This is a special area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia, which was then moved here and then here.
A great, huge, big, humongous thank-you to all the contributors. Your fierce commitment to recovering from anorexia and your loving support for each other have truly surpassed my wildest dreams. This is what I wanted when I first created this site! I am humbled and honoured.
Please continue sharing and using this space here.
(I also know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.
However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.)
Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.
This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).
So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.
(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)
Here are a few things you may want to start out with:
- Do you get enough support from people around you?
- How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
- Have you found a food plan that works for you?
- How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
- Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
- How long have you been in recovery?
- What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?
Disclaimer: This site and this page specifically are not meant to be a substitute for face-to-face professional advice. If in doubt, or in an emergency, please visit your local health professional.
So many posts since I was last on!!
Yesterday I had a joint birthday celebration with some friends. Normally i would make up some excuse to eat something else or eat before but I had I had pizza, popcorn and cake throughout the course of the night. This morning I didnt feel great about it but on the other hand Im proud of myself to think how far I have come since my last birthday. I think ive had it with always making excuses in order to aviod certain outings with friends or to avoid having to eat certain things.
Hows everyone doing? Jilly it’s great to see your posts again.
Take care xo
Chrisy, you have come so far, do not go back. You know anorexia is only going to bring death to you. You have a wonderful boyfriend. Can you/do you go to him for support? My boyfriend supports me a lot, and he makes me feel better all the time. Just him listening to me makes me feel better if he doesn’t understand/don’t know what to say.
What do you want to do in your future? Do you want to have a healthy relationship with yourself *and* other people? An ED will not let you do this. There is so much in store for you in life. Do not let an ED rob it from you. You deserve it so, so much.
Jilly, being healthy and recovering from your eating disorder is having a healthy relationship with food AND yourself. It is difficult, I know, but it is doable.
I gained about 15 pounds, too, in my recovery, and yes, I do not like my tummy, but you know what? I like Life. I want to live, I don’t want to die. There’s so much in store for me, and I’ll only get this once so I’m going to enjoy a long life, if I do live that many years. I have to do the most I can, and I want to. I want to go travel around the world, I want to go sky diving and bungee jumping. I want to go swim under the ocean and see all the marine life. I want to grow up, marry, and have kids. I want to be a mom and give them the best I can because I know from experience how awful it is to not have a mom. What do you want to do? Anorexia will kill you only and rob you of all your dreams. Stay strong, xo.
I’ve gained nearly 15 pounds too! And I hate my stomach ! Aha ! I guess we’re on the same wave length!!
xxx
Hi Nature. Can I ask how old you are?
Kayla, I felt so alone in my stomach poofiness! My weight has stabilized, and so has my stomach it seems… I WANT IT TO GO! Aha, would be nice if it went towards my legs.
Sure Rochelle, I’m turning 17 this year.
Nature-
I always go to my boyfriend for support. He is absolutely amazing and so easy to talk to… but I don’t think he fully understands how hard it is. It’s just eating, just food, and a few pounds, and a few words like “beautiful” should make everything okay. I don’t know how to explain to him. It’s just good to see how much he cares though. And he does try. I don’t hold the faults against him because I don’t expect him to understand. He is a little over weight and it all probably just seems simple. Just eat. Easy solution, right? And when I do start eating he thinks it’s all okay. But that doesn’t mean anything at all. And thank you so much for your encouragement. You’re always here for me and that means a lot.
You are much wiser than your years Nature.
Sorry I said I’ve gained nearly 15 pounds! But I just realised I meant KILO !
I’ve actually gained about 31 POUNDS ! OMG !!!
xx
Oh my goodness, I thought I sent a post here.
Chrisy, as you said, he is there to listen, and that is very wonderful. My boyfriend and I share everything as well, and the first time I told him of my problems was when I was 13 or 14. At first he could only say “okay” or “all right” because he had no idea what it was like, but then he asked questions as well. I tried to explain clearly. Of course I didn’t say everything all at once. I wasn’t comfortable with it.
What helped him understand more was me telling him how it started and why it continued. That way, he saw why I did it and why I continued it. Of course you don’t have to do it all at once. We shared bits and pieces over three years, and I must say, he understands a lot now. More than any of my family members.
Rochelle, sometimes I wish I was younger in the mind than my age. I don’t know why I’m this way, but sometimes I find it very uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Kayla, take a deep breath. You are LIVING now and NOT dying. So congratulate yourself on surviving through this awful illness!!! It might seem scary, but you are at a healthy weight now, yes? You are NOT fat. The numbers do not matter. You are more than a number.
Yeah, I’m at a BMI – 18/19. I know! STUPID NUMBERS!
Ironically, I never used to bother about the numbers until I began to see a doctor and get weighed. I always just judged my weight loss by my image. I didn’t even own a scale aha! Although, after being told to gain weight I got one so that I could make sure I was gaining. Although deep down I was making sure I was losing! But I’m over all that now!! Thank God! .. Babbling again aha !
Nature, I cant believe your only 16. You’ve been through a lot. xxx
Hey Kayla, I’ve never owned a scale either until just recently. Sometimes I feel like I’ve gained a lot of weight because I’m just sitting and doing nothing most of the time so in a way, it is reassuring for me to see that I haven’t really gone up, although I must admit, I do feel thrilled if my weight fluctuates down a few pounds! BUT, I am strong enough to not have it as a means of control anymore, so it doesn’t make me crash into dieting/starving anymore.
You are doing a really good job! I remember when my BMI was in the 18 zone. I still had a few pounds to go until I was at my healthy weight. I think my BMI is 19-20, and that seems to be a healthy place for my body since I’ve got my period back and have had it for half a year each month now,
.
And yeah, I guess I have been through a lot. Before I wished I could be younger since I felt robbed of my childhood, but now I can’t wait to grow up, aha! I want to finish school and go into nursing or social work,
.
Hi everyone, i havnt posted for ages!!! Im finding it so so hard at the moment to keep myself on track. I have put on 4 pounds and it is really getting me down, i really want to get better but i also am so much happier when i am thin. I hate how much this thing controls me and everytime i try to fight it as soon as I put on weight i just feel like giving up. I have got to the stage where i am so so worried about putting on weight that i am slipping back into starving again.I just dont know what to do.
Clemmie, take a deep breath. You know that you are on the right track. Anorexia will only kill you in the end.
I know we feel good when we lose weight or we feel thin, but that is artificial. There are sooo many consequences with anorexia. It will rob you of everything. I’m sure you know this.
Give yourself a pat on the back! You’re doing great. You’re taking steps towards living happily, not dying miserably. Please do not give up.
Clemmie, as nature said, anorexia gives you a FALSE sense of happiness. I suppose you could compare it to any other addiction. If you take drugs or drink alcohol for example, it gives you a quick fix for a short time, but only leaves you feeling 10 times worse when the feeling fades. And you believe the only way too feel better is to take more(eat less), but then you get used to it and you need more and more (or lose more and more weight). Eventually it no longer makes you feel good but you cannot stop. And it will eventually kill you.
The only way to find TRUE happiness, is to recover. Although in a sense anorexia is probably more difficult to fight than another addiction. Because an alcoholic would just avoid drink completly! But food and eating is something we all have to deal with every day! But it is possible! You can do it xx
I have reently told a teacher I think I have a problem, I am 16 5″5 and 114 lbs I’m no thin, and I do by have the will power to do anything, I managed to go a couple of months with out my head of year telling my parents, and I ahte that my mum keeps going on to me thinking she knows what’s best for me, I don’t know if I am speaking to the right people here. But i have a meeting with the school nurse on Wednesday, I am scared he is going to say the things I do not want to hear. My mum keeps telling me I am never going to be able to do what I want, because I have not the energy to study. I don’t want to gain weight I get so jelous of people who are thinner than me and I HATE people telling me that I am skinny as I can’t see that. I’m sorry if I don’t belong in the chat but I ahd to get that out
x
Hannah, you are very welcome here. I’m sorry for the late response, I wasn’t much on the computer this weekend.
You know, when people think they have a problem, they usually do. Now that’s not a bad thing, it just means that there are things you need to improve on to make yourself happier. I have lots of problems, too, and eating was and sometimes still is a problem for me.
You are a growing young girl, and you need lots of food to keep healthy. An eating disorder will only kill you in the end.
What do you want to do in the future? Do you think it’s possible for you to do those things if you’re sick and unhealthy? An eating disorder IS an illness. It will make you very sick if you don’t get the treatment for it (food and lots of emotional support from the people you care about).
Take good care, and hop on by whenever, okay?
Love,
Nature.
Hey, how is everyone doing?
Today hasnt been a good day for me. . My mom told me that my family is booking a trip to mexico for next christmas to the exact same place that I started to seriously restrict. I have such bad memories of the hotel and trip that even though it is a ways a way I dont think i want to go. Just thinking about the place and my past experience makes me want to restrict. I was also weighed today and my weight keeps going up even though im no longer trying to gain weight. Im having my family birthday dinner on thurs. and I want to have my own cake and enjoy my dinner but im really scared. This is bizarre because ive been doing really well and Ive been eating dessert without ridiculous amount of worry for a while now. Any advice?
abbey
Hi Abbey,
I feel the same way…pretty much about everything going on right now. I keep gaining weight too, and I don’t have to. (I’m assuming my body is adjusting itself to where it wants to be, but I don’t like it very much.) I’ve been working out regularly, but not at all excessively. I’ve been doing pretty well too, up until the past few days. I guess I’m trying to hold onto the idea that, while it is difficult to gain weight, and I’m not happy about it, I was MUCH MUCH more depressed when I was restricting and not able to exercise/go out and have fun/eat yummy food. It’s taken a while, but I think it will continue to get easier, and eventually our weights will work themselves out. (I’m hoping, and holding out for this to happen…I think it will
Family dinners, especially holidays/birthdays/etc., have always been hard for me. While my immediate family consists of five people, my extended family includes over 30 of us, most of whom know about my eating disorder. I am currently doing “well”, but I still get weird/suspicious/unsure looks from family members and always have some anxiety about going over for dinner and dessert. Now I’m in enough control that it’s easier if I try not to think about the food portion. If you can, try to enjoy dinner and dessert. Try to focus on the conversation and the people, and just eat as much as you feel comfortable with.
As far as Mexico goes, I’m not sure what to say. My family has a house in Carmel, CA, and the last time I was there (after Thanksgiving ’09), I was severely restricting, depressed, and contemplating suicide. The thought of going back to the beach, or ocean, or Carmel, or the house absolutely terrifies me. I haven’t been confronted with the situation yet, but I know I eventually will. Have you tried talking to your family, and letting them know how you feel? Even if they can’t change the plans, could they possibly offer support?
I have a very big problem with associating things with my ED (certain food, places, people, habits), and it causes me to live in the past more than I necessarily want. Maybe try taking a few deep breaths, and reminding yourself that you are in a different place in your life. I think acknowledging that the last time you went to Mexico, it was bad, but it doesn’t have to be this time around. I haven’t tried this for Carmel because I haven’t had the need to, but it is what I’d try.
If this sparks any ideas, please let me know, too! I’ll need to use them at one point or another. If you want, let us know how your birthday goes, or if we can offer any more support. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping for the best
~jordy
Hey girls,
. Nice to hear from everyone again!
I totally understand associating things with your past ED experiences and all… I get the same way with other things in my life, too. For instance, when I hear some certain people’s names… I cringe. When I come close to certain dates like birthdays, it reminds me of how I restricted all day to just have the dinner and no dessert, etc. etc. One time at work, I saw this container labeled “blades” with razor blades inside them, and it spiraled me into an anxiety attack because I am still not too good with the self harm issues I have even though I have stopped.
And yes, things that remind me of the past gets me feeling depressed again. It really is hard,
. I just noticed recently that if I am really stressed, I don’t feel hungry at all and subconsciously decide to not eat because I have no appetite and don’t feel like it due to stress. The past few days I probably only had a few hundred calories, and that is TOTALLY not like me because I have been eating a healthy amount every single day for a long, long time. I really have to watch myself, but making myself eat when I’m stressed is proving to be a battle, and when your body is deprived of food, anorexic thinking comes into play to make it even more complex, 
. This really is a long battle, sigh.
But you know what? I think us three are all pretty much in the same boat. We’re ALIVE now and living, and yes, sometimes it’s uncomfortable to think about our weights and the past, but like Jordy said, we’re in a better place now. We’re happier than before, and that’s more important, right? We don’t want to be depressed every day, and I like Life now. Don’t you? So let’s try our best to nourish our special, unique bodies, and give them the best that we can offer,
. Life’s too short to be counting calories!
I want to get out of my rut. I eat the same things every single day. That is okay with me. What I want to do is add to it. I know, add a little each day. I am having a hard time doing that. I keep counting and I know that just sitting still you need 1500, but I can’t seem to get myself over this hurdle. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Hey Rochelle,
Just try your best not to count. I know this is hard. I still have a hard time eating when I am very stressed, too.
Just take food as food. It has lots of lovely nutrients, and it will nourish your body and fuel you. One of the other ladies in the other pages, Tracie, said think of our bodies like a car. The car needs fuel to run. We need food to function.
rochelle- hi there im aliyah. i agree with nature, try ur best not to count, anduno buy foods with no cal info on it, it actually helps but dont restrict later.
try adding in a wee extra thing here and there so if u have a snack before u go to bed, add something like a banana or a cookie, and add a few small thing at ur own pace and it will help.
but also write a list of the foods u want to try and as u try them tick it off. it will make u feel better, and make u feel like ur acomploshing something!
stay strong, and never deprive urself ok hun? a starved mind is going to think about food more. and anything less than 1800 is not enough, so try to build it up.
rochelle- hi there im aliyah. i agree with nature, try ur best not to count, anduno buy foods with no cal info on it, it actually helps but dont restrict later.
try adding in a wee extra thing here and there so if u have a snack before u go to bed, add something like a banana or a cookie, and add a few small thing at ur own pace and it will help.
but also write a list of the foods u want to try and as u try them tick it off. it will make u feel better, and make u feel like ur acomploshing something!
stay strong, and never deprive urself ok hun? a starved mind is going to think about food more. and anything less than 1800 is not enough, so try to build it up.
Hi Aliyah,
Thank you for your support. 1800 is a long ways to go. I am trying all that I can to not think about the “lunch” that I am having during the day. I am proud of that accomplishment, just giving in and eating something during the day. Yesterday I actually had something when I was hungry and did try to wait all day before I had something. And you know what, I was okay. I have a hard time not counting calories and I know the target amount that I allow myself. When I don’t meet that, I know that I have to have something to go over that. Sometimes when I feel that way, I still end up going overboard. I guess that is okay though. I still wish I didn’t have this disorder and things would go back to the way that they were. I have isolated myself for too long now. Here’s to a new day and a happy tomorrow. ….1800 here I come.
I just have a question… a lot of people blame the media for so many people having eating disorders… but I’ve never been one to pay attention to who weighs what, what celebrity has lost, what celebrity has gained. I couldn’t even name most celebrity’s. I was just wondering what you guys think. Has the media affected you?
I have no idea. Society tends to blame everything on the media! Like kids becoming gangsters, criminals, eating disorders, etc. I know that lots of celebrities are feeling pressured to be thin to fit the “celebrity figure” and have eating disorders themselves, but I think that’s more to do with them not feeling adequate/enough and beautiful since maybe they think that all their celebrity accomplices are? I don’t know what goes through their heads, but I’m pretty sure it’s pressure and fitting in to that image.
For the rest of the others, though, I think there are some people who feel pressured to fit into what society thinks “beautiful”, which is, of course, being thin.
I can only speak for myself, though. I got an ED because my mother called me fat at 105lbs and 5’3″ when I was 14, and since I already lost her to her depression, a thought ran through my head. “Maybe if I was just skinny, she’d come back into my life.”
Wow it’s been quiet here. I haven’t been around in a while. I was doing okay. My weight seems to have leveled off at a decently “low” number. Low enough for me not to freak, high enough to keep the doctor happy on my bi-weekly visits. But I’m not okay. I’m not happy eating anymore. I want to starve but I can’t. And I want to make myself sick and get rid of it but I shouldn’t. I’m going crazy. I don’t even want to be posting here but some small part of me just knows that it’s not what I really want, it’s just the disorder. So I’m going to cling to this last thread of hope. How can a website keep me held together?
How do you know when you’re “ready” to recover? It’s not supposed to be something you rush into. I want to lose weight! But if I lose two pounds I’m back in therapy. I’m going crazy.
Chrisy- I am having trouble with that too. I am in treatment but I don’t know if I am ready to recover…
and I am tired of wearing the “I want recovery mask.” I am sorry I don’t have anything too positive to say and I am sorry you are struggling but I guess it is nice to know someone is thinking the same thing.
I can relate to having no positive feelings towards recovery.
Chrisy, I know gaining weight to where you are considered in your normal range is terrifying. The thing is holding on to your ed only makes it harder to let go. I am now in the low end of my weight range and for the longest time i was stuck at a point that wasn’t life threatening but at a point where my body wanted more food and where I wasn’t going to get my period. Being at a healthy weight is so important for your body’s functions. The more that you diet or lose then gain the more you are confusing your metabolism which in the long run makes it a lot harder maintain a healthy weight later in life.
I just got back from a vacation to my grandparents. My grandparents have a huge problem with food. ALthough my grandma functions and has always been so good to her family(apart from her food comments) I would say she has an ed. Throughout the week I watched her eat her routine meals(none of which could be called meals) as I ate my in comparison massive meals. I really surprised myself at how well I did. Maybe it was because when Im 77 I don’t want to say after a really nice dinner “we don’t go to places like that because we don’t really like food.” Every day I woke up feeling like I had gained 5 pounds but I know that my ed is just trying to trick me.
hope everyone is doing well xxo
Oh gosh, I relate to everything so much. Some days I feel like I eat because I have no choice, and it’s not that I’m trying to “get better”, it’s just I have no choice.
It’s been a year in recovery for me, for everything really… my depression, self harm, ED, and all that jazz, and I look back to all I’ve gone through and realize that I haven’t learned as much as I would have expected. Every day is so different, sometimes I’m good, on others not so well… I wonder how I’m going to get through another year like this!
Sometimes when I think I’m ready, I go a few steps forward and realize that I’m not comfortable at all with it. But that doesn’t really matter in my opinion. If you bother over the fact that you FEEL that you’re uncomfortable with moving forward, you will never get anywhere, more than likely only backwards. What you feel is not always accurate, especially when we have such distorted views toward ourselves, food, and recovery.
The facts are obvious. Continuation of ED = death. I know it seems really blunt, but that is how it really is. Even if you don’t feel like moving forward, but you make yourself, you will start realizing that life can be better and there is so much more than just food. I was always afraid to let go of my issues because I didn’t know who I was without them. I’m still learning about myself.
We all have those really bad days, but life can get better. I am finally starting to feel better and well emotionally, and that is a big thing for me. I haven’t felt this much peace in so many years. I want to live now. I don’t want to die anymore, which I chose foolishly a year ago.
I’m 15 and have been struggling with anorexia since I had serious hip surgery about 6 months ago. My therapist has helped me accept that I do have a problem, and recently I’ve made huge recovery gains. But I feel like my anorexia is just turning into some other disorder. I’m gaining weight wayyy too fast and unhealthily through binging. I’ve gone from strict restricted eating to suddenly haveing zero control. I don’t know what to do with this new hunger, and so I just eat and eat and eat junk food. I’m constantly bloated and sluggish now. Nobody will help me because they are so thrilled i’m finally gaining weight. Nobody understands how much more depressed this uncontrolable bingeing makes me. On the anorexia talk I read of some other women who also found the delight of finally allowing themselves to eat just too much to handle. I’m afraid of relapsing now. Why can’t I control my eating at all anymore when just last month I had no need for food? Help me please.
BTW i’m 5’9″ my lowest weight was 108, now i’m almost 120. But i’ve gained almost 5 lbs just in the last 5 days from bingeing.
hey girls, im 18, a freshman in college, and having been dealing with disordered eating since middle of junior year in HS. I think it started when my horse got injured-kind of a long story i’ll tell it if anyone is really interested. Anyway, it actually started when I wanted to run faster my senior year on the cross country team, so I got a personal coach and started “eating healthy”. I was fine (or so I thought) until i saw the scale before senior year. I was a whale at 114 and 5’3″ but i had boobs and guys really noticed me. Well i dropped down to 108 that fall, and I was happy there, but then I had several bad horse shows that november and by christmas I was down to 103. i didn’t really realize the grip or “slippery slope”, as its sometimes called, that I was on.
Well my family and I went to paris that christmas, and I had chocolate croissants! boy were they delicious, but as soon as we returned home I weighed myself. I was overjoyed to see I hadn’t put on any weight. i was doing well for the next 2 months, I exercised regularly and maintained a 103-105 healthy range. But as graduation approached, things fell apart. I had a falling out with one of my best guy friends and did some really embarrassing things at a party which caused a lot of my friends to be disgusted in me. by graduation that may, I was 100, my dress barely fit because we had gotten it measured 2 months earlier. By that time, my eating was so disordered, I counted calories obsessively staying around 1500 even though I would ride horses AND run and do weights or kickboxing. but, i still had much of girlish figure and 100 isn’t too light. I still ate.
I have never been one of those girls to go days without eating and then only eat like a few grapes. But knowing when and where and what I am going to eat occupies most of my thoughts. I look up the calories at restaurants and the food I eat. That summer or last summer i guess, I saw a therapist and it kind of helped, but in reality I was still my stubborn, perfectionist self when I went off to college.
Instead of gaining the freshman 15, I have since lost almost 12 pounds. It started within the first month, I saw the scale go below 100 and I got waaaayyy to excited.
I’m sure most of you know the drill, you get used to seeing a certain number on the scale-a number you know is too low- but you don’t want that number to go up because then you feel as though you have lost control. Being at college actually made it easier to control my food, I don’t like the dorm food it’s awful and having class all day, I only had time for a light lunch and then I would work out and have a light dinner.
Now i’m at the point where all i do is think about food. either how im going to eat or how i need to stop eating because i’ve gained a pound. I now do this secret almost binge type eating where I take some of my roommate’s chocolate nuts or granola, things I would never buy. I feel like im losing control, i eat because i’m bored or i know i have to, or i binge when im drunk. I hate it, and even though i know i should gain, i dont like it one bit. I love chocolate which is why i won’t even let myself have it because i feel like i’m one of those people who if I have some i need more and can’t stop. I know how you feel Mara.
I go to the gym everyday for at least an hour of cardio. And sometimes i’ll stay for 2 hours and add weights too, i take the stairs up to my 10th floor dorm and never ever take the bus. The gym has a scale and i weigh myself constantly. however as my own little recovery technique i have stopped doing it everyday and only every 2 or 3 days. It makes me anxious to just leave the gym without knowing where i stand on the scale.
it doesn’t help that my roommate has recently started exercising and that my best friend is on nutrisystem and has lost 13 pounds. meanwhile, i desperately try and control myself with the peanut butter jar which i so desperately want to inhale the entire thing but i won’t let myself. I stick to lean cuisines for dinner, 1/2 cup of cereal and low cal wheat bread. the peanut butter i have is even half the calories of normal pb. I even go to my cafeteria and demand a mini cup of ice cream-the one for the toppings which they don’t even serve that size.
I am just afraid that once i open the door to eating for real, i will balloon because i just love food. I mean i really want a hamburger, i really want pizza-i don’t even like cheese! I want to eat the full size ice cream! i used to tell myself once i got down to such and such weight i would go to dairy queen and get a blizzard, but as i am getting lighter that just gets farther away.
i look at pictures of myself from last summer and even 2 summers ago and i was hot, if i could just snap my fingers and be 100 that’d be great i just can’t watch the numbers go up and i just can’t stop counting. I need help to stop that part and I also need help to retrain my brain to eat and not just inhale m&m’s because i haven’t eaten all day and then feel fat because i let myself go.
Sorry that was so long, but this was my first time ever writing all that down.
Hayley! I totally understand you. Like I didn’t starve myself for days, i was just really restrictive and done loadss of exercise. And noone really noticed I was underweight because It came off quite slowly. But then during exam time, with all the stress n stuff it just totally took control. I started eating less and less and becomin more obsessed. I was always noticed more by boys and was a lot more confident when i was heavier, but my obsession grew so much i didnt care about anything. I didn’t care what I was doing to my body, or how frail i looked and felt. Please dont let your obsession take over anymore. Take control now!!
Luckily I am no longer emaciated and am now at a healthy weight! But, Mara, I feel like you also. I feel like I’ve changed so dramatically and i’m still tryin to decide if its a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve went from having complete control over my food intake and being able to go so long without food. And now I have no control, I just eat anything and then feel really bad afterwards. I hate my body now, even though I’m still probably thinner than what I was before my ED. I think I just got used to having no fat on my body. Now I feel so chunky, But, I have accepted this is how i need to be. My bones suffered quite a bit from my weight loss, so now if the voice trys to tell me i’m too fat blablabla and that a dont need to eat, i just think about my bones and that if I dont give myself energy, they’ll just get thinner.
We just have to remember the other things in food other than calories. For a start, I sleep so much better now. My skin is smooth again. I can actually watch TV or read or talk to people without spacing out and going into my own world. My body has recovered soo well in the past few months. But I still have to work on the voice that trys to turn me back to my old ways.
Mara, I know how frustrating it is when people think everythings so great because your eating. But in reality your not happy about it. I still stuggle, but we have to realise that we are not losing control. We are actually gaining control. When you hardly ate, you were not in control! Anorexia was! And I know you feel like you goin the other way. But I suppose thats the hardest part. You just have to learn to listen to your body’s needs. If it wants something then have it. If its full, then stop. You should probably try and eat little but often. Eat smaller meals all through the day and then your probably less likely to binge. When I first started recovery. I binged a few times because a really wanted to get better, but because my body was still so undernourished, when I allowed myself food, my body was just so relieved that I was feeding it it sort of takes control and you cant sstop eating. But as my weight went up it became less of a problem, although I am still terrified that my weight will keep going up.
We only live once girls. Enjoy food and life. Wish you all the best x
Sorry I tend to ramble on when I start writing on here.
Thanks so much Kayla! Its so hard, i binge often too, on nuts and cereal and chocolate. All i want to do is eat the burger and french fries and not worry about it! I don’t want to count anymore. I hate having all my jeans be baggy and how i have to shop in the little girls department.
I just feel like since i haven’t been listening to my body, i don’t even know how. any tips? I mean i know when im full but i don’t know when to stop. I like my legs right now, they are thin, which is bad to say, I know. But i just want to be me again! Some part of me though likes the attention all of the “you’re too skinny” comments and in a sick way i like seeing my hip bones stick out. But i am smaller now as a freshman in college than i was as a freshman in high school.
I just don’t want to have to go through that phase where your metabolism has to readjust itself and you gain weight like crazy. I also haven’t had my period since junior year because i stopped taking birth control because it would make me heavy.
I just want to be happy and healthy but i just keep sliding or beating myself up for eating or not exercising.
i love this site btw all of you girls are so strong and your posts are really helping, even though i’ve only been here for a day.
Stay strong!!
Hayley, I never went a day without eating yet I lost a large amount of hair, lost my period, became depressed, anxious and anti-social ect.. I think a lot of us are wrapped up around not “truly” having an eating disorder. When in fact our ed is just trying to get us to overlook our incredibly harmful/serious behavior to become more consumed leading us deeper and deeper inevitably to death. I constantly think I should have been 5 pounds lighter before I gained weight back. With many of us being perfectionists I think I was never a good enough anorexic. I am really trying to overcome these false thoughts because the reality is that with anorexia nothing will ever be good enough.
Try and allow yourself have what you want to have because in my experience if you don’t it will result in overeating it later. I went through a period of time that when I started to reintroduce sweets and forbidden foods into my diet I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I had to decide on the perfect thing to eat. Decisions around food are still over thought for me but by much less.
It’s really hard when others around you are losing weight or complaining about their weight when you are trying to gain weight. Just think about yourself and what your body so desperately needs. At 5’3 and 114 you were in the lower end of your healthy weight range.
Has anyone obsessively measured food and overcome it? Also, I have 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. My evening snack is quite large. Sometimes it has more calories than my dinner. I’ve having it this way for almost six months now and I’m worried because it’s becoming a bit of a ritual. I am working on being comfortable about eating it around my family if they are around. Any suggestions?
Abbey- thank you so much i know that what i am doing to my body is bad for the future. That is actually why i looked for a support sight to supplement my therapy. I feel sometimes like i don’t even want my therapy. But i know its in my best interest.
abbey as for measuring, I measure my cereal and my milk, and i think its a good habit, but i’ve started to do without exact measurements and eyeballing it. It makes me anxious because I don’t know exactly how much im eating, but I know that the anxiety is normal. Eating around others is always the hardest too. Sometimes, my dad who unbeknownst to him, would ask “you still hungry” as i would take another cookie or look in the fridge for more fruit. I know he was just trying to relate and talk to his only daughter, but it just made me feel bad. I know its hard, but just try listening to your body. Maybe eat a smaller lunch so you’re hungrier at dinner and then you won’t need or want such a big after dinner snack. but don’t worry i’m in the same boat
Hey girls, it’s really heartwarming to see all you guys supporting each other, and welcome to all the new faces here,
.
My ED was pretty wishy washy as well. I am naturally quite slim, I guess. I was about 105lbs and 5’3″ when I started having disordered eating at the age of 14. I never owned a scale until recently, so I have no idea what my lowest weight was. It probably was in the mid 90′s or so. Now I’m 17 and I weigh about 110-113, and people still tell me I’m slim. I eat anything I want as well, and yes, sometimes I have a whole bag of chips, lol!
I guess I was just slightly underweight, but I don’t think it matters how much you weigh or how much you eat as an “anorexic”, if you have a problem with food, it is just as emotional as anyone else’s problem with food. It takes a big toll, and you’re hurting, and THAT is what is important, NOT how much you lost or gained or ate or weigh. What’s important is that you’re hurting and you have the right to be healed and recover your life and restore your body.
I went through lots of different things when I had my ED for two years. I first started out by cutting out fatty food and exercising a lot. But then all my food and drinks became “fat free” or “diet” versions. I then started calorie counting. I measured food a lot as well. I’d only have half a cup of milk at a time, and then I just stopped having milk. I only grabbed a small handful of cereal for breakfast.
I biked every day to my school, 4 miles in total, did gym, did sit ups and pushups each night, and went running on the weekends. And yeah, my breakfast became no breakfast. I’d bike two miles with nothing in my stomach.
My weight fluctuated up and down, up and down constantly because there were quite a few times I just had enough and tried to recover… of course they all failed until I sought help and really knew that this was it. The few pounds I gained from my “semi-recoveries” were lost again when I freaked out and thought I ate too much.
One day I didn’t eat anything at all. One time I tried to make myself vomit, and some came out. I then cried in the shower, shaking.
I guess what I’m trying to convey with all this babble is that these things are REALLY nasty, and you are SOOO miserable when you’re living with it. Nobody, including yourself, deserves such a thing like this. And yes, sometimes we feel like we do deserve it, but we don’t. There’s so much to life.
I’m getting so sick of the bloating and rapid weight gain that today I gave into my old ways and probably only consumed 500 cal. The bad thing is I feel so great about it! I want to restrict all week now! I know this is terrible, but I just can’t get a grip on the small healthy meals. Even though I used to have great eating habits years ago, every time I try to eat normally now it turns into a binge. Restricting my food just seems like the only way… and feels so great. We all understand and know how terrible this thinking is. I hate gaining weight.
The other way I cope, like Hayley, is excessive exercise. I do everything I can to find a trip into the gym. Zoneing out on the eliptical trainer is the most peaceful time in my life now. I feel like it balances me out because it takes away any thought of food, no need to socialize, and reboosts my energy. Lately I put working out above hanging out with my friends or boyfriend.
So after gaining weight, socializing, and trying to live normally, I still find myself reverting to my old ED ways. I can’t accept that really its only giving me a false happiness.
Nature, I guess I need advice on how to avoid a bunch of “almost recoveries” like you had? Everyone is so thrilled by my weight gain, and I’m so not.
OMG Mara, that is exactly how i feel. I tried just eating and listening to my cravings but it felt like bingeing. I gained like 3 pounds and i tried to be happy about it because it still puts me about 13 pounds under the healthy weight but it just made me want to exercise and eat less, even more and i did and i felt good about it. AGHHH I mean i know what i should weigh and I know how i should eat, but i just hate bingeing.
What i did read on this blog Mara is someone suggested making a list of the forbidden foods and trying one each week. I think i might try and do that but im going to start slow, like last week I had a chocolate chip bagel for the first time in almost 2 years! And i think maybe in another week or 2 i’ll be ready to try a smoothie from jamba juice or a piece of the reduced fat coffee cake from starbucks-i know reduced fat, but i figure if i start small, i will be less likely to revert back. But i just don’t know how well that will work, I always tell myself like oh if only eat a certain number of calories i’ll have a full scoop of full fat ice cream, but it actually only makes me want to have a teeny tiny bit of nonfat yogurt.
I have physical today so we’ll see what the doctor says.
I know this is redundant and me preaching to the choir, but stay strong! Also one thing my therapist told me was that people like us should feel anxiety when eating stuff out of the norm, don’t know if that helps!
all of your stories are just all too familiar!!! i too started by cutting out fatty foods and sweets and before i knew it i wouldnt touch the healthy granola bars i used to love so much. now ive gained 11 pounds from recovery and im hating every second of it. my parents push me on despite my horrible meltdowns and bad feelings. im dreading my last 10 pounds im supposed to gain, but ill be allowed to exercise a little bit (key word little :[ ) once i gain one more pound. i go to an after school outpatent program with other girls and i hate it and i hate my counselor so much! but i always find you girls to be the best support. in my situation, i feel like people wont let me slip back no matter how much i want to (my parents monitor my every meal even at school). i feel a little bit better i guess i have to admit, but it seems like all at once i look at myself and feel the world crashing down and i want to escape from my skin. i miss my restricting days , but the the truth is i am more in control now than i was before. starving yourself makes you literally crazy in the head and who knows what you will do next to appease the ED. lets stick to recovery
Jilly i know how you feel, I just went to the doctor and she made me want to restrict and not get help. For a while I was actually ready and eager to get back on track but now she wants to talk to my therapist back home, she wanted to make a special call to my parents. I know i’m at a dangerous place and my low weight and mental/emotional issues are not stable, but i have to go to the doctor every week now and it sucks because now the ED is taking over more parts of my life aghhhh i just want to be able to treat my body right and not have a problem with it!!
When other people try to get involved with my ED it ALWAYS makes me want to restrict more too! Like doctors, teachers, friends, and especially parents. It just pisses me off… I feel like in their eyes I’m defined only by what I eat. So starving is how I keep defying them I guess. Once my therapist picked up on this she made my parents completely stop getting involved with my food.
Now I’m trying to focus on just eating for myself instead of for other people. I’m trying to ignore any comment about my body or eating habits, and just remember to eat for myself, not because someone else wants me to. Its hard.
A great book every woman should read: “Eating in the Light of the Moon” by Anita Johnston.
Hey girls,
.
I got like that a lot when people got involved with my eating.. I was restricting big time when I was hospitalized for a different incident. They kept track of what I ate, but since they weren’t an ED clinic or anything, they didn’t say anything. They tried to keep me hydrated, though.
I’ve been recovering for a year now, and I am at a better place.
Mara, it’s so good that you’re able to try and eat for yourself. That is a big step, so give yourself credit for that.
Jilly and Hayley, I know it’s hard, but the ED will keep robbing and robbing until it claims your life. There is only one way to be free.. and it is to restore your body and pursue happiness. You’re all beautiful… remember that.
Hi, I’m new here. This is the first time I’ve tried an online forum for ED support. It’s pretty scary.
I went through a period of anorexic behavior (I still don’t consider it “true” anorexia because my BMI was between 18.5 and 19) in my late 20s, and after four years of unsuccessfully trying to conceive I realized that my eating was unhealthy and went into therapy. I gained weight, got pregnant, and had a baby. I didn’t weigh myself for years and did not know what I weighed. I was overweight and not exercising, so not physically all that healthy, but emotionally I was good.
Then I thought the Wii Fit sounded like a fun way to get some exercise, so I got one. Did you know that the Wii Fit not only functions as a scale, but that it also reminds you to weigh yourself DAILY? That was basically all it took for me to spiral out of control. I’ve lost more than 50 lbs and today was a bad day, I only ate about 1000 calories and I’m so hungry but I can’t let myself eat. It’s so frustrating.
I don’t think I have anorexia, it’s more “not otherwise specified”, but whatever it is, I hate it. I like being thinner and fitter, but there’s so little room and time left in my life for anything but thinking about food and what I should and shouldn’t eat and how much I need to exercise. I discovered that I have a moderately serious problem with my spine and pelvis, and was ordered not to exercise at all for several weeks, and I could barely follow the doctor’s instructions. A couple of times I exercised anyway and was then in massive pain. I am better now but still struggling not to overdo it with the exercise.
I went to my regular doc’s office to touch base and get a grasp of what a healthy weight range was for me. The nurse practitioner told me I was “perfect” at the weight I was at, then said that I should weigh between X and Y, and I weighed Y that day! Ugh, what a horrible and uneducated thing to say to someone with an ED who has just poured her heart out to you. I’m sure she was trying to help but it was really detrimental to my recovery to hear that and I have avoided going back since.
I was seeing my previous therapist and a nutritionist for a while, and then I was doing better so I stopped seeing them, but now I’m not doing all that well again. But I don’t want to go back. It’s so much effort to schedule and juggle all those appointments, and it’s so expensive because our insurance is awful. And I don’t want to go back and admit that I’ve screwed up again.
Eating is fraught with difficulty. I get so, so hungry, and then when I eat something I lose control and eat waaaayyy more than I should. Sometimes I eat half a bag of chocolates! And then I go back to restricting. I know that the fact that I’m undereating is probably what’s triggering the binge-like behavior, but I can’t get myself to stop. And part of me would rather starve for three days and then eat a bag of chocolates, even though the being hungry feels bad AND the overeating feels bad.
I don’t purge or use laxatives. I’m almost 40 years old and I’ve gone from a size 20 to a 6/8 in 8 months. I still don’t feel like I “really” have an eating disorder because my BMI is 20 and I get my period and on the outside I look like someone who has gotten her act together and gotten healthy. Nothing anyone says is what I want to hear. If someone doesn’t comment on my weight loss, I am annoyed, but if they say how good I look I’m angry because they think it’s a Good Thing and it’s not. Sometimes I say, “Yeah, I have an eating disorder” and that shuts them up right quick, LOL!
Okay, sorry, this was a lot of typing all at once. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Ok so right now i am going to vent just for a second. The nurse at school told me i have to stop exercising!!! Like nothing, and yes i’ll admit that i do over exercise, most of the time its not really to burn calories but more to feel good, its how i reward myself after a long day or how i wake myself to get going and have a good day. i would rather work on getting better eating habits or just focus on getting my thoughts under control.
but i will definitely take a look at that book
Mara- what you said about eating for yourself and not having anyone force you is totally true, i mean i feel now that with this sudden onset of intense hypervigilant therapy all i want to do is do exactly what i am told not to do-which is just how i am in every part of my life
Nature-thank you for telling us how we are beautiful, i know i need to hear it maybe if we all woke up and looked ourselves in the mirror and told our reflection that it was beautiful, strong and ready to be loved (i just came up with that idea right now, i might start doing that) and actually saying it out loud, it might help
Morgie-your story has so many similar aspects to mine, like my therapist considers me “not otherwise specified” and i totally can relate with how you don’t like or have the time to schedule all the necessary appointments it’s sad but it’s just another way that the ED controls our every move. I definitely do the eat a bag of chocolates, i just love love chocolate but i end up bingeing and then it just makes me feel horrible and restrict even more. But even if right now you are at a healthy weight and you get complements and all that jazz, this is how serious problems arise-i know that’s how i’ve let the ED ruin my life-i went from trying to get healthy to something consuming my every thoughts and actions. Try and take those complements for what they are worth-people see you as a healthy vibrant young woman-use others complements to complement yourself!!! like nature said we are all beautiful, we don’t need the ED to be beautiful because in the end its just a big ugly thing moving in and taking up all the beautifulness’s space!!!
<3 Hayley
Hayley, thank you so much for your suggestions and it’s nice to know that I’m not trying to overcome my ed habits on my own! The list challenging foods is a very good idea. I have made my way through a lot of foods i used to consider forbidden and now I eat some on a regular basis. The more I try new foods and allow myself challenging foods the way less scary eating them gets. I relate to you so much with the exercise! At the same time with all the stress that your body has been put under it needs a break. Try to cutting down your exercise in half or more. Once I did this I realized really how tired my body was. Another suggestion is instead of going for a work out or a power walk substitute your exercise with a slower walk in the fresh air for now.
Same thing goes for me, often my family and others are so thrilled with how well I’m doing. As soon as I hear their praises I desperately want to pull back.
Morgie, don’t think about numbers and do not listen to what others are telling you about being in your highest healthy weight range. Don’t give up on getting help whether it may be a good friend, a good book, this website, or a professional. The restrictive/binge cycle is a very vicious one. Try and tell yourself I’m going to take care of myself. Make sure you have a good, well rounded breakfast, lunch, and dinner snacks in between! Don’t beat yourself up if you binge just have the mentality that tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to treat myself well.
My nutritionist lent me a book I would highly recommend: Succulent Wild Women. It’s not about eating disorders. It’s a more of a self-help/self-love book that has lifted my spirits and wanted me to be free.
Have a good weekend. I’ll be thinking of you all! xo
Thanks Hayley and Abbey!
Yesterday wasn’t a good day. Went out to do some errands and ended up stopping at a bakery and buying some slices of various desserts. I ate two pieces of cake for lunch (!!!) and then split a few more with my husband for dessert after dinner. It was too much fat and too much sugar and I felt pretty gross.
Today I ate a proper breakfast and a normal-for-me lunch (I’m not a big fan of more usual lunch foods so I often have an apple with almond butter and some carbs, in this case it was popcorn) and I have a decent dinner planned. I ate a bowl of Lucky Charms as a snack. (I love dry cereal!) Now I’m hungry again and it’s a long time until dinner. I already used several of my “tricks” to control hunger (gum, drinking coffee) and I don’t want to chew more gum because the artificial sugars make me feel yucky and I don’t want to drink more coffee because it’s almost 4 pm and I don’t want to be up all night!
I’m typing this lying on my stomach on my bed, and my cat is lying on my butt! Apparently she still thinks there’s enough padding there, LOL. She loves me and doesn’t care if I’m fat or skinny or in between. Ditto for my husband and son. It’s hard to remember that sometimes, but it shouldn’t be.
Hey girls,
. Sorry, I am not on here as much as I used to be or as much as I want to be to be honest!!!
Morgie, I’m so happy for you that you found this site! All the girls are so wonderful here as you have found out, and we are ALWAYS here to help you.
All the ideas of how to feel better and try out new foods are great! Always remember that this is about you and what you feel comfortable challenging. I kind of rushed at first, and freaked out emotionally later, but now I am better.
I, too, have a lot of work to do, and recently I am not eating “healthily”. I am not eating as well balanced meals as I used to, and my period did not come, which is a bad sign. I don’t really feel hungry sometimes, and I’m too.. lazy.. to eat. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I’m not motivated to eat, and if no one made food, I’d probably not eat anything until the evening. It’s like I have traits of anorexia without the calorie counting, obsession with food, and exercising. Really weird, but I will do my best to eat properly and have a healthier body as well!
Sometimes I’m really envious of other girls/women because they don’t watch what they eat/don’t eat as much it seems, and their bodies still function properly. It just seems like I have to eat a HECK of an amount to have my body function properly, and it is hard for myself to eat every few hours/make balanced meals all the time… I want to have kids in the future, though, so I must do my best.
Hey guys.. I havent been on in a while. I guess that’s a good thing? I went to tampa, florida for my spring break with friends.. a big step for me… and although i was paranoid about food in the beginning of the week and binged/restricted.. i started thinking normally about food during the end of the week and kept telling myself its okay to eat unhealthy on vacation. I thought i’ve been recovering pretty well.. but today my friend visited me at school and we went out to eat at applebees… i ate a lot more than intended which led me to binge a ton when i got back to my dorm. i even threw up which i havent done in a while. i hate when you feel like you’ve made great improvements.. only to disappoint yourself the next moment or day :/ Now i feel gross and like i can’t go out tonight with my friends as planned. what really sucks is that my roommate is going abroad next semester and i told myself i have to make my best efforts to have fun and want to go out on the weekends to enjoy my time with her. I guess i’m off to a bad start….