change therapy

847 responses so far ↓

• 1 Tasha // Jun 14, 2008 at 6:25 am

  Hey,

  Sorry didn’t post earlier, sort of having a couple of bad days. Was so tired after Grad Ball but I restricted at Grad Ball and I felt so guilty so when I came home, I ate cos I knew I needed it but that also meant that I ended up sleeping really late and I still feel so drained.

  I don’t know why I restricted, I just got freaked out by the oil that surrounded the fish and the cream in the soup. So I had two buns and I finished the fish and had some of the asparagus but didn’t eat dessert, soup or the cleanser sorbet thing. And I had a salad for lunch and some cereal for breakfast but I knew I didn’t eat enough and I sort of restricted today as well. I NEED TO STOP THIS cos I know my parents won’t send me to boarding school and that’s so stupid cos it’s SUCH A GOOD OPPORTUNITY.

  Aliyah- You’re such a good role model to me, I feel ashamed that I didn’t eat all the courses at Grad Ball and I’m trying to make sure I eat enough today but I think that you’re doing amazing and you just took a great step forward so you really should be SO SO PROUD OF YOURSELF.

  Saphire- It’s great to hear that you feel better since you’ve been eating more. That’s really motivating me to eat more as well since I want to be on top form for my tennis. But best of luck for your road trip. Have so much fun, enjoy yourself and block out any thoughts about not doing enough exercise. Honestly, since I gave up over exercising, I feel so much better but still quite tired since I’m still restricting.

  Shannon- good luck with the partial hospitalisation. It’s great that you’re taking such a positive and more importantly a big step in recovery so I hope that it goes well and when you feel nervous about the food, just tell yourself, these people are professionals and they have helped many people like us before so you can TRUST them to get you better.

  Rynelle, I hope you dance shows went well and I also hope that your struggle against anorexia will become an easier one. I can’t say much since I’m restricting as well but I find that when I tell myself this, I can usually motivate myself more: Anorexia is just a frame of mind, the only reason why we became this thin is because we had enough discipline and will power to become thin so if we could only use that will power into gaining weight, we would once again return to a normal healthy frame of mind since no one was born with anorexia, it’s just a voice, not a permanent state.

• 2 Aliyah // Jun 14, 2008 at 10:11 am

  sapphire enjoy ur trip! u deserve a truley fun time!
  apart from that, ino whts it like, and its very very very good that u still had cereal, and u felt good about it!
  do uno how amazing that is!!im SO PROUD. really. its soo inspriing. keep it up n ull be cured in no time!

  Tasha- ino u sed u didnt eat every course but uno well done! u stil had some, n u sed u ate all the fish and buns. And ino how tempting it is to restrict after n before, n i did a bit too, but i stopped and sed to myself, u need to get over this.
  so next time u want to restrict say, why shud i not eat well. Think of how a normal person after a big meal would just maybe cmplain a bit, but they wouldnt go restricting. At my prom, a girl ate all her meal, then at the after party she was eating the wee snacks, and having alcohol, and i was inspirsed cause she looked amazing, n she didnt have ‘omg im fat’ on her mind. thats how we want to be, because we ARE NOT FAT!

  shannon- definetly as tasha sed they are experts, we may feel,. we know best cause its our bodies but uno they have dealth with people, who have recovered and know what work.s
  trust them try to enjoy the food, and you’bbe be a healthy and fit person in no time. Im so proud of you for going, its sooo goood WELL DONE

  Ryannele im sure ur dances wen very well. Just reward urself with food please.

• 3 Saphire // Jun 14, 2008 at 3:58 pm

  Hi everyone- Im just checkin in. Im on my holiday right now in a hotel and I just thought Id drop a ‘Hello’ and wish everyone well!

  Im glad you had a great night Tasha! And even tho you didnt have the whole meal- you did have some, so indeed, be proud. You have really come far since you first started posting on here. I think we all inspire each other and encourage each other to continue on our recovery so that is really great!
  Rynelle, I too hope your dance show went well and like Aliyah said- reward your body with food! It needs it!
  Hope everyone is having a wonderful day! Best wishes to everyone! hugs! xx

• 4 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 14, 2008 at 4:40 pm

  hey again guys… i had breakfast AND supper today (not lunch yet…still a big step for me) but thanks for the encouragement :O! I’m in a big pickle! I’m counseling at a Bible camp for 2 weeks…which means I should be leading as a good example to other girls… but how can i do that if i don’t eat? i’ll be so scared to go 2 weeks without a scale, or worrying whats gonna happen if I eat something during snack time… I don’t want the girls to start worrying about their weight just cuz i have issues…but i don’t honestly think i can eat enough to show them what a healthy lifestyle is… what do i do???

• 5 Shannon // Jun 14, 2008 at 9:21 pm

  Hey girls,
  Thanks for all the support and encouragement about my decision to go into the intense treatment program! I’m nervous about it but you’re all right, they are professionals and I trust that they know what they’re doing. I’m nervous but excited all once. I know its going to be hard and I know there will be days I don’t think I can do it but its such a relief to know that I’m going to get this ED under control and out of my life!! I was at the gas station today and the young guy working in it said “man you need to go eat a burger and fries or something, you are so tiny!” i just kind of laughed and told him i was actually on my way to eat dinner (which wasn’t a total lie). I have been restricting quite a bit this week and haven’t felt very good (physically or mentally) from it. His comment made me feel like crap though. My family is having a big pool party cookout for Father’s Day so I’m going to try to use his comment has motivation to just eat WHATEVER i want tomorrow and not think about calories or restricting or measuring/weighing my food at all. I’m just worried that I’ll binge, but I’m going to try so hard!

  Tasha,
  Good job on eating some of the stuff at the meal! Its ok that you didn’t eat it all as long as you tried your hardest! Just tell yourself that you are stronger than the ED and don’t restrict! Keep up the good work!!

  Saphire,
  I hope you have an amazing time on your trip! Keep us posted on the fun things you do and how you’re feeling!

  Silently Awaits,
  I’m glad that you realize that you need to eat around the girls so they don’t start worrying about their weight too. I know it will be hard but just use it as motivation…I wouldn’t wish an ED on even my worst enemy! Even if you don’t eat all of your food try hard to make an effort to eat some of it at least. You’re a strong girl and I know you can do it. Set a good example for those girls and kick anorexias booty!!

  Good luck everyone…and thanks again for the support!

• 6 Saphire // Jun 15, 2008 at 8:14 am

  Hi everyone- okay Im gonna keep you posted on how things are going. Im still in my hotel just waking up right now I’ve been doing alright I suppose. I still have the major pangs of guilt tho when it comes to eating because I still feel like I should be working out but its okay. I should probably be eating more but Im workin on it.

  Silentlyawaits- Im very proud of you for eating breakfast and dinner. That is huge! Good job! And as for your summer camp concern, I would definitely take this as a great measure to kick your ed’s ass. Like you said, you need and you want to set a great example for the other girls. So you need to have strength and energy and positivity radiating from you and in order for this to happen- the only way for this to happen, is if you eat properly. Yes, its going to be a struggle, but you are strong and I believe in you and your strength to fight this. This is a great opportunity for you. You are going to be around other people and having fun and being a role model for other girls! Show them a good time like I know you can!!!!

  And Shannon!!! You’ve got tons of support and encouragment comin from me! Im so proud of you once again for taking a great step in the right direction. You will for sure beat this thing and get it out of your life. And its great you are doing it- no more annoying comments from others!! I remember some guy telling me once- ‘you’ve gotta eat girl’ and ya you laugh it off, but feel like crap about it. I know exactly what you mean. I want to stop the stares and comments and be healthy so people can look at me and think ‘that girl is radiant’ or she looks so alive and happy! That is what I want. And I want to feel this way as well, not the other way in which ana wants me to feel. So way to go Shannon!!

  Hope everyone has a happy and HEALTHY day today. xx

• 7 Aliyah // Jun 15, 2008 at 11:27 am

  hey girlsssss
  Ive had a few days where Ive restricted and my Mum told me today i look painfully thin and tht I Have to gain or she’ll send me to the dcotor agen. I guess all thats been on my mind is lose the weight u gained from the prom meal. Anorexias had a strong hold on me i guess. But im not gonna restrict this week, i promised myself. I wnna gain, and be my healthy weight.

  Sapphire- ino how u must feel, scared but dont be. Im so jealous u on holiday! really, enjoy it, lifes to short to worry about food all the time! Remember this is YOUR holiday, not the EDs so dont let it ruin it ok. keep us posted, enjoy urself, and eat well. Your one of my motivations each day:)

  Silently awaits- WELL DONE on your meals. This is a huge ste[ foward. And how do u feel about it? chuffed, full . happy? i bet you do, and uno what u deserve it! be proud. Dont wory about the camp, just like Shannon said, use it as a motivation. You can do it, dont weight yourself, you shouldnt, its not a number thats important, its your health. Its your mental health. I used to weigh myself soooo much, and its all I could then think about. Now i hardly do, except when my counceller does, or when i feel i need to, and thats it. Eat well, have energy and strenght, you’ll feel better and set a great example! you can do it! Thehuman mind is powerful, if u are positve about something, and relly want to do it, you will. That applys to all you guys, sapphire I mean on your holiday YOU CAN enjoy it, and not worry about food, cause you dont NEED to.

  Shannon- I know hw hard it is not to restrict, its nearly impossible not to. But just tell yourself constantly, i dont need to restrict. On my prom, i remember both my parents sed i looked sooooooo thin. And i use it as a motivation now to try and gain weight. We want people to say, wow u look great! And once we get to our final weights we will! and we will be healhy happy people, that can go and eat whenever and wherever we want. We have the right too, and we shud not let anorexia take it away! GOOD LUCK. i really hope it all works well for you, ino it wil. Just stick with it, no matter what u feel, cause the end result is priceless

• 8 Aliyah // Jun 15, 2008 at 11:32 am

  I just wnna say another wee thing, and that is we should really feel so lucky to have food,cause all obver the world, people are starving. If they knew there was people likeus, restricing, throwin up, and not eating enough, theyd think we’re abousolutely crazy. Food to us , is scary, but why shud it be. Its somethign we al need, its a ncesseity in life, and we all deserve it, and our bodies. We al deserve to enjoy life, and go out to nice restuarnts, and eat whatever we feel like.
  Im sure in our past we all were like that, before anorexia struk, so think back to that time, cause it relly helps me
  I remember when I used to be the ideal weight for my height, nd I used to like my body, i didnt hate it. nd now im much thinner, I feel fatter. It s just proof anorexia has taken over my thoughts.
  Lets not let an ED destroy our lives and make us feel miserable !

• 9 Aliyah // Jun 15, 2008 at 11:36 am

  shannon – sorry for all the posts. My last one i promise ! About ur pool party, enjoy it! Just put inur plate, a resonable sized meal.Not too big, not too small, and when ur eating, just ask urself honestly, am i still hungry, or I am full?
  and if u eat abit more than usual, so what? u need it, and eating habits vary, we ll have times when we eat too much, its normal, so dont fret about anything and enjoy it!
  x

• 10 Shannon // Jun 15, 2008 at 2:52 pm

  Aliyah,
  Thanks for the encouragement. I didn’t restrict at the pool party (although I didn’t have dessert it was mostly because I was full, not because of the calories in it). I felt guilty for eating so much “unhealthy” food but then I told myself I really need it and ate until I was full and felt good. I’m just kind of worried I’m going to binge later but I’m going to listen to my body and am going to go for a nice walk to keep my mind off food. I’m glad you’re using your parents comments as motivation to gain! I hate it when people tell me how thin I am so just keep up the good work and don’t restrict this week. You’ll feel so much better. And you’re right, we are all lucky that we have enough food to eat and should take full advantage of it! Good luck girl!!!!

• 11 rachael // Jun 15, 2008 at 5:24 pm

  hii everyone i hope your all doing well!

  0my beach trip didnt go soi well, i actually barely ate at all and lost all teh wieght i gained back and even maybe another pound so im like lower then when i satarted and ive been trying to eat more but my acid reflux came back so its too hard to eat without feeling sick so this just sucks. i dont wnt to be this thin or feel like crap all the time i dont know what to do im trying to fix my acid reflux cause its in the waaay

• 12 Tasha // Jun 15, 2008 at 10:16 pm

  Hey guys,

  Rachael- have you tried maybe adding those high calorie/nutrition drinks like Ensure? Or add powdered milk to sauces or milk itself? They’re supposed to help with weight gain initially if you find that you have acid reflux problems.

  Shannon- I really admire how you’ve decided to take such a positive turn in your recovery. I remember it was only a few weeks ago when you decided to go for the Boca burger but look at you now, you ate until you were full at the pool party which is really great. I’m so happy for you, keep it up and you’ll never get another comment about looking too thin.

  Aliyah, just remember that you did eat all your food at prom and that means that you’re definitely stronger than the ED and you can fulfill that promise you made to yourself. Forget about the days when you restricted, you can’t undo that but you can now give your body the nutrition and well medication it needs.

  Saphire- hope your trip is going great and enjoy yourself!

  Silenty Awaits- Firstly, congrats on having two meals, it IS a huge step, you went from one meal to two, you’re doing twice as better now. Maybe it will help being around the other girls because you can see how they eat and how they’re still healthy and you can use that as motivation to eat as well?

  As for me, I’m doing ok, not as well as I’d like. I’m eating a bit more but then I freaked out this morning because I did the stupid thing of weighing myself and yeah. Stupid. Now I’m worried since I’m going to Phuket on Sunday to help the tsunami victims and we’ll have to do quite a lot of manual labour which I’m not even sure I’m strong enough to do. Plus, all our meals are prepackaged so I can’t even choose what I’m going to eat which REALLY SCARES ME. Whenever I went for sports competititons, they used to always give a mayo sandwich and a chocolate bar, things like that which I’m not that comfortable eating 5 days in a row. But I volunteered to help so I have to go, I just don’t know how to cope.

• 13 Aliyah // Jun 16, 2008 at 1:15 am

  Tasha- wow your doing a great job there helping the tsunami victims. But ino how scary the food is, and yeh i wud be scared of not knowing, but uno what, its part of life, we can always predict it, and whatever it is, ur body needs it. As you said your going to be doing lots of manual labour so yur body will need it! Give your body what it needs so you can help these people. Just keep you mind on the amazing job your going to be doing, and how grateful everyone will be to you. Good luck! when is it?

  Rachel- Just as Tasha said, high calorie drinks and stuff is probably the best idea. What is acid relux? And dont worry, just pick ur self and start regaining, we all have times when we lose a bit of weight, but we need to gain it agen !

  Shannon- well done! I am so so proud! You ate well, and thats ok you didnt have desert. This is great, you kicked anorexias bum there didnt you! Im sure it would have made ur parents very happy too, too see you ate well. Keep it up, congrats!

• 14 Tasha // Jun 16, 2008 at 4:44 am

  Hey,

  I’m going on Sunday until Friday and I know that I’ll probably need a lot more food for those days since I”ll be doing a lot of work, I just hope my body can take it. It should be great since it’s by the beach and we get lots of seafood- I love seafood but at the same time, Thai food isn’t exactly the healthiest of foods so I just don’t know what to do. And I’ve also been so used to eaten with my family, I don’t want other people to make comments and stuff.

  How’s your day going though Aliyah?

• 15 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 16, 2008 at 8:38 am

  hey everyone.
  Tasha, remember, if you’re doing all that work, they won’t be feeding you that unhealthy of food because they want you to be your strongest… and remember, anything is healthier than nothing.
  Yesterday was SO hard for me…. for fathers day… in the morning I forgot all what was planned, so I had breakfast…then after church we all had a picnic… and I couldn’t not eat cuz everyone was around and kind of watching me… (my mom told like everyone about my ed)… so then I had to eat…then for supper we went to my grandparents for another barbeque…i was already so full but my mom MADE me eat… I felt so sick after it was disgusting, BUT i made myself not throw up:D..Oh, and at the picnic, they had all these competitions for the teens and little kids like… who could eat the licorice the fastest…but we were on a team so I couldn’t let them down. and like… marshmellow things and jellybean eating stuff… it was so hard but i made sure I just enjoyed it because I never eat that much, and at the end of the day (besides the fact that my stomach was actually bulging) i felt so much better.

• 16 Tasha // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:23 am

  Hey SilentyAwaits- I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. Sorry that was a little too expressive but look at you, you’re doing TONS better. I think it may have appeared to be bulging but it’s just a bloated stomach I think since you probably haven’t had that much to eat. But that’s a really amazing step you took in recovery yesterday. Just keep it up and if you have any guilt feelings, block it out because you deserve the food and nourishment.

  And you’re right, anything IS better than nothing. I’m going to keep that in mind when I’m there.

• 17 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:28 am

  thanks lol. yeah that was harsh though… i don’t think i’ve eaten that much in a couple years… :S but I DID need it and it did feel okay…but yeah, you’ll do great and make sure you have fun while ur helping out, it’ll take your mind off the food

• 18 Shannon // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:51 am

  Father’s Day was really hard for me too!! Like I said, I ate well at the pool party but then when I came home later I felt like I was kind of in binge mode. I had some more fruit and BBQ (no bun though), and some chips and dip, and some pudding (it was sugar free but I did have 2). I was trying so hard to not binge on like the normal “binge foods” like peanut butter and ice cream and cookies and all that stuff. So I guess that was one good thing that I accomplished. And I actually felt hungry when I was eating the stuff so I don’t know if I’m really going to classify this as a binge or just eating NORMAL? My stomach was kind of bloated after I was done but I didn’t purge or anything which is another good thing. I feel really guilty today though and have been restricting quite a bit. I know my body needed all that food yesterday and I know I shouldn’t be restricting today. I go tomorrow for my orientation to the day day treatment program and to meet with the nutritionist and set up my meals for while I’m there.

  Silently Awaits,
  Awesome job girl!!! I have been restricting today because I felt bad for eating so much yesterday and reading your post helped me feel so much better. We do need all that food!!! And there’s nothing wrong with feeling full…its a good thing! I’m so happy you made an effort to NOT throw up! That is so hard when you’re feeling guilty you just want to go ahead and purge but you didn’t and that’s so good!!

  Tasha,
  That’s so nice of you to volunteer to help those victims! Don’t worry about the food. Whatever it is you’ll need it and you’ll be doing a lot of work anyway so you’ll need a lot of extra energy! Just have fun and think of how fortunate you are to get to have that food and aren’t one of the victims left with nothing. I know you’ll do great!!

• 19 Saphire // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:01 am

  Silently Awaits- my gosh, I am also so VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!! That is so amazing! Well done. You know, your body is thanking you like crazy! And the more you fight that other voice and WIN- the faster you will fully beat this disease! So pleez- keep this up hun, your body and your mind deserve it!!!!

  And Tasha- that is wonderful you are helping the Tsunami victims. You are truly making a difference in this world. And yes, it really does not mattter (although I know its easier said than done) what they feed you because like you said you need the strength. And you- remember, we are not like normal ppl yet- we need a LOT more to nourish our starved bodies, you need to eat a ton when you’re over there to give your body the strength it truly needs. And seafood, is in fact incredibly healthy. Seafood has so many vital nutrients and HEALTHY fats that your body really needs. And its so good!!! Enjoy yourself Tasha. You are a wonderful person who is going to be helping the lesser fortunate ppl. You are blessed to be the one helping so help your body aswell. Haha, that didnt make much sense, but you know what I mean

  Aliyah- be strong. You have the willpower and strength to beat this thing. Take control of it and DO NOT let it take control of you. You have been there once and remeber, it was not a nice place. Keep strong and you will win!!!! xxxx best wishes to everyone else!!!
  And Rachael- ya like Aliyah said- try Ensure. That stuff is amazing!!!!

  Oh and as for myself- my trip is going really good. Ive come to grips with not working out and Im just enjoying myself which is nice. Of course, ana creeps into my head a many times but I have to be strong and beat her ass right out of there!!!!

  HUGS everyone!!! Healthy and happy remember!

• 20 Saphire // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:05 am

  Shannon- that was DEFINITELY NOT a binge!!! In fact, that was not even really normal eating! a normal person would have had a LOT more and even then, that wouldnt have even been classed as a binge for a normal person!!! I really hope you enjoyed it though because your body really needs it!! That is great you did not give in to that other voice. You are doing really great. BE PROUD!!!! I am proud of you.

• 21 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:26 am

  hey Shannon! well done!! your body is thanking you for yesterday! but its still hungry today! Try and eat something at least… I know its easy for me to say, but i still only ate grapes since this morning… so i probably shouldnt say anything… its like, i know i should but my ed wont let me ;\ but once im done writing I’m gonna eat something so i can at least practice what i preach…but yeah, try and eat:D
  Saphire, good job:D u dont even need to work out, its probably healthier not to at this point. and well done on just enjoying your trip…eat food and instead of worrying about the cals, think of how good it tastes:D
  Can’t think of anything else to say…adios for a bit!

• 22 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:35 am

  I’m now currently eating a bowl of cereal

• 23 Aliyah // Jun 16, 2008 at 12:22 pm

  silently awaits- look at u! uve come so far already! amazing, i am so so soooo proud!! and cereal, well done! enjoy it all. its sooo good for you, and your body will be happy happy!

  Sapphire- omg, im so happy ur enjoying urself! and coping so so well, its great. See yyou can do it and you are! oh thats sooo good, just keep it up and enjoy urself ok!
  Tasha- at leats its food uenjoy! u sed u like, seafood, so just enjoy it. Your body needs it. keep strong, we all know how hard it is, but you can do it and you will.

  Shannon – liek sapphire said,it most definetly is not bingeing. Its just your body craving and wanting the yummy food that it deserves. well done on not throwin up and bingeing! its great news, you are in control1

  As for me, ive hd a great day. Just had a pancake with my tea there and i enjoyed it soo much.
  i just hope tomorow is as good a day:D I wanna put on weight, and im going to enjoy all the yummy foods i’ll get to eat:D

  x

• 24 Shannon // Jun 16, 2008 at 4:26 pm

  Hey girls,
  Thanks for the encouragement. I’m trying so hard to tell myself not to feel guilty for yesterday because I know my body is really thanking me. I have really wanted to weigh myself today though but I’ve resisted the urge! I also just ate dinner and plan on having a snack later before bed because I know by restricting I’m only letting the ED win.

  Aliyah,
  Congrats on having the pancake and ENJOYING it!!! I love pancakes so much and haven’t had one in such a long time. You are inspiring me and I’m going to have one in the near future! And you’re right, we all KNOW we need to gain weight so instead of dwelling on how much we’re eating or feeling guilty for eating so much we should just get to enjoy the delicious food that we have been restricting for so long! Most people aren’t as “lucky” as us and are trying to lose weight…but we get to gain and eat all the good stuff. So we should all just enjoy it and not even worry about it! I’m glad you brought that up!!

  Saphire,
  Thanks for reassuring me that it wasn’t a binge. It makes me feel a lot better to be told that my thinking is crazy (by you guys because you understand the ED…unlike my parents and friends). I’m so glad you’re having fun on your trip and accepted the no working out thing. You are so strong and I admire you so much!! Keep having a great time girl…you deserve it!

• 25 Jilly // Jun 16, 2008 at 7:01 pm

  Hey guys. Sorry it’s been a while but i’m here now!
  Just a quick one before i run off to bed.
  I understand everyone’s frustrations and feel them all myself. The whole wanting to get better but not wanting to gain weight is the one i am dealing with just now. I am back in FL but getting worse i think. I’m exercising harder than ever and eating less and less every day and i can feel ana getting stronger as i get weaker. I really don’t know how to keep doing this. I have like a good week followed by a really really terrible week and that really annoys me and i do get so frustrated at myself but at the same time i get frustrated when i eat. Tonight i went to burger king, then ran for ages….almost passed out. then when i came back i purged again. I’m just so disappointed in myself and i dont know when this cycle will ever end. But i keep trying to tell myself that i have to get better.

  take care
  xx

• 26 Tasha // Jun 16, 2008 at 8:23 pm

  Hey,

  Oh Jilly, I don’t know what to say. I understand what torture you must be going through but you HAVE to fight this because only you can stop this. I mean we can always go to therapists and hospitals but at the end of the day, if you want to beat this and if you want it to end, it has to come from you. You deserve so much better than this, and we’re all here to support you through this struggle since we’re all going through it ourselves. It’ll be a hard battle but it’s SO WORTH IT. Just think back to the times when food was just food, you deserve a life without this burden to carry, we all do.

  Shannon and SilentlyAwaits- the way both of you ate what you wanted on Father’s day and kept it down is really inspiring and motivating me this week. Shannon, good luck with your orientation and meeting with the nutritionist, hope it goes well.

  Saphire- I’m so happy to hear you’re doing well on your trip. You should be so proud of yourself, you were worried about this before but look at you know, ana is no match for you. Aliyah- well done on the pancake and keeping the promise to yourself this week. All of you guys are such great motivations and inspirations to me so keep it up and I’m sure this nightmare will end soon.

  I’m doing my best not to restrict which I was planning to do since I’m going to Phuket. I’ve done ok so far today, had breakfast and had a starbucks mocha with my dad since he made me- I didn’t want to since I had a big bowl of cereals for breakfast and it’s nearly lunch. Now looking back, that was just stupid since it’s just a cup of mocha. My parents are thinking of sending me to Singapore since there aren’t any therapists in KL and they want me to ‘sort myself out’ before I go to boarding school, do you guys find them helpful?

• 27 isabella mori // Jun 16, 2008 at 8:38 pm

  hi everyone, just peeking in for a sec here … (for those of you who don’t know me, i’m the one who started this site)

  honestly, every day i am grateful for all the support you people are giving each other. (let me know if i get too gushy!)

  @jilly, would it be possible for you to focus on what works, and not on what doesn’t? you say you can feel ana getting stronger – but you can still FEEL it! you know what’s going on! if ana had you completely in her grips, you would talk differently …

  and if you have a good week followed by a bad that means you had a good week!!!

  thanks for telling yourself that you need to get better.

  @shannon way to go on not weighing yourself!

  and yay on the cereal, @silentlyawaits!

  okay, that’s it, just wanted to say hello for a moment! take care, beautiful people!

• 28 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 1:48 am

  heeelo lovelies

  Tasha- hey well done on not restricting, its GREAT news. Well done on the mocha too, its just a drink, u deserve to enjoy it! Therapists, yeh i found mine quite helpful at one point, i mean its good to talk to someone, its just like this, but face to face. Definetly give it a try, cause it might be an extra wee motivational push tht u need!

  Jilly- awwww i relly feel for you. I know what its like, u go thru times when u just think whats the point, icant enjoy anything I eat. But uno what, its anorexia trying to fight, and its come and hit u strong. But remind urself, you want rid of this awful disease, its not something u have to have, u need to get rid of it. Try to think of yourself, with no anorexia, enjoying food, social occasions and not having such thoughts, The more u think about it, the easier it wil be to slowly fight off ana. good luck, u are strong and beutiful, and dont deserve ana to ruin ur life, cause thats what it is doing!

  Shannon- well done on not weighingurself. Yesterday I really wanted to, and this morning, and I just told myself, I dont want a number in my head anymore. It always ruins my day so congrats! you are more than a number! Like u said, lets just enjoy our food, like every other person!

  I feel so much better this morning, and I think its cause i ate a bit more yesterday. Today Im going to edinburgh with my dad to visit my aunt, and were going to have lunch at hers, and im a littlee bit worried, but my aunt knows about ana, so I know she wont say anything 2 me like ‘eat more or ‘is that all ur having’. But im going to try and eat a bit more at lunch so i win one over ana!
  Also yesterday I went to the gym, my frend signed me up for a 3 day trial course and it was fun, and i really wanna join. But only under the motivation to tone, and gain more energy, and put on weight! Im a bit unsure about it, because i dont want to become reliant on it, or obsessive, but I do want to be fit.

  anywys hope everyone has an amazing Non restricing day! And btw, none of us have gained weight, we’ve all REGAINED some of what we lost.

  x

• 29 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 1:50 am

  Oh sorry a last wee thing, I find goging out, and looking at other people, you realsie we all have such different body shapes and sizes, and we need to let our bodies naturally be what they are supposed too

• 30 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:06 am

  hey again guys!
  thanks for ur support, yesterday I ate food too:Dbut i can tell today wont be as good i have a doctors appt in an hour and a bit and its a new one so im scared about telling him the news:S but yeah,
  talk to ya later,
  have a good day and eat lots:D

• 31 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:13 am

  goodluck with the doctor! let us knw how it goes. Its a great step in the right direction, be honest and open!

  x

  i ate more at dinner today everyone, n i feel happy

• 32 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:20 am

  good job on the dinner:D what did u have? doesnt it seem like the more you eat, the more you can enjoy it?

• 33 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:22 am

  yeh definetly. i went to teh gym today too, so i guess i was a bit more hungry.

  i had home made curry and rice and a vegetable pakora. yum yum.
  wil have sum fruit or something later, maybe a pancake:D

  hows ur day n eating been?
  i just wanna get better and to do my ideal weight. Im sick of comments and nasty stares.
  x

• 34 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:51 am

  turns out the dr appt. is switched to thursday. my day’s okay so far but havent really eaten much. i know i should but i feel so nasty after eating 2 days of normal food… maybe i’ll eat something, so far ive only eated like a spoonful or two of ice cream…. what should i make/eat?

• 35 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:57 am

  just make something like toast, or have what ur mum made 4 dinenr maybe?
  cereal/
  have something starchy that will give u energy.
  FOOD IS MEDICATION.
  dont deprive ur body of it.

• 36 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 11:08 am

  i guess ill have sum cereal lol.

• 37 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2008 at 11:10 am

  aww thats good. well donen enjoy it
  im going to get sumthing to snck on
  whats ur msn agen?i’ll add you.
  mines is alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com

  x

• 38 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 17, 2008 at 1:15 pm

  mine is at_hawtmayl_dot_com@hotmail.com
  lol i like urs.
  enjoy ur snack

• 39 Shannon // Jun 18, 2008 at 3:58 pm

  i had my orientation for the day treatment yesterday and it went great. i was so excited to start the program on monday but then today they called me and told me that the insurance we (my parents) have wont cover any of the treatment…and it would be over $2000 per day for my parents to pay for. so in other words i cant go into the treatment. im so sad and discouraged. i was so ready to get better. and i had to have lab work done (in order to enter the treatment) and that all came back abnormal which is just more bad news.

• 40 Aliyah // Jun 19, 2008 at 1:35 am

  aww shannon thats such a shame
  butuno u sed u are ready to get better, so u will!
  is there anyother treatment places u can enter?

  ive had a hard two days, ive been to the gym, butnot eating to make up for it. so no more gym for me.
  xxx

• 41 Jessica Setnick // Jun 20, 2008 at 9:02 am

  Shannon, that is so twisted that your insurance company refuses to pay for your treatment. Your parents can fight this decision, and I hope that they do. NEDA, at http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org, has helpful advice for appealing insurance company decisions. I hope you will stick with your recovery regardless. You are worth it.

• 42 Kiki // Jun 20, 2008 at 9:58 am

  i just stumbled across this place. i think i am anorexic, no, i know i am, i just talked about it this week with my therapist, but i guess i downplayed it a bit, b/c she didnt provide me with any resources, and shes on vacation for the next few weeks. i lost another 3 lbs this week, and have hardly eaten in days. i cook for the family but cannot bring myself to eat. i have had eating disordered behaviour all my life, and finally in my mid thirties have realised i have a problem. i am 5 ft 6 and weigh 118. i know thats not awful, but 6 months ago i weighed 165…..and i cant stop wanting to lose more.

• 43 isabella mori // Jun 20, 2008 at 10:44 am

  hi kiki, and nice to meet you here. i hope you’ll find some inspiration and support here.

  it looks like you’re not always anorexic. what works for you when you aren’t?

• 44 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:34 am

  hi kiki im sorry to hear all this.
  u say u cook for ur familym, do they know about this? do they not ask why u dont eat with them?

  all i can say is you need to gain weight, ur body needs it. ino how easy it is to say, but to do it is hard, but one step at a time.
  recal the times when u never had this eatind disrder and how much happier n healthier u were.
  x

• 45 Saphire // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:34 am

  Hi everyone!!! I hope everyone is doing well, feeling well, and eating good!!! I am back from my holiday and I now know I can do it! I can have a totally normal holiday and normal life! I didnt exersise on the treadmill, and you know what? I didnt balloon or anything and my body feels like a new one. The energy I have is astounding to me.
  Im back to work and have other things going on right now and Im not so worried about food anymore! In fact, last night I went out on a spontaneous whim to a bar and lounge and had this amazing food- chicken tenders in garlic sauce and bread and then after went for a banana creme pie blizzard at Dairy Queen!! This was even after I had dinner at home and some cereal! And you know what? it was sooo good and not once did I feel guilty about it! Because I know that it is silly to worry about something we put in our mouth! I had such a good time. It was the first time in years that I went to a restuarant and ordered something I wanted to eat and not a salad. And then to top it off with ice cream? that tasted soo amazing? I am so happy with myself. I gave ana a very hard kick in the ass last night and I plan to do it from here onward. Last night I got a true sense of what normal is and its truly amazing.
  Please everyone- there is a great life to live for all of us. It is sooo much more than food. We should live- actually LIVE and enjoy every moment cause we only get one shot. Lets make it count.
  Best wishes to everyone. Happy and healthy right?!! Its been a while since Ive posted- well a week but I dont stop thinkin about all of you and wishing you all the very best.
  Oh and one last note- Shannon- fight the insurance company. This is ridiculous. Fight them for all you’ve got okay? xoxo

• 46 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:37 am

  sapphire- WOW thatsamazing amazing news! really i am SO proud i wish i cud tell u how much!!
  i was just having a rubbish day, restricted a little 2day but you just inspired me
  do u think going on ur holiday gave u that extra push u needed? hows ur energy levels, i bet they are soaring high?!
  thank u saphhire, ur comment jus encouraged me. i always seem to need to hear it from u first!

  do u mind me asking, like weight wise r u near ur ideal weight? no numbers, ino we r all mroe than a numberbut im just wondering!

  xx

• 47 Saphire // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:44 am

  Hey Aliyah! Ya, I think going on the holiday and realizing there is so much more to life than worrying about image or food definitely gave me the push I needed and Im totally sticking to it. I feel so unbelievable that I know I’ll never go back. I am so glad to have encouraged you!! You are a fighter and are so strong and I have no doubt whatsoever that you will beat this. You are winning already. Just keep going!!
  And as for my ideal weight? I still have a long ways so go. It has been only a month and a bit since I turned things around. And honestly, I threw out my scale last year so I have no idea what I even way. I am developing muscle, I do know that which is sooo wonderful!! Because I have been eating consistantly, my metabolism is on track again and so Im feeding my muscles the fuel they need! So im sure if I did weigh myself, I would be heavier than I look because muscle always weighs more than fat. But truthfully, I dont know. Scales are pointless, and you are so right, we are WAY more than a number!
  hugs Aliyah!! Eat good and you will feel good xx

• 48 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:48 am

  awww thanks sapphire!
  i actualluy feel better nd reauusres by you! really
  and i jus wanna say WELL DONE agen. Kepp it up, and your going to be so much better soo sooo soon!
  i feel really full and stuff jus now, even though i didnt eat that much, so instead of sittin in my room, lettin anorexia takeover, im going to go and sit with my family for a bit and keep my mind off it.

  hope work and everything goes really good!
  xx

• 49 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:49 am

  hi havent posted on this website for a while, but things are just getting better. yesterday i tried eating everything on my eating plan, cuz i new that i was losing and if i countinued i wud go back 2 hospital. and despite feeling quite full and uncomfortable, i enjoyed the food, chose what i actually wanted instead of what had least calories and afterwards felt just generally happy for the first time in ages. i thought i wud look so fat wen i looked in the mirror, but wen i looked, after working out a bit,i looked more toned and generally better. Did the same 2day and feel great again.Eating really is the answer.

• 50 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 12:27 pm

  boy wonder thats amazing greta news!
  really well done!
  EATING is the way foward!
  i ate a full fat sandwich today, and had butter on my bread which i usually avoid. i sncked and picked on food throughout the day too, to try nd rise the calorie level.
  i do feel uncomfortable, and a bit iffy but ino if i perserver the end result will be priceless.
  i mean i cannot let anorexia win!

  so wht did u eat? i cnt belive how much i deprive myself of yummy foods!

  x

• 51 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 12:46 pm

  loads! and i feel so good as well!
  i managed 2 have lunch at my skl for the first time in about 8 months, so altho i got a lot of looks and ppl were watchin me, that just motivated me 2 eat it all and show them i am me and only myself, and am not lettin anorexia take over my life. I had some bbq chicken which was really good, much better than half an apple! I also managed 2 ignore the apples and have a choc ice, which used 2 be fav, 4 dessert! it was yummy! i think today i also proved 2 my friends that i can get better and am finally now starting the road 2 recovery. i even got smiles from some of my teachers which was good. and its right there are so many people trying to cut down on nice foods 2 lose weight and we all need 2 gain weight and enjoy all the yummy food there is! On average how many calories do you eat at the moment? I usually try not 2 count, but am aiming 2 eat 2000 to 3000, do i need 2 increase any more when i exercise, as long as i gain steadily i can exercise, but i dont want 2 under do it or over do it to much.

• 52 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 12:51 pm

  umm i dont eat that much, i really have to increse
  about 1500 on average i think. need to up it to about 2500 i think. but its hard, im just tryin to introduce new foods n stuff i guess
  the other day i had veg lasagane, and it was yummy.
  but wel done on ur lunch! its gr8 news. dont worry about the stares and stuff, u jus stay true to urself n keep going.
  yeh if u exercise u definetly need to increase , even jus havin energy drinks n full calorie drinks ( no diet stuff) can hel increase intake.
  how tall are u roughly?
  n yeh defo, try not to think about numbers, when i do, i have a bad day.
  jus think whatever u eat is food, its not numbers!
  well done agen! really its inspiring.

• 53 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:01 pm

  im small only like 5 ” 1, 2 but also yvery young. anorexia has,accordin 2 my doctor, delayed me growing, so im eating to grow, aswell as replace lost weight more yummy food for me . out of intrest how tall and old are u? do u see a doctor/therapist?

• 54 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:03 pm

  omg haha im shorter than u! im just under 5ft but im 18!
  yeh anorexia and bulimia has stunted my growth
  its probably to late for me now, how old r u?
  yeh i see a counceller, not very often, i kinda avoid her to be honest cuse i hate being weighed n shes too strict, she wants me to gain at a much faster rate, but i go to slow.

  how underweight r u roughly anywys?

• 55 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:10 pm

  lol im 13 tho so i still have some hope and time. yer i hate being weighed so much, i think it holds me back and gives anorexia a chance 2 have a go at me. i have stopped being weighed cause i didnt think i would be able 2 gain at a weekly basis and see it on the scales but the last time i was weighed i was i think 77 pounds. and i have a broad build and was actually really gooda t rugby b4 my ed. but anyway i dont ever plan on weighing myself and to be honest none of us shud. we are people not numbers. do u have any main motivations 2 gain?

• 56 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:14 pm

  awwwww
  hmm yeah my main motivation is university, i start in september, n i wanna go, ANOREXIA free aand be able to go out to restaurants and socialise. I also need ot be healthy and strong, becauase uni is really hard work, an d i cnt be sitting restricting or not eating.

  yeh i hate being weighed, i deteste it! but my counceller has to do it, she sed she has to chart it,but for a while i gained uncontrollabley like 2 pounds a week, then it leveled off and im kinda stuck in that same sortaa weight jus now.

  how long u been in recovery? what motvates u?
  ur young , i was 12 when i first got an ED so belive me, gettinhelp now is the best thing u cud have done, cause by the time ur my age, U WILL BE FREE OF IT!

• 57 boywonderr // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:21 pm

  i got help about 3 months ago, but 2 be honest when i got help it sort of in a sick way motivated me 2 eat less and prove 2 them i was actually anorexic, cuz i thought i was 2 fat. I got hospitalised about a month and half ago, and after that i reli started 2 try and get better. my main motivations are sports, to be a normal teenager and 2 not cause my family so much pain and worry. thanks and im sure if u want it so much u will be able 2 beat it and go 2 uni normal and healthy!

• 58 Aliyah // Jun 20, 2008 at 1:25 pm

  awwww thank u:)
  ur lovely,u deserve a gret recovery,
  anorexia is soo powerful, and it will do ANYTHING to get onur way.
  it distorts all our thoughts, so next time u think im fat, look at the faacts, ur underweight, u are not fat n u never will be.

  yeh its definelty very tough on families but we can get thru it
  its gna make u such a strong person, i feel like my recovery is also makin me a stronger person.
  x

• 59 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 20, 2008 at 3:05 pm

  hey everyone!
  good job Saphire!!! I went to dq today and got a blizzard today too and you just inspired me to keep it in my tummy:D
  I think everyone here should go to DQ today and treat yourself to a blizzard!!
  We’ve all worked hard to try and overcome this and we deserve a treat!!
  don’t count the calories, all that counts is the taste:D its amazing!!!
  (cotton candy is the best!lol)

• 60 Saphire // Jun 20, 2008 at 3:44 pm

  SilentlyAwaits! That is so wonderful! yeah, arent blizzards the best? Ive not tried cotton candy but it just came out here and I love banana flavored stuff so banana cream pie had my name on it But Im most definitely going to try cotton candy next since you really liked it!!
  And I am so so so very happy you had one and enjoyed it and kept it in your tummy. That is a HUGE victory. And yes, we all deserve a treat! heck, we need to treat ourselves every single day, why not? Life is too short to deprive ourselves of what we want! Lets go for it! xx

• 61 Shannon // Jun 20, 2008 at 5:07 pm

  hey girls,
  Saphire and SilentlyAwaits-awesome job on eating better and going to DQ…blizzards are the best! Oreo and chocolate chip cookie dough are my favorites I think. The cheesecake ones are good too though (there isn’t a flavor I don’t like )

  As far as me, I was admitted to the hospital yesterday at the advice of my general family doctor. I had to have lab work done in order to start the partial hospitalization program (which I am going to get to do after all!) and my blood tests were all abnormal. They weighed me at the hospital and I’m 5’5″ and weigh 88 lbs. I never dreamed my weight had gotten that low (because I quit weighing myself). I ate a couple good meals at the hospital and while I did feel guilty and nervous about them my family and friends helped me through it. I also told two of my other friends about my ED and they came to see me in the hospital and were both so supportive of me and I think really kind of hurt that I didn’t tell them sooner because they want to help me so bad. I am so excited to start the program on Monday and really get better. Being put in the hospital was a real wake up call for me and it really made me realize that if I don’t get this under control now, I’m going to really do a lot of damage to my body, and not to mention my emotional status! I hope everyone can use this (and the great progress everyone else is making) as motivation to get help and beat anorexias butt! Good luck to everyone…I will keep you all posted on how I’m doing. Thanks for all your support!

• 62 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 20, 2008 at 7:06 pm

  I hope you’re all enjoying your blizzards!!!
  OH! update…the dr said i had to take…ensure or something… (just a health type drink) at least, so he’s at least making me take my vitamins:)
  he told my parents not to push my eating so he said drink at least one a day… but the only pickle (problem) is… my mom got the high cal. ones so it makes me not wanna take em as much … like, theres 355 cals per drink, but just the fact that it says “plus calories” its just kinda ruining it for me… and i know i obviously need to drink at least one a day but im scared i’ll slowly stop just cuz of that stupid little sign.
  anyways, thats the update
  but enjoy the blizzards:D and perhaps eat another one just so you can try another flavour xD

• 63 Natasha // Jun 21, 2008 at 1:51 am

  Hey guys,

  Shannon, it’s great that you’re going to get the treatment in the end! I’m so happy for you, I hope it goes well and it’s great that your friends are supportive.

  Saphire- I really admire you for all the food you’ve eaten and how well you’ve overcomed your fears. Same goes for all of you who haven’t restricted.

  I didn’t manage to read all the comments since I can’t see well after my lasic surgery so sorry if I left some stuff out . I haven’t been able to do much since I can’t see well so I’ve restricted quite a bit and I’m supposed to go to Phuket tomorrow but I havent’ recovered fully which sucks so I might not go. I’m also really freaked out cos I just weighed myself and I’m 5 pounds heavier than 3 days ago which should be impossible since I didn’t eat as much but then again I was sleeping most of the time. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do.

  I know I need to gain like 10kg by mid august which is also impossible and I’m lying to my parents about my weight so they think I only have 3kg left to gain. I’m so screwed.

• 64 Natasha // Jun 21, 2008 at 1:53 am

  Oh btw, this is the same Tasha as before, I just typed it in differently since I’m using another computer and probably won’t be able to post if I go to Phuket.

  Good luck everyone, hope you’re all doing better than me. I think I need the therapist in Singapore to be honest but we’ll see.

• 65 Aliyah // Jun 21, 2008 at 10:09 am

  silently awaits- well done on ur treat and keepin it in ur tummy! just as sapphire sed its a huge achievement and well done. its truely inspiriing. dont worry about the drinks, dont look at the label. treat it as a milkshake, or somethng yummy. you need it, so enjoy it!

  shannon- well done on ur meals at the hospital. just think how ur rewarding ur body, and its loving you for it! and about ur friends too, well done, it must be nice to have extra support eh. And they want u to get better, like everyone else, so use it as a motivation. u dnt want anorexiaa to spoil anything so really, enjoy ur food, and kick anorexia in th bum! good luck, for monday, keep it up ur going to be rid of this awful disease keep telling urself that.

  tasha- weight fluntuates all the time, and it cna by up to like half a stone, so really its not proper weight. stuff liek fluid, water and waste can account for any excess weight. I used to weigh myself all the time, n itused to go up and down so much it freaked me out, so try not too .
  u need to gain 10kg, its not impossible. just do it in slow steps and u wil achive it! break it down into weekly or daily tagrtes and u’ll be there in no time.
  good luck if u do go to phuket, if not, have a gd non restricing days. feed ur body, reward urself ok!

  as for me guys ive had an ok day. ate all my dinner, and it was yummy, even had sum mango juice after. my boyfriend puts sugarin my tea today too, ( i usually avoid it, extra calories) but it was yummy and im going to add soem from now on!
  i keep thinkin about how im going to look when i reach my idel weight, n it scares me a bit, but at the same time, i jus wanna get there and priove anorexia rong.

  keep going guys, u all truely inspire me!

  sapphire- what can i say?! u really have come so far and done sooo well. keep it up, cause your doing amazing!

• 66 Kiki // Jun 21, 2008 at 4:24 pm

  most of my adult life i have been underweight. the only reason i was ever overweight was when i was pregnant, and then when i was on a a bunch of psych meds after a complete emotional breakdown (2.5 years ago after my husband walked out). since i came off the meds i lost most of the weight without effort, and now it seems i want to push myself to lose even more.

  i have a terrible relationship with food. my therapist asked me to write about why i dont eat, and it was a painful exercise. its about control, i think. when i cannot control what is going on around me, at least i can control my weight. i had a lousy childhood, was forced to diet at the age of 2, had an abusive mom. i married young – 20 (i weighed 105 on my wedding day), had 4 kids (the lights of my life). i have custody of my kids, and if it wasnt for them i wouldnt have pulled thru. i sit and eat supper with them daily, but never a full meal, i get up from the table for any excuse, and i push food around my plate.

  why do other people starve themselves? when i get thru the day and i have only eaten 200 calories there is a perverse thrill, even tho i know logically it is wrong and unhealthy, and long term i am depriving my kids of the greatest gift i could give them – ME. but i dont know how to stop, i dont know if i want to stop.

• 67 Saphire // Jun 21, 2008 at 6:55 pm

  Hey everyone!
  I hope everyone is staying strong and fighting hard. We have to fight extra hard to win this one! Its possible for each and every one of you guys. There is so much life to enjoy and theres no sense in worrying about what we eat and how much we eat. There is good food out there so lets enjoy it! Congrats to you guys for staying strong!
  Shannon- Im so pleased to hear you are going to be going into the program! That is really truly wonderful! And Aliyah- is tea not better with sugar in it? I recently started putting real sugar into my tea and coffee and not splenda. So much better both taste and health wise. And really, who cares if there is sugar in one’s drink? That is great to hear you have a boyfriend who obviously cares so much about you
  Im doing good. Actually, tonight I went out for dinner. I had a cobb salad- thats a salad with everything : ham, turkey, lettuce, tomato, egg, and cheese! Very yummy. And I had the dressing with it- non fat. And then you know what? I went and bought myself another ice cream- haha I had the cotton candy blizzard this time SilentlyAwaits! And yes, it is very very good! Im telling you guys this- not to brag or anything, please dont take it that way. Im telling you guys this because it is possible to win. I am winning. Everytime I say eff off to ana I win. And you know what? The more I say it the more times I win. Its very possible to beat this thing. We just need to fight very very hard.
  Healthy and HAPPY!!!! ENJOY the food out there! We only live once. Lets make it worthwhile!!!!!!!
  xxxx

• 68 Aliyah // Jun 22, 2008 at 1:31 am

  spphire- wow well done on ur dinner nd ince cream!!
  sounds yummy, and no way ur enthusiasm encourages EVERYONE. i always think of u, and how well u r doing andi want to be doing the same.
  keep it up! ur doing soo brilliant! have ur parents sed anything about ur amazing success?

  kiki- i know its so hard. i never new why i used to starve myself, i think for me it was my way of dealing with stressful situations. i thought if i keep losong weight, then im achieving somehting. But thats not the real us, thats anorexia playing with our mind. its scary how it alters our perception of food and control. when anorexia takes over , we feel we are in control, but we r not. ask urself, by not eating enuff,w hat does it achicve? a false sense of achievement?
  thats about it, you just need to learn, as u eat, u REgain sum weight, u fel better, u have energy, u want to be full of energy and enthusiaam,,when ur with ur kids, not feeling hungry.
  youve been thru a lotof stress, im sure this is just ur way of coping, u hide ur felings by not eating. Thats why its difficult for u to adress because its maybe hdiing or bringing bak painful memories?

  you just need to learn other ways to deal with stress and life rather than not eating.
  i hope this was of sum help.

  today im going to try have a gd day girls, and eat well!
  got lots to regain, so i shud be enjoying it!

  xx

• 69 Saphire // Jun 22, 2008 at 8:18 am

  Good morning everyone!
  Thanx Aliyah- you’re so sweet! I definittely hope that it motivates all you guys to do the same- ‘enjoy life-eat dessert first’ And the only one in my family that knows about my ed is my mom, my dad doesnt live with me. But she is super happy. When I went out with her to the bar and lounge the other night and ate something that I actually wanted and then the ice cream afterwards, I’ve never seen her happier. She told me that I gave her the best gift she’s ever gotten that night. A night out with her daughter- a NORMAL night out and of enjoyment. So that was really wonderful, and just one more reason to keep this up because I am winning. I feel stronger and better mentally everyday!!!
  Kiki- just like Aliyah, my ed began with stress overload in my life. A million different very complicated things to deal with in my life. And so this was something I could finally control. It is usually all about control and the less you eat, the more it seems like an ‘achievement.’ This is a FALSE achievment. All we are really achieving by starving ourselves is a slow death and a miserable unhappy life.
  When you eat, you don’t gain back ‘weight’ you regain your life back. To be happy and healthy is the most important thing in life. Food gives you energy and the vitality you need to LIVE and enjoy every moment of life because each moment, I think, is precious and every moment that is consumed by anorexia is a moment wasted. This is what I believe, and its true isnt it? Life is way too short! Anyway, best of luck Kiki! We are all here for you to support you in any way we can.
  Everyone- have an amazing day. Eat well and you’ll feel amazing xo

• 70 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 22, 2008 at 10:03 am

  hey again everyone!
  I had another blizzard yesterday:D lol. Last night was my brothers grad banquet so it was fun, it went until midnight. I just got fillings and something is weird and it hurts to chew so i could only eat the potatoes at the dinner:( but they were amazing!!!. Anyways yeah, even since i have been eating more than usual, i havent really gained weight yet, im wondering if its cuz my body is just using all the nutrients right away because i was so starved? anyways yeah its weird. Thats about all i can think of writing cuz… my mind is blank:P but ill probably talk more later.

• 71 Aliyah // Jun 22, 2008 at 10:43 am

  sile tly awaits- well done on yet anuther achievement! glad u enjoyed the banquet! dont worry about regaining, everyones bodies are different, some gain faster, some slower. int ime it will happen. And of course a lot of the food, will be used to ‘fix’ the body inside. keep it up!

  sapphire- aw thats so nice to hear about ur mum! definetly use it as amotivation, itsgreat !

  i had an ok day. i had sugar in my tea, butter on my bread, all my dinner. didnt have much at breaksfat though. will have a little snack later too.

  we r all winning!:D
  x

• 72 Aliyah // Jun 23, 2008 at 12:12 pm

  hello
  i just wanna say i had a really good day food wise
  i added butter 2 my bread at lunch, i had a chicken wrap for dinner with the sauce and had 2 ice lollies
  and i feel sooo good n proud and i really wanted to share it all with u.
  really eating makes u feel so much better! i feel energised and cnt wit for anuther successful day tomorow!
  woo!
  hope everyone else is good!
  x

• 73 Saphire // Jun 23, 2008 at 2:46 pm

  Aliyah- that is amazing! Dont you find that the more you win over ana, the stronger you feel and the more times you just don’t care about food? like you know it doesnt really matter. It tastes good so why not have it?! I know Im finding that. And soo soo much energy!
  Last night I found I was hungry and craving like everything in my house so you know what? I ate and I ate until I was satisfied. Let me tell you, this took many bowls of cereal and even some cake and other snacks but it was good and I know that I need it and I dont feel one bit guilty about it. If a person craves something- this is the body’s way of telling you that you need food. Even if you’re not hungry- because I ask my mom and a nutritionist “Im not hungry yet I still WANT something”. Trust me- the body is still hungry.
  And this morning I had like 4 cups of cereal and some poppyseed cake after because I wanted it and I mean, its only food right? Big deal! And it tasted so good
  The more a person restricts, the weaker you get mentally and the more you start listening to ana and that is NOT good, so please Aliyah, enjoy your food and eat a lot of it. And if you eat like you ate today- eating what you wanted and realizing its only food, and we need it and frankly it doesnt matter, you will DEFINITELY have another successful day tomorrow.
  We NEED to gain weight- I know thats on the back of all our minds- ‘we know we need to eat and we want to but we dont want to gain weight’ Well the reality of it is- we are all bone thin and its not good. Lets get our figures back- we are women and so we should look like ones Stay strong hun- you are doing SO well! I am so happy and so very proud of you!
  Everyone else- keep strong and enjoy your day and your food!!!!!!!! Healthy and HAPPY!
  xo

• 74 Kiki // Jun 23, 2008 at 3:05 pm

  with the kids home from school now its harder to not eat. how do i eat and not feel guilty? how do i step on the scale and be happy that i gained a pound? why is my brain so messed up?

• 75 Aliyah // Jun 24, 2008 at 1:04 am

  sapphire- omg omg omg! that is amazing!!! all the lovely food that ur body needs! and YES i find that when i eat and ignore ana i feel better, i sumtimes sit n think im nt gna eat all of this, but when i start, then i always go, forget it, im finishing it all cause its so good. well done sapphite, n u dont even feel guilty way to go! ana’s losing badly to you !
  and dont worry i defionetly will enjoy my food today, thanks soooo much. just reading tht motivates me so much!
  have a great day of lots of food too! you are doing more than amazing, you r doing fantastic, and your 100% right about everything!

  Kiki- imsoryr to hear that., Its anrexia playing with your mind, telling it false fcts. the best way, is to eat, yes u may fel guilty but the more ueat, it strts to go away belive me!
  and dont weigh urself, having a number in ur head does not help at all.
  just take a minute, think to urself, this is just food that my body needs. Just like my kids needit. you make sure ur kids get all the nutriontion they need, so do the sme for yourself.
  When ur mind is deprived of food, it lacks minerals and vitamins so everything may seem worse to you when its not. You need to eat to not only gain weight , but to have a healthy state of mind.

  x

• 76 Shannon // Jun 24, 2008 at 6:49 pm

  Hey guys! My first day of the day treatment was a little rough yesterday. It was really weird sitting down and having “normal” meals but it was good. Today went really well. I feel so positive and I know I’m going to beat this. Being in the treatment and seeing the other girls has shown me that they eat all this food (more than they are even making me eat) and they look good. They have given me some insite on how to deal with things and how to not think about the things I’m eating so much, rather than just eating it. Today I felt like I had so much more energy and I just felt like a much happier person in general. I see that a lot of people have it worse off than me and I know I can beat this. 2 girls finished the program today and they both looked so healthy and pretty. It was really encouraging to see that people can, do and will beat this stupid ED! One thing I think is weird though is that I don’t feel like they are making me eat very much. I haven’t really felt full at any point and could definitely eat more if they asked me to. I think this is weird and I kind of don’t like it just because if I’m going to eat I at least want to feel full (though I don’t want to feel stuffed and bloated). All the other patients tell me that they just start you off slow and then they bump you up pretty fast to start gaining weight and that I should just wait because I’ll start to get really full…so we’ll see. The whole first week the nutritionist picks my meals for me so its a big surprise what I’ll be having everyday. Its nice not having to plan what I’m going to have and also nice not having to worry about weighing/measuring everything out. So all in all I’m feeling really positive and know I’m going to beat this!

  Aliyah and Sapphire-You guys are both doing awesome!!! Its so encouraging for me to see that you guys are doing so well…especially on your own! You are totally kicking ana’s butt and I’m so proud of both you! Keep up the good work!!

• 77 Aliyah // Jun 25, 2008 at 12:26 am

  shannon- honestly reading that is so encouraging. If u want to get better u WILL. its good, that your encourged and motivated by everyone. Im soo prou, your gnna beata thing thing. If u ever feel scared dont, worry about it, its all going to benefit u in the near future!
  ur kikin anas butt! well done, keep it up and enjy ur food. hope u stay energised n keep going lovely!

• 78 Sara // Jun 25, 2008 at 6:20 am

  Hey everyone! I’m so glad that something like this exists.
  I’m recovered from my 2nd bout of anorexia. I am 6′ and was down to about 109 lbs.
  Now, I’m up to 157, which is about 15 lbs. over what my athletic trainer (I’m an athlete) says I should be. I work out really hard and eat very healthfully (balanced), but I feel like my metabolism is crawling and I just can’t get back to looking proportional (pre-ED). My stomach looks like a pregnant belly (really), but my arms are thin and spindly.
  Did this happen to any of you? Help! I’m so worried that if I can’t get myself in a healthy weight range, I’ll slip back into anorexia.
  Love,
  Sara

• 79 Aliyah // Jun 25, 2008 at 6:22 am

  heyy
  weight distirbution over time, will even out. My counceller sed it always alwyas does, ur body just has to learn to trust you.
  all my wieghts gone t my tummy n waist area, and ino over time it will even out.

  are u inur healthy weight range? or near it?
  x

• 80 Sara // Jun 25, 2008 at 6:37 am

  Hey Aliyah,

  Nah, I’m 15 lbs. over, according to my trainer.
  I never imagined that I’d be a fat girl. I know that it’s a long way to recover, but it sucks.
  How are you? At your goal weight?
  -S

• 81 Aliyah // Jun 25, 2008 at 6:39 am

  your not a fat girl! ur in ur healthy weight range, be proud!
  im ok yeh, jus at a gd stag einr ecovery. got a whwile to go yet befor ei get to my ideal weight, but i’ll get there. slowly but surely.
  i am finding as i eat more, i feel more hungry n have more energy. its great!

  x

• 82 Sara // Jun 25, 2008 at 6:43 am

  That’s great! It took me so long to get back to a healthy weight and stop freaking out if I didn’t know exactly what was in everything I ate. It was a big accomplishment when I actually went out to dinner with friends and enjoyed it.
  congrats, and hang in there. everything gets better.

• 83 Aliyah // Jun 25, 2008 at 6:49 am

  thanks. everything is beginning to feel better!
  i feellike im winning!
  im going out tonight to a club with friends, so its a new challenge with al the calories n stuff in alcohol, but im jus gna enjoy myself, nt not letit get to me!

  thanks, ur doing really good too. all the ‘fat’ feelings will go to. uve come so far, recovery iss so hard, its nice to know it is achievable!
  x

• 84 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 25, 2008 at 3:18 pm

  hey guys!
  i feel stupid bout asking this but w/e… is having a high metabolism good or not? like… is ur metabolism really high or low when it makes ur belly poof out like a basketball when u eat? lol
  i ate lots yesterday:D i couldnt really eat much (besides drinks) today cuz i went to the dentist aagain and they put in another filling (i had 3 yrs of braces so my teeth were bad lol)so anyways my mouth is sore and it hurts to chew…
  but yeah, if anyone could answer my question thatd b good xD

• 85 SilentlyAwaits // Jun 25, 2008 at 3:24 pm

  kay i am stupid
  so we have very Low metabolism…ness correct?
  cuz when i went to the dr, i was having trouble with all my depression and sleeping pills and stuff… they work for a week then just stop… he said i might have a rare case called “rapid metabolism”… im so confused now lol

• 86 Aliyah // Jun 26, 2008 at 3:55 am

  hey silently awaits
  fast metablism is when ur body burns food fast, so it needs more n more.
  we , all prolbbaly have slow ones because our bodies were starved and our metabolisms have slowed down, but as we eat more it wil speed up

  the poofy stomach sounds liek bloatedness to me. its just our bodies gettn used to food agen.
  hope that was of some help!
  x

• 87 Aliyah // Jun 28, 2008 at 11:56 am

  hey how is everyone?
  i had a gd day 2day, snackedon food througout the day as well as my meals n snacks
  i went out to dinner last nite with my bf n ordered a pasta instead of something like soup n it was so yummy.

  i hope tomorow is as gd a day

  x

• 88 Saphire // Jun 28, 2008 at 6:20 pm

  Aliyah! You dont know how much that makes me happy that you ordered something you wanted and enjoyed it. You should treat yourself like that each day. You need it. Its funny, I havent posted in a while because I havent really felt the need to. I mean I havent felt guilty about anything Ive eaten in the last two weeks. Im eating roughly 2500 cals a day and whatever I want really. Today I had a berry scone for lunch, and two ice creams and a heafty dinner. I feel amazing and Ive never felt happier. I have eaten like this for two weeks now and I have not felt guilty about it once. Its amazing what food can do, so please order pasta and order whatever you want. Enjoy it The more you do this the easier it gets. I am living this part and its amzing. Please keep it up and in no time, I promise you, you will be normal again, its so easy and its wonderful. xxxx

• 89 Aliyah // Jun 29, 2008 at 1:02 am

  sapphire-thank u so much. that is soo enouragung and motivating!
  im definetly going to have a gd day thanks to you!
  and s for you! well done. im glad ur enjoying everything and not feeling guilty. wht an achievement! its amazing. Keep trying new and different foods and enjoy the taste.
  see when i went to the restaurant, my bf said after, it was so nice going out to eat with you. sohopefully we will agen soon!

  i do feel a little bit guilty sumtimes when i eat, i dont exercise really at all, exccept walking around places.
  hows ur exercise regime been like since u went on ur holiday?
  i have a music festival in 2 weeks, and im going to be camping for 3 nites, and i know its going to be a huge new challenge, as i’ll have to eat burgers and chips and stuff, BUT i canot wait to!

  x

• 90 Saphire // Jun 29, 2008 at 8:12 am

  Oh Im so envious of your camping trip and the music festival! That sounds like a ton of fun! And the burgers and chips and snacks there will be oh so yummy! Enjoy it all!!!! And do not feel guilty about any of it! Life is far too short to worry about food!
  I havent really been exercising either. I realize now that if I exercise, I wont really gain any weight and I really really want to gain weight. I need to gain weight so no, I just walk around places like you I went to the beach yesterday and had to (well I didnt HAVE to) wear a long sleeved white shirt because my arms are just so well, you know, matchstick and veiny and it just doesnt look good. I see all the women on their houseboats and on the sand with beautiful curvy bodies, with a chest and an ass and I have like none of that. Im 21 and I look like a boy, so I really want to gain weight. It will look so so much better and so good. So ya, no more exercise. And the thing is too tho, I mean as we keep eating more and consistantly, our metabolisms are speeding up so it gets harder and harder to put on weight! And besides, I have so much more energy and am happier than ever. So please Aliyah, keep up your great work! You are doing so very well. I bet your boyfriend is so unbelievably happy that he can take his girlfriend out to eat and have her enjoy the food, because its good! Right?!
  I hope you and everyone else has/ had a wonderful day! Food’s medication remember, and healthy and happy is the MOST important thing in life.

• 91 Aliyah // Jun 29, 2008 at 11:16 am

  sapphire thanks. i love hearing from you,its sooo encouraging seriously.
  ive enjoyed my food so much the last two days. agen today i had a good day. im jus havin a chocolate ice lolly just now, its my second one and its sooooooooooo tasty.

  theres soo many lovely food to try n eat and we should be enjoying it.
  hope u keep doing this well sapphire coz ur gna be completely recovered in no time!

  nyeah i agree, i alwys look at girls, with a little bum, or hips and they look so good. i look like a little boy, i need to let my body be wht it naturally is.
  thanks! caant wait for tomorrows food! yum yum!
  x

• 92 Saphire // Jun 29, 2008 at 4:38 pm

  Oh Im so happy Aliyah- you are doing so wonderful and it is a pleasure to read all your recent posts as it is clearly obvious you are doing so well. And I bet that ice lolly is amazing! I actually picked up a carton of vanilla ice cream at the store today! I love vanilla flavored EVERYTHING And there is so much good food out there and yes we should most definitely enjoy every bit of it! Lets get the most out of life hey?! Talk to ya soon and tomorrow for you will be just as amazing as it was today- just keep up EXACTLY what you are doing. ANd you will also be recovered in no time. Hey dont you know- we are winning!!!!!! xox

• 93 SilentlyAwaits // Jul 1, 2008 at 9:00 am

  hey guys:D i’ve been eating pretty normally too:D
  and i havent exercised in a long time im pretty excited.
  And you’re both right, it does make u happier and more energized:D

• 94 Aliyah // Jul 1, 2008 at 9:36 am

  silently awaits- im soo happy for you!
  that is excellent to hear!
  have u been eating lots of new and different foods?

  i had a huge roll at lunch today, and it tasted sooo good . i enjoyed lal of it, and it was big.
  lifes to shortt to restrict!
  x

• 95 Lou // Jul 1, 2008 at 3:34 pm

  Hi, I’m Lou and I’m 15 years old and 5 foot 5. I think I have an eating disorder, but I’ve never said it out loud. I remember about 3 months ago, I decided to go on a ‘diet’ because I felt ‘fat’ and ‘gross’. I weighed about 145-150lbs at that point. I know this sounds huge but I’ve got a pretty big frame and I am mostly muscle, (I’m a dancer – modern). It started off me watching what I was eating… and exercising more (even though I already did 10+ hours a week). Then I think I became… obsessed a bit. I became a vegetarian, (to cut out calorie intake) and restricted myself to 1000 calories a day. After that I started to constrict to 500, then 300, and now to 150. My thoughts are always on how I look, how much I weigh, how much anyone I see weighs, how fat I am, how disgusting I am, how much of a failure I am, etc. I don’t know what to do. I am supposed to be going to Canada as an exchange student in November and my application has to be in by the end of this month. I want to go so badly but I know they won’t accept me if I have an eating disorder. I’ve started to try and eat more… but it’s so, so hard. Last week I was 106 lbs. I’m currently just 110 lbs. What can I do….? I don’t want to be the ‘fat’ girl again, I can’t do it. Even looking at all these posts, I find myself disgusted because I’m almost… jealous of these girls who say ‘I was 85 pounds’ and ‘I was in hospital’. I know, because I’m around 110 lbs, I’m fat, I know that, and I feel…so horrible at times. I sometimes realise though that this isn’t the right kinda of things to be thinking of. Gah, I don’t know what to do. Help me, please…

• 96 Tasha // Jul 2, 2008 at 12:27 am

  Hey,

  Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I admitted to my parents my true weight- 86 pounds and got hell for it but now, my dad’s pretty supportive, he says he’ll do it with me so I can still go to boarding school. I have 7 weeks to get myself into shape and clean up my act. I haven’t counted or measured for the past 4 days, I threw out all the low fat cheese and milk, I stopped myself from checking the calories, I still feel quite scared but so much more relieved at the same time. I think I’m getting like 2500-3000 calories a day now, I’m not really counting but I’m eating at least two ice creams a day, red meat, biscuits and stuff cos I have so little time left.

  I’m playing well for tennis now, I had a tuna mayo sandwich and a double mushroom swiss burger king from BK with the set and coke and everything which felt good. I’m hoping I can keep this up, my parents are watching my food so in a way I have to but I’m glad I’m not alone.

  Lou, you have to pull yourself out of this. It’s so hard and so easy to relapse but if you don’t choose to help yourself first, no one else can. If this goes on for a long time, you’ll find it really hard to think straight and life just revolves around how little food you should take. We deserve so much more, to be happy and enjoy our food. As anorexics, I think we all LOVE FOOD, but we’re just so afraid of eating it. You’re not a failure, never tell yourself that. It’s the hardest thing to fight it but the worst thing would be if you gave in- then, you’d be a failure.

  Aliyah and Saphire, thank you for being such an inspiration. I had to skip Phuket but that was for the better- it just showed me how many opportunities I’d miss if I stayed anorexic. I have my whole life ahead of me, I’m not going to let anorexia get in the way of my dreams. None of us should let it.

• 97 Aliyah // Jul 2, 2008 at 12:37 am

  tasha- im glad to hear you have lotsof support.
  and that u learned something by not going to phuket. dnt let ana take away anything else please. you will regret it when ur older.
  just try to eat and enjoy the foods, so u can go to your school and egt to your weight.
  its good ur not calorie counting and stuff, it does help.
  i am ever so proud of u throwin away the low fat stuff. You dont need it, just give ur body proper food. it deserves it.
  keep it up tasha.

• 98 Aliyah // Jul 2, 2008 at 1:22 am

  Lou- im so sorry to hear about ur eating disorder. Like tasha said u deserve to get out of it.
  anorexia will play and mess up ur thoughts. everything about body, fatness and food is false, and u have to get urself out of it.
  you need to feed your body and mind of food, so you can realise there is more to life than being obsessed abotu food.
  being thin doesnt mean anything.
  have u been to a doctor?
  you dont want anorexia to get in the way of ur dance career do u?
  I mean we all know how u feel, the thoughts about food and shape plague the mind, but u need to learn to ignore it, and realise there is more to life.dont be jealous of anyone who weighs less. they all feel terrible, and ill themselves and want to get better.
  do the same

• 99 Saphire // Jul 2, 2008 at 7:51 am

  Tasha! I am so very very proud of you!!!! Please keep up the amazing work. You will win. xo

• 100 Lou // Jul 2, 2008 at 5:17 pm

  thank you everyone… this is a BIG help. I ate my first proper dinner last night with my family…. scary. I didnt think i’d be able to do it.

• 101 SilentlyAwaits // Jul 2, 2008 at 6:32 pm

  hey Lou
  I’m SO proud of you!!! I have to admit, when i first joined this group i was scared everyone would think i was fat too. I’d never been in the hospital and was actually DISSAPPOINTED in myself!
  So i can totally relate to that part.
  the truth is… you honestly have to work at it! I decided i don’t wanna be taken over by ana. I wanted to be me, not what anorexia thought of me. The best choice i made was i told my parents. if you haven’t already, TELL THEM! theyre not gonna be mad! they’ll be scared for YOUR life.
  They care–and so do we!
  eating supper with ur family is HUGE!!!-you deserve a blizzard:D and from now on, hide ur scale-numbers in ur head do nothing but cause stupid shame-which at our age (im fifteen too!)is ridiculous! We’re teens, we should eat whatever we want:D we deserve it!
  if you ever wanna chat, my email is at_hawtmayl_dot_com@hotmail.com i got msn too so yeah:D
  good luck and kik ana’s booty:D ur off to a great start!:D

• 102 SilentlyAwaits // Jul 2, 2008 at 6:40 pm

  OH!!! AND! YOU knew you could eat dinner, ana was the one thinking it couldnt!
  Now, for me, i started with the dietition (dunno if i already told u guys bout that) but this is my second visit. The lady i have so SUPER nice, shes actually a counselor so she’s mixin the nutrition stuff with the hurt and stuff… in week two she already got me crying! (it was kinda embarassing) but i feel like i actually understand why i became the way i did… i always wanted to be accepted and no one said they were proud of me…so i became the “quiet girl” bottling everything up and thats the way i lived for the past like… 10 yrs-thats right, since kindergarden!… anyways i only got those “you look pretty” statements when i was skinny so i made the connection. if no ones proud of me then they can atleast think im pretty-then i made4 the biggest mistake of my life.
  The rest you know and i’ll update u on more when i figure it all out
  Anyways i restricted a couple days this week cuz i was depressed (whenever im depressed i stop eating…not cool!) but when i was in my “happy” moods i could eat quite a bit…for me. i was excited:D k cant think of anything else to write:P
  BUT! I have this crazy feeling that we’re ALL gonna overcome this stupid thing called anorexia.. we’re gonna be ourselves and NORMAL!:D Remember: We HAVE anorexia, we AREN’t anorexia! And we WILL beat it!

• 103 Aliyah // Jul 3, 2008 at 1:22 am

  silenrtly awaits- thats great! You made the connections and now you know why! Now u can jus move on and regain ur weight yes?:D
  and when u feel depressed eat something try , try ur damn best and dont let ana get in the way! cause when u feel down u can eat. of course u can! ana says u cant! and shes always wrong!
  so try eat anything, jus a little and beat her!
  keep it up though

  Lou- well done! thats excellent. Im sure ur parents wud be so proud. did u enjoy it? i bet u did, cause uno u deserve it!
  keep it up!

  ive been good too, had sum popcorn yesterday not a lot but sum.
  Im tryin to limit the diet stuff in my diet, which is going well.
  when i go out now, i always try n go for the high calorie drinks.
  lets enjoy life. and alll the food init!

  x

• 104 Aliyah // Jul 5, 2008 at 11:40 am

  hello all
  i jus wanna say i feel sooo full, but not guilty!
  ino i deserve it!
  yes i feel uncomfortable but i enjoyed it all and im jus gna relax n let the feeling pass.
  i jus wnna say keep going everyone!

• 105 Saphire // Jul 5, 2008 at 5:45 pm

  Aliyah- ever so proud of you. You keep doing so well and I am so happy for you. You should feel full and yes, you most definitely deserve it. Remember, a normal person is supposed to feel full after they eat. The body is then telling you it is satisfied. Every time you eat and eat until you want no more is a victory. The more victories you get under your belt, the faster you will be recovered. Please keep this up, you have come soo far. Do NOT give in to ana so your amazing work has been for nothing. Be strong and keep right on fighting like you are doing. And hey, the more you win, the less it feels like a fight doesnt it?
  Your a wonderful person Aliyah and have so much strength in you. Just keep on going hun- you are winning. xox

  To everyone else- healthy and happy remember? Those are the most important things in life. Choose to live and really LIVE!!

• 106 Aliyah // Jul 6, 2008 at 1:35 am

  sapphire- thank youuu! your so sweet and i needed to hear that from you. it really keeps me motivated.
  and im getting to the stage, where i dont care wwhat ana says, or how i look, i jus wanna enjoy a meal and not think about calories and how i look .

  i wud definetly say im ona much higher level of recovery now.
  how have u been? fine n well ihope?

  x

• 107 Saphire // Jul 6, 2008 at 8:26 am

  Hello Aliyah! Yes, I would also say you are on a higher level of recovery-advanced most definitely. Really, who cares what a person looks like. There is much more to life than the size of your thighs haha thats what my mum says and its totally true. You have so much to offer this world. Looks do not matter whatsoever. You should enjoy your food and not think about the calories in it. There is so much good food out there and you completely deserve to have and enjoy it all! You’re kickin ana’s butt Aliyah and Im ever so proud of you!
  I am good as well. I am around where you are in recovery I think. Its only been two months but Ive been consistantly eating whatever I want and Im assuming its in the 2500-3000 cal range so my mind is clear and rational and I can see that there is more to life than food. Its true when people get admitted to the eating disorders program, doctors put them on 3000 + cals everyday and the person is ready to leave in a couple of months pretty much recovered. If a person restricts, they are only setting themself back. So I, like you, are focused on recovery 100 % and so yeah, I definitely think Im much much better than I was 2 months ago!
  Keep up your amazing work Aliyah. You inspire everyone on here. You inspired me for sure, and kept me going. Knowing that you are doing so well keeps me going so please please do not restrict, dont diet, eat whatever you want and enjoy it each and every day. You deserve it!!!! And your body deserves it. xox

• 108 Aliyah // Jul 6, 2008 at 10:35 am

  thanks sapphire again. i had a good day yeh, and i look foward to eating
  and im going to have a nice snack soon.
  theres more to life than anorexia, im so glad we have realised this.
  this journey is going to and makin us much stronger as people
  keep it up, just keep eating nd eating and getting better and better, you are doing yourself a huge favour and you’ll enjoy life more!

  x

• 109 SilentlyAwaits // Jul 6, 2008 at 8:01 pm

  Hey all.
  today was pretty good ate many delicious calories .just thought id update

• 110 Jaycee // Jul 8, 2008 at 8:37 am

  Hey,

  This is my first time commenting. I just recently admitted that I have an eating problem to my mom. She is really supportive, but she doesn’t understand the daily struggle that I have to eat. I am trying to eat something at every meal just to get in the habit of having three meals a day, but it is very difficult. I have also started drinking a lot more water because I used to restrict my beverage intake. It is hard to see the scale go up to numbers that I haven’t seen in almost two years, but I know that I need to do this for my health. I was just looking for some support from people that understand what it is like to feel this way. I am afraid of gaining, but I know that I need to!

• 111 Aliyah // Jul 8, 2008 at 8:42 am

  hello
  aw its nice to hear u are on the recovery path.
  as u REgain weight, u gain ur life bak.
  its a horrible thing an dno one shud ever endure anorexia so I think what your doing is soo good. Just try and eat whatever u can at each meal and slowlyt increase it.
  you should go to ur docotor who can refer u to a nutrioniost so your body gets all the right vitamins and minerals.
  Just remember your not alone! your always going to have bad days and you may feel like resticiting but dont. You r in control not the eating disorder. restrciting food doesnt do anything , we dont achieve anything except weak bones and feeling lethargic .

  try the something fishy website. its got really helpful stuff on it.
  lots of luck!
  x

• 112 Saphire // Jul 8, 2008 at 11:47 am

  Hello Jaycee,
  Yes exactly as Aliyah said- when you regain weight you regain your life back. You dont want to live like this do you? I dont think so. You feel miserable and food consumes your whole life. It is a gross way to live, and really, you are not living. I totally know this is so hard, its a tough fight every single day but understand, you NEED to gain weight in order for you to be healthy and live the way life is meant to be lived!

  You have so much strength in you- that is obvious as you know you need to fight and you want to. You want to be healthy and happy! Throw out the scale- you dont need it. We are more than numbers- and really the scale doesnt show anything. A person can be as skinny as a rail and weigh quite a lot but its not fat weight, its muscle weight and muscle is good! We need muscle- the more muscle we have in our bodies, the more bad fat we burn so its good to have it!
  And keep on drinking loads of water as it increases metabolism. Eat three meals a day and snacks in between and ya I think a nutritionist would definitely be a great help!
  I know what you feel like, exactly what you feel like. I was there a couple of months ago but I have been eating consistantly 3 nice sized meals a day, snacks and really, whatever I want to eat- including good treats like ice cream and such. I am so so much happier. Food is no longer the all consuming thing in my life. Sure, I think about the calories and such, but then I realize there is far more in life than looks and thinking about food all the time and ‘oh my gosh is it going to make me fat?!’ No- its not going to make me fat. I am giving my body the nutrients and the fuel it needs to live my life at its best!
  I believe you want to live like this too right? You can do it! You have it in you- dont let anorexia beat you down- stand up to it and choose to live!!!
  When you need the support we are all here for you. We know what you are going through… be strong
  All the best to you and everyone else!

  Aliyah- how are you doing? still going strong? I hope so! I hope you are having a great time off of school! When are you going to uni? xo

• 113 Aliyah // Jul 8, 2008 at 12:00 pm

  hey sapphire! im good yes! today i had a challenging lunch i had a bagauette and soup and it was so yumy! then i had dinner wiht my parents which was nice.
  yes i go to uni in september so still a wee while
  i wanna be much healthier and weiigh more by the time i go! my festival is in 2 days so ill be away for 3 nites, camping and eating lots of burgers hopefully!

  how r u? u keep me motivated, i was thinkin of u today when i had my lunch.
  hope u r well.
  u r doing INCREDIBLE and anorexia is losing!
  u r beautiful, and not just a number. we are girls and we shud embrace our bodies for what they are.
  x

• 114 Tasha // Jul 8, 2008 at 12:18 pm

  Hey,

  I can’t sleep so I thought why not check on how everyone’s doing? I haven’t posted in a week but mostly since I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my situation. I’ve done pretty well the past week, definitely more calories than I’ve ever had.

  I started to worry about counting again in the past few days but I’m making sure I at least meet 2500 calories. I dunno how to stop thinking about it, it’s like I do well for a bit, then I sort of fall back into it. But the good thing is I’m enjoying good food that I haven’t had in a while.

  Aliyah and Saphire, It’s really great to hear how well you guys are doing. Keep it up! I was wondering since both of you have been doing well for a bit, has the weight gain been slow though? I know that you don’t weigh yourselves, but I suppose you can tell if you’ve put on weight and I was just wondering since I want to be able to go to boarding school and at this rate, my chances are pretty minimal.

• 115 Aliyah // Jul 8, 2008 at 12:20 pm

  tasha- glas to hear ur doing well.
  yeh my weight re gain has been quite slow i guess. i need to increase more, but im finding that a llittle hard im jus enjoyin all the foods n stuff i guess.
  just slowly keep increasing is all i can say really, try high calorie drinks an stuff to help speed it up.
  apart from that just enjoy it
  u deserve to!
  x

• 116 Saphire // Jul 8, 2008 at 5:12 pm

  Tasha- keep right on going! You are doing great and yes ana is most definitely losing to you. 2500 cals+ is awesome! You should even do more you know? i do that- 2500+ calories and I feel absolutely amazing and so strong. And even tho Im eating the cals and whatever I want, the weight gain is slow. In fact I havent really noticed anything at all. The regaining is usually slow for all of us I think when we recover. Like Aliyah said- try maybe those drinks, they might help
  Aliyah! your words are so kind and you are truly beautiful aswell. I am so happy for you that you are coming along strong. It feels amazing to have good food and enjoy it too doesnt it?
  You are going to have so much fun at your festival! I wish I was going to something like that! I am doing well, thank you. I aswell, want to get stronger physically and mentally for university in September and I know that we both are on the right track!
  Hope you had a wonderful day- it sounds like you did and tomorrow will be just as great!
  xo

• 117 Aliyah // Jul 9, 2008 at 3:05 pm

  welll guys
  im off on my 3 nite camping trip tomorrow1
  i just want to wish everyone a gd few days, and hope it involves lots of yummy foods!
  everyone is doing so well.
  im going to challenge myself to burgers, and chips – foods i dont normally really eat,

  take care speak to everyone soon
  x

• 118 Saphire // Jul 9, 2008 at 7:19 pm

  Aliyah you will have the most wonderful time. This is a great time to stand up to ana and tell her to **** off because you are going to be doing something totally fun and great!!! Dont think of this as a challenge- let it be easy. This is going to be wonderful food that tastes so so good and you will truly enjoy all of it. burgers, chips- gosh these wont go anywhere! Enjoy girl, you very much deserve it. Know that when you eat these good yummy foods you are winning. Each bite is a victory and you will get stronger each time aswell.
  Best wishes to ya Aliyah! Enjoy yourself!

• 119 Jaycee // Jul 11, 2008 at 5:54 am

  To all,

  Thank you all for your inspiration and understanding! I have been eating three meals a day, but I have already started out poorly today because I started with a healthy breakfast and then I ended up binging on chex mix. It is like I have no control when I start eating, and I always feel even worse when I finally stop. It is almost like my body has been deprived of all these wonderful tasting things for so long that it doesn’t know how to react when I start allowing myself to eat. I felt full after eating my breakfast, but then I couldn’t stop myself from eating more. I am really starting to enjoy food again and that scares me because I am afraid that I will never be able to control my portions. It is so hard.

  Saphire,
  Thank you so much for writing to me and giving me inspiration and encouragement. I hope to someday be able to eat without guilt. I love the new tastes that I am experiencing, and I really do want to feel healthy again. You are amazing, and I hope that I can find the same kind of strength that you have.

• 120 Saphire // Jul 11, 2008 at 2:47 pm

  Jaycee,

  You know what? I did the exact same thing today. I had a few too many bowls of cerial but I know why. Its because yesterday I worked all day and I didnt really let myself have time to eat properly and I paid for it today. My body was clearly deprived of what it needed so my cup of cheerios turned into 5. And not only do I just have cereal with milk, but since I loovve maple syrup, I put a few table spoons on and make my breaky ever so good.
  But thats no binge. You did NOT binge either. Its only anorexia telling you its binge when its not. A binge is like taking in maybe 5000+ cals at once or more. For some people, its taking in 10,000 calories in one sitting. Cerial is good for you- chex mix is good for you.
  Once you start eating properly consistantly- 3 meals a day and snacks in between and really, eating until your body is satisfied, your body will no longer feel the need to ‘binge’. At first of course, you will want to ‘binge’ because you have deprived your body of what it needs. But as the weeks go by of eating normally, trust me, the feeling will subside. If your bowl of cerial or anything you eat turns into another and another, just let it and enjoy it! You clearly need the food in you. It is only the disease making you feel like crap about it. Do NOT let it win.
  This morning, yes, I had five big cups of cerial, but you know what? it was soo so good and I know my body was starving for it so I knew I was doing the right thing.
  And please- if you think you ‘binged’ do NOT restrict afterwards, it will just make the binge feeling a heck of a lot stronger. You said you felt full after your breakfast. Trust me when I say, you were NOT full. Cravings happen when your body NEEDS food. So you did the right thing for eating more. heck, eat as much as you want! Nobody cares, it doesnt really matter does it? It is only food. We need food to live. And it is ONLY anorexia making you think otherwise. You are stronger than this disease. Eat as much as you want and please, enjoy it. You deserve it. And you already have the strength in you, just use it to fight okay? Every time you listen to your BODY and not to ana, you win. I know you can win. You are a beautiful person. Think of what you have to offer the world- there is so much more to life than worrying about how many bowls of cerial you eat. Its true. xoxo keep strong and feel free to write and let me know how you are doing. Am thinkin of you!

• 121 Saphire // Jul 12, 2008 at 7:33 am

  Hi Jaycee,
  One more thing- if you’re going to overeat, breakfast is where you do it. It is a proven fact that if a person has a very large breakfast, their body feels full and satisfied for the rest of the day which lessens the need to overeat at the end of the day. And the bigger the breakfast, the bigger the boost for your metabolism

• 122 SilentlyAwaits // Jul 12, 2008 at 1:26 pm

  hey guys
  today is so depressing-it was the last day of training for camp and i totally broke down-i talked to the directors of the camp that i didn’t feel right telling girls they were beautiful when i didnt believe it in myself-i told them about my eating-how id eaten at every meal but the stress was so hard i didn’t think i could keep on going…they thought it would be best if i left to get better-then come back-or just visit.i think its a good idea but im so Mad at myself that i can’t even go a week without totally breaking down!

• 123 Jaycee // Jul 14, 2008 at 6:39 am

  Saphire,

  Thank you so much for writing to me and caring about me! You are so right! My large breakfast was not a binge. It was my body telling me that it needs more food to be full and content. I am working now on choosing foods that have nutritional value and will satisfy my cravings. Before I would not allow myself to eat dinner and desert, so I would often skip dinner to have just a simple cup of ice cream, but I know now that it is ok to have both. Each day is a different struggle and a different battle with food, but I have consistently been able to eat breakfast and dinner. I am still struggling to have the strength to eat lunch, but I do feel as though with time i can overcome this. On a good note, I did have an excellent day on Saturday. I went out to eat and I finished everything on my plate. Furthermore, I ate two slices of homemade pizza, which used to be my absolute favorite meal, and it tasted delicious.

  I have been trying to drink more water because I deprived myself of fluids for so long that I ended up getting a kidney infection about two weeks ago, and that was a real wake up call that I need to take care of my body.

  After reading your post, I feel much better about my recovery. I feel like I can do this, and I just need to keep moving forward. I am worried because I have to be away from home for three days with my parents, and I know that my mom will be watching everything that I eat, so I just want to have the strength to continue eating and enjoying it. I didn’t have a very well-rounded breakfast this morning, but I don’t feel nearly as bad about it because you have inspired me to understand that eating can be fun again. I ate a peanut butter sandwich and a king size snickers bar, and I haven’t allowed myself to eat a full size candy bar in years, so I was really upset with myself, but I understand now that it is just part of the process of getting better. I do feel full and satisfied, and I am not thinking about food constantly, so i feel like that is a major breakthrough. Keep in touch and i give all my support to everyone out there that is struggling. I completely understand. This is the most difficult and heart-wrenching thing that I have ever been through and I just want everyone to know that you are beautiful people that have so much to offer the world. Let’s stay strong and beat this disease together.

• 124 Aliyah // Jul 14, 2008 at 7:47 am

  hello all!
  i am back from my trip and it was amaing.
  i ate all sorts of new foods and i didnt feel bad!
  its been so good, and i feel so good just now and proud!i ate chips nad burgers and there was healthier options too. i even had non diet drinks and it was good. everyone there was eatin and drinkin as they please n i wanted to feel the same.

  saphhire- everything seems to be going amaing for you! just make sure u eat enuff to keep ur energy up for work well done, you are kickin anas butt because u realise every time how much u deserve food by eating it and eatin it when u want. WELL DONE. how is ur job going?

  joyce- wow yeah i know how u feel. recovery is so hard isnt it? but it gets better belive me. i had some reallu hard times at the start,b ut if u eat u feed ur brain, ur body, u become healthier and u function better.
  dont worry about how much u eat, if u feel u have ate too much its ok! remember u need to regain weightm n regain ur life back.
  only positive things will await you! remember we gain nothing by not eating, all we do is mke ourselves feel miserable. why do that? life is short. lets just eat, and not obsess about it!
  i mean us ed u ate pizza , pizza is yummy! u deserve it, eat it whenever u want! and wel done on going out on ur dinner and finishing it.
  take each day as it comes, each meal as it comes. dont worry about next weeks food, just worry about eatin enuff each day.
  you will do this! in fact you r doing it

• 125 Aliyah // Jul 14, 2008 at 7:52 am

  silently awaits- where were u? im sorr to hear u feel bad, but it sounds like ur giving urself a hard time. dont! everything happens for a reason.
  u sed u found it hard to eat, it is hard. so hard, but now u can really use it as a positive thing and use it as a reason to get beter. u wanna go to ur camp and enjoy it without the thoughts of food .
  x

• 126 Jaycee // Jul 18, 2008 at 8:02 am

  SilentlyAwaits- Please don’t be so hard on yourself! We all know how difficult it is to eat, but for me, it was even difficult to talk about it to other people. I am so proud of you and you should be proud of your successes. Don’t look at all the negative things….please try to remember the positive side of everyday. At least you tried to go to the camp, and at least you were honest about how you felt and you saw that you needed to be a better example for the girls. I have a young niece, and I don’t want her to grow up and have the same issues with food that I do. I want her to be healthy and happy and enjoy life because that is what I want and I know that is what we all want!

  To all-Everyone on here is such an inspiration to me! I am so grateful that I found this site because it is a major relief to get my feelings heard by people that truly understand what I am going through.

  I haven’t told my boyfriend about my anorexia yet, and I am very hesitant because I don’t want him to look at me differently even though he probably already knows that something isn’t right because I used to be a strong happy person. I am getting a lot happier with each day because I actually have energy to do the things that I love.

  I just got back from my trip, and I didn’t eat as well as I would have liked, but I did enjoy a lot of new wonderful tasting things. On the trip, we were given healthy lunches, but I really did not enjoy those because I am not a big beef eater and that is what they served. I honestly just prefer chicken or turkey because I do not enjoy the texture of beef. Anyways, I did enjoy some very yummy frozen custard and pizza, and I ate at Waffle House, which I wouldn’t have even thought about eating there two weeks ago. I feel like it was a fairly successful trip, and I wish that I was still on it!

  Good luck to everyone and keep on kicking ana’s butt!

• 127 Aliyah // Jul 18, 2008 at 11:49 am

  Jayce- well done on your trip!
  that is truely a great achievement and u shud be proud.
  justremember u deserve the food as much as anyone!
  i think us hud tell ur bf, i told mines, and its bought us much much closer. he makes sure i eat my meals, and always gives me little snacks and lots of encouragement, so u definetly shud!

• 128 Lou // Jul 18, 2008 at 7:21 pm

  hey everyone.

  you guys are all such a huge inspiration to me, really. I don’t know what I’d do with out this website.

  i’m on my way to a full recovery. but i just want to know, am i supposed to be feeling so fat and yucky all the time? is this normal/natural? I know i’m in the ‘healthy’ weight range at 5’5/117lbs but i feel so gross at this weight. I’ve put on 17lbs and i NEVER thought i would put on that much in my life. I just want to feel comfortable with my body and what i’m eating but I don’t feel i ever will be.

  I constantly count and re-count calories, do my measurements, look how much other people weigh, guess how much they weigh, and constantly exercise.

  I just want to be strong and normal again but I never feel I will.

  I don’t know who to talk to. My friends find it very hard to deal with and i am not close to my family so i find it hard to talk to them.

  also, does this happen to anyone else.

  I will eat a bowl of cereal and feel full straight after i’ve eaten it and stay with this full feeling, but 1-2 hours later i start to snack on things, even though i’ve already eaten and im full. I know when i first started not eat i would snack on tiny bits of food every 4 hours or so. Is this happened to anyone else?

  Lou xx

• 129 Aliyah // Jul 19, 2008 at 2:03 pm

  Lou- well done on reachin n idel weight.
  Yes i get obsessive thoughts about anoreixa,and yes it is very normal, we ll get it. Time will rid of it, as long as u keep eating and maintain urideal weigght, it will go.i know it will because my voices have lessened as i eat more.
  i hate restricing, i cnt be bothered with it anymore.n yes i feel fat n yuky a lot, but i know its a lie, anorexia is trying to decieve us, so dont let it!

  food is to be enjoyed n we deserve it.
  I went to a restaurant today with my bf, n it was lovely. i ordered ravioli n i didnt like it much, n i had sum chips too. And my bf, is so supportive, hes like eat sum chips, u dnt have to eat them all. after those words i felt ok, more comfortable and enjoyed the evening.

  lou all i wud say is make sure u eat 3 decent meals nd snack as much as u want inbetween.
  way to go girl! how long did it takeu to reach ur weight?

  oh Im going to FRANCE tomorrow, so i wont be on this for a few days. I want to wish everyone a really good few days,w here we all eat lots of ummy foods and dont restrict.
  i cnt wait to try the foods in paris!

  u are all beautiful, dnt let anorexia take anything away.
  x

• 130 Lou // Jul 19, 2008 at 3:01 pm

  Hey Aliyah,

  Thank you so much for your advice and support, I knew I could count on you wonderful girls.

  I will try my best to eat 3 rounded meals and attempt to have snacks in between, I promise. I WILL not let ana take over me.

  It has taken me around 2 months to get to this weight. I put weight on quite fast, (I have a really slow metabolism which was made even slower by my ED). I found when I first started eating again, I actually lost weight, which was weird, but then I started to put it on. At one point I put 5 pounds on in a week, and then relapsed because I couldn’t handle being that weight. But after some gruelling with myself I pushed myself to eat again and put on the rest over a month and a bit.

  It’s been hard and sometimes I wish so badly to be back to my ‘before’ weight which I was happy with at the time but I know now that I’m happier and brighter as a person now.

  I just want to thank all of you for your inspirational stories and the way you all act like such a caring family. It makes me want to cry! (I’m an emotional one)

  Thank you everyone,

  P.s. Has anyone made it to THEIR ideal weight yet? (We can do it girls. I know we all can.)

• 131 Saphire // Jul 19, 2008 at 4:34 pm

  Hi Lou,
  Yes you can totally do it! Be strong and you will win. Eating makes you more of a happy and brighter person most definitely. It is ONLY ANOREXIA making you feel bad and crappy when you gain weight. You might think you looked better at your lowest weight. But now take a moment and remember how crappy you felt at that lowest weight. Sure you might have liked what you saw in the mirror but did you not feel bad mentally and physically? Were you not so weak and so cold and so not living?! And you never got to eat or even enjoy good food! All that great food out there that normal people enjoy each day!
  Just remember that going back- starting to diet again, would just mean that you would be going back to that horrible place of feeling like crap. And I know you dont want that so please, stay strong. Its only ana telling you you want to go back to that low weight. You do NOT want to go back there. That was an ugly place.
  Okay…. I’ll stop rambling… I just know you have the strength in you to pull past these really hard spots this disease gives us and I just dont want you to give in. I dont want ANY of us to give in to ana. Lets stand up and chose to LIVE!!!

  You know, the 5 pounds you put on in that one week was water weight. It was 100 % NOT fat weight. And the more you eat, consistantly, and everyday, your metabolism will speed up, I promise you that. It is only slow now because anorexia made it that way. But eat more, and eat OFTEN and your metabolism will speed up!!!!!
  You are doing wonderful Lou, please keep up your great job at defeating this

  Aliyah!!! Hello hun, I am so envious of you going to France!!!!! You are so lucky and they have great french food there so I hear! Enjoy it all you totally deserve it! And I am so proud of you for ordering something yummy off the menu! That is great! Well done!!!!

  xx

• 132 Jaycee // Jul 21, 2008 at 4:15 am

  Hey Lou! I completely understand what you mean about feeling fat. I feel so gross and yucky sometimes, but I try to get passed those feelings by occupying my time. I have learned from everyone at this site that it is completely normal to feel this way, and the feeling of fatness is completely our minds telling us this. It is a scary process each day. I want to eat because I know it makes me stronger and healthier, but then again, I have this terrible habit of restricting. I guess it is similar to any other addiction because I am eating more, but I still feel like I have to do my certain routine.

  I am so proud of you though, Lou. That is awesome that you reached your ideal weight.

  Aaliyah–I hope that you have an amazing time in France. I went there a year ago, and it was so beautiful and magnificent. I didn’t enjoy enough of the food, so please eat enough for me. I did allow myself to eat a crepe, and it was the best tasting thing ever. I wish that I could go back and really enjoy all the food.

  Saphire–How are you? Did you have a good road trip?

• 133 rachael // Jul 21, 2008 at 6:16 am

  ah hey you all! ive been reading all the post sorry ive been a bit busy to post it seems like you are all doing very well! i go to the doctors every week to get weighed and i havent gained…but i havent lost! i am curently on vacation and im eating really well and barely thikning about food i do occasionaly worry about gaining but i mean im goign to because i need to, its just really hard sometimes it sucks. when i go back i think i will have gained so my doctor will be happy about that…adn awhile back i read a post from megan asking about drinking milk…well my dr tells me i have to drink at least one glass of milk daily and its just becuase you need the vitamin d for your bones and everything. also i saw a comment from aliyah about when you dont eat your haert gets weak and this is true, my nutritionist told me that when you dont eat your body feeds off of muscle and since your heart is a muscle your body just takes from any muscle and it can choose your heart..that scared me and ever since i ahvent really starvd myself. well i hope you all are still doing well!!!

• 134 rachael // Jul 21, 2008 at 6:22 am

  oh and also i was wondering if anyone got acid reflux from loosing so much wiehgt…becasue i am currently dealin with it and it has to be from loosing wiehgt becuase it started when i was like at my lowest weight…just wonderinggg

• 135 Jaycee // Jul 21, 2008 at 7:24 am

  Rachael–I am so happy that you are enjoying your vacation and eating delicious meals! Keep on having fun and experiencing the trip because life is too short to be worried about gaining weight. Plus, you are obviousely getting stronger each day, so continue with your progress. Y ou deserve to have a great time!

  About the acid reflux, I have never experienced that, but I do know that others have commented on getting acid reflux because of anorexia.

• 136 Jaycee // Jul 23, 2008 at 9:24 am

  Hey Everyone! I had a bad day yesterday, but it might actually be a good day too. I was out of town with my family and my boyfriend, and of course we had to eat out. I was hungry, so I did eat a good lunch, and then we went to these amazing place that has frozen custard. I enjoyed both of these places, and I didn’t even feel guilty about eating them. I actually felt as though I could eat more. Then, we went to a baseball game, and no one said anything about eating or even went to the concession stand. I was getting very hungry, but of course, since no one else wanted anything I never said that I wanted something. It is definitely the ED rationalizing because I feel like I have to wait for people to eat along with me. Anyways, I didn’t eat anything at the game because of this stupid voice in my head saying that it was all too greasy or unhealthy and no one else wants anything. But when we got home, i was determined that I was going to eat something because I knew that I needed to. Even though it was midnight, I made a peanut butter sandwich and drank a glass of milk.

  I said that it was a good day because I recognized that I do need to eat and I did feel hungry, but it was also bad because I allowed myself to restrict at the game. I still feel like it was a breakthrough!

• 137 Saphire // Jul 23, 2008 at 9:32 am

  Yes that was a breakthrough Jaycee. Well done for realizing that yes it was bad for you to restrict all day and that yes your body was hungry and you actually listened to it and fed yourself. And a very good snack aswell. Congratulations. But I also hope you realized, that you can and should eat when you are hungry and noone else is. You are more hungrier than everyone else anyway because you have starved yourself. So eat and enjoy whenever you want!!! Be good to yourself. You have your body for a long time and you dont want to be crippled up and struggling with your health at such an early age and on.
  xx

• 138 Lou // Jul 24, 2008 at 12:00 am

  Hi everyone, its me again, Lou

  This week has been rough, to say for a better word. I just got released from hospital. On Sunday night I overdosed on a 24 pack of Panadol. I snapped and I couldn’t take any of it anymore. I was sick of what I saw, sick of what was going on, but I was most sick of the way I couldn’t even control what I, myself thought and did. I was so scared to tell anyone I had taken them, so I didn’t. The next day I told a close friend of mine because I had started to vomit my guts up – not an ideal feeling. She took me to the Emergency Department and I was admitted straight away. I couldn’t stop vomiting. They connected me to an IV drip, took my blood and asked me lots of questions. It was too late for charcoal; it had already started to attack my liver. They pumped me with this stuff called Parvolex through my arm as my friend held my hand. I was scared shitless. I had planned on ending it all – not having to wake up in the morning, not having to face any of it anymore. But I was awake, I was awake and in a lot of shit that I had caused myself. My blood was at a high toxic level. I know 24 Panadol does not sound like that many but because I don’t weigh much it is a lot. I realised what I did was so wrong and that I had so much to live for. My parents were contacted; they took it better than I thought. Mum cried a lot, and dad just… didn’t get it. I was talked to by a lot of psych people and ‘assessed’ – wasn’t fun. It took me a little while but I knew that I had something to live for and that I really didn’t want to die but now it was to be determined if I was or not. Thankfully after 2 days of treatment and being pumped of medicines, my levels were back to a near ‘stable’ level. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t get to the ED in time, I don’t know what I was thinking when I did it. I don’t know what to do know, or what to even tell my friends – they think I was just home with a tummy bug. How do I try and get on with my life, with everything? I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this. I know I should be thankful I am alive – I was 4 tablets of liver failure, they were even going to put my name on the transplant list. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m lost in the swirls of my own head.

• 139 Saphire // Jul 24, 2008 at 10:13 am

  Oh Lou! It makes me so sad to read your last post. You must realize you do have so much to offer the world. You have so much to live for. Gosh, hunny, I wish I was there to give you a hug. You are such a beautiful person. I know that. Even tho I have not met you, I know you are a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out and the world would have an empty sad hole in it if you werent on it.
  You are young and have the power and the strength to change your life for the better. You lost yourself this week. You sunk and you fell. But you- you have the power to pick yourself up and start fresh. Make something of your life cause its a beautiful one. You are more than your eating disorder. Realize that the disorder has come to control you and you want to turn this around and control it, dont you??? You dont want to lose yourself and your life to this. Its not worth it.
  Gosh, if only I could make you see how incredibly wonderful and beautiful you are and you do have soo soooo much to live for.
  Please dont give up. Please please please.
  There is a website-www.mirror-mirror.org and there is a survivor’s wall with people’s posts on it. Please check it out. It is very inspiring:
  http://www.mirror-mirror.org/surwall.htm
  That is the direct link.

  You are more than your eating disorder. Stand up to this disease and choose to live!!!
  We all love you. We really do. Please keep on posting and let me know how you are doing. I am with you, thinking of you. xox

• 140 Aliyah // Jul 24, 2008 at 11:07 am

  lou- just as saphhire sed that is so sad, but really anything that u survive makes u stronger. u are now stronger, u faced such an irdeal, and now u can move on and overcome ur ED.
  ur family all love you, so do ur friends, like u love them, u want to be better. YOU want to overcome this, only ur ED is saying its too hard its impossible, cause it doesnt want you to.
  it can be done. and you will do it, as long as you accept you do, u can do anything.
  our mind is very powerful, if u set ur mind to getting better, u will. belive me u will.

  lots of luck ! keep posting, u r beutiful just a sapphire said and have your whole life.
  enjoy it.
  x

• 141 Jaycee // Jul 24, 2008 at 12:25 pm

  Lou,

  Please listen to Saphire and Aaliyah! You are beautiful and a wondeful person that has so much to offer the world. I know that you are important and that you are a fighter because you have overcome so much already. Please keep fighting and pushing forward. Everyday is a new beginning and you can turn this around! Try to think about something that you have always wanted to do. Write it down and make strides each day to reach this!

• 142 Jaycee // Jul 24, 2008 at 12:26 pm

  Aaliyah,

  How was your trip? I hope that you had a wonderful time. I know that France is a beautiful and exciting place to visit. I really loved my time there!

• 143 Aliyah // Jul 24, 2008 at 1:18 pm

  jayce- it was lovely, lovely weather, lovely city- paris that is. got some family time too, something anorexia always restricted me of!
  food was hard there, im not going to lie, it was different and i didnt eat as much i should have, specially with all the walking around, but im determined to beat ana. i wanna travel, i wanna see the world n i cnt let ana stop it!

  how have u been?
  x

• 144 Alleeconn // Jul 24, 2008 at 3:17 pm

  Hey everyone! I’m glad I finally found a board that is so warm and supportive! I am trying to get over my ED, but it is so hard! Any advice?
  My mother tried forcefeeding, but it was horrible. I cried and hyperventilated it was like being face-to-face with a snarling bear….is there any other way to get my mind to let me eat?
  thanks xo

• 145 Aliyah // Jul 24, 2008 at 3:37 pm

  hey welcome! well have u been to ur doctor? u shud aim for 3 small meals a day n snacks inbetween. isit anorexia u have?
  remember, an ed tried to manipulate u, it will tell u ur full, or to throw this food away or not finish this, but u need to ignore it.
  as u eat more, u feed ur mind, u will start to feel better and have more energy and enjoy things more.
  never give in to it!
  use support from family and stay focusxed on getting better.
  you control the ed!
  lots of luck! keep posting
  x

• 146 Alleeconn // Jul 24, 2008 at 4:20 pm

  I went to a doctor and I see a specialist on Tuesday, and yes, it is anorexia that I have (or rather, that has me). I am and will keep trying, because I cannot stay like this. Good luck to all I will post every couple of days
  Allee

• 147 Aliyah // Jul 24, 2008 at 4:46 pm

  no it does not hve you. its all in the mind, and as long as uno that u wil overcome it.
  stay motivated and eat as well as u can and as mch. u deserve it as does ur body!
  good luk!
  x

• 148 Jaycee // Jul 25, 2008 at 1:54 pm

  Allee–Welcome to the board! Everyone on here is so supportive and welcoming. I just recently joined myself, but I already feel like a part of the family. Congratulations on deciding to beat anorexia! It is a challenge everyday, but we can all do it, and I know that we all want to have wonderful and fulfilling lives without this crazy disease. Keep posting and feel free to talk about anything!

  Aaliyah–I always have a hard time eating when I travel. I love to travel though! I just hope that it gets easier with time to really nourish myself like I should when I am traveling. Paris is a beautiful city with so much to offer. Did you go see the Mona Lisa? I saw it, and honestly, I wasn’t that impressed because it was so much smaller than I imagined.

  Now a little about me. Today is my birthday! Hooray and yuck! First, yesterday I had a really terrible day. I ate really well, but I felt so stuffed and bloated all day. I didn’t want to do anything and I hate those days. So then, today, I know that my mom is planning on eating dinner and having ice cream and cake, so I have definitely been restricting all day because I want to eat that. It is crazy how ana tells you to do that even though you should be thrilled that it is your birthday and happy to indulge in treats. I am so confused sometimes. I want to eat, but then after a few days of good eating, I revert back to my ED! It sucks and it is so scary. I just want to be normal, but my brain is warped! Ugghhh!!!! Well, wish my luck for my party. Hopefully, I enjoy everything and my mom isn’t too nosy about what I eat.

  Stay strong everyone!

• 149 Aliyah // Jul 25, 2008 at 2:05 pm

  Jayce- nah i never saw the mona lisa, i did see themuseum though. HAPP BIRTHDAY. enjoy ur cake n yummy food that YOU deserve!
  And btw please pelase dnt restrict, its ana gettin to u, and u have to go no, i can eat noormaly n eat treats cause u CAN and u NEED too.
  I know what u mean about ana and how it messes up ur thoughts, but u just need to stay focused and try not to thino obsessively about food. rmember we all need to be eating as man calories as possible, 1500 or less is no good! thats like starvation mode.
  lots of luck and enjoy it!

  i am going to set myself challneges from now on, next week, as my snack im instead of something smll like a cereal bar im going to have a bowl of soup. i think by knowin ive set myself it, and then doing it, is a great way to know im winning.

  well hope everyone is ok, eat well, we all deserve it!

• 150 Lou // Jul 25, 2008 at 3:10 pm

  Hi everyone,

  I’m back. Today has been a pretty crappy day for me to be honest. I had my semi-formal (junior prom I think you guys call it in America etc) and it turned out to be horrible. I felt totally crummy the whole night. I didn’t want to dance, and people kept offering me food and asking me if I was okay. Eh. I just ate breakfast and I feel like a fat cow. I don’t get it. I’m not overeating yet I’m STILL putting on weight. I was 117 now I’m 121 and I have never felt so…disgusting.

  Eh.

• 151 Aliyah // Jul 25, 2008 at 3:25 pm

  Lou- i know its hard, but uno a lot of weight is water retention too, and it flunctuates a lot, so dont get stressed. its not going to be ‘fat’ and also muscle weighs more than fat so belive me, its just anoreixa tryin to get to you.
  you r not a fat cow, and u deserve lots of yummy food. remember as u regain weight, u regain ur life bak!

  its ok about ur formal, its hard sometimes, but u can do it, and dnt let it bring u down.

  hope the rest of ur day goes well

  x

• 152 Aliyah // Jul 28, 2008 at 12:53 pm

  hello all
  how is everyone?
  i feel soooo full, i tried to eat more today. For my snack i had a bow of soup, as well as a big dinner.
  i really feel so crap, but i keep tellin myself, im still underweight, i have to re gain and the feeling will pass.
  i hope everyone else is doing good!
  food is good

• 153 Jaycee // Jul 28, 2008 at 2:44 pm

  Aliyah-Awesome job trying to eat more, and you are so right Food tastes so Good! I just wish that it didn’t make me feel so out of control sometimes.

  Lou-It is ok to feel vulnerable and unsure because this disease is always lurking in your head telling you things that aren’t true! I’m sure that you looked beautiful at your formal, but at any regards, don’t let it worry you. I never went to my high school formals because I was too afraid of how I looked and about what other people would think of how I ate. Try to think of something positive that happened that night. At least you got to see everyone all dressed up and I’m sure that the decorations were very pretty. My ED kept me from going, so at least you were strong enough to go. That takes courage and I know that you can overcome this difficult time!

  For me, I had a good weekend after my birthday on Friday. I definitely didn’t eat enough on Saturday during the day because I got into a huge fight with my Mom, and she just doesn’t realize how difficult it is for me everyday. I did have a nice dinner though with my boyfriend, and I ate more than I have eaten in so long and it all tasted so good. Sunday, I was afraid that I might restrict because of eating so much on Saturday, but I didn’t. I had three meals and one snack, which is really a big improvement for me because I have only been eating two meals so far with no snacks. It is harder and harder everyday to increase, but I am working on it and I know that we are all doing the best that we can.

  To everyone, please keep pushing and thriving to be that healthy person that you know you can be!!!

• 154 Aliyah // Jul 28, 2008 at 2:49 pm

  Jayce- well done on the 3 meals, it really is an achievement.i tried to have 4 today, and one snack, and it was ok. i felt good, and i feel fine now. in fact i feel kinda hungry actually.

  just keep going, the way to recovery is just to increase as much as u can. we all can do it, n when we feel bad we need to learn to ignore the thoughts and prevent restricing, coz life is too short!
  I ate a bit more than usual today and i most definetly wil not restrict tomoro! i will not let myself.

  good luk everyone!
  x

• 155 Jaycee // Jul 29, 2008 at 8:25 am

  I hate myself and my body! I thought that I was getting better, but it was just another lie that I was telling myself. I can’t get better because then I will get fat! I thought that I could recover, but it is impossible. My body is gaining weight and I hate it. I want to stop eating again, but I really can’t! I have lost all control.

• 156 Jaycee // Jul 29, 2008 at 8:26 am

  Aliyah–How are you doing so well? Do you have a meal plan? What types of food do you eat?

• 157 Jaycee // Jul 29, 2008 at 8:29 am

  Aliyah–How are you doing so well? Do you have a meal plan? What types of food do you eat? Did you see a therapist?

• 158 Alleeconn // Jul 29, 2008 at 9:26 am

  Hey everyone!
  Oh, Jaycee, I know what you mean…I’ve eaten more normally the last two days, but I ended up giving in and exercising like mad both days…this is tough! Especially since I feel like I’ve gained so much weight, even though i KNOW it’s physically impossible, I still half-believe it.
  It was nice to have so much energy for a change though…
  And today I go and meet that specialist, so hopefully that will help with the psychological part of it!
  Good luck and happy eating everyone! Stay strong!

• 159 Aliyah // Jul 29, 2008 at 1:22 pm

  Jayce0 nah i dont hve a meal plan anymore i used to. what i do is have 3 meals no matter what breakfast, lunch n dinner. I et protein n carbs at both lunch n dinner nd i try to make the portion size the same size as i wud give a ‘normal’ person.
  I also snack on stuff througout the day. No diet foods!

  Allecon- you do not need to exercise belive me. I now, dont exercise at all, cept walking here n there and feel hungry all the time. Ino my thoughts are false. when i feel fat, ino its not fact. when i think omg ive put on so much weight cause i ate this, ino its false.
  and to be honest i cnt be bithered with sitting freaksin out cause i ate sum chocolate or whatever.

  im definetly feeling really good, and my energy is up, and my confidence is rising slowly. i want to look like an 18 year old girl, not a skinny 12 year old lookin girl.

  let your body be it natural self.
  x

• 160 Saphire // Jul 29, 2008 at 2:01 pm

  Wonderfully said Aliyah! You are 100 % right all the way. You truly are an inspiration to each of us on here. You have come a very very long way and you are winning.

• 161 Aliyah // Jul 29, 2008 at 2:09 pm

  thank u sapphire.
  how r u?/ how habe u been? i missed ur lovely comments.
  hope all is well and the job is too?

  x

  of course we r winning.

• 162 Saphire // Jul 29, 2008 at 3:17 pm

  Hello Aliyah,
  I am good thank you. I have my good days and my bad days. But Ive been keeping busy with my job and life in general. It seems the busier I am, the less I think and worry about food and calories which is really good
  But I still have my bad days when if I eat more than usual or if I splurge on a treat I feel somewhat unhappy with myself. But you know, I usually end up reminding myself that big deal, so I had a treat, I wanted it and I had it and it was good. Besides I do need it. Im still not gaining much weight and its frustrating. I hate getting comments about how skinny I am. People say Im ‘slim’ but I know they mean bony and its true. Im trying so hard to gain but its going so slow!
  But anyway… I am so pleased to hear you are doing well!!! You are listening to you body and what it needs. That is wonderful. I am so very proud of you!

• 163 Aliyah // Jul 29, 2008 at 3:56 pm

  sapphire- dont worry about regain, it will happen slowly, and increase ur food when u can.
  you r doing amazing, people judge , and it can be hurtful, but u need to know, nd remember how well u have done and that as long as you like urself, and ur body it doesnt matter what anyone else says.
  you r beautiful no matter what.
  im very proud of you too, keep it up, keep eating and live your life
  x

• 164 Lou // Jul 30, 2008 at 12:58 am

  eh. *sigh* everything feels like crap.

  i know its wrong but i am so so jealous of you girls here sometimes. i was weighed today… 124 pounds… i cried for 2 hours. how can i weigh that much… i am a pig, a fat, disgusting… pathetic pig. im not even tall im 5’4 – 5’5. I feel grotesque and disgusting. only 2 months ago i was 100 pounds… its as if i look at food and i gain. i couldnt even get under 100 pounds and i wouldnt eat for 3 or 4 days at a time. I have the worst metabolism. i only eat 1000 – 1500 MAX MAX calories a day and i am still gaining. I dont understand, why … why am i still gaining weight! im so fat… im the fattest of all my friends now, people dont compliment me anymore, im a rolly polly disgusting pig. argh. I dont want to eat anymore. Im sick of ‘breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack’ no no no no no. i feel like crying so badly. I just dont get it… i exercise 10+ hours a week. I feel like dying.

• 165 Aliyah // Jul 30, 2008 at 2:02 am

  Lou lou lou! u need to snap out of this. i went thru the EXACT same stage as u. when i first started recovery, i ate about 100 calories a day ( a lot more than i used to so it seemed like a lot) and even with that i used to not eat as much sum days, but every week i gained 2 pounds and i was going crazy.
  but uno what, after a while it Stops! belive me, ur weight will stabalise. mine kept going for about 7 good weeks. it was hard, and yes i felt horrible, but it passes.
  YOU r not fat, anything to do with fat is anorexia and u know that.
  your anorexia is blowing it out of proportion. i dont get as many comments either, but thats good! remmeber, u are still underweight, people wil still think oh shes thin, but not everyone needs to say it to u.
  dont let anorexia get to u, ive been thru this stage, after it , it gets easier. its harder to put on weight and u have to increase all the time, but u will get there.
  dont give in, cause its hard but its worthwhile. think of starving children inafrica, think of how lucky we are.
  lastly, i just wanna say, 100-1500 calories, is nothing. little kids are supposed to eat about 1800, so if u think about it, ur not even eating enuff, and anything less than 1700 calories is starvation mode, so ur mind, body and brain is not gettin enuff food, meaning anorexia can take over your thoughtss.
  ive found as i eat more, the htoughts get less.
  so try to keep going, piush yourself, and remember u r in control.

  u can do it!
  x

• 166 Aliyah // Jul 30, 2008 at 2:04 am

  i meant to say when i first started recovery it was 1000 calories, not 100!

• 167 Jaycee // Jul 31, 2008 at 6:11 am

  I’m never gonna get better! I hate my body and I hate food! I don’t think that I will ever have a normal relationship with food or myself and it really really sucks!

• 168 Aliyah // Jul 31, 2008 at 1:14 pm

  Jayce- YOU ARE. ino u will, have faith. its not going t be easy, of course not but in time yes u will.
  My relationship with food is still nt normal, i think about it a lot, and obsess but i try not to by keeping busy. do things to take ur mind of food like a job, going out, with friends. being with other people really helps, it helps u realise how irrational u are being.

  i feel ikky today, my tummy feels huge, coz i went to an indian takeaway for dinner withmy bf and ate too muhc, but uno i need it! and im having something light to eat just now,even though i dont want to. because ino my body needs it.
  its a case of staying strong anf beliving in yourself. u can do it!

  x

• 169 Jaycee // Aug 4, 2008 at 11:57 am

  Well, another weekend has come and gone! I did really really well this weekend, and I am so happy with my strides. I went to a wedding on Saturday, and I actually ate without feeling guilty. I just felt so normal and happy. Then, I went to our annual carnival, and I was going to just eat ice cream afterwards, but instead, I went with my boyfriend to our friend’s house and actually ate pizza at eleven o’clock at night with a regular soda. I haven’t drank a full regular soda for almost six years now. I am so thrilled with my accomplishments. THen, I did really well again on Sunday even though I didn’t eat breakfast, but I did eat a dinner and have ice cream afterwards. It just felt so normal to eat with everyone else. I still felt very apprehensive and nervous, but i didn’t stop myself from eating it, which i think is a breakthrough.

  Now, I am having a really hard time breaking old habits, such as, I love looking at pictures of food and writing down recipes from the internet. I want to stop these habits because it makes me feel crazy about food. Does anyone else obsess about food magazines or the food channel or even go to the grocery store to just look at all the different things? I love to do all of that, but I know that it isn’t healthy, so I want to stop. Any suggestions?

• 170 Jaycee // Aug 4, 2008 at 11:58 am

  Also, I was wondering if anyone ever wants to just chat through a messenger. Let me know!

• 171 Aliyah // Aug 4, 2008 at 12:49 pm

  Jayce0 wow well done what amazing achievements! im so happyt for you, the pizza and soda wel done! thats so good, see ur kickin anas butt so much there! u shud and deserve to enjoy all tyhis lovely and yyummy food.

  and yeah ino what u mean about habits, i get obsessed with labels on food, and whta im eating. Also with what other people are eating and their own eating habits. But i used to have to make my own food, and never eat out, but i overcame it, and it jus happened over time. So i guess Jayce, all these other habits are normal, and you need to give it time, and if u think something liek watchin the cookery channel is anorexia driven, then turn it off!
  Oh and teh lookin at pictures, i had that same obsession, i used to look at pictures all the time, n then i realised i shud be eating them not lookin at them, and thats exactly what i did!

  good luck , keep up the amazing work!
  btw my msn is alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com if u wanna add me on that?

  i had a nice big dinner today and im eating nuts and fruit jus now as a wee snack. Im definetly not feeling guilty!:D

  x

• 172 Jaycee // Aug 6, 2008 at 11:30 am

  Aaliyah—Way to go! You are such an inspiration to me. I just really want to say thank you for all the support and understanding that you have given me and everyone on the board. You deserve an award for your courage and bravery, and I know that you are rewarded each day for your accomplishments in beating this disease. I am striving more and more each day to overcome. It is difficult battle each day, but I try to think of motivating factors, such as you. So thanks for being a true friend to everyone on this board. I hope that more people will come back and talk because I miss seeing everyone’s comments. Love everyone and keep fighting!

• 173 Aliyah // Aug 6, 2008 at 11:37 am

  Jayce- way to go girl, we all need to be true to ourselves. deep down we all know, we can afford to eat as much as we want, and we shud not lie to ourselves or kid ourselves on.
  noen of us are fat and we all must eat,
  theres no two ways about it!

  2day i had an indian for dinner and crisps, two unhealthy things, but ino i need them! and uno what, i dont feel guilty

  stay positive everyone, keep fighting and u will win.

• 174 Jaycee // Aug 7, 2008 at 12:07 pm

  How is everyone doing?

  I have had a pretty decent week. I actually felt hungry last night around midnight and instead of trying to make the hunger go away….i finally got out of bed and had a very delicious and sugar filled bowl of cereal. It feels so much better to eat than to starve. I even had a blizzard today because all the money spent on Dairy Queen Blizzards today goes to the Children’s Miracle Network.

• 175 Aliyah // Aug 7, 2008 at 1:09 pm

  Jayce- wow well done you!
  thats amazing, well done for following ur what u wnat to do, by eating at midnight insrtead of starving urself! what an achievement!
  u keep that up!

  iev had a good week too, my mind feels clear, and if eel like i can eat better. i am finding ims nacking on more stuff all day, eating bigger portions and i feel hungry ALL the time!
  its great!

  x

• 176 Alleeconn // Aug 9, 2008 at 9:36 pm

  i am sick, disgusting, glutenous. ewewew.
  no one was home today, i’ve been eating all right recently so they trusted me to look after myself…and i sure did. i want to curl up in a ball and die right now…with the amount of calories i had today i could gain 3 pounds! sicksicksick. i can’t do this recovery thing if it means i might turn into a binger. never again! my throat hurts so bad from throwing up and i just know it doesn’t matter…im going to wake up in the morning fat….
  aliyah, im talking to you mainly because you are oh-so-wise, and even though i don’t post often, i look up to you…what did i just do to myself? why did this happen? im soooo gross….

• 177 isabella mori // Aug 9, 2008 at 10:03 pm

  hi everyone, this is isabella. some of you may not know me yet – i’m the person running this blog. i’m a therapist and enjoy helping people with eating disorders. once in a while i peek in and say hello.

  alleeconn, nice to meet you here, although i hope next time we “speak”, you’ll be feeling better.

  did you know that, depending on your current weight, you’d need to eat between 10,000 and 15,000 calories to permanently gain 3 pounds? i bet you didn’t eat that much …

  but yeah, i know the gross feeling from eating too much, especially if it involves too much sugar, fat, salt or white flour. it kind of makes your body scream …

  make sure you keep yourself well hydrated, move around a bit, watch a nice movie – and know that tomorrow you’ll feel better.

  i’m sending you all good thoughts.

• 178 Aliyah // Aug 10, 2008 at 2:34 am

  Allecon- what u did was feed ur starvung body. when u have deprived your body, your body needs a lot of extra food to make up for the food it lost. sometimes thats means eating what seems like Alot of food, it hapens to all of us,. sometimes i feel so hungry, even after a meal and i have to eat. i feel i have to eat all the time these days, and uno what? its not as bad as it seems. ana blows it our of propportion, tell urself, ok u feel gross andhorrible but wheres teh evidence ur fat or gained lots of weight coz of it/ none! ana is not true, its all lies. do u want to listen to lies or the truth? the truth is, u need to eat when u feel hungry, and as much as u want.
  when u start to realise this, and eat more and more, ur mind becomes clearer. when u deprive ur self, ur mind cnt think properly and ana takes over!
  so make ur mission to regainw eight, its REGAIN. ur not even gaining weight , ur gainin weight u lost! ino its oh so hard, but please keep eating and listenin to ur body ok? when u feel full, do something like watch a movie, or go for a little walk or send a post on this. you will feel better!
  your doing so good, im rooting for ya!

  x

• 179 Aliyah // Aug 10, 2008 at 2:38 am

  allecon- another thing, its not binge eating, because we need it, we wont gain like ana makes us think we are. we cud eat an apple n feel fat, so its not bingeing, its simply nourishin the body and soul.and plz plz plz dont binge! uno when u eat food it starts digesting str8 away, so throwinup will never get rid of all of it, never ever, so dont! just eat it, n keep t in, dont give in to ana, shes just bullying u. ur in control here ok.
  why, throw up food, that is so delicious, n worst of all , when they are starving people?
  no reason! so please dont, try and see its normal part of recovery to eat a lotof food, but u can ! thats the difference, ur alowed to eat as much as u want!
  you shud be enjoying all ujr fave foods!
  x

• 180 Aliyah // Aug 10, 2008 at 2:40 am

  oh a wee error in my post, i meant plz plz plz dont think of it as bineging

• 181 Saphire // Aug 10, 2008 at 10:18 am

  Aliyah is 100 % right Allecon!!! You did not binge, you did your body a HUGE favor. You know I have been going though the exact same thing as you. I had been slipping in my recovery for three weeks prior to this last one and honestly- when I say I was slipping, I was REALLY slipping. I was starving my poor body once again and over exercising!!! It was horrible. I started to feel cold again, I was bruising, my ear started to get weird again and I couldnt really hear out of it, my whole body was getting weaker and weaker and I could barely climb up my stairs again. I was relapsing again. BUT….. I was strong enough to recognise what I was doing. I was able to see that if I keep going at that rate, my mind would get weaker and weaker and I would be right back in that whole- that death trap and I would eventually die. So I picked myself up and got back on track. Ive been eating very very good this last week but like you did yesterday, I have been ‘binging’ pretty much every day this last week after dinner. I do NOT restrict at all in the day time. I eat my 2500 cals and then overeat after dinner. And you know, I did feel bad at first but I have come to realize that it is because I starved my body for the last three weeks my body is sooooo hungry and of course Im going to overeat!!!!!
  And soo what??? if I overeat?!!! I need it! I need to gain weight! That is the ONLY way I and you will recover. Living with anorexia is no way to live. You end up in a grave. Allecon- you ‘overate’ because you needed it!!!!!! Your body NEEDS the food!! Please feed yourself!!!! Eat a lot! You need it. You have deprived yourself of food for so long, your body needs to replenish itself.
  You did NOT binge. You simply just fed your body what it needed. It is ONLY anorexia in your head making you feel bad. It is a lie. DONT listen to it.
  The more you eat, the stronger your mind gets and you will see clearer that you need to eat in order to live your life the way it is meant to be lived. You NEED food Allecon. You need it to survive, to function, to be alive!!!!! and to be happy. I know you want that. We all want that. So if you feel like you ‘overate’ again today or tomorrow or whenever, tell yourself you did not binge, you just gave your body what it needed.
  Take care of your body Allecon. You only have this one body to take you through your life. You dont want to damage it anymore cause the more damage you do to it now, the harder it will be to go through life later. Your body needs the food. I know you want to get healthy. Feed your poor body please!!! Fight hard- you can win Allecon. You have great strenght in you. Battle this disease and win. Life is too short. Be strong, being alive and happy and healthy- that is beautiful
  xx

• 182 Aliyah // Aug 10, 2008 at 11:48 am

  Everything sapphire sed is so true. really everyone, you should listen to what YOU want. when u go out to a shop, pick up something to eat that u WANT, that is something that u truely want, like a chocolat ebar or crisps, because ana will want u to have the healthy low fat stuff. but thats for people, who NEED to lose weight, its not for us!
  honestly, food is amazing, we just need to learn to love it agen, and if u keep eating, u do!
  my mind has been so clear, and ive been having crisps and sweets, stuff i wouldnt have dreamed off a couple of months ago!

  healthy and happy is the way to be!

• 183 rachael // Aug 10, 2008 at 3:32 pm

  wow! i moved into my new apartment today and its awesome i am so happy to be relaxed and the past few days were so stressfull i think i lost 2 pounds but ive been eating really good all day so hopefully ill gain!!! ah my roommates are awesome and one cooks a lotso that will be good for me haha i hope you are all doing welll

• 184 Aliyah // Aug 10, 2008 at 3:37 pm

  rachel- awww goo dluck with ur new flat!
  please eat as much s u can, and when u et more n more ur mind becomes clearer. food is so good, and ana is just a big fat lie! dont listen to ana. anais bad.

  x

• 185 Jaycee // Aug 11, 2008 at 6:53 am

  Alleeconn—-From what I have learned, you cannot gain three pounds of real weight in one day it is simply the anorexia trying to mess with your mind! I know that it is scary and difficult at times, but I try to think of times that are absolutely amazing and wonderful. These times to me may not be anything spectaculor to other people, but they are to me. For instance, one of my friends asked me to go out to eat with her a couple of days ago. Normally, i would have made an excuse not to go, such as work or something, but instead, i went and it was fun. She never even payed attention to what or how i was eating and we just laughed and talked like old times. It was so comfortable and normal, but to me it was a major breakthrough. I just felt like my old self again. Just try to set small goals each day, such as I will do this, and with time, these goals will get easier. I still of course have a difficult time, but it will get better and you will get stronger. I know that you are a wonderful person and you have the strength to beat this. So please please listen to everyone’ s advice on here because they are very strong women that truely care about everyone on here. Keep fighting.

  Rachel–Congratulations on moving out. I would love to do that, but I don’t have too many friends anymore, and I don’t want to live alone because that would be far too difficult at this point in my recovery. Anyways, keep eating well and beat ana.

  I’m glad to see everyone talking and sharing again. I just really love the motivation that everyone gives here. Aaliyah and Saphire, you both have inspired me to keep posting and keep fighting. I know that you have struggled a little bit Saphire, but i’m glad that you recognized your problems and got back on the recovery path. Some days, I absolutely struggle, but other days, I feel so clear. Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Good luck to everyone!

• 186 Aliyah // Aug 11, 2008 at 7:16 am

  Jayce- well done on going out for a meal. I know what abig achievement that is, its like a big step towards a normal eating life! really keep it up, anytime u feel bad just think, i did that i can do anything.
  just keep trying to eat as much as you can, and if u crve somethine, eat it!
  that clear feeling is so good isnt it? you want that all the time, and you know what you have to do to get it! eat . eat eat. till ur hearts content.

  goood luck! keep posting!

  x

• 187 Alleeconn // Aug 11, 2008 at 8:22 am

  Good morning everyone! I feel a lot better today than I have the last two days.
  Thankyou all so much, I’ve been reading and rereading your comments, and you have pulled me through….Ms. Mori, it was nice “meeting” you, and yes, hopefully next time I hear from you, it’ll be in a good situation
  Sapphire, Aliyah, Jaycee; keep up the great strength and support, it’s making a huge difference in many lives.
  Racheal…congrats on the new place! It’s a great and liberating feeling when you can decorate to your tastes and all that jazz. I did the opposite move in the last month, I moved from renting a basement suite to living with a family. I’m only seventeen, so doing so took a lot of stress and a lot of the intensity of my anorexia away.
  Anyways, I’ve decided to post more often instead of follow the “no-news-is-good-news” method, so talk to you all very soon.
  xox

• 188 Aliyah // Aug 11, 2008 at 8:25 am

  wel done allecon! keep going, see food is good, u feel better when u have food
  and your so young, u hve ur whole life ahead of you, an you dont want ana in it!

  well, i hope everyones doing goood.ive been so good, last nite, i broke out of my ‘routine’ and had a bigg bow of creamy vanila ice cream befor ei went to bed. and it was so yummmy.
  yes i can feel ive gained sum weight, but so what? thats the whole point of recovery!!

  xxxxxxx

• 189 isabella mori // Aug 11, 2008 at 2:54 pm

  yay! our own aliyah just wrote a guest post for the blog here: http://tinyurl.com/5hod47

  thanks so much, aliyah!

• 190 Alleeconn // Aug 11, 2008 at 3:13 pm

  speaking about blogs…i have one of my own, i just started it though, so it’s still really small…
  http://takingitbacktoday.blogspot.com/

• 191 Jaycee // Aug 12, 2008 at 7:24 am

  I was having such a good month of August. I haven’t been restricting as much lately, and I was really feeling very confident about my recovery. Then, stupid stupid stupid me!!!! I decided to weight myself last night, and I freaked out. However, instead of starving, I went and ate two oreo cookies with two glasses of milk, nuts, and a brownie. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but it felt very insane to me. Then, my stomach looked huge and bloated, so I took a laxative. I know, so incredibly stupid. I hate myself for doing this. I just started crying immediately, but it was too late to do anything. NOw, i feel awful. My stomach feels worse and I just feel so awful for doing this. I have never used laxatives before and I just don’t ever want to have this feeling again.

  To everyone else out there, please keep fighting and don’t let things like this happen. I never want to feel this emotionally distraught or upset again.

• 192 Aliyah // Aug 12, 2008 at 11:05 am

  Jayce my love, i have been EXACTLY where you are. I used to weigh myself, get scared then take laxatived. and you know what IT DOESNT HELP. it makes u feel worse, its sore and its soo bad for your kidneys. It also mucks up your digestive system. dont take them.
  Listen your doing well, and your feeling better , your eatings going good, of course ana is going to creep in somehwre and try to beat you down. But dont let it! Throw those scales away!! you dont need em, all you know, is you have to gain, thats a scary scary prospect but you dont have to know how much you weigh, ana is always going to make it seem 100 times worse.
  Throw it away, throw away ur laxatuves, and listen to your soul. Listen to your body, when its hungry feed it, and eat whatever and whenever you want! you can afford to, you are NOT FAT at all, and ana is a big FAT lie.

  I want you to make a promise to yourself to get better, and I want you to write it down and read it every day. I want you to eat and i want you to gain weight, becuse thats the only way out of this mess. You feel terrible because you took a laaxtaive, dont undo your amazing month of august work.

  anytime u feel guilty eating, just think of this time when you feel so bad, and tell yourself, ana is never going to take away your problems only make them worse.

  im rooting for ya! i have every faith in you!
  and you know what? i ate loadsof sweets today and then a big diner. but so what? i need it. If i can do it, you can Jayce!

  keep posting!

  xxxxxxx

• 193 rachael // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:56 pm

  im having such a bad time, im huge:( i dunno what lese to think i need to loose weight ah im breaking down

• 194 Aliyah // Aug 13, 2008 at 1:55 am

  Rachel. that is the ana telling you that. deep down you know your not fat!! dont let ana get u down! its a bully.
  the onlty way to get over anorexia is to EAT. eat as muh as you can, and yor head will become clearer. dont deprove your body of anything, all its going to do is make u feel bad and terrible, and you’ll feel cold and lethargic.
  we want energy!
  you know you can win rahcel, just ignore the thoughts, and eat. There is no proof u are fat, so you know its false!

  xxxxx

• 195 Alleeconn // Aug 13, 2008 at 5:53 am

  Hey Rach…you’ll pull through this, I know it sounds easier said than done, that’s how I feel a lot or most of the time, but then theres days, like yesterday, where I feel how Aliyah and all the girls who are farther into their recovery. I had a great day yesterday, had three meals and then had a spoonful of peanut butter (which is probably so bad for me, but it’s soo good haha). And at first, after breakfast, I felt really guilty and gross and downright fat, but I thought about it, there was no way I could’ve been RIGHT after eating…and it’s true…by the end of the day, I didn’t feel gross at all, I almost felt normal.
  So keep working at it! Starting recovery (for me, at least) seems to be a yoyo of feeling really good and then feeling horrible, but in the end it’s all good!
  xox

• 196 Jaycee // Aug 13, 2008 at 6:54 am

  Rachel–Trust me I know exactly what you mean about feeling fat, but Aaliyah and Rachel are so right. If you continue to eat, the feelings will get less and less. Your body will thank you for giving it the nutrition that it needs. And dont worry about having bad days because everyone has them. We will always slip up and something might trigger us, but what is important is that you don’t let it ruin the next day. Yesterday, I had a really awful day, but today I am determined to make it better. I am not giong to let it completely ruin all my hard work, and I know that you have the strength to keep fighting.

  Alleecon–I’m so happy that you had a wonderful day. It is amazing to feel normal again even if it just lasts a couple of days. I’m so proud of you for eating three meals and peanut butter. Don’t worry about eating the peanut butter because it is so good for you. I am so happy that you are having a more positive attitude because recovery is about eating, but it is also about changing how you feel. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

  Aliyah—I really can’t say thank you enough. I loved your blog by the way. It was so inspiring and motivational. You are truly one of the nicest people that I have ever met. You give so much inspiration and guidance. You let me know that it is ok to eat and feel full because that is how we are suppose to feel. I am so happy that you have found such great clarity in your life because you totally deserve to live a happy and wonderful life free of this stupid ED. I am happy to say that I feel so much better today. Your words have motivated me to never ever use laxatives again. Thank you so very very much.

• 197 Aliyah // Aug 13, 2008 at 1:28 pm

  Allecon- Im glad you had a good day, recovery hs lots of ups and downs, but you will always pull thru. your mission is to regaain, and dont let anything or anyone stop you! when u regain u have ur old life bak, that isnt plagued by the horrible n evil ana who wnts to make you feel bad all the time!

  Jayce- your very sweet thank you. I have every faith in you, and I want you to be where I am. you will get there.
  You know wht i just had? I didnt even feel hungry, but i had choclate and a cake rusk and hell im gna eat sum more later. I LOVE food and snacking on it all day.
  Lifes better with the sweet taste of food. why deprive ourselves?we gain nothing at all.
  Im glad you feel better, keep it up nd give in to your bodys needs!
  Of course its ok to eat , thats one of our main purpose in life, we need food to survive.

  keep it up, the more you eat, the faster the recovery caseu belive me, you gain clarity and your mind has to be nourished.
  my uni starts in 8 weeks, and i really wnna put on weight ! i atually want to put it on, i wanna look like me, like a girl! im eating loads everyday, and themore i eat, the less guilty i feel n more i enjoy it!

  xxxxxxxx

• 198 Alleeconn // Aug 18, 2008 at 4:30 pm

  Hey everyone, what a live board we’ve been having lately…
  I had a great day today, I ate fairly well (better than usual) and instead of worrying about it, I sketched what I was feeling, went for a jog, and read posts on here…and you know what? When I thought about eating afterwards, I was good. It felt amazingly…normal…

  Just a question…have any of you listened to Kelly Clarkson’s song “Addicted”? She used to be bulimic, and when I listened closely to the lyrics, it sounds as if that is what the song is about. Let me know if you think the same. Talk to you all later!

  xox

• 199 Aliyah // Aug 19, 2008 at 3:10 am

  Allecon- nice to hear from you! im so happy urve been hving good days! yeh u feel totally normal when u try n eat normally n u feel good bout it. every time u do eat u n feel bad, u shud read the posts or do something to keep ur mind off the thougghts! way to go you!

• 200 Jaycee // Aug 19, 2008 at 6:38 am

  Alleeconn–Congratulations and keep up the good work! It always feels so good when you eat and you allow yourself to feel good about it. We all need to eat and enjoy every moment of it because we are so much more than ED. I am so happy that you were reading these posts to keep you motivated because they truly are great inspiration. I haven’t heard the Kelly Clarkson song, but I didn’t know that she had struggles with bulimia. I will try to check it out.

  As for me, I went on a trip this last weekend, and I was very nervous about restricting. I didn’t eat great, but I didn’t do completely terrible and I had a great great time. I saw Brad Paisley in concert and that was amazing.

  So everyone keep fighting and kicking an’s butt.

• 201 confused // Aug 21, 2008 at 3:02 pm

  hey everybody!
  just been readin some posts and alleconn i have heard that song by kelly clarkson i love it she is amazing!! hope you are doing well anyway, and thats really good that you kept ur mind occupied and ur feeling better in urself!

  jaycee im glad u had a good time on ur trip and u didnt restrict too much remember just keep eating, the way i look at it is u can literally eat exactly what u want at the moment because we need the food and we all need to gain weight! so everyone go eat!!

  aliyah u sound like ur doing well eating lovely cake wahoo!!

  i feel like i have eaten a ton literally a skip load of food, i had my normal food for the day which took me to about 1000 cals but then i ate sooo much lemon sponge cake that i baked yesterday and then had 4 bowls of cereal….i couldnt believe it i keep trying to tell myself its okay but ana keeps on at me…so i took some laxatives..only 4 though but i still feel stupid x x x hope everyone is okay i feel like i ramble on too much i apologise x x x

• 202 Sara // Aug 21, 2008 at 6:07 pm

  Alleeconn, that’s so great that you were able to listen to the voice of reason within yourself and mock ana for playing tricks on you! Keep it up–the only way to get rid of that inner critic is to talk back. I like your sketching strategy – have to try that myself sometime.

  Confused, it’s okay that you ‘ramble on’ – you’re venting and being honest about how you feel, and that is good. Just take it one day at a time, you are making progress. It sounds like you’re bingeing you’re hungry… There’s no shame in eating cereal and cake. 1000 calories is less than half what you need to get by. Try eating bigger meals and a protein snack like nuts or something before bed.

  I had a moment of clarity in church yesterday. I realized what I need to do. I can’t keep on trying to control my weight or my body. At all.

  I have to give up the notion that I can be as thin as I want to be. Even if what I am now isn’t “up to snuff”. I am what I am, and it’s my responsibility to take good care of my body, not try to change it into a younger or more ‘adequate’ one.

  I’m still working out moderately, but I’ve made a commitment to *stop restricting whatsoever*. I am also not weighing myself any longer. There’s no need–I’m not obese, and if I’m not going to *try* losing weight, why should the number on the scale mean anything to me?

• 203 Sara // Aug 21, 2008 at 6:16 pm

  [just bookmarking this page so I can get emailed the new comments]

  Also I meant to add that I ate normally again today, even bought myself a soda and felt fine afterwards.

  I’ve still been confused and wondering how and why I managed to slip after coming this far – the “Why oh why is this happening to me AGAIN?” blues. This morning I think I found my answer. One of my clients in the drug/alcohol recovery group approached me after and asked if I had any information on bulimia because he was struggling with it himself. I would never have guessed, and I agreed to work with him separately after groups. Sad that he’s in jail and these 15-min. sessions may be the only help he can afford. At least now I feel that I have more to offer him than before. So this is kind of a blessing in disguise.

• 204 Aliyah // Aug 22, 2008 at 2:33 am

  Sara- thats sos wonderful, u ate normally and had sum clarity Honestly, you really shud not weigh urself, i think umade a good decision there, cause numbers do not matter. neither does bod shape or size! And uno, were not puttin on weight, wer regaining weight we lost, the last thing on ur mind shud be losing it, cause we dnt need to!
  I find, and im being 100% honest here, the days i eat a bit less cause im busy at work or something, i get ana thoughts. The days where i eat loads , i dont. its amazing, but it shows u, ana only cmes when u deprive urself, n our bodies r so weak, even jus a little deprivation, can lead to ana striking. Today for breakasfat i had a banana, yohgurt, biscotti, n chcolaty cereal bar with frui juice, and i felt sooo good after. no ana thoughts at all.
  so please, never restrict, n dont deprive urself
  xx

• 205 Sara // Aug 22, 2008 at 1:28 pm

  Hey, Aliyah, you’re doing amazing! Yeah, I find the only time I feel guilty about what I eat is when I am actually restricting. It feels great to just not worry again. And you’re right–throwing away the scale is really the only way to go for me. I can’t bargain my way through recovery.

• 206 Aliyah // Aug 22, 2008 at 1:31 pm

  I know what u mean, we shud really just try to eat as much as we can all the time, so we get less thoughts the only way out of this mess is to regain our weight back!

  xx

• 207 Meagan // Aug 23, 2008 at 9:47 am

  I have recently started the process of recovering from anorexia. I was a restrictive eater, or I’d chew the food and then find a way to just spit it out. I am 5 feet .08 inches and weigh 83 lbs. I realize that things need to change otherwise my hopes of becoming an actress and moving out to California and New York could be cut short. In the long run I would rather realize my dream than get close enough to taste the dream and have it ruined by health problems. However I am nervous because I know that my metabolism has most likely suffered. I know i need to gain weight but I want to know how to do it without suddenly puffing up or getting jiggly in my thighs and hips (as this seems to be the main problem area.) I’d like to turn myself into a fit and toned person, so that i have a good beach bod without doing it dangerously. Can you help me? I have yet to see a dietition/nutritionist and we are currently finding a facility for me to begin recovery. But can you give me some advice please?

• 208 Aliyah // Aug 23, 2008 at 11:21 am

  Megan- well done on deciding to overcome ur eating disorder. belive me, its the best thing ull ever do in ur life! ana takes away so much from you. yeah atthe start its hard to eat, bt have small meals regulary, this helps ur metablism to get used to food. slowly u will feel more and more hungry and u need to adress all ur cravings and hunger. The nutrionist is a really good idea I had one at the start, but always eat 3 meals and snacks, no diet stuff no low calorie stuff. u shud be eating 2500 to 4000 calories but start off with what u can. If u want a nice figure, u need to regain all the weight u lost first, no exercise at all jus now, u willput urself more in danger. your bodies weak, its all about eating lots of food, whichis scary but ive been doing it for nearly a year now, n it gets easier as u eat more n more, the anarexia thoughts get less, u must fight, any bad thought and feeling is all the eating disrder, occupy ur attention away from it, by talkin to ur family or reading or something.
  You can do this! its a long journey, but iu will regain ur life bak. also chek out the something fishy website, its got lotsss more info

  keep posting! lots of luck, you are NOT ALONE
  x

• 209 Meagan // Aug 23, 2008 at 7:22 pm

  Thank you so much; I’ve read all the past posts on here and they seem really helpful.

• 210 Alleeconn // Aug 24, 2008 at 1:17 pm

  hello meagan, sara, and confused… I don’t think I’ve met you guys yet, so just thought I’d pop in…

  Meagan this board has (along with my determination to get better) changed my way of thinking tremendously. Your goals are doable! But as Aliyah said, you need to bring yourself to a healthy weight first so you do not put yourself into more danger. At this point, exercise could also become an obsession along with the ana. But with time you can do it! And we are ALWAYS here for you, I check on here a lot, as do Aliyah and Jaycee, so feel free to vent or whatever as much as you need, I know I do!

  Anyways, enough with my rambling…
  This Friday I have my first nutritionist appointment (finally! there was a month-long waiting list, so sad, really….) I’m looking forward to it now, whereas before I was dreading it in a way…It’s another step forward, so yay!
  How is everyone else doing?

• 211 Aliyah // Aug 24, 2008 at 1:22 pm

  Hii allecon!
  ive been doing good, last nite i ate loadss of ice cream, and today i had popcorn. im jus tryin to eat as much as i can everyday.
  oo a nutrionist! thats realllly good, its helpful, i used to hve one , and it helped me a lot at the start, this a is good step in the right direcion. yu are most definetly winning,. the dread u felt was ana tryin to make u anxious about it. this is soo good for you, be proud and eat lots

• 212 confused // Aug 24, 2008 at 2:55 pm

  hello everybody!
  hope everybody is doing well?? nice to finally kinda meet you alleeconn, i hope your first appointment with the nutritionist goes well, and i think its great that ur still determined to get over this horrid disease, i think its amazing that everybody is doing so well on here! you guys make me eat more which is sooo good, though i have eaten sooo much today i would say like 3o00 calories and ive been eating so much this past week ive gained quite a few pounds and im getting really worried now cause its going on so quickly, im thinking of cutting the calories abit what do u guys think??
  aliyah you sounds like your still doing really well, eating ice cream…good choice i love it!!! well keep eating lots and block out ana
  muchus love xxxx

• 213 Aliyah // Aug 24, 2008 at 3:08 pm

  Confused- Hiii! glad to hear ur doing so well! but uno can not cut back on ur calories! it may seem like ur eating a lot but u need sooo much, our bodies have been thru so much, its going to take it alot of food to recovery. u must keep eating as much as u have been. see in programmes, anorexics recieve 4000+ calories until thy are at their ideal weight. so u must keep it up and keep eating noo matter what!
  lots of luck x

• 214 confused // Aug 24, 2008 at 3:12 pm

  aliyah do you have msn??? are you still online now would be great to chat properly….xx

• 215 Aliyah // Aug 24, 2008 at 3:14 pm

  um yeah but im not onmsn, i hardly use it.
  how about i give u it, u can send me an email, ill reply to it
  its quitelate here i was going to bed soon
  but add me on alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com
  send me a mail

• 216 Alleeconn // Aug 24, 2008 at 4:09 pm

  Confused…you do not need to cut back on calories at all! It might feel like it’s going on really fast, but the truth is it isn’t! That’s ana trying to get some say in all this…I know that I still count calories like crazy, and I used to research them until I was blue in the face, and I can tell you that you use at least half of that just to keep your organs functioning happily! So you couldn’t afford to “cut calories”.

  Aliyah…do you mind if I email you occassionally as well?

  Have a good night!

• 217 Meagan // Aug 26, 2008 at 12:45 pm

  I leave for Rogers Memorial tomorrow morning. I’ve been having mood swings though where sometimes i feel good and other times i feel horrified. Since this past thursday I’ve been having small breakfast lunch and dinner (occasionally a snack) with my parents watching, and i have to stick around in their eyesight for at least 45 min. afterwards. I’ve been trying to sneak some exercise in (nothing major mind you) because i don’t want the weight i gain to turn straight to fat. I read that Jessica Alba overcame anorexia and now look at her, she’s not fat, she’s lean and toned. I want to be able to do that but since I haven’t seen a dietition or nutritionist yet and I’m not in the hospital yet I’m not allowed to work out. I’ve gained about 4 lbs. in the past 3 days and that’s with the small exercise. I’m afraid that I’ll just keep gaining and gaining and won’t be able to manage to just keep one designated weight.

• 218 Aliyah // Aug 26, 2008 at 1:29 pm

  Allecon, nah go ahead! i loveit.
  how r u anyway?xxx

• 219 rachael // Aug 26, 2008 at 3:06 pm

  hey you all…im up at 112 pretty much my goal weight well my goal weight was 110 and teh dr’s was 115 so im like in the middle haha but im jsut nervous cause its hard to like balance eating…like i dont wanna keep gaining wieght but i also dont wanna loose weight but im not too sure on how to maintain my weight…i have no one really here at school to talk to and my roommates dont understand and i know i shouldnt compare myself to them but i eat way more than them and they are tiny and it like makes me feel like poo ah im getting through this but i just wish i had someone to like talk to its so haard

• 220 confused // Aug 26, 2008 at 4:18 pm

  hi rachael
  thats brilliant that your up to 112 u must be so proud, do not feel like poo tho u have to think positive all the time and just remember how food makes u feel and how much healthier u are now and how not eating destroyed and over took ur life u do not wanna go back to that so please dont compare urself to ur friends, i bet u look a million times better then them!!!! if u wanna talk im here im still a long long way from my target weight so maybe we can help eachother!!! to maintain ur weight u just have to keep eating a healthy balance of good nutritious food, but it does also depend on ur height and weight and age!!! hope to hear from u soonx x x x x

• 221 Sara // Aug 26, 2008 at 6:51 pm

  Hey Rachael! it’s good to hear from you. Sorry you’re feeling uncomfortable–but that’s so good to hear that you’re nearing a healthy weight. Keep pressing on, you know you are doing the right thing so don’t pay any attention to what others are doing.

  I’ve found that a lot of the people who make you feel inferior about your weight or how much you eat often have eating problems themselves. You never know what someone else is going through. (The one girl I ‘modeled’ myself after in my eating disorder turned out to be anorexic, and they wouldn’t let her come back to school because they were afraid she would die! Talk about a wakeup call.) And sometimes people are just different. You eat what’s right for you. If you do compare, look at people who feel comfortable with their bodies and just be your sweet, funny, lovable self.

  I’m doing a lot better this week. I haven’t weighed myself at all like I said. That helps a lot. When I don’t get on the scale, I have no standard to compare myself to, so I don’t focus on trying to lose weight. I know I am above what I normally weigh, but that is okay. I am healthier than I have been in quite a while, which is what’s most important. And I am happy with myself.

  (Today on my way to church, I realized that in my hurry I’d forgotten to eat dinner, so I pulled into a McDonalds and got a couple of snack wraps. As I pulled out, I was like, “Hey… I just bought McDonalds food without even thinking about it. Way to go. )

• 222 Meagan // Aug 26, 2008 at 9:35 pm

  I’m scared because I’ve gone up to about 86/87 lbs. in the last five days by eating 3 small meals w/occasional snacks. I’ve been sneaking in little bits of exercise here and there to try and help turn some of it into muscle but still. Apart from my arms i don’t see much of a problem. I mean i don’t think my body looks to bad and neither do my friends. My friends think i look fine, I asked them to be 100% honest with me and even a friend of mine who is obese thought i looked fine. So now that I am on the track to learning how to eat again and I am going away to a hospital where they give you breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. How do i not gain crazy amounts of weight? I’d be fine with 98 lbs. at the most, I could handle that. However, I’m scared that they won’t let me get exercise. I’m afraid I’ll just keep gaining and gaining. I’m barely 5’1 I don’t look good with alot of weight on me….I’m horrified. What do I do?????

• 223 Aliyah // Aug 27, 2008 at 1:36 am

  Megan you wont keep gaining and gaining, honestly at the start of y reecovery i put on weight easily for like 3 months, like 2 pounds a week! it was scary but after it balanced out, and my metabolism got faster. When u are fed more and more, ur body uses it up faster. and because our bodies are so damaged they need ALOT of repair, and all the energy u use all day, all needs lots of calories. U shuldnt be exercising at all, at this stage it will slow down ur recovery, and u dont want that. calm down and realise its anorexia trying to mke uscared, u need to learn to eat normal amounts of food, and people with anorexia need to eat a lot of food, a lot more than the ‘normal’ person. u wull be fine, ur gna be with experts, they know much better than anorexa, and they will watch ur weight, they will not let it spiral out of control. You said u gained in the last 3 days, but thats not real weight, because a lot of it will be water retention, u shudnt weigh urself every day and if u mustweigh urself once a week isbeter. that gives u a truer picture. weight flunctuates ALOT, i remember for me it used to go up by like 6ppounds during the day! that was scary, but then i stopped weighing myself, and its soo much better!
  good luck, eat well:)

• 224 Aliyah // Aug 27, 2008 at 1:42 am

  Rachel- hey! lovely to hear from you, i think that is such amazing news that u reached ur ideal weight!! im soooooooooo happy for u, ur body is much healtheier and its soo good. u must be full of energy all the time,, really its so motivating.just like sara sed, everyone has different food needs so try not to compare, just be urself:) and treat ur body like ur best friend and be good to it always:)

  sara- well done on the mcds! i bet it was really tasty. glad to know uve been doing well. dont u find as u eat more and more the voices get less and lesss? i certainly do, and its nice to hear ur happy with urself its definetly not good to weigh urself, its better to learn ur body is chaging, accept it and love it!
  ino ive gained a little the last few weekd, but im enjoying all the food im eating, and i feel happy in myself , its such a nice feeling to when i was in the grips of ana feeling like crap all the time

  keep eating everyone! the only way out of this mess is regain our weigt back and our life bak!
  x
  x

• 225 rachael // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:51 pm

  hey yall! i have been doing better since you all commented woo im up to my goal weight and idk i kinda like having more meat on my bones haha instead of feeling weak all the time who cares if i have a little burrito on my tummy as long as im happy you know? and my body hasnt felt this good in awhiel…i was very daring tonight and i drank soda! not diet soda either…thats a big step for me haha like i refuse to drink anything besides water and diet stuff so drinking plan soda is a huge step and i was going to go to the gym but i just said you know what my body needs a rest…its much easier not having to deal with food problems i love my new body and who cares about my roommates i mean i do but who cares about comparing them…you know they can be perfect in their own way and me being healthy makes me beautiful on the inside and out! haha sorry i sound cheesy but i am happy you all understand what im going through and its a big step to actually like my imperfections on my body so yea! i had to get that all out. i love having a butt that fits in jeans!!! hahaha instead of everything falling off you know? im glad you’ll are doing well

  sara-good about the mcdonalds ive been craving a hamburger and i might give in soon haha, but yea i think one of my roommates has a problem she hasnt lost weight but she constantly is thinking about excersizing and calories and her whole family is like that so she learned it from her family ou know? but i do worry about her and she kinda puts a damper on my recovery but i have learned that we are different people and i need to eat more than her but yea i dunno how to talk to her about it…any advice?

• 226 Sara // Aug 27, 2008 at 6:28 pm

  Hey Rache! You sound radiant! That is awesome that you can now eat McDonalds and soda and feel good about yourself. Yeah, what really matters is that you are happy. And you ARE beautiful inside and out, girlfriend!

  I honestly don’t know what you can do for your friend beyond pray and accept her as she is. I remember (and you can probably relate) that the people I felt most comfortable with were people who weren’t obsessed with their bodies, who took the time to be Real, to show they cared about me and were interested in things I felt were important in life. I mean just genuinely connecting with me. It was when I began to connect with people that my eating disorder began to lose its hold on me.

  That said, there are a lot of ways you could open the topic or have a conversation about it. I still wish someone had had an honest discussion with me about what eating disorders are and let me know I was not alone. But of course, ultimately I had to come around to the realization that I wanted to stop. You can’t control what she does.

  I’ve had a lot of friends with eating disorders. In the past I always felt really uncomfortable talking about it, but now that some time has gone by, I don’t mind coming out saying “Yeah, I used to be anorexic” when people ask why I got into psychology. So they know they can talk to you if they want help or a shoulder to cry on. I think it’s the painful experiences in life the give us the ability to be more compassionate.

• 227 Aliyah // Aug 28, 2008 at 1:48 am

  Rachel- go you! wel done on not gtting diet soda, ino what a big step that is, and it just shows u are winning! i had normal pepsi the other dau too, and i felt so good about it. diet stuff is no good for us anyway, its full of hidden nasty sugars, so its no good forus! well done on reaching ur goal weight, and im so happy u like it! its a big inspiration!

  and by the wa jst to everyone on this site, im reading a book called ‘Anorexia- a stranger in the family’ by Katie Metcalfe. and its just about her struggles with anorexia,and overcomin it then the second part is about her familys views and the ;as part if full of helpful hints. id give it a read. and really NONE of us are alone, we all must keep fighting the demon that is anorexia!

  xx

• 228 rachael // Aug 28, 2008 at 5:01 am

  oh that book sounds interesting i might check it out, i love reading haha…i am currently reading “next to nothing” by carrie arnold, and its about her struggles through a seven year battle with anorexia and bulimia, its really good she explains all the steps to recovery and it has been a major help to me, like the other day when i was feeling down about gaining weight i just read this book and it made me feel good about myself, i would really recomend it…my psychiatrist recommended it!

• 229 Jaycee // Aug 28, 2008 at 6:22 am

  Hello everyone. I haven’t posted in a few days because I had to go on a business trip. It is so lovely to see all the new posts and to read all of your inspiration to each other. I am so happy for all of you because you are trying to recover, and even though some days are harder than others, this is a major step for everyone.

  Megan–I just want you to know that we are all here for you and we want you to beat this thing because I know that you are a wonderful and beautiful person that deserves to live a full and normal life. About the weight gain, your body will adjust and even out, you just have to trust it. I know that it is really scary, but you deserve to eat and rest your body because it is so fragile right now.

  Rachael–I am so happy that you reached a healthy weight, and I am sure that you feel amazing. I hope that I can make my goal weight because I want to have a ton of energy and git rid of all the an thoughts. Words can’t really express how proud I am of you. As far as maintaining your weight, just listen to your body. Without an there to make things more confusing, your body will know how much to eat and when to eat. Furthermore, I am sure that it is a great feeling to actually live life and not constantly worry about food. Awesome job!

  Sara–Wow!!! You just pulled into McDonalds and ordered like a normal person. That is amazing and I am so so proud of you. It is so great that you realized that you needed to eat dinner and then you actually followed through with eating dinner. I am still struggling with acting on my needs for food, but it is so inspiring to hear your story and everyone else’s great accomplishments. Also, I really loved the advice and support that you gave Megan because your words are so true.

  Aaliyah–You are truly an inspiration to everyone on this forum. You know just what to say and really make my day much better. Keep winning the fight because you deserve to live a wonderful life.

  As for me, I have been doing ok these past few days. I am still struggling with restricting, but I try very hard to eat as normal as possible. I wish that I would just stop weighing myself, but it is such a hard habit to break. I really really want to stop, but it is almost like I can’t function without doing it. Sorry to be a bummer!

• 230 Aliyah // Aug 28, 2008 at 6:38 am

  Jayce- hello honestly please try to eat as much as you can. i know how hard it is not to weigh turself, but uno, i had the same problem, and uno what, i just stopped, i didnt throw the scales out, i just couldnt be bothered. i was like whats the point of going thru life worrying about a STUPID number. why dont u try and weight urself once every two weeks or something, and then slowly make it less and less?

  and today i am so proud of myself, i went out to a cafe for lunch with my aunt, and i ordered a huge tuna mayo paninin. i saw it, n i got scared cause it was so big, but uno what, i ate it ALL. it was so buttery and rich but i thoght i deserve this, and to be honest we all do.
  lets all enjoy food, its poart of living.
  keep strong jayce, when u eat more, the voices get less, so treat urself u truely deserve it.

• 231 rachael // Aug 28, 2008 at 11:25 am

  wow aliyah! good job on the tuna panini it makes me want one haha, and jayce…waht aliyah said is right the more you eat the more your body will get used to the nutrition and the healthier you will feel, also the more you eat the more the negative thoughts leave…trust me i would be looking at the mirror and feel i looked disgusting so i forced myself to eat cause im crazy and sometimes before i eat ill look in the mirror to make sure im not too fat or w.e(my old thoughts) so i would force myself to eat after the negative thoughts were in my head and then i would feel so much better after eating and i didnt look any different and the more i have been eating the less i have been struggling

• 232 Jaycee // Aug 29, 2008 at 2:08 pm

  Well, I made it through another work week. I am so proud of everyone’s accomplishments this week. Keep up the good work!!!

  I am excited about my weekend, but also nervous. I am going to a baseball game tonight, which is all about ballpark food. It just seems like everything revolves around food and parties. It is so frustrating sometimes to worry about eating so much that it affects your day to day life. I just want to stop worrying about simple things like this, but it is harder than it sounds. I have eaten fairly decent this week, but I started slipping again over the past week. I know that food makes everything more clear and is my medicine, but I am sick of having my mom be the food police all the time. She is constantly asking me if i am eating and if i gained weight. I would much rather do this for me instead of trying to meet her expectations all the time. So frustrating!!! She just makes me really uncomfortable, and I know that she just cares, but it is so hard for anyone to understand. I hope everyone has a great weekend and good luck with the fight!

• 233 Aliyah // Aug 31, 2008 at 2:44 am

  hey girls!! i just wanted to share a really good idea i had with everyone. september is soo close, and think we shud write a list of all the foods which we maybe hardly ever have, or better still haventhad in a long time due to that horribl voice. and make a long list of these foods and then throuout the course of september, eat them at sum point. show urself u can beat ana and enjoy those yummy treats which u deprived urself, and lets face it, we dnt need to deprive ourselves do we!
  ill show u mines it contains muffins, pizza, cereal, snickers ( choccie bar) , no diet juice or drinks and doritos. so im gna work really hard to eatthose, and i reallly know everyone on this can do it, and be one step closer to regaining their ana free life back!!
  i have soo much faith in everyone write don ur lists on here if u want, and everyone will motivate each other to get thru them?

  i had choccie cake last nite, and it was a really rich 3 layerers of chocolate cake and went out to dinner for an inidna and yes i felt a little bad, but then i thought so what, i deserve this, this is what normal eating is about

  how is everyone?
  x

• 234 Jaycee // Sep 2, 2008 at 11:23 am

  Aaliyah–I think that the fear foods list is a great idea. Also, great job already eating some of your fear foods. I also just want to add that my list includes eating normal meals instead of choosing pre-packaged snacks. I choose the pre-packaged food because I know exactly how many calories it has, but I want that to be part of my list. So here goes:

  muffins, pancakes, cinnamon rolls (donuts), iced cookies, french fries, doritos, pasta, breadsticks or cheese bread…..this is just to start with….haha….i am really ambitious!

• 235 Aliyah // Sep 2, 2008 at 1:24 pm

  Jayce- heyy!! ive already accomplishe done fear food smoothies. i think its cause theyr pretty calorific, but ive had two in the last two days and i loved it! so its possible, to beat it! just dont let ana win ever!

  oo ur list is great! one at a time, but yummmy. if u find sum foods much harder then have a little bit of them, uno like a smalll plate of pasta so u dnt feel to overehwlemd! lots of luck on it ! u cannnnn sooooo do it. and u deserve all thse foods, dnt see them as a list if fear foods, see it is a list of beautfiful yummy things that ana deprives u of, and think WHY SHUD ANA DEPRIVE ME!!

  lets beat her eh!

  xx

• 236 isabella mori // Sep 2, 2008 at 8:00 pm

  hello everyone – again, it’s great to see you people supporting each other here!

  and you know what, even though there are not always tons of people posting, there are nevertheless lots and lots of people who read this page. it’s consistently one of the most visited pages on this blog!

  on another note, i just wanted to tell you that this month’s carnival of eating disorders is up (strange title, huh?).

  here is part 1. i would be interested in your comments!

• 237 Alleeconn // Sep 3, 2008 at 12:17 am

  Hey everyone, I haven’t been on in soo long, I’ve been incredibly busy… =(
  I went to a nutritionist, and we now meet every Wednesday for creating meal plans! I am so stoked. But I am also scared, I have eaten only 4 foods consistantly since having ana, and everything (EVERYTHING!) else is a fear food…so this is going to be scary….but I’m glad to hear everyone else is making progress, it pushes me on.
  I have to stop looking at calories and measuring my food too…that’ll be tough, because I NEED to know how many calories are in what i eat…but Its part of getting control back right? Anyways, it’s well past midnight so I’m off to bed. Love and hugs,
  nite!

• 238 Aliyah // Sep 3, 2008 at 1:27 am

  allecon- heyyy well done on going to s nutrionist! its a big step in the right drection and thats why anas fighting bak hard! it doesnt want u to get beter and go to a nutrinist! no it wants u to drpive urself foood and be ill.
  when i first got my nutrionuist plan it was wayy tp big and very scary, i had to have 3 meals and 3 snacks, and i was soo scared. but honestly, do it one meal and a time, one day at a time, when ur haviv breakfast dnt sit thinkin about lunch, jus enjoy it and then keep urself occupied with sumthing. we all have foods we are scared of, but its only coz of ana, u have the power and strenght within u defy her, and eat those foods. i have every faith in u follow the meal plan no matter how bad it makes u feel, its for YOUR benefit only not anas.

  xx

• 239 Aliyah // Sep 3, 2008 at 1:32 am

  oh allecon- about the calories, dnt need to know the exact amounts for anything, if ur in recivery u shd be having abouut 2000-4000 caloires a day. yes we need to eat a lot of food, but when u decde wha ur gna eat, when u decide ur gnahave a certain food and complete urmeal plan then u are in control, and not ana, even though ana may be tellin u ur fat adn dont deserve it, it only says that to get control bak, so keep eating! i used to calorie count like crazy, i stppped now, i cnt bebothered anymre, i jus have a rough idea and thats it, its obsessive and we dnt neeed itin our lives as long as u have a good blaced diet of all sorts of foods ( unhealthy ones too) u will get better xx

• 240 Jaycee // Sep 3, 2008 at 10:41 am

  Alleeconn—Awesome job going to the nutritionist! That is a major step in the right direction. Also, just take each day one step at a time. Don’t think about the next meal or the next because that will just fuel ana. You can do it and I am so proud of your accomplishment!

  I did better yesterday with my eating, but I really didn’t do great in August. I am trying to make September a much more balanced month. Wish me luck.

• 241 Jaycee // Sep 4, 2008 at 8:45 am

  Well, I almost made a terrible terrible mistake again. Last month, I posted how I took laxatives for the very first time. It was scary and upsetting and really really stupid of me because I know that they are dangerous and really bad for your body. I felt really awful after doing it and I vowed to never do that again. Last night, I ate a normal dinner and then I really wanted a dessert. I treated myself to ice cream and a brownie. It was delicious and sweet and cold and just all around yummy, but then I felt really guilty. I wish I could make those feelings stop but I can’t. Plus, my stomach seemed so bloated and full. I really wanted to take some laxatives to end the bloating, but I finally convinced myself that i shouldn’t because I said that I would never do that. It is so weird how an makes you feel so crazy sometimes. I just decided to relax and watch tv to ease my anxiety. Luckily, my boyfriend called and distracted me for a little while, and I finally decided that it was too stupid for me to do take laxatives because last time it just made me feel awful. I thought about the board and everyone here, and I am so glad that I didn’t do it. I feel fine this morning becuase I had a natural bowel movement, and I am happy that I didn’t do it. I just try to remember all the positive comments on here and stay motivated. It is hard…..really really really hard sometimes, but I managed to push through. I just want to say thanks to everyone because your inspiration made me not do it.

• 242 Aliyah // Sep 4, 2008 at 1:26 pm

  Jayce= well done on not giving in to ana! u deserve that desert and it sounds so tasty! its soo good u didnt do it, im so proud. ur allowed to treat urself! u deserve it.
  i feel really full just now, i had a big dinner n i ate all day, but after readin ur little post i feel better so thanks! next time u feel like that just dsitract urself, and do sutmhing, never give in to ana ok! she is evil, well done agen, keep it up enjoy the yummy food

• 243 Sara // Sep 4, 2008 at 2:00 pm

  Way to go, Jaycee!!!!!!! That is marvelous. Keep up the good work.

  I’m doing a lot better since kinda having a turnaround a couple of weeks ago. Along with not weighing myself, I really slacked off on going to the gym. (Slacked off as opposed to eased up, because I just didn’t go at all for about 2 weeks.) I’m easing back in, but I have kept my promise about not weighing myself. And it is helping a lot. I’ve been tempted, but I think I am starting to realize that just because my body has changed to being *technically overweight* doesn’t mean I’m not healthy or that it’s wrong in any way.

  Actually, I look back over pictures of myself from the past 10 years and I realize that the ones where I was a bit heavier were a great improvement on anything where I was skinny. I think I look and feel better now than I did in college because I am active and in a good state of mind. I realize looks aren’t everything, but you do convey something of how you feel inside through your posture, your energy, your body’s vitality. I like myself the way I am, and no chart can tell me differently.

• 244 Alleeconn // Sep 4, 2008 at 3:37 pm

  Jaycee, I am smiling for you right now! Great job making the right (and healthy) choice against ana! Your strength is inspiring.
  Sara it’s good to hear you’ve dumped the scale…that was my biggest challenge, and I still struggle with it. I work out like crazy still, but maybe soon, like you, that will be a thing of the past.
  How are you, lovely Aliyah? How are things going?

  I’ve been struggling the last few days, I feel like giving in almost 95% of the time…now that school has started I just have to see someone thinner than I and I start feeling disgusting again. And my stomachs bigger and bloated…it’s horrid.
  Everyone says I look good, but I feel so …fat… sometimes.
  Anyways, that’s all for now, just thought I’d congradulate and vent.
  love and hugs

• 245 Meagan // Sep 4, 2008 at 6:19 pm

  I’m out of inpatient and am doing partial. I really hope that it will be over soon. I really appreciate all their doing but the restrictions on physical activity in general is just pissing me off! I can’t do anything it seems

• 246 Sarahmarie // Sep 6, 2008 at 6:07 pm

  Hey everyone,

  I’m Sarah, maries my middle name if you were wondering.. I noticed someone else on here with the same name so I thought it would be less confusing if I put marie after. For the passed 3 months I’ve been told by my doctor and my parents that I have anorexia and I’m just beginning to believe them. This last year I started to work out everyday after school and started to eat healthier. It soon became obsessive and I began working out longer each day and started restricting myself from “bad” foods. It all happened so fast, I didn’t even notice that anorexia had taken over my life. From what started as getting a little exercise became jogging 45 mins a day burning 500 calories. And what started as eating healthier and becoming vegetarian became only eating about 1000 cals a day not subtracting the 500 off. This went on for about 6 months until in June, my mom started getting suspicious that something was wrong. She took me to see my doctor for a check up and I weighed exactly 100 and measured in at 5’6. I was totally shocked because I hadn’t even tried to weigh myself that whole 6 months. My doctor and parents began to get worried because last time I saw my doctor which was last summer I weighed 117. Since then my parents had tried the Maudsley approach but had little success. I like to have control over what I eat and when I eat it. This lasted for like a month and a half and I managed to get down to 95 pounds. Now, once a week I’m seeing a eating disorder therapist and a nutritionist who are working as a team. I Just had my first appointments with them last week and my moms agreed to go a different approach and back off and let my (team) and I fight Annie off. But if I don’t show at least me maintaining my weight my parents are going to take back control and maybe even send me to the hospital. But yeah this is basically where I’m at right now. I’m just beginning to hopefully start recovering. I haven’t been allowed to exercise at all, and its killing me. I hate being lazyyy and just sitting around and not getting any physical activity. Recently I secretly started doing some little exercises here and there, when no ones watching. I kno, that its just ana in my head telling me I need to get some what of a workout, but I can’t help it. Today I looked in my full length mirror and for the first time I started thinking I looked fat! That made me want to restrict at lunch, and I ended up eating hardly anything : (

  Haha wow, I didn’t even realize how much I wrote, sorry. I just had to let that all out. “/
  Oh and by the way im only 15.

  I read a few of your guy’s posts and their all really inspiring. It’s really nice to see there’s a place where everyone is supportive of each other in beating this disgusting disease. I hope you will all welcome me, and I’ll try and do my best to give anyone some advice If they want it. Best wishes.

  -Sarah

• 247 Allee Conn // Sep 7, 2008 at 12:00 am

  Hey saramarie, it’s good to hear your story and hear that you want change. That is the first step in taking back control.
  I just wanted to pop in with a little “welcome”! And I will write more tomorrow, but it’s late where I am so I’m just going to sleep right now.
  Aliyah, Jaycee, Rach…how are you girls doing?
  xox

• 248 Aliyah // Sep 7, 2008 at 2:48 am

  sarah marie- welcome! its so good to hear uve finally decided to get ana out ur life. control is the big issue, but if u truely want to be in control of what u want to eat , u have to let go of ana. u need to listen to the doc n nutrionist and eat everythingon the meal plan no matter what ana says. by regaining weight u will get ur life bak, u wil have energy and feel free and hapy. it takes a long time, but it can be done!! you need be really strong in this fight, and when u hear the vocie challenge it by eating more and pissing it off. its the only way out, the last thing u want is to be unhapy, tired , cold and lethargic due to anarexia. but keep posting, we will all support u

  allecoon- im sooo good just now!! ive been eating so much n i dont care . my jeans are tigher, but i feel happier, more energy and i like it. how are u?
  x

• 249 rachael // Sep 7, 2008 at 8:36 am

  hey ya’ll… ah i dont get why this is such a struggle i wanna belive in myself and just be who i am and not care about my little flaws, i am trying to focus on my good qualities. and you know what if i am the only one who sees my good qualities thats all i need, i care about other people but i shouldn’t care what some people think, basically i think the hardest struggle of eating disorders is finding who you are and feeling comfortable with yourself, that has helped me overcome a lot of my struggles, you girls have great personalities! and we will beat this thiiings i know it so hard i hate the thoughts going through my head right now

  how are you girls?

  ps i was wondering if any of you know how to look up like support groups in the area, i am having a difficult time here at collegee without a therapist and i wanted to talk to somebody in person you know?
  thanks

  -everytime one of you feel bloated or gross do something you enjoy to keep your mind of it!

• 250 Aliyah // Sep 7, 2008 at 11:10 am

  rachell heyaaa uno the best way to honestly recover is to really truely want it, and accept that regain is part of the process. once u can accept theres gna be big changes – in our bodies and lives.
  you are so right about finding urself is the hardest thing to do and accept it, but it can be done, and we need to love ourselves and not care what people think . when that voice comes into ur head, u kill it by ignoringit and overcomin it. u can do it of course! i have every faith.
  and im sorry i dunno how u findout about other support groups, but i wud fone the doctor, cause thru my doc i got into councelling. so try that? hows ur eating?
  xxx

• 251 rachael // Sep 7, 2008 at 3:01 pm

  ok i dunno i think ive been posting on the wrong one haha but aliayh- i never count calories haha its too difficult for mee i try to cook things and eat things that i dont know how many calories i just try to keep it healthy and i know ill be fine….but about my ideal weihgt the last time i weighed myself was like 2 weeks ago and it was 112 i only wanted to weigh 110 when i started to recover..my doctor recomended about 120 but before i lost weight i was only 115 anyway so im pretty much there at like 112…how about you are you at your ideal wieght or anything?

• 252 Aliyah // Sep 7, 2008 at 3:06 pm

  awww thats nice ur at ur ideal weight range. yeah i can see the logic in eating foods that u dnt know the calories of. im not there im not too far, jus gt like 10 pounds to go or so. yea post in this one, i think we have been doin it in the rong one.i dont really calorie count too much i just have rough ideas anf stuff but im comfy knowing. i love wakin up full of energy but its the best!!
  u go to colleh or anything?
  xx

• 253 Sara // Sep 7, 2008 at 6:09 pm

  Hey, Rachael! So good to hear from you!

  I think I can help you with your questions. As to counseling, you should go to the health center at your college, they offer free counseling and most all their therapists should know how to deal with eating disorders as it’s very common in college-age youth. They may also be able to hook you up with a support group.

  Also, what your doctor recommended is probably right on target. What a lot of people don’t know is that you do some growing during your 18-25 age range that isn’t just height. So even if you started at 115, some time has gone by, and you’ve gained a little bit of bone mass and with that you need muscle/fat/connective tissue, all that stuff that makes you human. So keep eating like you know you need to and don’t worry about the number on the scale. You’re not a number.

  We change as we grow. Bet you don’t even have all the same opinions you did 5 years ago, so why should we expect our bodies to stay exactly the same?

  By the way, congratulations on not weighing yourself in over 2 weeks! Keep up the good work! We all have our bad days, the important thing is being honest and having someone to talk to about it like you do! <3 Sara

• 254 rachael // Sep 7, 2008 at 10:38 pm

  hey i do go to college, im a sophomore but yea im goign to go to the health center tomorrow i just want like a group of people i can realate too cause my friend have n idea, i mean they are very supprotive but they dont know hwat im goign threw you know? so i was wondering if there was a group i could talk to that understood and not just a therapist but im going to ask tomorrow haha thanks girls!

• 255 Jaycee // Sep 8, 2008 at 7:02 am

  Sarah Marie—I just want to say welcome and congratulations for starting down this road of recovery. If you commit to change, then you can do this. When you feel like ana is trying to take over, you just need to shut her up and realize that you need to do these things to make yourself feel better. Keep pushing and you can do it!

  Rachael–That is so wonderful that you have reached your ideal weight zone and you haven’t weighed yourself in two weeks. That is really a great accomplishment and I am so so proud of you. I have also heard to contact Overeater’s Anonymous because it isn’t just for overeater’s, so you could find out if they have a meeting close to your college. I know that it can be difficult when you are at college and no one understands your personal struggles, so please don’t let this interfere with your recovery. You deserve to feel amazing, and I know that overcoming an is the best way to make yourself feel better.

  Alleeconn–I am glad that you are out of inpatient, but I want you to continue to fight and push forward because you deserve to feel amazing. Keep pushing and try to remember that all the negative feelings are just an’s way of trying to manipulate your thinking.

  Aaliyah–Again, you are doing awesome. I just want to note that I tried two of my fear foods over the weekend. I ate french fries and a cinnamon roll and they were both delicious. I didn’t even feel guilty for eating them.

  To everyone—-Keep going even when it feels like there is no hope in sight! We all deserve to live without an., and I know that we can do this together!

• 256 Jaycee // Sep 10, 2008 at 2:06 pm

  What am I so afraid of???? This question goes through my mind all day. I want to eat. I like the way food tastes, but there is something inside of me that holds back.

  I hate it when people make comments about my weight too. They are always saying, “eat more” “your too skinny”, “your mom needs to feed you”. It just gets so annoying and then my mom is like your right she does need to eat more. I am gonna start making you eat more…..and so on. My mom just doesn’t understand and I get so upset with her because of this. She really really gets on my nerves and I try to avoid her because it just makes everything worse. Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get that all out.

• 257 Aliyah // Sep 10, 2008 at 2:49 pm

  Jayce- heyaa!!uno how u sed u like the taste of food and u want to eat and sumthing is stopping u. uno whats stopping u? ANA. uno what u have to do? challenge it, its hard yes, but its the only way out of this mess. next time it comes into ur mind, challenge it by eating sumthing. the chances are, ur probably hungry, the voice feeds on a starved mind, if u dnt eat properly u are going to hear the voice more. if ueat lots and feed ur body it gets less.

  remeber think of all the rewards and treats in life, if u get rid of ana. today i tried on my jeans, n theu felt so tight. i felt bad, then i realised hey its ana, so what my jeans r tight, im hear to gain weight, so i ate and i enjoyed it.

  u can do it jayce, ignore peoples comments, start loving urself for u, and treat ur body like ur best friend, give it nourishment, ull get a healthy mind and body and feel energetc. whats the point of going thru life hungry and listenin to a stupid voice?
  x

• 258 Aliyah // Sep 12, 2008 at 12:58 pm

  hi there how is everyone??
  ive been really good but today i had sum bad ana moments. my jeans are too tight, they dont fit me properly anymore, and i can see how my thighs are bigger now. its good ino it ism but the ana is telling me its bad. so i knew i had to keep saying to myself, this is the only way out of anorexia, u have to gain, u must go on. then i listened to sum music and kept my mind off it. it really helped and nowww im gna make myself sum more food:D i cant stop eating these days.
  what im tryin to really say is, when ana strikes, never ever give in, never restrict, u have to fight the voice as hard as it hits u, and then it goes away and u feel more normal. show the voice u are stronger cause u ALL are!

  xx

• 259 Sara // Sep 13, 2008 at 7:10 am

  Hi, girls!

  Just checking in… I’ve been a little up and down this week. I think the fact that I chose not to weigh myself has been messing with my head a little. Not knowing whether I’m gaining weight or not is really a challenge because my imagination tends to get the better of me. But then I look in the mirror and realize hey, I’m beautiful, I’m fine and don’t have to worry.

  I did stick to my promise. I don’t even go into the back half of the locker room where the scales are, but yesterday I had to because the bathrooms are in there, and when I came out, I caught myself like, eyeing myself up in the mirror and thinking about going over to the scale. It was that little warning inside my head, like the one that tells you “Don’t put that glass on the edge of the table, it’s going to fall,” except this one was like, “Walk away–NOW.” So instead of arguing, I did just that and I felt a lot better. Now if only I could apply that in other areas of my life…

  Congratulations, everybody, on staying strong and staying free!

  <3 Sara

• 260 Aliyah // Sep 13, 2008 at 12:12 pm

  well done on walking awa from the scales! scales are for fish as one of my friends wud sy. its so true!!! your beautoful ! u dnt need a number.
  this journey is so tough and hard but at the same time its great, i feel like im discovering myself and learning to love my body.

  goodddd luck everyone, keep going

• 261 Aliyah // Sep 15, 2008 at 4:20 am

  btw i just wanted to tell everyone i put on 2 and a half pounds in the last two weeks and i have no ana at all. i feel very proud and i feel much better full of energy, so regaining is a positive thing! make it positive.
  keep fighting everyone !! xox

• 262 Jaycee // Sep 15, 2008 at 6:10 am

  Aliyah–Your first post about having ana thoughts and then listening to music for distraction was so positive and uplifting for all of us. I know and you know that this is a daily struggle, and we do have the power to win if we really set our minds to it. You are doing such an amazing job learning about yourself and inspiring other people to keep pushing forward. I completely understand about the clothes situation because I really hate the feeling of things being too tight, and I think that really hinders some of my food choices. I am making a commitment to throw away all of my jeans that are too small because no one should wear that size anyways. Second, I am so happy that you gained more weight and are free of ana thoughts. You are living proof that food is medicine and by taking our required dose of medicine, then we can all have a lot more energy and better health in general. Thank you for continuing to support everyone and giving us hope that their is light at the end of this horrilbe tunnel.

  Sara–The fact that you walked away from the scales is amazing. You are gonna win this battle because you have a lot of determination and perserverence. None of us need to think of ourselves as a number because we are all beautiful people that deserve to live without those fears. I am so so so proud of your accomplishments because I know that it is easy to give into your emotions and the an thoughts. Keep up the good work and try to remember that everyday will have its ups and downs, but as long as you learn from the down times, then you are growing as a person.

  How is everyone else doing? I had a pretty good weekend. I didn’t get to do much, and we had a big storm yesterday morning becuase of the remnants of Hurrican Ike, but it was nothing in comparison to the people in Texas. During hard times like that, I really feel like my problems and issues with food are really stupid because at least I have electricity, running water, and shelter over my head. Many of these people do not have anything left, so today I am going to try to focus my energy on thinking and praying for these people instead of listening to my an thoughts. I encourage everyone to look at the big picture!!! Keep fighting and sharing!

• 263 Aliyah // Sep 15, 2008 at 1:35 pm

  jayce-ur so sweet! yes ino it is a daily srrugglr but after a while u realise the voices come when u eat sumthing diff and eat a bit more than usual. im prepared for them now, ino if i have eaten too much a voice is gna shout at me. im now ready to say , well typical of u to come now, get lost! and good idea on the clothes, i am fitting into clothes better and sum i cnt fit into now lol! but ino its part of recovery. when u accept, ur body is going to change u can embrace it, ad be ready for it. yes m thigh are bigger but so what! And like u sed we are so lucky, to have a home and shelter and everything really, why deprive ourselves? there is no reason.
  lets all be heatlhy and happy!!

  x

• 264 confused // Sep 15, 2008 at 3:40 pm

  hey everyone!!!

  hope everyone is doing well, and getting stronger as each new day comes around i know you all are!! just remember there is so much more in life then thinking about food and worrying what we put into our mouths…there are people out there dying of starvation…and this isnt out of choice but because of the world that they are living in, what those poor families would do to get food to just stay alive another day and yet the way ana makes us think is what we’d do not to eat to be thin for another day! we need to kill ana inside us so we dont think like this and open up our eyes and realise that thin is selfish and stupid and to start loving the bodies that god has given us, eat and get strong live a long life and be happy!!!

  i have gained HALF A STONE in 4 WEEKS!!!!!!! and yes i will admit i was upset and shocked to begin with because it was such a massive increase, but with the right support from friends and family, i realised how stupid i was being and now today i feel soo happy and im so proud of myself that ive come all this way by myself no professional help and so i just wanted to share that with u because although it is scary and frightening gaining weight, just take a second to urself and think ‘im not getting fat im just re gaining the weight to get that healthy look about me again’ i mean who wants to look like a walking skeleton who everyone looks at and pitys…certainly not me i want people to look at me and think cor she looks amazing, hair shining face glowing clothes fitting!!! and that what we’re all gunna look like cause we’re all beautiful girls that deserve to be free from this awful disease, keep strong girls i know u can do it!!! think of me and my half a stone when u feel crap about gaining weight!!!! ITS AN AMAZING THING NOT A BAD THING!!!!

  wont bore u guys anymore take care and make sure u keep eating x x x x x

• 265 Allee Conn // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:36 pm

  hey everyone, I haven`t been on in a long time, holy! Things have been generally good for me, I just don`t have anything new for you all…
  Hope everyone is doing well,
  love and hugs

• 266 Jaycee // Sep 19, 2008 at 6:34 am

  Confused–I am so so incredibly happy and excited for your amazing accomplishments and your positive outlook. You are really doing beautifully and you have given all of us a lot of important messages to think about because it is so true that so many people are starving because they do not have access to fresh food and water. It is really sad to me when I see my food go to waste because I am deep in my own self-pity and an. After reading your post, I really want to make an effort to not be wasteful. Also, it is so so great that you used the support of your friends and family to see that gaining is really a very positive thing instead of something negative because Ed is the only one that thinks taht gaining is negative and he/she doesn’t really deserve to have any input. Building a solid support team is so important, and that is one of the reasons that I love to come to this site because everyone is so supportive and has great advice.

  Allee Conn–I am so glad to hear that you have been having a good September. I hope that you continue to have more positive days. Just remember to keep fighting and push forward because the good times are so much better than all of the horribleness of ED.

  As for me, I have had a really great week. I haven’t gained any significant weight, but I did get my period back after four years of nothing, so I was incredibly excited. I thought that I would never have that again, and it really made me see that recovery is so important for my body. It is actually responding beautifully to my increased eating habits, and it is so relieving to know that I can reverse some of the damage. So as for me, I am excited that it is Friday and I hope that everyone has an amazing weekend. Sorry for being so open with my personal life, but I really wanted to share.

• 267 Sarahmarie // Sep 24, 2008 at 7:35 am

  Hey everyone. How is everyone doing?
  I hope your all doing good! Keep going, we can beat this!

  I’m doing okay. Yesterday I saw my dietitian and she said my weight dropped. I feel soo discouraged and upset. But she did reassure me that its possible its just my bodies weight fluctuating. Following the food plan has been going better, but I’m not 100% there yet. Its still a struggle to eat all of what I need. It just seems like an overwhelming amount of food. Ughh, I’m going keep trying though. I’ve come too far to give up now.

  Well keep me posted. I wanna know how you guys are doing in recovery. Best wishes.

  -Sarah

• 268 rachael // Sep 24, 2008 at 10:51 am

  sara- dont get discouraged! as long as your maintaining a healthy atitude the wieght will put in place

  ah i hope yall are doing well i think the hardest part of recovery is after you gained all the wieght back idk im like my goal wieght but its hard cause i feel like now that ive reached it i have to stop eating and start excersizing or ill keep gaining i dunno this is really hard for me i have good days and bad days the other day i only ate a bowl of green beans and yesterday i didnt eat at all but when it was dinner time i forced myself to eat and i binged i ate so much but i never threw up so i guess it was good in a way i duno i cant balance just being normal, i just starve still im dieing then binge and its not healthy i dunno how to make it right or how to think right i just dunno i hate my mind sometimes becuase of what it tells me to dooo

• 269 Jaycee // Sep 24, 2008 at 11:55 am

  I know exactly what you mean Rachael about saving all my calories for one meal. It is so frustrating because I keep gaining weight even though I barely eat one regular meal a day. And oh my goodness, if i drink one full 12 oz soda, then my weight goes up like 2 pounds. I absolutely hate it. I am so frustrated with myself today. I ate a cheeseburger for lunch followed by a mini candy bar and a diet dr. pepper,and i gained 1.5 pounds from that. How is it possible that I could gain 1.5 pounds from eating so little even though none of this was healthy food. I want to eat, and in my mind, healthy food sounds so good, but I continually reach for unhealthy choices, and i am scared that i will never be able to break this habit. I really really have a hard time eating breakfast, then lunch and then dinner. I starve all morning until lunch, so i can’t focus at work. Then, i eat some fast food crap or something bad for me, and i spend the rest of the afternoon upset about gaining weight. Then, at dinner, i struggle between eating and not eating because it will make me gain even more weight. Last night, i was so thirsty so i just drink a glass of water and gained a pound. I am so confused on what is real weight and what is water weight. I don’t think that I will ever be normal. I don’t think that i will ever get over this. I am so sad and depressed today.

• 270 Aliyah // Sep 24, 2008 at 2:12 pm

  Jayce- im sorry to hear ur having a rough time. but uni weight flunctuates by about half a stone every day and that is normal! mines did too and probably still does but i dnt weight myself everyday. If u want to eat u shud, u deserve to. what u need is a structure, which includes 3 big meals and snacks inbetween. this is the best way to kick ur metablism and get u healthy. brekkie is the most impirtant meal . Most of the weight is water weight, a lot of it is. if u have water, u cannot gain weight, water has nothing in it, no calories no fat, and most food contains loads of water so most is water weight. do not obsess over it, it sjust ana getting to u! fcus on a healthy balanced diet, u deserve to eat like every human being and u are blessed and lucky to have food. enjoy it
  x

• 271 Aliyah // Sep 24, 2008 at 2:15 pm

  sarah marie- ino what u mean, its a long journey but uno im on the same boat as u. i had a lot of weight to regain and im more than half way there nw! it can be done! and u can do wee things to help. for example drink non diet drinks often and energy drinks to maybe help u get extra calories without u even noticing and snacking on things all the time. have a wee treat everyday too uno like a bowl of ice cream or a large choocie bar. u can do it though! weight flunctuates alot, just eat well and consistently and u will make it!
  and its soo worth it, food tastes sooo good an u get so much energy from it u sleep better an du wake up happy

• 272 Aliyah // Sep 24, 2008 at 2:21 pm

  rachel – aww uno congrats on getton to ur ideal weight! seriously its such an achievement, im jealous! im sure it is really hard to keep that weight, but uno u shuldnt fret about it. just eat when ur huingry and listen to ur bodies signals uno. havinf a sort of structire where maybe u eat 3 meals aday and snacks will prevent u from bingeing and havin horrible feelings after. i mean uve come so far the last thing u wanna do is undo ur good work. honestly ur beauitful as u are, women are meant to be curvy and no one likes a person so skinny it seems they cud break. healthy and happy:)

• 273 Trying // Sep 24, 2008 at 6:53 pm

  So it turns out i am 5 3/4 and their goal weight for me is 100 lbs. to 104 lbs.

  It feels like too much! I went from being 95.8 to 97.2 from one day to the next morning! I’d be happy to maintain at 95/96 lbs. Release from treatment is on friday and I am thrilled but I’m afraid i’ll go home and people will be like woah you gained weight.

  My dad tried to tell me my idol Audrey Hepburn was a normal weight, that was a bad example. She was 5 ft. 6.5 and weighed 115 lbs.

  Why is 95/96 not enough? They kept upping my meal plan because i wasn’t showing enough progress (no duh i was secretly upping my exercise every time) but I stopped recently and have gained….I feel gross….why isn’t 95/96 lbs good enough? There are plenty of people my height who weigh that much, i have a small bone structure!

• 274 Aliyah // Sep 25, 2008 at 2:49 pm

  trying- theres a reason for u to weigh ta certain amount. the reason is, because when u get to a healthy weight, anorexia lessens. Anorexia feeds on a hungry starving mind. when u dont eat enuff, ana will always be present, at sum point. It may seem like a lot, i used to have a meal plan and i found it hard too, but i started to see that as i ate more, i felt better. and now i eat loads and im not to far from my healthy weight. i noticed the voices have gotten less and i feel SO MUCH BETTER. When u get to ur ideal weight, u will feel better, look better and ur body will be working properly! its a great thing! regaining ur weight is the only way out. Just focus on u, dnt compare urself to others. IT makes life more diffucult, i always used to compare myself to other ‘skinny girls’ but no, now i wanna be me,and i want my body to be its natural self.
  so eat ur heart out,follow that meal plan and i promise the gross feelings will get better.

• 275 Larry // Sep 26, 2008 at 3:37 pm

  Hi guys! I’m new here and am dead glad to have found you all! I’ve been anorexic for as long as I can remember, but really want to start eating now. Only trouble is, every time I eat anything other people would consider ‘normal’, I get a really upset stomach. I think my insides have basically forgotten how to digest food properly. The only things I’ve eaten for years are toast a cereal and now that I’m trying to put more variety in, it’s making me really poorly. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I can start eating that might be gentle on my insides? At the moment, every time I eat something different and it makes me ill, I just revert straight back to only a small amount of toast and cereal, which isn’t getting me anywhere. I’m just so scared of getting any upset stomach again. By the way, I’m definitely lactose/dairy intolerant, so no suggestions of foods with that in!! Has anyone else had this problem when they’ve started trying to eat?? Any suggestions??

• 276 Aliyah // Sep 27, 2008 at 10:50 am

  Laryy- hey ! welcome to the site! well done on conquering anorexia! Um when i first started eating agen i found any food i ate was really sore my tummy wud get really bloated and sore. But after a while, i kept at it, and kept eating it, and it stopped and now i can eat anything. Go to ur doc and get it cheked first, if they say ur lactose intolerant then try foods that are light , like soup, and loads of carbs. carbs seriously are amazing. toast, muffins, pasta, try different kinds of bread – panini, chibbatas baguettes.Chocolate, sweets, crisps, cake. gosh u can have anything! so many things! Also try meat uno, ham, chciken, beef, whateve ru fancy!Honestly variety is the spice of life1 try all sorts write a big list of foods that u can eat and try them one at atime! yum!
  good luck, keep posting
  x

• 277 Alleeconn // Sep 30, 2008 at 1:03 pm

  Hello trying and larry, welcome!
  Wow, I haven’t posted in soo long.
  Things have been a roller coaster recently, my eating has been all over the map haha…I reached my goal weight, but now have dropped weight again. I’m not giving in, though, and I hope everyone else is doing good too!
  Aliyah, speaking about carbs, I had a pancake the other day. The first carb-item I’ve had in…forever…it was amazing. No syrup or anything (yet!) but still, so good!
  Fill me in on what’s going on everyone! No one’s been posting lately!

  Love and Hugs

• 278 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 1:06 pm

  allecon- awwwwwwwwww well done on pancakes! how good and tasty are they? u deserve carbs. eat more! helll i frikkin love carbs! i eat them sooooo much

  ive been good i had a burger and chips for dinner 2day! wooo.

  but u reached ur goal weight? but lost sum weught agen? get it back up! regain ur life! do not let stinky ana ruin it!!!!!

  eat well!

  xx

• 279 Jaycee // Sep 30, 2008 at 1:50 pm

  Alleeconn—Carbs are amazing! I am proud that you actually let yourself enjoy a pancake. Set small goals like this everyday to try something that you are afraid of. Also, please try to regain the weight you lost because small set backs really trigger the ED. ED will never be satisfied with a small amout of weight loss either because he wants to control you, so you just have to fight back. Feed your body because he hates that.

  Larry—I am so happy that you decided to post and decided to recover. That is a huge step and a big accomplishment, but now the hard work begins. At first, your stomach will feel bloated and full and irratated, but you have to allow it to wake up and realize that food will be given to it everyday. I ate a lot of soup at first because I found that it was very gentle on my stomach. It isn’t very calorie dense, but it is a way to get started. Please keep posting and trying to beat ED.

  Trying–Gaining a few pounds and reaching a certain level eases your mind and makes thing easier. Everyone’s body is different and unique, so no set weight is perfect for anyone. When you no longer have ED thoughts and you can just eat normally, then your body has found its ideal weight. You may not want to weigh more, but it will make you feel stronger and more alive. Also, who cares about numbers because we aren’t numbers, we are people and we deserve to be happy and healthy. We deserve to have energy and to be social, but ED will always try to take all of this, so you must keep pushing ED out and the best way to do this is to feed yourself.

  Aliyah—I love your idea of writing a big list of foods and trying them little by little. It is so easy to get caught up in the same routine each day, and I really think that it is important to eat a variety because normal people eat all different types of food. I hope to someday be able to eat intuitively without even thinking about a meal plan or exchanges. I just want to be able to grab a slice of pizza even when I may not feel hungry just because everyone else is enjoying the taste of it. I am still struggling on a daily basis with food, but it does get easier and i really want to thank you for encouraging me and everyone to keep pushing forward.

• 280 Jaycee // Sep 30, 2008 at 1:54 pm

  Well, I haven’t posted for a couple of days because I was out of town. I have been doing better, especially on the weekends because I am with my boyfriend and he makes eating with him so comfortable and natural. He eats when he is hungry and he quits when he is full. It is so amazing to me that he can listen to his body and give it what it needs. I hope to someday reach that level of eating. On a side note, my mother really aggravates me. We were watching the news the other night and they did a story about OCD. She said, “you must be ocd because you are afraid of getting fat”. I told her that I wasnt OCD and she just didn’t understand. She will never understand because she doesnt know about my anarexia and i don’t plan on telling her. She is not helpful and she definitely tries to intrude on my life more than enough. I just don’t feel comfortable around her, and I know that i shouldn’t feel this way because she is my mom and i should love her, but she is not helpful in my recovery. I can’t wait until i can move out on my own.

• 281 Aliyah // Sep 30, 2008 at 2:02 pm

  Jayce- hiyaaa!! ino what u mean about routine! god we must make sure we do not have routine, we need to add new things into our diets all the time. Today i had a burger and chips for dinner, then just now ( ten pm) i just had soup and bread. im kinda bloated but i dnt care! i ate a whole packet of grapes after too!we need food jayce. Its good ur bf is there to help u, just think how much he cares about u, he wants u to get better, and u have to! anorexia is slow suicide.
  dnt worry about ur mum, she just doesnt know how to act maybe. Alot of anorexia is about ocd and obsession. i mean we are obsessed with food , and gainin . we have to get over it, and we can!u shud tell her, i bet she wud be a huge bundle of support!

  jayce uno theres a programme on soon, about a girl who has anorexia at the age of EIGHT.im so shocked by it and saddened. i do not want anyone to suffer from ana, and u jayce do not deserve to suffer from such a disese. No one does. lets win and eat and regain our lives bak! we are lucky we know how we have to regain and get better.

• 282 Alleeconn // Sep 30, 2008 at 7:26 pm

  I agree jayce…it’s good that you’re boyfriend is so supportive, mine is the same and it is something I def. don’t take for granted!

  A girl with ana at age EIGHT?! That is sad and terrifying. What is our world coming to that an eight year old child only knows ana to cope with it? I wish I could help everyone sometimes…but I guess first I must start with me.

  What is the documentary called? When is it on (I guess it won’t be the same here in Canada, but I’m sure it will be in the same vicinity)

  Also, keep your ears open about the new film “America, the beautiful”, it also tackles this subject, from the same director as Bowling for Columbine (Michael Moore?)

• 283 Jaycee // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:05 am

  Wow, I am so saddened to hear about a child as young as 8 being taken over by this horrible disease. It is horrifying to think that someone so young and innocent would be dealing with the evilness of the voices.

  For a few days, I began to wonder why I was even trying to recover. I had lost hope, but after reading a few posts, I realize that recovery is about living and enjoying life. Thinking about the 8 year old child really makes me examine my life. I have always been afraid of growing up. Throughout my an, I have consistently voiced my desire to go back to the innocence of childhood. Back then, I just ate because I was hungry. I didn’t think about calories, exchanges, fat. I ate until I was full and then I stopped. I played outside because it was fun. I enjoyed my friends and family. I was always a nervous child though. I feared getting older each year because it came with more responsibilty. I was not excited like my peers when my birthday came around because I did not want to be closer to puberty, adulthood, and the things that followed. I am still very much that young child that fears getting older each day. I worry about my relationship with my boyfriend because I know that he wants to get married some day, but right now, I feel like a twelve year old girl that is finally happy that puberty is here. I feel like my an has totally ruined my maturity level and I still have to go through those ages to really grow as a person.

• 284 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:06 am

  Allecon- its just called anrexic at 8. i dont know if it will be on in canada? its on thurs nite at 9pm channel 5 i think.
  how have u been anyway?
  ive been good, my eatings going well, im eating loads and i like my body! i i actually like it. its a great feeling. ino it does look better with sum flesh on it!

  x

• 285 Aliyah // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:10 am

  Jayce- thats a realy sweet comment. and uno im the same in a way. i mean i havent matures normally, we all pro longed puberty. anorexia ruined it for us, i mean i donthave normal periods and stuff yet. im hopinh i will soon since my eatings good but still i hope none of us has caused ireevirsable damage! i mean i was gettin taught about nutriotion today in biolgy and it scares me how much we damage our bodies by not eating.
  please eat well. dont worry about the relationship with ur bf, it will all work out. i mean i have a bf too of a year and a half and he was with me when i was at my worst. i did nothing i just slept and avoided food but he still stuck by me, and ino im growing and maturing but we are gna be fine. just like u and ur bf, he lovesu jayce and wants u to get better. do it for him, and most of all for uself. none of us deserve anorexia its a horrible ilnness that seems to be so common now. if an 8 year old can get it, whats next?
  healthy and happy girls!

  x

• 286 kezz // Oct 7, 2008 at 2:20 pm

  i also got taught like basic diet and exercise in biology and most of it was pretty simple, which irritated me loads, because i just spent the morning with a dietician, and i hate people telling me that any food group isnt for energy only carbs, fat is for store etc.. because i think any calorie is energy and fat. especially in this recovery thing where i have to gain, eating 6 times a day. i never ate that much before i ever had a problem at all!
  that documentry was really upsetting aswell because im only 15 and i hate to think that 8 year olds could be going through the same as me. i thought she looked like she recovered really well though.

• 287 Aliyah // Oct 7, 2008 at 2:29 pm

  fat can be used as an energy source to, and its not just for fat its for insulation and keeping u warm. thats why anoexics feel so cold, cause they have no fat at all, to keep them warm. fat covers outside of organs too, proteting them, so without fat, we are prone to injury!
  in recovery we have to eat a lot more than an average person. we have to deeply nourish our bodies and give it all the extra nutrients it never got.
  you wont have to eat like that forever
  x

• 288 Jaycee // Oct 9, 2008 at 6:53 am

  Kezz–I’m very happy that you decided to post. I am also very happy to hear that you are using a meal plan and trying your hardest to overcome this disease. You are very smart to realize that all calories provide energy, and it is smart to know that we all need a sufficient balance of fats and carbs in our diets because each has its importance to our health. Being in recovery requires a lot more calories than what we ate prior to an because our bodies are starved. In a way, we were running on an empty tank, and now we need to get a complete fill up. LIke gas though, the price to get to this point is painful at times, but we must keep pushing ourselves.

• 289 Aliyah // Oct 9, 2008 at 8:03 am

  jayce i like ur analogy about the empty tank. its sooooooo true!
  hw r u keeping? hows the voices been?
  ive been good, busy with uni but i love student life eatings been good too, im always snackin on sumthing or other
  xx

• 290 Jaycee // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:23 am

  Aaliyah—Well, for about two weeks I was doing really well. I still hear the voices, but I was really eating a lot better. Then, today I woke up really early, which happenned a lot when I wasn’t eating very much. It makes me so angry when I don’t sleep well, and I know why I didn’t sleep well because of my stupid ED. I guess that my metabolism is speeding up and wanting more food than what I have been giving it. I don’t understand though because I keep eating the same amount of food, but I also keep gaining weight. It is so frustrating because I know that I need to gain weight, but it feels like if I continue to eat normally then I will never stop gaining. On top of all of this, I am not sleeping good because I feel hungry. I just wish that I could sleep and eat normally. My boyfriend just eats so intuitively and never has weird voices telling him that he is gonna get fat. I just want that.

• 291 Aliyah // Oct 13, 2008 at 1:12 pm

  jayce- hun u gta sleep well, to do that u have to eat better. ino it may seem like ur never gna stop gaining but u will! belive me, it evens out. for it to even out though u havve to have to eat a lot.
  if u wanna be like ur bf, then u have to do it the hard way.
  i used to have the same thoughts as u, but theyre gone now! cause iate and realised its false. and lifeis better!
  jayce, push urself, ignore the voice and just eat, and sleep better. lifes better like that!
  lifes more tan about being a certain shape, u have to be you
  x

• 292 Rachel // Oct 29, 2008 at 12:05 pm

  Hi, everyone.
  My name is Rachel, and I am really struggling with anorexia. When I was 10 I was about 4’10″, or somewhere around that, and I was about 100 pounds. Basically, I was overweight. I began doing sports and eating better, and I lost 10 pounds, and I grew about and inch, so I was healthy. I really liked my new body, but then I got into dance company, and, because of the high intensity and pressures of being thin, I started starving myself. Now, two years later I am here anorexic, and I am always miserable and I can’t find a way out. That’s why I came here. I need help, and I don’t know what to do!

• 293 Rachel // Oct 29, 2008 at 12:05 pm

  Hi, everyone.
  My name is Rachel, and I am really struggling with anorexia. When I was 10 I was about 4’10″, or somewhere around that, and I was about 100 pounds. Basically, I was overweight. I began doing sports and eating better, and I lost 10 pounds, and I grew about and inch, so I was healthy. I really liked my new body, but then I got into dance company, and, because of the high intensity and pressures of being thin, I started starving myself. Now, two years later I am here anorexic, 5′ 1″ and I am always miserable and I can’t find a way out. That’s why I came here. I need help, and I don’t know what to do!

• 294 Flo // Dec 4, 2008 at 7:50 am

  Hey.
  I’ve been in recovery for about six months. This probably is and will be the biggest battle of my life and its really nice to find somewhere that supports recovery and does not trigger you or make you feel even worse about it all (:
  My anorexia started back-along and got so bad that i was in general hospital for a few weeks on full bed rest and then transfered to a pyciatric unit for young people that specialises in ED.
  It was the longest period of my life in there and it didnt really help me in all honesty. What helped me was the realisation that just because you’re no longer at school, going to party’s, shopping etc does not mean that the world has stopped for you.
  Your family is the only people that will support you through it all and love you unconditionally. Friends are there for you to talk to but they dont wait around for to to decide if you’re going to wake up, let it go and move on.
  I think the biggest thing was letting go and moving on, anorexia was my friend and my cope mechanism for shit times and something i turned to when i felt vulnerable.
  I still have bad days but i have now been out of hospital for 6 months and i am dare i say happy (:
  my family are all happier, i managed to pass my exams and start an art course in college and have met loads of new people and have some people with me that i have known forever
  When i left hopital i had weigh-ins but in the end i decided i didnt want to know if i was up or down because either way it made me or others around me shit and put me in a bad mood.
  I hope everyone stays in recovery and does not slip back into old ways.
  Anorexia will always be there and i occasionally still freak but i’m in control for now and intend to do the best and be the best i can be.
  I like to think i have better things to do than eat 1/2 cup of bran flakes or tank before weigh ins..
  everyone is worth alot more (:

• 295 help // Dec 4, 2008 at 11:56 pm

  hi i have been anorexic for about 2 years and am just admitting it to myself and my family. i started an out patient program today. can any one tell me how an in patient program compares with an out patient program. i really want to get better and rid these thoughts in my head because i cant live like this any more.

  help’s last blog post..By: Flo

• 296 Shannon // Dec 5, 2008 at 10:29 am

  Flo-Congrats on your recovery!! That is wonderful to hear!

  Help-I think you’ve got the toughest part out of the way. It was so hard for me to admit to myself and my friends/family that I had a problem, but once I did that it was such a relief because I knew I wasn’t alone in the fight to beat my anorexia! I did outpatient for about a month and continued to get worse, I was lying to my therapist, my family, and worst of all, myself. I was put into the hospital for a few days and then I made the decision to go into inpatient treatment because I knew I wasn’t strong enough to beat my eating disorder with just the out patient therapy. I think it is definitely possible to beat your ED without going into an inpatient program but you have to be really strong, which I was not. I went into the inpatient program and it was honestly the best decision of my life. I hated it at the time, but I am SOOOO thankful now that I did it because I’m so much happier and am back to enjoying my life again. In my inpatient treatment we ate all meals then had various groups throughout the day. We also went to a gym and “worked out” for 30 minutes twice a week (we were monitored and could do very little, but it was nice to do something). It got boring at times, but it was definitely the best thing for me. I have no regrets about going there and am so thankful that I had such a good support system at home with my family. Whenever I was having a tough time they were right there to pick me up. If you have any other questions let me know and I’ll gladly answer them. I’m glad to say that I’ve been out of treatment (I haven’t even gone back for outpatient treatment) for 4 months, am a healthy weight, successfully finished my first semester of nursing school, and am happier than ever! I’ve met so many new people and food is no longer an issue. Don’t ever give up!!!!!!

• 297 help // Dec 5, 2008 at 11:37 am

  wow shannon that is amazing news! four months congrats on nursing school too. my mom was a nure for 13 years and loved every minute of it. im sure you will too =) im pre med in college right now and its so tough cause EA gets in the way of everything. i was doin alright for a little while but the last few months its gotten worse and worse. i havnt lost any weight..in fact im now at a healthy weight its just the thoughts and voice in my mind are so strong. she would just keep going if i let her. thanks for the encouragement about the programs. im going to try the outpatient and give it everything i can….hopefully it will be enough. i think its so amazing that u conquered it. how did the transition go from food being an issue to now not an issue? how did u get it out of ur head?

  help’s last blog post..By: Shannon

• 298 Aliyah // Dec 5, 2008 at 2:44 pm

  Rachel- i was really short to when i got anorexia 4ft 10, and its a shame what happened with the dance business. but uno, getting better is the way foward. by eating u can go out, socialise, enjoy life and have energy and un what U WILL NOT GET FAT. ive been in revocery for a long time now, over a year and im not fat! and i can eat a lot of food, and a wide variety and so can u. it is a hard journey i mean ino ive had anorexia for yearss. stay strong and start to eat and slowly when ur mind is not so deprived of food, it will function better and u will get better. i promise.

  Flo- hey how ru? ino recovery is hard but well done on 6 months!! great achievment! and yeah ino anorexia is a coping mechanism and in times of stress its hard to not fall into its trap. but with the spport u can stay strong and get well.
  i mean i had anorexia when i was 12, im not 18. and only now, i can say i eat well, and im happy! truely happy and i love food. and none of us will get fat, were regaining weight, were not ganining.
  and numbers dnt mean anything, u need to learn to love ur body and urself, and realise that u have more to give

  stay strong never give into the voive, the fact that everyone on this site hears the same voice, is proof that it is a lie.

  xx

• 299 help // Dec 6, 2008 at 12:46 am

  Hi guys
  im so new to this…openly talking about ED’s..ive actually never talked to anyone about it before except for recently my parents and therapist. tomorrow i want to tell a good friend of mine. i havnt seen her in awhile and im terrified to tell her. she is a good person and i can trust her. any thoughts on how i should tell her? i just feel like she wont understand…. i feel like it would be showing a flower to a blind person–i know u guys understand. the voice—the constant voice telling me to do this and that and how i feel better when i restrict even though i know its bad. also, does anyone feel like its not necessarily that they dont want to eat, its just that they only want to eat what they want and when they want? cause thats my main issue…i eat…im just soooo rigid

  help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah

• 300 help // Dec 6, 2008 at 1:18 am

  shannon-
  thanks for your reply
  have you ever felt like ur just sooo rigid and u only wanna eat what u want and where u want. and the feeling is sooo strong it just cant be denied and eating anything else is just not an option? this is how i feel…
  i had a health nut trainer that got me into eating healthy and now i only think healthy things tast good

  help’s last blog post..By: help

• 301 Aliyah // Dec 6, 2008 at 2:54 am

  help= i told one of my frends and she was really good about it and ijust said something along the lines off ‘ i hav anorexia, but im getting better’ and then just told her a bit about it and she was great. so do something like that.
  and write a list of the foods that u allow urself to eat only, and then write a list of the foods u truely want, and say to urself, how silly is it, that im lettin anrexia only let me eat this and this, and challenge her

  xx

• 302 flo // Dec 6, 2008 at 2:20 pm

  help-well the hardest part is over, you already trust this person and to be able to do that she must be special. I think you should just be completely honest about everything; anorexia is such a devious and deceitful illness that honesty is the only way your friend can understand everything and be there for you. I hope it all goes well (:

  shannon-thankyou for the comment, its shown how different approaches work for different people even though we are all going through and have been through the same struggles. I disagree with you thinking you weren’t strong enough to do it alone, i think whatever happened was obviously the best and has helped you so much, just because we did it differently doesn’t mean one is stronger than the other, im glad it works and you are on the mend (:

  Aliyah-i’m ok Thankyou. How are you? ive never thought of it as regaining only as gaining and that point has helped changed the way im thinking about it, even 6 months down the line i struggled with gaining but after reading your take on it, ive reflected and it makes sense and totally helps out looking at it like that.thankyou (: also about loving the bodies were in ive been to hell and back with this illness and i know ill never feel completely comfortable in my own skin or love myself but i hope a change in body image and everything will help with future generations, i have a younger sister and as my mum and me have already gone through it im hoping she doesn’t suffer..

  p.s Without sounding like a complete hippie, being able to speak so openly about it, and have people that understand you and wont judge anything you say is really good. For me this is almost another form of therapy in itself
  Thankyou all for everything you say its amazing and it still makes me feel like i have support
  Bless you all (: x

• 303 help // Dec 6, 2008 at 2:35 pm

  Thanks FLo-
  i agree with you this blog is amazing….it is definately a form of therapy for me. it helps beyond words to be able to express myself completely. have you tried any medicines for EA? i tried prozac about 6 months and it didnt work too well…i had a bad reaction….
  have u been to an in patient or out patient program?
  i just started out patient last thursday and i think it will really help….its just soo wierd cause i tell myself okay we can make this go away but then i always hear the voice saying stuff. referring to it as the voice helps me too….cause its not really part of me. its some devilish disorder trying to take over. do you have any advice on recovery and coping mechanisms?

  help’s last blog post..By: flo

• 304 Aliyah // Dec 6, 2008 at 2:50 pm

  Flo- ur most welcome that helped me a lot too thru recovery. and uno what, its true so anytime u feel bad just tell urself that. all ur doing is making urself healthy and stopping urself from getting any horrible irrevrsable illnesses.
  I just had a ‘binge’ there., ate loads of food, but i dont care because im not gna get fat, and i know that now.

  enjoy food and life! so u in collge or uni or anything? how old are u agen sorry?

• 305 flo // Dec 6, 2008 at 2:52 pm

  Well I got offered prozac when I was in Orchard lodge by my physiatrist but I just thought ;if I want to beat this I’ll do it when I’m ready and with no medication pumping round my body’ I know I’m only 16 and I might have to rethink this one day but for now I’m happy about the decision I made and stuck with.
  It doesn’t mean that others are wrong in giving prozac a go, my mum suffered with anorexia so bad she was in an asylum for most of her teenage years and something that stuck with her is the depression and lows and throughout her life she’s been on and off it when she needs it. And it seems to help her
  After being in general and being in a young people unit I decided that for me to recover it would be easier to just get stuck in with concentrating on college and looking forward to small things, sort of like stepping stones. Being weighed and seeing a gain or a loss upset everyone either way it went so in the end with the support from my mum and nan I decided to just go without weigh-ins and therapy and see where I ended up in a couple of months, and if it was working then fine and if not then back to the drawing board.
  I’m just lucky in the sense that my mums mum struggled with my mum and my mum with me so between us three I’ve had an amazing understanding which most anorexics don’t get with there families.
  Any advice I could give for recovery would be to stick to what you feel comfortable with firstly, don’t do anything you’re unsure about because if its shit you freak out and panic and its just awful. Secondly talk to someone about how you’re feeling everyday just say yeah everything great and if its bad just say look I’m having a hard day, I’m struggling just be there for me and lastly look into the future and try and picture what you want and what will make you happy one day, positive achievements and family and everything! It really does help
  Also if you miss a meal don’t try and eat more to compensate because you’ll feel like you’ve binged (yuck) just accept you’ve missed the meal but you’ll do better with the next meal. And exercise just make things as normal and as happy as you can (:

• 306 flo // Dec 6, 2008 at 3:03 pm

  Aliyah-i completely agree. thats really good. I was 16 3 months ago, i’m in college doing an arts degree, and i haven’t been as happy as this ina long time. I’m going to the clothes show soon on a fashion and textiles trip which is something i’m really into so it should be good (:
  Everything fallen into place atm and will stay like this touch wood!

  How old are you? and what are you doing at the moment with life?

• 307 Aliyah // Dec 6, 2008 at 3:11 pm

  flo- yeahh lifes greatttt with food, keeep it up never ever go bak! :) no matter what the voice says.

  im 18, had anorexia and bulimia sincei was 12, finally getting better for good! n i am startin to like my body more, u willt oo, eventually when u realise that agirls body is not supposed to be super thin and ur body shud be treated as ur best friend!

  im in university studying psychology, i wanna be a clinical psychologist and help others with eating disorders

  x

• 308 isabella mori // Dec 13, 2008 at 5:19 pm

  hi everyone – just wondering whether any one of you have seen the movie “disfigured”? i’ve written a review about it here http://www.moritherapy.org/article/disfigured-anorexia-obesity-and-a-friendship/

• 309 Aliyah // Dec 15, 2008 at 3:01 pm

  hey everyone!
  hope ur all well
  i just wanted to say, ive been really good feeling so positive! im wearing a bigger size in my jeans, and uno what????// it looks so much better! and i realise wanting to be the skinniest girl, is pointless and meaningless. life is really worth so much more!
  so just wanna remind u guys to keep fighting and beating ana. u all want to be healthy and truely happy not caught up in food all the time!
  u can do it

  !
  x

• 310 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 12:13 am

  thanks so much for sharing Aliyah! im doing the IOP and it is soo difficult for me because i always feel soooo full after the meals and hate the food there. i just keep tellin myself what u said and half me is starting to believe it. im at a normal weight now which is good- i just want all of me to believe its good ya know?
  thanks for your support!

  help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah

• 311 Aliyah // Dec 20, 2008 at 4:09 am

  help- well done on gettin to ur weight!! veryy veryy happy for you
  u will belive it, belive in urself ok? tell urself that what ur doing is for ur good only. anorexia is slow suicide!!
  and help uno what else, see when u get better, start going out and socialisng, u have sooo much fun, u beginf to wonder why u ever deprived urself.
  its scary ino, but its soo good! and the period thing, i got mine back! and its great. it will come back once ur body is ready for it, just keep gving ur body nutrients

  your really doing sooo well!!
  remember ur worth more than a number! ur a real person and anorexia isnt!

  

• 312 help // Dec 20, 2008 at 10:31 pm

  thanks aliyah.
  how long did it take for ur period to come back?
  any thoughts on why might not be? i am at a normal weight for sure…

  help’s last blog post..By: Aliyah

• 313 bex // Mar 10, 2009 at 11:32 am

  hi,im bex im 14 im finding it very hard to recover from anorexia my councillor has given me 3 weeks to gain weight or ill be admitted to hospital.im taking him seriously but i just cant get the exercise obsession out of my head and im terrified that im likely to be hospitalised but it doesnt help with the obsession all i want to do is be like everyone else and enjoy life and think differently towards weight and food but i feel as though knowone can help me so they just admitt me to a hospital can anybody help me? ive only got a week left until he asseses me and i just cant bear the thought of gaining any weight

• 314 Flo // Mar 10, 2009 at 12:17 pm

  without sounding harsh you have to weigh it up in your head..excuse the pun its non-intentional..focus on something that means alot..i know it gets to a point where there is nothign to focus on
  no hope, no social life, no intention of doing anything..even if it could prevent you from hospital.
  I went beyond all that and ended up in hospital and nearly got tubed. If it wasn’t for my mum (she suffered really bad and spent her teenage years balncing on 4stone) then i would have been, i’m just lucky to have a mum that understands alot of it.
  Maybe hospital is what you need, maybe being tubed is what you need because although you lose control essentially its not you that is physically eating the food. You need to think long and hard about it and it will click.
  The harsh reality is you are not the only one, you’re not the first and you will not be the last. Hospital staff are also complete assholes who are not trained to deal with us emotionally, so they are pretty shit and only care about getting your weight up and think your crazy because they see so many patients die without a choice and we are essentially killing ourselves..get me?
  i went to general and a secure unit..i know what i’m on about and i’m only being blunt because its also me being honest.
  The secure unit was awful aswell because their were other teens with a variety or mental health problems and other anorexics and it keeps you behind ecspecially living with other anorexics, took me a year to get out and i can’t help but feel if i had stayed at home with the love of my family, no other anorexics to complete with or whatever it would have been a quicker recovery
  say if you want anything else said (: x x

• 315 Aliyah // Mar 10, 2009 at 12:21 pm

  bex- ive been whee uve been, its not a nice place. but uno what? it may seem utterly ridiculus, but gaining weight is not that bad, and ur not even gaining weight your REGAINING what u lost thats all. and see when u start to eat agen, u will feel better, eventually, u will feel happier, have more energy and ur body will thank u!
  life is better with food, so please try to build the strenght to eat, not eating – SLOW SUICIDE. u gain NOTHING from not eating, except hurting ur family and loved ones.
  remember that time when u used to be able to eat and feel free, and go out and be social and not worry about ur figure.
  ur more than a number

  xx

• 316 Dixie Rose Jane // Mar 13, 2009 at 2:50 pm

  Dixie Rose Jane, a victim in her own mind, pathetic to some and a princess warrior to others. Some people liked her, ya know she was sweet, funny, cute maybe even naïve at times. Some people, well their feelings ranged from annoyed, jealous, hate, and even loath. Each single opinion entered her mind with a weigh of effects. Each thought went straight to the heart, felt with every single emotion in her body. Her veins carried the insecurities straight to at her slowly diminishing soul. Vapid she slowly glowed, herself worth trapped in a demon of doubt. Drowning fast, a face that wasn’t her own- she looks into the mirror and she can’t even recognize herself by the touch. Loosing breath and patients with every time the stars spun into her starving mind. She needs to break free, she needs to get out of the blinding abyss. The battle begins with this irrational sense of control that is tied to the core of her being, It needs to come undone. She can’t strangle her faith. Grow she will, with hope and spirit. Each step gets easier with every tear shed, with every acceptance made. This can be better, this should get better. Positive she never was, but faith she always had. Change needs to begin. Dix Rose Jane needs to fly. Dixie Rose Jane needs to live. Breath. Love. Cry. Feel. And become Kelly.

• 317 bex // Mar 15, 2009 at 12:30 pm

  hi everyone,thank you for your replies i feel so relieved that i can finally talk to someone that knows what im going through its given me a little more of a push ill let u all know how it goes when i go 4 my next oppointment xx

• 318 alleeconn // Mar 22, 2009 at 11:07 am

  It has indeed been a long time since I’ve been here. I’m glad to see familiar faces though. So hello everyone!
  I’ve been eating fairly normally now for almost three months, but the last week…I don’t know what’s going on. I cut my eating down to almost nothing, have started working out at the gym, and am back in my old way of thinking. I binged? twice though, but threw up. My eatings all over the place…and I’m scared.
  Half of me wants to stop again, but the other half wants to normalize.
  Am I relapsing, or is this a normal part of recovery? I hate myself for binging, and am so scared of gaining weight, now that I’m at my target weight. Help?

• 319 Aliyah // Mar 22, 2009 at 2:36 pm

  heya alleecon remember me haha?
  yes usually in recovery at sum point u get thoughts about going back, but its normal and u must get over it and not sink in, uve done soo well and come soo far. dont hrow up and get ur food intake up. uno very well, what etaing badly does to u, and u cannot deprive ur body and mind! please eat and see that u r more thna number, i feel happy at a healthy weight, i feel happy and free and not restricted by ana!!!

  WIN AND FIGHT!

• 320 alleeconn // Mar 22, 2009 at 8:10 pm

  Ha! Of course I do. So happy you’re around. How are things going for you? Still making a difference here, that’s good to see <3

  So…my sporadic eating is normal then? I was freaking out about it. So relieved!

  How is everyone else doing?

• 321 aliyah // Mar 23, 2009 at 3:17 am

  hey allecon, yeah i wen thru phases in recovery where i wanted to go back, or didnt feel like going on, but i got thru it, because i know deep down i want to, and thatits for the best.

  dont freak out, but make sure u eat enuff ok? ur not a number, this is not a numbers game, were talking aboutlife and health here. you have a lot to live for, so dont let ana win.
  eat and beat her, and be positive!

  xx

• 322 Samantha Geyser // Apr 3, 2009 at 12:26 am

  I wonder in which stage (if I can put it that way) people suffering from this disease starting to believe that a change is within reach.

• 323 Aliyah // Apr 3, 2009 at 2:24 am

  it takes ages to realise that, well it did for me. then it becomes easier, but it is hard to get to that.x

• 324 Rhiannon // Apr 19, 2009 at 4:23 pm

  Hello, I am very confused:( I lost weight healthily over the summer by eating helthily and exercising. lthough every1 said I was too thin I felt happy about my body cus it was toned and I felt healthy. I ate 3 meals a day and 2 snacks and I stayed the same weight which I was happy with. However evry1 tot I was 2 thin bt I wasnt anorexic. Then at christmas I got stressed about exams.. I overate for like 2 weeks(binged) Bt didnt make my self sick . I put n half a stone. Then I dieted cus I was sad I put on the weight and ruined al the work I had done to get a toned body. NOw Im lighter in weight than Ive ever been yet I feel fat:( I think im lighter because my muscle has wasted bt I think the fat on my stomach is all still there yet every1 says im 2 thin:( Bt I realy do feel fat and think I can eat the way I used to and i never get back to the way I was in the summer. I dnt no what to do. Im so confused.I know my arms are too thin bt I think my stomach is all fat. Im 5 and a half stone.. bt I think this is jst because i lost muscle not fat. I was 6 and half before:(Im so confused. Can anyone explain?:(

• 325 isabella mori // Apr 23, 2009 at 9:04 pm

  testing testing – it looks like some of the comments aren’t appearing here …

• 326 Tom Gurney // May 1, 2009 at 1:47 am

  The support of family and friends is key, and without it i don’t many who would have the inner strength to get through any type of social disease, not just Anorexia.

  Tom Gurney’s last blog post..The Kiss Auguste Rodin Sculpture

• 327 Megan // May 14, 2009 at 2:02 pm

  Hey everyone,
  Im new to this site, and i’ve been struggling with anorexia for about a year now. I’ve really never been happy with myself, even when I was a kid. (like 4 years old!). People have always thought I was a really happy and fun to be around person, but inside I could never let myself feel that way. I always thought I wasn’t pretty, funny, nice, any of that. I always looked down on myself; even when i succeeded at something I would always push myself harder and harder. I guess you could say i never gave myself a break. I hid those feelings from the outside world for about ten years. Over the summer going into eighth grade I began to adopt some anorexic habits; thinking I was only going to loose a few pounds, and be done with it. I started out feeling great and accomplished. Then my health started to decrease. I was tired all of the time. I would come home from school and lye down, or just sit and read. I would be too tired from not having any energy to the point where i would have to go to sleep before 9:00. I started to withdraw from friends. I was cold all of the time, and would take hot showers for around an hour. Finally people started to talk, telling me how bad i looked. I began seeing the doctor once a month, and my mom started to get concerned. I ignored all of it. It was like half of me wanted to get better, and the other half wanted to continue slowly killing myself. A few months later I went to New York with some family. I could tell they were hurt seeing how i looked, compared to how i used to look. I tried my hardest to seem normal to them, and at my best avoid talking about the subject. One morning while on vacation i tried to get up out of bed in the morning, and i fainted. My family freaked out, and so did i. I felt horrible. I tried to cover it up, saying that i had been feeling kind of sick all weekend, and that it was to do with my cold. We went home that night, and i had school the next morning. When i woke up, it happened again. My mom drove me to the hospital. I couldn’t believe that this was all happening to me. Later i went to the doctor again, and they threatened to send me to a treatment center. I really don’t want to have to go, but i feel like its the only way i can get better. I feel like im being torn apart. To make matters worse, i’ve been batteling with a lot of depression lately too. I just dont know what to do at this point.

• 328 Aliyah // May 15, 2009 at 3:27 am

  megan, hi im aliyah. im so sad to hear ur story, that is a horrible story and honestly, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, u have to belive in urself.
  i had anorexia and bulimia for 6 years, and ruined my teenage years, being anti social, cold, feeling sad and i hated myself too. i also was very hard on myself, and a perfectionist most anorexics are.
  but now ive had help from family, frends, doctors, nutrionists, and psychologists and honestly im the best ive been, i can enjoy food eat what i want and feel better about myself.

  ino how u must feel,scared and sad, maybe lonely, but i think going into the treatment centre is going to do u a world of good, its going to save ur life. u do not want to die, and leave ur family behind, so write a letter to anorexia, and write down everything horrible uve been thru, and read it bak to urself. it will help u realise, the torture u put ur body thru. then ask ursef, why did i do it? u wnt be able to ocme up with a resonable explanation.
  take suport from ur family, and start to eat agen, whatever u can manage. u will not get fat, u have loads of weight to REGAIN now, and u can begin ur journey to having ur life back

• 329 Megan // May 15, 2009 at 2:26 pm

  aw thanks so much aliyah. i really dont want to live my life like this anymore, and ive been trying my best to get better, but some days it seems so easy, and other days its really hard. I’ve lost a lot of my once close friends from this too, and i feel really bad, and like its my fault. but i didnt ask to have this problem, i really didn’t, things just got out of control. But if they really were my real friends they would back me up, and help me right? sometimes i just feel like im lost and alone, and have nobody to go to, and im thinking about going into treatment, but i dont know if im ready yet.

• 330 Aliyah // May 15, 2009 at 2:31 pm

  hey megan ur welcome. i lost friends durng recoery too, uno its really hard on them too, a lot of ppl dont know how to do deal with it, they just want us to get better eat and be ok, but ino its not that simple, its a long hard road but u can do it, with the willpower.
  defiently think about treatment, u want to get better, and ull meet a team of ppl who r willing to put in effort and resources to help you, and you shud take it. the longer u leave it the harder itll be trust me.
  ill always be avaliable for a chat, ive been thru all this crap i wana help u thru it. my emails alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com – send me a mail mite be easier to chat on it.
  i wud also reccoment reading sum recovery books, order sum from online or whatever, theyll give u a boost

  x

• 331 megan // May 15, 2009 at 6:22 pm

  thanks aliyah it feels really good to be able to talk to someone whos been through what im going through. and my email is mgreeen11@gmail.com also what are some of the names of the books you were telling me about?

• 332 Aliyah // May 16, 2009 at 2:52 am

  one book is called to die for by carol lee
  another is thin by grace bowman
  ill send u a mail soon

  xx

• 333 bex // May 20, 2009 at 11:56 am

  hi everyone sorry i havent been on a while,ive recently been to the hospital again and they said that im a normal weight now yey! i feel so glad for once,though im still being really strict just to maintain my weight.
  i was wondering if anybody knows about the “period” situation and have symptoms like dry skin spots loss of appetite sikky feeling headache fatigue depression and sorry to be full on but i get dripping feeling down below but theres nothing there could this be a sign of my period ? i havent had one for two years has anybody got experiences of starting theres again thanlk you! btw: hope ur all doing great and stay strong!

• 334 I am Cat // May 20, 2009 at 9:07 pm

  This site uses numbers such as calories counted, pounds gained or lost, height, weight, etc… these are very triggering to recovering anorexics, bulemics, OE, and EDNOS… Not to mention… those who come here to BE triggered… and there ARE those… believe me. I, myself, have been in recovery for six years. I have had an eating disorder (anorexia) for more than 30 years. So I know the ins and outs of dodging the system. Please… refrain from using triggering language, including what you ate, what you didn’t eat, and numbers in your posts… it will be helpful to those visiting the site… Someone might be saved another day of restricting, overeating or purging because of your thoughfulness.

  I thank you for listening.

  Love and laughter to you,
  Cat

• 335 Aliyah // May 21, 2009 at 3:23 am

  i understand what u mean cat, but for some people, its important to talk about calories, and height and what not, because that is an issue with them. i recovered from anorexia and bulimia, and a large part was due to this site and being able to talk openly about issues, so while i take into accoutn everything u are saying, i dont think its fair to stop talking about cals, pounds gained etc. and its also talked about in a positive way, we all encourage each other to gain weight, and eat more cals. never once is restrcing encouraged, its a positive site that helps many.
  x

• 336 Aliyah // May 23, 2009 at 12:43 pm

  nature- i cant find where ur comment is!
  megan- hey, hw r u? i cnt get ur comment either, can u comment me from here?
  :S

  x

• 337 Nature // May 24, 2009 at 11:15 am

  LOL, Aliyah, I think the other one stuffed up for some unknown reason!

  I’m doing pretty good, but my tummy is hurting like HECK because it’s getting used to the increase in food, :X. My nutritionist said it’s normal for me to experience that, but it’s sooo uncomfortable.

  I finally got rid of the stuff I didn’t like such as chips and fried stuff, because it made me feel sick. I’m just not sure how I’m going to maintain my weight let alone increase it without having those foods that I can’t even eat in the first place! Those foods stopped me from losing weight, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I still am trying to eat more, . The ice cream is slooowly disappearing, and my family is eating it, too, so it’ll be gone. They’re afraid to touch my food and stuff, because when I was more eating disordered, I’d make my own meals and whatnot and “my stuff” was not “their stuff”, LOL. So yeah, they always ask if they can eat my food now, o.O, I hope they’ll learn soon that they don’t have to ask to have it!

  And a big, big welcome to Megan! Everybody here is nice and supportive as you already found out, . I can totally relate to you in the aspect of being really anxious, worried, and not wanting to go into a treatment center. I, myself, have been asked to consider going into inpatient, and I’m not too keen on it, either. However, I am going to an outpatient ED clinic. I suffered from major depression a few months back, but honestly hun, if you want to get better, you will get better, health wise and mind wise! Once you start eating, your body will get healthier, which in turn, will make your mind healthier. That is a happier you! You can make it, and if ever you’re having a bad day, we’re always here for you!

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 338 Aliyah // May 24, 2009 at 1:29 pm

  nature- hey! aw ino, at the start my stomach always used to feel so bloated and full, but it passes and then it stops, but eat regulary and often so ur stomach gets more used to it. sometimes after a meal i wud feel so big id just go and lie down and let the food pass through. but well done ur doing amazing!
  ok so u got rid of the stuff u dnt like but have more of what u do like, and experiment with new things. try stff like different cereal bars, new dishes and new types of sandwiches and stuff. dont ever deprive urself, and dont let ana win! the stage will pass, and then eating will be easier.

  xx

• 339 Nature // May 24, 2009 at 2:46 pm

  Hey Aliyah!

  I sure do hope so, it hurts like mad and it’s just so uncomfortable. My stomach feels so bloated, too, :X.

  Today I went for lunch with my parents and their friend, and I did well, I think. We shared dishes so I don’t really know how much I ate, but I ate until I was full so that’s good. They had ice cream afterward, but I was just too full for it, :/. I guess I’ll just grab a cookie or something when I go shopping for dinner with my mother.

  Right now I feel tired for some unknown reason, so I’ll have a nap. I hope life is treating you well, and that you’re not too busy with school work and such, ^^.

  Take care everyone!

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 340 Aliyah // May 24, 2009 at 2:51 pm

  nature- ur sweet everythng is going amazing for me thanks, off on holidays now from uni so just lots of relaxing being lazy and food got tons of energy now, and stuff so however u feel, its nt gna be like that forever.
  rest too, when u feel overfuly ful just take a breather like down for ten mins, or whatever . and yes thats definetly the right way to do it, eat till ur properly full not, kinda full, or just a little full, till ur properly full, but not like so much u feel like ur going 2 explode in a second. u dnt wanna end up throwin up. and yeah make sure ur havinglots of snacks, and eat a nice dinner!

  wear lose tops and try natural bio yoghurt good for the bloated feeling. yur doing really really amazing though, and if u get thru this hard bit now, the uncomfortable feelings ull find the next stages easier. itll pass after a few weeks, promise!

  xoxox take care!

• 341 Nature // May 24, 2009 at 10:08 pm

  Well, it’s sorta weird because I thought I was over the bloated stage, but then when my nutritionist told me I need to gain weight to get my period back, I started eating a little more and started having the bloated feeling all over again, haha.

  I hope I get over it, and it’s really difficult for me to eat solid foods since when I was anorexic (and I don’t count myself as an anorexic anymore since I’m in recovery), I’d eat a small amount of cereal with a tablespoon of yogurt for breakfast, some watery fruit throughout the day, and soup for dinner if I even had dinner, :X. My nutritionist wants me to get back to eating solid foods, so I’m trying my best, but it’s quite hard for me, :/. My stomach hurts a lot afterward when I do.

  But yeah, I’m trying really hard since I want my period back, LOL. I want to have kids when I’m older!

• 342 Aliyah // May 25, 2009 at 2:44 am

  nature- i know lovely i know. it was the exact same for me, i used to eat next to nothing, then all of a sudden im eating three meals and snacks, and my stomach used to hurt and i hated it, but it passed and i started to enjoy food so hang in there! keep thinkin of ur periods and ur future without anorexia, keep it in ur head but dont eat like really big meals, keep it small but often , like i wud at the begginin have like 5 small meals instead of 3 big ones, which i have now, so try a few things see what works for u, but hang in there.
  each bite is a step away from ana

  xx

• 343 Nature // May 25, 2009 at 10:13 am

  Awww, thank you, Aliyah!

  It’s just hard to get used to it, but everything takes time I suppose.

  I woke up today, and I knew from the start that I was going to have a bad day emotionally. I’m trying my best to not take it out on food. I thought I didn’t care about my well being – physically and emotionally – that it only mattered to my loved ones like my family and my boyfriend. Hence the reason why I got into recovery. However, when I woke up today, I was NOT happy. I truly realized that I needed to love myself and *care* about myself or else I’d never truly be happy. No matter how much others love me, I still need to be able to love myself, :/.

  Since I suffered from depression and an ED, it’s hard to feel good about myself. Aliyah, have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough for the people around you? Like, at times I feel so bad about my boyfriend that he’s stuck with a messed up person like me, :X. If you ever had those thoughts, what did you do to get rid of them, and how did you start loving yourself? I need happiness within myself to be happy with others, *sigh*.

• 344 Aliyah // May 25, 2009 at 12:11 pm

  nature- i hear you, and i feel for you. recovery is not abotu food, its abotu finding yourself and regaining back pieces of yourself. nature, i always have felt i wasnt good enough for people, i felt i always had to /have to do the best, in evertyhing, like grades, exams, and i was extremely hard on myself. never giving myself a ‘break’ or reward like if i did really goood in an exam, i wuldnt go out and treat myself i would be like ok good now next time u have to do better, it was probably only by chance you did so well. im not so critical now, i just told myself whats the point of going thru life, never being happy with urself. i gues si had to say, i am a good person, i am a good daughter, sister girfriend friend whatever. and u just need to tel urself, what kinda things do u do for the ppl u care about?
  but as u go through recovery, im sure ull find out things about urself, i mean i lernt that i put on a hard exterior, and act very collected and dont show much emotion ever, but inside i can feel the emotions. like when my granparents died, i never cried but i did inside.
  i think u shud keep a journal, just of ur thoughts throughout the day and emotions, adn then just read them back, and see what u think. it can be a mind opener.

  hang in there, recovery isnt easy but ur a real inspiration, u cant ever go back now, lets move foward onto real life!

  x

• 345 Aliyah // May 25, 2009 at 12:15 pm

  nature- one more wee thing. im still learning to love myself, but it involves acceptance of who we are, our self concepts. you need to learn about urself, and do things to boost ur self confidence and esteem, get haircuts, get ur nails done, compliment urself, focus on the things u really do like about urself, and smile! smile every single morning when u wake up, and say this is going to be a good day!

• 346 Nature // May 25, 2009 at 2:41 pm

  Awww, thank you. You must have gone through a lot to be where you are today. I can’t imagine the amount of work and effort you put into it. I hope I can get recovered as much as you and learn to love myself again.

  Once thing this ED did give me, though, was experience. It made me realize I cannot be perfect, and it is all right to have mistakes. I guess I never admitted to myself that I was a perfectionist.

  I do keep a notebook where I right down my thoughts when I get frustrated, but mostly I write down the reasons why I want to get better and to live. There’s more of the good stuff than the bad, ^^. Whenever I have hard days, I look at those.

  May I ask you how long it took for you to get your period back, and at around which BMI you were at when you did get it back? I’m at 18.3-18.7 for BMI right now, I think, so I am at a healthy weight, but I still don’t have my period, :S?

• 347 Nature // May 25, 2009 at 2:45 pm

  Ahh! Typos in my post!

  One thing*
  where I write*

  Lol, sorry, I just had to correct them!

• 348 Aliyah // May 25, 2009 at 2:50 pm

  nature- i write in a wee diary every nite of any worries concerns and stuff in my head, and it really helps but its sooo good u cn write down all positive things. thats sooo good. my period came bak for a bit then just stopped im still waiting on it to come back. im hopin soon, think my bmi is 19//20. 20-25 is healthy weight range, so ur so very close.
  ur period will come back, after r body trusts u, and has repaired te damage of anorexia. which for me was many years and i can see why it may be a good while before i get my period back. but stay positive, itll come back.

  yup and defo no one is perfect, we cant always be best at everything, but we can try our best, and then we must reward ourselves and be able to say im human, i did my best, and i deserve happiness. ad u do nature, u have loads going for you so keep ur chin up, and keep fighting.
  keep remdining urself ur just regaining weight, food is ur medicine.

  xxx

• 349 Nature // May 25, 2009 at 4:02 pm

  Awww, thank you!

  Eeek, so I do have a bit of gaining to do as my nutritionist said. I’ll find out tomorrow the ideal weight range + body fat % I should be in.

  I heard you need at least 22% to keep having your period constantly, and about a year ago, I was at around 13-17% or so. Now I’m at 20, so I still have more to go, >.<. No wonder I wasn’t having my period, LOL.

  I think I’m going to treat myself to a walk in this amazing afternoon sunshine. It’s so warm, and I haven’t been out in ages. My body definitely needs the Vitamin D, haha, to help with my bones. It’s also good since it keeps my mind off of things, and I’m sure it’ll make me feel better, hehe. I’m starting to feel better today with your help, Aliyah, so thank you, ^^.

  I hope to talk to you soon, , and take care everybody!

• 350 bex // May 26, 2009 at 10:21 am

  hey everyone,
  im feeling really depressed at the mo and i thought id come here for reasurrance.
  ive got to see my dietition 2 morrow because im falling back into my old ways im being too stricked to maintain my weight and deprieving myself and eating hardley anything ive lost my appetite and im exercising more.
  i feel like im not worth it and i dont want to put any more weight on,ive lost hope for my periods coming bk so im even more stressed out.
  i think im too fat and i want to lose weight again its so hard cuz i want to be happy and not worry yet im always going to be strict on something i cant cope! im never going to be the same again

• 351 Aliyah // May 26, 2009 at 10:27 am

  bex- heya. you are worth it, u deserve a nice life, why dont u? everyone does, all u need to do is REGAIN weight bak, and with that u will regain a life without anorexia.
  if u eat btter and regain, ur mind and body will feel better, ur gaining nothing by starving urself, ur just putting urself closer to death. ur not fat, thats ana talking, we al l here have had that thougt at sum time,
  recovery is not easy, but if u stick by it u will develop a healthy relationship with food, but if u go back into ana ways, u will never get better. u have the potential , it takes effort.
  what do u have to look foward to in life? if u write down what u gain from starvation, u will find nothing, because u cant, so u need to decide once and for all, u are going to get better, and u will. once u have the determination within u, u can do it, we all can, we all are doing it, and with support and help u will get to a happier better place in life.
  its great ur going to the dietician, u shud maybe get councelin?

  x

• 352 bex // May 26, 2009 at 10:47 am

  thanx aliyah,i hav a councellor but hes hard to get hold off n for some reason he treats me for behaviour so he always shouts at me,my dietition says hes going to councell me too and he also said that hes going to give me a food diary.
  not sure what thats going to be like

• 353 Aliyah // May 26, 2009 at 10:54 am

  bex- sorry to hear that about ur counceler, being hard to get hold of. honestly though, when i started recovery it was hard, i had to keep a food diary, and stick to a meal plan and its not easy but its good to see how little ur eating, and slowly as u add things in u will feel better.
  what u need to see though is, what u will gain by recovering, and what u wont if u keep going the way u are, i think u shud make a list for each, and see for urself.
  being at a healthy weight, having periods everything is possible, and it snot as scary as it seems.
  do u want to feel sad and depressed all ur life? of course u dont, in times of stress u can learn new coping mechanisms.i rememver before i wud always look to food, to control stress, but now i just say ok thats life, by eating less i gain no control, because im giving in to a voice.
  writing down feelings emotions thoughts and what not can help to. u shud read some recovery books, thin by grace bowman is one suggestion.
  because trust me, life gets better with food, when u can go out and enjoy it its such a good feeling.
  i know u can do it!

• 354 Nature // May 26, 2009 at 2:25 pm

  Awww, Bex, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time!!!

  I can sympathize with you totally. I, too, am worried of not getting my period back and getting fat, . However, it takes time as Aliyah said. I haven’t had my period in over two years almost. Just here and there for a few times, very irregular. I really want it back because I want to have kids when I grow up.

  Eating disorders are like dictatorship in my opinion. Yes, it seems as if you’re “in control” and that you are able to command yourself to do all of these horrible things, but everything is corrupting from the inside. Your mind becomes dysfunctional, you start to feel tired, your hair falls out, your body feels cold… and if you keep at it, you will die. Dictatorship never works. Eating disorders don’t, either.

  You do not want to live the rest of your life with an eating disorder! It keeps taking away, and gives nothing in return.

  I have to go today to my ED clinic to see my nutritionist and doc, too. Yes, it is scary, and I am going to be afraid of the weight range they’re going to suggest to me. But you know what? Screw it, I don’t want to live life like this. The only way to get better is to treat myself well, emotionally and physically. I want my life back, and I know you do, too. I want to grow up, I want to have kids, I want to be with the one I love. I want to be happy.

  We all do.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 355 Nature // May 26, 2009 at 4:43 pm

  Hey guys, I got back from my clinic, and it went well, I suppose.

  I have some gaining to do, and I have to eat more, especially at breakfast, :/. I just hope I am able to get better and have my period back, >.<.

• 356 Aliyah // May 27, 2009 at 3:22 am

  nature- do u have much to REGAIN?
  you are going to do betterm because u truely want to get better, look at ur words to bex :’ But you know what? Screw it, I don’t want to live life like this. The only way to get better is to treat myself well, emotionally and physically. I want my life back, and I know you do, too. I want to grow up, I want to have kids, I want to be with the one I love. I want to be happy. ‘

  how positive is that? u are going to do it absoultely, 100% get eating!
  oh uno another great snack to have, and its so healthy too, have like a bowl of soup during the day or something, with a piece of bread. i used to get like tomato soup, add chicken in it and eat it with bread. great snack, and its nice n healthy which u prefer

  xox

• 357 Nature // May 27, 2009 at 7:50 am

  Aww, thank you Aliyah.

  I don’t have a whopping amount to regain, but they want me to be at around 110 pounds. So like 8 pounds or so more to go.

  And that’s a great snack idea! However, I think it’s too big for me atm, LOL. My nutritionist is asking me to try and complete this meal plan that she set out for me right now. It’s not a “normal” one/amount of food people usually eat within a day. So we’re building up slowwwlyy. Breakfast is the most difficult for me. She wants me to have a serving of grain, dairy, and fruit/veg at the moment, and I usually only get two out of those at the most. There’s also like snacks in between breakfast and lunch, lunch and dinner, and after dinner. Those are difficult for me, too, :/.

  Apparently I am dehydrated, and because of that, my kidneys are stuffed up, so I really have to start drinking more fluids, which is also difficult for me, arghhhhh. Why can’t this be easy?! LOL!

  Anyway, my nutritionist said that as long as I eat healthily and the amount of what normal people eat in the long run, my weight will go to the healthy one for me, and stay there. I hope so!

  Thanks for being a listening ear, Aliyah! And good luck to everyone in their recovery.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 358 Aliyah // May 27, 2009 at 7:56 am

  nature-
  thats fab u do not have far to go weight wise, but remember its also about how u feel and ur motivation and loving urself so just keep remembering ur beautiful and deserve a nice life
  oh ino, i used to find too much drink, and snacks hard too, but honestly if u do it, ur body will get used to it faster and as ur body gets used to it , it will stop feeling so bloated and full and sickly.
  it will pass, and then ur life will be better and ull be healthier. its gna be worth it, i promise:D
  im awfully proud of u, and i know ur gna do it, your soo nearly there, just a little bit more to go!
  every time u drink or eat, just tell urself ‘this is my medicine’, ur body will behealthier, and u dont want ur kidneys to suffer.

  all the best this is the best way to recover, its better than being forcefed ina hospital

  xoxox

• 359 Nature // May 27, 2009 at 10:15 am

  Hehe, definitely.

  They do want me to consider inpatient, but I’m just hoping that I won’t have to by the time the waiting list is gone. I don’t want to be away from my family, boyfriend, and miss out work and school and stuff, so yeah, hehe.

  I’m just trying my best to get my hunger cues back, eat regular healthy meals, regain the weight I need, and get my period back, lololol. That’s a big thing for me because I really want to have kids when I grow up, >.<.

  Thank you once again, ^^.

• 360 bex // May 27, 2009 at 1:41 pm

  hey guys,im feeling a lot better thank you im going to see my nutritionist and im kinda looking forward to it,its an oppertunity to have another go at recovering.
  its kinda like i have big downfalls get help and come back even stronger hopefully i could one day recover fully and not have downfalls and stay strong.
  what do you guys think of how to get my appetite bk ,im finding it quite hard and i try to eat little and often but i never get hungry so i tend to eat less, i do force myself sometimes but then that makes me feel bad
  i wish i could have a fast metabalism like i used to and i know that i need more because im still growing but i find it hard to give it more if im never hungry and always feeling stuffy

• 361 Aliyah // May 27, 2009 at 2:01 pm

  bex- recovery has ups and down, u just need to try ever so hard to stay on the up side and never restrict n go back, because each time u will cause so much damage o ur body.
  the best way to get appetite bak is to eat little n often like ur doing, get ur body used to food, and eat foods u enjoy, ones that u feel like having, and makin sure u get enuff of it.
  metabolism speedsup as u eat more, so soon, if u keep eating well, ur metabolism will pick up. the stuffy and constant full up feeling will go away just stick at it. i went thru the same stage, and it snot easy but it has to be done, and then after it gets easier. make this the last time u put ur body thru this, healthy and happy is the way to be!

  xx

• 362 Nature // May 27, 2009 at 5:24 pm

  Hey Bex!

  I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m having the same issues as you, and my stomach gets really uncomfortable after eating as well. The only way to get your hunger cues back is to eat regularly, whether you’re hungry or not. My nutritionist said if you’re not feeling hungry every 2-4 hours, your hunger cues are most likely inaccurate. She is challenging me to eat every few hours constantly, but it’s okay if I can’t complete it.

  The average person has a breakfast, then a snack about 2-3 hours later, then lunch at noon, another snack about 2-3 hours later, dinner, and finish the day off with an evening snack.

  But hun, don’t expect yourself to do that overnight! I can’t do it either at this moment, but I’m slowly getting better day by day. What my nutritionist also told me was that we have a genetic potential for weight, like our height. As long as we keep eating well, our body will develop and weigh that weight which is right for us with a metabolism that it’s happy with. So once we’re healthy, when we eat a little under, our body will naturally lower our metabolism to keep our weight the same, and if we eat a little more, it will go up to burn it off.

  Good luck in your recovery, ^^.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 363 Nature // May 27, 2009 at 7:28 pm

  Oh my god, I didn’t feel hungry at all for dinner, but guess what!!!

  I made a homemade burger with cheese + mayo + ketchup + lettuce + tomato + pickles and ground turkey for the burger, LOL. I baked some french fries in the oven, too, as a side dish kinda thing. I thought I would only be able to eat the fries, but I made myself eat everything! Yes, I feel bloated and a tad uncomfortable, but I obviously need my hunger cues back and that whopping protein, iron, calcium, and vitamins, :O!!!!

  I feel so happy, LOLOL! Girls, if you’re ever struggling with dinner, think of the whopping amount I ate tonight if it makes you feel any better, haha!

  Good luck to everybody in their recovery, and thanks for letting me share this even though you guys didn’t say I could, LOLLL. I just had to share it, xDDD.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 364 bex // May 28, 2009 at 9:26 am

  hey everyone,thats great to hear nature! so glad your all doing so well it makes me feel so much better.
  btw ive just been bk from the dietition and hes gave me a food plan ive got to stick to im really scared all this food how am i going to fit it in!
  but im really determined to force myself cuz i know i can do it i really need my periods bk lol.
  lookin forward to my new life of not being so strict on myself ive finally realised after everything my body’s been through ity needs a great big treat!lol
  great to hear ur doing so well keep it up i know im determined!

• 365 Nature // May 28, 2009 at 11:36 am

  Hey Bex!

  Definitely, you’ll do just fine! Even I can’t complete my meal plan, either. I can’t get in snacks all the time, and after dinner, I’m too full to have an evening snack like yesterday, LOL. Breakfast is still difficult for me, and I only got two out of the three food groups I need to aim for today, :X.

  Don’t worry sweety, just keep eating regularly, and your body will get its hunger cues back, ^^. I’m trying my best, too, and you’ll look better + feel healthier, warmer, and have more energy. My counsellors and stuff tell me I look better and less dead, LOL.

  At times you might feel uncomfortable after meals since your tummy might hurt, but you have to get through it to get better. You’re already so determined and positive + wanting to get better, so you will get better!

  And hehe, I too, want my periods back. I can’t wait to be healthy since I seriously want to have kids when I’m older.

  Just keep going like you are doing right now, and happy eating!

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 366 Aliyah // May 28, 2009 at 1:20 pm

  nature- aaaaaaaah well done on ur dinner! that is soooooo great im soooo proud!!! yeah i mean sumtimes we think wer not hungry when we actually are and thats so great, u beat ana so bad there! instead of missing a meal whcih wuda been easier u fought and ate and enjoyed it! no time for guilt! its so good that u feel good about it too, thats an important achievment so well done u! keeeep going

  bex- ur food plan will be fine, jus stick at it, and tell urself food is medicine, and anorexia is death! ur nice and motivated and u will do so good in it, i know u will! u can do it, everyone can achieve their dreams and goals, and u are strong enuff. if ur strong enuff to starve ur body, and fight temptations as strongly as u did, u can do this. give in to ur cravings, and stay positive, u need load of food to repair the damage
  al the best:D

  xx

• 367 Nature // May 28, 2009 at 9:06 pm

  Egh, I’m starting to feel guilty over what I ate these past few days.

  I mean.. I know I’m not heavier than when I was 14, but I feel soooo bloated and my stomach seems huge, :X. It will pass away, rightt? I’m just so scared of becoming fat or something, >.<. I just need some reassurance I guess…

• 368 bex // May 29, 2009 at 9:13 am

  nature,trust me i get the bloated feeling all the time then it goes and comes back again but its not so bad now i think as ur metabalism speeds up youll digest food quicker so its not so bloated.
  dont worry you wont get fat your metabalism will pick up soon and youll feel alot better
  hang in there hun! youre doing ever so well so dont let ana back into ur life,were all here for you and remember that its who you are and not wat u look like that counts. good luck and stay positive! xx

• 369 bex // May 29, 2009 at 9:18 am

  and if it makes you feel any better,ive just eaten a really big thick slice of cream and iced sponge cake!
  i feel bad for it but it was so delicious!

• 370 Nature // May 29, 2009 at 10:49 am

  Hehe, thank you so much Bex!

  It’s still early on the day, but I did eat breakfast! Two pieces of those bite sized brownies, a bit of cereal, and yogurt, whoopee!!

  I recently got two newts, and they’re so cuteeeee! LOL. I make sure they’re taken very well care of, and I realized that I should take care of myself as well as I take care of them! (or I think I’m taking good care of them, haha!) Hehe. Enough food, water, safe environment, nice atmosphere, etc.

  And awesome eating you did there! It’s good that you enjoyed it, too, and I came to realize I enjoy baked foods, ^^. Especially muffins, xD, but I don’t like anything pastry like pies, tarts, etc., :X. The butter and stuff kills me… can’t have it at all, lololol.

  So it’s nearing 11AM now.. sorta missed my snack so I think I’ll have lunch soon, and definitely have an afternoon snack. I need to get more calcium + protein into my day, so I’ll challenge myself to at least have a cup of milk or something each day!

  Take care, and good luck in your recovery, ^^.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 371 Aliyah // May 29, 2009 at 12:24 pm

  nature- u wont get fat, everyone gets that thought in recovery, i remember it so well. but just remember what ur doing this for, and u still dont have ur period so uno u are not fat, ur still underweight or ur period would be back. thats gd ur challenging urself! woweee, see how determined u are, and in the times u get a sad or scary thought just push it away and remeber this is u getting ur life back, and not letting ana take it away. awesome brekkie btw! have a fab day of food. and if it makes u feel better, i bought a chocolate milshake today, just cause i thought id treatmyself ful of calories, but who cares!

  bex- great job on that sponge cake! yahhh your doing so well, and u deserve to eat tasty things like that. treat urself often

  xx

• 372 Nature // May 29, 2009 at 5:03 pm

  Thanks Bex and Aliyah!

  Not really having a good day with my ED. Still kind of feel guilty of eating, and today, I decided to look in the mirror and had an awful outcome. I tried to say that I am happy with myself, and that I am beautiful, but nope… couldn’t convince myself.

  I went shopping later on today for groceries at the place I work, and needless to say, my buddy said, “Heyy, how are you? Your face looks… not chubby, but rounder. You seem more relaxed.”

  I know she was telling me that I looked better compared to before, but when I heard the word “chubby,” I crashed down inside, . *Sigh*, I know she had good intentions and was trying to get across the message of me looking healthier, but it’s amazing what one word can do to us, :X. I don’t really know what to do. The first thought that came up to me was, “Gee, I’m getting fat,” and to be honest, I feel like I can’t eat dinner tonight.

  Ughhh, bloody godddd. I’ll try to make myself, though. I’ll grill some fish and steam some veggies. Hopefully I am able to cook my dinner and eat it.

  Sorry, I’m just a bit disappointed and frustrated of myself… I’m getting tired of the ups and downs. However, how are you all doing? I hope you’re having a better time than me, at least.

  Good luck in your recovery! I know I’m still fighting.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 373 Lou // May 29, 2009 at 6:48 pm

  Hi everyone, it’s Lou. I haven’t posted in a while. At the moment, i feel really horrible… as you might know, I had anorexia and was 5’5, and just under 100 pounds last year. before the anorexia, 2 years ago… i was 5’5 and 150-155 pounds, i was always a big girl as a kid too. Around september last year, after a small stint in hospital, (i had depression as well as the ED and foolishly attempted to kill myself. my friend found me just in time and with 2 weeks in hospital i just came out with a very badly damaged liver). I decided after that that i needed to become healthy again, and so did everyone around me, and so i slowly went to see people, and eat a little bit more. I didn’t like it at first, i was convinced i was going to get really fat. I kept eating what they told me to eat, and I kept gaining weight EVERY WEEK. I hated the way I looked but I felt like I couldnt let my parents down again. I would stop eating for a couple of days, feel like i was slipping back into my ED and then the next couple of days eat quite a bit. This happened a couple of times every few months. I was so scared i would become anorexia again that if people offered me food, i would take it and eat atleast half, even if i wasnt hungry. my metabolism is really messed up, and i feel as if i smell food and i put on weight. I don’t eat junk food, mostly organic fruit and veggies (im vegetarian), and sometimes wholegrain breads with spreads on them. The problem is, i’ve put on ALOT of weight. People always told me at the beginning when i was putting on 3 or 4 pounds a week, that it would all level out and id just be a normal healthy weight again. But that didnt happen, more weight just kept coming, and i’ve balooned to 155 pounds. I feel absoloutely disgusted with myself and at a recent doctors appointment was told i was overweight. to hear that broke my heart. I had gone from anorexia and underweight to overweight… i felt punished for trying to get better. i want to lose the weight to be healthy again, but i dont know how. the only way ive ever known to lose weight is to starve myself, and i dont want to go down that path again but i feel myself wanting to as an only answer. If i go on a diet, i know it will just slip into anorexia again, as that was how it started in the first place. I already exercise 5-10 hours a week, and i’ve had my thyroid checked. I’m over being fat and disgusting… sometimes i think i’d prefer being anorexic than what i am now. i feel lost and sad… it’s really cutting me up and i dont know what to do. love Lou

• 374 saphire // May 29, 2009 at 7:19 pm

  Lou,
  I am Saphire. If you scroll through the posts to last year at this time, you will notice I posted quite a bit. At this time last year, I was severely anorexic. I was skinny, miserable and dying. My veins were collapsed and my heart was failing. I seriously was very very close to death. At the beginning of August, I decided I had had enough of feeling like absolute crap. So I started to eat.
  I had a lot to gain and so I justified all my eating with “I need to gain” I worked out each day still and it even got to a point where I was working out 2+ hours each day but I still ate. And when I say I ate- I mean, I ate 3000+ calories a day. I seemed to binge each night because at first I was still restricting in the day so when night came, I binged. Then this year in Feb, I woke up one morning and just couldn’t do 2+hours on the treadmill. So I didn’t. I didnt do any exercise at all.
  After than day, i have been working out no more than 1 hour a day sometimes just .5 hour, because really, why spend so much time working out- there are much better things to do and its high time we gave our bodies a break. I was still eating tons tho- I never stopped. Its like my body and my brain would NOT let me restrict.
  To tell you the truth, I even wanted to sometimes, but I just couldn’t.
  So here I am, a whole year later from when I was sooo underweight and dying to actually being realistically overweight now.
  I hadnt posted on here because there was no one I could relate to. Until you just posted and I had to speak up.
  I beat myself up about my weight pretty much each day and I get upset about it alot. But you know what?? I am enjoying life now. I go out with my friends, I actually have friends now, I can go into a restaurant and order a plate of pasta and eat ice cream and I wont think the world’s going to end. Life in all is much better. Sure I don’t like myself in the mirror, but I like living. I like living. Don’t you?

  And you know what else? this is NORMAL! We had to eat, Lou. This is what happens. A person starves themselves and of course this is going to happen. My grandma came over in the war to canada on a boat and for months before, she had nothing to eat because of well, the war. When she came to canada, she was soo starved that she ate tons of bread and pastas the stuff her body was needing. And of course she gained weight! She gained a lot of it too!!! Like you might say- she “ballooned” but after a while, of eating consistantly, she lost the weight.
  Yes, it takes time and you’re not going to lose it in a month but live each day like a normal person and you will lose it. I can promise you that. Ive been overweight now for a few months and I have NOT once gone back to my old ana ways even tho sometimes I wanted to. And with my healthy eating now and my moderate activity, I am actually starting to slim down my shoulders a bit and with drinking lots of water, my face too.

  Lou, I feel you. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Im there. Do NOT give up- do NOT go back- that would be the worst thing you could ever do. Keep going and I promise you, you will get back to your old HEALTHY self soon. Know that. Keep positive and love yourself hunny. You are beautiful. Do NOT diet. Diets are pure crap. People who diet basically starve themselves and then when they just cant do it anymore, they gain all their weight back. Dont do that.
  Eat healthy like you are. Keep doing what you doing. Keep living your life- healthy.

  Dying is easy. Living is hard. But don’t you want to live?

  xoxox and much love.
  Saphire.

• 375 Lou // May 29, 2009 at 7:26 pm

  thank you so much saphire. you’re comment means ALOT to me. it had taken me a long time to get the courage to post the comment i did, as i didnt think anyone was going through what i was. but now that i know i am not alone, i think i can do it. i will try to keep strong and focus on just living life. i hope one day we both become extremely happy and healthy, i know you deserve it, your heart is pure gold. thank you so much. Lou xx

• 376 saphire // May 29, 2009 at 7:50 pm

  And you have a beautiful heart as well Lou- and the rest of you is just as beautiful. Believe that, really try hard. I know its hard,I don’t always believe it. To tell you the truth, I don’t believe it often, but those rare moments when Im happy and Im laughing and I feel so free- of the past chains and demons of anorexia, I do believe it. Beauty is NOT skin deep. Its so much more than that.
  I know you will get over this- your body just has to trust you once more. And it will- give it a couple months or so and you will start getting back on track. I find is so funny- well oddly funny lol how this all worked eh? we’re totally fine before we totally fuck ourselves, and then when we fix ourselves, we get our asses kicked (rapid dramatic weight gain).
  So let this be a lesson to us- umm… not ever do that again?! lol. We can laugh but I mean, it is serious. So lets keep on going the way we are and we will get the result we want eventually. We will. And thank you for posting. Until you just did, I didnt have the courage either. So thank you so much. xox- Saphire

• 377 saphire // May 29, 2009 at 7:54 pm

  And yes- this crappy shit you and me are going through- it is a part of recovery. its the last stage. We let that be a congratulations Lou You should be incredibly incredibly proud.

• 378 Nature // May 29, 2009 at 8:25 pm

  Hey Lou and Saphire!

  I’ve read your comments before on this site, but have never spoken to either of you. I’m quite new here, but everybody is so lovely and nice, just like yourselves, ^^.

  It’s so great that you two were able to connect and help each other out. I’m still working towards my goal weight that the ED clinic worked out for me.

  However, there is sooo much to weight. Athletes are sometimes “overweight” because of their muscle mass, but in fact, they are perfectly fine since they don’t have a high body fat %. Weight is SO much more than just height and pounds… it’s your genetics, nationality, body frame, etc. Caucasians usually weigh more than Asians, but Asians have more body fat than them, and African people have less body fat compared to Caucasians + Asians. It’s even more complicated if you’re a mixed nationality, :X. There’s so much stuff that affects weight!

  I don’t think it’s right for any doctor to just look at your height and weight and go, “oh you’re underweight, oh you’re overweight, etc. etc.” Since both of you exercise, it’s a good possibility that it’s just your muscles, :O.

  Thank you to both of you for contributing that part of your recovery process. It was very heart-touching!

  I wish you all the best, and keep fighting!

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 379 bex // May 30, 2009 at 1:36 am

  hey lou and saphire youre stories really touched me although i dont go through quite the same as you do i really feel for you two,i am also very proud of how determined you are to beat this and i know you will,it takes alot of time and energy but well worth it in the end. everybodys got something to live and work for and life is what you make it.
  keep fighting i kno it hurts inside it will all pay off in the end.
  best whishes xxD

  nature-i kno exactly what you mean nearly everyone i know has told me my face looks rounder and im like what?! and id go home and sob and sob it really is amazing what one word can do to people.
  imagine if someone called you a fuzzleyboo in a high pitched squeeky voice youd laugh or at least think huh?
  because were not familiar with the word so we dont really take offense.
  what i usually do is imagine the person who said the word that offended you saying it in a high pitched funny voice hopefully it should make you laugh.
  good luck and best whises and remember to keep eating just think of the day that you get ur period! i too am anxious to get mine! xxD

• 380 Aliyah // May 30, 2009 at 3:12 am

  nature- that happens in recovery, and u need to rephrase it, they mean well. theyr enot saying, omg u look so ugly and fat, theyre saying, u look a lot beter, not ill and skeltal anymore. when ppl said it to me, i used to find it hard, but like i said, just rephrase it, and look past it. its one comment from one person, and u cant let it stop u eating dinner. did u have dinner? what did u have? what u see in the mirror probably isnt what u actually look like, we still have distorted images of ourselves. i watched a programme once, n this woman had anorexia and recovered and still ten years later, she overestimated how she looked and her body size by like 22%! so dont trust ursef completely yet, theres still sum ana.

• 381 Aliyah // May 30, 2009 at 3:19 am

  lou- ur comment really touched me, i feel for you, honestly. i can only imagine how hard that is for u to cope with, and getting better for others is hard too, forcing urself and i can understand why u feel like ud rather be anorexic. but just like sapphire , about a year ago i was really really underweight, and ive regained pretty much all of it back, and even though im not overweight i do sumtimes feel a bit down about myself, or think i lok horrible, or the way the clothes fit or whatever but really id rather be the way i am. u dont want to go back, and do it all again, how awful wud that be, what if ur body never recovered. enjoy the things u can in life, life is more about ur image and how u look and ur weight, and if this is ur natural body shape and weight then so be it, u can celebrate it, wear clothes that flatter u and boost ur confidence in other ways. get ur hair done, ur nails done, go out with ut friends, and look past the image, life is more about that. like u said u eat healthy and its not like ur sitting eating unhealthy fatty stuff all the time. sapphires right, celebrate this part of recovery and be proud of urself, ur free of a body that is liable to a lot more damage. ur truely an inspiration

• 382 Aliyah // May 30, 2009 at 3:22 am

  bex- i got the same comments as u from my own mother, and i used to find it really hard. shed be like ur face is rounder now, but thats a gd thing, thats a sign of health, and vitality, its not saying ur fat and ugly. thats the ana talking. everytime u get a comment rephrase it and look past it, ur still underweight, and have a way to go.
  you can do it

  x

• 383 Lou // May 30, 2009 at 3:57 am

  thank you everyone, your support means so much to me. be strong everyone.

• 384 Nature // May 30, 2009 at 9:51 am

  Thanks Bex and Aliyah!

  That really put me to look at it in a different perspective. I just hope that I can beat this one day. It’s just so darn hard, though. It takes so much time to take that one step forward, and something like a person’s comment drops you back down like five steps, :X.

  Well, I know I still need to eat and gain, so I’ll challenge myself. I did have dinner yesterday. I just went, screw it, I can’t keep living life satisfying others (my ED started because my mother commented on my weight when I was only 105 lbs at 14 years old WTF, and I also took that comment I got from my buddy as, “you are fat” *sigh*). I breaded a fillet of fish, and baked it in the oven. Had some steamed veggies on the side, and in the end, I had salad with some sesame dressing drizzled on. I actually enjoyed it to be honest, and the comment from earlier on my day didn’t cross my mind at all when eating, so yay, !

  I wish you all good luck in your recovery, whichever stage you’re in. It’s a tough fight, but you’re all very strong and in for it to beat it! Good luck everybody!

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 385 Aliyah // May 31, 2009 at 4:53 am

  well done nature! that sounds yummy, and yes u shud enjoy it. recovery is hard but the result is wrth every bit of hard work, ur regaining ur life back, not just a body weight. keep eating, rephrase any comments, and just think of what ur doing this for. healthy and happy is the way to be!

  xx

• 386 bex // May 31, 2009 at 5:02 am

  hey everyone,
  im so proud of you nature! its a big step forward to not feel so guilty about things.
  im slowly letting go on things but food worries still cross my mind, i used to get no sleep at all but when i started to eat better and relax i slepped non stop!but now cuz im worrying i havent had much sleep lately im so dissapointed and angry with myself.
  i think i might try some yoga or something,especially because ive exercised so much i cant move my muscles ache!
  lots of luck in recoverywishing u all well xxD

• 387 Aliyah // May 31, 2009 at 5:19 am

  bex- recovery is a slow long process, but stick at it, an du will get thru it. sleep was always an issue for me too, ive always found it hard to get to sleep, and in my anorexia days i hardly ever slept, but now i can sleep more. do things to relax urself before sleep like, spray sum lavender, read and write down ur worries and thoughts and everything every single nite before u go to sleep. the last one realllly works, and dont be angry or dispaointed, just try to relax, make sure u eat as much as u can, food will help u sleep. maybe a banana and milk before bed or sumthing

  xx

• 388 Nature // May 31, 2009 at 9:05 am

  Thanks Aliyah and Bex once again!

  I’m trying my best although it is difficult, hehe. Right now I’m just trying to increase dairy products for the calcium + solid food. A bit hard, but I slowly am improving, ^^.

  And Bex, you’re doing a great job already, so keep at it! I know what you mean by food worries crossing your mind. I still sometimes get it, but not as often as before! You just have to let go of the past, and keep on being healthy – emotionally and physically.

  Yoga is an excellent idea! It’s not intense at all, and calms and relaxes you so it’ll take your mind off of things. I go for a light walk nowadays since I don’t feel so cold anymore, and the sunshine is absolutely fab over here! It clears my mind, and makes me think more positively, .

  Just keep at it, hun! Eat meals every few hours, drink fluids, and get enough sleep + personal enjoyment (reading, drawing, TV, whatever). You’re doing great!

  Good luck in your recovery everyone!

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 389 Alleeconn // May 31, 2009 at 9:57 am

  Hullo all…and Aliyah heh.
  I know I’ve been on here kind of fleetingly, but I read the board every day, and figure I’d drop a note.
  Nature, way long ago I came on this site as a last hope of home recovery before I’d be sent to in-patient, now I am still “in recovery”, but it is getting easier.
  An amazing thing recovery is. I can tell if I’m not eating enough in a day because my image in the mirror is distorted, but when I do eat enough, my self-confidence goes up!
  I hope that helps motivate you.
  I’m done regaining, and I’m now maintaining, and it’s surprisingly easy!
  I still get moments and even the odd day where I feel so gross and so fat and so…not like eating. But I tell myself it’s not the truth and eat anyways!
  Last night, I went to my first barbeque in over a year and a half…and ate dessert.
  I’m just writing to let y’all know that it is doable! Listen to the girls on the boards over the voice in your head…because it’s true, there is so much more to EVERYTHING than weight and calories.

  much love,
  alleeconn

• 390 Nature // May 31, 2009 at 11:26 am

  Hehe, hi Alleeconn!

  I have seen your messages on the board before, too, since I have read quite a few of the messages here and there. Although I have never talked to you until now, . I’m glad you’re done regaining and at the maintaining stage! It must have been an incredible journey!

  Girls like you, Aliyah, Lou, and Saphire are a great inspiration to me since you’ve all been through so much, and you’re all oh so close to being fully recovered. I hope I can be recovered as much as all of you.

  It’s a daily struggle, but the struggle is weakening day by day!

  Thank you for dropping by, ^^.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 391 bex // May 31, 2009 at 11:57 am

  hey alleeconn,im bex,
  im glad to hear that your so far into recovery and youre happy you should be so proud of yourself!
  i was just wonderin if you could tell me a few things about maintaning ur weight .
  thing is im at my target weight but im still too very strict with myself i obsesse about exercise and counting calories and constant worry and upset,because im frightened that if i dont i will gain more weight and it wont maintain.
  i have seen my dietition many times about it,hes told me that i dont need to worry its not that i dont believe him but im too stuck in my ways.
  i wish i could be happy and not think about food and weight.
  can i ask how you maintain youre weight just so that i know from someones experiences.
  many thanks and congrats! xxD

• 392 bex // May 31, 2009 at 12:09 pm

  hi nature,thanx for the words of wisdom.
  i just dont know whats going on with me these days!
  also its showing i need to take better care of my health its lovely and hot for the summer but ive somehow caught a cold my immune system isnt as strong as it used to be.lol
  keep fighting and getting stronger day by day i kno you can! xD

• 393 Nature // May 31, 2009 at 12:37 pm

  Bex, I too, have caught a cold a few weeks ago, and it JUST started to go away, . It’s really not a good sign as it shows we’re still getting healthier and stronger body wise and that we’re still not fully healthy…

  Eating disorders do lower you immune system. It’s basically killing your body to put it bluntly… slow suicide as Aliyah have said before.

  The best thing for you to do to get over your cold and to get better + recover from the ED is to keep eating regular meals and have lots of fluids especially since you have a cold. When I went to the clinic last week, they told me I was dehydrated and because of that, my kidneys were stuffing up. I’ve been drinking more water than usual these past few days, and at first, it feels uncomfortable and you’ll be going to the bathroom all the time, LOL. However, it helps your body flush out toxins and whatnot so it helps your digestion. I realized that by drinking more water, my stomach is getting less bloated and whatnot. Feels good actually, : D.

  Keep fighting hun, and take care, ^^.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 394 Aliyah // May 31, 2009 at 1:28 pm

  allecon- oh its so lovely to hear from you! im sooo happy for u, really i am, its such a nice thing to hear ur doing well, and being able to go out to things like bbq’s and be free and urself. and sure everyone gets theirbad days, but thats normal, and its not going to affect ur eating and behaviour, so well done, what an achievment.

  bex- it mite be hard to trust ur dietician but it is true, i had to do an experiment in biology about body metabolism and how its chemistry works, and i learnt that our bodies fight hard to maintain a healthy steady level, too little, n they try every way possible to get it up.only then will ur body fight infection effectively.somehing weird though, when i was at my lowest weight and ill, i never ever got colds, and never got ill , and now im a lot better i always get them! i think at that stage my body couldnt afford to get an infection but now its stronger it can. colds are not a sign of weakness, but just a reminder, u must eat well, or one day ur body wnt be able to fight it.

  nature-im so glad ur bloatedness has gone down! that must feel like a great relief. just keep going the way u are, batlling the solid foods andnot depriving urself of anything.

  xx

• 395 Nature // May 31, 2009 at 5:22 pm

  Thanks Aliyah!

  Oh yeah, I thought I’d share something I discovered with you all today! We need 20-30% of our caloric intake in fat! So say 2000 calories a day, and that would mean that we need anywhere in between 45-67 grams of fat a day! By the way, most food guides tell us to get 30%, so aiming for the higher end would be better for us. I knew we needed 30% a day in fat, but I never knew it was THAT much grams of fat once you calculated it out, LOL.

  Thought I’d just share, :O. This makes me think a bit more to not restrict on fat, LOL. No wonder I’m not getting my period!

• 396 Aliyah // Jun 1, 2009 at 3:11 am

  nature- yeah i know, so we really do need a good balanced diet n if u think about it, girls need to have more fat than men, because if we have babies, our bodies have to be able to support it. dont get to bogged down on numbers though, just listen to ur body and mke sure u have enuff variety of food

  have agd day
  xxx

• 397 Chelsea // Jun 1, 2009 at 6:59 am

  Hey everyone! I am currently refocusing my recovery from anorexia and documenting my process, thoughts, etc. on my blog at losinged.blogspot.com. If anyone would like to follow me, learn from my struggles and successes, ask questions, find a mentor, become a mentor, etc. check out my site. Good luck to everyone and thank you for this blog!

  Chelsea’s last blog post..Acceptance

• 398 Nature // Jun 1, 2009 at 7:39 am

  Hehe, totally.

  I think being “normal” when preparing food would do the trick. I totally cut out cooking food in oil, and would just bake it in the oven or use a non-stick frying pan. Yogurt became fat free… milk became skim milk.. you get the idea, LOL. I’m sure the majority of us did this, xD.

  So I think I’ll have nuts for snack, when cooking food use olive oil, etc. etc. No more skim milk and fat free yogurts either, xD. Hopefully that will help.

• 399 bex // Jun 1, 2009 at 9:08 am

  hey everyone!
  guess what! i went clothes shopping today for the first time and and when i tried my usual sizes (like childrens clothes) they were too tight but uno wat it didnt even cross my mind about weight or anything! i just went to the womens side i cant believe it! i usually would break down in tears complaining how much weight ive put on but i dont care! n i got some really fashionable clothes too! thats a bonus

• 400 Nature // Jun 1, 2009 at 10:20 am

  Oh my gosh, I’m so happy for you Bex!

  You are 14, are you not? I remember when I was your age, although it’s only like two years ago, haha, . You must be really happy that you’re turning into a young woman now, :].

  When I was first able to wear a women’s small sized shirt, I was THRILLED because it meant I was growing up, LOL.

  I haven’t bought new clothes in 2-3 years, so I suppose I should go soon since it’s the summer season, and who doesn’t need fabulous clothing?! Jeans are a pain in the rear for me. Children’s = too small, ladies = too big last time I checked. But who knows, hey? I could possibly finally fit into the ladies now, hehe.

  And it’s soooooo good that no negative thoughts crossed your mind. Definitely a sign that you’re kicking the ED’s butt, . You should be so proud of yourself!

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 401 Aliyah // Jun 1, 2009 at 12:35 pm

  bex- i am SOO happy for u! u can embrace a nicer more womanly figure! how awesome, and its clearly giving u a confidence boost. just like nature said, the fact weight didnt cross ur mind, is a great sign! woopppeee, now keep it up, and enjoy ur body. ur not a little girl, your a young woman so u shud not be wearing kids anyways. ur winning

  nature- yeah defo go for a shopping trip, itll boost ur confidence, and think of everything as positive, these clothes flatter this, or this makes me look better.

  healthy and happy girls. its really warm here in scotland ( which is very rare), so ive been enjoying lots of ice cream and milkshakes just now, feeling so happy inside .

  xx

• 402 Nature // Jun 1, 2009 at 2:01 pm

  Aww, Aliyah! That’s so great you’re enjoying your summer!

  I live in Vancouver, BC, in Canada, and amazingly, this year is quite warm over here, too! I’m enjoying the fab sunshine like you are, and it’s great that you are feeling so happy, .

  Enjoy the good weather while it lasts! (rains so much here, xD)

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 403 saphire // Jun 1, 2009 at 7:07 pm

  Wow Nature! I live in Kamloops!!! 3hours from you!! and it was HOT here today haha. Much love and best wishes- I can tell you are determined to beat this and you have it in you to do so. Keep strong- you have a beautiful heart and you are beautiful inside out. xox

• 404 Nature // Jun 1, 2009 at 10:32 pm

  D:!!! Kamloops?! That’s very close to where some of my family relatives live, hehe. Like my half siblings and their kids (my niece and nephews). They’re by Kelowna/Fruitvale I believe. Not too sure of the exact area, hehe.

  But yeah, that area is really nice + great weather imo. Last time I went to Okanagan, we got hit by a dust storm though, LOL.

• 405 bex // Jun 2, 2009 at 7:27 am

  wow its really hot over there too?!
  i live in england and it always rains im so surprised that its hot over here and other countries as well

• 406 bex // Jun 2, 2009 at 9:51 am

  hey all,
  im so confused,just a second ago i was really depressed and wanting to die an all..thinking id eaten too much and im fat.(i generally never get past 1,00 kcals a day)
  then,i ate a chocolate bar
  i feel perfectly fine and relaxed though nothing ever happend why is that?
  im not much of a choco or sweets person but i thought id give it a try…

• 407 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2009 at 10:17 am

  bex- u mean 1000 calories or 100? cause both are wayyyyyyyyyy to low, 1800 a least , anything under is starvation. u want to get better, and ur body felt like a chcolate bar n u had it and felt good about listenin to ur body. thats the real u, the depressed wanting to die is ana talking, and u need to listen to the real u , not the ana part.
  dont deprive ur self, u did a fab thing, and one chcolate bar will make no difference to ur body shape and size. in fact u need to eat a lot of calories just to gain one pound, so keep eating and listenin to ur body!
  proud of u!

  xx

• 408 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2009 at 10:18 am

  bex- where about in england do u live?

• 409 bex // Jun 2, 2009 at 10:35 am

  birmingham,sutton coldfield

• 410 bex // Jun 2, 2009 at 11:03 am

  is it okay if somebody could give me some advice on some foods i could be eating that make me feel happier and healthy without gaining weight? i only eat up to 1,000 cuz im too scared of gaining not too sure how muck kcals im supposed to have without weight gain cuz im at my goal weight but i dont want to put any more on,still wonderin thou if i need to ,2 get mi period bk.
  thnx!

• 411 Nature // Jun 2, 2009 at 11:13 am

  Aww Bex, I know it’s hard, but you have to eat more as Aliyah said.

  As Aliyah have told me before (and it’s true!), you get more depressive and disordered thoughts if you aren’t taking care of yourself properly. Because your body isn’t well, you feel crappy, which leads to more negative thinking, and that leads to more crappy feelings…

  Treat yourself well physically and emotionally, and you will start feeling better. I’ve been through depression, it isn’t fun.

  I was at your stage a few months back; trying to get better, but having a hard time exceeding 1k calories. I found it easier for me to eat small meals regularly, and when having food, always have a condiment on it. For example, a small sandwich I’d put mayonnaise in it for extra calories + fat. If I’m having some fish, put some tartar sauce on, etc. If I’m having toast, don’t have it plain EVER again!!! LOL, I remember eating EVERYTHING plain plain plain. Sometimes people do like to have things by itself, but doing that every single day isn’t quite normal. Most people put jam, margarine, or peanut butter on their bread. Replace fat-free versions of foods with full-fat versions. Skim milk = 2% milk, full fat yogurt, full fat dressing, etc.

  It’s a little difference, but it adds up. Try having nuts for a snack, they’re full of good fat, energy, and minerals + vitamins. And as I have learned from Aliyah once again, don’t jam your body with food you naturally dislike.

  Your body most likely needed the choco bar for the energy. Listen to your body like Aliyah said. Sometimes it’s hard to understand what our body is telling us because we’ve struggled with an ED, but it’ll get clearer with time.

  Keep fighting.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 412 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2009 at 11:23 am

  bex- u need to eat about 500 cals extra everyday for about 7 days to gain one pound, so u can add in lots of little things like fruit, nuts, cereal bars, little chcolate bars.
  make sure ur also eating, protein and carbs at breakkie lunch and dinner.
  treat urself too, and eat foods u enjoy.
  and just like nature said eat small meals regularly, u wont put on weight, but you do need to eat more, or ur periods wont come back. when u eat more, ull feel better mentally too, and will be able to think clearer.

  good luckxxx

• 413 Nature // Jun 2, 2009 at 11:31 am

  Oh, and Bex, if you’re only eating 1000 calories a day, you’re starving yourself to put it bluntly…

  You’ll be losing weight, and that won’t help in getting your period back. I’ve heard that most women/girls stop having their periods if their BMI is lower than 19. It also depends on the amount of fat your body has and the amount of fat you intake each day.

  Bex, women NEED fat. We are supposed to have fat so we can support ourselves when having a child. A normal person’s caloric intake should be about 50-60% carbs, 20-30% fat, and 10-30% protein.

  Say if we were to eat a normal 2k a day, that’s 45-67 grams of fat in a day. But don’t get too bogged up on it like Aliyah told me, . Do what feels right for your body.

• 414 bex // Jun 2, 2009 at 12:05 pm

  thank you! i think my bmi is 18 im not sure my dietition didnt tell me,but he said im a reasonable weight but i will need to gain more if i grow some more.
  ill try not to be so strict on everything i tend to look on the back and scrutinize everything i have and then count all the cals iv had and restrict myself to only a salad for later,but all info is interesting to know im determined to to get better and relax! i tend to get a bit competetive wiv myself sometimes
  thank you all!! best luck xxD

• 415 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2009 at 12:08 pm

  no worries bex, just eat and be comfortable with it, not restrciting and being hard on urself. ur body is ur body, treat it well, u need it for life!

  dont ever give in to ana

  xx

• 416 Nature // Jun 2, 2009 at 12:16 pm

  Yeap, be comfortable with yourself like Aliyah said.

  Another thing to let you know, if this helps you, is that your weight is supposed to keep on increasing as you age even though your height still stays the same.

  My BMI is also in the “18″ range, so I too, have to work hard in getting my period back. It is in the healthy range, but on the lower side. If you aren’t getting your period, you most likely need to gain some weight, like me, hehe.

  Take care hun.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 417 Nature // Jun 2, 2009 at 12:18 pm

  Oh, and have any of you experienced white discolouration in your nails? Like white specks on your fingernails?

  I’m going to see my doc + nutritionist after my family therapy session today (scary for me, >.<), so I think I will ask them, too, but have any of you experienced it before? If so, do you know what it is? :X

• 418 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2009 at 12:21 pm

  nature- i think thats to do with zinc or calcium im sure it is. i used to have it, dont anymore. its amazing what a balcaned diet does eh?
  let me know what the nutrionist says and how ur session goes. go and be honest and remember theyre all their to help and support u, so dont be scared, its all beneficial to ur future:)

  xx

• 419 Nature // Jun 2, 2009 at 12:39 pm

  Yikes.

  Well, I know how to get calcium, but zinc? I suppose I’ll ask my nutritionist. Never heard of zinc deficiencies, lol, but I suppose every nutrient/vitamin/mineral is important!

  These signs keeps on telling me I need to take better care, so I’ll try my best! Thanks Aliyah!

• 420 Aliyah // Jun 2, 2009 at 12:43 pm

  zinc is related to calcium, u can find it in, cheese, milk, meat, and cereal products. u can also get zinc supplements

  good luck xx

• 421 Nature // Jun 2, 2009 at 4:49 pm

  Ahh, thanks!

  I just came back from my family therapy + nutritionist + doc… long time, haha.

  It was all right, I suppose, the family therapy that is. It’s only the first session, so I’ll find out how things go two weeks from now.

  My nutritionist suggested me to take some calcium supplement so I’ll go buy some. I had some blood work done in mid May, and she said my hormones weren’t horrendous or anything, just a little low so it should go back up as long as I keep eating a balanced diet. So therefore, hopefully, I will get my period back soon. They said just to keep my weight up, eat well, and it would most likely come back. The calcium would help also, they said.

  I just hope it comes back soon, and I hope everybody is enjoying the beautiful summer and weather! Take care everybody!

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 422 alleeconn // Jun 2, 2009 at 11:03 pm

  Hey bex, Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I can’t keep up with this board!

  As far as maintaining my weight goes…I honestly can’t tell you I’m not obsessive still, I joined a high-intensity track team and watch what I eat. But, now I can have a dessert or something that isn’t considered “healthy” without feeling guilt.
  I just can’t stop exercising. =( So I’m sorry I don’t have your answer. I agree with Aliyah, your dietician would know best.
  Good luck love

  allee

• 423 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2009 at 3:03 am

  Nature- thats good to know, ur hormone levels r not too low, just keep focusing on a nice balanced diet hope the rest of the sessions go well. and yeah the calcium supplements will help ur on the right path, ull have ur periods bak in no time! xxx

• 424 Nature // Jun 3, 2009 at 8:02 am

  Thanks Aliyah! That’s really encouraging for me, ^^.

  I’m having a really difficult time right now emotionally… My dad yelled at me for not eating breakfast together. Talk about a father who doesn’t understand, -.-. Besides, I haven’t been eating breakfast with anybody for years tbh. Breakfast was never a family meal here, and now that the clinic suggests it, he acts all mighty about it like wtf? What really hurt were his words though. He said it was my problem that I didn’t eat with him, -________-. It’s not really my problem.. it’s my ED’s problem, if that makes any sense to you all?

  And to top it off, my mother constantly nags at me for hair falling out, -_________-. She’s all like, “yes, you can control it. I can’t live with you like this.” BUT I CAN’T CONTROL IT!!! It’s like somebody getting the red spots all over their skin because of chicken pox.

  God, I’ll be glad when I’m out of this household. I can’t live with an effing depressed mother and a dysfunctional family.

  I’m so sorry to vent, I feel so selfish, but I had to let it out, :/.

• 425 Chelsea // Jun 3, 2009 at 8:25 am

  I totally understand what you are dealing with. My mom has accused me of the whole hair falling out, as if I want it to or I am physically pulling it out or something. I live at campus so I am not home that much anymore but when I do go home I still feel like we always have to eat every meal together. I enjoy our family dinners but there are times where I could just really do my own thing but I don’t even suggest it because I am too afraid to hurt my parent’s feelings or I think that they will see that as a sign of ED winning not the other way around. Vocalizing my thoughts and opinions and speaking up are big things that I have been trying to work through with my therapist. I have gotten some better but still definitely struggle with this. I guess I would suggest just talking to your parents and telling them completely honestly everything you just said in your post. They aren’t going to understand it because they are not suffering from it but at least they will be aware of the way your are really feeling. Good luck with the family. It is important that they see where you are struggling because they are some of the best support…but are usually part of the cause too.

  Chelsea’s last blog post..Analyzing the Decision

• 426 bex // Jun 3, 2009 at 9:44 am

  aahh…aliyah i feel so sorry for you i know what you must be feeling im always having fallouts wiv my family and since the therapist told my parents to do things they act all tough as if they have power just because theyve been told to.
  its upsetting i know,but u know what i did,i wrote a poem about how im feeling and how im desperate to beat this and they were so pleased that i could express myself and they started to understand some more.
  i feel for you,and im pleased that you can let it all out.
  good luck n best wishes!

• 427 Aliyah // Jun 3, 2009 at 1:44 pm

  nature- lovely, ino how that feels, but u must understand it is extremely hard for otehrs around us too, they just want us to be better. i rememver my parents used to be like that, because they feel so frustrated and dont know how to control and cope with it too. put urself in ur mum or dads place, all they want to do is help u and for u to be ok, so they an enjoy their daughter. and ino its hard on us, cause we feel bad they feel angry, but dont let it affect ur eating, and just tell them u will in ur own time. u shud maybe try come to a comprimise, even though u dnt have brekkie with ppl, maybe once a week do it, so they can spend sum time with u too, and remember its normal to eat with ppl an dit can help u.
  dont beat urself up about ur parents feelings though, just use it to motivate urself. uno like soon as im better they wnt feel like this again.

  all the best and take care and eat well. recovery is not easy.. for anyone. i used to have arguements now i dont, not about anorexia and food. its another part of recovery that happens.

  bex- i think u meant nature not me

• 428 Nature // Jun 3, 2009 at 2:27 pm

  Ahh, thanks Chelsea, Bex, and Aliyah!

  It’s so great here because nobody judges you, and you’re all so kind.

  I don’t know, I have a therapy session today so I’ll discuss it with my therapist as well, I suppose. But you guys are such a great support!

  I’m all right right now, but my father said worse things later. He said that I didn’t appreciate all the support I got, and to be honest, I yelled to him that he didn’t understand a crap of what I’m going through. Cried afterward, too. I just don’t understand how he can say I don’t appreciate the support I’m getting and that it’s my problem that I didn’t come eat with him when it’s supposed to be the other way around. I mean, I know it’s hard to understand, but the worse thing you could do is to yell. What he’s doing is like yelling at a cancer patient for having cancer.

  Thank you all so much, though. It’s so great to have you guys for a support. You’re all so kind, lovely, and strong people. I wish you all the best.

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 429 bex // Jun 4, 2009 at 2:37 am

  sorry aliyah! (blush)must ov got confused,
  hi ya all i feel on top the world!
  i was energyless yesturday and all depressed,so my dad ordered an indian take away and i completely freaked out at first but in the end i thought it might do me some good and i shared some and now i have bags of energy! and i feel so happy!
  and whats best is that i slept in till 9.30! my first ever proper sleep! woohoo
  i definately need to (and am going to) eat loads more than i am to keep feeling like this.
  ive gotta try and keep it up without slipping bk down again.
  take care everyone i know you can beat this! xxD

• 430 Aliyah // Jun 4, 2009 at 4:30 am

  nature- ino what u feel, ino its hard but u shud try to tell ur dad that, say what u feel, and then just tell him u need sum support. but honestly, i used to have fites with my mum n dad over me, and anorexia, and they just want us to get better. u need to let ur feelings and emotions out though, and just accept this as part of recovery. relationships will get better as u get better. but eating meals with ppl is sumthing u need to master and be comfprtable to do, slowly at ur own pace. u will be fine though, just dont let it affect ur eating or let it get u down. what ur parents say is not at u, its at anorexia, and its all from love. we all love u!

  bex- its ok hehe. tahts so good, that u had the indian food even though it scares u and felt better! each time u feel down think of that feeling, and associate it with eating and eat! cause if sumtimes ur hungry and dont even realise it!
  keep it up, so happpy for u!

  x

• 431 Nature // Jun 4, 2009 at 7:37 am

  Thanks Aliyah.

  I don’t know, each time I bring it up, it ends up in an argument. At meal times, he keeps on staring at me, and I asked him to politely not to do that and he just laughed at me. I don’t really feel like bringing it up when it’s either going to turn into an argument or being laughed at.

  Thank you very much, though. I’ll try my best to bring it up in the next family therapy session.

  Bex, you’re doing great! I’m so glad to hear that you’re having more energy! It might be hard, but hey you’re already trying, so just keep eating hun. Your body will find a weight that it’s happy at as long as you keep on eating regularly, ^^. And as you noticed, by eating, you’ll have more energy and feel better, .

• 432 Aliyah // Jun 4, 2009 at 12:21 pm

  nature, it seems like that is just ur dads coping mechanism, it feels like he wants to see exactly how much ur eating, so he knows if its enuff or not. and this will be annoying and feel like hes tryin to control u, but just ignore it as best u can. wen he next stares at u, stare at what he eats, or just try to make conversation with sumone else. dont focus on the fod, just eat till ur full and keep doing what ur doing.
  all the best, keep eating.
  im going out on a family dinner next week i think, shud be lovely yummy

  xx

• 433 Nature // Jun 4, 2009 at 1:34 pm

  No, he doesn’t even check on me when I eat/if I don’t eat. He has no idea on what even anorexia is or how I’m doing through the day.

  My parents and I don’t really have much of a relationship. My mom suffers from depression, so she doesn’t really do much. On the other hand, my father is very biased and protective towards my mother. My mother’s behaviours negatively affected my brother and I, and we kept on telling him that we have to get help for our mom. All he told us was to just bare it and keep on going for the sake of our mom. This has been going on for four years. He never even thought about how it affected my brother and I. Now my brother is gone from this household with his own set of problems because he couldn’t bear it anymore, and I’m stuck here since I’m not old enough to do anything.

  When my brother and I asked him if he thought it was wrong of him to think that it was okay for us to just suck it up and let our mother affect us, he replied that he didn’t see a problem at all with his thinking and it was the right thing to do.

  My clinic even suggested me to take a one week vacation away from them. My mother has refused all types of treatment, and it doesn’t help to have a stubborn ass of a father. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but this is how both of their kids see their parents as.

• 434 Aliyah // Jun 4, 2009 at 1:43 pm

  nature-wow nature i never knew how tuff u had it with ur parents. i wish ur mum wud get sum help, depression can really be helped i understand how u must feel, its stuff u shud bring up in ur sessions but on top of that u shud focus on urself, how ur parents are is not ur fault, so try to carry on with ur life as much as u can. when ur a lot better, ull b alot more independant, and then maybe u can work on the relationships.
  are u close to ur brother? u can always let ur feelinsg and frustrations out on this site, were all here fr u

  i just had a chcolate milkshake and bar of chcolate and a bowl of popcorn. soo yummmy

  xxx

• 435 Nature // Jun 4, 2009 at 1:54 pm

  Thanks Aliyah. You and all the other girls are a real help for me. I wouldn’t know what to do without you all, hehe.

  Yeap, the thing is, even from the previous sessions before the ED clinic, my mother’s depression has been brought up. At times she wouldn’t even come to my sessions, and when she did come, it always turned out negative with her saying things in an angry tone and refusing all types of help whether it be therapy, counselling, or medication. My doctors have stopped offering help because she refuses each time… to be honest, we sort of gave up.

  And like you have suggested to me, I am slowly learning to accept the fact that my mother doesn’t want help at this moment, and that I will have to focus on myself. It’s just difficult because she’s a major part of my problem. Seeing her depressed makes me just blegh, but I am trying my best. I can’t wait to be independent, : D.

  And it’s sooo good that you’re enjoying food. It’s so darn hot here, LOL. I just had lunch a little while ago. Bbq’ed chicken + spinach salad with a boiled egg in it, . I bought some ice cream again, too, haha. It’s just so hot!

• 436 Aliyah // Jun 4, 2009 at 1:58 pm

  nature, ino, but u ta let ur mother do what she feels right. at the end of the day u cant force her to get better, just like she cant do it on u. ur doing it for urself, but just use it as amotivation, because anorexia can make u feel depressed, and u dont want to be like that. u want a long happy life, with ur bf, and have kids one day and enjoy their lifes.
  ur handling it really well though, just keep it up! real proud of u!

  xx

• 437 Nature // Jun 4, 2009 at 2:29 pm

  Thanks so much Aliyah!

  I know how my mother’s feeling because I, too, went through depression for a few years. I’m pretty confident I’m over it now, so I suppose I’ll let her have her space as you suggested.

  As for my future life, I am definitely looking forward to it, . I’m just waiting for my period to come back, haha. I wish you a happy future, too, with your boyfriend, .

  Lots of love,

  Nature

• 438 bex // Jun 5, 2009 at 10:59 am

  hey guys,
  just wonderin is it just me,i can be happy and normal sometimes but quite rare,and then all of a sudden for a few days id be severely depressed and emotional,but its not because of not eating properly.
  my family says my hormones are all wonky,is it just me ?and if it is my hormones is it a good thing or bad sign of showing no improvement?its been like this since recovery but it was alot worse. me and my family really cant cope with the sudden emotions!although it does affect my eating because of the depression which really doesnt help!
  thanks all! xxD

• 439 Nature // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:50 pm

  Hey Bex!

  Good to hear from you hun, ^^. I don’t know what it is that you’re going through, but I can say I go through the same thing, LOL.

  For a few days I’m quite happy, and all of a sudden, I wake up, and I know I’m not going to have a good day. Usually when I have these days, I realize something. Like one time it was me realizing that I actually cared about myself and wanted self esteem, self confidence, self assurance, etc. Another time, I became emotional because I felt like I finally understood how much pain I’ve caused to my boyfriend. On other days, I felt like I needed a bit more support from people, and that would make me a bit sad.

  Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than just about food! Like Aliyah said to me, it’s finding out who you are and sticking back the real pieces of you back together.

  When I have these moments, I look back to why I wanted to get recovered. I sometimes take a walk, and think through my thoughts, too. That helps me quite a bit, hehe. Just don’t think too deeply, and when you do think, don’t bash yourself, haha. Think realistically. For example, for me, it would be something like, “I want to get better because I want my life back. I want to grow up, marry, and have kids. With an eating disorder, I can’t do this.” or “I’m feeling sad today I think because _______. I know I will feel better soon, and I can’t keep on feeling like this because it won’t help me at all.”

  Why not write down the list of reasons you want to get better? It’s good to have something to look back to when you’ve having a hard time, ^^.

• 440 Aliyah // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:58 pm

  bex- i do think its to do with food, cause i used to get like that. one minute i was glad, and happy and the next i was really down. it is to do with hormones and nutrients u get. do u exercise a lot? make sure ur getting enuff, carbs, protein and fat, and give it time. it shud go away as long as ur feeding ur body enuff.
  if it desnt go away, after a while i wud go to the doctor cause u mite be deficient in a certain type of mineral or vitamin or sumthing.
  but try to stay as happy as u can, and like nature said think realistically, if u start to feel down and sad dont eat less or restrict, but sumtimes eating a little extra can help. on top of that, just think of things like, why shud i feel sad? im getting better, my families supporting me, my friends are etc.

  dont let it get u down! this is all part of recovery.
  try to relax and get enuff sleep.
  x

• 441 Nature // Jun 5, 2009 at 6:53 pm

  Eek, so it is to do with food.

  I suppose I’m getting happier day by day (with ignoring my parents’ behaviours, of course), and I did sit down and eat lunch with both of my parents. I just stared at my food like you advised me to, haha. I must admit, I tried to get out of there asap, though.

  I get panicky if I don’t follow my meal plan, and if I have a proper lunch, I feel too full to eat an afternoon snack although I have to in order to get my hunger cues back/make my hunger cues more accurate. My clinic asked me to increase portion sizes, but that just results in me not being able to have snacks. Do you know what I can do about this??

  How are you all doing anyway? I feel selfish just asking for advice, xD. I hope you’re enjoying the summer and getting healthier day by day mind and body wise, .

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 442 bex // Jun 6, 2009 at 1:03 am

  hey nature,
  i have the same problem,try not to put to much strain on ur self gradually increase it,i found my stomach naurally adjusted and asked for more food anyway but everyones different.
  i still dont have have snacks now even though im supposed to lol so im no help lol!
  but as ur stomach i used to more food it doesnt take long to adjust and ask for more
  hope i helped a bit! good luck i know you can do this! xxD

• 443 Aliyah // Jun 6, 2009 at 3:30 am

  nature- hey yeah i used to get like that about mealplans, get realy agitated if i couldnt follow it to the bone, but honestly, its a plan. its not to be followed by strict same rules everyday. say u usually have a snack at 4pm, if u feel really full one day, have it at 4.45 or 5. i used to find that hard to do. apart from that, increasing meal sizes is hard to do, and yeah its gna make u feel really full for a while, but its just sumthing ur body will get used to. so im afraid for a while, ur gna have to have the snacks with it, even if it mite make u feel uncomfortable 4 a while. just remember why ur doing this, and who ur doing it for. the sooner u do it, the faster ur body will become used to it, so stick by it. ur doing really amazing though. proud
  it just takes time, i was the same, like bex said all our bodies are different, some will ajust faster, some will take more time, but make sure u eat all ur snacks and meals, and try to increase portion size, even just a little.

  u can do it! i know it, 100%

  x

• 444 Nature // Jun 6, 2009 at 3:11 pm

  Thanks girls.

  I’m trying my best, but each time I get stressed because my parents yell or nag at me, it totally messes up my feelings towards food and eating. I can’t live pretending I’m all right with how they are. However, it’s only two more years until I’m out of this household, so I will try my best to stay strong until then.

  As for the eating, I thought I was stabilizing, but had another hungry day today. Feel a bit guilty, but I shouldn’t. I thought I was doing well, and that food really wasn’t too big of a deal anymore, but I suppose it really does take a LONG time to get over these disordered emotions and feelings.

  I just wish my body would show some sign of recovery such as my nails having no more discolouration, healthier mind, having my period back, etc. It just drives me bonkers that it’s taking so long, and I’m at an okay weight although I do have a couple of more pounds to go to hit my target weight.

  I wish you all the best.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 445 Aliyah // Jun 7, 2009 at 3:26 am

  nature, let me tell u sumthing. u mite think that ur body is showin no sign of recovery, but it will take time. butt cognitivly u have showed so much improvement, it makes me so happy. i mean u are aware of everything, u have mad changes, u are fighting, and to think the way u are already took me a lot longer! be proud of that.
  ino there are stresses in ur life, but now u have to learn, to not let it affect ur eating, stick to ur meal plan and keep winning!
  dont fel guilty when u eat more one day, i still have days like that! its normal, everyone has times and days where they eat a ot extra or feel more hungry or whatever. do not fret lovely, it wont make u fat, and uno that

  stay strong x

• 446 bex // Jun 7, 2009 at 5:44 am

  hiya,
  youre doing ever so well nature and im so proud of you!
  like aliyah said u sometimes eat more some days than others i still get that feeling,but in a way youre making up for what you havent had.
  its a good thing cuz you could take advantage of it of getting better health.
  to be honest im so proud that youre gaining back youre weight in a healthier way than i did,i had hyperglycemia low blood sugar and it messed around with my head so i kept gorging even though i wasnt hungry and i dint know what i was doing until i came to breaking point and had a breakdown which is when the doctor told me that i had low sugar levels.
  so i gained weight too quickly.
  i feel terrible for it but i suppose it speeded up my recovery.
  good luck and dont worry youll get through this i know you will im still trying my hardest and hopefully i will too. xxD

• 447 Nature // Jun 7, 2009 at 7:44 am

  Aww, thanks girls. Your support means a lot to me.

  I am trying my best, but as everyone knows here, it is very hard to just even to try to recover!

  Aliyah, I have taken some time to get to this thinking stage, too. I know I’ve had my ED for a shorter time compared to you, but I lived an year of it denying it was a problem and another year knowing it was, but not knowing what to do about it. It does take a long time for anybody just to get to the point where they feel as if they want to get better, and even some more time to know that they want to get better! But you have come so far, girl! It’s amazing where you are at right now, . I hope I can get there, too.

  And Bex, of course you will get better. You are so determined, and you are putting a lot of effort into getting rid of this ED. You want to get better, and you are doing something about it. You’ve done an amazing job, and you have come a long way in such a short amount of time! Just keep fighting hun, I know you’ll get there, .

• 448 Aliyah // Jun 7, 2009 at 12:40 pm

  nature- aw ino it is a long ard journey. i was the same, for ages i knew there was a problem, and never did anything either for ayear or so. but u have come far, and everyone appreciates ur advice, and ur words. ur a great motivator, and u give thoughftful advice , and u will get to the recovered stage. just stay strong, and keep going. life is never easy, or fair.

  always here for u x

• 449 Nature // Jun 7, 2009 at 9:24 pm

  Thank you, Aliyah.

  *Sigh*, I really don’t think I can live like this or easily recover in this atmosphere in my house. I will for sure bring up the major issues I face at the next family therapy session. I will beat this.

  It’s just even more frustrating that my parents, as my boyfriend describes it, sees it as a “surface thing”. As in, if she eats, she’ll get better. It’s totally not like that. The way we interact with food is just the symptoms of the real problem. God, I felt like skipping dinner tonight, and I did skip until 9:30 PM, but by thinking of all the support you girls have given me and the support my boyfriend gave me tonight, I decided to eat.

  I believe we have fall-backs for a reason: to be determined even more for the next time.

  Keep fighting everyone. Lots of love to you all.

  Nature.

• 450 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2009 at 3:09 am

  Nature- welll done on having the dinner, that shows great courage and highlught how far u have come. u did not go back to an old coping mechanism, of skipping meals. deep down, u know it doesnt do anything. so if u skipped the meal, what wud have been different in ur family life? nothing. all u wud have had is a false sense of control, and that is not gna help in anything so congrats

  ino its hard in ur home, it used to be in mine, really it did, everyone has that view, ifthey eat more theyll be fine. but this is when u just need to shrug it off, they dont know what its like, and so u try ur best t ignore it, but make sure u talk about it in ur sessions and on t his and get ur feelings out. u shud maybe give ur parents a recovery book or sumthing to read, and let them see its more than just about food. i did that with my parents, both of them read up on it, and they understand its not just about food.

  keep fighting, u can still recover, u just need to find a diff way to channel ur fristrations and stresses

  x

• 451 Nature // Jun 8, 2009 at 8:11 am

  Thank you once again, Aliyah.

  It is hard; for anybody. That false sense of control kept on dominating us. Indeed, it doesn’t do anything at all. It makes it worse. Food is not really our problem. It’s just something we use to cope with negative aspects of our lives. Almost something like when a person chews on his/her pencil when nervous. If I’m going to take out my stress and such on something, I better take it out in a healthier manner such as going for a walk.

  As for the recovery books and such, it never worked, Aliyah. Before I was even put into the ED clinic, the doctor who referred me to the clinic asked them to go to the hospital’s library to take a video out on eating disorders. They did rent it out, but they never watched it. In my therapy sessions at a different place, my therapist gave out a whole list of books they could borrow to get more knowledge on eating disorders and how families play a role in recovery and such, but they never got even one of them! She also gave a booklet about depression (I had depression back then) and eating disorders, but they didn’t even read it. Those booklets are missing now since they took such good care of them… When I was in the ED clinic for the first time, they gave my father a basic information package on eating disorders and food. He only glanced at a few pages then reverted to reading a magazine, -____-. That package is missing now as well…

• 452 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2009 at 8:20 am

  nature- im sorry to hear that about ur parents, i wish they wud take moreinterest in it, it wud help u, but its out of ur control. u cant force them, so just forget it. u have support and help in other forms, so just remember u are not alone

  keep eating, and keep winning. ur doing this for u, not for ur parents.

  x

• 453 bex // Jun 8, 2009 at 8:23 am

  heya all,
  i was just wondering,me n my family have been talking and we all thought of something that were gunna ask my dietition.
  i wanted to ask you youre opinion,ive been in recovery for a while and have had various treatments,but i feel i have responded to the treatment as well kinda going through relapse ,the hospital agrees.
  what would you think of being an inpatient? the one where you go daily for coucelling and eat together etc.. (not the one were u bein force fed on drips)
  have any of you had that? if so does it help?
  just wonderin any advice will be appreciated
  thank you xxD

• 454 Aliyah // Jun 8, 2009 at 8:26 am

  bex-ive never had it, but i think it mite help if u feel u need extra support, and more confidence in eating with others, and talking, getting things off ur chest. counceling is always helpful, and eating with others is a mjor part of recovery which can be really hard after too, so yeah i mean it all sounds like a positive idea and a good thing to do.

  x

• 455 Nature // Jun 8, 2009 at 8:48 am

  Thanks for the help, Aliyah. Really appreciated. You make me see things in a positive light when my mind is muddled. So thank you.

  Bex, they have asked me to go into inpatient as well, and I might put my name on the waiting list for it. If not, I might put my name on the day patient, which is where you just go for the whole day, but come home at night. I’m wondering if they have the day patient program there if you’re concerned about not being with your family?

  It’s good that your family is so open about it, and they seem to genuinely support you even though it might frustrate you at times, . My parents don’t even want me to go into inpatient or day patient because I’ll be away from them. They just don’t understand. However, I’d think it will be a great opportunity and a learning experience for you. Being able to eat with others, having the support of all the people in the clinic, and learning how to eat regularly will definitely help you! It’s definitely something to consider about. Coming from me, I’d say give it a go!

• 456 Chelsea // Jun 8, 2009 at 9:17 am

  Hey everyone,

  I am in the recovery process (early stages) and started a blog to document my process, release my thoughts, and open up my voice. I want to welcome anyone who would find this page to be helpful to visit my blog at [URL="http://losinged.blogspot.com"][COLOR="Red"]losinged.blogspot.com[/COLOR][/URL]. I wish you all the best in your fight…stay strong and stay positive…you can do it.

  Chelsea’s last blog post..Boo Mondays

• 457 bex // Jun 9, 2009 at 1:34 pm

  today must have been the worst of all days,ive been so depressed for days i literally eat under 500 cals a day from the depression which made me even more depressed.
  it was almost like history repeating itself,i was all of a sudden terrified of food i just couldnt bear the thought of it and i wanted to lose all my weight again.
  today, i was sitting in my car with my head down unable to concentrate,see or smile and i had no energy and i tought to myself,this cant be right what went wrong,i feel so powerful and in controle but yet the reality is i feel so weak,and thats what it is,i mean im giving into a voice that doesnt even exist or care about me only to destroy me like it has before.
  and in a way im like a coward running away from my fears and not facing them cuz it will do no harm at the end of the day.
  i hope i will never fall that low again,there is always another path to take but its just the thought that gets me there.

• 458 Aliyah // Jun 9, 2009 at 2:16 pm

  bex-im sorry to hear u were feeling so down. eating under 500 calories is so dangerous and bad for u, and the less u eat the stronger the voice will get. next time u feel depressed u must not restrict no matter what, come on this and write to sumone and do not give in.
  r u bak to eating normally?
  what will u gain by restricting? nothing, and u said urself u feel weak and u know u are not in control. dont give in to that voice, and keep strong. in it can be really hard to, but keep in mind why u are getting better and keep motvated. ur not alone and u have support.

  u want a life with no ana at all, and this means u have to be stronger than it, and not give in. try to eat more and remember ur not a number ur a person, so dont restrict, ur body needs the fuel. thats the body u have for life. look after it well.

  x

• 459 Nature // Jun 9, 2009 at 2:51 pm

  I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a hard time, Bex.

  There will always be days when you feel as if you want to go back, but deep down inside, you know it is not what you want. It is what your ED wants.

  There is no sense in turning back now! You’ve already made the first step of realizing that you had a problem long ago, and you have made the effort to eat better and live a healthier lifestyle physically and emotionally. You have done a VERY good job. Don’t you forget that hun, because I’m VERY proud of you. You have not failed in anything!

  Like Aliyah have told us many times, the less we eat, the more disordered thoughts we get, which will make us more depressed. When I went grocery shopping today, I bought a wrap and a donut for lunch. I ate the donut, and felt like having another sweet so I went back. When I reached the bakery, a thought did cross my mind. “If you eat another, you’ll become fat.” But I went screw it, I’ve been eating all I want and when I want to for about a month now approximately, and I am doing damn fine. If I want something, I have every right to have it, and SO DO YOU. So I ate two sweets AND the wrap for lunch, and to be honest with you, it felt very good to satisfy my hunger!

  Sweety, it might be good to get counselling or get evaluated by a psychiatrist to see if you suffer from depression. They can offer therapy/counselling and coping methods to deal with the ups and downs of your mood in depression. Do you know why you’re depressed? It is very hard and tiring to go through the roller coaster of elevating and crashing moods, I know. I’ve been there, and it is not fun at all.

  We’re all here for you. Take care, okay?

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 460 Nature // Jun 9, 2009 at 6:28 pm

  Hey girls.

  I just have a question. I was wondering what you girls started to do once you ate properly and started to have enough energy. I mostly spend the majority of my time at home, and only attend one class in the morning. I am finally getting to the stage where I don’t have to nap anymore during the day!

  So, my question to you is, how did you regain your strength, muscles, flexibility and such back? When I was healthier, I would be biking to my school and back home, which would be about 4 miles a day. On top of that I had gym class, and I was attending school full time. I also did Dragon Boat twice a week, which is running about 4 miles a day, doing sit-ups and push-ups, and various other exercises. Later on in the season, it would be 4-5 times a week where the other days were water practices, and you would be paddling for approximately an hour and a half on a big canoe with the rest of the team. Now, I know that I can’t get back to doing that overnight and I’m wondering if I should even have a goal to get back to that stage since I did that while having an ED. I just want to get back to an “all right” level of fitness since now I can’t even bike a mile!

  I think what I did in the past is too much, but do you agree? Do you think it would be all right if I just biked to school and back + gym, but no Dragon Boat? And what types of exercises did you do to slowly get back to being fit/healthy?

• 461 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2009 at 3:53 am

  nature- firstly congrants on eating the two sweets at lunch and the wrap! u listened to ur body, and ignored ana. ur incredibly strong, and i hope ur proud of urself!
  as for ur exercise, it sounds like an awful awful lot, did u do it because u genuinally enjoy it, or was part of it control and ana related?
  me personally, i still dont do any exercise, but i dont enjoy it. the only exercise i do is, walking, when i need to but apart from that none. and i think u shudnly worry about getting back to exercise just yet, until u have ur periods and are at the ideal weight, and can maintain it. until that stage, just try to do as little as possible, see it as nurturing ur body and looking after it.
  if u want to do exercise before that, i wud just say some short walks maybe or yoga, but nothing more, ur body is still fragile, and u dont want t end up controlling exercise and start to lose weight.

  so for now, dont think about exercise, use the energy in other ways, socialising, building relations and being happy.
  right now, my life consists of sleeping, eating and socialising and thats it. i love it! last nite i had an indian takeaway and then later sat and ate loads of choccie, and i had a great long sleep.

  keep up the good work!

  xx

• 462 Chelsea // Jun 10, 2009 at 5:14 am

  I wanted to comment on this because I know that before seeking help and turning to recovery I exercised too much. However, it has always been a huge part of my life in school and with my family and I do thoroughly miss it. I don’t really miss going to the gym that much but I miss biking, jogging, playing tennis, etc. Really anything done outside. My treatment team has asked me to stop working out until I can get my weight and calories up to adequate levels to fuel exercise. I have not been exercising for almost a year now and have gotten pretty used to it but still struggle with it sometimes. I notice that I get very tense during the day, especially if I am seated for a long time and now that I no longer have the ability to relieve that tension in the form of running or biking I don’t know what to do with myself. Does anyone have any good suggestions on what to do to replace exercise? Or anything you have found to fill your time in the absence of exercise? I am looking for some new hobbies/interests to focus my attention away from working out and food.

  Thanks!
  Chelsea
  losinged.blogspot.com

  Chelsea’s last blog post..My Head is About to Explode

• 463 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2009 at 5:30 am

  chelsea- i used ot be obsessed with exercise, but i never truel enjoyed it. it was more of a forced activity to burn of calories.
  i think u shud try sumthing different, new, and break out of ur comfort zone maybe, in terms of hobbies. i mean u cud, maybe try yoga, its not too harsh on the body and cud help ur tension. apart from thay shud maybe do regular massaehes and make urself feel good about urself. shopping, spending time with frends are other things,and maybe going to concerts and gigs, joining a book club type thing. thats the kind of things i do, but i wish u all the best on recovery. it is the way foward dont let ur demon win, and never go back to obsessive exercise.

  x

• 464 bex // Jun 10, 2009 at 6:38 am

  heya thank you all!
  i really dont know why im acting like this,iget ups and down alot but ive always come through them.
  but this is the worst,i keep thinking ill feel better tomorrow because i usuall do,but i dont and its getting worse everyday.
  a HUGE fear of food come back to me and it gives me the wrong body image.
  i do of course like you said want to help this,i have been told by the doctor i suffer from depression like my dad does but hes on medication,all the doctor says he cant do anything n its up to my councellor but i never see him! hes nasty to me and he doesnt know anything im going through n when i ask to see someone else he refuses!
  i always feel like dying….
  im trying my best but theres only so much i can cope with on my own.
  i dont know whats brought it on but i cant cope im trying so hard.

  nature-like aliyah said if u only like doing these activities because of the ed its not worth it otherwise its fine but i havent quite got my energy bk as i used to,it does take quite some time,what u could do is only do one of those for a while and see how much you could cope with and gradually add some more for a bit longer that you could cope with but try not to stain yourself. good luck! xxD

• 465 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2009 at 7:21 am

  bex- its just part of recovery, u get times like that, and thats like ur test. thats when u cant give in and go back. next time u feel like it, u must stay strong, and not restrict. u no u wont gain any benefit from it.
  u shud relaly try to see ur counceler, for advice as much as he may be unhelpful, and if not u really shud fone up a helpline or sumthing. theres loads of support out there for u.
  positive thinking will push u past this phase, its part of recovery we have all been thru it . just think, tomorrows gna be good, tomorrow ur gna regain control, ur gna eat and ur gna do whatever ur doing, and feel happy. ur gna have a nice sleep, and relax.

  recovery is a long path, and ur getting there. just stick at it, like u said, u dont want to feel like this, so dont let urself.

  x

• 466 Nature // Jun 10, 2009 at 7:24 am

  Thank you, everyone!

  I think it’s both to be honest, Aliyah. I did like it, but part of it was to burn off calories, too. I like gym class a lot because we get to do different types of sports, and I have always biked all over the place in my younger years before the ED kicked in. I feel like an unfit slob because I used to be able to run a couple of miles without stopping and such, but now I can’t even do a mile! I think I’ll just research or something about how much exercise is not too much per week.

  And woowww, it’s so amazing you had an Indian takeaway! I wish I could do that, xD! I’ve never had Indian food besides a samosa, LOL. I should probably try it out some time.

• 467 Aliyah // Jun 10, 2009 at 7:27 am

  nature- yeah and thats why u need to be sooo careful because part of it was to burn cals. i think u shud focus on recovery, u may feel unfit, but u dont want to stress ur body out, just give it resting time.if u think about it, u havent got ur period yet, so until u get that, dont do anything too strong, very light stuff.

  and yeah indian food- the best u shud try it, get sum nice chicken or something

  all the best

• 468 Nature // Jun 10, 2009 at 7:45 am

  Bex, I’m so sorry to hear you’re not having a good day. I hope you’ll feel better soon !

  I don’t believe your doctor can’t do anything. He can help you. I am POSITIVE that he can refer you to another counsellor or even prescribe you medication if that is what you want. Helplines would be another good idea like Aliyah said. They are there for you 24/7, every day of the week, always. They can help you find counsellors, too.

  Try to keep positive. Maybe write down your thoughts as to why you’re feeling depressed. What caused it?

  I did this when I was getting counselling for my depression. I’ll put my examples in quotations.

  *Write down what your depressive thought is.* “I’m not going to recover or get better. I’m not worth it.”

  *Write down what proof you have of such a statement.*
  “The only proof that I have is that I still sometimes end up restricting my food or thinking negatively of myself.”

  *Would most people agree or not?*
  “People may say that I fall back at times, but I’m sure they believe that I can get better.”

  *Write down what you would say to a friend in a similar situation.*
  “Nobody can berate me as a person more than myself. It is unbelievable how cruel I was and can be to myself at times. I would never, ever say things I say to myself to others. If a friend of mine was in the same situation, I would tell him/her that they are beautiful, strong, that they will recover for sure, and that they deserve getting better because they are wonderful.”

  *What is a less extreme way of looking at the situation?*
  “I can’t expect myself to be perfect. It is only natural and normal to have slip backs and ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’. The most important thing is that I’m still trying.”

  *What will happen if I think this way? Is there another way of thinking that is more encouraging or useful?*
  The reason as to why I was stuck in such a hell hole before was because I thought ‘depressively,’ not because I was a ‘failure’ or a ‘bad person’. If I keep thinking this way, I will always be stuck in this hole. The only way for me to get better is to have faith in myself, have more self love, and to keep trying.”

  Oh wow, I’m so sorry it became long. I’m not sure if it’s going to help you, but it did work for me. Just clears your thoughts, and makes you think a bit more. You will get through this hun, keep fighting.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 469 Nature // Jun 10, 2009 at 7:52 am

  Thanks for the insight, Aliyah!

  I’ll just limit myself to casual walks once in a while since I have work on the weekends. Hopefully I’ll get my period soon, >.<.

• 470 fats0 // Jun 11, 2009 at 9:23 pm

  Hi. So i am 14 & i weigh 110 pounds about. I think I am really fat. I don’t realy eat (good) meals, I am never really hungry but my parents make me eat. My best friend is really skinny & i just found out she has a eating disorded. she told me she hasnt ate breakfast in forever or lunch. & she looks supper skinny to me, I wanna be just like her….. but im telling her to eat.

• 471 Aliyah // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:29 am

  hey, welcome to the site. its all about recovery and being positive here. and were all support and help u gt into that mindset firstly, i was 14 when i first got my ed, and it ruine dmy teenage years, because i damaged my body and didnt enjoy the normal teengae things like going out and stuff. u do not want that.
  ur not fat, what u see is a disordered perception, which is all in the mind, we are girls and we need to havea certain amount of body fat. u shudnt compare urself, to ur friend, everyone is different, and we ar not defined by numbers.
  u shud go to a doctor, and get into counceling, it will really help.
  there are too many side effects t not eating right, and really anorexia is slow suicide.
  being a healthy weight is not fat, its the right weight for ue height and age, and thats what u shud aim for.

  ur not hungry, but if u ate more, ull find that u become more hungry, itsjust that ur stomach has shrunk, and ur body will soon start to eat itself. eating 3 decent meals, and snacks is teh way to go, and i hope u decide to get better, u can escape all this negative thinking with hard work
  x

• 472 Nature // Jun 12, 2009 at 10:07 am

  Hi there! Don’t even call yourself that horrible name because you are NOT fat!

  I understand that at times when people tell you to start eating, it feels like they’re all your enemies, but we do this because we TRULY care about your well being.

  Life is horrible with an ED (eating disorder), and I pray that you will not go through this path. I wish that you will have happy years of adolescence, and that you won’t have to struggle with this.

  The only things an ED will give you is a disordered mind and a frail, sick body. Your hair falls out, your skin gets dry, fine hair grows all over your body, your periods stop, and your nails turn blue and can get white specks. Sexy, huh?

  You are telling your friend to eat because you know that it is the right thing to do! You have to eat well yourself, too. Everybody does! Happiness is so much more than body shape and weight… it’s how you feel inside, your enjoyments in life, and being with the people you love.

  Take good care.

• 473 bex // Jun 12, 2009 at 10:47 am

  hey guys,
  thanks for the support,i feel a bit beetter but still tryin to lose weight (sob)
  my parents went to the doctors n he said that im close to my period which is why im depressed and emotional.
  so he said i cant stress out or i wont get it,easier said than done!
  i hope i am maybe i feel better,though in some ways im a bit scared,i dont wanna gain weight n stuff…
  its kinda new for me like ive been waiting so long i cant remember what its like im scared!
  dont wanna sound horrible but i actually dont believe him cuz im sooo tensed and being harsh myself to lose weight it couldnt be unless im feeling like that because of it.
  only time will tell,but iv got chill out lol.

• 474 Nature // Jun 12, 2009 at 12:17 pm

  Hey Bex! It’s good to hear from you.

  Hun, you won’t get your period if you restrict your diet. You have to keep on eating well, and try to relax even though it is very difficult. Being tense is so awful. Also, periods aren’t really good indications of your well being because I know kids who got their periods even though they were severely underweight. I, too, have had my period pop out of nowhere when I weighed less than I am now, but in no means was I in good health. But the thing is, you HAVE to keep on eating and have enough fat content in your body or else you won’t keep on getting your period every month. It is VERY important to have it regularly or else your bone density will start decreasing, and that’s a risk of osteoporosis (easily breakable bones). Being underweight has other major health risks and concerns such as heart and organ failure. You know you don’t want that.

  There is nothing to gain from losing weight. You know each time you lose a pound, you won’t feel any happier. You’ll feel worse. You will be more emotional and such by not having enough food. You know happiness is more than just about your body shape and size.

  Keep fighting.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 475 Aliyah // Jun 12, 2009 at 12:24 pm

  bex- hey lovely. yeah ino how u feel, sumtime u feel anger towards the ppl who are tryin to help and advise u, i certainly used to. but one thing is clear, u r scared and thats normal, its normal in recovery and its not nice to feel out of control. but just remember what ur doing this for,and restrcting is just gna lead to long term effects, that will become ireversable, and u dont want that. its not nice at all, and u will regret it, instead u must be reallly strong and eat well. even if ur eating not enuff, or not properly, u can still get a period, i remember in a bulimia stage that happened to me, and emotions are all over the place, it is not nice at all. the only way to overcome it, is to see thru the surface and eat well. uno that is the path to health and wellbeing, and u are going to benefit in the future, even thogh it may not feel like it.
  ur thoughts will get more andmore negative, if u dont feel good abour urself, time to be psoitive bex, uve beeen doing really good so far, and uve been postive alot. it will take u far
  x

• 476 bex // Jun 13, 2009 at 1:40 pm

  hi,
  i feel really terrible cuz i had a take away last night which i dont mind but what im upset about is ive eaten all the leftovers today,i feel really awful i wasnt hungry and i had that yesturday so that twice in a row! im going to wake up a stone heavier!!! ill never burn all those calories uurrggghhhh!! im so angry wiv myself
  pleasse tell me im not goin to gain weight n if i am please be honest!

• 477 Aliyah // Jun 13, 2009 at 2:02 pm

  bex- dont worry , ur here to regain weight and i doubt its gna make any difference to ur weight, a lot of food has to be eaten to gain just one pound so dont worry . ur not here to burn calories, and u wont put on a stone. its just an ana thought, we all have had it, and honestly, in relaity u wnt put that one, because its normal, our bodies can handle it, and especially urs as its recovering.
  dont feel bad, because its done, and ur body clearly needed it, so applaud urself

  xxx

• 478 bex // Jun 13, 2009 at 2:28 pm

  ok,im sorry it was just the shock at first ill just try and relax and sleep it off with a good night sleep i guess i must have needed it.
  thank you

• 479 Nature // Jun 14, 2009 at 12:25 am

  Bex, hunny, everybody eats their leftovers from restaurants and whatnot the next day. I’ve been eating tonnes of cookies and sweets and whatnot for like two weeks now, and I’m finally starting to feel okay about it.

  You know that happiness is so much more than weight and food.. You won’t gain weight, and you won’t become fat. Don’t worry, hun. I know it’s easier said than done, but really, you will not be fat. You have to keep on eating well, or else you will never be truly happy. You deserve to live a life free from an ED. You are strong, beautiful, and you will overcome this struggle.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 480 Aliyah // Jun 14, 2009 at 3:34 am

  bex- listen to nature, everything she says is so true. u wont get fat, and it is normal to eat leftovers. u clearly like the taste, so why deprive urself. try to look at it from a positive view- u nourished ur body, u gave it what it wanted, now move on. dont let that effect ur eating, dont restrict, pretend ur food is ur medicine, and make sure u eat lots.
  lots of food, to regain ur life back, its not about number, u want ut metabolism to work effectively, and that takes a varitey of food, and u must eat regulary. and if u fancy sumthing, even when ur not hungry, u shud eat, because life is too short. so if u one day feel like a certain bar of chcolate – have it! dont let ana control u
  nature- hope everything is going ok! keep up the good work x
  xx

• 481 bex // Jun 14, 2009 at 4:23 am

  thanks for the help i feel much better now,
  omg i cant believe it ive just read a true story wiv pics and everything, about a girl who waz ana and mia and it was so gruesome and heartbreaking it made me cry,she died but it was so dramatic i cant get it out my head i feel so upset i cant imagine dying that way….
  i wont let myself theres know way im doing that to myself knowone deserves that.
  im going to love and spoil my body cuz its unique and its the only one ill get for a lifetime.

• 482 Aliyah // Jun 14, 2009 at 4:31 am

  bex- good for u! its true u will spoil ur body and have long term effects if u dont look after and feed ut body well now. when u feel down, and upset or scared, think of that true story u read, and think, its better to be healthy and happy, than close to death and ill an dmiserable. u dont deserve that! xx

• 483 Nature // Jun 14, 2009 at 10:11 am

  Bex, hunny, like Aliyah said, all you did was nourish your body, and eat what you felt like! That’s very good! You should be so happy that your body is starting to give out cues and whatnot and telling you what it wants! That’s a big crucial part of normal eating! Just keep up the good work, and you’ll overcome this in no time, .

  Aliyah, I am doing quite well these days. I’m eating food whenever I’m hungry or feel like it, and I can finally now have the snacks and three meals without feeling so bloated! Yay! I’m just waiting for some signs of recovery… this is indeed taking a long time, >.<. I am still waiting for my period. I don’t want to lose bone mass because of not having it, :/, and I want to be able to have kids. But otherwise, everything is pretty good! Thanks so much for being a big support here!

• 484 bex // Jun 14, 2009 at 11:23 am

  aliyah-
  is it okay if i ask how far in recovery you are or if ur fully recovered.
  sorry i sometimes need some security.
  cuz it must feel like the best thing in the world to have what u like and not worry about it,and also no exercising until your completely fatigued.
  like i said im ok one minute and the next a completely different story,its all about recovery,i just hope one day ill have a life with no more downs because of my ed,i hope to put it completely behind me so much that i can hardley remember that i went through so much and my life to the full once more.
  like nature said,thank you for being a grat role model and support.

• 485 bex // Jun 14, 2009 at 11:23 am

  aliyah-
  is it okay if i ask how far in recovery you are or if ur fully recovered.
  sorry i sometimes need some security.
  cuz it must feel like the best thing in the world to have what u like and not worry about it,and also no exercising until your completely fatigued.
  like i said im ok one minute and the next a completely different story,its all about recovery,i just hope one day ill have a life with no more downs because of my ed,i hope to put it completely behind me so much that i can hardley remember that i went through so much and my life to the full once more.
  like nature said,thank you for being a grat role model and support. xxD

• 486 Nature // Jun 14, 2009 at 11:49 am

  Hey Bex.

  Although I cannot answer those questions for you since I’m not Aliyah, LOL, I can definitely say that you will get through this because you are so determined and you truly want to get better.

  Every day you’re working hard to beat this, and every day you are wanting the ED to be over. You put a lot of effort, and you have so much commitment to recovery. I am 110% positive that you will overcome this. I, too, worry that the voices will come howling back at me, but each day, those fears get less and less.

  Just keep fighting hun, you’ll get there.

• 487 bex // Jun 14, 2009 at 12:06 pm

  thnx im currently sucking on a milk choco teddy lolly from thorntons mmm…

• 488 Nature // Jun 14, 2009 at 12:35 pm

  Hehe, I woke up at an odd time (9:40) today so I had a brunch like combined meal, and I just had a toasted bread spread with peanut butter for a snack, .

• 489 bex // Jun 14, 2009 at 12:55 pm

  lol sounds tasty!
  im just playing a record over and over in my head saying knowone cares if im fat or get fat.
  so my family says to me all the time.
  there bugging me to got 2 a size 10 now!
  not happening
  im at the size i need to be now
  if i do what they want thyll want me change somethin else like my hair etc… they did last time.
  oh well…lol

• 490 Aliyah // Jun 14, 2009 at 1:19 pm

  bex- im pretty much recovered in terms of cognition, i dont think im fat, i dnt feel the need to exercise, and stuff and i can eat what i like and feel compfrtable with myself.
  in terms of health, im still waiting for my periods and stuff.
  and hun, recovery has many ups and down, it always does. i was like u, battling anorexia, then bulimia, then anorexia, and it was such an emotional journey, but i go thru it, it may have taken a longgg time, but in the end its worth it. and like nature said u can do it, and u will.
  u really shud not exercise, u need to learn when u start to panic, like say for example, if u eat extra at lunch, u may feel u need to exercise and burn it off. and thats when u cant give in.
  and no one does carewhat size u are, honestly. a certain level of paranoi is there in recovery. i used to feel everyones watching me, and starin at how i look, but really theyre not, everyone has aglance at everyone else, thats normal. it doesnt mean theyre judgingu. and to be honest theyre nt gna thnk ur fat, because what u see is a false image, and it truely is. lots of research has found that, anorexics overestimate their body shape and size, and they do so even after recvery for a while, because it takes a long time to recover.

  eat well am djust be free. u will start to have more ups than downs, and u will feel better about urself.

  nature- glad to hear ur doing well! im sure ull see signs of recovery soon, just give it time itll be worth it.

  x

• 491 Nature // Jun 14, 2009 at 9:52 pm

  Thanks Aliyah, .

  I try my best to keep eating, and I’m feeling really great about how things are going. Sure, I wish I could change some things like my parents, but I know I can’t control it, and if it means I can’t control it, it’s not my responsibility. Therefore, I should not worry about it or let it affect me negatively, which is everything you have told me before when my mind was too muddled, .

  Tomorrow I’ll be going to the clinic again, and my parents will get family therapy. I’ll see how things go with eating and all that. I’ll get to see my nutritionist, so that’s good. I hope they can tell me what I should do about getting my period back. I’m just really concerned about that aspect since I really want to have kids when I’m older, lolll.

  Anyway, thanks a bunch for helping everybody here!

• 492 Aliyah // Jun 15, 2009 at 3:28 am

  nature- awwwww thats so good to hear! yeah of course we cant control a lot of things in life, and u cant control it thr food, so theres no point
  good luck at the clinic, let us know how it goes, and im sure ur period will come back. just give ur body time to recover, if u think of all the damage done to it, its no wonder, its gna take a wee while.

  xxxx

• 493 bex // Jun 15, 2009 at 6:43 am

  hello everyone!
  hope it goes well at the clinic nature,like aliyah says a likkle while to go since it the last thing in ur body to recover.
  alot of time and patience will bring it on nicely.
  good luck! xxD

• 494 Nature // Jun 15, 2009 at 9:44 am

  Thanks everyone!

  I’ll definitely for sure tell you how it goes. I have my appointment five hours from now, so I still have some time, hehe. I remember months ago I dreaded getting weighed, so I wouldn’t even eat anything until my appointment. How bad is that for my health, eh? LOL. Now I practically don’t care, and have a “it’s just some weight” attitude, I can’t believe myself! I already had some breakfast, and for sure I’ll have all of my other meals, .

  How are you all doing by the way? Bex, I hope you’re feeling better, hun. And Aliyah, I hope life is not too busy for you, .

• 495 bex // Jun 15, 2009 at 10:03 am

  im fine thank you!
  its really weird im craving for lots of chocolate or sweet stuff its great!
  had choc lolly yesturday and a chocolate covered ice cream today n im still hungry lol!

• 496 Nature // Jun 15, 2009 at 10:52 am

  Hey Bex!

  Don’t you worry about it, I craved for lots of sweet stuff, too, when I first started to eat more even though I have a junky piece of food each day now, . It’s the body’s natural way of saying, “I need energy!” because those sweets first of all taste good, and second of all, it has lots of energy in a small amount. Your body needs it, and you’re letting it have it so good job, . Just keep satisfying your body, .

• 497 Aliyah // Jun 15, 2009 at 1:07 pm

  nature- im goo dthanks very much nah not busy really, just tryin to keeep myself occupied . went to see my frends new flat today and stuff. its so nice, it makes me realise that , what i really want is to be independant and live a life with friends and food and studying. i dont want to be sad and scarily thin, obsessed with food!
  way to go for you u have come so far, and just keep eating, and dont be scared of no weigh in. ur not a numberrrrr

  bex- i crave sweet things a lot too! just today, on the way home, i craves ice cream, and i went to mcdonalds and bought two mcflurrys! and i ate them, and i feel nice and satisfied now

  xx

• 498 Nature // Jun 15, 2009 at 4:37 pm

  Hey guys! I’m back from my appointment, hehe.

  Everything is good, nutritionist is happy with how I’m eating, and she says that I should stick to what I’m doing right now since I’m eating really well, yay! Right now liquid is the main problem, and I need to drink more. It’s still a bit hard, but I do try. I love this fruit smoothie I found, and it’s so good for you with lots of vitamins and such, . I’m just waiting for my period to come back, lololol.

  I just had a donut with chocolate icing and custard cream inside. ‘Tis sooooooo good, LOL. And I’m definitely buying more fruits and stuff, since there’s practically nothing here, xD.

  I hope you’re all enjoying your summer, ^^.

• 499 Aliyah // Jun 16, 2009 at 4:00 am

  nature- heyyy!! glad everything went well. liquid is hard i agree, but just like ur body is getting used to eating more, it will get used to more liquid. just slowlt and gradually try to increase it. the bodys an amazing thing
  that donut sounds so yummmy!
  how was the family meeeting?
  xx

• 500 Nature // Jun 16, 2009 at 9:32 am

  Hey Aliyah!

  I have no idea how the family meeting went since they had my parents in for therapy while I was seeing my doctor and nutritionist. I suppose it was all right for them since they didn’t seem too edged over or fussed up, ha.

  And yep, I’ll definitely try to increase my fluids. It’s hard, but I’m sure I’ll get there eventually, xD. Thanks for the advice though, .

  Take care everyone!

• 501 shiran // Jun 16, 2009 at 9:36 am

  hi everyone!

  i am 19 and been struggling with anorexia for 4 years now.
  i have been hospitalized many times but keep on having relapses i am really fed up of this eating disorder life and wanna so badly get better. i have changed therapist so many times but non seem to b helpful. my hair gets thinner and i cant stop it from falling- that makes me so depressed.
  i as wel started taking zoloft and it bothers my sleep, is anyone on it that has any side affects of weight gain?

  thanks 2 u all

  have a good one!!

  shiran

• 502 Nature // Jun 16, 2009 at 11:09 am

  Hi Shiran! Welcome to this site, . We all encourage recovery, and I’m sure you’ll find everybody to be very lovely and supportive here!

  First of all, a big congratulations to you for taking the first step: wanting to get better! You will overcome this for sure since you truly do want to get better.

  I can empathize with you about the medication you’re taking because I too, once took antidepressants for a while although it was Prozac. I have heard that some side effects people get are weight gain and/or a decrease/increase in appetite, I believe. It also does disturb sleep. If it bothers you very much, you can always ask for a different type of medication from your doctor.

  Do you know why your therapists aren’t helping? Do they make you feel worse? Do they seem as if they don’t understand? It also depends on the communication. It can be very difficult for them to help you if you don’t share with them your struggles and what you’re going through.

  You may already know this, but your hair is falling out because you’re restricting your diet. As you could have found out by now, there is nothing to gain from an ED. It takes everything away, and you don’t want to live a life like this. You are a very beautiful and unique individual who deserves so much more. You don’t deserve an ED at all. You are not a number on the scale, hun.

  I am very positive that you will succeed in your recovery. I wish you the very best.

  Nature.

• 503 Aliyah // Jun 16, 2009 at 11:49 am

  shiran- ino how awful it can feel having an ed. i had anorexia and bulimia for about 6 years now. im finally at a better place and so much healthier. at the end of the day, when u want to truelt get better u will. a therapist can help u, but uhave to want the help and be honest. it is possible to recover and have a life where u dont worry about food and calories and its much better to be there.
  u have to fight hard, and beat the demons.ive never been on zoloft, but like nature said if its really unpleasant u shud go back to ur doc and get a different one.

  xx

• 504 bex // Jun 16, 2009 at 12:06 pm

  hi shiran!
  im bex,congratulations on taking the step and courage for help with recovery!
  sorry to hear about ur councelor.
  my therapist doesnt do any good either hes always shouting at me.
  also with a restricted diet everything starts to fall apart as you may have noticed.
  my hairs was vey thin and fragile and my skin was tearing etc..
  but in my recovery everything got alot better externally and especially internally and your body will shine through and thank you.
  gaining weight isnt as bad as we think in fact i love my body even better! i look more like a woman.
  of course i still get quite alot of ups and downs like a rollacoaster and theres alot of times i think i want to go back to the way i was.
  but recovery is a very slow progress which takes alot of determination.
  if you think you will recover,you will,im 100%sure you will get through this.
  your not a number your a special unique person and youll only have one life and body and the only person who can really love and care for it is you.

  congrats on the courage of talking to people on this site they are lovely wonderful people and will help you get through this.
  keep fightin sweetie,i know youll beat this.
  best whishes! xxD

• 505 Chelsea // Jun 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm

  hey everyone…i have been doing great in recovery the past few weeks but i know i am hitting a wall right now in pushing myself anymore. this has happened before in the process and is usually when i start to freak out and start restricting again. i don’t want to restrict this time too…i want to keep pushing forward. my problem is not seeing the number on the scale increase (i am not sure if it actually has or not) but my problem is how my body feels. i constantly feel like my stomach is protruding or getting all flabby and that is when i get paranoid and worry about gaining weight. i think this also has a lot to do with the fact that i am not allowed to exercise right now so i think that all of my weight i gain is going to be put on as pure fat. what do you guys have to say on any of this? how can i keep pushing past my fears?

  Chelsea’s last blog post..Good Weather Brings Good Morale

• 506 Aliyah // Jun 16, 2009 at 12:32 pm

  chealsea-ino how u feel, and it snot nice. thru recovery during regain i felt horrible and fat, but honestly in truth i wa snot fat, we all have the same thoughts, and its not true. u must push past it, and just eat, because its not a fat stomach, its more a bloated, stomach. ur not gaining weight, ur REgaining back old weight. u can push thru this, by not giving into ana and u will see 100% gurantteed in the near future, u will see that ur not fat. in order to have a healthy perception of ur body, ur mind has to have nutrients. if u restrict, u will never get better, this is a hard emotinal time. i wud say write down all ur anxities and worries, and then next to it, write sumthing positive, so for example -’ i am scared the number is going up on the scale’ write instead-’ im only regaining weight back, i want to look healthy , im getting to a healthy weight’

  your not a number, ur a person. u can fight thru this, i did it, u can too. what are ur motivations in life? what do u look foward to when ur healthy? think hard about that when u feel down. and remember scales are for fish, ur not a number. recovering anorexics need a hell of a lot of food, and most of it, is going to repair the damage we did to our body.

  enjoy the food, and stay strong . wer all here for u, do not restrict

  xx

• 507 Nature // Jun 16, 2009 at 3:45 pm

  Hey Chelsea.

  You may feel flabby and think that the weight is going to your tummy, and to be really honest with you, it more than likely is. The reason to this is that when you first regain your weight back, the body naturally puts it around your stomach because that is where most of your organs are, and your body wants to protect them. I have been told so by my clinic, and it’s happening to me, too! You just have to give it some time, hun, and it will all redistribute so don’t you worry! Just keep eating well like Aliyah said, and you will for sure get through this.

  Bex, I’m filled with happiness reading your post! You truly have come a far way, and you seem soooo much happier. Good for you, sweety, . I am sure that you’re enjoying every day even more as you get farther and farther away from the awful ED! Keep up the good effort, and you’ll recover in no time, .

• 508 shiran // Jun 17, 2009 at 7:54 am

  hi everyone!
  firstly thanks all of u for answering me it really makes me feel there are ppl out there that understand me.
  i was wandering if once one gets out of the ed if thats it they will never think about food or care about weight? it gets me kinda scared to think that one day i might totaly stop caring about weight and then i will get fat- i am very scared of being fat.

  by the way my manager from my office were i work gave me a book he said will be very helpful for any struggle anyone will have, not only ed but everything. i read it and wow did it help me i really enjoyed it and i recommend u all to read it, the name of the book is: “A MANS SEARCH FOR MEANING” its an awsome book about surviving and struggling. actually the author was a therapist.
  if any of u reads it i would love to know what u think about it.

  k so keep on getting better and healthyer
  we are all in the same battle

  shiran

• 509 Aliyah // Jun 17, 2009 at 8:13 am

  shiran- recovery can take years and years for some people. at the end ull have a healthy relationship with food, so u wont care obsessively, u will jjust be aware of what ur eating, and maintianing the weight that is healthy for you. dont be scared, u just have to REgain, back the weight u lost then maintain it. the body works best at a healthy weight, and thats where its important to be.

  u will get there
  x

• 510 Nature // Jun 17, 2009 at 3:33 pm

  Hey Shiran!

  I’ll google up that book, hehe. Seems interesting.

  And everybody is afraid of getting fat after they’ve had an ED. It’s all part of the recovery process. I finally reached my target weight, and I keep on going, “what if I keep gaining?” but you know what, why go back now? After you’ve just reached that goal? Why go back to restricting if it’s going to rob you of everything again? It’s just so awful to get back into the ED. Why not just stick with what I’m doing right now, and let my body decide the way it wants to go?

  Yes, I am scared of the possibility of keep on gaining, but it’s not like I’m obsessively eating every hour of the day. I’m finally getting hunger cues at the right time, and I eat a normal amount. According to my clinics and such, the weight will stabilize, and the body will keep your weight at your natural healthy range. So I won’t worry too much about it, and I’ll definitely keep eating because I know there is nothing to gain from restriction. But you know what? Those fears get less and less each day. I am more of an accepting person of myself now, and you too, will have those fears gone as you keep on going the recovery path.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 511 Nature // Jul 22, 2009 at 12:20 am

  Oh my gosh!!!

  It has been a month about now, and it is finally WORKING, LOL.

  How have you all been?! I’m doing terrific nowadays, my weight has stabled, and I’m eating pretty well so go me!

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 512 Amy // Jul 22, 2009 at 8:16 am

  Hello.. im new to this. Im finding it hard to recover. Does anyone else have this problem- since I have started eating a lot more , all the fat is going to my stomach:( Will I always now have a fat stomach and skinny arms and legs. Its realy uncomfortable and I hve no confidence anymore at all:(

• 513 isabella mori // Jul 22, 2009 at 8:34 am

  hello … welcome back! this is isabella, the blog owner. i am VERY sorry about the problems that happened with this blog. we are about 90% fixed and i hope you won’t notice any obvious problems anymore. but please be prepared for a bit of wonkiness in the next week or so.

  good to see you back, nature, thanks for your patience, and i’m happy to see that you’re doing well!

  hi amy, and welcome. recovery is really hard work, please keep at it!

  when you fiorst start eating normally, all kinds of strange things can happen. it’s like moving from the north pole to hawaii – a big change, and your body works hard to adjust to it. but just like the move from the north pole to hawaii, it’s a good change! it’s possible that the “fat” stomach comes from bloating, which is again a result of your digestion adjusting to the gift of all the wonderful food you are now giving yourself.

  as i said, recovery is a tough job – and you are doing it! that could be a source of confidence, huh? (or “ey?” as we say here in canada

• 514 Nature // Jul 22, 2009 at 1:42 pm

  Amy, welcome to the group!

  It seems a bit empty right now, but all the lovely people here will come back once they know this blog is running again!

  So thank you Isabella for providing us this space, .

  Amy, I am also a recovering anorexic, and my weight has FINALLY just stabilized. I go to an eating disorder clinic, and they told me that once you do start gaining weight, it will go to your tummy because that’s where most of your body organs are. The body does this because it wants to protect them. Within time, it will distribute.

  It is really awkward at first.. I feel for you. Skinny arms + legs and an out of proportion upper body, but trust me, it WILL level out. It takes a few months, so you do have to be patient. It took like two months for me, haha. But you know what? It’s worth it. You don’t want to live every day cold, sick, and frail. You don’t want to have negative thoughts and emotions streaming through your head. You are an unique individual who deserves so much more. You’re beautiful, and as we all say here, you are more than just a number.

  Take care, all right?

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 515 Amy // Jul 23, 2009 at 9:09 am

  Hey Nature,
  Thanks for replying. Yea it is really uncomfortable and im very conscious of my stomach but thanks now I know it will redistribute.Its good to know this happens everyone who is recovering. I thought it was only me. Thanks u have helped me a lot.:)

• 516 blogathon 2009 // Jul 25, 2009 at 5:28 pm

  [...] anorexia talk – for people recovering from anorexia (2) [...]

• 517 Nature // Jul 25, 2009 at 11:58 pm

  You’re most welcome, Amy.

  If you ever need anything, message us here, okay? Somebody will answer you for sure.

  Lots of love, and take care.

  Nature.

• 518 aliyah // Jul 26, 2009 at 9:13 am

  amy- welcome to the site, wer all here to help you.
  im aliyah, i had anorexia and bulimia for 6 years and now im recovering and ive regained weight and ifeel good about myself, and believe me i know how hard it is, and how horrible it can feel at times.

  i want to say first well done, for gettin where u are and deciding to get better, its the best thing u will do. remember ur not gaining weight at all, ur regaining what u lost and with that u regain back ur life.
  most weight at first goes back to the stomach and waist and thighs, and then after about 6 months or so, it will distribute round ur body. it takes time, because ur body has to trust u agen, as u start to eat ur body thinks i must put this in the places the body needs it most in case u starve urself agen.
  so please keep eating at least 3 meals and 2 snacks and focus on the good things that are going to come out of eating well

  believe me, u will not regret it ur doing great so far so keep it up

  xx

• 519 aliyah // Jul 26, 2009 at 9:14 am

  nature- hey! long time no speak, hw have u been doing? good i hope

  im good, on holiday in america just now, been eating out loads but i feel good and im enjoying myself

  im so glad the sites back! i missed it, speak soon, keep winning!

  xxx

• 520 isabella mori // Jul 26, 2009 at 11:48 am

  it’s sooo great to have you all back! welcome aliyah! i’ve been missing your strong voice …

• 521 Amy // Jul 26, 2009 at 2:19 pm

  Hey Aliyah. Thank you so much. You are all so nice here. This website really helps. Yea it is realy tough but I know I need to regain because I have osteoporosis:( I really need to get my period back. Does anyone else have osteoporosis?I was realy down about it for a wile because the doctor was quite mean about it. He said I would probably have a fracture in the next year and that I don’t eat. Yet I am in recovery and he didn’t believe me. He really got me down.He also said I could do any of my exams yet I did them and passed! So things are possible.My eating disorder therapist wasn’t too pleased with him.However now im trying to look on the brightside because by regaining weight I will prevent my osteoporosis getting worse.

• 522 Amy // Jul 26, 2009 at 2:20 pm

  *couldn’t do any.

  Oops sory about the mistake!

• 523 aliyah // Jul 26, 2009 at 2:38 pm

  amy- yeah everyones really friendly on this site, and wel’l all help you stay and keep positive. u shud ignore ur doctor, saying u cant achieve things. of course u can, where theres a will theres a way, but you must also take into account what he says. u must get better so you dont get ill and ur osteorporosis doesnt get worse. i dont have it, but my gran did and i saw how weak it made her. its horrible, so eat and get healthy . healthy and happy is the way to be.

  if u dont mind me asking, how old ru? where do u stay? do u get counceling?

  isabella- thanks ur so sweet! thanks for getting the forum up and running again .. xx

• 524 Amy // Jul 26, 2009 at 2:41 pm

  Ive just turned 20. I stay at home.I live in Ireland. They were going to send me to a hospital in England but im doing good in recovery so they didn’t make me:) What age are you? Thanks for your help.Yea im glad I found this website.

• 525 Amy // Jul 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm

  Sorry yes I get counseling twice a week.

• 526 aliyah // Jul 26, 2009 at 3:38 pm

  - oo ireland, where abouts? i live in scotland- in glasgow.
  im 19 now, finally got sick of eating disorders and decided to get better. got counceling and a clinical psychologist plus a nutrionaist. dnt get anything now though, feeling a lottt better

  how long did u have ur eating disorder for? was it just anorexia?

  and yeah, its gd u never had to go to hospital, ur well on ur way to being revoered and living a life without anorexia

  xx

• 527 Amy // Jul 26, 2009 at 3:44 pm

  Northern Ireland Co Tyrone. O kul! Aw thats great:)Im so happy for you. I have had it for 2 years. Well I had it all last year and then I binged and felt so bad and my anorexia then got worse.Now I am recovering but its so hard because its all going on my stomach and I really want to exercise but I can’t.I am seeing a dietician next week.Do u think about food a lot? I find myself thinking about food a lot. Its so weird.I find myself starting to eat too much again but then I tell myself I have to put weight on anyway but I feel so guilty.

• 528 aliyah // Jul 26, 2009 at 3:48 pm

  yeah recovery is really hard, u just have to learn to trust ur body when ur hungry eat, dont listen to the voice.
  just tel urself anorexia is slow suicide, and girls need to have some fat on them, its nature.
  ur weight will distribute, we all had the same thoughts, just give ur body some time.
  yeah i sumtimes think of food a lot, but it gets better with time, and after a while u wnt think of food as much, which feels good.
  just try to keep busy, do non food related things and dont exercise as hard as it is, ull damage ur body by doing it.

  just remember ur just regaining back weight and in the end its all gna be worth it. stay strong xxx

• 529 aliyah // Jul 26, 2009 at 3:49 pm

  oh and when u eat a lot its ok, its part of recovery because ur body is making up for everything it was deprived of, so when u feel like a little binge or whatever just give into it and dnt be scared
  x

• 530 Amy // Jul 26, 2009 at 3:55 pm

  Thank you Aliyah:) xox

• 531 shiranm // Jul 26, 2009 at 6:10 pm

  hi everyone!

  its gr8 to have this site working again. i m actually doing good, i have started theropy with a gr8 theropist that has written many books about eating dissorders and i fel he realy is helping me.

  i aswell started reading biiks about ed and feal much better.

  hope all of u r also getting better each day

  good luck!!!

  shiran

  p.s. names of good books: starving to live, anatomy of anorexia, treating and overcoming anorexia, the best little girl in the world, kessa.

• 532 aliyah // Jul 27, 2009 at 8:39 am

  shiram- hey thanks for the names of the books! keep well and stay strong, you have it within u , the power and motovation to fully recover!

  xx

• 533 Nature // Jul 27, 2009 at 9:26 am

  Thank god everybody came back. I was afraid I’d be alone here forever, LOL.

  It’s great to hear that everyone is taking a *positive* step forward in recovery. You guys all seem so much happier, .

  Amy, you are 100% capable of doing anything you want to in this world. Don’t let somebody else talk you out of it. You have it in you to succeed. I know you do. Keep strong, and by overcoming this disease, you’ll be free to shine through in this world.

  I’ve been doing well, too. I don’t count anymore, I eat whenever I’m hungry, and my weight has finally stabilized so woohoo. I still kind of find it difficult to get all my milk products in, though. I do try to buy cheese sticks for snacks and have milk during lunch, but it’s still kind of hard. Still waiting for my periods, too. Folks at the ED clinic said because I just got into my healthy range a while back, it will still take some time, :/. Oh well, at least it’s coming… I think… lol..

  Anyway, it’s great to hear from you all. Take care and keep winning.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 534 bex // Jul 27, 2009 at 12:28 pm

  hey!
  its great this sites workin again
  its been such a long time loads of different things have happend.
  im doing okish at the moment not much different still battelling.
  i got my period back!!!!!!
  for a day.
  not seen it since
  though at the moment i keep getting told of by the hospital cuz every month i keep going i lose more weight.
  im not trying to iv stuck to the dietitions plan but i keep losing i actually dont know why.
  im trying my best but hes going to do something next time so im gonna have to push even harder.

  anyway,its great! to hear from u all again and i hope youre all doing great and keeping up the good work!

• 535 aliyah // Jul 27, 2009 at 2:24 pm

  bex- hey! nice to hear from you agen, soo happy u got ur period, its such a gd sign, hopefully itll come regulary and for longer

  just try to eat more food, make sure u dnt restrict at all, dnt deprive urself and give into cravings, and im sure u will regain weight.

  xxxx

• 536 Nature // Jul 27, 2009 at 10:12 pm

  Keep on eating, Bex. Losing weight won’t help you with your period in the long run. I know it’s hard, but pay attention to how much your parents or friends eat. Even though you may be following to the meal plan, you might not be eating enough. That was a big problem for me. Keep on fighting hun, I know you can do it.

  As for me, I kinda had those moments of feeling guilty about what I ate today (I went to sleep over at my friend’s house – still here today- and we ate a lot of junk food + drank pop). However, I’m going to let it go. I didn’t even have much lunch + dinner because I had to get to her house and such, so the junk made up for it, haha. I don’t feel too awful anyway, so I’m going to enjoy the time I spend with my best girlfriend, ^^.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 537 Amy // Jul 28, 2009 at 7:14 am

  Hey Nature,
  You shouldn’t feel guilty about eating because you have to regain weight:) That is what I keep telling myself anytime I feel guilty.Glad you hd fun at your friends house:) Bex-ur so lucky to have ur period back!So happy for you.I wish mine would come back. I had a counseling session today and I gained 3kg in 2 weeks:| I was a bit shocked at this but now im thinking its good because the closer I get to a healthy Bmi the more likely Il get my period back. Ive went from a bmi of 14.7 to 18 now in 4 months:)Is 18 a healthy bmi or is it 20? I still feel fat though. Its all on my stomach. I just wish it would redistribute:(

• 538 aliyah // Jul 28, 2009 at 10:01 am

  nature- just like amy said, its important to have a healthy bmi and you shouldnt feel guilty at all:) u have no reason to be! everyone has junk, and everyone has days and times they eat a lot mre of it , like me for example. im on holiday juts now and ive had so much junk and i really dnt care! everyone else can so you deserve it

  amy, 20 is a healthy bmi not 18, and u shud aim for 20, 20-25 is where ur body works best and that is healthiest for a person. ur weight will distribute in time, just think , what u put ur body thru, its just making sure its looking after the areas that need it most.
  it will get better and easier dont worry, just focus on the positive

  xx

• 539 Nature // Jul 28, 2009 at 10:43 am

  Thank you guys. I didn’t freak over it too much, and I don’t have to gain any more weight.. just need to maintain it. It’s just difficult for me to get all the calories and nutrients with just food + drinks alone. Vitamins and calcium are a big problem for me, and I somehow should eat an adequate amount of food with those minerals and vitamins in. I shouldn’t be having to take supplements every day, LOL.

  Amy, don’t worry too much about the weight gain. I gained weight quite quickly once I started gaining, too. It feels really scary, but trust me, it will balance out just as long as you keep eating healthily. You’re almost there to a good, healthy body. Don’t turn back now. We’re here for you.

  Lots of love, and take care every one,

  Nature.

• 540 isabella mori // Jul 28, 2009 at 12:54 pm

  hey beautiful people! i have a question – how do you talk about anorexia? have you found a way of talking to people who are “normal” about your eating disorder and recovery from it? would love to hear what you have to say – comment here http://www.moritherapy.org/article/a-script-for-mental-illness

• 541 megan // Jul 30, 2009 at 11:33 pm

  hey girls!
  it’s just Megan. It is sooo good 2 be back in on this site. Missed u all!! give me news how are u all doing? Well, just like nature I have gained back my healthy weight. The hardest thing now 4 me is trying 2 mainten it. But I’m still trying 2 stay strong! Even though I’ve been falling through the cracks at times. But hey, we all have those days. And remember it’s just a stupid voice! And a voice will in time evantualy lead to a whisper <3

• 542 aliyah // Jul 31, 2009 at 4:32 am

  megan- hey girl! thats amazing news i am sooo happy ur at a healthy weight. just remember that number doesnt define you.
  and yes u will maintain it, just eat when u feel hungry listen to ur body and the voice will become even less of a whisper.

  im doing gd myself thanks, just back from holiday in america, lots of eating out and family meals but it was all good, no worries and i really enjoyed myself.

  happy n healthy x

• 543 Jan // Aug 3, 2009 at 5:22 pm

  hello, I recently found this website and decided it would be quite helpful on my long road to recovery. I am sixteen years old and have been struggling with anorexia for 9 months now. I have not had my period since november, and currently weigh 110 pounds and am 5 foot 8. I am really in need of some advice, I am going on vacation in about a week to an all inclusive resort in Mexico and I am not sure how I am going to handle it. My parents divorced in January and my mother and I took a trip to San Diego in July and I found it really helped with my eating. I ate large portions and gained around 7 pounds. However, Mexico will be different because I am going with my father, and every time I’m around him I feel the need to restrict my calories because of his controlling nature (my brother, aunt and cousins will also be going on the trip). I am just concerned about not having the comfort of knowing how many calories will be in the food I am eating. I am also scared because I do not want to overeat because I feel more relaxed on the vacation. I find that on days when I do not count my calories, I over eat just because I can. If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated. I just need to know how I can eat at the buffets yet still feel in control of what I am eating, and not gain a ton of weight while I’m at it, I am moreso looking to maintain the weight I previously gained from San Diego. Thanks so much!

• 544 aliyah // Aug 4, 2009 at 2:25 am

  jan- hello im aliyah and i know exactly how u feel and i know its scary and frustrating. ive had eating disorders- anorexia and bulimia for 6 years of my life and im so much better now and in a better place. i just recently went on holiday and i do have sum advice
  firstly remember any weight u gain, is just ‘regain’ weight, technically u are just putting on what you lost. counting calories is not healthy and you should try not to do it, going on holiday just give in to calories. overeating is part of recovery, because we need so many extra calories for repair and so the body can fix some of thedamage, so though ur dad may be controlling, u cant control ur food intake. this is the time to find anew mechanism for coping with ur dads controlling nature. take a diary with you, write and record ur thoughts and write down frustrations. but dont take it out on food.
  you said u want to maintain ur weight, but u need to get to a weight where u have ur period and your not thinking about calories and control- and that only comes as u regain weight. theres no easy way, so try to relax around calories. evryone else is eating what they want and u shud to.
  as for buffets, just make a large plate of what u want, u dont have to put everything on it, and eat until u feel comfortably full, and then stop.

  alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com – feel free to add me and send me any emails of anytime u need advice on holiday or before or after, basically whenever.

  have a nice time, healthy and hapy is the way to be! you have the strenght within you to win x

• 545 Nature // Aug 4, 2009 at 8:29 pm

  Hi Jan.

  I’m Nature and I have struggled with my eating disorder for over 2 years now. I am in recovery, and I too, am a girl who is going to be 16 soon.

  Like Aliyah said, everybody has the right of what to eat and when to eat, where to eat and how much to eat. You should not deprive yourself, and hun, at first you won’t even regain any weight because your body will use it all up to repair the damage anorexia have done to your body.

  As long as you keep eating three meals a day with 2-3 snacks, your body will start to tell you when it is hungry/what it needs. It is scary to trust your body at first, I know, and I’m still learning to do that. If you haven’t had your period since November, it is more than likely because of your body weight. Missing periods is so bad for you, you don’t want to end up having osteoporosis.

  Also, try not to get worried about how much your body will tell you to eat when you first start eating. It’s the body’s natural reaction after it has been starved for so long. It will try to get as much as possible, but trust me, it will level out and after your body knows that you aren’t going to starve it anymore, it will give you normal hunger cues and whatnot.

  You’ve already taken the first few steps of recovery: recognizing that you have a problem and doing something about it. You should be so proud of yourself for that. I know you can do this, so please keep fighting.

  Best wishes,

  Nature.

• 546 Nature // Aug 4, 2009 at 8:42 pm

  Oh, and I also wanted to share with you all something I got from my nutritionist/therapist today at my ED clinic.

  -What is normal eating?-

  Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should.

  Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.

  Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good.

  Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

  Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.

  Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

  In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

  P.S.
  On the side note, I am doing very well, . They said I have maintained my healthy weight for a couple of months now so yay! However, my period is still not here, and they said they will give it more time for it. If it doesn’t come back within the next few months, they said they might have to up my meal plan, which means I will have to gain a bit more weight in order to tell my body that I will no longer starve myself so I’ll get my period back. Does this make any sense to any of you? And have any of you have to do this to get your period back? I just want to get it back naturally without going on pills or gaining even more weight since I don’t count calories anymore and eat as my body tells me. My nutritionist said that if I do that and get my period back, my body will naturally shed the gained weight so I will go back to my original healthy weight. So then I don’t really understand the point of increasing my weight just to have it naturally fall back again and still continuously get my period with the original weight? I hope I’m not confusing anyone because I’m a bit muddled about this too, xD.

• 547 aliyah // Aug 5, 2009 at 2:34 am

  nature- hiiiya! so glad ur maintaining and staying there, and being strong! so proud. you really have come so far:)

  yeah it does make sense, to gain a little to get the period back, if u think about how u treated ur body, by losing so much weight u confused it, it never knew when u wer gna eat, what food was coming, it was deprived and so even though now its used to getting a certain amount of food, it still has to be extra careful. it doesnt wanna give u a period, if it thinks maybe ill be deprived agen. so gaining a little extra will, boost its confidence.

  does that make sense to u haha?
  hope ur happy, healthy and happy.

  keep eating, keep being free xxxx

• 548 Nature // Aug 5, 2009 at 12:13 pm

  Hiya Aliyah!

  Thanks for the reply. Well, my nutritionist said that gaining a bit more may get it back if waiting for it doesn’t work. However she said after gaining and getting it back, my body will naturally shed the gained weight and continue to have my period at the healthy weight I was at before. So then I don’t really get it since wouldn’t this mean that I could just keep on eating healthy/whatever I want, tell my body I’m not starving it, continue to be at this weight, and my body will naturally get it?

  Hope I didn’t confuse you even more! Haha.

• 549 aliyah // Aug 5, 2009 at 12:52 pm

  nature, yeh i do get what u mean, but i think your body probably needs that extra confidence first that u really are looking after it, and then even if u lose a little, going back to ur normal weight, your body will still trust you.
  i think its like, well using an example, imagine ur in a relationship for a long time, years and years n ur partner cheats on you,it takes a long time to build the trust and each time they go out, after u may be wary, theyre cheating. but after a long amount of time, that goes away and u fully trust them agen so when the partern who cheated goes out, the other person still trusts them, and continues as normal. that other partner is like our body, and we are the previous cheaters.

  does that make any sense at all? probably not, but just take the advice of the nutrionaist, she knows what shes talking about. all the best x

• 550 Nature // Aug 5, 2009 at 6:15 pm

  LOL, Aliyah!!! Nice example, haha!

  Yes, I totally get what you mean, hehehe. So it’s just like something extra on top for the person to do to get the trust back, like being extra nice or whatever.

  Well, I’ll give it some more time like the nutritionist said, and if it still doesn’t come back within the next few months, they’ll probably up my meal plan. If it all comes down to gaining a bit more weight, I don’t mind as long as I get my period back.

  Thanks one again, .

• 551 aliyah // Aug 6, 2009 at 3:46 am

  haha thanks! im glad it made sense, after i sent it i was like do i sound like an idiot haha.

  but yeah , give it time, hopefully itll come back

  healthy n happy xx

• 552 Jan // Aug 7, 2009 at 4:26 pm

  Aliyah: hello again, thanks for the advice, It’s really nice to hear from someone who knows exactly what I’m going through. I do not think I am at a point in my recovery where I can stop calorie counting, or stop restricting. I have created a meal plan with my nutritionist which consists of three meals, and three snacks (grain products, protein, dairy, fruits and vegetables ect), I am hoping that I am able to stick with this plan and not forget about it. I am fearful that if I do not follow this eating plan, I may feel the need to begin throwing up, or surviving off of the granola bars I am bringing along. Although I am preparing myself for this trip, I still feel quite alone and overwhelmed. However, your advice will definitely help, and I will try very hard to continue recovering on my trip. thanks very much!

  Nature: Thanks as well for the comments, I really appreciate your understanding and thoughtful remarks. This trip is really out of my comfort zone and I hope that I will be able to stick to my meal plan, and achieve the results I want which is to ultimately be healthy, and comortable with my body. thanks again for the support!

  By the way, I’m also concerned about family members pressuring me to eat on this holiday (cousins for example), If I give into them and eat more, I am worried that I will punish myself later. What should I say to them? I was also wondering if anyone could reccommend some books for the long plane rides, anything that will help my recovery, and make me feel better about myself.
  thanks for all your support, Jan

• 553 Nature // Aug 8, 2009 at 12:56 am

  Jan, I know it is very hard to NOT punish yourself at the beginning in recovery, but recovery is letting go and allowing yourself to do what you truly want to do…

  Like Aliyah said, an eating disorder is a very unhealthy way of coping with stress and problems you may have in your life, and you know this. I know it’s very hard, but you have to find things you enjoy in your life, which can be a positive stress reliever for you.

  I myself have struggled with this issue. I’m still trying to find out what I really love. After suffering from depression for four years, having an eating disorder for two, and having anxiety problems.. it really does take a toll to one’s self esteem. I guess for myself I had to figure out that I cannot keep holding on to the past and that I had to let go. I also had to keep on telling myself that I have things that I can look forward to in the future.

  You deserve so much more than this. An ED will only take away, it will never give anything good to you. Keep on fighting.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 554 aliyah // Aug 8, 2009 at 3:05 am

  jan- i feel for you i really do. i know exactly how that feels, u feel like ur trying to take control but no one is letting you. but honestly, and this is from personal experience, giving into a little pressure is good from family, and eating more, because it helps u go foward , and trust urself. it will be hard and u may feel angry and disguested or whatever, so take sumthing to write down ur feelings in and if u have internet write on this! were all here tohelp. remember this is a holiday, dont let an eating disorder ruin it, keep busy and enjoy urself, treat urself, and show urself how important u are in this world.
  whatever u do, do not throw up or go off ur meal plan. what u have to do is fight the voice, and show everyone around u, that u can do this. if u cant stick to a meal plan and u cant keep ur food in, people are always going to think u need help and pressure to eat. u must prove them wrong, and get better. a healthy mind is a full mind, and just because u may feel bad or horrible or fat, itsnot true. feelings are not facts.

  i think u shud write down, before u go a letter to urself, saying ur going to get better, what u gain from getting better, and how this holiday is going to be fun. you wont feel lonely if u let anorexia take over, ur going to be with ur family, stay with them, and if u feel ur going to be sick or purge, after each meal, sit with sumone in ur family for 40 minutes to prevemt urself.
  calorie counting will lessen as ur mind gets fed and becomes more healthy. belive me , it will get less, but theres only one way to be free.
  take my email addy alfonzo_mango@hotmail.com- email me ANYTIME, i will always help.

  tale care and enjoy the holiday! ur very lucky to be going away so take advantage of it!
  ohlastly- books- to die for by carol lee and thin by grace bowman.

  speak soon x

• 555 aliyah // Aug 8, 2009 at 3:06 am

  srry meant 2 say- u wont feel lonely if u dnt let anorexia take over.

• 556 Laurie // Aug 12, 2009 at 7:58 am

  I haven’t been on here since May when I got out of the hospital and went to the day program. I feel like this site is an old friend that accepts you no matter where you are in your recovery. As for me I am not sure when you say that you are recovered (or just maintaining a healthy weight) because of all of the struggles that still go on in your head. It’s kinda hard to explain but every morining I set positive affirmations for myself then unfortunately if I feel as though if I went off of my meal plan or I eat something I feel as though is “bad” my world seems to crumble even though logically I realize that I am the same person I was before I went outside my “box” so to speak. That’s when all of the negative thoughts and feelings paralyze me from moving forward. to make matters worse I’ve just had major hip surgery which requires 6 weeks on crutches and 6 months recovery.. so no running or exercising which has always been my coping skill and who I identify myself as a person.. yes I am a mom and a teacher but being fit is very important and now I dont have that to fill the void that I feel. I am not sure who said in their email that therapy doesn’t work .. well I dissagree. I think they need to find the right therapist for if I didn’t have mine to pull me out of the darkness that I have been in , I am not sure where I would be today so keep trying. Even though my weight may be stable I believe I still have a challange coming up in the next 6 months … physically as well as emotionally. I know I cant let the depression or Ed get ahead of me because I am not sure I have the strength to fight if it happens again.
  Hope all is well with everyone ..
  xo
  Laurie

• 557 Nature // Aug 12, 2009 at 1:24 pm

  Laurie, I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through a hard time in your life.

  I will be honest with you in the sense that I have no idea what it feels like to be almost immobile and not have the privilege of being able to run and exercise since it is a form of enjoyment many people have. Nor can I imagine the physical discomfort and pain you may be going through. However, despite all of the struggles you are having, I still see you as an incredibly strong individual who does have the strength to get through this. You have proved to life that you aren’t going to let it get you down.

  To be honest with you, I too, go off my meal plan. I may not be getting the most nutritious food and such at times, but I feel like once you let your body have a healthy weight and after you start eating regularly, it will tell you when and what it wants to eat. I’ve not been following my meal plan for about two months now, and my weight hasn’t gone down or up, it’s been stable and at a healthy weight. I really do hope that you’ll relax the grip you have on yourself since everybody has the right to be free.

  Depression is really hard. I too, struggle with it, but I think the hardest part of it is realizing the few but good things you do have in your life. When people are depressed, we only see the negative side and we feel as if we’re stuck in an abyss with no way out. We feel hopeless, and we’re crying out for help yet we feel as if we deserve the pain and suffering. It’s the most awful feeling in the world, and I feel for you.

  I’m sure that you have other things you enjoy apart from exercise. Why not take advantage of this period of time that you have to be sedentary and spend it with your children? Like watch a movie together, help them with their schoolwork if they have any, etc. It seems that the time you can’t exercise is only temporary. I know you will get through this.

  I wish you the best,

  Nature.

• 558 aliyah // Aug 13, 2009 at 3:50 am

  laurie- im sad to hear what uve been thru. you are an inspiration, and ino recovery is a struggle. i believe its not about regaining and weight, its about finding and becoming urself, and its so emotional.

  just like nature said, there must be other things you can do , that can at least attempt to fill the space of exercise, like spending time with ur children, im sure that is priceless.

  as for food, and going off the meal plan, i think u shud listen to ur body. i used to find it hard to know how much to eat, or when to eat, but i now just eat when i feel hungry, and it varies, so just try to listen to ur body. but keep it to 3 meals a day at least with snacks.

  i think one thing you really gta try to do is be positive. move the focus away from negative things, and try to look at positives. ur alive, ur with ur family, u have a good career, andok u cant exercise, but that doesnt mean its forever. your strong, and you can do anything. i know you can. at the endof the tunnel, is always a light, and if u want it u will.

  let out ur feelings, dont hold anything. therapy i agree is amazing, it helps u see things differently. remember feelings are not facts, if u feel awful, it doesnt mean sumthing is awful.

  good luck, and all the best.

  x

• 559 Laurie // Aug 13, 2009 at 4:38 am

  Thanks so much for support and kind words. They mean so very much to me. I never thought of moving out of my meal plan as a positive thing but it makes sense as Iam tired of writing everything down and measuring. I just want to eat normally ( but without the fear and worry gripping me afterwards) which doesn’t always happen anymore.

  The best choice I made was to go back into the hospital/ then outpatient in May.. I was ready for it and my attitude was different.
  Those bad days get farther and farther apart and there is that light at the end of the tunnel. Ed. is very tricky at throwing obstacles in your way isn’t he?

  I am suppose to go back to work at school in Sept. for 1/2 days for 4-6 weeks until my hip can handle it. However my principle said they don’t give half day sick leave. Which leaves me in a tough position financially and now I feel pressure to go back early. Choices.. life is full of them.

  Last night I went on the “Wall of Survivors” and wept because I so touched by everyones struggles and courage. We are not alone and I for one feel very blessed to have all of you to share my victories and setbacks with.

  Aliyah, I read your blog on eating disorders and was blown away at how well you explained the stages of what a person goes thu with an eating disorder .Well done!!

  and yes I will enjoy some time with my boys.. as time does fly.. one will be graduating from H.S. this year, the fact that he still “wants ” to watch movies with his mom is a fact I have learned to appreciate. So today I am looking at the glass as half full. I guess that’s all we can do right Nature?
  Enjoy the day
  Laurie

• 560 aliyah // Aug 13, 2009 at 5:08 am

  laure- thank u ! u are so sweet
  and yes look at the glass as half full, what happens in life will happen, you cant look too food to control things, that is out of ur personal control like ur injury, and financial problems.
  just do what feels right, and try not to feel too stressed.

  enjoy the time with your kids, and stay positive. no one has a set eating time, and amount of food, and its good to have a plan when ur in early stages, but if u trust urself to listen to ur body, then go for it. eat when u feel hungry and dont give in to that voice

  all the best x

• 561 Amy // Aug 13, 2009 at 6:54 am

  hey Aliyah. Whats ur blog called?xx

• 562 aliyah // Aug 13, 2009 at 12:59 pm

  amy- hi , how r u?
  u know i have no idea what my blog is called! i did it a while ago, and i cant remember where t find it.

  u shud email,isabella, or laurie, could you tell me where my blog is please?

  xxx

• 563 Amy // Aug 13, 2009 at 2:06 pm

  Im ok thanks. How are you? Ok I will. I have an exam 2moro and monday so im a bit stressed!xx

• 564 aliyah // Aug 13, 2009 at 2:18 pm

  ye im good
  good luk for your exam!

  xx

• 565 Amy // Aug 13, 2009 at 3:30 pm

  Thank u!!xx

• 566 aliyah // Aug 14, 2009 at 2:42 am

  how did it go?

  may i ask , what brought u to the site? are u suffering from an eating problem?

  xx

• 567 Amy // Aug 14, 2009 at 8:29 am

  It was very hard!Thanks for asking:) Roll on tuesday when they will be over. Yes I am recovering from anorexia. xxx

• 568 Amy // Aug 15, 2009 at 3:54 pm

  =( I really am finding recovering so hard because I have a fat stomach now thats really uncomfortable yet I have to keep eating to get my bmi up. Its so confusing because I am fat yet they are making me eat loads. I know everyone says it will redistribute but how does it?:( Its realy realy getting me down that I will be stuck lke this forever. I always feel so fat. I know my arms and legs are not but my stomach is. All the weight has gone there. I was happier when I was thinner.I think I look awful now and I don’t like going out as much because of my stomach.:(

• 569 Chelsea // Aug 15, 2009 at 9:22 pm

  I have also started to gain back weight but each time I do gain weight I start getting all of these negative thoughts about my body and how I feel and want to restrict and go back so bad. I know that it is all crazy thoughts in my head but how does everyone else combat these thoughts? How do you suppress them so that you can push on in recovery?

• 570 isabella mori // Aug 15, 2009 at 11:03 pm

  chelsea, i’ve written about the topic of dealing with negative thoughts a number of times, for example

  http://www.moritherapy.org/article/dealing-with-negative-self-talk/

  http://www.moritherapy.org/article/using-your-negative-voice/

  http://www.moritherapy.org/article/cognitive-therapy-the-10-distortions/

  hope you find something helpful!

• 571 Nature // Aug 15, 2009 at 11:29 pm

  Amy and Chelsea, the most difficult part in recovery is to keep fighting through the negative thoughts/voices and to keep eating/maintaining your healthy weight.

  The reason as to why all the weight goes to your stomach area is because that’s where most of your body’s organs are. Your body wants to protect them, and as you keep eating, your body will learn that it won’t go through starvation again. Therefore it will distribute the weight. It takes a few months, though. So you do have to be patient.

  I guess I had to keep telling myself that there is nothing to gain from starvation and living with an ED. I kept telling myself that my life will be ruined if I continued down this path. I just thought of my future goals and of my boyfriend who had stuck together with me like a magnet (and still does stick with me) through all these tough times. I just couldn’t let him down again. Also, I just reminded myself how miserable, depressed, cold, and irritable I was living with that disease. Just the thought of that made me want to NOT go back there again.

  Best of luck to both of you.

• 572 aliyah // Aug 16, 2009 at 3:46 am

  amy- hi there. I know how frustrating it is, to eat and to feel fat and horrible. Its sadly a part of recovery, see it as a stage , and it passes. like nature said, food goes to certain areas first because ur a female, and for a female, fat is needed in the stomach areas. Its a natural process. After a couple of months, it does redistrubute. your body has to learn to trust you again, and you owe it yo your body to eat well, and stick to whatever ur being told to eat. It will pass i promise, and dont feel fat because your not. your just regaining back the weight you lost, not gaining anything , except your life back.

  when u feel down and bad, just remember thats not the real you thats sad, its the anorexia, and thats a gd thing!
  there are so many risks to anorexia, its slow suicide, its killing you, and what your doing in recovery is saving yourself. and yes there are hard times, but good times will come.

  you are beautiful, and not defined by a number. live your life! dont let ana ruin it
  x

• 573 aliyah // Aug 16, 2009 at 3:51 am

  chelsea- sadly those negative thoughts are part of recovery, and those horrible voices stay there as long as they can. When your eating, your doing the exact oppsite of what anorexia wants you to do, and so its putting up a fight by shouting at you, telling you not to eat. and the best way to combat those thoughts, is to not listen to them, and replace them with something positive. so if it says, ‘ finising that slice of cake is going to make u so fat’ you have to reword it and say ‘ finsing that cake, is an achievement, and i deserve to enjoy the taste of it, just like everyone else. and one slice does not make me fat’

  a lot of food is needed in recovery remember, anything from 2000 to 3000 calories a day, so dont feel bad when u eat, you need to eat to get ur life back, and ur health up. when u have that healthy mind, you willfeel better. whenur mind is deprived of food, your mind doesnt function well, and thats when the voice is strongest.

  all the best! stay positive, your doing the right thing in chosing recovery, i gurantee that.

  and everyone on this site is at a smilar stage , or a fruther stage ahead, and we will all help xx

• 574 isabella mori (@moritherapy) // Aug 16, 2009 at 8:15 am

  people were wondering where aliyah’s blog post was.

  it is here

  http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

  and if you’re looking for more stuff on anorexia here on this blog, here it is

  http://www.moritherapy.org/?s=anorexia

  have a lovely day, everyone!

• 575 alleeconn // Aug 16, 2009 at 4:55 pm

  Saphire…you live in kamloops?!!!! Holy. Shit.
  Me too.

  I…am so down on myself. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m average weight. I’m average.
  I don’t want to be anymore. I promised myself I wouldn’t be ever again.

  I hate myself for letting myself recover. And I don’t know what to do…

• 576 saphire // Aug 16, 2009 at 6:46 pm

  Alleeconn!!!
  Thats awesome!!!! We should like get coffee or something if you want one day- minxymouse@hotmail.com if you want to add me to facebook or msn
  I was at that stage too once a few months ago when i was sooo down on myself because I got to my ideal weight and then some lol But now, Ive been 100% ana free for a couple months. You have to let this stage pass. It is a bonified stage in ana recovery, you just HAVE to stick with it. DONT let yourself slip, you have your life back.
  And please hunny, do not hate yourself for recovering, my god, you are doing something not many ppl can. The mortality rate for ana is the highest of the mental illnesses so Im thinking you should be incredibly proud of yourself! I know I am. This stage will pass. DO NOT go back to old habits, just think of how far you’ve come. Be proud. And you’re not fat, no even close. You’re normal now. And thats the goal of recovery. You are surviving and living. And average? hun, you are not average- perhaps in size, but do you really want to look like a starving African or a 13 yr old boy? And you’ve just beaten something SOOO deadly! so average- no, you’re not average. You’re better than average and you need to give yourself credit for that. Be proud of yourself. You are amazing, beautiful and have your whole life ahead of you. Dont live it in a hell of misery. Honestly, fuck size. Happiness is what counts. Health is what counts. Live your life the best you can live it!!!
  Much love hunny xx

• 577 aliyah // Aug 17, 2009 at 2:36 am

  allecon- that is awesome! so proud of you you got to a stage, where you should feel proud and lucky. your not average, your at a healthy weight for your body, and height, youve reduced the risks of so many illnesses and problems, and your not dominated by calories, food and a voice.

  way to go you! look to the future, its positive

• 578 alleeconn // Aug 18, 2009 at 9:11 pm

  Ty so much Saph and Aliyah. Aliyah, are you at where I am? Is that how you know all these things and are able to help everyone?

  And Saph, I added you on msn

• 579 aliyah // Aug 19, 2009 at 3:15 am

  hiya alleeconn

  Im at a healthy weight, but i feel good, and happy and free!
  i dont get negative thoughts, and i feel so lucky to be where i am, at this stage, which is better than being miserable, counting calories all day!

  we are not average, weve been through a lot, and were some of the stronger ones who make it to this stage

  be proud x

• 580 Jilly // Aug 20, 2009 at 10:08 am

  Wow, thank god i finally found a place with people like me! heres where i am:::
  -i obsessively ran many many miles every day, jumped on the trampoline,did crunches, and played basketball untill about 4 weeks ago.
  -that is when my knee got injured from overuse because i ran so much with bad sneakers and i had no cushion on my knee.
  -i went to the dr and they just said to rest it…thats when the dr looked at me and asked if i have lost weight…i had and it was 20 pounds and my bmi was 15.6.
  -i felt healthy and i continues bike exercising,pilaties, yoga and crunches
  -i had to see a nutritionist which stinks so much…i make weekly trips to either the nutritionist or dr for a weigh in ect.
  -yeastorday was my 2nd or 3rd weigh in and i was just as light as the week before(when i actuly lost 2lbs)
  -i NEEEEED to gain some weight or else im going to be an inpatiens. im not going to let that happed obviously and i really need to get an OK so i can start sports in like a week cause they are my life!
  -yesotrday i had went to the beach and had salad after the drs appointment. my mom told my friends to make me eat and they did.
  -for dinner i had baked beans and babycarrots and milk and my mom and dad were upset that i didnt have more and my mom made me eat a huge bowl of ice cream..which i enjoyed! so now i need help cause i lied about my lunch today because i ate too much in the morning…

• 581 Nature // Aug 20, 2009 at 11:54 am

  Jilly, you may feel like you are healthy, but your health will keep deteriorating if you let yourself continue down this path.

  I’m no doctor, but I don’t think you should start exercising a week just after your knee injury. You don’t want to permanently harm it, .

  I am very concerned about you, and everybody knows what it feels like to be where you are right now. It might be best for you to think about it.

  Did you start exercising because you enjoyed it, or did you start exercising because you wanted to burn off calories? The other girls here asked me that when I wanted to start exercising again because I felt sluggish, and I realized I never really was a super duper fit/athletic person before all of this. However, I did bike every day for recreation. I don’t even bike anymore, but maybe I’ll include it into my life slowly since I’ve maintained my healthy weight for a few months now.

  Hun, if you truly enjoy exercising, you won’t be able to continue it if you keep losing muscle and such by not eating properly. There is nothing to gain from an eating disorder. We’re human beings, we’re not numbers. Everyone’s body is unique and work best at different weights and composition.

  You don’t want to live your life feeling cold, miserable, and plagued by a stupid voice in your head. You have the right to be free from this disease.

  Take good care of yourself, and we’ll love to hear from you any time!

  Nature.

• 582 aliyah // Aug 20, 2009 at 1:01 pm

  Jilly- We all know what uve been thru on this site, and we all have lots of food advice for you, so please try to follow it.
  ive had ed’s for over 6 years, and now im so much better, after recovery. The thing is, it involves a lot of food, very very little exercise, and a lot of motivation. But you will gain ur life back
  See the weight gain, as just regaining back weight, regaining what u lost.
  Like nature said, put the exercise on hold, as hard as it is. I used to be obsessvie about exercise, doing it all the time, and hardly eating.
  Next follow ur meal plan, or advice from nutrionist, u need at least 2000 cal a day, 3 meals, and snacks throughout the day. No diet drinks, and eat proper sized meals. Ur stomach will find it hard, and it wont feel nice, but its a stage that passes. this is a time , where ur body needs alot of food, to repair all the damage u did by exercise and not enuff food.

  Use ur family and friends to help you. Life shuldnt be about calories, food and exercise. its about being you, and you are not a number.
  Dont risk ur life, anorexia is the mental disorder with the hardest death rate. dont be in that statistic, cause frankly with exercise, and not enuff food, youll be even more at risk

  all the best and keep us updated. you will do this, u absolutely have the power within you. the determination u used to , restrict and exercise, can be turned round, and you can use it to eat more, and not exercise.

  x

• 583 Nature // Aug 20, 2009 at 9:34 pm

  Okay, well, this isn’t really about eating, but I’m rather facing a dilemma now, .

  As I’ve said time to time, I suffer from depression and anxiety as well. Because my father talks a lot, on my last visit to the ED clinic, he told them that I sometimes have relapses (in depression) and that I used to be down for a whole week whereas now, I’ll go to my room and stay there for an hour or two and be okay. That is true, but however, that was MONTHS ago…

  Ugh, because of that statement he made, the clinic wants to give me more therapists.. so on top of the people I already see (therapist, nurse, doctor, nutritionist, and family therapist), I get two more psychiatrists… I don’t get along with one of my therapists, and now I feel really overwhelmed with so many people, . I went off of my medication a few months ago because I took them for a couple of months, and they did nothing…

  It just seems that all they (psychs + docs at clinic) want to do is talk the hell out of me and hype me up on pills, as much as I may make them seem cruel, :/. I just feel like the saying, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.”

  I just don’t know where to go from here, :/.

• 584 aliyah // Aug 21, 2009 at 2:22 am

  nature- im sorry to hear about this dilemma. that many psychiatrists does seem like a lot, but if you think about it , they are all there to help you, and theyre all concerned with helping you.
  what ur dad said, is that still true now? do u have a lot of relapses.

  I think u shud go along, and see what they have to say, at the end of the day, u dont want depression, so if they can help let them. Then once uve heard what they have to say, u shud say what u feel to them, u mite get on with these psychiatrists, and tell them so many people is a bit much.

  Dont see it asa negative, because honestly, your lucky to have so much help in recovery. most people are on waiting lists, and if theye lucky they wud get more psychatrists.

  ur doing so well, the advice u give out now, is amazing too. dont ever use food again to control ur feelings, stay strong, keep eating. hope ur period comes back soon !

  xx

• 585 Jilly // Aug 21, 2009 at 5:40 am

  hi guys! im happy to have so much quick support here and i feel like it helps so so much. However, this is just the hardest thing ever to deal with. EVERYTHING in my brain just wants me to stay how i am because i really feel happy the size i am, but EVERYONE around me tells me to EAT EAT EAT and i want to run awayyy sometimes! it makes me so grumpy!! i hate that sluggish feeling that makes me want to go run 7 miles and i hate how i can already feel my butt becoming cushier…and i have barely gained 1lb! Nature, your comment on exercise relly made me think and the truth is that im not sure why i want to exercise but it truely cleanses my spirit and makes me happy and thats all i know.

  GUHH. i ate SO MUCH yestorday unwillingly and my parents still bugged me..yah yah i know -theyr trying to help me…

  the other thing is i really dont want to gain any weight but i am promicing myself thatim going to have 2lbs by next week so i can show progress and the dr will ease up! this is hard stuff

• 586 aliyah // Aug 21, 2009 at 5:45 am

  jilly- i know how frustrating it can be , its a hard stage of recovery. you just dont want to eat, but u have to. and u have to eat a lot.
  remmeber u need to have about 2000+ cals, so the more u eat the better!
  think about what u will gain, by gettin gbetter, im sure there was a time in ur life, when u werent concerned and obsessed with food, and thats how u want to be. ur not gaining weight, your only regaining what u lost.

  http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/health/134153/What-are-the-health-risks-with-anorexia-nervosa- just look at all the risks. u dont want to suffer from them, and the worst thing is, some could be irrevirsable.

  stay strong and be positive. allow urself to eat a lot, and give in to ur cravings. enjoy the taste of food! u deserve a life without anorexia

• 587 Chelsea // Aug 21, 2009 at 7:37 am

  I know how you all feel about exercise but it is a really hard thing to balance in the early stages of recovery and I have had to completely halt all exercise because I know that I abused and overused exercise before starting recovery. I know that I have posed this question on here before but does anyone have any good methods or advice to replace that high and elatedness that is associated with our addiction to exercise? I need something to replace it so that I don’t dwell on the lack of it in my routine.

  I have also committed to recovery but there are still so many times when all I can think about is that I am fine just the way I am and don’t want to change because it is just so difficult. I know that I will always have these thoughts creep up on me but how do you all erase these messages from ED and strengthen your motivation to recover?

• 588 saphire // Aug 21, 2009 at 10:16 am

  Tracy hun, how are you doing? we haven’t heard your voice on here in a while so Im wondering if you’re ok? Thinking of you. Hope you are alright.
  xox

• 589 aliyah // Aug 21, 2009 at 11:46 am

  Chelsea- You just need to remind yourself every single day of what you are recovering for, for that better,healthier, happier you and you need to in some way remind yourself, for example thinking back to a time when u were ana free and happy, or having the complete confidence to go out and eat with friends.
  That buzz is hard to get, but just remind urself of the negative aspects with obsessive exercise, how it will affect your bones, and how its only going to take you back a step.

  just stay positive, and keep eating. you cant just erase thoughts but you can, replace them with sumthing positive, so if u get a thought that says your going to get very fat if ueat this cake, then replace it with, i like the taste of this cake, and i deserve to enjoy it, so im goina have it.Another example is, if u feel like exercising, say, i cant afford to burn off any precious calories, and im going to beat ana by not exercising. im not fat, i dont need to.

  hope that was of some help.

  xx

• 590 Nature // Aug 21, 2009 at 11:58 am

  Hey everyone!

  Aliyah, thanks for the advice once again. You seem to have an answer to everything, . To answer your question, I’m not like what my dad said anymore. I mean, I occasionally get down once in a while (like once a month now, lol), but it’s not like where I become antisocial for a whole week or two (which is what I was like five months ago)! The only reason I got so stressed and anxious yesterday was because all these people were overwhelming for me, >.<. I'll see how it goes, I suppose…

  Jilly, exercising does improve mood for people. It is proven so scientifically, but you have to do it in a proper, safe way. Overexercising and abuse of your body is not healthy, and it will deteriorate your health. Your body needs to rest after exercising, and you can't do too much either. You have to eat very well as well, or you'll keep damaging your body.

  If you truly do enjoy it, you won't be able to do it anymore with an ED. Like Aliyah said, you should think about what you'll gain from recovery. What do you want to do in life? What are your goals? Is it possible to do these with a slowly killing ED? What has the ED given you so far? For me, it gave me utter crap.

  Chelsea, like you have already done, I think the best option is to cut out exercise altogether within the first stage of recovery. Your body is damaged really badly, and it definitely needs the time to regain strength and repair the damages. Have you ever tried yoga? I heard it is low intensity and very relaxing.

  It doesn't even have to be something physical (high intensity or not). You can read, draw, paint, journal, w/e. There are a lot of options, and a slow paced walk outside when the sun is shining is a great boost to your mood!

  As for the thoughts, I always looked back to what I'll gain from recovery, and I also reminded myself how miserable I was cooped up in an ED. Just remembering how awful I felt back then stops me from going back (or makes me not want to when I'm having a really bad day).

  Good luck to all of you!!

• 591 Nature // Aug 21, 2009 at 12:53 pm

  Thanks Aliyah once again for the advice. You seem to have an answer for everything, . To answer your question, I’m not like this anymore. I mean, yes, I do get down once in a while, but I’m not cooped up in my room for two weeks straight or anything like that, which was how I was five months ago. I’ll just listen to music or write down my feelings, and I’ll feel better now. I suppose I’ll see how things go and decide from there.

  Jilly, exercise does improve your mood, but only if you do it in a safe, healthy way. Your body needs to rest each time it exercises, and you have to eat very well. If you do truly enjoy it, you won’t be able to do it anymore with an ED since it robs you of your strength and muscles.

  Think about what you were like before you had an ED since you’re not exactly sure of why you exercise. Did you run 7 miles every single day of your life? I’m only assuming this, but I don’t think anybody does that! Like Aliyah said, focus on what you’ll gain from recovery. For me, an ED gave nothing but crap.

  Chelsea, I agree that incorporating exercise within the first stage of recovery is immensely difficult, and I think you should cut off exercise completely within that stage. Our bodies have been damaged quite badly, and it needs all the energy and rest it can get to repair itself.

  Have you ever tried yoga? I heard it’s very relaxing and it is low intensity as well. It doesn’t have to be something physical, it can be writing, drawing, painting, reading, or w/e. A slow paced walk outside when the sun is shining is also a good boost to your mood! There’s a lot of ways to spend time, and I should be spending my time more productively as well, haha.

  As for the thoughts, like Aliyah said, when a negative one pops in, try to replace it with a positive one. I found it very helpful to think about what I’ll gain from recovery, and if I was having a bad day, I’d remind myself of how miserable I felt when I was stuck in an ED. That made me not want to go back ever again!!

  Good luck to you all!

• 592 aliyah // Aug 21, 2009 at 1:31 pm

  nature- haha thanks, i just say what i feel sounds right.
  Let us know how u get on, and how the new help is for you. Just remember how lucky u are, to have the extrahelp, and be honest with them,and tell them if u think its too much. Soo glad u can find other ways to deal with your deprression now and its a lot better than it was.

  Hows maintaining the weight been for you?
  My dad went shopping today, and bought so much food. im jus having a stuff you face day today. And 2moro im going out for a meal and drinks for a frends bday. I feel so free, its such a good feeling isnt it?

  xxxx

• 593 Nature // Aug 21, 2009 at 3:21 pm

  Awww, thanks for the encouragement, Aliyah!

  The maintaining has been good! I’ve been stable for like 3 months now, . It’s a short time, but I can’t believe I was able to do it! The feeling of being free is soooooooo good, hahaha.

  The shopping sounds exciting, ;P. What did your dad buy??? I go shopping with my mom almost every day, too, hehe. And I can totally relate to eating a lot, but not caring, and going to a meal the next day as well! Since my birthday was on the 17th, I went out eat the day before, ate till I was full, and ate all the left overs the next day, . Then just yesterday, we went to dinner again with my sister! Ate until I was full, and ate the leftovers for breakfast, hahaha.

  Freedom is amazing, .

• 594 Laurie // Aug 21, 2009 at 7:06 pm

  Jilly,
  You so remind me of myself. I have been an avid runner for 23 years and only in the past 4 years has my eating disorder returned. so I do understand what if feels like to use it as a coping mechanism and to cleanse your spirit . But there is a point where “JIlly” stops and ED takes over during the run or exercise.. it is a fine line ..I know because I walked it for a long time and then I crossed it and had to have surgery on my hip for a torn cartlidge and have a torn calf muscle .. all because I ran thru the pain.

  My best advice to you is this ..at least cut back on the exercise before it is “taken” away from you.
  I also know Jilly what it is like to want both to be thin and to recover.. but they really dont go hand in hand. It is worth the effort .. like Aliyah and Nature keep saying ..it is nice to eat and enjoy it .. to be able to enjoy the company of friends and go to the movies and actually get popcorn . That is freeing.

  I got some devastating news yesterday that my best friends father passed away and usually I would go pound out a 7 mile run to get out my frustration/grief etc. Usually I normally resort to a poor choice of behaviors but not this time.
  This time I cried and felt the pain .. didnt disconnect and did not let Ed back in which is when he would sneak in.

  So Jilly and Chelsea just remember that ED does nothing but rob you of your life and time spent with family and friends.
  Good luck..
  Laurie

• 595 aliyah // Aug 22, 2009 at 2:16 am

  nature, thats so good, you can go out and eat leftovers, even though u had a nice big tasty meal oh he just bouught loads of chcolate, cakes, biscuits, crisps, nuts…etc.
  healthy and happy

  Laurie-im sorry to hear of the sad news of ur friends father that must be really hard for you to hear. But thats so good, u didnt go out running, and let ur emotions surface. its good to cry and lose yourself to your emotions. No space for ana to sneak in. You know that running is not the answer, you can find other ways to let ur grief and sadness out.
  well done, and i hope your friend is ok.

  x

• 596 Nature // Aug 22, 2009 at 1:30 pm

  Laurie, I am so sorry to hear about your best friend’s and your loss. It really does feel like a shock when you lose somebody close, but like Aliyah said, I too am happy that you were able to face the stressful situation in a healthier way. Sometimes crying is all you can do, and it does help.

  I find that it is much harder to get over things (whether it be eating, losing somebody, failing a class, w/e) if you don’t face them. Letting out your emotions and accepting that something is indeed in fact painful and tiring and stressful and all that makes it easier to understand and slowly but surely let it go.

  Keep on staying strong. You’re doing a fantastic job!

• 597 Lise-Ann Brennan // Aug 24, 2009 at 4:05 am

  Hi
  Its been a very long time since I posted anything on here but since my last message back in May last year I have made some big changes and some strong progress.

  Since May I have moved back home to live with my parents (renting out my flat) I have decided to leave work and go to University to study Architecture next month (Staying at home while I study) and I have begun working with a team at the local hospital which involves seeing a dietician and a therapist (which I am on a waiting list for)

  Most recently I have begun eating more sensibly and consistently for the first time since I became ill. I have given control of my diet to my mum and we now sit down together and plan my weeks meals and she prepares the majority of my meals to take the pressure off me whilst I am coming to terms with eating more.

  I have also started keeping a personal blog (similar to Chelsea’s) and a food diary blog of my new eating pattern. Which I welcome everyone and anyone to visit (www.liseann.wordpress.com)

  As positive as all of this progress has been I am also now dealing with the full force of my disorder as it fights to stay in control. The trade off for recovery is that the disorder fights even harder and that is a real challenge for me at the moment.

  I am really struggling today for example with thoughts that I am eating too much and I’m going to loose track and control, I know form the work I have done with the dietician that I need to eat and eat a lot and that I won’t become out of control and overweight but its hard to tell yourself that when your mind is working in a different way!! I love seeing the dietician because I can believe her when she tells me I will be OK if I eat 3000 calories a day at the moment because I need too, but the confidence I get from seeing her tends to wear of after a few days as my disordered thoughts start to take over again. Right now I am about to go on holiday to Anna Maria in Florida for two weeks in September and this is really playing on my mind, I am so worried I’ll be out of control and out of my normal routine and I am fighting so hard to resist the temptation to restrict before I go. I normally would have restricted to allow myself to relax about the holiday, I think that by restricting I’m sort of saving up credit to be able to eat more on holiday if I have to! Can anyone relate to this feeling and perhaps help me fight through the problems I’m having believing I won’t be out of control and it is ok to eat!!

  Having read many of the posts on here I can see how much support you guys give and I am inspired by each of you.

• 598 aliyah // Aug 24, 2009 at 4:26 am

  Lise- Hi there, im aliyah
  I just want to say congratulations, for chosing reovery. you truely are makinh the best decision , and ur body will thank you, it isthanking you
  I know how u feel, im at a very secure stage in recvoery, regained my weight back, thru eating a lot of food, and I also had a holiday not long ago, so I do know how u feel.

  Its really good, u eat sensiblly and you are strong enough to let ur mum help you, and that just shows how motivated and determined u are to get to that end stage. And trust me you will.

  You obviously have established a sort of routine, you mum sorts out the sizes and meals for you, and all of a sudden, your going on holiday and ana is like ok heres my chance to get her off track again.
  You aboslutely must not restrict before u go on holiday, keep the 3000 cals going, remember ur not gaining weight, your just regaining weight.
  On holiday, your going to be busy, i presume, sight seeing and going out, and you need to enjoy the holiday, not let ana ruin it. you will regret it in the long term.
  Is ur mum going with u? Ifshe is, can u confide in her,and tel her how u arefeeling, cause she can then, ensure u eat enuff?
  If not, just remind urself, if u mess up ur eating, and dont follow ur plans, you will go back one step and you do not want that. Yur body will get confsed, ur metabolism will get messed up.

  Liek you said u trust ur dietician, u need 3000 cals, and thats what u shud aim for on ur holiday. Uusally on holiday most people eat a bit more, and u need to learn that its normal, and its ok if u eat more, you wll not get fat. Increasing by a little, wont do any damage to ur body, and it will just push ana away .

  Enjoy your holiday, take each day as it comes, and enjoy food. Food is there to be enjoyed, so make a vow to urself, you will enjoy the holiday, u will not restrict and you with each mouthful u take, remind urself, u are destroying the devil that is ana.

  allthe best x

• 599 Lise-Ann Brennan // Aug 24, 2009 at 4:53 am

  Thank you Alyiah

  Mum will be on holdiay too so I know she will be able to support me.

  I like the idea that I am not giaing weight but rather regaining weight!

  I have kept eating today despite the fear and I am glad I asked for help when i needed it!

• 600 aliyah // Aug 24, 2009 at 5:43 am

  Lisa- Well done for not giving into the voice!

  Yeah honestly, all ur doing is regaining back all the weight u lost, and it doesnt matter, how long it takes, and how much more u eat on holiday. You are just tryin to get to that healthy weight range, and trust me, as u regain weight, ur mind will feel better and u will feel strongr emotionally.

  Its good ur mums going, do tell her how u feel, and sumtimes, when u feel down, all u need is a hug and a little reassurance that ur going thru this for a reason

  The thoughts will pass, give it time, and stay positive! when do u go on ur holiday?

  All the best, xx

• 601 Lise-Ann Brennan // Aug 24, 2009 at 6:14 am

  Thanks Alayiah

  One of my silly fears is that it won’t take long to regain weight and I sort of want it to take longer so I can enjoy eating again for a while if that makes any sense??

  I go away on the 9th September then come straight back and go to university!!!

• 602 aliyah // Aug 24, 2009 at 7:07 am

  Lise, its not a silly fear. We all had it/have it at some point in recovery, actually for a large part of it. It makes complete sense, and i used to think the exact same. But really, u shud be regaining about 2 pounds a week. After your body gets to a weight its comfortable at,and is healthy, your weight willstabalise. Nd you can will still be eating a good amount of food, and u can still enjoy eating!
  If u restricted, then ate agen, ull end up in a vicious cycle, where u restrict, regain, restrict regain etc. Dont let that happen, that will mess with ur body, and ur mind.

  Is it ur first year at uni? How old are u if u dont mind me asking?
  Im 19,, and in uni too, and Uni life is tough, you need to eat a lot, to put up with the pressure and stress of it.

  xx

• 603 Lise-Ann Brennan // Aug 25, 2009 at 1:18 am

  It will be my first year at Uni but I’m 26! About to change the direction of my life completely and leave a job in financial services to study Architecture. I will need a lot of strenght and energy to complete it as it takes 7 years to be fully qualified and from what I hear its a pretty intense degree!! I’m staying at home which will help but I still have a mortgage to pay on my flat!
  I think it will be good for me though as I have never enjoyed what I do but kind of fell into it so doing this degree because I want to is part of my effort to listen to myself and follow my dreams and interests!
  What are you studying and where?

• 604 aliyah // Aug 25, 2009 at 2:09 am

  Lise- Good for you! its good to do something you want to do, and 7 years is long, but im sure it will all be worthwhile
  Yes u will need tokeep up your strength so each time, u have a negative thought, just think, ‘ i need to do this for university’

  Im going into my second year doing psychology. I go to glasgow university, which is in scotland. its fab.

  where abours are you from?

  x

• 605 Lise-Ann Brennan // Aug 25, 2009 at 3:12 am

  I bet psychology is quite interesting considering the fact that you are struggling with an ED?

  I am hope that pursuing this degree will replace my unhelathy pursuits which my ED makes me strive for!

  I’m in the midlands but know and love Glasgow well, my late aunt lived in Helensborough and my cousin still lives in the suburbs of the city.

  I spent a few happy christmases and weekend in Glasgow, and one very fun new years at the westerwood hotel near Cumbernauld when I was little. And fell in love with One Devonshire gardens whe I was 11!!

  Are you from Glasgow originally?

• 606 aliyah // Aug 25, 2009 at 3:16 am

  Lise- haha yeah its why i chose psychology, i want tohelp others when im older with ed’s.( at the moment anyway haha, mite change my mind) but i really do love psychology. And i remember when i was starting, my parents told me, to use all the energy i used to put in avoiding food, and restricting, into energy to study and stay motivated and wel focused on study, so i did!

  U shud too

  Oh wow its cool u know glasgow, not many people do! Do you come here often?
  Yeahh im a glaswegian girly, born here, lived all mylife here. stay at home with my parents still, and two little bros.

  Do you stay by urself? or r u married or what?
  Have u got bebo or msn or something? would be cool chatting to you, we seem to get on well!

  xx

• 607 Lise-Ann Brennan // Aug 25, 2009 at 3:24 am

  I don’t get up as often any more which is a real shame but once I begin Uni i may have more time and may want to come up to visit some of the buildings etc.
  Thats the same advice i have been given too, use all the determination and power you have shown yourself to have and apply it in a positive and constructive rather than negative and destructive way!
  I moved out in October 2007 for the first time in my life and spent just over a year living alone but I had to admit to myself that it wasn’t right for me at the time (that took a lot of strength to own up to) I moved home in November 2008 and now rent my flat out. I live with my parents but try not to feel bad about being 26 and living at home!! I know its what I need right now and I will be ready to move out again when the time is right but for now I am being honest with myself and realising that I need the support of my family around me right now. I also have a sisiter whos just over a year older than me but lives in London.
  I’m on Skype??

• 608 aliyah // Aug 25, 2009 at 3:38 am

  lise- Thats good you were honest with yourself, and moved back with ur parents! you shouldnt feel bad. eating disorders can be deadly, if u stay on your own, it wud be soo soo hard to stay motivated and not control food, when no one is around, so yeah focus on recovery now Your still young, and have so much going for you, dont let ana get you down now.

  Ah i dont have skype. Its cool, ill just chat to you on this!
  Have u got hotmail though? we cud send emails and stuff to each other… or facebook?

  xx

• 609 Lise-Ann Brennan // Aug 25, 2009 at 3:47 am

  I was on FB but closed my account as it was getting a bit full on with all these people updating their status etc and being friends with hundreds of people I didn’t know!!
  If you pop along to my blog I think you’ll be able to contact me there and I can send you my e-mail
  (liseann.wordpress.com)

• 610 aliyah // Aug 25, 2009 at 4:03 am

  ah oki, i sent u a msg on that, speak to u soon then
  xxx

• 611 Jilly // Aug 25, 2009 at 6:25 am

  ugh. i dont know how im going to do this! its like a fight against myself. i just want to be left alone.

  theres no way i can just not eat a lot like i wish because ill get in trouble with all those monitering me.

  theres no way i CAN regain the weight because i cant just let myself do that because i dont want it!

  every single time i have a day with a normal amount of food i go to bed and start to get furious that i even have to go through with this.

  its also pointless to have my sports as motivation to eat up because the exercise will eventually just make me abcktrack and the dr will restrict it again.

  i just want my life back

• 612 aliyah // Aug 25, 2009 at 8:25 am

  if you want your life back, you have to get ontrack. You need to know that by restricting and listening to a voice, you will not get your life back. If you want a healthy body, healthy mind, plus confidence to be able to go out with friends and eat and not obsess about calories and exercise, you have to let go of the voice.
  And that involves regaining weight, not gaining weight but regain. It sounds scary and horrible, but your also regaining back your life, and that is priceless. You can have the life you want, but its time to move on from a voice, and lok to your future. You dont want to be this way forever.
  and trust me lifeis better without ana.
  use something else to motivate you, imean for me i hated missing out on going out with friends , and not being able to eat what i truely wanted to, so now i can and if eel good about it.

  What do u want in life and ur future? and then tell urself u can achieve it by eaating, and getting stronger, as a person.
  A normal amount of calories for someone in recovery is 3000, so dont feel your over eating.
  food is ur medicine x

• 613 Jan // Aug 25, 2009 at 2:41 pm

  Hello Everyone! Thanks so much nature and aliyah for your wonderful comments, they definitely helped on my trip to Mexico. I just wanted to say that the trip went MUCH better than I’d expected. Most of the time, I followed a meal plan, and ate healthy regular meals, I had so much energy, and my Dad’s controlling ways definitely didn’t bother me as much. Since school ended in July I have gained around 10 pounds. I have also stopped counting my calories and am simply following a healthy meal plan. This has been the biggest struggle of my life, and sometimes I’m not sure how I even accomplished what I have. But to everyone else whose struggling, there is hope at the end of the dark tunnel, success is possible. Life is so beautiful and so worth living! I can’t believe how overjoyed I am! In the beginning, I never thought I would change, I wanted to stay the size I was, and I refused to stop counting calories. But finally I feel a sense of freedom, nothing is better than feeling normal. I know everyone here can beat their eating disorder, keep going, and trust me, recovery is the best feeling in the world!!! thanks to everyone for your support!!

• 614 aliyah // Aug 25, 2009 at 2:45 pm

  jan- well done to you! im so proud! Anything is possible, and i knew you would do it. Stick at it, get to that healthy weight and enjoy your life.
  Its so much better havin energy to do things and being able to enjoy the tastes of food!

  stay free x

• 615 Amy // Aug 25, 2009 at 2:45 pm

  I wish I never had anorexia. I never thought I did…I thought I was just eating healthily. For example I always had my 3 meals and 3 snacks. Therefore I found it hard to accept that I had anorexia. However now I know I did. I wish I didn’t because when I look back I was fine before I started eating ‘healthy foods.’ Now I hate the way I look:( I know I keep saying this but really all the weight gain is on my stomach. Will it definitely redistribute? It just seems while hard to imagine it will but thats what I have to keep telling myself to make me eat. I also thnk my face now is fat:( Sometimes I wish I didn’t start recovery because I was was confident in the way I looked.I feel so uncomfortable in my clothes even:( I try to think positive like if i still had anorexia I wouldn’t be able to go back on my dentistry course at uni. I start back on monday.I will be living away from home so I hope I can still continue to eat as much but I will find it quite hard because I never serve out as big a portion as my mum does for me lol.Im sorry for being so negative:( Suppose if I had continued eating so little I could have died. My heart rate was only 40beats per min so that wasn’t too good and I had neutropenia(low num of white blood cells). I don’t know if I still have it. I must get it checked someday to see if I have recovered by eating more. You are all so nice on this site. Im glad I found it. I have to see a dietician next thursday. Do they do out a meal plan for you?I hope you are all keeping well:) xxx

• 616 aliyah // Aug 25, 2009 at 3:05 pm

  Amy- Hi there welcome. Wer all here to help you on this site. Ive had anorexia and bulimia for over 6 years now, and now im at a recovered stage so yeah i know how u feel.
  Your weight will redistribute- 100% guranteed. It takes time, and effort,and u must maintain a healthy balance of food, not restricting.
  Dietician, will most likely set u out a meal plan, based on what u need to eat in a week to REgain some weight back you lost, annd you must stick to it.
  You have already caused some damage to your body, and like u said ur heartbeat was very low. Anorexia is slow suicide, so do not let it kill you!
  University will be some of the best and imoortant years of your life, dont let ana take it away from you.

  try to stay positive, replace your negative thoughts with positive ones like if u feel fat and horrible, just say, well imunderweight, im not eating enuff, and i know that, so i deserve to eat!

  thats the link for a blog on recovery stages. Mite be of some comfort, i hope so anyway.http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

  all the best x

• 617 aliyah // Aug 25, 2009 at 3:06 pm

  http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

  - sorry dont know if the link worked, but if u paste it into the place where u put websites it shud work!

  xx

• 618 Nature // Aug 26, 2009 at 12:35 pm

  Jan, you have come a long, long way. I am so proud of you! I wish you all the best in your new life, you’ll have a blast of a time, .

  Jilly, everybody has a life, a precious life. You can’t continue on with this, it will rob your life and in the end kill you.

  Think about what you want to accomplish. What do you look forward to? Do you have somebody special in your life? What do you want to do when you are older?

  With an ED, I will assure you that you will not be able to accomplish things as much as without an ED. I’m having a relapse right now (just right after I reached a healthy weight, how stupid is that?!), and I know I CAN’T continue on like this or else I will yet again mess up in school like I did for the last two years. This is NOT the solution to my problems or to anyone who has problems. It is NOT the method you use to cope with stresses and such in your life. I know this because like you, I have been there, done it. It takes away everything from you, and you are left feeling miserable, cold, tired, and with your body clinging on to dear life. Let’s not do this. I know it’s hard, but we can do this. I’ve climbed back up, and so can you. If I’ve done it once, I can do it again.

  Amy, I too wish that I never had anorexia. I think we all do. But do you know what? That is the past. We can’t change it, we can only move on.

  The weight will distribute, guaranteed, like Aliyah said. You just have to keep on eating well. I had a very low heartbeat like yours as well, and it is NOT a good sign. We both know this isn’t the answer, and it will take away your strength to go to university.

  I’m such a hypocrite for giving out advice when I’m having a relapse, eh? But I am really, really trying hard to not let it have control again. It’s just that I’m so stressed right now that I don’t feel like eating, but I will make myself right after I post this.

  The best to all of you,

  Nature.

• 619 aliyah // Aug 26, 2009 at 1:05 pm

  nature- Its natural to feel stressed and frustrated during recovery.
  Just stay strong, and if you must, force yourself to eat because its so so important not to give into the voice.
  In times of stress, you need to not use food as your way of gaiing control.Try writing, talking to others, etc.

  Good luck, keep going you never want to go back a step

  xx

• 620 Nature // Aug 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm

  Thanks, but the stress isn’t really related to eating. Anxiety is getting the best of me nowadays, and it’s affecting my eating. So does depression, but I’m not too, too depressed at the moment. It’s just everything goes hand in hand for me, :X. If I’m anxious, it’ll affect my eating. If I’m depressed, it’ll affect my eating, and if I’m not eating well, it’ll affect my anxiety + depression, :S. Crazy cycle to break out of, but I do try.

  Thanks for the encouragement.

• 621 aliyah // Aug 26, 2009 at 2:04 pm

  ah yeah of course. Yeah its always hard to eat when u feel anxious or sad, but its good ur aware of it, and you can do what your best to, not give in.
  Just remember, feeling are not facts, and if u wanna talk more about whats worrying you, im happy to listen

  stay positive x

• 622 Nature // Aug 26, 2009 at 3:50 pm

  I have no idea why, but it just seems like starving myself now is so much easier than when I was full-on into my eating disorder. I don’t even feel the hunger, and I’m so emotionally distressed that I don’t feel like eating at all.

  I think it’s more of an anxiety issue than an eating issue, but I don’t have a clue as to what it is. Either way, I’m eating very little, and it’s not good. God, can’t believe I’m back to stage 1.

• 623 Jilly // Aug 26, 2009 at 5:01 pm

  i think im getting worse emotionally than when i was eating like 500 calories and running 6 miles. i was totally sane then and now i feel like my life is destroyed completly. i just dont want to eat, just like you nature. im one pound heavier and 5 times more miserable…and i just want to do my sports. i feel trapped.

  i think about myself and how i was exactly 1 yr ago. if i didnt have the dr breathing down my back i would be tarting preseason for field hockey tomarrow and i would be happier than ever. what has happened.

  Im trying to stay positive when im feeling better and i hope you guys do too! this really stinks

• 624 Jan // Aug 26, 2009 at 6:04 pm

  Nature- I couldn’t help but read your last comment and I definitely feel for you. However, although you may feel like you are back at stage one, you’re not. You have more experience now, and are more aware. I know you can push through this, please try to continue to eat more, and in the meantime, try to focus your energy on other things. For example, you could try scrapbooking/cardmaking, or going out with friends. I know that you can get yourself back to being truly healthy again. The calories really aren’t worth it, you need to beat that voice in your head, and remain confident that you can get through this.

  Jilly- I know the beginning can be really really tough at times. But there is so much more to life, and I am just starting to realize that now. Although I only had my eating disorder for around 10 months, I completely understand what you are going through. The first steps are the hardest, seeing the tiny change on the scale can feel devistating at times. However, over time, when you begin to gain some weight back, I guarentee your sports will be ten times more enjoyable. Rather than focusing on burning calories, or losing more weight, you can really focus on the game itself, and the competition. I know that things will get easier for you, over time, the emotional struggles that come along with your eating disorder will lessen, and you will begin to see past the calories and excessive exercise. Keep trying to eat more, and take your time, and make baby steps if you need to. Even the smallest positive change will help. I know that you can do this! Believe me, success is truly possible, and getting to a healthy weight becomes easier as time goes on. Good luck!!

  (well this is my first time giving advice lol, hopefully some of it helps. thanks everyone for your support, it really helped to have your encouragement)

• 625 Nature // Aug 26, 2009 at 10:41 pm

  Jan, thanks so much for your kind words. I really can’t believe I started relapsing a few days back after I JUST reached a healthy weight. This is very, very stupid.

  I don’t even count calories, and I really do think this time why I’m not eating is due to the anxiety/depression. I just feel horrible. I don’t even feel the hunger, and I thought I got my hunger cues back. It’s like my body is shutting down like my emotions.. . However, I do get the voices, too, so it’s like a combination of everything and it’s hitting me real hard this time, :/.

  My mother is more aware now, and she bought a whole bunch of stuff and insisted that we eat together. I came home from my part time job, and she already had my dinner in the oven. I can’t turn her down. I’ll feel too guilty. I need to fight through this.

  Thanks so much for all of your kind words.

• 626 aliyah // Aug 27, 2009 at 2:15 am

  nature- i feel for you too, and its a normal feeling to have when you get to a healthy weight. Just rememeber you still have to get your period back, and you are such a help and inspiration on this site, you give so much good advice and we all need you !
  Like Jan said , you have not gone back a stage, its normal feelings that come, and because ur at a hea;thy weight, ana voices want to attack you. ana can strike at any time. Remember why your doing recovery, for your boyfriend, for your family, for you and you have done so good.
  I think you should do some mechanical eating, making sure u eat 3 meals and some snacks, even if you dont feel hungry, and maybe tell your mum. she is there to help you , so have meals with her.
  At the same time, you say u feel voices are strong, and your body is dealing with so many emotions, so write theem, down and write your thoughts, and then you should see that, restrciting food, is not going to solve any of those feelings or thoughts, just like it never has in the past.

  This phase wil pass, you just need to remind yourself why your doing this. Recovery is emotional, so its good to get all ur feelings out, and at the same time, eat the foods u specially enjoy just now, treat urself, and as you enjoy the taste, tell yourself, you do not deserve death, because anorexia is slow suicide.

  stay happy, stay healthy
  x

• 627 aliyah // Aug 27, 2009 at 2:23 am

  Jilly- I know how hard it is at the initial stages. All you want to do is avoid food, and exercise any caloriesoff. But that is not the answer, thats obsessive ana behaviour, and thats the cycle that must be broken, and thats the hardest part.
  500 calories and exercise, means your body is getting NOTHING. and thats y u feel a sense of control, because you are controlling the tiny amount ur body gets. 500 calories is not enough, not nearly enough. Your mind cant think straight with such little food.You need to eat more, at least 2000 calories a day, and not exercise.
  Excercise prolongs your recovery, it dmages and ruins your body even more, and you could cause it irrevisable damage.

  I think we go thru some stages during recovery, and the only way to get thru it, is to eat a lot of food, and channel your feelings and frustrations in other ways, such as witing on this, talking to a counceler…. etc. You need to think positive, think of how you want yourself to bea ideally, not ill, not obsessive, not counting calories, not forcing yourself to exercise etc. You want to be happy, and healthy and have confidence in yourself. Women are not meant to be stick thin, they are supposed to have some shape and deifinition to their bodies.

  And i know small changes in the scale are scary, but one pound is not noticeable. Even 7 pounds isnt, and your not gaining ANY weight, your just REgaining what you lost.

  Read this blog post, you mite be able to relate to some of it, and stay strong, and eat. You can be free of ana. Eat 3 meals with snacks- mehcanical eating, even if you dont feel hungry, you have to get your metabolism up and running.

  http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

• 628 Lise-Ann Brennan // Aug 28, 2009 at 4:50 am

  Hi Guys

  Nature – How are you doing? I was so sorry to hear you have had a slight blip just as you reached your healthy weight, my counsellor explained to me during one of our sessions that there are typically (thought there is nothing really typical about this disorder!) there are 3 points at which recovering ‘patients’ tend to slip:

  Firstly when they being to regain weight rapidly (mostly due to edema)
  Secondly when they reach a plateau with regain and
  Finally as they approach their goal.

  This final slip is the hardest to relate to ana, many people think they have come so far that there now must be additional reasons for the slip but in most cases its because the disorder is reaching a point where because you are so very close to recovery it comes back with one final stealth attack in an effort to keep its grip on you. I am not suggesting your struggle isn’t related to stress and anxiety at all its just something I found interesting when my counsellor told me about it?!

  Jilly – I would really recommend reading Aliyah’s post it really struck home with me when I read it and reminded me that there are so many urges I have that are in actual fact only my ED talking and not me. If I am honest and really think about why I want to go for a long walk or take the stairs instead of the escalator it always comes back to ana! So if I truly want to eliminate this horrible disorder I have to stop following ana’s rules!! I know it is hard at first and its so easy to think things were clearer when you were restricting but that’s not real. I lost touch with what’s real and what true happiness is, I thought I was happy when I was restricting and exercising but all I was really feeling was relief that I had satisfied my EDs requirements!! There is SO much more to life than that and as hard as it is to fight this I am trying to remind myself that it is going to be SO worth it!

  Right now I am struggling like Nature with anxiety. I am about to go to University for the first time in my life at 26! I am leaving work next Friday and it will be the first time in 8 years I won’t be receiving a regular salary!! I still have to pay a mortgage but thankfully I have a tenant who rents my flat so that’s covered for now but I am still petrified about money running short and this fear is a real risk to my recovery as it would be easy to deal with it by controlling my food! I don’t know how else to tackle it but I have to find another way????

• 629 Nature // Aug 28, 2009 at 4:28 pm

  Lise-Ann, that is very interesting. I never thought about it that way, and it is definitely hard for me to even think that this is anorexia related…

  I just hope I can climb out of this hole (even though it’s only been going on for five days) whether it is anorexia or not since it is NOT good for myself. I don’t really understand why I don’t feel the hunger, and in fact, I don’t even count the calories. I’m eating very little, though. *Sigh*, this is really a long road.

• 630 Lise-Ann // Aug 29, 2009 at 12:27 am

  Hi Nature

  I feel for you I really do, you are right this is such a long and bumpy road.
  Perhaps for the time being while your hunger is it seems off on vacation!! you should try and eat food that will give you the most nutritional calorific beneift in the smallest amounts that way you will be able to keep your energy and strength up without feeling too stuffed.
  Then hopefully by eating through this challenging time you will resart your hunger cues?!
  Try some smoothies made with full fat ice cream or yougurt, or perhaps some avacado or cheese those kind of things, you won’t need as much of these to meet your calorific requirments as you would say a plate of vegetables!
  Push the boundraies a little and see how it goes, be kind to yourself and try and address the anxieties true cause.
  xx

• 631 Nature // Aug 29, 2009 at 2:43 pm

  Thank you everyone for your kind support. I really don’t know what got to me, and I am really ashamed of myself.

  My hunger cues do seem to be off on vacation, and I thought I got them back but perhaps not… It is very confusing to understand my body. When I was regaining weight, I thought I felt them, but poof! They’re gone now. I have work at my part time job soon, and I brought money to buy food with.

  I honestly do try, but it’s just that I can’t do it. It’s like food is my emotions, and I don’t want to face it. I know where the anxiety stems from, but it is out of my control since it stems from other people.

  My mood is crazy right now. I was down for 5 days, and woop, it went normal today. I managed to eat a bagel this morning. I really don’t understand myself at times. I was prescribed Prozac for my depression, but it didn’t work so I went off of it. I am relatively well, but I might consider taking another medication just to stop having the crazy ups and downs. Have any of you taken medication for stabilizing your mood?

  Thanks once again.

• 632 Lise-Ann // Aug 30, 2009 at 5:51 am

  Hi Nature

  Never forget how far you have come and that its ok to be struggling this is not an easy disorder to combat, and it will take time.

  My doctor suggested I take a mood regulator or SSRI which I was completely against at first. I hated the idea of needing to take a anti depressant as I felt there was a stigma attached to it. However I hadn’t realised just how anxious I was going to feel about eating and so i spoke to a few people to get some other opinions and I actually discovered that its far more common to take SSRIs than I had thought. I found out a guy I work with took the very one I was being described and found it really helpful, as for the stigma, as he put it ‘if you had a headache you’d take an asprin so why not take the SSRI if it will help?!’

  I have been taking a 20mg dose of a medication called Fluoxetine every day for just over two months now, I haven’t noticed a drastic shift in mood but I certainly don’t feel as low as i used to, I can’t say how much of this is down to the fluoxetine and how much is down to simply having more energy from eating sensibly but either way it certainly hasn’t done me any harm!

• 633 Nature // Aug 30, 2009 at 9:56 pm

  Lise-Ann, that is exactly the medication I was on at exactly the same dose. Prozac is just a more common name for it around where I come from. I was on it for over three months, and it really didn’t do anything for me.

  I’m okay right now I suppose, but I really don’t know if my mood will crash again or not. Hopefully the latter!

• 634 Lise-Ann // Aug 31, 2009 at 6:02 am

  Hi Nature
  I think it is a common prescription for recovering patients, as I say I don’t notice any significant changes but then I don’t know how I would feel about the amount I am now eating if I wasn’t taking it so i’m just sticking with it on the basis that its not causing any noticeable negative side effects!
  I hope you can keep your mood up honey, just remember its all in your control you choose to see things in a positive way so when you are feeling down try and find something to lift you and once your mood starts to pick up build on that and keep going, Even a simple smile can help, it might feel forced and fake but it can make you feel better if you stick with it! And don’t let your eating suffer, if you can keep eating through this tough time you can eat through easier times with more strength!
  XX

• 635 aliyah // Aug 31, 2009 at 12:08 pm

  nature- we are all here for you.
  Just try mechanical eating, and high cal foods. I know you may not feel hungry, and your emotions overwhelming, but dont go back to a time when ur body was miserable and so deprived. Dont ever let ana thoughts sneak back in. You have come so far, and you gained so much, u give such helpful advice.Have u spoken to any of your psychologists about it? are u still having family therapy?

  It might help just to talk about how u feel, let it all out in the open.
  But dont let feelings takeover facts- We need food , your body needs it, eat the foods u like the taste of and look around u and see how much everyone else is eating, u need to keep up ur energy specially sinceu have a job.

  Since you have mood changes often, you shud try some multi vitamins, and eat foods that naturally increase ur serotonin levels- tahts foods like carbs like pasta, rice, crackers , cereal and fruit, nuts and fishcan naturally increase ur serotonin and so u shud feel a bit better. Sweets and chcolates too

  xxx happy and healthy xxx

• 636 Nature // Aug 31, 2009 at 4:27 pm

  Thanks Lise-Ann and Aliyah.

  Ugh, I forgot diet was very important for mood. This really is a double whammy for me, .

  I’m eating more, but I’m not eating well. I can’t find my complete meal plan (how stupid can I get to lose that?!), and I have no idea what I’m supposed to eat at what amounts… God, I really need to pay more attention and learn from my mistakes for a change.

  I get to see my doc + nutritionist on Thursday, so I’ll get my meal plan sheet back. I also get to see a therapist for my depression so I’ll see how that goes as well.

  Thanks so much for all your support.

• 637 aliyah // Sep 1, 2009 at 2:09 am

  nature- no probs.
  Let us know how the sessions go, and just do ur best to eat.
  You shud be able to tell roughly how much u need from memory, but 3 meals and snacks, high cal ones. U willf eel better soon

  xx

• 638 Lise-Ann Brennan // Sep 1, 2009 at 6:55 am

  Hi again!

  Hope everyones doing OK, Aliyah how was the festival?

  I was wondering if anyone has come across a symptom known as merycism or rumination during their illness/recovery?

• 639 Laurie // Sep 1, 2009 at 9:38 am

  Lise-Ann-
  I’m sorry for the late reply .. been away. I have been on Prozac in the past then switched to wellbutrin/bupropion and like it much better.
  I have also tried Lexapro and didn’t like the side effects. I believe each medication effects every person differently.
  I suffer from depression and anxiety also. The meds seem to help.

  Although you wouldn’t know it by seeing me the last week. I made the mistake of getting on the scale. After being laid up on the couch due to the surgery my curiousity got the best of me and I have gained much more that even I had imagined.
  So in comes the depression full force.
  I start school teaching asst. on Thurs. . that’s where the anxiety comes in.

  After burying my best friends father this week..you would think I’d have had a reality slap and gotten my priorities straight.

  I know I am more than that number . But it is all consuming to lose that 10 lbs also. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I feel like a hypocrite allowing all of my family and friends to believe that all is well with me.
  I am just afraid they will tire of all of this. I know I am tired of it. Too tired as a matter of fact. I am sick of the head games.

  sorry .. just needed a place to vent ..where someone would at least understand the intense inner pain that you feel at times.
  Laurie

• 640 aliyah // Sep 1, 2009 at 9:45 am

  laurie- Hi, im sorry to hear ur having a hard time.
  In times like this, its too easy and so easy to use food, but that is not the answer.
  what u really have to ask urself,is what u wud gain from losing that ten pounds. And really u gain nothing, if u lost the weight, u wud still feel bad about urself.

  Like u said, u are tired of this, and you have the power to rid urself of it, think of ur children, you want to be their role model.
  Dont go bak to any ana routines, keep eating as u have been. You have only regained bak some weight, and I bet u actually look so much better.

  be strong, the voices will get less, i promise thre is only one way to do it. You must keep eating and as ur mind gets healthy, u will not feel as bad.
  Dont give urself a hard time, u have done nothing wrong.

  x

• 641 aliyah // Sep 1, 2009 at 9:47 am

  lise- hiya! ill send u an email soon maybe 2moro.
  Ive been good, n the festival was awesome! Had such a good time, except the part i had to go to first aid cause i drank too much alcohol!

  hope all is well with you, keep up the eating.

  xx

• 642 Nature // Sep 1, 2009 at 9:50 am

  Laurie, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a rough patch. It really is a killer when the stupid depression kicks in and anxiety for that matter as well.

  It’s easy to say, but I don’t think you should worry too much of the weight gain. I myself do practically nothing except for work on the weekends and I ate well for a few months. I regained weight back, and my weight stabled off.

  Once your job starts, you’ll be out all day + walking around at times so you really do need food. I myself will have to try very hard to keep up with school life as a student since I cannot afford another mess up. Physical Education is mandatory in my country and we also need to exercise 150 minutes per week in total I think. Government made those changes, and I really was aghast by it.

  On the brighter note, I am eating more. I will just have to keep up the effort!

• 643 Lise-Ann Brennan // Sep 2, 2009 at 1:37 am

  Hi agian

  I’m seeing my dietician today and i’m rather nervous as I’m not sure what the outcome will be of my past few weeks of eating, mostly on plan but with a few restrictive days which I haven’t told mum about and for that I feel just terrible. If the scales haven’t gone up enough she’ll quite naturally assume I need more so I’ve really gone and shot myself in the foot there! Its to late to tell her now it would break her heart.
  I’m also really nervous about my holiday next week, we had a bank holiday here on Monday and that was just one day out of routine mode and i found it hard so two weeks with no structure to my days is daunting!
  Above all I am just feeling so bad about lying to mum and I hate this feeling so the only way to avoid it is not to lie anymore!
  I’m also going to ask about the rumination syndrome i mentioned before and see if she has come across it before.

• 644 Nature // Sep 2, 2009 at 4:58 am

  Hi Lise-Ann.

  It’s not lying. It’s just “not telling”. If you were lying, it would be your mother asking you if you had a restrictive day and then saying, “no, I haven’t.” You haven’t lied, so don’t worry!!! Everybody keeps things to themselves at times.

  As for the rumination syndrome, I have it at times. It comes and goes for me. It could be that you have acid reflux due to a hiatus hernia, which isn’t too serious in the majority of the cases. You can go check it out with a doctor if it bothers you very much.

  As for the vacation, don’t sweat! You’ll never know what it’ll be like until you go through those weeks, haha. I think us people have a tendency to predict the future based on past negative experiences, .

  What I would suggest is to tell your mother that you are worried about the long vacation without the structure. It seems like you are very close to her, and that she is very understanding. If you cannot confide in her, you can question your nutritionist as to what to do during that time span. She/he should be helpful. Do you have a meal plan? Try to follow it as much as you can, and as Aliyah have said many a times before, food is your medicine! ‘Tis very good for you, and even better with a higher dosage, haha!

  Good luck, and keep us updated!

• 645 Lise-Ann Brennan // Sep 2, 2009 at 6:33 am

  Thanks Nature I’m glad to know I am not alone in it I spoke to my dietician and we agreed its likely to be an anxiety thing so i’m going to try and be concious of it and prevent it from happening as much as possible!

  I have spoken to mum to and shes up to speed with my concerns so I’m not facing this alone now and feel better that I’ve shared the concern. You’re right though about basing future events on past negative experineces!!

  I go in a week and fully intend to leave as much of my ED at the check in desk as possible!!

  I have just come back to work though and had a blazing row with one of the guys who is just so rude here, he made me so angry and said some really nasty things and its stressed me out compltetly, I hate myself for doing it but when things like this happen I end up assuming everyone he speaks to from now on is going to side with him and he’ll trun them all against me he’s that kind of nasty person. The worst part is I’ve just started to get freindly with a really nice new chap on our floor and I’m convinced he’ll try and mess that up thast the kind of thing he’d do!! I leave on Friday at least but he’s also the one organising my leaving drinks!!
  I really wish I had more faith in myself to know I was within my rights to stand up to him today but i feel lile I’m in the worng!!

  Ugh sorry I’m being a real moan today!

• 646 aliyah // Sep 2, 2009 at 6:40 am

  Lise- havin no structure is hard its one of the difficult stages of recovery, but u will get through it. Just remember, anyone who doesnt suffer an ed, dont eat at the same tmes every day, and each day will vary a little.
  This is just one step closer to gettin that healthy relationship back with food
  Dnt think about it too much, and enjoy ur holiday,its not like uron ur own. Your mum will be there, and like nature said u shud confide in her, tell her ur worries.

  Like nature said, ask the nutrionist any questions, but if she makes u a meal plan, u can follow that on ur holiday.

  i know its not a nice feeling, when u feel u keep things from ur mum, and that guilty feeling is the real you, ana doesnt care who u lie to, as long as u listen to it. Dont beat urself up over it though, and try to be as truthful as u can about ana, because in the long term its for ur benefit,

  if u have internet connecttion on holiday do come online on this and post and send me an email soon too, uno im alwayshappy to listen.

  Take care, and be strong.
  Keep eating, your not a number, your a person.

  x

• 647 aliyah // Sep 2, 2009 at 6:43 am

  p.s. we all have crapdays, and this guy at ur work sounds horrible!
  Push it away out ur mind. im sure he wont mess up anything with that guy ur becoming friendly with.
  if he says anything agen, u shud stand up to him, and tel him hes acting like a little child and needs to growup, then just walk away and let him get annoyed!

  x

• 648 Nature // Sep 2, 2009 at 7:17 am

  Ugh, that guy from work sounds like a bum. If he harasses you a lot, go tell your boss. Somebody for sure will take care of him if he is a big problem.

  And rofl, great advice, Aliyah. That would take a big chunk out of his ego, .

  As for your male friend you’re getting friendly with, try not to worry. If you’ve been getting along well for a while, he is not going to throw you away just because a madman tells him something crazy and SO untrue!

• 649 Lise-Ann Brennan // Sep 2, 2009 at 7:38 am

  Thanks Nature

  Big ole jerk indeed!! I only have face him for two more days though and I am going to be the bigger person here. My boss is just as bad, there are only 3 of us in the office and it has felt like its everyman for himself since I joined. they are very false and selfish in everything they do so I’m glad to be getting out!!

  How are you doing nature, things stil going OK?

  I had a really enlightening chat with my dietician today, we were looking at the truth behind calories counting and how innaccurate it is!!

• 650 Chelsea // Sep 2, 2009 at 7:45 am

  Lise-Ann have a great time in Anna Maria island. I love it there, have only been once, but my family goes to Siesta Key not far from there all the time.

  I know that feeling about hiding your mess ups from your parents, therapists, dietitians, etc. It is something I really need to stop because like you said, if you go to the dietitian and haven’t gained then she just assumes she needs to bump up your plan and then it is even harder to follow the plan.

  I have a question for everyone…how do you incorporate alcohol into your plans? This weekend is the weekend before classes start at my university and it is always a party weekend. I want to be able to enjoy it, go out with my friends, and have a couple of drinks but I always find myself either restricting my food during the day before I go out or if I don’t restrict I find that I can’t let myself enjoy a few drinks. What is your best advice?

• 651 aliyah // Sep 2, 2009 at 7:53 am

  chelsea- i understand how hard it can be to , try and incorporate extra calories. But your really need to do ur best to not restrict because ur ending up damaging ur body that way especiaslly ur liver. I think the best way to do it is to make sure u eat before u drink alcohol, and just have maybe one or two drinks sthe first time. when u feel comfortable with that, then next time, have more.
  But really whn u buy the drinks, dont think about calories or whatever, just think this is proving im stronger than ana.

  good luck, socialising is a big part of uni and u are doing the right thing by not depriving urself of it, and havin the confidence to go. But just dont deprive ur body.

  Its just about havin a balance, incorporate it into your normal food intake. a few drinks is going to make any difference to ur body x

• 652 Lise-Ann Brennan // Sep 2, 2009 at 7:54 am

  Hi Chelsea

  Wow Aliyah and I have just been discussing alcohol!! – I gave it up completely as I was always wary of it (I hate being sick and was always scared it would make me throw up!!) I have started drink in the last year though but at first I was like you I felt I needed to earn it!! Now its easier which I think just came with time but I am still more aware of my food on days when I plan to have a drink so I’d be interested to hear any other opinions on this too. I only really have a drink at the weekends at the moment and when I do drink I’ll only usually be able to manage a few galsses, but even that can make me feel quite inebriated and also has the ability to weaken my ED thoughts and I am concious that I need to be aware of that so that I don’t turn to drink as an escape route!

• 653 Nature // Sep 2, 2009 at 11:50 am

  I can’t really give any sound advice on this topic since I’m underage and haven’t touched a drop of alcohol in my life so to speak, LOL. However, since everybody has a different level of alcohol tolerance, I think it’s best for you to try and remember how much you used to drink on special occasions and whatnot before you had an ED. If you started drinking while having the ED, I agree with what Aliyah said; pace yourself. Have a sip, finish half your glass, then drink the rest, and see how you feel.

  I have NEVER in my life seen anyone not eating their meal to have their alcohol in my life!! Alcohol is a special extra to the meal, I suppose (again I have no clue because I’ve never experienced it, haha). But yeah, never have I seen someone do that. So why in the world should you when others don’t? It’s not like you have it every day so go for it! I hope you both don’t have a hangover or end up throwing up, though, .

• 654 isabella mori // Sep 3, 2009 at 2:12 pm

  hello good people!

  i have a question. back in may, i did a series of image posts on unconventionally beautiful women. one of them is of a woman who is overweight. i’d be interested what your (honest!) opinion is. here is the post

  http://www.moritherapy.org/article/rubenesque-on-a-wordless-wednesday

  thanks!

• 655 jilly // Sep 3, 2009 at 5:39 pm

  hello girls! my computer was being repaired for the week…

  things are still good…then horrible..the ok..then badish..etc etc etc. the new thing is im seeing a therepist who is a bit strange…she holds realllllly awkwardly long silences between questions and her advice just seems a bit cheesy…not too helpful so far

  the only way i think i can “recover” is by being involved in sports. i would be glad to fuel myself for a workout and i wouldnt mind gaining weight as i would look at it as muscle! do you think i could convinse my dr???

  school has started and i cant go on without my after school sport or else i will go insane. end of story

• 656 aliyah // Sep 4, 2009 at 3:21 am

  jilly- Hiya are u still underweight? if u are then exercise is not the answer. In fact itll do more harm to you, than u can imagine, because ur body needs to be fit and healthy before u strain it in exercise.
  In councelin, usually theres supposed to be silences , its just time for reflection and thinking, and generally its up to you to talk and open up. The more u taalk and be honest though, the more it will help you.

  ino u want to exercise, but really why do u? is it so u can ‘control’ ur body, and restrict, and secretly lose weight? or is it really a genuine loveof sport.
  Whatever the case, try to eat well and keep up ur strenght. Food is the medicine
  xx

• 657 jilly // Sep 4, 2009 at 5:13 am

  hey again, yea, im pretty underweight. ( i have a bmi of around 15.6-15.7… however, i am also naturally thin, too. I truely just want to be able to be fit. i like to be in control of my body, but any human would. exercise really revives me, but it bothers me how i know i will be monitored, so i will have to be extra careful.

  the number one thing that bothers me everyday is how so many girl athletes are underweight and im not allowed to be! it is inevidable that if you work out a lot and are naturally slender that you will not be having extra fat on you! its not fair how other girls can be left alone about it and i just cant be. Im a tough girl and im very strong. also, i didnt have any signs of internal damage!

  One more question i have is: How the heck do all those thousands of skinny models get away with being undeweight? why dont they get in trouble?!?! they get to be comfortable with the shape they want but i have to gain weight because thats what is accepted…

  im not saying its alright to be very thin just because others are (because its not ok to do many things just because others are), but i dont understand why i cant choose to be this size because i feel great. theres no way id want to lose weight though! id rather look strong!

• 658 aliyah // Sep 4, 2009 at 10:45 am

  jilly- I know what u mean, i used to have thoise same thoughts, I would be like, why am i not allowed to be skinny, why are models and athletes allowed. And the answer really is, well athletes dont have ana thughts, theyre doing it because its their job.
  Models, well thats a whole different story, most of them have ed’s, are ill, and a lot have died! Its not a nice life, but sadly their job is to be very slim. But it doesnt look nice, it looks horrible, and un natural.

  that is not how u want to look, and the difference is that u have ana thoughts, and ur comparing urself to them, which u shuldnt because ur body is different, each body is different.u can chose to be slim, and healthy thats fine, but not if ur doing it in controlling ways, obsessing over calories.
  Plus ur BMI is very low, and thats a starvation mode, where if you dont eat enough, ur body will start to eat itself.

  i think u shud aim to regain some weight, get ur bmi up, then t hink abotu exercise. If u lose weight, ur body will suffer, and it wont even have the energy to do any exercise.
  feelings like urs towards exercise is normal during recovery

  http://www.moritherapy.org/article/recovering-from-anorexia-overcoming-the-obstacles/

  i wrote about part of it on the blog.

  Food is ur energy and medicine , stay strong xxx

• 659 Nature // Sep 5, 2009 at 10:12 am

  Jilly, you can still be experiencing internal damage even though you may have not had signs yet.

  Reread your post. It seems to me like it’s all ED talking. If it was truly only about you loving exercise and wanting to do it, it would not matter how much you weighed! If you love exercise, and the doctor said you should gain some weight or else he won’t allow you, you would gain some weight since you love exercise.

  Many models have eating disorders themselves, and many end up dying! Athletes are very slim/muscled because they work out almost every day of the week to keep their body in tune. However, they eat very, very well.

  Not eating and exercising can’t go hand in hand. It’s like trying to run a car without gas in it.

  I wish you the best.

• 660 Lise-Ann // Sep 6, 2009 at 3:12 am

  Jilly, I have to agree with the advice from both Nature and Aliyah.

  Comparing yourself to others is never going to make you comfortable with who YOU are! as nature points out athletes eat an incredible amount of food in order to fuel their bodies so they can cope with the amount of exercise they do, if you are not eating enough your body will begin to breakdown under the pressure.

  I also agree with Nature, if you do love exercise for the right, non ED reasons then you won’t let eating stop you from doing it!

  Its hard to know where ED thoughts stop and healthy thoughts start sometimes. I used to be obsessed with exercise too. I was a member of numerous gyms and couldn’t even go on holiday unless I had access to some sort of exercise equipment or gym. I was forever telling people how much i enjoyed it but in reality I was just trying to convince myself more than anyone! I realised the anxiety I felt before a work out or if I thought I wasn’t going to get to the gym, was not pleasant and that actually I didn’t enjoy any of it, I was simply doing it to avoid the guilty punishing thoughts my ED would throw at me if I didn’t exercise.

  Giving up my gym membership was something I never thought I could do, I thought it would mean I was weak/lazy etc, but you know what, quitting exercise until I’m healthy again was the strongest thing I could do, it was worth a million workouts!!

  Yea I struggle with thoughts that I should be following the guidelines that the media ram down our throats all the time, but you know what, no one told me to become this thin I choose that so I can choose to get well too, I don’t need to follow the rules of a mass media culture I can take what works for me and find my own way. We are all unique as Aliyah says, so try not to compare yourself and don’t take what the media/government say as gospel its only a guide line!

  Take care of you and listen to your body, it knows whats best!
  x

• 661 Lise-Ann // Sep 6, 2009 at 9:50 am

  Hi Guys

  I’m struggling with some concerns about going on hoilday this week. I fly to the USA on Wednesday for 2 weeks. I’m not too worried about the food while we’re away as we plan to ear in alot and mum’s very aware of my concerns so we are going to split large portions if we go out.

  My concern however is that I will feel really uncomfortable in myself because since I began eating more in recovery I have suffered with the normal recovery side affect of bloating! I know its part of the adjustment as my stomach gets used to having more food in it and I am trying to cope with it as best I can but I don’t think I will be able to cope as well when I’m in swimwear all day! I hate the way my tummy looks by the end of the day and its really dangerous to focus on it too much as it can feed the ana thoughts.

  I can’t explain it but I know I have to gain weight to get well and I know it will happen gradually and in isolated areas until my body is sure I am not going to starve it again, but it is still very hard to accept, I sometimes wish i could go to sleep and wake up the health weight I want to be without having to go through the regain phase!!

  I could really do with some help with how I might cope being in bikins and swimsuits and not feeling unhappy with my body. I know I told Jilly not to in my last post but its hard not to look around and compare yourself to others. I have low self esteem at the best of times and i think it will only get worse while I’m away. I’m already dreading the inflight food!!

• 662 Amy // Sep 6, 2009 at 10:01 am

  Hello Lise-Ann,
  I know exactly how you feel. All my weight gain has gone to my stomach.I went on holiday recently and was feeling the same as you. However I still wore a bikini and just thought hopefully by this time next year when im on holiday again my weight will have redistributed. I just told yself I didn’t mind the way I looked and it will just be a phase I have to go through. You should just enjoy yourself!! Your on the right path!I enjoyed my holiday by trying not to worry about the way I looked. I had ice cream like everyday and it was great not restricting. You are so lucky to be getting away! I start back at uni this week.I hope you have an amazing holiday huni.xxx

• 663 Lise-Ann // Sep 6, 2009 at 10:46 am

  Hi Amy
  Thanks for your kind advice.
  I’m going to be starting uni when I get back for the 1st time at 26!! So this is likely to be the last time I can afford to go away! I guess thats even more reason to enjoy myself and not restrict.
  I keep getting my ana thoughts that allways crop up before holidays such as….. you need to look good when you get back so don’t overdo it while your away etc!!

• 664 aliyah // Sep 6, 2009 at 12:58 pm

  lise- I understand ur concerns, and it is hard and frustrating and u just want to wake up and everything to be all ok.
  But in all honesty, what u regain, will not be that noticeable, and it certainlylis not goin to make u look fat and horrible, and make it seem that everyones staring.
  The bloatedness is sadly part of it, i suggest having natural yoghurt, and lots of water to help deal with it. apart from that if u get very self concious about ur tummy, take a sarong, or vest tops that u can change into etc. U can always carry them in a bach bag and apart from that enjoy the sun and getting a nice tan!

  Every other girl around u is different and unque, and ur not supposed to look the same as them. Focus on the parts of ur body u do like, and keep remining urself that no ones judging u or staring at u.

  in the time ur away on holiday, ino ur goin to get ana thoughts scareaming at u to resist food and not eat so much- do not give into it, and i promise u wnt regain that much weight. Anything u do regain wont be that noticeable honest to god. Women usuallu flunctuate regulary, and see when a woman is on her period sometimes weight can go up by half a stone, due to water retention etc, and it doesnt make her look any different!

  Dont fret and remember ur not alone. Its fab uvetackled the food fears!

  proud of u xx

• 665 Jan // Sep 6, 2009 at 1:50 pm

  Hello Lise-Ann, I had similar concerns to you when I went away to San Diego with my mother, and Mexico with my father over the summer. Before I went on the San Diego trip, I was very underweight, and was very resistant to gaining weight over the trip because I thought my body was perfect the way it was. Over my San Diego trip I did gain about 8 pounds but only because I ate VERY large portions. When I look back on the pictures from the trip, I am actually dissappointed with the way I looked (no wonder I didn’t have any guys checking me out on the beach) all I saw were bones. Realistically, if you gain any weight at all on your trip, the only thing it’s going to do is improve your looks, and make you look healthier. I know the bloating can be hard to deal with at times, and if you feel self concious about it, try taking a step back from the situation. In reality, you are probably slimmer than the majority of the people there, and this bloating is only temporary. Try not to fucus on it, and try focusing on maybe your inner beauty, or something else like how much you like your facial features.

  When I later went to Mexico with my Dad, we were at an all inclusive resort and I was terrified! However, my eating was not a problem! I simply ate well balanced meals, and didn’t gain any weight at all. It is completely up to you how you choose to eat but try to view your looks and situation from an outsiders perspective and maybe that will help you not to be so hard on yourself because you will still be gorgeous no matter what! hope that helps, and keep going, I know you can beat this! best of luck!

• 666 Nature // Sep 6, 2009 at 11:02 pm

  Awwww, Lise-Ann, I know how you feel.. we know how you feel!

  I was horrified of going on vacation when I had my ED as well. Many things can trigger me still so I do have to be VERY careful.

  However, you did great on your last trip! I know it’s easier said than done, but like Jan and Aliyah and even yourself said, this is about you, hunny. Everybody is different, and that is how we are supposed to be.

  I agree with Aliyah. Yogurt and water helps A LOT with bloating. It did for me, anyway. And as for your concern about the weight going to the stomach, NOBODY (I pinky swear) notices it except yourself.

  Enjoy these last few weeks of summer, and once you come back from it, look at it as a new starting point as Aliyah has told me before. Welcome to your new, better life! Enjoy the ride, .

• 667 Nature // Sep 7, 2009 at 12:58 pm

  Hey guys!

  I just wanted to update you all on how I’ve been doing since it seems like I kept on talking and encouraging but never shared what has been going on with me, XD.

  So aside from the little ditch I fell in last time, I have managed to climb back out and I’ve been doing great, . Somehow all my anxiety issues have sorted itself out with time, loool. It’s amazing how much we can worry in a short span of time!

  And today my mother was being very negative, but my entire attitude was like, “You’re not going to affect me like you have before,” and it was literally amazing to feel so free and in control of my own emotions!

  I also went shopping for my lunch and rode on my bike for the first time in so many months! It felt really, really good, and even though I’m so unfit now since I’ve done nothing for like five months, haha, it felt really good. It was only about 2km, but it was fun and refreshing, ^^.

  Tomorrow school will start for me, and I am a bit worried, but I can only hope that I’ll be strong enough and make it through with the little but existing positivity around me that I receive from you all and my boyfriend, .

  I hope you all have enjoyed/are enjoying your summer, ^^.

• 668 aliyah // Sep 7, 2009 at 1:03 pm

  nature- woop! we all knew ud overcome your phase of negativitiy and im so glad u feel better and stronger and more in control
  I hope u can see that food doesnt need to be controlled in order for u to feel in control.
  So proud u stuck by it, and didnt go bak to old ana ways, and u fought hard.

  Good times will come ahead, and dont worry about school im sure itll all be fab!
  Just smile ur way thru any bad times, theres always a light at the end of the tunnel.

  I go bak to uni in two weeks, im excited byt at the same times, not lookin foward to early mornings, lots of stress and work to do, BUT im happy because ino i dont need food to help me control things in life.

  Life is good

  x

• 669 Nature // Sep 8, 2009 at 11:11 pm

  Hey everyone. How are you all?

  I just started school today, and I feel so stressed out and glum, . I forgot how tiring it actually was to walk all over the place, up and down the stairs, etc. to my classrooms…. And I haven’t properly attended school for a few months now because I was badly depressed + had my ED really badly back then.

  Just a few months ago, I started having panic attack like episodes… and I am REALLY frightened of those. I mean, it’s not like I get them every week, but they pop out here and then, sometimes out of nowhere, and I’m literally freaking out right now just by thinking about them!

  It’s just that school is time consuming, and since I’m not a morning person, I’m really slow… I couldn’t even find time to eat breakfast this morning, >.<. I had to wait like four hours just to eat something, and I got REALLY cranky because I know food is so important!!!!

  Ugh, I'm such a baby. I wish I could just grow up and get over it, :/…

• 670 Nature // Sep 8, 2009 at 11:18 pm

  Hey everyone. How are you all?

  I just started school today, and I feel so stressed out and glum, . I forgot how tiring it actually was to walk all over the place, up and down the stairs, etc. to my classrooms…. And I haven’t properly attended school for a few months now because I was badly depressed + had my ED

• 671 aliyah // Sep 9, 2009 at 3:37 am

  nature- its always a shock to the system going back to school. im going bak in two weeks and ino its gna be a suprise, all the walking and the long days, and ive had a longgg summer so its going to be a bit weird.
  Butt u did it, so well done, and try to stay positive. all the extra walking about requires extra foood, so make sure u have the energy to get thru ur day.
  Apart from that enjoy being at school, and making friends! thats the best part, and socialising, and learning , and be proud that ur well enough to look after urself

  x

• 672 Nature // Sep 9, 2009 at 7:51 am

  Ugh, it got cut off, but thank you Aliyah, :/.

  It’s just that I started to get panic attack like episodes recently. It doesn’t happen every week or anything like that, but they do pop out of nowhere, :/. I went through a tiny one yesterday at school, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there!!!

  I also forgot how time consuming school is, and as I’m not a morning person, I am really slow… and I couldn’t find time to eat breakfast. I got REALLY cranky afterward because I didn’t get food for like four hours or so, >.<.

• 673 aliyah // Sep 9, 2009 at 8:22 am

  oh yeah panic attacks are horrible, and i know quite a few people including my dad who suffers from them. the problem with anxiety that just comes out of nowhere is that it always has a root, its coming from somewhere, some hidden worry or whatever.

  The best thing to do it, get up early rnough in time for breakfast and have something thatll keep u going all morning like cereal and a cup of coffee or whatever. If u dont have time, make sure u take something with you like a banana and a cereal bar.

  good luck with school x

• 674 amy // Sep 9, 2009 at 11:42 am

  I have started back at uni and am also finding it very tiring and stressful. Im thinking of going to a councellor about it but I am too shy. I have been doinmg A LOT of walking this past week and feel so tired in the evenings:( I feel so unfit from not being allowed to exercise. I can’t wait to start running again if they will let me. My weight still has not redistributed. It has been 4 months! I feel im gona be stuck like this forever:( I hate the way I look. I used to be ok with the way that I looked before recovery:( Im so sad at the moment.I miss home so much

• 675 aliyah // Sep 9, 2009 at 11:59 am

  amy- i feel for you. Im also a uni student, and so i know how tough it can be, all the work plus the walking about and long days. its very tiring.
  Your weight will redisutribute! It takkes time, a few more months. the time it takes will vary slightly for each body, mines hasnt all redistributed either but i know it will. trust me
  You certainly look a lot better than before recovery, thats when u looked ill , and skeletal. that is NOT good look, women are supposed to have curves and some body on them. just stick by it.

  you shud try and feel good about urself, go out to uni events, socialise, etc. Uni is so good, and ur ur lucky to be at uni, so enjoy the hardest but fun years of life

  what are u studying agen?
  xx

• 676 Nature // Sep 9, 2009 at 6:49 pm

  Thanks Aliyah. It wasn’t so awful today. It’s crazy how much I can worry and whatnot.

  Today the ED got me a bit during the morning especially when I was freaking out, :/. I was just like, “Why should *I* have to eat a big breakfast like clinic suggested me (protein, carb, dairy) while other teenagers don’t even bother? So I ended up not eating, but taking a granola bar during my ride to school because I felt so bad about my boyfriend.

  It gets my boyfriend frustrated a lot when I sink into my ED habits + depression, and I was wondering how you handled the frustration your boyfriend may have felt when you were earlier in your recovery? It’s not like he yells or gets mad, but he just gets stressed and worried a lot that I may fall back so deeply again. I know he cares a lot, but it hurts me a lot to see him concerned, uncertain, and frustrated about it as well.

  I am eating enough in calories today, but didn’t have a good start. I really need to put in more effort, and I don’t want to fall back for the sake of my partner because it hurts me when he’s hurt. When I asked him why I had to eat a bigger breakfast when others don’t, he stated that it’s true they don’t bother, so I asked him if he bothered. Then he told me that if I was going to copy his eating habits, then I’d have to fill my cereal ALL the way to the top of the bowl like he does! :O

  Well, I looked at what other kids were eating today, and it seemed like the majority of the kids were eating a lot more than me, :/. I guess I just have to allow myself to eat more… or snack more along the way.

• 677 Amy // Sep 10, 2009 at 3:00 am

  Hey/ Thanks that really helped me to think positive:) Thank u so much. Im at uni at Queens university Belfast. ur at glasgow arnt u? How r u getting on. What course r u doing? xxx

• 678 aliyah // Sep 10, 2009 at 3:13 am

  nature- its easy to compare but u shuldnt. I used to feel like that, why shud i have breakfast etc. but the thing is, a lot of people do have it, and theyre the people who have all the energy in the mornings! plus it kick starts ur metabolism.
  The people who dont have time, make up for it, and the reason u need to have it is, cause that is hard for you, and hard for a person who has an ed.
  Its about thinkking about urself, forget others eating habits. I have learned not to care now, because ur body is urs, not theirs.

  my bf, nature to be honest was so patitent, he gave me a lot of time and space . Eventually i decided i wanted to get better, and he used to make me eat, and he wud sit with me, and make sure ive finished every single bite. And now its different, we will do things like get unch together, or dinner or whatever, and eat similar amounts. I dont compare, hes a guy n he needs more, but i just try to listen to my body, sometimes i eat more than him!

  try for breakkie, but well done onthe granola bar at least. And the next day at school, dontcomapre ur food to others. Its to obsessvie, and its an exuse for ana to make u restrict.

  xx

• 679 aliyah // Sep 10, 2009 at 3:58 am

  amy- ur welcome
  Uni is such good fun, dont let ana ruin the experience for you ok!?

  what u studying again? yeah im at glasgow doing psychology, going into 2nd year now , dont start till the 21st thoigh so im still off.
  Its gna be a shock to my system when i go back , i hate early mornings so much!

  xx

• 680 Nature // Sep 10, 2009 at 8:13 am

  It’s not that he’s not patient so to speak. I mean, he’s been through my worst and the WHOLE time I had my ED + depression, and never yelled/got mad or whatever like that.

  It’s just that he gets frustrated about it whenever I slip, and he doesn’t show it around me much, but he is frustrated about how things are going. I mean, I get frustrated about how I’m doing myself as well, so I’d understand his end because, well, people around me do get frustrated when things go wrong!

  But, I don’t know, I guess I’m really sensitive and hate seeing him feeling bad because of me. He was glad I had that granola bar + rest of the stuff I had during the day, but yeah, it still hurts me when he’s down because of it, lol. He gently reminded me that I need to have three complete meals a day (breakfast is the deal breaker for me atm, -.-), and I know I have to, but time wise things are hectic, >.<.

• 681 aliyah // Sep 10, 2009 at 2:07 pm

  nature- ino my bf used to get like that too! i hated it cause it made me feel awful, i felt like i was letting him down.
  use it to motivate u to eat breakkie, its not worth letting ur bf down, and if it makes u eat more then its all good.
  Ino breakfast is hard for you, but try to get up like ten mins earlier even n just make sum toast or sumthing. ur body will thank you.
  and uno how u said before u compare urself to what others eat, well remember they dont have those thoughts, they dnt skip brekkie because othrs do, or because they think they shuldnt cause other people dont, they skip it for good reasons like they literarry dnt feel hungy or have time, but theyll make up for it later.
  So the days u dont havew time for brekkkie always take a bar or sumthing, and have a extra big lunch

  good luck xx

• 682 Amy // Sep 11, 2009 at 1:03 pm

  Hey Aliyah. Are you at glasgow uni? What course you doing? Thanks for all your help. Im at home now for the weekend. I saw my therapist today. She said it could take up to a year to get my period back:( I thought it would be back soon.

• 683 aliyah // Sep 11, 2009 at 1:26 pm

  yeah im at glasgow uni amy, doing psychology

  yeah period sucks, it might come back faster it just depends. im still waiting on mine
  hopeit comes bak soon too, as long as your eating well, and making sure ur body is looked after

  i think theres some foods that can help with the period, fats are particulary good, cause women are supposed to have a certain amount of fat around their bodies so you need to have enuff to get ur period.

  what year of uni are u in? im going into second, start again on the 21st

  enjoy beinghomee

  xx

• 684 Amy // Sep 11, 2009 at 4:02 pm

  Hope urs comes soon too! Are you at ur ideal weight yet? How do you know when you are? Im going into 3rd year. O pyschology sounds interesting.Thanks. Hope u have a good wkend too(“,)xxx

• 685 aliyah // Sep 12, 2009 at 3:55 am

  hey amy- yeah im at an ideal weight, it flunctuates a little but thats normal
  i think i need to gain mre to get it back to be honest.
  when u have a bmi of 20 at least ur at an indeal weight. 20- 25 is ideal. any less is underweight anymore is overweight. u can calculate ur own bmi, or u can get it done on weighingmachines u see sometimes in the shop. if u go to a counceler or psychologist they wud do it for you

  xxx

• 686 Amy // Sep 12, 2009 at 9:44 am

  Thanks. I checked my bmi on the internet. I am 20.6 ! I must be my ideal weight now then.Jeeze I have went up a wile lot from 14.8.It makes me feel fat but I just have to think it will redistribute. My period still hasn’t come though.

• 687 Nature // Sep 12, 2009 at 10:44 am

  Hi Amy.

  It does take some time for your period to come back. Mine came back after like 3-4 months I reached my healthy weight, so I know exactly how you feel!

  You’re just like, “I’m at a healthy weight, dammit, why isn’t it coming?!” You just have to be reaaaallyyy patient, and yep… I was impatient about it, too, hehe, but it will come!

  Also everybody is different so some get it sooner, some later after achieving their healthy weight. You’ve come so far, keep up the good work, okay?

  Take care!

• 688 Amy // Sep 12, 2009 at 11:51 am

  Hey Nature. Thanks!:) U have gave me hope. Well done you in achieving your healthy weight=)

  Does anyone else have osteopenia or osteoporosis? My therapist was talking to a doctor who has been a specialist in eating disorders for over 20 years. He said that it can be reversed through healthy eating and getting all the right nutrients:) That really cheered me up because all the evidence about osteoporosis says it can’t be reversed. However this doctor has proved it can be:Dxx

• 689 Nature // Sep 12, 2009 at 12:18 pm

  Amy, I have no idea if I have those since I never got it tested, but it is very common in people who have gone through EDs.

  Each time we miss our periods, we are in higher risk of those conditions because it takes away our bone mass so it’s really important to get your calcium. I have calcium tablets on days where I don’t get enough calcium through food.

  Our bodies are so strong, and it’s capable of fixing a lot of damages we have done through restricting/etc. as long as you give it all the energy and nutrients it needs. You’re on the right past, so keep on going, .

• 690 aliyah // Sep 12, 2009 at 12:45 pm

  amy- like nature said, stick at it, and ur period will come healthy eating and a healthy body image is much more important than tryin to be a skeleton and depriving ur body.Ur ideal weight it not a ‘fat weight’ ur on the very low end of an ideal healthy weight for your body. be proud ! im sure u look so much better than u did at a bmi of 14.

  Osteorporisis, i dont have it, at least i dont think so anyway, ive neveer been tested but my gran used to have it ( she didnt have an ed) but it really did affect her, she was weak and very fragile. Im pretty sure ive heard it can be reversed also, im sure the doctors advice is right. its amazing just what good healthy eating does!

  stay positive

  xx

• 691 Amy // Sep 13, 2009 at 2:47 am

  Thanks Aliyah and Nature. U both are so nice!:) Well done both of you for getting to your ideal weight and maintaining it.Yeah I need to start thinking more positive.I drink a lot of milk and take yoghurts to make sure I am getting enough calcium. U both are an inspiration to me.xx

• 692 aliyah // Sep 13, 2009 at 2:51 am

  awww amy ur so sweet! im so glad ur gna try to be more positive. it really helps. just eat whenever u feel like it dont deprive urself ever

  iv ebeen snacking quite a lot extra these last few days so its totally normal. last night i sat and ate 3 coconut macaroons, yoghurt and then sum ice cream!

  

  xx

• 693 Nature // Sep 13, 2009 at 10:42 am

  No worries, Amy. We’ve all been there and done that, and we’re all moving towards the right direction so way to go us! Hehe.

  I have been snacking a lot yesterday as well, and my hunger level has seemed to go up. This may be a good sign since before I had difficulty finishing regular portions so instead of having to have to constantly snack, I can eat a normal meal, yaaay….? No idea if this is the way it’s supposed to be, but I’m just going to let my body do what it wants!

  Overall, I feel like my nightmare has finally ended. These four years of depression, ED, anxiety and all that were dark but it’s always the darkest before the dawn, and I feel like I can see the sun starting to rise. I feel more peaceful and well, happy, I guess. I know I wouldn’t be the same person I am now if I hadn’t gone through those four years, and for that, I’m thankful I went through them.

  I want to thank everyone here for helping me through my time of need, so thank you girls, .

• 694 Amy // Sep 13, 2009 at 10:53 am

  Im so happy for you Nature:) That is great. I also had depression but I am getting better:) Yeah Aliyah I have been snacking a lot too!lol.xxx

• 695 Amy // Sep 13, 2009 at 11:00 am

  Thanks Amy, ^^.

  Yeah, depression is really really horrible. Had it for all those years, and was clinically depressed for about half of the time, :/. I can’t believe I’ve wasted that much time, but yeah, I can’t change what’s happened so all I have to say is thank you (to what I have), and move on.

  If you ever need help with the depression bit, you can come talk to me any time if you ever feel like it, .

  My emails/MSNs are: ef_112@hotmail.com and fluffy235_181elf@hotmail.com

• 696 Nature // Sep 13, 2009 at 11:20 am

  CRAP, lmao, I was reading your message and I put your name instead of mine into the name box!!!

  I have a habit of doing that to like whoever commented last, XD, but so sorry!!!

  So the above comment is actually from me.

• 697 aliyah // Sep 13, 2009 at 11:33 am

  nature- awww im so glad u feel positive and happy and u feel a much stronger person. uve been an inspiration, keep winning this battle

  oh and just go with the flow, with ur body signals. eat whenever it feels like it needs some food, and its very good the hunger level has gone up

  xoxox

• 698 Amy // Sep 13, 2009 at 11:50 am

  lol its ok! Thanks Nature:)

• 699 Jilly // Sep 17, 2009 at 5:17 pm

  hi guys, sorry i havnt posted in a bit! i need some support now because im finally going to actually TRY. its so hard. i had my weigh in at the dr’s and it wasnt good. if i dont improve, next week ill be in inpatient and i know i can fight this without a hospital and i want to. Today i ate so much more than i ever usually allow, and i felt ok. but a half hour later the feelings of disgust come to me. how do you cope with that and ow do you make yourselves eat the next morning instead of skipping? i really wanna be a stong girl again and not a sickly twig!

• 700 Nature // Sep 17, 2009 at 6:34 pm

  Hi Jilly, it’s good to hear from you, and you’re welcome here any time!

  I’m so glad to hear that you are trying your best and that you ate well.

  Hunny, these feelings will come time to time, more often at the beginning stages of recovery, but what I did was this. “This is for me. Not eating will kill me and it won’t bring me anywhere. The only way to move forward is to eat, and my body needs food. It does not matter because these guilty feelings I get are false. I deserve this food and to feel better.”

  Keep on fighting, and remember, each day you starve is another day closer to death.

  Nature.

• 701 aliyahh // Sep 18, 2009 at 2:46 am

  jilly- nature is right. these feelings will stay for a long time, u have to learn to fight it, and not let it bother u.
  the only way to do is to challengeurself, and eat and not let the feelings stop u from eating otherwise u wil end up going in circles and end up in inpatient, where u will struggle more with these feelings.
  after u eat u shud do something to take ur mind offit, go listen to music, talk to someone, write down howu feel.
  the feelings are exagerated and blown out of proportion.
  u can do it, stay strong

  xx

• 702 bex // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:00 pm

  hiya everyone sorry its been such a long time its been pretty ruff,
  how are u all doing?
  iv been pretty low,finally iv got some help from my councellor so im getting bk on track again.
  remember when i said i got my period bk? didnt happen i think because i lost a tiny bit of weight i never got it so im still working towards that.
  though i would like to put some weight on,im hoping if i do ill be happier and i wont keep breaking down,and ill finally be my old self again! and look older.
  just terrified n all,dont know what ill look like!
  nice to speak 2 u all take care xx

• 703 bex // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:10 pm

  also i have a bmi of 19 so if i was like 21,22 at the most is that big? im terrified! i just wanna be healthier bcuz i get low too easily and i have to be really strict to stay the way i am so im really unhappy i dont know what to do!

• 704 aliyah // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:15 pm

  bex- go for it, and i hope u regain ur weight n get ur period back. ur only REgaining what u lost, no real gain, th eonly thing u will gain is ur life and a healthier relationship with food.
  u will defo be healthier if u do regain, and u wont ruin ur chances of not being able to have kids when ur older.
  u wont look much different, weight mite go to certain areas more, but if im totally honest, ull probably prefer how u look some days, because looking like a skeleton is not nice.

  look around u, girls are all shapes nsizes, embrace ur body!

  xx

• 705 aliyah // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:18 pm

  bex-a healthy bmi is between 20-25, so no its not big, and its a good number to aim for. but dont fixate on it too much, when u get ur period, u know ur body is working properly its really bad for u, to let ur weight flunctuate too much, causes a lot of moodswings etc.
  aim for a healthy sustainable weight, where u like urself
  it wnt be easy, and ull have bad days, but everyone has them, just dont take it out on food.
  ur body is for life
  x

• 706 Jilly // Sep 30, 2009 at 5:46 pm

  hello girls! so heres an update on my situation: i know the drs are there to help, but they make me freak out and meltdown…so my mom said that we can try this independently. everytime i get independence ifeel free from ana a little bit… ive gained like 2-3 pounds in like 1 and a half weeks and i want to go back to my 99 pounds that i had before! i cant help wanting that! i let myself eat soooooooo much and now i want to try to not eat so i can feel “better…” i hate this b/c i felt more normal when i was lighter… i feel like i cant stop eating wheneveri start and i almost cryed b/c i ate a whole box of cereal in a day!!! what the heck is wrong with me.

• 707 Jan // Sep 30, 2009 at 5:54 pm

  Hello Everyone! the last time I was on here, my recovery had been very positive, and still is for the most part, At the beinning of July I weighted a 105 pounds, and over the past few months I have gained around 15 pounds. Jilly I understand exactly where you are coming from because when I first began my recovery I would consume almost five large bowls of cereal every so often! I have also managed to regain the weight because I would eat very large amounts of food, and although it seemed like I was binging, I was very aware of what I was doing. However, the next day I would feel very guilty and want to punish myself again. I am currently consuming around 1800 calories a day, and am counting them to stop myself from having these extreme eating episodes. Also, I still have not recieved my period back, My eating disorder began in November 2008, and I began recovering in July 2009, does anyone know when and if it will come back? Jilly I know exactly how you feel, nothing is wrong with you, it’s just hard for your body to balance it’s self because you have been at one extreme for so long, and now it wants to make up for the starvation by going to the other extreme. don’t worry, it will work itself out. I hope everyone is doing well <3

• 708 laurie // Sep 30, 2009 at 6:23 pm

  Hi everyone,
  I need your help .. I started back at school part time in Sept . and with a Dr.’ note have to continue to to teach half days due to my surgery on my hip. The surgeon told me that I can no longer take karate which was my future to helping women is self defense. I am unsure about running as I was afraid to ask. They are changing my antidepressantisants meds. which no longer seem to be workingl I am at a loss. I have never heen at a point of wanting to give up. “but the is nothing left” no running .. no karate … no anything.. accept my boys… even my husband doesn’t ge any of this . which brings this to a whole different level which I am not going to get into . I just need some peace and know this will end without me at a gravesite.
  Laurie

• 709 Nature // Sep 30, 2009 at 9:49 pm

  Jilly, listen to what Jan have said. I know it’s hard to put words into action, but you have to try really hard in recovery. It’s the body’s natural reaction after it has been depleted so much. It will want to get as much food as it can, but trust me, I’ve been there, and it will stop.

  Laurie, I can empathize with you so much. My depression is really out of whack nowadays and this roller coaster of emotions is just driving me insane. I was on Prozac (fluoxetine) for a couple of months and took it religiously, but to no avail.

  Death is never the answer, and sometimes we feel we have so little, and yes, sometimes we do have very little, but your boys are still there. They need you and they love you. If you aren’t doing this for yourself, please do it for them. I know sometimes when people are depressed they feel so cruddy and that they just don’t care about themselves enough to not end it all. It’s not that we don’t care about others or are being selfish. It’s just depression. Please hang on tight. I know what it feels like.

  I myself am doing poorly and starting to have less concentration at school and such, and I’m not able to handle the work load very well because I feel like I just want to break out into crying right on the spot during class. Thinking about going to school tomorrow is making me really anxious, and it’s not that great either, but please please continue on.

  All of you will be on my mind.

  Lots of love,

  Nature.

• 710 aliyah // Oct 1, 2009 at 12:43 pm

  jilly- nothing is wrong with you, it is very normal to feel as you do, frustrated and fat and bloated or whatever. but the thing is, losing weight, does nothing, it will give u nothing. u shud be aiming to put on that amount of weight, that is normal for recovery, so dont be hard on urself.
  and thru recovery, u will find urself have little binges and days where u eat ALOT of food,and its normal, and it goes away, once ur body trusts u agen.
  dont restrict because in the end u will gain nothing, and u ar ejus holding urself back.
  remember ur not gaining weight, ur REgaining it.
  and belive me, a few pounds wont make u look any different at all. promise.
  u shud try and keep busy, specially at meal times, and eat mechanically so uno that u are gettin enough food. stick with this, recovery is not easy, but it will be worth it

• 711 aliyah // Oct 1, 2009 at 12:49 pm

  jan- congrats on ur recovery so far, and for REgaining some of the weight back. we all have similar recovery patterns, some days u will eat a lot. ur gettin to know ur body agen, and ur bodies signs.
  as for the period, it will come back, u need to be at a healthy weight for a while, and sustain it, with regular food, and no cutting back, no restricting. it will come back, once it trusts u and ur body can afford it.
  well done, keep up the good work <3

  laurie- im sorry to hear ur feeling down. please please stick with it, and hold on. dont give up, you are remarkable, and life is not about what u dont have, but making the best of what u do have. and u shud focus on what u have, ur family, friends, and u still have a career. u can do things in life others cant, and if u have that motivation, u will get what u want.tyhink of ur boys, how upset and devatsted and heartbroken thy wud be without their mother. u are their role model, and they are ur future.
  hopefully ull get some new meds, n they will help, but in the meantine, try to stay positive and rememver ur not alone. u are NEVER alone, we are all here for you.
  you can do this x

• 712 aliyah // Oct 1, 2009 at 12:53 pm

  nature- sorry to hear ur having a hard time.
  u are one of the strongest people i know, u have been thru so much, acheieved so much, and this is just a little blip, which u will get past.
  remember the last one? i rememver u feeling down and not wanting to eat, and u got past it, and felt happy.
  keep up ur food levels, a low level of food, will make ur moods worse.
  and as for the workload, tahts just school for you.
  make up a study plan, and make a list of ur deadlines, revision etc, and work out how u can encorporate it all, and then just do ur best to stick to it.!
  take one day at a time, and think of how far uve come. nothing can hold u back, i know u have the strenght.
  wake up positive, with a smile. it will all be ok,and dont feel anxious, give urself enough time to relax, and take deep breaths anytime u feel overhwlemed and then move on.

  thinking of you x

• 713 Nature // Oct 1, 2009 at 3:14 pm

  Aliyah, thanks so much for your kind words. I appreciate them very much.

  I’m eating all right, but my emotions aren’t too great in regards to the depression/anxiety issues. I know my thoughts are blown out of proportion, but I took three days off from school due to a cold + not feeling well emotionally, and now I feel like I can’t go back because I feel like I’ve failed school. I’m just ashamed of myself and scared of what other people will think of me, and it is so silly I know, because everyone takes a few days off now and then. It’s really dumb that I see myself as failure in school entirely just because of three days off, but that thought + the anxiety of it is preventing me from going back, :/.

  However, I really am going to challenge myself to go back tomorrow and tell my school counsellor that I can’t handle school very well. School + my home environment trigger my anxiety + depression, and I feel it’s really detrimental towards my health. I just hope there are other options to pass the year.

  Thanks for your kind words once again.

• 714 Jilly // Oct 1, 2009 at 3:34 pm

  hello again! i want to thanks all of you for knocking the much-needed sence into my head. I was angry at myself for eating so much and letting go of restricting. I know that isso silly to feel that way because im only wasting time! sooner or later i need to feel better and sooner is better than later. im just going to have to remember to eat responsibly because otherwise my emotions will go crazy and i will back track. I hate feeling fat, but the closer i am to working out and getting toned again, the better. first things first!

  nature- dont feel like a failure please! you know how much you have accomplished and that it takes such strength. you are thriving so dont let yourself tell you otherwise. you can do anything and you deserve more than all this!

• 715 Nature // Oct 1, 2009 at 5:38 pm

  Jilly, thank you for your kind words as well.

  I really am going to try my best and go to school tomorrow to tell my school counsellor that I need a lighter workload.

  You are doing very well and moving in a positive direction so give yourself praise and credit for that! Sometimes it does feel like we’re wasting our time (I feel this way, too), but really, we’re not. We’re taking our time to figure out what’s best for us and we’re also learning.

  You are a very strong girl, and I know for sure you’ll be able to figure out what is truly best for your health emotionally, mentally, and physically. Keep on going. I know you’ll achieve a healthy relationship with food and your body.

  The best to all of you,

  Nature.

• 716 aliyah // Oct 2, 2009 at 1:52 am

  narure- i used to feel like u at school, i used to be paranoid, about what everyone thinks of me, judging me and it really is blown out of proportion.
  i hope u went into school, and try to not give a damn about anyone there.
  this is ur life, ur education, ur school, ur body, ur mind, and as long as u keep urself happy, no one else matters.
  go bak and contiue as normal, and pace urself, dont let urself get too bogged down with work.

  jilly- good on you, stay posiitve, u may feel unhappy and fat some days, but feelinsg are not facts, and u are not a number so just you eat well,and treat ur body as ur friend.

  xx

• 717 Nature // Oct 2, 2009 at 11:51 am

  I wish I could say that I successfully went to school and got everything figured out, but I didn’t.

  I don’t know why but my anxiety gets so out of whack at night, and I find it really difficult to sleep. I don’t know if it’s worth the shot, but I might consider trying a different type of medication.

  I couldn’t really sleep at all, and by the time morning came, I was so bogged up. It’s not that I don’t want to go to school, it’s jut that I’m petrified at the thought of going since it triggers my depression + anxiety.

  I really feel like I’m whining on and on, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to. Thanks for your time everyone, >.<.

• 718 aliyah // Oct 2, 2009 at 12:20 pm

  nature dont woory, like i said we all have bad days n phases.
  is there a counceler at school u cud speak to?
  its no gd if u cnt sleep, i think each nite u shud write down ur thoughts n feelings n anxities n then write something positive like – 2moro im going to be happy, nd get thru school n not worry .

  im sure a lot og ur thoughts r blown out of propotion, n the way to deal with it is challenge it, and just do it:)

• 719 laurie // Oct 2, 2009 at 3:05 pm

  Nature,
  You can do this .. you are strong and have courage. You have helped me a mom of two thru some really hard times. I remember college.. just take care of you. Take it one day at a time. I know from my own experience that anxiety can be overwhelming ..but you can do this.. just take a deep breath and think about what “would I want this to look like in 20 yrs”…these kids around me wont be here .. or care.. but I will …so worry about you.. and you only. I know that the depression and worry can get the best of us.. me included.. but lets not give up.. your words of encouragment have me back on this website tonight. So hang in there my friend .. I will be thinking of you
  Laurie
  xoxo

• 720 Nature // Oct 3, 2009 at 2:10 pm

  Thank you so much to both of you.

  It really is tough at times, but it’s true that giving up is not an option when you can get through this and have a better time.

  Health/body wise I’m doing well, I suppose. I got my period again, and it’s kind of whacky since I got it 3 weeks after the first time I got it back. Seems too soon, but I don’t know if this is normal?

  On the other hand, emotionally I am trying to climb back up. It’s difficult, but I suppose I’ve made some progress. I just have to bite this fear and get to school once the weekend is over and sort things out once and for all with my school counsellor!!!

  All of your words have helped me so much throughout all this time, and I really can’t thank you all enough.

  The best to all of you,

  Nature.

• 721 laurie // Oct 3, 2009 at 2:42 pm

  hi all.
  it s the weekend again and for some reason they are harder for me . its raining and cold (New England) winter is coming.. but I will work out a plan to try and stay positive even though this is the first winter season that I will be at goal weight in three years… the thought of having tight fitting clothes is overwhelming. It’s funning they haven’t turned the heat on at work(school) yet and I was freezing at school on Friday and it reminded me of the days when I was thin and underweight. Don’t miss that part at all. I do miss being happy and that was way before ED.
  I am not even sure what I want anymore which is probably the scariest part of it all. Does anyone else ever feel like this when they are nearing recovery?
  Laurie

• 722 Jan // Oct 3, 2009 at 3:23 pm

  Nautre: wow, you have come such a long way and I am very happy for you! keep up the great work! whenever youre having a bad day, just remember the good ones, and try to to do something you enjoy that doesnt revolve around the eating disorder! please keep fighting, your doing great!

  Laurie: I definitely understand how you feel. Recovery has been difficult for me as well because some days I can enjoy food and appreciate my body. But on other days, I feel very dissatisfied when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see the extra pounds I have gained and at times it seemes quite haunting. Sometimes I feel inclined to cut my calories back, and other days I have really bad cravings which lead to me eating very large amounts of food. The tight clothes have really been an issue for me as well. I used to feel very confident at school wearing tiny clothes that hung loosely over my frail body, and I truly felt that I looked good. But then I also look back at pictures from time to time and see how thin I really was and how awful it looked. My emotions are constantly betraying me, one minute Im fine with my body and the next I hate it, I miss wearing the clothes I used to and feeling the way I did. Now a days when I eat food, I just feel guilty like Im giving in to the body I despised for so long.

  However, In the end we all must realise that looks make up a very small percentage of who we are. Starving ouselves is not the answer to our problems, and no one in the world will ever achieve the perfect body. This is because we all have a different view of what perfect is. We must associate ourselves with positive people who care about us and who we truly are on the inside! I wish everyone the best of luck, keep fighting, I know in my heart recovery is possible and we all can achieve it!!!

• 723 Nature // Oct 3, 2009 at 10:47 pm

  Jan, thank you for your kind words as well. You’re doing a very good job, so please do keep it up.

  Laurie, I feel that way when I’m struggling with my depression, but there is ALWAYS a reason to why we’re here. There will ALWAYS be something we are striving for, that we are living for even though we can’t see it at the particular moment.

  Remember your boys. You love them so much, and they love you.

  The best to all of you,

  Nature.

• 724 aliyah // Oct 4, 2009 at 2:18 am

  Nature- congrats on ur period!!! wow im soooooo happy and proud” and yes thats completelty normal, to have it after 3 weeks! this shows ur working properly inside, and ur body is being looked after. be happy
  as for everything else in life, just try to be positive, wake up with a smile, tell urself its going to be a good day.
  whatever ur scared of, whatever anxieties and fears u have, are not as bad as they may seem.
  take care

  laurie- well done on being at a goal weight. remember its a goal weight, not a fat weight, not an extremely underweight weight, and u are not a number anyway.
  u shud buy clothes that fit u well, and look forward to winter, i love it. the cold mornings, snuggling up in bed with hot chcolate and marshmallows, hot soup etc. making me hungry thinking about it.
  its a time of warmth and it may be scary to be at ur weight but you can do this, this will be a big achievement, for u to get thru this time, and not worry about ur weight and food, cause uno we all have times and days when we may eat abit more, and its natural and normal, and it wont affect ur weight so dont worry like nature said, theres a reason why were here and living and you are lucky that u got well, and regained weight and had the energy to do what u want in life, so dont let an eating disorder ever hold u back from anything.

  x

• 725 Jan // Oct 4, 2009 at 1:47 pm

  hello again everyone! Right now I am really in need of some advice. I am really struggling with this binge eating. One day I will not be counting my calories and I feel fine, like Im eating healthy and normal. But out of nowhere I get this huge urge to eat, and continue consuming food. Im not even hungry for it but I end up eating so much that I feel extremely sick afterwards. I have never made myself throw up, not do I plan on it but I need to stop this massive eating that happens every so often. Its not healty because I consume way more food that my stomach can hold and it also leaves me feeling extremely guilty. I really need help, I dont know what Im going to do. I just want a healthy lifestyle. I want to eat healthy meals while still getting enough calories each day without going overboard. thanks

• 726 Nature // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:07 pm

  Jan, many recovering anorexics experience this since their body is depleted of nutrients and energy. It is only natural that your body says “I NEED FOOD!”

  Are you at your ideal weight? The only way to get past this stage is to let your body do what it wants to be honest. If it bothers you very much, eat a normal amount for a meal and wait ten minutes to see if your body is telling you the same thing as before.

  Good luck, and keep on going since you’re doing an awesome job!

• 727 aliyah // Oct 5, 2009 at 4:03 am

  jan- nature is right. you have to let your body do what it needs to. and in recovery, sometimes that means a lot of binge eating. it will pass, its just a phase.
  there are a few things yu could do to help, and that is making sure u eat regu;ary and enough during the day, if you dont eat enough sometimes, it catchesup and turns into a binge.
  so basically dont deprive urself.
  and this is just one stage to having a healthyr elationship with food.
  dont worru, we have all been thru it.
  i always tend to get very snacky late evening time, and eat quite a lot but it doesnt bother me, its just what my body needs and wants after a long day at uni

  xxxx

• 728 Chelsea // Oct 5, 2009 at 7:15 am

  I have the exact same habits at night and I do agree with everyone else, I think it is just our bodies telling us that we did not get enough during the day and now we are hungry. I would really like to kick this habit a little bit because honestly I need the most energy during the day, it would help fuel me when I need the energy most, keep me from staying up so late eating, and not make me feel so guilty about binging. I think a part of me likes the night snack so much (because I allow myself to eat things that I wouldn’t normally eat during the day) that I restrict during the day to save up for that night time snack. If anyone has any suggestions to get away from this please let me know.

  I have also been struggling with accepting my appearance. I have not been working out for 15 months now, per the request of my doctors, and have been alright coping with this until now. Now I feel weak, when I look in the mirror I don’t see any muscle or tone to my body, and I think it is starting to make it difficult to eat my food plan when I am thinking that it is only contributing to fat and not muscle. I have been really dissatisfied with my appearance in the mirror and how my body feels lately. I need a little help with accepting this new appearance. It doesn’t help when your parents tell you that “you look healthy” too. I never take this very well!

• 729 aliyah // Oct 5, 2009 at 7:41 am

  chelsea- i think the best way to break that habit, of restricting during the day and eating more at night, is just to go for it and eat extra during the day. Take an extra snack or whatever with you on purpose, or extra money and buy something, especially when u feel ur energy levels are low.

  As for your appearance, it is not easy to accept urself, for who u are, but just remind urself that u are ina much better place, then u wer when u were starving urself. u are removing so many long term risks. also, women are meant to have curves and some fat, so dont beat urslef up over it.
  We are all different shapes and sizes. But we are not classed by a numberm look around u and u will see girls of so many shapes and sizes, and the skinny ones dont nessesarily look the best. Look for some women u admire, – marilyn monroe, beyonce etc. they are admired and yet they are not stick thin.

  thin does not equal happiness.
  x

• 730 Jilly // Oct 5, 2009 at 2:13 pm

  everytime i read these messages i think “THANK GOD I FOUND THIS WEBSITE!!” i have pretty much the exacccct same problems and its so comforting to know we’re in it together. I feel like we are uniting against that horrible monster.

  i get those binges, too! i want them to go away so bad!!! i was thinking i should lock up the cereal boxes: i say im just going to have a bit but i end up eating more than my mind can handel and i wish i could go back in time… when i go for that cereal box its like my mind zones out and only focuses on munching… i dont even watch tv while i eat! i just stand at the cabinet.

  i think that maybe reading or playing a game while snacking would help with the guilty snacking because it will keep us thinking about other things!

  also, i hate feeling bigger and i only gained 2 pounds! HOW DO YOU GUYS COPE?!?!

• 731 Nature // Oct 5, 2009 at 10:41 pm

  Chelsea and Jilly, it is definitely hard to accept our appearance!

  I find that my relationship with food has improved A LOT, but the relationship I have with myself physically and emotionally is a heck of a lot more stubborn to change! So yeah, I’m on the same boat here! I don’t feel humongous so to speak any more, but I just feel a bit “big” so to speak even though I am nowhere near the overweight range. I keep telling myself that it is better for my body to be functioning healthily (since I got my period back) than to be stick thin and dying!

  Jilly, on how to cope, I kept telling myself that if I went down this road, I would be dead some day and won’t be alive to experience good things that will come! I remembered how awful I felt when I was stuck in the ED, and I never wanted to go back to that feeling. I kept telling myself that the only way to move forward is to eat, never mind the negative thoughts that are attached to it since they’re just crap that ED tells you!

  Best of luck to everyone!

• 732 aliyah // Oct 6, 2009 at 3:00 am

  jilly- the best way to deal with it, is remmeber that ur not a number
  and really 2 pounds is nothing, it is not noticeable at ALL.
  dont weigh urself too much if u do, and buy stuff to flatter your body!

  all the best
  stay strong
  happy n healthy

• 733 Chelsea // Oct 6, 2009 at 5:29 am

  Thanks for some of the advice. I am still having a hard time getting all the food in that my dietitan plans for me. I am getting really frustrated with not being able to commit myself completely and get it all in 100%. My therapist said that this shows just how strong of a hold ED has on me and this makes me so annoyed. Does anyone have any suggestions or words of encouragement for being able to plan and follow through on your food plan 100%?

• 734 Nature // Oct 6, 2009 at 1:32 pm

  Chelsea, don’t worry about the food plan too too much. It is great to have at the start when you’ve no idea what you’re supposed to eat, but I get the sense from you that you are aware of what you need to eat.

  What I suggest to you is to eat three meals and three snacks a day at regular times. Just make sure that you’re getting protein, veggies/fruit, and carbohydrates.

  Trust me, you won’t be eating your meal plan with 100% accuracy each day. Everybody has their days when they eat more carbs or more veggies or more junk food. It is normal for your body to want different things each day, and your body will tell you what it wants and how much it needs once you keep giving it food properly and on a regular basis.

  It does take time for your body to start giving out those signals, but you’re definitely getting there. Keep up the good work!

• 735 Jan // Oct 6, 2009 at 4:42 pm

  hello again! oh my goodness Jilly, I do the exact same thing, its as if cereal is my weakness! I plan to only eat one bowl and then end up eating five. It always leaves me extremely full and uncomfortable. This week I am trying to eat healthy for the week and unfortunately this includes counting my calories so that I wont overeat (I am currently eating between 1700-1800 per day). I plan to stick to eating a well balanced diet for the week and treating myself when I go to a friends birthday dinner on Saturday. At my lowest weight I was 105 pounds (five feet, 8 inches tall), and was normally around 135 pounds. I currently weigh about 125 pounds and am not happy at all with my appearance. I am especially stressed because my mom left an abusive relationship with my Dad around six months ago and still has not filed for divorce. They live in separate houses and my mom cannot seem to file and as a result we have gone into debt. My dad is quite wealthy, yet he doesnt give us enough. I had a conversation with my Dad the other day and all he talked about was how he wanted his family back, and we cant keep living over there because its ridiculou. I really cant stand my situation at home anymore and as a result I am turning to restricting calories again. Im just very stressed and dont know when things are going to get better

• 736 Nature // Oct 6, 2009 at 5:19 pm

  Jan, family relationships are very complex, and I definitely feel for you.

  I myself don’t have much of a relationship with my family members, either. I had an abusive childhood and my brother (who was really my only one I could talk to) wasn’t around the house much anymore once he became a teenager due to the circumstances in our house. I was more or less alone when I hit the first year of elementary school. Now he is in his early twenties and left because of exactly the same problem: almost non existent family connections. However, I don’t have any contact with him anymore, and he gambles for a living which has left me hurting and upset. I have healed from that, but it definitely leaves an uncomfortable feeling whenever I think of my brother.

  However, it is very hard to see, but you have to realize that food is not related to our feelings. It is not a coping method, and it will not change these things that we can’t control. I’m sure you very well know that it won’t make you any happier, it’ll leave you feeling worse in the end.

  Jan, I hope you don’t feel like you’ve messed up or anything like that from what I’ve said. It is very difficult, and I know. Right now I’m stressed about family issues, too, and because of that I feel like I can’t be bothered to go to school with all the stress and anxiety that comes from it. However, I too, know that this is not the solution to my problem since it will leave me in a worse place by me falling behind in school and not being able to graduate high school on time.

  I really have to kick back this stress and go because I can’t fall back behind so much.

  Keep on going Jan, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

• 737 Jilly // Oct 6, 2009 at 5:22 pm

  Jan! we are verrry similar! i am 5 feet 8.5 inches and my lowest was 99.5 (a day that i didnt even drink much water) Right now im at around 104 and it freaks me out a bit. i feel like i can actully feel the fat padding begin to form and i want it off so i can feel free again! However, when i let myself eat, its never ending and i get really screwed up mentally and feel the need to purge it (which i have done but not really by habit). I never purged when i was losing wight and i plan on not eating anything that will trigger those thoughts again because its disgusting. The cereal is just so addicting and i cant say no to it! however, im going to teach myself to eat a more strict diet. thats how i got into this and thats how im going to get out. i hate just letting go.

  your life at home seems very stressful if i were you, id go for a nice long walk to ease the stress. im sure things will clear up, just focus on the good relationships you have for now and i hope the best for you. my family is well off financially and i have 5 sibling…it gets stressful all the time!!!

  i just wish i had a nice strong body. however i feel the need for my stomch to stay completely flat or i freak out! Grrrr

• 738 aliyah // Oct 7, 2009 at 3:04 am

  jan- sorry to hear about ur hard times, and family problems:(
  try not to take it out on ur food though, remember that it will not solve anything or help in any way at ALL. its justa habit u do when u dont know how else to deal with it.
  try to find a diff way to taking out any anger, or worries, writing is always good, or a counceler or whatever u find best. dont be hard on urself, ur not fat and it will take time to accept urself, focus more on what u like about you

  chelsea- just like nature said, u wont eat the exaxt same everyday, but keep it asa rough guide, and tell urself u are going to stick to it, cause u need the food. the meal plan is there to HELP you not make u fat and make u feel bad.
  mix it up, make sureu have lots of variety and do ur best, u may have bad days but they are normal.

  we wukk all experience stress in our lives, and feel out of control . its crucial we dont take it out on food. it willn not gurantee anything, especially happiness.
  we are human, we can only do our best.

  love to all you guys:)
  thinking of all of you , stay strong x

• 739 Jilly // Oct 14, 2009 at 3:05 pm

  hey everyone, i hope things are going well with you all.

  recently i cant stop eating even if i wanted to. its really really odd. sometimes at night i start to think that im just going to go back to my old ways again because i was happier with an apple,yogurt and a couple more scraps a day… but when i wake up in the morning its a rampage to the cereal box and i cant stop. am i becoming a bing eater?!? i dont wanna gain so fast , but i kinda dont seem to care about calories anymore most of the time and i just wanna stuff my face. but it stinks b/c then at night i feel like ive changed my mind and i wish i never made progress. anyone else feel that way?

• 740 Nature // Oct 14, 2009 at 5:24 pm

  Hi Jilly, it’s good to hear from you, (:.

  From what you’ve said before, you still have quite a bit to go to hit target weight, and I really think it’s just your body telling you that it needs food. The majority of the energy we get from food is by eating carbs so it’s only natural that you eat more of cereals, bread, and all that kind of stuff. I was like that, and I ate large portions, too, when I first started recovering. And yeah, it totally does feel like you can’t control it, but trust me, you need this food and it is helping your body to recover!

  The only way to get through this is to let your body do what it wants, and yes, it’s uncomfortable at times, but having a healthy relationship with food means allowing yourself to have food just because you feel like it as well.

  You’re doing an excellent job so keep on going, .

• 741 aliyah // Oct 15, 2009 at 8:55 am

  jilly, nature is right, rapid eating and cravings are normal, and its a good sign believe it or not. Give into ur cravings, ur body is makin up for what it lost, andit needs to learn to trust u agen, n that means u must eat when u feel u want to.
  it is a phase, n it will pass, once ur body trusts u.
  dont feel bad about it, we have all had it, so happy eating

  be proud of yourself

• 742 Jilly // Oct 20, 2009 at 6:17 pm

  hi guys, hows everyone doing? ive been eating a lottt mainly b/c i love the tastes of the foods! but sometimes i dont no how to control myself…i always want to eat a lot at one time and i feel ill never ever stop! also, i have gained some weight and i miss my old way of feeling…my butt feels cushier and i hate it! i dont like to sit down because it reminds me of the fat that wasnt there before. does anyone else hate that? but i really am loving the less guilt i feel when i eat. whenever i feel like i eat too much i think “no, just go ahead and eat cause you have to gain it sometime or another!”

• 743 Chelsea // Oct 20, 2009 at 7:29 pm

  I have also been doing well in regaining weight lately (really for the first time since I first started recovery a year ago) and I also know the feeling of being uncomfortable with the new “padding” of my body. I am trying hard not to pay too much attention to this but it is difficult so I completely know what you are going through. I have another issue that I am dwelling on as well. I have recently been given clearance to resume working out. I have been banned from working out for 15 months now. Exercise has always been an integral part of my life and it has been weird, and at times difficult, to cope with not being able to exercise. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to slowly get back into the groove of exercising? I really am looking for exercises that don’t burn too many calories but that work my muscles, allow me to reduce stress and still feel like I am getting a good workout. I don’t want to go back to being an excessive exerciser.

• 744 Jilly // Oct 21, 2009 at 2:44 pm

  hi chelsea -i can totally relate to you…i was a compulsive exerciser with was what really led to my rapid weight loss (running a lot!!) I initially was literally not able to exercise due to an overuse injury-i was insaneee and had meltdowns that i couldnt run! then when my knee felt better and i was still forbidden to exercise, i was still so sad and snuck it in. now im getting to be much smarter about my body and taking care of it. i want to be strong and toned, not feeble. i cant wait to get exercising again but in the back of my brain i know i am reluctant because im not sure if i want to just to burn calories. i think that you should go into exercising with the motive of gaining muscle and being toned! do weights and a little bit of cardio at first to get lean muscles. palates is a great sculpting exercise, too! sign up for classes-you cant go wrong with group exercise programs (cycling or exercise ball class). just remember that to gain that muscle you have to eat muscle foods (oatmeal, protein, milk)

  ahhh! it will be so good to see strength in your body and show off those guns hehe

• 745 aliyah // Oct 22, 2009 at 9:30 am

  chelsea- firstly, well dne for regaining some weight, it may be very hard to try and come to grips with this lack of exercise, but remember its for your good, and ur body needs it.
  u shud try more relaxing, less intense forms of exercise, when u do it, like yoga or pilates, it mite help you accept ur body too, and appreciate it.
  and never let urself get carried away, make a plan of only going a certain amount of times, and make sure u eat enough to compensate . its easy to become obsessive, so maybeu shud tell sumone, so they can keep u on track, the last thing u wud want is to fall back,and let it dominate your life.

  xx

• 746 Nature // Oct 23, 2009 at 2:12 pm

  Hi guys, long time no see!

  Jilly, I’m so happy that you are starting to feel less guilty about eating! As for the “padding,” we’re women and we’re supposed to be curvy! I also like it when I can sit without my ass hurting, .

  Chelsea, you should be so proud that you listened to your doctors and went over a year without exercising! You kicked ED’s bum so good there!!! I think you should start out with low-intensity exercises like Aliyah suggested. Yoga would definitely be a good stress kicker, and do you have a pool near by? Some light swimming would be really relaxing, too, or you could just go for light walks around the neighbourhood.

  The best to all of you!

  Nature

• 747 isabella mori // Nov 2, 2009 at 11:13 pm

  hello everyone! this is isabella, the creator of this site. looks like it’s time to create yet another space. here is

  http://www.moritherapy.org/anorexia-talk-for-people-recovering-from-anorexia-3/

  for your continuous sharing pleasure.

  you people are absolutely awesome. i feel humbled and honoured that i can provide some space for you here. please continue what you’re doing, it works!!!

  eventually we’ll have to think of a slightly different way to do it but to be quite honest, i keep thinking, if it works don’t fix it …

• 748 Clemmie // Nov 27, 2009 at 5:06 pm

  Hi, my names clemmie and I have had anorexia for 6 years. I have been in hopsital twice and the second time after treatment i thought i was better but i wasnt. In the last 2 months I have lost 1 stone in weight and have gone from 8st to 6st 12. My main problem is that i gain weight so so quickly. I know that i must put on weight because i want to get better but the problem is is when i get to a healthy weight i continue to put on weight and then i panic and restrict food again. All i want is to be a healthy weight and not keep putting on weight. Will this ever happen?? I juust want to break this vicous cycle but i am worried that in 6 years I have done irreversable damage to my metabolism and have slowed it down so much that for the rest of my life i am going to have to watch what I eat. It’s such a horrible feeling because i want to be free of this horrible disease and get on with my life but i jsut cant because when i keep putting on weight so easily i fear that i will carry on putting on weight until i am overweight. Please help

• 749 shelby // Dec 1, 2009 at 3:08 pm

  thanks yall im glad i found a place to vent a little i mean i have a close friend i talk to and she is pretty understanding but i dont think she can understand everything because its just something shes never dealt with….

  im not really comfortable eating anything…. except vegetables in small amounts…..

  i feel like my stomach is sucking all the fat out of the shake ands just gonna leave it on my stomach”/
  cause isnt that what ur body does when it finally gets food or whatever??

  idk but it feels wierd to have something IN me

  im also afraid ill gain weight really fast and wont stop or have a really slow metabolism and will HAVE to eat a very low amount of calories to maintain a healthy weight…. i dont even know how many calories i should be consuming or what a normal meal is…. what will i be told to eat on a meal plan??

• 750 Liberty // Dec 19, 2009 at 12:54 am

  Hi everyone,

  I am new at posting to a recovery site. I have been in recovery for a while now but find myself fighting harder and harder to stay there. Well, I say recovery for a while but I did have an issue in January of 2009 for a while. I am not seeing anyone for this, I have just begun to admit that I had a problem ourwardly. I am married with two kids and pets. My husband does not understand and I only have one friend who has gone through the same thing but she does not respond to me anymore and she does not talk about it much. I do not have anyone to talk to when I start struggling and I figured that I would give this a try. I suffered for 11 years and was in the hospital three times though none were for my disorder but was discovered in the hospital. I am currently a college student majoring in psychology and my ultimate goal, which is a while away, is to specialize in eating disorders. There are no clinics for this where I live so I intend to stay here when I graduate and try to open a place for those who suffer with eating disorders to come and have an understanding, nonjudgemental place to share. I do not want to do this unless I have been recovered for a while though. Too much fear that I will completely relaspe. If you have any question I guess feel free to ask and I will respond as soon as I can. Thanks.

• 751 aliyah // Dec 19, 2009 at 3:24 am

  liberty hi there. everyone on this site will be here for you, support u and talk to u. im a student too and plannin on majoring in psychology to help people with eds! how weird is that!?

  i had anorexia for 6 years and im at a late stage in recovery now, and sooo much happier!
  you will not relapse, theres no reason to, u have a future ahead of you, if you want to help others you have to reists the temptations to relapse.
  ur body does not deserve anymore damage now, time to lookl after it

  all the best, xxx

• 752 Liberty // Dec 19, 2009 at 2:08 pm

  Hi Aliyah,

  Thanks for your encouraging words. I am at the end of my associates program. Once I complete my two classes now and four more I will be done with this degree. I am thankful, I am getting worn out because I am going to a school with an accelerated program and we do not get but one break and that is Christmas. Even then if we start on a certain date we do not get a break. It is cool to have someone else that is studying the same thing to talk to.

  I am glad to hear that you are at this stage in your recovery. Most of the time I am okay but things have been getting pretty bad in my marrige lately and on top of other things it is just not a good combination. I am fighting and struggling because we are trying to start our family, though I have two step children, we are trying to have one of our own and the pressure from that is enough. When you add school, all the responsibilities of home, my husband, my family, and myself to the mix, when one thing collapses it seems like it all falls.

  I know that I have a future ahead of me and I look to it eagerly but the path there is never easy and it seems like more keeps getting added to me. I am just learning to say no to some people, never was good at saying no, so it is helping but goodness. Sometimes I would still like to chase my husband around with a frying pan or shoot him in the butt with a plastic airsoft pistol – you know the one’s that shoot plastic bbs. I actually think those hurt worse than the real ones. He knows about my problem but when I try to talk to him about it or tell him that I am having problems he just throws this “If you don’t eat, I don’t eat” in my face and gets mad at me.

  I am trying to look after my body and do the best that I can but it’s hard. I try to continually tell myself that I need a healthy body for pregnancy and for the health of my child, when I get pregnant, and that helps a lot but when things seem hopeless it is easy to consider turing back.

  Thanks,
  Liberty

• 753 aliyah // Dec 19, 2009 at 2:26 pm

  liberty- awwww im sorry to hear about ur problems in ur marriage.
  i cant imagine it being easy, but you need to stay strong and remmeber an ED will not solve anything, it will not help in any way. it will only make things worse, you need to find another way to let out ur feelings, if writing on this site helps then thats good try to keep thinking about the future, what u want in life and what u have to stay strong for.

  theres soo many negatives to having an ED its not even worth thinking about.

  what happens when u finish ur class ? do u get straight into a job?

  x

• 754 Liberty // Dec 21, 2009 at 2:07 pm

  Hi Aliyah,

  I am trying to learn better ways of coping with things like stress, hurt, frustration, all of those annoying feelings that can escalate this problem. I know overall that an ed makes things worse. I know that in the beginning I thought I was in control only to realize that the control I had was an illusion. I lost control over more than what I had before.

  I use to write poetry to express myself but it seems that I don’t write anymore. I do sometimes and when I do it helps but it’s not the same anymore. Drawing too, I use to draw all the time, I do occassionally now but not often. It seems that when I started to recover those parts of me began to fade into the background with the disorder. When I found God He helped a lot and then I backslid from Him. I have been wanting to go back to church but that causes more problems between me and my husband.

  When I finish my class I plan to continue school and get my bachelors degree. After that I want to start working in the field. I still want to continue school until I get my doctorate. I hope after I graduate to eventually open my own Christian Counseling Agency and hire others who are specializing in eating disorders and other fields so that it will be a wide array to help everyone. I want to focus most of my attention on eating disorders but I still want to help others. I am hoping to get a job rather soon. Being that I do not work now I am in our home nearly every day not going anywhere, don’t really know enough people to get out and go anywhere anyway. We don’t really have the money to go anywhere so it will be nice to have a change. What about you?

  Liberty

• 755 aliyah // Dec 21, 2009 at 2:23 pm

  Liberty- i know times are hard sometimes, and i hope u get through everything. Im sure u will, cause u sound like a lovely person. And u have a lot to look foward to, and keep motvated for.
  Just express urself in any way u can, fight the demon and dont harm uyr body. u only live once, dont waste any precious time over an ED.

  im in second year of uni, doing psychology. I want to go into clinical, but im not sure on what route yet, its quite a long course. I think i want to do research though, but who knows what the future holds/ All i know is, there sno space for any ed’s

  xxx all the best xx

• 756 Jan // Dec 28, 2009 at 8:29 am

  Hello!
  wow! I have not been on this site in in quite a while, however, I have come a long way with my eating disorder. I never thought I would be able to look at food the same way again, without watching my calories. However, I am at a healthy weight now, and have gained my period back. It is really wonderful to be able to have a healthy relationship with food!

  I hope everyone else is doing well. I understand the struggles everyone faces and I have faith in all of you that you can beat this!

  This next message is for Liberty
  My eating disorder began as a result of my parents abusive marrige, and although I am only 17 I understand how addictive these kinds of relationships can be (not to say that you are in one). What concerns me is that your husband diminishes your feelings instead of embracing them and offering you sincere help. He seems to use sarcasm instead of trying to understand the real problem. I am also quite sorry to hear that your husband does not want you to attend church, if it is something that makes you happy, then why shouldnt he be happy in letting you go.

  My mother was Mormon when she met my father, however he refused to marry her unless she left her church. When she left that church and married him she lost a large part of herself. She began to see the world through his lenses and became very obidient to him. After twenty years of marrige, my Mom left. The situation was extremely violent and abusive and still can be at times because my Mom cant seem to actually file for divorce and recieve the money she needs. Its amazing how much of a hold he still has on her. (She left in March 2009)

  Liberty, I hope you can find the strength to fight through this eating disorder, I know you can! I hope that my advice about your husband isnt too bold, but you deserve more, he should not be treating you like that.
  Best of luck, Jan

• 757 Chelsea // Jan 1, 2010 at 9:37 am

  Okay, I need advice. I have posted on here before and have been struggling with my own recovery from 5 years of anorexia. I have been home at my parent’s house for the past two weeks for the holidays. I have had suspicions about my brother’s relationship with food and eating and it all came crashing down two nights ago. I was awake late at night, with both of my parents asleep, and witnessed my brother having a huge binge on junk food and then heard him in the bathroom for over an hour. I couldn’t sleep and I can’t stop thinking about it. I really don’t want him to suffer from an eating disorder because I know firsthand how difficult and awful it is. I don’t know how long or often he has been binging and purging so I don’t know how progressed the disease is or if it is still an occasional act. I don’t know what the right move would be to make. Do I confront my parents about the issue? Do I talk to him first? How do I bring it up or what do I say? He is 18 and will be graduating from high school to go off to college in a few months so he is still living in my parent’s house.

• 758 aliyah // Jan 1, 2010 at 1:32 pm

  chelsea- im sooo sorry to hear that. I can imagine how hard it must be for u to decide what to do. think about if u were in the situation, would u want someeone to confront you?

  in my opinion i think u shud, because th elast thing u want is for it to go on and get worse. Maybe if he got some help now, or advice it will help when he goes to college.
  just gently tell him what u heard and if he wants to talk about it, and say how u dont want his college life to be affected by it. and then see his reaction, and wheter or not he wants to tell ur parents.

  all the best xx

• 759 Katie // Jan 2, 2010 at 6:33 pm

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• 760 becka // Jan 13, 2010 at 2:37 pm

  so i’ve had anorexia now for the past year..i really dont even know where to begin but i realized i hit rock bottom a couple day’s ago when something super disturbing happend. im 5′4 and i used to be 132 about a year ago..right now im at 103. i didn’t so the whole “oh 300 cal a day thing” i’ve been doing the no calorie a day thing. awful i know. it leaves me feeling terrible inside, im always sluggish and have no energy to actually enjoy myself. i find myself thinking why cant i just be normal and not think food is the total enemy. my period has stopped, havent had it for about 3 months now and just weird things happen to my body in general. about a month ago i told myself “okay im going to try this eating healthy thing” but after 3 day’s i became so annoyed…annoyed with that pudge in my belly..annoyed with not enough collar bone showing or hip bones..or my face feeling huge. i have a salivary gland problem from this. they swell up and hurt on and off i think it’s like lack of nutrition and being dehydrated. i just dont even know how to fix this? is it fixable? ive kept the seriousness of this well hidden from my family. i mean they are aware i have some kinda problem but they dont know the extent, im 18 by the way. ….im so lost at where to begin….i always tell myself” your hungry but you know you cant eat, your not like eveyone else and your body just holds on to everything” so green tea has become my bestfriend. sometimes ill just eat once a week like sundays but it usually is just a garden salad or apple with cracker’s then i freak out about an hour later and go do hard core cardio..maybe take a few water weight pills. i know im no fun to be around anymore…terrible anxiety too. i find myself in the mirror for like 20 mins b4 i shower pointing out everything i dont like…idk how to just be normal and its becoming harder and harder to hide…i want it…i need it

• 761 aliyah // Jan 14, 2010 at 2:35 pm

  becka- hi there.im sorry to hear about ur issues with anorexia. i had anorexia for many many years and finally recovered and i feel so much better. i want to say i know how u feel, and belive me there is a way out. U can get rid of all the horrible problems, and safe urself. anorexia has a high death rate, and really damages the body.
  u shud try to get a meal plan together and eat routinely, mehcnaical eating, and treat food as ur medicine. Ur not gaining any weight at all, ur REgaining some weight back that is all.
  Nd as soon as u start to eat, yes there will be negative feelings and bad days, but eventually these thoughts go away! relaly they do, cause if u think about it, when u dont eat, u starve ur mind, and u cant think properly. When u eat ur mind gets nutrition and after a while, ur body will stabalise at a healthy weight, and the thoughts will slowly disapear.

  Write a list of what u want from life, and show urself how haveing an ed is stopping and holding u back, life is short, and u need to live it how u want, not let anorexia ruin it.
  If u have the energy, u shud go to a doctor, who cud refer u to counceling, it does help to talk about it and get feelings off ur chest.

  u are strong, u can do this!

  xx

• 762 becka // Jan 14, 2010 at 3:41 pm

  alyiah- yea i know i really should do some sort of meal plan bt start out slow. im just so terrified the thought of putting on weight gives me such an unexplainable feeling. i actually tried to have a couple of carrots this morning and like 10 mins later i had do do something like jumping jacks or just anything to burn off those calories..i know its all in my head and i really need to fix that. iits gotten to the point where im always in pain my joints..lower back mom thinks its my kidneys..but idk i really am trying i just need to get a journal or something maybe?? its going to take time im just ready to make this change i cant go on revolving every aspect of my like around this …..thanks this has really started to help. reading everyones posts and what not

• 763 aliyah // Jan 15, 2010 at 2:36 am

  becka- yes i have been where u are, and its a normal part of recovery,. u have to slowly challenge urself, so really try to make a little meal plan, with times and everything and just eat, its going to save from a lot of damage later in life.

  Theres a woman on this site, who now has severe liver damage from ed’s and has to get a transplant, dont let this happen to u either.
  Is there anyone u can talk to about it openly? Rememever ur REgaining weight, and right now food is ur medicine. Food is not the enemy, just have light things, cereal bars, sandwiches, soup , rice cakes, etc, u dont have to go and eat loads of food, just start of small, and after each meal, dont exercisse, ull do more harm, so keep urself busy, read, have a bath, write on this site ….

  stay strong xx

• 764 Olivia // Jan 24, 2010 at 4:45 am

  Hey guys, This is my first time posting on here.. I have read quote a few of your stories and i just want to hug you all. I’m a seventeen year old girl who loves school, and loves sport. I used to be the most outgoing happiest person you would ever meet, now i’m the complete opposite.. This is a tiny bit of my journey…

  I, apparently, have anorexia. I’ve always had a thing about my weight, but it was never serious, and i always just brushed it to the back of my mind and said to myself it’s not a big deal, it’s nothing. And until recently, it was nothing, it so to speak, didn’t exist in anyone elses mind, and certainly not in my own..

  I was admitted into hospital around the beggining of last year, however, this was nothing to do with my eating. I had depression. I had had it for a while, only at this speciic time i was on the verge of breaking. I wasn’t sleeping, i wasn’t eating properly. I was cutting and was to ‘unsafe’ to attend school. I was admitted, for what myself and all around me suspect would be a few days. A week – tops… 3 months later, i was discharged. This three months was complete and utter hell. Physically and mentally.

  I became so depressed that i refused to eat because i simply did not want to live, being in a psychiatric hospital, there isn’t exaclt many ways to end your life, this seemed the only way. After dropping from 47kg to 41kg in little over a week i was sent to the pediatrics ward to have a nasal gastric tube stuck down my throte as i was so severly dehydrated and my body was completly drained of energy that my heart just went crazy. I was so out of it, I was dissolusioned and had no idea of what was really happening anymore. I was constantly crying, everything just now seems like a blur.

  After 3 months of gaining my physical strength and many ups and extreme downs mentally, i was discharged. But not for long. 11 days later i was re admitted through emergency with the police as i was in a very distressed state threatning to kill myself. Again, i was discharged. But not for good…

  I laster a little over three months and was re admitted due to my lack of ability to function due to my depression. It was in this admission, which lasted another month, that anorexia was mentioned. At first i told the psychologist she was stupid and that i only wasn’t eating because i wanted to die. After discussion and discussion i finall started to reallise there was so much more behind my constand refusal to eat. I lied to them for so long, but i lied to myself for even longer. I refused to let myself see it. I refused to let it become my reality. The psychologist told me that if i kept going the way i was going i would loose alot more than i currently had. I would loose my soccer – completly. which was already slipping away form me a great deal. I would be put in an eating dissorder clinic and loose school, friends and family etc.. this, quite bluntly scared the crap out of me. I cried and cried and cried for days.

  I was the discharged from hospital, with no one outside of hospital knowing about my eating dissorder. But my clinical psychologist, outside of hospital had been aware of it, unbeknown to me, for a little while through her own instinct. And one session, she came in with an article and she read it to me. It was titeled Surviving anorexia nervosa. As she read this to me tear after tear after tear streamed down my face. constantly, for 50 mintues and i couldn’t stop them no matter what i did. I was speechless. Every single word, it was like it was coming from my own head. ever single though. As well as her words came numbers. Numbers of survival rates, average recovery periods and also this quote ” i have cried myself breathless over these statistics countless times” And since reading that article, so, have i.

  That psychologist, along with many before her, left. Pregnant. just like the one before her.. And that again, tipped me over the edge.

  One person, out of so so many has been with me throughout my whole journey, from day one, my school counsellor. She was the first one i went to, who had to breach confidentiality after finding out about my cutting.. she actually saved my life in every single way i could be saved and throughout last year became a second mother to me. I took this article to her, and i read it to her. And that was the first time i had ever opened up to someone about it. She is just amazing and i love her more than life itself. She is the only one who knows, and the only one i have supporting me.. But on holidays i don’t exactly have her as she only works through school.

  I have been alone these past two months and i feel like i’m breaking. No one knows anymroe had bad it is, the depression and the anorexia. The constand screaming voice in my head telling me i’m not good enough, putting me down everytime i eat. I’m slowly loosing the weight again, i’m constantly crying a feel i have no way out. After this long i expected things to get better, but they don’t. they never ever do and i’m sick of it. I came on here because the support you guys were giving each other is so nice I just want something to tell me that one day everything will be okay. Because right now, nothign is okay. And i don’t think i can do this anymore. I’m currently 165 cm and i weigh 47kg, which is the weight i was when admitted into hospital the first time due to my depression. When i feel bad i don’t want t eat. And i feel bad every single second of everyday.

  I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t think i’m strong enough to beat depression and anorexia. I have tried so hard for so long but i don’t think i can do this anymore.

  I would cut off ym left arm to suffer just 20% less of what i do. If someone told me that i would i would walk, right now, into the shed and cut of my arm.

  I’m giving up..I’m so scared.

• 765 aliyah // Jan 24, 2010 at 5:00 am

  Olivia- Hi welcome to the site. Trust me when I say i know how you feel.really u are not alone. I had anorexia and bulimia for more than 6 years and finally recovered after many relapses, and depressive times.
  U had the motivation to restrict and control ur food, now u must use that motivation in a positive way, and go onto the road of recovery.

  i study psychology, and i have read up lots on anorexia, and recovery is possible no matter how long u have had it. I know u say, when u feel bad u dont want to eat, but als not eating makes u feel bad, u need to try and increase food slowly, and remember that ur not gaining weight, ur just REgaining weight.

  Wud u consider going to the doctor, about the depression and anorexia and gicving another psychologust a go?
  If not, i recomment reading some recovery books,
  Anorexia Nervosa: A Guide to Recovery by Lindsey Hall and Monika Ostrof for and a shape of my own by GraceBowman. They will up;lift you, show u that ur not alone, and get u motivated.
  The power of the mind is so strong, it can overcome anything.
  I also think u shud treat urself, have nice long baths with candles, and relax urself, treat ur body nicely. You deserve it, and really theres a better life out there you need to grab it, and fight hard to get there,

  and you will

• 766 Jan // Jan 24, 2010 at 9:16 am

  Hello Olivia!
  You have definitely been through a lot and I am so glad that you have decided to post a message on this site! I am seventeen as well and I am outgoing and also love school. I can say that although I am not in your shoes, I can partially understand what you are going through.

  Last year I developed anorexia, I never thought it would happen to me but unfortunately due to serious family problems it did. Its interesting because just like you I used to tell my mom that I would sacrafice one of my arms to rid myself of this horrible disorder. Anorexia really did harm me, I lost friends, my bone density, my period, and most of all my pride.

  However, I have worked really hard to beat anorexia and I really do believe its possible! I am finally getting my life back and its amazing, I know you can too. I did occasionally attend an eating disorder clinic however I was never admitted to program despite how thin I was. I have so much faith in you, I understand that it must be difficult with the depression but getting through this will be the best feeling in the world. I am here to tell you that, yes, everything will definitely be ok. you have the power within you to fight this, and I promise you life will improve drastically as you progress.

  Like you I have always had some issues with my body, I felt as though my legs were too big, and I hated my love handles. I lost 30 pounds and the results I got from friends and family memebers were terrible. People always told me I looked sick. Now that I have gained 30 pounds I recieve so many compliments, my friends are so proud of me and now I actually get looks from guys in the malls haha!

  I know it must be hard for you not having your school counsellor but believe me I am here for you! you can beat this and success is possible! Try to take it one day at a time and set goals for yourselt. Maybe try starting off slow and eating something for breakfast that you feel comortable eating. The hospital is no place to live your life, youre seventeen and you deserve to be out with your friends, keep going, you deserve to be healthy and strong!

  Love always, Jan

• 767 Nature // Jan 28, 2010 at 12:34 am

  Hey Olivia, I used to be a daily poster here, but I haven’t posted here in a long while now. I do check the pages quite frequently, though.

  I just wanted to post a response to you since your story screamed out so much to me. I want you to know you’re not alone. I almost cried reading it, and I’m very teary right now. I am also turning 17 this year, and the things you’ve been through are so similar to mine.

  I’ve also gone through anorexia and depression. I’ve had depression for over 4 years of my life. It’s still hard sometimes, but now, it is in a much better place than before. I just want you to know that you can make it. I myself felt so many times that I’d do anything or give up anything to have this end. I just wanted the pain to stop… I just wanted to know why Life was giving me a reason to die when everyone else had one to live… but it’s not, Life is what you make out of it (sounds corny, I know, but it really is) and I find it so very precious now.

  When I was depressed, thoughts constantly ran through my head – negative thoughts. I would berate myself over every single mistake I made. I would then not allow myself to eat because I thought I was a horrible person. I would think of myself as a lazy ass, a stupid bitch, a worthless human being, and what have you of other myriads of names.

  And like you, in the end, I broke down. I couldn’t function any more because of my eating disorder and depression. I was hollow, empty. I felt constantly numb and indifferent. I didn’t know what happiness, anger, joy, or sadness was anymore. That was the scariest part of depression for me: losing feeling. I didn’t feel human anymore.

  Question after question came into my head when I hit this point. What are you supposed to do when you’re dead inside, but your body kept living? What was the point in continuing when you’ve already given up on yourself?

  I too, like you, had lots of suicidal thoughts. One day, I just had enough. I was roaming around the city as usual because I couldn’t stand staying at home. I stopped going to school, too, because of my problems. I had time to kill. I’d be out from noon to around 5-6PM, just roaming around going into stores to try and find *something* to eat that wouldn’t add 50 extra pounds on me. I took nearly three hours to just choose ONE chocolate bar, but in the end, I didn’t get it. I didn’t eat anything that day, and bought a diet coke instead. I walked out, and proceeded roaming around until I reached another grocery store so I could possibly buy something for dinner, all the while feeling crummy and stupid because it was just so god damn hard for me to even choose something to eat. I felt like a lost cause, because seriously, who in the world takes 3 bloody hours to choose a chocolate bar? Hurt from the problems in my dysfunctional family, feeling like a failure for not being able to “suck it up” and be mature, ashamed of dropping out…. I constantly felt like crying all the while.

  That night, I decided to end it. I took a combination of about 20, 30 pills from my dad’s diabetic medication. Chugged it all down and waited, but I chickened out and told my mother. The first thing she said was, “What are you thinking of? Why did you do this?” As if she was pretending that nothing was wrong within our family. I just said I needed help, and she responded, “I don’t know where to call since I’m not familiar with this country (she’s from Japan).” I was crying at that point, and told her to just get dad. He said to me, “Oh, I don’t know which services are open this late at night.” I felt like writing FML on my forehead with a black marker at that point. I literally had to tell him to just dial 911.

  And albeit the paramedics people not understanding at all, it saved my life. I was put into the emergency room, made to chug down 60 grams of charcoal, and was stuck on an IV tube so my blood pressure wouldn’t drop low. I was told I would throw up due to all the pills, but somehow, I didn’t. And yes, I ended up in the psychiatric ward, just like you. I was there for about a week, though, and it was one of the most horrid times of my life. Like you, I refused to eat, and I just pretended to be better and cooperated with the staff so I would be let out.

  And you know what, after my suicide attempt, it still wasn’t enough to jolt my family. We still had fights. My mom still suffered from her depression and had her anger bouts, yelling around like a maniac. She still talked shit, and my dad STILL stuck up for her, and he blamed me for me having my problems and said that it was my fault. Heck, he even called me a pig and commented on how my meal could feed a whole army. And yes, it hurt a lot. But you know what? Sometimes, it just takes time. I thought I’d never feel better or have a better relationship with my family members. Sometimes, you just have to let go… it’s hard, but you can do it. And even though I still don’t have a very deep connection with my family, that’s okay… I have other people in my life with who I do, like my boyfriend who I’ve known since 13, and he went through every single thing with me from my depression, eating issues, suicide attempt, self harm, etc.

  And you have to remember, you’re not a bad person for hurting people because of these things… I always felt guilty, too, but it’s NOT your fault. When you’re stuck with something like this, it’s hard to think logically. The beauty of it is in the people who DO stick by you. There is always somebody that cares for you.

  Keep your head up love. We’re here whenever you need us.

  Nature.

• 768 Olivia // Jan 29, 2010 at 3:02 am

  Thankyou to all of those who replied. I appreciate all of your support so much more than i can say. School starts nxt week, so i’ll have my school counsellor back. that should help.

  To Aliyah, i have an appointment booked with a psychiatrist for a couple of weeks time, so maybe she will be abel to help me. Thankyou for all your support. stay strong darling and keep fighting. Always take care of yourself. xo

  Jan, i’m so proud that you’ve faught so hard to get to where you are today. Thankyou for your reply and giving me hope that recovery is possible. I appreciate it so much. I hope thigns continue to go well for you. Good luck with everything, and people are always here offerign support for you. Stay strong, always. xo

  Nature, thankyou for your reply. Your story really touched my heart. you have clearly been through alot to, things alot similar to me aswell, and i feel for you. you have my support, always.
  Take care of yourself and I hope things keep improving. Thankyou for all of your kind words, they mean so much. you really made me smile and brightened my day. Keep thinking positive and stay strong
  xo

• 769 Nature // Jan 29, 2010 at 12:04 pm

  Olivia, you’re very welcome. Everybody here has been through a lot, but every one of us is so very strong. We are ALL able to get through this and beat these problems to the grave so they’ll never come back haunting us.

  You’re always welcome here. Keep us updated on how you’re doing, xx.

• 770 megan // Feb 1, 2010 at 8:35 pm

  Hey there, (this is 4 saphire & lou)
  Well, I can honestly say I know what u 2 are going through!! I am over Ana and am now overweight. I am a veg. thinking I could loose the weight faster but instead put even more on! :S I really hate that I’m not that tiny anymore. I feel gross! my bf tells me I am beautiful, but I feel the need 2 be thin again. Is this normal with Ana? will I get thin again? I just feel like I am eating more and more, and I can’t stop my cravings. HELP!!! I’ve always been a big girl too, and I used 2 be obese I don’t wanna go bk!!

• 771 Olivia // Feb 12, 2010 at 7:40 am

  Hi my name is Olivia, I was recently hospitalized and fed through IV and now I’m out and a lot better I got out last Saturday and have been attending school. I had gone to the doctor’s 2 wednesdays ago ( think it was like the 3rd )with my parents because they were concerned about me. My doctor recommended that I go to a hospital and get fluids; only one problem, all the hospitals that we could go to didn’t have ny beds open, so my doctor recommended a place called Brentwood, which I know it as a place that all the bad kids go. But, my doctor thought they had fluids and medical attention there, not just mental help. I had bad feeling something was about to go wrong, and man was I right. We showed up at Brentwood and a nurse came in and asked me and my parents a lot of questions about my disorder. Then she left my parents with the option: impatient or outpatient. Me and my parents had a long talk in the room and decided outpatient, with good reason because we found out they didn’t even have the fluids and medical attention I needed, because I was very dehydrated. Anyway the lady came back in the room to get the verdict and my parents told her outpatient. The nurse said well she looks bad, and that the doctor there wanted to see and talk to me, so thats when things turned bad. We went to the doctors office and sat at the desk he asked me about 4 questions. My parents told him they wanted to take me and leave, we were going out patient. The dick of a doctor, Dr. Stephens I remember his name, PECed me and said it was to late that he thought I needed mental help and then signed the 72 hour PEC. So I was trapped in this hell hole, a place where not only did they not have medical attention I needed, but they didn’t have a clue about anorexia. I wasn’t able to see my parents until 6pm that night at visting hours for thirty minutes and all this happened about 2pm that day. They got on to me at the facility at about 5-5:30pm that night before I saw my parents because for the first time that night I was eating the first piece of food I had eaten since December 28th, and of course my stomach didn’t know how to act I felt so sick my stomach didn’t know what food was and they got mad because they only gave me like 10 minutes to eat and I couldn’t eat fast at all and when they said it was time to get up they said to bring them my tray and they yelled at me because they said I didn’t eat enough. Also, while I was there we saw a doctor but she didn’t have the help I needed at all. My parents asked several times when they were dropping me off when I got PECed if they would be giving me any medication. They said absolutely not, and if they did that they would notify them. That night they gave me Remelon or something however you spell it, a sleeping pill. The only hydration they had for me was a cup of powerade every now and then. That night was the worst night having to be away from my parents and be severly dehydrated in a place with no help what so ever. The next day I woke up and they gave me Prozak or however you spell it, an antidepressent. Then took blood from me, check my blood pressure, and gave me an EKG. I was so drugged up and dehydrated that in the waiting line to get all of this done, my vision went completely black and I couldn’t stand; I thought I was gonna die right there, I kept swaying and then finally some lady noticed and brought me a chair. I sat down and wait to get my blood and everything taken, then I regained conscience, and I slowly started seeing again. Then we ate breakfast, which again I got yelled at for not eating enough. We went to some group session things for a couple of hours, in the sessions they treated me like one of the kids that was in there for stabbing there mom, they treated me like I had done something behavorially wrong. Then we went to group activities where they made us exercise, here I am dehydrated and so weak, and I’m doing jumping jacks. Then we had lunch they finally gave me like 5 extra minutes but still wasn’t happy with how much I had eaten. The day and a half that I had been there had seemed like a week. Then, at about 2pm they said that I was going to be transported to Schumpert hospital, which is a nice hosital to the ER , because the EKG they took that morning read my heart beat abnormal, I was so glad I was getting out of there. Some lady from Brentwood, drove me to the hospital in their van, followed by my parents. We arrived at the hospital and I got the medical attention I needed. I entered the hospital on thursday and got to leave saturday afternoon. I’m a lot better. They wanted to send me back to brentwood, when I was released but my dad got a very good lawyer and they had a conference, and the verdict was I was not stepping foot back in that crazy place because I told my parents that they medicated me now Brentwood is in big trouble. But the doctor at the hospital recommended we go impatient at a highly effective facility in Dallas, nothing like Brentwood, for help there. My dad turned that down immediately becuase of the whole brentwood situation. But the doctor wastalking about it and I think it could help my mom was considering it too, but my dad’s so controlling he said no we are going outpatient. Now today, I’m going to my first meeting with a couselor, me and my dad talked I said I’ll see what we have here and our options, but I’m going to keep Dallas in the back of my mind. So we shall see how this goes. I’m excited to see her.

• 772 Jan // Feb 12, 2010 at 4:43 pm

  Hello Olivia!! oh my goodness, what you had to go through was ridiculous! I am so sorry to hear about your experience, clearly Brentwood had no idea what the heck they are doing!!
  I think its a really good idea to consider Dallas, if you have a good feeling about it, you should definitely go for it! You deserve the best help possible and if they can provide that for you it would be excellent!
  Im sorry to hear how controlling your dad is. My father was a lot like that as well, but listen to your heart. You are the only one who can help yourself and you need to make decicions that you feel are right! You are so strong and have been through a lot, keep fighting girl, you can do this!!!
  Love Jan

• 773 Nature // Feb 14, 2010 at 12:33 pm

  Oh my goodness, Olivia, I’m so sorry to hear what you went through! Those people must have been a prick!!! I’ve had bad experiences with health professionals as well, but if you can find the right people and doctors, they do help. I think the facility in Dallas sounds excellent, especially if you have a good feeling about it.

  It’s good to see that you’re feeling better now. I hope this new program does help you. Let us know how it goes, .

• 774 carrie // Feb 15, 2010 at 9:48 pm

  Hi everyone, I’m a 17 year old girl who is recovering from anorexia. Im going to keep this post short and not so sweet so i dont lose you all. I just want to share the basic gist of my story. Ive had some difficult times. In eighth grade, I became depressed. I had always been popular in school, but all of a sudden girls were turning on me just because i was standing up for someone they were making fun of. These girls who i had previously thought were my friends turned on me, and started threatening me over email and IM, where they knew i couldnt do anything. They would insult me, call me ugly, and call me fake when all i was trying to do was be the mediator in the situation. you all might be thinking, yeah thats a good cover story, but its so true. Ive been a Christian my whole life and i come from religious parents. Ive been taught that no one deserves to be treated that way. The experience scarred me.
  When i went to high school, I didnt want friends. I didnt trust anyone. I had been stabbed in the back too many times and I felt completely worthless. From the outside, I was friends with many people, but on the inside I was the shell of a person. I would move through my day, on auto pilot, go home, do my homework, and sob myself to sleep in my room, where no one would get to me. I didnt talk to my family. Id didnt want to hang out with friends. I just kept to myself because I felt like everyone was going to betray me. At school, I was this bubby vivacious person who knew everyone. I was acting everyday. I was never myself, I played a role, and Ive never been so exhausted in my life. I remember going home and sobbing on my bedroom floor. I felt like I was dead, in a living person’s body. I was completely and utterly suicidal.
  Thats when i became anorexic. I would fast all day and then eat one meal a day. I felt like the only thing i had in this world was my body, and I had to shape it to be this perfect thing, because i was no longer perfect on the inside. My sophmore year of high school, I changed schools and made the cheerleading squad. I was finally getting my life together. I was a flyer, and i felt like my bases could detect if i gained even a quarter of a pound.
  My anorexia got really bad in the spring of my sophmore year. I was on a strict diet plan, and was constantly testing my willpower. I cut out sugar, dairy, and carbohydrates out of my diet. I memorized calorie amounts and tables and could look at a plate and tell you the amount of calories in a dish. I consumed between 600 and 900 calories every day, although I aimed for less. If i consumed 1200 calories in a day, i flipped out. I would do sit ups constantly and cry myself to sleep.
  My period stopped for four months, and I was actually happy about that. It meant that I was consuming so few calories that i was unhealthy, and that gave me a sense of accomplishment. I was extremely bony, and now that i look at the pictures, I was disgusting. But back then, I thought i was the most beautiful person ever. I had never been pretty, so this made me happy. when i would look in the mirror, i always saw a spot i needed to fix. I was literally striving for a perfect body. My parents confronted me, but I shut them out. I would have seizures in class because i would go more than 24 hours without eating. At my lowest point, I was 16 years old, 5 foot 2 inches, and 87 pounds and I loved it.
  In the beginning of my Junior year, I started binging. I binged and binged, and i felt disgusting. I gained 15 pounds and i couldnt lose the weight. after seeing that i wouldnt become obese when i ate more of the foods i had exiled, i began to eat normally again. this is how i overcame my anorexia.
  of course, because my body is messed up, i still tend to binge on sugary and high fat foods a lot. I still struggle with that. I feel out of control and I take laxitives to get this out of my system. I dont want to be that girl anymore. I want to be normal. So im striving to eat a 1500-1800 calorie diet per day, WITHOUT taking laxitives. pray for me <3

• 775 Laurie // Feb 16, 2010 at 3:21 am

  Carrie,
  hi let me first tell you that I am also a Christian and a mom. Your story reminds me of how hard my sons 8th graded yr was for he chose a path that his friends didn’t (drugs) and was teased etc. It changed him ..made him untrusting of people . He also became a shell of the boy Iknew. His best friend betrayed a personal medical condition that he had and it crushed him. He switched schools as a freshman. So I do believe you when you say kids are cruel.

  Our connection is that I too am 5′ 3′ and lost tons of weight thru restricting and then after yrs. went thru a stage of binging ..very scary,.. the last phase of my e.d. was the laxitive use. and I too also tired of that cycle and just wanted normalcy… it you consistant with your eating patterns the urges binge on surgary food with subside as long as you don’t restrict the following day. You aare almost there .. there is that light at the end of the tunnel and I will be praying for you.
  Hang in there
  Laurie

• 776 carrie // Feb 17, 2010 at 9:49 pm

  Laurie,
  Thank you so much for your support. I didn’t think there was anyone out there who would even come close to understanding my situation. I hate that I have this problem and obviously it’s really embarassing, but you have really given me hope that my life will one day return to normal. Its so nice to hear from a person who has been there. Thank you so much for the advice and thank you for praying for me.
  Im so sorry your son had to go through that, and you’re so right when you say kids are cruel. I honestly cant imagine treating another person that way and im sure that your son appreciates you helping him cope with that more than you know.
  It sounds like your son is a really strong person because of that situation. Ive never done drugs either, so I really respect that. It takes a lot of strength to avoid drugs because there is pressure everywhere.
  Your stories and advice have really inspired me. I dont normally open up, so this is a big deal. I really don’t want to mess up my body with laxatives and I try not to take them, but its hard because the idea is always in the back of my mind after I binge on bad foods. Im going to try not to restrict my diet the following day like you said. Thats what ive always done after binging, even after overcoming anorexia. Its just that my body is so messed up because I ignored all the signs from my stomach telling me when I was full and when I was hungry, and ate according to the diet plan I had come up with in my head. Now I just have to start paying attention to my stomach again, which is hard even though it doesnt sound like it. Im really afraid that I may never return to normal and will be struggling with these problems my whole life. I dont want to eat bad foods all the time ,but I dont want to restrict my diet so much that I become anorexic, or even depressed, again. Its just hard to find a balance.
  Sorry you had to listen to all that!
  -Carrie

• 777 carrie // Feb 17, 2010 at 9:59 pm

  olivia-
  I can’t believe you had to go through all that! Hearing your story makes my story not seem that bad after all.
  I can really relate to you, because my parents would always threaten to send me to a mental hospital downtown, which I’m not going to name. The idea of that scared me because I thought I was completely normal. I had no idea that my anorexic and depressed behaviors were out of the ordinary. My parents were just trying to help, but they ended up pushing me farther over the edge by threatening and not doing. Im glad they never put me in there after hearing your story. You’re so strong for going through that, I remember the feeling of going to cheerleading practice on an empty stomach and feeling weak and not able to exercise. I pray that you get the help you need. I know you’ll come out of this as a stronger person.

• 778 carrie // Feb 17, 2010 at 10:20 pm

  Nature,
  Reading your story literally has me in tears. You sound exactly like me. I almost feel bad posting on here because people have been through so much more than me and have suffered so much more than me, I almost feel stupid for putting my story on here.
  You really hit the nail on the head when you were describing your depression. Those are all the words I would have used. Numb and indifferent… that was me all the time. Not feeling human… I know the exact feeling. Im amazed there are so many wonderful people I can relate to here. Nature, you are so strong. You have proven that just by living your life. Its tough when you don’t have a great home life. In fact, I think it makes everything worse. I hope you’re doing ok now, because depression and eds are seriously horrible. When I was depressed, I was so sad that I didnt feel anything at all. For me, that was worse than just being sad. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone<3

• 779 aliyah // Feb 18, 2010 at 1:34 am

  carrie- im so sorry to hear what uve been through. Your a very strong, person and you will get out of this and recover.
  Do not deprive ur body anymore, eat 3 meals a day and have snacks, and bood ur confidence in other ways, like get ur hair cut etc.
  ive had anorexia, and bulimia, so i know what an emotional rollercoaster it is, but i know you can recover and have a healthier relationship with food. you need to take care of urself now, and move on. I wish u all the best, and you can write on this site wherenever u need some support xx

• 780 Nature // Feb 20, 2010 at 12:29 pm

  Gah, it would not let me post for so long here.

  Carrie, thank you for your kind words. I struggle almost every day emotionally, and it is definitely a battle, but I work hard to be happy. I know that I can some day make it. There is so much that Life offers, and I want to enjoy it, not waste it away.

  I also don’t think it’s about how much one person goes through, but about whether or not the person is hurting. If a person is hurting, it is important, whether or not he/she went through more or less than somebody else.

  Do you have MSN or something? I would really appreciate it to have a recovery buddy in terms of depression, and it would be nice if we could help each other out, . If you’re not comfortable doing that, that is totally fine.

• 781 Chelsea // Feb 20, 2010 at 1:33 pm

  So I have posted many times on here before and again I asking for everyone’s words of advice. I am anorexic and I have basically been trying to follow my dietitian’s food plan for a long time now but my ED voice and own will power really hold me back. Every day I plan my food but have such a hard time getting it all in. Each time it comes to my snack or meal I try to form these idiotic rationale to not eat a certain something on the plan or to cut back in portions here and there. I know that I need to follow the dietitian’s advice, that she knows better than me and all but I can’t get past these reasons. I still retreat to making my own decisions on what and how much I eat. How do I get past this and just follow the plan? I know that once I can tackle the plan in its entirety and realize that it won’t kill me or make me fat then I can keep doing it. I need to do this!

• 782 carrie // Feb 20, 2010 at 1:35 pm

  It wouldn’t let me post on this blog for awhile, so sorry I haven’t gotten back to you guys sooner!

  Aliyah-
  thank you for the support and advice. I really hope I can overcome this too and I’m going to really try to eat more normally.

  Nature-
  You’re welcome! I’m so glad I can find people that I can actually relate to here. I completely understand about having to struggle emotionally everyday, another thing we have in common unfortunately i dont have msn right now but ill definitely let you know if i get one. I definitely think we could help each other out I really hope you keep us all updated on everything that’s going on with you because everyone here will support you.

  By the way, I’ve been having a hard time finding a balance of good and bad foods. I’ll be eating so healthy and then randomly I’ll just snap and eat a lot of bad foods. I feel like I consume more than 2,000 calories a couple days a week because of this. I just feel so guilty after I’ve eaten these foods and I’ve gained a couple pounds in addition to the 15 pounds I put on when I was recovering. I’m not really sure what to do here. Because I’m not comfortable with this extra weight. Like I want to be skinny but I don’t want to be like I was when I was anorexic. It’s just hard to find a balance. And I’m just really sensitive to any extra weight I put on even if its just a little amount. I think that’s because I was so aware of my body when I had anorexia. I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation.

• 783 aliyah // Feb 20, 2010 at 2:19 pm

  chelsea- u need to stick to ur plannnnn, just set urself ina mind set where u will say to urself, u are going to stick to it.
  each time u do, its a giant leap fowards. This is the the way foward and then ull start to learn how to have a healthy relationship with food. food isnt the enemy, its ur medicine hun.
  recovery is about REgainin some weight back, stick to ur plan, no restricting and be motivated. u can make this happen

• 784 aliyah // Feb 20, 2010 at 2:22 pm

  carrie- i think it takes a a long time tpo accept ur body fully, for what it is. its never going to be easy to see it change, but ur very brave and u have come sooo far.
  i think the best thing to do is try to boost ur confidence in other ways, get ur hair done, ur nails etc and do things to make u feel good and wear clothes that flatter your body, and dont focus on what u dislike about it.
  maybe u cud engage in light exercise, but i dont think u shud yet because its too easy for it to become a way to control food.
  its way better to look feminine

• 785 carrie // Feb 20, 2010 at 2:48 pm

  thanks aliyah
  Im liking my new curves, to an extent. Like i like that I have boobs and a butt finally and not a 12 year olds body haha. I excercise every day because I’m on cheerleading, but it isnt really rigorous exercise, just stunting and things like that. But it’s just hard to go from being really skinny and feeling great about yourself to being fuller and self-conscious. I always thought I was so in control of my body and I was always proud of it, but now I just feel completely out of control. My weight fluctuates every day depending on what I ate the previous day. I’ve just never had to deal with any of these problems. And that’s kind of how I started taking laxitives on occasion. I would take them when I had a day where I just binged. But I don’t want to take laxatives anymore. Its so bad for your body. I just don’t know how to stop and eat similar amounts each day.

• 786 aliyah // Feb 20, 2010 at 2:51 pm

  carrie it takes time to learn how to respond to ur body and know when ur hungry and when to stop, but trust me listen to ur body! u need to learn to trust it, and u will see u will eat similar amound each day, with variations, some day more some day less.
  dont take laxatives, i used to, and it messes up ur metabolism, and weight flunctuation is normal in recovery and is normal in non ed people, dont weigh urself too much, cause most of the time, itll be water weight.

  just try to listen to ur body, if u feel hungry eat, and try not to feel bad, this is u gettin control agen, and not controlling ur intake.
  all the best hun xx

• 787 carrie // Feb 20, 2010 at 9:11 pm

  aliyah-
  thanks for all the advice. you’ve been really helpful and supportive. I really feel like I’ve been trying to listen to my body more, but it’s definitely hard, because when I was anorexic I only listened to what my mind told me to eat and when it told me to eat. and I really want to stop taking laxatives. I know in the back of my mind that they don’t work but the temptation is always there.

  chelsea-
  You’re doing so well. The first step is to acknowledge that you have a problem, which you’ve done. The second step is recovery. you’re halfway there and you’re doing great!

• 788 Nature // Feb 20, 2010 at 11:03 pm

  Carrie, I think you’ve done a marvelous job. You have really come far, and you have to give yourself credit for letting your body gain weight. That is a BIG achievement, and it is so good that you’re at a healthy weight right now. I think the best course to take is to try to listen to your body… eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full… I know it’s hard to do this especially when we’ve had such messy eating habits, but if you aren’t sure if you’re full or hungry, wait five or ten minutes… Your body’s signal should be clearer to you by then.

  I was quite aware of the “bad” food I ate when I was earlier on in my recovery, and I’d go bonkers if I had more than one piece of junk food… but you know what? I have junk food like every day, aha. I’ve been at my healthy weight for 8 months though, and I just think all you really have to do is trust your body even though it’s scary and listen to it…

  I think what Aliyah suggested is fantastic. Get some new clothes and allow yourself to have an enjoyable time somewhere! Are you having good weather where you’re living? It’s always a good boost to go out in the sun for a while. I do that sometimes, just a light walk to a park or something. The sun makes me feel warm and happy.

  Oh, and if you don’t mind me asking, do you have any tips on getting through the “blues” that keep coming and going when you’re trying to recover from depression? Sometimes I find myself feeling sad for no apparent reason, and it’s really freaky when it happens because it just seems like nothing really caused it but you’re just sad… What did you do to get through depression?

• 789 aliyah // Feb 21, 2010 at 2:34 am

  carrie no problem! but do try to not have laxatives, i used to beso reliant on them, and now the thought of wha i used to do makes me feel sick. i used to take like 15 a day, every day andmy stomach wud be in soooo much pain, so bad and for so long, and it messed up my metabolism, it slows it down.
  i dont know how often u have it, but try to have less and less, and with it, have lots of water and probiotic yghurts and stuff, itll help with ur digestive system.
  all the best xx

• 790 Jan // Feb 21, 2010 at 11:16 am

  hey Carrie!
  I definitely understand how you feel. I struggled with anorexia for a year and then began recovering in the summertime. When I first began my recovery I remember some nights I would eat five large bowls of cereal, and consume more calories than I ever imagined I could. It was very intense for a while. However, now I no longer count my calories, I exercise regularly and occasionally feel as though I have binged. It probably occurs once or twice a month but my binges definitely are not as intense. Dont worry, things will get better for you, recovering is a process that unfortunately does take time. If you find yourself feeling upset for binging, try to accept the fact that it is only one day out of your very long life, and tomorrow will be different. Just take things one step at a time, Im so glad to hear that you are already well on your way to having your healthy body back, best of luck!
  Jan

• 791 carrie // Feb 21, 2010 at 1:54 pm

  Nature-
  I’m still trying to figure out all the complicated things that come with recovering from depression too. I hate the blues. I always think I’m doing so well, and then all of a sudden I get so sad and start crying for no reason. It doesn’t help that I don’t have good relationships with my family. I know the feeling, and you’re so strong for dealing with everything. Whenever I feel like I’m getting sad, I get scared and frustrated because I don’t want to relapse. I separate myself and go be by myself for a little bit. I’ve found that it really helps me to go lay down for a little while and listen to music. It’s really mindless, but it gets your mind off of being sad. Then when I’ve calmed down, I put things in perspective. I just have to tell myself that I’ve done so well, I’m getting healthier, and I deserve to be happy. this might not work for you, but it just helps me to take a little time for myself and focus on positive things. Sometimes, I feel like it makes me more sad to be alone. In those times, it really helps me to go be with my friends. Even when we’re not doing anything, they make me laugh. Sorry I couldn’t help much, but I know you’ll be able to get through this.

  Thanks for your advice and support! Everyone is so helpful and nice! I’m really going to try to listen to my stomach, because like you said, our minds are so messed up. It’s scary to gain weight, I just think it’s going to take me a little while to accept it. you’re doing such a great job!! Being at your healthy weight for 8 months is amazing! Its really inspirational, and you should be so proud of yourself

  Aliyah-
  I know exactly what you’re talking about. It actually makes your stomach really hurt for like days at a time. Thank you for the advice! I try to drink a lot of water every day and I will definitely try the probiotic yogurt.

  Jan-
  I try not to count calories, but I feel so anxious if I don’t because I’ve done it for so long. I feel so relieved that you’ve made it through this, and that gives me hope that I can too. Thats great advice. I guess I just need to put things in perspective.

  That’s amazing that you’re recovering! You’re doing great, and I know you’re making progress every day

• 792 carrie // Feb 21, 2010 at 1:57 pm

  By the way, I’m having a hard time with lunch and breakfast. I used to never eat lunch or breakfast because I would only eat dinner. I eat lunch and breakfast now, but I find myself trying to eat about 100 calories at breakfast and 200-300 at lunch. I freak out whenever I have more than that. I try to eat more, but It makes me really uneasy. Just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience.

• 793 Chelsea // Feb 21, 2010 at 6:24 pm

  Thanks for everyone’s comments about sticking to my plan. Someone mentioned how difficult it is to break some of the rules that we set for ourselves (i.e. eating only x amount of calories for breakfast, only eating one junk food item each day, etc) and I also severely struggle with this. This has improved somewhat throughout my 1.5 yrs in recovery but I think this is holding me back more than anything in following my dietitian’s eating plan. I have a very rigid idea of how many calories at each meal I THINK that I need or think that one piece of chocolate is enough for each day and can’t push past this. So every time my dietitian gives me an extra serving of something or an extra 100-200 calories to my food plan it is so hard to implement because it doesn’t fit into my preconceived notions of what I think is enough or too much. Does anyone have any advice in removing these barriers or relaxing the rules that I have set for myself?

  Tomorrow starts NEDA week and I hope that everyone can do one thing during the week to get the message out to those that still suffer. My University is holding a few events that I am really excited about.

• 794 Nature // Feb 21, 2010 at 10:17 pm

  Carrie, thanks for the advice. Sadly all the friends from my school I told of my problem to have stopped talking to me, and I don’t think they want to do much with me… Stigma much?

  I like to spend time by myself as well, but sometimes I don’t know if it’s because of my depression or if it’s just the way I am… so confusing to differentiate between staying away because I want to to staying away because of my depression… I listen to a lot of music as well, but usually I listen to music that I can relate to (in the sense of my issues), and I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not, but it somewhat makes me feel better.

  I am doing pretty well for myself, I guess. I’m past the stage of staying in bed and berating myself 24/7, and I am actually feeling well. So I have come a long way, but I guess I’m just trying to prepare myself if the “blues” does hit me for no reason again… Thanks for listening though, (:.

  Chelsea, NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY eats the same amount of calories each day. Some days we eat more, some days we eat less. What you should do is listen to your body and follow its signals. Our body is a master at knowing how much food and what type of food we need during the day. Ever get the nagging feeling that you want a certain food during the day? It’s more than likely that you need it because your body is needing the extra nutrients/energy from it! I always give in to my body, and I’ve stayed at my healthy weight for 8 months. It’s not about following a number.. it’s about following your body. We’re so much more than just numbers.

• 795 aliyah // Feb 22, 2010 at 1:32 am

  chelsea- do it stepwise, say to urself, oh on two days off the week, im going to have an extra piece, or two extra pieces or something else, and write it down, then tick it off once uve done it
  itll make u feel good, its a hard thing to do, but once u break the barrier, and do it, u will feel more confident, and dont feel bad. one extra piece here and there makes NO difference trust me. try it and see for urself

• 796 kate // Feb 23, 2010 at 9:23 am

  Hi all
  Im a recovering anorexic, I’ve had anorexia for 11 years now (Im now 20) and Im trying to get to a healthy weight. I was in treatment but discharged myself to attempt it on my own, my bmi is 15.4 at the moment but im really struggling to gain any weight. I’ve been eating around 2500 calories a day but its just not going anywhere. I walk about 2/3 miles a day but apart from that I’ve limited exercise.
  Im just so stuck, I feel like my hard work is going to waste and Im eating so much food for nothing. Im eating all the right foods too, nuts, carbs, proteins etc.
  Any advice would help,
  Thanks so much X

• 797 Nature // Feb 23, 2010 at 2:13 pm

  Kate, your hard work is NOT going to waste. Your body is using it all to repair all the damages anorexia has done to your body. There was a time in my recovery where I did not gain any weight at all even thought I ate and ate, and I was all like, “just fudging gain!!!!” because I was really determined to get better.

  You are doing so amazing. You are eating so healthily, too, so I promise you, as long as you keep eating this way, the weight will come. But you must give yourself credit for the marvelous way you are treating your body right now! Go you, !

  Keep us updated, okay? You’re welcome whenever.

• 798 aliyah // Feb 23, 2010 at 2:35 pm

  kate- well done on ur recovery!!! u have come very far, so keep it up and never give in. weight REgaun is hard, but try adding in some high cal milkshakes or something, perhaps one each night, and eat higher cal foods, also. apart from that just make sure u eat a lot of food consistently, and its high in fat, and let ur body take its course.
  ull get there, to that nice healthy body stage, where ull feel better about urself, and feel more confident.
  im nearly 20 and had ana for years and i feel a lot better now, knowing i dont look like a little skinny girl, so just keep motivated and stay positive.

• 799 kate // Feb 24, 2010 at 3:39 am

  thank you so much for the support
  Its nice to know other people have been in the same boat and get some real advice.
  I’ll keep you updated and wish you much luck&love xxx

• 800 Nature // Feb 24, 2010 at 11:03 pm

  You’re very welcome, Kate! We’re all in this together, .

• 801 Olivia // Feb 27, 2010 at 8:14 am

  Hey, once again; haven’t updated or posted anything since my firs post but I’m the one that had all that choas at the hospital and got PECed, then let out. My dad kind of chose out patient treatment because he thoght he could solve it here but like I said earlier, if you could find my last post, I kind of kept this Dallas Children’s Hospital in the back of my mind. Well we got got couseling in town and since I got out of the hospital a while back, I’ve only seen her twice. Needless to say I don’t feel like its been working out here locally. So on thursday, I begged my parents for us to go there. They specialize in my problem, eating disorder, and have alot of cool programs; I’d get couseling everyday and be around people like me. When I told them they finally said ok. But now insurance is giving us trouble and it really upsets me. I wanted to already be admitted into the facility asap, i got my hopes up and thought i could be there by today inpatient (thats what I want). But they said the earliest they can get me in is wednesday. Im just trying to hang in but the anxiety is killing me. Here is the website to show you the facility; Like I said last time I saw what my options were here but now I want to make the move to get better and I feel this is the best place for me:

  http://www.childrens.com/Specialties/template.cfm?groupid=62&pageid=521

• 802 Olivia // Feb 27, 2010 at 8:17 am

  Ah found my first post #771 thats it

• 803 carrie // Feb 28, 2010 at 4:14 pm

  Hey guys! Sorry I havent been on here in so long.

  Nature-
  I really can’t believe your friends would desert you in a time when you really needed them. That’s what’s sad about the world today. Please try to find some one that you can be with when you need them. That has really helped me.
  I’ve also found that exercise can really help you feel good about yourself.
  And DON’T berate yourself. You’ve come so far and you’re so amazing at giving everyone else advice. Please focus on yourself and how much you’ve gotten better

• 804 Nature // Mar 1, 2010 at 12:13 pm

  Olivia, take a deep breath. You’ll get in, quite quickly, too. I had to wait two months to get into an ED clinic, and that was excruciating. Here in Canada the waiting lists are very long…

  Just do some breathing exercises to relax. Or meditation, listening to music, reading, etc… The time is only time, it will pass, .

• 805 Nature // Mar 2, 2010 at 3:02 am

  Oopsie doop, I thought I responded to you here Carrie!

  Thanks so much for your kind words. Mood wise I am pretty good these days. Before, when something made me upset and down, I would be down for a long, long time, but now I bump up quite quickly, and that is good!

  I find walking or biking makes me feel better when I’m stressed and all, but when I’m stressed, I don’t eat because I don’t have an appetite. I know those two don’t go hand in hand together, so I must figure something out.

  How are you doing?? I hope you’re taking care of yourself. ED’s and depression are hard, but it IS beatable. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

• 806 carrie // Mar 16, 2010 at 8:50 pm

  Nature-
  You’re welcome! You deserve to see how awesome you have been doing and how far you’ve come! Good for you for bouncing right back. I know it’s so hard, and I can completely relate to staying down for a while. You should try to walk and bike more, since youve found that you enjoy those things. Exercise releases endorphins that naturally make you happier. You’re doing so great and I love that I have a recovery buddy who I can relate to so well Now I just need to get on here more. haha

  Ive being doing well for the most part. I still have a lot of trouble with binging.. I don’t know why. The old me would be completely disgusted with how much I eat now. even I’m a little grossed out at how many calories I eat sometimes.

  I had been doing so good recovering from depression. I’ve been spending time with friends and family and in general Ive been happy. The other day, though, I was driving my mom and brother to dinner and my mom made a comment about me being emotionally unstable. I don’t know why, but that just got to me. After all the effort Ive put into recovering from depression and how hard Ive tried to start over, my mom casually reintroduces it into my life. I just lost it. This sounds so crazy, but it just reopened everything bad from my past. I didn’t know what to think, I just hurt inside, and I held myself back from crying. When my mom and brother went into the restaurant, I just slumped over the steering wheel and cried for ten minutes. I dont know why. I couldnt stop and all the memories from my past were just coming back to me. I had a breakdown all from that one comment. and the worst part is that she didnt even apologize. I dont know why it hit me so hard. All my memories from the past haunt me…. Im so scared Im going to relapse.

• 807 Nature // Mar 17, 2010 at 1:15 am

  Oh my goddddd, Carrie. I thought I was some kind of crazy person on this planet for going through EXACTLY what you just went through.

  Every single time someone mentions something related to my past or something that triggers me into thinking of my past, I go down HARD. Sometimes I’m too numb to cry, but other times I just sob and sob and sob. I thought something must be wrong with me, but it’s such a relief to know that there is someone as lovely as you who understands so much!! Big sigh of relief for me! Phew!

  You have come so far, Carrie. You ARE a strong person for going through all you *have* went through. I think we really need to remind ourselves that the past is the past… it has come and gone, left its mark, of course, but the damage has already been done and we’re healing… some wounds are really deep, but time WILL heal us.

  I have like zero motivation, and I can’t even make myself go for a walk or a bike ride… I just sit at home all day… I’m really kinda bummed out… I kept going in and out of school for the last two years, and this year I just couldn’t take it anymore…. I have a personal teacher now, and I am doing two courses only atm…. I feel like such a failure. I used to get really good grades, and I was able to skate through without much studying. I still can, but I just don’t feel like doing any work… I know this is not taking me anywhere, but sometimes I just feel like a lost cause. Any ideas?

• 808 Nature // Mar 17, 2010 at 1:20 am

  Oh, and by the way, you ARE a strong person every single day for you are facing life like a warrioress, fighting very hard to recover and be happy. You have all the right in the world to restore your body, mind, spirit, and to pursue happiness. So keep on taking care of yourself, .

• 809 carrie // Mar 17, 2010 at 6:54 pm

  Nature-
  Thank you so much for all your kind words! You really have no idea how much that means to me. Hearing that you’ve been through the same thing gives me hope that I’ll get through. I understand everythingg you just said! Ive been there too. I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to move on and youre so right, the wounds are really really deep. And I understand about being numb. There were times when I was so depressed that I didn’t feel anything. I was so sad that I couldn’t cry. I would just sit on my floor or bed and stare. I couldn’t do anything else, I didn’t have emotions. Its the worst feeling in the world…. I get it. Whenever youre feeling this way, remind yourself that you’ll get through. You have so many people cheering for you to get better and you have your whole life ahead of you. Everything will be ok

  I thought I was completely crazy for going through that too. Im so glad you can relate!

  You are not a failure! You’re the farthest thing from a failure. Look how far you’ve come! Thats definitely a success. Things happen to us for some reason, and we don’t know why. It’s amazing that you’re still working towards getting an education even with everything you’ve been through. Just remind yourself of thatt <3

  I can relate to your situation too. There was a time when I didn't care about anything. I did my work, but I didn't care about it. I didn't care about having friends or being social. It was hard, because I had always been popular and gotten straight A's and I was living such a different life just because I didn't want to do anything. Honestly, I think you should take your own advice and realize that the past is the past and we have to move on. It's gonna be hard, no one said it was easy, but just remember that everyone on this site is supporting you and we understand what you're going through.

• 810 carrie // Mar 17, 2010 at 7:02 pm

  I had another situation like that happen to me recently as well. It’s actually the reason I started writing on this site. I googled “recovering from anorexia” and I found this place. Thank God.

  I was in my psychology class and my teacher was talking about mental disorders. When he first told us that was what the new chapter was about, I got so scared. I was dreading talking about depression and anorexia. Surprisingly, he didn’t really say anything about depression. He did “teach” us about anorexia and bulemia though. When he was telling us about anorexia, he described me perfectly. He described everything I do and everything I used to do. I started shaking. I know this sounds like such an overreaction, but I felt like he knew. It felt like he knew my past, like he knew everything, and I was so ashamed. It felt like everyone was staring at me. I guess I just had a panic attack or something. It sounds so stupid now, but at the time I almost cried. I held back tears.. I was on the verge of another breakdown. I was going to tell my mom what happened to see if she would come pick me up from school, but when I called her.. I couldn’t find the words. I was so ashamed, even to tell her, so I just continued with my day. It sounds so boring and stupid, but it really hurt me.

• 811 the -lost-girl // Mar 18, 2010 at 11:40 pm

  Hi..i am new here..and surprisingly happy tat there’s someone out there who knows every single feelings i had for many years..i had anorexia since i was about twelve..but my parents dun understand all this..so i had to fight everythg by myself..and i found this really torturing..i thk i m lost..i m 20 this year..and i stil have extreme fear about getting fat and i keep thking about food..i dunt know why i m like tis..and i hate this a lot..i need help..i m tired of controlling all these by myself..altho i m at healthy weight now but i feel fat..and when i feel fat ..everythg doesnt seems rite for me..i cant concentrate even on my studies..i feel tat i dunt know who i am..& i want to end up living like this..its really tiring..without knowing why..i always feel guilty when i eat but my mind keep on thking about food..i am so so so scare ..i dun wan to be fat..i just wanna be a healthy happy person..sometimes i can see myself binging after all those hunger..i m sooo scare..can anyone please help me??…i m sorry..thanks for reading this..

• 812 aliyah // Mar 19, 2010 at 1:25 am

  hi hun, welcome to the site. i too had anorexia when i was 12, and im nearly 20 now…
  and let me tell you, you can recover and have a healthy relationship with food and not be fat!
  it is possible, youi have to challenge ur thoughts, especiallythe one saying’ur scared to get fat’.
  how much do u eat/ try to eat every few hours, have 3 meals , and ull start to see a difference.
  a starved mind, is an obsessive one , if u dont feed ur body ur bringing urself closer to death.
  you shud maybe go to doc and see a counceler, it does help to get feelings out.

  if u want to get truely better, u will have faith and be sstrong x

• 813 Chelsea // Mar 19, 2010 at 7:53 am

  Welcome to the site. I understand what you are feeling. I am 23 and have had anorexia since I was 19. At first I didn’t know who to tell about my problem but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to recover alone. Thankfully my parents finally brought it to my attention and I have been seeing a treatment team for the past 18 months. Recovery is difficult but you can do it especially with great support. I also started going to OA meetings which helped my support group grow, brought out my spiritual side and has really helped me recover emotionally and mentally. Physically I am still working it as it does take time but I know that I can do it with the support that I have now. I have found a lot of inspiration from people on this site and other blogs and have even a blog of my own if you would like to follow it in case it helps inspire you!

  http://www.losinged.wordpress.com

• 814 the -lost-girl // Mar 19, 2010 at 8:49 pm

  truly thanks all here for those advices and support..i ve mood swings frequently..somedays when everythg seems right,i ll have the confidence to recover..but thr’s also somdays when i realy really feel helpless..dunno wad shud i do..sick n tired of the starving and binging’s..thanks everyone here..u guys made me feel at least there’s someone understand my feeling..i tot i was abnormal b4 this..i couldnt even figure out why all these happen..as i m from a country which anorexia arent common..nobody understand..i sincerely wish everyone here all the best in recovering..it’s really a tough one..best luck^^

• 815 becky // Apr 8, 2010 at 7:15 pm

  so i posted this on the one that says (3) too but i notice there are diff people on here and quicker replies. honestly i just need people to talk to more than anything im at a terrible place not doing so well at all so here goes ..so i havent been on here in a while i was on a mission for a while to get better and gain some weight back start being healthier and for a while i did. like 2 weeks..then something happend and i just fell back into it all over again its like i cant get a grip on it. its been probably the most depressing 2 months ever for me..ive never been so isolated from everyone im at 96 lbs right now lightest ive ever been and you’d think id be happy about that but im still so unhappy inside. its weird to think i strive for something that still leaves me feeling so empty inside. the only thing it probably does is take my anxiety down a bit but still not totally. all i want to do is sleep now my salivary gland problem has gotten worse and its due to dehydration like taking too many water weight pills..the pain is tortue sometimes they just throb and its definitely no fun, makes my face puffy sometimes so that doesnt help either. idk what its going to take for me to finally change i need the help so bad.. i cant even hold an on goin conversation with my mom anymore with out getting so moody or cranky and its sad cause we used to be bestfriends and i know it hurts her..i try and tell myself to just be normal i just dont know how, i dont know how to feel pretty with out every bone showing i know that sounds awful but its just true..everyone tells me how beautiful i am but i just dont ever feel it i feel like im always trying to be better so i can be happy but that just never seems to happen. yet i see girls that are all sizes all the time and i never see them as ugly or fat i just see them as beautiful girls but myself …that just never seems to happen. this week ive only had 300 calories all together spread out like 70 cals a day. i cant even take a complete shower with out having to sit down and take a break it just tires me so much. i hate this i just needed to let all this out and theres just so much more i could say but that would take hours to write. i read everyones posts and i just wish i could give you all a hug it makes me so sad to read that other people feel how i do and maybe even worse? i wouldnt wish this on anyone more than anything i wish we could just all change this in the snap of a finger but thats just not possible. ive actually been talking to a special guy for about 2 months now and hes already noticed things he actually confronted me about it and more than anything i want to fix this cause of that now..i want to be able to give him my all and i cant with this issue cause it literally consumes me. i just turned 19 and i spent my bday week at the hospital getting treated for my kidneys and my glands it was no fun at all and i dont wat to go thru that again. i need to change this..i just dont know how i dont think i have the strength. plain and simple im just too scared to gain anything its a feeling that i always say i cant even explain. i really have no one to talk to about this so the emotions just always build up in me so im constantly thinking and worrying. im not the type of girl to show my emotions much any way but im working on that with this guy he actually listens and i just feel comfortable talking to him about stuff. i would talk to my mom but she’d just be hurt i know it and i dont wnt that so i just avoid the subject with her. im just tired of being tired.

• 816 Jan // Apr 8, 2010 at 7:38 pm

  Hello Becky!
  I know how tough this must be on you, but please keep fighting. This is YOUR body, and it deserves to be beautiful. I have struggled with anorexia for approximately one year. I have always been thin, but last year I lost 35 pounds. I have gained back 40 and feel better than ever. I still struggle at times, but each day gets better! I promise you that recovery is possible. You are young and intelligent, you do not need to ruin your kidneys or your glands. I can only imagine what you are going through, it is such a dark place to be. However, there is hope, you have worked extremely hard to get yourself into this hole by counting calories and loosing weight, but now is the time to get out. If you take a look at your current situation, it seems to be quite negative. You are definitely not consuming enough calories, your body is so desperate for food that your organs are not functioning properly, people notice bones instead of beauty, people who you love are hurting, and most importantly, you are unhappy. In achieving a healthy weight and consuming sufficient calories, you will feel energized, happy, your body will not suffer, and you can truely enjoy a wonderful life with your loved ones. Try to take baby steps, I know it must seem difficult, but please try! You are worth more than starvation! I know that success is possible, and the tormenting voice that constantly reminds you about weight and calories will dissappear. I wish you the best of luck, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! much love, jan

• 817 becky // Apr 8, 2010 at 8:48 pm

  jan wow 30lbs huh well congrats i wish i had the strength to do that people think anorexics are strong cuz we have so much “will power” but really i think we or ill say i am just weak cause i let the ed take over my mind. i know i need to put on the weight it just seems impossible. i try eating for a few days and by the second day i just feel so grosss i get really angry with myself and just end up going back to like 40-60 cals a day sometimes even none. i actually found out today that my bmi is 15.4 which is better than it was months ago but it just all seems overwhelming right notw. im dont even know how to be social anymore me and my bestfriend had some huge falling out 3 months ago and it hasnt been the same thats probably why i feel even more out of control. i NEED to get better I WANT TO SO BAD. why is my head so screwed up. why is it that i can only ever think about my ed or food and what 60 cal meal im allowed tmro or what exercises i will do before bedtime. im sick of this. oh and bedtime….well thats becominig hell until i fall asleep of course due to the fact that laying on my back is getting more painful every night its like this pressure on my kidneys thats just so painful i have to like lay a certain way and put a pillow under my butt for it to be easier. things are happening that just keep scaring me like sometimes when i get up from laying down i get this hott feeling in my head and this surge of pressure to it, that just started two weeks ago now that has def scared me. i just need to keep motivating myself to get better i know thaat things just seem as bad as they can get. i wanna start dancing again and i cant whcich makes it all worse..anyway sorry for writting so much it just feels better to write all this out i never really let it out writting or talking so this feels kinda good, thank jan

• 818 aliyah // Apr 9, 2010 at 1:54 am

  becky- yes i know how u feel, exacty how. I had anorexia and bulimia for years and i went trhu the same things, i kept losing weight and never feeling better but thinking if i keep losing, ill feel happy eventually. and it never happens, and i ended up so thin i couldnt, sleep, eat, had no energy and i just wanted to die. i got out, and i REgained the weight with help from family, and frends and psychologist and im 20 now and much happier.
  a starved mind= ana thoughts, obsessive thoughts. once u start to eat, and trust me the more u eat, the thoughts eventually fade away. Recovery is not about gaining weight, its about regaining back your weight, gaining ur life back and challenging ur thoughts.
  ur body is meant to be a prticular size and shape for ur height, and its where it works best at, u need to let ur body get there, and eventaully weight stabalises, ur emtabolism speeds up and everything goes back to normal.
  dont leave it too long, dont keep punishing urself cause u dontdeserve it.if u can tell someone i would, and just fight the voice, eat and ull start to see differences, not straight away cause it will be hard and ana wil try to stop u, but u need to push past it. regular eating , dont let emotions win, because feelings are not facts
  xx

• 819 becky // Apr 11, 2010 at 9:33 pm

  so i actually ate today..i know its just one day but thats how i’ve decided to take it one day at a time. well i hadnt been to church in a while and my mom really wanted me to go with the family so this morning my brother made me some french vanilla oatmeal and toast and left it on my bed side when i was in the shower. i haadnt had oatmeal in forever probably a year and a half and it used to be my fav i know thats why he did that..my family is doing real subtle things to try. i just stared at the oatmeal for like 10 mins before i actually ate it believe it or not but i just kept thinking about everything all you guys have been telling me on here and thats what really made me eat it. so i owe you all a huge thanks. i felt gross and my belly felt puffy after but i actually had some energy and it made me even a bit happier. sooooo i ate pretty good today..now let me just start by saying i have not eaten this much in a day in about 10 months..oatmeal and a peice of toast for breakfast, grilled chicken breast white rice and broc for lunch frozen yogurt at marble slab and for dinner i had a bowl of cereal and some 100 cal pack short bread cookies just a few mins ago WITH some choc milk. wow i actually dont feel too guilty right now but im sure later i will. i dont think i can eat this much again tmrrw or the day after but i am going to eat..im just gonna start off slow. i need to, today was just a treat day i guess. plus everyone was like “eat this eat that” and my nephew was like feeding me yogurt i cant turn him down. and i know i know my body needs it. i havent felt this good in a while. i had a long talk with my brother (twin) idk if i mentioned this earlier but yea i have a twin. its crazy how much he can like read what im feeling and when im feeling it. i finally told him EVERYTHING today and i had never seen him cry until today. he said he knew but just didnt know how to bring it up..we talked so long and i feel i can really do this now. today i weighed myself and to my shock im at 86 right now..i though i had gained but i lost its really weird. i know thats too low its just hard to give that number up im determined though. and like i said probably 90% of the reason i ate today was you guys and yalls words of wisdom so thank yall! really i mean that <3

• 820 Jan // Apr 11, 2010 at 10:18 pm

  CONGRADULATIONS BECKY!
  Girl this is amazing! I am off to bed now, but I just couldnt help but come on and reply! I am so incredibly happy for you, I almost feel like crying myself! This was a huge step and you did it! This was exactly the nourishment your body needed! You are defitely taking excellent steps towards becoming truly healthy again. As you begin to feel better, you will feel your old self coming back. You will have energy to do all kinds of things, running, sports, whatever you like! Life is truly wonderful without an eating disorder and you are doing excellent! congradulations again, I am so proud!
  love always, Jan

• 821 becky // Apr 11, 2010 at 10:56 pm

  thanks jan! i owe most of it to you and everyones support on here, especially telling me to talk to someone about it that helped alot. i literally kept replaying you’rs and other ppls words thaat yall have told me on here. who would have thought a place like this could do so much for me. over all im blessed to have family AND complete strangers caring enough to give advice and support..thanks jan !

  xoxoxo

• 822 aliyah // Apr 12, 2010 at 2:18 am

  becky- well done! thats fab, i hope u enjoyed the food. just try to keep it up, eat as much as u can and take each day as it comes.
  keep up the good work, ur beginning ur fight

• 823 courtney // Apr 12, 2010 at 7:28 pm

  I am in the process of recovering; but I keep binging and it’s the most frustrating thing in life because I feel like I can’t control it.
  Help?

• 824 Jan // Apr 12, 2010 at 10:07 pm

  Becky
  Althought it may be tough at times to recover it will be such a rewarding experience. Words cannot describe how wonderful it is to be free from the chains of an eating disorder. I have so much faith in you, you are doing excellent. keep it up!

  Courtney
  I understand how you feel. Binging is very difficult. It is difficult because your body and mind are telling you two different things. Your body is starving and is craving food, however, your mind does not agree. The binging will not last forever, it is a temporary part of recovery. Try to work through it and do not get frustrated with yourself. With time, things will get better, you can do this. Its okay if you cant control it, there are no rules in life that way you need to control something.. what if we all decided not to control anything at all. I know it is easier said than done, but please keep trying, you are already on your way to getting your wonderful life back!

  Have a great night everyone! good luck and keep fighting!

  Love Jan

• 825 aliyah // Apr 13, 2010 at 2:17 am

  courtney- binges is part for ecovery, i dont know how long u had ana, but the longer u starved urself , or deprived urself the longer there is going to be a period of where u want to eat a lot of food, and it naturally stops when ur body trusts u. believe me, its a goofd thing and it does stop, u have to show ur body now that ur giving it nutrition and not depriving it.
  eat regualarly every 4hours, that helos speed up ur metabolism and remember recovery is about REgaining back the weight u lost x

• 826 helpless k // Apr 21, 2010 at 10:32 pm

  hey..i m too in the process of recovery..i feel so afraid seeing myself unable to control wad i eat..i dun like the feeling of binging too..and i dunno wad shud i do..and i keep thking of food..pls help me..

• 827 nikki // Apr 22, 2010 at 1:18 pm

  Hi there;)…

  I just came across this site, and I’m so glad I found all of you! I am 30, and have struggled with anorexia since i was 12. It’s wasted a lot of years of my life: And still, I let it!

  Anyways, I started going back to my appointments, and my group, and I’m going to try to start up regular eating again… It is VERY, very hard, as all of you know, but just wanted to say that it’s nice to know that there are other people out there who ARE trying to recover… I don’t know what “recovery” is going to look like for me: I can’t really remember a time I didn’t hate myself, feel unworthy, or control my food, but I don’t want to let ED lie to me anymore… He’s already stolen away over half of my life…

  I am so proud of all of you, and I look forward to reading through all of your comments, progresses, etc… We’re not going to do it perfectly;), but i guess instead of encouraging each other on how to reinforce the eating disorder behaviors, we can fight for each other, and support each other towards recovery…

  Eating disorders are so isolating… I think it is good that we’re all reaching out to connect and heal… Anyways;), too much writing: I don’t know any of you yet, but thank you… I’ve already been encouraged to not give up today just by reading some of your posts….

  <3 Nikki

• 828 aliyah // Apr 22, 2010 at 1:22 pm

  Nikki- everyone will support u! ive been thru ana, and bulimia and recovered and i am happy to give some motivation!ana lies to everyone, your beautiful and u shud not hate urself.
  eat regularly, every 4 hours and try to enjoy the food.
  all the best x

• 829 Nikki // Apr 22, 2010 at 1:34 pm

  Thanks, Aliyah;)…

  I am looking forward to getting to know you all, and hopefully not only get support, but give support;)…

  It is so nice to hear someone say they are “recovered”… I know that doesn’t mean we’ll never struggle with it again, but it gives me hope, because sometimes, since i’ve been fighting it for so long, it feels like life could be no other way than this, you know?

  I agree: Everyone is beautiful;)… Thanks for the message… i hope you’re taking care!

  <3

• 830 aliyah // Apr 23, 2010 at 1:57 am

  Nikki- you have been fighting it an awfully long time, and im sorry to hear its been with u so long. try to make it positive though, it made u who are u are, and what doesnt kill u makes u stronger. Try to make what u want from life now, and trust me when i saw there is another way. mind over body every time, if u really want to recover, and not get lured in by ana thoughts u need to say this to urself every single day. being positive and being with others, for support really helps.
  take care too x

• 831 becky // Apr 29, 2010 at 12:52 pm

  hey guy’s havent posted in a couple weeks last time i did i was doing a little better or getting there and i actually was eating for about a week after..but slowly all this anxiety started creeping back and it just slowly came back. i had went from about 86 to 92 in a week..i was freaking out seriously. i hate this so bad it’s like i pump my self up to do well and actiually do for a while only to fall again. so needless to say i fell back…i was determined to lose those extra pounds and i did plus more. im now at 84 and im sure this is my lightest. i got a call from a modeling show i signed up for couple weeks back accepting me but now i dont even want to do tthat..that blows my mind, its like we do this to be “beautiful” and “skinny” “accepted” but when we actually are we dont even have the excitement to do so. my parents have started to get more strict now..but im moving out in a couple weeks to my own place. im just scared that when that happens i’ll end up losing my mind. not like it’ll be much of a difference cause im hardly around my parents here but just knowing that someone is there and you cant do anything crazy if that makes sense. ive fallen so many times i just dont even feel theres hope for me anymore ..i feel as if though i will never get better like this is just something i will have to deal with forever. days just seem to go by so slow on top of all this i miss my best friend like crazy my ed is the reason we dont speak much anymore and this just sucks. i just needed to let all of this out..and to you girls who are on that right path keep going dont let anything tempt you to stop. i just wish wish i had some actual help but that seems impossible. i cant even remember the last time i had my period either whic is pretty scary but its like at the same time that means i know im losing weight and being unhealthy..idk my mind just seems so screwed up lately. i cant even think right….and now im just babbling.

• 832 the-lost-girl // May 1, 2010 at 5:31 pm

  hey,becky..stay strong..keep on going no matter wad…neva give up..i really understand how u re feeling now..i m struggling very hard and i m in the same situation with u too..i m tired of this ed thingy and i dun even know wads the reason i had this..=(

• 833 Jan // May 1, 2010 at 6:30 pm

  Hello everyone!
  Today I decided to watch a short video about upcoming spring fashions. While watching, I couldnt even focus on the beautiful clothes.. I was too busy looking at the anorexic models. It really hurt me to watch this. I just cant believe that an industry of beauty uses girls with anorexia or other eating diorders to showcase their work. I am just so sad to see all of these amazing young women dying to be thin.

  Dear Becky,
  THERE IS HOPE! you can do this girl! please please please keep fighting. The journey is so long and painful, but if you can recover you can truly gain back your wonderful life. With regards to you moving out.. you can still be successful with your eating disorder. Keep taking things one day at a time, try to make each day better. Dont stress about the weight gain in one week, its really just a symbol of how underweight your body truly is. It is exactly what your body needs. It is so important that we all stay healthy now and in the future. Really, why should we define ourselves based on a number.. we are strong, intelligent, beautiful women who dont need to let the scale control us. Sorry I dont have time to write more, Im running late, but please everyone keep going, you are all gorgeous and can get through this!

  love you all, Jan

• 834 Olivia // May 13, 2010 at 4:31 pm

  Well, this saturday I will be discharged from children’s medical center in dallas. I’m back home right now in Bossier City, Louisiana because I got yesterday, today, and tomorrow off in order to transition back to school to see how that goes. I am really happy to be ack home and that I am getting out of treatment but I still stuggle with having disordered eating and wanting to slowly eat less and less. I had my eating disorder for such a long time and used it to fill a hole in me for so long, and now I guess its really confusing to find something else that brings me just as much satisfaction, without doing something that is harmful to myself.

• 835 Olivia // May 13, 2010 at 4:36 pm

  my last post before this was #801

• 836 Sarah // Jul 27, 2010 at 3:02 pm

  hey everyone, reading your stories have made me feel so happy and sad at the same time, sad you all are dealing with this but happy because it seems like this is really helping alot of people. I’m 5’6 and 95 pounds right now. My mom weighs me every 2 days and iv been grounded, no going out or phone, for about 2 weeks now. They dont know im 95 pounds. Before they weigh me in the morning i wake up and drink 64-128 ounces of water, which it 4-8 pounds worth, Doing this makes me really dizzy and it makes my stomache sting. it also ruins my apetite. It all seems so counterproductive however i feel its the only way, they’re overreacting anyways because im not even dangerously underweight. Every night they push me to eat more and my moms been watching what goes on my plate every second of every day. Then at night she yells at me for being bossy and picking up the house copulsively, but i cant help it!! i cant eat unless everythin is perfect and the pillows are in the right place and the dishes are in the dishwasher and the counters are clean and the floor is spotless. I even have to clean out a few cupboards or so if i eat too much in one sitting or if im eating to much in any given hour. Its all so confusing because i dont want to worry them anymore by being existant, it seems like iv always been a huge source of stress and unhappiness on them both which is unbearable because i love them with all my heart, they buy me books to read and try to understand all of this but nothing makes it stop. Ill go in the kitchen to get a bunch of food to finally gain weight but i feel like im just wasting their money and raising their hopes for nothing. I tries to kill myself once in 9th grade, it was a half-hearted attempt though, just took like 5 of these pills i found, all they did was make me sleep and taste stuff weird for about a month. Iv been thinking about it so much but i know if i do that then the family will just be even more stressed out and my parents will blame eachother and end up getting a divorce. im so stupid i just wish it would all go away but i cant get my brain to get the whole “they’re only mean to you because your no fun to look at, stop stuffing your face and do something useful”. please give me advice on how to handle this ):

• 837 aliyah // Jul 28, 2010 at 2:26 am

  does anyone get ths comment?

• 838 aliyah // Jul 28, 2010 at 2:36 am

  fnally! sorry my comments havent been workng for ages.

  sarah- hi, lsten i know how that feels. your parents are being pushy and demanding only for a reason- they love you and hate seeing you the way you are. they dont want you to be ill or have problems wth food.im so sorry that you tred to commt sucde, but that is NOT the answer. your parents will be heartbrokken and never forgve themselves. you dont want that do you?
  when you dont eat rght, your mind is ill, its malnourished and you dont think clearly. its true, the less u eat the worse it gets, more intrusive thoghts, more unhapiness, more obsession. Its all lies and ts all ana, ana is just a slow death.
  you need to start eating, recovery is the only route out of this.
  you need to thnk of the future, what do u want n life? what do u want to do? where do u want to go? and use that as a motivaton.dont listen to ana and get better. it can be done, and we wll support you!

• 839 Sarah // Jul 28, 2010 at 9:46 am

  aw thank you so much, its odd how obvious things like that are so fogged until they’re told straight to your face (: i think i am recovering, iv been eating 2000 calories a day for about a week now and have gained about a pound, mostly healthy foods haha not gaining it all on icecream and whatnot. This would be a good thing but my mom weighs me every other day and i get in trouble if my weight hasnt gone up, but weights really dont work like that and its all just so stressful. I know they’re trying to help though, they’re just people not phyciatrists and they’re diong the best they can to handle this the only way they know how.

  I just really wish my mom would stop telling other people about, she treats me like some gossip toy and whenever we g out all i hear is “so iv heard from your mom your not eating….” and then all day they just join in on pushing food in front of my face. Were going out to visit my family in utah this weekend and shes already told all of them, it makes me feel like i have a pressure to be anorexc now because if shes going to make everyone around us worry about me i might as well give them something to worry about. It sounds bad but thats just how my thinking is going, i dont want to get there and have everyone go “oh…well she definitely doesnt look anorexic”

  Anyways my dad bought me this book called “Biting Anorexia” and it really helped me i would suggest it to anybody who wants to try to understand their disease and make sense of all the voices. Warning to people about this one book called “Wasted” though, everything iv heard about it is bad, its supposed to be a really triggering book and from all the stories iv read they hit their lowest weights reading that book. thank you again aliyah (: its nice to have someone to talk to without worrying about who else these words are going to reach.

• 840 aliyah // Jul 28, 2010 at 12:29 pm

  hey yeah no problem! i know exactly how you feel. i had anorexia and bulima since was 13, and im 20 now! it took me a lomg time to recover but now i eat whatever i want, whenever and my weght is stable. yes have gained weght but im not fat. and you wont get fat. recovery is about regaining weight your not actually gaining any and what do u gain s our life back!
  as for pushy parents, i think thats very common in ed’s. all i can say is just eatand maybe tell ur parents, have a heart to heart, open up a little bt and tell them how this doesnt help….
  my mum was the same. but it doesnt mean u cant recover. you caan and you WILL. eat regularly and eat as much as u can but ENJOY the food and tastes, and vary the diet

• 841 Sarah // Jul 28, 2010 at 2:01 pm

  woww you are so strong! its so hard to ignore the urge to just take off one piece of meat or dilute something with water before eating it -.- your right though, hopefully i can learn to eat care freely one day, i still count calories like a mad woman and have to do a few certain excercises before getting any sleep but hopefully itll pass. did you have to see a phyciatrist to be able to stop?

• 842 aliyah // Jul 28, 2010 at 2:06 pm

  obsession gets better as you eat more. a starved mind is an obsessve mind! theres a famous experment where guys restricted their food intake a lot and, the became very obsessive and also when u dont eat , certain reward circuts in your brain is trggered which gve u that ‘high’ from not eatng. its dangerous, u need to know that eatng is the way to beat ana!
  i went to a psychologist for a while, got weigh ins. but to be perfectl honest it didnt help me much, because she just focused on weight. Instead i used ths site a lot, made friends from here got a lot of support and i studied everything to do wth anorexia and eating disorders and i am doing psychology at uni!

  start to lessen the night time exercuses and replace it with a snack. good luck x

• 843 Sarah // Jul 28, 2010 at 2:44 pm

  ohh that makes sense.because i always feel like i have to do something to earn what i eat, like before each meal i usually do at least 1 chore or something physically demanding to kind of counter balance it. Thats cool thank you so much your really an amazing person sharing your experiences and helpong other people get through this (: glad you could get over it. wow that doesnt sound helful at all lol i dont like people thinking its about weights because its really not, its just a habit that you build and its really hard to break, like gambling or alcoholism.

  Good luck in college! im taking phyc next year too but just at high school so its not going to really be anything compared to what your doing xD thank you, youv been a great inspiration and really convinced me that eating is the right thing, no matter what my mind is telling me (:

• 844 aliyah // Jul 29, 2010 at 2:43 am

  awww no problem sarah! ill always be here for you . and i was gna ask u f u had facebook? x

• 845 jilly // Jul 29, 2010 at 6:06 am

  hey sarah, aliyah is right!! i had CRAZY obsessions because i depleted myself so much. i couldnt fall asleep without my exercises and sometimes if i thought about a certain exercise it meant i had to get down on the floor and do it right away. this continues to happen for a while but little by little it just stated to seem stupid. now, i still do exercises but not in a crazy way. i really cant tell you how my obsessions stopped…it must have just been good nourishment and finding outlets like volunteering. i had a therapist and physiologist but they didnt do much for me. but at meals my mom and i play board games! its so much better! i still have urges to cut out foods that dont mean anything to me…but then i go and eat something i actually like in place of it usually. little by little things will fall into place if you just keep going

• 846 Ness // Aug 26, 2010 at 10:16 am

  My name is Ness. I am a Chef, a baker and a vegan. I have battled with bulemia since the age of 15. And yet I remained a hefty 210 lbs (on my 5’3″ frame). I struggled to understand why I was still so fat, and then one day I stopped throwing up, I started exercising every day and eating very healthy food. I started counting calories, and joined a gym, and I looked fantastic.
  And then it just kept going, and I just could not stop. Day after day spent walking all over the city and then going to the gym, all the while working 8 hour days in the classrooms (kitchens) at school. I graduated on August 18th, 2009 at 5’3″ and 86lbs. My skin was grey, and my hair was falling out, but I still loved myself.
  I am an anorexic chef, and I’m sitting here on my 22nd birthday, one year into recovery and I can’t help but think that maybe I don’t want to recover. Perhaps everything was better before. I don’t remember a life without an ED. It has become all that I know.

• 847 aliyah // Aug 26, 2010 at 10:46 am

  ness that is such a sad story. in a way i know how u feel, as i had bulimia and from that developed anorexia. however, i have recovered from it, from as much as that i can enjoy food, eat out, i am not afraid of gaining weight and i know i look better/
  you can escape froma life with ed, u honestly can. do u htink ur profession of being a chef has played a part? why dont u try something else? and start to eat healthy like u used to, eat regulary, REgain back some weight and be strong. you will get through this:) dont let ana destroy anything. it only gets worse, ana is just a slow death