change therapy

294 responses so far ↓

• 1 Hazel // Nov 3, 2009 at 10:27 am

  I guess I’m the first to post here! I’m so excited to have found a few people here to talk to and get to know, but I still feel like I’m really new to this community. Please introduce yourself to me and tell me your story and your process of recovery. We can never have too much support. And what’s great is that we’re all from very different parts of the world, different cultures, different situations to extremes. Let’s grow off of each others’ recovery and let’s all become partners in returning to a balanced, healthy, love-filled place in our lives.

  I’m 21 and I’ve been going through recovery since August 2009 for anorexia/bulimia-binge/purge. I live out in NY but for my recovery I’ve been back at home, Vancouver, Canada. I need as many tips and support as possible. Every second of every day is such a struggle for me still.

• 2 Jilly // Nov 3, 2009 at 11:48 am

  Hey, im 16 years old, live in massachusetts, and my problem was brought to the surface in july 2009. i continued to get worse until recently when they said i might need to go into an inpatient program. since then i gained 4 pounds and im really not proud of it, which is a problem (im 5′8” and about 104lbs if it matters…). I have been eating SOO much more and enjoying the tastes, but i don’t want my body to change at all. At first i felt horrified when i gained a bit and i still fear going out of my comfort zone.
  i really do want to be normal but i feel like the only thing i truly will be happy with is if i could go back in time and just live in my 12,13, or 14 year old life which i loved so dearly. i am so extremely jealous of younger kids because i want to be them and be carefree and love candy and ice cream and run around because its fun and not because it burns calories. but, i know i am only going to get older, so i feel depressed.
  i quit therapy because it truly angered me and made me worse. i do better with just trying to live normally with my family’s support.
  i just cant see myself being happy unless i could just be a little girl again instead of just growing “horizontally”…

• 3 Nature // Nov 3, 2009 at 6:26 pm

  Hey Hazel and Jilly. Third one to post here, and I feel thrilled! Hehe, it’s always exciting when there’s a new page.

  Hazel, I answered your questions to me on the first page just to let you know, and I need to eat better recently. Although I do not count, I am aware that my eating times and patterns aren’t quite great. So I really must eat a full meal, and I said to my mother that I would rather go out to eat than cook since I can’t be bothered cooking a meal. I’ve only eaten some hashbrowns and one egg for the day, and I woke up around noon. It still isn’t very good, so I am going to eat a full meal at the restaurant (the one with most calories and nutrition) and when I get home, I am going to have dessert (fruits, ice cream, and whatever else I feel like!). Haha, I am so excited.

  Jilly, I can totally relate to you. I am 16 years old, too, and I miss the younger years of my life, but for me, I miss being 11 or 12 since I started having problems once I hit my last preteen year. I get jealous (but not in like a hateful way) of younger kids, too. I wish I was so carefree like them!

  I also am quitting therapy because like you, I got stressed from it. It feels horrible to have people constantly calling you and reminding you of how messed up you got indirectly (whether or not they intend saying that) all the time. It’s just that I find it better when I take things on my own pace and do things my own way. In fact, I didn’t really get any therapy for my eating disorder even though I did go to an ED clinic. They just checked my weight, height, blood pressure and all that to make sure I was okay, but aside from that, not much has happened.

  Well anyway, hopefully my health workers won’t be too stubborn and will let go of me easily.

• 4 Hazel // Nov 5, 2009 at 7:42 pm

  I guess I’m still wavering back and forth with the physiological feeling of eating. The feeling of “fullness” physically makes me ill and vomit. It’s a terrible feeling. I’m trying to correct it by taking meals super slowly and very small amounts, but to make up for this, I SHOULD be eating more frequently. But I am not. It’s not that I’m scared to gain weight, it’s that I’m never actually hungry, so if I try to eat even a little bit of anything when I know I should, I fear it will make me feel ill. I am on medication for this, to prevent me from vomiting. But I am still completely able. It still comes too easily for me.

  Why was therapy stressful? I don’t like the reminders all the time. It kills me. Especially if it’s from my mom. I wish she would just let me make mistakes and learn from them. Especially slips that have to do with my bulimia. My therapist told me to talk to my mom and let her know that food is not my primary problem. Food is just the way that I chose to deal with my major problems and issues. But for my mom, it’s just about the food. Just eating more will solve everything. No. That is absolutely wrong.

• 5 Nature // Nov 7, 2009 at 2:22 am

  Hazel, keep on going. You’ve already made the first step, and even though food isn’t really the problem in the sense that you are stressed out by your emotions, it is a problem right now since you are coping by using food.

  I know that deep inside you are aware that by coping with food is only prolonging the process of finding other methods to deal with your stress/problems. You must find other ways in order to move on; you deserve to move on.

  I know it’s hard, but you can move forward – even if it’s only in baby steps. Keep on going.

• 6 Hazel // Nov 8, 2009 at 10:35 am

  Yeah, I’m definitely proud of taking the first step. Admitting to my unhealthy methods of coping, escaping life because I wanted to become so small and thin to speak with my body, not my voice…

  I’m having a hard time lately trying to maintain a straight face when my mom asks me how I’m doing. I say that I’m doing okay, but last night, I vomited after having some pizza. My mom wasn’t home. I cleaned up but I woke up this morning with the toilet seat up… She isn’t awake yet, but the toilet seat being up means that either she cleaned the toilet, or my brother came upstairs to use the bathroom, which is highly unlikely. If she went anywhere near that toilet, she knows. Mother’s intuition?

  I’m going to my therapist tomorrow, I’m going to try to ask her what I can do to take my mind completely off of food. I’ve found that shopping is probably the best thing for me, but when I was talking to my mom about this, she said that shopping is yet ANOTHER way for me to mask up one problem. I need to dig deep down and find WHY I’m always finding excuses to hurt myself.

  I’m going to leave the house soon this morning to go to church. Religious life is something I’ve been excluding from my life, especially during the months in the recent past when my bulimia was at its worst.

  What do you all do to “take your mind off of things”?

• 7 Amy // Nov 8, 2009 at 3:47 pm

  Hey Hazel. Well done for getting better. I tell myself by eating I am getting healthier and that helps. To take my mind off things, I read-twilight books are amazing,listen to music,watch dvds,play nintendo ds and wii, chat to my friends,go for a walk and …sometimes study(Doesn’t happen that often lol)
  Hey Aliyah, Hows uni going? Ive exams coming up next week:(
  Hey Nature? Hows things going for you?How was ur wkend? How long did it take you to get your period back? Ive been at my ideal weight for 2 months now and it still hasn’t come:( Also im not happy with my weight gain. Does it definitely redistribute. It feels like it wont:( However on the positive side. I went swimming today and thought I would be really unfit because I had not exercised in so long. Also the last time I went was when I was 5 stone and extremely weak and could hardly swim a length. However now that I am at a healthy weight and eating properly I had the energy to swim 40 lengths.:) Was so happy. Although part of me was wanting to lose weight while the other half of me was just wanting to get fit. I just hope I don’t exercise excessively again. Im gona try not too.
  Hope everyone is getting on well:) xoxox

• 8 Nature // Nov 10, 2009 at 8:06 pm

  Hey everyone!

  Hazel, I kept my mind off food by telling myself that I needed it like Amy did, and soon after eating, I’d occupy myself with activities such as watching TV or listening to music.

  It’s so true that you need to find something that is healthy for you and is also a way to cope with stressful situations. Are you a religious person? If so, maybe praying and such might be beneficial for you. Think about what else you used to like to do before all this happened. Unhealthy coping methods rob us of our true identity. We need to get them back and start being our true, healthy selves!

  Amy, I had to be at my ideal wait for around 3-4 months until my period finally came back. It’s different for everyone, and I heard some people can even take up to half a year! Your body just needs to start trusting you again, and by you eating well it will! Just need a wee bit of patience, .

• 9 Jilly // Nov 11, 2009 at 6:35 am

  hey guys!
  well, things have just been weird…but in a good way i guess! For the past few days i have kept on eating granola. i used to avoid it because of the fat and calories, but its so yummy! try it!!
  yestorday i had to go to the dr for my weight check for the firt time in 3 weeks and i had gained a lb. now shes letting me do track!!! YESS , but i have to keep my up.
  hazel, just a few days ago i was purging when i felt i went out of control… it was horrible and uncharacteristic of me. my weight had actully went down 3 or four pounds… this made me relize that, yah, im in control…but it dosnt mean anything b/c its just making me freeze in my tracks.
  sometimes i think that its just time that makes me feel better. if i start thinking that i dont want to eat so i can be comfortable and lighter, sometimes i go lie down and nap and wake up and im just naturally ready to eat and be normal.
  after all, if things did get bad, we’d be sent to a clinic that would force food into us. why not just do it ourselves and ENJOY the yummy stuff?!?!

• 10 Jilly // Nov 11, 2009 at 6:37 am

  wow, i should revise my posts before i submit:: i meant to say i need to keep my WEIGHT up

• 11 emma // Nov 15, 2009 at 7:00 am

  hey, i am currently recovering from anorexia and i feel like i have gained so much weight i hate it my clothes feel tight and i feel like i cant stop eating .. i dont weigh myself because i think it will only mke me feel wose i get weighed once a week t the dieticians but i said i didnt want to know my weight … but because i feel i am putting on so much weight i feel like i need to do something to get it all back off ..
  would be grateful if anyone would like to talk x

• 12 Jilly // Nov 15, 2009 at 2:30 pm

  hi emma. i know EXACTLY how you feel!!! its just not a good feeling but i think that ive figured out that its really just anorexia playing with our minds. if we werent plagued with the stupid disorder then we would be feeling better: more alive, energized and happy. but instead we feel worried beyond belief and our mind tells us that we’ve gone
  OUT OF CONTROL. it stinks to know your getting bigger , but the reality is that in the end its not worth it to give ana so much undeserved attention. when we forget about it and remember when we were happier, we can aim towards a better lifestyle and we WILL be so much more gorgeous that way.

  i can also tell you from experiense that you should probably just ignore the feeling that youve gained a thousand pounds. i went camping over the summer rigfht after the dr told me to put on weight. at that point anorexia really had me in its grip and i kept feeling heavier and heavier and worse and worse. when i got home i felt 5 lbs heavier but i was 3 lbs lighter. this shows how we have to just kick ana in the butt and be normal and happy again. i would have had so much more fun camping if i didnt have the disorder. i would have been eating yummy candy and i wouldnt have had any restrictions put on me.

• 13 Nature // Nov 16, 2009 at 1:11 am

  It is so true what Jilly says Emma. There is so much more to life than food, and anorexia will only kill you in the end. I know it’s hard to feel that you deserve a better life sometimes, but you DO. We all do!

  I’ve had so much trouble with the relationships I’ve had with my family, but it is finally starting to clear up and get better. I am happy right now, and have been for quite a while! No more crazy ups and downs in my mood, and I am utterly thankful for that.

  I am also getting a kitten in December (one thing that the ED made me forgot about was the love of animals I had within me), and I can’t wait to give the kitty so much love and care!

  We all have things that make us happy, and it might seem small to others (or maybe even to you as well) but if it makes you happier, why not go for it?!

  This is about regaining your life back! So try your best to eat and remember what you enjoyed the most in life!

  Lots of love xxoo,

  Nature.

• 14 Jilly // Nov 16, 2009 at 2:31 pm

  does anyone ever have those days when you want to eat and eat and eat but the whole time you wanted to stop cause your not even that hungry? and then you feel horrible and that you should just eat very little for the next day or two… i get like that a lot…

  also, has anyones hair stopped coming out? if so any tips on that and how long does it take?

• 15 Nature // Nov 18, 2009 at 1:12 am

  Oh definitely, I had so many days like that! Sometimes I still do, but very rarely. It does take time to go away, but the only way to overcome is to KEEP eating.

  Your hair will get healthier the same way. Easier said than done, but as long as you eat your body will repair everything!

• 16 Hazel // Nov 18, 2009 at 4:48 pm

  Sorry I’ve been so out of touch! I’ve been so into my treatment and therapy lately. And this Monday with my therapist was a huge break-through session! I will write more about it soon.

  My eating is getting easier, smoother, more comfortable, but I’m still STRONGLY resisting the urge to purge. But I’m getting much more comfortable with an increased consumption amount…. I don’ know how long it will take for my “tendencies” to go away, but I hope it’s soon. I’m putting 110% into it.

• 17 Jilly // Nov 18, 2009 at 4:58 pm

  thanks nature.
  well, for me things aren’t too rough. i like to eat (especially ice cream!), but i get so worried about not having the body i want and i get worried that ill be disgusted when looking in the mirror… the anxiety hasnt been too bad this week.

  Nature, you said you were 16 like me and i just find it comforting for some reason! do you mind if i ask you about yourself? like how long have you been in recovery and what kind of struggles have you encountered? Do you play sports? and how do you feel about transforming our body back?? truthfully, i like having a skinny figure, but i do like food. too bad the two dont go together, but its more important to be able to ignore stupid things like that anyways! i feel rather spoiled too, ecause im naturally slender and i feel like i havnt counted my blessings

• 18 Nature // Nov 18, 2009 at 11:21 pm

  Hey Jilly!

  I like to eat, too, haha. Umm, naturally, I am small in stature (around 5′3″ or 5′4″ right now) and I think I am normal, but like 90% of the people I meet tell me that I am slim, too. However, I am at a healthy weight and having my periods, so I guess it’s all good for me!

  I’ve been in recovery since around March/April, so it’s been about 8 months now. I find that the eating part is easier to recover than the relationship you have with your own body. I admit I skimp here and there at times, but I never calorie count, and my weight has been the same for a long, long time now. I sometimes am afraid that I’m going to get fat or something (especially when I’m doing nothing at all in terms of exercise), but truth is, I KNOW I’m not fat at all and that my weight has stayed the same for half a year now!

  Umm, the troubles and obstacles I faced eh… lots of conflicts with parents, fear of getting fat, and not wanting to eat when something upsetting happened. Also, after I first started eating, it was painful for my stomach and uncomfortable. When the weight stuck around my tummy, I freaked, haha, but it will go away.

  I still face issues with the relationship I have with myself. I still think I’m fat here and there, but it doesn’t affect my eating. It’s just that there’s so much more important things in life than food and weight. And the truth is, you’ll never be fat. You’ll become healthier by eating. Eating is just the way to go!

  Oh, another important thing is finding what you like/love to do and rediscovering what’s important to you. When you’re stuck in an ED, life is glum no matter what and you can’t appreciate what you have as much. For me, my boyfriend is very important and special. I’ve known him for three years, and he has been with me through all of my struggles (anxiety, depression, eating disorder, suicide attempt, self harm, etc). I guess we both matured by being with each other.

  Also, I love animals and nature. I’m getting a kitten soon, and I am so happy about it! You just have to find things you love, and do them again! If it doesn’t make you happy the first time, try again and again. It’s in you, it’s just the ED covering the happiness up. As long as you keep doing it, you’ll find joy in it again!

  If you have any other questions, feel free to ask, .

• 19 Diandra // Nov 19, 2009 at 10:20 pm

  I am 15 years old and just recently came to the fact that i have a problem. I don’t eat. I go days without eating and then on a random day i will eat just a little bit. I always feel fat and i hate looking at my body in the mirror. Everytime i do i find something else wrong. And i still want to loose MORE weight. I don’t think i can tell my parents or anything. I’m to scared to in the first place. My mom has said that she thought i was to skinny a couple weeks ago…i didn’t think so. I thought i was to big still. My best guy friend has been trying to help me overcome this but it’s not working..I don’t know what to do at this point in my life. It seems like everything is going wrong and i honestly don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t see a point in it. I mean of course there are days when i think life is all good and dandy but it just seems like things always catch up to me and tear me down. i don’t know what to do about the whole anorexic deal though…i don’t want to say i am…but i don’t know..

• 20 isabella mori // Nov 19, 2009 at 10:56 pm

  hi diandra

  thanks for joining us. you will be talking to people who have been in your shoes, and who can support you in sorting this out.

  do you have the crisis hotline for your city/country? if you ever feel like there is no point again, i want to ask you with all my heart to call them … (if you don’t have the number, let me know where you live and i’ll post it for you)

• 21 emma // Nov 20, 2009 at 2:20 pm

  sorry never got back in touch before thanks Nature and Jilly for your advice really appreciated it … i have just read wht you have just been writing and i feel exactly the same i like to eat, which i feel is really bad myself but cant help it .. and also feel guilty if i dont exercise after eating alot… my hair also still falls out which is annoying as i love my hair … how long have you all been recovering if u dont mind me asking x

• 22 Jilly // Nov 20, 2009 at 7:05 pm

  hey girls! i love it when i get an email saying theres new posts :]

  Nature, thanks for responding! i feel like we share a ton in common. i love love love nature more than anything and i also love my 2 cats! they make me feel better all the time!! also, i freakkkkk out when i see my stomach popping out the slightest bit.not fun. i also felt so depressed at the beginning (like 2-3 months ago) but now i dont cry as much. ive never had a boyfriend, though and i havnt been trying to get one either b/c i havnt met anyone i like too much

  Diandra, good thing youve relized that what your doing is scaryyy bad. i know was hard for me to even be convinced that i shouldnt exercise and cut dont my food intake like i did. the truth it your body could shut down, so help is what you need!!! plus, after those really tough first steps, you can start to see a better way of living even though it seems impossible. sometimes i can see a happier me and sometimes anorexia makes me feel like the skinny me is the only happy me.

  and i totally am with you, emma!! i like really want the flavors now, but i hate the consequences. i also feel the need to be burning all my energy off because, lets face it it feels good to accomplish a good workout. i hate being reliant on food and lately i go through days with very little calories on purpose so that my weight wont keep going up. then the next day when i have “room” to gain weight, i let myself eat yummy food. this is just bad, and i know it… & my hair used to be gorgeous (although id never say that really) but now its wayyyy thinner and ugly.

• 23 Jilly // Nov 20, 2009 at 7:06 pm

  oops, i didnt meen to put a smile face up there haha

• 24 Rochelle // Nov 21, 2009 at 5:28 pm

  Hi,

  I happened to come across this site on a day in which I want to get better, but feel awful for what I have done. I have been battling with anorexia for over 4 years now. I started treatment, meeting with a counselor and nutritionist about 2 years ago, but stopped meeting with them after the counselor said she didn’t know if she needed to meet with me anymore. The nutritionist didn’t help much at all. There was no eating plan provided and just suggestions to improve. My eating was much better then, but now, it has worsened. When the counselor told me she didn’t think we needed to meet anymore, I went with it. She wasn’t helping and I didn’t feel like I was being honest enough with her anyway. I am 5′5 and a little over 90 pounds. I know it is too low. I know I need to gain, but the thought of gaining too much is the scary part. I just want things to go back to the way they were before I came to where I am at now and have been unable to find the magic wand to make it all better.

• 25 isabella mori (@moritherapy) // Nov 21, 2009 at 6:23 pm

  hi rochelle, and welcome!

  just very briefly ..

  i know, gaining a lot is a very scary thought.

  what would it be like if you ate just a BIT more today?

  and just out of curiosity – did the food suggestions to simply improve work for you, or do you think you would do better with a clear food plan?

  hope you feel better when you read this …

• 26 Nature // Nov 22, 2009 at 3:16 am

  Hey Jilly, Emma, Diandra, and Rochelle. Welcome to all the new girls here, .

  Jilly, I went through major depression, and it is NOT fun. The best thing I’ve learned is changing your behaviour patterns. If a negative thought pops up in your head, think about it and see if it’s all that rational. I am sure that you wouldn’t want anybody to feel the way you do at times, so why would you deserve it? You DON’T.

  And don’t rush sweety, . My boyfriend and I met just when we turned teenagers. We were so young and foolish back then, and I was still able to hide my problems, but opened up to him after some time over a year of knowing him. Back then I hid everything to myself, and was very distrusting of people since I didn’t want to be hurt yet again.

  Emma, you’re very welcome! Come whenever you want to or need to. Somebody will respond for you, (:.

• 27 Nature // Nov 22, 2009 at 3:30 am

  Sorry, sometimes it doesn’t send if I do a big post.

  Diandra, I’ve been exactly where you were about 8 months ago. I can promise you, life is worth it. Please, don’t do what I did back then, that was the stupidest thing I ever did. I put my whole family and boyfriend through one of the most painful things in their life when I tried to end my life.

  I know it might seem like that nobody cares, but I can promise you that people do. Please, you are worth it. Keep on fighting.

  Rochelle, it’s so hard. I wished so many times for that magic wand. I kept questioning myself, why isn’t this love I get enough for me? Why can’t I stop? Are these sicknesses more important? Why cannot I believe that things will get better if I just let go?

  And letting go is the scariest thing. We get so used to these dysfunctional lifestyles, but we know the truth. We have to keep fighting and fighting. We have to take a stand and say, no, I am not letting this illness take over me. I deserve to be happy. Easier said than done, but we ALL deserve a happy life.

  Lots of love to you all,

  Nature.

• 28 Nature // Nov 22, 2009 at 3:35 am

  Oh, Isabella, I tried calling, but it did not get through. I haven’t been around on much here recently, but I was successful in terminating the therapy. Thank you for your support, though!

• 29 Diandra // Nov 22, 2009 at 12:03 pm

  Thanks for all of the encouraging words..but now it just seems like it got worse. My closest guy friend told me he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. So he walked out of life just like a lot of the people do when they find things out about me.

  I don’t look at the scale very often because it’s pretty much my worst enemy. I weighed myself yesterday and i weighed 120. To me…that’s what to high. My mom, my dad and sister are all over weigh and i don’t want to end up like that so that’s my biggest fear. And i want to weigh 110. But i’m not sure if that is to low. I’m 5′4 if that helps any. I feel like i’m being watched all the time and that i’m the black sheep of the family. i have 7 siblings and feel lift out a lot. I am the middle child and it really feels like i am all the time. And when i’m upset, i don’t eat. When i feel fat, i don’t eat. And when i do decide to eat, it’s very little. Fixing this is sooooo hard and i don’t know if i can do it. Never in a million years did i think i would have touble eating food. I just wish that i was back to the person i used to be. The happy, healthy, fun, bubbly girl. I just am starting to not see myself be here ever again.

• 30 isabella mori (@moritherapy) // Nov 22, 2009 at 12:13 pm

  hi diandra …

  what kinds of things did the happy, healthy, fun, bubbly girl do? is she still doing some of it, at least in a small way?

• 31 Diandra // Nov 22, 2009 at 12:27 pm

  I used to love to dance. And theatre has been a big part of my life. I used to really enjoy doing it, and then things changed. And i’m at where i am now. I’m still involved with the theatre but i pretty much dread going to rehearsals and things for the musicals. They were all really big parts of my life and now…i don’t enjoy them as much. So yes, i’m still doing some of it. but the love for it..is gone. I don’t feel like going anywhere or doing anything..

• 32 Hazel // Nov 22, 2009 at 5:59 pm

  Hey Rochelle – I’m at the same body stats as you and a lot of what you wrote correlates with my life. I’m fighting anorexia and binge-purge disorder. It’s incredibly scary for me to eat but not because of gaining weight, it’s because I’m unable to sit and digest food very well any more. I’ve been prescribed some drugs to help my intestines better digest the solid foods I consume, but I still can’t eat the amount that I would like to, and in return, I’m not really gaining weight and I’m stuck at 90 lbs ant 5′5″.

  But what I definitely am grateful for is the therapy and support that I’ve been receiving in the past few months since I submitted myself to recovery.

  This website also really helps me to vent out my fcelings to people who understand the struggles that I’m dealing with.

  My parents are incredibly supportive. My mom does so much reading and research so she can try to “put herself in my shoes”. Of course, she cannot. But she’s trying to understand the best way to “cure” me and help me feel like I’m in a safe and comfortable environment.

  Anyways ladies, best of luck x 1000.

  I feel stronger each day. I hope you do too.

• 33 Rochelle // Nov 22, 2009 at 6:05 pm

  Thanks for the message Hazel. How long have you been anorexic? Not doctor diagnosed, but when you first realized that you had a problem? How old are you? Really looking for someone that can say, eat, just eat….it shouldn’t be that hard, but for some reason I have been unable to let go. I want to have a baby so bad, but its not happening. My doctor is prescribing me meds so that it will. She’s supportive and the absolute best, but I want it to happen now. Waiting……how to find the switch that says everything is going to be okay if I eat something.

• 34 Nature // Nov 22, 2009 at 9:57 pm

  Hey girls, how’s everyone?

  I just got back from my part time job, and kind of tired but will have dinner soon.

  Rochelle, one of the biggest reasons I decided to get better was so that in the future, I’d be able to be a mom. I just adore and love kids.

  Just remember, you will need to eat A LOT to support a baby. It is another human being, and it needs to develop and grow well. I am sure you don’t want your child to be born premature. I know you might want to have a baby, but it might be better to wait a bit until you can comfortably eat. It would be so horrible for you if you lost your child due to anorexia.

  Best of luck, and keep fighting!

• 35 jilly // Nov 23, 2009 at 5:25 pm

  hey,
  yestorday i ate a lot and at night i kept on thinking that i will lay off the next few days so im not so stressed to eat a lot on thanksgiving… but i woke up and i felt strong enough to eat eat eat. i ate a lot today and i feel like a pig. and i still want more food. and im not physically hungry. i hate feeling like a pig and im going to regret eating so much later. i know i need to eat more though because i start track next week. Please help me deal with this :[

• 36 Nature // Nov 24, 2009 at 12:38 am

  Hey Jilly!

  You beat ana SO BAD there, I am so proud of you!!! Just know that you need this food and energy to do track + you also need to gain weight. Your body definitely needs this, and it cannot run without its gas (food).

  Just remember, a bite more is a step closer to getting rid of this disease and becoming happy. You’ll be able to be fit, healthy, and exercise like you used to before. You’ll have more energy and you’ll be able to perform better. And you will NOT become fat. I have done nearly zero exercise for over half a year, and my weight has been the same. I eat as much as I want to, too. I know it’s scary, but I guarantee you, eating will only make you healthier!!!

  Best of luck,

  Nature.

• 37 jilly // Nov 24, 2009 at 2:10 pm

  hey nature, thanks i appreciate your wisdomm and encouraging words ;] i need that!!!!

  its just that i cant stand to think im going to go out of my comfort zone and for some reason i think im going to miss being skinny mini (???)

• 38 Nature // Nov 25, 2009 at 12:38 am

  Hey Jilly, (:.

  No problem at all. That’s what we’re all here for – to help each other.

  I know it’s your comfort zone at the moment, but this “comfort zone” is a bad place for you since it keeps you stuck in the vicious cycle of exercising, eating little, and losing weight. We don’t want that! You don’t want to die, and you deserve so much better.

  I assure you that once you reach your healthy weight and eat properly, you will look so much better + be healthier. Like I said in the post above, eating will only make yourself healthy. You will NOT become fat. You’ll be able to have better results in track and stuff, too!

  You’re doing really well, so keep up the good work, (:.

• 39 emma // Nov 25, 2009 at 1:51 pm

  today i went into the bathroom and the scales were just there on the floor… and i havent weighed myself for so long because i didnt wnt to know, but today i just couldnt resist and i got on them, i wish i never now because it has made me depressed and made me want to slip back .. i hate my body so much but feel like i hve no1 to talk to about it which really upsets me .. x

• 40 jilly // Nov 25, 2009 at 2:22 pm

  thnaks natue your such a help, and i know i hate that stupid vicious cycle that gets me nowhere!

  And Emma!!! IM WITH YOU. just yestorday i cheked my weight and i was scared because that was the first week i really stuffed myself regardless of my fear of gaining. and guess what…the number instantly depressed me and i ran upstairs crying but then an hour later i realized it was silly to care and i wanted some pumpkin ice cream (ITS ACTULLY REALLY GOOD!) i was really hesitant but its so yummy and i deserve to feel happy and i knew my body wasnt going to expand into fat. weight is weight. we have to get over it no matter how hard it is. once we can say “who carss” we will feel better and more free and we’ll definitly have more fun at parties and thanksgiving and christmas.

  lets do this together pleaseee! lets both say who cares and eat some cookies because they are yummy and ana will crash and die with the more people that can fight her off. we arent pigs and food is good. lets convince ourselves of this!

• 41 Nature // Nov 25, 2009 at 5:59 pm

  Jilly, you’re sounding so much more positive than the first few times you’ve posted, and you’ve made sooo much progress. It’s so good that you were able to allow yourself the dessert, keep up the awesome work!

  Emma, what Jilly said is sooo true. Who cares about weight and numbers? It doesn’t make us a better person for god’s sake!

  I have school in the morning and I was running late, so my first meal came at around 1pm (didn’t have time for breakfast). I was really craving mashed potatoes for some unknown reason so I went to the closest fast food fried chicken place and ordered the chicken + the potatoes, . I was like, “Wow, I’m eating junk that’s pumped up in lots of calories because of the fat,” but I just told myself who gives a damn? and ate everything! Needless to say, food is yummm, (:.

• 42 Abbey // Nov 25, 2009 at 6:07 pm

  Hey everyone!

  This is my first time posting on this website. While reading a lot of your guys’ posts so many feelings and actions were/are so similar to you everyone. Although I didn’t know that i had an eating disorder when my dieting started I have had my eating disorder for almost 2 years. It started out as orthorexia (obsessive healthy eating) and transformed into anorexia:( To sum up a very long story I was miserable, exhausted, cold and unsocial from about Oct. 08-April09. I agreed to try out an inpatient program on the premise of being able to come home at any time. After about one week, I decided I hated it and informed my parents that i was coming home. However, my parents had other plans! My mom said that she could not live with herself if she let me come home and I never got better or died from my horrible illness. I was furious at the time, but now I only have a touch of resentment because I ended up loving the other patients.

  I have been home for a little over 5 months. I left the hospital 1 pound over my lowest healthy maintenance weight. Over the course of the months I have been just at my maintenance or five or so pounds under. Although it eating good meals and snacks has become pretty routine for me I still have strong eating disorder thoughts at times, measure food, count calories and struggle with eating out. Over the past 2 weeks I have done really well. I have only exercised twice in the past week… I think the last time that I missed that much exercise apart from being in hospital was two years ago!!! Today I got my period for the first time in almost 2 years! I feel a little bit happy because I think this means that I don’t have to gain anymore weight, but I also feel sad because I don’t want to be grown up. Because I have my period, does this mean I can stop gaining weight? You guys are all great. Although, part of me is deeply sad that I am giving up my eating disorder I know I don’t need it. Let’s face it all it makes us was depressed, anxious, obsessive, and no fun to be around. None of us deserve that.

  xxo abbey

• 43 jilly // Nov 26, 2009 at 11:47 am

  thanks nature, im trying my hardest to stay positive-because being negative accomplishes nothing in life and we need to live life to the maximum!!! However, i struggle with the bad feelings alllll the time. i usually get irritated after i just let myself eat whatever…i always want to go back in time, which i silly.

  Abbey, good job on physically beating ana. I know its so so so hard mentally. Now that your body is stronger than ana, your mind can start to mend. i struggle just like you, but i know we can be happier without the crappy feelings that ruin us. i, too, always feel the urge to have my eating disorder control me-i sometimes think it makes me feel better and happier…like the e.d. gives me purpose and without it im a bit lost. I NEVER WANT TO GROW UP! i wish i lived in neverland with peter pan everyday and i miss being a carefree little girl (who would down candy all the time and stay a little twig). weight freeeeeaaaks me out, but thats really going to prevent me from having fun. i am totally ntisocial now and i dont actully want to be social (dont ask me why) but alls i know is that the holidays would be SO much funner if i was back to the way i used to be. if i wasnt afraid of gaining weight, id be having really yummy things like carrot cake without being depressed after. i cant wait until im stong enough to enjoy that part of life again, but i still hate the fact that food is such a big thing now. its all i think about and i hate that!!! guh i wish there was an easy answerrr!

• 44 Nature // Nov 27, 2009 at 2:53 am

  Hey Abbey and Jilly, how are you all?

  Abbey, you’ve come such a long way, so give yourself lots of credit for that. Periods are kind of funky… mine kept going and coming whenever… even when I was much lighter than I am now. Finally, I started to have them continuously when I reached my healthy weight. The doctor told me once you have three in a row, you’ll keep having it as long as you eat properly and don’t lose weight. I think it’s best for you to keep eating well and see what happens.

  Jilly, I can totally relate on not knowing who you are without your problems and coping methods. I’m kind of at a loss right now, too, since it’s so foreign for me to NOT have negative thoughts running through my head and for me to NOT resort to destructive behaviour. The problem with me is that I keep falling into bad behaviours one after another if I stop one, so I really must try hard. I am relatively well right now, and I have to keep telling myself that there are tonnes of better options to cope with stress than being a harm to myself. I guess we all have things we should fix about ourself, eh?

  Either way, wishing all of you the best.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 45 Clemmie // Nov 27, 2009 at 5:13 pm

  Hi, my names clemmie and I have had anorexia for 6 years. I have been in hopsital twice and the second time after treatment i thought i was better but i wasnt. In the last 2 months I have lost 1 stone in weight and have gone from 8st to 6st 12. My main problem is that i gain weight so so quickly. I know that i must put on weight because i want to get better but the problem is is when i get to a healthy weight i continue to put on weight and then i panic and restrict food again. All i want is to be a healthy weight and not keep putting on weight. Will this ever happen?? I juust want to break this vicous cycle but i am worried that in 6 years I have done irreversable damage to my metabolism and have slowed it down so much that for the rest of my life i am going to have to watch what I eat. It’s such a horrible feeling because i want to be free of this horrible disease and get on with my life but i jsut cant because when i keep putting on weight so easily i fear that i will carry on putting on weight until i am overweight. Please help

• 46 Abbey // Nov 27, 2009 at 8:38 pm

  Jilly, thanks for the advice:) I wish I was the girl equivalent to Peter Pan A LOT of the time. Before your ED were you social because I was before and then when I was really into my ED I was incredibly antisocial and all I wanted to be was alone. I am just starting to be social again. As far as the holidays goes I would love it if we were all able to enjoy the holidays! Last year I was so miserable because I let my ED control me. This year I’m not! I know it wont be like ive never had an eating disorder but heyy we all deserve to enjoy our favorite treat foods! You can do it, I know you can!! I’ve been doing really well with treat foods lately and for me the only way to do well is to practice. YOu deserve to have carrot cake..and if your ed tells you your wrong imagine if you have little siblings cousins ect were asking you if you could have a piece of carrot cake you would never say NO!

  Nature, hopefully then Ill get it consistently. In the past couple weeks I’ve had the least amount of eating disorder thoughts that I’ve had in what seems like ages and I know its freaky. . the only way that the panic of omg i need them will go away is by not listening to that voice. And i definitely know what you mean about the coping strategy.. whenever anything goes wrong my immediate instinct is to restrict but lately I haven’t been.

  Clemmie, its not too late!!! Don’t be alarmed about your easy weight gain because starving yourself slows down your metabolism soo much. I constantly worry about constant weight gain too. I’m pretty sure that because you have been struggling with your ed for a while your body does not know what to expect. So it will take a while of regular healthy eating after you have put on more weight for your body to trust you. I know that this is not what you want to hear, but the only way to get on with your life to its full potential is patience and determination… Often I dont have determination to stay at my weight but I use others determination. If we continue to abuse our body, the harder the dammage will be able to repair. Sorry ive completely rambled..

  Take care of your selves and know that its ok… more than ok its what we need. xo abbey

• 47 Abbey // Nov 27, 2009 at 8:41 pm

  oops, Jilly, I meant that if your little cousins or siblings act were to ask you for a treat or food you would not sayNO and tell them to starve.. hope this makes sense

• 48 aliyah // Nov 28, 2009 at 2:35 am

  clemmie- hi there im aliyah
  i know exactly how u feeeel, i had anorexia for about that time too, and it messed uo my metabolism. im gna tell u the truth, but the only way to get ur metabolism working normally is to eat regularly and eat well, because the more u eat the faster ur metabolism gets.
  if u starved urself for a long time, ur metabolism is going to slow right down, and for a while u mite gain weight, but it DOES slow down, and i promise u that, because thats the bodies natural instinct. it doesnt want to make u fat, it wants to be at a weight that it works best at.

  i suggest u make a meal plan, and follow it, never miss meals, it will confuse ur body and mess up ur metabolism.
  i know its hard but if u do it now, ull thank urself later.

  you are strong and u will get thru it!lastly remember ur not gaining weight, ur regaining what u lost
  

• 49 Clemmie // Nov 28, 2009 at 3:18 am

  Thank you, it’s so much better knowing that other people have succesfully acheived this. Last time i did try it I mangaed to get to just over 8 stone and then i kept on putting on weight so i paniced and lost it all agin. This time i know that i have to do it properly , do you have any ideas for good meal plans?? Strangely i do enjoy food but it’s just i hate that i can’t enjoy it without worrying about weight gain.

• 50 jilly // Nov 28, 2009 at 9:18 am

  thanks god that i have this place to come to, it does help a lot to relate to eachother.

  thanksgiving…i ate A LOT and wanted more and more. i had a 2mi race in the morning and i also went for a walk and bounced on the trampoline. thennext morning i was petrified to wake up and face extra weight…my cuiosity brought me to the scale and i was actually at my lighter weight…odd. i hate this cycle and i hate caring!

  CLEMMIE! I LIKE FOOD TOO and ana wrecks it. i always get close to asking to get some candy but i stop because i know that i will feel angry at it. i wish i could be carefree about it seriously…it seems that every time i feel better and eat a lot, it haunts me and i want to get it off!

  i think you should just really focus hard on eating like grain and fruit at breakfast (like cerial and an apple) , grain dairy and fruit/veg at lunch. 2 snacks of whatever your heart desires, a dinner with lots of vegtables and a glass of milk and of course lots of protien (like meat if you eat that or beans). then, before bed, always have a nice bowl of delicious ice cream of any flavor you want. but only have one or two bowls…as overbundence of food always seems to trigger the ana.

  ive heard that 3rd world countries with less food dont have eating disorders as ofter. it makes so much sense to me. if my mom would control my snacking and portions like when i was little, i feel like the ed wouldnt have came…just a though but idont really know

• 51 Pat // Nov 28, 2009 at 7:45 pm

  Hi Clemmie-
  My daughter is recovering from anorexia and she too is very concerned because she has gained weight so quickly. However, she is determined not to go back to her old way of starving herself. This week she is going to see an endocrinologist to see if her hormones can be balanced and to make sure she is on the right track. This step was suggested to her and she is hoping it will help her regulate the weight gain.
  Good luck and stay positive! Life is good!
  Pat

• 52 Emma // Nov 29, 2009 at 7:54 am

  hi Clemmie, I know exactly how you feel i have been so down lately becuase i feel like the weight is just going on so quickly and you feel like its never going to stop going on do you .. i try to just forget about it and just eat but it is really hard and then thats when the ED takes over and makes you feel bad about it … it will get better though if we just keep trying to block it out and take control of our lives again.

• 53 jilly // Nov 29, 2009 at 8:23 am

  hello again, i hope everyone doing well. i start track tomorrow and im anxious. i still cant really eat normally at all and im so weird with food. my every thought is on what to eat and when to eat it and weight. i hate it. i hate it . i hate it. im worried that i wont fuel myself well, but i know with time i will choose better habits each day.

  & abbey, i used to hang out with my friends alllll the time nonstop. we were so close and we had a ton of fun. but time changes people and theyve gotten very different: we were a group of girls that never had a boyfriend and didnt drink. we were innocent, but they were anxious to get out there and they changed and i dont like it. i have strong morals, by the way. i still sort of like my friends, but i pulled away completely with my e.d. … now im really anti social a lot but thats kind of who i am. im not too much of a people person and id much rather be off in the counrty with animals than superficial high schoolers ahah. so to tell the truth, im not very social at all now and i dont have the desire to be… i dont know if i ever will like to run around with my friends again

• 54 Clemmie // Nov 29, 2009 at 9:26 am

  Hi Pat- Im really pleased to hear your daughter is on the right track. I think i would benefit from seeing an endocronologits, how did your daughter get an appointment?

• 55 Pat // Nov 30, 2009 at 5:02 am

  Hi Clemmie-
  My daughter is going to see the endocrinologist that I see for my thyroid problem. However, she had to send her records from her primary physician to this new doctor. I’m sure your doctor can recommend an endocrinologist to have your hormone levels check as well. The research I’ve done regarding anorexia has shown that your body really does get mixed up in the process of recovery. My daughter is hoping for some help to straighten her hormones, etc out and help level things out for her. I would talk to your doctor…
  Pat

• 56 Nature // Nov 30, 2009 at 6:04 pm

  Oh wow, so many new people here! I read all of your messages, but I don’t think I can type a response for everybody (I hope that’s okay), but I just want to say that you are ALL BEAUTIFUL, and you all are doing a marvelous job fighting the ED every single day. It’s a very tough battle, but worth every bit of struggle since you WILL beat it as long as you keep at it!!

  I am going out to a party tonight, and there will be a very good dinner. My workplace has a Christmas party each year and we always take up an entire restaurant and for the meals there is always an appetizer, salad, and the main dish with the trimmings so it is in fact a lot of food! However, I’m going to enjoy myself, .

  Best to all of you!

• 57 Chrisy // Dec 1, 2009 at 9:26 am

  Hey everyone! I’m new here. I’ve been on a few different “support” networks but I find that they’re too hard for me to be on. Seeing as this is completly a recovery site I think it will be better. At least I’m hoping so.
  Where do I start? I’m 18 years old. Freshman in college. I’ve had anorexia since I was 8. I’ve been up and down, fighting but slipping back quickly. I want to get better. I have a check up in a few hours. Make sure my heart is good, check my weight. I’m nervous. Don’t know what else to say.

  ~Chrisy

• 58 Chrisy // Dec 3, 2009 at 2:09 pm

  I feel like I have the plague lol. This site was decently active and all of the sudden no one is here.
  I hope you’re all well.
  ~Chrisy

• 59 jilly // Dec 3, 2009 at 4:01 pm

  hey christy sorry for the delay! wow youve had it for a long time! its time to kick ana’s butt and live your life!!! im in recovery and im doing better lately. my weight is still in a vicious cycle of going up 3 pounds and down 3 pounds etc etc. however, i let myself eat almost whatever. life is so much better with fuel. im realllly starting to get fed up with my fealings connected with anorexia. its so annoying and now i am noticing that when i dont get enough calories i really do feel like crap. the food does make your spirit better, altough going out of the comfort zone destroys that feeling.

• 60 Amy // Dec 3, 2009 at 4:48 pm

  I have bee recovering for 5 months now. All my weight is still on my stomach and it is SO uncomfortable and I am so self conscious about it.:( Will this feeling ever go away. I just feel it is never going to redistribute? I feel like dieting to get the fat off..bt then I don’t want to be anorexic gain. I dont think I will ever be free of anorexia if I always have this big stomach that looks lke im pregnant:( Has anyone else experienced this? Is there anyone else whos fat has redistributed and how long it took? I cant stand it much longer:(

• 61 Nature // Dec 3, 2009 at 5:01 pm

  Hey Jilly and Amy!

  Jilly, you’re doing a good job even though the weight might go up and down. Remember it’s normal to fluctuate! As long as you keep eating well, you’ll get there. Give yourself kudos for allowing yourself to eat, that’s really awesome!

  Amy, I bet you look nowhere near pregnant! We tend to over exaggerate how we look, and yes, the weight will redistribute. You just have to keep eating well. If you’re at a healthy weight or close to it, you could do some light exercise if you think it’d make you feel better. Just don’t go overboard.

  I find that not counting calories helps A LOT. When I first started recovery back in March/April, I counted a lot, and a few times I didn’t count but ended up doing so at night, and I ALWAYS felt guilty and freaked out after that. Just remember that you’ve come a long way, don’t give up!

• 62 Rochelle // Dec 3, 2009 at 5:40 pm

  I keep thinking I need to take time off of work to feel better, but in reality, I think I need a permenant vacation from anorexia. I know what I should be eating and what I should be doing, but how do I make myself do it?

• 63 Abbey // Dec 3, 2009 at 6:08 pm

  Hey everyone!

  Nature, I think its amazing that you went to your staff party and didn’t give your ed the control. How did it go? I have a Christmas party coming up for work .. I’m nervous!

  Chrissy, you can do it. Ive had my ed for almost 2 years and I feel a lot of the times that it defines who i am . So i know its very scary to think of life without it, but it will be A LOT more better without it. I was thinking about all the highlights in my life/ random fun moments yesterday and not one occurred when I was listening to my ed orders. I know gaining weight, trying to make lifestyle changes and ignoring your ed is hard but in the end it will be worth it x 100.

  Jilly I can totally relate to not being super social and to going up three down three. I’ve always been someone who is happy spending time by myself. Especially after returning to school I want to break away from superficial things as well which dont exactly help recovering.

  Amy, as Nature said your view of yourself is probably quite distorted. I do know what its like to gain weight to the stomach. Let me tell you it may be suppper visible to you, but its not visible to others. There was a point when I really wanted to lose a bit of stomach weight after gaining but all this does is make your ed come back. Eat regularly, eat enough and exercise MODERATELY (if you are at a healthy weight) and eventually this weight should redistribute. My nutritionist has told me that almonds and avocados help with decreasing weight around the stomach.

  Any suggestions for not measuring things? Ive managed to give up measuring milk a couple times but Im finding cereal, nuts, yogurt ect very hard.

  You all deserve the best, abxo

• 64 Abbey // Dec 3, 2009 at 6:16 pm

  PS Rochelle, I would always miss school to get better but what always ended up happening is more time for me to think negative thoughts and more time to exercise. howver, if missing work helps your recovery then great.

  Do you have a good friends, a nutritionist, or parents that could help you? Having a plan really helped me. I was at a hospital so I had no choice when I was eating and what amount. You need to send your ed away b/c its soo negative and takes up soo much valuable time .

  A mealplan and reasurrance is what really helped me. I would always ask my parents is it ok for me to eat this ect. I knew they would say YES, but i just needed to hear it. Every meal/snack that you are having a hard time with think would the girls on this website say no. Not in a milllion years . we would say YES!

• 65 Rochelle // Dec 3, 2009 at 6:38 pm

  I was seeing a counselor, but she was not helping at all. I felt like I could get away with telling her what I knew she wanted to hear. I know, so much for recovery. I am 28 years old. I should know better than this. My husband tries to watch what I eat, but I have found ways to hide it more from him as well. He knows that I am not better. I think even with a mealplan, that I would still stick to my habits. I am tempted to go to an inpatient program just to kick this for good. I don’t know what else I can do. I hate that it is taking up too much of my time when I could be doing so much more with family and friends.

• 66 Chrisy // Dec 3, 2009 at 9:45 pm

  I’m worried. I don’t usually eat when I’m home and I’m going to be home for 25 days when my classes are out! That is way too much time =/

  Jilly-
  Heh I like that idea =] Living life sounds good. I’m just a mess lol. Part of me wants to, part of me doesn’t. It’s so hard to convince myself to eat. I haven’t gained weight in so long. I just keep losing. I haven’t been this low in four years. It’s really starting to scare me. I completly understand that. My comfort zone is just so small. I’m sure it will get better when I keep trying, I’m jsut starting out. You seem to be doing very well and that makes me so proud of you! Keep it up, you can do this! =D

  Abbey-
  I had that too. I was pretty stable over the summer and it’s my summer memories that made me happy. I weighed 11 pounds more than I do now but I was in a bikini in front of people. And I had a great time. It’s odd. I don’t know what caused me to start slipping again. Maybe make it impossible to measure things? I feel like one of the reasons I do so good at school is because I have no idea how they make the food or how many calories are in it. Ignorance is bliss. Try eating things you don’t know how many calories are in them.

  I really like the idea that you gave Rochelle about thinking that all of you would give permission to eat something. I love that. Because I really tear myself apart. I’m starting to want to eat even when I’m not hungry just because I know I should eat and I want something. I usually end up eating a little then freaking out and throwing the rest away. Maybe if I try to remember that you all would give me permission to eat it it will help next time.

  Rochelle-
  I’m seeing a counselor to and I don’t think she’s helping at all. Infact, I think she’s making things worse. I feel like I need to prove to her that I do have a problem. And I thought of doing an inpatient program too but it would complicate a lot of things for me.

  I know how scary it can be but I also know that if you’re thinking about inpatient you’re pretty serious about recovery. Take a few days to think about it. Maybe talk to your husband and a few family members about it, see their opinion. It is a pretty big step but if you think that it’s the only thing that will help you I deffinatly say go for it. We all want you to be healthy and well and you clearly have a lot of people who cafe about you. You need to do what’s best for you.

• 67 jilly // Dec 4, 2009 at 5:01 pm

  hey guys, its actully quite overwhelming with how much i agree and can relate to all of you!!!

  thanks for the support, and yes i am feeling much better than i ever though i would feel just a month ago!! before, although i was in “recovery” i was only getting worse and worse and lighter (like you, Rochelle). recently ive got the blessing of enjoying food again and saying ” so what.” this comes with time because all the sneaky calorie cutting gets tiresome and you really do feel your health getting worse. i eat a lot of breakfast…kind of dont really eat lunch at school except for a 5 calorie jello… but then after track i go crazy with anything i like to eat. i know that my disordered pattern needs to improve, but i dont know b/c it seems to make me feel good.

  Abbey, im the same as you,..i hate superficial things (which also created guilt for having an issue with such a thing like appearance and weight). im not a people person really but i like being that way!!

  therapists totally dont work for me either!!!!! seriously, it made me lose more weight and go crazy and angry at her. maybe some really talented therapists would work but they are rare i think.

  Asking my parents for premission for food is such a helpful method for me too!!!! (i know they are really thinking “eat all the icecream in the house please!!” but it makes me feel good just for that little push) i also feel not so good when eating when my siblings arent or my parents arent home.

  i hate the round tummy thing too but i think we just need to bear with it… just keep in mind that you can get in shape and get abs soon enough if you nourish your body.

  **Does anyone have food suggestions that they really like? i suggest low fat ice cream or frozen yogurt!! it doesnt stress me out and its such a yummy treat. Also, eating lots of fruit and veg makes me fell good about myself. I still stick with lots of low fat items, but i dont limit myself on thoes things that i want

• 68 Abbey // Dec 4, 2009 at 7:15 pm

  I agree, its crazy how much we all relate to each other..

  Rochelle, I think if your thinking about it you should at least try it for a minimum of 3 weeks. I know that sounds really scary but even if you were to spend four months and recover that time would so be worth it in the end. I can definately say that when I tryed to get better at home it didnt work out near as well as when I was in inpatient program. I wanted come home desperately after a week because i was soo freaked out about weight gain and homesick but my parents made me stay. In the end my eating disorder is still furious but im glad.. the process is faster and this people know what they re doing as its their job!

  Chrisy.. being at home with nothing to do or more spare time and no structure is dangerous for me too. Could you plan some sort of activity do keep you busy. Also a food plan might be a suggestion as well. That way when its time to eat you dont freak out and have no clue what to make and then back out. You probably felt better and more confident because being at a healthier weight will make you think properly. The polar bear swim is coming up for school and I dont know whether or no t to do it.. part of me really doesnt want to and part of me really wants to. Im worried that if i decide to ill restrict or get really anxious before but at the same time its something ive wanted to do.

  Jilly, i know what you mean with the eating more at certain times of day. I have the problem of saving too many of my calories for my after dinner snack.. prolonging just a bit makes me feel better but im working on it.

  Today I got hot chocolate at a cafe… ! Im doing really well but im getting a little freaked out with how well im doing.. I know I should feel happy but I feel very confused. At least I know tht ive been doing a lot more and having more fun but i long for certain parts of my ed that are no longer listening to.. do you think this will ever go away?

  Have a good weekend.. take care of yourselves<3

• 69 Abbey // Dec 4, 2009 at 7:22 pm

  Jilly- I have started to love all sorts of home made smoothies again, toast and almond butter(I know it can be scary but almonds are really good for you, its just a bit, and almonds work against extra stomach fat), rice krispie squares i really like as a treat too and muffins are a great snack.. i always feel like i need new food suggestions .. i felt like there was so few choices but thats only because my diet had no variety.

• 70 Rochelle // Dec 4, 2009 at 8:13 pm

  I am a calorie counter. How does one finally stop counting? I go all day without eating anything. When the end of the day comes during the week, I’ll eat cereal until I got to bed and then maybe have a PB sandwhich or something. The PB sandwish really isn’t because I mix the PB with fat free butter. I know it sounds crazy, but its the only way I feel safe. I’ll max out at 1000 calories and then in the middle of the night, I’ll have more cereal. Its one of the times that I feel safe. Wow, I haven’t told anyone that before. Looking forward to hearing from you.

• 71 Chrisy // Dec 4, 2009 at 11:48 pm

  So I know a lot of us have been talking badly about therapists… and all of this is making me question myself. I kinda hoped there were just a few bad ones out there but I seem to be hearing the same things from a lot of people. I’m a psychology major and my goal is to work at an inpatient clinic doing group/individual therapy for teenages with ED’s. substance abuse/dependance, self-injury kinda things. What could you’re therapist do that would make you feel better? What do you think would be helpful? What should they do differently? Or should I just give up and get out of this feild? Becuase I don’t want to make things worse for someone.

  Jilly- my food sugestion is slice up an apple or two, put it on a plate, sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon, and microwave it for about 20 seconds or until warm and delicious. It’s soo good!

  Abbey- I’m really happy you don’t have a grudge against the inpatient program. That really gave me a lot of hope. As much as I’ve heard bad about therapy, I’ve heard a lot of good about inpatient.
  I’m thinking of working for a good chunk of it, I need to make some money. Unfortuniatly, I work at a fastfood place so that’s not going to be any help. It’s just hard to eat here. My mother never goes grocery shopping and I don’t have much money left (and I don’t want to “waste” it on food. Plus all the places near me are fast food) So it’s hard to convince myself to eat when it would take a lot of effort just to find and make something. And it’s so easy to get away with not eating. I’m almost always alone and even when I’m not she never notices that I don’t eat. It’s just such a bad enviornment for me.
  I completly get being confused about how well you’re doing. I feel the exact same way. And yes, I think that with time the feeling will go away but that could take a while. Keep you’re head up and keep pushing. I know you can over come it =]

  Rochelle- I really wish I could have a suggestion but I’m still stuck at counting too. The only thing I can say is try to eat foods that you don’t know the calories for. You can still get a rough guess but maybe that will help to make the numbers seem a little less real and less important? Sorry I’m not much more help.

  … I feel like I write a lot lol

• 72 Clemmie // Dec 5, 2009 at 3:29 am

  Hi Emma, sorry for the delayed reply. I hope things are going ok for you, it’s so hard but i feel like i cannot let it get to me because if i do i will never recover. Life is short and you have to make the most of it, we cannot let an eating disorder ruin it x x x

• 73 Hazel // Dec 8, 2009 at 10:55 am

  I keep reading and reading this page as the email updates are sent to me, but it has been quite a while since I’ve written anything myself.

  My recovery is going well, smoothly, but not solidly. I am consistently slipping and purging, but the secret seems to be safe with me. My therapist and doctors do not really know yet. Neither do my parents, although I’m almost positive that my mom can see right through me and can notice that my glands are swelling up again. I can actually FEEL and see the swelling this time. I’m trying to cover it up with my hair and by wearing a hooded sweatshirt all the time. I need to stop purging and take calcium supplements abundantly until the swelling subsides.

  I noticed that there are a lot of newcomers to this site – WELCOME. I don’t post that frequently but I do when I feel the need to share about my journey through treatment and recovery, the ups and the downs.

  I’ve been gathering summary reports from my support staff during my outpatient treatment for the past 5 months. These reports will go to my college because I’m currently on a Health leave of absence. This fall semester has been a very bumpy time for me. Admitting to my disease, asking for help, trying to fix my point of view on my life and life in general…. There is a lot to still accomplish and a lot that I have accomplished.

  I get all of my emails and messages directly sent to my blackberry. By the way, if anyone here has a Blackberry and wants to exchange PINs to bbm chat, I would REALLY love that. Let me know!

  Best of luck to all of you….. I send love and support.

  (Ask me for my Blackberry PIN!)

• 74 Chrisy // Dec 8, 2009 at 11:09 am

  Hazel- Are you in college? How does a health leave of absence work? I hope you’re recovery is going well. If you really want to get better maybe you should be honest though? They’re trying to help you.

• 75 Abbey // Dec 8, 2009 at 6:24 pm

  Heyy everyone .. things are going pretty well for me.. ive been taking prozac for almost 2 months now and I want to get off of it. I didnt want to be on it in the first place but I eventually caved in as my anxiety and o bsessive thoughts weren’t getting any better. My whole family has noticed an improvement with my mood and my eating habits. I want to get off of it because I was feeling soo tired all the time for a couple weeks. I have decressed my dose to 10 mg and soon plan to fdecrease to 5 and then quit. Have any of you tried prozac? Any suggesttions? I have told myself that if my anxiety comes back as bad as it was ill go back on it. Im feeling a a little but less than moderately anxious but i think thats because I am paranoid about decreasing my amount and the effects.

  Rochelle, I calorie count as well. Actually now that I think about it I have stopped (for the most part) figuring out the total # of calories I consume in a day. I just ball park my snacks and meals. The only thing I can recommend is when you have the urge to calorie count turn on the tv, listen to music, or do homework .. anything to distract yourself.. although I know the thoughts can be persistent. I think my prozac helped with that. Also night time is the safest time for me to eat too. I eat regularly throughout the day now but I consume quite a few calories at night. Try to have an apple and toast or something like that for breakfast.. and when you feel ok with that increase it. Healthy breakfasts consist more than toast and a apple. You can do it!!! It will be ok. Some days I dont measure things because my other friend who is sick is motivating me to. Its hard but the more you do it the more ok it becomes until its a routine. YOu may feel like its the end of the world but really its doing the opposite. Also , with the pnut butter you need fat! I hardly had any fat in my diet.. hence my completely dull thin hair which I hardly ever wear down anymore.. (its starting to grow back yay)

  Chrissy, treatment at private inpatient programs is expensive but it will be worth it if you can leave behind your illness for the rest of your life. I dont know exactly what its like to have your mom not care because my mom was close to pulling her hair out when I didnt want to eat anything. However, at times my family does say things that are REALLY not helpful to me espicially because my grandparents are reaaaally weird with food and weight.. (my grandma definately has disordered eating) I dont know what Im trying to get at other than I CARE!!! When you feel like your mom doesnt care think that all of us here care. Also my nutritionist, my psychologist and psychiatrist have all helped me sooo much. Sometimes I hate what one of them has to say ie dont exercise ! Dont be discouraged.. because yes there are some really unhelpful people but there are also some realllly helpfil ppl. I find that when they recognize that my ed is a coping method and dont put it like an evil thing that they hate it helps..

  Hazel.. youve done the right thing by taking the time to get better. Also, admitting that you have a problem is a huge step!

  Ive completely ranted, had horrible grammar and spelling! Before writing this I told myself id keep it short.. I could sum it up in take care
  xox

• 76 Rochelle // Dec 8, 2009 at 6:56 pm

  It is so great to hear everyone’s successes and stories. It makes it all the more motivating.

  Abbey – Thank you for your personal note. I was on Zoloft for awhile, but it made me extremely tired and very ill. I only stayed on it for about 6 months. I can’t say that I did better or worse on it. I have to admit that I do not allow myself to eat until nighttime. If I do have something in the morning, I am almost lost, wondering, what am I supposed to do now that I have ate something. I am so used snacking and eating at night that when I am done I go to bed. I might wake up in the middle of night and feel like I need more and I am okay with that because I go back to bed afterwards. Still going back and forth on in treatment. I honestly just feel like I am crazy and hate the thought that I even need to consider that, but how do you eventually find the push to get you over the hump and be normal again, or at least motivate yourself. I want a child so badly, but have been unable to ovulate. I am working with my doctor to take medications to help with that. I don’t want that to be my push, but I think it needs to be to get me going. Perhaps you are not considering a family right now, but hoping for some more feedback. Thanks much.

• 77 Chrisy // Dec 8, 2009 at 10:09 pm

  My therapist has asked me to come up with a few personal thoughts that will keep me fighting this that I can use over the 25 days at home. I have like one and a half lol. And I know that I’m supposed to use my thoughts and can’t steal yours but I’m still wondering… What kind of thoughts do you have that keep you motivated to keep fighting and moving forward?

  My relationship with my therapist and doctors are getting better. They want me to get analyzed over my 25 day break but I’m not sure how well that will work between money and time and getting to a place. But I’m going to try because anything that helps them will help me. I’m not going home this weekend because I do better when I’m at school and I’m not ready to be around my mother.

  Abbey- It has been bothering me a lot that my mother doesn’t care. She found out this past weekend and didn’t say anything at all to me. Sometimes when I’m eating that’s all I can think about which makes me stop. But I’ll try replacing those thoughts with thoughts of all of you. And thank you very much for caring <3

• 78 jilly // Dec 9, 2009 at 4:23 pm

  hey girls hope youre workin hard :]
  abbey- i liked your message and i can relate to you a lot! my hair used to be beautiful (not that id ever admit it then) and now its half as think and frizzy probably because the lack of fat. i can eat ice cream but not really high fat kinds. i just wont even go for the peanut butter though! maybe ill try almonds. also , granola had fat and im getting more comfortable with that. the thing i hate is that i feel totally fine eating when i know my weight it down, but when it gets back up to the point that is on the verge of my highest weight, i cant keep going and i wait until im lighter again to enjoy normal yummy food.

  it makes me anxious to eat alot throughout the daytime because then i think what will i do at night when i want to snack alot but i nkow ill turn up guilty.,,,so yah, i hold off till the night too.

• 79 Rochelle // Dec 9, 2009 at 4:59 pm

  Jilly, we relate way to much. : ) PB scares me too, but I love the taste, so I mix it with FF butter. I know I should just go for it, but the thought of going for it scares me. I know I am too thin, so why is it so hard to not let go of these habits. I am big on cereal. When I was seeing a nutritionist, she said that is probably what got me through and has been getting me through. Let’s kick this!!!!

• 80 jilly // Dec 10, 2009 at 3:28 pm

  oh my gosh i know!!!!! i have always been obsessed with cereal and it seems like almost everyone here has mentioned cereal. and i know for sure i may have been much more malnourished without my cereal because its like 50% of what i eat. ahah whats you favorite kinds? i love golden grams and fiber one and cheerios the best. special k blueberry is sooooooo good too but i tend to stay away because i dont like knowing that i just ate a whole box… ahah

• 81 Rochelle // Dec 11, 2009 at 11:09 am

  Serious anxiety problems last night and today…….never really had them before and can’t tell you how it is making me feel, but just need someone to say that it’s okay………..I just felt like I needed to eat last night. I wasn’t hungry, but I opened up a box of cereal and could not keep my hands out. Now I am feeling all bloated and sick today……I know I need to eat more and shouldn’t restrict today, but I just need to hear that it is going to be okay…..love Cookie Crisp and this one goes waaaayyyy back…..King Vitamin…….I know it isn’t normal to eat so much cereal, but I can’t tell you how comforting it is to know that I am not the only one…..tell me it is going to be okay.

• 82 jilly // Dec 11, 2009 at 6:32 pm

  oh my god rochelle im RIGHT at the same spot as you. ive done than with apple cinnamon cheeros. i wasnt even hungry and then i looked and saw what i did and i never wanted to eat again. and today i had soo soooo many animal crackers and i wasnt actually hungry. but from what i hear, our brains will keep wanting to eat even when our stomachs dont because our body is asking for more nourishment. lets try to ignore ana and get through this. and guess what , its normal to love the stuff and dont hesitate to treat yourself to 5 bowls if your mind tells you it wants that flavor.

• 83 Abbey // Dec 11, 2009 at 6:57 pm

  I have to go to a xmas party.. so cant write for long but Rochelle… Totally common. Everything will be ok and im not just saying that. When you are soo hungry it is natural instinct for your deprived body to want more. PLease dont restrict because of it. Whenever I used to over do it my immediate reaction would be to restrict but it leads into a vicious cycle.. which youre soo much better than. your body doesnt have your period for a reason you need more food.. take care of your self its ok .. ill write more when i get home or tomorrow.. <3 the best thing you can do is to make sure you have a good dinner tonight and an evening snack! That is probably incredibly scary but ill be there for you in spirit saying its okk!

• 84 Rochelle // Dec 11, 2009 at 8:48 pm

  Where were you guys at earlier? : ) That is totally what I needed to hear. It is going to be okay. We just have to get through this. We are better that ana and can beat this. If we do overdo it, it is because we need it. I …. we need to keep telling ourselves that. Thanks guys. I finally feel like I am connecting with someone that understands what I am going through. What are your goals?

• 85 jilly // Dec 12, 2009 at 8:04 am

  im totally with you on that. and its pretty obvious that i need you guys because i come to check new posts every single day!!!

  one of my goals: to not turn blue anymore. im serious. in school 2 days ago a couple of classmates and then my English teacher commented that i had BLUE lips and finger nail. i was so embarrassed and everyone was like “why do you get like that” and i had to say ummm bad circulation?

  i also need to be able to eat NORMALLY instead of saving my calories for at night when im all safe at home. i need a steady stream of energy and i need to learn to eat at a normal rate.

  i need my period back

  oh yeah and my knee pain came back and i had to skip track the other day and today. with ana, id usually ignore it and try to burn calories, but ive had enough nd i want my knee to be ok.

• 86 Rochelle // Dec 12, 2009 at 1:08 pm

  Hi Jilly. I think I need you just as much. : ) I need to get my period back too. I know that I probably need to gain at least 15 pounds and the though of that is disgusting, but I think that’s the only way that I am going to get it back and the only way that I am going to be able to start having a family. What I need is that push to make me do it and let go of the restrictive habits that have put me where I am at right now. Why do I even do this to myself. I had someone tell me that it was self-mutlation……the sound of that…..just sounds so much severe. I need to get back on track and to where I was nearly 3 years ago when I didn’t care about what I ate, well, I did, but not like I do now. It was different then.

• 87 Chrisy // Dec 14, 2009 at 10:39 am

  So I thought I must have gained about 3 pounds this week. But I steped on the scale and only gained one. And I was soooo excited! Although I wasn’t happy that I had gained weight it was such a relief that I had eaten that much and only gained that one pound. I think I’m going to start going to the gym. Start off slow, just walking. I really just want to be healthy. It felt so good when I was on the cross country team. My boyfriend made a deal with me that when I’m healthy we’ll go running together. I want to be able to do that by the good weather. So I’ll start working for it. Maybe if I eat and exercise I won’t gain fat, just muscle. I think that would be easier to deal with. My last week before I’m home.
  How are all of you doing?

• 88 Clemmie // Dec 15, 2009 at 7:25 am

  Today has been an awful day. Since i have come home from university i have gained weight, i think it’s because i cannot control what i am eating at home because my mum is always watching. Last week i started to eat 3 small meals a day and wasn’t gaining anyway weight and i was fineand now i am gaining weight and i am so scared. When i went to see the specialist last week i weighed under 7st and she told me that i am close to being admitted into hopsital. That terrifed me and i really want to get better but everytime i put on a tiny bit of weight i panic and feel so unhappy.

• 89 Kelly // Dec 15, 2009 at 5:59 pm

  Hey guys! I’m new to this site and this is my first post. I’m scheduled to see a therapist about my eating disorder when i get home for winter break from school. I have anorexic tendencies and i am constantly obsessed with food.. every aspect of it–I just ate an apple, pear, and clementine after dinner and I feel such guilt which i know isn’t normal. I was just wondering what you guys think i should expect from my appointment with the therapist because i’m nervous!

• 90 jilly // Dec 16, 2009 at 6:52 pm

  heyyy
  Christy- yah i have to gain around 15lbs, too and im scared also. but deep down we really will look prettier that way and our bodies will function properly. and i alsways feel like i gained a ton and its really an illusion. sometimes i even lose weight—the point is that its stupid to keep a running tally like this!! its a waste of brain space.

  Clemmie-i freak out too whenever i put on a couple pounds and i end up going back again, which is relatively easy. but we arent getting anywhere and im getting sick of keeping track! cant wait until i feel happier1!!

  Kelly-im really obsessed, too. even at my most anorexic state i went to he supermarket with my mom each week so i could choose the few things i would eat. i also need to get a theripist now that im stuck in a rut and my last one was terrible. hopefully yours helps out and hopefully my new one will. like you, i know im not normal but i just feel so comfortable with my weird ways.
  ps-eat all the fruit you want..it goes right through and it has very good vitamins. but we do have to eat all the food groups for a strong beautiful body.

• 91 ShaLece // Dec 17, 2009 at 8:28 am

  Hello I am new to this site and hope that you do not mind if I join.
  I have had anorexia/bulimia for the last two years now. I got better last year and let some of the weight come back on and then started to freak out again and started the same old behaviors.
  I am 28 years old and 5′5 and I am currently at 96 lbs. I have tried therapy before but it felt like I was just telling them what they wanted to hear just to get it over with and I could not afford the cost just to sit there are lie to them. I have a doctors appointment today and she told me two weeks ago that if I did not gain weight from then she was going to put me into inpatient. I cannot afford that type of treatment…..I will lose my son, my 2 jobs, and everything else……yet I am teriffied that I will gain.
  I know its stupid and that I need to gain, yet the idea of it seems so much worse than anything she can do to me.
  Sorry if I am rambling but I do not know what to do. My parents see me eat and think I am being normal now, but when it makes my stomache feel bloated and huge, there always seems to be a way to purge without them knowing. I have no where left to turn to and thought that maybe someone out here will have some advice.

• 92 Kelly // Dec 17, 2009 at 8:44 am

  ShaLece- you can do this.. think of doing it for your son! Think of getting healthy eating habits back step by step… I know it’s hard becuase you KNOW what you should be doing but it is so much harder actually doing the right thing… I know that what i’m saying to you is the truth but even i like i can’t afford to have healthy eating habits again. we both have to realize that when we think we can’t afford to eat something that we actually can and we SHOULD. think of the important people in your life and try to get healthy for them and yourself. you can do this

• 93 ShaLece // Dec 17, 2009 at 9:46 am

  Thank you kelly.
  I try to think of my son….but the thought comes that he would be better off without me because who would want a mom that is so messed up in the head that she can’t even eat right. I know it sounds awful but I feel that I have already messed up his life by divorcing his father.
  My sort of boyfriend says he wants to help me and wants me to gain weight too…..but I keep thinking that if I do gain everyone will see me as a failure and that when he does see me with extra weight he will decide that I am too fat and leave me too. And all the work I did to gain the weight will be for nothing.
  Does anyone else have the fear that if they start to put back on a little of the weight it will all come back and will end right up where it all started?

• 94 Kelly // Dec 17, 2009 at 10:14 am

  Never ever think that your son would be better off without you. Just because you’re battling with this disorder does not mean you are a bad mother. Even the fact that you are on this page and talking to people shows that you acknowledge you have a problem and are trying to get help, even though it is extremely difficult. That proves you care about yourself and your son and you are a GOOD mother. I’m scared that if i gain back all the weight then it’ll end up right where it started too.. i’m sure most people are. Your boyfriend will not think you are too fat when you gain weight back. your body isnt mean to have such a low weight.. its not healthy and its not natural. It’s great that he is supporting you through this … he’ll be happy and proud of you for gaining the weight! think of it that way.

• 95 ShaLece // Dec 17, 2009 at 10:26 am

  I really want to think that way…..and I can for a day or two, but then the old fears come back and its back to the same old cycle. I know he would be proud of me but with my past relationship history I am afraid he will run like all the other guys in my past.

• 96 Emma // Dec 17, 2009 at 11:33 am

  i havent been on for a while and was just reading through the posts .. and Jilly and Rochelle i am exactly the same i love cereal in fact this is how my anorexia kind of started becuase that is all i would eat just one bowl of that a day … as much as i try now though i cant do it which makes me feel like such a failure x

• 97 jilly // Dec 17, 2009 at 3:12 pm

  hey . yah emma, i have those same feelings: sometimes i wish i was able to dwindle my intake down to how it was previously, but my body wont let me. the thing is, i just remember that my life was pointless when i fixated on not eating-like everything else that was important to me seemed less important and i went on like a zombie. also, i recently have had comments that my face looks nicer now and im not looking as “sunken in” anymore.

  i eat a lot more now, but i know thats only because i know it hasnt really increased my wieght too much. maybe ill find the strength to keep on some additional pounds and not work them off.

• 98 Liberty // Dec 19, 2009 at 2:05 am

  Hi everyone,

  I think that I posted in the wrong place, I’m sorry. I will repost here.

  I am new at posting to a recovery site. I have been in recovery for a while now but find myself fighting harder and harder to stay there. Well, I say recovery for a while but I did have an issue in January of 2009 for a while. I am not seeing anyone for this, I have just begun to admit that I had a problem ourwardly. I am married with two kids and pets. My husband does not understand and I only have one friend who has gone through the same thing but she does not respond to me anymore and she does not talk about it much. I do not have anyone to talk to when I start struggling and I figured that I would give this a try. I suffered for 11 years and was in the hospital three times though none were for my disorder but was discovered in the hospital. I am currently a college student majoring in psychology and my ultimate goal, which is a while away, is to specialize in eating disorders. There are no clinics for this where I live so I intend to stay here when I graduate and try to open a place for those who suffer with eating disorders to come and have an understanding, nonjudgemental place to share. I do not want to do this unless I have been recovered for a while though. Too much fear that I will completely relaspe. If you have any question I guess feel free to ask and I will respond as soon as I can. Thanks.

• 99 Abbey // Dec 19, 2009 at 9:57 pm

  Hi everyone, sorry i havent replied in a while. To all the new members i will get back to you soon..

  Im fighting with my mom at the moment. I was out xmas shopping and its 9 and i havents had dinner.. i m really hungrybut i dont feel like eating.. i feel soo upset and really depressed .. I have had succh a high expectation for this xmas because my last one was absolutely horrible but soo many feels from last years xmas have come back today… perhaps im just having a bad day?

• 100 Rochelle // Dec 19, 2009 at 10:18 pm

  Abbey – Think of all that work you did to go shopping. Your body needs a bit to eat after all of those crowds. Hange in there sweetie.

• 101 Abbey // Dec 27, 2009 at 11:10 am

  Merry Christmas Everyone!

  After reading all the posts I missed out on I’ve been reminded of something my therapists have told me soo often. Because our ed make us undernourished we cant think properly . Thats whyy alot of us are saying “I want to get healthy BUT”. There’s always a but. It’s not logical but because we are undernourished we fall for this illusion. The other day when I posted saying I didnt feel like eating I was starving. If I had had dinner 2 hours before it would have been a no brainer. I would have had a good meal, but because I waited too long I couldnt think completely clearly.

  Rochelle, thank you soo much for yuor message. I had dinner and a good snack:)

  I got my period for the second time which I guess is a good thing. Don’t be discouraged because I was at at my low maintenance for 6 months before I got mine last month.

  To everyone new stay strong and know that all those lies about im no one without my ed or my son would be better off without me are absolute LIES.

  I have been eating quite well lately and have been having desserts as well. I know its what I need but I still have my doubts. Jilly I totally know what you mean by trying to go back to your old habits but you can’t do it. It’s because we ve gotten a bit stronger and our ed a bit weaker.

  Have a good holiday… Take care of yourselves pleasee! xo abbey

• 102 Rochelle // Dec 28, 2009 at 3:18 pm

  Hi all,

  I feel success. For over a week, I have not weighed myself. I had a ritual each morning, in which I would weigh myself before I took a drink of anything. This would show my “true” weight. No more scale for me. I am tempted to just throw it out, but have kept it in the closet and have not stepped on it. Tempted to, but I have resisted.

  The past two nights I didn’t feel hungry, but told myself that it didn’t matter and to eat more. I have a lot to make up for what I have done. I know it is only two nights, but I still feel good about being able to at least take in a little more.

  This week marks a new year. Let’s all make a new year’s resolution to get healthy and get better. Let’s beat this ed and get back to living a normal like. I know I want to, it is actually doing it that gets in the way. I want to enjoy life with friends and family without having the thoughts in the back of my mind that ed takes control over.

  I want to start getting my period again so I can have a family. I am taking an RX, but that hasn’t triggered it yet. My gyno is more than helpful in understanding my need and want to have a family. She has been wonderful to work with.

  What is working for all of you to change your thoughts with ED and start taking care of yourself? What motivates you to live normal again? (I know I say normal, but I just want to remember what it was like to go out to eat or have a meal without thinking about how many calories it has and when I will be able to eat again.)

  Take care of yourselves.

• 103 jordan lynne // Dec 30, 2009 at 11:42 pm

  hi my names jordan and im 15 years old and i live in Livingston, TN….this is my first time posting. i am a sophmore in highschool and i have had an eating disorder since eighth grade when i quit gymnastics and had seen how quiting caused so many of the girls to gain weight and i was determined for me to stay the same size…….i am now smaller then i was in eighth grade and its really gotten bad:( since the beginning of school this year i have binged and purged everyday sometime 4 and 5 times a day. my mom knew somethang was wrong when i lost 15 pounds in less then 3 weeks so she scheduled an app with my doctor(my ed doctor) they did my blood work and talked to me and blah blah blah. on the way back home the doctor called and told my mom to turn around and take me to the emergency room because my potassium was dangerously low……and i thougt “o well theyve made a mistake this couldnt possibly happen to me im healthy as a horse” but after a miserable week in the hospital they got my potassium back to normal while havin me on a strict meal plan. the min i got home it went back to same old ways and hasnt stopped since idk what to do cause i dont even enjoying the binge let alone the purge and im ready for everthang to jus b done. does anyone know any ways to keep ur potassium high? i need to know cause im having blood work done on monday.

  i seen a post on here that said they wish they could go back to being a little girl and being carefree……i completly 100% agree and i would give anythang to go back to those days and make em last forever.

  i would love to make some friends on here cause i have no one to talk to at my house and i just really need someone that understands so comment back and give me some advice! thanks girls

• 104 jilly // Dec 31, 2009 at 7:16 am

  hi jordan lynne… yup im with you 100%. to go back in time and live there forever would make me the happiest person EVER. its really the only solution i want. they made me go to a new therapist who seems to be better than my old one who i hated. this one explained how we need to change my thinking balblabla and i know shes right and i need to look to the future, but idont want to.

  im just miserable dwindling down to my low weight then eating back up until i hit my high weight then repeating the process. im SO MISERABLE and its taking all my purpose away: i try to waste hours away instead of using the valuable time for other things. on christmas i was so depressed that i hid in my room most of the day.

  i dont know how to quickly make your bloodwork turn healthy, but i can guaruntee that it wont be until you actully really are healthy. i have had some rough patched where i purged, but its no good and its wasteful. just think of your esophagus being worn away- that could cause cancer! you have to nurse yourself back to health. those 15 pound seem scary…but once they are put back on you can go back to enjoying other things and you can learn to put aside the food obsession. we’ll do it together because i hate struggling!

• 105 Abbey // Dec 31, 2009 at 3:16 pm

  Happy New Year!! (almost)

  Rochelle, I agree 2010 is all of ours to get better and do what truly makes us happy.

  I am soo happy to hear about your successes! Rochelle even though to the average individual not weighing yourself and adding a bit more seems minimal, I know what a HUGE success that is. My mom got rid of our scale. At first I went mad at the thought of having no scale to monitor my weight on a daily sometimes more than once a day basis but I hardly even think about it anymore. I get weighed every week although I haven’t been weighed in about 3 at the moment at the eating disorder clinic I go to. I still find it too hard to not know what my weight is when I periodically get weighed, but I’m hopefully working towards it! My advice is to throw out you scale because by having it is only fueling your eating disorder further.

  Motivation wise I think of everything that I loved before any signs of my eating disorder started. Most of the things I used to love my ed hates apart from my love of sports. Even then my ed didn’t really like team sports because I felt like I wasn’t getting an optimal workout. That shows me how unbelievably deceiving eating disorders are. Also, really think about how much you want a baby. Your ed will tell you well I’ll stop it soon.. You know that’s only going to be harder we let our abusive ed get what they want. As far as eating a meal without thinking about calories I’m still struggling with that. You can do it!!! Hope this helps. Great job on your success.

  Jordan Lynne, same goes with me and wanting to be a little kid forever! I’ve never purged before. I’ve tried a few times but fortunately I wasn’t able to. Being on a meal plan would probably really help because its really important to eat regularly. I think that helps with not binging and purging. Im not sure about the potassium, my only suggestion is take care of yourself! Your ed will always tell you that their is noo way that your bad habits are dangerous but in reality they are life threatening. Pleassse take care! Im here to talk!

  Jilly, Im sorry to hear about your xmas. I think of everyone o n this website and hope that they are taking care of themselves. Like you said with your weeight that continues to go up and down what’s the point? There is no point. It only confuses and damages your body. Once I got out of the hospital I would fluctuate from my minimum maintenance weight to four or so pounds under. In the long run it in all probability will cause permanent damage and only slow our metabolisms. It’s not worth it. Also we sure don’t want osteoporosis!

  Try and make a goal. My goals at the moment are stop measuring and counting calories. A goal could be Im going to eat three meals a day with a couple snacks. Or if you aren’t ready for that perhaps I will have a 3 good meals today. At first you may feel very uncomfortable .. but in the end you will feel soo much better for it.

  Im going to celebrate tonight a new year that is going to be ed free!

  I love hearing from all of you – Abbey

• 106 Katie // Jan 2, 2010 at 6:34 pm

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• 107 Clemmie // Jan 4, 2010 at 4:45 pm

  Hi everyone, happy new year!! i hope this is the year that we can all start getting better and beating this ed. I was supposed to have a relaxing, fun xmas break but instead i felt so unhappy most of the time and found myself just wasting hours doing nothing when i should have been using that time. It just shows me how much this ed is controling my life. i put on a few pounds at xmas and i felt so depressed and so tried to lose the weight again, i am so terrified of gaining weight, it feels like the worst thing in the world . xxx

• 108 Abbey // Jan 4, 2010 at 5:07 pm

  Hi Clemmie,

  This Christmas break I ate more than i normally do.. I have not yet been weighed which is driving me crazzy, but I know that I have gained weight. I feel like ive gained 10 pounds even though i know that I have gained no more than a few. This freaks me out because although I am a couple pounds under my low maitenance weight I have had my period two times in a row now. So i feel that why should i have to gain weight if Im healthy because i have my period. My nutritionist wants me to gain at least 3-5 more pounds so i know i shouldnt really be stressing but i am! So i can totally relate.. BUT your body needs that weight to function. Losing weight all over again is a thought in my head but all what for? The lower my weight gets, the more depressed I am. By losing weight in order to make you happy is only an illusion. Hope this helps. Im not sure what im exactly trying to say.

  Soo long story short the other night i got home and i ate ALOT all in one sitting. Just thinking about it makes me soo depressed. I had just about 1000 calories all in junk food after I had a really good balanced day of nutrition. THis has never happened to me before. Ive had more than a cookie before in one sitting during my recovery but never ive never binged. I feel terrible and dont know what to do. THis was Saturday night.. I havent restricted at all since which I cant figure out why. I know that this a good thing but it only pisses of my ed more..I would really appreciate any feedback? I feel soo confused.

  abbey

• 109 jilly // Jan 4, 2010 at 6:10 pm

  clemmie, i can relate SO MUCH. over break, i just kind of watched the clock, being anxious about weight. i let it ruin my christmas and many other days, too because i was so stuck on not gaining even though i know i should. i had a drs appointment today and it showed that i hadnt beet trying. i was down and the dr told me i had to go to the inpatient program once again…but she said i could have 1 week. to tell the truth, im so so so so so sick of this and its unfair. i want to be happy, but i have those horrible feeling of control.

  Abbey, you are totally right…we do want to lose the weight again but for no reason! and i am just as sad when im lighter again because i know hwta ahead. so why not just beat this alltogether and we wont have to worry anymore. and yah, that junk food splurge must make you very very anxious, but think of why you had that food. BUT you were fed up with ed scratching away at your brain and you wanted those yummy sweets. you were killing off the ed and you were strong to go with your instincts. if you feel guilt, just decide to eat some more veggies for the next few days, but dont be afraid of the yummy stuff because we deserve to satisfy our taste buds :] that ed will only make you feel ugly and gross, so ignore it and focus on how you finally are getting to feel human again!

• 110 You can do it // Jan 5, 2010 at 3:45 am

  Hi All,
  Happy New Year…
  Clemmie… I know what you mean, this year was my first year where i havent been very ill.. and i must admit i enjoyed my christmas dinner more than i think i ever have in my whole entire life!!! I thought i would have gained quite a bit of weight, and yes i did feel anxious about it, but in fact, i have actually lost weight, so i prooven that i am still not in tune with my body properly yet! But i am picking up my eating again, and tryng to gain again! So yes i can totally understand about you being anxious about the weight but, You cant let the eating disorder beat you… You need to think i dont want to let this ruin my life anymore, it doesnt even let me enjoy a happy time of the year… it isnt your friend it is your enemy! you obviously need to gain the weight, and yes it is true, the more weight we loose, the more unhappy we become…. And you said youwere going to have a relaxing christmas… so doing nothing and lounging about taking it is easy… that is relaxing… you havent wasted it… you must be soo drained that your body needed the rest!

  Abbey, I have binged food in my recovery… I think the reason is you havent had the right nutritions in such a long time, and you havent tasted food that tastes so nice in such a long time that all of a sudden your body wants more, as it wants as much as it can get, before you start restricting it again (which it believes you will)… And i imagine right now you are thinking OMG what did i do that for, but your body needed it… it isnt like you are overweight and are fat, and have a problme where you can’t stop eating… it is your body craving these things it has lacked for so long!!! But dont panic… Now it has happened, your body is refeshed and content… Now yyou need to start back on the balanced HEALTHY diet that you have been on… Fruit Veg, Carbohydrates, Fat, sugar, potassium etc… everything needs to be in there… and it still has tobe the right amount of calorie intake!!! Again, dont let it beat you… Your body has spoken to you, and told you it needs the food, dont let it down and starve it again! Try and ignore the disorder and listen to your body!!

  I hope i have made sense, sometimes i babble on and never make sense lol… But please… ED’s are their to control and ruin you… you arent a person, your a robot who obeys what the ED tells you to do!!! Its no life and you need to ignore it and eventually shut it down…. Im sure YOU are the wonderfull person… With the ED your differnt… So try and beat the ED and bbecome the YOU that YOU really are!!!

  All my love to you all

  xxx

• 111 Nature // Jan 6, 2010 at 2:15 am

  Ahh my goodness, I haven’t been on here in a while. So many new faces! It’s so good to see that everyone is still here and warmly and strongly supporting each other.

  It is definitely a new year, which means a new beginning!!! I myself have tonnes to work on even though my eating is under control as of now. I am sure all of you are doing a wonderful job, though!

  Personally, for myself, the eating has gotten easier, but my depression/anxiety issues still continued and were more hard to deal with. I guess these types of things really do take a toll on the emotional relationship you have with yourself. It’s not really about looks, how we act, or what we say, I think… it’s about how we feel about ourselves on the inside, and it’s hard to love yourself when you think you’re awful. I’m slowly coming to accept that the people that genuinely care about me loves me for who I am, that they don’t care about the mistakes I’ve made since they are what they are, mistakes… we all had a slip. The only thing we can do is to forgive ourselves, which is hard, I know, but we deserve to have a better life… we deserve love from others and ourselves… we deserve chances to change ourselves. And maybe, sometimes we think we were foolish to let ourselves come to this point, but no, we’re not… we’re only human, and it’s natural to make mistakes. On top of that, we’ve went through things some people will never go through. We become stronger, and we have experience and wisdom. We turn out better than we were before these illnesses even though some of us may think that we were a much better person before…

  I hope I didn’t babble too much and that whole chunk made sense. Either way, I hope you all are taking care of yourselves as much as you can. Please keep fighting. Even though I may not post much as I used to before, I do read them every day.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 112 Clemmie // Jan 6, 2010 at 5:56 pm

  Abbey- I have had the binging phase, where i just eat so much,normally sweet things until i am so full and then after i feel so guilty. For me it happens because i restrictmy body so much that i become so hungry and get cravings and basically go mad. What i have learnt is that sometimes it’s best to have a little bit of something when you really feel like it, say for example a small square of chocolate and that will fulfill your satisfaction and won’t make you binge. If you stop yourself from eating eventually you will want it so much that you will then end up going crazy and eating loads. It is really hard to think like that because i know for me i often feel like if i even eat a small square of chocolate i will put on weight and when i am going through a really restrictive period i wouldn’t even consider eating chocolate but i think as you begin your road to recovery eventually eating patterns will become more regular and eventually you will be able to eat a bit of chocolate and feel happy and not tempted to binge. Hope that helps.

  Jilly- Christmas really wasn’t what it should of been and i feel so angry for letting my eating disorder ruin it and i just want to get rid of this so next year i can enjoy christmas like i should be doing. Try not to get frustrated, i know it is hard and i often get angry and upset but just focus on the future and don’t dwell to much on the past. Yes this christmas wasn’t good but just think that next christmas you could be feeling so much better and it could be a lovely time, just like it was
  when you were young. When i visited the doctors a few weeks ago my weight was so low that they wanted to put me in inpatient straight away, i promised that i wouldnt loose anymore weight and so they agreed i could be an outpatient.For me going into hospital would be the worst thing, yet still i cannot seem to let myself gain weight, what scares me is how much control this ed has over me and if we let it it will always have this control and that can’t happen

  You can do it- Thank you that makes me feel so much better that you can relate to these feelings aswell. I know what you mean about not being in tune with your body, sometimes i look in the mirror and think i am so big even when everyone else around me is saying the opposite. I think it just makes you realise that you don’t really know your body at all and in order to get better we have to start understanding our bodies and looking after them, even though sometimes that is harder said than done

• 113 You can do it // Jan 7, 2010 at 2:38 am

  Clemmie, It is a lot easier saying it than doing it. you are definately right in that… But the fact that you know what you have to do is the first major step… If you were still in denial, then i think you would be falling even further into a black hole! I can honestly say that i feel very proud of myself that i am healthy again, and although still quite underweight, to where my “recommended” weight is, i am happy where i am now… I do want that curvy figure, where i look like a woman, not a little girl ( a shapless skinny body!)… and i am sure that that is what you want, but somehow the ED clouds your mind, and makes you believe what it wants you to believe… and i am sure you want that healthy image, with a healthy inside too! So you know what you have to do, eat healthily.. .and say NO to the ED, you are a better person than the “thing” controlling you… try and destroy it before it does you! Its nasty and mean, and doesnt deserve you, you are worth more!

  This is for everyone.. i dont now if you go on any of the pages that are also on this website, but there are a few others, and there is a lady called Tracie… She is a very strong woman and has been recovered for about 4 years (she has battled with Anorexia for 12 years!) and now she has been diagnosed with a liver problem, i believe it is quite serious for her, and she has told us all, so that we realise, if we let the ED’s go to far, then although we may believe we have recovered later on, the damage may already have happened, and then the ED has actually won! She has been such a brave lady, just like all of us, we have battled with this awful disorder! But disorders can be corrected, so please dont let yours go too far, pick yourself up and dont let the ED ruin your life… Life is for living and makesure you start now… otherwise it will go too far!

  Sorry if i scared you, but really it is the truth.. and ED isnt just about the image, being skiny and cold, and looking gaunt… It is the damage inside aswell, the longterm damage that could be there forever, and sometimes could be the reason why our lives are cut short, which i was very close to and would never like to be that close ever again!! Dont allow yourself to have a shortened life… GET OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN… BE HEALTHY AND ENJOY LIFE… LIFES FOR LIVING, NOT TO BE CONTROLLED BY AN ED!!! I know it is hard, and yes i still have the anxious side and sometimes feel fat… But ignore it, its more fun being free and yourself, than being how the ED wants you to be and trapped in it grips and under its control!
  PLease all take care
  Jemma xxx

• 114 Kelly // Jan 7, 2010 at 12:28 pm

  i’ve read the last couple comments and everyone is so supportive and giving great advice but i just cannot handle much right now. I have gained weight after coming home from college for winter break. I got scared after a couple pounds, but now the pounds keep adding up. i have been exercising atleast three times a week on break still, but while being at home i have been binging. i have come to terms with the fact that i have an eating disorder a little over a month ago but it seems like my ed has become worse and worse since i’ve realized that i have one. i am more depressed and more crazy with my thoughts. i weighed myself this morning after a couple days of drinking and eating with my friends, not to mentiion my late night dessert eating with my friends last night. i knew i would weigh a lot more this morning, but i did it anyways. now all i can think in my mind is the horrible number on the scale and how i have to go to the gym. but yaknow what? i’m sick of the gym. i’m sick of playing mind games with how much i have to burn during a session and how i think i have to go for the next couple days and burn the pounds off before i go back to school. i also didnt realize how close i am to going back to to school..10 days from now and i cant do it i dont want to go and i dont know what to do and i am just at a really bad point in my life right now and i’m sorry i’m just blabbing but all i can do today is just cry and scream and i have to let it all out.

• 115 jilly // Jan 7, 2010 at 7:38 pm

  hey- ever since 3 days ago at my drs appointment when she warned me that ill be in inpatient next week if i dont gain at least half a pound, ive started thinking: maybe i should go… i reallllllllllly dont want to but do you guys think i should? what is it like there? i know i can do this without inpatient, but im really getting sick and tired and i just keep on ending up in a cycle and losing any weight i may have gained. im confused… and i know i can easily gain 3 pounds but i know ill want to get it off right after the appointment… but i dont know if i should hold off on gaining so the dr will just make me go to the inpatient …

  i had to go back to the nutritionist and now ihave to record food and i hate doing that. it makes me want to restrict and i hate measuring..i usually eat handfulls out of boxes.
  -otherwise, im confident i can do this its just that i want to feel free of any guilt at all.

  keep it up girls and look towards future!

• 116 Rochelle // Jan 7, 2010 at 8:05 pm

  Hi Jilly,

  I often contemplate the same thing. Maybe I would be better off in inpatient. This would force me to make the change that I so dearly want. I too feel like I can just do this on my own, but I continue to get caught up in the same cycle. I stopped going to the doc because I only told them what they wanted to hear. That wasn’t helping anyone. I thought about going back to the nutritionist, but I did the same there as well. I am curious to hear thoughts on inpatient as well. Was it scary? I just feel like if I did that, people would think I was crazy and I would feel like a failure because I couldn’t do it on my own.

• 117 shannon // Jan 8, 2010 at 9:09 am

  i am newto this site..i have tried a few times to get away from anorexia but i just cant do it
  i need something to just make me better but cant seem to fing any thing i go to put food at my mouth then take it away and say no im no good at fighting ana shes taken over my life i feel miserble but cant do anything i excerise too much but not fit to do it and im scared of putting on weight quickly.

• 118 Abbey // Jan 8, 2010 at 3:33 pm

  Heyy everyone,

  Thanks for you kind encouraging words about my binge. It really helped me feel better! It’s almost been a week since it happened and yes I still feel guilty about it but I won’t let myself restrict because of it. Everyday I think well I’m going to cut this out, Im going to skip this, no junk food ect.. and you know what ?.. it never happens. This is very frustrating for my ed, but I know its a good thing. My hair has stopped falling out and is growing back in! Im less anxious, go out more with my friends, and eat regularly. So when I’m having all these bad ed thoughts.. I am able to reconize that misery and starving myself is not what i want.. even though when i type this my ed is like yes it is! The thing is is that I have already gained over 15 pounds and have about 5 more to go and ive been eating pretty welll since the summer so binging was a bit weird after all this time..

  THanks Jemma for your comment! It may sound harsh but is the truth. I know that all of us don’t want to have major or even minor health issues done the road because of our ed. Thats why its soo important to take care of ourselves.

  Nature, Im glad to hear that your doing really weell. Keep up the good work:)

  Kelly, Ive gained ab it of weight over the break and although I hate the sounds of it, its what we need. I know that it feels like the worst thing in the world but once you are at a higher weight you ll start to realize you actually feel better and less anxious. As far as exercise goes your body espicially when underweight needs a break!!! I used to exercise everyday. In the past few months ive hardly exercised! With binging try no t to think about the past because then youll only want to restrict which typically leads to a binge. If you eat regularly for a while your metabolism will balance out out and your urge to binge should lessen. When you have the urge to exercise and burn off a certain number of calories because your upset about your eating try going for a slow walk outside, listen to music and then make sure you have good meals and snacks throughout the rest of the day.

  Jilly, I DESPISE having to keep a food log I find them so triggering because on one hand I want to do really well, but on the other seeing everything ive eaten on paper is so triggering and makes me feel like a failure wanting me to restrict. I think you should talk to your doctor about having to measure and the log because if it is really triggering its not useful. Also having to measure could become a pattern. Something that I do and its very hard to stop and has now become a part of my ed that I am trying to stop.

  Rochelle & Jilly, I went to inpatient and yes there were certain aspects i didnt like, but there were things i loved like the other patients who were all soo supportive. although my parents forced me to stay when I was begging/screaming to come home Im glad i had to stay. I gained the weight much easier than I would have at home if i had been highly motivated at home. It made me get on with my life much faster. Although my ed is something that is on my mind evry day I function and am definately heading in the right direction. I think that you guys should give it a try because how can it hurt. Its really nice to be with people who understand and who are going through the same thing. If its not for you.. you can do it!! I think if your doing it out of inpatient its important to see a nutritionist because they keep you on track .

  Shannon, I know that exact feeling and you deserve so much better than that!!! although food feels like your enemy you need it to get better not to mention live. In addition to food you also need to resolve emotional things too. IT would be helpful to try seeing a nutritionist or counselor,

  Every take care.. I feel as though I have justfinished a book .. hope someo f it makes sense.. I plan to have a weekend which involves taking care of myself.. xo

• 119 Amy // Jan 11, 2010 at 2:59 am

  Hey. I have been recovering from anorexia now for 5 months. I am at a healthy weight now but my period still hasn’t come:( Im really worried about this. is there anything I can do to help it come? I have to take a year out from uni now because my appointments meant I was missing class. I think this was the best thing to do because I was missing so much and at least next year I can go back completely healthy. Hows everyone else getting on? Abbey I had binges as well. It does get better. Don’t worry:) xxx

• 120 jilly // Jan 11, 2010 at 4:35 am

  hey…im feeling scared because i know that i kind of want inpatient so i can get my life back fast… can anyone tell me if it is worth it? and please tell me what its like there i have no clue? what do they make you eat and can you do school work?

• 121 Abbey // Jan 11, 2010 at 1:33 pm

  Amy, glad to hear that you’re at a healthy weight. It took me almost 6 months after I gained weight to get my period. Don’t be discouraged. IF you are at a healthy weight for your body it should be on its way!! Getting your period isnt just about your body weight, its also about your intake. People who arent eating enough and who restrict but are still at a healthy weight according to their bmi can lose their period too because of insufficient amounts of food. So make sure you are still eating enough. Also this may sound crazy but I kind of invited my period back. When I had it it was something I hated. I told myself that its ok to have my period and I need it too be healthy. I think thats a wise choice to miss a year of uni as youll have the year to really get your feet on the ground.

  Jilly, it was worth it for me. At the inpatient I went to there were teachers who were incrdibly helpful in getting my school work. The other patients were amazing. THe food was healthier than I thought. I also always got options . For dinner there would be 2 options. ect. THe food definately pushed me out of my ed comfort zone but it all was nutritous.

  Ive been doing well with food. Im a bit stressed out but i wont take it out with my eating. I really feel like going for a good run to help with my stress but im scared that it will bring back my old exercising habits.. any ideas

  ABbey xo

• 122 Abbey // Jan 11, 2010 at 1:35 pm

  Ps Have any of you tried eating out?

• 123 Kelly // Jan 11, 2010 at 4:36 pm

  Abbey… maybe try going on a walk with music if you’re scared of returning to your old exercise habits? and Ive been out to eat. i dont know if looking up the nutritional information for some of the menu items to see which meals are healthiest would help you at all. I usually do that if its a chain restaurant. But i know that looking up the calories and nutrition can become very stressful and obsessive.. TRUST ME.. so maybe if you get a sandwich or something try eating half and bringing the rest home!

• 124 Kelly // Jan 11, 2010 at 4:42 pm

  also… one of my biggest problems is weighing myself every morning. I know the scale is never always accurate.. it’s not like a can gain 2 pounds in a night.. but the number on the scale controls my life! i know i need to stop weighing myself and try to enjoy my days instead of having them be controlled by the weight on the scale but it’s so stressful not knowing my weight in the morning. For those of you that weigh yourself.. how often and how much does the number on the scale change for you? I have a digital scale .. i dont know if that or the other type is more accurate.

  And Amy.. I am at a healthy weight but I don’t have my period either. I actually have an appointment in two days with my gynecologist to talk about it and about going on birth control to get my period again and regulated.

• 125 Rochelle // Jan 11, 2010 at 5:57 pm

  Kelly – I used to do this too. I am proud to say used to because I had a ritual, get up, work out, go to the bathroom, weigh myself. Yes, it had to be in that order, I couldn’t eat or drink anything until I did that. One day I said, you know what, I am not going to weigh myself. I didn’t want to be tied down to the scale anymore. The first day there was a lot of anxiety, but now I challenge myself to not weigh myself at all and see how long I can go. I would say that I probably weigh myself once a week or once every other week. The first time I didn’t weigh myself, I went for at least three weeks. That felt very successful. Try it! You will not believe how good you will feel. I know it sounds scary, but if you have to, throw your scale out or even put it in another room. Good luck.

• 126 Kelly // Jan 11, 2010 at 10:28 pm

  i had a big binge today around 4… i told myself when i was done that i would not eat for the rest of the night and go to bed early because i have to be up early tomorrow…. but i just ate random shit and its midnight.. mixed nuts, cheerios, chicken, raisins, a peppermint pattie… and i have my second appointment with my therapist tomorrow and i know i am going to weigh so much more. ughhhhh why can i only binge or restrict so mcuh? i know i have to eat balanced meals but i really really cannot do it. its one way or the other.. i either feel great when i restrict or i absolutely hate myself when i eat so much. my stomach is bloated now and i look disgusting and pregnant. i go back to school in less than a week and i want to be at a lower weight for when i go back… especially because my scale at home weighs me less than the one at school. and i know that i am trying not to weigh myself. but i know thaat in reality i will be. im so lost

• 127 becky // Jan 13, 2010 at 8:59 am

  so i’ve had anorexia now for the past year..i really dont even know where to begin but i realized i hit rock bottom a couple day’s ago when something super disturbing happend. im 5′4 and i used to be 132 about a year ago..right now im at 103. i didn’t so the whole “oh 300 cal a day thing” i’ve been doing the no calorie a day thing. awful i know. it leaves me feeling terrible inside, im always sluggish and have no energy to actually enjoy myself. i find myself thinking why cant i just be normal and not think food is the total enemy. my period has stopped, havent had it for about 3 months now and just weird things happen to my body in general. about a month ago i told myself “okay im going to try this eating healthy thing” but after 3 day’s i became so annoyed…annoyed with that pudge in my belly..annoyed with not enough collar bone showing or hip bones..or my face feeling huge. i have a salivary gland problem from this. they swell up and hurt on and off i think it’s like lack of nutrition and being dehydrated. i just dont even know how to fix this? is it fixable? ive kept the seriousness of this well hidden from my family. i mean they are aware i have some kinda problem but they dont know the extent, im 18 by the way. ….im so lost at where to begin….i always tell myself” your hungry but you know you cant eat, your not like eveyone else and your body just holds on to everything” so green tea has become my bestfriend. sometimes ill just eat once a week like sundays but it usually is just a garden salad or apple with cracker’s then i freak out about an hour later and go do hard core cardio..maybe take a few water weight pills. idk what to do….im not happy at all. help

• 128 Kelly // Jan 13, 2010 at 3:10 pm

  becky.. ive always have days when i do not eat a lot at all.. but ive never gone a day without eating one thing.. never mind going on like that for a week. its clear that you need help and you know that you need help. i know its so so hard but is there anyone.. either a friend or family member.. that you could admit to them that you have a problem? i think you would feel a weight lifted off your chest and not alone. i recently told my friends what was going on with me and it came to no surprise to them. but i know that i’m not alone in what i’m going through now and that people want me to get better. this could be a first step to fight your eating disorder.

• 129 becky // Jan 14, 2010 at 12:12 am

  kelly..yes im fully aware i have a serious problem. my mom knows but she doesnt know the seriousness of it all when i dont eat i just say im fasting or tht my stomach is bothering me. i know some ppl have ideas cause they’ve asked family member’s but it’s always “oh she just works out alot” clearly not so with my eyes the way they look always sunk in and dark. i just have such a heaviness right now in my chest like all this mess is constantly running thru my mind. writting on here helped alot today though just getting the feelings out somehow helps. well let’s see what tmmr bring’s. thanks for the comment kelly

• 130 Rochelle // Jan 14, 2010 at 11:08 am

  For those that lost their period and it came back, did it just come back once you were at a healthy weight or was medication taken to start it again?

• 131 Emma // Jan 14, 2010 at 4:29 pm

  hey becky i used to be exactly the same as you i never used to eat a thing and hardly drank anything becuase i thought it would make me ‘fat’ i would only allow myself to eat on a sunday everything but that was the only day… i didnt think my parent knew but they did … and i was told to eat stuff and it has taken me ages to eat again.. i used to say i can never actually imagine me ever eating a meal everyday like a ‘normal’ person, but now i do well i try to anyway … you will get over it with some help

  and kelly i feel the same i go one way or the other i either eat loads and loads or nothing at all … i binge alot .. i try not to but feel that i cant help it. i spoke to me dietician the other day about it and she said she would put me on a healthy eating diet but i dont feel like that will help … just need to learn how to control the binging becuase i will either make myself sick afterwards or take laxatives which i know are really bad x

• 132 kelly // Jan 14, 2010 at 6:17 pm

  my therapist wants me to see a nutritionist at school.. i hope it will help with the binging but even when i plan healthy meals and snacks for myself to have for the day.. it’s almost like my mind plays tricks on me and tells me to cheat .. which leads from one thing to the other and next thing you know i am bingeing :/

• 133 Emma // Jan 17, 2010 at 4:06 am

  that is the same as me … i thought it was only me but now i know others feel the same … when i eat aswell i try and tell myself am only eating because my parents are constantly watching me but i know really that isnt the reason its just me being greedy … i will eat even if i am not hungry like i did this morning i will have one thing then that leads to more and more

• 134 Amy // Jan 19, 2010 at 10:01 am

  Im really worried. I ate A LOT the past few days. Im at a healthy weight so I don’t need to gain anymore weight. Why do I keep eating:( Does it mean im not at my ideal weight or am I just a big fat greedy person. Im prob gona become obese now:(:( I feel awful. Really wana make myself sick. Ive never done it b4 but I jst feel ive ate so much that I have to. But im not gona but I realy feel like it:( This is not normal. Will I ever be better? PPl think I am better cus Im at a healthy weight but I feel the exact same as I did b4.. I wish i was thinner again:( Im sorry about al this.. I just feel horrible. ive drank a lot of milk 2:(:( Its so weird. x

• 135 Clemmie // Jan 20, 2010 at 2:46 pm

  Amy, the binging is a normal thing. Getting better is all about getting used to eating a proper diet again and sometimes you will eat less than you are supposed to and sometimes you will eat more than you are supposed to but dont beat yourself up about it, jsut give yourself time to get back into a regular eating pattern, it may take a while but it will happen and you will definatly not become obese. Im struggling so much at the moment, everytime i put a tiny bit of weight on i panic and become so depressed, i know i am underweight but i just dont want to put any weight on.

• 136 Kelly // Jan 20, 2010 at 7:05 pm

  Amy- like i said before i have the same problem too when i over eat alot and i feel horrible afterwards. a lot of us do it so dont feel alone or like you have some weird problem that no one can relate to. i completely understand how frustrating it can be.

  clemmie- i feel so depressed whenever i see the scale go up.. just remember that the scale is never completely accurate and it can change every day plus or minus a couple pounds. keep reminding yourself that you are underweight and your body is not trying to destroy you.. its trying to help you.

  For anyone that is looking for a good book to help with your eating disorder, i just started reading the book “Life without Ed” by Jenni Schaefer. She’s a singer who had and eating disorder and she talks about how she recovered. The method she uses is by referring to her eating disorder as a person-Ed. She says we have to separate ourselves from Ed and disagree with him. I’m not far into it but i already relate to a lot of what she is talking about and the method she uses is really interesting. Let me know what you guys think!

• 137 Amy // Jan 21, 2010 at 1:34 pm

  Thanks Clemmie and Kelly.U hav made me feel better x

• 138 shannon // Jan 23, 2010 at 5:21 am

  hi ive been n this site before
  i tried eating normally again it lasted 4 5 days and i just said im ptting on to much weightso i jus eat small bits but only consume a low amount of calories but i just want to get better please help xx
  shannon

• 139 Kelly // Jan 24, 2010 at 5:54 pm

  Shannon- just remember that you WERE successful by trying to eat normal for those 4 or 5 days and that every little thing is another step closer to getting better. I am absolutely positive you did not gain weight in those days. even if you did weigh yourself and that numbers were higher, that means nothing. the scale changes everyday. try to start eating normally again and listen to your body. The same thing happened to me this week … it was my first week back at school and i was eating more normal than i was before. it lasted for about 4 days until i had 2 huge slices of pizza when i was drunk one night. after that, i binged and continued to over eat over the weekend even when i said i was going to restrict what i ate. we just have to remember that we did eat normal, even if it only lasted for a couple days, and that we can still try to do it again and be successful. i know exactly what you’re going through.

• 140 shannon // Jan 26, 2010 at 9:39 am

  thank you kelly but it just the feeling i dont want to get fat i just need someone to tell me that went through it before that you wont get fat but i no myself you put on weight. how long does it take i used to excerise obsesafily but i started not have the energy to and still dont but im eating and trying to stay eating do i need to excerise alot or what will i do thank you for listnening
  xx shannon

• 141 Amy // Jan 27, 2010 at 3:30 pm

  Hey Aliyah.
  I was reading through the posts from a wile ago and noticed u had a similar experience of gaining weight around your stomach and waist. I have the same problem. How long did it take for it to redistribute? Do u still feel the same? Ive ben in recovery for 5 months now and i thought i wouldn’t have a fat stomach anymore because I eat healthily but I still do:( I have no confidence anymore. I am constantly aware of my stomach. Sometimes I wish I went back to the way i was before because I had a flat stomach. howevere then I think no I shouldnt think like that because I could hav died wen I was anorexic. Its so confusin:(

• 142 Nature // Jan 28, 2010 at 1:18 am

  So many new faces! I used to be a regular here, and I just wanted to drop by and say hi. It’s soooo good to see that you’re all supporting each other.

  Amy, I have lots of similar feelings as you, ):. I’ve been in recovery since around May, and I’ve been at a healthy weight for so long now…. but I keep looking at my tummy and how awful I think it looks… And even though I’ve had my periods for 5-6 times now in a row and it shows I’m at a good weight, I just feel so flabby. I want to start exercising, but I’m worried that will lead me back to this ED all over again, and that, we all know, is not good for any of us…

  I want to exercise, but only if I know I can do it in a healthy manner, and I don’t know how… Some thoughts like, “oh.. a few pounds lost won’t hurt,” run through my head, and I know it’s inaccurate. I think we just have to accept that what we see is not what people see… My boyfriend tells me that I am not fat whenever I am insecure, and people at my workplace still think I’m small. But really, we are at a better place now since our body is functioning and living.. not dying. Keep strong love.

  Shannon, like you said, it’s just the FEELING. Feelings aren’t always true. I have been at a healthy weight and stayed there for over half a year… and just recently I’m starting to get negative feelings again because I’ve been just lazy and have done zero exercise all this time… but it’s just the feeling and fear of getting fat… I promise you, it won’t happen as long as you listen to your body, and right now, your body needs this precious food to survive… Treat it well, and keep strong, xx.

  And to all of the other girls, you all are amazing by being strong and supporting each other. It’s tough, but please keep fighting. You’re all worth it.

• 143 shannon // Jan 31, 2010 at 6:39 am

  thanks i still only eat about 900 calories a day will i get fat that way if i eat a bit of chocolate and stuff like that i just need a plan but dont no the way to do it
  shannon xx

• 144 Rochelle // Jan 31, 2010 at 9:19 am

  Hi Shannon,

  I was stuck on about 1,000 a day and have finally bumped up to 1,100. It was scary to know that I had mentally bumped up to this. Its been a awhile, but I am up about 3 pounds. That is scary too, but people aren’t noticing that I have gained. In a way that is a good thing, but in another, I want them to know that I am trying. I used to only feel that I could cheat if I ate cereal. Now I am taking it one extra step and still feeling like I am cheating, but it is adding a sandwich and a salad. I know it is a super small step, but I have stepped up to the next 100, now onward to 1,200. You can do it girl.

• 145 shannon // Jan 31, 2010 at 2:39 pm

  well i have been trying these last 5-6 days having 4 wee small things a day but in school now the teachers and all found out that i wasnt eating im so scared because i dont no what to eat because im afraid of putting on weight and then when i come from school my parents make me eat a meal with them because they found out i wasnt eating and its too much i cant do it..

• 146 Amy // Jan 31, 2010 at 2:51 pm

  hey
  Is anyone taking fluxetine or risperidone. I read that risperidone makes you gain weight:( I want to go off it because I am at a healthy weight now and im afraid if I gain anymore weight Il relapse or something because I don’t wana get any bigger:( I dont no wat to do.

• 147 Rochelle // Jan 31, 2010 at 3:14 pm

  Shannon, I wish I had someone watching over me and making me eat dinner with them. Right now I do not and it is so easy to hide and cheat. We owe it to ourselves to get healthy and get better. I know it sounds hard. It is. I won’t doubt that. Today I had some cereal, outside of my normal box and I had to keep telling myself that this was okay. No one else sees us as fat. It is all in our head. I was telling my husband how good I felt and how I felt like I was moving forward. His comment to me was that he couldn’t tell I had done anything. In one way that is great that he couldn’t tell I added 3 pounds, on another, my habits are still being seen by others. I want a normal life. We can’t continue to do this to ourselves. You are at a point right now where you’ll come out of this much easier that what I will. Take it little by little. Each step is one piece closer to healthy.

• 148 jordy // Jan 31, 2010 at 9:08 pm

  amy,
  I’m taking fluoxetine right now, 10mg every morning, and it hasn’t made me gain weight. I’ve been taking it for depression and anorexia for about a month and a half now, and it has made such a big difference in my life. I’ve been at my goal weight for a month, and I haven’t gained at all on fluoxetine. The only reason you would gain weight is because a side effect of it can be increased appetite. If you aren’t feeling any hungrier than normal, I wouldn’t worry. I’m eating anywhere between 1500-2500 calories a day, and I just eat when I’m hungry. My metabolism isn’t exceptionally fast, just average. I hope this gives you some comfort…If it’s helping your mood/life/recovery, try not to worry about gaining on the medication.

• 149 Rochelle // Feb 1, 2010 at 6:57 am

  Hey Jordy,
  I wanted to say thank you for putting out there the 1500 – 2500 calories and then also adding that you aren’t gaining. This is comforting to know and gives me a better target number than the 1100 I have been stuck on for awhile. Are you on a meal plan?

• 150 Amy // Feb 1, 2010 at 7:53 am

  Hey Jordy. Thanks for telling me that:) I was on 40mg but im now down to 20mg every morning. Im hoping to be off it completely before I go to uni. Im on 1mg risperidone. They havnt reduced that yet:( yea it has helped my mood. I used to just cry all the time but I don’t anymore:) I can go out and enjoy myself and chat to friends now. xx Hey rochelle . when I was on 1100 claories, I was losing weight so you would definitely need to increase a bit. i take about 1800-2000 calories a day and don’t gain weight. Your body needs the calories. xx

• 151 Rochelle // Feb 1, 2010 at 8:42 am

  Thank you thank you Amy!! Were you working out at the 1800? That is what scares me. If I stop working out, will I gain way too much?

• 152 Nature // Feb 1, 2010 at 8:09 pm

  Amy, I was on fluoxetine before, but it didn’t make me gain weight. I stopped just because it didn’t do anything to help me with my depression. I was afraid, too, that it would make me gain weight really fast, but it didn’t. I guess it helps for some people while for others it doesn’t work.

  And for all the girls here wondering how to go about your meals… just to let you all know like Jordy and Amy said, you should be eating 1500+. The average person eats anywhere from 2000-2500 a day. I don’t count calories anymore, but I’m guessing I hit 2000 a day, and I have stayed at my healthy weight for 8 months, !!! All this time, I have done almost zero exercise.

  When I was at my ED clinic, I met with a nutritionist weekly first, and once I started getting better, I saw her every other week. It’s difficult, but I had three snacks and three meals a day. I can’t handle a large portion of food anymore unless I’m really hungry, and my eyes are always bigger than my tummy. I tend to graze on food throughout the day, but what I have learned from them is that you should have 3-4 milk products a day, 2 servings of protein, and a free choice of veggies + fruits. It’s also important to drink at least 1.5L of fluid a day. They don’t consider anything “junk food” and in fact, you should allow yourself to have them.

  I know this sounds like a huuuge amount to some of you, so what I suggest is try to get used to having something in your mouth at the right time of the day… Like a bowl of yogurt for breakfast, munch on some veggie sticks before lunch, maybe a bowl of soup with bread for lunch or a sandwich? Some nuts/fruit in the afternoon, and whatever you want for dinner? I had difficulty digesting food because my stomach wasn’t used to it, so what’s best I think is to nibble here and there.

  Good luck everybody, xx.

• 153 shannon // Feb 2, 2010 at 4:46 am

  ive tried everything but my brain isnt lettein me go over 900 calories a day yesterday i only had 600 cals in small wee things i cant get out of my head about obbessing about calories i don no how to get rid of it i want to eat normall with out counting and counting cals..im afraid if i go over 1000 i will gain weight like crazy please help
  xx shannon

• 154 megan // Feb 2, 2010 at 11:01 am

  Hello, I am very thankful to find this site. I am in treatment for anorexia. I am extremely frustrated with myself because I feel like everyone is trying to help me but they can’t understand how I really feel. I just can’t find the motivation to recover. I want to want to recover but I don’t. It is scary. Any help?
  megan

• 155 Gail // Feb 2, 2010 at 6:20 pm

  I am only recently coming to grips with the face that I have an eating disorder. I have lost a lot of weight and I am completely consumed with not gaining weight. I have not gotten my period in 5 months. The thing is, while I am at the low end of my BMI, and am narrow, I still have some stomach fat, so I find it unfair to understand that I need to gain weight to get my period back. I am not emaciated or anything. And I do eat, just possibly not enough to maintain my weight.

  The other thing is that even though I am trying to gain weight, I feel so stressed when I get weighed by my Dr. In some weird way, I am more nervous or stressed about my therapist seeing that I gained a pound, than about my own feeling about gaining a pound. It’s as though I am ashamed at the thought of her seeing that I have gained a pound, even though I know that she would actually be pleased.
  Can anyone else relate or understand why I would have those feelings? I can’t figure it out myself.

• 156 Nature // Feb 2, 2010 at 7:04 pm

  Shannon, I know it’s hard but the only way to stop having those thoughts is to STOP counting calories. Once your body trusts you, it will tell you how much you need to eat and when you’re hungry. It will stop when you’re full and everything, and it WON’T make you overeat. I can promise you that. I’ve been at my healthy weight for 8 months now, and I was scared, too, that if I eat over a certain amount that I’ll gain weight. 1000 calories is NOTHING. It will make you lose weight. You’re trying to get healthy again, and recovering anorexics need A LOT of food. A normal person eats 2000-2500 a day, so there is no need for you to worry! I know it’s very difficult, but try not to count… have meals when you’re supposed to in the day. Keep strong, xo.

  Megan, you have to be proud of yourself for acknowledging that you have a problem. That is a BIG step. Just think about it. What is this ED going to do for you in the long run? Has it EVER given you REAL happiness? I know for me it ROBBED me of my will to live and the right to be happy. After coming this far, I have realized that it didn’t do ANYTHING for me at all. I know you feel in “control” and momentarily “happy,” but that is a fake sensation. Take a moment to think about what you want to do in life… think if it’s possible for you to achieve those dreams with an ED. Do you have close friends/family that you don’t want to lose? An ED will kill you if you let it control you, hun. I don’t want to scare you, but that is the scary reality for so many of the people that had eating disorders… Even after all this time, I struggle here and there, and you know what, sometimes I want that secure feeling of “control” as well, but that will destroy us in the end. Let’s fight to get our life back.

  Gail, when I had my ED, I didn’t have my period for almost two years. That is NOT a good sign, and it definitely means that your body needs to put on some weight. I bet you do NOT have stomach fat. It is the ED voice saying that you do.

  Can you ask your doctor and therapist to not tell you how much you weigh? That helps a lot of people who have ED’s. I totally understand how you feel about it’s stressful to know that other people know you gained a pound. I think that is because when people have ED’s, we always compare ourselves to other people, and when somebody knows that we gained weight, it kind of feels like we’ve failed because we DID gain weight. I personally had my ED because my mother called me fat at 105 pounds back when I was turning 14, almost. So in a sense, when I gained weight, I felt as if I wasn’t meeting her expectations and I was ashamed of myself. I also measured my self worth with how much I weighed back then, so gaining a pound was something unacceptable. Does that make any sense to you??

  Keep fighting everyone, xo.

• 157 Gail // Feb 2, 2010 at 7:38 pm

  Hi Nature,

  Thank you for your support. I guess that does make sense. I guess it’s also something to do with being rewarded or congratulated with something I feel quite uncomfortable with or unpleased with.

  I know losing my period is a big deal. The thing is, I do eat and I am not emaciated. I am 5′6 and weigh around 123. I do two 1hr weight training sessions twice a week, 2 intense 1hr interval training classes a week and then the occasional hot yoga or spinning class. I have tried to cut out the spinning class lately so that I don’t do too much cardio and lose more weight. I eat around 1400 calories a day but admit that sometimes if I am out with friends I probably go a bit over. Then, I try to compensate the next day, but then I get only more obsessed. In any event, it’s clear that I am not exactly starving myself which then at times makes me doubt this whole problem. In fact even admitting that i eat 1400 calories a day makes me feel as though others are going to read this and think that I am a pig.
  I wish I knew how much weight I need to gain to get my period back (I think I last had it at 130 but does that really mean anything), and how many calories I need to be eating a day in order to gain weight (though again, I feel like I am eating a lot), will I look a lot fatter if I do gain a little bit of weight, and if I gain a bit, will I be able to stop?

• 158 Nature // Feb 2, 2010 at 10:50 pm

  Gail, 1400 is nowhere near enough! The average person eats 2000 a day. You will be losing weight with an amount like that, and you are exercising every week so you need more!

  May I ask how old you are? And remember, everybody has a different “healthy” weight for them, so even if someone is the same height but a different weight than you and have their period, it might not be a healthy weight for you. Yours could be a little higher or a little lower. We’re all different, and that’s how we are supposed to be!

  You will NOT look fatter if you gain weight. People’s weight fluctuate anywhere up to about 7lbs a day, and no, it does not make a difference to your looks! Trust me hun, as long as you listen to your body’s signals and eat until your body is satisfied, your body will stick to your healthy weight. I have stayed at my healthy weight for 8 months now, and I was really afraid that I’d keep gaining and gaining.

  Also, you won’t get your period if you’re too light/don’t have enough body fat. My body fat was fine when I started to recover, but I had to gain some weight (about 15 lbs) and stay there for a couple of months until I got mine back.

  Keep strong, okay? You can always come here, xo.

• 159 Kayla // Feb 3, 2010 at 4:46 am

  Hi Gail!

  I also lost my period before i was underweight. And i thought i was eating enough too. Its probably because of your muscle mass! Infact many female athletes lose their period when their in training! But you cannot live like that!!

  Before my ED got to its worst I thought I was eating enough. But lookin back, I was not eating anywhere near enough for the amount of exercise I was doing. 1400 is not enough! Your body needs about that amount just to function even if you hardly move all day. An Average person would eat 2000 a day, but if you want to exercise you need to eat more.

  I convinced myself that losing my period wasn’t a big deal because i was fitter than most people, but in reality i was detoriorating. My period has been gone for a more than a year now, and i now have ostepenia in my bones. Just as well I started to recover when I did or It could have developed to osteoporosis! Not fun for a 17 year old to have old lady bones.

  Anywae sorry for the lecture. But I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the misery I went through! I was a strong dancer now i’ve lost it all.

  So, please dont let ur obsessions get any worse. Its not worth it! You just have to listen to your body. Which is what I’m starting to do. You body is a temple. If it wants food then feed it. If its tired then rest it!!

  xxx

• 160 Rochelle // Feb 3, 2010 at 9:05 am

  How did you tell yourself that it was okay to eat more? I struggle trying to overcome that hurdle. I am so afraid that if I start eating early in the day that I’ll only eat all day long. I hate admitting this, but am glad that I can release with all of you. I do not eat until 7 during the week and then on the weekends, I wait until nearly 10. I do still have at least 1100 calories and let myself “cheat” before I go to bed. How can I tell myself it is okay to start earlier and know that I’ll be okay.

• 161 shannon // Feb 3, 2010 at 9:25 am

  thank you i cant just tell myself to stop obbesing aout calories i dont no why but i cant.. i want to be able to eat normal with out looking at the calories in everything im just scared of puting on weight i want to eat choclate and chips and all but ino its not healty and they have alot of calories so i dont eat them and i hardly eat any of my dinner and have low low low fat things HELP!!!
  shannon xx

• 162 Kayla // Feb 3, 2010 at 10:12 am

  Rochelle – I used to find it harder eating early in the day! I felt better about eating at night for some reason. But you just have to think what others do. Most people eat more earlier in the day and then start to wind down and eat less at nite. You need to eat in the morning to give you energy for the rest of the day and keep eating regularly to top up that energy.

  Shannon- Your probably not eating enough calories which is why you crave chocolate and chips. When your body is starving it wants a quick energy fix. But if you eat regularly you probably wont think about these unhealthy foods. Although you hav to remember, no food is unhealthy. You can eat anything you like in the right amounts.

  I should probably take my own advice aha as I still struggle sometimes. I dont know how i done it, but i hardly think about calories at all now. I tend to focus more on nutrition. Food is still quite dominant in my life, but i can actually focus on other things now . Hopefully one day eating will become like breathing. Like its supposed to be.

• 163 megan // Feb 3, 2010 at 11:26 am

  Thank you Nature for your help. You sound like you have learned a lot.

  Gail, I agree, sometimes I feel ashamed about gaining weight even though I know it is a good thing. Stay Strong though. I might try the idea of not knowing my weight. I think it would be helpful.

• 164 Nature // Feb 3, 2010 at 1:36 pm

  Rochelle, I suggest you mimic what and when your husband eats. I am sure he doesn’t wait until later when he’s already hungry! Also, I kept telling myself that food was medicine, and it was giving me my life back again because I knew if I just kept not eating, I would die. We don’t want that. Stay strong.

  Shannon, like Kayla said, everything is fine in the right amounts! And because your body has been famished for so long, you are allowed to have whatever you want! Trust me, as you start feeding your body and it trusts you again, it will tell you what it wants when it wants.

  I think the problem is that when we’re stuck in our ED, food isn’t food anymore. Apple = _ calories. Bread = __ calories. Eggs = __ calories. It’s just.. calories! I guess we have to learn that food is food, and it’s packed with nutrients we NEED to survive. It just isn’t *only* calories. I guess you can try to think positively about it, “All right, I’m having this piece of food, and it’s giving me vitamins and minerals that are going to nourish my body. It’s good for me.” I hope that makes sense!

• 165 Nature // Feb 3, 2010 at 1:38 pm

  Megan, you’re very welcome, and we’re all here to help you, . Stop on by whenever you need to, ^^.

• 166 megan // Feb 3, 2010 at 1:55 pm

  any advice for when you just feel stuck… like you don’t want to move forward or backward?

• 167 Nature // Feb 3, 2010 at 5:09 pm

  Megan, I always feel like I’m stuck and I’m not going anywhere, and sometimes, I just don’t care anymore. But you know what? You just have to remind yourself how you were like before all these horrible things happened. Just take a moment to think what you want to do in the future. You’re a beautiful person inside and out, and you deserve the best.

  What are your hobbies??? What do you want to do when you’re older? An ED will not let you achieve these things. Even if you don’t want to move forward, but continued with how you were doing now, you will be damaging your body more… so you’d be moving backwards without knowing it. That is not good, your body has gone through so much, and now it needs life put back into it… Stay strong.

• 168 megan // Feb 3, 2010 at 5:16 pm

  Nature, you are such an inspirational person and thank you for your advice. you have such a great perspective on life.
  Sometimes it is really hard for me because nothing is fun anymore…i am kinda depressed and anxious for no reason. i feel like i am not living for anything…
  (I dont mean to be pesimistic, just glad to have a place where people understand.)

• 169 Abbey // Feb 3, 2010 at 8:42 pm

  Heyy everyone,

  It’s been a couple weeks. Hows everyone doing?? Youre all amazing for being soo supportive of one another. xo abbey

• 170 Nature // Feb 3, 2010 at 10:29 pm

  Megan, I totally understand that. It is difficult. I’ve had depression for over four years of my life, and my ED + depression comes and goes, comes and goes. Right now, I’m having a hard time, too, but I know I cannot undo all the hard work I’ve done especially when I’ve stayed at my healthy weight for over half a year! That would be very silly of me!

  I didn’t feel like doing anything either when I was all depressed and glum + anxious. I felt like I was a hollow shell, too. Just a living body with a dead inside, but your body is still going because it wants you to live… You are worth it, Megan. Every little bit. It’s hard to feel that way, but I get the feeling that you’re still pretty young, and you have so much ahead of you.

  Do you have anybody that’s close to you??? What did you like to do before this all happened? Just try to remember what you were like before you got this illness. If you had hobbies before, try doing them again. Even though you might not enjoy them at the beginning, it should get back to you. It will relax you either way, so it’s not a bad thing at all!

  And you don’t have to be sorry for anything at all! I used to vent out all the time here on the other pages. It’s no biggie, .

  Hey Abbey! Good to hear from you again, . How are you doing??? I’m still trying to keep up with a healthy lifestyle. It’s hard, but I’m not giving up! Take care hun, xo.

• 171 shannon // Feb 4, 2010 at 10:42 am

  thanks very much..
  can you give me a plan how i can stop counting calories becuse my head is ready to bust im so hungry but dont want to eat because i dont no what to eat im so so so so so scared xx

• 172 Rochelle // Feb 4, 2010 at 11:01 am

  Shannon, I am completely with you. If there are any tricks to stop counting, pleas share. I keep telling myself it is okay, but I can’t get myself to eat earlier in the day. Today I had a piece of gum. I know this sounds awful, but I was even counting that. I haven’t had a piece of gum in months. I guess that is one step………

• 173 Nature // Feb 4, 2010 at 1:39 pm

  I don’t really have much of an answer for that… but, I always kept reminding myself that food isn’t just calories, it’s also nutrition and it was going to let me live.. another chance to life.

  I used to distract myself after I ate/when I was eating. Like watch tv, or go on the computer. That way, my attention wouldn’t be all on the food and it wouldn’t make me think about it as much. I just forced myself to stop counting, and when the numbers came back in, I just went, “No, no, no. I don’t need these numbers, so I’m not going to be bothered by them.”

  What I also find beneficial is listening to positive songs that help me. One I really like is Beautiful by Bethany Dillon.

• 174 shannon // Feb 4, 2010 at 2:21 pm

  thank you but i have tried to say no no no ut i still keep counting and stillonly consuming up to about 900 cals need help some how.. xx

• 175 Rochelle // Feb 4, 2010 at 2:57 pm

  Hi Shannon, I completely feel with you. I am in the same position. I only found myself able to “cheat” if I couldn’t count, like eating cereal from the box. I have no idea how much I am eating so I can’t count. I convince myself that I only had one serving…..it works. We both need to get out of the counting rut.

• 176 Sarahmarie // Feb 5, 2010 at 9:03 am

  Hey everyone, I don’t know if theres any long term users still out there on this site that would remember me. But I used to post every once in awhile. I struggled with Anorexia for over a year. This past couple months I have reached my goal weight and I can honestly say I am healthy again. Life is soo amazing once you get it back. I will never go back to where I was in my ED. It’s not worth it, trust me. We have soo much life ahead of us and without our health we have no future or life. I used to sit at home with my parents on the weekends and never hangout with anyone. All I could think about was food and what i ate that day and what i was going to eat the next. I obsessed over food. Now I obsess over hot boyyys.

  But yeah all I wanted to say was life after recovery is awesome and totally worth the pain and fear of gaining weight. Honestly, if you think about it we are so blessed to even have food to eat.. Think about all the poor kids in Africa who struggle to live and would do anything to be in our shoes…
  Thinking about my future and what I want to become really made me realize ED wasn’t worth it. With ED you have nothing. He strips your life away.
  If anyone has any questions about what its like after you gain and your at a healthy weight PLEASE ask. I’d be happy to ask any questions.

  -Sarahmarie

• 177 shannon // Feb 5, 2010 at 9:06 am

  yes we do and its so hard and scary i just want to live normal like my friends that can eat sweets and chocolate and not gain 1 pound. i feel like im missing everything i would just love if i didnt have to count cals but ino in my head i cant its scary xx

• 178 shannon // Feb 5, 2010 at 9:11 am

  il ask you some questions sarahmarie
  do you gain weight fast if you start eating like a normal person having 3 meals a day and snacks like sweets and things i want to be like that but afraid of putting on a pound
  and how do you stop counting everything you eat like a few bites of a bap or a sweet any thing like that.. xxshannon plz help me

• 179 Kayla // Feb 5, 2010 at 11:05 am

  Hi Sarahmarie

  Its so great to hear from people who have won their battle!! Its really motivating!

  I’d say i’m at the last hurdle in my recovery now, and hearing from people who have got their life back on track really helps!!

  xxx

• 180 sarahmarie // Feb 5, 2010 at 12:31 pm

  Hi Shannon, Im so glad your finally taking the steps to regain your life back!

  When I had to eat more and go threw the gaining process I kept myself around true friends who knew and supported me at all times. It really helped me to see how a normal person my age(16) acted and ate.
  I came to the realization that I HAD to gain and there was no way around that.
  I wrote down a long list of all my “scary bad foods” that I had restricted from my diet for sooo long. And each week I would pick one and try it, and as I did that I became comfortable with more and more types of food.

  About the obsessive counting of calories, I had to tell my self each and everyday and time I would eat something “This will get me one step further to regaining my life back”. Sometimes If I would start counting calories I would stop myself and say “Who caresss how many calories I ate”? and just laugh at my ED and think how stupid it is to just sit and take up time ruminating about calories. I learned that If i just layed in bed all day i would need at least 1500 calories for my body to even function properly.

  Anything elsee?
  -Sarah marie

• 181 megan // Feb 5, 2010 at 1:58 pm

  Sarah Marie, i agree that it is really really nice to hear from someone who has won the battle.
  did you ever get “stuck”? like did you ever feel like you did not want to recover? how do you get past that?

• 182 Nature // Feb 5, 2010 at 4:29 pm

  Hey Sarah Marie, . I joined this group a year ago, but maybe you posted before me. Either way, it’s really nice to meet you. Recovery wise, I have maintained my healthy weight for 8 months now, but emotionally it is such a harder journey for me because I also suffer from anxiety, depression, and have had self harm issues… I take each day by day, and *always* remind myself I have somebody wonderful in my life that will pull me through if I am stuck. Just knowing that one day, I will be happy, keeps me going.

• 183 Gail // Feb 5, 2010 at 5:10 pm

  Hi again,

  I haven’t been on in a few days cause things have been really bad. I have been eating the same as usual, and exercising the same as usual. 1400 calories a day approx. One day last week I went out for dinner and had a little bit more than usual but the last 4 days my weight suddenly is 3 pounds higher (not just one day, but for three days straight) and I feel bloated to the point where my belly feels distended.
  Someone tell me how I could have gained 3 pounds basically over night. I know there are weight fluctuations from day to day, but this has been 3 days now. And I don’t know what to do about the bloating.

• 184 shannon // Feb 6, 2010 at 5:35 am

  thank you sarahmarie but can you tell me if i start eating like a normal person will i gain alot of pounds very quickly thats what im so scared of i dont no what to do?? will i go back to the weigh that i was before i did this thats what i dont want.. help

  nature i have sufferd self harm too but i think thats what made me have this eating disorder i am curently suffering depression and dont no how to gwt out of t and eat happily like a normal person would with out gaing a few stone..

  shannon xx

• 185 Nature // Feb 6, 2010 at 1:12 pm

  Gail, it is just water weight and your body adjusting to the increase in food. I was bloated a lot when I first started eating more. There is NO way you can gain “real” weight over night, not even in half a week.

  I would sometimes lie down if my bloating was really bad. I drank lots of water, too. That seemed to help my body regulate things. I hope this helps, xx.

  Shannon, from what I went through, my body probably did gain weight quite quickly, but it does stop when you reach your own special healthy weight. You will NOT become fat, I promise you. As long as you listen to what your body tells you, and it starts trusting you again, it will tell you how much and when it wants to eat in a balanced way. You will not get fat.

  For me, self harm came after my ED, but I heard it’s quite common in people who have ED’s to have it, also depression, although I had that before I got my ED. It really is hard. I’m past the stage where I berate myself 24/7 and feeling nothing (which is the scariest thing for me), but my self esteem has crumpled. I’m fighting to get it back. It’s so hard to convince yourself that you’re beautiful, inside and out, when everything just seemed the complete opposite. But… you just have to try and believe you are, just like everybody else is beautiful in their own special way. We’re so much more than just a living, breathing organism.

• 186 shannon // Feb 6, 2010 at 2:02 pm

  but how much calories were you consuming a day when you were in recovery because i only consume 900-1000 calories if i went up to 1500 will i gain fast..
  i was 9 1\2 stone before i started dis now im down to 100 lbs in few months but will i gain all that weight back i dont want to though maybe up to 8 stone that all i want 2 go to but i dont no if i will stop gaing at that point Help
  and thank you for helping me it feels good to be able to ask people who has went through it before
  shannon xx

• 187 Abbey // Feb 6, 2010 at 7:38 pm

  Nature, I feel the exact same way too! When I think about going back to my old habits I really find it hard because why erase all the work and why go through the process of losing and eventually having to gain. I too know what its like to have zero self esteem and feel worthless. I can tell you right now you re amazing! You are incredibly supportive, well spoken, and positive person. Whenever I see that you have posted something I can’t wait to read it! I know that you are beautiful on the inside and out. Although this may be difficult to believe, you must or start telling yourself that you are because it is true!

  Shannon, I was consuming roughly 3500 calories a day during recovery. I gradually worked up to this. I know that this is a very scary number but like Sarah Marie said your body needs about 1500 calories a day if you were lying in bed the whole day just to function properly. Your metabolism has slowed down so yes you do gain weight quicker than if you were at a healthy weight but with regular, healthy eating your metabolism will speed up. I havent been counting calories recently but I probably consume between 2000-2500 calories a day. This scares me but im no longer gaining weight.

  Ive been doing overall really well which often freaks me out. My eating disorder tries to take over every day but i always think back to my previously thick hair falling out and the hours that it took me to fall asleep and I know its not worth it.

  Take care, you all can do it!!

• 188 shannon // Feb 7, 2010 at 4:24 am

  thank you veri much so if i keep eating normaly after a while my metabolism will speed up and will i gain alot after that. but will i go back to the weight that i used to be because i dont want that

  i always think about going back to not eat anything but i try and force meself to eat a few small meals with low calories its getting on top of me to much
  xx

• 189 Nature // Feb 7, 2010 at 11:47 am

  Abbey, thank you so much… your post made me cry. It hit me so deeply (in a good way), and I cried because I know I have a lot of work still to do… but I also cried because there are always, always people that care about me in my life… So thank you for caring about me… it means a lot. You are so beautiful. So is everyone else here, and I’d hate to see anorexia grasp anyone again (or any other self-destructive illnesses).

  Sometimes I wish I was somebody else. I try so hard to find whatever it is that’s missing, but I don’t know what it is… I have such big abandonment issues. My ‘friend’ of 4 years stopped talking to me when I finally had enough courage to tell her (after I withdrew from her a while) of my issues. I lost my mother to depression when I was 12. It’s like we don’t know each other anymore. Lost my brother to his gambling and issues from the past that have resurfaced. My dad is always on my mother’s side. It’s been nearly five years. My family and I are strangers. I don’t talk to anyone from my school anymore, and I barely talk to my family.

  In a way, I don’t even want to have significant relationships with anyone because I am so afraid of being hurt. There is so much stigma associated to the things I’ve been through, and I just don’t feel as if there’s any sense in telling people what I’ve been through if I’m just going to get criticized (which I have been before) or lose them. I’d rather have none than lose something. It hurts more losing something/someone than having nothing.

  But, I know deep down inside, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I have a boyfriend who I have known since 13. He is so beautiful, and yes, I am afraid of losing him, even after everything we have been through together. From my depression to the eating disorder.. to my attempt to take my own life… and a full run back to the depression and to self harming. I have screamed, I have yelled. I felt countless of times that I do not deserve him, and that he would be better off without me due to all my negativity. But, we are still here. We taught each other what unconditional love is. I feel inadequate. I feel ugly. I always feel as if someone “better” will pop in, and I will be no more. But, I am slowly learning that there is such a thing as true love and people who are there for you always. I am slowly learning that it was his choice that he wanted to be with me. I am slowly learning that he loves me for who I am (it was just clouded before because of all my issues) and that I am not ugly. I am learning that if I really was nasty, he wouldn’t be with me. I would not be here today if it weren’t for him.

  Next year, I will be turning 18, and will have a hummingbird tattooed over the scars on my arm (thank you Laurie for the inspiration – she told us she had a tattoo over her scar on the original recovery page). The hummingbird symbolizes peace, happiness, and life. It also represents accomplishing something which seems impossible. It is also a reminder that we cannot change the past, but we can learn from it (the hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards).

  Until then, I will be trying to live a little bit happier each day. I will be trying to learn all the things beautiful about life and myself. I am hoping by then, I am at a place in life where I feel like I have accomplished some things that I would have never imagined.

  I want to give a big thank you to everyone here. You give me a purpose in my life every day. You keep me from falling back into my old ways. I would not be who I am today if it weren’t for you all!

  So thank you, thank you for keeping me going. Thank you for making me realize that life is important. I’m sorry if everything was so long winded! I just had so much on my thoughts, but thank you.

  Let’s keep going everyone… Life is beautiful.

• 190 Rochelle // Feb 7, 2010 at 1:18 pm

  Hi Abbey – Did you get to the 3,500 on your own or were you in treatment? I am trying to battle this on my own and will not give my weight because I don’t want that to trigger anyone else. I think it is much scarier than the others are at right now. I want to be where there at.

  Keep telling us that 1500 is for someone laying in bed all day. Thats what I want to hear.

  There has been so much activity lately. It is good to know that I am not stuck in the disease by myself and that others are feeling the same as me, in that you know you need to get better and you want to get better, but almost feel stuck and scared that you’ll get fat again. Really, were we even that big before? I don’t know how you all got to where you are at now, but let’s beat this head on. We can do this!! We want to be “normal” again and live life to the fullest with friends and going out without having to think about food and what we can and can’t eat.

  Keep the advise and questions coming. What one is thinking is probably what another is too.

• 191 megan // Feb 7, 2010 at 2:38 pm

  has anyone read the book “Life without Ed”? my therapist recommended it.

• 192 Kelly // Feb 7, 2010 at 6:39 pm

  megan.. i’m reading that now! i actually posted a note on this page about a week ago to tell everyone to read it. the author explains the eating disorder really well (she suffered from one herself) and i can relate to so many things that she mentioned. i suggest you read it.

• 193 Gail // Feb 8, 2010 at 6:00 am

  PANIC –
  Yesterday was a bad day for me. Weekends usually are since I am around the house more. I just felt like eating and ended up consuming a lot of aspartame and splenda -(sugar free jello, lots of diet soda and beverages). I even found some no carb flour from atkins that I must have purchased 8 years ago and then used it to make muffins with even more splenda and aspartame and ate more than just one muffin.
  Today I weigh more on the scale. At least 3 pounds more. Is that possible? Could it be water retention? Or have I just been eating more this week over all, without really noticing, and maybe gained 3 pounds. I did exercise a lot yesterday and probably didn’t eat more than 1500 calories (still a lot for me), but clearly that didn’t make a difference. HELP – what can I do to get rid of those 3 pounds quickly (assuming it’s not actual weight). Do I just cut out fake sugar and drink a lot of water? Or is it a lost cause, or actual weight gain.
  I am hysterical today, a real mess

• 194 Hazel // Feb 8, 2010 at 12:14 pm

  Hazel here… Wow, I was the first to write on this site and I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. I apologize.

  I would say that my treatment and road to full recovery is still going uphill. Sometimes, I stop and look down the rocky path, wishing to be at ground zero again, because I was skinny and incredibly light. But the majority of me just wants to get my life back on track.

  I am weight restored now. My doctor checks weekly for my skinfolds and weight. I am not 103lbs on my 5′5″ frame. Still “slim”, but I always have been. I just took things to the next level by dropping down to barely 80 pounds during last summer.

  My mom has been my best friend through this. She has been a constant source of support and strength. God Bless her.

  I want you lovely women to all take note of my new website: loveyale.blogspot.com

  It is where I have started positing entries from my journals from months ago during the hardest times of my treatment and rehab. They are a collection of my bright hopes and darkest thoughts… I think it will help others relate and hopefully encourage you to seek more inspiration and happiness in your life. Your life is not your weight.

  loveyale.blogspot.com

  Tell others about it and please subscribe & comment. I am still working out kinks, but I would love to hear your thoughts and arguments too.

  I miss posting here and I hope to do so more often. God bless you ladies and make sure to take a look and check up on my site!

• 195 Chrisy // Feb 9, 2010 at 8:30 am

  Hi everyone. Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I took a break as I seemed to be getting worse instead of better. I figured that maybe if I stepped was from ED oriented things like this website I could at least pretend that everything is okay.
  It’s not okay though. And I need a little extra support. I know I can find it here.
  You see, I’m eating pretty normaly I think. (What I think might not be accurate as friends have pointed out to me.) But I’m trying and I guess that’s what counts, right?
  I’m not seeing my therapist anymore. She kinda gave up on me. I dropped on of my college courses. A lot is falling apart at home.
  Like I said, I’m eating. However, I can’t get rid of my ED behavior/thoughts. I exercise compulsively now. I’ll be doing homework and suddenly I’ll have to get up and exercise a bit. I’m going to the gym a lot more. I’m scared that I’ll never really be okay. That these thoughts and actions are always going to be with me. I don’t know how to stop. I’m still terrified of gaining weight. Please, remind me that it’s possible to get through this. Tips? Success stories? Anything.

• 196 megan // Feb 9, 2010 at 2:06 pm

  I had a really bad day yesterday…my doctor noticed that I have been losing weight and now I have to start gaining. The problem is that that is so much easier said than done. I know the people around me are only trying to help but it is really hard. They don’t understand it. Everyone keeps asking me what is really bothering me and what is causing this and honestly…i don’t know. I can’t explain it. I feel pressure to figure it all out right now and I cannot. I have trouble dealing with mental stuff and food at the same time… I just feel bad about everything i have done lately and that I have been resistant to everyone trying to help me. my eating disorder makes me not myself. I am scared but I somehow have to fight my eating disorder. encouragement? suggestions?

• 197 jilly // Feb 9, 2010 at 7:09 pm

  hi girls!
  ok, so i just got back from being in an intensive inpatient for 31/2 weeks. when i got there nd looked around, i thought id be out of there in 5 days max…boy was i wrong. the struggle there was absolutly TREMENDOUS. i thooouugghhht i was trying before but boy was i wrong. it sent my ed into crazyyyy insane mode and i was freaking out, but i got through the program and, yes, im still freaking out, but i see a better me in the future. i feel disgusting. my ed is alsways lurking obviously and im only at the beginning. i freaked when i saw how much i gained, but i know i cant lose it no matter how much i feel i need to. i have a HUGE emal plan that scares the crap out of me. all in all….i really needed the inpatient and i think it is the answer to many of you stuggling out there. those of you trying and trying and not being able to eat more than 600 cal are only compromising with the evil ed. you need to conquer it and the inpatient really riped at the ed. i met amazing girls, too.

  ok, but heres the problem..i already feel like im falling back and manipulating (throwing away food secretively). what do it do?

• 198 Abbey // Feb 9, 2010 at 7:13 pm

  Hey Shannon, I know you want an exact answer, but it varies for everyone. The more you take care of your self the less daunting being healthy and taking care of yourself seems:) Before my ed I was at a healthy weight and when I was really sick I was disgusted with it this number. Now Im a couple pounds away from that weight and I am beginning to realize that its actually a healthy weight. I know that its soo hard to add things but once you ve done it multiple times it gets a bit easier. We re all cheering you on from the sidelines and telling you its ok and that you need to add more to enjoy your life, let alone live!

  Nature, im so happy that you were able to a least take a bit of that in because its the truth, you’re an amazing person. Thank you soo much for your kind words:) I really do love reading everything you write. Your beauty and strength shines through all of your posts. The abandonment youve faced in your life is not because of anything you ve done. So please dont take it out on yourself. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful. You are with such an amazing person because you are incredibly too. You deserve to be loved and love yourself. Life’s struggles don’t make us any weaker espicially considering that you are on the right path. The humming bird is amazing.. very interesting that it can fly backwards. Your paragraph about trying to live a little happier REALLY is inspiring for me.

  Rochelle, I reached 3500 calories in inpatient. If you want a rough idea of what I ate Id be glad to share.

  Chrisy, I can definately relate to exercise issues. To try and take your mind off of things I suggest reading, tv, movies ect. When you feel like exercising try listening to music or going for a little walk. Last year I missed quite a bit of school because I couldn’t function. at the same time I wasn’t able to start adding in more food so the time on my hands made things worse.

  Megan, think about the damage that your ed is doing to your body. I know of someone who is in recovery and she has been told that she is at high risk of major stomach complications such as stomach cancer done the road. Im sure no one here wants that for themselves or any others here. When you are going to add something in think of me telling you its ok, its what your body needs. I too was soo resistant to accept anyones help but the people that are trying to get you to take care of yourself are the ones that love you.

  Your all amazing. Im really proud that we are taking steps towards recovery .. being on this website is something to be proud of.xoxo

• 199 Nature // Feb 9, 2010 at 9:41 pm

  Abbey, as much as my posts might have helped you, your posts keep me from feeling all down and negative all the time! You really do help brighten up my day, and I always need that at this moment and time in my life. I’m glad that we are both able to help each other, .

  Jilly, I missed your voice here so much! I had an inkling of a feeling that you DID go through with your potential choice of the inpatient program, and I’m SOOOO glad that you were able to learn through a lot of it and regain some of your weight! You have come so far and you are an amazingly strong person. Don’t give up!!!! We’re always here for you.

  Gail, it is just water weight and also some of it is from the food you ate. Believe you me, you CANNOT gain “real” weight overnight. Believe you me when I tell you that lots of scales are not precise… you may get a very different reading when you hop on it right after you just checked your weight, too! Please don’t give up, you deserve so much more than this.

  Chrisy, I have done barely any exercise for almost a year now, and my body has ADAMANTLY stuck at its healthy weight for eight months now. There is no need for you to do exercise when you’re at this fragile weight, and you will NOT get fat as long as you listen to your body and do what it tells you to. I know this is very difficult as I used to exercise a lot before, and if I didn’t do it, I’d feel very sluggish. I still feel sluggish for a matter of fact! But you know what? I can eat and be happy, and when I feel like it, I can go walking or biking and ENJOY it instead of having the number of calories burned in my head. I know it’s hard, but you have to live for CHRISY and NOT the ED.

  Megan, denial is the number one symptom of any addictive disease… but you have to understand that it is NOT you who is doing that. It is your disease. The disease is the one that does NOT want to change. The disease is the one that is telling you that you are all right. The disease is the one that shoves your loved ones away from you when they try to help. So do not feel guilty (I know this is very hard… I felt TONNES of guilt), and try and stand up to this stupid thing that is ruining everything for you. You deserve a wonderful life, just like everybody else, and there is no ifs or buts about it. You are very lucky to have people who care about you. We are always here, too. So please, accept the help they’re offering and fight off this disease for yourself and them… cry when you need to… take a breather if you’re out of breath, and when you think you can’t go forward anymore, always, always remember that there is somebody there for you.

  Take care everybody!! I’m rooting for all of you, xoxo.

• 200 shannon // Feb 10, 2010 at 4:21 am

  hi again anyone plz help me i started eating 2 weeks back but ive onli been consuming like 00 to 900 calories a day and the frist week i went to the doctor he said was a low weight and he cheeked me out then he said come back in 2 weeks and il see you then on monday there i went back i had put on 4 pounds i was 6 1\2 now im just a bit over that and im 5ft 1 but i eat healty things and i stil only consume between 500-900 calories what will i do and i have an obbession of counting cals it wont go away.. if i eat normaly i no i will put weight on very fast but all i want to know will i go back to the weight i was before i started this ED because i dont want that plz plz help someone xx

• 201 Chrisy // Feb 10, 2010 at 9:04 am

  Something that has helped me:
  I keep a journal every now and then, for those hard days when I need somewhere to put my thoughts and feelings down. it’s a great way to sort through where you are. On one particularly hard day I was starting to slip. To catch myslef I took a really long time and wrote down every reason I could think of to eat and be healthy. This included people I care about, people who care about me, and personal reasons like not feeling so weak. I suggest you write your own list. Take it out when it gets hard and remind yourself why you’re trying so hard. On the good days when you find another reason, add it to your list.

  Megan- Don’t let it all pressure you. Recovery takes time, you can’t rush it. Just take it day by day. Don’t be afriad to talk to friends and family, they’re there to help you. Just keep reminding yourself to stay strong.

  Jilly- Don’t secretly throw food away. I know it’s hard but you need to be honest with the people who are trying to help you. Don’t push yourself too hard, stay in a comfortable range but make sure that you’re taking care of yourself. Maybe eating small things throughout the day will help. And if you feel like you should go back to in-patient don’t hesitate. It sounds like it did good for you.

  Abbey- Thanks for the advice! Those are good suggestions. Walking is difficult because I’m in snowy New England but I guess when I do go to the gym I should try harder to take it easy and slow rather than just rush. My body has been through a lot lately and I need to respect it and give it time. Thanks for reminding me!

  Nature- I’m very glad that you can eat and be happy and enjoy yourself. That’s awesome! I guess I want to be healthy and I want to see results now. I’m going to have to come up with a plan. You’re right. I need to make sure that I exercise for the right reasons, without those numbers in my head.

  Shannon- Try eating foods that you don’t know the calories. It’s hard but you need to get yourself to stop counting. What if you slowly start to increase your food? Or eat small things through out the day, it won’t feel as bad. The important thing isn’t your weight, it’s your health. Focus on getting to a healthy state first.

• 202 megan // Feb 10, 2010 at 12:23 pm

  thank you everyone. this support really helps me. it is nice to have you all who understand what an ed is like.

• 203 megan // Feb 10, 2010 at 12:34 pm

  also, i was struggling with the question of whether i was recovering for others or for myself. i want to recover for myself so that my whole heart will be in it. then my mom said that i should want recovery because i know it is the right thing to do. that really helped me.

  then someone said “just keep trying to do the next right thing.” that helped too. sometimes it is hard to think about the whole goal.

  so we all just need to keep doing the next right thing.

• 204 Nature // Feb 10, 2010 at 2:07 pm

  Megan, that is absolutely right! We just have to keep on going and going even though we feel like we want to give up.

  And yes, it is very important to recover for yourself as well, but always remember, human beings are social creatures. If we didn’t have anybody else, we wouldn’t be here. So when you have those days where you think you don’t want to do it for yourself… remind yourself of all the beautiful people in your life that you do want to recover for, and that it’s okay to feel that you can’t do it for yourself sometimes… it’s all a part of recovery. What’s important for you is to take this journey at your own place, and then reach a place where *you* are happy about yourself and life.

  It’s so good to see that you’re being positive! That shows that you can get through all these tough times. I think you’re doing amazing. Keep staying strong. We’re always here for you, too!

• 205 shannon // Feb 10, 2010 at 2:35 pm

  thanks for ll the support.. but how can i stop counting calories im so so scared that if i eat to much calories in the day i will put on 5 pounds.. x

• 206 shannon // Feb 10, 2010 at 2:35 pm

  thanks for all the support.. but how can i stop counting calories im so so scared that if i eat to much calories in the day i will put on 5 pounds.. x

• 207 Nature // Feb 10, 2010 at 7:58 pm

  Shannon, what I just did was force myself to not think about the numbers. When I ate an apple, I ate an apple. I didn’t eat __ calories. When I had a sandwich, I had a sandwich, not __ calories.

  I know this is hard to do, but I literally told myself to stop whenever the numbers came in. Also, I didn’t allow myself to look at the labels in the back. That was always hard, and yes, sometimes I did look…. but I kept on going and going. With practice and consistent effort, it does get easier.

  Also, you cannot gain five pounds overnight. You need to eat 500 more calories extra on the top of the amount you burned per day for a week straight to gain a pound! And even with just lying in bed all day long doing nothing, you need 1500 a day to maintain your weight! I am sure you don’t lay in your bed 24 hours. You are up, sitting, walking, going to school, all sorts of things… your heart is pumping, organs working, blood circulating… your body works very hard each day to keep you alive! The average person eats about 2000-2500 a day just to maintain their weight, and they don’t count calories! I promise you, not counting calories will not make you fat!

• 208 Hazel // Feb 10, 2010 at 8:16 pm

  Hey all,
  I’m still purging, but the binging as really minimized. I’m happy about this. But I’m afraid the biggest reason why I’m not binging any more is because I am completely without any funds. I have a job now though and I start Friday – I’m really happy about this.

  I want to encourage you guys to not focus on calories. It took me 11 months to stop counting, but try to focus on the quantity you consume instead. Food, generally, all provides some nutrition and you’re all in a state of mind that thinks that ANY sort of food or consumption is bad. Nutrition and health become your worst enemy. When really, it is your best friend to getting better.

  Everyone please read my blog:

  loveyale@blogspot.com

  I’m hoping you subscribe and leave comments and your own thoughts.

• 209 shannon // Feb 11, 2010 at 4:49 am

  thanks nature for helping me i feel a like a pain to all use on this because i keep asking the sam things its just i want to know and ask questions from someone that already went through it. when i even eat half an apple or a bite of bread i writ down the calories and i add probly more than i consume i so confusing im a failure
  xx

• 210 shannon // Feb 11, 2010 at 6:05 am

  and can i ask you the doctor said i gaind 4 pounds and that was just in two weeks but i was only consuming in between 500 and 900 calories y is this can i never eat more than that with out gaing alot of weight xx

• 211 Chrisy // Feb 11, 2010 at 10:38 am

  Shannon-
  When the body is in a state of starvation it will cling to what you do eat, thinking that it might not get more food for a while. This weight will not stay with you. It could also be water weight, which won’t stay. If you eat regularly your matabolizism will catch up and even out.

• 212 shannon // Feb 11, 2010 at 2:11 pm

  Thank You Chrisy
  how much calories should i be eating im scared of the numbers but how much should i eat to mintain my weight..
  xx

• 213 Chrisy // Feb 11, 2010 at 2:47 pm

  As Nature stated before any where between 1,500 and 2,500. You shouldn’t pay attention to the numbers though. If you truly want to recover you need to stop the obsesive behavior. We all understand how difficult it is but it can slowly be done. You are Shannon. There is only one you. You are not a number, you’re a person. It doesn’t matter what the scale says, what the numbers on the boxes say. They are just numbers. Eat because you’re body needs it. Because it keeps you healthy.

• 214 shannon // Feb 11, 2010 at 3:26 pm

  ino shouldnt be obbessing but it is hard to not count i just dont ant to put on weight but i nee to get my period back im feeling that when i increse the calorie intak im going to gain an gain an weigh more than when i started an ed im so scared Help

• 215 Chrisy // Feb 11, 2010 at 3:40 pm

  If you want your period you need nutrients. The only way of getting adequit nutriants is to eat. You will not gain a lot of weight once you’re body realizes that you’re going to continue to feed it. You can also do light exersise such as short walks.

• 216 Nature // Feb 11, 2010 at 8:45 pm

  Shannon, like Chrisy said, you have to just stop looking at the numbers and don’t write the amount you eat anymore! Do not worry about the numbers. I know easier said than done, but so many people do not count calories and they eat what their body tells them to, and they’re not fat. What’s important is you listening to what *your* body needs. Nobody can come up with an exact figure for anybody for we’re all different!

  Just try to listen to your body, and at least get used to having something when your body says hungry. Maybe it can be yogurt, fruit, a sandwich, noodles, whatever. Just allowing your body to start having food at the right times will help you move forward. You’re still fighting, and you have to give yourself credit for that.

  You are not a pain. We all have days like these, and we are here for each other for that very reason! To help each other when we need a shove forward, . Take care!

• 217 shannon // Feb 12, 2010 at 3:40 am

  thank you nature and chrisy use are so nice helping me when im really stuk i want to be able to be normal and eat what ever when ever i want to but what if i go over bore and just gain gain gain i dont want that..
  do you have a meal plan i could fallow for 2 or 3 days with out going over my calorie intake please help xx

• 218 Kelly // Feb 12, 2010 at 7:52 pm

  shannon.. when you’re worried about gaining weight from eating a normal amount of calories.. just think of me who cannot stop BINGEING. I feel so disgusted in myself and i have only had 2 good eating days this week.. the others have included excess amounts of food and binges. I cannot stop. It is like someone is possessing me and i have no control. I just started seeing a nutritionist this past wednesday, and although she didn’t give me a straight meal plan, she gave me a food diary where i write what i eat at what time, my feelings while eating it, and a place to write my hunger before and after eating. she also gave me a sheet with suggestions about how much of what food groups i should be eating a day. this is what it says:
  (bread, rice, cereal, pasta, grains): about 6.
  vegetables: 4-5
  fruit:3-4
  (milk, yogust, cheese, soymilk) 2-3
  (fish, poultry, meat, eggs, legumes, nuts, nut butters) 2-3
  good fats and oils: 3

  I purged today after a big binge. I know its really bad, and its not a normal thing for me, but i’m scared it might become a normal thing. after i felt disgusted in myself, i decided i wasnt going to eat again tonight. but i did. a lot. I had 2 more binges. I really want to purge again but i know i cant. i feel like since i already had such a shitty eating day that i should just keep eating and eating since tomorrow i’m telling myself that i cant eat much at all. and i KNOW that this isnt the right thing to be thinking aobut in recovery. and forgive me for saying this, but i’m starting to wish that i could go back to being anorexic when it was so easy to eat so little, instead of right now when its so hard to stop eating so so much. I’m exhausted of this all. Right when i start being successful and try to eat normally, the next thing i know, i’m going downhill. does anyone feel this way? i feel like i’m drowning and have no control.

• 219 megan // Feb 12, 2010 at 8:12 pm

  Shannon and Kelly- I always feel terrified of losing control. and for me, eating a normal amount feels out of control. I am terrified that I will binge.

  Also, today in therapy I realized that I am such a perfectionist…it makes me want to be the “perfect anorexic” and it makes me feel like I am not sick enough.
  I realize that I should throw myself 100% into recovery instead but I am incredibly scared. Any ideas to get over fears?

• 220 shannon // Feb 13, 2010 at 4:21 am

  kelly i did the same yesterday i was tring to be normal i baked some scones and i decided to take a wee small one because the rest of them wer huge i took i nibble then i wanted more but it fell into a binge i baked 7 scones and i eat them all wit loads of chocolate speard then i had loads of things after it i did the worst thing and i made myself sick trying to get every thing up i was so scared i just want to be normal and not be afaird of food that i like.. megan im in the same boat as you too and just wanting to get over this stupid ED becuase i cant handle it no more.. xx

• 221 Gail // Feb 13, 2010 at 6:24 am

  Hi all,

  Shannon, I have been having the same worry as you. I can’t stop counting and even though I am trying to up my calorie count to gain weight, I weighed 2 more pounds on the scale last week and I really hadn’t eaten that much more at all. I became panicked that just 100 calories more a day and I would gain. How can I be reassured that it won’t go on and on and on. When will I stop gaining? I’ve lost over 60 pounds and am so afraid that I will gain it all back… and with just 100 cals more a day? That just seems crazy. At least let me eat chocolate cake (which I can’t really do) if I am going to gain weight. Don’t really understand it. Now, I’ve just lost all sense of what hunger is cause I am so controling about what I eat.

  also, for months my doctor was saying that I would have to gain weight to get my period back. That I had to hit around 130 but then I got my period the other day (yay – first time in 6 months) and only weigh 124). So, now I feel like my dr. was lying to me and that if I am getting my period then I am not really underweight. (just under my BMI, but still have a bit of a belly.) And about my period, while I am happy that it has returned, I find that I have been starving since getting in (though I did lose about 2 pounds now that I have it.).

  Thoughts anyone? Or just some reassurance.

  I know

• 222 shannon // Feb 13, 2010 at 7:40 am

  i am in the same boat as you gail but i just havin got my periords i need help too

• 223 Kelly // Feb 13, 2010 at 8:43 am

  My doctor just put me on birth control (tri sprintec) to get my period back. I have it for the the first time since i naturally had it it last may .. (i got in once in september but that was because the doctor put me on progesterone) . It’s been pretty heavy, but that was always an issue with my body when i was on birth control and that’s why i went off of it last year. but everyones bodies are different and a lot of people usually have really light periods on it. maybe ask your doctor about birth control? because one of the reasons we don’t get our periods is because our brains aren’t telling us to produce enough estrogen and the birth control takes care of that.

• 224 Chrisy // Feb 13, 2010 at 11:23 am

  I’m very proud of myself today. I made a decsision a few weeks ago that I wouldn’t eat today until just before I leave. I’m going out with my boyfriend to see Beauty and the Beast on Broadway tonight! A birthday gift from him. So I’m putting on a dress like I always do when I go to a show. But I woke up this morning feeling good. Tried on the dress and I think I look good in it! So I let myself have breakfast. And I still feel good. This is the second day in a row! I really hope you all have good days really soon. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this happy. I can’t say I’m prefect and recovered but for now, I just might me a little bit more than just okay.
  I’m sharing this small success story in hopes that it might motivate you. Something to work towards and look forward to maybe. Most of us share our struggles, I figure I’d add some good news to the mix.

  Kelly- I know that’s a really scary place to be but hang on. Instead of beating yourself up for eating try to congratulate yourself. You’re eating and that’s fantastic! And I know it’s difficult to have that much food in you but instead of purging, which damages you’re body so much, try to relax. Go for a walk, watch a favorite movie, pick up a book. Even a few deep breaths. Keep telling yourself that you’re too strong to purge. You are strong enough to beat this. I have faith in you. And it’s okay that you’re not doing so well right now. This is a long road. Just remember to keep fighting. Maybe slow down on eating, don’t get so far outside of your comfort zone. Or eat healthy things so you won’t feel so bad. Don’t give up!

  Megan- Maybe keep a list of reasons to keep fighting. Reasons to be healthy. And just take it slow. One step at a time. Don’t be afraid to lean on friends, family, and us. We all need people there for us. You’re not alone. We’re all in this together.

  Gail- Like I told Shannon, you’re body is so used to not having food that it’s clinging on to the food that you are getting. If you continue eating your metabolizism will catch up and you’re body will even out. 60 pounds is a lot to lose and I know you probably don’t want to hear this but you’re body probably does need some of that weight back to be healthy and function at it’s highest potential.

• 225 Kelly // Feb 13, 2010 at 12:36 pm

  Thank you Chrisy, I’ll definitely try to keep your advice in mind next time i’m feeling down. and keep up the good work!!!

• 226 Nature // Feb 13, 2010 at 3:25 pm

  I have “binged” a lot when I was regaining my weight. My body would not be satisfied with just one piece of “junk” food!!!

  One time, my mother and I baked scones since she really loved these white chocolate and raspberry ones (this was probably back in May or June when I was regaining). We used real ingredients: real sugar, real white chocolate, real raspberries, real butter…. all the good stuff. And they were decent sized scones, too. I probably ate like three or four of them! And what was worse was that whenever we didn’t bake them, my mother would buy some from the bakery and I could not resist! I just went whatever, I’d rather be living than dying and let my body do its job.

  After a while, though, when my mother bought some scones again, I had half of one, and my body didn’t ask for any more! I was so surprised and so relieved! So for all you girls scared about being out of control… I promise you that as long as you listen to your body, it will stop in time. Your body is NOT meant to be overweight. It will regulate everything out as long as you listen to it.

  Gail, my periods were very absent when I had my ED. I got it once when I was at my lowest after over a year from the last one, but it does NOT mean that your body is functioning properly. Only if you have it for 3 months+ each time does it mean that your body is functioning well. I’ve had it every month for half a year now, and my body had to stay at my healthy weight for around 4 months before it got its first.

  Chrisy, you did soooo well on allowing yourself to have breakfast and feeling good, . It takes a lot of confidence and courage to do that so please treat yourself very well on this day, especially when it’s SO special!!! So Happy Birthday to you, and I hope you have a fabulous night with your boyfriend, !!!

• 227 Chrisy // Feb 13, 2010 at 3:34 pm

  Thank you very much Kelly and Nature!
  And I really enjoy you’re scone story, Nature. It really is true that if we listen to our bodies everything will be fine.

• 228 megan // Feb 13, 2010 at 7:53 pm

  I feel really empty right now… like I don’t know what I am living for. that is really the best way to describe it right now…just empty.

• 229 kelly // Feb 13, 2010 at 8:12 pm

  megan.. i feel the same way. i came home this weekend from school because it’s a long weekend and some of my other friends are home too.. i always over eat when i am home and usually the first thing i do when i walk in the door is look at the food and eat too much. i didn’t do that today. i unpacked first, walked my dog, and then i came back.. and binged. i lasted for about 2 hours at home until i binged :/ and then i had chinese food and more sweets at dinner when i wasn’t hungry what so ever. my mom even stopped me with the cookies and said that’s enough (not in a mean way, in a way to help me because i’ve told her my problem with bingeing) Then i went upstairs, balled my eyes out, and puked. i puked yesterday too. and this is not a normal thing for me at all.. and i even told my sister that too.. that i only vomit once in a while. now that its been 2 days in a row.. i am so scared it’s going to become a habit. Megan, about feeling empty.. i don’t know who I am or what to feel besides disgust in myself, exhaustion over everything, or angry and frustration. My mom said that family members we hadnt seen in a while were coming over tonight. i was so mad and so annoyed because i didnt want to have to put on a happy face and pretend i was fine, and answer stupid questions about how i am and how school is going. but at the same time, i didn’t want to go out and be with my friends. i don’t want to do anything.. i feel numb and stuck. I feel so pathetic because after my binge tonight, i went upstairs and cried in agony and started vomiting.. this is all while our company started to come over. i heard them downstairs laughing and having a good time. i just texted my mom from upstairs saying to tell everyone i wasnt feeling well and that i would be down soon. so i finished crying, vomiting, i showered, then came downstairs with a “happy face.” this is so pathetic, really depressing, and so NOT me. im so scared

• 230 Nature // Feb 14, 2010 at 3:24 am

  Megan and Kelly… I wish I could give you two a hug right now. Those emotions are far too familiar for me, and for A LOT of other girls who went through what we did, but that doesn’t mean what we feel is insignificant… because it is not.

  It hurts. It hurts so so so much. I wish I could tell you both that it will get better…. but I know that’s hard to believe when you’re feeling like this. Empty, broken, numb… anger towards yourself and your problems, frustrations, stress, lack of motivation… not knowing who you are without these issues… being disgusted with everything…

  I hated myself for such a long time. It hurt to put on a smile for everybody else and pretend that things were okay. Some days, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had depression, too, along with my eating disorder, and things were nasty. Some days I’d just lie in my bed, thinking how I ever screwed up so much, and berating myself all the while of it. Other days I’d walk and roam around the city until the sun fell down. Thoughts constantly ran through my head. Negative thoughts. The only escape was sleep, but only to be awakened by the sun I chased down the last day… And I just thought, another day of shitty feelings, another day of starving, another day of beating myself up. I wish… I just wished that I’d be like everybody else. I wish I could feel more than pain. I wish I could be alive on the inside… I just want to be happy. I just want to be free from myself…

  I couldn’t see beauty. I couldn’t feel the love others had for me. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I couldn’t be fixed, that I’d never heal… I was so wrong… there is always a chance for everybody to fix themselves… you just have to try hard and work and reach for it. Life is waiting for you where you left it. We are ALL beautiful. We ALL deserve to have a good life, whatever a “good life” is to you. So let’s start walking down these windy roads and climbing these mountains to get back to the Life we left… because you do deserve a better life.

  I once felt I didn’t. I lost my mother to her depression when I was 12. My father was on her side at all times, and kept pushing me aside to meet her needs. To this day, I’ve never received an apology from him for that. My mother hit me, slapped me, and threw things including large hardcover books at me time and time again (before and after her depression). She broke plates and threw objects onto the floor. Sometimes, we had to lock her outside when she threw things. I was molested by a family member at a young age. I cried at night, alone, so nobody would hear me. My mother would tell me that she wanted to die. That she’d be better off leaving the family. She would say that Life was miserable, and she had no reason to live. That was when she was awake. I would wake up in the morning to an empty house. Cold, glum, and take care of myself and walk to school. I came back to an empty house… my mother was where she was in the morning… lifeless, on her bed… She barely moved from her room… That tore my heart when I was 12.

  Friends left me after I finally shared with them what I’ve been through after they asked me for so long… and when I did, they left me. These were friends I’ve known for half a decade… So I felt that something was wrong with me. I must have been unwanted, and I was neglected by my family members, because of the way I was. So I felt unworthy. Unworthy like I didn’t deserve anything at all, and it was all my fault.

  The only person who stayed with me through everything was my boyfriend, and I felt I didn’t deserve him, too, from what I put him through. My depression, my eating disorder, my attempt to take my life away, my self harm, lots of frustration and anger directed at him when he said the wrong things to me… Yet, he stayed with me through everything, even when I told him to just forget it, he would not budge. He told me that I deserve him, and that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t believe him. I felt like an awful girlfriend.

  Then, one day, I just had enough. Like you, Kelly, I felt that this wasn’t me. I wanted to feel love. I wanted to feel happiness. I wanted to smile, for real. I realized something, too. The only thing telling me that I didn’t deserve a better life was my negative thoughts. The only thing that made me push away people was my negative thoughts. The only thing that told me I wasn’t worthy was my negative thoughts. I learned that the negatives thoughts were what they were… negative thoughts. Unhelpful and untrue. I then realized that I did deserve the good things in life as much as others did.

  So girls, please don’t give in to your thoughts and the voices. You are ALL beautiful, VERY beautiful. It took me over four years to beat my depression, and nearly a year in recovery to get a good grasp on my ED. Some days are hard for me, but I’m happier than I ever was before. Knowing that I’ve made progress and that I’ve become a stronger person makes me feel proud and happier on the inside. You all deserve SO much. So please, don’t listen to the negative thoughts and voices. Please keep fighting. I’m sorry I rambled on so much. You’re all in my heart.

  Love,

  Nature.

• 231 shannon // Feb 14, 2010 at 5:13 am

  hello again i feel like im goin to relapse im so scared i dnt no what ta do i just bust into tears one minute and then stop and then go again i dont no whats rong im sick of being like this my mum has been away from i was 7 but i still see her now and again and speak to her on the phone i live with my granny and my two brothers live with my dad i try to be with him on some days..
  i felt like i was getting better about 2 weeks ago eating normal but very very low calorie things and some days it only added up to 600 700 or below.. i have knowen my mum has been coming home she coming this tuesday and i cant wait because im am waiting on her because i want to eat like a normal person but im scared of this im so uppsesed with calories and all that im terrified that i wont eat what she makes because i dont no the amount i need help to stop counting..
  she knows about my ED but i dont feel that shel not understand what im like how can i tell her im confused.. but i want to eat now but i want to wait till my mum comes home…
  sorry for rambaling on but i just need someones help xx

• 232 Kayla // Feb 14, 2010 at 9:50 am

  Nature your story is so sad ! I could cry!

  I respect your optimisim so much.

  xx

• 233 Kelly // Feb 14, 2010 at 10:34 am

  Nature- I’m so sorry about everything you’ve had to struggle with in your life. Clearly, you are a beautiful person on the inside and out and you did not deserve anything that you had to face. It’s amazing that through all your difficult times that you were able to stay strong and find a happy life again. I believe that if you can recover and be happy than I can recover and be happy. Thank you for your support. Keep us updated and stay healthy! Today is sunday.. the start of a new week. If i can start this week off the right way then i can continue to start every week and everyday the right way.

• 234 Nature // Feb 14, 2010 at 1:26 pm

  Shannon, you must stop yourself when the numbers come in. Do not let it process through you. Sometimes, you have to be very forceful to the mind games and voices anorexia plays with you.

  If your mother knows about your ED, I am sure she will be supportive. You know, people will never understand unless you try and talk and explain things to them. Talking takes a lot of courage… but it is well worth it in most cases. Just tell her straightforwardly, “Mom, I need help eating dinner tonight.” Even though she might not understand what goes through your mind, she should understand that you have a hard time eating because she knows you have an ED.

  Can you talk to your grandma about your ED? Does she cook meals for you?? If so, try to eat it, just even a few bites whenever your grandma has dinner out. It’ll help you. Keep strong, you’re doing amazing. It’s really good that you were able to eat normally for the past two weeks, even if the calories didn’t add up so much. You’re going towards the right direction!

  Keep strong, xx.

• 235 Rochelle // Feb 14, 2010 at 1:29 pm

  I have rituals in which, I don’t feel like I can eat until a certain time. How do I cut that habit? If I eat earlier, I feel so disappointed in myself as if I have failed……

• 236 Nature // Feb 14, 2010 at 1:33 pm

  Kayla and Kelly, thank you for your kind words. I just want everybody to know that they have a chance to be better, no matter how crappy and undeserving you may feel.

  I believe it’s not about how much or how little what one person goes through, but about how much that person hurts inside. If a person is hurting, it is very important, just as much as another person hurting whether he/she went through less or more than the other.

  I’m happy that my experience was able to help a few people here. I have a tendency to ramble on, so I was rather worried it’d be looked over, lol.

  Let’s keep strong, xx.

• 237 jilly // Feb 14, 2010 at 3:57 pm

  hi girls! i hope everyones keeping stong and positive.

  ive been doing surprisingly really well which really makes me angry and very confused at mant moments of the day. i have to eat A LOT and my family has to watch me to make sure i dont hide things and its so hard but necessary. like i said, i feel a lot better, but it makes me horribly ashamed and annoyed…the other thing is i cant take my body image. my stomach poofs out at the bottom more than i like it and it makes me so mad. i know its what women have and yadiyadiyada but i just cannot take that at all especially when im doing so well otherwise. also, i hate seeing the weight numbers go up and i know that “im more than a number” but it really bugs me and disgusts me. any words of wisdom out there?

• 238 Chrisy // Feb 14, 2010 at 7:24 pm

  So my two and a half days of doing really good came to a grinding halt after two sugar cookies. I know I haven’t really eaten too terribly much today but I still feel gross. I’m hungry. I should eat. I check the closet. Popcorn. Oh wait, I always burn it in the new mircrowave. Freezer: buffalo chicken. Start heating up the oven. Then turn it off. I don’t want to eat it. And besides, I had buffalo chicken for lunch. Downstairs, Mac and Cheese. Never really liked it though. I’m completly stuck. My stomch wants food but at the same time I feel completly full. I can still taste the cookies. Stupid rough patch. To eat or not to eat? And what to eat?! When I check downstairs I also ended up working out. Bleh.

• 239 Nature // Feb 14, 2010 at 10:40 pm

  Rochelle, while it is important to eat during certain times during the day, nobody really eats the same time every single day. Just do not think of numbers at all… I used to wait and wait and wait, so I would have a less chance of eating a lot during the day. That only slows our metabolism down, and it is not good. I suggest you eat your breakfast around the time you wake up, then lunch around noon, and then dinner. If you’re hungry in between meals, have a snack! You have NOT failed by eating earlier. When you do that, you just kicked Ana’s ass, so kick her as much as you’d like!!!

  Jilly, how are you doing?? Long time no hear, .

  It’s good to see that your family is taking a supportive role in your recovery. That will help you a lot. You are doing sooo well by the looks of it. Remember, anorexia will only kill you. We need food to live. The weight will redistribute within time. I think I have a pudgy stomach, too, aha, but people still tell me that I’m really small. Also, throw the scale away! If you’re being weighed at the doctor’s, tell him that you don’t want to know what you weigh. It’s helpful to not know to some girls.

  You’re doing so great, though. Keep it up girl!

  Chrisy, I allow myself to have whatever I want. Two sugar cookies is barely anything! It’s just a snack, not even a meal! Your body needs food, especially if you work out on top! By not eating, your body will slow down its metabolism, and that is not good. Our body is like a car… it needs food to run. So please, put in the “gas” when it’s out! Otherwise, we will stop. Anorexia will only take your life away. Please keep fighting.

• 240 Chrisy // Feb 14, 2010 at 11:05 pm

  Thank you Nature.
  I’m not giving up anytime soon, so don’t worry. I’ve got too much to fight for. Sometimes I just it wasn’t such a black and white, wrong or right, kind of war. Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.

• 241 jilly // Feb 15, 2010 at 6:46 am

  thanks nature, i can always depend on you for good advice:]
  im doing well i guess..i just got out of inpatient a week ago so im kind of stressed out and im freaking out right now cause my orinary pair of jeans from before ana are feeling unusually tight… but im doing the meal plan! how are you doing?

• 242 Nature // Feb 15, 2010 at 5:41 pm

  Chrisy, you’re very welcome. Sometimes it does feel like black and white, but few things in life are. I think people have a tendency to stare at the “black” side of things, but we must work hard to look at the positives, even if there are only little. You’ve done great so far, keep on going!

  Jilly, I’m so glad you’re doing the meal plan! Things might be stressful, and I have to buy new clothes, too… but it’s great since we can buy new, lovely clothes that look great and fit us properly! I am doing really well right now, both emotionally and physically. I went out with my great uncle who is almost 90 years old to his senior citizen exercise classes. Was fun to watch actually! I hope you take care, and keep strong xo.

• 243 Rochelle // Feb 15, 2010 at 5:47 pm

  Hi Nature. Thank you so much for your thoughts. They are very helpful. When did you finally tell yourself that you couldn’t do this to yourself anymore? Was there a turning point for you? How quickly were you able to turn it around?

• 244 Nature // Feb 16, 2010 at 11:25 am

  Hey Rochelle! You’re very welcome. I told myself I couldn’t do this anymore when I realized just how much I was hurting my boyfriend. My semi-turning point came before that, though. I tried to take my own life, and that jolted me, but now that I look back at it, it wasn’t enough. I had LOTS of ups and downs after that, and I knew I couldn’t do this anymore when one day my boyfriend had tears in his eyes. He is the type of person to not express his feelings that much, if it is something that is negative or might make me feel guilty. I realized then just how much the things I did were really ugly and painful, not only to me but to others just as much.

  I almost had nothing, and I knew that my issues were only going to kill me in the end so I had to get better. It was either Life or Death, and obviously death wasn’t it. It took me one long year to get a good grasp on things. Some days, I’ll still feel bad, but I came to accept that that’s okay as long as I feel better soon. I can finally eat and not be worried, and now, I actually feel like I can do things for myself such as sign up for lessons, go get my ears pierced, or whatever else I feel like because I don’t feel so unworthy anymore. I can go out and do things and enjoy it because I feel like I deserve to enjoy things whereas before, I thought I deserved nothing at all and did just that: sit in my house alone.

  Things won’t be easy, of course, but it is doable. You are a strong individual, and if you had such determination to continue with an illness like an ED, you can put that towards recovery. You must have a reason that you chose to recover, so think of that whenever you’re struggling. There is always a brighter place, xx.

• 245 Rochelle // Feb 16, 2010 at 11:39 am

  Thanks Nature! I took a step today, bigger than what I thought. I had a handful of cereal for breakfast today, a lettuce salad for lunch, and a jello. I know that that must sound crazy and nothing for someone else to eat, but considering that I was waiting until night time to eat because I didn’t trust myself…..I feel good about that. Now I just need to increase calories. I don’t want to count, but if I have to, I like knowing that if you are just laying all day that you need at least 1500. Its a goal. I am a ways from it, but it is a goal I want to meet. I would love to have a baby and with everyone around me being pregnant and my husband saying for the first time today that he is sad about it hurts me more. He never mentioned that he wanted it so badly and that he was ready. It was always if it happens, it happens. Now that I know that he wants it, I want to push myself more. Today is a new beginning. I know I won’t change overnight, but I keep making steps.

• 246 Nature // Feb 16, 2010 at 8:23 pm

  Rochelle, you are doing super well! It is a BIG step for you to have breakfast AND lunch. Good job on beating your ED today, . You are doing so well.

  One of the reasons I wanted to get better was because I wanted to have kids in the future as well. I know it’s going to take a lot of emotional and mental strength to do that as well as being healthy physically, so I am working towards feeling good about myself for that is one of the hardest things for me.

  What is your support system like? Do you get support from therapists/doctors, husband, family, and/or friends?? I know sometimes we may feel like being a bother for leaning on others, but it is good to have people in your life that you can count on at times when you’re feeling stuck. Some people are really amazing and there for you. You’re doing really marvelous, though. I’m so happy for you, .

• 247 carrie // Feb 20, 2010 at 9:27 pm

  Hi everyone, I know I’ve already left this post on the “anorexia talk- for people recovering from anorexia(2)” wall, and I don’t mean to be annoying by reposting it. I just know that different people write on each of the walls, and I am trying to get advice from as many people as I can get. Thank you for listening!

  I’m a 17 year old girl who is recovering from anorexia. Im going to keep this post short and not so sweet so i dont lose you all. I just want to share the basic gist of my story. Ive had some difficult times. In eighth grade, I became depressed. I had always been popular in school, but all of a sudden girls were turning on me just because i was standing up for someone they were making fun of. These girls who i had previously thought were my friends turned on me, and started threatening me over email and IM, where they knew i couldnt do anything. They would insult me, call me ugly, and call me fake when all i was trying to do was be the mediator in the situation. you all might be thinking, yeah thats a good cover story, but its so true. Ive been a Christian my whole life and i come from religious parents. Ive been taught that no one deserves to be treated that way. The experience scarred me.
  When i went to high school, I didnt want friends. I didnt trust anyone. I had been stabbed in the back too many times and I felt completely worthless. From the outside, I was friends with many people, but on the inside I was the shell of a person. I would move through my day, on auto pilot, go home, do my homework, and sob myself to sleep in my room, where no one would get to me. I didnt talk to my family. Id didnt want to hang out with friends. I just kept to myself because I felt like everyone was going to betray me. At school, I was this bubby vivacious person who knew everyone. I was acting everyday. I was never myself, I played a role, and Ive never been so exhausted in my life. I remember going home and sobbing on my bedroom floor. I felt like I was dead, in a living person’s body. I was completely and utterly suicidal.
  Thats when i became anorexic. I would fast all day and then eat one meal a day. I felt like the only thing i had in this world was my body, and I had to shape it to be this perfect thing, because i was no longer perfect on the inside. My sophmore year of high school, I changed schools and made the cheerleading squad. I was finally getting my life together. I was a flyer, and i felt like my bases could detect if i gained even a quarter of a pound.
  My anorexia got really bad in the spring of my sophmore year. I was on a strict diet plan, and was constantly testing my willpower. I cut out sugar, dairy, and carbohydrates out of my diet. I memorized calorie amounts and tables and could look at a plate and tell you the amount of calories in a dish. I consumed between 600 and 900 calories every day, although I aimed for less. If i consumed 1200 calories in a day, i flipped out. I would do sit ups constantly and cry myself to sleep.
  My period stopped for four months, and I was actually happy about that. It meant that I was consuming so few calories that i was unhealthy, and that gave me a sense of accomplishment. I was extremely bony, and now that i look at the pictures, I was disgusting. But back then, I thought i was the most beautiful person ever. I had never been pretty, so this made me happy. when i would look in the mirror, i always saw a spot i needed to fix. I was literally striving for a perfect body. My parents confronted me, but I shut them out. I would have seizures in class because i would go more than 24 hours without eating. At my lowest point, I was 16 years old, 5 foot 2 inches, and 87 pounds and I loved it.
  In the beginning of my Junior year, I started binging. I binged and binged, and i felt disgusting. I gained 15 pounds and i couldnt lose the weight. after seeing that i wouldnt become obese when i ate more of the foods i had exiled, i began to eat normally again. this is how i overcame my anorexia.
  of course, because my body is messed up, i still tend to binge on sugary and high fat foods a lot. I still struggle with that. I feel out of control and I take laxitives to get this out of my system. I dont want to be that girl anymore. I want to be normal. So im striving to eat a 1500-1800 calorie diet per day, WITHOUT taking laxitives. pray for me <3

• 248 Chrisy // Feb 21, 2010 at 10:45 am

  Hey guys. I’m not doing so well lately. I’ve lost two pounds in the past week and if I lose two more I have to go back to therapy. I’m still trying to fight but it doesn’t seem to be getting far. It’s going back to me thinking I ate a lot but everyone else sees that I really didn’t. My boyfriend is terrified. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel hungry and I have no desire to eat. I try to eat but when you don’t want food and you’re not even hungry it’s really hard to do. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I almost want to stop going to my weekly doctors appointments just so I don’t have to go back to therapy. I’m scared. I really am. And I hate seeing how worried my boyfriend is. I don’t want to put him through this. And I’m trying to get better. But it’s just not working. I don’t know what to do.
  Thanks for reading.
  -Chrisy

• 249 jilly // Feb 21, 2010 at 3:26 pm

  hello girls! i love having you guys as support because all of your posts sound so familiar, like its my own situation!!! so, right now, since i go to an after school outpatient program, i am monitured verrry carefully. i havnt been eating my planned snacks: ive been being sneaky with my parents. ive been dumping out my supplement drinks and filling it with water. im so bad and but i cant take all the food because i have to eat so much. WHAT DO I DO?!?!

  also, my big problem: i truly do not want this eating disorder, and i want to eat now…buttt i cant accept my “goal weight”. i just want to maintain this weight that i have, but i dont know what to tell my treatment team. i have gained 7 pounds from my low weight and i feel like i want to stay at this weight so badly.

• 250 carrie // Feb 21, 2010 at 4:57 pm

  Jilly-
  I felt the exact same way when I was recovering from anorexia. I didn’t want to gain any weight. I thought I looked great and skinny, and I didn’t want to lose my control over my body. I had worked so hard for that low weight that so many people wanted and I didn’t want to give it up. But, as part of my recovery, I gained 15 pounds. I still gain a few pounds here and there. I was so upset when I first gained all the weight. All I wanted to do was lose it, and I thought I looked fat and disgusting. Because I had gotten used to my new diet, I couldn’t lose the weight. Finally I accepted the way I look, although it was really hard. I really like that i have boobs and a butt now instead of the body of a 12 year old haha, but it took recovery to get me to see that. Before I looked great, when really I just looked malnourished. I’ve actually grown to like my new curves, but I’m still not comfortable with the number on the scale. That’s going to take some getting used to. I still think my stomach looks a little fat, I won’t get used to the extra couple inches on my stomach. It still upsets me. But the reason I tell you this is because I want you to know that I understand you and I know what you feel like. The only advice I can give you is to follow your treatment program and not weigh yourself. Your target weight won’t be the weight you have for the rest of your life, it can change. I wouldn’t worry about any of this, but just focus on you, being healthy, and getting better. Good luck! You’re almost through the hardest part.

• 251 Abbey // Feb 21, 2010 at 8:58 pm

  So many posts since I was last on!!

  Yesterday I had a joint birthday celebration with some friends. Normally i would make up some excuse to eat something else or eat before but I had I had pizza, popcorn and cake throughout the course of the night. This morning I didnt feel great about it but on the other hand Im proud of myself to think how far I have come since my last birthday. I think ive had it with always making excuses in order to aviod certain outings with friends or to avoid having to eat certain things.

  Hows everyone doing? Jilly it’s great to see your posts again.

  Take care xo

• 252 Nature // Feb 21, 2010 at 11:01 pm

  Chrisy, you have come so far, do not go back. You know anorexia is only going to bring death to you. You have a wonderful boyfriend. Can you/do you go to him for support? My boyfriend supports me a lot, and he makes me feel better all the time. Just him listening to me makes me feel better if he doesn’t understand/don’t know what to say.

  What do you want to do in your future? Do you want to have a healthy relationship with yourself *and* other people? An ED will not let you do this. There is so much in store for you in life. Do not let an ED rob it from you. You deserve it so, so much.

  Jilly, being healthy and recovering from your eating disorder is having a healthy relationship with food AND yourself. It is difficult, I know, but it is doable.

  I gained about 15 pounds, too, in my recovery, and yes, I do not like my tummy, but you know what? I like Life. I want to live, I don’t want to die. There’s so much in store for me, and I’ll only get this once so I’m going to enjoy a long life, if I do live that many years. I have to do the most I can, and I want to. I want to go travel around the world, I want to go sky diving and bungee jumping. I want to go swim under the ocean and see all the marine life. I want to grow up, marry, and have kids. I want to be a mom and give them the best I can because I know from experience how awful it is to not have a mom. What do you want to do? Anorexia will kill you only and rob you of all your dreams. Stay strong, xo.

• 253 Kayla // Feb 22, 2010 at 8:52 am

  I’ve gained nearly 15 pounds too! And I hate my stomach ! Aha ! I guess we’re on the same wave length!!

  xxx

• 254 Rochelle // Feb 22, 2010 at 8:52 am

  Hi Nature. Can I ask how old you are?

• 255 Nature // Feb 22, 2010 at 11:08 am

  Kayla, I felt so alone in my stomach poofiness! My weight has stabilized, and so has my stomach it seems… I WANT IT TO GO! Aha, would be nice if it went towards my legs.

  Sure Rochelle, I’m turning 17 this year.

• 256 Chrisy // Feb 22, 2010 at 7:13 pm

  Nature-
  I always go to my boyfriend for support. He is absolutely amazing and so easy to talk to… but I don’t think he fully understands how hard it is. It’s just eating, just food, and a few pounds, and a few words like “beautiful” should make everything okay. I don’t know how to explain to him. It’s just good to see how much he cares though. And he does try. I don’t hold the faults against him because I don’t expect him to understand. He is a little over weight and it all probably just seems simple. Just eat. Easy solution, right? And when I do start eating he thinks it’s all okay. But that doesn’t mean anything at all. And thank you so much for your encouragement. You’re always here for me and that means a lot.

• 257 Rochelle // Feb 23, 2010 at 11:12 am

  You are much wiser than your years Nature.

• 258 Kayla // Feb 23, 2010 at 12:37 pm

  Sorry I said I’ve gained nearly 15 pounds! But I just realised I meant KILO !
  I’ve actually gained about 31 POUNDS ! OMG !!!
  xx

• 259 Nature // Feb 23, 2010 at 2:08 pm

  Oh my goodness, I thought I sent a post here.

  Chrisy, as you said, he is there to listen, and that is very wonderful. My boyfriend and I share everything as well, and the first time I told him of my problems was when I was 13 or 14. At first he could only say “okay” or “all right” because he had no idea what it was like, but then he asked questions as well. I tried to explain clearly. Of course I didn’t say everything all at once. I wasn’t comfortable with it.

  What helped him understand more was me telling him how it started and why it continued. That way, he saw why I did it and why I continued it. Of course you don’t have to do it all at once. We shared bits and pieces over three years, and I must say, he understands a lot now. More than any of my family members.

  Rochelle, sometimes I wish I was younger in the mind than my age. I don’t know why I’m this way, but sometimes I find it very uncomfortable and unpleasant.

  Kayla, take a deep breath. You are LIVING now and NOT dying. So congratulate yourself on surviving through this awful illness!!! It might seem scary, but you are at a healthy weight now, yes? You are NOT fat. The numbers do not matter. You are more than a number.

• 260 Kayla // Feb 24, 2010 at 9:45 am

  Yeah, I’m at a BMI – 18/19. I know! STUPID NUMBERS!
  Ironically, I never used to bother about the numbers until I began to see a doctor and get weighed. I always just judged my weight loss by my image. I didn’t even own a scale aha! Although, after being told to gain weight I got one so that I could make sure I was gaining. Although deep down I was making sure I was losing! But I’m over all that now!! Thank God! .. Babbling again aha !

  Nature, I cant believe your only 16. You’ve been through a lot. xxx

• 261 Nature // Feb 24, 2010 at 1:23 pm

  Hey Kayla, I’ve never owned a scale either until just recently. Sometimes I feel like I’ve gained a lot of weight because I’m just sitting and doing nothing most of the time so in a way, it is reassuring for me to see that I haven’t really gone up, although I must admit, I do feel thrilled if my weight fluctuates down a few pounds! BUT, I am strong enough to not have it as a means of control anymore, so it doesn’t make me crash into dieting/starving anymore.

  You are doing a really good job! I remember when my BMI was in the 18 zone. I still had a few pounds to go until I was at my healthy weight. I think my BMI is 19-20, and that seems to be a healthy place for my body since I’ve got my period back and have had it for half a year each month now, .

  And yeah, I guess I have been through a lot. Before I wished I could be younger since I felt robbed of my childhood, but now I can’t wait to grow up, aha! I want to finish school and go into nursing or social work, .

• 262 Clemmie // Feb 24, 2010 at 4:13 pm

  Hi everyone, i havnt posted for ages!!! Im finding it so so hard at the moment to keep myself on track. I have put on 4 pounds and it is really getting me down, i really want to get better but i also am so much happier when i am thin. I hate how much this thing controls me and everytime i try to fight it as soon as I put on weight i just feel like giving up. I have got to the stage where i am so so worried about putting on weight that i am slipping back into starving again.I just dont know what to do.

• 263 Nature // Feb 24, 2010 at 11:08 pm

  Clemmie, take a deep breath. You know that you are on the right track. Anorexia will only kill you in the end.

  I know we feel good when we lose weight or we feel thin, but that is artificial. There are sooo many consequences with anorexia. It will rob you of everything. I’m sure you know this.

  Give yourself a pat on the back! You’re doing great. You’re taking steps towards living happily, not dying miserably. Please do not give up.

• 264 Kayla // Feb 25, 2010 at 3:55 am

  Clemmie, as nature said, anorexia gives you a FALSE sense of happiness. I suppose you could compare it to any other addiction. If you take drugs or drink alcohol for example, it gives you a quick fix for a short time, but only leaves you feeling 10 times worse when the feeling fades. And you believe the only way too feel better is to take more(eat less), but then you get used to it and you need more and more (or lose more and more weight). Eventually it no longer makes you feel good but you cannot stop. And it will eventually kill you.

  The only way to find TRUE happiness, is to recover. Although in a sense anorexia is probably more difficult to fight than another addiction. Because an alcoholic would just avoid drink completly! But food and eating is something we all have to deal with every day! But it is possible! You can do it xx

• 265 Hannah // Feb 27, 2010 at 3:03 pm

  I have reently told a teacher I think I have a problem, I am 16 5″5 and 114 lbs I’m no thin, and I do by have the will power to do anything, I managed to go a couple of months with out my head of year telling my parents, and I ahte that my mum keeps going on to me thinking she knows what’s best for me, I don’t know if I am speaking to the right people here. But i have a meeting with the school nurse on Wednesday, I am scared he is going to say the things I do not want to hear. My mum keeps telling me I am never going to be able to do what I want, because I have not the energy to study. I don’t want to gain weight I get so jelous of people who are thinner than me and I HATE people telling me that I am skinny as I can’t see that. I’m sorry if I don’t belong in the chat but I ahd to get that out x

• 266 Nature // Feb 28, 2010 at 2:36 pm

  Hannah, you are very welcome here. I’m sorry for the late response, I wasn’t much on the computer this weekend.

  You know, when people think they have a problem, they usually do. Now that’s not a bad thing, it just means that there are things you need to improve on to make yourself happier. I have lots of problems, too, and eating was and sometimes still is a problem for me.

  You are a growing young girl, and you need lots of food to keep healthy. An eating disorder will only kill you in the end.

  What do you want to do in the future? Do you think it’s possible for you to do those things if you’re sick and unhealthy? An eating disorder IS an illness. It will make you very sick if you don’t get the treatment for it (food and lots of emotional support from the people you care about).

  Take good care, and hop on by whenever, okay?

  Love,

  Nature.

• 267 Abbey // Mar 1, 2010 at 6:08 pm

  Hey, how is everyone doing?

  Today hasnt been a good day for me. . My mom told me that my family is booking a trip to mexico for next christmas to the exact same place that I started to seriously restrict. I have such bad memories of the hotel and trip that even though it is a ways a way I dont think i want to go. Just thinking about the place and my past experience makes me want to restrict. I was also weighed today and my weight keeps going up even though im no longer trying to gain weight. Im having my family birthday dinner on thurs. and I want to have my own cake and enjoy my dinner but im really scared. This is bizarre because ive been doing really well and Ive been eating dessert without ridiculous amount of worry for a while now. Any advice?

  abbey

• 268 jordy // Mar 1, 2010 at 11:16 pm

  Hi Abbey,

  I feel the same way…pretty much about everything going on right now. I keep gaining weight too, and I don’t have to. (I’m assuming my body is adjusting itself to where it wants to be, but I don’t like it very much.) I’ve been working out regularly, but not at all excessively. I’ve been doing pretty well too, up until the past few days. I guess I’m trying to hold onto the idea that, while it is difficult to gain weight, and I’m not happy about it, I was MUCH MUCH more depressed when I was restricting and not able to exercise/go out and have fun/eat yummy food. It’s taken a while, but I think it will continue to get easier, and eventually our weights will work themselves out. (I’m hoping, and holding out for this to happen…I think it will

  Family dinners, especially holidays/birthdays/etc., have always been hard for me. While my immediate family consists of five people, my extended family includes over 30 of us, most of whom know about my eating disorder. I am currently doing “well”, but I still get weird/suspicious/unsure looks from family members and always have some anxiety about going over for dinner and dessert. Now I’m in enough control that it’s easier if I try not to think about the food portion. If you can, try to enjoy dinner and dessert. Try to focus on the conversation and the people, and just eat as much as you feel comfortable with.

  As far as Mexico goes, I’m not sure what to say. My family has a house in Carmel, CA, and the last time I was there (after Thanksgiving ‘09), I was severely restricting, depressed, and contemplating suicide. The thought of going back to the beach, or ocean, or Carmel, or the house absolutely terrifies me. I haven’t been confronted with the situation yet, but I know I eventually will. Have you tried talking to your family, and letting them know how you feel? Even if they can’t change the plans, could they possibly offer support?

  I have a very big problem with associating things with my ED (certain food, places, people, habits), and it causes me to live in the past more than I necessarily want. Maybe try taking a few deep breaths, and reminding yourself that you are in a different place in your life. I think acknowledging that the last time you went to Mexico, it was bad, but it doesn’t have to be this time around. I haven’t tried this for Carmel because I haven’t had the need to, but it is what I’d try.

  If this sparks any ideas, please let me know, too! I’ll need to use them at one point or another. If you want, let us know how your birthday goes, or if we can offer any more support. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping for the best

  ~jordy

• 269 Nature // Mar 2, 2010 at 2:55 am

  Hey girls, . Nice to hear from everyone again!

  I totally understand associating things with your past ED experiences and all… I get the same way with other things in my life, too. For instance, when I hear some certain people’s names… I cringe. When I come close to certain dates like birthdays, it reminds me of how I restricted all day to just have the dinner and no dessert, etc. etc. One time at work, I saw this container labeled “blades” with razor blades inside them, and it spiraled me into an anxiety attack because I am still not too good with the self harm issues I have even though I have stopped.

  And yes, things that remind me of the past gets me feeling depressed again. It really is hard, . I just noticed recently that if I am really stressed, I don’t feel hungry at all and subconsciously decide to not eat because I have no appetite and don’t feel like it due to stress. The past few days I probably only had a few hundred calories, and that is TOTALLY not like me because I have been eating a healthy amount every single day for a long, long time. I really have to watch myself, but making myself eat when I’m stressed is proving to be a battle, and when your body is deprived of food, anorexic thinking comes into play to make it even more complex, . This really is a long battle, sigh.

  But you know what? I think us three are all pretty much in the same boat. We’re ALIVE now and living, and yes, sometimes it’s uncomfortable to think about our weights and the past, but like Jordy said, we’re in a better place now. We’re happier than before, and that’s more important, right? We don’t want to be depressed every day, and I like Life now. Don’t you? So let’s try our best to nourish our special, unique bodies, and give them the best that we can offer, . Life’s too short to be counting calories!

• 270 Rochelle // Mar 3, 2010 at 7:26 am

  I want to get out of my rut. I eat the same things every single day. That is okay with me. What I want to do is add to it. I know, add a little each day. I am having a hard time doing that. I keep counting and I know that just sitting still you need 1500, but I can’t seem to get myself over this hurdle. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

• 271 Nature // Mar 4, 2010 at 8:01 pm

  Hey Rochelle,

  Just try your best not to count. I know this is hard. I still have a hard time eating when I am very stressed, too.

  Just take food as food. It has lots of lovely nutrients, and it will nourish your body and fuel you. One of the other ladies in the other pages, Tracie, said think of our bodies like a car. The car needs fuel to run. We need food to function.

• 272 aliyah // Mar 6, 2010 at 3:10 am

  rochelle- hi there im aliyah. i agree with nature, try ur best not to count, anduno buy foods with no cal info on it, it actually helps but dont restrict later.
  try adding in a wee extra thing here and there so if u have a snack before u go to bed, add something like a banana or a cookie, and add a few small thing at ur own pace and it will help.
  but also write a list of the foods u want to try and as u try them tick it off. it will make u feel better, and make u feel like ur acomploshing something!

  stay strong, and never deprive urself ok hun? a starved mind is going to think about food more. and anything less than 1800 is not enough, so try to build it up.

• 273 aliyah // Mar 6, 2010 at 3:10 am

  rochelle- hi there im aliyah. i agree with nature, try ur best not to count, anduno buy foods with no cal info on it, it actually helps but dont restrict later.
  try adding in a wee extra thing here and there so if u have a snack before u go to bed, add something like a banana or a cookie, and add a few small thing at ur own pace and it will help.
  but also write a list of the foods u want to try and as u try them tick it off. it will make u feel better, and make u feel like ur acomploshing something!

  stay strong, and never deprive urself ok hun? a starved mind is going to think about food more. and anything less than 1800 is not enough, so try to build it up.

• 274 Rochelle // Mar 6, 2010 at 9:53 am

  Hi Aliyah,

  Thank you for your support. 1800 is a long ways to go. I am trying all that I can to not think about the “lunch” that I am having during the day. I am proud of that accomplishment, just giving in and eating something during the day. Yesterday I actually had something when I was hungry and did try to wait all day before I had something. And you know what, I was okay. I have a hard time not counting calories and I know the target amount that I allow myself. When I don’t meet that, I know that I have to have something to go over that. Sometimes when I feel that way, I still end up going overboard. I guess that is okay though. I still wish I didn’t have this disorder and things would go back to the way that they were. I have isolated myself for too long now. Here’s to a new day and a happy tomorrow. ….1800 here I come.

• 275 Chrisy // Mar 6, 2010 at 12:20 pm

  I just have a question… a lot of people blame the media for so many people having eating disorders… but I’ve never been one to pay attention to who weighs what, what celebrity has lost, what celebrity has gained. I couldn’t even name most celebrity’s. I was just wondering what you guys think. Has the media affected you?

• 276 Nature // Mar 6, 2010 at 12:34 pm

  I have no idea. Society tends to blame everything on the media! Like kids becoming gangsters, criminals, eating disorders, etc. I know that lots of celebrities are feeling pressured to be thin to fit the “celebrity figure” and have eating disorders themselves, but I think that’s more to do with them not feeling adequate/enough and beautiful since maybe they think that all their celebrity accomplices are? I don’t know what goes through their heads, but I’m pretty sure it’s pressure and fitting in to that image.

  For the rest of the others, though, I think there are some people who feel pressured to fit into what society thinks “beautiful”, which is, of course, being thin.

  I can only speak for myself, though. I got an ED because my mother called me fat at 105lbs and 5′3″ when I was 14, and since I already lost her to her depression, a thought ran through my head. “Maybe if I was just skinny, she’d come back into my life.”

• 277 Chrisy // Mar 11, 2010 at 1:32 pm

  Wow it’s been quiet here. I haven’t been around in a while. I was doing okay. My weight seems to have leveled off at a decently “low” number. Low enough for me not to freak, high enough to keep the doctor happy on my bi-weekly visits. But I’m not okay. I’m not happy eating anymore. I want to starve but I can’t. And I want to make myself sick and get rid of it but I shouldn’t. I’m going crazy. I don’t even want to be posting here but some small part of me just knows that it’s not what I really want, it’s just the disorder. So I’m going to cling to this last thread of hope. How can a website keep me held together?

  How do you know when you’re “ready” to recover? It’s not supposed to be something you rush into. I want to lose weight! But if I lose two pounds I’m back in therapy. I’m going crazy.

• 278 megan // Mar 11, 2010 at 5:47 pm

  Chrisy- I am having trouble with that too. I am in treatment but I don’t know if I am ready to recover… and I am tired of wearing the “I want recovery mask.” I am sorry I don’t have anything too positive to say and I am sorry you are struggling but I guess it is nice to know someone is thinking the same thing.

• 279 Abbey // Mar 12, 2010 at 12:41 pm

  I can relate to having no positive feelings towards recovery.

  Chrisy, I know gaining weight to where you are considered in your normal range is terrifying. The thing is holding on to your ed only makes it harder to let go. I am now in the low end of my weight range and for the longest time i was stuck at a point that wasn’t life threatening but at a point where my body wanted more food and where I wasn’t going to get my period. Being at a healthy weight is so important for your body’s functions. The more that you diet or lose then gain the more you are confusing your metabolism which in the long run makes it a lot harder maintain a healthy weight later in life.

  I just got back from a vacation to my grandparents. My grandparents have a huge problem with food. ALthough my grandma functions and has always been so good to her family(apart from her food comments) I would say she has an ed. Throughout the week I watched her eat her routine meals(none of which could be called meals) as I ate my in comparison massive meals. I really surprised myself at how well I did. Maybe it was because when Im 77 I don’t want to say after a really nice dinner “we don’t go to places like that because we don’t really like food.” Every day I woke up feeling like I had gained 5 pounds but I know that my ed is just trying to trick me.

  hope everyone is doing well xxo

• 280 Nature // Mar 12, 2010 at 11:47 pm

  Oh gosh, I relate to everything so much. Some days I feel like I eat because I have no choice, and it’s not that I’m trying to “get better”, it’s just I have no choice.

  It’s been a year in recovery for me, for everything really… my depression, self harm, ED, and all that jazz, and I look back to all I’ve gone through and realize that I haven’t learned as much as I would have expected. Every day is so different, sometimes I’m good, on others not so well… I wonder how I’m going to get through another year like this!

  Sometimes when I think I’m ready, I go a few steps forward and realize that I’m not comfortable at all with it. But that doesn’t really matter in my opinion. If you bother over the fact that you FEEL that you’re uncomfortable with moving forward, you will never get anywhere, more than likely only backwards. What you feel is not always accurate, especially when we have such distorted views toward ourselves, food, and recovery.

  The facts are obvious. Continuation of ED = death. I know it seems really blunt, but that is how it really is. Even if you don’t feel like moving forward, but you make yourself, you will start realizing that life can be better and there is so much more than just food. I was always afraid to let go of my issues because I didn’t know who I was without them. I’m still learning about myself.

  We all have those really bad days, but life can get better. I am finally starting to feel better and well emotionally, and that is a big thing for me. I haven’t felt this much peace in so many years. I want to live now. I don’t want to die anymore, which I chose foolishly a year ago.

• 281 Mara // Mar 14, 2010 at 12:37 am

  I’m 15 and have been struggling with anorexia since I had serious hip surgery about 6 months ago. My therapist has helped me accept that I do have a problem, and recently I’ve made huge recovery gains. But I feel like my anorexia is just turning into some other disorder. I’m gaining weight wayyy too fast and unhealthily through binging. I’ve gone from strict restricted eating to suddenly haveing zero control. I don’t know what to do with this new hunger, and so I just eat and eat and eat junk food. I’m constantly bloated and sluggish now. Nobody will help me because they are so thrilled i’m finally gaining weight. Nobody understands how much more depressed this uncontrolable bingeing makes me. On the anorexia talk I read of some other women who also found the delight of finally allowing themselves to eat just too much to handle. I’m afraid of relapsing now. Why can’t I control my eating at all anymore when just last month I had no need for food? Help me please.

  BTW i’m 5′9″ my lowest weight was 108, now i’m almost 120. But i’ve gained almost 5 lbs just in the last 5 days from bingeing.

• 282 hayley // Mar 14, 2010 at 7:29 am

  hey girls, im 18, a freshman in college, and having been dealing with disordered eating since middle of junior year in HS. I think it started when my horse got injured-kind of a long story i’ll tell it if anyone is really interested. Anyway, it actually started when I wanted to run faster my senior year on the cross country team, so I got a personal coach and started “eating healthy”. I was fine (or so I thought) until i saw the scale before senior year. I was a whale at 114 and 5′3″ but i had boobs and guys really noticed me. Well i dropped down to 108 that fall, and I was happy there, but then I had several bad horse shows that november and by christmas I was down to 103. i didn’t really realize the grip or “slippery slope”, as its sometimes called, that I was on.
  Well my family and I went to paris that christmas, and I had chocolate croissants! boy were they delicious, but as soon as we returned home I weighed myself. I was overjoyed to see I hadn’t put on any weight. i was doing well for the next 2 months, I exercised regularly and maintained a 103-105 healthy range. But as graduation approached, things fell apart. I had a falling out with one of my best guy friends and did some really embarrassing things at a party which caused a lot of my friends to be disgusted in me. by graduation that may, I was 100, my dress barely fit because we had gotten it measured 2 months earlier. By that time, my eating was so disordered, I counted calories obsessively staying around 1500 even though I would ride horses AND run and do weights or kickboxing. but, i still had much of girlish figure and 100 isn’t too light. I still ate.
  I have never been one of those girls to go days without eating and then only eat like a few grapes. But knowing when and where and what I am going to eat occupies most of my thoughts. I look up the calories at restaurants and the food I eat. That summer or last summer i guess, I saw a therapist and it kind of helped, but in reality I was still my stubborn, perfectionist self when I went off to college.
  Instead of gaining the freshman 15, I have since lost almost 12 pounds. It started within the first month, I saw the scale go below 100 and I got waaaayyy to excited.
  I’m sure most of you know the drill, you get used to seeing a certain number on the scale-a number you know is too low- but you don’t want that number to go up because then you feel as though you have lost control. Being at college actually made it easier to control my food, I don’t like the dorm food it’s awful and having class all day, I only had time for a light lunch and then I would work out and have a light dinner.

  Now i’m at the point where all i do is think about food. either how im going to eat or how i need to stop eating because i’ve gained a pound. I now do this secret almost binge type eating where I take some of my roommate’s chocolate nuts or granola, things I would never buy. I feel like im losing control, i eat because i’m bored or i know i have to, or i binge when im drunk. I hate it, and even though i know i should gain, i dont like it one bit. I love chocolate which is why i won’t even let myself have it because i feel like i’m one of those people who if I have some i need more and can’t stop. I know how you feel Mara.

  I go to the gym everyday for at least an hour of cardio. And sometimes i’ll stay for 2 hours and add weights too, i take the stairs up to my 10th floor dorm and never ever take the bus. The gym has a scale and i weigh myself constantly. however as my own little recovery technique i have stopped doing it everyday and only every 2 or 3 days. It makes me anxious to just leave the gym without knowing where i stand on the scale.

  it doesn’t help that my roommate has recently started exercising and that my best friend is on nutrisystem and has lost 13 pounds. meanwhile, i desperately try and control myself with the peanut butter jar which i so desperately want to inhale the entire thing but i won’t let myself. I stick to lean cuisines for dinner, 1/2 cup of cereal and low cal wheat bread. the peanut butter i have is even half the calories of normal pb. I even go to my cafeteria and demand a mini cup of ice cream-the one for the toppings which they don’t even serve that size.

  I am just afraid that once i open the door to eating for real, i will balloon because i just love food. I mean i really want a hamburger, i really want pizza-i don’t even like cheese! I want to eat the full size ice cream! i used to tell myself once i got down to such and such weight i would go to dairy queen and get a blizzard, but as i am getting lighter that just gets farther away.

  i look at pictures of myself from last summer and even 2 summers ago and i was hot, if i could just snap my fingers and be 100 that’d be great i just can’t watch the numbers go up and i just can’t stop counting. I need help to stop that part and I also need help to retrain my brain to eat and not just inhale m&m’s because i haven’t eaten all day and then feel fat because i let myself go.

  Sorry that was so long, but this was my first time ever writing all that down.

• 283 Kayla // Mar 14, 2010 at 11:11 am

  Hayley! I totally understand you. Like I didn’t starve myself for days, i was just really restrictive and done loadss of exercise. And noone really noticed I was underweight because It came off quite slowly. But then during exam time, with all the stress n stuff it just totally took control. I started eating less and less and becomin more obsessed. I was always noticed more by boys and was a lot more confident when i was heavier, but my obsession grew so much i didnt care about anything. I didn’t care what I was doing to my body, or how frail i looked and felt. Please dont let your obsession take over anymore. Take control now!!

  Luckily I am no longer emaciated and am now at a healthy weight! But, Mara, I feel like you also. I feel like I’ve changed so dramatically and i’m still tryin to decide if its a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve went from having complete control over my food intake and being able to go so long without food. And now I have no control, I just eat anything and then feel really bad afterwards. I hate my body now, even though I’m still probably thinner than what I was before my ED. I think I just got used to having no fat on my body. Now I feel so chunky, But, I have accepted this is how i need to be. My bones suffered quite a bit from my weight loss, so now if the voice trys to tell me i’m too fat blablabla and that a dont need to eat, i just think about my bones and that if I dont give myself energy, they’ll just get thinner.

  We just have to remember the other things in food other than calories. For a start, I sleep so much better now. My skin is smooth again. I can actually watch TV or read or talk to people without spacing out and going into my own world. My body has recovered soo well in the past few months. But I still have to work on the voice that trys to turn me back to my old ways.

  Mara, I know how frustrating it is when people think everythings so great because your eating. But in reality your not happy about it. I still stuggle, but we have to realise that we are not losing control. We are actually gaining control. When you hardly ate, you were not in control! Anorexia was! And I know you feel like you goin the other way. But I suppose thats the hardest part. You just have to learn to listen to your body’s needs. If it wants something then have it. If its full, then stop. You should probably try and eat little but often. Eat smaller meals all through the day and then your probably less likely to binge. When I first started recovery. I binged a few times because a really wanted to get better, but because my body was still so undernourished, when I allowed myself food, my body was just so relieved that I was feeding it it sort of takes control and you cant sstop eating. But as my weight went up it became less of a problem, although I am still terrified that my weight will keep going up.

  We only live once girls. Enjoy food and life. Wish you all the best x

  Sorry I tend to ramble on when I start writing on here.

• 284 hayley // Mar 14, 2010 at 12:58 pm

  Thanks so much Kayla! Its so hard, i binge often too, on nuts and cereal and chocolate. All i want to do is eat the burger and french fries and not worry about it! I don’t want to count anymore. I hate having all my jeans be baggy and how i have to shop in the little girls department.
  I just feel like since i haven’t been listening to my body, i don’t even know how. any tips? I mean i know when im full but i don’t know when to stop. I like my legs right now, they are thin, which is bad to say, I know. But i just want to be me again! Some part of me though likes the attention all of the “you’re too skinny” comments and in a sick way i like seeing my hip bones stick out. But i am smaller now as a freshman in college than i was as a freshman in high school.

  I just don’t want to have to go through that phase where your metabolism has to readjust itself and you gain weight like crazy. I also haven’t had my period since junior year because i stopped taking birth control because it would make me heavy.

  I just want to be happy and healthy but i just keep sliding or beating myself up for eating or not exercising.

  i love this site btw all of you girls are so strong and your posts are really helping, even though i’ve only been here for a day.

  Stay strong!!

• 285 Abbey // Mar 14, 2010 at 7:14 pm

  Hayley, I never went a day without eating yet I lost a large amount of hair, lost my period, became depressed, anxious and anti-social ect.. I think a lot of us are wrapped up around not “truly” having an eating disorder. When in fact our ed is just trying to get us to overlook our incredibly harmful/serious behavior to become more consumed leading us deeper and deeper inevitably to death. I constantly think I should have been 5 pounds lighter before I gained weight back. With many of us being perfectionists I think I was never a good enough anorexic. I am really trying to overcome these false thoughts because the reality is that with anorexia nothing will ever be good enough.

  Try and allow yourself have what you want to have because in my experience if you don’t it will result in overeating it later. I went through a period of time that when I started to reintroduce sweets and forbidden foods into my diet I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I had to decide on the perfect thing to eat. Decisions around food are still over thought for me but by much less.

  It’s really hard when others around you are losing weight or complaining about their weight when you are trying to gain weight. Just think about yourself and what your body so desperately needs. At 5′3 and 114 you were in the lower end of your healthy weight range.

  Has anyone obsessively measured food and overcome it? Also, I have 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. My evening snack is quite large. Sometimes it has more calories than my dinner. I’ve having it this way for almost six months now and I’m worried because it’s becoming a bit of a ritual. I am working on being comfortable about eating it around my family if they are around. Any suggestions?

• 286 hayley // Mar 14, 2010 at 9:29 pm

  Abbey- thank you so much i know that what i am doing to my body is bad for the future. That is actually why i looked for a support sight to supplement my therapy. I feel sometimes like i don’t even want my therapy. But i know its in my best interest.

  abbey as for measuring, I measure my cereal and my milk, and i think its a good habit, but i’ve started to do without exact measurements and eyeballing it. It makes me anxious because I don’t know exactly how much im eating, but I know that the anxiety is normal. Eating around others is always the hardest too. Sometimes, my dad who unbeknownst to him, would ask “you still hungry” as i would take another cookie or look in the fridge for more fruit. I know he was just trying to relate and talk to his only daughter, but it just made me feel bad. I know its hard, but just try listening to your body. Maybe eat a smaller lunch so you’re hungrier at dinner and then you won’t need or want such a big after dinner snack. but don’t worry i’m in the same boat

• 287 Nature // Mar 14, 2010 at 11:30 pm

  Hey girls, it’s really heartwarming to see all you guys supporting each other, and welcome to all the new faces here, .

  My ED was pretty wishy washy as well. I am naturally quite slim, I guess. I was about 105lbs and 5′3″ when I started having disordered eating at the age of 14. I never owned a scale until recently, so I have no idea what my lowest weight was. It probably was in the mid 90’s or so. Now I’m 17 and I weigh about 110-113, and people still tell me I’m slim. I eat anything I want as well, and yes, sometimes I have a whole bag of chips, lol!

  I guess I was just slightly underweight, but I don’t think it matters how much you weigh or how much you eat as an “anorexic”, if you have a problem with food, it is just as emotional as anyone else’s problem with food. It takes a big toll, and you’re hurting, and THAT is what is important, NOT how much you lost or gained or ate or weigh. What’s important is that you’re hurting and you have the right to be healed and recover your life and restore your body.

  I went through lots of different things when I had my ED for two years. I first started out by cutting out fatty food and exercising a lot. But then all my food and drinks became “fat free” or “diet” versions. I then started calorie counting. I measured food a lot as well. I’d only have half a cup of milk at a time, and then I just stopped having milk. I only grabbed a small handful of cereal for breakfast.

  I biked every day to my school, 4 miles in total, did gym, did sit ups and pushups each night, and went running on the weekends. And yeah, my breakfast became no breakfast. I’d bike two miles with nothing in my stomach.

  My weight fluctuated up and down, up and down constantly because there were quite a few times I just had enough and tried to recover… of course they all failed until I sought help and really knew that this was it. The few pounds I gained from my “semi-recoveries” were lost again when I freaked out and thought I ate too much.

  One day I didn’t eat anything at all. One time I tried to make myself vomit, and some came out. I then cried in the shower, shaking.

  I guess what I’m trying to convey with all this babble is that these things are REALLY nasty, and you are SOOO miserable when you’re living with it. Nobody, including yourself, deserves such a thing like this. And yes, sometimes we feel like we do deserve it, but we don’t. There’s so much to life.

• 288 Mara // Mar 14, 2010 at 11:42 pm

  I’m getting so sick of the bloating and rapid weight gain that today I gave into my old ways and probably only consumed 500 cal. The bad thing is I feel so great about it! I want to restrict all week now! I know this is terrible, but I just can’t get a grip on the small healthy meals. Even though I used to have great eating habits years ago, every time I try to eat normally now it turns into a binge. Restricting my food just seems like the only way… and feels so great. We all understand and know how terrible this thinking is. I hate gaining weight.

  The other way I cope, like Hayley, is excessive exercise. I do everything I can to find a trip into the gym. Zoneing out on the eliptical trainer is the most peaceful time in my life now. I feel like it balances me out because it takes away any thought of food, no need to socialize, and reboosts my energy. Lately I put working out above hanging out with my friends or boyfriend.

  So after gaining weight, socializing, and trying to live normally, I still find myself reverting to my old ED ways. I can’t accept that really its only giving me a false happiness.

• 289 Mara // Mar 14, 2010 at 11:47 pm

  Nature, I guess I need advice on how to avoid a bunch of “almost recoveries” like you had? Everyone is so thrilled by my weight gain, and I’m so not.

• 290 hayley // Mar 16, 2010 at 10:53 am

  OMG Mara, that is exactly how i feel. I tried just eating and listening to my cravings but it felt like bingeing. I gained like 3 pounds and i tried to be happy about it because it still puts me about 13 pounds under the healthy weight but it just made me want to exercise and eat less, even more and i did and i felt good about it. AGHHH I mean i know what i should weigh and I know how i should eat, but i just hate bingeing.
  What i did read on this blog Mara is someone suggested making a list of the forbidden foods and trying one each week. I think i might try and do that but im going to start slow, like last week I had a chocolate chip bagel for the first time in almost 2 years! And i think maybe in another week or 2 i’ll be ready to try a smoothie from jamba juice or a piece of the reduced fat coffee cake from starbucks-i know reduced fat, but i figure if i start small, i will be less likely to revert back. But i just don’t know how well that will work, I always tell myself like oh if only eat a certain number of calories i’ll have a full scoop of full fat ice cream, but it actually only makes me want to have a teeny tiny bit of nonfat yogurt.
  I have physical today so we’ll see what the doctor says.
  I know this is redundant and me preaching to the choir, but stay strong! Also one thing my therapist told me was that people like us should feel anxiety when eating stuff out of the norm, don’t know if that helps!

• 291 jilly // Mar 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

  all of your stories are just all too familiar!!! i too started by cutting out fatty foods and sweets and before i knew it i wouldnt touch the healthy granola bars i used to love so much. now ive gained 11 pounds from recovery and im hating every second of it. my parents push me on despite my horrible meltdowns and bad feelings. im dreading my last 10 pounds im supposed to gain, but ill be allowed to exercise a little bit (key word little :[ ) once i gain one more pound. i go to an after school outpatent program with other girls and i hate it and i hate my counselor so much! but i always find you girls to be the best support. in my situation, i feel like people wont let me slip back no matter how much i want to (my parents monitor my every meal even at school). i feel a little bit better i guess i have to admit, but it seems like all at once i look at myself and feel the world crashing down and i want to escape from my skin. i miss my restricting days , but the the truth is i am more in control now than i was before. starving yourself makes you literally crazy in the head and who knows what you will do next to appease the ED. lets stick to recovery

• 292 hayley // Mar 16, 2010 at 4:45 pm

  Jilly i know how you feel, I just went to the doctor and she made me want to restrict and not get help. For a while I was actually ready and eager to get back on track but now she wants to talk to my therapist back home, she wanted to make a special call to my parents. I know i’m at a dangerous place and my low weight and mental/emotional issues are not stable, but i have to go to the doctor every week now and it sucks because now the ED is taking over more parts of my life aghhhh i just want to be able to treat my body right and not have a problem with it!!

• 293 Mara // Mar 16, 2010 at 9:52 pm

  When other people try to get involved with my ED it ALWAYS makes me want to restrict more too! Like doctors, teachers, friends, and especially parents. It just pisses me off… I feel like in their eyes I’m defined only by what I eat. So starving is how I keep defying them I guess. Once my therapist picked up on this she made my parents completely stop getting involved with my food.

  Now I’m trying to focus on just eating for myself instead of for other people. I’m trying to ignore any comment about my body or eating habits, and just remember to eat for myself, not because someone else wants me to. Its hard.

  A great book every woman should read: “Eating in the Light of the Moon” by Anita Johnston.

• 294 Nature // Mar 17, 2010 at 1:25 am

  Hey girls, .

  I got like that a lot when people got involved with my eating.. I was restricting big time when I was hospitalized for a different incident. They kept track of what I ate, but since they weren’t an ED clinic or anything, they didn’t say anything. They tried to keep me hydrated, though.

  I’ve been recovering for a year now, and I am at a better place.

  Mara, it’s so good that you’re able to try and eat for yourself. That is a big step, so give yourself credit for that.

  Jilly and Hayley, I know it’s hard, but the ED will keep robbing and robbing until it claims your life. There is only one way to be free.. and it is to restore your body and pursue happiness. You’re all beautiful… remember that.

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