change therapy

227 responses so far ↓

• 1 Tasha // Jun 14, 2008 at 6:25 am

  Hey,

  Sorry didn’t post earlier, sort of having a couple of bad days. Was so tired after Grad Ball but I restricted at Grad Ball and I felt so guilty so when I came home, I ate cos I knew I needed it but that also meant that I ended up sleeping really late and I still feel so drained.

  I don’t know why I restricted, I just got freaked out by the oil that surrounded the fish and the cream in the soup. So I had two buns and I finished the fish and had some of the asparagus but didn’t eat dessert, soup or the cleanser sorbet thing. And I had a salad for lunch and some cereal for breakfast but I knew I didn’t eat enough and I sort of restricted today as well. I NEED TO STOP THIS cos I know my parents won’t send me to boarding school and that’s so stupid cos it’s SUCH A GOOD OPPORTUNITY.

  Aliyah- You’re such a good role model to me, I feel ashamed that I didn’t eat all the courses at Grad Ball and I’m trying to make sure I eat enough today but I think that you’re doing amazing and you just took a great step forward so you really should be SO SO PROUD OF YOURSELF.

  Saphire- It’s great to hear that you feel better since you’ve been eating more. That’s really motivating me to eat more as well since I want to be on top form for my tennis. But best of luck for your road trip. Have so much fun, enjoy yourself and block out any thoughts about not doing enough exercise. Honestly, since I gave up over exercising, I feel so much better but still quite tired since I’m still restricting.

  Shannon- good luck with the partial hospitalisation. It’s great that you’re taking such a positive and more importantly a big step in recovery so I hope that it goes well and when you feel nervous about the food, just tell yourself, these people are professionals and they have helped many people like us before so you can TRUST them to get you better.

  Rynelle, I hope you dance shows went well and I also hope that your struggle against anorexia will become an easier one. I can’t say much since I’m restricting as well but I find that when I tell myself this, I can usually motivate myself more: Anorexia is just a frame of mind, the only reason why we became this thin is because we had enough discipline and will power to become thin so if we could only use that will power into gaining weight, we would once again return to a normal healthy frame of mind since no one was born with anorexia, it’s just a voice, not a permanent state.

• 2 Aliyah // Jun 14, 2008 at 10:11 am

  sapphire enjoy ur trip! u deserve a truley fun time!
  apart from that, ino whts it like, and its very very very good that u still had cereal, and u felt good about it!
  do uno how amazing that is!!im SO PROUD. really. its soo inspriing. keep it up n ull be cured in no time!

  Tasha- ino u sed u didnt eat every course but uno well done! u stil had some, n u sed u ate all the fish and buns. And ino how tempting it is to restrict after n before, n i did a bit too, but i stopped and sed to myself, u need to get over this.
  so next time u want to restrict say, why shud i not eat well. Think of how a normal person after a big meal would just maybe cmplain a bit, but they wouldnt go restricting. At my prom, a girl ate all her meal, then at the after party she was eating the wee snacks, and having alcohol, and i was inspirsed cause she looked amazing, n she didnt have ‘omg im fat’ on her mind. thats how we want to be, because we ARE NOT FAT!

  shannon- definetly as tasha sed they are experts, we may feel,. we know best cause its our bodies but uno they have dealth with people, who have recovered and know what work.s
  trust them try to enjoy the food, and you’bbe be a healthy and fit person in no time. Im so proud of you for going, its sooo goood WELL DONE

  Ryannele im sure ur dances wen very well. Just reward urself with food please.

• 3 Saphire // Jun 14, 2008 at 3:58 pm

  Hi everyone- Im just checkin in. Im on my holiday right now in a hotel and I just thought Id drop a ‘Hello’ and wish everyone well!

  Im glad you had a great night Tasha! And even tho you didnt have the whole meal- you did have some, so indeed, be proud. You have really come far since you first started posting on here. I think we all inspire each other and encourage each other to continue on our recovery so that is really great!
  Rynelle, I too hope your dance show went well and like Aliyah said- reward your body with food! It needs it!
  Hope everyone is having a wonderful day! Best wishes to everyone! hugs! xx

• 4 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 14, 2008 at 4:40 pm

  hey again guys… i had breakfast AND supper today (not lunch yet…still a big step for me) but thanks for the encouragement :O! I’m in a big pickle! I’m counseling at a Bible camp for 2 weeks…which means I should be leading as a good example to other girls… but how can i do that if i don’t eat? i’ll be so scared to go 2 weeks without a scale, or worrying whats gonna happen if I eat something during snack time… I don’t want the girls to start worrying about their weight just cuz i have issues…but i don’t honestly think i can eat enough to show them what a healthy lifestyle is… what do i do???

• 5 Shannon // Jun 14, 2008 at 9:21 pm

  Hey girls,
  Thanks for all the support and encouragement about my decision to go into the intense treatment program! I’m nervous about it but you’re all right, they are professionals and I trust that they know what they’re doing. I’m nervous but excited all once. I know its going to be hard and I know there will be days I don’t think I can do it but its such a relief to know that I’m going to get this ED under control and out of my life!! I was at the gas station today and the young guy working in it said “man you need to go eat a burger and fries or something, you are so tiny!” i just kind of laughed and told him i was actually on my way to eat dinner (which wasn’t a total lie). I have been restricting quite a bit this week and haven’t felt very good (physically or mentally) from it. His comment made me feel like crap though. My family is having a big pool party cookout for Father’s Day so I’m going to try to use his comment has motivation to just eat WHATEVER i want tomorrow and not think about calories or restricting or measuring/weighing my food at all. I’m just worried that I’ll binge, but I’m going to try so hard!

  Tasha,
  Good job on eating some of the stuff at the meal! Its ok that you didn’t eat it all as long as you tried your hardest! Just tell yourself that you are stronger than the ED and don’t restrict! Keep up the good work!!

  Saphire,
  I hope you have an amazing time on your trip! Keep us posted on the fun things you do and how you’re feeling!

  Silently Awaits,
  I’m glad that you realize that you need to eat around the girls so they don’t start worrying about their weight too. I know it will be hard but just use it as motivation…I wouldn’t wish an ED on even my worst enemy! Even if you don’t eat all of your food try hard to make an effort to eat some of it at least. You’re a strong girl and I know you can do it. Set a good example for those girls and kick anorexias booty!!

  Good luck everyone…and thanks again for the support!

• 6 Saphire // Jun 15, 2008 at 8:14 am

  Hi everyone- okay Im gonna keep you posted on how things are going. Im still in my hotel just waking up right now I’ve been doing alright I suppose. I still have the major pangs of guilt tho when it comes to eating because I still feel like I should be working out but its okay. I should probably be eating more but Im workin on it.

  Silentlyawaits- Im very proud of you for eating breakfast and dinner. That is huge! Good job! And as for your summer camp concern, I would definitely take this as a great measure to kick your ed’s ass. Like you said, you need and you want to set a great example for the other girls. So you need to have strength and energy and positivity radiating from you and in order for this to happen- the only way for this to happen, is if you eat properly. Yes, its going to be a struggle, but you are strong and I believe in you and your strength to fight this. This is a great opportunity for you. You are going to be around other people and having fun and being a role model for other girls! Show them a good time like I know you can!!!!

  And Shannon!!! You’ve got tons of support and encouragment comin from me! Im so proud of you once again for taking a great step in the right direction. You will for sure beat this thing and get it out of your life. And its great you are doing it- no more annoying comments from others!! I remember some guy telling me once- ‘you’ve gotta eat girl’ and ya you laugh it off, but feel like crap about it. I know exactly what you mean. I want to stop the stares and comments and be healthy so people can look at me and think ‘that girl is radiant’ or she looks so alive and happy! That is what I want. And I want to feel this way as well, not the other way in which ana wants me to feel. So way to go Shannon!!

  Hope everyone has a happy and HEALTHY day today. xx

• 7 Aliyah // Jun 15, 2008 at 11:27 am

  hey girlsssss
  Ive had a few days where Ive restricted and my Mum told me today i look painfully thin and tht I Have to gain or she’ll send me to the dcotor agen. I guess all thats been on my mind is lose the weight u gained from the prom meal. Anorexias had a strong hold on me i guess. But im not gonna restrict this week, i promised myself. I wnna gain, and be my healthy weight.

  Sapphire- ino how u must feel, scared but dont be. Im so jealous u on holiday! really, enjoy it, lifes to short to worry about food all the time! Remember this is YOUR holiday, not the EDs so dont let it ruin it ok. keep us posted, enjoy urself, and eat well. Your one of my motivations each day:)

  Silently awaits- WELL DONE on your meals. This is a huge ste[ foward. And how do u feel about it? chuffed, full :). happy? i bet you do, and uno what u deserve it! be proud. Dont wory about the camp, just like Shannon said, use it as a motivation. You can do it, dont weight yourself, you shouldnt, its not a number thats important, its your health. Its your mental health. I used to weigh myself soooo much, and its all I could then think about. Now i hardly do, except when my counceller does, or when i feel i need to, and thats it. Eat well, have energy and strenght, you’ll feel better and set a great example! you can do it! Thehuman mind is powerful, if u are positve about something, and relly want to do it, you will. That applys to all you guys, sapphire I mean on your holiday YOU CAN enjoy it, and not worry about food, cause you dont NEED to.

  Shannon- I know hw hard it is not to restrict, its nearly impossible not to. But just tell yourself constantly, i dont need to restrict. On my prom, i remember both my parents sed i looked sooooooo thin. And i use it as a motivation now to try and gain weight. We want people to say, wow u look great! And once we get to our final weights we will! and we will be healhy happy people, that can go and eat whenever and wherever we want. We have the right too, and we shud not let anorexia take it away! GOOD LUCK. i really hope it all works well for you, ino it wil. Just stick with it, no matter what u feel, cause the end result is priceless

• 8 Aliyah // Jun 15, 2008 at 11:32 am

  I just wnna say another wee thing, and that is we should really feel so lucky to have food,cause all obver the world, people are starving. If they knew there was people likeus, restricing, throwin up, and not eating enough, theyd think we’re abousolutely crazy. Food to us , is scary, but why shud it be. Its somethign we al need, its a ncesseity in life, and we all deserve it, and our bodies. We al deserve to enjoy life, and go out to nice restuarnts, and eat whatever we feel like.
  Im sure in our past we all were like that, before anorexia struk, so think back to that time, cause it relly helps me
  I remember when I used to be the ideal weight for my height, nd I used to like my body, i didnt hate it. nd now im much thinner, I feel fatter. It s just proof anorexia has taken over my thoughts.
  Lets not let an ED destroy our lives and make us feel miserable !

• 9 Aliyah // Jun 15, 2008 at 11:36 am

  shannon - sorry for all the posts. My last one i promise ! About ur pool party, enjoy it! Just put inur plate, a resonable sized meal.Not too big, not too small, and when ur eating, just ask urself honestly, am i still hungry, or I am full?
  and if u eat abit more than usual, so what? u need it, and eating habits vary, we ll have times when we eat too much, its normal, so dont fret about anything and enjoy it!
  x

• 10 Shannon // Jun 15, 2008 at 2:52 pm

  Aliyah,
  Thanks for the encouragement. I didn’t restrict at the pool party (although I didn’t have dessert it was mostly because I was full, not because of the calories in it). I felt guilty for eating so much “unhealthy” food but then I told myself I really need it and ate until I was full and felt good. I’m just kind of worried I’m going to binge later but I’m going to listen to my body and am going to go for a nice walk to keep my mind off food. I’m glad you’re using your parents comments as motivation to gain! I hate it when people tell me how thin I am so just keep up the good work and don’t restrict this week. You’ll feel so much better. And you’re right, we are all lucky that we have enough food to eat and should take full advantage of it! Good luck girl!!!!

• 11 rachael // Jun 15, 2008 at 5:24 pm

  hii everyone i hope your all doing well!

  0my beach trip didnt go soi well, i actually barely ate at all and lost all teh wieght i gained back and even maybe another pound so im like lower then when i satarted and ive been trying to eat more but my acid reflux came back so its too hard to eat without feeling sick so this just sucks. i dont wnt to be this thin or feel like crap all the time i dont know what to do im trying to fix my acid reflux cause its in the waaay

• 12 Tasha // Jun 15, 2008 at 10:16 pm

  Hey guys,

  Rachael- have you tried maybe adding those high calorie/nutrition drinks like Ensure? Or add powdered milk to sauces or milk itself? They’re supposed to help with weight gain initially if you find that you have acid reflux problems.

  Shannon- I really admire how you’ve decided to take such a positive turn in your recovery. I remember it was only a few weeks ago when you decided to go for the Boca burger but look at you now, you ate until you were full at the pool party which is really great. I’m so happy for you, keep it up and you’ll never get another comment about looking too thin.

  Aliyah, just remember that you did eat all your food at prom and that means that you’re definitely stronger than the ED and you can fulfill that promise you made to yourself. Forget about the days when you restricted, you can’t undo that but you can now give your body the nutrition and well medication it needs.

  Saphire- hope your trip is going great and enjoy yourself!

  Silenty Awaits- Firstly, congrats on having two meals, it IS a huge step, you went from one meal to two, you’re doing twice as better now. Maybe it will help being around the other girls because you can see how they eat and how they’re still healthy and you can use that as motivation to eat as well?

  As for me, I’m doing ok, not as well as I’d like. I’m eating a bit more but then I freaked out this morning because I did the stupid thing of weighing myself and yeah. Stupid. Now I’m worried since I’m going to Phuket on Sunday to help the tsunami victims and we’ll have to do quite a lot of manual labour which I’m not even sure I’m strong enough to do. Plus, all our meals are prepackaged so I can’t even choose what I’m going to eat which REALLY SCARES ME. Whenever I went for sports competititons, they used to always give a mayo sandwich and a chocolate bar, things like that which I’m not that comfortable eating 5 days in a row. But I volunteered to help so I have to go, I just don’t know how to cope.

• 13 Aliyah // Jun 16, 2008 at 1:15 am

  Tasha- wow your doing a great job there helping the tsunami victims. But ino how scary the food is, and yeh i wud be scared of not knowing, but uno what, its part of life, we can always predict it, and whatever it is, ur body needs it. As you said your going to be doing lots of manual labour so yur body will need it! Give your body what it needs so you can help these people. Just keep you mind on the amazing job your going to be doing, and how grateful everyone will be to you. Good luck! when is it?

  Rachel- Just as Tasha said, high calorie drinks and stuff is probably the best idea. What is acid relux? And dont worry, just pick ur self and start regaining, we all have times when we lose a bit of weight, but we need to gain it agen !

  Shannon- well done! I am so so proud! You ate well, and thats ok you didnt have desert. This is great, you kicked anorexias bum there didnt you! Im sure it would have made ur parents very happy too, too see you ate well. Keep it up, congrats!

• 14 Tasha // Jun 16, 2008 at 4:44 am

  Hey,

  I’m going on Sunday until Friday and I know that I’ll probably need a lot more food for those days since I”ll be doing a lot of work, I just hope my body can take it. It should be great since it’s by the beach and we get lots of seafood- I love seafood but at the same time, Thai food isn’t exactly the healthiest of foods so I just don’t know what to do. And I’ve also been so used to eaten with my family, I don’t want other people to make comments and stuff.

  How’s your day going though Aliyah?

• 15 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 16, 2008 at 8:38 am

  hey everyone.
  Tasha, remember, if you’re doing all that work, they won’t be feeding you that unhealthy of food because they want you to be your strongest… and remember, anything is healthier than nothing.
  Yesterday was SO hard for me…. for fathers day… in the morning I forgot all what was planned, so I had breakfast…then after church we all had a picnic… and I couldn’t not eat cuz everyone was around and kind of watching me… (my mom told like everyone about my ed)… so then I had to eat…then for supper we went to my grandparents for another barbeque…i was already so full but my mom MADE me eat… I felt so sick after it was disgusting, BUT i made myself not throw up:D..Oh, and at the picnic, they had all these competitions for the teens and little kids like… who could eat the licorice the fastest…but we were on a team so I couldn’t let them down. and like… marshmellow things and jellybean eating stuff… it was so hard but i made sure I just enjoyed it because I never eat that much, and at the end of the day (besides the fact that my stomach was actually bulging) i felt so much better.

• 16 Tasha // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:23 am

  Hey SilentyAwaits- I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. Sorry that was a little too expressive but look at you, you’re doing TONS better. I think it may have appeared to be bulging but it’s just a bloated stomach I think since you probably haven’t had that much to eat. But that’s a really amazing step you took in recovery yesterday. Just keep it up and if you have any guilt feelings, block it out because you deserve the food and nourishment.

  And you’re right, anything IS better than nothing. I’m going to keep that in mind when I’m there.

• 17 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:28 am

  thanks lol. yeah that was harsh though… i don’t think i’ve eaten that much in a couple years… :S but I DID need it and it did feel okay…but yeah, you’ll do great and make sure you have fun while ur helping out, it’ll take your mind off the food

• 18 Shannon // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:51 am

  Father’s Day was really hard for me too!! Like I said, I ate well at the pool party but then when I came home later I felt like I was kind of in binge mode. I had some more fruit and BBQ (no bun though), and some chips and dip, and some pudding (it was sugar free but I did have 2). I was trying so hard to not binge on like the normal “binge foods” like peanut butter and ice cream and cookies and all that stuff. So I guess that was one good thing that I accomplished. And I actually felt hungry when I was eating the stuff so I don’t know if I’m really going to classify this as a binge or just eating NORMAL? My stomach was kind of bloated after I was done but I didn’t purge or anything which is another good thing. I feel really guilty today though and have been restricting quite a bit. I know my body needed all that food yesterday and I know I shouldn’t be restricting today. I go tomorrow for my orientation to the day day treatment program and to meet with the nutritionist and set up my meals for while I’m there.

  Silently Awaits,
  Awesome job girl!!! I have been restricting today because I felt bad for eating so much yesterday and reading your post helped me feel so much better. We do need all that food!!! And there’s nothing wrong with feeling full…its a good thing! I’m so happy you made an effort to NOT throw up! That is so hard when you’re feeling guilty you just want to go ahead and purge but you didn’t and that’s so good!!

  Tasha,
  That’s so nice of you to volunteer to help those victims! Don’t worry about the food. Whatever it is you’ll need it and you’ll be doing a lot of work anyway so you’ll need a lot of extra energy! Just have fun and think of how fortunate you are to get to have that food and aren’t one of the victims left with nothing. I know you’ll do great!!

• 19 Saphire // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:01 am

  Silently Awaits- my gosh, I am also so VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!! That is so amazing! Well done. You know, your body is thanking you like crazy! And the more you fight that other voice and WIN- the faster you will fully beat this disease! So pleez- keep this up hun, your body and your mind deserve it!!!!

  And Tasha- that is wonderful you are helping the Tsunami victims. You are truly making a difference in this world. And yes, it really does not mattter (although I know its easier said than done) what they feed you because like you said you need the strength. And you- remember, we are not like normal ppl yet- we need a LOT more to nourish our starved bodies, you need to eat a ton when you’re over there to give your body the strength it truly needs. And seafood, is in fact incredibly healthy. Seafood has so many vital nutrients and HEALTHY fats that your body really needs. And its so good!!! Enjoy yourself Tasha. You are a wonderful person who is going to be helping the lesser fortunate ppl. You are blessed to be the one helping so help your body aswell. Haha, that didnt make much sense, but you know what I mean

  Aliyah- be strong. You have the willpower and strength to beat this thing. Take control of it and DO NOT let it take control of you. You have been there once and remeber, it was not a nice place. Keep strong and you will win!!!! xxxx best wishes to everyone else!!!
  And Rachael- ya like Aliyah said- try Ensure. That stuff is amazing!!!!

  Oh and as for myself- my trip is going really good. Ive come to grips with not working out and Im just enjoying myself which is nice. Of course, ana creeps into my head a many times but I have to be strong and beat her ass right out of there!!!!

  HUGS everyone!!! Healthy and happy remember!

• 20 Saphire // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:05 am

  Shannon- that was DEFINITELY NOT a binge!!! In fact, that was not even really normal eating! a normal person would have had a LOT more and even then, that wouldnt have even been classed as a binge for a normal person!!! I really hope you enjoyed it though because your body really needs it!! That is great you did not give in to that other voice. You are doing really great. BE PROUD!!!! I am proud of you.

• 21 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:26 am

  hey Shannon! well done!! your body is thanking you for yesterday! but its still hungry today! Try and eat something at least… I know its easy for me to say, but i still only ate grapes since this morning… so i probably shouldnt say anything… its like, i know i should but my ed wont let me ;\ but once im done writing I’m gonna eat something so i can at least practice what i preach…but yeah, try and eat:D
  Saphire, good job:D u dont even need to work out, its probably healthier not to at this point. and well done on just enjoying your trip…eat food and instead of worrying about the cals, think of how good it tastes:D
  Can’t think of anything else to say…adios for a bit!

• 22 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:35 am

  I’m now currently eating a bowl of cereal

• 23 Aliyah // Jun 16, 2008 at 12:22 pm

  silently awaits- look at u! uve come so far already! amazing, i am so so soooo proud!! and cereal, well done! enjoy it all. its sooo good for you, and your body will be happy happy!

  Sapphire- omg, im so happy ur enjoying urself! and coping so so well, its great. See yyou can do it and you are! oh thats sooo good, just keep it up and enjoy urself ok!
  Tasha- at leats its food uenjoy! u sed u like, seafood, so just enjoy it. Your body needs it. keep strong, we all know how hard it is, but you can do it and you will.

  Shannon - liek sapphire said,it most definetly is not bingeing. Its just your body craving and wanting the yummy food that it deserves. well done on not throwin up and bingeing! its great news, you are in control1

  As for me, ive hd a great day. Just had a pancake with my tea there and i enjoyed it soo much.
  i just hope tomorow is as good a day:D I wanna put on weight, and im going to enjoy all the yummy foods i’ll get to eat:D

  x

• 24 Shannon // Jun 16, 2008 at 4:26 pm

  Hey girls,
  Thanks for the encouragement. I’m trying so hard to tell myself not to feel guilty for yesterday because I know my body is really thanking me. I have really wanted to weigh myself today though but I’ve resisted the urge! I also just ate dinner and plan on having a snack later before bed because I know by restricting I’m only letting the ED win.

  Aliyah,
  Congrats on having the pancake and ENJOYING it!!! I love pancakes so much and haven’t had one in such a long time. You are inspiring me and I’m going to have one in the near future! And you’re right, we all KNOW we need to gain weight so instead of dwelling on how much we’re eating or feeling guilty for eating so much we should just get to enjoy the delicious food that we have been restricting for so long! Most people aren’t as “lucky” as us and are trying to lose weight…but we get to gain and eat all the good stuff. So we should all just enjoy it and not even worry about it! I’m glad you brought that up!!

  Saphire,
  Thanks for reassuring me that it wasn’t a binge. It makes me feel a lot better to be told that my thinking is crazy (by you guys because you understand the ED…unlike my parents and friends). I’m so glad you’re having fun on your trip and accepted the no working out thing. You are so strong and I admire you so much!! Keep having a great time girl…you deserve it!

• 25 Jilly // Jun 16, 2008 at 7:01 pm

  Hey guys. Sorry it’s been a while but i’m here now!
  Just a quick one before i run off to bed.
  I understand everyone’s frustrations and feel them all myself. The whole wanting to get better but not wanting to gain weight is the one i am dealing with just now. I am back in FL but getting worse i think. I’m exercising harder than ever and eating less and less every day and i can feel ana getting stronger as i get weaker. I really don’t know how to keep doing this. I have like a good week followed by a really really terrible week and that really annoys me and i do get so frustrated at myself but at the same time i get frustrated when i eat. Tonight i went to burger king, then ran for ages….almost passed out. then when i came back i purged again. I’m just so disappointed in myself and i dont know when this cycle will ever end. But i keep trying to tell myself that i have to get better.

  take care
  xx

• 26 Tasha // Jun 16, 2008 at 8:23 pm

  Hey,

  Oh Jilly, I don’t know what to say. I understand what torture you must be going through but you HAVE to fight this because only you can stop this. I mean we can always go to therapists and hospitals but at the end of the day, if you want to beat this and if you want it to end, it has to come from you. You deserve so much better than this, and we’re all here to support you through this struggle since we’re all going through it ourselves. It’ll be a hard battle but it’s SO WORTH IT. Just think back to the times when food was just food, you deserve a life without this burden to carry, we all do.

  Shannon and SilentlyAwaits- the way both of you ate what you wanted on Father’s day and kept it down is really inspiring and motivating me this week. Shannon, good luck with your orientation and meeting with the nutritionist, hope it goes well.

  Saphire- I’m so happy to hear you’re doing well on your trip. You should be so proud of yourself, you were worried about this before but look at you know, ana is no match for you. Aliyah- well done on the pancake and keeping the promise to yourself this week. All of you guys are such great motivations and inspirations to me so keep it up and I’m sure this nightmare will end soon.

  I’m doing my best not to restrict which I was planning to do since I’m going to Phuket. I’ve done ok so far today, had breakfast and had a starbucks mocha with my dad since he made me- I didn’t want to since I had a big bowl of cereals for breakfast and it’s nearly lunch. Now looking back, that was just stupid since it’s just a cup of mocha. My parents are thinking of sending me to Singapore since there aren’t any therapists in KL and they want me to ’sort myself out’ before I go to boarding school, do you guys find them helpful?

• 27 isabella mori // Jun 16, 2008 at 8:38 pm

  hi everyone, just peeking in for a sec here … (for those of you who don’t know me, i’m the one who started this site)

  honestly, every day i am grateful for all the support you people are giving each other. (let me know if i get too gushy!)

  @jilly, would it be possible for you to focus on what works, and not on what doesn’t? you say you can feel ana getting stronger - but you can still FEEL it! you know what’s going on! if ana had you completely in her grips, you would talk differently …

  and if you have a good week followed by a bad that means you had a good week!!!

  thanks for telling yourself that you need to get better.

  @shannon way to go on not weighing yourself!

  and yay on the cereal, @silentlyawaits!

  okay, that’s it, just wanted to say hello for a moment! take care, beautiful people!

• 28 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 1:48 am

  heeelo lovelies

  Tasha- hey well done on not restricting, its GREAT news. Well done on the mocha too, its just a drink, u deserve to enjoy it! Therapists, yeh i found mine quite helpful at one point, i mean its good to talk to someone, its just like this, but face to face. Definetly give it a try, cause it might be an extra wee motivational push tht u need!

  Jilly- awwww i relly feel for you. I know what its like, u go thru times when u just think whats the point, icant enjoy anything I eat. But uno what, its anorexia trying to fight, and its come and hit u strong. But remind urself, you want rid of this awful disease, its not something u have to have, u need to get rid of it. Try to think of yourself, with no anorexia, enjoying food, social occasions and not having such thoughts, The more u think about it, the easier it wil be to slowly fight off ana. good luck, u are strong and beutiful, and dont deserve ana to ruin ur life, cause thats what it is doing!

  Shannon- well done on not weighingurself. Yesterday I really wanted to, and this morning, and I just told myself, I dont want a number in my head anymore. It always ruins my day so congrats! you are more than a number! Like u said, lets just enjoy our food, like every other person!

  I feel so much better this morning, and I think its cause i ate a bit more yesterday. Today Im going to edinburgh with my dad to visit my aunt, and were going to have lunch at hers, and im a littlee bit worried, but my aunt knows about ana, so I know she wont say anything 2 me like ‘eat more or ‘is that all ur having’. But im going to try and eat a bit more at lunch so i win one over ana!
  Also yesterday I went to the gym, my frend signed me up for a 3 day trial course and it was fun, and i really wanna join. But only under the motivation to tone, and gain more energy, and put on weight! Im a bit unsure about it, because i dont want to become reliant on it, or obsessive, but I do want to be fit.

  anywys hope everyone has an amazing Non restricing day! And btw, none of us have gained weight, we’ve all REGAINED some of what we lost.

  x

• 29 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 1:50 am

  Oh sorry a last wee thing, I find goging out, and looking at other people, you realsie we all have such different body shapes and sizes, and we need to let our bodies naturally be what they are supposed too

• 30 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:06 am

  hey again guys!
  thanks for ur support, yesterday I ate food too:Dbut i can tell today wont be as good i have a doctors appt in an hour and a bit and its a new one so im scared about telling him the news:S but yeah,
  talk to ya later,
  have a good day and eat lots:D

• 31 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:13 am

  goodluck with the doctor! let us knw how it goes. Its a great step in the right direction, be honest and open!

  x

  i ate more at dinner today everyone, n i feel happy

• 32 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:20 am

  good job on the dinner:D what did u have? doesnt it seem like the more you eat, the more you can enjoy it?

• 33 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:22 am

  yeh definetly. i went to teh gym today too, so i guess i was a bit more hungry.

  i had home made curry and rice and a vegetable pakora. yum yum.
  wil have sum fruit or something later, maybe a pancake:D

  hows ur day n eating been?
  i just wanna get better and to do my ideal weight. Im sick of comments and nasty stares.
  x

• 34 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:51 am

  turns out the dr appt. is switched to thursday. my day’s okay so far but havent really eaten much. i know i should but i feel so nasty after eating 2 days of normal food… maybe i’ll eat something, so far ive only eated like a spoonful or two of ice cream…. what should i make/eat?

• 35 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:57 am

  just make something like toast, or have what ur mum made 4 dinenr maybe?
  cereal/
  have something starchy that will give u energy.
  FOOD IS MEDICATION.
  dont deprive ur body of it.

• 36 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 11:08 am

  i guess ill have sum cereal lol.

• 37 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 11:10 am

  aww thats good. well donen enjoy it
  im going to get sumthing to snck on
  whats ur msn agen?i’ll add you.
  mines is alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com

  x

• 38 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 1:15 pm

  mine is at_hawtmayl_dot_com@hotmail.com
  lol i like urs.
  enjoy ur snack

• 39 Shannon // Jun 18, 2008 at 3:58 pm

  i had my orientation for the day treatment yesterday and it went great. i was so excited to start the program on monday but then today they called me and told me that the insurance we (my parents) have wont cover any of the treatment…and it would be over $2000 per day for my parents to pay for. so in other words i cant go into the treatment. im so sad and discouraged. i was so ready to get better. and i had to have lab work done (in order to enter the treatment) and that all came back abnormal which is just more bad news.

• 40 Aliyah // Jun 19, 2008 at 1:35 am

  aww shannon thats such a shame
  butuno u sed u are ready to get better, so u will!
  is there anyother treatment places u can enter?

  ive had a hard two days, ive been to the gym, butnot eating to make up for it. so no more gym for me.
  xxx

• 41 Jessica Setnick // Jun 20, 2008 at 9:02 am

  Shannon, that is so twisted that your insurance company refuses to pay for your treatment. Your parents can fight this decision, and I hope that they do. NEDA, at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org, has helpful advice for appealing insurance company decisions. I hope you will stick with your recovery regardless. You are worth it.

• 42 Kiki // Jun 20, 2008 at 9:58 am

  i just stumbled across this place. i think i am anorexic, no, i know i am, i just talked about it this week with my therapist, but i guess i downplayed it a bit, b/c she didnt provide me with any resources, and shes on vacation for the next few weeks. i lost another 3 lbs this week, and have hardly eaten in days. i cook for the family but cannot bring myself to eat. i have had eating disordered behaviour all my life, and finally in my mid thirties have realised i have a problem. i am 5 ft 6 and weigh 118. i know thats not awful, but 6 months ago i weighed 165…..and i cant stop wanting to lose more.

• 43 isabella mori // Jun 20, 2008 at 10:44 am

  hi kiki, and nice to meet you here. i hope you’ll find some inspiration and support here.

  it looks like you’re not always anorexic. what works for you when you aren’t?

• 44 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:34 am

  hi kiki im sorry to hear all this.
  u say u cook for ur familym, do they know about this? do they not ask why u dont eat with them?

  all i can say is you need to gain weight, ur body needs it. ino how easy it is to say, but to do it is hard, but one step at a time.
  recal the times when u never had this eatind disrder and how much happier n healthier u were.
  x

• 45 Saphire // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:34 am

  Hi everyone!!! I hope everyone is doing well, feeling well, and eating good!!! I am back from my holiday and I now know I can do it! I can have a totally normal holiday and normal life! I didnt exersise on the treadmill, and you know what? I didnt balloon or anything and my body feels like a new one. The energy I have is astounding to me.
  Im back to work and have other things going on right now and Im not so worried about food anymore! In fact, last night I went out on a spontaneous whim to a bar and lounge and had this amazing food- chicken tenders in garlic sauce and bread and then after went for a banana creme pie blizzard at Dairy Queen!! This was even after I had dinner at home and some cereal! And you know what? it was sooo good and not once did I feel guilty about it! Because I know that it is silly to worry about something we put in our mouth! I had such a good time. It was the first time in years that I went to a restuarant and ordered something I wanted to eat and not a salad. And then to top it off with ice cream? that tasted soo amazing? I am so happy with myself. I gave ana a very hard kick in the ass last night and I plan to do it from here onward. Last night I got a true sense of what normal is and its truly amazing.
  Please everyone- there is a great life to live for all of us. It is sooo much more than food. We should live- actually LIVE and enjoy every moment cause we only get one shot. Lets make it count.
  Best wishes to everyone. Happy and healthy right?!! Its been a while since Ive posted- well a week but I dont stop thinkin about all of you and wishing you all the very best.
  Oh and one last note- Shannon- fight the insurance company. This is ridiculous. Fight them for all you’ve got okay? xoxo

• 46 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:37 am

  sapphire- WOW thatsamazing amazing news! really i am SO proud i wish i cud tell u how much!!
  i was just having a rubbish day, restricted a little 2day but you just inspired me
  do u think going on ur holiday gave u that extra push u needed? hows ur energy levels, i bet they are soaring high?!
  thank u saphhire, ur comment jus encouraged me. i always seem to need to hear it from u first!

  do u mind me asking, like weight wise r u near ur ideal weight? no numbers, ino we r all mroe than a numberbut im just wondering!

  xx

• 47 Saphire // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:44 am

  Hey Aliyah! Ya, I think going on the holiday and realizing there is so much more to life than worrying about image or food definitely gave me the push I needed and Im totally sticking to it. I feel so unbelievable that I know I’ll never go back. I am so glad to have encouraged you!! You are a fighter and are so strong and I have no doubt whatsoever that you will beat this. You are winning already. Just keep going!!
  And as for my ideal weight? I still have a long ways so go. It has been only a month and a bit since I turned things around. And honestly, I threw out my scale last year so I have no idea what I even way. I am developing muscle, I do know that which is sooo wonderful!! Because I have been eating consistantly, my metabolism is on track again and so Im feeding my muscles the fuel they need! So im sure if I did weigh myself, I would be heavier than I look because muscle always weighs more than fat. But truthfully, I dont know. Scales are pointless, and you are so right, we are WAY more than a number!
  hugs Aliyah!! Eat good and you will feel good xx

• 48 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:48 am

  awww thanks sapphire!
  i actualluy feel better nd reauusres by you! really
  and i jus wanna say WELL DONE agen. Kepp it up, and your going to be so much better soo sooo soon!
  i feel really full and stuff jus now, even though i didnt eat that much, so instead of sittin in my room, lettin anorexia takeover, im going to go and sit with my family for a bit and keep my mind off it.

  hope work and everything goes really good!
  xx

• 49 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:49 am

  hi havent posted on this website for a while, but things are just getting better. yesterday i tried eating everything on my eating plan, cuz i new that i was losing and if i countinued i wud go back 2 hospital. and despite feeling quite full and uncomfortable, i enjoyed the food, chose what i actually wanted instead of what had least calories and afterwards felt just generally happy for the first time in ages. i thought i wud look so fat wen i looked in the mirror, but wen i looked, after working out a bit,i looked more toned and generally better. Did the same 2day and feel great again.Eating really is the answer.

• 50 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 12:27 pm

  boy wonder thats amazing greta news!
  really well done!
  EATING is the way foward!
  i ate a full fat sandwich today, and had butter on my bread which i usually avoid. i sncked and picked on food throughout the day too, to try nd rise the calorie level.
  i do feel uncomfortable, and a bit iffy but ino if i perserver the end result will be priceless.
  i mean i cannot let anorexia win!

  so wht did u eat? i cnt belive how much i deprive myself of yummy foods!

  x

• 51 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 12:46 pm

  loads! and i feel so good as well!
  i managed 2 have lunch at my skl for the first time in about 8 months, so altho i got a lot of looks and ppl were watchin me, that just motivated me 2 eat it all and show them i am me and only myself, and am not lettin anorexia take over my life. I had some bbq chicken which was really good, much better than half an apple! I also managed 2 ignore the apples and have a choc ice, which used 2 be fav, 4 dessert! it was yummy! i think today i also proved 2 my friends that i can get better and am finally now starting the road 2 recovery. i even got smiles from some of my teachers which was good. and its right there are so many people trying to cut down on nice foods 2 lose weight and we all need 2 gain weight and enjoy all the yummy food there is! On average how many calories do you eat at the moment? I usually try not 2 count, but am aiming 2 eat 2000 to 3000, do i need 2 increase any more when i exercise, as long as i gain steadily i can exercise, but i dont want 2 under do it or over do it to much.

• 52 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 12:51 pm

  umm i dont eat that much, i really have to increse
  about 1500 on average i think. need to up it to about 2500 i think. but its hard, im just tryin to introduce new foods n stuff i guess
  the other day i had veg lasagane, and it was yummy.
  but wel done on ur lunch! its gr8 news. dont worry about the stares and stuff, u jus stay true to urself n keep going.
  yeh if u exercise u definetly need to increase , even jus havin energy drinks n full calorie drinks ( no diet stuff) can hel increase intake.
  how tall are u roughly?
  n yeh defo, try not to think about numbers, when i do, i have a bad day.
  jus think whatever u eat is food, its not numbers!
  well done agen! really its inspiring.

• 53 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:01 pm

  im small only like 5 ” 1, 2 but also yvery young. anorexia has,accordin 2 my doctor, delayed me growing, so im eating to grow, aswell as replace lost weight more yummy food for me . out of intrest how tall and old are u? do u see a doctor/therapist?

• 54 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:03 pm

  omg haha im shorter than u! im just under 5ft but im 18!
  yeh anorexia and bulimia has stunted my growth
  its probably to late for me now, how old r u?
  yeh i see a counceller, not very often, i kinda avoid her to be honest cuse i hate being weighed n shes too strict, she wants me to gain at a much faster rate, but i go to slow.

  how underweight r u roughly anywys?

• 55 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:10 pm

  lol im 13 tho so i still have some hope and time. yer i hate being weighed so much, i think it holds me back and gives anorexia a chance 2 have a go at me. i have stopped being weighed cause i didnt think i would be able 2 gain at a weekly basis and see it on the scales but the last time i was weighed i was i think 77 pounds. and i have a broad build and was actually really gooda t rugby b4 my ed. but anyway i dont ever plan on weighing myself and to be honest none of us shud. we are people not numbers. do u have any main motivations 2 gain?

• 56 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:14 pm

  awwwww
  hmm yeah my main motivation is university, i start in september, n i wanna go, ANOREXIA free aand be able to go out to restaurants and socialise. I also need ot be healthy and strong, becauase uni is really hard work, an d i cnt be sitting restricting or not eating.

  yeh i hate being weighed, i deteste it! but my counceller has to do it, she sed she has to chart it,but for a while i gained uncontrollabley like 2 pounds a week, then it leveled off and im kinda stuck in that same sortaa weight jus now.

  how long u been in recovery? what motvates u?
  ur young , i was 12 when i first got an ED so belive me, gettinhelp now is the best thing u cud have done, cause by the time ur my age, U WILL BE FREE OF IT!

• 57 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:21 pm

  i got help about 3 months ago, but 2 be honest when i got help it sort of in a sick way motivated me 2 eat less and prove 2 them i was actually anorexic, cuz i thought i was 2 fat. I got hospitalised about a month and half ago, and after that i reli started 2 try and get better. my main motivations are sports, to be a normal teenager and 2 not cause my family so much pain and worry. thanks and im sure if u want it so much u will be able 2 beat it and go 2 uni normal and healthy!

• 58 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:25 pm

  awwww thank u:)
  ur lovely,u deserve a gret recovery,
  anorexia is soo powerful, and it will do ANYTHING to get onur way.
  it distorts all our thoughts, so next time u think im fat, look at the faacts, ur underweight, u are not fat n u never will be.

  yeh its definelty very tough on families but we can get thru it
  its gna make u such a strong person, i feel like my recovery is also makin me a stronger person.
  x

• 59 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 20, 2008 at 3:05 pm

  hey everyone!
  good job Saphire!!! I went to dq today and got a blizzard today too and you just inspired me to keep it in my tummy:D
  I think everyone here should go to DQ today and treat yourself to a blizzard!!
  We’ve all worked hard to try and overcome this and we deserve a treat!!
  don’t count the calories, all that counts is the taste:D its amazing!!!
  (cotton candy is the best!lol)

• 60 Saphire // Jun 20, 2008 at 3:44 pm

  SilentlyAwaits! That is so wonderful! yeah, arent blizzards the best? Ive not tried cotton candy but it just came out here and I love banana flavored stuff so banana cream pie had my name on it But Im most definitely going to try cotton candy next since you really liked it!!
  And I am so so so very happy you had one and enjoyed it and kept it in your tummy. That is a HUGE victory. And yes, we all deserve a treat! heck, we need to treat ourselves every single day, why not? Life is too short to deprive ourselves of what we want! Lets go for it! xx

• 61 Shannon // Jun 20, 2008 at 5:07 pm

  hey girls,
  Saphire and SilentlyAwaits-awesome job on eating better and going to DQ…blizzards are the best! Oreo and chocolate chip cookie dough are my favorites I think. The cheesecake ones are good too though (there isn’t a flavor I don’t like :-))

  As far as me, I was admitted to the hospital yesterday at the advice of my general family doctor. I had to have lab work done in order to start the partial hospitalization program (which I am going to get to do after all!) and my blood tests were all abnormal. They weighed me at the hospital and I’m 5′5″ and weigh 88 lbs. I never dreamed my weight had gotten that low (because I quit weighing myself). I ate a couple good meals at the hospital and while I did feel guilty and nervous about them my family and friends helped me through it. I also told two of my other friends about my ED and they came to see me in the hospital and were both so supportive of me and I think really kind of hurt that I didn’t tell them sooner because they want to help me so bad. I am so excited to start the program on Monday and really get better. Being put in the hospital was a real wake up call for me and it really made me realize that if I don’t get this under control now, I’m going to really do a lot of damage to my body, and not to mention my emotional status! I hope everyone can use this (and the great progress everyone else is making) as motivation to get help and beat anorexias butt! Good luck to everyone…I will keep you all posted on how I’m doing. Thanks for all your support!

• 62 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 20, 2008 at 7:06 pm

  I hope you’re all enjoying your blizzards!!!
  OH! update…the dr said i had to take…ensure or something… (just a health type drink) at least, so he’s at least making me take my vitamins:)
  he told my parents not to push my eating so he said drink at least one a day… but the only pickle (problem) is… my mom got the high cal. ones so it makes me not wanna take em as much :(… like, theres 355 cals per drink, but just the fact that it says “plus calories” its just kinda ruining it for me… and i know i obviously need to drink at least one a day but im scared i’ll slowly stop just cuz of that stupid little sign.
  anyways, thats the update
  but enjoy the blizzards:D and perhaps eat another one just so you can try another flavour xD

• 63 Natasha // Jun 21, 2008 at 1:51 am

  Hey guys,

  Shannon, it’s great that you’re going to get the treatment in the end! I’m so happy for you, I hope it goes well and it’s great that your friends are supportive.

  Saphire- I really admire you for all the food you’ve eaten and how well you’ve overcomed your fears. Same goes for all of you who haven’t restricted.

  I didn’t manage to read all the comments since I can’t see well after my lasic surgery so sorry if I left some stuff out . I haven’t been able to do much since I can’t see well so I’ve restricted quite a bit and I’m supposed to go to Phuket tomorrow but I havent’ recovered fully which sucks so I might not go. I’m also really freaked out cos I just weighed myself and I’m 5 pounds heavier than 3 days ago which should be impossible since I didn’t eat as much but then again I was sleeping most of the time. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do.

  I know I need to gain like 10kg by mid august which is also impossible and I’m lying to my parents about my weight so they think I only have 3kg left to gain. I’m so screwed.

• 64 Natasha // Jun 21, 2008 at 1:53 am

  Oh btw, this is the same Tasha as before, I just typed it in differently since I’m using another computer and probably won’t be able to post if I go to Phuket.

  Good luck everyone, hope you’re all doing better than me. I think I need the therapist in Singapore to be honest but we’ll see.

• 65 Aliyah // Jun 21, 2008 at 10:09 am

  silently awaits- well done on ur treat and keepin it in ur tummy! just as sapphire sed its a huge achievement and well done. its truely inspiriing. dont worry about the drinks, dont look at the label. treat it as a milkshake, or somethng yummy. you need it, so enjoy it!

  shannon- well done on ur meals at the hospital. just think how ur rewarding ur body, and its loving you for it! and about ur friends too, well done, it must be nice to have extra support eh. And they want u to get better, like everyone else, so use it as a motivation. u dnt want anorexiaa to spoil anything so really, enjoy ur food, and kick anorexia in th bum! good luck, for monday, keep it up ur going to be rid of this awful disease keep telling urself that.

  tasha- weight fluntuates all the time, and it cna by up to like half a stone, so really its not proper weight. stuff liek fluid, water and waste can account for any excess weight. I used to weigh myself all the time, n itused to go up and down so much it freaked me out, so try not too .
  u need to gain 10kg, its not impossible. just do it in slow steps and u wil achive it! break it down into weekly or daily tagrtes and u’ll be there in no time.
  good luck if u do go to phuket, if not, have a gd non restricing days. feed ur body, reward urself ok!

  as for me guys ive had an ok day. ate all my dinner, and it was yummy, even had sum mango juice after. my boyfriend puts sugarin my tea today too, ( i usually avoid it, extra calories) but it was yummy and im going to add soem from now on!
  i keep thinkin about how im going to look when i reach my idel weight, n it scares me a bit, but at the same time, i jus wanna get there and priove anorexia rong.

  keep going guys, u all truely inspire me!

  sapphire- what can i say?! u really have come so far and done sooo well. keep it up, cause your doing amazing!

• 66 Kiki // Jun 21, 2008 at 4:24 pm

  most of my adult life i have been underweight. the only reason i was ever overweight was when i was pregnant, and then when i was on a a bunch of psych meds after a complete emotional breakdown (2.5 years ago after my husband walked out). since i came off the meds i lost most of the weight without effort, and now it seems i want to push myself to lose even more.

  i have a terrible relationship with food. my therapist asked me to write about why i dont eat, and it was a painful exercise. its about control, i think. when i cannot control what is going on around me, at least i can control my weight. i had a lousy childhood, was forced to diet at the age of 2, had an abusive mom. i married young - 20 (i weighed 105 on my wedding day), had 4 kids (the lights of my life). i have custody of my kids, and if it wasnt for them i wouldnt have pulled thru. i sit and eat supper with them daily, but never a full meal, i get up from the table for any excuse, and i push food around my plate.

  why do other people starve themselves? when i get thru the day and i have only eaten 200 calories there is a perverse thrill, even tho i know logically it is wrong and unhealthy, and long term i am depriving my kids of the greatest gift i could give them - ME. but i dont know how to stop, i dont know if i want to stop.

• 67 Saphire // Jun 21, 2008 at 6:55 pm

  Hey everyone!
  I hope everyone is staying strong and fighting hard. We have to fight extra hard to win this one! Its possible for each and every one of you guys. There is so much life to enjoy and theres no sense in worrying about what we eat and how much we eat. There is good food out there so lets enjoy it! Congrats to you guys for staying strong!
  Shannon- Im so pleased to hear you are going to be going into the program! That is really truly wonderful! And Aliyah- is tea not better with sugar in it? I recently started putting real sugar into my tea and coffee and not splenda. So much better both taste and health wise. And really, who cares if there is sugar in one’s drink? That is great to hear you have a boyfriend who obviously cares so much about you
  Im doing good. Actually, tonight I went out for dinner. I had a cobb salad- thats a salad with everything : ham, turkey, lettuce, tomato, egg, and cheese! Very yummy. And I had the dressing with it- non fat. And then you know what? I went and bought myself another ice cream- haha I had the cotton candy blizzard this time SilentlyAwaits! And yes, it is very very good! Im telling you guys this- not to brag or anything, please dont take it that way. Im telling you guys this because it is possible to win. I am winning. Everytime I say eff off to ana I win. And you know what? The more I say it the more times I win. Its very possible to beat this thing. We just need to fight very very hard.
  Healthy and HAPPY!!!! ENJOY the food out there! We only live once. Lets make it worthwhile!!!!!!!
  xxxx

• 68 Aliyah // Jun 22, 2008 at 1:31 am

  spphire- wow well done on ur dinner nd ince cream!!
  sounds yummy, and no way ur enthusiasm encourages EVERYONE. i always think of u, and how well u r doing andi want to be doing the same.
  keep it up! ur doing soo brilliant! have ur parents sed anything about ur amazing success?

  kiki- i know its so hard. i never new why i used to starve myself, i think for me it was my way of dealing with stressful situations. i thought if i keep losong weight, then im achieving somehting. But thats not the real us, thats anorexia playing with our mind. its scary how it alters our perception of food and control. when anorexia takes over , we feel we are in control, but we r not. ask urself, by not eating enuff,w hat does it achicve? a false sense of achievement?
  thats about it, you just need to learn, as u eat, u REgain sum weight, u fel better, u have energy, u want to be full of energy and enthusiaam,,when ur with ur kids, not feeling hungry.
  youve been thru a lotof stress, im sure this is just ur way of coping, u hide ur felings by not eating. Thats why its difficult for u to adress because its maybe hdiing or bringing bak painful memories?

  you just need to learn other ways to deal with stress and life rather than not eating.
  i hope this was of sum help.

  today im going to try have a gd day girls, and eat well!
  got lots to regain, so i shud be enjoying it!

  xx

• 69 Saphire // Jun 22, 2008 at 8:18 am

  Good morning everyone!
  Thanx Aliyah- you’re so sweet! I definittely hope that it motivates all you guys to do the same- ‘enjoy life-eat dessert first’ And the only one in my family that knows about my ed is my mom, my dad doesnt live with me. But she is super happy. When I went out with her to the bar and lounge the other night and ate something that I actually wanted and then the ice cream afterwards, I’ve never seen her happier. She told me that I gave her the best gift she’s ever gotten that night. A night out with her daughter- a NORMAL night out and of enjoyment. So that was really wonderful, and just one more reason to keep this up because I am winning. I feel stronger and better mentally everyday!!!
  Kiki- just like Aliyah, my ed began with stress overload in my life. A million different very complicated things to deal with in my life. And so this was something I could finally control. It is usually all about control and the less you eat, the more it seems like an ‘achievement.’ This is a FALSE achievment. All we are really achieving by starving ourselves is a slow death and a miserable unhappy life.
  When you eat, you don’t gain back ‘weight’ you regain your life back. To be happy and healthy is the most important thing in life. Food gives you energy and the vitality you need to LIVE and enjoy every moment of life because each moment, I think, is precious and every moment that is consumed by anorexia is a moment wasted. This is what I believe, and its true isnt it? Life is way too short! Anyway, best of luck Kiki! We are all here for you to support you in any way we can.
  Everyone- have an amazing day. Eat well and you’ll feel amazing xo

• 70 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 22, 2008 at 10:03 am

  hey again everyone!
  I had another blizzard yesterday:D lol. Last night was my brothers grad banquet so it was fun, it went until midnight. I just got fillings and something is weird and it hurts to chew so i could only eat the potatoes at the dinner:( but they were amazing!!!. Anyways yeah, even since i have been eating more than usual, i havent really gained weight yet, im wondering if its cuz my body is just using all the nutrients right away because i was so starved? anyways yeah its weird. Thats about all i can think of writing cuz… my mind is blank:P but ill probably talk more later.

• 71 Aliyah // Jun 22, 2008 at 10:43 am

  sile tly awaits- well done on yet anuther achievement! glad u enjoyed the banquet! dont worry about regaining, everyones bodies are different, some gain faster, some slower. int ime it will happen. And of course a lot of the food, will be used to ‘fix’ the body inside. keep it up!

  sapphire- aw thats so nice to hear about ur mum! definetly use it as amotivation, itsgreat !

  i had an ok day. i had sugar in my tea, butter on my bread, all my dinner. didnt have much at breaksfat though. will have a little snack later too.

  we r all winning!:D
  x

• 72 Aliyah // Jun 23, 2008 at 12:12 pm

  hello
  i just wanna say i had a really good day food wise
  i added butter 2 my bread at lunch, i had a chicken wrap for dinner with the sauce and had 2 ice lollies
  and i feel sooo good n proud and i really wanted to share it all with u.
  really eating makes u feel so much better! i feel energised and cnt wit for anuther successful day tomorow!
  woo!
  hope everyone else is good!
  x

• 73 Saphire // Jun 23, 2008 at 2:46 pm

  Aliyah- that is amazing! Dont you find that the more you win over ana, the stronger you feel and the more times you just don’t care about food? like you know it doesnt really matter. It tastes good so why not have it?! I know Im finding that. And soo soo much energy!
  Last night I found I was hungry and craving like everything in my house so you know what? I ate and I ate until I was satisfied. Let me tell you, this took many bowls of cereal and even some cake and other snacks but it was good and I know that I need it and I dont feel one bit guilty about it. If a person craves something- this is the body’s way of telling you that you need food. Even if you’re not hungry- because I ask my mom and a nutritionist “Im not hungry yet I still WANT something”. Trust me- the body is still hungry.
  And this morning I had like 4 cups of cereal and some poppyseed cake after because I wanted it and I mean, its only food right? Big deal! And it tasted so good
  The more a person restricts, the weaker you get mentally and the more you start listening to ana and that is NOT good, so please Aliyah, enjoy your food and eat a lot of it. And if you eat like you ate today- eating what you wanted and realizing its only food, and we need it and frankly it doesnt matter, you will DEFINITELY have another successful day tomorrow.
  We NEED to gain weight- I know thats on the back of all our minds- ‘we know we need to eat and we want to but we dont want to gain weight’ Well the reality of it is- we are all bone thin and its not good. Lets get our figures back- we are women and so we should look like ones Stay strong hun- you are doing SO well! I am so happy and so very proud of you!
  Everyone else- keep strong and enjoy your day and your food!!!!!!!! Healthy and HAPPY!
  xo

• 74 Kiki // Jun 23, 2008 at 3:05 pm

  with the kids home from school now its harder to not eat. how do i eat and not feel guilty? how do i step on the scale and be happy that i gained a pound? why is my brain so messed up?

• 75 Aliyah // Jun 24, 2008 at 1:04 am

  sapphire- omg omg omg! that is amazing!!! all the lovely food that ur body needs! and YES i find that when i eat and ignore ana i feel better, i sumtimes sit n think im nt gna eat all of this, but when i start, then i always go, forget it, im finishing it all cause its so good. well done sapphite, n u dont even feel guilty way to go! ana’s losing badly to you !
  and dont worry i defionetly will enjoy my food today, thanks soooo much. just reading tht motivates me so much!
  have a great day of lots of food too! you are doing more than amazing, you r doing fantastic, and your 100% right about everything!

  Kiki- imsoryr to hear that., Its anrexia playing with your mi