gone through it all.Between Hospitals,theraphy(Still in),and foremost my reconnection with food.
I am at a healthy weight,but i too can stand the reflection in the mirror.
We will not judge,but be loving ,and kind,but also give to u straight from the heart.
This is a great group of young ladies,and we all consider us our own set of sisters.

So when ever you feel comfortable just let it roll.
I am here to help in any way possible.

Friends ForEver & ForEver Connected,
Trace:)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
1218 Tracie // Sep 15, 2009 at 8:50 am

Hi Girls,
Okay so i am still struggling,but trying to face it head on.
I am gradually starting to work out too.
What scares me are the winter months.
Ya know confort,and warm meals.

BTW Nature i spoke with my mom-in-law,and told her what she said to me,and she didn’t even realise she said that.
I told her i needed to tell her so i can move on.
Thats when i new i am not over Ana.
Now it seems as though everyone in the world is staring me up ,and down.
I HATE that feeling.
I play with my chin alot,and think i need a chin lift.
Lord help me over come my fears.

Talk to u all later…

Friends ForeEver & ForEver Connected,
Trace
xxxxxxx
1219 Tracie // Sep 15, 2009 at 8:51 am

OMG i forgot Congrats Megan on starting a new year in College,and on ur own.
Showem’ how its done Girlie:)

I am soooooo proud of u!!!!!!
Love,
Trace
xxxxxxxx
1220 aliyah // Sep 15, 2009 at 9:19 am

Emilie- Hiya, well done for taking a step in the right direction. I know how hard it is.
Ive had bulimia and anorexia for over 6 years so i know exactly how u feel, and i also can assure u recovery is the best thing u will ever do. you dont have to live the way you are, there is an ed free life, and its better , not obsessed with food and feeling miserable all the time.

The first place to start is, your weight. are u under or overweight? then to stop any purging or bingeing or any ed behaviours, as best u can. they are holding you back.
can u see the doctor and get a dietician? if u can i wud reccomend it, itll help to know exactly how much u shud eat.
eating regularly, and healthily will help u be at a healthy ideal weight.
if u have any close family or friends u can trust and get support from, tell them how u feel.
Lastly, i think u shud write down, on paper, exactly what bulimia has taken away from you, for example, its made u throw up, sad, affected relartions etc. then write down what u will gainf rom recovery- a healthy relationship with food, any obsessiveness disapearing.

you can do this, and wer all here to help.
My email addy is alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com if u EVER need anything, or just some reassurance.

xx
1221 aliyah // Sep 15, 2009 at 9:22 am

tracie- push any negative comments away this is your lifw, u shud be happy and not have worried thoughts about food and ana.
healthy and happy i sthe way to be, and u shud not deprive ur body of anything ever.
u dont need to change anything on ur body, embrace and accept who u are- a wonderful person, and we all love you for who u really are.
Image isnt everything, in fact its hardy anything.
Winter can be scary, but warm comforting meals is lovely, and it doesnt mean ur going to get fat! not at all. in fact all the good hearty nutrisous food is good for you, andgood for your mind

xx
1222 Tracie // Sep 15, 2009 at 10:11 am

Hi Ali,
I know ur right.I still have to tell myself that “I can do this”.
I will do my best this winter.
Last week of summer so lets enjoy it.Yea!
Ali ur the best.Thank u for ur encouragement.I all ways need it.
I wonder if i will ever be ANA FREE????

Love,
Trace
xxxxx
1223 aliyah // Sep 15, 2009 at 10:44 am

trace- of course u will! if u want rid of it, u cant let it into ur life, and let it dictate what u eat ever.
you can do this, stay motivated and remember ur not a number, u are so much more, and u have so much in life, u cnt let ana take anything away from you!
fixng ur body or restricting will not make u any happier, itll just make u obsessive, and even more unhappy.

ur welcomeeeee, beat ana

xx
1224 morgan // Sep 15, 2009 at 9:42 pm

im 14. im 4’9″ and i weigh 80 pounds.
i dont eat breatfast, lunch, and i hardly eat dinner.
i dont eat when im hungry.
i get light headed.
and get stomach pains alot.
all day everyday i have a headache and a stomach ache.
im obsessed with my weight.
what should i do?
1225 Tracie // Sep 15, 2009 at 10:09 pm

Hi Morgan,
Welcome to our little home here.
I know exactly how you feel.
I starved myself for over 10 years.
Sweetie can i ask if u have parent support?
You need to see a Doctor for how u are currently feeling.
The damage that WE all do to our bodies is unbelieveable.
I can speak for myself: I started with heart problems,hospitalized in a mental ward for over 6 weeks,siezures,headaches(those are the worst 4 me)dizziness,and blackouts.

Do u mind if i ask where you live at?
I can get you some information where u live at.
Please feel free to e-mail me too
tsykes@cableone.net.

Remember you ARE NOT ALONE!!!
We are all sisters,and we have a special bond.
The girls are wonderful here.
Please feel free to ask me any questions i am very open.

Friends ForEver & ForEver Connected,
Trace
xxxxxxxx
1226 aliyah // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:28 am

morgan- hi there. im sure ur sick of how u feel, and look and where ur life is heading. and u can change it, everyone on this site knows how u feel and at one point has felt like u. u are not alone.
i myself had anorexia and bulimia for over 6 years and i got myself through recovery, and im at a better place. recovery doesnt mean gaining weight, its about regaining weight u lost, and gaining back ur life!

like tracie said, u shud probably go to a doctor, and use any support u have, family frends… and eat. foood is ur medicine, so start small, and gradually increase. u wont get fat, i promise u

xx
1227 Laurie // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:40 am

Tracie,
I am so happy you told your mother in law how you felt. That took a lot of courage. I feel the same as you that sometimes I will never get over Ana.. but look at how far you have come. Even though being at goal weight is still a head game ..at least it is a healthier one.
I understand that it is hard at times to convince ourselves of that when we look in the mirror. But it is nice to know that I am not alone with these feelings.

Today will be the first cool day..so I will be wearing pants to work/school ..yikes. I have a feeling they’re not going to fit.

Laurie
1228 Amy // Sep 16, 2009 at 7:20 am

I hate tying on clothes now:( I used to love shopping. Now id rther stay in y pjs all day whis not like me at all:( ALl my clothes feel uncomfortable and make me feel so fat. I at an ideal weight now but I don’t like it at all. I also hate looking in the mirror. wonder if I will ever be happy with the way I look again.:(
1229 Amy // Sep 16, 2009 at 7:24 am

Oops a lot of typing mistakes sorry!:O
*trying
*my
*which
*All
*Im
lol sorry!!
1230 aliyah // Sep 16, 2009 at 9:34 am

amy- stick with it. its not easy to accept u are ba bit bigger than before and that ur body has changed but its a very good thing, for ur health and future. if ur stick thin and miserable , all clothes look horrible n baggy.
I think u shud go shoppin and buy clothes that fit u properly, and throw away anything that is too tight or whatever and be positive.

where u are just now, is a better place to be trust me

xxx
1231 amy // Sep 16, 2009 at 11:26 am

Thanks Aliyah. Did u have to get new clothes as well? I think I will go 2moro and get new clothes altho it’l b hard. Ive got a nite out 2moro nite and realy dnt wana go cus I dnt like the way I look but im gna try and make myself go anyway.xx
1232 aliyah // Sep 16, 2009 at 11:29 am

hi amy, yes i had to buy new clothes. my body changed, andits natural and normal and expected in recovery, and to be honest a healthy body really does look better!
at least u wnt look ill and hungry so be proud of urself.
Throw away the old clothes, and throw away the old u. u shud defo go out n get new stuff , and buy stuff that makes u feel better about urself.
hope u enjoy the night out, it;ll be a gd confidence boost and another chance to get used to ur body and embrace it!

your doing brill, just stick at it, and maintain ur weight

xx
1233 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 16, 2009 at 12:53 pm

hiaa thanks, i know i need to get better, but i dont know if i want to. its like someday, all im focused on is changing who i am, and not thinking about being fat or ugly, but then other days, the thought of even smelling food terrifies me. im not sure im ready yet.
they said im underweight but i dont think i am :/
and no, my mam and dad think im better, well they did and even if they didnt, i couldnt talk to them anyway. they all hate me, im not good enough for them :/
and im not going back to the doctors. they dont have a clue. i hate them all.
.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
1234 aliyah // Sep 16, 2009 at 1:02 pm

emilie- hi there. whatu experince, the wanting ti get better some days then others feeling the opposite is normal, and you need to be extremely strong n choose to get better.
its for ur future, anorexia is slow suicide, without an ed ur life wil be so much better.

heres a site that highlights a lotof the health risks-
http://www.psychiatric-disorders.com/articles/eating-disorders/bulimia/bulimia-health-effects.php

having a healthy balance, will giveu energy and it wont make u fat.
bulimia messes up ur metabolism, and it really messes with ur hormones, which will affect ur mood.

u shud begin by eating 3 meals with snacks everyday, and not giving into a voice.

xx
1235 morgan // Sep 16, 2009 at 3:46 pm

tracie- hii. my parents dont know i dont like eating.
i had it all the time. they notice i dont eat but i lie and say im not hungry or had a big lunch or ate at a friends house.
i used to get straight a’s till i started eating less and now i get c’s and d’s.
i do wanna go to the doctor because maybe they can help but im nervous to go and i dont have the heart to tell my mom im starving myself.
i live in phoenix arizona.
1236 morgan // Sep 16, 2009 at 3:53 pm

i meant hide it all the time.
1237 Tracie // Sep 16, 2009 at 5:11 pm

Hi Morgan,
I do the exact same thing with my body.
Or if i do chew i’ll excuse myself from the table,and go spit it out in the toilette.
There is an Awesome Facility called Remuda Ranch West.Its located in Arizona.
Look it up online,and just take a look through.

My parents didn’t know until i went to visit them in Ca.That was in 2003.
The thing u want to be able to do is admit to urself that u need help,and i can’t do this anymore.SweetHeart you are slowly killing urself.I know all the feelings.Out of control,or even too incontrol.Hiding from the outside world.Saying that you have eaten to all of your family,when really you had nothing but maybe a bite.
Morgan you are soooooo much more then a number,reflection,or Ana.
Start off small with yogurt,applesauce,pudding.
Anything that would be easy to swallow.
You can do this.You are not alone!!!!
When you tell your parents they will probably be angry,but not with you.There going to say “How did i not see this”.
That is exactly what my Husband said.

We are all here for you Day or night.
Hang in there,and BE STRONG!!!!
Don’t let that evil Bitch (ANA)get ahold of you ,and feel guilty.
WE LOVE YOU SWEETIE!!!!!!

Friends ForEver & ForEver Connected.

Trace
xxxxxx
1238 morgan // Sep 16, 2009 at 9:16 pm

tracie,
i dont know exactly what to tell my parents.
i dont wanna make them feel like they screwed up.
i only eat when im around them.
and when i eat around them i hardly eat at all.
im just scared there gonna find out a hard way.
thank you so much for your support.
1239 Tracie // Sep 16, 2009 at 9:42 pm

Hi Megan,
I know exactly what u are saying.My Mom blamed herself,same with my hubby,but you need to let them know that its not something they can control.Only You(WE) can.
When you start group theraphy ,they do Family as well.Where your mom will be taught that its not her fault.
When i would go home on weekend passes my Mother-Inlaw would put me on 24 hour watch like the Hospital did,and i told her”If i wanna get rid of what i just ate believe me i will”.

I actually had to start with baby food at 34 years old,and reconnect with food.
It took me along time,but only WE can control it,and that is what i needed to stress to my family.
Unfortunatly my Dad passed away before i was recovered weight wise.
When he went ill we made a promise to one another that We both together will gain weight.
He was losing alot of weight,and that is when it kinda clicked in my head that it could be me saying that to my daughter.
Sweetie your mom wants to see you live a full,and happy life.I bet in away she already senses there’s an issue.

When i told my husband these werre my eact words”Baby i can’t do this anymore.I have eating anything for over 8 years,and i need help.
He got angry,and i asked him why are you so mad?He said i’m not mad at you ,but that i didn’t see it sooner.
I told him there is nothing you could have done anyways.I’m in control of what goes into my body.I cried,and said “I’m 35 yrs old,and wear a size 16 in girls.I’m gonna die if i don’t get help.

That is when i went inpatient.That was 4 years ago.
So Sweetie it can be done,and you are STRONG ENOUGH,and i am here as well as all the girls.
WE can get through this together.As Sisters do!!

Love ya sweetie,and don’t give up!!!!
Have a little yogurt(favorite flavor).:)

Trace
xxxxxxxx
1240 Tracie // Sep 16, 2009 at 9:44 pm

Sorry Morgan i put Megan 1 of the other girls.
But Its for you MORGAN!!!!

PS
I talk to Megan alot so i tend to have her on my mind especially now she is in College.
YO GO GIRLIE!!!!!!!!
1241 Amy // Sep 17, 2009 at 2:11 am

Hey thanks Aliyah. Il try n hav a gud nite. How u getting on at uni?

My parents blame themselves as well:( I don’t eant them 2 but they say its their fault:( But it is not. Its my own fault.xx
1242 aliyah // Sep 17, 2009 at 2:34 am

morgan tracie is right.ino u dnt want to tell ur parents, but believe me, they have an idea somehting rong. it was the same with my mum n dad, i lied, n hid an dmade exuses, but they catch on, they know when something is not right with their child. andlike u said ur grades are slipping, and theyre going to notice weight loss. they mite be too afraid to say anything to u just now, since u have exuses for everything, but if u talk n tell them, even jus one parent, they will be glad inside ucame to them.
yes they may blame themselves, and say i shuda known and done something about it, ANY parent wud think that. but if u make a doc appt, they will tell ur parents how to help, and that its not their fault at all.
u need to be selfish, and focus on urself, and ur recovery, otherwise ur going to lead urself into an early grave.

the first steps are hardest but u have the power to do it.

when u talk to ur parents, u just need to say something like, i have an issue with food just now, and i want to go to a doctor for help. im finding it hard to eat, and its dominating me, and affecting my grades and my health . etc/

good luck, and i know u will do it. its the right hting to do, the support of ur parets will get u far

good luck, and wer all here to help!

oh and like tracie said, eat some food, start off small, but the more u get ur body used to food, the better it will be, ans easier.
just like a small banana, some yoghurt, or some kind of energy drink . just get some food into ur body!

xx
1243 aliyah // Sep 17, 2009 at 2:43 am

amy- its natural for parents to blame themseleves, and i think a small part always might be like i shud have done something. my parents wer like that, but over time, as they saw me gettin better, they knew that it wasnt all their fault, and that it was really my choice to not eat or whatever. and to be honest it made me who i am today, so i wuldnt go bak n change anything!
dont worry too much about ur parents, they need time to accept the new you too, and u just focus on recovery and behin happy with urself!

and enjoy that nite out.

i go bak to uni on monday, so soon. found out i hav mainly 9am starts so long tiring days for me. i need lots of energy to keep me going haha.

xx
1244 Amy // Sep 17, 2009 at 3:46 am

I start at 9 everyday too! 9 til 5!!I think im going to ask my dietician to give me a weight maintaining diet thing cus I don’t want to keep gaining weight. Im still taking forticream yet im an ideal weight. They havnt taken me off it yet.xx
1245 aliyah // Sep 17, 2009 at 3:54 am

thats a long day ! mines are like 9 to 2. but i know im gna get so much work, an di still have to get my lab and tutorial times so yeah itll probs be as long as urs.

u wont keep gaining, ur body is not programmed to do that, or else everyone in the world wud be overweight, and while many are , so many people arent, cause ur body a set point it wants to maintain where ur body works most efficiently. and any timeu go above or below it, the body fights hard to bring u back to it.

yeah u shud maybe get a meal plan if u think itll help, but ull see ur weight stays pretty stable, and that u can eat whenever u feel hungry. just listen to ur body, when u feel hungyr eat, and when u fancy a wee something, have it.

ull be fine, dont worry about it too much, life is not about contstantly worrying about food and body.

xxx
1246 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 17, 2009 at 8:15 am

but why should i get better. i dont understand why yous would want to feel fat every single day. how can that make you happy?
im trying 3 meals today. i had an little orange for my breakfast, which made me feel completly sick. but i forced myself to have a salad or dinner which i ate most of then an apple. but my mam is doing noodles for tea, and i know i wont be able to keep it down. or i will, then ill feel bad so ill eat loads and be sick then.
nothing will ever work for me!
.xxxxxxxxxxx
1247 Tracie // Sep 17, 2009 at 8:46 am

Emilie,
Sweetie you have everything to live for.
You have your entire life ahead of you.
What WE deal with is a type of split personality.
Ana is OUR evil voice inside telling you that you don’t deserve to eat,look pretty,and feel healthy.
All of us feel that way,and now i want you think of the little girl inside you starving for your Attention,and nurishment.

I often tell my Dr that if there was someone at home with me during the day they would have me commited,cause i have to talk my way through eating almost daily.
But i know if i don’t i wont survive.

Sweetie you are the worlds future,and i know I want you around.
Take it day by day minute by minute if necessary.
DON’T GIVE UP!!!!

Love Ya,
Trace
xxxxxx
1248 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 17, 2009 at 9:44 am

yeh but im not being nasty or anything, but id rather not eat then have to talk to myself after every bite.
and about the worlds my future. yeh, i might get good grades but its never good enough for my parents so whys it going to be good enough for uni or whatever?
i dont know weather i even want to get better. a few days ago i was all set on it, and i kinda still am but its all too hard. i remember the first time. i pretended to be better and that was hard enough, so whys the real thing going to be any different?
.xxxxx
1249 Tracie // Sep 17, 2009 at 10:11 am

Because Emilie you are doing it for YOU!!!!
Not ur mom or dad or even friends for that matter.
You are under ALOT of PRESSURE,and that is not fair to YOU.
You are only human.Have you ever thought about going to talk with someone about how you feel ,and what all ur thoughts are?
Don’t you want to stop hurting?Honestly the stress you are putting on ur body is going to affect you.(Internally)
I deal with alot of health problems daily from decisions i made hastly.You deserve to live a happy fulfilling life,and to share your life with someone you care about.
Screw ur parents!DO IT ONLY 4 U.
WE can help u with alot of feelings.Don’t u want to help urself?

I’m here for u babygirl WE ARE ALL HERE 4 U.

Love Ya,
Trace
xxxxxx

Just think about it K!!!!!!
1250 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 17, 2009 at 10:23 am

i dont want to see a doctor
last time, it just made everything worse and i refuse to go through all that again.
and im not hurting inside, im fine. plus, like all of yous will of been forced to see a doctor proably, but they thought i was better so they let me go so i wont even have anything wrong with me
and even if i did, where would i start. im not seeing a doctor. i wouldnt know what to eat, what to do, how to feel, how to act, everything, its just to hard and im confused.
help me please
.xxxxx
1251 aliyah // Sep 17, 2009 at 1:42 pm

emilie- i felt exactly like u did.
the feeling of feeling fat goes away, for example i used to feel fat when i was at my lowest weight, n now at a healthy weight, id ont feel fat! thats because my mind is healthuer and better, and i enjoy life, and going out n eating and socialising, instead of being miserable.

if u want to get better, u will. u have a lot to live for, anorexia is very obsessive, and if u want to not think about food and what everyones eating all the time u have to fight the voice.

u need to eat a lot more n to u it may seem pointless, but its so important.

is there anyone u can g to for help? there are clinics and places where u can get a lot of support. or u cud read recovery books and see what recovery involves.
but basically, ur leading urself to an early grave if u dont get better, and eventually ull be fed thru a tube in a hospital and u will regret that u didnt decide to get better. also know any damage u have done to ur body, has a better chance of bein reversed. the longer u leave it, the worse it wil be and harder it will be.

i used to have bulimia and it made me feel horrible inside and i felt so out of control u can take control and get better. ur mind will be clearer and u can live ur life agen without obsession. the negative feelings will go eventually.
but u have to deciude for urself, why do u want to get better, what do u have to live for, and then weigh it up against why u wud want to keep having an eating disorder.

well all help you, be positive
1252 Nature // Sep 17, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Hey everybody, and welcome to all the new beautiful people I see here, ^^.

I’m Nature, and I’ve suffered from a number of mental illnesses including anorexia for a number of years. You’ll find everybody very supportive here.

Amy, I can relate to you so much. My old clothes still do fit, but they’re tighter so I have to buy new clothes, too. Remember, it’s not the size you are that matters. You are a beautiful person on the inside, and that is all that’s needed.

Morgan, I am so proud of you because you realized that you had a problem. Hunny, I’m not going to lie, your parents will hurt when you tell them, but it’s going to hurt them even more if they find you lying in your bed one morning… without a breath. Imagine how they’ll feel when the doctors tell them you died because of malnutrition. An ED will kill you if you keep letting it control you.

I know it’s very hard to tell your parents. You don’t even have to tell them vocally. What I did was write a letter. You are so fortunate to have parents that care about you. They will hurt, but they will be there for you in recovery. Keep strong.

Emilie, I can totally relate to you on that parent aspect. My parents have their own issues, and we don’t have a relationship either. However, like Tracie said, this is about you. You do this for you.

As you go on in recovery, you won’t feel fat anymore. You live each day at your healthy weight and you accept yourself for who you are, and I can assure you, it’s amazing to be free. Aliyah has come very, very far. I still have some ways to go, but I’m trying every day.

Pretending is different from the real thing. Pretending is make belief. That’s why it is hard; because it’s not real. The real thing is soo worth the recovery, I promise.

Finding the right clinic/therapist can be difficult, but you are confused right now as you said. They will help you. They will tell you what you need to do to get better. They are there for you. Keep on going. You have so much ahead of you.

Best wishes to all of you & lots of love,

Nature.
1253 morgan // Sep 17, 2009 at 8:52 pm

im afraid my parents aren’t gonna believe me.
or there gonna say im fine.
or something along those lines because they dont wanna believe somethings wrong.
when ever i eat i feel good, than like 2 minutes later i feel likes its all gonnna come up and i get horrible stomach pains.
ill be sitting in class and all of a sudden my stomach starts growling super loud and it doesnt stop and people around can hear it.
i tell my mom i think im fat alot. she gets mad and tells me im not fat at all.
kids at school tell me im so skinny.
i get suprised faces when people find out i wear a 10 in pants, in kids.
its because im short.
i wanna be skinnier, but i dont know how to lose the weight and still be healthy.
im afraid im gonna end up super sick.
and i dont want my parents to have to go through that.
but i cant stop not eating.
its like grown to a habit now.
1254 aliyahh // Sep 18, 2009 at 2:50 am

morgan- u needto have a word with ur parents, u may feel they wnt takeit seriously, but u have to try, and then u MUST make a doctors appt.
Losing weight doesnt do anything, it will just make uf eel fatter the more weight u lose.
There is way out, and u can eat, behealthy and live ur life, and that is the recovery path.

its hard to break habits, but it can be done. if u dont, ur body is really going to suffer and u dont want that,
the more ur body gets used to food the better, and the feelings of sickness will go away.
the best thing to do is, eat small meals very rehularly, at least something every 4 hours. this will help ur stomach get used to the food,and increase ur metabolism.

if u dont do something, and keep losing weight, ur body will start to eat itsself and cause ireevirsable damage.
dont do this to urself

x
1255 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 18, 2009 at 8:25 am

why does everybody keep telling me to go to a clinic. i know yous are trying to help and you are. really you are loads. but i dont just want to be another statistic. another freak who needs to be sick to have control. i can do this on my own (well with yous as well) but i dont need anyone else.
im trying to eat normally today. i was off school cos of me knee then i had a hospital appoitment so i had some cereal for breakfast. then i felt horrible and ate a cornetto, biscuits, chocolate moose and cereal bar. i felt disgusting so i threw it all up. see, i cant do this!
my mam didnt make me any dinner so its just tea i have to get through :/
last night, i didnt have to have anything and i was soo happy. so proud and i dont want that feeling to go.
plus, i have to decide what college im going to and n what course but idk what to do and my mam was shouting at me cos i only liked 2 things. but i dont see the point in doing maths or whatever when i hate it. i will only fail!
.xxxxxxx
1256 Tracie // Sep 18, 2009 at 10:14 am

Emilie,
The reason WE keep telling u to go to a clinic is that you need to know what is going on with ur body.The feelings you have when eating,and the pains you feel after.
Your stomache hurts cause you have deprived ur body of food.So when you eat the food is traveling through ur body like it needs to.
When i had that problem incare they gave me Flexril(Muscle Relaxer).It took that tummy ache away.
Also Love you need to sit and feel what is going on with ur body.Erosion in ur throat from vommiting is only the beginning.
Oxygen to ur braining is lacking.So there is limited concentration.Your heart has to work extra hard to get blood pumping through your body.Bones in ur body become brittle and break easy.These are all things that go on,and more when Ana is in ur life,but there is HOPE!!!!

You need to get fedup with feeling this way,and NOT welcome her.
She is that voice in ur head saying” u don’t need any food today!”You don’t deserve to be happy.”

You need to block her (Ana) from ur head.
Get rid of Ana.WE can help u,but only you can put the food in your mouth,and take that step.

WE LOVE YOU SWEETIE!!!!!

DON”T GIVE UP!!!!!
Trace
xxxxxxxxx
1257 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:08 am

thanks :/
i know that your right but i dont want you to be. its all to much. it just feels like ive done everything wrong in my life and im a failure and why should i be happy anyway?
i really dont want to go to a clinic. id rather never get better than go to one of them.
my mam and dad are getting a takeaway but i really couldnt eat that so i said i would have a toastie.
me mam made me ham and cheese and i managed to eat nearly all of it without hiding it away. i took it to my room though, it seemed to hard infront of them. its weird cos like even though they dont know im trying to get better, i feel like there always watching me.
but now, im upstairs and i feel so fat and ugly and disgusting. you dont know how much i need to be sick and how horrible i feel. my belly looks ughhhh and i just want it to end.
.xxxxx
1258 Tracie // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:26 am

K Keep it in ur tummy,and get out of ur room,and away from the bathroom.

Take your hand put it on your tummy,and rub counter clock wise.It will help with digesting faster.You can do this!!!!!

I still have to rub my tummy,and it still works.
Also some gingerale will settle ur tummy as well.

You are NOT FAT,NOT DISGUSTING!!!!
That is Ana telling you that.Don’t let that BITCH TAKE CONTROL!!!!
Go walk around ur house ,and gradually get digesting started.If you are able to last 1 hour you’ve done it.
It takes 60 minutes to digest food.
I can walk you through every meal,and help u with the process so ur not alone.
Just let me know the next time ur gonna eat,and i SWEAR as God as my maker i will be there for you!!!!
Like i said WE are all in this together!!!!

Love Ya,
Trace
xxxxxxxx
1259 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:31 am

i cant do it. i know i wont be able to keep it down
im going to try not to be sick though. im literally shaking. i think its the thought of knowing im goingt to get really fat and i cant get rid of it
and i hate gingerale!
do you have msn or facebook or anything?
.xxxxxx
1260 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:46 am

MORGAN
you live where bella from twilight used to live. sorry i was reading the messages abouve.
thats soo cool its like one of my favourite films haha
:):):):):):):)
.xxx
1261 Tracie // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:51 am

I am on facebook.Just put in Tracie frew Sykes,and you will get me.

You CAN DO IT!
Just go minute by minute until the hour is up.
Go for a walk.Talk to yourself saying I CAN DO THIS.Your not going to get fat by eating.
You need that food fuel just to keep u going from day to day.
I’m not a fan of gingerale either.So i don’t blame you.Anything with carbonation will help settle ur tummy.
I know the EXACT feelings your having,and it is hard,BUT you CAN DO IT!!!
I promise once you see you can make it that hour
You will be so proud of yourself.
If your afraid of gaining to fast not possible.
I wasn’t gaining at all and taking in 4800 calories inpatient.
Cereal,yogurts,fruit,salads.These foods are great to start with and get ur body use to eating again.

Get ahold of me on face book,and you will actually see a pic at one of my low weights,but not lowest.

REMEMBER YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
I am here every step of the way just like all the girls.

Love Ya,
Trace
xxxxxx
1262 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:55 am

thanks
ive come downstairs with me mam but i dunno
i feel a little better, trying to take me mind off it but it just hurts so much
but will you not say anything on wall to wall or whatever about ED cos nobody on my facebook apart from a few knows. and i cant let anyone find out
.xxxxxxxxx
1263 aliyah // Sep 18, 2009 at 12:18 pm

emilie- ive read all ur posts on this, and i used to be the exact same as ui used to hide food, n throw up and take laxatuves, and i did it for years.
and uno what? i got that feeling of control and i loved it, but at the same time, i knew this was wrong, and it wasnt right to do this, and my metabolism was so messed up, and i wud one week gain weight, one week lose it, and so on and so on. its a vicious cycle.

ok so ui dont want to go to a clinic, and thats fair enuff. i never went to one, and i got over anorexia and bulimia, but it takes EXTREME motivativation and willpower.
u have to want to do it, u said ur choosingf colleges and stuff just now, and believe me, bulimia will make student life harder for u, ur going to want to be able to go out and enjoy socialising not obsessing over food.
also, with bulimia ur metabolism and hormones really are messed up, u probaby have moodwings.

if u want to do this alone, we will all help you, but u need to learn to break old habits and challenge urself.
u ar enot a failure, u can do anything u want, and achieve whatever u want in life, if u have the motivation u can do it, really the mind is very strong.

u shud try to keep ur food down, thats the first step. u wont get fat, and when u purge, most of the calories are absoprbed by the body straight away, so whenever u throw up, u dont get rid of all of it, however it puts ur body in a starvation mode, and sometimes, any food it gets it will turn it into fat and this is a reason why weight can change easily on bulimia.
to get past this,u must eat all 3 meals, start small, and u shud write down a meal plan, n follow it everyday. and after each meal, stay downstairs, dont go hiding or to the toilet or whatever, and do something like read or listen to music and take ur mind off it.

food is ur medicine.

good luck

xx
1264 aliyah // Sep 18, 2009 at 12:20 pm

p.s. have a look around this ite.
u can get a lot of extra support here

http://www.bulimiahelp.org/
1265 Nature // Sep 18, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Morgan and Emilie, what Tracie and Aliyah have said are so true.

I know the feeling of control feels good, but it is only temporary. This is a disease that will kill you in the end.

Like Tracie said, the only person who can put food into your body is you. I go to a clinic every other week now, and I admit, they put guidelines out and such around meals but the work that was done was by me. It is YOUR choice. You have the power to conquer this. It is within you.

Morgan, you need to talk to your parents about this sooner or later. I am sure that they sense something is wrong. Like I said, it will hurt for them when you tell them + throughout the first stages of recovery, but it will hurt more if they find you gone.

Keep on fighting, girls.
1266 morgan // Sep 20, 2009 at 12:33 am

i was about to tell my mom, but i got scared.
im afraid shes gonna be mad im telling her at this time.
my grandma has lung cancer right now so were all trying to deal with that. so if i tell her about me shes gonna be so upset.
i really dont know how to tell her.
1267 aliyah // Sep 20, 2009 at 3:39 am

morgan im so sorry to hear ur gran has lunch cancer.
I now it may seem selfish to you, but u still need to say and get it off ur chest.
u can say i just want to tell u something its been n my mind for a while, and i know how hard it is at the moment with gran, but im having trouble with food, and i need somehelp and support.

thats it, u ar enot asking ur family to devote all their time to you, u just want them to know, whats going on. sit with ur mum , and hold her hand or something, and yes it mite worry her, and stress her out, but shes not going to be angry and hate you or anything.

ur her daughter, she is there to look after you

good luck
x
1268 aliyah // Sep 20, 2009 at 3:40 am

*lung
1269 Sissy // Sep 20, 2009 at 11:21 am

I REALLY DO HATE ANOREXIC PEOPLE !!
Being anorexic… is just a sign of TOTAL MENTAL WEAKNESS! For people not to be able to be happy with themself and to fill up their time comparing themselves to other skinnier people… GOSH!
Be happy with your own body and show a lil’ bit of arrogance! THAT’S GOOD FOR YOUR SELF- ESTEEM AND IT KEEPS YOU FROM HAVING THESE KINDS OF STUPID “EATING DISORDERS”!!! And if you people are thinking and whining: ‘It’s not that easy… :’(‘ then TOO BAD, CUZ IT ÍS THAT EASY! If you don’t have much selfconfidence, then let it be your own problem, cuz it’s not fair to give all of your beloved friends and family a feeling of guilt or whatsoever you wanna call it. Don’t… be… that selfish…
1270 Tracie // Sep 20, 2009 at 12:17 pm

Sissy,
YOU ARE A HEARTLESS BITCH!!!!
Nobody asked for your opinion.
If you don’t like what is being said here,then don’t come on!!!!

Don’t you dare tell these girls what they should feel and what not to feel!
You don’t know who we are or what has gone on in our lives.

Its sounds like your the one with the MENTAL issue.
SO DO ALL OF US A FAVOR,AND GET HELP!!

Trace
1271 aliyah // Sep 20, 2009 at 12:24 pm

sissy – there is a lot more to an eating disorder than u may think, and it is an extremely emotional recovery journey.

mentally, we are all very strong, and its not easy , especialy for girls to be confident about themselves.

you should keep such comments to yourself
1272 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:03 pm

SISSY
they are not stupid, and no matter what you think of “anorexic” people, we are extreamly strong. stronger than you will ever be thats for sure. and why catogorize people. its not like its some kind of disease you will catch – or do you want it. cos your obviously attention seeking, why would you come on the site. if were so stupid, why waste your time?
and yeh, fair enough, we may need some confidence, but do you really think people like you are going to help that come?
has anybody ever told you what a cow you are!
1273 Laurie // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Sissy,
My first response was that of Tracie’s, then I thought a bit more about it and I think you have someone close to you that has an eating disorder otherwise..how would you know about “giving loved ones a feeling if guilt” and being selfish.

I actually feel sorry for you because you don’t understand (and maybe dont want to) the pain WE are going thru to get past this. Because if you did try to understand .. it just might hurt.

We are strong .. stronger than you could ever imagine.. because we haven’t given up .. or given in to this mental/emotional head game.

So think what you must.. but please .. this site is for positive reinforcements. We don’t need anymore people telling us what is wrong with our lives . We are working to better them. If you have nothing nice to say .. don’t say anything at ALL..
Laurie
1274 Tracie // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:21 pm

Well Sissy,
I guess WE are stronger then what u thought.

As what my group says”WE MAY BE SMALL ,BUT CAN BE MEAN,AND TUFF AS HELL”.

T
1275 saphire // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Sissy. You have no idea. You should get your head out of your ass and stop judging people.
1276 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:24 pm

hahahaha, short and sweet
1277 Nature // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:32 pm

Sissy, you are a disgust.

Trust me, I am not rude to people, but when people say detrimental things about people that I care for, I will be detrimental towards you. I give what I get.

People who suffer from mental illnesses are one of the most caring and thoughtful people on this world. We do not engage in these behaviours to hurt others, we engage in these behaviours because WE feel the guilt. Anorexic people do NOT spend their time 24/7 comparing themselves to other people. Many a thoughts run through our head, and the majority of them is wondering where we went wrong, why such awful things have happened in our lives, and feeling ashamed, guilty, and unworthy…

To be honest, it seems like YOU have low self esteem since you are the one who has to come here and belittle other people to make yourself seem “stronger”. People like you are the ones that make recovery harder. Grow up and have some more compassion. People will like you better that way.
1278 Nature // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:34 pm

I think we should send a virtual high five to all the girls here. We got her ass good, .

High five!
1279 Tracie // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:40 pm

Hey Girls,
Hahahahaha!!!!

High Five!!!!

LOL!!!

Friends ForEver & ForEver Connected,

Trace
xxxxxxxxxxx
1280 aliyah // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:43 pm

haha high fve girls!

be happy everyone
1281 Nature // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:54 pm

Hehehe, !
1282 Laurie // Sep 20, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Hey…high five to all of you… I’ll be on your team any day!!!!
It’s a great feeling to know that someone’s “got your back” so to speak!!
Hugs
Laurie
1283 Tracie // Sep 20, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Heck Ya!!!!!

And sorry girls for getting so verable.
I have this Mother thing going on.LOL

I am very protective though when it comes to our group.

xxxxxxxxx
1284 briar // Sep 21, 2009 at 5:43 pm

Heyy,
i am a 15 year old girl and I was diagnosed with anorexia last year in june 2008
i went into hospital and all for a couple of months and it took me a while till the end of that year to get better and i was really happy and healthy and started living my life again and found heaps of friends and a really good boyfriend i am still with today, i was 39 kg and now i am 49 kg but i am not happy, i am getting really depressed and feeling worthless all the time because i think i am gaining weight so i keep watching my food but i do binge and purge and then i excercise and i just feel so helpless now. and i cant tell anyone because they all think im healthy again and i put my familey through alot when i was diagnosed and if they found out i was getting sick again they would be so dissapointed i feel traped and i know i will always have this disease with me my whole life and it will make my life so hard and my health i hate myself im onley 15 and im doing this to myself, and i dont no why i can say this to people i dont even know but not to anyone i love i just feel trapped
1285 Nature // Sep 21, 2009 at 8:18 pm

Briar,

I feel a lot for you. I also became anorexic at 14, and it is hard. Especially when you’re still so young and you’re developing physically and emotionally.

But you know what stands out in your post? The fact that you’re such a strong individual and you made it through recovery once before and also the fact that you’re so caring and thoughtful of other people around you.

You did make it through and you did enjoy life before. You loved it, and you still have so many people around you that cares for you.

You have it in you to beat this. The thoughts that tell you that you’re getting heavier, that you hate yourself, and all that is fake. It’s not true.

I know your family will feel hurt if they find out that you had a slip, but they are going to hurt more if this disease takes you away.

But this is recovery, and you are still in this recovery phase because you came here. I have slips here and there as well. We all go through good and rough patches. Heck, I’m on a rough one right now, but do you know what? After what I went through, I’ve started appreciating life more. I’m more thankful for the few but good things I have, and I don’t want to hurt the one I love anymore. EDs are killers of yourself. They don’t care about how you feel, their purpose is to end your life.

Hunny, this is a very difficult journey, but you reached the top before. You can do it again.

Lots of love,

Nature.
1286 emilie.elizabeth // Sep 22, 2009 at 7:07 am

Briar,
hiaa. i too am 15, living in the uk but suffer more with mia than ana. like you though, i was kinda in recovery ( well pretened) but your a lot stronger than me. you actually did recover, you seen there was life after ana and you enjoyed it. yehh, fair enough, your parents might be a upset, but they wont be sad and angry. you might be shocked at this but they will proably be expecting it. after all, its not uncommon to relapse – and the therapists will have told them that. if they were there for you the first time, there going to be there for you again. dont worry. but imagine how upset they would be if this illness made there no way back for you.
like i said, you are ALOT stronger than me. ive only decided to properly recover a short while ago, and ino how you feel, not being able to tell your parents, but everyone here is so kind and helpful, its like a second family.
i can honestly say i couldnt of even thought about how to recover without them, especailly Trace
we are all here for you (L)
.xxxxxxxxxx
1287 aliyah // Sep 22, 2009 at 8:17 am

briar- i feel for you.
i know how you feel, i myself have had bulimia and anorexia since i was 14. I am now 19, and at a healthjy weight, and it can be hard to accept.
You are extremely strong, for recovering, and getting through recovery. You are so lucky to have a supporting family, and bf. they adore you, they love you for YOU not, for the ill, eating disordered you.

Bulimia is horrible, throwin up, feeling bloated, uncomfortable, it messes up ur metabolism and can cause damage to ur teeht, throat and it seriously messes up your hormonal balance which leads to moodswings.
You need to be strong again, and not give in to these behaviours because in the long run they will be irrevirsable .

you will not get fat, your body has a set point in which it needs to be at in order to run effieciently and for you to have all the nutrients you need.
you will not keep gaining, your at a stageof recovery where you need to maintain your weight, and that is done through regular eating, and eating roughly the same amount of calories every day.

http://www.bulimiahelp.org/
that website is very helpful, for tips and extra support if you dont want to tell anyone else.

dont let it take over your life agen and ruin relations.
you have a lot ot live for, and in the future, you will be grateful you are not stuck with an eating problem.
trust me, it can take away so much from you.
we are all here to help you

good luck, be brave and strong. eat when u feel hungry, listen to your body.

x
1288 Tracie // Sep 22, 2009 at 9:55 am

Thanks Sweetie,and like i said on facebook”WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER”.
So ur not alone Briar.WE are all here for u.
Anytime anyday.
Unfortunantly WE are all dealing with a disease that is a quiet killer.The person WE think WE can rely on,but in the end its Ana taking us away from our friends ,family,and life in general.

Thank you for coming to this site.WE are all here to help,and i am very open about my disease ,and will answer any question u have.

Take care sweetie,and WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY:)

Trace
xxxxxxxx
1289 Teddy // Sep 22, 2009 at 10:00 am

Hey everyone (:
heh, looks like i’ve missed quite a lot of stuff going on.. sorry i haven’t wrote on here in ages – i’ve been really sick ^ ^;;
but yeah, uhmm.. i have a message for this ‘sissy’ person, too \:
“fuck off – ignorant twat.” :3
i think it suits the situation quite well, seeing’s i’m not gonna waste anymore of my precious energy typing more than four words to this naive bastard. I find it rather idiotic, as well, that ‘sissy’ should waste her time on this site to bring amazing, good people down lower when what they obviously need is the opposite kind of approach, and she could obviously be off doing something that blatantly means so much more to her, like maybe asking a friend to help get her head out from up her arse, seeing as though it’s pretty far up there (as she’s made quite obvious to us all).
however! Please pardon my language and, moving on…
hi to everyone new here who i’ve not had the pleasure of welcoming yet!! (: i myself only joined this site abouuuutt.. what? A few months ago? And i promise, the support from here is overwhelming (:
xxxxxxxxxxxx
1290 Tracie // Sep 22, 2009 at 10:06 am

Hey Teddy,
Glad 2 hear from you.Sorry 2 hear you’ve been sick.Doing better?I hope!

Nice post regarding “The Bitch”.
One thing here is WE defintly got each others back!!!

Lets us know what you’ve been up to.

Love ya,
Trace
xxxxxx
1291 Teddy // Sep 22, 2009 at 10:22 am

Hey trace
yeah, i’m feeling loads better compared to how i was, thank you ^^
how’re you doing? (:
yeah, things are going okay, you can say… it was funny, actually – the other day i was clearing out my room, and a few years ago when i was at my lowest weights, i didn’t have a diary, and i used to get so emotional and scribble down onto any random piece of paper i could find how i felt, and (not surprising) most of it revolved completely around weight and eating :S
and it sort of gave me relief because, i know i’m not ‘cured’, but i also know i don’t think in the same way to what i did when i was in those stages… i remember writing these thoughts, too. It was from about a year to two or three years ago i wrote them, and they said stuff like ‘oh shit, what am i going to do?!!! I’m meant to be going to the gym with Helen tomorrow and i’ve put on a pound!!!!!! How can i go now!?? EVERYONE will be looking at me thinking what a fat slob i am and no WONDER i’m at the gym! ><’
and that’s a direct quote from one entry… and i remember writing that vividly, as well… time has gone by much quicker than i’d realised :S
but i suppose it’s good than i’ve come to terms with the fact i’m not THAT harsh with myself anymore, but i still know i have a LOOOONG way to go.
i’ve decided to focus entirely on schoolwork from now on, because i’ve lost all faith and trust in ALL of my ‘friends’, and i know i’m just going to have a meltdown if i focus on it too much.
how are things with you, though?
if you type in ‘teri duffy’ on facebook then i’ll come up i’m the one with the black and white photo..
love you xxxxxxxxx
1292 aliyah // Sep 22, 2009 at 10:43 am

teddy- hiya, how u doing?
soo glad to hear ur less harsh on urself, and that u are aware of it.
you .
im sure u know now, that a pound is nothing, and no one would notice such a small difference.
its good ur focusin on schoolwork, it gives u something to achieve and aim for

keep up the good work, and eat well.
you will get thru recovery,

take care x
1293 Twinkle // Sep 22, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Hi My Name is Twinkle,
I am in recovery from Anarexia,and i am at a healthy plus weight.

My problem is my spouse has noticed,but i think not in a good way.
It has been 4 months since he has even hugged or held me.
I am so ashamed of what i look like in the mirror.
I emailed him today that maybe when i lose weight you will touch me again.

So now i am on a mission to lose whatever i can.
So my husband will look at me the way he use too.

I don’t blame him “I am a fat ass”.,and i hate it.
1294 aliyah // Sep 22, 2009 at 12:42 pm

twinkle- im sorry but ur husband sounds like the ass!
you are BEAUTIFUL
recovery is very hard and u got thru it, so many girls dont, u are soo strong and i admire you.
you dont loook horrible, u look womanly, and ur healthier, n u dont have the same risks as u used to. u shud be so proud of urself.

do not give into ur husband, in fact u shud tell him, why wont u touch me, i have been thru a lot, and i need ur love and comfort.
and u shud re think ur relationship.
losing weight wont solve anything at al trust me.

eat healthy and be happy, dont let ur husband make u go back into old habits.

x
1295 briar // Sep 22, 2009 at 6:31 pm

Thank you I dont really know what to say,
it actually makes me feel alot better hearing this from you’s because you understand and everything you say is absolutley true I know i need to eat healthy then i will be happy, i feel in a happy mood right now because i have been controlling myself today and went for a jogg/walk and not binging and purging. i will talk to you guys again thankyou
1296 Nature // Sep 22, 2009 at 11:22 pm

Briar, you’re very welcome.

Teddy, I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing better. I know you’re in a rough patch right now, but what did I tell ya? You can do it, .

Tracie, you sound so much more positive compared to the last couple of months, and your beauty + strength is really shining through! You’ve came so far, keep up the awesome job you’re doing, !
1297 Nature // Sep 22, 2009 at 11:29 pm

Twinkle, I don’t know what the relationship you have with your husband is like, but I agree with Aliyah in that you should think about this for a while.

Do you know why your husband doesn’t hold you anymore? Are you sure it’s because you’re at a healthy weight right now, or are there other issues lying underneath? Whatever it is, communication is very important.

If it really is the case that your husband has stopped touching you because you came to a healthy weight, you should really consider it. Would you really want to be with a person who just loves you for your looks? Hun, you are so much more than a number. That number doesn’t define who you are. I’m sure you know from experience that an ED doesn’t give anything in return.

Keep on fighting.
1298 aliyah // Sep 23, 2009 at 3:11 am

briar- awesome! glad ur feeling positive. its amazing just what having a positive attitude can do.
keep it up, and try to eat as best u can. u dont need measures to get rid of your food, you will not get fat, we can all promise u that

xox
1299 Laurie // Sep 23, 2009 at 3:33 am

Hi Twinkle,
I am Laurie and have been struggling with anorexia for 3 yrs. However at this point I am maintaining a little higher than goal weight. I am also married with two teenage boys. Unlike your husband, mine has ignored the whole process ..losing and gaining, laxatives, therapy, inpatient. outpatient. MY point to you is husbands/men handle things in a very different way and sometimes if you don’t hit them right over the head and tell them straight out what is bothering or hurting your feelings. . they aren’t going to “get it” .
Let him know how much it hurts you.. is he in perfect condition?? not that it should matter.. because we need to love someone from the inside out.. you are the same person you were when thin..with the exception that you are healthier ,happier, have more energy. less mood swings.
I understand body image is the last stage to go.. so be patient ..but be proud of what you have done.
I know by far it is the greatest accomplishment of my life even though it doesnt feel that way at times. so don’t go backwards because of what someone else thinks of you ..even if it is the man you married.
YOU are worth more than someone else’s opinion,
whew ..when I get on a roll .. I guess I have had my quota of coffee for the day..
Good Luck and remember we are here for you anytime.
Hugs
Laurie
1300 amy // Sep 24, 2009 at 2:38 am

hey everyone. Hope u r all doing well. I have just started to do exercise again. Is going on the treadmill for half an hour ok? Im afraid of starting to go on the treadmill to lose weight again. I just wana tone up but not lose weight. Is that possible? How can I? Im at my ideal weight and don’t like it:( I dont no wat to do. I went to the osteoporosis doctor yesterday and he said its curable:D so im very happy about that. All I have to do is eat a healthy balanced diet ,exercise and get my period back to make my bone density better.Hows uni going Aliyah? Im in my 4th week back now.xx
1301 aliyah // Sep 24, 2009 at 3:08 am

megan- uniis going ok thanks : first week back, had longggg days but lots of food and sleep makes it ok! plusi have fridays off.
If u want to tone up, and not lose weight, i would say you should, do light stretching, and yoga or tai chaii. itll help you tone up. doing running and stuff is hard on your body, and especially your bones, and u dont want to make it any worse. plus u dont want to get obsessive. if u must run or something, dont go and do it like every day. limit it to like 2/3 times a week.

hows uni for you?
glad the doc said it can be cured just maintain ur weight, and eat well.
you may not like being at this weight, but its sooo important for your health, and future, and for uni stress!

love urself, we all do

xx
1302 amy // Sep 24, 2009 at 3:38 am

Uni is going good. U r so lucky having fridays off! Do u go home at wkends? I do. Ok I might try yoga. It sounds relaxin as well. My weight still hasnt redistrubuted and I still havnt got my period. A year is so long to wait!xx
1303 aliyah // Sep 24, 2009 at 4:15 am

haha yeah buti have a lot on , from monday to thurs

I still live at home, with my parents and two wee bros, so im home all the time ( yes that means lovely home cooked dinners) .
my uni isnt too far, i drive in.

ino ur frustrated, i still havent redistrubuted al weight yet either, it will eventually. every body is different, and has differnt paces.
im waiting on my period too, we will get it back, thru good eating.

and yeh u shud try yoga, mite help u accept ur body too.

do u go home at wkds then?

x
1304 Amy // Sep 24, 2009 at 9:36 am

Awww ur so lucky to live at home!! Yeah I live an hour and a half away so I can go home at wkends. I miss my brother and sister durin the week! Its good to know there are other people on the same boat as me about weight redistribution. U sumtimes feel like u r the only one. Thanks. xx
1305 aliyah // Sep 24, 2009 at 12:24 pm

no problem amy. u are NOT alone, ever. only ana tries to make u feel isolated and cut off, when honestly ur not.
alwayssss here for you

awww that must be quite hard, missinfg ur family and everything, but at least u see them at wkds, and u can get nice home cooked meals.

happy and healthy
xx
1306 Amy // Sep 25, 2009 at 3:38 am

Thanks Aliyah. Yea I can’t wait for 2nite to go home I get off early 2day at 1 so il get home about half 3 Yea its nice getting home cooked meals.Ur so lucky. My mum freezes food for me so I can take them up during the week tho:)Im getting a chinese 2nite wen I go home.:)Im not gonna worry about calories or anything.xx
1307 Nature // Sep 25, 2009 at 2:50 pm

Amy, it’s so good to hear you sounding happier and more motivated, ^^.

You’re doing an awesome job, enjoy your weekend, .
1308 aliyah // Sep 26, 2009 at 1:44 am

hope u enjoyed the takeaway amy u deserved it
1309 Twinkle // Sep 27, 2009 at 10:14 pm

Hey Girls,
Hows everything going?
Well i’m doing good i guess.I am at a healthy weight,but i don’t like it.The only think that is cool i got Boobs.LOL
As for Twinkle remember Guys of any age want to fix things that go wrong especially with there famlies.Meaning ur hubby knows he can’t fix ur problem only U can,and remember Ana is a addiction so WE will always be battling her till the end.

Well My daughter goes in tomorrow for her tonsils to be removed.Bless her heart she is sooooo scared,as well as iam,but don’t let her know that.
Keep her in ur prayers tomorrow at 810 am my time.

Remember girls WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER,and NO ONE CAN STOP US!!!!
INCLUDING ANA.

Love to u all,
Trace
xxxxxxxx
1310 amy // Sep 28, 2009 at 8:57 am

Hey Trace.Glad ur keeping well:) Things are going ok for me. I feel the exact same as you! Im at a healthy weight but don’t like it either. I also have got my boobs back at least lol. Il keep ur daughter in my prayers 2nite and 2moro morn.:) xx
1311 aliyah // Sep 28, 2009 at 11:23 am

hey tracie, how did it go with ur daughter? hope it went all.
how r u anyway?
be proud of ur womanly figure! better than being a skeleton.
im all good, was my bros bday today, just had indian takeaway and some choccie cake

amy- how u doing? hope uni n stuffs all good!
2nd year is hard already haha.
love yourself xxx
1312 Amy // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Hey Aliyah. Im doing well thanks. Wat about u? Im just back from going out 4 a meal with my godmother. I had a dessert as well. So Stuffed now!Good on u getting a takeaway:) Hope u enjoyed it. Aw uni is hard for me 2! We r practicing on plastic teeth but its still wile hard!xxx
1313 aliyah // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:24 pm

im good thanks. well done on ur meal proud of you hope u enjoyed everyy bite.
i enjoyed the takeaway thanks

yeah uni is harddd, got so much on this week, n im gna get assinments this week, and it sbusy busy busy. but we gta keep our energy levels up.

have a good happy week
1314 Twinkle // Sep 29, 2009 at 11:47 am

Hi girls,
Hows everyone doing?Well my baby made it through her tonsil removal yesterday.
Bless her heart she can’t talk today,and is running a fever.I’m glad i took her out of school for 2 weeks.
As for Ana i still keep on truckin.lol
I am at my goal weight plus some,but trying to deal with it.Its nice to have stuff going on ,and keeping me busy that i don’t think of Ana.
Do u all find that too?
Being to busy to struggle with her?
Plus i do ALOT of talking about her too to younger girls,and guys.

Love to you all.
xxxxxxx
1315 Trace // Sep 29, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Okay so u all probably Figured out twinkle is me.
Also i am not good at lying.
What is good is i spoke to my hubby,and needless to say it is a medication he is taking,which makes sense.Then i got to thinking
Frick Ana is good she is trying to get me to Once again that it is my fault,and i am too FAT.

Damn it just opens up a whole can of worms.
Oh btw my Grandma used to call me twinkle toes,and that is how i thought of twinkle.Cute huh?
What a mind trip Ana is .I really HATE her…
1316 aliyah // Sep 29, 2009 at 12:11 pm

glad the tonsil operation went well!
and yes i used to like being so busy i didnt have time to think about ana and food, and now, i generally am not bothered. if i want to eat something i will have it!

embrace ur body, u may not like being at a weight u once probably thought was very fat, but ur not fat. its a healthy weight.
so be proud of urself, and embrace ur feminine body
1317 aliyah // Sep 29, 2009 at 12:12 pm

trace- im glad u said u wer twinkle
and see, ur husband had a reason!
its not cause ur fat!
you ar enottt
we all love u , be good to urself and ur body xx
1318 lo // Oct 7, 2009 at 8:45 pm

So, to be honest i’ve never thought of myself as a person that has issues. but once i stopped cheering in highschool i stopped working out and then went to college. gained the freshman 15 and lost it. but ever since then i’ve had this issue where i watch everything i eat. its gotten progressively worse as well. becuase now i have will count calories and eat one meal a day and drink coffee or tea the rest of the day. sometimes i can’t and i’ll eat whatever i want but then i feel way fat! and i want to not eat at all the next day. its so annoying to constantly worry about. I’m 5’3” and 105 . so i’m healthy still but i was 115 then 110 and now 105 and i think that if i just lost 5 more and was 100 i’d be perfectly fine. but i just keep going down and down. i am not depressed and i have a wonderful life but i hate my body sometimes…. what the heck?
1319 Jenn // Oct 8, 2009 at 12:54 am

Hi. I don’t really know where I am, Limbo would be my best bet. I cry, because I feel fat. I’m 5’0.25 and my lowest weight was 85 lbs. I feel like that is fat, and i feel like i am huge. My parents force me to go to a nutritionist and she doesn’t help me. Just gets gets me angry, and i think makes it worse. as a kid i was always super chubby. I was told by people and had horrible self esteem. I want to be skinny again, i really do. but i’ve been eating a lot lately and feel so fat and disgusting. i cry at night, and cannot sleep. people say anorexia effects your grades, but i did much better then than now. i need some help. i don’t know what i want, im so confussed. please help, please.
1320 Jenn // Oct 8, 2009 at 12:58 am

my family talks about me and i hear them. it makes me cry. my nutri says that i can’t do something, it pisses me off so I do it. i out a lot of pressure on myself. my best friend is also going through anorexia. i can’t help her because im being a hyprocryte. i feel horrible. i don’t know what to do.

(( I’m the same person who posted above ))
1321 Jenn // Oct 8, 2009 at 1:00 am

me again, i keep rembering things

im scared of the scale currently, i can barley look at one. it’s a problem. ha, one of my many. i don’t even know if i was anorexic. i only lowered my cals, to 500 and lost 20 lbs.
1322 Nature // Oct 8, 2009 at 10:36 am

Hi Lo and Jenn.

I can really feel your struggles and how stressed out you two must be feeling right now, ):. I was once where you two were, and so many other girls here are/were there as well!

Lo, I know it feels “good” to lose the weight and such, but that feeling of goodness is fake. You will end up more miserable each time as you lose more weight. I thought I would be perfectly fine as well when I reached “that number,” but to tell you the truth, as you have said yourself, you will never be satisfied with how much you lose. Anorexia is a disease with one purpose only: to kill you.

You have a good life as you’ve said. Life is too short to waste your precious time on an ED. Please keep fighting.
1323 Nature // Oct 8, 2009 at 10:37 am

Jenn, hang on there, I’m writing up a response for you!
1324 Nature // Oct 8, 2009 at 10:47 am

Jenn, I feel for you a lot.

I’m still working on my emotions and thoughts and things like that even though physically I’m well now. It is very, very difficult to believe in yourself and be happy + kind to yourself.

As a young child, I didn’t have a good time either. As for your grades, it depends on each person, but it definitely affected my concentration levels and such. I still got Honour Roll standing and such at my school, but it did catch up to me. My depression and ED got me pretty darn good, and I didn’t go to school for a decent amount of time. With luck and kindness from my teachers and others, I was able to pass the school year.

It is so difficult to let go of the past, and I know this, too, because I have difficulties with it as well. And yes, things are pretty bleak, especially when you’re still stuck there and struggling. But you know what, even though everything seems like hell right now, it will get better, trust me. All you have to do is keep fighting back at these destructive monsters.

I know the feeling of not knowing what you want. I’ve been there. I’ve felt hopeless, too, but I promise to you again, as you keep heading the path of recovery, you’ll find meaning in life. It takes time, trust me.

Be kind and patient with yourself. Keep on fighting.
1325 shadow // Oct 8, 2009 at 11:24 am

I have been watching this tread for awhile now. I have dealt with anorexia and now its turned to more of a bulimia so if I am not welcomed here please let me know. I am struggling! I act to everyone (parents, doctors, thearpists) and such that I am ok and that i have stopped the binge/purge or just the not eatting cycle. They trust me and thats one of the hardest things! I am still doing what I am doing and with all the exercising and then the nights that I really have NO ENERGY to do any of it I get so upset with myself! I am so confused and lost and afraid of gaining weight!! WHAT DO I DO!!!!! Please help
1326 aliyah // Oct 8, 2009 at 11:56 am

lo- hi there. i feel ur pain. i myself had anorexia n bulimia for mannnnnnnny years n i tell u now, recovery is the only way out.anorexia is a vicous cycle, u feel fat, u control food, u lose weight, u still feel fat, u contol agen etc.
sometimes, in that cycle, other factors like metabolism, hormone levels etc affect it, so it mite be hard to lose weight. or to control food everyday.
everything in life may be good, but yet food is all u can think about.
and hun, when u starve ur body, ur mind is not fed, and the voice gets stronger, u become weaker, and ana takes over.
u have to fight to get past it, u cant let it control u, and u cnt keep losing weight. the side effects are endless, and u may think gaining weight is the last thing u ever want to do, but ur just REgaining any weight u lost.
it is the only way foward, and belive me, ur mind will get better, the thoughts will get less, and ull be able to focus on the real thing in life.
1327 aliyah // Oct 8, 2009 at 12:01 pm

jen- ino how frustrating it can be. all u want is control, and to control ur food, ur weight, and the truth is u cant ever do that completelt. u have to let ur body be what it naturally, eat healthy and exercise, a few times a week.
ur not a number, u are you, and ur friends n family r all worried, n they have good reason to be.
2000 cals is what u have to have, 500 is nothing. u shud try to eat regularly, at least every 4 hours and this will help speed up ur metabolism. by eating very little, u will have no eneergy, hormones will be all over the place, u will feel cold, sad and wont be able to sleep, and it will only get worse.
try to write down, a list of things u want from life, and then write next to it, how anorexia will prevent u from it e.g. good grades- anorexia will affect my concentration.
u will see, u have nothing to gain from controlling food. and u r not gaining weight, ur REgaining weight.
u shud go to ur doc, for advice n help or confide in someone. gettin it off ur chest may help u feel better.
1328 aliyah // Oct 8, 2009 at 12:04 pm

shadow- of copurse u are welcome. i used to have bulimia and anorexia, and i know exactly how u feel. so out of control and helpless.
bulimia is horrible, and ythe only way to stop bingeing, is to eat regularly and often, every day so mechanical eating. 3 meals a day with snacks. if u dotn ur metabolism will get so messed up, and ur weight will flunctuate like crazy, and the exercise will make it worse.ur body will panic when u dnt eat and turn anything u do eat into fat for energy and storage, and this is y u wnt have energy.
make up a small mealplan for urself, go to a doctor, and dont let this take over.
u can do something about it. if u had the motivation to control ur eating this much, u have the motivation to go back to a relationship, with food that is healthy.
u dnt want this to have long term effects.
http://www.bulimiahelp.org/

this site is helpful for extra info and advice.
all the best
1329 Nature // Oct 8, 2009 at 2:13 pm

Hi Shadow, as already Aliyah have said, you are ALWAYS welcome here. It doesn’t matter what type of eating disorder you have, we’re all in this together.

Aliyah gave you excellent advice, and I hope you take it to heart. You are always welcome to come here whenever you need us, okay?

Keep on fighting and lots of love,

Nature.
1330 lo // Oct 8, 2009 at 5:38 pm

I wasn’t sure if anyone would respond to me but i want to thank everyone who did.
I feel like if i just forget about food and eat healthy i’ll gain a ton of weight and then i’ll freak out!
how do i stop thinking like this? I know what i do is wrong and i believe everything that you all say but i just can’t stop. i don’t want to deal with this my whole life! my sister is the same but when she eats its more healthy mine is just whatever i eat its little or nothing. even if its a unhealthy. she works out alot more to but i feel like i don’t have time with school and work so the only thing i can do is not eat.
I am way self conscious about my upper half too every girl in my fam is way small and i feel if i got sergery it would fix everything. but i’m not stupid i know it wont.
i have to be perfect i feel. i know i’m pretty just could always be skinnier and better. perfect is the word again.
if i feel fat now when i stop and eat good how will i not see myself as fatter…
1331 Nature // Oct 8, 2009 at 6:39 pm

Lo, I know it’s very hard to let go, but like you said yourself, you know this is wrong. This will make you feel miserable, and it will end with your death.

Once you start eating normally, and I mean three meals + snacks a day, your body will start functioning properly. Your body will then go to the healthy weight that’s right for you. It does not matter what other people weigh. In fact, it doesn’t matter what you weigh, either. The inside is what counts. You are a beautiful individual, and you need no surgery. Beauty comes from within.

Once you can truly accept yourself for who you naturally are, you won’t feel fat. You will be happy. All the gifts in life that are important comes from the inside: love, happiness, joy, laughter… they’re priceless and you can’t get them any other way.

Keep on fighting, you are very strong, and you can do this.
1332 Trace // Oct 8, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Hey Girls,
Hows it going?
Welcome Lo ur at a great place to share ur feelings,scream yell,but when it all comes down to it WE are in control not Ana.
Ana is the silent killer that ALL of us looked up to at one time or another.
I am a recovering Ana for almost 5 years now,and this last year i have hit my goal weight.
Good i know ,but it is still Ouch,and ALOT to get use too.
I am very open,and will answer any and all questions anyone has.
The girls on this site well theres basicly 1 way of saying it WERE SISTERS,and WE HAVE EACH OTHERS BACK.
So welcome to our sisterhood.
First and formost i am very proud of u that u came on.That says u do have control,and can gain it all back in due time.
It took ALL OF US TO GET THIS WAY FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS.So be PATIENT,but PERSISENT on BEATING Ana.

Together WE can accomplish anything.

Oh and btw i am eating a BIG FAT BOWL OF ROCKY ROAD ICE CREAM COVERED WITH CHOCOLATE SYRUP.Yummy!!!

We all can do it one day at a time…..:)

Love Ya all,
Trace
xxxxxx
1333 lo // Oct 8, 2009 at 10:31 pm

had chicken pasta an omlet and ice cream.
i feel lame and fat
so annoyed
uh!!!!!!!
1334 Jenn // Oct 8, 2009 at 11:48 pm

I’ve been triny got post. but they haven’t been working. I think I’ve submitted three.
1335 Jenn // Oct 8, 2009 at 11:54 pm

Okay it’s working again. I have a LOT to say now =]

First; THANK YOU! You are all so sweet and amazing! Keep strong, I know you can do it girlies.

=[ It’s so damn hard. I want to be healthy and be a normal teenager but I CANNOT. It’s like 20% wants to be normal and 80% wants to be skinny. As I’m writing this I’m planning tomorrow’s food. I feel like a complete and utter FAILURE. Both ana Jenn and healthy Jenn do. Ana Jenn is a effing fat ass. And Healthy Jenn is dying and be taken over by Ana Jen. (( I’m not bi-polar I’m just explaning it this way))

Also, I was reading comments here and something really hurt me and brought me to tears. “Sissy” said some horrible comments and it made me think about how people bash people who have eating disorders. I felt horrible, and I was a waste of life after reading that. but you comments made me realize THIS IS NOT A CHOICE BUT A ILLNESS! i hate it when people make fun of people and celebraties who suffer from an eating disorder. YOU DON”T MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE WITH CANCER!
1336 aliyah // Oct 9, 2009 at 1:24 am

lo the best way to get rid of the worries and thoughts is to challenge them! you have to show to urself, hey its not what i thought, for example i always used to be scared of gaining lotsof weight n gettin fat. then i challenged it, and i ate more and more slowly, and gradually and saw that it didnt affect my weight like i thought it wud. so in ur own time and pace, u shud start to challenge each thought one at a time
you can do it, u just need to learn to trust ur body agen, and for ur body to trust u, which isnt always easy but with time it will get easier .

jen- ino ur totally right, its a horrible illness and it shud be taken more seriously. but over the last few years people have took notice of it more, and realised howserious it is. do uno anorexia, has the highest death rate over any other mental disorder? yes it sia serious thing. and u need to eat , its not all about food, but ur body needs to be healthy or it will fail u. ur bones will get weak, ur body will start to eat itself, u will feel contantly ill and horrible. u are not fat, u just need to REgain some weight slowly.
try to eat more, just mechanical eating, and read about anorexia, and reocery, buy some books on it, and get some motivation in you
the voice is strong, but u are sooo much stronger! x
u can prevent this!
1337 Nature // Oct 9, 2009 at 8:12 am

Welcome back Lo and Jenn.

Lo, you did a REALLY good thing for you by having that meal. Your body definitely needed it, and you should be SO proud that you had it. Keep up the good work, all right? The only way moving forward is challenging and fighting those thoughts!

Jenn, it will take a lot of time and persistence, but you will get through. There will always be people who are rude and thoughtless about others. It’s just the way this sad world works, but really, they’re the types of people you wouldn’t want in your life anyway, so they can just get the hell out! Don’t worry about them because they don’t care about you!

Like Aliyah said, you are very strong, but your body will start failing if it doesn’t get food. I know life is hard, but there’s always a better place you’ll come to. It will all be granted in time, but you’ll have to work and put effort in to get there. I know you can get through this so keep on going.
1338 Trace // Oct 9, 2009 at 10:43 am

Hello My little SunFlowers,
Lo sweetie don’t beat urself up because you ate.Like WE all know that is Ana that little voice in u that says YOU DON”T DESERVE TO EAT!
But let me tell you like i have told the other girls,and i STILL tell myself Our bodies are just like a car.You need gas to drive ur car,and you need food to live.
Okay so here’s a question for EVERYONE K?
Name off 5 things ANA does for ur body that is GOOD?
Then name off 5 things that ANA does to our body which is BAD?

I can only name bad.
I have a heart condition,brittle bones,ulcers,headaches,and secluding myself from the world,and family.
I can keep going ,but i wont.

Remember girls the damage u do to ur body CAN be permanant.Mine are,and i never had them in 2000.
LO & Jenn, aren’t u sick of feeling dizzy,lightheaded with headaches,and hiding from the world?
YOU BOTH are so much more then ANA.YOU have control.
Don’t u want to have children someday ,and a family?
Please let ALL of us on here help you.
Just take it day by day,and bite by bite.

For myself i starved myself.In my head i would take 1 bite of something,and i was good for the day.
I wasn’t even taking in 60 calories a day when i went in Hospital.I drank coffee like no other.
It was my choice i diuretic.That is how my stomache got all messed up.
Please girls give urself a chance.
Ana only has 1 outcome choose life,and u have a future.

Lots of Love to everyone!!!

Friends ForEver & ForEver Connected.

Trace
xxxxx
1339 shadow // Oct 9, 2009 at 12:11 pm

Thanks for the welcome I am a single mother and have a two year old son. I want to be healty for him but I feel that my weight and how i look is part of the reason that my marriage didn’t work. Maybe if I had been skinny or pretty then he wouldn’t have been abusive and my son would still have a father. I have tried the dating scene and I feel that every time I go out all they want to do is go and eat and then I feel self conscious. I even had a guy tell me that he had a “weight class” and I was ok at the moment but if I gained weight then he would only be friends with me and not want to date me!!! I am so tired of all of it.
1340 Trace // Oct 9, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Shadow sweetie it is the STUPID men in this world that give US WOMEN a complex.
I am a mom of an 11 year old.
I am finally at a healthy weight,but yet i will say to the girls on here I LOOK SO GROSE,but then i think (like the girls tell me)What would my daughter do without her mom?
What would ur beautiful baby boy do without his mommy too?
I am married of 16 years.My hubby is NOT a small man in any way.He is 6 2′,and weighs 250lb,and he tells me that sometimes he thinks i don’t like the way he looks.I looked at him and said ur crazt right?He said No!
I told him “Why would i want a skinny no figured man who i could probably kick his a–!!
He laughed,but it true.I feel protected.Now i feel like a Woman,and not a little girl at my “Normal weight”.

Honestly i thinkk the guys/men/boys who are muscles,and so on are the ones you can’t trust.
There the ones who cheat,and makes there mate feel like shit!!
Sweet u are a beautiful woman,and u derserve only the best.
And i know you only want the best for your little one,and ur previous mate is definitly a BAD example for ur son.
You have morals,and standards for urself as well as ur little boy,and u let the guys u go out with know that.
You don’t need a man they need u!!!

I know what u mean about feeling self conscious i am the same way,but Dam Girl you deserve to eat and be healthy.
My Therapysit said to me the other day”Do u feel ur being started at when ur eating or doing anything for that matter”?I told her Yes.I can feel the eyes.She told me Trace people have too much going on to be focused on u,and its true.
People could care less.

Hang in there Love.We are all here for u.

Lots of Love,
Trace
xxxxxx
1341 Nature // Oct 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Shadow, I am really sorry to hear that your previous partner was abusive.

I just want you to know that it is absolutely not your fault that it didn’t work out. Nobody in the right mind would want to stay with an abusive person. You did the best thing you could for yourself and your son. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your son receiving the abuse your partner gave to you.

Once again, it is not your fault, and you have no control over your previous partner’s actions. It seems like he has his own set of issues, which he needs to work on.

Please don’t take this out on yourself, it isn’t your fault. You aren’t responsible for this.

Like Tracie said, you are beautiful, and you deserve somebody who loves you for who you are inside and out.

Think about your son. He needs you a lot at this stage of life, and you’ll need all the energy to keep up with such a young boy. Please keep on fighting. I wish you the best.
1342 lo // Oct 9, 2009 at 6:23 pm

i felt really good physically when i ate. and lightheaded until i ate dinner tonight. so now i’m really tired.. this is so retarded.
thanks guys so much making me realize that i have a illness. it’s actually really hard for me to comes to terms with in my head. I haven’t ever told anyone and i hide it well so know one knows. I’m so glad that i have you guys to talk to and i really feel like i have sisters and support now.
you all make me feel like i need to win by eating instead of winning by not eating and its really helping!

Shadow- I’m a girl who dates “those” guys. the ones that are buff and so selfish. I was in a past relationship with a guy who was on steriods and it took me a year to get out of but i HAD to because it was an abusive thing. i think he’s a reason that i have ana because i was never good enough i didn’t look exactly like a celeb. well its not worth it! i’m so blessed that i was able to get out and you should feel the same:). because he would have continued to make you feel like that, not like a princess. know that you deserve only the best someone to love you for who you are not what you look like. and i need to take my own advice huh. ha but we’re here for you!

seriously thank you girls. its amazing to know that someone really know’s how you feel.

Trace im going to try and add you on facebook:)

loves around!
1343 aliyah // Oct 10, 2009 at 2:05 am

shadow- that guy sounds horrible! forget people and comments like that. dont let it get to you, he is not worth it. u are worth so much more
im sorry to hear u had an abusive relationship
but right now ui shud try to focus on what u have in life, life is about getting the best out of what u have, and being happy.
u have ur son, and thats priceless, u need to be a good role model, and not let him see food is scary. im sure he adores you, so just try ur best to have ur 3 meals, and snacks, and not worry about being fat bocz ur not.
food is ur medicine

Lo well done on the dinner!!! woop so proud of you hun. it snot nice feeling lightheaded and ill, and u can get past that stage and be able to enjoy food!
each time u take a bite, its a victory against ana. keep up the eating ,and have lots of rest and sleep. ur body has suffered a lot.

read this blog:
http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

its the stages i went thru in recovery, and u mite be able to relate to some of it.
remember u are not alone
1344 Cynthia // Oct 11, 2009 at 12:36 pm

Thank you all for your open and honest comments. I have found this site very encouraging. My 15 yr old daughter is recoverying from anorexia and still is under inpatient care. I know that other parents are perusing this site seeking understanding and encouragement. I felt blessed that a site like this is available. I just spoke with my daughter on the phone and told her about this site. Hopefully, when she comes home, she will find mutual support and encouragement during her recovery. It is difficult for a parent to realize that they can’t just kiss it and make their child better. The good news is that with the treatment plan that she is undergoing, she is now glowing and back to her chatterbox self! She is on a gradual meal plan, since she was only eating 300 calories a day, so it is slow going. I am proud and excited for her. Many people balk at the thought of seeking help, but the rewards of counseling/education for the whole family has its rewards! Thank you all once again for helping me understand a little better, so that I can support and encourage my daughter to the best of my ability.
1345 Trace // Oct 11, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Hi Cynthia,

I just want to tell you that your GREAT.
And yes your daughter is on a road to recovery.
Just remember you or your family are not to blame,and this is something like you said “that you can kiss and make batter.”
I am 40 years old,and i too am a recovering Anorexic.
This is something thst i myself will deal with the rest of my life.
I too have been hospitalized in 2004,and only this year have i actually hit my Healthy weight.

My Mom was the same way wanting to fix my problem,and my husband.I have a georgous daughter who is 11 yrs.
I can honestly say “I live for my family”.

My Sisters,and Mom wanted to do an INTERVENTION.I laughed at them.
I told them “Its up to me to gain weight you can’t make me”.
Which is sooooooo TRUE.
It takes alot of wilpower,and a team of doctors.
To this day i have a MD,Nutritionist,and Therapyist whom i see every month.

I am so PROUD of your daughter.It is difficult to go inpatient,and be watched 24 hrs aday.
Counting calories,not being able to go to the bathroom alone,and eating all your food so you don’t have to take any suppliments at the end of your day.
She has got alot to live for.A loving mom,and a will to be in recovery.
Now don’t get frustrated in she feels she is relapsing.That is common.I went from eating maybe 40 calories a day for 7 years to eating 4800 calories cause my body wouldn’t gain weight in Hosp.
Basicly i found something to live for (ME).

The girls on this site are my FAMILY.
We understand one another,we can actually read each others mind.
WE ARE SISTERS!!!!!!
We always support,and give it to each other straight,but WITH LOVE!!!

I get great advice off of my girls here when i am like the Senior..lol
I willl pray for your daughter.For patients,determination,and most of all A CONTINUED SELF LOVE!!!

Take care,and we are here for you too.
Anything i can answer please feel free to ask.I am very honest,and open about my recovery.

Lots of Love,
Trace
xxxxxxx
1346 Cynthia // Oct 11, 2009 at 2:05 pm

Trace,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayer. I know that your comments inspire others to hang in there. It is wonderful that you are here and supportive to so many. I pray you realize that loved ones will slip up and be over optimistic, but I am sure that it is done out of love for you. The best thing is to tell them how it makes you feel. My daughter spoke up and told me how she felt. I felt ashamed when I realized that I was being overly focused on the disorder and not on her! I apologized but made sure she knew I may have been thoughtless in my tact, but it was thoughtful love that I was addressing it. I must admit that my other daughters and I did have a family intervention in the beginning. It was extremely emotional and difficult. It was a start though. We got her to agree to go to the doctor. She didn’t believe what the doctor was saying. Therapists were seeked out, but my daughter was not ready to acknowledge her eating disorder and thought that it was silly. She still felt healthy at that time. It did take her heart and liver to weaken, and loss of energy before she realized that she needed help. So its true that my daughter is in control of her eating, but a family does need to intervene sometimes. It at least gets the issue into the open and my daughter did start to research on her own what anorexia was before she was admitted.

She can’t wait to come home. You are right, being monitored is frustrating, but she is glad that she is there too. Every time I speak to her, she proudly tells me about a new goal achieved. The recovery process can seem overwhelming to the family too, but hearing her renewed spirit to live makes it all worth it. She was sad about not being able to join in recreation activities, and wishes that she could write in her journal in her room. They won’t allow her in her room a couple hours after she eats. But she is really excited that soon she will be able to select her own food from the cafeteria, even if she has to return to another room to be monitored. I am praying that her will to be healthy and live continues at home.

I miss her too but am using this time to make a plan on how to focus on her interests and hobbies when she comes home. I don’t want to constantly focus on her eating disorder but to try and engage in ordinary life activities and conversations. I have high hopes since she has opened up and become more social. She was so depressed before and slowly closed everyone out. Oh my, I am rambling. I want to keep alert and really listen to her, but I don’t want her to feel like our home has become like the hospital. Under constant surveillance, you know. Anyways, my plan is just to remind her by being there for her and enjoying life and all of the benefits and beauty of living healthy in this world.

Just want to send out a big hug to you and everyone else recovering…a hug for all of those family members who are supportive and encouraging too! Hope you and everyone else forgives me for rambling! XOXOXO
God Bless you all.
Cynthia
1347 Trace // Oct 11, 2009 at 2:42 pm

Hi Cynthia,

You are definitly not rambling.WE all talk alot,and that is what keeps us real,and in touch with our recovery.
May i ask where your daughter is being treated at?
I was In Sacramento Ca. at Sutter Hosp.
It sounds like you have a great family that can definitly move forward with your daughter ,and her recovery.
I am sorry if i came across as i shoved my family away.I didn’t mean too.
I live in Asotin Wa,and my Mom lives in California.
She is my inspiration as well as my dad.(May he rest in peace).
The last time i saw my mom was in 2007 when my father passed.I was still pretty slim.
My mom was able to come out this past summer,and when she got off the plane she cried when she saw me.
I was weighing finally at a normal weight,and she was so happy.
Where i live at i talk at the local Jr. High,and High school on Anarexia ,and your health.
It is very rewarding.
I must say too i am a Vegan too.I am allergic to all protein.So i eat large amounts of food just to stay healthy.
I understand about her heart and liver suffering a bit,but all that will be back to normal when she regains her strength,and continues to eat.
When i was in Hosp. i was diagnosed with a Right Bundle Branch Block in my heart,and I was having Seizures as well,but i can say i am 100%
Back to normal with just mild problems but all fixable.
Your whole family sounds awesome!!!
Your daughter is in great hands i can tell,and its great that you seek out info on Anarexia as well.

Knowledge is Power!!!!
I am here for you….:)

Lots of Love,
Trace
xxxxxxxxx
1348 Jenn // Oct 14, 2009 at 7:48 pm

I feel like such a fatbutt. i’ve been pigging-out this whole week and i feel huge. today i felt like i had an epifany, but i went back.

i know i ma going to starve myself tomorrow and probably a couple days after it. im lying to my mother and i am telling her i have my period, but i stopped getting it like 5 months ago.
1349 Jenn // Oct 15, 2009 at 5:31 am

i swear im about to start breaking down and to start freaking out. we’re talking about eating disorders it makes me feel so much worse. they’re showing skinny people and im feel jealous. I was off to a god start today by eating a big breakfast but i already have my mind set im running for an hour to work it off and to starve the rest of today. i cannot talk about this in person with people- it really stresses my out.
1350 Amy // Oct 15, 2009 at 6:40 am

Jenn, u need to eat to get your period back. If u dont have ur period for a couple of months u can get osteopenia-brittle bones. Please try!There are days when u will eat a lot.It happens me 2. Ur just regaining weight which needs to happen for your body to function normally again.xx
1351 Nature // Oct 16, 2009 at 10:26 am

Jenn, take a deep breath! It’s all right! I know it doesn’t feel that way, but it is!

You still have some ways to go to reach a healthy weight, and it’s the body’s first natural reaction when it’s been starved for so long. It will try to get as much food as possible, but trust me, it will settle out! It happened to me, too, and yes, it’s real creepy, but the only way to get out of it is to keep eating, to keep continuing your recovery path.

It is so much more worth it to be healthy than stuck in an ED. You’re doing a good job, so don’t let the stupid thoughts get to you, all right?

Keep on fighting!
1352 aliyah // Oct 16, 2009 at 1:24 pm

jen- nature is right. the way u feel in recovery is normal, but u cant deprive urself, and make ur body suffer, its not fair and its not good for you.
ur not a number,ur a person, so dont let it take over, there is so much more to life than just food. aim for helthy eating, and remember what u see in the mirror isnt a true reflection, its distorted.
u shuldnt lie about ur period, u gain nothing from it, u need to get it back, and the fact u dont have it is an important and dangerous sign, that ur body is not gettin enuff food. we alll have days when we eat a lot more, and its normal, phases like that happen in recovery. starving urself, will only mess up ur metabolism.
and remember, inr ecovery ur only REgaining weight, ur not gaining anything really except ur life back!

good luck
1353 megan // Oct 16, 2009 at 10:15 pm

hey girls!
Long time no talk I know!! Lol. How is everyone doing? Omg I can honestly say I have been doing great!! I have a bf in my life now so I belive that helps allot. And I am also too focused on school to be counting calories. But I still do feel really flabby and gross as I’ve gained ALLOTT of weight. It does hurt, knowing I cant fit into those tiny clothes again. But I think of it as a new me. I also find that somedays I eat more than others. I still sometimes binge too. I guess it is still part of the process?? I just worry that I am gonna become overweight again. I am trying to watch myself but it’s sooo hard!! I hope I don’t get obese again!! Anyway, enough of me lol. Tell me newss!!!
1354 aliyah // Oct 17, 2009 at 2:31 am

megan- heyyy!!! so happy for you! ur moving, on and im sooo happy and proud!
its good to be focused on other more important things – the bf, school, friends etc, rather than calories! way to go,
u may feel bad somedays but we all love you for you, and ur so much better off, being healtheier, than hungry and ill, and suffering.
bingeing is defo part of the process and people do it al the time, even ones with no ed’s, so dont fret about it, just listen to ur body,.
u wont get overweight, as long as u eat when u r hungey and dont deprive ur body, cause that will lead to over eating.

everythings else is good for me thanks, at uni been so busy with work, apart from that just seeing the bf, and friends etc.
got a nasty cold just now.

xx
1355 megan // Oct 17, 2009 at 8:41 am

Aliyah!
It is hard 2 believe that I am recovered. Maybe not 100% cause I know an eating disorder never does FULLY GO AWAY. But I love not having the voice haunting in my ear everytime I eat something. And you are soooo right! We have other important things to worry about in life right now. How are you doing with Ana?? Do you still restrict and count?? I am glad 2 hear u are well though! Aw, I had a cold too! Get well soon hun!! >>> sent love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
1356 aliyah // Oct 17, 2009 at 12:14 pm

aww way to go megan!its a much better place to be isnt it ?
im doing fab thanks, and no i dont restrict or count cals, i just eat when i feel like it, try to vary my diet as much as possible and thats about it.
at uni, so pretty busy with all the work, which is good, n keeps me busy!

so how long u been with this guy for? does he know about ur ana?
1357 megan // Oct 18, 2009 at 3:39 pm

ALIYAH!!
It really is a great feeling 4 sure!! I have been with him for a month now! And yes, he does know about Ana… he said that if I ever go back he wouldn’t date me because he likes girls with meat on their bones. hehe! I mean, I still have those days but I learn 2 get through them 1 step at a time! So it keeps me positive!! take care! xoxo
1358 Jenn // Oct 18, 2009 at 7:19 pm

thanks girls. i’ve been like bingeing and im totally super pissed at myself.

i think i have some worms in my body and i don’t want to get rid of them. and i know how horrible that is. i feel guuilty for feeling that wayy but i know they’ll make me skinny. im not positive i have them- just pretty sure. but on the other hand i could have an excuse to use some LAX. 0_o blechhh. that’s how i think. fun- isn’t it. i lovee [[ hate ]] myself.
1359 lo // Oct 19, 2009 at 10:19 pm

so i told my mom and sister. also my boyfriend. they are wonderful, absolutely.
I was doing better trying to ignore her(ana).
I saw i therapist for the first time ever today, i’m not really ready but i want to change. she wanted me to make goals and i couldnt yet. I’m now reading a book called Life Without ED. its wonderful so far. I really want to recomend it to everyone. its by Jenni schaeffer. I cry alot though so be prepared to not love all the words in the book. I hate amy(ana) that’s what I named her for me. I started separating her and its helping. she’s mean and annoying. tells me i’m fat constantly and weak.
i believe her. but then lo knows shes better than this.
i’ll make it.

Jenn_hunny worms can kill you please go see a doctor at least! i completely know about excuses its my constant friend. But i really don’t want you to get ill! we love you girl.:)
1360 Cynthia // Oct 20, 2009 at 4:08 am

Hello there. It’s me again. My little girl is still in the hospital. Two weeks now, but the therapists are saying she may come home tomorrow night. I am really excited to have her back home. I miss her soooo much. She has gain weight and improved her self esteem. I am a little worried thought too. Yesterday, the dentist removed all of my bottom teeth for dentures. But I have to heal and won’t get those for 6 weeks! I was told by the staff and my daughter that part of my daughters recovery will go easier at home if we eat our meals together. I am really restricted to soft foods. I am frustrated with the timing of all of this and don’t want to make it harder on her than it has to be. Grr…just need to vent my frustration a little and this is the best outlet.

Thank you to all of you for your updates. It makes me feel better to read how your progresses are coming and how you are coping with ana. Lo, my daughter has been reading that book too. She says it is really emotional and insightful. Jenn, I agree you need to make an appt and see your doctor, don’t try to diagnose yourself. You are a blessing in this world so don’t sacrifice your life.
1361 aliyah // Oct 20, 2009 at 12:34 pm

lo- well done for trying to be positive. u are gettin help, u have support and reading that book will help.just remember, to stay motivated, remind urself what ur living for, what u want in life, its not about food, life is so much more.

cynthia- hi, im aliyah. had anorexia and bulimia for 6 years and i think its really wodnerful, ur trying to help your daughter. i just wanted to say, i used to find supervised meals reallllly tough, so my advice is not to focus on what shes eating, but instead creating a comfortable atmosphere. talk about things, like how both ur days have been, any thoughts etc.
good luck, dont worry about what u can eat, explain it to her, and tell her, not to comapare and to eat till shes comfortable
1362 Kimi // Oct 21, 2009 at 11:43 am

Hello, i almost died of annorexia at 70lbs and 5 ft. 3 inches. i am about 100 lbs but everyone tells me to keep gaining. i tend to binge eat on cereal which i find to be a “trigger” food to gain weight. i get so frustrated with my weight and am so afraid of becoming obese like i once was. PLEASE HELP ME GAIN IN A HEALTHY MANNER. I have been to several hospitals and want to get treated and be able to play sports asap
1363 aliyah // Oct 21, 2009 at 12:19 pm

kimi the best way to REgain the weight u lost is to have a routine of eating. Such as a simple meal plan that u must follow no matter what.
this shud include, 3 meals, with snacks inbetween, and no matter how u feel, eat it. Bingeing on foods, especially carbs is normal in recovery, and once ur body trusts u it will stop.
you need to get to a healthy weight, a weight that will allow ur body to function, have ur period, and i promise it will get better, ur mind needs to have food and energy in order to work properly, to focus to concentrate. th eless u eat n the more u control ur food, the harder it will become, and ull risk long term damage.
once ur at a healthy weight, u need to maintain ur weight, u wont get fat

write down a list of what u want in life, what u want to gain from it, and show urself how ana is holding u back.

x
1364 Teddy // Oct 22, 2009 at 12:51 pm

*sigh* i feel like… this isn’t even about food anymore, guys \:
i’m at breaking point. I never knew you could love and hate a person so much at the same time before… but if i don’t get laura back, i’m seriously just.. finished. That would be it. I’d snap. I need my best friend to be there for me again >>;; to be honest, i wouldn’t be surprised if the place i’m meant to be is in a mental ward right now. And it’s hilarious to see everyone pass you by, as you put on a smile for them, as if nothing is wrong. They don’t have a clue :’) my parents think i’m getting better and the schoo trusts me again, because i don’t think they actually realised how bad it was in the first place… i kept it such a good secret for so long. I’m definitely not getting better. I never want to eat anything. I hate feeling like this… it’s like no one will understand, and if they would, then they wouldn’t care less about me. I’m just a person. I’m shouldn’t be of any importance ><;;
Teddy xxxx
1365 Teddy // Oct 22, 2009 at 12:54 pm

EUGHHH why is it not posting the whole post?!!!
it missed out this bit that comes before the ‘to be honest’ part and after the ‘there for me again’ part :

i see her in school getting on so well with everyone besides me.. i remember when she used to say i was the most important to her above everyone else, but not to tell them, because they’d get jealous XD … now she’s not even sure she’s my friend at all, let alone at ‘the top of her list’. I don’t know whether you’ll all quite get where i’m coming from. If you’ve ever experienced an absolute love towards someone, and an ABSOLUTE need for them to be there, and to love you as much as you do them, then you may understand where i’m coming from… no matter what she does, i can’t hate her. She’s my best friend, even if i’m not her’s.. and i really need things to go back to the way they were, and for her to know how much i miss her or i’ll… well, i don’t want to think about what i’d do. Bottom line is – i need her \: and she’s not here right now, and hasn’t been for a very very long time. In the meantime there’s other shit i have going on that’s too complicated and frustrating to even begin to explain. Someone in my position would probably be more pre-occupied with that complicated, frustrating stuff right now rather than with a person, but laura’s definitely my main priority right now. I can’t stop crying about the fact we’re not the same. I hate change. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to bother you all with this, because it isn’t fair. Lately, i don’t even feel like i want to be alive.. and i’m sorry if i’m scaring anyone – please don’t worry about me. When you’re being rejected in the harshest way by everyone you know, you’ll understand what it is to be ‘numb’. How do you know if you’re depressed without speaking to a doctor? >>;;
1366 aliyah // Oct 25, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Teddy- U ARE IMPORTANT. im soo sorry ur feeling like this, and i know exactly what it feels like to love someone unconditonaly, no matter what they do. and i can imagine how much it hurts and hor hard it is on you, but takin it out on food is not ht answer, it is not going to solve anything.
u can hide that ur not coping, for only a while, people will notice, itll become to much for you, i really think u need to go see someone, ANYone, a teacher, a doctor, anyone at all, n speak to someone because u dont deserve this in life.
u have a lot going for you, a lot to live for, and the numbness and rejection ur feeling, is sometime that will lessen with time.
time is a good healer you know, try to chin up, eat what u can and think of what u want from life.

xx
1367 nabeel // Oct 25, 2009 at 7:07 pm

i just eat tons of veggies, and fruits cuz veggies are low in calories and fruits are good anti oxidants…oh and i do the “interval training program” and in 2 weeks u will feel skinny if u do what i do. by conditioning yourself to love veggies and fruits you no longer need the big macs…and exercise makes you lose weight faster and feel better…dont stop eating for days…itll catch up to you
1368 isabella mori // Oct 25, 2009 at 8:17 pm

hi nabeel – thanks for commenting, and for your intention to be helpful. i don’t know if you noticed but this comment thread is for people who are recovering from anorexia, so losing weight is not something that we are looking for here. eating lots of fruit and veggies is, of course, always a great idea. we also find that it’s just as important to have a balanced diet, especially one that is rich in proteins, so that these lovely bodies who have been starved so long get the fuel they deserve.
1369 Nature // Oct 26, 2009 at 6:10 pm

Hi Nabeel.

It’s true that veggies and fruits are good for you, but I hope you know every human beings needs fat, protein, and carbohydrates for their body to function! It is very bad for you if cut out any of the food groups entirely.

Good day to you!
1370 jenn // Oct 27, 2009 at 6:50 pm

i got weighed at the doctor and i almost cried. i weigh a whopping 99 pounds. d.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g. i can barley look into the mirror.

i don’t want to eat.

im like so fucked up right now it’s crazy. i feel liek you guys are my only good support system. i love you.
1371 Nature // Oct 27, 2009 at 10:50 pm

Jen, hunny, don’t be so hard on yourself (I know easier said than done)!

You do NOT look disgusting, and I know how awful the feeling of not accepting your body is. We all do here! It would be just so god darn easy to love your body in a snap of a finger, wouldn’t it? But it’s so so much harder than that unfortunately.

The only way to move forward is to eat, though. You need food, and I know that you know that not eating will stop you from doing all the things you want to achieve in life. Everybody deserves to be happy, and you deserve it just as much as everybody else.

Good luck to you and take care, all right?

Nature.
1372 Hazel // Oct 28, 2009 at 8:17 am

I have been in recovery since the end of the summer. August 2009. I was sent home from college to take a health leave of absence. My weightg plunged to 89lbs and I am 5’5″. I didn’t even realize or see if in my reflection.

I found this site as I was browsing ways to find comfortable methods for slowly gaining weight after anorexia/bulimia/compulsive eating behaviors. I need help constantly.

I have progressed so much, but not enough. My weight is still fluctuating and I still continue to relapse with my binge-purge disorder. Every minute of every day is a battle with the devil.

Can people help me maintain strength? Are there other sites, blogs, etc. that have helped you?

I have been tinkering between 96lbs and 91lbs since I returned home for intensive recovery.

Yesterday, I was back down to 92.5lbs.

Should I stop weighing myself? How do I keep my life going on this way? I need to figure out a way to progress UPWARDS and not come falling down.
1373 Nature // Oct 29, 2009 at 12:37 am

Hi Hazel, welcome!

Hunny, this battle is very hard. I’ve been in recovery since around April, and even though weight wise I’m all right now, emotionally it can still be daunting.

I know one good website is somethingfishy.org, but it’s quite big! This place is more intimate and closer since there are always regular posters here so you get to know everyone a bit more well. It’s like our little group of sisters, . However, somethingfishy.org is definitely worth checking out I’d say!

I know it’s hard, but the only way to move forward is to eat well. Even just getting used to having something in your mouth at the right time in the day is a step forward. Aim for three meals a day first, and once you get comfortable with that, try to add snacks in between each meal. It’s very, very important for you to eat every few hours so your body doesn’t run out on fuel!

And yes, throw that scale away!!! You are not a number. You are a beautiful human being, and we’re ALL different. Just remember, each day you don’t eat/throw up is a day closer to death. The only purpose of the ED is to kill you. Sweety, you deserve a life. You are worth every breath you take. After you eat, sit with somebody or watch tv for half an hour. That way, your body would have gotten the nutrients from the food.

We are here for you whenever, okay?

Lots of love,

Nature
1374 Hazel // Oct 29, 2009 at 4:22 pm

This is exactly what I need. Not a large commnity like Somethingfishy. I have been on that site a few times, but I would like to become a regular somewhere. Is this site welcoming anyone like me?

Well, I really love that you posted a reply so quickly Nature – Thanks for the warm welcome.

I just got back from the hospital outpatient actually. I have to go for 5 sessions of Magnesium infusions intravenously. Has anyone else had to have this done?

My mineral levels are completely depleted. My magnesium levels are so low that even though I’m taking Magnesium orally, I need to go and get it put through my blood with an IV. I don’t know how it got down to such a dangerously low level, but at least they can help me now before any serious damage or harm came my way from this problem.

My mom was with me in the hospital. I know that I’m 21, an adult, blah blah blah… But I still feel completely young and child-like when I’m home with my family. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse. I guess everything in my life is both a blessing and a curse. Including my eating disorder.

Actually, let me say it another way. The only things I can come up with about my anorexia/bulimia is the negative effects, the curses. But the only “blessing” is that it was a wake up call to turn my life around. It was a fatal disease that I was given, but I am learning from. Every day I discover something new about me, new about my family, new about my future, new about the world. I’m trying to turn all of the negatives into bright and shiny positives that will continue to change my life around into the blessing that it is.

I want to continue communicating with everyone on this site.

Who else is a ‘regular’?
1375 nabeel // Oct 29, 2009 at 4:51 pm

hey nature and mori, i know that this is a site about recovering from anorexia, i was just trying to show that there is a healthier way to lose weight…oh and thanks about the meat thing, i forgot to mention that
1376 Nature // Oct 29, 2009 at 8:24 pm

Hey Hazel! Welcome back, .

The regulars here are usually Aliyah, Tracie, Megan, and Lauren, but there are other people who do drop by every now and then like Amy, Teddy, Lise-Ann and such. There’s also Saphire who checks this thread daily and has been here since more than a year back when this thread started!

Of course we welcome you. We welcome everybody as long as they’re nice, (not people like sissy, though, who criticize people with mental illnesses).

I never had to have IV fluids and such, but my heart rate, blood pressure, and hormone levels were messed up at first!!! The best medicine for this is food, though, and I think your doctors will want you to be able to get all the magnesium from food eventually (scary, but you’ll get there!).

It’s so good that you’re able to see the positives, though, and yes, we all have bad aspects/parts of our life. However, life itself is a blessing in my opinion so we really should make the most out of it.

Hop on in whenever you need to, all right? The other posters here are busy with university, work, and such right now I believe, but you’ll hear from them soon, too!
1377 Nature // Oct 29, 2009 at 8:27 pm

Hey Nabeel, nice of you to drop in again!

And yes, there are definitely better ways to lose weight than starving, but like Mori said, this is a recovery site so we’re all either trying to gain weight or maintain our healthy weights.

May I ask why/how you stumbled by this? Do you know somebody who’s anorexic or something like that?

Take care to all!
1378 nabeel // Oct 29, 2009 at 10:19 pm

actually, I was anorexic…but not for too long, it didnt get as bad..basically in january i was 220 lbs right, and within 3 months of not eating-or barely doing so, i had gone down to about 120…i just used to look at myself in the mirror and see fat, when i was 220…i dropped to 120 and for a while continued to lose weight by not eating, thinking that i would maintain my weight…one day i passsed out on the street and woke up in a hospital…thats where it all changed…im currently sitting at 146 which i think is ok…
1379 nabeel // Oct 29, 2009 at 10:38 pm

by the way, im a 19 year old male college student.
1380 aliyah // Oct 30, 2009 at 2:26 am

hazel- i used to purge and binge and i know how u feel, it is HORRIBLE, and its so bad for you. it got too much for me, i had anorexia too, and i know what an emotional rollercoaster it is, but hun u can do it and u can get better.
its scary to gain weight, but ur just REgaining what you lost, and if u try and eat regularly and have a snacks, ur metabolism will speed up. ifu binge and purge ur metabolism gets very messed up and its bad for you.
u shud write up a little meal plan, that uhav to follow, and stick with it.
life is about more than just food, and it will get better, trust me:)
1381 aliyah // Oct 30, 2009 at 2:28 am

nature- how r u hows school how r u doing??
im all good, going out for haloween 2moro soo excited

Nabell hi nice to meet you, im aliyah. had anorexia and bulimia and recovering now glad u chose recovery, im sureu can see how much better ur life is, when u dont have to sit and worry about food and calories!

all the best x
1382 nabeel // Oct 30, 2009 at 3:49 am

hi aliyah…ya its nice to meet u as well…can you explain a bit about bulimia? that is, if you dont mind…if it bothers you, you dontt have to…sometimes i will find myself still reading the back of labels of food, but not like stressing like like OH NO 300 CALORIES like b4. nowadays im going for a healthy diet, and i realized that once i got to 146 my metabolism was high enough to burn whatever i put in…of course this doesnt mean i pig out at mcdonalds everyday. i wish you good luck aliyah! btw what costume r u going to wear? im gona go as a thriller zombie!
1383 aliyah // Oct 30, 2009 at 4:12 am

nabeel- bulimia is horrible, its an eating disorder where in attempts to control ur food intake u mite starve urself, then binge then throw it up, or exercise obsessively or take laxatives.
i sadly used to do all of these things. it messes up ur metabolism and makes ur weight flunctuate alot as well as giving u terrible mood swings.
not nice….

a good healthy diet is the way to go, eating what u want, not depriving urself or restricitng or being obsessive about anythhing.
i dont worry about my weight anymore, or food,if i want something ill eat it, life is wyayy to short.
im 19 and a student too by the way, where u studying? what u studying if u are?
im going as a mad scientist for haloweeen haha , so excited

x
1384 nabeel // Oct 30, 2009 at 4:15 am

ya girl, you got the right mindset! um im studying community justice at sheridan college brampton canada…its a police man course…what about you? where and what are you studying?
1385 aliyah // Oct 30, 2009 at 6:50 am

nabeel- wow cool, sounds interesting
i live in scotland, in glasgow. Studying psychology, hehe. in second year of uni now
1386 Nature // Oct 30, 2009 at 12:53 pm

Oh Nabeel, that’s so horrible, !

I’m so happy that you picked yourself up together, though. Life is waaaay too short for it to be dictated by food! And Brampton, eh? Eastie, . I’m all the way in the west in Vancouver, haha.

And Aliyah, it’s so good to see you! You’re so lucky you’re going to go out for Hallowe’en! I’m working that night, but our boss is cool and we can wear costumes if we wanted to, haha! I don’t think I’m going to, though, I don’t have anything, :p.

Take care all!
1387 nabeel // Oct 30, 2009 at 4:14 pm

LOL yessir im from browntown hey aliyah can i have ur email? i think we can help each other feel better about ourselves cuz we are basically in the same situation…
1388 Hazel // Oct 30, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Hey Hazel, I’m in Vancouver too! Haha
I had another episode today. It was like my body can hold onto food ALL day in my stomach without letting it digest any further down my system, then asks me to purge it when I’m alone. It’s so wrong and it disgusts me now, but what can I do about it? I feel PHYSICALLY sick. I’m on a drug called Motilium prescribed by my7 specialist to start getting my stomach/upper intestinal muscles to act up again since I have been starving myself for so long. He said the indigestion problems and nausea should go away after taking the Motilium regularly.

I’m having gummy bears and some hot green tea now. Haha I feel like I’m 12 years old eating gummy bears again! But it’s almost Halloween! Candy time!
1389 aliyah // Oct 31, 2009 at 3:45 am

nabeel- sure thing alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com

hazel- dont purge , really ur stomch needs to get used to food, and it will in time get better i promise you. take those tablets and im sure it will all get better soon.

happy haloween x
1390 Nature // Oct 31, 2009 at 12:54 pm

Oh my gosh, Hazel! Did you mean me? Haha, we’re both in Vancouver, I can’t believe it!!!! Whereabouts in Vancouver if you don’t mind me asking?

And Nabeel, I am a woman, LOL (it would be ma’am, xD), but honestly, no biggy, .

Oh, Hazel, listen to your doctor and take those medicine tablets as prescribed. Why not try to eat food that’s easy for the body to digest? Yogurt, vegetables, fruit, and fish are all examples of easily digestible food. Try to distract yourself after each meal by watching TV, talking with your mom, or some other activity. Hope that helps!
1391 Hazel // Nov 1, 2009 at 12:02 pm

I am in West Vancouver Nature! Where are you?

I go downtown a lot though. To party and also, my eating disorder therapist lives in the heart of Yaletown on Marinaside. What a beautiful area.

I had a LOT of fun last night for Halloween. It was a crazy event at a club and I had a blast with my friends. I even found out that a guy that I’ve been crushing on (but has always been involved with another girl) broke up with his previous girlfriend, and he kissed me last night. We get along so well. Same taste in music (he’s a musician and I love his beats and mixes) and clothes and lifestyles. We both bounce around a lot and have similar ideas about how people learn about themselves and their futures. We have pretty deep conversations. His ex-girlfriend has severe depression and suffers from eating disorders. He was aware of this and tried to help her, but she never took his support.

I hope to be the exact opposite. I want to give him my support and I want him to give me his. I’m learning that human relationships are all two-way roads. You must give and receive at the same time.
1392 aliyah // Nov 1, 2009 at 12:46 pm

hazel- good for you! sounds like u had a blast, and clearly this guy sounds lovely and like he wants to support n help you, so make sur eu let him :)
dont let anything hold u back from recovery, it is not worth it. life is about living and makin it what u want, takin what u want from it, and achieveing what u want.
an eating disorder will always hold u back, because ur mind is pre occupied about food.

xxx
1393 Nature // Nov 1, 2009 at 9:54 pm

Hey girls! How are you all?

Hazel, I’m just in errr… normal Vancouver? LOL. Like if you know where Main Street is, I live like just a few houses away from it, . I go to the eating disorder clinic as an outpatient in the Children’s Hospital.

Downtown is quite nice, but I rarely go there since I’m really, really petrified of the homeless people and the drug addicts. They scare me. Either way, I’m too young to go partying and clubbing at night since I’m only 16 years old, hehe.

Aliyah, how are you doing??? Uni going well for you??? Hopefully not too stressful! How’s the weather over there? Vancouver got real lucky this year for some unknown reason, not too much rain, and I’m looovinggg it!
1394 aliyah // Nov 2, 2009 at 4:15 am

nature- im goood thanks. uni is alright i guess, bit stressful , got so much work to do.
weather here is COLLLLDDD and not very nice at all. your lucky u dont have much rain .
hows everything else? hows eating? hows the bf?

xxx
1395 Nature // Nov 2, 2009 at 9:04 am

Oh wow, you’re 16? Okay well no worries. It just means I live across the Lions Gate Bridge from you! Not too far. Main Street…. That’s Yaletown. Which is where I am headed this afternoon at 1pm actually! (My eating disorder therapist lives there. Probably just a few streets away by the ocean front!)

I’m 21 years old. Do you know how you’re recovery status is? What height/weight are you holding steady at? I hope things have been really well for you. Do you have a lot of physical and emotional support from family and friends?

Right now, my mom and dad are making my life hell and heaven. They are so supportive, but I know I’m breaking their hearts every second they have to look at my fragile body.

My mom has been with me through every therapy session, and every magnesium infusion at the hospital. My dad has been out of the country for business, but he comes home this Tuesday. Wow… that’s tomorrow. I kind of don’t want him home. I like the mother-daughter set up we have going on right now! Haha!

Okay well, I think it’s time for breakfast. I’m not hungry AT ALL. Actually, I’m never really hungry any more since I’ve started eating regular meals… I’m never hungry. But I have to force myself to sit and eat something so my mom feels happy about it too.

I might grab a coffee and nibble on toast and get my mom to scramble me some eggs! Haha

You’re right Nature – The weather in Vancouver has been fantastic. Did you have a good Halloween? I dressed up as Batman and went to this club on the North Shore. It was a fantastic night! (But a horrible hangover the next morning…)
1396 Nature // Nov 2, 2009 at 2:54 pm

Haha Hazel, it’s so funny how we get names mixed up, isn’t it? I wrote somebody else’s name in the name box before, too!

Oh, but I don’t live in Yaletown! I live on 20th Avenue, a few houses away from Main Street, but Main street does go all the way down to Downtown (if this is confusing you more, you can use Google Earth, LOL).

My recovery for my ED is pretty good. I don’t count calories, I eat whatever whenever most of the time. I’m pretty short, 5’3″, and I haven’t weighed myself in a month or so (I only get weighed in at my clinic appointments), but I’d say I’m from anywhere at 110-115 pounds. The last few weigh ins my body adamantly stuck at 112-113, and to be honest, I think my body has stabilized.

I got my period back at this weight, had two in a row, and I’m waiting for the third one. Doctors at my clinic have told me once you get three, it is more than likely that your body has trusted you and that you’ll get it every month like you should get it! So I’m having my hopes up that this third one will come!

I don’t get much support from my family members. I don’t really have a relationship with them, and we don’t talk. My mom leaves during family therapy sessions, and many a times she never came to my personal sessions, either. My dad, too, just drops me off and comes pick me up when the session is over.

And yes, once you first start eating, you won’t feel hungry. My nutritionist said that the body doesn’t bother to give out hunger cues anymore after you starve it for too long since you never listen to them. It will come back once you start eating well. Just keep your head high and know that you need this food! You really do deserve a better life!

On Hallowe’en night, I worked, LOL.
1397 isabella mori // Nov 2, 2009 at 11:14 pm

hey people – please take any new conversations over to

http://www.moritherapy.org/anorexia-talk-for-people-recovering-from-anorexia-3/

for your continuous sharing pleasure.

you people are absolutely awesome. i feel humbled and honoured that i can provide some space for you here. please continue what you’re doing, it works!!!

eventually we’ll have to think of a slightly different way to do it but to be quite honest, i keep thinking, if it works don’t fix it …
1398 Hazel // Nov 3, 2009 at 10:22 am

Isabella, thanks for listening to my comment about opening a new page for us!
1399 emma // Nov 15, 2009 at 6:56 am

hey, i am currently recovering from anorexia and i feel like i have gained so much weight i hate it my clothes feel tight and i feel like i cant stop eating .. i dont weigh myself because i think it will only mke me feel wose i get weighed once a week t the dieticians but i said i didnt want to know my weight … but because i feel i am putting on so much weight i feel like i need to do something to get it all back off ..
would be grateful if anyone would like to talk x
1400 aliyah // Nov 15, 2009 at 7:18 am

emma- hi im aliyah. welcome to the site, we are all positive here, and will help u as much as we can.
I am recovering too, quite far in recovery, and i know how u feel, i know exactly how u feel. i had anorexia for 6 years and yes the gaining weight is hardest. But think of it as you ‘REgaining’ weight that you lost, and gaining back your life.

you have to regain it back, and it may seem like ur puttin on loads of weight but really ur not, and in time u will see that, because right now ana is strong, and u still dont percieve urself how u really are.
Ur body has a set point, a weight at which it functions best at, and you have to let ur body get to it.
u wont keep gaining and gainin and never stop, it just doesnt happen, after a while ur body gets to a weight that it works best at, thats natural and you will see in time that happens.

when u feel very negative or down, just write on the forum, and think about what ur gettin fromr ecovery, ur saving ur life, ur saving urself from a life of feeling cold, obsessing over calories, thinkin about food, and harming ur body. you dont want that, and the voice will get less, because ur stronger.
all the best xx
1401 jasmin // Nov 19, 2009 at 3:31 pm

hey my name is jasmin. right now im trying to recover from anorexia.i dont eat much than once or two times a day i accepted the fact but i cant seem to be albe to tell anyone or start eating more. to me its not about gaining or losing weight just the simple fact i just dont eat much or sometimes at all.i want to stop doing that but i cant its hard for me.
1402 Nature // Nov 19, 2009 at 4:02 pm

Hey Jasmin!

I am really proud of you for taking a step towards recovery! That’s one of the hardest things to do, and you need to give yourself credit for that.

I know it’s hard to eat, but just get used to having something in your mouth at the times of day when you’re supposed to eat. Like just try for a spoonful of yogurt in the morning, a pepperoni at lunch, and a baked potato or something for dinner. If you feel like more, go for it. If you get hungry at an odd time, go for it, too! There’s plenty of good, high calorie food for snacks like nuts and cheese. Make sure that you’re hydrated all the time, too. Drink water, juice, or milk.

Keep doing your best!
1403 aliyah // Nov 20, 2009 at 2:41 am

jasmin, i know how u feel, everyone on this site does because we are all at some stage of recovery or recovered or far on. u have to see recovery as REginain back the weight u lost. Ur body is amazing, and it has a weight that is ideal for it, and u have to let urself get to it, u will prevent urself from damaging ur bones, ur fertility and u wontfeel so cold and miserable.
yes its very hard to eat, but u need to do mechanical eating, set urself rough times u need to eat, so say breakfast lunch and dinner at certain times and u eat it no matter how u feel, whatever u can manage . Food is ur medicine, not ur enemy. Eat things u like the taste of, treat urself, and i promise u things will get better, it will take time.
you should try to tell someone, close family, a frend ateacher anyone, but if u feel u cant yet, just write on this forum, well all help you
stay strong, ur not alone, and u will not get fat by eating, u will get healthy!

xx
1404 You can do it // Nov 20, 2009 at 9:45 am

Hello,
I came across this website on the off chance, but after reading all of these people messages I really wanted to enter something myself… Well I dont know how I developed my Anorexia… But it did become very bad… I went down to a weight where I was unable to think, unable to be happy… I would snap at my mm and my boyfriend constantly (how they put up with me I will never know), I was ever so tired and lathargic and couldn’t move very much , but at night I coulnt sleep, I was a talking skeleton and in bed my bones dug in to the mattress and eventually I began getting cuts and bleeds from where my bones were rubbing on the mattress…

I started taking laxitives every day and this became a problem when I wasnt near a toilet… needless to say, it was very embarrasing.. I constantly thought of food, ate about 300 calories a day, exercised for atleast an hour a day (and if I had eaten “a bit too much” the previous day I would take the day off work sick, just to exercise as much as I could). I lost contact with all my friends, as I couldn’t be around people, I didn’t have space for socialising with everyone… if I did, I wouldnt be focused and wouldnt have time to exercise! I had fits, palpatations, headaches, bruising… in the summer i was cold and wore a jacket and scarf, while everyone else were in tshirts and bikinis… Id panic when i knew food was near me… id start breathing quickly and stuttering as i refused that one small chocolate… (the chocolate i believed would cause me great harm!)

I went to the doctors one day about 3 years ago, where she asked me many question and said I was going to be refered to an eating clinic…

Then the day came where I was refered to the clinic… I went along and was petrified (after cancelling the appointment 3 times i finally went)… She asked me question upon question, weighed me, looked back on my history… and i cried… The thing that made me realsie what i had done to my body, She said to me, if i loose anymore weight i will be hospitalised, and will probably die… i had got that bad… I went very regulary to see her, and she was wonderful… we went over many things, my mum and i realised that we were both keeping things from the past and it made it easier for us to let go… I was gaining weight at a good rate… having 3 meals and 3 snacks… and then i decided i was going to leave the clinic, although i hadnt reached my goal, i thought i was strong and wuold do it all on my own!

Well after leaving the clinic i went down hill, and began loosing alot of weight again… clothes began to become loose again! no energy, moody, not being able to sleep… the LOT!!! and then i looked in the mirror one day, and i saw the girl 3 years prior… The anorexic me had come back again, and was taking control…i decided i cant let it…

So now i am trying again! I havent reched 8 stone yet (weighed myself today and i am 7st 12) but my aim is to get there… sometimes i feel like i am going to burst and panic… OMG i am fat, i look ugly, but if i am honest the memory of what i used to be before i was gripped by anorexia, that is an attractive image, the one most recently, well it just isnt..

I have an amazing support network, since going to the clinic, both my mum and boyfriend have a major understanding of the illness, and encourage me, and remind me “perhapsit is time you ate something”…

All i can say, i know i am not there yet, i have a long way to go, and i dont honestly think anyone with anorexia will ever get rid of it… it is apart of you that you have to deal with… just like having a certain colour eyes, it is a part of you… but being strong means you can beat it and control it… Everyone is worth more that this… it does destroy your life if it goes too far!!! So be strong… YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE LIFE ANOREXIA IS WILLING TO GIVE!!! I have realised that there is more to life, and although i have my bad days and good days (no matter who you are wether suffering from a disorder or not you will have them), i prefer how i feel now i see my friends, my family is happy, me and my boyfriend can go do things on the spur of the moment and not think i am too weak or it is too cold… I am sorry i have babbled i just wanted to write my story and i really hope this helps others… JUST keep going, and my best advise is talk to some in the first instance… An eating disorder is a very lonely place… if you dont ask for help, you may be lonely for a long time…
PLease take care of yourselfs x
1405 jasmin // Nov 20, 2009 at 3:00 pm

thanx
-for your support and advice. i feel comfort to know im not alone. i will get better i will keep writing in the forum -
for my new found hope.
-jasmin
1406 Michelle // Nov 20, 2009 at 7:53 pm

Hi Everyone,

This seems like a really great place. So many message boards can be so volatile when it comes to talk about e.d’s… this seems like a helpful place to talk about these issues. Thanks everyone for sharing your stories/struggles/successes.

Since I’m in a relatively good place, I’d like to say a word or two to all those who are struggling/in recovery but still a ways away:
FUCK THE MEDIA. Just, DON’T LISTEN TO THOSE FUCKERS. (sorry for the language) It is all for money, they are vultures who prey on low self esteem and take advantage of those who are susceptible to internalizing fake ideals and setting unrealistic, unhealthy goals. Personally, I want to INSPIRE RECOVERY in those I talk to, that’s one of the things that have kept me going. I don’t want to perpetuate this cycle, I don’t want to be another cog in this killing machine. There is strength in my mind, my body, my spirit… just like there is in yours. Strength to stand up to anybody who tells you that YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Fuck them. Disregard them, they’re weak and feebleminded. Don’t lose sight of the most important thing about human existence: that IT IS FINITE. We will die. I personally do not want to die having lived my life in a black hole of self-destruction and self-hatred. These attitudes are so so so damaging, so futile. LOVE. Love others, love yourself, find passion, find strength and USE IT.

*phew* sorry if that was offensive or harsh. I have very strong opinions.

As for why I’m here: I guess I just needed to vent, so I searched for helpful things on the internet (while avoiding triggering things like the plague they are) and stumbled here.

A bit of background: I’m 19 years old and come from a functional family background/childhood. I didn’t really develop eating disordered behavior until age 12, but I’ve been struggling with terrible body image, depression and bouts of self harm for about 10 years. I’ve been in day programs twice (once when I was 13, and once when I was 17) and since the second time I’ve been ok. I haven’t self harmed in 2 years (but do bear some pretty numerous, brutal, and visible scars… that’s another story.)

So, now: I’m in my second year of university and I guess things have been more stressful than the norm, so I have been regressing. I still live at home and commute to school so I have a healthy breakfast and dinner at home, which is great, but recently I have been restricting more and more. I just tell myself, “I can do without this food,” and discard or ignore many of the snacks/meals that I take with me to school, and don’t buy anything for lunch. It’s not too drastic at this point, but I walk a lot downtown (Union Station to University of Toronto and back, if you know Toronto at all… about 30 minutes one way), though it’s not necessarily a huge amount of excersize.

ANYWAYS I thought I’d post something here because I needed to confess to someone that I’d been having these thoughts and exhibiting these behaviours again recently. I DO NOT want to go back to where I was, AGAIN. Tonight I kind of ate more than I usually do (I don’t like to use numbers but…) about 2000 calories today, which is a bit more than usual… but I guess since I do a fair amount of excersize, it’s ok? Hah, I guess I just need some reassurance. I’m trying to tell myself that I’m doing the right thing, but (as you allll know), it DOESN’T FEEL like the right thing. It feels like the worst thing in the world.

So basically I just needed to get this out there (wherever there is). I wish everyone who is struggling with their e.d the strength and willpower to battle this DEMON. Thanks for reading.
1407 aliyah // Nov 21, 2009 at 2:38 am

michelle- hi there!
thanks for sharing. This is really a great site and everyone is supportive. I too am 19, and in second year uni, and im at a late stage of recovery from anorexia, which i developed at 12, and ive syruggled with bulimia too most of my teengae years.

I know when its stressfull its easy to restrict, and control, and u cant let urself do that. u need to eat healthy and well, ur body needs all it can get , and u want ur brain to function well for uni!
and like u said u do not want to go back to where u were, and that means NO restriciing, no deciecing urself, u have to eat well, even write up a mini meal plan to encourage you. its very easy to get obsessive about anything, especially controllin food and exercise, so when u feel urself doing it, stop and ask urself, what ur achieving by doing it.

can i ask what ur studying at uni?
happy and healthy

xxx
1408 aliyah // Nov 21, 2009 at 2:39 am

p.s. 2000 cals is what u shud be having each day ! anything less is not good, so stick to it!

xx
1409 battle field // Nov 23, 2009 at 6:12 pm

Ok so this is really random for me… i just randomly found this site and its amazing that there is just somewhere to go to just talk and help each other through… i dont usually like to talk about this much but i feel as though here i wont be judged… so im 17 and this year has been a bit of a struggle for me. i guess it all started when i was about 13 when i began restricting etc… it started of innocently as always and started to go down hill eventually and finally ended with me eating nothing and exercising alot… but in the last year and a half was when i lost a majority of my weight and mid this year was when my parents decided to take me the doctor and find some help… since then i lost more weight (putting my BMI at 15.2) because i started throwing up the food that i was being fed (i havnt thrown up since last week which is a step forward). im doing weekly weigh in’s, blood tests and are attending these meetings while im on the waiting list at a eating disorders association. and so im in a bit of a struggle… there is a part of me that wants to get better and a part of me that doesn’t and it feels like my mind has become a battle ground of these two different people… i know im under weight but i dont ‘feel’ underweight which makes me want to go back to restricting or purging whatever i have eaten… i feel drained from this whole situation and i want to go back to dance and all the activities i used to do before this all started and the doctors forced me to stop any physical activity… its hard because this has been my way of life for so long and im scared of who i’ll be without it… i want to get better but every time i try i end up feeling guilty and horrible and a voice pops into my head telling me that im giving up to easily and my desire to be thinner perks up again. i will have some days when i eat good and normally and then one morning i will wake up and all of a sudden its like ‘i am’ the eating disorder and i go back to my old ways (which gets me nowhere because i then lose the weight i just put on). this whole year has revolved around my ED and i can see how drained my family is from it all as well. but i cant get away from it and usually the want to be thin over rides the want to get better. i feel quiet faint at times and my body is aching, i get pains in my chest and i am apparently unattractively thin (yes people actually say this too me). there is no one in my life that actually understands what a battle it is-i dont think they know how loud and alive the voice in my head is. but reading this site…its really good to know that there are others dealing with this too and that im not completely alone in this world… sorry if i rambled on… its just the first time ive actually spilled out all my thoughts on this to anyone. so thanks for listening.
1410 Nature // Nov 24, 2009 at 12:51 am

Hey there battle ground.

I completely understand what you’re going through. It reminds me of myself almost a year back, and it’s really an awful feeling.

I just want to tell you that you deserve to be able to dance and to be happy. The voice that pops in only wants to kill you. Remember, you are making a step towards the happy you each time you say, “No, I’m not listening to you,” when the voice comes in. It is the only way to move forward. It’s the only way you’ll become healthy and be able to dance again.

You’re always welcome to come here whenever you want or need to. I wish you the best!

Nature
1411 aliyah // Nov 24, 2009 at 11:12 am

battle ground-
everyone on this site understands where u are coming from.
I know how u must be feeling, stresed otu, miserable, cold unhappy, but not sure ifu want to get better. ur scared of gaining weight, u feel bad when you eat…. and so on
but trust me RECOVERY is the way foward, all u have to do is REgain weight u lost, and try to have a healthy relationship with food. you should try mechanical eating, where you eat at certain times of the day no matter what.

think of what u want in life, what u want to achieve, and i know deep down you know that an eating disorder is going to ALWAYS hold you back in life.

i suggest you do some thinking, what do you want in life, u want to be happy, im sure. and restriciting purging etc is not the answer.

I got anorexia at 13, and suffered with it and bulimia most of my teenage years and i spoiled so much for myself, and now im happy, i can eat and focus on the important things in life.

healthy and happy. its not about how u look, its about how u feel inside.

be strong, u are not alone
x
1412 battle ground (Amy) // Nov 24, 2009 at 5:08 pm

Thank Nature and Aliyah. from what i see on this site you two are really supportive of everyone and seem to have a pretty good understanding of what everyone is going through… yesterday was just ‘one of those days’ when everything caught up with me and because i was alone it probably made things worse which lead to me focusing on my weight etc. and feeling bad for any progress i made the last few days (feeling massive and guilty). So i have a weigh in today and because i have been given the responsibility of making my own food this week, if i have put on weight i am aloud to continue with doing it ‘my’ way, otherwise mum is going to take over and start bringing me food that i cant even bare to think of. a moment ago When the voice piped up saying that “i was giving up to easily by putting on weight” i replied with “no, this is me fighting”. This site is amazing… its good to know that when im having an off day i can come here and keep myself occupied enough to distract myself from my own thoughts. thanks.
1413 Nature // Nov 25, 2009 at 12:34 am

Hey there Amy!

It’s soooo good that you were able to say no to the voice. That just shows that you are able to beat this stupid disease! I totally understand what you mean about “one of those days”. I get those days at times for my anxiety/depression (sometimes for my eating, but not so much anymore), and it’s SO annoying. You’re feeling all right one moment and then KABOOM, you feel so awful.

Just remember that everybody needs food, and it’s what keeps us healthy and alive! It’s great that they’re allowing you to choose what you want to eat since you definitely don’t want to have a feeding tube or be force fed with a bunch of stuff you don’t normally like. Just keep your head up, you’re doing an awesome job.
1414 aliyah // Nov 25, 2009 at 4:32 am

amy- totally, we are all here to support and help you in any way!
i used to HATE weigh ins, and listen regaining weight is a good thing! its a step towards life, health and a step AWAY from problems that eating disorders can cause.
Your doing urself good, by eating well, and be proud of yourself. It can be frustrating wih other people around u , weighing u, and u may feel like ur being judged and not treated right, but remember theyre here to help you.
and trust me, eat well, ur metabolism will speed up the more u eat, and dont ever hold back on anything. ifu feel like a little binge its normal! if u crave something , give into it! lifes too short to make urself huingry and miserable.

healthy and happpppppt
1415 amy // Nov 25, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Its so horrible, its such a bitch of a disease. When i was younger i remember seeing and hearing of eating disorders and thinking how stupid it all sounded and i even remember promising i would never do anything like that–ironic huh? and now look where i am. the moment i admited to myself i had a problem was after i started crying because of food–CRYING. like was actually terrified of food… which i still kind of am (not to the point of crying) but still… so weigh in yesterday was ‘good’… i have gained which means i can still be in control of my own food–yay i can at least feel healthy lol. everyone was really happy… i never realized how much of a relief me gaining weight was to everyone… my mum literally was jumping up and down… but to me it feels less than great as you all can probably relate to. but im thinking of it as ‘its for my friends and family, not just for me’ sort of thing so that way i can push the idea of feeling guilty or fat out of my head and focus on be healthy again. this all started at the start of the year… and because i lost weight throughout the year instead of gaining ive only just now gotten back up to where i was when it started… and i know now that its going to get harder because im gaining weight that i have been without for years. however i have so many things that i ‘need’ to gain the weight back for… i have my camp for my last year of school and for me to go i need to get my weight up. i also will be aloud to start up my fitness activities again when i gain. i have dance (its my final year of dance next year)…so im terrified, but determined… im just glad i found this site now… you will possibly be hearing from me a lot, you might just get sick of me. lol
1416 Nature // Nov 25, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Hey Amy, we’ll never get sick of you!!! You’re always welcome here, .

It IS good that you gained some weight. That’s just showing that you’re able to beat this, and on the plus, you get to decide your own meals (which is also good). So give yourself a lot of credit for this! You’re doing really well!

I can totally understand where you’re at since I started having my ED at 14, and just lost weight instead of gaining each year like every teenager was supposed to so I had to get back to the weight I was at 14 + some more. It feels really uncomfortable and odd at first, but it’s definitely worth it. Just keep your head up high, you’re doing fabulous, and as long as you keep it up you’ll be able to do dance, camp, and all the things you want to.
1417 aliyah // Nov 26, 2009 at 2:31 am

amy- just like nature said we will not get sick of you, we all know how it feels, how frustrating it can be.
And i know its hard to dealw ith, and u will have bad days, where u just wanna give up, but you have to get past them, and better times will come i promise.
Liek u said urself there, u have things to get better for, focus on those! especially when u feel bad. And trust me when i say u wont get fat,i used to think that all the time, i was so scared of it, but after time irealised hey im eating, im eating well, and im, not fat.
ur weight will stabailise, thats the natural thing ur body does so dont worry !

just think of food as ur medicine just now xxx
1418 You can do it // Nov 26, 2009 at 8:53 am

Hello, i came on here not long ago and wrote down my story, and i have noticed that it is getting quite popular now… and after reading peoples blogs, i have noticed you are all in America… well i am in the UK… and i dont know it you will know about the story that is in the news papers today… welll it is a story that is very close to home and i thought id share it with you… Kind of so we know what could happen.. .
Well in the paper, the girl has been suffering from Anorexia for a little while and she was under 7 stone (sorry i dont know what that is in any other weight..) and i was under 6… and she was at Uni, and A Grade student, doing so well, and the pictures of her, she was very pretty, like most of you are (which i saw when i was at the clinic, and my mum said when she would come with me)… But unfortunaltey recently she has been found dead in her bed… her potasium levels were too low, due to her restricting and her body just gave up on her…
The thing that scares me is i was worse than this, and i am nearly 8 stone now (should be ATLEAST 9.5stone) and that could have been me… she could barely walk, that was me, she couldnt sleep, that was me, she was very unwell to say the least, that was me… This poor girl could have been me… I was where she was but i was just a lucky one… And i am sure none us would like to really have that happen to us…. we are worth more, and it isnt a life, it isnt fun, its tirng and scary…
Like “nature” said… when putting the weight back on feels odd at first… this is ever so true… i am putting it on slowly… and sometimes, i just want to burst out crying and give up as i feel so FAT, i dont like the way my body is changing… But i am a 22 year old woman with a tenagers body, i look like a child rather than a feminine woman… i am not the curvy woman yet, but i will be… when i look in Mags sometimes i still think yeah that skinny model, i wish i was like that, and then i turn the page and a see a more curvy healthy looking girl… and now i think she looks glowing and full of life… to me the majority of the time i want to aspire to that fuller figure girl…
And yes it is very true your body needs food to survive, that is its energy source… without it… it cant keep going! So no matter what that voice says you need to make sure you eat… i had many fits, my bones ache a lot now and have a hunch so my back aches as trying to sit more stargiht.. and these are all traits of an ED! But now i am healthy, well getting there…
My healthy weight is far away, but where i am now is so much better to where i was…
Anna (rexia) will always be there… she will never leave you… But learning to say no to her, and doing what is right for you rather than her… thats how you are going to have a happyier life…
And Amy… You are doing so welll, you know you can do it, and you know you have the disorder ( admiting it is always that is always the first step)… and doing well one day is better than none at all… just try and push it each week… and when you start panicking go do something… Move your room around, do some ironing, ring a friend… even grab a hug from your family or friends… these helped me…
I wish you all the best and i hope you will be ok! Just hang in there! xxx
1419 aliyah // Nov 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm

you can do it- hiiya
im in the uk! one of the few haha. where abours u from?

thanksk for sharing, u hangin there too.
lifes better without an ed, i realise how much it held me back. im happier now, i can enjoy food and enjoy life

x
1420 Amy // Nov 27, 2009 at 3:17 am

its so great to hear others experiences, stories and their determination and success of recovery.–Im from New Zealand? any one else on my side of the country? >.< thank you all for the support i had no idea so many would comment back to me…
1421 amy // Nov 27, 2009 at 3:19 am

sorry what i meant to say was #any one on my side of the world?#-not country.
1422 Nature // Nov 27, 2009 at 3:50 am

Hey everyone, how’s it going??

It’s really nice to hear everyone’s story like Amy said. It really feels like we’re not alone.

I’m in Canada so nope, not on your side of the world, ):.
1423 aliyah // Nov 27, 2009 at 4:07 am

amy- hiii haha, im from the UK – scotland. so im pretty far away!
hope ur well, you are not alone, always remember that. happpy eating

Nature- how have u been? hows work and everything/
im all goood, just got exams soon, so been pretty stressed out

xox
1424 You can do it // Nov 27, 2009 at 6:43 am

HI All,

Wow sounds like everyone is from everywhere in the world lol… Alliyah… I am from Hampshire… (completely the opposite side of the UK!)…

Alliyah… what exams are you taking (what are the subjects you are taking?) Good luck with them… I am no good with exams… give me an essay any day… My mind goes blank in the exam room! lol…

It looks like there are some reaflly friendly people on here, and it is nice to know that what you could say, you could help someone… and Visa Versa But here in the UK it is Friday… So Yay… Nearly the weekend…

Anyway Take care everyone… and all the best.

xx
1425 aliyah // Nov 27, 2009 at 9:46 am

you can do it-
my exams involve psychology, and genetics and physiology and stats.
my main interest is psychology though
what about you?

i prefer essays too, my psyhclology exam is essays, i jus dont like the time limit haha

what u doing this weekend?
1426 Nature // Nov 27, 2009 at 3:55 pm

Hey all.

I’m rather really sleepy right now for some unknown reason. It didn’t help that my dad dragged me out of bed to make me unplug my computer out and carry it all the way downstairs + made me go buy paint with him right after, -.-. I don’t think he still understands how important it is for me to eat breakfast first BEFORE doing anything like this.

Anyway, even though I’m rather annoyed, I’m doing relatively well. I have to make sure I eat better, though. I was doing a really good job last month, but recently it’s becoming wishy washy since I don’t really have a structured routine. I guess we all have to take a moment for ourselves and get what we need, eh?
1427 shelby // Nov 30, 2009 at 6:40 pm

ok well over the past few monthes iv restricted my food intake sometimes going up to 3 days w/o food while exercising…..

im 14 5’3” and last time i got weighed i was 84 pounds
i used to weigh myself everyday but my mama threw out my scale

anyway she finally took me to get help and iv talked to this dude like twice and he just told me to eat what i can until the next time we meet which is next friday
iv really been tryin im up to about 300 calories a day this other chick told my mom to make me drink ensure but i refused but she got these special k protein shakes she gets me to drink because i know i need to but i feel so bloated afterward
i have an appointment w/a nutritionist dec 7th but the thing is i was told last friday that i weighed 84 pounds and that if i got down to 75 i have to by law be sent inpatient somewhere and my mama has been threatening to send me in early since i wont eat loads of food but i really cant

and before i had weighed like 87 and i didnt even try to lose weight and i went back to the doctor and i was 84… i had been eatin a dinner every night too

anyway today is thanksgiving and i had a little lunch at my gmas my moms workin late and i drank a shake but im afraid of gainin fat from the shake its got 180 calories and 45 from ‘healthy’ fat

id wanna lose anymore weight but idk how much i weigh w/o a scale but then again i want to be healthy but i cant get myself to eat!!?????

soo confused does anyone know what i could do or what a nutritionist would do????
1428 Amy // Nov 30, 2009 at 9:47 pm

Hi Shelby.
Im recovering a the moment and i was really stubborn to change and terrified of food in general like you are (i still am at times).
Its good that you have come here to talk. and the fact that you want to be healthy is a step forward. but the fact is that to live happy and healthy you need to gain. you are so young as well and the best of your years are ahead of you and trust me you dont want to spend it constantly worried about food and weight. My ED started at 13 14 years old and it ruined my teenage years. this disease isolates and destroys you. what i have realized just recently is that either way i was going to have to gain weight (my BMI was extremely low and i was very sick and i had lots of people running around taking care of me) and so i took control of my food management and ate food that i felt ok eating and in small frequent portions that was enough to make me gain but without making me feel sick. eating only 300 calories a day is very low and if your still exercising its not enough to make you healthier. if you are really determined to beat this thing you should take control and do it in a way that you are comfortable e.g. eating small snacks frequently is a good way to trick yourself into thinking you are not eating HEAPS. it is really hard as i am going through this recovery stage too and i have ‘Off’ days were i fall back into old habits. but you need to know that beating this is going to make your life better. You will be much happier, healthier and your friends and family will also be so relieved and happier knowing that you can live. this disease isnt worth sacrificing your life which eventually is what it will take. living with AN (anorexia) for 4 years of my life has taken so much from me. and i would hate it to happen to anyone else.

when you feel tempted to lose more weight think of what else you could lose. Yor life, your friends/family, your happiness, your hobbies, your dreams. eating disorders wont stop till they have taken everything from you. some time in your life you will be able to help someone with a ED because you would have experienced it and know how they are feeling… and wouldn’t it be great to be able to say that you bet it and came out a stronger person?

Be Safe. Be Happy. Be Healthy.
1429 Amy // Nov 30, 2009 at 9:54 pm

–sorry adding to what i said above… (i know im babbling again) sorry. but also if you feel sick after eating distractions are good. listen to music, call a friend, watch a film, do whatever you enjoy that will take your mind of it. this will make you feel happy and also it will distract you from your own thoughts. coming here also helps me when i start to feel like that. and you just write down whatever you want. the people on this site are real understanding and dont judge so feel free.
1430 aliyah // Dec 1, 2009 at 2:33 am

nature hope ur ok! yeh but sometimes no structure is good! eat well, be happy

shelby-hi there. i know how u feel, your scared cause u dont want to put on weight. but remember u need to REgain back the weight u lost. a nutrionist will help you make up a meal plan that u can follow. it;ll be good for you, and important. Life is not about restricting, and once u get used to food ur stomach wont bloat as much i promise.
try to eat what u can, dont be scared of shakes because ur body needs all it can get.
and food is the medicine, so when u find it hard jus tell urself that and eat. and enjoy the taste! thats what food is for.

amy-how r u? how have u been doing? all good i hope. healthy and hapy !

xx
1431 shelby // Dec 1, 2009 at 3:01 pm

thanks yall im glad i found a place to vent a little i mean i have a close friend i talk to and she is pretty understanding but i dont think she can understand everything because its just something shes never dealt with….

im not really comfortable eating anything…. except vegetables in small amounts…..

i feel like my stomach is sucking all the fat out of the shake ands just gonna leave it on my stomach”/
cause isnt that what ur body does when it finally gets food or whatever??

idk but it feels wierd to have something IN me
1432 Amy // Dec 1, 2009 at 9:26 pm

Aliya-yes things are alright. i think that because i have started to regularly eat at certain times its helped me not feel so disgusted in myself. i am steadily and slowly gaining which has relieved alot of tension between my family which im glad. Its good to see them happy again. i still have rough moments when i hate all the progress i made and im tempted to go back to old habits but i think by mind is starting to kick in again and help me see sense. Ive got a bit more energy and apparently i have a spark in my eye again… and if i continue to make progress i can start up my fitness and start preparing for my big hike when i go on camp next january. im just not aloud to be excessive and start exercising heaps again…. but im now on fortnightly blood tests instead of weekly so im not being jabbed as much thank gosh!!! all is well. lets hope it stays that way. Healthy and Happy.
1433 Amy // Dec 1, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Shelby-At first it feels like that but if you keep at it and keep telling yourself that you physically need it (which you do) your body will get used to it. Because you have eaten so little for ages your stomach has shrunk which will make even small meals seem huge!. you just need to slowly get yourself used to it. everyday add a little but extra to ur serving size… it doesnt have to be a huge jump from eating nothing to eating giant portions… everyday just add a bit more-this will help stretch ur stomach to a normal healthy size and will decrease the feeling of being bloated. a fact i have also recently discovered is that your stomach isnt the only thing that shrinks when you restrict food. your other organs also shrink that means your heart and your brain which is one of the reasons this disease is so dangerous.

everytime you feel sick or go back to restricting say to yourself that this is you being strong, brave and mature. you need to fight this thing with everything you have otherwise it will take away your life. you need to really dedicate yourself and gain yourself back… this ED isnt who you are. without it you are so much better off.

Remember that you arent alone… i myself am going through exactly this and feel exactly how you do… i wish i had never let this get to where it has. Im on lots of medication, i am attending heaps of meetings, i am at the docotors on a regular bases and blood test are frequent which really does suck being stabbed with needles all the time. and whats worse is that i am going to start seeing counselors to talk about my…. issues. its not a fun life. nor is it a normal one. and every person deserves a happy healthy life. its worth fighting for. trust me.

Be safe. Be healthy. Be happy
1434 aliyah // Dec 2, 2009 at 1:46 am

shleby- no its really not like that. the fat in the shakes is used for energy! and all the nutrients in food is used to repair damage that ur body has due to starvation.
yes it feels weird, and it will for a while because ur not used to it, but its a good sign and stick with it.
eating more will get easier, i promise. you have to stay strong, and not give in, do not restrict and hold urself back.
i have been thru this, and honestly the best bit of advice i have is to eat regularly, and eat with people cause if ur eating alone it makes it much harder.

amy- im so happy ur eating regularly! and like u said ur slowly REgaining some weight, way to go. and it will get easier, its not easy eating i used to absolutely hate it at the begninning, but its a phase of recovery and u will get thru it just keep thinking of what u have to live for, and what u want in life and how u cannot let food hold u back.
dont feel disgusted feel proud. and when u do feel disgusted come and vent on this or write it down, dont take it out on urself or on foood.
healthy n happy
1435 You can do it // Dec 2, 2009 at 3:43 am

Hi All…
Just wanted to drop a few lines…

Shelby, I read what you put, and you are exactly where I was a little while back… it is very frightening… But you are so young… I think mine started when I was quite young… i am now 22 and have been in recovery for about 2 years… it seems very scary, and the voice inside your head punishes you for that small amount of food you eat… and untill you know you have somehow got rid of the food you have just eaten, the voice will not go quiet… but you do have to dull it.. That voice is never going to stop until it kills you, unless you do something about it now… I ended up going to therapy and eventually I was discharged… I had a few fall backs but now I am aiming to eat 2500 calories per day… I know what you are thinkning that would be impossible, and i never in a millions years would have thought about that… the less the batter!! but I started like you, addin perhaps a few calories a day… adn yes, your stomach is going to ache, im sorry my lovely… there is no beating around the bush.. .you will prbably feel quite sick and slugiish for quite a while… i do everyday at the moment… and feel just as tired as i did when i was ill… because i am bloated… but my hair is growing back thick again, my face is filling again, my body is still boney, but i do look better, i feel better, and i can sleep again… im not having fits and i feel healthier… i am going to have another year perhaps of this untill i get to my target weight, but it is a whole lot better than the other option that would have been available had i let that voice in my head control my life… You are so young… and you are going to miss out on so much…

My advise is dont push your self too hard to start with… if you need to do exercise then go for a slow walk… try and add more calories to your diet slowly, and take a week to get used to the added calories, then ad some more… When you do get to an amount where you start putting the weight on (which i know will freak you out, but you need to… youre very unhealthy the way you are, and the weight is a good thing although you may not feel like it)… your body will change… things may feel bigger and things may wobble a bit, but you can tone that up later on…the main thing is getting your weight up… and something i dont think people know… your organs inside your body are going to be very damaged by what this illness makes us do… When we restirct our bodys it is so true it starts eating itself… and our organs (on a normal weighted body) has fat surrounding it, for the pure fact to protect them… when you get to such a low weight this protection wont be there, so you may not notice that you are gaining weight for a little while as your body will be repairing itself first (from the inside then out) but dont give up and think you are doing it for nothing that you are not seeing any change… there are changes, just ones you cant see…

Dont give up… Id hate to see anyone the way i was… I dont understand why we get it and how it can control us so much… but be strong, and think “do i want this life”? I certainly do not now… my life is so much better… it takes a long time, but i can slowly see that the benfits are worth the hard work…

I am nearly at Friday and i am hoping going to be 8 stone… Fingers crossed didnt reach it last week… But cant stop then… as they say size 10… the perfect number…

Alliyah… wow, sounds like you are studying some amazing subjects… i did psychology at college a few years ago.. and i adored it.. .would love to do more, but havent got the time… will make time when i am sorted i think… How are you anyway… I was wondering, and hope you dont mind me asking, but i know you are in a good stage of the recovery… how long did it take you? know we will never get rid of this, but i know how to control it now… and i guess it is the same with you… Hope all the exams went ok… but thank goodness they were essays.

All my love, please stay well

xxx
1436 aliyah // Dec 2, 2009 at 4:09 am

hiya you can do it. yeah im at a late stage in recovery, it took me a long time cause i had eating disorders since i was 12. but really i got tired of the way i was living, i wanted to go out and be able to enjoy food. i would say over the last year ive truely got better cause i dont restrict i dont count cals and i dont obsess about food. i can go out and eat it and not think’im fat’.
i also want to have a good career and do well at uni, so i dont have time to waste over food worries which i know are lies!

i think over time ill truely dispear, its about frame of mind, and positive thinking too. we all have bad days , just cant take it out on food, cause it doesnt solve anything!

hope ur well.

x
1437 shelby // Dec 2, 2009 at 2:20 pm

thanks for all of ur advice….

according to my mom im not eating enough i had some soup and a little bit of baked chicken last nite and it wasnt much and i know that and she threw me on this scale she got to see if i had lost weight it said 81 and i tld her ur weight flucntuates but she went off threatenin to put me in the hospital since i wont eat she was like what are u tryin to prove and why cant u be normal and tellin me im doin nothing to help myself…….. i cant stand being here w/ her i know shes concerned but damm she had me ballin

what would it be like if i had to stay in patient??
1438 Nature // Dec 2, 2009 at 5:31 pm

Hey everyone! So sorry that I can’t keep up, but I want to say hi to everybody once again, hehe.

Shelby, I know you’re at a hard place right now, but trust us, as long as you keep taking small steps forward, you’ll get through this.

In an inpatient program, you will be living in the hospital with other people who have EDs as well, and you’ll have meals together. Each place is slightly different, but most make you have three meals and three snacks a day. It is A LOT of food, and you’d probably be eating close to 3000 calories a day. The place will also have psychologists, doctors, therapists, and other staff members there to give you support and sessions to help you, and they’ll also check up on your weight, blood pressure, temperature, etc. to make sure you’re getting better.

I’ve never been into one, but they have asked me to consider it and what I know is what they have informed me of it before. Do you meet with a doctor? If so, you can ask him to get more information about the facility. It could possibly help you. Just know that this is about you and what you can do that is positive in a comfortable way.

Good luck, and take care of yourself!
1439 someone? // Dec 2, 2009 at 6:16 pm

question- will my stomach bloating ever go away?? it makes me feel so fat and worthless. help?
1440 Nature // Dec 2, 2009 at 9:58 pm

Yes, it will, but you should make sure you drink lots of water and eat well because if you stop eating and try again, your stomach will get bloated all over again! The only way for it to not bloat anymore is for you to keep eating so that it will get used to the food again. You just have to keep on going forward. You can do it, don’t give up!
1441 aliyah // Dec 3, 2009 at 1:36 am

someone- yes ur bloating will go away. its happening becauseur body is not used to food. u the best way is to eat regularly so ur stomach gets used to food, and to have lots of stuff like natural bio yoghurt, it will help. stick with it, ur not worthless

shelby- ino it can be really frustrating, with parents sometimes, i used to have big arguments with mines. You could go to inpatient, i never went so idont know what its like, but if u feel u cant eat enough then u shud check it out.
But if u dont want to, then eat more, listen to the parents advice, cause they want u better, and u want u better, and sometimes the voice is too powerful.
but try to talk to ur mum, explain how u feel, cause they dont know what its like to have that voice in ur head

xxx
1442 shelby // Dec 3, 2009 at 2:34 pm

i know she wants me better she wont eat normal in front of me it makes me soo mad cause i told her she could ughh

i know not eating is why i feel shitty and tired and COLD all the time but like….

how do i get warm no matter how many layers i wear im cold cold cold

and is it normal to feel ur heart racee alot?
is it dangerous??
i cant even jog anymore because my chest
1443 aliyah // Dec 3, 2009 at 2:50 pm

shelby- its very dangerous for ur heart to beat vert fast, i hate to say it, but anorexia has a high death rate for a reason. heart failure is the meian cause. ur body needs energy, nutrients in order for ur body to work
by not eating ur body cannot function and slowly it wil deteriorate .
you slowly killing urself by not eating.
u will get warm by eating, food is ur medicine.

this link here http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

is for a blog i wrote on reocvery n the stages of it, some of it mite relate to u, n help u see.
theres a bright future out there for u. dont hold urself back with an eating disorder.
eat regularly n slowly, and try to enjoy food. its not ur enemy

xx
1444 Nature // Dec 3, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Shelby, what Aliyah said is soo true. It’s NOT normal for a healthy person’s heart to race so rapidly. It is one of the most common signs in anorexic people, and you really must be very careful and try to eat small meals regularly. If I were you, I would minimize the exercise. You don’t want to put any more strain on your body when it’s already so fragile. The only way for you to start feeling warmer is to eat, and eat well!
1445 Heather // Dec 3, 2009 at 8:42 pm

Hi everyone
I havent been a regular here with posts or anything but i frequently read over everyones postings and have been so encouraged i have to say that you girls are amazing, the amount of love and genuine care that you have for each other is amazing, i want you girls to know that each and everyone of you is beautiful. Ana sucks but ive been in recovery for just over 2 months now and i have to give you girls some credit for it your words are quite encouraging and whenever i was having a down moment id come here and read over your posts and get back on track … what i want to say is thank you and keep on being encouragement to one another take care and God bless !!!
1446 You can do it // Dec 4, 2009 at 2:08 am

Hello everyone…

well i am becoming a regular on here… I just wanted to tell you i have reached my goal weight this morning… i am now 8 stone…. my next is 8 1/2 but when i get there i think i will try and just live a happy life rather than “trying” to gain weight all the time… but i feel so much better, and although my miniscule size clothing are getting a bit tight, i still feel better and cant wait to go and get some new clothes… I never thought i could be 8 Stone, and the recovery has taken me 2 years and has been really difficult at times, but what is that out of a life time…

The main thing is to try and change how you see yourself… I sometmies still see myself as overweight… but i know that the doctors, family and friends, and healthy weight charts etc, cant all be wrong… and if i am honest… I feel better… When you realise that your not “fat” but very ill, you will realise that it is time to change…

Looking over peoples blogs, it brings back memories… and i think goodness me, that was no life i was living.. and although i still have to keep going the life i have now is so much better…

So if i can be anything to you, i hope i can be a good sucess story to you… I was pretty bad, but with help from people around you , YOU HAVE TO TALK TO SOMEONE and let them know how bad it is, people dont understand anorexa… You have to inform them, and turning the determination around to being healthy rather than starving… you can have a good life… Like i said i never thought id be where i was, and have been anorexic for such a long time… I could have been one of the unlucky ones, but i was lucky!!!

Please realise you are worth more than any of the grief anorexia gives you… it doesnt love you, it wants to destroy you… it makes you ill, makes you be someone else… Makes you lonely… and in the end can Kill you… Stand up to it and say you dont want to be this way…

Shelby… no your heart shouldnt be doing that… mine did.. and it is all because your body is not right!… I used to have fits, couldnt breathe, my heart raced, and then sometimes felt like it stopped, i was freezing cold, inside my body aswell as on the outside (which is hard to understand if you dont feel it)… and could never get warm… But hun…. IT is so true… your body needs the energy and goodness from the food… You have taken the first step to doing something.. .you have accepted that you have anorexia… now you need to try and recover… You sound like a lovely girl but you are stuck under ANA’s grip… Go back to being a baby again, and restart your life again… start slowly and when one step is done, try the next…

Aliyah.. .thank you for chatting to me, it has been lovely… you seem like such a lovely person… kind of been there done that and want to help people recover like you have… and it is obvious that your advise is indespensable! Keep up doing well with your exams… Youre going to be amazing..

Please all take care of yourelves, and keep going… Dont give up… Be healthy my lovelies, and i am sure i will be on here again sometimes soon. xxx
1447 aliyah // Dec 4, 2009 at 2:30 am

you can do it- aww ur so sweeet thanks! ur a great help too. its always so good to have an extra positive person on the site!

so what are u doing these days? do u work?

heather- stay with recovery! it is the best thing ull do. look after ur body, ull thank urself in the future. remeber ur REgaining weight back, and gaining back ur life. when u have a bad day u shud write on this site u r never alone xx
1448 You can do it // Dec 4, 2009 at 3:19 am

Hello alliyah,
Yeah i work, but i am currently searching for another job, where i am i am not very happy… so it is time for me to move on… its the last step really… Stayed here while was getting better… but now, i know it isnt right for me… Its very office based, where i sit at my desk and dont really spoeak to anyone… i want a job that i can be around people, be busy, and also id like to be helpling people… So looking for things in that kind of way… I like admin, and caring side of work, so if i could mingle them two together in a job, id be extremley content in my job!

Um, i have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years… and just doing normal things now… Just need to save up my money now to go shpping lol. (i have never lost my addiction to shopping..)

I think i would like to come onhere now and then and give my help and advise like you do aswell.. knowing that i could help someone by giving them my advise and letting them know there is a way out would be wicked…

So hows the studying going? You got a partner? After you finish all your exams what kind of line of work are you aiming to go in to? x
1449 aliyah // Dec 4, 2009 at 4:31 am

awww yeh u shud look for a job ur happy in!
yeh i have a bf of nearly 3 years hes beeen thru the thick n the thin of my eating disorder years.
i wanna go into clinical/health psychology, probably into eating disorders, it affected my whole life, i wanna make something positive from it!

xx
1450 You can do it // Dec 4, 2009 at 9:42 am

sounds like we have two lovely boyfriends… My boyfriend, he hsa been amazing… and came to and from the clinic for me and to hospital and everything… him and my mum i owe alot to… Lol, we are both around the three year mark with ur fellas! lol…

So how old are you?

I would love to go in to that kind of line of work… i have applied for a job within the mental health… so have to see how that goes… Have your fingers crossed for me… lol… Same as you, i have been through alot and would like to help and make other people on their recoevery..
1451 aliyah // Dec 4, 2009 at 9:45 am

i have my fingers crossed for you! im sure ull be excellent in that field of work
im 19, how old are you?
and haha yes our bfs rule. have u got facebook, bebo that sorta thing?

u got much planned for the weekend? im going to see that movie paranormal activity tonight, supposed to be really scary!

xxxxx take care
1452 You can do it // Dec 7, 2009 at 2:18 am

Morning,

Thank you very much… i really hope it all goes well… need something where i am doing something good for others, and can be proactive and be around people… rather than where i am now…

Im 22…. Seems weiird writing that…. it was only like last week, it iwas my 21st… Crazy really…

Had a good weekend… I really want to see that film, paranormal activity… I saw that being advertised on the trailers when i went… Went a week ago (last Monday) and Saw “A Christmas Carol”… Feel like 5 years old again… Really Christmassy now and cant wait…. Be my first “good Crimbo” in a while… and cant wait!

So how was the film… Scary???

What is your email address, as i will email you if you would like?

xxx
1453 aliyah // Dec 7, 2009 at 2:56 am

Hey

Movie was ok, not really scary haha, but if you like thriller time movies, go watch it

aww happy birthday for last week!

my email is alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com

hope u had a gooood weekend xxx
1454 shelby // Dec 8, 2009 at 2:56 pm

i went to a nutritionist and im a little confused…. i told her i was currently averaging about 400 cals. a day and she told me to gain a pound a week i would have to take in 500 more calories a day (900) but then she told me i needed 1100 just to MAINTAIN my current weight so if i took in about 1000 would i just float around where i am right now??? still cant get myself to eat nearly that much though she wants me drinking boost plus (360 calories!!!) nooo wayyy

im also tempted to skip dinner iv had about 300 calories today and dont feel good about it and my moms workin late ughhh jesus

im supposed to be stopping my weight loss i think??? im soo confused!!!!!!

and does bein cold all the time burn off some of what you eat like trying to get warm??
1455 aliyah // Dec 9, 2009 at 1:35 am

shelby- yes it may seem a lot but uno to gain one pound u need to eat500 cals extra each day for at least a week, on top of whatever u normally eat! so yeah i mean ur not gna get fat, dont fret and make urself exercise and suffer.
It is a alot for ur body cause ur nto used to it, but just try to eat as much as u can, take lots of snacks, and ur stomach will get used to it, i promise.
u shud defo try to have some energy drinks it will help u REgain some weight because its not always east to go and eat extra amounts all the time. give it a shot. enjoy the food and dont skip meals, it will only hinder ur recovery process and slow u down!

xx
1456 Unsure // Dec 10, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Hi everyone,
I’m currently trying to re-gain the weight I lost through a 8 month long ED of sorts, and it is most definitely the hardest thing that I have EVER done in my life. I don’t have anorexia, I went through a phase of trying to just be a healthier person, but to the extreme. I started working out everyday, and eating a strict and overly healthy diet (no sweets for months), and I ended up loosing way more weight than I ever intended. But the problem was, I couldn’t stop. I’ve never had much self image problems, but i still liked how I felt after looking at the scale and seeing the number go down a bit more. I knew that I needed to stop, that I was hurting my body and my relationships, but it was a control thing and a stress reliever of sorts for me.
Now it is 8 months later, and I have realized how insane I was going there. I’ve been trying to gain weight for the past 5 weeks but no matter what, I can’t do it. At first, once I started eating “normally” I started to binge and felt like I couldn’t stop eating once I started, but that feeling is starting to go away. Which is good! But the problem is, I was never restricting myself to more than 1600 cals a day when I had my problem, and now I am eating a healthy diet but increasing my cals to over 2800 but I’m still NOT gaining! My mom doesn’t sleep at night because she is worried about me, and I’m sick of having these problems, but I can’t gain! For the past few days I’ve added a drink called “ensure” to a few of my meals, and my parents won’t allow more than 20 minutes of moderate exercise, but I just feel helpless. Its not that Im afraid to gain a little weight (I want to be healthy again) I just get scared thinking about how much I have eaten (even though its the healthy thing to do) and lately I’ve just been feeling awful about it. Any similar experiences or words of advice? I just want to be reassured I’m doing what’s right- I am not going to give up, I just want to all the time.
Thanks for reading, i really appriciate it!
Also, does anyone else feel sick and bloated after eating a lot? I know it is a normal thing- its a sign that we are nourishing our bodies!!! But how do you deal with it? Sometimes it really hurts :[
Thanks guys!
1457 aliyah // Dec 11, 2009 at 1:25 am

unsure- hey there im aliyah. I just want to say first well done for deciding to get better. u may not have anorexia, but you clearly had a food issue, and its good your doing something about it now
yes regain can be hard, it takes an extra 500 cals every day on top of what ur normally eating to gain one pound! so yeah keeping that in mind, energy drinks, high cal drinks, have them every day it will help. it may take a while to regain it, but as long as ur eating extra each day u will. Have lots of high cal snacks, and make sure u eat every few hours.
as for ur mum worrying, every mum wud be the same. u need to reassure her, tell her u want o get better, and have meals with her and stuff soshe can see ur eating enuff, it might give her some comfort.
apart from that be positive and happy! its a better life without an ed!
all the best x
1458 Unsure // Dec 12, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Thanks Aliyah! I’ve been trying really hard and I think it has finally started to pay off… i’ve gained 2 lbs! haha I never thought I would be glad to say that, but I think I am!
But thanks for your reassurence, I think we all need that sometimes.
1459 Aliyah // Dec 13, 2009 at 2:25 am

unsure- no bother!! i told u u wud REgain some. stay motvated, and keep thinking of what u have to gain by getting better, ur health and a better life, with no food issues and plus ur saving urself from a lot of body damage.
good luck!
1460 clover // Dec 14, 2009 at 9:29 pm

hello everyone
it’s been really comforting to read your stories. May experiences with anorexia was more similar than I could have imagined. I have been anorexic twice, once when i was 13 and again when I was 19. Both times I self recovered and I wish that I had learned more from the first time around. I wish I could tell anyone who was slipping into anorexia how much damage you are doing to yourself. I am eating normally now but I am somewhat burnt out in a way that sounds more like a woman twice my age. I am 20 and doing much better, except i seem to have really damaged my metabolism. I am 108 pounds now (my lowest the first time was 75 and 88 the second time) and i am 5’2″. I know that is about normal but i feel overweight. I used to be in really good shape but I am having trouble building muscle or losing any weight no matter what i do. I went saw two nutritionists and they gave me very general advice about eating in a balanced way and what not. Does anyone have information on the sort of things that are helpful specifically for someone who has recently stopped starving themselves? I have had tests done and there isn’t anything actually wrong with me but i can feel that I have done some damage to myself.
1461 aliyah // Dec 15, 2009 at 2:09 am

clover- hi there. well done on gettin better!! you definetly chose the right path there and saved yourself.
what damage do you think youve done? it will probably take your body a long tiem to recover completely. if i were you i wouldnt worry too much, and just make sure ur eating a balanced meal and let the body heal in its own time. Your weight range is fine, and u shuldnt stress over it. buy clothes to flatter ur shape, and do things that give u a confidence boost, dont let the eating disorder hold u back at all.
dont try to lose weight or anything, cause ur body is still sensitive, itll go into a ‘ is she gna starve me again’ mode, so if u feel the need to exercise, just do light walks or some yoga but nothing heavy.
ur body has an ideal weight, it works best at, so if ur at it, let ur body stay at it, its better than damaging ur body through not eating right, plus ur saving urself soo much damage.
everyone has bad days, just try to keep positive and remind urself why ur recovering.

all the best x
1462 shelby // Dec 15, 2009 at 3:37 pm

heyy everyone im really messed up right now my mamas workin late and im alone im tired and weak and i have no desire to eat. i had half a trail mix bar this morning i feel like complete shit all the time but i cant seem to eat whatevers in front of me i really want to talk to my therapist and nutritionist again but my next appointment isnt til jan i have no idea what to do cause i dont wanna lose anymore weight but i know that i am im constantly cold like painfully cold and my muscles wont work right idk what to do i want to tell my mama to take me to the doctor but i dont wanna be put in the hosp. or waste anymore of my moms money since shes already mad about that but i cant wait until jan. for another visit i dont even know if i can make it through school tommorow w/o passing out or something
1463 aliyah // Dec 16, 2009 at 1:56 am

shelby- half of you is anorexia , half of you is the real you wanting to get better, knowing what ur doing is wrong.. it is hard to eat, i know but u reallly havr to push urself, if u feel like crap now, its only going to get worse with the less food u eat.
recovery has stages, once u start eating, u will not feeel good, but after a while it stops! and because ur body is actually gettin nutrition , u will feel beter, not so cold, and sad. lack of food makes u feeel down all the time.
just eat a little bit even if its just a snack , anything that gives u energy. butif you dont, and u pass out, ull be in that hospital on a tube getting force fed.
make the choice, but dont make ur body suffer, u can do it
x
1464 shelby // Dec 16, 2009 at 12:42 pm

i felt really bad at school today prolly cause i hadnt eaten since yesterday mornin and that was 1/2 a trail mix bar…. my mama yelled at me cause i called her and she left work to take me home……….

i made me some chicken noodle soup and a slice of reduced calorie toast but i ended up takin all of the noodles out of the soup…. but i drank all the broth and i feel stuffed

i feel like my bones are really sensitive and i take forever going up steps because my leg muscles are so weak and im really afraid of tryin to eat more… im supposed to be havin 3 350 cal meals a day but that is SO much and i dont wanna gain weight so fast i feel like even if i had 800 cal in a day my weight would increase really really fast

schools getting really hard too i feel like im getting wierd looks and my 00 jeans are falling down and people will be like u need to buy ur jeans smaller but thats as small as u can buy them!! iv been called anorexic but not as bein labeled as someone w/a problem people are just like ur so fuckin skinny u look anorexic

i feel like im just stuck and peoples comments get to me im tired of living like this

i almost wanna go to the mental place like where my mamas been threatenin to send me
1465 aliyah // Dec 16, 2009 at 1:06 pm

shelby- i used to be exactly where u are. its a miserable place to be, your tired and sick of how u feel and u want to feel bette rbut ur scared of gaining weight. to you it seems like the worst thing ever that will only make u feel worse.

trust me when i say this, u will not gain weight that fast. it is actually hard to gain inr recovery , because slowly as ur body gets used to food, ur metabolism speeds up.
also, right now u will feel full very very quickly, but slowly if u eat more, ur stomach wont feel so horrible and bloated each time u eat.

ignore peoples comments, this is about u trying to get better, try to see that if the smallest size of jeans is too big, try to make them fit you. the smallest size jeans fitting u is not a bad thing .
also, remember recovery is REgaining weight, your actually not gaining any weight AT ALL.

http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

read that, its the stages of recovery i think most of anorexics will go through.
be strong, and dont let ana win, th elonger u take to get better, the more damage ur body will suffer.

xx
1466 Amy // Dec 19, 2009 at 7:43 pm

I don’t know what is happening. i thought that everything was getting better. i have been consistently gaining weight (except the occasional losing of 500 grams last week). but it seems that the further away from my eating disorder i get, the deeper I’m getting into depression. I can be really happy one moment and then all it takes is one thing and I’m in such a deep hole of loneliness and sadness that i can barely stand it. i’ve cried myself to sleep about 3 times in the past 5 days and i don’t know what is happening to me. I’m feeling so lonely and depressed a majority of the time. I pleaded with mum to let me stay stay home instead of going with them all to a family lunch thing because i didnt want to be around people today (she let me) but it didnt help and i feel even worse. is it normal to be so emotionally unstable during recovery. i am eating well and gaining weight but there are times when i am in such a deep state of depression that i cant stand it ,because when I’m in that state i have those voices popping up regularly putting me down and making me feel even worse. is this normal to have these extreme mood swings so frequently and to such an extreme extent?. i cant talk to anyone because i don’t think they will understand the overwhelming feeling of depression I’m in.
1467 aliyah // Dec 20, 2009 at 4:03 am

amy- i know how u feel is horrible, but let me tell you its NORMAL in recovery to have really bad periods. its going to get better, i gurantee you that. i used to cry myself to sleep, feel horrible and miserable, feeling like why shud i have to do this, and its not a nice feeling. but the mood swings will get better, and remeber its REGaining weight.

when ur feeling really bad write on the forum, or write it down or talk to ur mum or someone, just get it off ur chest, and stick with the etaing well . try to surround urself with people n not be alone, it iwll help, and in time this phase will pass i promise you. stick with it, and dont give in to that voice.

theres loads of things u can do when u feel really down, go for a llong bath or a walk, or watch a movie, and take ur mind off it.

good luck, xxx
1468 megan // Dec 21, 2009 at 7:38 pm

hey everyone!
Just a welcome hello! My name is Megan and I used 2 be anorexic. I can proudly say I am not anymore, but I am studying journalism and I need 2 do an article on how stress can affect people. I was wondering if I could interview anyone who has developed an eating disorder due to stress?
1469 You can do it // Dec 23, 2009 at 6:43 am

Hello Megan,
Well done on recovering from anorexia… I too have recovered and have a whole new life ahead of myself.. well done on studyigng journalism, i bet that is exciting.
I dont know if people really do relise when they have developed the disorder and the reason behind it? Just because, i didnt until it got too bad, and ive had bad spells in my life, but i ggot through the patches eventually and other people have got through things like mine and not developed an eating disorder… I was just wondering, open to everyone here, did anyone actually realise when they had developed the disorder and the reasons why!
Hope you are all ok
xxx
1470 aliyah // Dec 23, 2009 at 7:04 am

megan- i dont mind if u email me, about ur interview, i dontmind answering questions thru email. my email is

alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com

you can do it-i think for a long time i knew i was ill, i knew i had anorexia, but i didnt want to go get better. i think it was due to many reasons, just general growing up in an environment where everyone is encouraged to be skinny. and i was like if im skinny ill be happy, i hadreallly low self esteem. but i also think pressure at school and stuff, to get to uni all was part of it too. what about u/?
1471 emilie.elizabeth // Dec 31, 2009 at 4:51 am

Hiaaa, havent been on here for a while. things have been kinda bad :/

but nothing i can complain about is as bad as what Tracie i going through.
last night she said that her liver was failing. its a 3 year transplant wait and a painful death without one. my thoughts are with her husband and beautiful daughter.
the doctors have sadly said they dont know how long. shes terrified and wanted me to tell all of you about this.
she doesnt want anything like this to happen to any of us, to spread the word that none, not even ana can tell us how we live our life.
be strong, because we all can overcome this.
we need to recover know, before its too late.
love, emilie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
1472 Nature // Jan 1, 2010 at 2:40 am

Hello everyone,

I haven’t been on recently either, but I have been reading every post from every person. I want to say congratulations to Jan for overcoming this disease and having a healthy, new life now. For all of the girls who’s still struggling, don’t give up. You all deserve a life, and you’re beautiful. Tracy, I am so sorry to hear that your liver is failing… It must be so very hard for you and your family. Every one of you is on my mind every day, you as well, and I hope and pray that the doctors will find you a suitable transplant.

A new year has come, I hope it brings all of you a more positive, assuring, and comfortable time.

Lots of love,

Nature.
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1474 Tracie // Jan 2, 2010 at 8:45 pm

Hi Girls Its Tracie…

As some of you may have read from Emily’s recent post i am having health problems at this time.
What i want ALL of you to know is that i have been at my goal weight for over 6 month period of time,but the problem with me is ” The damage was already done”.
Livers in our bodies do recover faster then any other organ in our bodies.

What i want to stress to you ALL is the binging,purging,starving(that was me) all does permanant damage if Ana takes over your life for a period of years.That was me.I have been a recovering Anarexic for 4 years now,and have Ana in my life for 12 years.
My problem was and is CONTROL.
Controling what went into my mouth,and not in.
Controling my childhood however i could not.
That is when everything went bad very bad.

You Girls on here CAN DO THIS. Don’t become another statistic such as myself.(Well not yet anyways).
You need to be strong within,and find that little girl inside each one of you,and feed her.Thats who is asking you for food.You don’t let your car run out of gas don’t let your body run out of time ,and energy.

If anyone has any questions please don’t hesitate to ask.First ,and foremost i am a mom,and i think of all you girls as my sisters even daughters.Old and new.
Remember WE ALL NEED TO LOOK OUT FORE ONE ANOTHER!!!
We are our own family on here,and eventually i wont be on anymore.
So think of me often read my posts,and don’t let this happen to you!!!!

Friends ForeEver & ForeEver Connected…..

Tracie
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1475 Laurie // Jan 3, 2010 at 8:12 am

Tracie,
First off, let me say how sorry and devastated I am to hear of your illness. I have been doing nothing but praying for you and your family.

You were among the first that I connected with here due to the fact that you had a daughter and I had two boys. ( remember I wanted to dance at their weddings with them)
You must understand the impact you have had on my life Tracie, you have made a difference, all of you here have. I may not post often but I do read the daily posts.

I have a hard time understanding this whole ED. at times for I am at goal and still having medical issues.(not critical) low white cell count, unexplained nerve and muscle pain, gluten intolerance.
I have been struggling with my thoughts to return to a low weight due ,in part, that my son will be graduating this June and there will be over 150 people at my house . some haven’t seen me in quite awhile.
Then I think .. “it’s not about them or even me, it’s about my son”
I think about all of us and the energy and time this disease takes from us.

Tracie, I wish with all my heart that I could make this go away for you.. for being a mom myself my first instinct is to try and make it better. However if I cannot make it better , then at least I can be there to support you.. thru whatever it is you may need… if you would like I will give you my email address .. just let me know ..
You are right ..
we are Forever Connected!!
Laurie
1476 You can do it // Jan 4, 2010 at 2:14 am

Hello everyone,

Happy new year to you all, and hope that you have all had a nice break… It has been a struggle as it has been my first christmas where i have been on the almost recovered side of recovery… so i have managed to enjoy it alot more, without as much of the niggling in my mind from ana! (still there a bit, but i will not be beaten!)

Tracie, i am so sorry for your news, it is terrible when you think how well people are recovering, but sometimes even with all your might you get better, but the damage may already have happened. It is such an awful disorder, and can take over someones life and sometimes even claim it forever! I feel for your family aswell… If it was my mum i would feel devestated… (And i know how my mum felt when she almost lost me too!) BUT although you have this tragic news you are a success story aswell.. You have come so far from where you were a few years back where you have been struggling with Ana for far too long! and you recovered and had been doing well for 4 years! In that you should be proud, you have proven that with the determination, you can beat this! just keep going and enjoy yourself… and you may have a lucky break with a liver… I will have my fingers crossed for you very very tightly… Although i may not know you, you seem like a wonderfull person, and i hope you all the best! x

I hope you are all ok… and i have a feeling 2010 is going to be a better year!!! please all take care of yourselves, and keep eating, a new year for a new healthier you… Its timE to enjoy your life not waste it… kEEP GOING, BE STRONG, AND DONT LET ANA CARRY ON BEING YOU… TAKE CONTROL AND START A NEW HEALTHY LIFE! xxx
All my love xxx
1477 ash // Jan 4, 2010 at 11:17 pm

Hello,
Right now I’m 22, 5’3 and 110lbs. In my teens I was 5’3 and my weight fluctuated between 120 and 130lbs, I always thought that was pretty normal for a teenage girl. Also, I have bad ADD so in high school I took Ritalin. When I got to college I was taken off Ritalin and switched to Adderall. Some side effects of Adderall are anxiety and weight loss.. This is where I believe my problems started.
When I first started Adderall I was 19 and weighed about 125lbs. My appetite disappeared completely and I dropped down to about 110-115lbs. I also started working out a bunch because I got a lot of energy from the Adderall. I got really toned and skinny. My legs were full of muscle and you could see my 6 pack and I started getting compliments on how great I looked. But after a while, my body became used to the Adderall and started to adapt to it. My appetite came back and I didn’t get that rush of energy anymore. So I gained about 15lbs. I started feeling ugly and unattractive and I became depressed. I started obsessing about my physical appearance, whether it was my weight, a pimple or an outbreak of pimples, dry hair, flab.. anything! The part that baffles me thought, is that I can hear my self complaining to everyone around me and I can see them getting annoyed. I look in the mirror and see someone unattractive, but in the back of my mind I know that I’m just insane. (example, If I have a bad breakout, I feel hopeless and ugly and try to put on tons of makeup.. but I don’t like makeup on my face so I feel even more icky.)
Because of the feeling of unattractiveness, I started altering my eating habits, in a negative way. I was bulimic for maybe 2 months (but that made my face bloat and I started obsessing about it, so I stopped). Then, I started “chewing and spitting.” I would chew my food and spit it out! I also got addicted to laxatives. I did this for about 3 months and lost about 15lbs. I don’t know where the chewing and spitting habit went but for some reason I just stopped doing it. Now my problem is simply obsessing over my physical appearance. It’s been about a month since I have chewed my food and spit it out. I haven’t gained any weight (I fluctuate between 110 and 115) but I am ALWAYS bloated, which I have never experienced before. When I lay down on my back, my ribs pop out and my stomach sinks in. When I lay on my side, my “fat” (or stomach.. I don’t know what it is!) rolls to one side of my body. I have no idea what this is. I used to be fit and have great abs and be healthy.. now I feel like I’m fragile and weak (even though I KNOW that I’m not at a risky weight). I really want to get back on the right track. Physically and mentally.

My sister says that I have an imaginary audience.. that I think everyone is always looking at me and judging me. I completely agree with her, I just wish I knew how to overcome that!! I don’t want to be that whiney girl who always complains and obsesses over her appearance anymore. And I really don’t want to fall back into bad dieting habits.. but I feel like my stomach just keeps getting more and more bloated. It’s like it’s trying to teach me a lesson or something!!
uuuugh, oh and when I complain, I tend to laugh about it. Like I try and get people to listen to me but I hide behind humor.
1478 You can do it // Jan 5, 2010 at 3:25 am

Hello Ash,
It sounds to me that you do have an eating disorder and it is on the verge on becoming quite serious! I know what you mean about y0ur ribs sticking out and when you go on your side it looks like there is a hude “fat pack” leaning to the side!!! BUT that “fat Pack” is actually loose skin… And it is where your body is used to being a normal healthy size and then when you loose the weight it has this excess skin… Like my body is still quite loose! as i havent filled my body up enough.. .Kind of like clothes, if your not at the right size for the jeans (lets say) then they wont fit you, they will hang… Regarding the exercise… Yes it is a good thing that you enjoy doing exercise, most people wish they can get motivated to do exercise… BUT you have to keep it to balance out what you are eating… If you arent eating enough, then you will just burn off the weight you have got and keep getting smaller and smaller! And although you think that exercise if healthy… when you arent eating and your are exercising too much, then no this is just as unhealthy as sitting at home and eating Macdonalds for every meal and never leaving your bed… (everything is to be in moderation) BLOATING is SOOOOOOO common… Where you havent eaten, your tummy has shrunk! So when you start to eat again, your tummy cant take the food, and it is having to stretch itself, to allow the food in! So that is why you feel boated as your tummy is SOOO tiny it will be full within seconds! You have to go with it, and bear with it… Trust me, everyting i am saying to you i know is true as that has been me!!! It takes a while to get rid of the bloatedness but it will ease off, and you wont feel bloated and slugish… But it is the only way is to perservere… and if i am honest, youll feel a bit rough for a little while, and i was sick sometimes as my tummy rejected the food, but i kept going and now i can eat normally…
Spots are normal, so when you get an outburst…OH well… when you see how other people look, with the disfigurements sometimes a spot should be a minor thing! i know you probably think, she dosnt understand… BUT honestly hun i do! Ive been there and recovered… im still gaining the weight as not there fully, but you can recover! and life is so much better, when you are free and can do what you want, eat what you want,and live and have fun! Living in fear of your body is not a life… If you dont try and do something now sweety, things may become worse and it is harder when it becomes worse…
Please take care of yourself.
xxx
1479 aliyah // Jan 5, 2010 at 1:04 pm

tracie- im sooo sooo sorry to hear about ur liver it saddens me , you do not deserve it at all. please stay strong, and i will pray for you. You are a wonderful person, and such an inspiration, please take care of urself and keep us updated. i hope everything will be ok, i am sure it will be.

ash- ive had anorexia and bulimia for several years now, and i know how you feel. You feel constantly horrible, ugly and fat no matter what u do. There is only one way to rid of this and that is to get better, eat well and have a healthy self image. I used to chew food and throw it away and its a hard habit to break, but each time u put sumthing in ur mind say to urself I WILL FINISH IT.

think of what u want to do in life, and what u want to achieve and see that an ed will only stop u. The longer its spro longed the more damage will be done. I strongly reccomend u go to a doctor, u cud try cognitive behavioural therapy which i did and it helps u to break obsessive behaviours.
you can do this, do not let the ed win. And if u look around u, everyone is of different sizes and shapes, and if we look at feminine figures, stick thin skinny is not attractive at all, instead a more healthy , fuller but not fat figure is desriable. and ur body has a set point weight, which it works best at, and by eating when u feel hungry makin sure u eat regularly , u will feel better and get better.

u shud also try ways to boost ur confidence like gettin ur hair done or gettin dressed up for a nite out with friends… etc.

all the best x
1480 aliyah // Jan 5, 2010 at 1:08 pm

ash- i also wanted to say, if u read up and read a post about tracie by emilie, u will see just how damaging an ed can be, and tracie is in a state where her liver is severely damaged, and she wants to spread the word that everyone suffering from an ed needs to recover, casuse u do not want to be in that situation.

also the bloating will go away if u eat properly, and i suggest lots of natural bio yoghurt, regular meals and, in particular small meals, liek have small meals often with snacks, it lessens bloating. x
1481 Lauren // Jan 6, 2010 at 4:43 am

Hello all, I’m a newbie to this site =)
I stumbled across it and love the support and positive help you give one another.
I just wanted to say – Tracie, you are so brave, your battle with your ED makes me sad, I found it hard in the 1 year that I had it quite badly, but you’ve dealt with it for 12. I find you so brave for dealing with the news about your liver and using it to keep others strong and safe. I hope everything works out for you *hugs* x x x
I’m currently recovering from anorexia, and I think I’m doing really well. I used to mainly starve myself, but on the occasions when I did binge I would purge too. I didn’t really over-exercise, but I walked everywhere I could, ran up and down the stairs more times than was necessary and jogged in the kitchen whilst waiting for the kettle to boil… I only had it for around a year, but had to make myself quite ill before I decided to accept the help my counsellor, friends and family were giving me.
I’m here if any of you need to talk to someone, I’ve been through the ups and downs, the highs, the depression, the realisation, the horror of accepting I need to gain weight, and then the engjoyment of eating, gaining and leaving bingeing and purging behind me. Eating’s become a lot easier, but the main fear I’m trying to cope with now is how on earth am I going to stop gaining weight? What if I shoot back up to my heaviest weight (when I was overweight and really did need to lose a little bit)? I keep thinking “It’s ok, if I start getting overweight, I’ll diet” But will I be able to without slipping into old habits?
Can anyone who’s been through/going through recovery maybe tell me if their weight stabilised and how they maintained it?
Hope you’re all doing well =)
x x x
1482 aliyah // Jan 6, 2010 at 5:09 am

lauren- ive been thru the regain stage and gettin ti a stabalised weight, and i gurantee that once ur body trusts u, and by trust i mean know that its getting enough food, it will naturally stay at a set weight which it works best at and which is healthy. Then all u have to do is listen to ur body, eat when ur hungry, and stick to eating a similar amount each day and u will maintain it

xx
1483 Lauren // Jan 6, 2010 at 10:30 am

Aliyah – Thanks a lot for getting back to me, it calms me down a little. I’d read that it would settle down eventually, but it’s just hard to believe that I won’t keep gaining =/ I suppose that’s just the ED part of me panicking.
I feel better now that you’ve said you’ve been through it =)
x x
1484 aliyah // Jan 6, 2010 at 10:32 am

lauren- no bother, trust me everything will be alright. it really does settle, if it didnt, then every single person in the world would be obese.
I know its hard to believe but its the way the body works, and remember its just REgaining weight.
Reading the link below may help all the best x

http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/
1485 Lauren // Jan 6, 2010 at 11:07 am

That helped a lot, thank you =D
x x
1486 Laurie // Jan 7, 2010 at 4:03 am

Hi Ash,
I am sorry it’s late returning this response. Ididn’t get your post in my email until this morning. I read all of the posts but rarely respond. Your post so jumped out at me however. YOu are my height and was at my starting weight . But what you may not understand that even though that number may seem high for the “charts” it doesn’t apply to people who are fit> When I started dropping weight . I really didn’t need to lose any.. I was muscular. Then I dropped down to 105-110 felt terrible but looked ripped. What people didn’t didn’t know was the damage that I was doing to my body. I was over exercising, taking laxatives. restricting. I ended up in the hospital with medical compications ..from a weight that was all around 110. So don’t let numbers fool you.
Eating disorders are tricky and play head games with you . the trick is to stay strong and consistant that is how you quiet the beast. They only gain power when you give it to them. I know how hard it is to re-gain the weight and how much that bloating feeling can be play head games. . but stay strong.
It will pass .. there is a whole world out there of rewards just waiting for you that is not food related. Trust me, I am just starting to enjoy life again and I am a mom of two teenage boys!
Good luck Ash.. remember all the girls here are an awesome support.
Laurie
1487 Laurie // Jan 7, 2010 at 6:20 am

Ash,
Sorry, I forgot to ask you one more question. My sisters neice has just graduated from college and , in my opinion, looking anorexic, I recently found out that she is also taking Adderall .. my question to you is. How long before the effects of the Adderall wore off and your weight started to return? I am afraid this will soon happen to her and then she will also be trapped in the emotional roller coaster of the Eating Disorder along with ADD . Will be looking for unhealthy alternative to keep her weight down. I believe my sister is unaware of these happenings and want to be ready to help her if needed. Thanks for any input you can give me.
Laurie
1488 Danielle // Jan 8, 2010 at 1:42 am

Hey,

So, long time recovering anorexic here. started at 11 til about 17 in an out of places. 28 now, thought I was completely done, but I’ve been so depressed lately and I find myself falling back into that mindset of counting and burning calories. I mean I know I am still way underweight, but just being over that 100 makes me anxious again. I know how to be healthy now, but it also seems like you get better treatment now than fourteen years ago. Is there anyone else here who has ever felt a relapse coming on. . cause I really don’t want to be that girl that goes back to same place three times.
1489 Danielle // Jan 8, 2010 at 1:42 am

sorry , thanks guys for any help
1490 Danielle // Jan 8, 2010 at 3:02 am

Tracie
1491 Danielle // Jan 8, 2010 at 3:06 am

Tracie, how long was it before you actually discovered liver problems… if you you don’t mind answering. I am just getting a little worried about that. and other female things…

thanks, Danielle
1492 aliza // Jan 12, 2010 at 6:05 pm

hello?
1493 aliza // Jan 12, 2010 at 6:20 pm

ive been struggling with my weight since i was a little girl. i was a pretty chubby kid, so i had alot of pressure to lose weight.
about a year ago i started binging and purging, but i didnt consider myself bulimic b/c i only took up 1/2 of what i ate. i didnt really start loosing weight until this summer, when i stopped eating. i was excersising for hours a day, only eating something like celery or cucumber every few days. i would even count calories in gum.
but my parents really took notice, especially when i became severlly depressed.
im doing better now, and trying my hardest to get in around 1500 calories a day, my weight is extreamly unhealthy. now, i still cant stop counting calories, and its making my paranoid.
i have a phobia of eating. im scared to eat during the day because i dont know what ill have to eat when i get home(for supper). so i end up with a load of calories that i have to eat at the end of the day. i know its not healthy, and im paranoid because i cant excersise as much as i used to..
i can feel my depression coming back. its seeping back into my life, and i want it to go away. i hate myself so much for letting this get so far out of hand. help?
1494 aliza // Jan 12, 2010 at 6:21 pm

ps: sorry for being so blunt
1495 Lauren // Jan 13, 2010 at 12:21 am

Aliza – Don’t worry about being so blunt, I’m sure everyone on here can understand what you’re going though at the moment.
Hun, you may not realise it at the moment but you’re going to seriously damage your body if you carry on like this =/ Your body needs food and energy, and, furthermore, you deserve the food too!
I also had a lot of pressure on me to lose weight, which really didn’t help me with my body image and I think was a factor that aided the development of my eating disorder. The thing you have to remember is maybe you did need to lose weight when you were a tad chubby, but your UNDERweight now, so you don’t need to lose anymore, you need to gain it, as scary as that sounds right now.
Your body has a particular weight that it functions best at, and if you start to gain weight it will reach this weight and stay there, you won’t keep gaining forever.
Exercising isn’t a good idea at the moment, you don’t have enough energy to be burning calories. The part of you that is driving you to exercise and to count calories is your ED. But you can fight those thoughts. When I first tried to stop counting calories, I refused to look at them on food packaging, and I ripped most labels off food and put them straight in the bin, so I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
Youre body needs regular energy throughout the day, and it’s no wonder that you’re getting depressed if you’re eating so much in the evening in one go. The best thing to do is to eat six small meals a day, as this will help to avoid any feeling of bloating that you may get.
Could you possibly talk to your parents about this? You could find out some more information on the web (I did this and found it helpful), and maybe sit and plan six small meals for you to eat at certain times throughout the day? Try to focus on the nutritional content of the food, rather than the calories.
You’ve done really well to already bump your calorie content up to 1500, you’ve just got to spread it out now, and increase it as time goes on.
One last thing I found helpful was to concentrate on something else when I was eating, like watching the telly, talking to friends or reading.
Have you read other posts on here? They were quite helpful to me too =)
Good luck hun, you can do this. I know it can seem impossible at times, but it’s not. You can beat this <3
Hope this helped
x x x
1496 aliyah // Jan 13, 2010 at 1:39 am

aliza- hi there. i know how u feel, and it is not nice. I had bulimia and anorexia for years and now im finally recovered. Honestly, the path to recovery is the best thing to do, you need to REGain weight u lost, and start to live ur life.
Counting cals will go away , i used to do it all the time, its something that as u progress in recovery will go away.
binging and purging is really bad for ur metabolism, and slows it down, so the best thing u cud do , is eat regularly, and regain ur weight.
If u are feeling very down, u shud go to ur docotor, maybe ull get referred to a psychologist, and yes seeking help is hard but it will help alot.
1500 calories is good, stick at it, and get used to it, and then slowly increase it. just like lauren said, focus on nutrional content, instead of ‘ that has too many claories i cant eat it’ say ‘im underweight, i need the food, and i want to enjoy it’.
positive thinking, treat food as ur medicine, and write down ur feelings and thoughts every nite, challenge the voice, and dont feel scared. Ur not alone and this is the way foward.

all the best xx

dannielle- dont ever relapse, its not worth it, and it never will be. being thin does not have any benefits, and it only harms ur body, a healthy body image is way more important so think of ur future, of ur life, and dont let an ed hold u back. Ull damage ur body too much. Ur not a number, so dont define urself, by ur weight, stay positive, and smile!
give ur self esteem a bost, get a nice hair cut or some flattering clothes, and treat urself to things u like. its to easy to neglect the body

xx
1497 aliza // Jan 13, 2010 at 2:06 pm

thanks for the advice
my parents have been making me see a doctor and a nutritionalist. but going to see them just makes me feel worse about myself, its stressful.
i just want to be able to eat like a normal person and not think about it.
do you think that they’ll let me stop seeing these doctors? b/c i feel like ive already gotten all i can out of them, and its embarassing.
also, everytime i eat something that i dont know the calorie content, then i cant get it off of my mind. then ill cut stuff out later of what i was planning on eating. i want to stop thinking about food. suggestions?
1498 aliyah // Jan 14, 2010 at 2:19 pm

aliza- write a food diary, and when u eat do something straight after like watcha movie have a long bath, just something to take ur mind off food.
U will find that as u eat more, the thoughts dissapear, u have to challenge them, and prove to urself u r not going to get fat.
I would suggets u shud eat with other people, and not alone otherwise u endup thinkinfg about it too much and try to talk someone.
Ur body has an ideal set point weight, and once u reach it ur weight will even out and ull maintain it.
u have to be strong and challenge the thoughts, the thoughts about food will go away slowly .

http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

u may find some comfort in reading the link above

alll the best xx
1499 aliza // Jan 15, 2010 at 2:30 pm

thanks, that really helped!
when i read about that stuff it reminds me sooo much about myself. that little voice..
i was also just wondering about something else. when i was eating very little, my hair stayed in. but im eating sooooo much more now, and its coming out in clumps in the shower..why is that.?
i thought i was doing alot better today. this morning i was feeling pretty positive. then one of my teachers commented to me about my weight:S. then my dad told me that i should be eating alot more, and basically that i was wittling away..and ive came so far. i dont want things like this to put me down. is there a way that i could tell my parents to just give me more time and privacy..
1500 aliyah // Jan 15, 2010 at 2:37 pm

aliza- im really glad that helped! ur hair is coming out simple due to ur diet, its going to take a while for ur body to recover, and it needs a lot of food, more than u thinkt o get healthy. So dont worry about ur hair, it will stop coming out in clumps as long as u keep eating.

Ok yes peoples comments hurt, but remeber they see the real u ohysically, u stil lhave a distorted image, and also a distorted sense on food , u prolly think what ur eating is a lot, when in fact it isnt nearly enuff. This will get better in time as u challenge and learn urself.
I think the best thing to do is, try to tell urself these comments will stop once u start to look healthier, and that they are not intended to hurt u, they are only saying it because they are concerned. If u can speak to them, yes u shud say i know i am very skinny , and im am trying to eat more, could u encourage me to eat more, instead of being negative about my appearance. U have to show they u are getting better, so eat with them sometimes, it will help them and help you

Also how muich are u eating? in recovery, u need at least 2000 cals, anything less than 1800 is starvation. U burn cals during everything, even just sitting and sleeping, and most of the food u eat, the cals will be used straight up for repairing the body.
This is hwy u need a lot of food, more than u think, because im sure u can see when u dont eat enuff, or not eat aat all, ur sleep suffers, and u feel cold all the time, because ur body cant use up any more calories, it starts to eat itself, and ur body eventually begins to use protein from ur organs like ur liver and heart.

Each time u eat keep this in mind, try to be positive, and keep eating, as much as u can. Three meals with snacks, and yes u will feel really bad some days and hate urself but in the end this is going to SAVE your life.

healthy and happy
1501 aliza // Jan 15, 2010 at 4:39 pm

im eating about 1500 calories, or trying to. i thought that under 1000 calories was starvation.? do ppl in recovery have to eat more than an average person trying to gain weight.?
i dont understand how everything fits together. im pretty under weight, but there is still fat on my body.
i feel like i have to put on a face for my family. because if i act like i feel, then they’ll assume that im not eating. why wont they understand that this might be something different and not connected to my eating at all.
soory of all the posts..i must be taking up all of your time.lol :S
1502 aliyah // Jan 16, 2010 at 4:37 am

aliza- a 5 to ten year old needs 1800 cals. So 1500 is not enough, but its a good aim, start off at 1500 and slowly increase, and theres easy ways to increase, add in a nutrional drink, like a milkshake or something before u go to bed. chose higher cal stuff.
listen to what u said’ im pretty underweight, but there is still fat’. its not fat, its just skin, fat is the first thing to go when u become underweight.
Yes people in recovery have to eat a lot more, see girls who go straight to hispitals and clinics? they get put on 3000 cal a day, and get that fed througha tube. only in the period of REgaining some weight, do u need to eat a lot extra, after that u can lower it a bit and just maintain ur weight.
U need so much because to put on one pounds, u need to eat an extra 500 cals a day, on top of what u normally eat, for a week. Thent o gain another u need to add another extra 500 cals a day. If u weigh urself often u mite find ur weight flunctuates and thats just because ur body is not used to all the food, its not real weight. Most of it will be due to fluid, after a while it will stay stable.

its hard for people who dont have experience of the thoughts to fully understand. If u want u shud try to go to ur doc and get referred to a psychologist or some counceling. it does help i used to see a clinical psychologist and dietician, to help me with a mealplan. We all want the same thing for you, for u to get better and healthy and be happy. We are all going to support u in different ways, but its up to u, to make sure u eat and look after ur body.

stay strong xx
1503 Lauren // Jan 16, 2010 at 4:52 am

Aliza – I got the same negative comments when I was at a low weight. In my eyes I was doing really well to bump up my calories, and I was really proud, but in the eyes of others, I still wasn’t eating enough. You have to be able to see it from everyone elses point of view – they’re really not trying to be mean, they’re just worried. It’s difficult for people, especially parents, when they see you at such a low weight. I know it’s frustreating, but like Aliyah said, if you eat with them sometimes that will help. You have to try and see it from their point of view – they see you trying and struggling, but they also see that you’re still not eating enough right now. Bear in mind that they will probably never understand, my parents still don’t, but I try to explain in the best ways I can. This won’t last forever, and as you start to become healthier and happier, your relationship with them will become much easier.
I got referred to a therapist, and it really helped me. I would reccomend that you try and find one, as they may help a lot. I also went to family therapy for a short time, and that helped my relationship with both of my parents, even though we only went to 2 sessions I think. Talking to them may help them understand a little, but I don’t think you can fully understand unless you’ve been through it.
Aliyah has given you some really good advice, and it’s all true. You’re doing really well, but just try and make little increases week by week. Remember that you’re UNDERweight, therfore you are not fat. That is just the ED voice.
You’re doing so well hun, just keep going, You can do this.
x x x
1504 aliza // Jan 16, 2010 at 10:58 am

thank you so much for all the advice. im really glad i found this site, cause i felt like i was falling apart before. but after reading, ive realized that other ppl feel the same way, im not alone.
im proud to say that today im not excersising, which is a weird thing to be proud of, but i am. i have a doctors apointment next friday, so maybe ill get some stuff sorted out then, and find out where i am..
i hope he tells me that im doing better.thnks so much for al the help <3.
ps. im so nervous for next friday :S
1505 aliyah // Jan 16, 2010 at 1:44 pm

aliza- im so glad ur feeling positive. that is the way to keep thinking, u have the power withinu tobeat thisdirsorder, and get ur life back, and do what uwant to do, be healthyand enjoy going out to eat and stuff.
Good luck for the doctors, im sure it iwll be fine, just be honest and tell us how it goes!
also i wanted to say, i think u shud write a list of foods, that ulove and want to eat, and slowly as u tackle each one u can tick it off, and show urself how well u are doing.
i remember i used to be so scaredof pizza, but i wanted to eat it so much, and now its one ofmy fave foods, and no, it didnt make me fat!

good luck, and keep eating

xx
1506 Ciara // Jan 17, 2010 at 7:59 am

hey!! iv only started ta recover since sept and its so hard ta… i was doin great til i xmas came..i mean i litrally ate so much over on my hols felt like rubbish but knew it had ta be done for my mam sake.. and now after a weigh in with the docs iv lost 3KGs and now i physically hate my life and just keep thinking of how much i wanna die and keep crying and stuff!! sorry i dont mean to be all emontional but what the hell do i do?? i seriously need help but the help i get stresses me out and makes me so anry!!

xxx
1507 aliza // Jan 17, 2010 at 9:30 am

aliyah- yes! i always stay away from pizza, and pasta, because of all the carbs. and during my ed i realized that the fatty, and carby foods have the most calories. i cut out alot of my favorite foods during that time. so, im trying to eat the same foods that everyone else eats. i realized that the other night when we had frozen pizza for dinner. i asked if i could have toast instead, but realized that its best if i eat what everyone else eats, not something special for me. i ate one peice:S, it was veggie thin crust, and i looked at the nutritional value on the box..but i still had some. i noticed that i didnt like it as much as i used to. i dont like anything as much as i used to..i guess as i expand my horizons, then that will disapear?
1508 aliza // Jan 17, 2010 at 9:52 am

yes! ive cut out so much of my favorite foods, so id like to start eating normally again. pasta and pie and cheesecake have to be the most high calorie foods in the world, but they’re my favorite.
i dont like food as much as i used to, i guess that’ll disapear once i expand my horizons..
1509 aliza // Jan 17, 2010 at 9:55 am

sorry, i didnt realize that ive already commented after i came back…so i wrote i over again..:S
1510 Teddy // Jan 17, 2010 at 10:05 am

OH MY GOLLY!!
hi guysssss!! i haven’t been on here in SO long!
i don’t have the patience to read over all the comments i’ve missed right now :’] so i’ll do that some other time but for the moment i’d just like to say i haven’t disappeared off the face of the earth XD i’m still here and i’ll be commenting regularly again :] in the time of being gone i’ve went in and out of suicide :S but i’m getting better guys, i’ll fill you in, and hi to anyone just joined!
in a bizzle! xxxxxxx <3
1511 aliyah // Jan 17, 2010 at 11:43 am

aliza- trust me ur love for food will increase, in a good way. once u start trying more foods, and letting urself eat the normal versions of things, not the low cal stuff, u will see that its nothing to be scared of. This may sound a little weird, but part of u doesnt want to enjoy the food, because it scares u, but this will go . Just keep up the good work, and eat what everyone else is eating, dont make urself eat a low cal, light version of something, go for the higher cal stuff. Pretend its ur medicine, its ur cure. Its all worth it in the end
1512 aliyah // Jan 17, 2010 at 11:50 am

ciara- welcome to the site. Firstly, i want to say im sorry to hear how awful uve been feeling, and to let u know there is a way out.
Ive had anorexia and bulimia for many years, and now im recovered, and im happy to give uany advice.
I have had those feelings before, feeling sad miserable, and the only way to get rid of it, and feel some happiness is to recover. Ur starving ur brain, which means ur thoughts are not normal, they are unhealthy. U need to start to eat, even just a tiny amount and slowly build up. U will not get fat, if u eat small things reguarly, ur metabolism actually speeds up. So start by eating a little, and straight after u eat u shud do something to keep ur mind off it, like read, or listen to music or talk to someone.
U shud also go to a doctor, because they may refer u to coiunceling, and it helps a lot to get stuff off ur chest.
Lastly, ur not gaining any weight, recovery is just REgaining back some weight u lost, u cannot get fat from this.

xx
1513 aliza // Jan 17, 2010 at 4:10 pm

thats good. i really want to WANT to eat my food, instead of eating it because i haveto. but like, every night before our family dinners, ill cry because i dont know whats in it or how high calorie its gonna be. idk if this is normal…
1514 Briar // Jan 17, 2010 at 9:02 pm

Hey
I left a comment a while back now but i am just the same!
I am always home alone and i hate it i cant controll myself with binge eating and purging even when my dad is home i still do it,
I stay with my boyfriend alot because i am really close to him and i cant do it around him but then when i stay with him a couple of days i feel so bad and bloated from eating that i just want to go home and do it again i hate it!
I have had this eating disoder since i was 14 now im 16 and its just turned from anorexia to bulimia now im scared it will go back to anorexia like its some sort of pattern? Everybody thinks im fine now! like iv recoverd fully but i am far from it and know one knows, i am a very secretive person know one seems to realise how much I eat a day and where I put it all?
1515 aliyah // Jan 18, 2010 at 1:27 am

aliza- its very normal to cry,a nd feel horrible at times during recovery. it is very emotional, and if u feel like crying, u shud because its better out than in. Just keep in mind why u are doing this, and the importance of it , in ur life.

Briar- this is what happened to me. i had bulimia first then anorexia, and then a period of bulimia, before anorexia agen. Its horrible, the puirging and feeling bloated all the time, but the bloatedness is due to throwing up.
Theres only one way, and i know how hard it is to control bingeing, when u do it, u lose all control, but the only way out of this mess is to not throw up after bingeing, and to try and have regular meals in the day. If ur not eating properly, the chances of bingeing are much higher.
So i s

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anorexia talk – for people recovering from anorexia

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