This is a special area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia, which was then moved here and then here.
A great, huge, big, humongous thank-you to all the contributors. Your fierce commitment to recovering from anorexia and your loving support for each other have truly surpassed my wildest dreams. This is what I wanted when I first created this site! I am humbled and honoured.
Please continue sharing and using this space here.
(I also know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.
However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.)
Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.
This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).
So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.
(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)
Here are a few things you may want to start out with:
- Do you get enough support from people around you?
- How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
- Have you found a food plan that works for you?
- How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
- Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
- How long have you been in recovery?
- What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?
Disclaimer: This site and this page specifically are not meant to be a substitute for face-to-face professional advice. If in doubt, or in an emergency, please visit your local health professional.
Hi girls,
My name is Emily, I live in Belgrade, Serbia. I’m 18 and for the last 9 months I’ve been struggling with my anorexia recovery. It all started when I was 14 and decided to eat healthier, so I gave up all the bad foods, but I still occasionally enjoyed sweets which I really like (without feeling guilty) Then, when I was 16 I started counting calories, I even started avoiding food that is healthy but has a high caloric value. Fat was my worst enemy. After spending 3 weeks on the seaside without my family (my mum precisely, because my father and brother past away) anorexia took control over me. I didn’t lose a lot of weight, I was 90 lbs at the height of 5’2”, but for my mum that was enough. I realized I had an ED, so it was me who told my mother (now I think that she wouldn’t have noticed my ED).
I started therapy, I gained 5 pounds but then I began purging. I thought I finally found the perfect solution-eating everything that my mum wants me to eat and not gaining weight. I thought that I looked best with 96 lbs, but my mum wanted me to have 100. That was too much for me, that was my weight before anorexia/binge-purging. How could I possibly go back to that after all the trouble and effort to be skinny??! All I wanted was to maintain my 96 lbs weight because I felt skinny and happy with my body. I have never intended to go below that weight because I felt beautiful.
Now I know that that state of mind couldn’t have lasted for long because I would have to control my food intake, organize my whole life according to stupid food…Which I never cared for when I was little (in fact, I didn’t like to eat, that was the last thing on my mind), when my family was whole and I had no cares… Anyway, I started purging and eventually it became so easy, I didn’t even have to use my fingers. My therapist didn’t know that, neither did my mum. It kept going for 8 months until my mother found out. OMG, I was so scared, I thought that she would leave me, that she would give up of me. She was so angry, but most of all disappointed. She lost her trust in me which is very important for me since she is all I have left… Now, after all the lies and manipulation have been revealed, I feel ready to move on. I told the truth to my therapist, my mother, but first of all to myself. 3 weeks have past that I didn’t binge, I restricted myself from sweets (because I used to eat them a lot and they were the main cause of purging) and I didn’t purge. But now, I’m afraid I will lose control and that it will start again… Please, help me, I don’t want to go back to counting calories, avoiding food and self-destruction.
I read your posts and I realize I’m not alone, that others feel the way I do. I feel like you are my friends even though I don’t know you. I know you understand…
Hey
I’m 16 and I’ve been struggling with anorexia and depression for 3 years. I spent much of last year hospitalised in an inpatient unit and am seeing psychologists and dieticians. I am in recovery now but things seem to be going downhill again and I’m scared. My weight is now back up to a level where the medical people aren’t worried about it though my periods haven’t come back yet. But I feel so huge. I’m miserable and looking in the mirror just makes me want to cry. I’ve lost almost all my friends from being out of school and I feel quite alone.
I’m determined to stay out of hospital and to make my family happy. This is just so hard though. I’m so sure I’d be happy if I was thinner again.
I just stumbled across this site and thought it was a good place to come – you guys all sound so supportive and I feel understood already.
Emily-
So sorry to hear about your brother and father. That must be so difficult <3 I'm glad that you have come here for support. A lot of us are in simular situations. Recovery is a very scary road. Your therapist and mother are there to help you. Make sure that you work with them and not against them. The fact that you came clean and told them the truth about purging is a huge step. It shows that you want to get better. Maybe you could see a nutritionist who could help you figure out what foods you need and what will work best for you? I know it's difficult but staying open about everything with the people around you will help keep you on track of recovery. And it's okay to tell them what you've told us, about being afraid of going back to restricting. The more they understand, the more they can try to help.
Vicki-
As important as it is to fight for your family you need to make sure that this is what you want too. Just remember how much healthier you will be staying in recovery. You say that you feel like you would be happier if you were thinner, but before you went into recovery can you honestly say that you were happy with yourself? I hope that you can talk about these things with your psychologist and family. One of the things I suggest doing is to make a list of all of the reasons that recovery is good. Keep it somewhere you can find it. Read it when things get hard. Add to it as you think of more reasons.
Thank you so much Chrisy
I’m going to write that list to remind me just why I do so want to get rid of anorexia for good. I know anorexia lies, I know that I still wasn’t happy when I was thin. But I still can’t help believing in it, it’s like my safety net. Sorry, I don’t know if I’m making any sense..
I hope you’re ok Chrisy, things sound really difficult with your mum. I really hope things are looking up a bit.
Hi Emily, I’m really sorry that things are so hard
. What Chrisy said is really good advice. I know it’s really scary. It’s great that you feel able to move on now, hold onto that.
Chrisy, thank you! I’m really glad I found this site, I always feel so much better after reading the other girls’ posts. I’m not sure if it will help you, but after my mum told me that she doesn’t have the strength to deal with my anorexia, I felt relieved. But she still controls me, and I wish she could stop paying so much attention. Sometimes too much of attention can be as non-productive as no attention at all… I guess it’s difficult to find the perfect middle…
Hi Vicky, thanks for the support! I’m glad you are determined to stay out of hospital and to fight this “monster”. One thing that helps me a lot is spending time with friends
I know you said you lost them, but try to reach them again or find new ones. I know it’s difficult, but try to redirect your energy from weight worries to sth that makes you happy. Before anorexia, I used to play the guitar, but now it’s been a year and a half I haven’t touched it… That’s my next goal, the less attention I pay to my “monster”, the weaker it gets.
I hope I didn’t upset you with my advice, but writing them is a reminder to myself, too.
Thanks Emily, I really appreciate the support and advice. I think it’s a really good idea for you to set playing guitar again as your next goal. Music can be great at lifting your mood. I play the accordion and I love it but on bad days it can be so hard to motivate myself. But when I do play I usually find it quite helpful so I’m trying to play more often now.
I will probably be starting college after the summer so hopefully I’ll make some new friends there.
I know exactly how you feel about your mum paying so much attention to you. My mum used to be like that too and our relationship was very tense, it can be really difficult. I found that when my mum learnt more about the therapy I’m getting she started to back off a bit. I think for my mum it was mainly because she felt powerless to help me and she didn’t understand what was going on. I hope that might be helpful in some way!
It’s such a relief to read what everyone says on here and realise that there are so many other people who are feeling the same as me. Anorexia makes you feel so isolated, it’s good to know that I’m not as alone as I think sometimes.
Vicki- I’m glad you’re going to use my suggestion, I hope it helps. You make perfect sense. I feel the exact same way. Thanks for the good wishes. College is a great way to have a new start. I just finished my freshman year. In the begginging I didn’t think I’d survive but after a few classes and making a few friends everything got so much better. Now I’d rather be there than in this house.
Emily- Why did you feel relieved when she said she didn’t have the strength to deal with it? And you’re right, it is hard to find the balance of making sure where okay and not driving us crazy. My psychologist told me that their jobs might be the hardest part of all of this. I kind of believe her (though at time I’m pretty positive that nothing hurts more than constantly battling with myself)
Chrisy- Sorry, I didn’t express myself precisely
(English is my second language).
At that moment I realized that it was/is ME who is responsible for getting better… All that time I was depending on my mother, my therapist, but in fact it is me who holds the key. I had been passive through the recovery and when my mum said that she just couldn’t talk about food anymore shook me up! Suddenly, all the attention which my ED was receiving was blown away. Then I realized that if I continue to pay so much attention to sth that is in process of disappearing, it will never be banished for good. Now, I’m trying to occupy myself not with myself, but with things that matter for me.
I hope I made it clearer somewhat
Emily you are so right! Take charge of your life, and don’t let your ED have all the focus.
I used to let my sports and running define me, until serious medical complications took that away from me. That is when I developed anorexia, it was my new focus- as well as everyone else’s focus. All my peers in high school only saw me as a crazy anorexic skeleton, my parents only saw me as how much food I ate at dinner… And I only saw myself as the body that had failed me, a failed athlete, but a perfect anorexic. It wasn’t until my therapist steered me towards art that I began a recovery. Because art replaced the focus in my heart that first had been running, and then anorexia. Once I began to push my ED to the side, everyone else did as well.
I might not be able to be a record athlete anymore, but I can be a best friend. I might not be able to walk normally ever again, but I can be a healthy active woman. I might not be a able to compete in a race again, but I can win an art competition. I might not be able to have the perfect relationship with my mom, but I can express myself like a champion.
My suggestion to all you girls out there is not to let your ED fill something that is missing inside of you. Identify what you have lost, and find a new FOCUS to help you cope and REDEFINE yourself. Don’t let EDs define you.
Sending all my love<3
Emily- that’s perfectly fine, thank you for clarifying. I’m glad you noticed the problem and are working to fix it. What are some of the things you’re doing? Maybe other people could get ideas from this.
Thank you for sharing your story Mara! It really is helpful. I’m glad you’ve come this far!
Mara- Thank you Mara! I agree very much with what you said that anorexia replaced the focus in your heart. For me it was playing the guitar and writing… I still haven’t started playing my guitar, but I can say that my writing inspiration has returned and I ‘m sooo happy
For a moment, I thought I had lost it, but it was just covered with a deep layer of ashes. I finally started digging, it hurts a lot and it’s very difficult, but there are tons of treasures to be found out!
The things I do to occupy myself include: swimming (or jogging, sometimes tennis), dancing to cheerful 80′s music, reading and… planning for my Project.
I think you girls should invent one for yourself, too:) For me, it’s to find a boyfriend! I try to go out as much as possible, try to approach guys (discovering different techniques) and be less shy and more flirty. I also try to dress more sexy (wearing heels, a bit of make up) and talk with a sweet voice. I don’t know whether it’s working, but at least I spend my time working for a positive change, that is, my Project
Hi Everyone.
So my name is Leelu and I’m 17 yrs old. I’ve been anorexic for a little over a year now. January 5th 2010 I was admitted to a ED ward in the hospital where i spent a little over 3 months. I got up to my minimal weight which was about 46 kg. I guess the problem was the i never really intended to keep all the weight on, I decided i just wanted to lose 1-2 kg and then I’d stop. Bad news – I haven’t stopped. I now weigh 43-42.5 kg and even though i want to stop losing i can’t seem to do it. I eat 5 times a day but very small portions and i end up throwing up every 2 days or so. Again, I don’t do this to lose weight, I just get so full it makes me sick. I don’t binge eat or anything, but i can’t seem to get my eating under control. Anyone got any tips on what I should do?
Hi Leelu,
First, I’d like to tell you that my minimal weight is also 46 kg and during my ED I had the same weight that you have now. I also had the same problem as you, eating and then throwing up (almost every day).
I think you should find as many things to occupy yourself so to think less about food. Maybe you should contact a therapist to find out what’s behind that eating pattern. I realized that for me it was a way to cope with my everyday problems (school, friends etc.) Also, eating and then throwing up, thinking about food, counting kcal is so time consuming! You end up thinking about THAT one problem while the real problems are pushed aside. It takes a lot of strength to deal with them and focus on what’s important, but it’s worth it
It won’t come easy and quickly, but if you put at least half of the energy you spend on ED thoughts, you will succeed! I hope i helped you, even a little.
Hope to hear from you soon, all the best!
Thanks so much for your advice. I’m pretty sure that my eating habits are a way of dealing with something deeper, I just need to figure out what that is. I really do want to fight this, so I hope in time things will get better. Best of luck to you all.
help me! ive regained almost all my weight and its horrible. i feel SICK when i look down at my thighs, calves, etc. to the point where i have mental break-downs and i get disgusted and nauseous just by putting on jeans in the morning. at school my day gets ruined when i see my reflection in the window. my lowest bmi was 15.1 and now its 17.9. i would kill to be back at my lightest weight. i feel like a cow, how do i get on with my life ?
Hi jilly,
How about hearing from someone who wishes they could be at that BMI. You have done well. Do not let it get you down that you have gained weight. It is what your body needs. Hang in there. You are a beautiful person!!!
Hey jilly.
I wish there was a quick-fix sort of solution to the way you’re feeling. I wish there was some sort of pill i could recommend you that would take away all those negative emotions. Unfortunately there isn’t, and even though friends and family can be there to support you, essentially this is something you have to fight on your own.
Something that helps me is to make a list of pro’s and con’s to being as thin as you were. Think of everything – your energy levels, your relationships with others, what you did with your time and what you thought about. Try to do this at a time you’re not feeling depressed about your weight – the con’s to being anorexic will be A LOT harder to come up with then. Anyhow write down that list and review it on days you just don’t feel like fighting anymore. Think of why you wanted to recover in the first place. Think of the self and food-obsessed person anorexia made you into. Then think of how great it’ll be when all this will be finally behind you. You’ll be healthy – mentally, physically – you’ll be able to have a normal life, normal relationships with others and with yourself. Please just hang in there and keep fighting because this is worth it! Take care of yourself!
Jilly I Know how you feel. When I went from a BMI of 13.5 to about 17.9 I felt hugee! But now my BMI is 20! I realise that 17.9 is still thin. You’re still under weight hun. I know it sounds impossible but you still have a little way to go before you’re a healthy weight. You just need time to adjust.
The initial weight gain is always the hardest to accept. Think about an empty bath. If you fill it up with a few inches of water, you’re going to notice it. But then if you pour a little more in, you’re hardly going to notice the difference. Just like your weight. The first bit is really hard to ignore, because you’re used to having virtually No fat there at all.
Keep up the good work you’re beating this ED, dont let it fool you into thinking you’re fat. It isn’t easy. But you can do it.
Hi,
This is my first time on the comment page so apologises if everything seems topsy turvy!
I am trying to recover from AN and finding it really hard going. Reading over some of your comments give me such relief, at last I thought, “someone with the same thought process as me, having the same feelings, the same battles day in day out. So this was one of the reasons I decided to make contact, after all as much as your family try and listen and help AN thought process and feelings, it must get to them sometimes aswell. Does anyone think the same?
Any way a brief note about me, I’m forty one, have a loving husband and son, they are both very helpful, kind and supportive and I love them to bits!
My AN started, I believe , as a continuation of OCD which I’ve suffered from nearly all my life. I would say it started when I was 5-6 yrs old and it’s ruled me ever since.
Sometimes I can deal with it and it’s just ‘there’ other times it’s controlled me to the extent I’m not able to function normal on a daily basis. activities/tasks /etc are an uphill struggle and therefore lead to depression, again I suffer from bouts of this aswell. The ED started not long after I became a Mum, watching my weight, comparing myself to other new Mum’s how thin they were and their baby was younger than mine etc etc. and really it just progressed from there, to the extent where I was really pleased with myself the less I ate or manged to go with out, or if I cut something else out of my diet.
My meals have always been more or less the same day in day out for a long time this is down to the OCD, I eat at the same time, have the same amount everything is counted or has to be justified in my own head. This is what I’m trying to break out of at the moment aswell as having to increase my food intake for the dreaded weight to go up!! I still hate this!
I know I have to do it and this is why i have a councillor and I have to get weighed every week so they can keep a check that I’m still going in the right direction but I still strive to go the opposite direction! I feel I’m far to fat, i feel I eat far too much, I want the thin feelings back, i want to be able to pull my belt to the last hole and they still feel big, not pulling on my tummy, legs and hips, God I hate that feeling!! I still get the feelings where I want to slice the fat off, (does anyone recognize this?)
I started my treatment about a year ago and I have put weight on, but my CBT says I’m still not at a healthy weight as my periods haven’t returned.
I do still get so low sometimes because I just feel a complete and utter mess, i feel dirty, lazy, a fat slob because now I find I can’t restrict my diet, I can’t go with out food like i used to and i hate myself for this. The torment in my head is always, ” you shouldn’t of had that, you’ve had far too much, your never going to be able to stop eating, you’re a glut, a greedy fat pig, your going to end up obese, and it goes on and on.
I hate getting in the shower or bath, can’t stand uncovering myself, can’t look at myself, I quickly get washed so I can get covered.
The only way I can get a bit of piece some days is to just to curl up and go to sleep.
Thoughts on a daily basis are food oriented one way or another, can’t seem to focus or concentrate on my work.
I suppose this is what’s meant by the term: battleing with AN, cos it is a battle.
I want to ask anyone out there if they have heard of ‘chewing and spitting’ I started doing this a few month back and at first it was quite comforting (even though I’m ashamed and it’s disgusting and i feel a freak) but know I’m trying to get out of this cycle. Anyone recognise this?
Phew! think I waffled on too much, sorry!
Look forward to anyone’s reply, help and advice
thanks Bella S
hey Bella,
AN really did get the best of me, too. Although i never had OCD, my anorexia had symptems of it. I was pretty rigid and i was compelled by some force to run and exert my self even at odd times. I can definitly recognize so many thigns you said, like fealing like a mess/beast for not being able to restrict, wanting to SAW my thigh muscle off, freaking out over a little bit of curvature on my abdomen, curling up and sleeping the pain away, being compelled to lose any weight possible, etc.
I went to an ED hospital in the winter for 3.5 weeks and ever since my family had been SO SO STRICT about keeping up the treatment. at first it was hell. worse than hell. alls i remember is be so depressed and disgusted and miserable i thopugh my life was worthless. i would have done ANYTHING to lose the weight i had been forced to put on. but im doing SOOOOOOOO much better now. im ambitious to go to the beach this friday and wear my suit! im actually happy. yet, food does control me still. however, im much healthier and sometimes i look at my body and think i look pretty good considering how miserable i used to be about it.
what i really wanna tell you is yes, its soooo terrible right now for you, but keep going. just do what you need to do and slowly things seem to fall back into place a bit. for me, im justso happy because im allowed to run again, which i love to do. i dont have my period yet, which is a downer b/c it makes my mom nag me about running too much blablabla. but just keep going, do the things you like, and remember that your not alone.
ps- about the chewing and spitting, i did it a bit too. i just messes with you r head and its unhumanly. but your not a freak! just work on it. its tough, i overcame for the most part the occasional purging, and lifes better without it.
Hey girls. It’s me again. Not sure if you remember me, I posted a while ago about how I was losing weight and couldn’t stop. Well I still haven’t and now I’m at 39- 38 kg. This is the weight I was originally hospitalized at. Anyway I started working and because I was away from home I ate less, but also ended up stopping purging. I thought “great, now I’m getting better” but that didn’t really turn out to be the case. First my 500-800 calorie diet fit into my life very nicely, but soon people began commenting on my weight loss. I pushed any help away because I figured I finally had my eating under control, but now I see that was a mistake. I’m feeling the effects of my deficient diet. I’m cold, I have no energy, I feel weak and tired almost all the time. I get full after tiny amounts of food, I have no desire to eat. I went to my friends and family to ask for help yesterday and they were very supportive. But now I’m faced with the reality of breaking my old habits and I’m not sure if I can do it without being hospitalized again. At the same time the hospital seems like the worse thing in the world to me, so I really don’t know. What should I do? Hope you all are doing fine.
hi all! im really looking for strong support and motivation to recover. I’m 16 and I’ve been struggling with anorexia for 3 and a half years now and have already tried to recover once but have relapsed over the past few months. I went to an adolescent medicine doctor two years ago and my weight at my lowest point was around 77 pounds and im 5 foot 2. My pulse was extremely low and the doctor strongly insisted i go to an inpatient unit. My parents are both doctors, though, and had confidence in me that I could recover on my own, so they ended up not sending me to the hospital. I was able to gain about ten pounds over the course of a few months and maintained/lost somewhere around that for a while. But a few months ago I began to go to the gym every day and soon I was burning up about 800 calories per session. I feel so awful about lying to my parents about where im going and how much im eating because i barely eat over 1300 calories a day not including what I burn up exercising. I feel horrible and many people have begun commenting on my low weight again, and i think ive hit about 78 pounds again. i really need the strength to recover, regain a social life. I want a boyfriend and to not have this ED consuming my thoughts anymore but I really find it hard to break my awful habits. and now, i feel addicted to the gym and even after extremely long and painful talks with my parents cant seem to adjust my eating/exercise. please help!
hi jess, its good you realize you want more out of life. im 17 and am recovering and have made a ton of progress because my parents dont let up on me even though i regained most of my weight. but this is such a struggle…i know if my parents stopped forcing me to eat a lot, then id lose the weight and be sick again. i feel like i have a lot in common with you about exercising…my ed swung into high speed when i began obsessivly running everyday without any days off. soon i needed to do more and would go for extra walks and try to burn even more while i was eating like 500-1000cal. now i am healthy enough to run again, and it is still a trap for me. i dont feel ok unless i run, even if i dont even feel like running. at first i didnt even care if i was unhealthy, but now im realizing that i need to get my period back because i want to have healthy bones.
I know that its not enough to say this, but its much better mentally once you regain some weight. the beginning is the hardest as you may know, it was so horrible and depressing and i had no will to eat(i hid any food i could)…but soon ( and very slowly) i began to have other motivations in life. i started in an inpatient place, which you may need to admit that you might need. i had strict overseeing with all food and weigh-ins. although i tryed ANYTHING to escape the horrible force feeding and stuff, i know i was glad deep inside that i was being forced out of this nightmare. so, my point it, your best bet is to do what i did: confess to your parents that you cant handel keeping yourself healthy and that you know youll be stuck in this cycle until someone forces you out of it. you just needto get the support. once you have undying support, you can cry all you want that you want them to leave you alone…but hopefully they wont
i know, what kills me is that i get such support from my parents and im so close to them and it hurts me so much to be doing this to them. they feel like theyve failed me as parents and its just not that way at all! but i still cant stop exercising and cutting back on what i eat… even though right after i feel so shameful and guilty!
PLEASE HELP ME
I haven’t been on this site cause I was just afraid to face my ED. Truth is, I am so conflicted. People, including some family friend who is an ED specialist say I look and am too skinny but I know that I still have belly flab. When I sit down, I can see a roll on my stomach and often when I am standing, I am bloated and my stomach can stick out. Part of it is because I’ve lost so much weight and now have excess skin (I have lost around 60 pounds), but part of it is still fat – I just know and I hate it.
The rest of my body is thinner (though not skinny enough for me). I can see my upper arms are thin (but with muscle cause I lift weights a lot) and I can see my collar bone and back bones.
But, if I still have belly fat, how can others be telling me I’m too skinny? My bmi is just under 20, so still in the normal range. I probably eat 1400 calories a day and exercise for about 1 hour/6 times a week. (I do a lot of weight training so I do have a lot of muscle). I’m a size 4 jeans. I just feel that people are lying to me when they say I look too skinny, cause I clearly have some fat/flab on my stomach.
I lost my period but maybe that’s because I don’t eat a lot of fat? It’s not like I eat 800 calories a day. I hear a lot of people who eat as many calories as me and are just fine. If I could just stay the same weight and lose the belly fat then that would be ok, but no matter how many situps I do, nothing makes it go away.
I weigh 119 but my doctor says I should get to 130 (I’m 5’6) but I just feel that she is trying to make me fat. At 130, I will have an even bigger belly.
Can someone please tell me what to do? Can I possibly really be too skinny? Someone wants me to go to a hospital cause I am not healthy, but I think they are making a big deal out of nothing. People in hospitals weigh 80 pounds. If you saw me, you would think I was normal – I’m sure of it.
Help it, I feel like dying
hi, sorry that i am the same person replying all the time, but i feel the need to whenever i see a new post like this.
Gail, the big thing is is that you do have a problem and its consuming you. You seem to think that your “not sick enough,” the same thing maaaany of us think. i thought it too and i needed to be hospitalized. With a bmi of 20, there isnt any way that you could have excess fat. A big sign is that you lost your period: a major sign that your body is lacking what it needs to sustain healthy living. One thing that struck me as so farmiliar in your message was that you still think your belly is too fat after all the weight loss. The thing is, you will NEVER be satisfied. when i ws losing weight, i was focused on my calves, then i decided my belly stuck out too mcuh, then my butt was to big, then once that lost a little weight my belly would seem too big again. it never ends.
if you want to be a healthy, strong woman that people can look up to, doesnt it seem that 130 is just fine? your stronger than ed. ed is making you obsessed with size. in reality, it doesnt matter that you have a little roll (EVERYONE including models have a belly roll sitting down.) its best to get the help now and escape this stupid trap while you can and before your body starts shutting even more down,
Hey Jess.
I think I can relate to how you feel. I’ve also slipped back into my old ways after only 3 months of being inpatient. I think you must have been terribly strong to recover on your own, because I don’t think that would have been possible for me. Right now I’m facing being hospitalized again, not because my weight is so low but because of the issues I have with eating and exercising. I feel bad for doing this to my parents to, even though it’s almost like I can’t even help it. What you need to do is realize all the things that lie beyond your eating disorder. If you ever want a family, or even just a decent relationship, friends and a “normal” life you have to let go of your ED. Think about 10 years from now, do you still think you’ll be able to live the way you are living now? The truth is you won’t. This is kind of what prompted me to ask my parents for help in the 1st place, even though I was almost 100% sure it would mean hospitalization or at least a lot of extra tension at home. I realized that anorexia is a quick road to no where because you are never enough. You are never thin enough, never strong enough, never good enough. And because you think like that you end up losing out on the important things in life. So try to think of that and make little steps of progress. At the beginning it’ll probably be impossible for you to do this on your own so you need to get your parents to support you. They can be little things like maybe not running as much one day, or eating a little more the next. Whatever you do, don’t give up because it’s just not worth it. Best of luck to you!
thanks! yeah i know i feel like there cant really be anything im aiming for so after i go on a crazy workout im like “well… why did i just do that?” even though it gives me like 5 min of an exercise high. i just feel awful and hate having my thoughts consumed by my ED… its so tiring. little things with my body have been scaring me… like lanugo and all of my spine bones sticking out.. im so afraid of becoming really sick and i understand that i cannot live like this at 77 pounds and not being able to fit into any clothes (even childrens!) its awful and i feel terrible. i just need support and im starting to go to a doc next week
i need HELLLLP please..someone!! i have noone who relates to what im going through right now. Ugh im going through ‘recovery’ and finding it impossible!!
( My nutritionist gave me a MP and i haven’t been able to follow it AT ALL!! ive been doing more excerise and still restricting my lunch and sometimes not eating for 6 hours!! Thats not the worst part though. The worst part is the b/p. After my dinner i just pig out literally,i eat everything in sight and then… you guessed it i purge it up and STILL feel disgustingly fat.i feel soooo hopeless and alone and FAT!! Anyone out there who can help…im in a very dark place right now..:(((
Heyy everyone,
I havent posted anything in ages!!! Nice to talk to everyone that I haven’t and to those i have I miss you.
Things have been going really quite well for me. I still struggle everyday, but my eating has become such a routine that it is now feels ok. I never used to purge but it has happened a handful of times in the past few months. I dont want to do it again. Its not worth it. I used to feel as though I would rather die than eat a cookie, but now i have a sweet nearly everyday! My body image still has a long way to go. I figure I must start to accept my body now because if not now then when. How have you guys worked to improve your body image and self esteem?
Dont be hard on yourself.. your nutritionist knows what your body needs. The more regularly you eat, the less likely you will binge and purge. To try and get your mind off your meal plan. try knitting(im serious it helps), going for a slow walk to the beach or to a nice park if you are strong enough, reading, watching a favorite tv show, gentle yoga ect. You can do it. You are not alone!
xoabbey
Hi everyone !
I am 17 years old and I’ve decided to post something on this because I think admitting I have a problem is the hardest step for me to take and I’d rather talk to people who understnad what im going through if that makes sense. I started a little “diet” around June of last year because i wasn’t happy with how my stomch looked. it turned into this monstrous demon and i now weigh 98 lbs. im 5’3″.. i know that’s not as underweight as some other people but at my lowest i weighed 89 lbs. im trying to recover and become healthy but im doing it all by myslef because im too scared to tell anyone. idk what to do because it’s so hard. i don’t want to gain weight and get a big stomch again. im so scared and i feel so alone. also i lost all of my closest friends recently because they decided i wasn’t fun anymore and they didn’t want to deal with my disease. i need some support.
Ell, i can completly relate to the friends thing..My housemates decided not to live with me for the next college year cos they don’t want to deal with my disease aswell,i can completely relate. I too am very lonely and am only relying on forums with other people in the same situation.Its helping slightly but i need more…
Oh my.. that’s so sad. Yeah i know what you mean though because you want your friends to be there for you. I never told my friend what exactly was wrong with me i just said i was really sick and i needed their support now more than ever. Then they shut me out and said they really didn’t care that i was sick.. i just dont get it. Why do people have to be so nasty ? I think part of it might be jealousy because im skinnier than all of them but i would never want anyone to go through this just to be skinny. i hate it. i wish i was normal and happy and carefree.
friends* it’s a lot more than one friend.
Hi everyone.
I´m new to this forum, and its so great to see i´m not alone. I´ve been ill for about four years, and was actually doing pretty well untill recently, when, i reached my target, healthy, weight, but got scared sick. – WHY DID ALL THE WEIGHT END UP IN THE FACE EREA? how long did it take you to get your normal proportions back?:/
Anyways…I couldn´t do it, lost ten kilos. The worst thing is; i know i felt better at a higher weight but i´m STILL too scared too gain it back.
Hope everyone doing well(:
K
I am 48, single mother of 5 who has struggled since 18 yrs old. I have many triggers for inspiration to continue to live…as I nearly died…but I am not fully recovered nor not sure, like most addicts, I ever will be. Finding someone/something to care/love/control/own and be accountable for that is far more important than what you see in the mirror is what keeps me alive.
well i havent posted in a while..things got good for a while i started eating bit by bit and even though my mind was telling me to stop and in my head it was like a war, my body and my family was really giving me support to continue..well that lasted for about a couple weeks. i got up to 92 lbs and idk what happend but over a couple days i just started wanting to go back to my old ways and when i moved about about a month ago that made it easier to go back to my ed. so i did. it was harder the 1st few days cause once you start eating for a while you actually get hungry..but after the first 2 days my body got used to it again..i was just drinking water and green tea but also ended up taking water weight pills again. i felt so ashamed that i gave in to it after doing well for tht short time but at the same time i felt that satisfaction..so saad i know. well i ended up at 76 lbs i’ve been walking about 5 miles a day at that..i think this past few months its gotten worse than ever. i just got home from the hospital 2 days ago, i ended up fainting at the river i was put on a feeding tube for a few days and the doc told me and my parents my bones are really bad along with my heart. i dont know how i ended up here ..my mom is staying with me now at my place and they want to send me to a treatment center but im not about to do that. i feel i can do this on my own i just need to fix my brain and the way it works..sometimes i dont even feel alive (if that mmakes any sense) sometimes i feel like im just a waste of flesh..im not dancing anymore..no more modeling..no more best friend..and the guy that was in my life isnt so much anymore. imm constantly thinking..why cant i just be normal i dont want this but i cant get rid of it.. why cant i just not care? im in so much pain physically and emotionally..i feel so alone yet my family is always giving support and trying to help.. its like its hard to open up with them cause they dont understand and i know that..iits so hard to just get comfy in my bed it even just hurts to walk. i want to get better so bad this just seems like a never ending journey..when things get better it never fails they alwys end up getting 100 times worse later. i wish i had a friend that understood exactly what i was going thru..and someone to just talk to..idk i always just unload everything on here. sorry for going on so much..
<3
Aww Becky, I feel so bad that you’ve been dragged back into this horrible disorder. I remember being where you are now. Its not a good place to be. And thinking back I’m like, why did I torture myself so much? You dont deserve to feel that way. You deserve to feel happy and healthy, full of energy and life. You must try and get your weight back up before any more long term damage is done
! I believe in you. I know how hard it is to fight against it. Although I’m a healthy weight now, I still have thoughts about going back to my old ways. Its so not worth it. I love being able live my life! Have friends! Be with my bf! Know that my parents aren’t worried. Do normal thingss! I’m just back from a musical festival which was awesomee! I love music and ana even took that from me! Last year I missed the U2 concert because I was too frail and wasn’t allowed! But I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it anyway, because ana doesn’t let you enjoy anythingg. She takes everything from you. Noone wants that? You cann beat thiss !!x
I too couldn’t dance anymore, I lost a boyfriend, lost a husband, refused therapy…only until when I shattered bones due to osteo; realized I was infertile and desperately wanted children and met a physician/nurse that literally told me how grotesque I looked, and they refused to treat me for infertility until I let the eating disorder treatment take care of me did I realize…I can not do this alone, I will die…so I had to choose, die or live…I chose live…you should too and seek the treatment right now you don’t think you need…this is a lonely addiction only enabled to get worse by thinking you can do it alone.
just testing, to see whether this comment section works.
testing II
hey everyone..
i was commenting on the anorexia #1..but it came too crowded, so i was wonderin if you could invite me to join your family.:)
so, im aliza and im recovering from anorexia and major depression. i am 5 pounds away from being a healthy weight. im at a..weird stage in my recovery, and my parents think im totally recovered, but i want to lose weight again.
i feel so stupid because i eat all the time. i eat like a normal person now and it took me so long to get here. i dont count calories as strickly.
i really wanna lose weight:(
help:(
i feel so broken and alone. i feel like im falling back into this.
i threw up 4 times today and am still full.
alizia, im in the EXACT same place as you. im not too far from a weight where id get my period and i eat normally and dont even need my parents supervision to eat breakfast…but this is far from over and i too throw up a little everyday(although it kinda comes up on its own and i just force it out). but for me, im a runner and i wont be allowed to run if i lose weight so i make sure im doing my best to eat up and maintain. think of the things youd be sacrificing if you lost weight. sure, you’d feel more attractive, but your bones will be fragile and you will lose muscle tone. additionally, you want to keep healthy so you can be a role model to your kids or so you can HAVE future kids
thanks jilly, im a runner too. and i had to stop for a little while, but i started back up again. i need to run 5 kilometers a day to keep my weight stable. im scared for winter when i wont be able to run, im gonna gain so much or ill have to eat less. i really dont wanna do that because i love to eat. i eat constantly, but i feel so fat:(
i saw a girl today and she was model like, but she must have been less than 95 pounds. but i thought she looked scary skinny and i thought it was unattractive. shes not sick because she goes to my school and i see her eat like a normal person. i want to be curvey and not look like that. and i dont know why i cant feel beautioful when i gain weight:(
<3 hope youre all doing wellll<3
ps. some people say that theyre having trouble accessing this site, so there may not be many ppl commenting..
Hello Aliza & Jilly,
I started on the recovery path about year and a half ago, I suffer with depression and ocd, I suppose they come hand in hand.
It’s a uphill battle 24-7! I too nearly at a healthy weight, but my periods still haven’t returned. Of course to me I’m over weight, I can’t understand how my doc and my ED nurse say I need to gain more.
They must be able to see what I see? That’s what i say to myself all the time.
I feel ashamed to say it but I so crave to be thin again, to have that feeling of knowing clothes are going to hang and be baggy, of not having the anxiety and the feeling of dread when it’s time to try an item of clothing on which I know isn’t going to feel like it ‘used to’. Don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else?
I find it hard describing how i feel when I’ve gained weight and my clothes feel different, it just drags me down, my mood drops, all the symptons of the depression sets in. All i feel like doing is slicing the fat off, I could just tear it off!
At the same time however, i want to eat! as you mentioned once you start eating it’s hard to restrict again. I get so annoyed at myself for not been able to restrict like I used to, I still see it as a failing. All this going on in your head at the same time, it’s like having hundreds of arguments with yourself.
I don’t bring food back or vomit but I do chew and spit, which I hate doing but can’t seem to get on top of this and cut it out. I don’t do it with all foods just bread mostly.
I would live to hear if anyone out there has come across this or does this habit, or used to do it but overcome it. I would love some advice, as I think I’m abnormal for doing this behaviour.
Please keep in touch
Bella s
Dear Aliza and Jilly. Congrats on coming such a long way! I was soooo close to recovery as well, but ana dragget me back down. I was 4 kilos away from my healthy weight, and I did actually feel stronger mentally, but I got scared and wantet to loose “some” weight. Should never have done that; now I´ve lost 9 kilos and I have to gain it all back. I hate this and I hate to think about how close I was to beat ana.
Please, be strong and don´t let the ed take control now. It won´t feel better in the end. I promise, and I´m sure you both know, that it will only make things worse.
I´m trying to gain, even though it feels awful to eat like a normal person. I don´t want to get to that point where I look “healthy” and people will think I´m fine even though it´s as hard as ever, because they´re wrong, it feels awful. BUT I think it might be better after a while, when the you, people around you, are used to “the new” healthy you, and the weight have been redistributed..I hope so…
And I hope this made sense…
Good night fighters(:
Bella S;
I feel exactly the same way…But, when I think about wanting to be thin again, I try to remember this: if there´s ONE thing I´m good at, it´s being thin. I KNOW how to loose weight. I´m really good at it. So, that is something I can always come back to if all else fails, I will never forget how to do it. But I still haven´t given myself a chance to be happy at a normal weight, so why not try that for a while before deciding if I feel better as an anorexic…You know?
K
I actually can not standddddd how FATTT I am now!! I cant take this anymore!
Me too Kayla…..I´m on a dietplan now. 1600 cal. I get so tired after every meal. HATE THIS. Is it normal to get so effin´exhausted???!